Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Frankie Boyle.

In the news this week -

at an earth-shattering press conference,

the Queen and Prince Philip reveal that David Icke was right all along.

After Beyonce gets a flat tyre,

the bloke at the garage tries a little too hard to impress her.

And at the BBC, news reaches the dressing room

that Piers Morgan has pulled out of Question Time.

On Ian's team tonight is a trenchant journalist and author

who's been compared to Katie Hopkins,

although, unlike Katie Hopkins,

she still has a reflection.

Please welcome talkRADIO's Julia Hartley-Brewer.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is the writer and star of BBC sitcom Citizen Khan.

He's never a shared a stage with extremists - until tonight.

Please welcome Adil Ray.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Adil, take a look at this.

Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan,

and there's Jeremy Corbyn,

probably on his way to vote and...do it again, would you?

Thank you.

That's the...not going around in circles

and that's the sort of thing you need to do

when you want to get your picture in the paper.

-So, yes, lots of people getting out and voting.

-Yeah.

This is the various elections we've had -

this is the election of Sadiq Khan as London mayor

and the massive resurgence of the Tories in Scotland

that put them into quite a poor second.

Uh...

Did you follow the London mayor debate?

I did, yes, followed it with great delight.

But on behalf of all Muslims...

That's what I do - as a Muslim, we talk on behalf of all of us.

And there is 1.6 billion of us

and I've spoken to them all before we came on tonight.

We're not very happy because he's not a proper Muslim.

No beard. In fact,

you'd be a better Muslim than Sadiq Khan, I think.

-I'm in.

-If you're wondering where my beard is,

they wouldn't let me through security with it.

-JULIA:

-The problem with Sadiq Khan is we don't know enough about him.

We don't know about his background. I mean, what did his father do for a living?

Nothing. Nothing.

There was quite a sad moment where Paul Golding,

who is the head of Britain First,

he turned his back on Sadiq Khan during his acceptance speech.

I thought it'd be good if he'd accidentally turned to face Mecca.

That's quite possibly what's happening, yeah.

But we wait now, as Muslims, to see

what Sadiq Khan has got in store, you know, he's been in a week

and we've not seen any evidence of King's Cross changing to

King's Abdullah's Cross or, you know...

Or Buckingham Palace losing the "ham" bit,

I think was quite important. So it'd just be Bucking Palace,

-I think, yeah. Bucking Palace I think would work.

-Definitely work.

He went, on the first day,

straight to a Holocaust memorial service, didn't he?

Yes, that was...

-That was convenient, wasn't it?

-Yeah. And good.

He also spent the entire first day not meeting Jeremy Corbyn,

and the second day, and the third day -

there wasn't actually a meeting until Monday evening.

He doesn't want to share a platform with extremists any more.

I interviewed Sadiq Khan, actually,

on my talkRADIO show - thought I'd get that in...

-TalkRADIO show?

-TalkRADIO show, yes.

I interviewed all the candidates and I said to him,

"Would a victory for Sadiq Khan for the London Mayor

"be a victory for Jeremy Corbyn's leadership of the Labour Party?"

and Sadiq Khan said, "Is that the time?"

-ADIL:

-What, was it prayer time, was it?

Get used to that - get used to that.

Sadiq Khan can walk out of any interview, any time.

"I've got to go. Sorry, prayer time." Good on you, Sadiq.

It seemed to be the implication from Goldsmith's campaign

was this guy sympathises with extremists so you might get a mayor

who sympathises with terrorists and what, I couldn't understand it,

use the machinery of local government to aid terrorism.

-Yeah.

-"You never guess what the mayor's gone and done?

"Free Oyster cards for ISIS!"

The Conservative candidate, Zac Goldsmith,

was thought by many to have run a divisive campaign,

but what happened to Lynton Crosby,

the man who ran his campaign, this week?

-He got knighted.

-He was knighted -

perhaps to put his Islamophobic campaign

into the context of the Crusades.

I must say at this point

that Sadiq did have to apologise during the campaign

for calling moderate Muslims "Uncle Toms" a couple of years ago.

I just...you know, this is balance,

and I don't want Whippingdale - Whittingdale...

..making a fuss about it.

I just...I just throw that in. You know, there is...is...

There are things to say on both sides.

What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?

"We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents."

Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said...

..to which Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded...

It's just that everybody else is outside pissing into it.

What are they saying? They want us all to go to go camping with them?

Because I ain't sharing a tent with Diane Abbott.

I don't know about you.

Hasn't bothered me in the past.

Can you tell what's going on here?

Is it the man on the right,

as we look, is incredibly strong,

and he's lifting up all the others?

Are these Scottish Tories? I can see some ginger hair.

No offence.

Is that the first time anyone's said "no offence" to Frankie Boyle?

None taken.

These are some new members of the Scottish Parliament.

This is Edward Mountain, MSP for Highlands and Islands.

What special skill does he have that involves a cow?

I do actually know this one. He is...he is qualified

to artificially inseminate cows.

How do you know that?

Correct answer. Next up, we've got Lib Dem MSP Willie Rennie.

He's been a runner-up in the Scottish Championships

for carrying what?

A grudge.

That's a hotly-contested field.

He was runner-up in

the 2006 Scottish Coal Carrying Championships.

Ah - one way of keeping warm without burning it.

In Scotland, there was a strong SNP vote

from the Scottish people who hate Britain,

a big Tory vote from the Scottish people who hate Scottish people,

and a small Labour vote

from the Scottish people who hate themselves.

No-one can call the BBC biased tonight(!)

Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland

because people in Scotland don't trust anyone who looks old

but still has teeth.

Ian and Julia, take a look at this.

Oh, free pasties for everyone.

Sorry, missed that.

Cheers, yes - they don't like it up 'em.

And we're all going to die in World War III.

That's brilliant - nice, cheery news from the EU Referendum campaign(!)

This stage in the campaign, you've got to up it,

so you've basically got to tell people

it's death and bubonic plague.

And that's what'll happen if you leave.

Boris has invested himself heavily in this, hasn't he?

I think if they lose this,

Boris will be brought into Cameron's office on the next day and told...

"Well, it's a bit unconventional, Boris,

"but I'm making you Israel's ambassador to Syria."

The thing I find strange is how much war has got involved with this,

because we had Boris Johnson

singing Ode To Joy in German this week.

We've had Ken Livingstone, who's got, like, Hitler Tourette's,

he keeps mentioning it,

and we've got Cameron talking about World War III.

I just don't know what's gone wrong in the last week.

We haven't got the song, have we?

Yes, we do. We can have a look at it.

APPLAUSE

You realise, of course, we still have six weeks to go.

It's that thing, some politicians are a clever person pretending to

be an idiot or an idiot pretending to be clever,

he's an idiot pretending to be an idiot.

This is day one, war and genocide,

surely it's just going to end with Cameron screaming "Ebola"

through a rolled-up newspaper.

No, you would think that, you know,

if he really believed that as soon as we leave the EU

there'll be a world war...

Just don't have the referendum, then.

He did say just a few months ago that he was considering...

He didn't know which way he was going to go,

depending on the reforms he got.

Now he's saying "catastrophic", "death and destruction".

Are you suggesting he's...exaggerating?

I'm suggesting that he's a liar.

I just can't work out if he's doing it now or he did it then.

-Or both.

-Or both.

You get every American general or spy chief, comes in and says,

"You must remain."

No, but it's bizarre,

because they keep saying it's really important

that we stay in this political union with the EU,

and yet, bizarrely, are not in a political union

with Mexico themselves.

They're planning to build a wall, so what's that about?

-It's just Trump who's planning to build a wall, isn't it?

-Oh, OK.

I don't think it's official US policy yet.

The bricklayers' union have been really strong on it.

Well, a lot of them are Mexicans.

What have ITV done to upset

approximately half the Brexit people?

Oh, ITV have decided to put Nigel Farage up

for one of their big debates, so they've upset Vote Leave.

Vote Leave are now threatening to sue,

because they say they're the official campaign

and therefore it should be them and not Nigel Farage

who gets to choose who goes up.

Vote Leave would rather have Boris?

Anyone. Literally anyone.

Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler" every three minutes

they would prefer.

And when we've veered off into the world of TV,

what has John Whittingdale hit us up with this week?

A damn-good thrashing?

He's come up with the White Paper on broadcasting,

which is not as extreme as was trailed.

As so often with the Government,

they've said they're going to do one thing and then people have said,

"That's a terrible idea," and they've said,

"Oh, really? Oh, right. We won't do it,"

which is very good news.

But isn't there something quite strange in a government

that isn't talking to junior doctors

getting wound up about what time Strictly comes on?

Well, Whittingdale and Strictly are two words you should...

I did notice there was something about...

He did say, "We don't mind Strictly, but perhaps not Bargain Hunt."

I think that was actually mentioned in the White Paper.

It's just some old blokes just choosing what they like, isn't it?

What about if the BBC's popular programmes

had a kind of handicap system?

So they could make a property programme,

but it had to be set in the Gaza Strip.

Homes Under The Hamas.

For reasons that will become clear,

although they are admittedly extremely tenuous,

let's have a look at a block of flats being demolished in Glasgow,

as seen through the camera lens of one excited onlooker.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This week saw the official launch of the EU referendum campaigns.

David Cameron has implied that leaving the EU

could lead to World War III,

whereas Nigel Farage is hoping for a rerun of World War II.

This week, we saw the one sure sign a referendum is on its way,

as Gordon Brown was brought out of retirement

to dance on a ball like an old, abused circus bear.

You just can't let it go, can you?

Paul and Adil, here's another one for you.

Yes.

It's the Queen with the Chinese President, Hu.

The President.

There's Prince Philip doing the barest minimum.

Yeah, so it's about leaks, essentially, isn't it?

Well, not leaks, but sort of overheard conversations, isn't it?

Cameron also talked about corrupt government leaders

arriving for a conference and stuff.

Yes, this is the Prime Minister and the Queen have been caught on camera

sticking it to the jolly old foreigners.

I mean, it's an incredible story.

The Prime Minister was caught on camera telling the truth.

-JULIA:

-He's apologised.

-Shall we have a little look at what Cameron said?

-Yeah, absolutely.

But in fairness the Nigerian President has said, you know,

he doesn't want an apology,

just 4 billion and his credit card details, that's all he wants.

I have to say,

the Archbishop of Canterbury was trying to point out

to the Prime Minister that this particular Nigerian Prime Minister

was trying to stop corruption.

I mean, the way Cameron was selling it was trying to tell the Queen,

"This is going to be great,

"we've got the top corrupt people in the world coming."

To learn from us.

Yeah.

But what he demanded, the Nigerian President, he said,

"I don't want an apology, I'd like some of the money back."

Most of the Nigerian money flows into Britain

through the British colonies and ends up in houses in London,

schools, cars, dealerships.

He's saying, "If you could stop our kleptocrats

"spending all the money in your tax havens,

"then perhaps that would be a start."

At that point, Cameron remembered Mum and Dad, and...

..and probably went a bit quiet.

And it was just massive humbug, followed up with Bercow saying,

"Oh, I hope they're paying on their expenses."

Who was involved in a bit of an expenses scam?

Oh, it was the speaker, wasn't it?

-What did he do?

-What did he do?

He double flipped his house, he had to pay some of the money back.

I mean, these are all minor corruptions compared to

eight billion-trillion from Nigeria

-but they're in the same game, aren't they?

-They are.

What grounds did David Cameron have for calling Nigeria

and Afghanistan "fantastically corrupt"?

Facts.

-You're actually quite close to the real answer.

-Oh, really?

There's a transparency index of corrupt countries.

I think Afghanistan is third from the bottom,

Nigeria is a good way up. We're number ten.

Very proud.

Is that the ten most corrupt or...? What top ten are we in?

You move up the league like Leicester

and just suddenly come and surprise everyone.

Well, there's a great story where, apparently, the Pakistani delegation

went to the anti-corruption conference at the time.

Back then, at the end of the conference,

they would announce who are the most ranked anti-corrupt countries

in the world. They came to announce it.

The announcer goes, "Well, Pakistan started the conference

"at number seven,

"but having tried to bribe the anti-corruption committee..."

"they find themselves now at number two."

There's a theory that they maybe did it deliberately

to create a big stink around the Euro referendum.

I, sort of, think possibly Cameron is saving the Queen's death

for when he needs a really big news story.

I think he'll go for his weekly meeting one week,

he'll take a pillow out of his briefcase and say,

"I'm sorry, ma'am. ISIS have landed in Cornwall."

How did the Queen add to things?

The Queen was overheard saying the Chinese were a bit...tricky.

-Rude.

-Was that what she said?

-Yes, rude.

The royal family have got form when it comes to upsetting the Chinese.

Surprisingly, it's not Prince Philip. Can you remember who it was?

Prince Charles described the Chinese Communist leadership

as a bunch of ghastly old waxworks.

Was this just before the Ambassador then left?

Just before he complimented him on his chocolates.

We have a picture of Prince Charles making that remark.

There has been some good news for the Queen this week,

why is she looking so happy here?

She's become a Muslim, she is wearing a hijab so...

Horse racing, her horse won something.

-Did indeed, she won the Royal Windsor Horse Show.

-Ah.

-Well, not her, one of her horses.

-Yes.

That would be considered biased amongst the judges otherwise.

-And here's what she won.

-Mm.

A Tesco gift card.

This is the news that David Cameron and the Queen

have been filmed making indiscreet comments about foreigners.

This all came despite the fact that we're always told

the royal family are great for tourism and business.

Perhaps if we had a country worth visiting,

we wouldn't have to parade the products

of centuries of incest around to try to sell fridge magnets.

Has this turned into a party political?

On their last visit, the Chinese threatened to call the trip off.

The Queen said...

Then again, if you're trying to get Chinese people

to ask you for a Ferrero Rocher...

That's a Prince Philip joke.

Ian and Julia, here's another one for you.

-JULIA:

-Oh, exam stress.

-Yes.

Old-fashioned schooling.

Ah, fero.

Bend over, lad. This won't hurt.

And I think that's a U-turn.

This is another Government U-turn

to add to all the other ones.

-And this one's over...academies?

-Yes.

It was in the middle of the last Budget,

and I think it was thrown in to show that they do have some ideas,

even if they're very, very bad.

It's a new way of governing.

There was also some controversy around the Sats exams.

What happened to the reading test paper for seven-year-olds?

Oh, it was leaked. Someone gave it away.

A rogue examiner, apparently, looked at it on a website

-and then gave it away.

-I think the rogue examiner is now on the run

and is the Edward Snowden of telling people

how to spell "necessary".

Well, I got very stressed by exams last week

because it turns out an article I'd written a year ago

about why 16 and 17-year-olds should not be allowed to vote

went on an SQA,

a Scottish Qualifications Authority Higher English exam at GCSE,

and I only discovered this when the first sort of 20, 30,

40 abusive tweets came through.

And eventually after about 5,000 abusive tweets

I worked out what had happened.

But judging by their spelling,

because what is a "cnut" anyway?

-But, but judging by...

-Was it the history paper?

-It was history.

Judging by their spelling, I don't think many of the people

complaining about this actually passed the exam.

That's right, your article was in a Scottish exam

and apparently the answer was B,

bollocks.

APPLAUSE

It's interesting to meet you actually

because I only know you through your Telegraph column

and all I know is that people get more right-wing as they get older

so I'd always assumed that you were about 295 years old.

APPLAUSE

There was a piece that Molly Morris aged 11 wrote to the Guardian.

She said...

Yes, well done, Molly.

Although the full stop should have come after the brackets,

the exclamation mark is redundant

and it's the subjunctive mood, not form.

Actually the full stop shouldn't have come after the brackets,

that's a separate sentence in parenthesis. You're quite wrong.

To be fair, I didn't even write this so...

Well done, Molly.

In the last 12 months, the Government has done more U-turns

than Matt LeBlanc screeching around the Cenotaph.

24, in fact, so to celebrate this remarkable achievement,

shall we play a game with the U-turn randomiser?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Let's give it a dry run to help you get your heads around the concept.

Are these all achievable ambitions?

We're going to have a pop on the randomiser now

and feel free to buzz in if you know what the U-turn was.

Chicken. What was the U-turn about chicken?

It didn't cross the road?

It was the U-turn that they were forced to do on dropping

animal welfare codes, specifically on chicken farmed for meat.

-Oh.

-Now, instead of facing an agonising and brutal death,

chickens can look forward to a brutal death.

Let's have another pop on the randomiser.

Women.

They're allowed now, are they?

Surely not.

-Was this pensions for women?

-Er, no.

-Nope.

Because of EU rules, there's a qualification,

a categorisation of Tampax as luxury items.

And a lot of women say they're not luxury items,

they're a necessity, why are we paying tax on them?

And the equivalent items for men don't get taxed.

What equivalent items for men, Ian? Do...

Do tell.

Books about football.

The fact is that tampons aren't a luxury item

because no-one's ever taken them onto Desert Island Discs.

Let's have another last pop on the randomiser.

I'd be disappointed if gay sex wasn't the last one

cos otherwise what's it doing there?

It's now restricted between people of the same sex.

Before, anybody could join in but now they're really being quite rigid.

It was the U-turn that they did on poppers.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes!

In Parliament, they were having trouble forcing it through...

Do you know what would've helped with that? Poppers.

The Government was forced into a U-turn on academies.

The great thing about academies is that they can't be run at a profit,

so they only attract people who really want to raise standards

for students...or deny evolution or introduce Sharia law.

And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.

BELL RINGS

PAUL LAUGHS

-JULIA:

-This is genius. These sheep were stolen

but they had a photograph of the sheep that were stolen

and the police put it out

and they pixelated the faces of the sheep

for privacy reasons under the human rights legislation.

-Genuinely.

-It wasn't exactly sheep privacy. They said...

APPLAUSE

And deliciousness.

The police later revealed that it was a joke.

Meanwhile, what has the Greater Manchester Police been planning for?

Is this the possible terror attack in a shopping centre?

Yes, it is.

They've been carrying out a training exercise simulating

an IS-style attack on the Trafford shopping centre in Manchester.

Let's take a look.

Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar!

It's all just staged. They're all just actors, obviously,

but it was horrifyingly realistic

and some people got very annoyed. Do you think it was a bad idea?

Well, I spoke to all the Muslims before we came on tonight...

And they were split 50-50. 50-50 split.

A lot of people...a lot of Muslims are annoyed that they used

"Allahu Akbar", which I'm quite surprised by,

because if you are doing a training exercise

about possible people from ISIS, it's quite likely

that they might be shouting "Allahu Akbar",

so fair enough to the police, I think,

but a lot of Muslims are saying

"Allahu Akbar" is used for different things

and if you are in a shopping centre and you hear somebody shout it,

it could be they are about to bomb you

or it could be that they are about to pray,

-or there's a sale on at Next.

-Hmm.

So, that's only fair. They want to make sure there's a distinction.

One person tweeted...

Post-modern terrorism, that's what we want.

This is the news that the Greater Manchester Police

have carried out a terrorist training exercise.

If people think shouting "Allahu Akbar"

is going to cause pandemonium, try going to the Trafford Centre

and shouting that it's the last orders at Wetherspoons.

Fingers on the buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

-Absolutely no idea what this is about.

-No.

This is the news that the classic children crossing sign

-has been given a makeover.

-No!

The designer, Margaret Calvert, says the new-look sign is a...

Does anyone want to see it? Here's the 1962 original...

And here it is after the redesign...

-JULIA:

-That's uncanny.

And here they are together, with the new one on the right,

or the left, I've lost track slightly.

Can anyone spot the differences?

It's very unrealistic, though, cos kids don't walk to school anymore,

it should be a picture of a 4x4...

And an angry mum.

And they've got faces as well...

These kids wouldn't be able to find a road...

-Shouting at them where it was.

-Talking of spot the differences...

-Yes.

Greggs the bakers made a puzzle...

Can you see what's going on here?

This is a challenge they made.

Well, is it like a Rubik's Cube or something?

The challenge is - they are all steak bakes

but one is a cheese and onion slice.

There you go - moved on from the big stories.

This rule about BBC shows being distinctive, when does it kick in?

This is the news that the classic children crossing sign has been given a makeover.

I see so many silhouettes in the newspapers these days,

when I saw that sign I just assumed that one of them was a prostitute

and the other a well-known actor and family man.

Fingers on buzzers, teams...

BUZZER

Um, this is the woman who got a wedding gift from a guest

and it cost £100. And she basically complained and said it wasn't enough

and sent it back.

Yes, it's exactly that, she sent an e-mail that said...

The guest had recently received an inheritance and the bride's e-mail

to her went on...

I'd send an adjustment, yeah - zero!

Do you know what she replied?

Fuck off!

Meanwhile, why has a receptionist at a City firm been sent home

on her first day?

-She wasn't wearing high heels... Is that right?

-That's right.

She wasn't wearing high heels, which employment agency Portico

said was obligatory, but only for women.

This is the wedding guest who was sent an e-mail by the bride,

asking for an increase in her £100 gift.

The outraged guest has been asking advice for what to do next -

sleep with the husband? I don't know.

In other news, a City worker has been told she had

to wear high heels - the equalities officer of the company employing

Miss Thorp has since changed the policy and now says

workers can wear high-heeled shoes or, if they prefer,

plain, flat, ugly lesbian shoes.

It's up to them.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Ian and Julia, your four are

Pot Black snooker,

the Biami tribe,

the Natural Environment Research Council's polar research vessel

and the fossilised egg of an elephant bird.

-JULIA:

-Well, we know about the polar vessel,

because people voted for it to be called Boaty McBoatface

and Boring McBoringface in the Government decided that was wrong.

They're going to call it the Sir David Attenborough,

but that prompted a petition, rather wonderfully,

for Sir David Attenborough to change his name by deed poll

to Sir David McDavidface.

It's about changing your name.

It's not called Pot Black any more.

Every Colour Is Equal, it's called now.

Is it?

Is there a link to David Attenborough here?

Ah, yes! Cos David Attenborough was the controller of BBC Two

when he commissioned Pot Black back in 1969

because it was a programme made for colour TV.

-ADIL:

-Did he discover all these, apart from which one didn't he...

-JULIA:

-Boaty McBoatface.

He didn't discover that but he was named after it, or something.

Is the right answer.

APPLAUSE

They're all known thanks to the work of Sir David Attenborough,

apart from the UK's new polar research vessel,

which is going to be named after him.

I don't know if you've followed the whole Boaty McBoatface thing.

I thought it could have gone a lot worse

if you were asking the British public to decide on something.

They're lucky it wasn't called Harold Shipman.

I sort of, I sort of feel bad for not getting the joke.

Everybody loved it. But I just think putting Mc in front of

something doesn't necessarily make it funny.

Look at Michael McIntyre.

Naming contests are notorious for going awry.

What forced American fizzy drinks brand Mountain Dew

to ignore a public vote to name its new apple-flavoured drink in 2012?

It was won by the name...

Submitted by Ken!

-What was the drink - Mountain Jew, did you say?

-Mountain Dew.

A hitherto unknown Biami tribe of Papua New Guinea were

discovered by David Attenborough while filming a documentary in 1971.

What did David Attenborough do with the egg from the gigantic

but extinct elephant bird?

He had to put it together because...

-He did, yeah.

-Put it all back together.

He reconstructed it from over 1,000 pieces.

Here's what he started out with.

And here's his first attempt.

And then he made this.

Sir David was so delighted to hear that a boat had been named after him,

that he celebrated his birthday by cracking a bottle of champagne

across his own face.

What could be a more appropriate 90th birthday gift for

David Attenborough than to give his name to a polar research vessel,

as they both begin a long, cold journey to a place of endless night?

Happy birthday, Sir David.

Paul and Adil, here are yours -

420 billion slugs,

2,186 goats,

two wolves and one weasel.

Is the weasel the only one that nearly drowned in a bottle of milk?

Was the weasel the one that was in the Hadron Collider?

-It is.

-Ah, yes.

He ate through a cable and it stopped working, so...

These other things did something...

..that stopped something working.

-I can play this game, I can do that!

-And that's an exclusive.

So this is animals that have destroyed... Have broken in to

something or eaten something... That have created havoc.

So the wolves - they've broken up

the annual general meeting of Goldman Sachs.

-I'm sure I read something recently about big slugs or...

-Big slugs!

-Coming to attack us.

-Yeah, watch out, big slugs, yeah.

-Watch out, the big slugs are coming to kill us.

-Slugmania.

-Is that what happens if we leave the EU?

-You're absolutely on the right track...

Really...?

-They've all inconvenienced people except one.

-Ah, yes.

Apart from the goats.

-It's actually the wolves.

-Oh, yes.

They have all inconvenienced people apart from the wolves,

which are a positive boon for Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan.

-Oh!

-Ivan is going to perform, I think, tonight,

naked, with two presumably quite baffled wolves.

Hopefully well-fed wolves at this point.

-Hopefully well-drugged wolves.

-Yes.

What does Ivan say is key to performing naked with wolves?

Is it a show called Dangling With Wolves?

-Is that wolf wearing something in the nether regions?

-Yeah.

Is that like a thong or...?

He's wearing the other bloke's underpants.

-He is naked and the wolf's wearing a thong?

-Yeah!

That's what's going on there.

-The Eurovision knows its audience.

-It certainly does.

And that's a blue screen,

so God knows what the image will be like on the night.

What he said to the Mail Online was...

A new super breed of sex-mad, sleepless slugs

has arrived from Spain.

An alliterative threat.

Do you know how they got over here?

Really slowly.

They've just been tossed from garden to garden.

For some people, that's a summer holiday.

According to the Daily Mail, it was...

And why might these slugs be dangerous to road users?

The car crushes the slug, the slug gets caught up in the rubber,

the rubber and the slug interact together in the way that only

synthetic material and a live animal can and it all goes wrong.

Well, I'm going to give a point for that because actually,

they get run over on the road, other slugs come out to eat them

and it creates a...

Looking forward to that.

Do you know how 2,186 goats forced a plane to make an emergency landing?

Had a gun.

"I'm speaking for all the others behind me."

They set an emergency alarm off and the crew discovered the cause

of the arm wasn't a fire but the result of extreme levels of...

Nervous flyers?

A weasel disrupted the Large Hadron Collider last week.

The Large Hadron Collider has revealed a lot of previously

unknown information to scientists.

For example, we now know how to cook a weasel to perfection.

Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan, will perform with wolves.

The tragedy is he has said to his friends

so often in the past that he's going to be performing with wolves

at Eurovision that nobody believes him any more.

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

If, like me, you are a massive fan of parking conventions,

there's a brilliant one every day on the M25.

And we start with...

..are made before designer eggs.

-That's the old debate.

-Yeah, sorted that one out.

Thieves are targeting middle-class homes and stealing rare chickens.

Good.

Next up...

I love the fact the editor is called Van Horn of Parking Today.

That's brilliant.

That's a great defence of editors.

One of his colleagues in Parking Today writes that...

He must be shit at parking, then.

Next up:

Lack of paparazzi.

The world.

She's upset about a puddle outside her house.

Joan eventually filled the hole in quickly using

whatever the hell it is she puts on her face.

Next up:

By being replaced by other robots.

No.

If sex humanises machines,

then my Henry The Hoover should be able to cook me breakfast soon.

Next up:

Book on parallel parking has become a classic.

-ADIL:

-Professor Donald Shoup's book of

How I Never Want To Write A Classic has become a classic.

I'm going to give you a point for the first one

because the answer is...

-..is a classic in the parking industry.

-Oof!

I don't know anything about Professor Donald Shoup

but I guarantee his nickname at school was Cream Of Tomato.

And finally...

Tastes of bamboo and shit.

This is the news that you can now get panda tea made from poo.

Poo Tea is the name of the panda.

So, the final scores are...

Paul and Adil have eight points

and Ian and Julia have six points.

APPLAUSE

And I'll leave you with the news

that outside the Houses of Parliament,

a Tory aide desperately tries to stop the press

seeing what happens to Iain Duncan Smith after dark.

At a Buckingham Palace tea party,

there's relief that the cameraman

who captured the Queen's undiplomatic remarks

about the Chinese didn't look behind him.

And outside an abattoir in Birmingham,

Larry can't believe his luck

as his friends have remembered his birthday.

Goodnight.