Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

there is embarrassment for David Cameron as footage emerges

of some of those 70,000 Syrian ground troops in training.

In Moscow, as he meets his next opponent, Russia's number one

judo star starts to think he may have to throw the fight.

And home movie footage of a kitchen in Essex in the 1970s

shows a career-defining moment in the life of Victoria Beckham.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

who is about to publish her first book, which is described

as a funny exploration of the female body.

I've done one of those. Please welcome Sara Pascoe!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And with Paul tonight is a Scottish politician who led the SNP

for over 20 years, up until 2014.

And then they got popular. Please welcome Alex Salmond MSP MP!

APPLAUSE

And we start, as ever, with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Alex, take a look at this.

Yes, this is obviously the bombing of Syria is beginning,

-though many people are against it.

-The Shadow Cabinet...

Ruining the snooker match.

That's a Daesh tank going round in circles.

That should be pretty easy to bomb, that one.

I hope the other targets are as well.

The big debate.

The Government got a big majority for the bombing of Syria.

-Yeah, you got it in one.

-Any good speeches by anyone?

There was a lot of good speeches.

Any Scottish politicians shining?

All Scottish politicians shine.

It's the diet.

Who gave the most impressive performance, would you say, in the debate?

-The Speaker.

-Actually, yes.

Because he didn't go to the toilet for 11 hours.

There's a special arrangement.

Like astronauts?

Exactly. Very similar arrangement. Lot of tubing.

Under all the breaches and the buckles?

Underneath, through the House of Lords, through the canteen,

up through Big Ben, back again.

It's an 11-hour cycle,

so after 11 hours, you've got to get out of there.

-You don't want blowback, do you?!

-Exactly. Indeed.

Do you think there were people who made their minds up in the chamber on the night?

Well, they were forecasting a big majority

and then, as the debate started and particularly with Cameron

talking about Corbyn as a terrorist sympathiser...

He was speaking to his wavering backbenchers, saying...

So that is actually smearing everybody who came out against the war.

That's a good start.

He was challenged on it a number of times.

It was a foolish thing for him to say.

It was tactically daft because it would stiffen

the resolve of some Labour MPs, you would've thought.

There is one Machiavellian theory about the Tories briefed that

so that the question of the 70,000 bogus battalions,

as one Tory MP called it, wouldn't be examined.

-Oh, they're not that clever.

-Well...

They don't deliberately make two enormous howlers

thinking that the lesser one will get all the attention.

That was David Cameron's big "45 minute" moment, they're saying.

That was the exact quote from the Tory MP.

He said, "We had the dodgy dossier, now we've got bogus battalions."

Right, and the 70,000 claim was challenged by lots of MPs,

obviously, including the SNP's Angus Robertson.

He is very impressive, isn't he?

He certainly is.

Just a big Scottish man, capable.

He's so impressive. He's a leader, isn't he?

Absolutely! Absolutely.

Angus Robertson!

You were there on Wednesday,

because, obviously, the previous debate on the 26th of November,

you had to miss that because you were unveiling a portrait.

Incidentally, we raised 50,000 quid for charity. It was a good portrait.

-We've got a picture.

-Show the portrait, go on!

It was for charity!

What are you doing to that sofa?!

The Scottish National Portrait Gallery is a wonderful place.

Slightly haunting - the "och ayes" follow you around the room.

-Have you been there, Alexander?

-I have. It's very beautiful.

-Is your portrait there?

-It's not.

-Give it time. You'll be all right.

Paint anybody, do they?

There's a pavement artist just outside with some pastels.

Did you see there's a Scottish Labour source who said...

There was a boy at my school who could do that.

The other argument David Cameron put forward is that

the allied forces need our particular smart technology.

-What's all that about?

-This is the Brimstone missile,

which David Cameron's been arguing for weeks, that it's unique

to the RAF, until another Scottish MP pointed out

that we'd sold them to the Saudi Arabians some months back,

so they have them as well.

But they're not going to use them, are they?

Missiles now are all named rather, sort of, callously.

The drones are called "Reaper."

Sort of tells you what they do.

-Hellfire.

-Hellfire, Brimstone...

Bit camp, isn't it?

What happened to some Brimstone missiles recently?

-You've got me.

-They fell off?

Look, they're smart enough to get back on again.

How has Jeremy Corbyn's week gone?

At first, I think he tried to argue to get the Labour Party

to vote against, to have a whipped kind of vote.

But then somebody pointed out,

really, when it comes to matters of conscience, as it must be

when you are sending people to war, it has to be a free vote.

That's how it turned out,

so he didn't get the Labour MPs behind him necessarily

and Hilary Benn made a very good speech and some people said,

"Ooh, Hilary Benn might be a contrast to Jeremy Corbyn.

"There might be a leadership election at some time, maybe in a year or so."

-How much do you want?

-You've summed it up entirely.

You have had a bit of a run-in with Hilary, haven't you?

I was doing a contrast between Tony Benn,

who made some incredibly powerful anti-war speeches

in the House of Commons, and Hilary Benn,

who made a pro-war speech on behalf of a Tory Prime Minister,

and I merely said that I thought his father would be birling in his grave.

It's a Scottish idiom, it means a deceased person...

APPLAUSE

..would be surprised at that turn of events.

And I have to say, I think that Tony Benn would be fair astonished.

To have people running around saying, "Benn - Tory scum," is new.

Really, isn't it? I mean, it's a turnaround.

That bit wasn't me, just to confirm.

No, I'm just paraphrasing you.

Who are the two gangs in the Labour rivalry?

They're called Momentum, which is the Corbynite one,

and Progress, which is the other.

Like it's The Apprentice!

Oh, my God, they've given themselves stupid names!

There's... Look, I've spent a political lifetime

fighting the Labour Party, but there is a serious side to this.

The divisions in the Labour Party gave Cameron a much easier time

on Wednesday than he should've had.

Much of the debate was actually focused about the internal battles

in the Labour Party, whereas, it should've been focused

on dismantling what was a threadbare case for bombing in Syria.

According to one embattled Labour MP...

Oh, no!

What did one of Corbyn's most loyal supporters, Diane Abbott,

do in a Shadow Cabinet meeting?

Light an Advent candle?

Dangerous! According to the Sunday Times...

One source told the Sunday Times...

What was the former Shadow Education Secretary Tristram Hunt

doing when the Labour Party arguments all kicked off on Monday?

-Was he on holiday somewhere?

-No, he took to Twitter.

He was making his feelings very clear on another fairly major issue.

It was this. He tweeted...

That's his constituency.

Pizza Express?

Nigel Farage has been on Jeremy Corbyn's side in this debate,

but he's also been a stumbling block for him elsewhere.

-Where was that?

-That's the by-election...

Yesterday's by-election.

Do we know the result yet, tomorrow?

Political circles are still abuzz at the extraordinary result.

Yeah. I mean, no-one predicted that(!)

No.

Yes, Farage said of Corbyn...

Why's that a problem, Nige? Just quit and reappoint yourself.

But before the debate got going properly,

what did the Conservatives stick the boot into?

Jeremy Corbyn?

Before the debate got going.

Jeremy Corbyn?

Just before... No, it was the BBC. Do you know why?

That's the only thing I agree with the Conservatives on.

The Conservatives were arguing that we should now call Isis "Daesh,"

which I think we should,

because that's the mocking acronym that's used in the Arabic world.

But there are some Conservatives who so want to attack the BBC

that it's not enough just to say we should all be calling it Daesh,

but to say, "And the BBC are not calling it Daesh,

"which proves the BBC is a conspiracy."

-Terrorist sympathisers.

-Terrorist sympathisers.

The BBC, rigidly, they call it "so-called Islamic State."

Really confusing for old people

if they keep just changing the name all the time.

That's what they say about biscuits, though.

-Do they keep changing biscuits all the time?

-All the time!

Bastards.

Daesh don't like being called Daesh at all.

So people think it is going to hurt their feelings?

-Are we saying it right, Daesh?

-Daesh. Yes.

Kind of like what Sean Connery plays backgammon with.

LAUGHTER

Daesh.

Why is a little girl in Australia desperate for the name to change to Daesh?

-Her name is Isis.

-Her name is Isis. Pretty name.

-Yes, pretty name.

She's five years old and Nutella have refused to personalise a jar

of Nutella for her, like they have with other kids.

Genocide and Pogrom, for example.

Just to cheer us up, let's have a look

at some slightly better international news.

This is for match point, I think.

Look at that lob! Fantastic.

APPLAUSE

A British team winning the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936.

It's a great triumph for British sport, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

I have to say, I think...

APPLAUSE

Andy Murray and Jamie Murray and...

Andy and Jamie and...

So, basically, Dunblane won the Davis Cup.

Yes, a British win, then.

Shall we remind ourselves of the glory days? There we are.

Cameron doesn't look too pleased, you'd think...

He's just won Wimbledon, you'd think he'd be delighted.

That's a rather shady figure behind him in the dark glasses.

That's my wife.

What, him?!

Don't broadcast that.

This is the news that Britain is now at war

just a few hundred yards across from where we were already at war.

Dozens of MPs who were initially against airstrikes in Syria

ended up voting in favour.

Still, they're not the first people to have changed their minds on the way to Damascus.

Leading Labour's pro-bombing faction was Hilary Benn,

whose father Tony was president of the Stop the War coalition.

It just goes to show, if you call your son Hilary,

he will reject everything you stand for.

APPLAUSE

Ian and Sarah, take a look at this.

I think that's Conservative headquarters.

-Oh, I see.

-There's some young Tories.

-I see.

-Aged about 50.

-I've got a lanyard!

Oh, look, it's Michael Green. Oh, no.

Which one is the one that you swipe if you don't like them on Tinder?

I'm asking the wrong person!

It's just Grindr for me!

APPLAUSE

They had a horrible situation where a young member of their party

committed suicide, which was terribly sad.

-But then, now, afterwards, everybody is blaming everybody else.

-Yes.

This is the young Conservatives, who have been revealed as being ghastly,

which is a huge shock to everybody, as you can imagine.

Everybody thought they were nice, moderate, well-balanced young men.

-And women.

-And women. But it's mostly the men who are doing the bullying.

Who is at the centre of this controversy?

It's a man called Clarke.

Yes. Mark Clarke.

There are claims that he blackmailed ministers and sexually harassed co-workers.

Allegedly, I have to point out.

Mark Clarke has denied all these allegations.

What's the name that they're all going by, these young Tories?

-Tatler Tories.

-Do you know why?

The Tatler predicted that this man Clarke would one day

-be in the Cabinet.

-That's right.

And the Tatler is well-known for spotting political leaders.

-Can I just ask you, what is the Tatler?

-It's a magazine for knobs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They had an article in 2008

and they picked out ten young Tories who they reckoned were...

Here we've got a photograph of Mark Clarke,

that's him second from the left.

Is the woman standing in front of him saying to him,

"Will you please stop pumping air up my sleeve?"

She doesn't know what he's doing it with but she knows it's happening.

SARA: If she's actually just got

a really, really fat lower arm, you're going to feel awful.

Is her dad Popeye? She's got an anchor on there. Is her dad Popeye?

-It'll be on the notes if he is.

-It doesn't say.

-It can't be her dad.

Oh, Camilla the Sailor Man! You're absolutely right.

What is Mark Clarke's official role?

-He organised these road trips...

-That's right.

..of volunteers to drum up support for the Tory party.

Trouble is, it's so low-level.

It's, literally, young men going around saying,

"You will never work on the back desk of the assistant Conservative

"research department ever again." And everyone goes, "Ooh, no!"

-Do they go very camp when they're doing this?!

-They are!

One of Clarke's techniques is a thing called IIP.

-Does anybody know what it is?

-Intimidate, interrogate...party!

-You've got to have fun, at the end of the day!

-If only.

-It's his technique for using alcohol to lure women.

-You're joking.

He calls it...

AUDIENCE GROANS Oh, God! Oh, God.

Doesn't Theresa May stop those people coming into the country now?

Don't we have rules on this?

Former Tory co-chairman Grant Shapps has had to resign.

Why particularly did he have to resign?

Well, he was supposedly in charge

of these young people not bullying each other.

And there have been calls for Lord Feldman to resign.

But Grant Shapps had ignored repeated allegations.

And he was on the coach with them, was he?

He appointed him in 2014, I think, to run these road trips.

But he'd ignored all of these allegations

that had been presented to him.

-What prompted the resignation?

-Was it Tatler again?

-No, it's not.

Baroness Warsi, another former chairman of the Tory party,

she helpfully produced a letter,

revealing her complaint about Clark to Shapps in January. She said...

That was the end of her letter,

-whingeing about something else, though.

-Well, when...

To spread the blame about a bit.

It wasn't the principle point of her letter,

which made her case less impressive.

I see, but she also, she took Mark Clark off the candidates list,

the A list for candidates,

and he responded with a smear campaign, in which her called her...

There's a lot of that going about, isn't there?

That's where Cameron got his idea, then. From Grant Schnapps!

-Schnapps?!

-Schnapps?!

I called him Grant Schnapps by mistake once,

so it's a habit I've got.

Now I'm doing it deliberately.

There's been an inquiry. What was wrong with that?

Well, they were going to have an inquiry led by Lord Feldman.

And given that he was meant to be inquiring into himself...

"Anything wrong, old boy?"

"No, not at all." ..that didn't go very far.

But it should be OK because the brilliantly named Lord Pannick...

has, er...

has been put in charge to...

I would love it if he comes in in his robes, "Argh!"

And finally, on the subject of political activists, who'd like

to see an Irish government minister being questioned by an activist in Dublin this week?

This was Andy Whelan from the Revolutionary Republic News

questioning Irish Trade Minister Joe Costello over water charges.

Just ignore what they say and just keep on walking...

How is that fair?

DING!

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

Let's see it again.

DING!

Yes, this is the bullying scandal

involving Mark Clarke, the Tatler Tory.

After his behaviour during the 2010 election campaign,

a lengthy dossier compiled for Tory HQ said of Mark Clarke...

With a note in the margin adding, "future Cabinet Minister?"

One of Mark Clarke's colleagues on the 2015 road trip campaign

was the recently ennobled Baroness Emma Pidding.

Emma Pidding. I wonder if she's one of the Yorkshire Piddings?

LAUGHTER

And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

-SARA: Oh, brains!

-Yes. Buzzer.

-Men and women's brains!

-Buzzer.

-Oh!

-Ian and Sara.

Brains?

LAUGHTER

-Men and women's brains.

-Yes.

Men and women... Men and women all have brains.

So...

LAUGHTER

I was just thinking that your brain didn't

think about pressing the buzzer and his did, which is very annoying.

-Yes, but my brain did get it right!

-Yes!

This is the story that says that men and women's brains...

LAUGHTER

They're essentially the same.

So Women Are From Mars, Men Are From Venus,

whatever it was, that was just a book, not true at all.

The only difference

is that men can understand buzzers quicker than women.

LAUGHTER

That's the only one and it's very tiny.

A tiny amount.

According to the Mail, scientists analysed brain scans

of more than 1,400 men and women and found that...

LAUGHTER

What is a male brain and what is a female brain?

Well, that's the thing. Another thing that's quite sexist

is that they will say spatial and reasoning - male brain.

So even the way that they treat brains is very sexist.

There's an amazing book called The Gender Delusion,

which is all about sexism in brain studies and it's brilliant.

What is most prevalent is that they often do these studies,

find no results and they're not published.

So for every one that's in the Daily Mail,

there's 100 that found no difference.

Very interesting.

APPLAUSE

Professor Joel, who is the author of the study,

according to Professor Joel, the study did show that...

The other interesting thing is, actually, now with gender,

genitals isn't a sign of someone's gender any more either.

So, actually, I think this Dr Joel's an idiot!

And I know he's got a very good qualification

and I can't use buzzers, but...

I think she's a female doctor.

Oh! I was so sexist! I was so sexist! LAUGHTER

I just assumed it was a man! I'm having a terrible day!

Yeah, you are.

In other news, what facial feature might make men more sexist?

It's going to be something to do with facial hair and testosterone.

It's a beard. An Australian study this week

found that men with facial hair were more likely to...

There was this other theory earlier this year where people said

that more men were growing beards in response to women wanting more power.

So that they were asserting, "Ooh, look what I can grow!"

I can't see much evidence here.

These people are not cool, trendy people.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I said it in a jokey way! You know what I meant.

Right, let's get her!

Not cool and trendy?!

When the Daily Star covered this story,

who did they feature to illustrate...

-As the bearded sexist man?

-Yeah.

-Corbyn.

No women in the top of the Shadow Cabinet. It all makes sense!

No, the newly-bearded Prince Harry

and, of course, Abu Hamza.

What fashion trend might help soften the macho bravado of these

chauvinists at this time of year?

-The man bun.

-The what?

-The man bun.

-What is the man bun?

-I didn't wear mine tonight.

-Didn't you?

It's when men have quite a lot of long hair, but they wear it up.

-Actually, very similar to this.

-Like that.

-I see.

And you didn't wear yours tonight, Ian?

I didn't, no, because I didn't want to, you know,

make the audience feel uncool and trendy.

LAUGHTER

Let's move on from that statement. Ian! I'm on your team!

The must-have accessory for this Christmas is...glitter beards.

-Glitter beards?!

-Yep.

On the subject of Christmas, what have five poor student paramedics

used to make their Christmas tree with this week?

-Student paramedics? Not bones, or anything like that, is it?

-No!

-It's not body parts?

-It's gloves.

-That's rather good.

-Yeah.

-Artistic.

If that was vets, I'd find it very creepy,

-cos it looks like loads of udders.

-Oh, I see what you mean.

I'm just checking that people don't have that kind of stuff.

All the hands of undead souls escaping the spirit of Christmas.

That'd ruin the tree for anybody, if you thought of that.

This is a scientific study that has discovered

there are no real differences between male and female brains.

According to the Daily Mail,

the male brain tends to withstand pain better than the female brain.

Yes, I remember when my wife was giving birth

and she squeezed my hand so tightly, I didn't say a word.

-Is it true you remember your birth?

-No, I don't.

-You don't?

No, it's interesting. I vaguely...

-I reckon I have memories of being in the womb.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

I think we probably all do. There's a sort of sensation.

Why would we have memories of you being in the womb?

You're not that big a personality, that we all grow up thinking,

"I wonder how that guy Armstrong is doing in the womb?"

So, what were your memories like, then?

I just have a vague sort of sensory memory of warmth, you know.

It's rare in Northumberland, where I'm from.

No, just sort of a slightly wet, rubbery sort of...

LAUGHTER

Do you often have this, Alexander? Does this happen all the time?

No, I genuinely... There's a sort of sensory memory I have...

That the inside of your mum is made of wet rubber?

Yes.

Right. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Yes?

-Golfers are getting confused.

Because Brussels sprouts have become genetically engineered

to be exactly the same weight and size as a golf ball.

-It's super sprouts.

-It is super sprouts.

It is super sprouts. Nobody knows how to control them.

A sprout like that could take over the world.

-These are monster sprouts.

-Monster sprouts.

They grow legs, we're in trouble.

-Why are they so big?

-Because they're massive.

They're great big buggers and they don't care who knows it.

There were bitten by a radioactive tortoise and they've grown hugely.

-Or just a warm August.

-A warm August?

Oh, the most deadly of all foes!

LAUGHTER

Who is this bad news for, obviously?

-Little sprouts.

-LAUGHTER

The runner bean's done a runner! "I'm out of here!"

-Who's it bad news for?

-For children, obviously.

-Why is it bad news?

-Because they don't like sprouts.

-They don't have to eat them, then.

Also because these abnormally large sprouts,

they measure 40 millimetres wide, 45 millimetres long...

Well, you could cut them up.

I've got a sprout comparison chart here to make things a bit clearer.

There we are.

They're monsters. What do we have to thank?

-Global warming?

-Global warming. According to the Independent...

Speaking of climate change,

-how have world leaders been tackling the problem this week?

-In Paris.

They have indeed. They're going to limit global warming,

if they can, to two degrees centigrade this century.

So it's pretty much all... all sorted, which is great.

Who was representing Britain there?

Who was helping to represent Britain, I should say?

-David Cameron and Prince Charles.

-Prince Charles.

They were both there.

Yes, Prince Charles showing how passionate he is on the issue.

"I'm going to write you a letter if you're not careful!"

Apart from climate change, what was Prince Charles worried about?

-Getting home.

-No. He told scientists that he feared for the future...

He said...

Your Highness, you had me at "Fourme d'Ambert".

Jon Snow cancelled a meeting with Prince Charles at the conference,

what was the reason for that?

Prince Charles had a 15-page memorandum,

which he hands to broadcasters, of things you can and cannot do,

you can and can't ask about. So they said,

"Well, in that circumstance, we won't interview you, then."

Absolutely right. Channel 4 described it as...

Yes, it was a list of questions they couldn't ask.

"Are you looking forward to anyone dying?"

And The Sun mocked up Charles as Kim Jong-un.

Who had a heart-warming, historic handshake at the conference?

Heart-warming, historic.

It was the Israeli and Palestinian leaders. Netanyahu and Abbas

shared a handshake. What soured the moment?

-Occupation of Palestine?

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just as the historic moment was happening, the President of Comoros,

Ikililou Dhoinine, got in the way of the camera,

so the only official photograph

of the historic handshake looks like this.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Sarah, your four are...

Rachel Dolezal, La Bella Principessa,

Sarah and Zac from DWP and Margaret Thatcher's high heels.

Well, the only one I really know very much about is Rachel Dolezal.

She was that woman who said she was black when she's not.

She's completely of white heritage.

-So could this be something to do with...

-Faking it?

Cos this is a portrait which is meant to be an Old Master, but

a man said, "I painted it," um, and it's the face of a girl from Tesco.

-OK, and these guys?

-They're from Department of Work and Pensions.

Do you remember there was a case when the DWP gave you guidelines

and they said, "These people, for example, are real-life stories"?

-And they weren't, they made it up.

-So this is to do with faking things.

-So Margaret Thatcher's shoes are real.

-The shoes are real.

-Accused of being fake.

-I bet they're not, though.

Yes, that's the right answer!

APPLAUSE

They're all false identities, apart from Maggie Thatcher's high heels,

which were involved in a case of mistaken identity.

They were mistaken for high-grade weapons.

-Who by? When, where?

-Well, by Russian security.

She'd been in Russia and she went to some funeral and it was so cold,

they lent her some boots and fur coat,

or something like that, for her to wear

and her high heels were then put in the pockets of her security detail

and the Russian security thought they were packing some kind of heat.

She went to Russia without a coat?

That seems to be the long and the short of it, yes.

Was there no Foreign Office report

that it was cold that time of year in Russia?

-What else has Lady Thatcher been up to this week?

-Not much.

Well...

she was voted the most influential woman of all time

and the most influential women in Scottish politics for 200 years.

How has Nicola taken that news, I wonder?

She was the most influential woman in Scottish politics

because she drove Scotland towards independence, that's why.

-Nicola was delighted, of course.

-I never expected that as an answer(!)

So La Bella Principessa, you were absolutely right.

-It's the Co-op, rather than Tesco.

-Oh, is it?

Well, I'm not paid by them, so for me, it's Tesco.

Convicted forger Shaun Greenhalgh

claimed that he, rather than Leonardo da Vinci,

-had painted La Bella Principessa.

-It's beautiful, isn't it?

The painting has been valued at £100 million, plus 5p for the bag.

Greenhalgh claimed that it was...

Shaun said...

She's been painted by Leonardo da Vinci.

-It's going to go to someone's head.

-Sarah and Zac, you got that.

Zac and Sarah.

I thought you'd forgotten Ian's name then, for a second.

-Is that your nickname?

-Yeah, I'm mostly known as Zac.

They appeared as case studies on leaflets

produced by the Department of Work and Pensions,

talking about the positive experiences of the welfare system.

Rachel Dolezal, American civil rights activist

and university lecturer stepped down earlier this year

as president of the chapter of the...

..after admitting she was actually white.

-How was her false identity blown?

-Her parents.

-Absolutely right, yeah.

-They were a bit cross.

-They gave an interview and they revealed that Rachel had...

How did Rachel respond to her parents?

-Slammed the door and ran out of her bedroom?

-Pretty much. She said...

That's what happens.

Staying with fake identities, also this week,

a robbery was carried out by two crooks wearing panda onesies.

The thieves held up a newsagent's and demanded cash from the till.

Ching Ching...was waiting outside in the getaway car.

The robbery went smoothly until the pandas saw the sign

on the newsagent's door, saying, "No more than two children,"

at which point the pandas looked at each other and burst into tears.

-That's sad. That's sad.

-Paul and Alex, here are yours.

Farmer Ben Fletch's sweet potato,

Geminoid F, Kellogg's Corn Flakes and John Prescott's office.

-I think this is about sex, basically.

-Sex?

Yeah, cos Geminoid F is a sex robot.

I've heard, I've been told...

I read somewhere, I saw it on television, something like that.

Farmer Ben Fletch,

he's the farmer who keeps unearthing sensuous potatoes.

-Sensuous potatoes?

-Sensuously shaped.

Your knowledge about this is disturbingly...thorough.

And I think the office is where John Prescott had sex.

With that lampshade?

With a lampshade! With a lampshade.

And it was revealed that Kellogg,

the originator of Corn Flakes, was anti-sex.

People had Corn Flakes in the morning instead of having sex.

Therefore, all the other three are about sex except Corn Flakes.

I suggest it's Corn Flakes.

You've... That was amazing.

APPLAUSE

-SARA: It's like watching a Scottish Columbo.

-Wasn't it?

He went through each of the facts one by one. "I deduce!" It was brilliant!

ALEX: If you wait long enough in a programme,

you get onto your specialist subject.

SARA: Sensual potatoes!

APPLAUSE

Dr John Harvey Kellogg and his brother Will

came up with the Corn Flake recipe as they believed that

plainer foods helped "cleanse the body and mind" of erotic desires.

Though there was an unfortunate misunderstanding

early in the marketing process

when he asked a designer to put a massive cock on the cereal packet.

What was Dr Kellogg's novel approach to eating yoghurt?

-Did you hear about that?

-No.

He believed that after administering your morning enema,

a pint of yogurt should be consumed...

Hence the expression, "Mmm, Danone!"

You're absolutely right about Ben Fletch as well.

He found a sweet potato so sexy, he couldn't bring himself to eat it.

What was so sexy about this vegetable?

Boobies? Did it have boobies on it?

No. According to the Mirror, it bore...

There it is.

What did Fletch do with it instead?

Did he give it a good forking?

He told reporters...

Threw it away!

It's in his special drawer in the shed.

According to The Sun, John Prescott's government office

was destroyed this summer to stop officials being distracted

by thoughts of the former Deputy PM's romps.

But, to be honest, the sofa they used

was pretty much destroyed at the time.

John Prescott told the press...

And then they found out about his affair!

Geminoid F. It's not a sex robot. It's just a robot.

Yes, where does this sex robot come in?

It was a wild guess, I've got no specialist knowledge of this.

Here she is.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you! #

-What's meant to be sexy about that?!

-It's been dubbed...

-But who voted it the world's sexiest robot?

-People!

In other sexy inanimate object news,

what's the criticism of a new German building called The Domesticator?

The way the sunlight hits it at around about three o'clock

in the afternoon beams into the back of people's brains

and they have orgasms.

-Oh, lovely.

-Great news for the people of Berlin.

Let's have a look at The Domesticator.

-ALEX: You were close.

-I don't get it.

When Lego goes wrong. I was nearer than I thought.

LEGO-ver!

Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features,

as its guest publication...

Pest. The independent UK pest management magazine.

And we start with...

ALEX: Reverse charges.

No. It's...

Oh, yes!

President Erdogan of Turkey is prosecuting someone

who claimed he looks like Gollum.

And that is the case for the prosecution!

Next...

Flicking the V sign?

This is a young lad who wouldn't be in the Christmas card,

so they went ahead and he's about six feet away, looking very upset.

Australian Labour politician Andrew Leigh's family Christmas card

went viral this week after one of his kids

was featured on the card, sulking.

Next...

Tried to chat up sex robot with sexy potato.

Fancy a spud?

To conceal his wealth after he left office,

mostly in offshore funds in strange tax havens

and, essentially, he was really dire.

-Stand-up comedy.

-Absolutely right.

-Tony Blair said in an interview this week...

-At least only he died.

APPLAUSE

Tony Blair said in an interview this week

that his attempts at being a comedian were truly dire.

According to The Guardian, Blair said...

Quite right. If it doesn't go well,

you can just order another dossier of material.

Next...

Infested with squirrels.

I'm thinking like a tabloid news headline writer.

-This is a screaming building, isn't it?

-It is.

-A screaming building?

Yeah, it sways in the wind and makes a high-pitched sound.

You're absolutely right.

This is the Beetham Tower in Manchester which,

every time the wind picks up, won't stop screaming.

Sounds annoying, but next week it's hosting Loose Women.

Let's have a listen.

METALLIC DRONING

That's OK. That's like a symphony. What are they complaining about?

-A slightly dull symphony but, yeah.

-It's cos it sounds like bagpipes.

And finally...

Only reader.

Guess how many cockroaches are in the picture.

This is...a blank autocue.

LAUGHTER

-For a minute there, you'll have to rely on raw talent.

-Oh, no.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Perish the thought. The final scores are...

Ian and Sara, 6, but Paul and Alex running away with 10.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

SARA: Oh, no!

Potato found in green park.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Sara Pascoe, Paul Merton and Alex Salmond MSP MP.

And I leave you with news that, as a new training course begins,

it's clear Operation Yewtree has taken its toll.

In Japan, as the recession worsens,

a robot servant is told he's going to have to be let go.

And, after repeated public criticism of his leadership,

Jeremy Corbyn, along with members of the Left Unity Group,

make their way to Hilary Benn's house for clear-the-air talks.

Goodnight!