Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 3

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I apparently was last on the programme 20 years ago.

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-Yeah, before the internet.

-Before the internet,

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and I'm now 104, and it's great...

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It's great to be back.

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The audience is huge! It was much smaller 20 years ago.

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-Just used to be one bloke, we used to tell him about it.

-One...

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He'd go out and tell other people and that was it, really,

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it wasn't even televised then.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week,

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Amazon denies that its drivers are losing patience

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with customers who aren't in when they try to deliver.

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In the Gulf of Mexico,

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after successfully smuggling a kilo of cocaine,

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a drug lord's highly trained raccoon makes a last-minute slip-up.

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And on the outskirts of Cambridge,

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a technology company unveils its robot simulation

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of the final stages of Eddie Izzard's 27th marathon.

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Very accurate, that. Yeah.

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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

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who recently made a show in Sri Lanka

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and says the locals were chatty and hospitable,

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but he yearned for the cold indifference

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of Londoners back home.

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Whatever. Please welcome Romesh Ranganathan.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian who has described himself

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as an "action transvestite".

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To this day, Hasbro's worst-selling toy.

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Please welcome Eddie Izzard.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Eddie, take a look at this.

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Ah, the Queen, God bless her. There she is. Oh...

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Ah, sorry, there she is.

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The Queen is nine years old.

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This is not the time to be practising his archery.

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And that's when cousins marry.

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She has run out of smiles.

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She's...she's... I just...

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Earlier, they were lighting a thing that goes on

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and they said the Queen looked very happy, and she does not.

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The Queen's incredibly popular,

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people are very worried what happens after she dies.

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So I suggest she should remain Queen after she dies.

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I think that would solve all the problems,

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and all the other heirs to the throne

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can go on and on and wave, and all the other stuff.

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-They can do, like, a hologram.

-LAUGHTER

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I don't know why you're laughing, I think it's perfectly...

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I think there should be new waving.

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I think the, "I'm curving my hand around a candle" wave is odd

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and someone should teach...

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"Imagine you're cleaning a window", you should say to her.

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I think just bring them really up to date.

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Just "Brrap-brrap-brrap!"

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-EDDIE:

-That could work, but I think

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if the Queen was in the chariot, going along,

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and she's going, "Dave!"

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Occasionally, a bit of that, cos that always works, doesn't it?

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That works on stage, you come on stage, you go...

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-Occasionally...

-HE CLICKS TONGUE

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"Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!"

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Just live it, live it large a bit.

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-ROMESH:

-Just once, just once,

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if she was just... then she just went...

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Just once would be amazing. Imagine the coverage.

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There would be a three-hour special on that. A series.

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The Duke of Edinburgh's done it quite a lot.

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So she's 90 and that's it.

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How did she kick off the birthday celebrations?

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The bumps.

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-She went to visit the delivery office in Windsor.

-Yes.

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Sadly, there was no-one in, so she had to go next door.

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But that was the official kick-off of the celebrations.

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Several commemorative stamps are being issued...

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-Yes.

-..for the occasion.

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Why was this a difficult photoshoot? What was the challenge?

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There was a problem with the boy.

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They needed to get all their heads on the same level

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and he's extremely inconsiderate

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and he's...he's not very tall.

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I think there's five stamps. There's four of their heads

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and one of that little stack that he's standing on.

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They are just old photo cases, I think.

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Literally, the photographer hadn't thought

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beforehand, so he improvised.

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So it hadn't occurred to him

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that George might be shorter than the other people?

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And it was a surprise - it was, like, "Oh, my gosh.

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"You look a lot bigger in the official photos.

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"I had no idea."

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They could've cropped the books out and made it look like he had

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extraordinarily long legs - that's what I would've done.

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Of course, they couldn't do that because they needed

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each head to be a stamp.

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What horrible pressure on the Queen -

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you've got a picture of her head now

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next to a picture of her head when she was a lot younger.

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It feels a bit harsh, doesn't it?

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It's the sort of thing the Daily Mail would do -

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"Hasn't she aged badly?

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"1957, she looked a lot younger.

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-"Look, she's old!"

-That's actually an anomaly, though.

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You don't normally get two Queen's heads on a stamp.

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If the Queen's own face is on a stamp,

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you get a crown, not the silhouette.

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But cos this is a slightly odd photoshoot,

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to fit everything in, they figured they couldn't put a crown in,

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so they've got two Queen's heads.

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It's very exciting for stamp collectors.

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It is - as are most things.

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APPLAUSE

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-ROMESH:

-Sorry, but that kid's head on a stamp

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is one of the creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.

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I would post the letter just to get it out of my possession.

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Normal people who aren't stamp collectors

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would use the stamps, peel them off,

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but you can still keep the remaining portrait -

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there you go.

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I tell you what, that headless child,

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still not as creepy as the one with just his head on.

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What has 83-year-old Ben Bennett erected in his garden in Windsor...

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Oh, oh...!

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..put up in his garden in Windsor to celebrate the birthday?

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An effigy of the Queen - a 12ft effigy.

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-It is a 12ft effigy of the Queen.

-Is it?

-Yes!

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-ROMESH:

-Whoa!

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Yes, and the Duke of Edinburgh.

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Why is she next to a sex offender?

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Sorry - I'm referring to the head rather than the man in the red.

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Just in case the lawyer's suddenly woken up.

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Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.

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Mr Bennett said...

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Can he name them?

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Now, who knows what misfortune befell this royal well-wisher?

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-EDDIE:

-Nine... Did it... Pin in it, and boof!

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And she went off - woof! - over a house

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and landed in a...

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-ROMESH:

-Landed on top of a big Queen's head

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with some grass coming out of it?

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Again, you're close.

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-Uh...

-How is... How is this happening?!

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I have no idea. It... It got in my brain.

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-She wasn't attached to it but the nine blew away.

-Yeah.

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Let's have a look.

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-Oh, they've lost the...

-Oh, no, they've lost the number nine!

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Oh, no, the nine has gone.

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That's why the lady was running, she's lost the number nine.

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Oh, I thought she was running at Carol.

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-I felt so bad there.

-Is she going to get it back?

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Oh, she's running after her balloon.

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I don't rate her chances very well. Will it land?

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-It's coming back down.

-It is, it's...

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-CAROL:

-Oh, no, she might catch it yet!

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-She might.

-She's not letting it go - I wouldn't either.

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That lady's from Cardiff,

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she got up very early this morning to come here.

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-Oh, it's a disaster.

-Oh.

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I mean, he said it was a disaster.

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I think the biggest disaster

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was continuing to follow with the footage

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and seeing how that ended up, d'you know what I mean?

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A woman chasing a balloon. "Is she going to get it back?"

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I don't know, mate... Let's see what happens.

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It is a problem for royal commentators

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cos they've been doing the same programme for 50 years...

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-Yeah, yeah.

-A lot of time to fill.

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A lot of time to fill and very, very little to say.

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So the balloon went off and you think,

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"Holy shit, we've got 20 minutes out of here!

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"Let's see how this pans out! Hello, tuck in!

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-"We could do a spin-off special on this one."

-Yeah.

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I do remember when...

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When it was...

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William getting married to Kate and then people said,

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"They've been made Duke and Duchess of Cambridge,

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"what d'you think, what d'you think?"

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And what can you think to that?

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"Cambridge? I thought it'd be Dagenham."

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"No, no, Coventry. Why Cambridge? Why? Why? Why?!

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"Of all towns and cities, it could've been Oxford,

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"it could've been Spain, I don't know..."

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What can you say to that?

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Probably not Spain without an incident of some sort.

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Enough of this chat.

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-It's time for our Quick Queen Quiz.

-Right.

-Yes.

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What did former royal correspondent Jennie Bond

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see inside the Queen's handbag

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when it fell open during a trip to Pakistan?

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BUZZER Yes?

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Bags of heroin.

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No.

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-BUZZER

-Not that?

-Cigarettes.

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No.

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The Duke of Edinburgh.

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No - I can tell you,

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Jennie Bond exclusively revealed in this week's Daily Mirror...

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It is really desperate, this coverage, isn't it?

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A hanky and a mirror -

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handy if you want to take some heroin.

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"And as the royal finger dabs into the mound..."

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Next one - we know that the Queen owns all the swans in Britain.

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What else does she own that shares its name

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with a well-known politician?

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BUZZER

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Buckingham Palace? The Duke of Buckingham?

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No - a well-known current politician.

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-Oh, not somebody in the English Civil War?

-No.

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-Wasn't clear in the question, you see.

-I'm so sorry.

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It's sturgeon.

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She owns all the sturgeons?

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The Queen owns all the sturgeon, dolphins and whales

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in British waters.

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-Ah!

-Do they know this?

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-To mark the Queen's wartime work...

-Yeah.

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..as a mechanic, what did Kwik Fit offer to do?

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Uh, get Prince Philip up on the blocks?

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Have a look underneath him.

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They sculpted a portrait out of motoring accessories.

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Oh, it's Gaddafi again.

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It's made of 800 car parts.

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And in a touching tribute to the Queen Mother's favourite tipple,

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some brake fluid. That's in there as well.

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What d'you think it's called, the sculpture?

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-EDDIE:

-Jeff.

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-ROMESH:

-Uh, Abomination.

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It's called...

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-Right...

-Oh!

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Final question in the Quick Queen Quiz,

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how did German magazine Der Spiegel

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celebrate the Queen's birthday?

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-BELL

-Did they...?

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Did they make a sculpture of her out of...stuff they found?

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They put a touching tribute on their front page.

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There we go, that's...

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It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles.

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APPLAUSE

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Finally, back to the Queen's birthday...

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How did the animals at the Blue Cross homing centre in Torbay

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mark the Queen's birthday?

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They wrote a poem.

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They did.

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-And this is it.

-Go on, then.

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Rarr-rarr, rarr-rarr-rarr

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Rarr-rarr, rarr-rarr, rarr

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-Ah, rarr-rarr, rarr-rarr...

-Mm.

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..Rarr, rarr-rarr-rarr.

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You are basically correct.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Uh... Although, it-it wasn't a poem, it was the song, Happy Birthday.

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-Oh!

-Shall we... Shall we have a look at the animals' performance?

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-Yes, by all means.

-They all sang it, did they?

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# Woof, woof

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# Woof, woof

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# Meow, meow

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# Woof-woof, woof, woof

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# Prrr!

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# Meow, meow

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# Woof, woof

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-# Meow

-Waaa

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-# Meow, meow

-Woof

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-# Meow, meow

-Waaa

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-# Woof, woof

-Meow, meow. #

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SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

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Oh, don't applaud!

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You mentioned poetry earlier,

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this was, of course, a perfect opportunity

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for the Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy,

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to write a nice poem marking the Queen's 90th.

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What has she specifically chosen as her subject?

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She's a different type of Poet Laureate.

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The old types used to, you know, do birthday odes and tributes,

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-but she's doing an ode to the demise of the gas meter.

-Mm.

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Um, cos, you know, they're passing from the nation's life

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and she's going to commemorate them.

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Will she be using... You know, the pun,

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the fact that "meter" means something in poetry?

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That would be terrific.

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Yeah, you know, extol the virtues of these gas meters

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as they disappear. Some sort of epic story.

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When she finishes the poem she could give us...

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a READING.

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LAUGHTER Thank you.

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I hope she's CORGI registered.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, this is the wonderful news that the Queen is 90 years old

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and still going strong.

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Several national events are planned to celebrate

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this momentous royal milestone, including...

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Lovely.

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Terrific. And...

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It's a no from me.

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According to one of the many fact-filled

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royal pull-outs this week...

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Yes, it's called the taxpayer.

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The Queen has bred corgis with dachshunds

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which are known as "dorgis," though, of course,

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that could just be her way of pronouncing "doggies".

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Ian and Romesh, take a look at this.

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That's my inspiration.

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That's a headmistress after one of his policies on education.

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That's the Remain camp, hitting the phones.

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Boris, digging himself out of another situation.

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Well, this is week 17 of the big Brexit debate.

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And it's all go this week.

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There's a speech from Gove, which shocked everyone,

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because it was sort of... not terrible.

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What I quite like is the fact that they have all been talking

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about how they don't want to scare anyone into making a decision,

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and then Michael Gove compared it to a hostage situation.

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-It feels like sort of the opposite.

-Yes, he said...

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Do you know what I think the problem with that is?

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When people use analogies that are purely from

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their own life experience - I just think that's...

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It's funny you should say that. The Sun mocked up a picture

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to show us what that would look like.

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That's an old NUT promotional photo, isn't it?

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LAUGHTER

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There's some teachers in!

0:15:230:15:25

What did George Osborne call Michael Gove

0:15:250:15:28

and Boris Johnson, among others?

0:15:280:15:30

Uh, bogeymen?

0:15:300:15:31

-Scaremongers?

-No, it was a particular insult.

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-He said...

-Oiks?

0:15:350:15:37

I can't wait to hear how he slammed them.

0:15:380:15:40

This is going to be incredible.

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It was pithy.

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He said...

0:15:450:15:47

And what was Boris Johnson's analysis

0:15:530:15:55

of David Cameron's rhetoric?

0:15:550:15:57

He said Cameron was talking bollocks.

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Pretty much.

0:16:000:16:01

He said, "The PM was very clear before the whole campaign began

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"that Britain could have a great future outside the EU,

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"but now there's this idea that no trade can take place

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"unless the different governments agree with each other."

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That's Latin.

0:16:130:16:14

George Osborne said that leaving the EU would cost £4,300 per household.

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Who'd be taking it?

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The economy's going to shrink by 6%, apparently, if we leave the EU.

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So this money would not be available.

0:16:260:16:28

George Osborne put out this massive dossier with loads of equations...

0:16:280:16:33

-Yeah.

-..and dummy variables and all of this crap...

0:16:330:16:36

Let's have a look at that equation.

0:16:360:16:38

Who...? If you are trying to get somebody onside to an argument,

0:16:380:16:40

you don't use algebra!

0:16:400:16:42

That's...

0:16:420:16:44

-EDDIE:

-That's not the real one, is it?

-Yes!

0:16:440:16:45

That's what people hated the most!

0:16:450:16:47

That is the equation that George Osborne unveiled...

0:16:470:16:50

These are all variables that you can't predict,

0:16:500:16:52

so those equations are absolutely meaningless.

0:16:520:16:55

The last four letters seem to spell "eejit".

0:16:550:16:57

APPLAUSE

0:17:020:17:04

Who was with George Osborne when he made his big speech,

0:17:040:17:08

-did you see that?

-Liz Truss was there.

-It was.

0:17:080:17:10

Environment Secretary Liz Truss.

0:17:100:17:12

-She's not always been a big fan of the EU, of course.

-No.

0:17:120:17:15

And she was once quite worried

0:17:150:17:16

about how much of their dairy produce comes to Britain.

0:17:160:17:19

-Mm.

-We couldn't see that, could we?

0:17:190:17:21

Let's have a look.

0:17:210:17:23

We import two-thirds of our cheese.

0:17:230:17:27

LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO

0:17:270:17:29

That is a disgrace.

0:17:290:17:32

But if the consequences of leaving the EU are so terrible,

0:17:380:17:41

why are they letting us vote on it at all?

0:17:410:17:44

Well, it's...

0:17:440:17:46

Am I going to get into this? I'm a positive person.

0:17:460:17:49

Basically, if we...

0:17:490:17:50

I start this discussion with, if we want a world

0:17:500:17:53

where seven billion people all have a fair chance,

0:17:530:17:55

we've got to try and make Europe work.

0:17:550:17:56

If we want to make it work,

0:17:560:17:57

we've got to be inside it to make it work.

0:17:570:17:59

Running and hiding is just not the British way.

0:17:590:18:01

Standing and fighting is what we should do,

0:18:010:18:03

so I'm for standing and fighting.

0:18:030:18:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:050:18:07

The idea of running and hiding does sound pretty cool, though.

0:18:080:18:12

I dunno, it sort of implies that if we leave the EU,

0:18:130:18:15

they won't be able to find us.

0:18:150:18:18

"Where's Britain gone?" "I've got no idea.

0:18:180:18:20

"Left the EU, I haven't seen them for a few months."

0:18:200:18:23

How did Nigel Farage cheer up a crowd of Leavers this week?

0:18:230:18:27

He didn't turn up?

0:18:270:18:29

No, he shouted out the names of pro-Europeans,

0:18:310:18:34

like Peter Mandelson and Nick Clegg and Tony Blair,

0:18:340:18:36

for the audience to boo.

0:18:360:18:37

But I'm not sure that he quite needed to bring Europe into it.

0:18:370:18:41

I mean, if we just... I'm going to give it a go.

0:18:410:18:43

-Peter Mandelson. AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

0:18:430:18:45

-Nick Clegg. AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

0:18:450:18:47

-Tony Blair. AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

0:18:470:18:49

Nothing to do with Europe at all.

0:18:490:18:51

Do you agree that audiences are too easily led?

0:18:510:18:53

-MIXED REACTION FROM AUDIENCE

-Yes!

0:18:530:18:56

Eddie, you're pro-EU.

0:18:560:18:58

Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?

0:18:580:19:01

Oh, I don't know!

0:19:010:19:04

Oh, this is a thing, this is a thing.

0:19:040:19:06

I thought you were just talking to me. Um...

0:19:060:19:08

LAUGHTER

0:19:080:19:10

-ROMESH:

-We have been recording this whole time.

0:19:100:19:12

Could it be... Could it be thinking people of the United Kingdom?

0:19:120:19:16

No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.

0:19:160:19:18

If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the face

0:19:180:19:21

when he doesn't get a steak, who can you trust?

0:19:210:19:23

That's what I say. Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...

0:19:230:19:26

So why is he in favour of it, then?

0:19:290:19:31

Who were the big... Who are the big celebrity Leavers, the big "outers"?

0:19:330:19:38

-Ian Botham.

-Yes.

0:19:380:19:40

Katie Hopkins, isn't she Leave?

0:19:400:19:43

Hmm... I don't know...

0:19:430:19:44

I think we want HER to leave, I think that's the other way around.

0:19:440:19:48

The list I've got here is...

0:19:480:19:49

Ian Botham, Eddie the Eagle, Joan Collins and Frederick Forsyth.

0:19:490:19:53

It's like a Parkinson from the '80s!

0:19:530:19:55

Amazing line-up(!)

0:19:560:19:57

What irritated Boris Johnson this week?

0:19:570:20:00

A rash.

0:20:000:20:01

While Boris Johnson was making his speech,

0:20:040:20:06

the reporter Michael Crick was doing a piece to camera at the same time.

0:20:060:20:09

Let's have a look.

0:20:090:20:11

Well, as you heard there, the typical Boris Johnson rhetoric.

0:20:110:20:14

I was talking earlier to people in the crowd...

0:20:140:20:17

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:20:250:20:27

One of the interesting little incidents we caught...

0:20:330:20:36

-Excuse me, I'm live on television.

-Well, could you keep quiet?

0:20:360:20:39

-All right, I'm sorry.

-The guy is trying to talk.

0:20:390:20:41

-OK.

-And you're interrupting.

0:20:410:20:42

I'm just trying to explain what's going on here.

0:20:420:20:44

-Yeah, so is he.

-OK. The... Earlier, the...

0:20:440:20:47

LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:50

Excuse me, we're... Excuse me.

0:20:500:20:52

I'm just trying to explain... OK.

0:20:520:20:55

-STUDIO PRESENTER:

-Are you all right there, Michael?

0:20:550:20:57

-I think maybe we'll leave you there for now.

-Fine.

0:20:570:21:00

Bernie Ecclestone aired his views on Europe at a conference this week,

0:21:040:21:09

an advertising conference.

0:21:090:21:10

Who did he say should be running Europe?

0:21:100:21:13

He said Putin should be running Europe,

0:21:130:21:15

which is a distinct possibility, it wouldn't...take a huge amount.

0:21:150:21:19

No, Bernie thinks that would be the best solution, get a hard man in.

0:21:190:21:22

-Europe's pathetic.

-For what reason?

0:21:220:21:24

What does he think is good about Putin?

0:21:240:21:26

He doesn't have any democratic worries?

0:21:260:21:28

-Basically, yes...

-Looks good on a horse.

0:21:280:21:31

He said about Putin...

0:21:320:21:34

I just don't think that's a great qualification.

0:21:370:21:39

If somebody finished a pie...

0:21:390:21:42

..and they said before that, "I'm going to eat this pie

0:21:430:21:45

"and I'm going to finish it."

0:21:450:21:46

And they said, "D'you know what?

0:21:460:21:48

-"He said he was going to eat that pie."

-Mm.

0:21:480:21:51

"He finished that pie, he should be the leader of Europe."

0:21:510:21:54

It is, you're saying you need to define things.

0:21:560:21:58

-ROMESH:

-Yeah, basically!

0:21:580:22:00

What did David Cameron do at the weekend to cheer his party up?

0:22:000:22:03

-Oh, is this the awayday?

-Yes.

0:22:030:22:05

-Where he did a stand-up routine?

-ROMESH:

-What?

0:22:050:22:08

-And told a few jokes.

-Did he?

0:22:080:22:09

Yeah, they had a bonding weekend and he did some gags.

0:22:090:22:12

I can't actually remember what...

0:22:120:22:14

It involves... A man moves to a place where there's a farmer...

0:22:140:22:17

-Yeah.

-..and the farmer says,

0:22:170:22:19

"We're having a party tomorrow night, why don't you come?"

0:22:190:22:22

And the guy says, "Great, I'll come."

0:22:220:22:23

But the farmer says, "The only thing, it is fancy dress,

0:22:230:22:26

"you will have to wear quite a peculiar costume."

0:22:260:22:29

Well, the man says, "That's OK, I'm happy to do that."

0:22:290:22:31

The farmer says, "There's going to be a great deal to drink,

0:22:310:22:33

"there's going to be fighting and then things will get a little lewd,

0:22:330:22:37

"there will be some rough sex."

0:22:370:22:40

"That's all right," the guy says. "How many people are coming?"

0:22:400:22:42

The farmer said, "It's just us."

0:22:420:22:45

And then he said, "What are you going to do about

0:22:450:22:47

"the constant downward pressure on milk prices?"

0:22:470:22:49

Yeah.

0:22:490:22:51

What does Jeremy Corbyn become

0:22:510:22:52

the first major British politician to do?

0:22:520:22:55

-He's gone on, um, Snapchat.

-He has gone on Snapchat.

0:22:550:22:59

-And what do you do on Snapchat?

-Well, Snapchat...

0:22:590:23:01

Well, what you do, for the most part, is very unsavoury, but...

0:23:010:23:06

Let's have a glimpse into the working life of the Labour leader.

0:23:070:23:10

There we go, that's him.

0:23:100:23:12

I mean, that is a photo of him having his photo taken.

0:23:120:23:15

His Snapchat is basically Gogglebox. It just...

0:23:150:23:19

If you want to reduce Snapchat to effectively a photo album,

0:23:190:23:22

you can do what Corbyn's done.

0:23:220:23:24

There's one where he's just taken a picture of a Tunnock's teacake

0:23:240:23:28

and then he's just put underneath it, "Road fuel,"

0:23:280:23:31

which, I don't know what car he's driving, but that is...

0:23:310:23:34

That's going to do nothing.

0:23:340:23:35

-I thought on Snapchat everyone was nude.

-You don't have to be.

0:23:350:23:39

Oh, you don't?

0:23:390:23:40

That was something I discovered about six months in.

0:23:400:23:43

There's a new job being advertised within the Labour Party,

0:23:430:23:46

anybody know?

0:23:460:23:47

-Nude job or new job?

-A new job. A new job.

0:23:470:23:50

-What job is being advertised in the Labour Party?

-Leader.

0:23:500:23:53

It's actually for the post of Leader's Office Media Spokesperson,

0:23:560:24:00

and this is not to say that Jeremy Corbyn should be nervous,

0:24:000:24:03

but under "Duration", it says...

0:24:030:24:05

This is the debate on Europe, which has generated so many column inches.

0:24:150:24:18

George Osborne issued a stark warning that Brexit would cost...

0:24:180:24:21

Blimey, that's four rolls of his dad's wallpaper!

0:24:240:24:27

The President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker,

0:24:270:24:30

admitted that the British public are fed up with hearing about...

0:24:300:24:34

But enough about that celebrity injunction.

0:24:380:24:40

And so to round two, the Strength-o-Meter Of News.

0:24:420:24:45

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:24:450:24:48

BUZZER Paul and Eddie?

0:24:520:24:54

Yes, this is Johnny Depp and his wife have been fined

0:24:540:24:56

because they smuggled - they didn't think they were smuggling,

0:24:560:24:59

but that's what they were doing - dogs into Australia,

0:24:590:25:01

which you are not allowed to do because of quarantine laws.

0:25:010:25:04

They do say that dogs end up looking like their owners,

0:25:040:25:06

and there is a...perfect example of it beginning to happen genetically.

0:25:060:25:09

-Do you know the dogs' names?

-Er...

-ROMESH:

-Boo?

0:25:090:25:12

Yeah, they're called...

0:25:120:25:13

-Ah!

-That alone is worth community service.

0:25:150:25:17

Yeah, they took them into Australia without the right paperwork

0:25:170:25:21

and Johnny Depp's wife, Amber Heard,

0:25:210:25:24

she could have got ten years in prison.

0:25:240:25:26

What was the key to their defence?

0:25:260:25:29

She wouldn't like to be in prison for ten years?

0:25:290:25:32

Because they're incredibly famous, the Australian authorities said,

0:25:320:25:35

if they made a video and they were very, very sorry,

0:25:350:25:38

then they would let them off the prison sentence.

0:25:380:25:40

I would quite like to have seen Johnny Depp apologise

0:25:400:25:43

for his version of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory as well, actually.

0:25:430:25:46

Well, let's have a look at the video.

0:25:470:25:48

Australia is a wonderful island

0:25:480:25:50

with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people.

0:25:500:25:54

It has to be protected.

0:25:540:25:56

Australia is free of many pests and diseases

0:25:560:25:59

that are commonplace around the world.

0:25:590:26:01

That is why Australia has to have such strong bio-security laws.

0:26:010:26:05

And Australians are just as unique. Both warm and direct.

0:26:050:26:10

If you disrespect Australian law, they will tell you firmly.

0:26:100:26:13

I'm truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared.

0:26:130:26:17

Protecting Australia is important.

0:26:170:26:20

Declare everything when you enter Australia.

0:26:200:26:22

Did you find that a sincere apology, Paul?

0:26:260:26:28

-Were you convinced?

-No.

0:26:280:26:29

I think he was drunk.

0:26:290:26:31

The internet was sceptical.

0:26:310:26:33

Twitter user Scott suggested it looked like

0:26:330:26:35

when you Skype your parents and...

0:26:350:26:38

LAUGHTER

0:26:400:26:44

APPLAUSE

0:26:440:26:46

How has the video gone down with Australians?

0:26:480:26:51

They sort of think that...

0:26:510:26:52

For some reason they think Johnny Depp

0:26:520:26:54

wasn't showing the requisite amount of enthusiasm.

0:26:540:26:56

Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, he said...

0:26:560:26:59

Staying with celebrities - you'll know this, Ian -

0:27:080:27:10

which famous pop star made an unlikely appearance

0:27:100:27:13

on the Isle of Skye last week?

0:27:130:27:15

That's right. It was Kanye West, of course.

0:27:180:27:20

I thought that WAS one of the islands.

0:27:200:27:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:220:27:26

Yes, you'd only know he was there

0:27:260:27:28

if you were a very eagle-eyed reader of the West Highland Free Press.

0:27:280:27:31

This appeared on page 16

0:27:310:27:33

next to a small story about a kayaker saving some sheep.

0:27:330:27:36

It said...

0:27:360:27:37

The story continued...

0:27:430:27:44

LAUGHTER

0:27:550:27:58

That's proper journalism.

0:27:580:28:00

Yes, this is the celebrity dog smuggling case.

0:28:020:28:05

After Johnny Depp's dogs got through customs,

0:28:050:28:07

Australia's Immigration Minister said...

0:28:070:28:09

Unlike Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.

0:28:110:28:13

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

0:28:140:28:18

-EDDIE:

-Oh.

-Paul and Eddie.

0:28:220:28:24

Oh, this is the Culture Secretary,

0:28:240:28:26

he went to a lap-dancing club to do some research

0:28:260:28:30

to find out how much of his lap would be danced in...

0:28:300:28:34

Whether he would be able to drink while the lap dancing was going on,

0:28:340:28:37

what the bar snacks were like... He thoroughly enjoyed it.

0:28:370:28:41

Er, the research.

0:28:410:28:42

And why do people think...

0:28:420:28:43

I mean, you know, a man can go to a strip club in his own time,

0:28:430:28:47

can't he? Why do people think this should have been declared?

0:28:470:28:49

Well, he went with two other MPs. It was like an office outing.

0:28:490:28:52

Were you there, Ian?

0:28:520:28:54

Yeah, I'm Culture Secretary.

0:28:540:28:57

Any fact-finding missions in lap dancing clubs you've...

0:29:010:29:04

Yep... Um, I've done three today.

0:29:040:29:07

Well, it was hosted by the Lap Dancing Association,

0:29:070:29:10

which was, coincidentally, lobbying at the time against legislation

0:29:100:29:14

that would have restricted the opening of lap dancing clubs.

0:29:140:29:17

Although, according to a source in The Times, "No record of the

0:29:170:29:20

"trip needed to be made because Whittingdale failed to reach the..."

0:29:200:29:24

-Oh, yes, he keeps claiming this.

-ROMESH:

-What is that?

0:29:250:29:29

Is that an angle of over 45 degrees or something?

0:29:290:29:32

It does seem to vary

0:29:340:29:35

and conflict of interest doesn't depend on the actual amount.

0:29:350:29:38

So, they were saying, you know,

0:29:380:29:40

there should be more lap dancing clubs in high streets,

0:29:400:29:42

lots of people thought there shouldn't be,

0:29:420:29:44

he went on a fact-finding tour, but it was paid for by lap dancing...

0:29:440:29:48

-So he got in for nothing!

-Yeah, no, it was all free.

0:29:480:29:50

Well, not only did he get in for nothing,

0:29:500:29:52

but while he was in there, apparently he...

0:29:520:29:55

..where he picked up about £30 in tips.

0:29:560:29:58

That means at the end of this round, Ian and Romesh have 3,

0:30:000:30:03

Paul and Eddie have 4.

0:30:030:30:06

-EDDIE:

-Oh, wow!

-APPLAUSE

0:30:060:30:08

Can I just say something?

0:30:130:30:14

Are you doing the secretary "glasses on and off" thing? Cos you keep...

0:30:140:30:18

-No, d'you know what it is?

-What?

0:30:180:30:20

It's cos I'm too short-sighted to read an autocue,

0:30:200:30:23

but I can't then see that...

0:30:230:30:26

D'you know, when I... No, actually, I'm not going to say that.

0:30:260:30:29

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

0:30:300:30:33

Sorry, I'm not the only one that's intrigued

0:30:330:30:35

-about what you were going to say.

-EDDIE:

-Yeah, I want to know now.

0:30:350:30:37

I think I explained this once before,

0:30:370:30:39

but when I didn't think the show was being recorded

0:30:390:30:41

and then they put it on the end, but it was...

0:30:410:30:43

When I bought my glasses, I said to the optician...

0:30:430:30:45

Cos I was nervous about getting glasses, they make me look...

0:30:450:30:48

I said, "I want the sort of glasses that a librarian would wear

0:30:480:30:51

"in a porn film."

0:30:510:30:53

And I said this to a sort of 57-year-old Bangladeshi optician,

0:30:540:30:58

he went, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

0:30:580:31:02

Yeah, he's probably never been to a library.

0:31:020:31:04

APPLAUSE

0:31:070:31:09

Well, he chose well.

0:31:090:31:11

It is definitely time for the Odd One Out Round.

0:31:160:31:19

Just one between you this week. Your four are...

0:31:190:31:22

Midsomer Murders, Captain Calamity,

0:31:220:31:24

Thriplow Daffodil Festival

0:31:240:31:26

and a VHS of the 1986 Snooker World Championship.

0:31:260:31:30

Captain Calamity was the one

0:31:300:31:31

-who kept being rescued by the coastguard?

-That's right, yes.

0:31:310:31:34

His bike proved to be useless at sea.

0:31:340:31:36

Yes, he had to be rescued nine times,

0:31:370:31:39

sailing from Norway to America.

0:31:390:31:41

They had to call out the coastguard

0:31:410:31:42

in Norway, Denmark,

0:31:420:31:44

Northern Ireland,

0:31:440:31:45

the Republic of Ireland, Scotland,

0:31:450:31:46

and Cornwall, which is where

0:31:460:31:47

they ended up in January,

0:31:470:31:48

about 3,000 miles

0:31:480:31:50

-short of the target.

-Blimey.

0:31:500:31:51

Sorry, did he arrive in Cornwall thinking he'd made it?

0:31:510:31:54

-He was expecting to see Indians.

-Yeah!

0:31:540:31:56

I mean, it was a bit of a calamity, wasn't it?

0:31:560:31:59

It was.

0:31:590:32:00

Were there no daffodils out in the daffodil festival?

0:32:000:32:03

Which I find is a problem.

0:32:030:32:05

I think the picture of the police, the top left-hand corner,

0:32:050:32:08

that is the odd one out.

0:32:080:32:09

No, it's not. Shall I tell you?

0:32:090:32:10

They've all failed to live up to their names

0:32:100:32:12

-apart from Captain Calamity...

-Who is a calamity.

0:32:120:32:14

-Who is a calamity.

-That's really thin.

-Yeah, that's...

0:32:140:32:17

-ROMESH:

-I mean...

0:32:170:32:19

Controversially, an episode of Midsomer Murders was screened

0:32:190:32:22

in which there were no murders.

0:32:220:32:24

-Oh.

-There is normally a murder.

0:32:240:32:26

I mean, the death rate there is higher than Kabul.

0:32:260:32:28

So why wasn't there a murder?

0:32:280:32:30

Well, it turned out the victim wasn't really dead -

0:32:300:32:32

not to spoil it for anyone who's going to watch it.

0:32:320:32:34

So what happened? Was he just taking a nap or something? Just for ages?

0:32:340:32:37

-Is anyone a fan of Midsomer Murders? ROMESH:

-Big fan.

0:32:370:32:39

When I'm at home, all I watch is either Midsomer Murders

0:32:390:32:42

or that Johnny Depp video.

0:32:420:32:44

That VHS of the 1986 World Snooker Championships

0:32:460:32:49

belonged to the 1986 champion...

0:32:490:32:52

-Dennis Taylor, was it?

-It was Joe Johnson.

-Joe Johnson.

0:32:520:32:55

But he told the Guardian...

0:32:550:32:57

-The Joe Johnson story I find quite poignant.

-Yes.

0:33:110:33:14

Cos he was an amateur who hadn't even

0:33:140:33:16

been expected to qualify for that 1986 tournament.

0:33:160:33:18

He gave this assessment of his chances at the time. He said...

0:33:180:33:21

LAUGHTER

0:33:370:33:39

And then he won, but they'd wiped the video.

0:33:410:33:44

What did he do to his children? Did he kill them?

0:33:440:33:47

Cos that would be fair.

0:33:470:33:49

Let me show you a useless box.

0:33:490:33:51

How does this, which is called the Useless Box,

0:33:510:33:54

definitely live up to its name?

0:33:540:33:56

-Oh, I know this.

-Mm-hm.

0:33:560:33:58

This is a box that when you switch it on,

0:33:580:34:01

I think something comes out of that door and switches it off.

0:34:010:34:05

-Shall we have a look?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:34:060:34:08

LAUGHTER

0:34:120:34:15

-ROMESH:

-Well, that's great, isn't it?

0:34:150:34:17

I like that, I think that's really good. I...

0:34:230:34:26

They could adapt that for the nuclear button, couldn't they?

0:34:260:34:29

Is this known as the "Prince Andrew box" in royal circles?

0:34:290:34:33

At the Thriplow Daffodil Festival, there were no daffodils.

0:34:390:34:42

-Right.

-Because of the warm winter,

0:34:420:34:44

all the daffodils have bloomed early. Now they're dead.

0:34:440:34:46

What happens at the festival when there ARE daffodils?

0:34:460:34:49

-Do you just go and look at them?

-Yeah, just look at them.

0:34:490:34:51

Isn't it a massive blessing they weren't there?

0:34:510:34:54

It sounds dreadful.

0:34:540:34:56

-It's not just daffodils.

-You're so miserable!

-But it's...

0:34:560:34:59

It's a daffodil festival. What do you expect - tulips?

0:34:590:35:02

There are many different sorts of daffodil.

0:35:020:35:05

-Are there? Really?

-Of course there are.

0:35:050:35:07

Oh, I didn't know that.

0:35:070:35:08

-Different shades, different colours.

-Now you've piqued my interest.

0:35:080:35:11

We don't believe you without your glasses on.

0:35:110:35:14

This is... Let me tell you...

0:35:140:35:16

The Narcissus family is large.

0:35:160:35:18

Besides, what do you do that's so exciting?

0:35:200:35:23

-What do I do?

-Yeah.

0:35:230:35:25

Eh, I went to an asparagus festival.

0:35:250:35:28

Yes, all of these things have failed to live up to their names,

0:35:290:35:33

apart from Steve Shapiro, aka Captain Calamity,

0:35:330:35:37

who has given up sailing.

0:35:370:35:38

After being rescued nine times in a disastrous Atlantic crossing...

0:35:380:35:41

Hopefully one that stretches all the way from Cornwall to America.

0:35:440:35:47

Midsomer Murders is filmed in Oxfordshire,

0:35:470:35:49

where no real crimes are committed,

0:35:490:35:51

as we all remember from the Rebekah Brooks case.

0:35:510:35:53

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:35:560:35:57

which this week features as its guest publication,

0:35:570:36:00

the Cucumber Growers' Association's e-cucumber newsletter.

0:36:000:36:03

It's a fairly tasteless publication.

0:36:030:36:05

And we start with...

0:36:070:36:08

Check out the wait in A&E.

0:36:120:36:14

APPLAUSE

0:36:170:36:20

-Yes!

-This is from the e-cucumber newsletter

0:36:240:36:27

about a range of new recipes...

0:36:270:36:28

Are they actually e-cucumbers?

0:36:280:36:31

It was because it's on the internet.

0:36:310:36:33

Yeah, but they're not, they're real.

0:36:330:36:35

No, it's "E"... "E"... Cucumber Growers' Association's news...

0:36:350:36:38

"Eee, we're from Yorkshire. Eee, cucumbers.

0:36:380:36:40

-"Ah, ye can't go wrong..."

-ROMESH:

-No, but it should be...

0:36:400:36:42

"I used to come home on a Saturday night,

0:36:420:36:44

"the sheep dog'd be lying there

0:36:440:36:46

"with a bit of yoghurt round his mouth, bless him.

0:36:460:36:48

"What he needs is a cucumber."

0:36:480:36:50

This is from the e-cucumber newsletter

0:36:500:36:52

about a range of new recipes

0:36:520:36:53

-designed to increase cucumber consumption.

-Yes.

0:36:530:36:55

E-cucumber newsletter suggests recipes such as...

0:36:550:36:58

Although if you're making this at home and you don't have any cucumber

0:37:000:37:03

to hand, you can always just use nothing instead.

0:37:030:37:05

Next...

0:37:070:37:08

Donald Trump.

0:37:110:37:13

Piers Morgan.

0:37:130:37:14

-ROMESH:

-Skydiving.

0:37:140:37:16

No.

0:37:160:37:17

Yes, an American man...

0:37:220:37:23

Is there a special button on the computer you should never press?

0:37:230:37:26

An American man took sleeping pills and awoke the next day

0:37:270:37:30

to find he'd been shopping at an online company called...

0:37:300:37:32

The unnamed man cancelled the order for over 3,000, explaining...

0:37:340:37:39

We should stop using that name.

0:37:440:37:46

Jerry Hall is googling it and looking for wedding venues.

0:37:460:37:49

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:37:490:37:51

Next...

0:37:510:37:53

-ROMESH:

-Huge duck army absolutely massacres tiny duck army.

0:37:550:37:59

Faces massive BILL.

0:38:020:38:04

APPLAUSE

0:38:070:38:09

This is a vineyard in South Africa

0:38:140:38:15

that uses an army of 800 ducks to control pests. Next...

0:38:150:38:19

Does not bother woman with 19-foot corridor.

0:38:220:38:24

The Cucumber Growers' Association...

0:38:320:38:34

-ROMESH:

-That must be...

0:38:340:38:36

-That must be the finale for the daffodil festival.

-Yeah.

0:38:360:38:39

-Here it is. EDDIE:

-Is that real?

0:38:390:38:42

It looks a bit like a dirigible.

0:38:420:38:44

It's got a handle in the middle of it, look.

0:38:440:38:46

It's as if they're going to pick it up there and...

0:38:460:38:49

-ROMESH:

-Break down the doors of a massive salad.

0:38:490:38:51

Next...

0:38:540:38:55

As seagulls target pates.

0:38:570:39:00

-Good enough.

-What?!

-Yes.

0:39:000:39:03

LAUGHTER

0:39:030:39:05

It is a bird one. This is about an owl terrorising people in Devon.

0:39:080:39:11

One bald victim of the so-called Terror Owl

0:39:110:39:14

was Richard Clevedon Smith,

0:39:140:39:16

who reluctantly agreed to recreate the incident for the local paper.

0:39:160:39:19

I see that in the photograph behind him,

0:39:220:39:24

the local Beatles tribute band are...

0:39:240:39:26

LAUGHTER

0:39:260:39:28

..restaging the cover to Abbey Road.

0:39:280:39:30

APPLAUSE

0:39:300:39:33

Finally...

0:39:330:39:34

Whenever Roger Beard puts on his cucumber suit,

0:39:370:39:39

Roger Cucumber puts on his beard suit.

0:39:390:39:41

LAUGHTER

0:39:410:39:44

In fact...

0:39:440:39:45

ROMESH CONTINUES LAUGHING

0:39:450:39:48

Have you got a picture of the two of them standing next to each other?

0:39:480:39:51

Well, actually, that's a rather moot point,

0:39:510:39:53

because the answer is...

0:39:530:39:55

Now, yes, here is Roger in his suit.

0:39:590:40:01

What a ridiculous outfit...

0:40:030:40:05

the Cucumber Growers' Association is.

0:40:050:40:07

So the final scores are...

0:40:080:40:11

Ian and Romesh have 4,

0:40:110:40:13

Paul and Eddie have 6.

0:40:130:40:15

APPLAUSE

0:40:150:40:18

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:220:40:26

"Here, mate, want to buy an invisible kestrel?"

0:40:260:40:28

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:40:330:40:36

Ian Hislop and Romesh Ranganathan, Paul Merton and Eddie Izzard.

0:40:360:40:39

I leave you with news

0:40:390:40:40

that at the Institute of Chartered Accountants' spring ball,

0:40:400:40:43

they come to the conclusion that they're just not conga people.

0:40:430:40:46

In Missouri, on hearing the words, "I could still be president",

0:40:500:40:53

a child suffers an instant reaction.

0:40:530:40:56

And on a walkabout in an amusement park,

0:40:590:41:01

David Cameron mistakenly believes a member of the public

0:41:010:41:04

is asking him to buy two ice creams.

0:41:040:41:06

Goodnight.

0:41:110:41:12

APPLAUSE

0:41:120:41:15

Did you really do two in a day?

0:41:470:41:49

It's not that hard, it's just quite hard.

0:41:490:41:52

-ROMESH:

-Yeah, I was thinking about doing 28.

0:41:520:41:54

-EDDIE:

-Yeah... No, do it, do it. Go for it.

0:41:540:41:57

I'll come on the last one

0:41:570:41:59

and I'll shoot you in the leg.

0:41:590:42:01

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