Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Tennant.

In the news this week there is evidence that Britain's

loneliest man has been just a little too judgmental on Tinder.

In Glasgow, as Rangers are promoted back to the Premier League

to play Celtic again,

one group of workers calculate the effect on their overtime payments.

And there's consternation for the Beckham household as the children's

entertainer booked for Harper's fifth birthday blows out the candles.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian in his 20s who ends his blog

with the words "Wang out".

As opposed to when he's on Snapchat, "Wang out" is how he starts.

Please welcome Phil Wang!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a journalist and broadcaster who says

she's always complaining about her neighbour's leaf blower.

It's a constant infuriating racket

and the leaf blower is the only way to drown it out.

Please welcome Janet Street-Porter!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Janet, take a look at this.

Yes, of course, this is the triumph of the Foxes, Leicester City.

-There's...

-One of their fans. Hang on, David Tennant, isn't that you?

I was Richard II, not Richard III.

You're just being pedantic,

I think. But you do rather resemble the statue of Richard III.

-Really?!

-Yes!

-I don't own a hat like that.

-No.

Haven't people said that Leicester City's good fortunes have

-coincided with the reburial?

-Yeah.

Since he was dug up from the car park

and buried in Leicester Cathedral, Leicester City

were on the brink of relegation and now they've won the Premier League.

And what's happened at the same time to the City of York?

-They've been relegated.

-Exactly!

-Oh, my God!

-Exactly! They're claiming

-Richard III should have been buried in York Minster.

-Yes!

They lost the battle for Richard's remains

and now York City have been relegated from the Football League altogether.

-Well, let's start the Battle Of The Roses again!

-JANET:

-Yeah.

Is it true that Keith Vaz, the MP for Leicester,

has not taken off his Leicester scarf since they won

and he's even worn it in the House of Commons?

-Oh, filthy bastard.

-He'll do anything to get...

-No, he asked a question.

-Wearing the Leicester scarf.

-How sad is that?

-Would the Prime Minister agree that it's marvellous?

And Cameron said, "Oh, yes, footie ball."

He's got as much interest in the sport as I have.

I'm not sure why it is exciting.

Aren't they owned by incredibly rich oligarchs like everyone else?

I think they're owned by a Thai billionaire.

So I'm considering this a win for Southeast Asia.

-So it's not really a rags-to-riches story.

-No!

-It's more sort of riches to more riches.

-Quite.

Well, that's heart-warming.

-The captain is already writing his life story, isn't he?

-Mm.

He sold it for a great deal of money.

-And will there be a film?

-Yes.

-Are you in it, David?

-Not yet, but...

Vardy. I only learned his name yesterday. Vardy.

-I did a lot of work before this thing.

-Did you?

-Is that how you refer to this programme, "This thing"?

-Yeah.

I thought, "Football is coming up. I really need to know my stuff."

-So I know why they won.

-Yes.

-4-4-2.

Oh, really?

APPLAUSE

Tell us about that, Ian. Tell us about 4-4-2.

Um, well, you've got, um...

-Here we go!

-..ten players together.

-Uh-huh.

-Four of them are in one bit...

-Yeah?

Four of them in another and two right over there in another bit.

The only thing I read about it that really interests me

is that before the game, they have Buddhist monks who...

I mean, this is probably a doping story. It's certainly cheating.

The Buddhist monks come in and chant and pray for victory.

-Yes.

-And apparently it works. Every time.

I've got mine right here.

-There we go, guys.

-Om....

-How tall are these people?

-They're very small.

-Very small?

-They've also challenged conventional wisdom

because they play most of the time without the ball.

What does that mean?

It means they are statistically in possession for only 46%

of the match.

The Buddhist monks just pray and then the ball floats...

to the goal. It's a Thai technique. You wouldn't understand.

I should say, I'm not Thai. This could get quite confusing.

I should say I'm not either.

I'm not, but I can be for a role.

Actually not.

How did the manager Claudio Ranieri win people over?

-He went to see his mum.

-His 96-year-old mum lives in Rome.

-Yeah, he went straight to see his mum. He had lunch with her.

-Yes.

And share the good news with her.

-He's generally been incredibly nice and charming.

-Mm.

And won people over. He's never criticised referees or other managers,

and at press conferences he went around the room shaking hands with every journalist present.

-Mm.

-But how had he been treated by the media last September?

Was that when he first joined them?

I suppose they would have dragged up the memories of him being

-manager of Chelsea ten years before.

-Well, he'd just been sacked.

-Oh, had he?

-As manager of Greece.

-Oh, bloody hell.

-Yeah.

That takes some doing!

It was following their defeat by the Faroe Islands,

when he was called...

He was called...

And was favourite to be the first manager of the season to be sacked.

Finger on the pulse from the country's press, there.

How did Claudio Ranieri make his players pay attention to him?

-Oh, didn't he do that dilly-dongy bell thing?

-That's exactly it.

He rings an imaginary bell and shouts...

It sounds like a morris dancer.

Well, I think it's being entered for Eurovision this year.

I'm sure you've all seen Leicester players

celebrating at Jamie Vardy's house just after they became the champions.

Let's have a look.

WILD CHEERING

CHEERING CONTINUES

A measured response!

They say the Premier League is overhyped these days

and that people get too excited about it.

So let's compare those Leicester players with some footage

taken in the home of Lee Chapman from Leeds United

and his team-mates just minutes after they'd won the league title in 1992.

It's a champagne occasion

and we are in Boroughbridge in the home of Lee Chapman.

-Thanks...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

And they're wearing ties!

The celebrations in Leicester were widely reported.

Steve Hurst went out to soak up the atmosphere with his

cocker spaniel Daisy wearing a miniature Leicester kit.

He said...

And this story has allowed journalists to bring

all their skills to bear by googling famous people from Leicester.

Whose name do you think appeared most often in the press reports?

-Apart from Gary Lineker.

-I saw a reference to Showaddywaddy.

-Exactly, yes.

-A fine, popular... band...

..of the...'30s?

-Who else? Gok Wan.

-Is he from Leicester?

-Yes, he is. His dad owned a Chinese restaurant.

-There you go.

His real name is Wang, like mine, but he found it too embarrassing

and took the G off.

-Really?

-Yeah, apparently. But more fool him. More for me.

I'm getting a Wang dollar now!

I think Gary Lineker said he's going to present

Match Of The Day in his underwear.

Ugh! Isn't he available now he's just got divorced?

Janet!

This is not Loose Women, you know!

-I think David Cameron encouraged him to do it, didn't he?

-Has he?

-Yeah.

Another question was asked in Parliament

-and he said that he thought he should.

-Right,

-I'm glad they're tackling the important issues.

-Yeah!

Exactly!

What has top Leicester butcher Keith Ashmore done as a tribute

to his football team?

Spelt the names out in mince?

-It's bound to be a sausage, isn't it?

-Made from fox.

Oh, Ian! I wish you hadn't said that.

-It would be delicious, wouldn't it?

-It would be lovely!

He's actually introduced a range of blue sausages.

-Blue sausages?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that is gross!

He should save his money and buy a better wig.

That's not actually Keith, that's a Telegraph journalist.

He's going to give you a really good review after you said that.

He still ought to get a better wig.

Who has also got into trouble over his coloured sausage?

Oh, is it a tartan sausage?

No. Top Devon butcher Paul...

Why are they all top butchers?

Why aren't some of them struggling to make a living?

Middling Devon butcher Paul Kenyon,

who produced his own purple sausage

-as a tribute to Prince, who died recently.

-Oh, no!

-JANET:

-Oh, God!

-Here you go.

-Ohh.

The animal rights group Peta have asked him

to withdraw his sausage.

They said...

I think we'd all aspire to having a novelty sausage, wouldn't we?

I've seen a few in my time.

By the way, I've met Prince and that sausage is about ten times

the size of what he had in his pants.

Do I have to remind you again this is not Loose Women?

The body's not even cold, Janet.

-JANET:

-He's cremated.

IAN GULPS

I think it's how he would have liked to have been remembered.

Yes, this is the shock result that has turned

even non-football fans like myself into experts.

Leicester Rovers have won the Premier division cup.

It's a wonderfully romantic story.

And to think, none of it would have happened if the previous manager

hadn't left the club after his son was sacked for filming his mates

having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.

APPLAUSE

One female hospital worker in Leicester

is £50,000 better off

after a bet was put on for her

as a joke by her boss, a consultant plastic surgeon.

And now, like so many of his patients,

she can't wipe the smile off her face.

Jamie Vardy once played for a local steelworkers' team...

..before he quit to pursue his ambition

of becoming a Premiership footballer.

"It's an impossible dream! How will you feed your family?

"What about job security?"

Vardy warned the steelworkers as he left.

Ian and Phil, take a look at this.

That's a degree.

Swinging quite a long way to the right.

That's how big his head is, in psychological terms.

He's won in Indiana.

-All his competitors have dropped out.

-Yep.

Cruz crashed and burned.

The last time a CRUZ sunk this badly,

James Cameron made a film about it.

Thank you.

You're very kind.

APPLAUSE

That is the official Republican candidate.

So it's possible

he'll be the next President of the United States.

-It felt like that was quite hard to get out.

-I couldn't.

I was about to say, "And he's going to meet Prime Minister Johnson...

"..to discuss being mad."

What happened to the online petition to ban him from Britain?

I think the argument was that we should let him come over,

listen to what he had to say and then laugh.

It's the more traditional British response.

No, we need some freedom of speech.

We've got to hear Trump's views,

because they change minute to minute.

You've no idea what he's going to say next. He doesn't, either.

"I'm going to build a wall.

"Maybe I'm not."

He actually ended one rally

thanking the poorly educated for voting for him.

Yes, this is the news of another rank outsider,

as Trump triumphs in Indiana.

After rivals Ted Cruz and John Kasich pulled out of the race,

Trump made a victory speech.

..he said, dangerous lunatic-ly.

What record has Donald Trump now achieved?

-Has he got the most delegates at this stage of the game?

-No.

Most ex-wives?

Least credible hair ever?

Well, according to veteran Democratic pollster Peter Hart...

What did Trump's rival Ted Cruz do immediately after conceding defeat?

Open up a delicatessen.

He punched his wife in the face, didn't he?

-Did he?

-Not once but twice. Let's have a look.

I think we should see that again in slow motion.

Wallop!

Bang!

What is being sold at Donald Trump rallies

that's causing particular offence?

Souls.

Anti-Hillary Clinton messages.

Yes. Do you know what they are?

I don't know. "Kill the bitch" sort of thing?

I'm quoting what he's doing.

Haven't been making them at home myself.

That's pretty much it.

SHOCKED GASPS

-Classy(!)

-And that is half the voters.

-Yes.

I mean, he's got no women voting for him, no ethnic vote.

But he keeps winning.

Who's not remotely bothered about what's happening

in the US election build-up?

-It's Barack Obama. Let's have a look.

-Yes!

MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars

"Not my problem any more!"

-Anyway, who says elections aren't fun?

-Yeah.

Meanwhile, back home, the election results are in.

Unfortunately, we happened yesterday so we have no idea what they are.

So let's talk about Labour's anti-Semitism problem

and how is that going for Jeremy Corbyn?

It's working a treat, he got a landslide.

If you're watching the repeat and he didn't...

He didn't.

Alan Johnson was very funny.

He said, "There's no Labour problem that cannot be made worse

"by Ken Livingstone."

LAUGHTER

The number of Labour members suspended

for anti-Semitism and racism since Corbyn took over as leader is now 18.

-It's not good, is it?

-It's not great.

Doesn't that make him the best ever anti-Semite hunter?

Every other Labour... Like, Miliband couldn't find them.

Does Jeremy Corbyn know the keypad code to the door

to his constituency office?

-No.

-No, there's footage of him, isn't there?

Yes, because him going in would not be news.

-Yes, quite.

-Getting it wrong.

-Well deduced. Let's have a look.

Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do

about the perceived anti-Semitism in your party?

Mr Corbyn, have you got any comment?

Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do about the perception

that your party is anti-Semitic and the criticisms from Andy Burnham?

Hi, good morning, very nice to see you.

Did someone change the code?

Has there been a coup and no-one told him?

John McDonnell's in there.

Throwing his clothes out the top floor window.

Yeah. "Get out! There's your cycling helmet."

And here's London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith

demonstrating how you should handle tough questions from the media.

I'm a Bollywood fan, so anything with a Bollywood theme,

-I will lap it up.

-You say you are a Bollywood fan,

do you have a favourite actor, a favourite Bollywood film?

Er, no, you're going to... I wouldn't be able to...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

No, I'm not going to give you one. I can't think of a favourite.

You can't think of a single Bollywood film or actor?

I-I-I can think of...

I can't think of a favourite, I love the whole...

I love almost everything about Bollywood.

I love the atmosphere, I love the colour, I love the excitement.

I want as much Bollywood as possible here in London.

I love him trying to coast it. It's that Boris thing.

HE MUMBLES CONFIDENTLY

Nothing.

Back to Jeremy Corbyn,

who has finally managed to get to grips with some modern technology.

Here's his latest post on Snapchat.

The EYES have it!

I think that's the pin-code cam. That's the shot from...

It looks like he's canvassing his own headquarters

and they don't want him.

"No, thank you. We're voting Tory."

Labour launched an election poster on Tuesday.

Do you know what the slogan was?

"Please!"

"We're all a little bit racist."

APPLAUSE

The slogan on the poster was...

So no matter who you are or what you want, Labour agrees with you.

Which is reassuring but also, unfortunately,

totally meaningless.

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was recently ridiculed

for going with the slogan...

LAUGHTER

Bonus point for anyone who can come up

with a more meaningless slogan than that.

"Together, we're apart."

"Vote with your heart, not with your head,

"but most importantly, with your hand."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

What have the Conservatives been accused of spending money on

that they shouldn't have?

Blue sausages.

LAUGHTER

They've been accused of bussing campaigners into marginal

constituencies and putting them up in hotels during the 2015

-general election, and not declaring the expenses.

-Ah!

Which could've been bad news for the career of former

Conservative Party chairman Grant Shapps.

But luckily, he already had to resign over a completely different scandal.

LAUGHTER

Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city has come

to an end after eight years.

So let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office

with a Goodbye Boris Buzzer Round.

GUESTS AND AUDIENCE GIVE A CHEER

Is there any special music? No?

-We'll put something on after.

-OK, fine.

-Eh...

-I'll pretend I'm dancing to it.

LAUGHTER

-That will cut in seamlessly.

-Beautiful(!)

What is going on here?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER Yes, Ian?

"I am thick as..."

LAUGHTER

"These contraceptive devices don't work."

LAUGHTER

JANET CACKLES

What about this one?

-IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

-Who's the jerk?

LAUGHTER

I made a documentary with Arnie when he was still a bodybuilder,

and he did a film called Stay Hungry, and he came over to Britain.

I took him to Gordon's Gym in Plumstead...

and somewhere, there's a picture of me sitting on Arnie's arm.

We've actually got that photo of you with Arnie, Janet. Let's have a look.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Very embarrassing.

-Was he charming?

He was great. On the way to the gym, we had to stop at a Greggs

and he ate 24 doughnuts.

LAUGHTER

-IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

-I love Greggs doughnuts. I must eat them.

-CONTINUING:

-You have Jammie Dodgers? I have world championship coming up.

LAUGHTER What about this next one?

BUZZER

-Yes, Ian?

-That's Boris Johnson having trouble with his zip.

LAUGHTER

Thank you(!)

LAUGHTER

-He got trapped on a zip wire.

-Yes.

-And anybody else,

it would've been the end of his career, but with Boris,

everyone went, "Look! He's got stuck on a zip!"

-LAUGHTER

-"Isn't he brilliant?".

The time he was up there coincided with London running very smoothly.

LAUGHTER

He looks like a Ukip supporter bauble.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And finally....

CHORTLES AND LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Sorry. Sorry. No, that's... That's not Boris at all. Erm...

Although, a lot of people did notice the similarity when the picture

was posted on Twitter by an account called...

LAUGHTER

I think that's a man in drag, actually, the more I look at it.

Well, that was sort of the gag.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, this is Donald Trump's triumph in Indiana.

This week, Donald Trump made the bizarre claim that

Ted Cruz's father was linked to the assassination of JFK.

A foolish move, even by Trump's standards, as it reminded people

that if all else fails, presidents CAN be assassinated.

LAUGHTER

Donald Trump has demanded an apology from David Cameron

for describing Trump as...

..failing to realise, those are the very qualities David Cameron

values most in a Cabinet Minister.

CHUCKLING

APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, Britain has been in the grip of local election fever.

IAN LAUGHS This recording is...

LAUGHTER

No, it hasn't!

LAUGHTER

-At a mild temperature, perhaps.

-Yeah.

As the polls opened, Labour mobilised thousands

of volunteers who were soon pounding the streets, knocking on doors,

desperately trying to find Ken Livingstone, sedate him

and lock him in a cupboard.

LAUGHTER

So at the end of that round...

-two points each!

-Hooray!

-That's very good.

APPLAUSE

HE MOUTHS WORDS

Now, on to Round 2.

This week, we are delving into some of the latest breakthroughs

-from the cutting edge of science and technology.

-Oh, yes?

So, let's fire up...

the Newsatron!

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

That looks like the cheapest prop from Doctor Who.

LAUGHTER

Oh, we had cheaper ones than this!

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here we go.

WHIRRING BUZZ

GAME SHOW THEME STYLE JINGLE

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Yeees! Paul.

Eric Pickles has been reincarnated.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's 'Labradors are 'flabaradors'.

They're the fattest pets.

Boffins say that poor old Labradors have got a genetic predisposition.

Every time they see a plate of food, they have to eat it and they have

to beg for food the entire time.

So that makes them exactly like 75% of the British population!

LAUGHTER

Is absolutely the correct answer.

After testing their drool... Nice(!)

..scientists at Cambridge University found that 25% of Labradors

carried a faulty gene that means they're programmed to overeat.

And what's the upside of this gene?

How can you exploit it?

How can you exploit fat Labradors, essentially?

Erm... Make young offenders carry them.

LAUGHTER

PAUL IS MUTED BY LAUGHTER

"It's a Labrador for you, me old son."

I can't think.

-Well, it makes them easier to train.

-Does it?!

-Yes!

Because they're more motivated to work for a titbit.

Shall we have a look at a Labrador recovering

-after a gruelling training session?

-I think we should.

ODD SNORING

LAUGHTER

SNORING CONTINUES

SNORING CONTINUES

Sounds like Boris Johnson's telling his wife that he can't

remember where he stayed last night.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

IAN CHUCKLES

That's not somebody round the corner with a vacuum cleaner, is it?

-Labra-snore.

-'Labra-snore'.

-There we are, that's why he's the editor of Private Eye.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Hoping for The Sun job!

Experts studied drool from 310 fat dogs.

If you want to collect drool from a fat cat,

that's normally on Kate Moss's neck after a Philip Green party.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

GLASSES MAKE MUSICAL 'DING' SOUND

LAUGHTER

According to the research, Labradors are...

As opposed to other dogs, who will only eat high-protein food,

all other food and sick off the pavement.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one!

WHIRRING BUZZ

BUZZER Ian.

-Erm, so...

-Oh, no, sorry.

-It was Phil!

We get mixed up a lot.

LAUGHTER

Top boffins have said that The Borrowers could never happen.

Because of scaling, it would happen with shrinking a human down.

The surface area wouldn't be right, and they'd lose too much heat

and they wouldn't be able to maintain their heat,

and they'd just freeze to death and they'd all be blind and deaf.

-I find that really funny.

-That's exactly right!

This is news that scientists have proved that, if a human was the size

of one of the characters in The Borrowers,

they wouldn't be very well.

Phil, you did computer engineering.

Mechanical engineering. Did some computer stuff, yeah.

OK. Does 'interaural time difference' mean anything to you?

That's what we got up to on the weekend!

APPLAUSE

It is the adjustment your brain makes for sound to reach

the left and right ears, and if you were that tiny,

it'd be totally out of whack.

-Would anybody like to be a Borrower for a day?

-No, no.

Does it appeal? Er, no.

-Not that you've heard of the interaural time difference!

-Exactly.

I won't be able to hear what people are saying,

your heart won't work properly... It's no good.

With current interest rates, no, thank you.

-CHUCKLING

-No.

-APPLAUSE

-Sorry.

-They're very low, actually.

-I should research

before I come on the programme.

Finally, despite what these scientists might be claiming,

how did a real-life Borrower nearly miss out on a job this week?

There aren't any real-life Borrowers!

After a typo in his job application, a Mr O'Neill had to get a doctor's

certificate to prove that he...

..which worried his new employer,

as this meant his body mass index was...

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here we go.

BUZZING WHIR

-BUZZER

-Snoring.

-Yes!

-They found a cure.

I thought it was euthanasia.

It is indeed the news scientists have discovered

a revolutionary new cure if your partner snores, which involves...

Also a handy solution if you're just tired of them being alive.

According to the Daily Mail,

scientists have developed a new anti-snoring device, which is...

Surely the last thing you want in bed is a sticky patch.

HESITANT LAUGHTER

I can wait.

-LAUGHTER

-Loose Women's on soon.

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-We must get this.

BUZZER

There's no bicycles in heaven.

-LAUGHTER

-There are bicycles in heaven.

A guy designed the world's first hover-bike.

There you go. That's right. Yes.

An amateur inventor called Colin Furze

has built a working hover-bike in his garden shed.

Essentially, it's a couple of drones, isn't it, he's got?

-Yeah.

-Is it a bike, though?

He's so pleased to be alive.

-Do you think that's a glimpse of the future?

-No.

Essentially, this won't catch on

because it's a stupid thing.

LAUGHTER

Yes, this is the news that an amateur inventor called Colin Furze

has built a working hover-bike in his garden shed.

Furze told Sky News...

And he was instantly offered a job by Uber.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Is it something to do with his phone?

-It is, yes.

He's holding his phone. Is it an app?

No, it's not an app.

Is it people are crossing the road without looking,

so they're going to put traffic lights on the floor.

You've worked it out, yes, very good.

-APPLAUSE

-Is that what it is?

-Ah.

-Brilliant.

-There we are.

This is the news that a town in Germany

is putting traffic lights in the pavement,

so people busy texting won't get run over.

Yes, this is the German town of Augsburg,

which has installed traffic lights on the ground

to stop texters wandering onto the tram tracks.

To warn pedestrians,

there are 16 red LED lights embedded in the pavement,

and to make sure Germans spot them...

..and the shape of a sausage.

Which means, at the end of this round...

-Paul and Janet have four. Ian and Phil have five.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out round,

it's just one between you this week.

Your four are...

Sir Philip Green,

John Virgo and Jim Davidson,

Sir Winston Churchill

and Cavity Sam.

Is it yachts?

No.

They all have a heart...

except Sir Philip.

LAUGHTER

John Virgo was told off

for swearing live during snooker.

You're right, John Virgo was caught out during the snooker championships.

It wasn't John's fault.

The microphones were left up and, crucially, someone was still awake,

so... LAUGHTER

..he can't be blamed.

But that's not the right answer. I'm swinging it back across.

-Can we have a clue?

-Mousetrap.

Mousetrap?

They've all had board games made of themselves.

Is nudging very close to the correct answer.

They have all had a board game, apart from...

Sir Philip Green.

Is the correct answer.

They've all featured in a board game,

apart from Sir Phillip Green,

whose businesses appeared on a specially-made Monopoly set

given to him by his wife Tina on his 50th birthday.

That's brilliant.

According to the Sunday Times, in 2003...

Is that corner square still there?

Where it says, "Go to jail?"

"Go directly to jail, do not take a knighthood."

The Parliamentary committee on pensions

has insisted that Sir Phillip Green must meet

them to face questions.

How has he reacted to that? What has he done?

He has agreed. He has a terrible greed!

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, sorry.

Jim Davidson and John Virgo

featured in the board game spin-off

from the TV show Big Break.

A point if you can sing the theme.

For two points, I won't sing it.

I can't even remember how it went, I'm afraid.

My knowledge of trivia doesn't always extend that far.

-What was it called?

-# It's only a game so

# Put up a real good fight

-Is it Captain Sensible?

-# I'm going to be snookering you

# Snookering you tonight Big Break! #

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

You're seriously giving him a round of applause?

He begged for it, didn't he?

Yeah. Cravenly.

According to Wikipedia...

And that's it. The other six... remain a mystery.

-The Winston Churchill board game, I played that as a boy.

-Oh, yeah?

Took five years, but we got there in the end.

-You played it on the beaches, didn't you?

-We did!

APPLAUSE

Anyone have an idea of the rules?

Are you leader of Britain during World War II? Kinda.

Do you just make mean quips to fat women?

It recreates the tension and drama of the conferences between

Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin towards the end of World War II.

One review states...

So you go through the lot? Yalta, Potsdam, all the way through?

Oh, this is fantastic!

I just can't wait. Come on, get on with it.

How have gamemakers added extra jeopardy to

Churchill, The Board Game?

Do you drink at the same time?

They have a card that means Churchill has a heart attack.

Stalin's staff members are liquidated

and FDR might simply...die.

There's also a new app being launched of Churchill Solitaire.

Interestingly, the app was devised

by 84-year-old Donald Rumsfeld. Yes, that one.

Although, what he'd actually said to staff was, "I want a nap".

Cavity Sam was the name given to the character on the table

in the game Operation. What are the rules in Operation?

You have to remove important parts until the NHS is dead.

The BBC also released a Doctor Who version of Operation,

where you operate on a Dalek. Wish I'd had a cut of that,

I could be doing Shakespeare tonight, instead of this shit!

It wasn't shit before you got here!

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Bottleship Magazine,

The magazine of the European Association Of Ships In Bottles.

You'll get into it, but you won't know how.

And we start with...

Zoo will let you - what? - for 10.

Tickle a tortoise.

Kiss a panda, or something like that.

-Shoot the animals.

-Shoot the animals for 10?!

What sort of business plan would that be?

"We ain't got any animals, but we got 40 here!"

Zoo will let you name a cockroach after your ex!

Why can't I see my family?

"How on earth are they doing it?" and "Why?"

They either say "Wow, that's fantastic," or "What a tremendous waste of time."

It's pretty much correct. They either say, "Gosh, that's amazing,"

"Oh, it's easy, you just pull a string."

This is from a report on the Annual Bottleship Convention.

One delegate wrote of the convention...

Really several ladies were there?

Next. Outrage as - what? - replaced by piece of cardboard?

Family planning advice!

I'm sorry!

You're sorry? How d'you think I feel?

Russia's eternal flame. Yeah.

One of Russia's commemorative eternal flames was replaced

with a cardboard cut-out, hoping no-one would notice.

Here it is.

Next, Bottleship editor Alan Rogers just assumed everyone - what?

Knew the secret.

Everyone was gay.

On television.

Which is more or less the truth.

He just assumed everyone was using Blu-Tack.

That's a good birth control device.

Blu-Tack?

-Instead of cardboard.

-Does it work?

It's worked for me.

Do you need a hand getting off that chair afterwards.

Just being a gentleman.

The BBC do not recommend Blu-Tack as a contraceptive.

Other sticky contraceptives are available.

Yes, Alan Rogers explains at great length how useful Blu-Tack

is in constructing a ship in a bottle.

Alan is well-known for his love of proverbs.

AUDIENCE GROANS

He said, to an empty room...

And, finally, Thanks to - what? - milkman makes a comeback?

Milk!

In bottles!

Milk in bottles!

Yeah! In trendy parts of London, they want, erm, milk in bottles

-because it's somehow "real".

-Yes.

Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twat.

APPLAUSE

It is worth it just for that joke.

Yeah, yeah. We got there.

So, the final scores are - it's a draw, six points each!

Hooray! Fantastic!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.

I leave you with news

that at a stand-up comedy festival in Gloucester,

dozens walk out as Britain's edgiest comic

crosses the line once too often.

In Westminster, after another U-turn,

David Cameron is spotted looking for new policy ideas.

And as the British archery team unveil their squad for Rio,

they begin to regret that Vivienne Westwood

was asked to design the official Olympic kit.

Goodnight!