Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 7

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gary Lineker.

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In the news this week -

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in Essex, one passenger takes the easy option

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after foolishly asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit.

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On his way to Crufts, one impatient driver gets stuck in a traffic jam.

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HORN BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY

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HORN STOPS

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HORN BEEPS AGAIN

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And as Russia apologises for its part in the doping scandal,

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trials begin with the only clean athletes left in the country.

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APPLAUSE

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So, let's find out how the teams line up.

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Captain Ian Hislop plays on the right,

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if the Government's on the left,

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and on the left, if the Government's on the right.

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And on Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says

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he appears on stage with nothing planned,

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other than about four random words on a piece of scrap paper,

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so Britain's answer to Donald Trump, please welcome Ross Noble.

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CHEERING

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And their opponents tonight, Captain Paul Merton.

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Like Jamie Vardy, who started off in an amateur steelworkers' team,

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Paul kicked off his career with a CSE in metalwork.

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On his team tonight is a journalist who won Celebrity Mastermind

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in a performance that reminded me of Alan Shearer.

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No passes.

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Please welcome Samira Ahmed.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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-Paul and Samira, take a look at this.

-Yep.

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Ah, yes, Boris Johnson, clearly never, ever used an iron

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or ever seen anyone use an iron.

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Er, that's Michael Heseltine with a vision of the future,

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and that's George Osborne's birthday party.

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This is what's going to happen if we don't vote in or out,

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depending on who's telling you.

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Boris says, "Basically, if we stay, it'll be like Hitler."

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And Heseltine says, "This is obscene and racist, possibly,

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"and a bit mad, and so..."

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Boris has got a touch of the Ken Livingstone's Tourette's.

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-Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!

-Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!

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It's like in the playground, if you're losing an argument,

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you say, "You're Hitler!

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"That's what he would've done. Hitler!"

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-That's what they did at Oxford, did they?

-They did.

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The things we miss out on.

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I think there's a thing about hair in there as well, isn't there?

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-There's a lot of hair, a lot of hair.

-I think there's been...

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Herr Hitler!

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APPLAUSE

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Congratulations. That's the first time that joke's been broadcast

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on the BBC since 1942.

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This is the continuing kerfuffle over the EU referendum.

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What did Michael Heseltine say about Boris Johnson this week?

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He appears to be losing his judgment, he said.

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People with long memories remember the days,

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back in the - was it late '70s? - when Michael Heseltine was swirling

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the mace about his head in the houses of Parliament?

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And rebelling against his own Prime Minister, Mrs Thatcher.

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Now he thinks you shouldn't rebel against your Prime Minister,

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if it's David Cameron.

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But he is getting old.

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Michael Heseltine and Boris Johnson

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do have other things in common, don't they?

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-He was also someone who thought he was going to be Prime Minister.

-Yes.

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-Like Boris.

-Mm.

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Imagine if, like, if Boris becomes Prime Minister

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and Trump becomes President, could you imagine,

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just on a windy day, what that's going to look like?

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It's just going to be like...

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..just swirling.

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What else annoyed Michael Heseltine?

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Heseltine didn't like what Boris said about bananas.

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He said that, oh, because of the EU, you can't sell them

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in more than threes, and actually it's fours, isn't it?

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He said you can ONLY sell them in threes?

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-But hang on, that's just wrong!

-You can just buy a nice single banana.

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Yeah, you don't have to, like... "Three bananas for the weekend?"

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That's not, you know...

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-That's...

-It is indeed about the bananas. He said...

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How did David Miliband get involved?

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He was photographed several years ago holding a banana

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and that was the end of his political career.

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For reasons I never completely, fully understood.

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David Miliband tweeted a kind of lesson to Boris, to say,

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"I'd steer clear of bananas, if I were you."

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That's exactly right.

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After all the talk of Hitler,

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how did David Cameron bring a sense of perspective to the debate?

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World War III.

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-No, he upped it from World War III.

-World War IV?

-Isis.

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He said Isis would like it if we left.

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Well, he said that Vladimir Putin

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and the leader of the Islamic State would vote with Boris.

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That's going to be a photo opportunity

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on the morning, isn't it?

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All those jihadis there, like that.

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IMITATES BORIS JOHNSON

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What do the Leave campaign see as their dream scenario?

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Don't know. Must be bubonic plague.

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Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage on the same platform

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is their dream scenario,

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a source from the grassroots Out campaign has said.

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..like the X-Men.

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Speaking of which,

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what special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?

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He went home...

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-..at the time that his wife was expecting him.

-Don't be ridiculous!

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Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter

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thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars.

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Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman.

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APPLAUSE

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-That's... That's scary.

-Yeah, that really is.

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For the first time, I'm actually frightened.

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What is Boris doing here?

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-He was angle grinding this week, wasn't he?

-Was he?

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-He was, yeah. He was physically...

-Is this just a bit of gossip or...?

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No, he was on an angle grinder and I'm not referring to a dating site.

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He was...

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That is a giant cheque.

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I think he's trying to make the point that in Europe,

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you waste £350 million a week, but actually that doesn't include

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the rebate or any of the money that the EU pays us back,

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-so this figure is not true.

-Mmm.

-But he doesn't mind.

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But they were burning it in a giant fire, to say,

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"Hey, your money is going up in metaphors."

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Yes, he is burning a cheque for £350 million in a furnace,

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which is what Man United may as well have done this season.

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It's supposed to represent the amount...

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Do you want to explain that to those two?

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-They've got no idea what you're talking about.

-No, we'll pick it up.

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-It's football.

-Yes, the Alan Shearer joke, very funny.

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No passes.

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APPLAUSE

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There was a thing, wasn't it, with that Leicester lot, wasn't it?

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They did well, didn't they?

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As you mention it, they did all right, yeah.

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I didn't watch the parade on telly, I followed it on the internet.

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You could track Danny Simpson's tag just on there.

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Just...

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People getting off doing community service, eugh!

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-Tricky.

-Just as well where you come from, isn't it?

-Oh, there we go.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

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-Anyway, back to business...

-Your... Your crisps are shit!

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Where were we? Yes, Ian...

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We were just raising the level of the debate.

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-Indeed.

-Let's go back to the EU, the exciting EU.

-Oh, the EU, yes.

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Boris Johnson, here he is discussing the details

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in typical fashion with ITV's Tom Bradby.

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Let's deal with your arguments -

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-one of them is on the side of this bus.

-Yes.

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"We send 350 million to Europe."

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-We don't.

-We do.

-And you know we don't.

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-No, we don't, you know we don't.

-No, no.

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Admit that that figure is grotesquely misleading, at best.

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I won't. I won't.

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Did you see that he sat on a report

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into London's air pollution problems,

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and that some of the worst-polluted areas in London are most deprived?

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Yes. I mean, he commissioned the report,

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and it didn't say what he wanted, so, quite rightly, he sat on it.

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-Do you have a problem with that?

-No.

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Just nice to have that other side of Boris

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-to be brought out, too.

-Absolutely.

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Which social media outlets is David Cameron thinking of using

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-to help him?

-Oh, it was the, the...

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-the... Tinder, isn't it?

-Mm-hm.

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Yeah, he's... No, seriously, he's...

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Yeah, he wants to use the Tinder, so, if you like what he says,

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you swipe whichever way the people that want to find the love swipe...

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-Yeah, not just Tinder, also the Lad Bible.

-What's the Lad Bible?

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-Is it like the Gutenberg Bible?

-It's like a Bible for lads.

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Oh, I thought it was a town in north-east Germany.

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He's going to...

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He's going to use them to encourage young people to vote.

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It's full of top bants and essential kit!

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There you go.

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What?!

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What?!

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Hands above the table, everybody, please.

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Yeah, I think the mistake he's made there is the giveaway,

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he's doing a thumbs up, isn't he?

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He's not working as a waiter in a cafe, is he, by any chance?

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Aren't men really terrible?

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-APPLAUSE

-Dear, oh, dear!

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-I think we should move on.

-Yeah, no!

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The Times analysed the deepening split within the Conservative Party

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and how it might affect some members of the Cabinet.

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Who do they think will be the casualties?

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-Gove.

-Yes.

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-John Whittingdale.

-That'll be sad.

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Chris Grayling's all right, isn't he? Because he's...

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Oh, no, he's not.

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Well, here is the Times' analysis.

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But that's where he likes it!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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This is the calm, measured debate over Britain's EU membership,

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which, in the last few days,

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has featured Hitler, Isis and World War III.

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Michael Heseltine has accused Boris Johnson of...

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The intervention sent shock waves through Westminster

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as people realised that Michael Heseltine was still alive.

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There was good news for the Remain camp this week

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when a new poll gave them a 4% lead -

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although there are plenty of people who don't want to be in Europe.

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I saw 11 of them playing for Liverpool on Wednesday.

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APPLAUSE

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-Anything?

-Very good.

-Very good.

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Ian and Ross, take a look at this.

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-It's the Queen.

-Shiny thing, there.

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-Queen's Speech.

-In a coach... Oh, hello!

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What's going on there?

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-Her Majesty's pleasure - people being locked up.

-Yeah.

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I think this is the contents of the Queen's Speech.

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Which was quite short.

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There wasn't a great deal there.

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She basically said, "I'll see you after the referendum."

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But, you know, it's always nice

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to watch an old woman in very heavy clothing.

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-Yeah.

-You know?

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It's always a bit of fun, isn't it?

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-With a massive, heavy thing on her, and a big crown.

-Yeah.

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"Go on, love, get up them stairs."

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-You know? It's sort of like a sparkly It's A Knockout.

-Yeah.

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And she reads the sort of cards very well.

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I mean, we could have her on here, I think she'd do brilliantly.

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If we put them on vellum.

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What's vellum?

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It's a cross between valium and helium.

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So, it, um...

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It relaxes you, but you do float away.

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And that's why she has to wear all the heavy clothes.

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Cos otherwise, she's off.

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-You know?

-Gone.

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-Yeah.

-It is the 65th Queen's Speech at the State Opening of Parliament.

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What did Justice Secretary Michael Gove...

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What fingerprints did he have all over it?

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Well, there are some quite sensible prison reform measures,

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which, you know, might happen.

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Or they might not - they might do a U-turn,

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and bring the Queen back,

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and say, "My Government won't be doing any of this."

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Because now, all prisons, they all have to become academies.

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That's the plan. Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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What is being proposed under the Star Trek Bill

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in the Queen's Speech?

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Oh, is that the spaceport?

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-Mm.

-The Cornwall Spaceport.

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That's the thing that lets it down slightly -

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"Spaceport! In Cornwall..."

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Where is the new intergalactic Gatwick likely to be built?

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Gatwick.

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If it's the intergalactic Gatwick, there'll be a row about it,

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and it might be the intergalactic Heathrow.

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SCATTERED LAUGHTER

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Thank you very much.

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But then there'll be a special suggestion of Boris Space Island.

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Yes!

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Which'll be like in Thunderbirds.

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Floating like a giant blond thatch...

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that opens, and a big rocket comes out.

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He's standing there with his angle grinder.

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"Thunderbirds are Gove."

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APPLAUSE

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-It's Newquay in Cornwall.

-Newquay.

-Newquay.

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Although, as The Sun pointed out...

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What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?

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It was... It was the Queen's life, all with...

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-Told with horses.

-Told with horses.

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I tell you what, I...

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The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen."

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HE WHINNIES

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But there were 900 horses -

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-they had the entire mounted police from Canada came in.

-Yeah.

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Where were those ones who did the tricks from?

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Azerbaijanis or something?

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-Yeah...

-Or Kazakhstan...

-They were good.

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..and the thing about it, as you say -

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like, I'm not, like, a massive royalist, but I was just thinking...

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Like, I love Prince Harry, right? I think he's brilliant.

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Probably for all the wrong reasons...

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And I thought, it would be amazing if he one day ended up as King,

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because to have his life acted out by horses...

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It would... Could you imagine?

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-APPLAUSE

-Just...

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And Ant and Dec narrated, with Sir Alan Titchmarsh.

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-Is he Sir Alan?

-No, surely not.

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Oh, sorry.

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-Alan Titchmarsh.

-Yeah.

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-Al.

-Al.

-Yeah.

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He was only there cos he was going to take the manure.

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He wasn't in the line-up,

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he was stood there with a bucket, like that.

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"Do you want a knighthood?"

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"No, I'm fine, get me a shovel."

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Yes, it was a special gala for Her Majesty's 90th birthday.

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The evening was hosted by Ant and Dec.

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This guy was there.

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-The King of Bahrain?

-The King of Bahrain...

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Oh, I thought it was Super Mario.

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I thought he was just... He thought there was a princess in danger.

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That photograph does look like

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she's holding up a face of him, doesn't it?

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That's human rights abuser and close friend of the Royal family,

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-King Hamad of Bahrain.

-Yeah.

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What's he looking at there? What's happened?

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Oh, I think the Bahraini police did a baton charge.

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Mounted. It was fantastic. Quite bloody.

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There was actually an unexpected explosion during the performance...

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which was so loud it almost made Princess Beatrice

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look up from her phone.

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But not quite.

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Just going, "Another horse.

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"LOL."

0:17:290:17:31

Back to government news -

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and what does smoked haddock, pilaf, a cheese and ham omelette

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and fruit cobbler have in common?

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They all want us to leave Europe.

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-Let's hear them again.

-Yeah, say them again.

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-Smoked haddock...

-Generation Game. Smoked haddock...

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-..pilaf...

-..pilaf...

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Actually, I think that's "smoked haddock pilaf".

0:17:490:17:52

Ah!

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Doesn't he play for Spain?

0:17:560:17:58

Keep going.

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..a cheese and ham omelette and fruit cobbler have in common?

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-Oh, I know.

-You know.

-Yeah.

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-Fruit.

-They were all...

-Come on, think about it.

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-They were all recipes...

-Yes.

-..on the BBC's website.

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-Mm.

-Oh, very good.

-Um, that...

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ROSS LAUGHS

0:18:130:18:15

HE GRUNTS

0:18:150:18:16

Well, have you tried some of them?

0:18:180:18:20

There's a huge outrage over the BBC

0:18:200:18:22

supposedly taking some recipes offline, when you could buy a book.

0:18:220:18:25

The theory that the BBC just putting them on its commercial arm,

0:18:250:18:29

where they were maybe planning to do it all along.

0:18:290:18:31

It was the anger that people had.

0:18:310:18:33

It was like the BBC went,

0:18:330:18:35

"We're going to dangle Mary Berry by the ankles

0:18:350:18:37

"off a multistorey car park."

0:18:370:18:39

What will I do without the recipe?

0:18:400:18:42

I mean, Nigella's avocado on toast...

0:18:420:18:45

I've got the toast. I've got the avocado.

0:18:450:18:47

What do I do? I mean...

0:18:470:18:49

I don't know how it works.

0:18:490:18:51

Here's what to do, right? Pick the ones you like. Print them out.

0:18:510:18:54

Shut your face.

0:18:540:18:55

Just quickly, while we're on the subject of television,

0:18:560:18:59

what happened on Countdown this week?

0:18:590:19:01

Rude word. It's got to be a rude word. It's always a rude word.

0:19:010:19:04

Bumhole.

0:19:040:19:05

There's no need for that! I only asked a question.

0:19:050:19:08

Yeah, well, there it is - evidence.

0:19:080:19:10

-What, did that just come up?

-Yeah.

0:19:130:19:15

And ironically, if you use the X, Bumhole X is actually a website.

0:19:150:19:20

And finally, during an interview with Piers Morgan,

0:19:260:19:29

what did Donald Trump do?

0:19:290:19:32

-Oh, God.

-Did he lose the will to live?

-He burped?

0:19:320:19:36

Let's see what the odious megalomaniac had to say

0:19:380:19:41

to the possible future President.

0:19:410:19:43

We have a new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, he's the first Muslim Mayor.

0:19:440:19:48

-Congratulations.

-He's been quite critical of you, as you know.

0:19:480:19:51

He's attacked you for being ignorant,

0:19:510:19:53

he says that if you're President, you'll make both our countries...

0:19:530:19:56

Let's do an IQ test.

0:19:560:19:57

He says you will make both our countries less safe.

0:19:590:20:02

He says, "I hope Donald Trump loses the election.

0:20:020:20:05

"My message to Donald Trump and his team is,

0:20:050:20:07

-"your views of Islam are ignorant."

-All right.

0:20:070:20:11

Well, when he won, I wished him well.

0:20:110:20:13

Now, I don't care about him,

0:20:130:20:15

I mean, it doesn't make any difference to me about him.

0:20:150:20:17

Let's see how he does, let's see if he's a good Mayor.

0:20:170:20:19

Are you offended by what he says?

0:20:190:20:21

I am, because he doesn't know me, never met me,

0:20:210:20:23

doesn't know what I'm all about.

0:20:230:20:24

I think they are very rude statements, and frankly,

0:20:240:20:28

tell him I will remember those statements.

0:20:280:20:30

-Wow.

-There are just so many levels on Trump that you can't begin to start.

0:20:320:20:37

He's called ignorant and he says let's do an IQ test?

0:20:370:20:40

Doesn't measure knowledge!

0:20:400:20:44

It measures basic intelligence - which he would lose.

0:20:440:20:47

Absolutely extraordinary.

0:20:480:20:50

He's inconsistent, wrong, hopeless,

0:20:500:20:52

accuses other people of being rude when he is.

0:20:520:20:54

"He called me this because he didn't know me,"

0:20:540:20:57

and Trump had suggested

0:20:570:20:58

that all Muslims in the entire world were terrorists.

0:20:580:21:01

Did he know them? Had he met them all?

0:21:010:21:04

APPLAUSE

0:21:040:21:06

This week, the BBC responded to the Government's White Paper

0:21:080:21:12

and has begun the process of removing any content

0:21:120:21:15

that is regarded as pointless and...

0:21:150:21:17

HIGH-PITCHED TONE

0:21:170:21:21

Unbelievable.

0:21:210:21:22

There's also been a row over recipes on the BBC website.

0:21:290:21:32

Sources at the BBC include...

0:21:320:21:34

bolognese, carbonara...

0:21:340:21:36

..and pesto.

0:21:380:21:39

Although I think he's just joined ITV.

0:21:390:21:41

So on to round two, the Randomiser Of News.

0:21:410:21:45

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:21:450:21:47

BUZZER

0:21:490:21:51

This was the bomb hoax.

0:21:510:21:53

They were doing an exercise for fake bombs

0:21:530:21:56

and then they found it wasn't cleared away

0:21:560:21:59

and then they blew it up, despite the fact that it had a sticker on it

0:21:590:22:02

that said, "This is a fake bomb."

0:22:020:22:04

But they blew it up just in case it was, like, a clever double bluff.

0:22:040:22:09

Cos that's what the Isis, they do that.

0:22:090:22:11

They'll write, "This is fine,"

0:22:110:22:13

and just leave it.

0:22:130:22:15

-Yeah.

-Looking at the picture there, though,

0:22:160:22:19

it's quite surprising that nobody saw it earlier, isn't it?

0:22:190:22:21

Yeah.

0:22:210:22:23

And also, they were testing to see whether the sniffer dogs,

0:22:230:22:27

you know, a test, and they didn't find it.

0:22:270:22:29

So what does that tell us

0:22:290:22:31

about how good the sniffer dogs are that they were using?

0:22:310:22:34

But there wasn't any explosive in there,

0:22:340:22:36

that's why they didn't find it.

0:22:360:22:37

Well, why did they hide it, then?

0:22:370:22:40

I don't know.

0:22:400:22:41

So they just hid a bomb that didn't have anything in it...

0:22:410:22:44

It could have been just the organiser going to the toilet,

0:22:440:22:47

putting it down...

0:22:470:22:49

Yeah, that's true, we've all left a fake bomb in the toilet.

0:22:490:22:51

Security expert Christopher Reid

0:22:530:22:55

had run a training exercise for sniffer dogs

0:22:550:22:57

in which he hid 14 dummy bombs around Old Trafford.

0:22:570:23:00

But when it came to collecting the bombs,

0:23:000:23:02

it turns out Chris overlooked one crucial dummy.

0:23:020:23:05

Himself.

0:23:050:23:07

He left his phone number on the bomb.

0:23:070:23:10

Would you be brave enough to ring that number, though?

0:23:100:23:12

"Oh, here's this thing. It looks like a bomb.

0:23:120:23:14

"Call this number. Oh..."

0:23:140:23:16

It's like an Isis chatline.

0:23:170:23:19

"Do you want to meet jihadis in your area?"

0:23:210:23:24

How did the police deal with the bomb?

0:23:310:23:33

They said the bomb was drunk and it was his own fault for being there.

0:23:330:23:35

Well, according to the Daily Mail, the bomb was dealt with...

0:23:390:23:41

As opposed to the uncontrolled explosion, which took place

0:23:430:23:46

when whoever found it opened the toilet door.

0:23:460:23:49

Why was Moses Kamara particularly upset by the bomb scare?

0:23:500:23:55

Because he travelled from Sierra Leone, or somewhere like that?

0:23:550:23:59

He travelled from...

0:23:590:24:01

-One of Manchester United's more local fans.

-Yeah!

0:24:010:24:03

And, yeah, he...

0:24:030:24:06

So, yeah, he travelled for days to get there,

0:24:060:24:09

and then he broke down and wept outside the stadium, and then

0:24:090:24:14

some local fellas came along and said, "Let us take you in."

0:24:140:24:18

And they put him in a small wicker basket and they put him

0:24:180:24:22

on the Manchester Ship Canal...

0:24:220:24:26

..and they floated him off.

0:24:270:24:29

No, they, they...

0:24:290:24:31

They...

0:24:310:24:33

Um...

0:24:330:24:34

APPLAUSE

0:24:340:24:38

-Brilliant.

-Is that the answer?

-Brilliant.

0:24:380:24:40

Yes, he'd flown all the way from Sierra Leone to watch the match,

0:24:400:24:43

obviously, you know, although other fans did chip in to allow him

0:24:430:24:47

to stay longer for the rearranged game on Tuesday.

0:24:470:24:50

In happier football news,

0:24:500:24:51

why were 240,000 Leicester fans on the street this week?

0:24:510:24:55

Cos homelessness in Leicester has gone through the roof.

0:24:560:25:00

They're very happy.

0:25:050:25:07

-Yes. Delirious.

-Yeah, cos they won.

0:25:070:25:10

Mm. What did they win, Ian?

0:25:100:25:12

-They won the thing.

-What is "the thing" called?

0:25:120:25:14

They won the Premiership. I know this, they won the...

0:25:140:25:17

-Premier League.

-You're not allowed to call it the Premiership.

0:25:170:25:19

Why aren't you allowed to call it the Premiership?

0:25:190:25:22

Well, it was one of those branding things.

0:25:220:25:23

-They changed it quite a few years ago.

-Right. I see.

0:25:230:25:26

And they get a bit upset if you call it the Premiership.

0:25:260:25:28

And the "Premier-ship" is now called Sir David Attenborough.

0:25:280:25:31

Yes, they were celebrating Leicester's extraordinary success.

0:25:350:25:39

There was a performance, actually, from local band Kasabian,

0:25:390:25:41

a gospel choir singing football songs and, of course,

0:25:410:25:44

super fan Lee Jobber with his top off.

0:25:440:25:46

Oh, yeah.

0:25:480:25:50

EVERYONE GROANS IN DISGUST

0:25:510:25:53

I see he's mimicking the trophy from behind by the...

0:25:530:25:56

bulges.

0:25:560:25:57

They might get relegated next year. That'd be funny, wouldn't it?

0:25:570:26:01

Don't you have to present without your clothes on?

0:26:080:26:10

-Erm, yeah.

-Yeah, that's right.

0:26:110:26:13

She's very keen.

0:26:130:26:15

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

0:26:150:26:18

But, yeah, I can't wait.

0:26:180:26:19

Why don't you ever just bet on things like,

0:26:190:26:22

"I'll give you a fiver if..."?

0:26:220:26:24

-But are you actually going to do it?

-Yeah.

0:26:240:26:27

-Well, you'll have to wait and see, won't you?

-Here's an idea.

0:26:270:26:29

Why don't you get that fat bloke to stand in front of you?

0:26:290:26:32

Perfect!

0:26:330:26:35

Perfect!

0:26:360:26:38

This is the fake bomb that caused a Premier League game

0:26:380:26:40

at Old Trafford to be suspended.

0:26:400:26:42

Thousands of disappointed Manchester United fans left Old Trafford

0:26:420:26:46

without having seen their team play any football.

0:26:460:26:49

Again.

0:26:490:26:51

The boss of the security firm responsible has had little sympathy

0:26:520:26:56

for making such a glaring mistake.

0:26:560:26:58

Although he did receive one call of support

0:26:580:27:00

from the former head of

0:27:000:27:01

Listening Out For Drilling Noises At Hatton Garden.

0:27:010:27:05

Meanwhile, someone called Leicester

0:27:090:27:11

were celebrating winning the Premier League

0:27:110:27:13

with an open-top bus parade through the city.

0:27:130:27:16

According to the Mirror, some Leicester fans were...

0:27:160:27:18

Sadly, so were some Tottenham fans.

0:27:200:27:23

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:27:230:27:24

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:27:240:27:26

Here's the next one...

0:27:260:27:27

Yeah, that was... That was a bit much.

0:27:270:27:30

BUZZER

0:27:320:27:34

This is students who, for health and safety reasons,

0:27:340:27:38

aren't allowed to throw their mortarboards up into the air.

0:27:380:27:42

And they are going to put them all in afterwards. You just act it out.

0:27:420:27:45

You must have had it in your time.

0:27:450:27:47

I bet you've had a spinning mortarboard flying towards you,

0:27:470:27:49

Like a ninja throw star.

0:27:490:27:52

If anyone ever dared do that,

0:27:520:27:54

Ian's butler would have caught it straightaway.

0:27:540:27:56

But it's a great bit where you throw it up in the air.

0:27:560:27:59

-Is it?

-Well, don't look at me like that.

0:27:590:28:01

You know I've not been to university.

0:28:010:28:03

That was horrible, the way you did that.

0:28:030:28:05

"It's a great bit, Ross."

0:28:050:28:06

"Did you throw your trunks in the air

0:28:080:28:10

"when you got your five-metre swimming certificate?"

0:28:100:28:13

-I...

-APPLAUSE

0:28:140:28:18

This is the news that students graduating

0:28:180:28:20

from the University of East Anglia

0:28:200:28:22

will no longer be able to throw their mortarboards

0:28:220:28:24

in the air due to health and safety.

0:28:240:28:26

How many people have been hit?

0:28:260:28:28

-It can't have been many, can it?

-No.

0:28:280:28:29

And by that stage, you're not meant to be able to feel it.

0:28:290:28:32

What did Louisa Baldwin, Student Law Society President,

0:28:350:28:38

have to say about it all?

0:28:380:28:40

-CHOKING:

-I...

0:28:400:28:41

I've got a mortarboard in my neck!

0:28:410:28:44

It's in my neck! Pull it out!

0:28:440:28:45

HE CHOKES

0:28:470:28:51

It's like that, yeah?

0:28:550:28:57

Close.

0:29:010:29:03

She said...

0:29:030:29:04

She added, "It's not worse than...

0:29:100:29:12

Graduates have been told to mime a throwing action

0:29:170:29:20

and the mortarboards will be photoshopped in later.

0:29:200:29:23

According to The Times, they will be charged £8 for the service,

0:29:230:29:27

angering students, who will now leave university

0:29:270:29:31

with a debt of £40,008.

0:29:310:29:32

There was also disappointment this week for West Ham fans,

0:29:340:29:37

who have been told, from now on,

0:29:370:29:39

just to mime a throwing action

0:29:390:29:41

and the bottles will be photoshopped in later.

0:29:410:29:44

Time now for the odd one out round, it's just one between you this week.

0:29:450:29:50

Your four are -

0:29:500:29:51

Leicester postman Lee Chapman,

0:29:510:29:53

Guy Goma,

0:29:530:29:55

Goat Man

0:29:550:29:56

and Donald Trump.

0:29:560:29:58

BUZZER

0:29:580:29:59

Well, this is about lookalikes, because the first one, the postman,

0:29:590:30:03

is a lookalike for Jamie Vardy and now, Guy, the top right, Guy,

0:30:030:30:07

he was the bloke that was interviewed

0:30:070:30:09

on the BBC by mistake, wasn't he?

0:30:090:30:11

There was somebody else called Guy waiting in reception.

0:30:110:30:14

-So, what was the third one? What was the goat?

-Goat Man.

0:30:140:30:17

-The worst superhero in the Marvel Universe.

-Yes.

0:30:170:30:22

"Somebody needs to climb that rock, and quickly!" Um...

0:30:230:30:28

I don't know, Goat Man is the odd one out,

0:30:280:30:30

-because there is only one Goat Man?

-No.

-OK, it's Guy.

0:30:300:30:33

-He is the odd one out.

-Why?

-Because he wasn't deliberately doing it.

0:30:330:30:37

Yes, they all pretended to be something that they are not,

0:30:370:30:39

except Guy Goma, who was mistaken for a technology

0:30:390:30:42

expert on the BBC News Channel ten years ago this week.

0:30:420:30:45

-And you clearly want to see the Guy Goma...?

-Yeah.

-So, here it is.

0:30:450:30:50

So, what does this all mean for the industry

0:30:500:30:52

and the growth of music online? Well, Guy Kewney is the editor

0:30:520:30:55

of the technology website News Wireless.

0:30:550:30:58

-Hello, good morning to you.

-Good morning.

0:30:580:31:00

Were you surprised by this verdict today?

0:31:000:31:03

I'm very surprised to see this verdict to come on me,

0:31:030:31:07

because I wasn't expecting that.

0:31:070:31:10

When I came, they told me something else, and I'm coming,

0:31:100:31:13

"You've got an interview," so it is a very big surprise anyway.

0:31:130:31:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:170:31:20

According to Wikipedia...

0:31:240:31:25

But News International said they could use him.

0:31:330:31:36

Donald Trump recently tried to deny the suggestion that he once

0:31:360:31:40

pretended to be his own PR man.

0:31:400:31:43

How was he trying to boost his own image?

0:31:430:31:45

He was ringing people up and putting on a silly voice.

0:31:450:31:48

-Or another silly voice! And saying, "The Trump is great."

-Fantastic.

0:31:480:31:53

Yeah, no, I think that's true, isn't it?

0:31:530:31:55

Talking about him as though he was a great womaniser, I think, was the...

0:31:550:31:58

-Oh, right!

-Well, according to what I have here.

0:31:580:32:01

It says, going under the name John Miller in a phone conversation

0:32:010:32:04

with a journalist in 1991, he claimed that his boss, Donald Trump,

0:32:040:32:08

was "irresistible to women", including the model Carla Bruni.

0:32:080:32:12

What did Donald Trump say last week

0:32:120:32:14

when the tape of the telephone interview resurfaced?

0:32:140:32:18

-He just denied it again.

-Yeah, pretty much. He said...

0:32:180:32:22

Which is interesting, because in back 1991,

0:32:280:32:30

he called up the journalist and said...

0:32:300:32:32

Which would make a good slogan for his election campaign.

0:32:350:32:38

What made designer and artist Thomas Thwaites want to turn himself

0:32:430:32:47

-into a goat?

-A desire to communicate with the god Pan.

0:32:470:32:52

Who would appear in goat form.

0:32:520:32:56

He was feeling a bit fed up and thought,

0:32:560:32:58

wouldn't it be nice to be an animal for a bit?

0:32:580:33:00

According to the Sunday Times...

0:33:000:33:02

Can you just walk into the Wellcome Trust any day of the week

0:33:150:33:18

and just take a sack with you?

0:33:180:33:21

-Fill it up with cash!

-Yeah.

0:33:230:33:24

That's why they're called the Wellcome Trust!

0:33:240:33:26

They used to be called the You've Seen Us Coming Trust.

0:33:260:33:29

Do you want to see how convincing he was as a goat? Well, here he is.

0:33:300:33:35

The book, Goat Man, is now available priced £14.99.

0:33:380:33:42

It's been given a glowing review by one goat,

0:33:420:33:45

who described it as delicious.

0:33:450:33:48

For a while, Goat Man was on Twitter under the username @BillyGoat,

0:33:500:33:54

but gave up after a nasty experience with a troll.

0:33:540:33:57

AUDIENCE GROAN

0:33:570:33:59

What made Lee Chapman think he was a good lookalike for Jamie Vardy?

0:33:590:34:02

-Jamie Vardy is a Leicester player, Ian.

-Yes.

0:34:020:34:04

-Scored lots of goals this season.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:34:040:34:07

-Just to let you know that.

-And he looks just like him.

-He does.

0:34:070:34:10

I imagine, because he is a postman, people are always saying,

0:34:100:34:12

"Oh, you look just like Jamie Vardy."

0:34:120:34:14

-That's how these lookalikes usually start.

-That's exactly what it is.

0:34:140:34:17

He was making deliveries as a postman and local kids were shouting,

0:34:170:34:21

"You look like Jamie Vardy!" Exactly right.

0:34:210:34:23

Lee Chapman is now available for appearances as Jamie Vardy,

0:34:230:34:26

and if you want to pay cash,

0:34:260:34:28

just put the money in a birthday card addressed to someone else.

0:34:280:34:31

How else are Leicester fans capitalising on their team's victory?

0:34:310:34:35

Well, some fans actually are selling jars of Leicester City air.

0:34:350:34:40

They... ROSS CACKLES

0:34:400:34:42

-Sorry, I'm not...

-It's going well.

0:34:420:34:45

They just opened the lid in the ground and closed it again,

0:34:450:34:48

but it was still a better atmosphere than you get at Arsenal.

0:34:480:34:50

AUDIENCE GROAN

0:34:500:34:53

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features,

0:34:560:34:59

as its guest publication, Village People.

0:34:590:35:02

The Village People magazine advertises places

0:35:020:35:05

to holiday in Norfolk,

0:35:050:35:07

although don't believe them when they say

0:35:070:35:09

that it's fun to stay at the YMCA.

0:35:090:35:10

And we start with...

0:35:120:35:13

Dick.

0:35:150:35:17

What?

0:35:170:35:19

It's one of those recipes.

0:35:190:35:22

Queen...

0:35:220:35:23

I think you ought to clear that one up.

0:35:230:35:25

You're not talking about Princess Margaret here, you know.

0:35:260:35:30

That's the knighthood gone, Hislop.

0:35:300:35:32

Phew. Erm...

0:35:320:35:33

Is it - "Queen spotted in the same way as a leopard"?

0:35:330:35:37

Yeah.

0:35:370:35:39

"Nice top."

0:35:390:35:42

Yes, "Queen spotted in nice top"!

0:35:420:35:44

-That's a good news story(!)

-Is the wrong answer.

0:35:440:35:47

The answer is - "Queen was spotted in a puddle in Wales".

0:35:470:35:50

A care-worker, Linda Hough, was putting out the washing

0:35:500:35:54

when she spotted a perfect outline of the Queen's head

0:35:540:35:57

in a damp patch on the floor.

0:35:570:35:58

Her head appears to be on a stake.

0:36:010:36:03

Yes.

0:36:030:36:05

-It's a rather Republican puddle.

-Yes.

0:36:060:36:09

Next...

0:36:090:36:11

"A guillotine."

0:36:130:36:15

No-one spots the dandruff,

0:36:220:36:24

because everyone is thinking you've been shat on by a seagull.

0:36:240:36:27

Next...

0:36:280:36:30

"Incest."

0:36:340:36:35

-Dance around a bit? ALL:

-Morris dancing!

0:36:400:36:42

Morris dancing.

0:36:420:36:43

Well, after we've had incest, it's got to be, hasn't it?

0:36:430:36:48

This is an article from Village People

0:36:480:36:50

on the Golden Star morris dancing troupe.

0:36:500:36:53

The worry is, if we got rid of morris dancing,

0:36:530:36:55

we would lose one of the country's most popular pastimes -

0:36:550:36:58

laughing at morris dancers.

0:36:580:37:00

Next...

0:37:000:37:02

"Old Stinker is the most popular aftershave."

0:37:040:37:07

"Old Stinker is the luckiest Labrador...in Hull."

0:37:110:37:16

-Nope.

-No?

-But you're getting closer, a lot closer.

0:37:160:37:19

"Old Stinker is the unluckiest Labrador in Hull."

0:37:190:37:23

Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull...

0:37:260:37:30

HE LAUGHS

0:37:300:37:32

How did you not know that?

0:37:320:37:33

..have been put down to fabrication.

0:37:330:37:37

Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull are thought to be a mythical

0:37:370:37:41

local beast known as Old Stinker.

0:37:410:37:44

It's going to be a great film, though - American Werewolf In Hull.

0:37:440:37:49

"What have you done with your waistcoat?

0:37:500:37:53

"It's all ripped down the back, Arnold.

0:37:530:37:56

"I don't know.

0:37:560:37:58

"Every time there's a full moon, I've got to buy you a new jacket."

0:37:580:38:02

Next...

0:38:020:38:03

"You can spot a Norfolk village anywhere...

0:38:050:38:08

"in Norfolk."

0:38:080:38:09

-"Turkey."

-"Turkey."

-Oh...

0:38:100:38:13

No.

0:38:130:38:14

Oh, that was...

0:38:150:38:17

This is an article from Village People about the unique

0:38:200:38:22

characteristics of local clocks.

0:38:220:38:25

Norfolk clocks are easy to identify,

0:38:250:38:27

as their hands have an extra finger.

0:38:270:38:29

Next...

0:38:380:38:39

"Fake passport."

0:38:440:38:46

It's actually something really boring, like what they eat.

0:38:470:38:50

It's just food.

0:38:500:38:51

Raw eggs.

0:38:510:38:53

Raw eggs, well done.

0:38:530:38:54

This is 116-year-old Italian Emma Morano,

0:38:550:38:58

who is now the oldest person on Earth.

0:38:580:39:01

When it comes to how many eggs she's eaten,

0:39:010:39:03

you really can't hold a candle to her,

0:39:030:39:05

because she'll take out half of Italy.

0:39:050:39:07

Next...

0:39:070:39:09

"Is the new internet sensation."

0:39:120:39:14

That's always the answer when you don't know.

0:39:140:39:16

Quite close. Yes, the answer...

0:39:160:39:18

Owner Agata Nowacka found particular success

0:39:200:39:23

taking pictures of Ludwik with random fruit and vegetables.

0:39:230:39:27

Here he is with an apple.

0:39:270:39:29

Here he is with a melon.

0:39:300:39:31

And here is Ludwik with a corn on the cob.

0:39:330:39:36

Did you say 57,000 people?!

0:39:360:39:40

And finally...

0:39:420:39:43

"Give your their password."

0:39:470:39:48

-Spot on.

-Yeah.

0:39:480:39:50

Study finds people will reveal their password for chocolate.

0:39:500:39:53

-What?

-What?

0:39:530:39:56

It's not me.

0:39:560:39:57

Imagine what they'll do for crisps.

0:39:590:40:01

So the final scores are -

0:40:070:40:09

Ian and Ross have nine points

0:40:090:40:11

and Paul and Samira have three points.

0:40:110:40:14

It's all right. Don't worry.

0:40:140:40:16

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:190:40:24

I think the guy on the left there is just going,

0:40:240:40:27

"And I've got a secret lady's leg that comes out the side."

0:40:270:40:30

You know, for catching the shoplifters

0:40:340:40:36

that can run really fast.

0:40:360:40:38

They're not very good policemen, actually, because,

0:40:380:40:41

as you pointed out, that guy on the left with the leg coming out,

0:40:410:40:43

he's got a burglar standing right behind him...

0:40:430:40:46

..who couldn't make it more obvious.

0:40:470:40:49

He's wearing the traditional striped...

0:40:490:40:51

He's either that or French.

0:40:510:40:53

Either way, it's worth arresting him and finding out.

0:40:530:40:55

That's what I say.

0:40:550:40:57

And I'll leave you with news that, at an optician's in Bromley,

0:40:570:41:00

one customer is delighted that, for the first time ever,

0:41:000:41:03

he'll finally be able to see the postman.

0:41:030:41:05

At Watford Arts Centre, the news that no-one has bought any tickets

0:41:100:41:14

is finally broken to the star of Dumbo: The Ballet.

0:41:140:41:17

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

0:41:180:41:20

And as speculation continues over TV football presenters

0:41:220:41:25

appearing in just their underwear, Jose Mourinho joins the debate.

0:41:250:41:29

Goodnight!

0:41:340:41:35

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