Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 4

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,

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as footage emerges from the recent royal tour,

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it appears Nicholas Witchell picked the wrong moment

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to bend over and tie his shoelaces.

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In his last year in office, there are suspicions that Barack Obama

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is frittering away Secret Service resources

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as extra protection is laid on for Tiddles, the White House cat.

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And after a long day's recording, there's a sense of deja vu

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for the producers of Top Gear

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as they fail to provide Chris Evans with a steak.

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No wonder he's angry! He's got pixelated organs.

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On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian

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whose Twitter biography refers to her as a "Northern powerhouse",

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presumably because George Osborne has no idea where she is

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and has never given her any money.

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Please welcome Diane Morgan!

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a business consultant and host of Countdown

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who once described me as his celebrity crush.

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Only if I sat on you, mate.

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Please welcome Nick Hewer.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Paul and Nick, take a look at this.

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Ah, yes, the collapse of British Home Stores,

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a very famous name on the high street.

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That's their funeral collection there.

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Er, baboon, er, he's the new chairman, he's come in.

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That's Sir Philip Green and money rushing in.

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So, yes, there's a bit of controversy about BHS

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-and Sir Philip Green.

-It's a hell of a story.

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It's a bonfire of the vanities, an extraordinary, terrible story.

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Erm...he's not a spiv.

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-He's not a spiv?

-He's not a spiv. I know he's not a spiv.

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My lawyer said he's not a spiv.

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And you'll remember, he's had his run-ins in the City before.

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I don't know why you're planting this on me!

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-Because...

-If you want to suggest Sir Philip Greed...Green...

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-LAUGHTER

-Sorry.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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If you want to suggest there's something fishy

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about his whole financial thing, well, you say it, not me!

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-I'm not saying he should be put inside.

-Your boys on Private Eye

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will be all over it like a cheap suit.

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Although perhaps not one from BHS.

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Let's just do figures quickly, shall we?

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He bought it for 200 million. Fair play to him,

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it made a profit of around 500 million in less than a decade.

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But he also took out around 580 million in dividends

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and various deals for himself and his family.

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Which is quite a lot to give yourself in a tax haven.

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Again, I'm not saying that's odd.

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I've shoplifted in BHS, but it was never that much.

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The flipside of taking all this money out

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is that the reason it's gone bankrupt

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is there's a £570 million pension fund.

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And someone's got to pay the pensions to these employees.

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Now, you'd think that might be

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someone who'd taken 400 million out himself, but no.

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It's another body, called the Pension Protection Fund,

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-which is backed by, ooh, the taxpayer.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Oh!

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Oh, you're happy now, aren't you?

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I think BHS shutting down

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is a bit like when someone tells you that someone's died

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but you thought they'd died earlier anyway.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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See, like, Woolworths, when that went bust,

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you know, people were genuinely sad

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because they didn't know where to get their pic'n'mix.

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That was a big issue for me!

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In all seriousness, my concern is that this little episode

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damages the whole idea of entrepreneurship.

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Because entrepreneurs are meant to create money.

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Spread it around. This is all apparently rocketing

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-to the South of France into Monte Carlo.

-Are you suggesting

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this is more like asset stripping?

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-No...

-I wouldn't use that phrase.

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And what about the stuff in it? Is that good?

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I don't go to BHS.

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One thing that's weird about Philip Green -

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well, I find it weird - is that

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celebrities find him irresistible, don't they?

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How much did he spend on his birthday party?

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Something like £5 million.

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And everyone was there,

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but they were there cos they'd been paid.

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Which the rest of us would consider, yes, tragic.

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I got away with 200 quid for mine.

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Erm, well, let's have a look at him with some beautiful people.

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Here's a beautiful person - Liz Hurley, of course.

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Here's another beautiful person.

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Yeah, Rita Ora. And another beautiful person...

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Yeah.

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And listen, here's Sir Philip Green with another beauty.

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Aww.

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But you are a long way away.

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-Where did you find that?!

-It's in my personal collection.

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It's a specialist website.

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Does anyone know what the boss of M&S said about him

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-after his failed takeover of M&S in 2004?

-Was that Stuart Rose?

-Mmm.

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They came to blows, almost, outside the Dorchester, you know?

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-During that...

-How posh of them!

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Not outside Kentucky Fried Chicken.

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He said...

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Right...

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And what's going to happen next?

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Does the parliamentary committee have the power to coerce him

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to come before them and answer questions? And apparently,

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the answer is yes. They're also talking about bringing

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Lady Christina! After all, she owns it.

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Yes. No, Frank Field seems to think that he will be

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summoned to the Commons Work & Pensions Committee...

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Let's have a look at him telling us about that.

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It's inconceivable that we wouldn't actually invite...

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Sir Philip Green to come.

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Um...he's called us a load of effing arseholes...

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I mean, that's the height of arrogance, isn't it, really?

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This is the demise of BHS and Sir Philip Green's battle

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to hold on to his title. Philip Green likes to surround himself

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with celebrities like Kate Moss, although it's less well known

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that Sir Philip has done a bit of modelling himself.

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And here's what he was modelling for.

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APPLAUSE

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In 2010, David Cameron personally appointed Sir Philip Green

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as the...

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Ah, 2010, the same year David Cameron personally appointed

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George Michael the Driving Safety Tsar.

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And Nick Clegg the Deputy Prime Minister.

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Commenting on Sir Philip Green's handling of the BHS pension fund,

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Alastair Campbell said it had...

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Well, Sir Philip, you've got a yacht, you know what to do.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, Ian and Diane, take a look at this.

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The Presidential visit.

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Ugh, that's the propaganda.

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Good grief, that's a selfie!

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And that's Flaky!

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We had a visit by an American president,

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which was incredibly exciting.

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Um...

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It was!

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He played golf, which is...

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important on a state visit.

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And he ate two enormous meals with the royal family.

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And he advised us to stay in the EU.

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No, it was a threat!

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He said, "Unless you stay in the EU, you're going to the

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"back of the queue," which is a mistake with British people,

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cos we think, "Great, queue!

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"I'll go back again and queue up!

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"This is good."

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Are these EU/US trade deals as exciting as they sound?

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I'm gripped!

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I can barely sleep at night, going over the details.

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One being negotiated at the moment is...

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They're called the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership.

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Obama said, "If you don't stay in the EU,

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"you don't get this brilliant deal," which is a terrible deal

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which half of Europe is trying to throw out.

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It's basically a deal that allows

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corporate America to do what it likes.

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Having a go at Obama is very popular(!)

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What did the Brexit camp make of his intervention

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in support of staying in the EU? Were they pleased?

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-No, they were jolly cross.

-They were jolly cross.

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Because all they've got is Marine Le Pen.

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What did Jeremy Corbyn discuss with Obama during the 30 sparse

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minutes that he got to spend with him? Do you know?

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I think it was global capitalism and the effect on the labour market.

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That's not far off, because

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the subject of their half-hour discussion was...

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What, and Cameron had a round of golf?

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Well, I think by the time Corbyn had actually said that,

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his time was up.

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Yes, a round of golf. That was next on his agenda.

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This took place just outside Watford.

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The President's retinue blended into its surroundings.

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Here's the usual convoy of Secret Service personnel. There they are.

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And here they are in golf-course mode.

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Now, David Cameron and President Obama exchanged gifts.

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This is what Obama gave Cameron.

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A custom-made Shinola men's watch engraved with the presidential seal.

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A bison-leather duffel bag monogrammed with

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the Prime Minister's initials.

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Three cans of US Open tennis balls.

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And a pair of sports towels

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personalised with the UK/US friendship flags.

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Whatever they are.

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Sports towels?

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It's an unsubtle message, isn't it? It's "get exercising, fatty".

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This is what David Cameron gave him.

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A volume of the complete works of Shakespeare.

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Oh. That's it.

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The only thing I was interested in was, you know...

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Boris mentioned this bust of Churchill...

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-Oh, that's right.

-..that Obama had that apparently he claimed

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-he'd had removed from his office.

-Yeah.

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But I'd be interested in having that if he's not put it back.

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Cos I've got a Martin Luther King snow globe I could swap.

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Do you know how Churchill's grandson, Nicholas Soames, reacted?

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-Do you know what he said?

-He exploded.

-He was angry.

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He thought Boris was out of order to take issue with its removal,

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saying...

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-"Bogged it."

-"Bogged it." Has anyone here ever bogged it?

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Well, let's take a little detour. How did Ken Livingstone

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bog it this week?

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If I'm using it in the right context.

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He came out in defence of someone that the party have now suspended.

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Naz Shah, who's an MP, yeah.

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Naz Shah, who made some rather unfortunate

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anti-Semitic posts. But as she said, it was way back in 2014.

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Which is, you know, a world away. It's like 1932, isn't it?

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The suggestion was that he said, apparently,

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that in 1932 Hitler was saying that he actually was a Zionist.

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He thought it was a jolly good idea that he wanted to ship

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all the Jews in Germany...to Israel.

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But when you're making a speech saying that somebody else

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isn't an anti-Semite, it's best to keep the words

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"Hitler" and "Jews"...

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away from each other, on the whole.

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How did Ken Livingstone avoid journalists

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after news of his suspension broke?

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Put on a pair of dungarees and went home.

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No, he actually did bog it,

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because he took cover in a disabled toilet...

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which I'm assuming is the meaning of "bogging it".

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I don't know. There he is...

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nipping into one.

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And he was in there for 20 minutes while journalists shouted

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questions about Hitler at him.

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I watched him being chased up the stairs by Mr Mann

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and being given a thumping, and he kept smiling.

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But it is something when you've got two Labour figures just

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screaming at each other. That footage is brilliant.

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Disgusting racist! Rewriting history! You're a disgusting racist!

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-Are you saying it's not true?

-Yes, you're a lying racist!

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Really? Why don't you go and check the history?

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A Nazi apologist! A Nazi apologist!

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You're a disgusting Nazi apologist, Livingstone!

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Wow!

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It's a happy party(!)

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-He's got terribly long legs, you know.

-Who? Ken Livingstone?

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I met him once. I met him.

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I said to him, "You've got disproportionally long legs."

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It's a true story. And he said, "I know."

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He probably thought,

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"This is the weirdest chat-up line I've ever had."

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-"Disproportionately long legs."

-Look at him next time.

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-Very long legs.

-DIANE:

-That's true. I met him.

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He does have long legs. Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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-Was that it?

-Was that what?

-All you thought?

-No.

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He gave me a mince pie.

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Well, if we can just go back to the subject of Brexit for a bit,

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Nick, how well do you think the two campaigns are doing?

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Cos you're a bit of a PR expert, aren't you?

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I think that it's a very close thing, but I think there's always

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room for an event, isn't there, quite near the end?

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Quite near polling day,

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something might suddenly jump out of the salad and surprise us all.

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Do you mean an event as in something happening that...?

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Do you remember Macmillan? "Events, dear boy, events."

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Something could happen.

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Yeah, but he didn't have the salad metaphor, which is brilliant.

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I'm thinking an enormous cockroach.

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I'm thinking about Billy Connolly.

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Do you know that story?

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He used to go to parties and put his penis on a plate

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and put salad over it and then walk round and people would...

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And he would pick a bit off and...

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-Who told you this?!

-Maybe I dreamt that.

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I read it somewhere.

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Where did you read this? Made-Up Stories For Incredulous People?

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-I think I read it in The Lady.

-Ah, yes.

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I might be wrong.

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Well, they've got their finger on the pulse, certainly.

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Anyway, if I'm in prison next week, it's because he's put me there.

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OK, right, now, writing in The Times, Michael Gove said that

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if we didn't have to give 350 million a week to the EU,

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we'd have more money to spend on the NHS.

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What current problem could that solve?

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The other side just said, well, then, we wouldn't have all these

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immigrants coming in, filling all the jobs at the NHS.

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No, this is about the junior doctors who've been on strike again

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over their new contract as Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt says

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he wants to see a seven-day NHS.

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One striking doctor held up a placard which said...

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As an extra precaution, if anyone had to suddenly go

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into hospital, what could they take with them if they wanted to?

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-A relative.

-Well, they could,

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but they could also take a Freezone Card.

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Have a look at this. This is a Hunt Freezone, and it says...

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APPLAUSE

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This is Barack Obama's visit to the UK.

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David Cameron and Barack Obama enjoyed a round of golf together,

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though even the presidential golf buggy had to be followed

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by a motorcade of Secret Service men.

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Still, they were on a golf course -

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that's an awful lot of grassy knolls.

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This week saw the latest round of strikes by junior doctors

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with doctors on the picket line shouting, "Scab! Scab! Scab!"

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and patients responding, "I know.

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"If I come back tomorrow, will you look at it?"

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Meanwhile, Ken Livingstone has been suspended from the Labour Party

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for attempting to defend Naz Shah's anti-Semitic comments.

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Livingstone said...

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I'm not sure whether that was Hitler or Ken.

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Teams, now, here's another one.

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Yes, this is the extraordinary story of Hillsborough.

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Kelvin MacKenzie, the editor of the Sun.

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Basically, people were demonised.

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Football fans in the 1980s were seen as hooligans, drunk the whole time.

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There had been lots of pitch invasions, so therefore

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you had these fences put up. Ken Bates, the Chelsea chairman,

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wanted to put up electrified fences, I remember...

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So this was how people viewed football fans.

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The truth of the matter is that amongst these 96 people were

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working-class people, middle-class people, people from Liverpool,

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people outside of Liverpool.

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And it took 27 years to come out.

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Which sort of makes Chilcot look fast.

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This is the news that the Hillsborough families had

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succeeded in their 27-year campaign. It was celebrated on the front

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pages of the national press...

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The Guardian, the Mirror...

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The Star...

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The i...

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The Telegraph...

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And the Sun...

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Absolutely no sign of Hillsborough there.

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-At all.

-The fact that the Murdoch papers didn't run it because of

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their embarrassment about having run headlines that said

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"The Truth..." And then they got it all wrong and they just fed

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exactly what the police said to them.

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And then they stuck to that line for years.

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I mean, there was extraordinary collaboration to make sure

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-there was one story put out.

-After the tragedy, 164 police statements

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submitted to the Justice Taylor report were altered,

0:19:480:19:51

and most of the alterations were to remove criticism

0:19:510:19:54

of the police operation and senior officers' lack of leadership.

0:19:540:19:58

If you want to learn more about the findings

0:19:580:20:00

of the Hillsborough inquest,

0:20:000:20:02

you can read in-depth analysis on the BBC website,

0:20:020:20:05

and if you want to know less, then read the Sun.

0:20:050:20:07

APPLAUSE

0:20:090:20:11

And so to round two, The One-Armed Bandit of News.

0:20:150:20:18

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:20:180:20:21

Bloop!

0:20:210:20:22

BUZZER

0:20:260:20:28

This is the astronaut in space - Tim Peake, is it?

0:20:280:20:30

And 26 miles, he ran round the... On a little sort of space thing there.

0:20:300:20:34

-Do you mean a treadmill?

-Treadmill. Actually, if he stands still,

0:20:340:20:38

he does more than 26 miles, cos he's orbiting the earth, so he's...

0:20:380:20:41

Yeah, he ran the marathon cos the cameras were on him

0:20:410:20:45

and he ran and ran and ran and everybody was very happy at the end.

0:20:450:20:48

-That's nothing compared to you, is it? A marathon?

-No.

0:20:480:20:52

-You did how many?

-135 miles.

-Yeah, just like that.

-In an hour.

0:20:520:20:56

In an hour?!

0:20:560:20:58

That's fantastic!

0:20:580:20:59

Oh, all right...

0:20:590:21:01

Were you parachuting out of a plane?

0:21:010:21:03

-Seven days.

-Seven days.

-Yes.

0:21:050:21:08

-You had sticks.

-I had sticks?

0:21:080:21:11

-I saw you with the sticks.

-Oh, yeah, I know, but...

0:21:110:21:14

-Were they helpful?

-They are quite helpful,

0:21:140:21:17

but I didn't really use them

0:21:170:21:18

very much because they make you look like a twat.

0:21:180:21:21

No, they really do.

0:21:240:21:26

People are thinking, "Is she skiing? There's no snow, what is she doing?"

0:21:260:21:31

It does look like...

0:21:310:21:32

You might have been approaching a giant Chinese meal.

0:21:320:21:35

Actually, Tim Peake, he broke a world record

0:21:350:21:38

-for running a marathon in space.

-Was he dressed up?

0:21:380:21:41

-Tim Peake?

-It seems like he's showing off, really, you know.

0:21:440:21:48

He's already in space, why run a marathon?

0:21:480:21:50

Yeah, you're right.

0:21:500:21:53

How do you even run a marathon in zero gravity?

0:21:530:21:56

-He was strapped down so he didn't float away.

-OK.

0:21:560:22:00

You mustn't leave the window open.

0:22:000:22:02

That's right. They strapped me to the treadmill,

0:22:060:22:09

but that's cos I kept trying to get away!

0:22:090:22:12

Let's have a look at Tim on his machine. Here we go.

0:22:120:22:14

That is clever.

0:22:160:22:17

-NICK:

-He's got chains, look at that.

0:22:170:22:19

He's not THAT happy, is he?

0:22:190:22:22

Is it just me or is he upside down?

0:22:220:22:24

Back down here on earth,

0:22:240:22:26

who slightly undermined Tim's incredible achievement?

0:22:260:22:30

All those other people in the marathon.

0:22:300:22:32

Yeah, well, there was one man called Martin Hewlett, who set the

0:22:320:22:35

Guinness World Record for the fastest earth marathon

0:22:350:22:38

dressed as an astronaut.

0:22:380:22:41

Running in a costume that can be dangerously dehydrating,

0:22:410:22:44

here he is before the race.

0:22:440:22:47

That's him in the middle.

0:22:470:22:49

Here he is after finishing.

0:22:490:22:51

Although, I think, in terms of suffering,

0:22:540:22:57

I'm not sure anyone beats this guy.

0:22:570:23:00

I know what you're thinking, but don't worry -

0:23:020:23:05

a bloke dressed as Simon of Cyrene came and took it off him soon after.

0:23:050:23:09

Have I got my Bible facts right there, Ian?

0:23:090:23:12

-Terrific.

-Great to hear a Simon of Cyrene joke.

0:23:120:23:15

There've been very few for about 2,000 years!

0:23:150:23:19

Simon of Cyrene walks into a pub and says...

0:23:190:23:23

"I'll take your pint off you."

0:23:240:23:27

At the last supper, they're all sitting round

0:23:270:23:29

and Jesus turns to the disciples and he says,

0:23:290:23:32

"I'm afraid that one of you, by this time tomorrow morning,

0:23:320:23:36

"will have betrayed me."

0:23:360:23:38

And Peter says, "Is it I, Jesus?" He says, "No, it is not you, Peter,

0:23:380:23:41

"you are one of the most faithful of all my apostles."

0:23:410:23:43

And James said, "Is it I, Jesus, is it I, James?"

0:23:430:23:46

"No, James, you are very faithful. And Judas says, "Is it I, Jesus?"

0:23:460:23:50

-And Jesus said...

-MOCKING TONE:

-"Is it I, Jesus?"

0:23:500:23:52

True story.

0:23:570:23:59

Deuteronomy 26: 34, 85.

0:23:590:24:02

Or whatever bus routes go near there.

0:24:020:24:04

There were quite a few other novelty marathon records set in London.

0:24:060:24:10

-Can you name any of them?

-Yes, Mirror Man.

0:24:100:24:13

-Not Mirror Man?

-No.

-No.

0:24:130:24:15

Cabbage Boy!

0:24:160:24:18

Brought up by rogue cauliflower in the jungle.

0:24:180:24:21

No, no.

0:24:210:24:22

-Well, they're the only two I saw.

-There was a dinosaur, wasn't there?

0:24:220:24:26

There was a dinosaur, but, actually, record-setters -

0:24:260:24:29

there was the fastest marathon by someone dressed as an elf,

0:24:290:24:32

fastest marathon by someone wearing chainmail and...

0:24:320:24:37

The six-foot hot dog crossed the line in three hours, 57 minutes,

0:24:400:24:44

closely followed by me.

0:24:440:24:46

-Has anyone here ever run the marathon?

-No.

0:24:500:24:53

Oh, I'm not speaking for everyone.

0:24:530:24:55

There's several people up there, look, there we are.

0:24:550:24:57

Oh, look at that, that's quite a lot.

0:24:570:24:59

Look, you're all on that side, so obviously you are more energetic

0:24:590:25:02

cos you walked a bit further to your seats, maybe.

0:25:020:25:06

Congratulations, well done. Has anyone ever...?

0:25:060:25:08

No-one's been to space in here, have they?

0:25:080:25:12

Has anyone?

0:25:120:25:14

No, didn't think so.

0:25:140:25:15

Sarah Brightman's pulled out, hasn't she, of space?

0:25:170:25:19

-DIANE:

-Oh, yeah! Mm.

0:25:190:25:21

-Was this on the Richard Branson trip?

-Yeah.

0:25:210:25:24

-Cos that's always a bit delayed, isn't it?

-She paid a fortune!

0:25:240:25:27

Well, it was 200 grand, I think it was, wasn't it?

0:25:270:25:29

She was going to sing up there, as well, wasn't she?

0:25:290:25:31

I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper, was it?

0:25:310:25:34

A MAN LAUGHS LOUDLY

0:25:340:25:36

Thank you! There's Andrew Lloyd Webber.

0:25:360:25:38

I once met Andrew Lloyd Webber at a city airport and I went,

0:25:390:25:43

"Good afternoon, Mr Lloyd Webber," and he went, "Mmmmph."

0:25:430:25:47

Like that, as if he really hated me.

0:25:480:25:50

Which he probably does, actually, but there we go.

0:25:500:25:52

If you look very closely at Andrew Lloyd Webber,

0:25:520:25:55

you see Princess Margaret.

0:25:550:25:59

Is she inside him?

0:26:040:26:05

-She is there.

-That's grotesque!

0:26:050:26:07

-No, he is Princess Margaret.

-Is he?

0:26:070:26:10

-Look, you study it and tell me I'm wrong.

-Oh, I am having a look now.

0:26:100:26:13

Well, let's have a look.

0:26:130:26:14

Isn't that right?

0:26:200:26:22

There's a certain something.

0:26:220:26:24

Right, why did this lady, Betty Barker,

0:26:240:26:27

think Tim Peake was drunk last Christmas Eve?

0:26:270:26:30

She works in his local pub?

0:26:300:26:32

He came in, he said, "I'm going into space next year."

0:26:340:26:38

He called her from the Space Station by mistake

0:26:380:26:41

after getting the wrong number on his space phone

0:26:410:26:43

when he was trying to call home.

0:26:430:26:44

Oh. She was lucky there was a photographer there

0:26:440:26:47

to capture the moment.

0:26:470:26:48

APPLAUSE

0:26:510:26:54

Well, Betty Barker thought he was a drunken reveller

0:26:540:26:57

looking for a good time.

0:26:570:26:59

She's optimistic, old Betty, isn't she?

0:27:010:27:03

And she said...

0:27:030:27:06

And she said...

0:27:130:27:15

-That was quite picky.

-It is a bit.

0:27:210:27:23

Extraterrestrials may have been trying to contact us for decades...

0:27:230:27:27

..but they speak to the wrong people.

0:27:290:27:30

Betty Barker fucked it up.

0:27:300:27:32

Anyway...

0:27:320:27:33

Finally, shall we see how Tim Peake is inspiring a nation of youngsters

0:27:330:27:37

-to reach for the stars?

-Absolutely.

0:27:370:27:39

Here we go.

0:27:390:27:40

-You look like an astronaut - are you going to be an astronaut?

-No.

0:27:400:27:43

According to his CV, Tim Peake is not only an astronaut, he is...

0:27:500:27:54

He also has realistic hair and gripping hands.

0:27:580:28:01

Which means, at the end of this round,

0:28:020:28:05

Paul and Nick have four and Ian and Diane have three.

0:28:050:28:09

APPLAUSE

0:28:090:28:11

OK. Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round.

0:28:150:28:19

Paul and Nick, your four are a spelling test for schoolchildren,

0:28:190:28:24

Bernie Clifton's new album,

0:28:240:28:26

the Sinner's Bible

0:28:260:28:27

and the village of Mela Thiruvenkatanathapuram in India.

0:28:270:28:31

-That's a...

-APPLAUSE

0:28:310:28:34

-Very good.

-Thank you.

0:28:340:28:37

Is that the place that's got a railway station

0:28:370:28:39

where they say, "We're here."

0:28:390:28:40

Erm... So, spelling tests.

0:28:400:28:43

Wasn't there something the other week

0:28:430:28:44

about there were some kids had been given a spelling test

0:28:440:28:47

they'd already seen?

0:28:470:28:48

The real test happened to be exactly the same - is that the story?

0:28:480:28:51

-Yes.

-That's that. OK. So the Sinner's Bible...

0:28:510:28:53

That was an early Bible, where it had a misprint in it.

0:28:530:28:57

-Ah, yes.

-And in the Ten Commandments,

0:28:570:28:59

instead of saying "thou shalt...not kill", they'd left the "not" out.

0:28:590:29:03

Was it kill, or adultery?

0:29:030:29:05

-That was adultery.

-It was adultery. That's why people got excited,

0:29:050:29:09

because...

0:29:090:29:10

It said "thou shalt commit".

0:29:100:29:12

Did you say Bernie Clifton's got a new album out?

0:29:130:29:15

-Yes, he has.

-And what's interesting?

0:29:150:29:18

They printed the songs of a death-metal band

0:29:180:29:20

instead of his own titles.

0:29:200:29:23

There must be a spelling mistake in the name of that town, then.

0:29:240:29:26

-I think I've got it.

-Test for the children, because it's been changed.

0:29:260:29:30

-That's the odd one out.

-That is the right answer.

0:29:300:29:33

In all the other three cases...

0:29:330:29:35

-There have been...

-A misprint, a mistake.

0:29:350:29:38

-Yes, that's right. Absolutely.

-Whereas, with this town,

0:29:380:29:40

-they've got it completely right.

-No, no.

0:29:400:29:42

-I said that Paul had got it right.

-What you asking him for?

0:29:420:29:46

-You might as well ask the cat.

-I said before he'd got it right.

0:29:460:29:50

But between you you've got it, so one point each.

0:29:500:29:52

They've all featured misprints,

0:29:520:29:54

except the spelling test for UK seven-year-olds,

0:29:540:29:58

which appeared online correctly before the exam took place.

0:29:580:30:00

-NICK:

-Ah.

0:30:000:30:02

-Do you know how the error was discovered?

-Somebody spotted it.

0:30:020:30:05

Correct. A primary school teacher noticed that...

0:30:060:30:09

One would hope that at least one of them would.

0:30:150:30:19

Where do they get this knowledge from?

0:30:190:30:22

Who else had an embarrassing week with writing and all that?

0:30:240:30:28

Shakespeare.

0:30:280:30:29

Well, it could have been, but it wasn't, no, it was someone that...

0:30:290:30:32

-Was it Nicky Morgan?

-Yes, it was Nicky Morgan. Do you know why?

0:30:320:30:36

-She managed to spell something wrong on a letter.

-That's right.

0:30:360:30:39

She wrote a letter justifying education proposals

0:30:390:30:43

and signed it off like this...

0:30:430:30:45

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:30:460:30:49

Sounds like a Mary Poppins track.

0:30:500:30:52

# Yours sincerily... #

0:30:520:30:54

But why is that particularly embarrassing for Nicky Morgan?

0:30:560:30:59

And not just cos she's Education Secretary.

0:30:590:31:01

Cos she's always said that all schools should be academies.

0:31:010:31:04

No, it's because sincerely is on the government's own list of words

0:31:040:31:08

that ten-year-olds should be able to spell.

0:31:080:31:10

And we've already mentioned the mix-up

0:31:120:31:15

at the launch of veteran entertainer Bernie Clifton's new album.

0:31:150:31:18

Can you explain why he's on an ostrich?

0:31:180:31:20

That was his act. Those aren't his legs.

0:31:200:31:23

No, don't give it away!

0:31:230:31:25

The magic is spilling out.

0:31:270:31:29

You're making me feel stupid now.

0:31:290:31:32

Bernie's album's been misprinted with a track listing, as you said,

0:31:320:31:36

of the new album belonging to

0:31:360:31:38

death-metal band Abhorrent Decimation.

0:31:380:31:40

Cheery Bernie Clifton said...

0:31:450:31:46

Well, not to your face, mate.

0:31:500:31:52

Bernie's trying to relaunch his career,

0:31:530:31:55

but with one big difference - what is it?

0:31:550:31:57

-He's not doing the ostrich any more?

-That's right, he's ditched it.

0:31:570:31:59

-Really?

-Mm. And he says this...

0:31:590:32:02

But you kept giving it to them, Bernie, you whore.

0:32:080:32:11

Now, the village Mela Thiruvenkatanathapuram, right?

0:32:160:32:21

What idiot managed to misprint the name of Mela Thir...thing?

0:32:210:32:26

It was actually a New York Times journalist who was writing

0:32:260:32:29

an article about...a place in India where possible future

0:32:290:32:33

Supreme Court Judge Sri Srinivasan comes from.

0:32:330:32:37

And how did they make amends?

0:32:370:32:39

By printing it again, but again making a different mistake.

0:32:390:32:42

Well, they published this apology.

0:32:420:32:44

SHE MUMBLES THE PLACE NAME

0:32:520:32:55

I just, I've said it once, I really don't think I can do it again.

0:32:560:33:01

Now, 1,000 copies of the so-called Wicked Bible,

0:33:010:33:04

or the Sinner's Bible, were published in 1631 and it was

0:33:040:33:07

so called, of course, because it contained

0:33:070:33:10

a misprint in the seventh of the ten commandments so it read....

0:33:100:33:14

How long did it take the puritans of the 17th century to pick up

0:33:170:33:21

-on this mistake?

-Six months.

0:33:210:33:23

-A year.

-A year?

-I know.

0:33:230:33:25

I was wrong by 50%.

0:33:250:33:27

And the commandments are quite near the front, apparently. So weird.

0:33:270:33:31

Must have been quite a year, though.

0:33:310:33:33

The whole of Christendom at it.

0:33:350:33:37

Now, Isis fighters were also the subject of an unfortunate

0:33:400:33:44

typo by an American news channel.

0:33:440:33:46

-Did anyone see what NBC said they'd been getting up to?

-No.

0:33:460:33:50

A tweet stated that...

0:33:500:33:52

Wait till they find out Goldilocks slept in three different beds -

0:33:580:34:01

they'll stone her to death.

0:34:010:34:03

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

0:34:030:34:06

Sorry.

0:34:060:34:07

No, I'm not.

0:34:070:34:09

The New York Times article talked about one resident

0:34:090:34:12

of Mela Thiruvenkatanathapuram who was famous for...

0:34:120:34:16

Mind you, that was just when supporting the local football team.

0:34:180:34:22

"Give us an M!"

0:34:220:34:24

Ian and Diane, here are yours.

0:34:280:34:30

Hermione Granger, Anne Hathaway,

0:34:300:34:32

the moons of Uranus and Tottenham Hotspur.

0:34:320:34:36

-I think this is a Shakespeare question.

-Yes.

0:34:360:34:39

Cos Hermione is named after Hermione in The Winter's Tale.

0:34:390:34:44

The moons of Uranus are all Shakespeare characters.

0:34:440:34:47

Tottenham Hotspur - Harry Hotspur in Henry IV 1.

0:34:470:34:50

Crikey, Ian!

0:34:500:34:52

Anyone would think I'd done a degree.

0:34:520:34:54

That was a hell of a football match, Henry 4-1.

0:34:550:34:58

Went into extra time.

0:34:590:35:01

-And who's that?

-Anne Hathaway.

0:35:010:35:04

That was Shakespeare's wife, but not a character,

0:35:040:35:07

so she's the odd one out.

0:35:070:35:08

Correct!

0:35:080:35:10

APPLAUSE

0:35:100:35:11

When you go back to the 17th century, you can't touch him -

0:35:150:35:18

he's red-hot.

0:35:180:35:19

Now, many of Uranus' moons have been named after Shakespearean

0:35:220:35:26

characters, as you said, such as Titania, Oberon, Ariel and Puck.

0:35:260:35:30

But what did the discovers of Pluto's moons

0:35:300:35:32

do about naming them which caused controversy?

0:35:320:35:36

Oh, was it Moony McMoonface?

0:35:360:35:37

-NICK:

-They ask the public, did they?

-They ask the public?

0:35:410:35:44

No, they asked an actor - William Shatner.

0:35:440:35:46

-Oh, fantastic.

-Yep.

0:35:460:35:48

And he suggested Vulcan.

0:35:480:35:50

-It's quite good, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:35:500:35:52

It has a remarkable 27 moons,

0:35:520:35:54

but what else is distinctive about Ur-ANus?

0:35:540:35:57

Well, it's been pronounced UR-anus since 1978.

0:36:000:36:02

Only if you're an American, Paul.

0:36:020:36:04

-No, British scientists have all signed up to it.

-Oh, do they?

0:36:040:36:07

-Yeah, to stop us laughing at Ur-ANus.

-OK.

0:36:070:36:09

And the rings around it.

0:36:090:36:10

It's not working, is it?

0:36:130:36:14

Wondering whether they'd be able to put a man on there.

0:36:140:36:17

It was the first planet to be discovered,

0:36:190:36:21

right, by Sir William Herschel in 1781, because all the others

0:36:210:36:25

had been known about and visible for thousands of years.

0:36:250:36:29

Now, in an interview for American radio, JK Rowling said that

0:36:290:36:33

she'd named Harry Potter's Hermione after a character in...

0:36:330:36:37

-The Winter's Tale.

-Yes, very good.

0:36:370:36:39

She said a lot of people in America pronounce it Hermy-one.

0:36:390:36:44

"Lots of people in America", that sounds very scientific, yeah.

0:36:480:36:52

-I used to think that Penelope was pronounced Penny-loap.

-Me too.

0:36:520:36:55

The word discotheque has long disappeared,

0:36:550:36:58

but a friend of mine thought it was disc-o-the-queue.

0:36:580:37:01

Mind you, another friend of mine thought doing was pronounced dawing.

0:37:020:37:06

Anyway, they are all named after Shakespeare's characters,

0:37:090:37:12

apart from Anne Hathaway, who's named after his wife.

0:37:120:37:15

In a live BBC sketch to mark the 400th anniversary

0:37:150:37:19

of Shakespeare's death, Prince Charles played the part

0:37:190:37:21

of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, so he didn't even get to be king in that.

0:37:210:37:25

APPLAUSE

0:37:280:37:30

Which means, at the end of this round,

0:37:320:37:34

Paul and Nick have five and Ian and Diane have six.

0:37:340:37:39

APPLAUSE

0:37:390:37:41

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:37:460:37:48

which this week features as its guest publication Deposits Magazine,

0:37:480:37:53

the magazine of rocks, fossils and geology

0:37:530:37:56

which, when it comes to its own content,

0:37:560:37:58

can't always make its mind up...

0:37:580:38:00

And we start with...

0:38:030:38:05

Knock Keith Chegwin's confidence.

0:38:080:38:11

This is the story of Reza Beluchi,

0:38:160:38:18

who attempted to walk across the ocean from Florida to Bermuda

0:38:180:38:22

in a large inflatable plastic bubble.

0:38:220:38:25

After being rescued by the coastguard,

0:38:260:38:28

Beluchi popped the bubble and stepped out of it, saying,

0:38:280:38:30

"I feel like I've really let myself down."

0:38:300:38:33

I think it was "the dinosaurs died out",

0:38:390:38:41

but I heard they "dined out for no apparent reason".

0:38:410:38:43

No. It is, in fact...

0:38:430:38:45

Brexit.

0:38:490:38:51

-Exactly. The dinosaurs' departure...

-Tyrannosaurus Brexit!

0:38:510:38:54

AUDIENCE GROANS Thank you very much indeed.

0:38:540:38:57

APPLAUSE

0:38:570:39:00

Next...

0:39:000:39:02

-NICK:

-Merkin.

-Merkin!

0:39:040:39:05

Settlement. Foot.

0:39:070:39:09

Head.

0:39:090:39:11

Arm.

0:39:110:39:12

Kidney.

0:39:120:39:13

Centipede bigger than a human kidney.

0:39:130:39:15

Foot, head, arm, finger.

0:39:150:39:17

Centipede bigger than a human...

0:39:170:39:19

-Bigger than an actual human?

-Yes.

0:39:220:39:25

Imagine that coming out of your salad, Nick.

0:39:250:39:28

I think that's pretty much the Billy Connolly experience.

0:39:310:39:34

Sorry!

0:39:370:39:38

APPLAUSE

0:39:380:39:40

Finally...

0:39:410:39:43

-Nick:

-Chokes.

0:39:440:39:45

Is it there's nothing missing? "Man with giant foot"?

0:39:500:39:52

-No, there is. It's...

-Yeah?

0:39:530:39:55

A traffic warden in South London ticketed a giant foot

0:39:590:40:01

that parked outside Balham Tube Station.

0:40:010:40:03

Here's the traffic warden

0:40:030:40:05

giving the foot a parking ticket.

0:40:050:40:07

To be fair, the foot had just broken down

0:40:090:40:12

and it was waiting for a "toe truck".

0:40:120:40:15

So, the final scores are -

0:40:170:40:20

Paul and Nick have five,

0:40:200:40:22

but Ian and Diane have seven.

0:40:220:40:25

APPLAUSE

0:40:250:40:27

But before we go,

0:40:310:40:32

there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:320:40:36

-DIANE:

-Bet you a quid I can lose my hand.

0:40:360:40:38

Don't put your keys in me - I'm not a handbag yet!

0:40:420:40:45

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:40:470:40:50

Ian Hislop and Diane Morgan, Paul Merton and Nick Hewer.

0:40:500:40:53

And I leave you with news that, after drastic budget cuts,

0:40:530:40:57

it looks like the next Star Wars movie

0:40:570:40:59

could be a little disappointing.

0:40:590:41:01

In Cambridge, a long-running feud in the council traffic department

0:41:050:41:09

escalates to full-on civil war.

0:41:090:41:11

And in Glasgow, there's terror as the police are called in

0:41:170:41:19

to identify a mysterious and suspicious package.

0:41:190:41:23

Good night!

0:41:280:41:30

APPLAUSE

0:41:300:41:34

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