Episode 10 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 10

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.

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In the news this week, in Blackburn, a young man begins to wonder

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whether the salesman was being completely honest

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when he offered him a test ride on the new 500cc Kawasaki superbike.

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TRUMPETER MAKES MOTORBIKE REVVING NOISES

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In Blackpool, just days after winning £27 million on the Lottery,

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a pensioner hears about the death of his wife.

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As Simon Cowell installs extra security after his burglary,

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there's concern that the new guard dog needs to sharpen up a bit.

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LOUD SNORING

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And, in order to disprove vicious rumours that he's a bully,

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Labour Deputy Leader Tom Watson releases home video footage

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of him playing with his child at Christmas.

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On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and Newsnight presenter

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who says it's about time we had a female chancellor.

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That's one drastic cut I'd like to see George Osborne make.

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Please welcome Kirsty Wark.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian and co-writer of Outnumbered

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and Drop The Dead Donkey who says,

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"We make things that we would like to watch."

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So do a lot of people, but they call it sexting.

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Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

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Oh, yes, rather beautiful image

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but drastic for the people who live there. Cumbria.

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The floodings have been pretty grim.

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Cameron, he does look as if he's saying,

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"I can make this water go back," doesn't he?

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He's about to make a Canute of himself.

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There's an awful lot of water in this, so I suspect this

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is about the floods in Cumbria and other parts of the country.

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Dreadful conditions that people have been putting up with.

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I'm not sure it's a good idea to show so much

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footage of lots of water to men of our age at the top of the show.

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But I think there's been a bit of controversy because

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there's meant to be some sort of flood plans that weren't

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put into plan about three years ago that might have stopped

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-the worst of this?

-They say that even the flood defences

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the water came over worked a bit.

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Cos if they'd been lower, they would have come over quicker.

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So, you'd have been flooded quicker without that.

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Which I think was a comfort to a lot of people.

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You can put a positive spin on it.

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Here's Environment Minister Rory Stewart

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explaining how effective some of the defences have been.

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So, the main defence here on the Warwick Road is just behind that

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group of buildings that we can see.

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And that defence, it wasn't breached.

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But what's happened is the water's come over the top.

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So that defence has worked well.

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Didn't naming the storm make us more storm aware?

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Cos, apparently, the phrase

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"There's a life-threatening storm on the way,"

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people just tune that out.

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But if you say, "There's a life-threatening storm on the way,

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"and, oh, incidentally, it's got a name,"

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they're galvanised, but it didn't.

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-That's because it was called Desmond.

-Well, exactly.

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That's a suburban name.

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I mean, Desmond is not a destructive storm, is it?

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Desmond is someone who rings your doorbell with

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a petition about speed bumps.

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You need frightening, terrifying, destructive names,

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like Storm Genghis. Or...

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Storm Bastard.

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You can't have those same jolly weather forecasters being all

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cosy and cheerful, saying, "Oh, Desmond's on the way."

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It's not scary. You know, you need the bloke who does the cinema ads.

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-DEEP GRAVELLY VOICE:

-Off the coast of Cornwall...

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In a world where umbrellas are futile.

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It gave opportunities for people

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who didn't have swimming pools to improvise.

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There was a wonderful picture of a lovely old man

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swimming in his kitchen.

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Yes, indeed, that's 72-year-old Kendal resident Peter Clarkson.

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And here he is swimming.

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AUDIENCE GROAN

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There was a daring rescue at a house in Carlisle.

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-Did you read about that?

-No.

-Angela Watson told the Guardian:

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There were some cows that got rescued.

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They got washed away,

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-and one was found 20 miles away, I think.

-Off the coast of Brazil.

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That's absolutely right, apart from the coast of Brazil bit.

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This is Gordon Tweedie's pregnant cow.

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You should maybe clarify that he didn't get it pregnant.

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I'm shocked that you felt that needed clarifying.

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Just the way it came out.

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-"Gordon Tweedie's pregnant cow."

-"He's done it again!"

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All we know is the cow was pregnant,

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-and she was one of 45 of Gordon's cows...

-Having a waterbirth.

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I think she's still pregnant, I don't think she's given birth.

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She was swept away by a torrent of water with 44 other cows,

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and the pregnant cow was found 20 miles away...

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That's because they wouldn't let her into the clubhouse

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because she was female.

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Do you know what happened to Sam and Samantha Thompson's wedding

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-in Ullswater?

-That's Cumbria, isn't it?

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They were cut off at the reception...

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Did the best man bring a rubber ring?

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SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

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Apparently not.

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It's a sensible suggestion, Ian. I don't know why people are so grumpy.

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Two main celebrity flood victims were Tim Farron and Steve Coogan.

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-Do you know the situation he found himself in?

-In a car with his dog.

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-Yeah.

-It says here,

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Steve Coogan was trapped in a car with a German Shepherd.

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So, it could be.

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And, yes, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron was trapped in Westmorland.

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Some of the floodwaters came up to Tim's chest.

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Although elsewhere it was quite deep.

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Did you see what the Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi

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did when there were floods in the Chennai region,

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when he was photographed by his spin doctors?

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-No.

-Let's have a look.

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Here he is looking through the window at the devastation.

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He's looking at his washing machine.

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It's an aeroplane!

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You make a good point, Kirsty, because the spin doctors

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did not consider that image to be clear enough,

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so they had a little tinker with it.

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That tells the story much better, doesn't it?

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The internet was quick to pounce.

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And who's been taking all the flak, basically, for this disaster?

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It's nature's fault, but who's being...?

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-Environmental Agency?

-And the Environment Secretary, Liz Truss.

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And here she is being grilled by Bill Turnbull this week

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on the Government's handling of the floods.

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It may not be a huge consolation to people whose homes have been flooded

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-when they see newspaper reports, for instance...

-Sorry, I can't hear you

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because of the van in the background.

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We'll just let that truck go past, with a bit of luck...

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Very useful, it's stopping right behind you. Can you hear me now?

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Can you hear me now, Miss Truss?

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OK, really usefully, lorries crossing a live shot. Can you hear me now?

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-I'm sorry, I can't hear you at all.

-Can you hear me now?

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I'm going to try talking louder to you, how's that?

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Can you still not hear me?

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All right. Maybe we'll have to give it up.

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I'll try one more time. Liz Truss, Environment Secretary,

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can you hear me?

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That's a politician who's going to go places, because everywhere she goes

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she takes that truck with her.

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Liz Truss has been bearing the brunt of a lot of this.

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I expect she wishes she was where she was last December.

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In December, I'll be in Beijing,

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opening up new pork markets.

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This is the news that the Government's spending

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on flood defences has been far too low,

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as indeed have the flood defences.

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And do you know who was commended for bravery?

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-Was it Brian Blessed?

-It always is.

-It usually is.

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There's a story most weeks that Brian's rescued someone.

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He's gone and he's sucked up all the water through a straw.

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Now he's going up Mount Everest to wee it down onto Asia.

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-No.

-I'll believe that.

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No, it's RTE's Teresa Mannion, who stood in the rain reporting on

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the weather in the Republic of Ireland. Let's have a look.

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Cannot repeat the advice often enough from the Garda.

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Don't make unnecessary journeys.

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Don't take risks on treacherous roads.

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And don't swim in the sea.

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-I love that.

-The floods have also led to a spate of burglaries.

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Furious Carlisle resident Michael Johnson said:

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He's since been arrested for stealing police tape.

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Ian and Kirsty, take a look at this.

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AUDIENCE AND KIRSTY GROAN

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Yes - boo.

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Donald Trump is so dammed attractive.

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He's very keen on pictures of himself.

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And he's signing it for himself.

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He said that all Muslims should be banned.

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But he announced it in the third person.

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Which is a sure sign of a lunatic.

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Yeah.

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He said, "Donald J Trump... has announced..."

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You thought, "Oh, is that not you, then?"

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Distancing yourself from this bigoted idiot.

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Yes, you're absolutely right. This is the announcement he made.

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Let's have a look at him doing it.

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Donald J Trump is calling for a total and complete shut down

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of Muslims entering the United States,

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until our country's representatives

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can figure out what the hell is going on.

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Who WOULD be able to get into America under Trump?

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He said he's always got on very well with the blacks.

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Someone said on the radio,

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"Is that the Blacks who are a white couple who live three doors down?"

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When he says stuff, it doesn't have to be practical,

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it doesn't have to be true... cos he's a liar.

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He's a liar and he's a racist.

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He's a friend of Piers Morgan...

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LAUGHTER

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on...

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Piers Morgan SAID he was.

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No, Piers has got no friends, you know that.

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Let's look at how his ban would work in practice. It's quite simple actually.

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Trump explained what border guards would say faced with travellers trying to enter the country:

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And if the answer is yes, they wouldn't be allowed into the country. So...

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It's a very workable way... So I think in answer to your question,

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who would be allowed into the country under his system, it's...

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anyone.

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He's getting the backwash now, even from places like Dubai where he has lots of investments,

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they don't want his name attached to it, they're pulling out.

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You know, Trump trinkets sold big in the Middle East.

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Trump toothpaste, Trump toothbrushes...

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-Really?!

-Yeah.

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-Trump toothbrushes?!

-Well, I'm making them up.

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You wouldn't want anything to do with him in your mouth!

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And how did Britain first get involved in Trump's recent remarks?

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He said that London was, er...

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-No-go areas.

-London was a no-go area...

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-KIRSTY: For certain police officers.

-Yes, he said...

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There are certain places in London police are scared for their lives.

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Sports Direct...

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KIRSTY: Yeah...

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"Not going there."

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Yes, he bolsters...

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-Are you one of their regular customers?

-Yeah.

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It's where I get my trainers.

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-They still do the ones with the buckles?

-They do.

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He bolsters his argument about excluding Muslims by saying

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he didn't want US cities to become like London...

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And our very own attention-seeking tousle-haired political funnyman had a response to that.

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Who was that, and what did he say?

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-It was Boris, he said it was nonsense.

-Yes, he said...

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APPLAUSE

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Let's talk about the petition on the Government's website

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to ban Trump from Britain on the grounds of hate speech.

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It would be a huge mistake, because a bit like Isis, that would be giving him exactly what he wants.

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See, that'll play to the myth of him as the outsider, the truth teller.

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Yeah, "No-one wants to listen to these very sensible views, they're banning me."

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All you've got to do is listen to his views, and then you realise that you DON'T have to listen to them.

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-So we should invite him over.

-Yes, exactly.

-I'd like him to be host.

-Yes!

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ANDY: That'd be perfect.

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Am I doing THAT badly?!

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He's replied already, he said, "The whole of Britain should be listening.

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"Wake up!"

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To what?

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Wake up...to fascism!

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Simple, hate-fuelled solution.

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Trump's response to the petition was that, he said...

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He also went on to thank the...

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Well, case closed, Your Honour!

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He has supporters, we should say for balance, other than Katie Hopkins.

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According to the Telegraph, he's received support

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from Andrew Anglin,

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publisher of the neo-Nazi website Daily Stormer. He said...

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He sounds nice.

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Surely the pressure from the media will affect Trump most.

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Do you know what he said about that?

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He once said...

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Is that his own ass he's talking about?

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I think he's talking about a sexual partner,

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but he may be talking about a nice cut of donkey meat.

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Just for fun, to lighten the mood,

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shall we see some vegan butter that looks like Donald Trump?

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Yes, please!

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Here you go.

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APPLAUSE

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What's Trump's other brilliant idea for stopping the influence of Isis?

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Building a wall around the Middle East.

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This is much more technological.

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According to the Independent, he's going to

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"turn off the internet,"

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because it's being used to radicalise people. He said...

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He said he would...

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To be honest, I would be 100% behind that.

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While Trump is concerned about the spread of Isis in the States,

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who's in trouble for promoting Isis-style violence in THIS country?

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-Tyson Fury.

-Oh, yes, good answer.

-No, not Tyson Fury.

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It's Bafta-winning CBBC cartoon OOglies.

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-OOglies...?

-That would have been your next answer, I know.

-Yeah(!)

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I know this story, I read this. It's about a soldier in a boiled egg.

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-Oh, yeah.

-And the soldier has chopped the top of the egg off.

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And someone's complained that this is a fake beheading scene.

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Let's take a look.

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Waah!

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FIZZLING

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Huh?!

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BOOM!

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Oh...ho!

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Haww!

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I'm beginning to sympathise!

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-I didn't realise we had a BOMB outrage first.

-KIRSTY: I know...

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I think it should be banned(!)

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So who else has been the subject of a petition this week?

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The strangely named Tyson Fury,

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who believes that homosexuals are paedophiles,

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and that women are better to be in the kitchen.

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For a boxer, he's not strangely named, is he? He's named after...

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-His dad was a boxer....

-..that well-known wife-beater Mike Tyson.

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Don't broadcast that, he might be watching.

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He was up for Sports Personality of the Year - was he ever going to

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win Sports Personality of the Year? That's the thing.

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Over 100,000 people have signed a petition calling for the BBC

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to remove Tyson Fury from the Sports Personality of the Year shortlist.

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It's an unfortunate immediate reaction

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to everything you don't like - just ban it.

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You could argue against it or point out it's wrong or listen to it or...

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But no, just ban it.

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Apart from the boiled egg, which I think SHOULD be banned.

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Also, if he hadn't come out with all this rubbish,

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he did win the world heavyweight championship. He would have been

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-in that list.

-You said "rubbish" though.

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Other people say "patriarchal gypsy culture."

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I'm just testing your liberalism here, Andy.

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He is a boxer. I mean, he gets hit in the head for a living.

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I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation...

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Don't broadcast this, either.

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And what did he actually say, Fury?

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"Homosexuals and paedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the end of the world..."

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So he's put a kind of deadline on it.

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And he said, "Women belong in the kitchen or on their backs."

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-That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it?

-It does, yeah.

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Unless you've got one of those low-level ovens, I suppose.

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-I mean, she'll have to be up for it, obviously.

-Yeah.

-Fury said...

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Quite a dark remark, isn't it?

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Yeah - although he's quite positive about it. You know.

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There are only three, he says.

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I didn't realise that the devil LIVED here.

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-He had a place in Luton, didn't he?

-He's got a few places.

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How did Tyson defend his comments?

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He said, "I'm a Christian," didn't he?

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-"I'm only saying what I've been taught."

-Firstly, he denied

0:19:250:19:28

making the comments at all, claiming that a Mail On Sunday journalist,

0:19:280:19:31

Oliver Holt, had made them up, then when the recording of the interview

0:19:310:19:35

was published online, Tyson claimed that they weren't actually his words

0:19:350:19:39

but those from the Bible.

0:19:390:19:41

He said...

0:19:410:19:43

I believe the third of those assertions.

0:19:490:19:53

And then he went with the classic defence...

0:19:550:19:58

What did Tyson Fury say about fellow Sports Personality of the Year nominee Jessica Ennis-Hill?

0:20:010:20:05

Aren't we just giving publicity more to what he said?

0:20:050:20:08

Why not just ignore him, go on to the next question?

0:20:080:20:10

APPLAUSE

0:20:100:20:13

Might as well.

0:20:130:20:15

This is Donald Trump's call to ban all Muslims from entering America.

0:20:150:20:19

That's his view of immigrants.

0:20:190:20:21

Honestly. They COMB OVER here...

0:20:210:20:23

Donald Trump is now insisting that Muslims should not be allowed

0:20:260:20:29

to come in to the country and take the work of ordinary Americans

0:20:290:20:32

who are perfectly capable of going on their own gun rampages.

0:20:320:20:35

This week, an apparent terrorist attack on the London Underground

0:20:350:20:39

gave rise to the hashtag...

0:20:390:20:40

Perhaps not what the attacker wanted to hear.

0:20:430:20:45

Though, on the plus side, it would qualify him

0:20:450:20:47

to get into Donald Trump's America.

0:20:470:20:49

-So, er...

-APPLAUSE

0:20:510:20:53

And so to round two - the one-armed bandit of news!

0:20:560:21:00

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

0:21:000:21:03

BUZZER

0:21:070:21:09

The Mona Lisa, one of the most famous portraits ever painted.

0:21:090:21:12

Er, there's an expert and he thinks that, underneath, there's

0:21:120:21:15

a painting of somebody else, er, selling kebabs in the, er,

0:21:150:21:18

Hornsey High Road in 1452.

0:21:180:21:21

-They also found some numbers...

-Yeah.

-..for colouring purposes.

0:21:210:21:25

The thing is that people used to think that the Mona Lisa was

0:21:270:21:30

a picture of someone called Lisa Gherardini,

0:21:300:21:33

but now, they reckon the one underneath is of her,

0:21:330:21:36

which means the one on top, the famous one,

0:21:360:21:38

has to be of someone else, cos they're different people.

0:21:380:21:41

-Let's have a look at the Lisa underneath the Mona.

-OK.

-Oh!

0:21:410:21:43

-You can see...

-KIRSTY: The eyes are similar.

0:21:430:21:45

-ANDY: The perspective looks a bit out on that one.

-Yeah.

0:21:450:21:48

-Yes, she does.

-Her head's a bit weird.

0:21:480:21:51

I mean, far be it from me to criticise Leonardo da Vinci!

0:21:510:21:55

-No...

-You know!

-Hang on, that can't be under the Mona Lisa painting.

0:21:550:21:58

-KIRSTY: That's what they think.

-Yeah.

-Oh, an artist impression(?)

0:21:580:22:01

-KIRSTY: Yeah, well, I don't...

-I think that's...

0:22:010:22:04

APPLAUSE

0:22:060:22:08

According to the Sun...

0:22:090:22:11

ANDY LAUGHS

0:22:110:22:12

To be honest, I get all of my art analysis from the Sun.

0:22:120:22:17

A French scientist Pascal Cotte found the secret woman.

0:22:240:22:27

What else did Pascal find under the picture?

0:22:270:22:29

These coloured stars, they're not Leonardo's, are they?

0:22:310:22:35

Round the side.

0:22:350:22:36

According to Mr Cotte, he also found...

0:22:380:22:40

And a...

0:22:450:22:47

Who wants to see a Mona Lisa mask that you can buy your loved ones for Christmas?

0:22:520:22:55

Not for me.

0:22:550:22:57

If you cut the hair off, it also works as a David Cameron mask.

0:23:000:23:03

In other picture news, what was Adolf Hitler accidentally helping to sell this week?

0:23:050:23:09

-Bowling alleys.

-No, it's not bowling alleys.

0:23:090:23:12

Inadvertently selling, did you say?

0:23:120:23:14

He's dead, so he can't really...

0:23:140:23:17

-get involved.

-So you think.

0:23:170:23:19

-I do.

-Is it the Republican Party?

0:23:190:23:22

Either that or sharing a cheeseburger with Elvis somewhere!

0:23:220:23:24

I don't mean to be rude about Elvis. Elvis would not like Hitler.

0:23:240:23:28

They wouldn't get on.

0:23:300:23:33

It's women's bras.

0:23:330:23:35

As opposed to men's bras.

0:23:350:23:39

Clothing firm Simply Be was forced to apologise after this appeared on their website.

0:23:390:23:44

It takes a while to get round to him but he's there in the end.

0:23:500:23:53

Some of the men still haven't seen him yet.

0:23:570:23:59

It's a real bargain, the Mein Kampf bra.

0:24:010:24:05

For a fiver, that isn't bad at all.

0:24:050:24:08

It's not shaped like a bra.

0:24:080:24:11

It's got plenty of Lebensraum.

0:24:110:24:13

They all seem very nice healthy girls.

0:24:150:24:18

Especially the one with the moustache.

0:24:180:24:20

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:24:230:24:25

BUZZER

0:24:310:24:32

-ANDY: Is that Taylor Swift?

-It is!

-Are these dressing room demands?

0:24:320:24:36

Not heard this story?

0:24:360:24:37

This is the news that science has shown that certain foods

0:24:370:24:40

taste better with certain types of music.

0:24:400:24:43

Are these, er, "music foodologists"?

0:24:430:24:45

This is Professor Charles Spence of the University of Oxford!

0:24:450:24:49

-Oh, OK, all right!

-He's back out, is he?

-Yeah!

0:24:490:24:52

-Yes, he...

-Hello, Charlie, you all right?

0:24:540:24:56

-Another new identity.

-Yeah!

-You know...

0:24:580:25:01

He discovered that music can affect the enjoyment of food.

0:25:010:25:04

And how did he conduct his research? Do you know?

0:25:040:25:07

-He ate a lot?

-Yeah.

-He gave people food

0:25:070:25:09

while playing different bits of music to them.

0:25:090:25:11

-You could be a professor!

-Yeah!

0:25:110:25:14

Based on Professor Spence's research, which type of food

0:25:140:25:17

-do you think the following songs improved the taste of?

-Ooh, OK.

0:25:170:25:21

So let's start with Queen's We Will Rock You.

0:25:210:25:23

Fishcakes!

0:25:230:25:24

Sorry, I didn't know I was going to say that.

0:25:280:25:31

-It's like a genre. Think genres of food rather than...

-Curries.

-Yes.

0:25:310:25:35

Curries. Indian food. They found that listening to rock music...

0:25:350:25:38

You can tell this is scientific.

0:25:380:25:40

They found that listening to rock music made curries 4% spicier.

0:25:400:25:44

Nina Simone's Feeling Good?

0:25:450:25:48

Er, cannibalism.

0:25:480:25:49

-Um, sushi.

-ALL: Sushi?!

-Sushi.

0:25:510:25:54

And, finally, Taylor Swift's Blank Space?

0:25:540:25:57

ANDY: Whatever's on that plate. KIRSTY: Fajitas!

0:25:570:26:00

ANDY: Whatever that is.

0:26:000:26:01

-Um, Chinese food. I think that's noodles.

-Oh, OK.

0:26:010:26:03

Yeah, it gives you a better tasting Chinese

0:26:030:26:06

and, when you spill a bit of soy sauce,

0:26:060:26:08

you can just Shake It Off, Shake It Off.

0:26:080:26:10

I've no idea what that means!

0:26:100:26:12

May... May you enjoy it.

0:26:130:26:16

The report recommends...

0:26:160:26:18

Which actually I think I once ate in a Glasgow curry house.

0:26:210:26:25

According to Professor Spence, Justin Bieber tracks...

0:26:250:26:28

Along with drinking water, breathing air and any other means of sustaining life.

0:26:310:26:35

Finally, what unusual ingredient is being added to cocktails

0:26:370:26:40

to make the most poignant and personal Christmas gift imaginable?

0:26:400:26:44

-Oh, God.

-Polonium.

0:26:440:26:47

-What is it?

-It's tears.

0:26:490:26:51

-What?

-A London-based cocktail bar is hosting...

0:26:510:26:55

I hate myself for asking this, but why do you have to pasteurise

0:27:000:27:04

-the tears?

-You could have conjunctivitis.

0:27:040:27:07

It's not as romantic, is it, when the tears are diseased?

0:27:070:27:10

This is the news that certain types of music

0:27:130:27:16

go with certain types of food. According to the research...

0:27:160:27:18

Yes, but only because they're in a hurry to get out.

0:27:220:27:25

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

0:27:250:27:28

BUZZER

0:27:330:27:35

-Looks like Shakespeare.

-ANDY: Shakespeare stole a theatre.

0:27:350:27:37

-Did he?!

-Basically. That story...

0:27:370:27:39

-Is that why he's got a bag of swag over his shoulder?

-Yeah, he's...

0:27:390:27:42

-Wearing a black-and-white striped shirt, like all burglars?

-Yeah.

0:27:420:27:46

-Elizabethan burglars in particular.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:27:460:27:49

Rough justice. Go on, then.

0:27:490:27:52

-ANDY: Um...

-Thank you, Ian!

0:27:520:27:54

Shakespeare and his mate Garrick, um, they fell out with the landlord...

0:27:540:27:59

-Garrick?

-The actor.

-No, no, Garrick's a bit later.

-Yeah.

0:27:590:28:03

-Who was it?

-Keane?

0:28:030:28:05

-Kempe? Kempe the Clown?

-Burbage.

-Burbage, that was it!

0:28:050:28:08

Yeah, not Garrick, Andy! For God's sake!

0:28:080:28:10

-Ridiculous!

-Burbage. Idiot!

0:28:100:28:11

-You might as well say Tom Cruise!

-Yeah!

0:28:110:28:15

-Him and his mate Benedict Cumberbatch...

-Yeah!

0:28:150:28:18

KIRSTY: Posh boys! ANDY: Um, sorry...

0:28:180:28:20

They fell out with the landlord and they decided to nick the theatre.

0:28:200:28:24

They released the archive of the court records, is it?

0:28:240:28:27

Yes, according to 17th-century papers that have

0:28:270:28:30

-just been released...

-PAUL LAUGHS

0:28:300:28:33

It's an enquiry by Sir John of Chilcot.

0:28:330:28:36

APPLAUSE

0:28:370:28:39

Yes, this is for a new exhibition on the bard.

0:28:420:28:44

Shakespeare and a band of actors did...

0:28:440:28:47

Very drastic way of transferring a play to the West End.

0:29:050:29:07

Yeah, they took the theatre apart and moved it across the river

0:29:090:29:12

to build a new theatre, the Globe.

0:29:120:29:14

And what other salacious Shakespeare scandal was revealed last week

0:29:140:29:18

thanks to the diary of a contemporary?

0:29:180:29:20

Apparently, Shakespeare entertained groupies,

0:29:200:29:24

although not necessarily his own.

0:29:240:29:25

According to Elizabethan law student John Manningham, Shakespeare...

0:29:250:29:29

The lady suggested he come to visit her and...

0:29:340:29:37

When Burbage arrived later, Shakespeare was already there

0:29:400:29:43

and had a servant bring down a note saying...

0:29:430:29:46

Bet someone got the hump.

0:29:500:29:52

AUDIENCE GROAN

0:29:520:29:53

Thank you very much.

0:29:530:29:55

Talking of making things disappear, though,

0:29:550:29:57

-do you want to see an orang-utan enjoying some close-up magic?

-Yes!

0:29:570:30:00

KIRSTY: I love that!

0:30:200:30:22

DAVID LAUGHS

0:30:220:30:23

This is an old court paper that suggests William Shakespeare

0:30:230:30:27

was involved in the theft of a whole theatre.

0:30:270:30:29

It was pretty easy to reassemble the Elizabethan theatre, which

0:30:290:30:32

was much like an IKEA flat pack, with every piece carefully labelled.

0:30:320:30:36

It even inspired Shakespeare's most famous line, as he looked

0:30:360:30:38

round for the next piece of wood that would slot into section 2A.

0:30:380:30:42

No! KIRSTY GROANS

0:30:420:30:45

According to the Mail...

0:30:450:30:47

The only excuse for it is that he didn't actually say the punchline.

0:30:500:30:53

That's the only excuse for that gag.

0:30:530:30:54

Some people are still doing the admin on it.

0:30:540:30:58

Some people are still trying to find Hitler in those four pictures.

0:30:580:31:01

According to the Mail...

0:31:010:31:03

Though there were a number of suspicious offshore transactions to Prospero's Island.

0:31:080:31:12

Time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you this week.

0:31:120:31:15

Your four are...

0:31:150:31:16

President Xi Jinping, wrestler Joey Ryan, Father Christmas,

0:31:160:31:22

-and Ainsley Harriott.

-RING!

0:31:220:31:24

They've all bought sections of British industry.

0:31:240:31:27

PAUL LAUGHS

0:31:270:31:29

Except three of them(!)

0:31:290:31:30

KIRSTY: They're all pretending to be people.

0:31:320:31:35

So Ainsley Harriott, of course, was stupidly put in place of Lenny Henry.

0:31:350:31:39

-Mm-hm.

-Who by?

-ITV!

-By an ITV reporter.

0:31:390:31:43

That's not the right answer.

0:31:430:31:44

-Being mistaken...

-For the wrong person?

-On ITV?

0:31:440:31:47

They've done it three times.

0:31:470:31:48

They thought Santa was the leader of the Labour Party.

0:31:480:31:51

-OK.

-It's about mistaken news reports.

-The level of charity

0:31:510:31:55

-you have to give us is more or less the answer.

-OK.

0:31:550:31:58

OK, they've all been the subject of mistakes in news reports this week.

0:31:580:32:03

-Apart from?

-Santa?

-No.

0:32:030:32:06

-The Chinese Prime Minister?

-No.

-The guy in the trunks?

0:32:070:32:10

-He's the only one left!

-Yes!

-Yes!

0:32:100:32:12

We got it! Well done!

0:32:120:32:14

-APPLAUSE

-There's only one left!

0:32:140:32:16

I didn't think you'd get that, but well done, yes!

0:32:160:32:20

They've all been the subject of mistakes in news reports this week,

0:32:200:32:23

apart from wrestler Joey Ryan, who definitely did

0:32:230:32:26

what the press reported he'd done.

0:32:260:32:28

-OK, you haven't got film of that?

-Sounds pretty unbelievable.

0:32:330:32:37

-We do have film of it.

-Oh, yes!

0:32:370:32:40

-Ooh!

-A long night out there.

0:32:400:32:44

Let's have a look.

0:32:440:32:46

That's the best production of King Lear I've ever seen.

0:33:130:33:16

Too late to put him in for Sports Personality of the Year?

0:33:180:33:23

The resignation of Chinese president Xi Jinping was mistakenly reported

0:33:230:33:27

due to a typo this week.

0:33:270:33:28

The Chinese language is notoriously hard to navigate.

0:33:280:33:31

For instance, whenever George Osborne should be saying,

0:33:310:33:34

"Your human rights record stinks,"

0:33:340:33:35

it comes out as, "Would you like to buy our country?"

0:33:350:33:38

ITV News were forced to apologise after using footage of TV chef

0:33:420:33:45

Ainsley Harriott in a news report about Lenny Henry

0:33:450:33:48

receiving his knighthood.

0:33:480:33:50

Easy to make a mistake like that when you're not paying any attention.

0:33:500:33:54

So Lenny Henry's investiture by the Queen at Windsor went without

0:33:540:33:58

a hitch, apart from one moment when they could just hear the muffled

0:33:580:34:01

sound of Prince Philip shouting, "Why have you locked me in this cupboard?"

0:34:010:34:05

Norwegian newspaper Aftenposten apologised this week

0:34:070:34:10

for accidentally announcing the death of Father Christmas.

0:34:100:34:14

They blamed the blunder on...

0:34:150:34:17

Well, Santa will be furious.

0:34:260:34:29

There'll be no presents for them this year.

0:34:290:34:31

It's like the little boy who writes to Santa and he says,

0:34:310:34:34

"We had a burglary last week and our presents were taken away

0:34:340:34:37

"and I just wonder, Santa, if you could send us £15

0:34:370:34:40

"we'd be able to buy something." And the boys at the Post Office

0:34:400:34:43

see this letter addressed to Santa and they have a bit of a whip round,

0:34:430:34:46

and get about £12 and bung it in the envelope and send it back.

0:34:460:34:49

A week later, they get a little note from the boy saying

0:34:490:34:51

"Dear Santa, thank you so much for sending the £12.

0:34:510:34:54

"I did ask for 15 but I expect those bastards at the Post Office nicked the rest of it."

0:34:540:34:58

There was another Christmas-related error this week.

0:34:590:35:02

This is a homeowner who decorated their house with fake snow

0:35:020:35:05

on their upstairs window to read "Let it snow."

0:35:050:35:08

Unfortunately, when viewed from the front it reads simply

0:35:080:35:10

"Tits now."

0:35:100:35:12

Punctuation is so important!

0:35:200:35:23

And finally, the BBC also had to make an apology this week

0:35:250:35:28

due to a problem during Match of the Day. Anyone hear about this?

0:35:280:35:31

They put football on?

0:35:310:35:33

I'll tell you what happened. They had to apologise

0:35:330:35:36

to former Aston Villa chairman Sir Doug Ellis

0:35:360:35:38

after a subtitler mistakenly linked him with an Islamist militant group.

0:35:380:35:43

When Ellis was spotted in the crowd at Goodison Park,

0:35:450:35:47

the Match of the Day commentator said...

0:35:470:35:49

Somehow these words were misinterpreted by the subtitler to read...

0:35:520:35:55

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

0:36:020:36:06

as its guest publication British Kebab,

0:36:060:36:08

the magazine of the British kebab industry.

0:36:080:36:11

You're never quite sure what's in it.

0:36:110:36:13

And we start with...

0:36:140:36:16

Mr Pissup.

0:36:200:36:22

-It's got to be.

-Mr Keg.

0:36:220:36:24

It's actually Mr Bud Weisser.

0:36:240:36:28

A man named Bud Weisser...

0:36:300:36:32

And his friend Mr Carl Sberg.

0:36:320:36:35

This happened at the Budweiser brewery in Missouri.

0:36:350:36:39

Appropriately, Bud Weisser is now behind bars.

0:36:390:36:42

Next.

0:36:420:36:44

Istanbul.

0:36:470:36:49

Was this a big scandal story,

0:36:510:36:52

was it the winner of best kebab outside of London

0:36:520:36:56

was actually inside London?

0:36:560:36:58

The answer is the winner of best kebab outside London was...

0:36:580:37:01

At the same ceremony, Ali Dirik, winner of the prestigious

0:37:060:37:09

chef of the year award, gave a moving acceptance speech

0:37:090:37:11

which went as follows.

0:37:110:37:13

APPLAUSE

0:37:170:37:20

Careful. As a kebab chef, you should know

0:37:200:37:23

what goes around comes around.

0:37:230:37:25

Next...

0:37:250:37:27

"Are your goldfish sabotaging your country?" says Donald Trump.

0:37:310:37:34

-Sabotaging your sex life.

-Yes. Sex life.

0:37:360:37:38

-Yes?

-No.

-That's good.

0:37:380:37:40

A bit revealing, though, Kirsty weighed in quite so fast.

0:37:400:37:45

What's going on in that house?

0:37:450:37:46

Something you want to unburden yourself with?

0:37:460:37:49

Come on, Kirsty, answer the question!

0:37:490:37:52

The answer is...

0:37:520:37:54

Next...

0:37:540:37:56

The kebab.

0:37:580:37:59

-Correct!

-Oh, no!

0:37:590:38:01

Really?

0:38:010:38:03

This is from British Kebab,

0:38:030:38:05

and let's face it, Boris knows all about making rash decisions

0:38:050:38:09

late at night that you'll regret in the morning.

0:38:090:38:12

Next...

0:38:120:38:14

-It's her arm.

-It is!

0:38:170:38:19

It's a sacrifice she made early on in the fashion industry

0:38:190:38:22

because you look better if you just do this.

0:38:220:38:25

I have done a certain amount of modelling.

0:38:280:38:31

It's actually the riddle of Posh's missing right arm.

0:38:310:38:34

There she is.

0:38:340:38:36

That's going to be a bit sultry if you go out at nine o'clock, Ian,

0:38:390:38:42

-if you keep doing that.

-Oh, right, I won't smile then.

0:38:420:38:45

There is a simple explanation for all these pictures.

0:38:480:38:51

She's hiding a pie.

0:38:510:38:54

Next...

0:38:540:38:55

All contenders for Sports Personality of the Year.

0:39:010:39:04

This year's must-have action figures.

0:39:040:39:07

I'll give you a clue - it's a kebab one.

0:39:090:39:11

-Oh.

-Are frequent visitors to the kebab restaurant in Highbury.

0:39:110:39:16

-You are so close, Paul.

-It's Archway.

0:39:160:39:18

This is from British Kebab.

0:39:250:39:27

The cast of Eastenders are regulars at the kebab shop,

0:39:270:39:29

though they all say the same thing when they're offered salad.

0:39:290:39:32

"Leave it out!"

0:39:320:39:34

And finally...

0:39:340:39:35

Pee upside down?

0:39:410:39:42

-Pee...

-Pee.

-You're right about pee.

0:39:420:39:45

Pee before he goes and then wait for a couple of months.

0:39:450:39:48

Pee into his costume, his suit.

0:39:480:39:51

Costume?!

0:39:510:39:52

The answer is...

0:39:540:39:56

British astronaut Tim Peake heads to the International Space Station

0:40:000:40:03

next week. Before he goes he will do this ritual.

0:40:030:40:05

According to the Guardian...

0:40:050:40:07

Although to be fair he himself was just following a tradition

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set by Laika, the Soviet space dog.

0:40:130:40:15

So the final scores are Paul and Andy have five points,

0:40:180:40:22

Ian and Kirsty have six points.

0:40:220:40:25

APPLAUSE

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Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:300:40:33

Oh, my God. My varicose veins are killing me!

0:40:330:40:37

Never mind, think of a caption.

0:40:370:40:40

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

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Ian Hislop and Kirsty Wark, Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton,

0:40:490:40:51

And I'll leave you with news that in Carlisle there are signs

0:40:510:40:54

that life is finally returning to normal after one cheery resident

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pops out to do some Christmas shopping on the high street.

0:40:570:41:00

In Zurich, investigators into the FIFA corruption scandal

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fear Sepp Blatter may have evaded the authorities after making use

0:41:060:41:10

of an ingenious decoy.

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And Nigel Farage proves he's still a force to be reckoned with

0:41:150:41:18

after once again being the last man standing at the Ukip Christmas party.

0:41:180:41:22

Good night.

0:41:250:41:27

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