Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Katherine Ryan.

In the news this week, there's a product recall from Cow & Gate

after evidence emerges that their rusks may contain steroids.

SCREAMS

On Newsnight, journalist John Sweeney delivers a report

on BBC cuts without realising that he himself has just been sacked.

NO SOUND

And intense training begins for those police officers

who are going to be on duty at this year's Notting Hill Carnival.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who is currently

in a Sky 1 comedy about a dead-end non-league football team.

It's tough, week after week, going out to a tiny crowd,

but that's Sky 1 for you.

Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster

who recently wrote a book called The Seven Secrets Of Happiness.

Number five is, "Don't get stuck in a lift with Gyles Brandreth."

Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Gyles, take a look at this.

Yes, The Beatles getting back together.

There's only two of them left, unfortunately.

-I don't know what that is. A U-turn?

-No, it's going to be Boris.

Oh, yes, doing a try-out for Top Gear.

It's gone very black-and-white.

And that's the new Top Gear season starting off,

they're test-driving the new Ford Shed.

It's about the European Union referendum.

The first figures were the Prime Minister David Cameron,

a little bit of a faux pas there, because, of course, he favours

remaining, whereas, he's walking along Abbey Road, I think, and

all The Beatles great hits were made before we joined the European Union.

Is that the definitive argument now?

The definitive argument is where's your coin? Let's toss it.

That's what I shall be doing, but the way it's going, basically...

-So, you're saying it's a bunch of tossers, basically.

-Indeed.

I fear nobody knows which way it is going to go

and nobody knows quite which way it should go.

All we do know is that it will mean the end of the world.

We're inviting Armageddon, then?

If we vote exit, apparently, everything,

-EVERYTHING will collapse.

-Yeah.

Already Barbara Windsor has committed suicide on EastEnders

in anticipation of Brexit.

Our houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War,

it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling,

but of course, if we say "in",

we will then be overwhelmed by 200 million people a week...

..arriving on our shores.

-Most of them apparently from Turkey, but not delightful.

-Yep.

I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides.

I feel in a way that I am.

I'm ready to be because the truth is, I know that we don't know

-because I have been there before.

-What, you've been a Tory MP?

-Yes.

-And you know they know nothing.

-Can I say...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The truth is...

Obviously I knew I had contempt for my constituents...

..but it came as a shock to find the feeling's entirely mutual.

But the truth is, nobody knows anything.

And I do remember, 20 years ago, we went through all of this

and I was actually in the Treasury on the day we came out of the ERM.

Standing at the back of the crowd with the present Prime Minister,

David Cameron, we were office juniors.

And at the beginning of the day, there was this thing called the Exchange Rate Mechanism.

It was all part of joining the single currency.

We were all in favour of it, or we were against it.

It's all right, it's not The One Show, you can use some bigger words.

Don't interrupt Gyles while he's doing his one-man show.

I nearly missed it, I took a while to park the car. Off you go.

-I'm giving a bit of substance here.

-Got it.

-That's it.

What type of substance is it?

-Don't worry...

-And can everyone have some?

Rest assured, I am on drugs but they are Class A, I am a Conservative.

20 years ago, we were in this thing called the...

Even your drug-taking is elite. It has to be Class A.

Absolutely. It does.

There's no point in being posh

unless you can have Class A drugs. OK.

-The point of the story is this.

-Yes.

The Exchange Rate Mechanism, we're in it, but do we want to be in it?

20 years ago, we go into the office one day

and the markets seem to think we don't want to be in it.

Well, as the day goes on, we find the markets are against us.

We put up interest rates from 9% to 10%,

11% to 12%, 13% up to 15. Nothing is happening.

We're banging the top of the screen.

The point is, at the beginning of the day we didn't...

-I can't stand the tension!

-APPLAUSE

What happens? What happens at the end of the day, Gyles?

The point is, at the beginning of the day

-we didn't know what was going to happen.

-No.

-While it was happening, we didn't know what was happening.

-No.

And when it had happened, we didn't know what had happened.

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

A bit of bad news. They've just had the referendum.

How did it go? Who won?

Yes, this is the disappointing news

that according to both the Leave and Remain camps,

if we vote against them in the EU referendum,

the world will go to hell in a handcart.

Now, what were David Cameron and George Osborne doing at B&Q?

This is something about DIY. People doing little jobs around the house

and we'd not be able to do it if we leave Europe.

All the hammers will have to be handed back.

And the alphabet we have known for 1,000 years will lose the letters

B and Q, this is the kind of effect that Brexit will have.

Everything is going up the spout.

Imagine the difficulty for them,

cos they can't sell barbecues any more.

I think it's worse than that, it was a metaphor.

-They said this is a DIY recession.

-Oh, yes.

We'll inflict it. So you do a picture with DIY.

And everyone goes, "Oh, that's very annoying."

But that's it. It's recession,

it's 800,000 jobs going, your house will be worth less.

The odd thing about that is, all around the country,

young people are thinking, "Oh, good, a collapse in house prices.

"Yes! We're going to vote Brexit!"

It's the first time they've actually twigged where the young vote goes.

Cameron and Osborne drew a small crowd at B&Q,

but for context, there were

three times as many people in the next aisle staring at plasterboard.

What were David Cameron and George Osborne basing

their warning of the recession on?

It was an independent Treasury report commissioned by David Cameron

and George Osborne, with the brief - scare the hell out of everybody.

And it was a set of figures they'd put together,

which, nearly everyone has said, are probably not true.

The statistics from the Institute of Fiscal Studies,

or whatever it was, the one that came out this week,

it then turned out that this same institute was receiving

-several million a year from the European Union.

-Yes.

So the trouble is, we can't really trust anybody

because the hyperbole has become hysterical.

And they all quote, they say, "Well, there's the IMF

"and then there's the World Bank and there's the EU,

"all these people have said stay in," but all those people said,

"Um, there's no trouble with the financial system, it's fine."

Speculating on Brexit, Bank of England boss

and fellow Canadian Mark Carney said...

And they say Canadians are boring.

-I've got an idea.

-Yep.

-Mm-hm.

-But it's only an idea.

Why don't we try leaving the EU.

If it doesn't work, come back, apologise...

say sorry you left, give them a box of Terry's All Golds,

because that always works when I cock up.

Like, the other day, rather than take the food out the sink,

I pushed it down the plughole with my finger and it blocked

the sink and my missus was furious, so I bought her a Chocolate Orange.

Sorted.

It makes about as much sense as what most people have been saying.

-JOE:

-Thank you.

-GYLES:

-But actually, what you've just described could well happen.

If we did come out, we might well be going back a little while later.

It's the sort of hokey cokey approach to politics.

The theory is that we won't be able to come back again.

That's the theory, but who knows? Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

When I was a politician, I used to agree with the last person I'd met.

And that always, I found, was the way forward

and there was a referendum before, before you were even born.

In 1975 and our leader then was a man called Edward Heath.

"Buh! Buh!"

He was the last person I met that time.

-So you agreed with him that time?

-I agreed with him this time.

-Mrs Thatcher at that time said we must go in.

-Yes. Nobody knows anything,

-even Mrs Thatcher.

-Gyles, this is blasphemy.

-I know, it is.

How is Britain Stronger In Europe campaign

hoping to appeal to young people?

Robotics.

They've got a poster. I saw it and thought it was brilliant.

It says, "Tourin', hangin', chillin', votin'."

LAUGHTER

I hope that laughter's at the poster.

I think you're appealing to young people right now.

It's not just a poster,

they've produced a video using language

they believe young people will understand,

specifically they've removed the G from a few words.

Let's see it.

LAUGHTER

-"Spellin'" should have been one of the words that came up.

-Yeah.

-Spellin'!

-We don't just lose B&Q, we lose G as well.

The whole thing's a nightmare.

Ian, the question I'm most interested in -

"chillin', roamin', ravin', movin'" -

present participle or gerund?

-Gerund? Interesting - depends how you use it, I think.

-So what...?

Just on its own.

A gerund is a three-wheeled vehicle that was very popular

before the invention of horses.

What's happening?

Why are we talking in a different language?

In grammar terms, we're parsin'.

What's happening, seriously?

Meanwhile, over in the Brexit camp,

how are their efforts to woo young voters going?

It's with a pop concert, isn't it?

They tried to start a pop concert,

but even the 52-year-old boyband 5ive...

..didn't want to do it

and if they're not doing it, something's going wrong.

They mainly do village fetes.

I'm glad boybands are pulling out.

One Direction could learn a lot from that.

So have they got no young people to play?

Well, they've got Nigel Farage, who does a sideline as a techno DJ.

-Under what name?

-It's called "Farage music".

-Farage!

APPLAUSE

Oh, great!

A pro-Brexit concert has been organised, at which

East 17 were due to perform.

There's only one thing you need to know about East 17

and that's that singer Brian Harvey once managed

to fall out of his own car and run himself over.

Not even the EU have got a rule to stop you doing that.

Well, they've not given up.

According to the papers,

they're still trying to book Brexity-type acts,

which is an adjective now, apparently, Brexity.

What does that look like?

This is a poster by the group Operation Black Vote, which

seems to think Brexity looks like the guy on the right.

-That was a mistake really, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

To be fair, some people do look like that, like Nazis and Evan Davis.

Like people...

-Oh, poor old Evan.

-Well, he's got a handsome-shaped head.

If you go back to the wide shot, you see that both of them

have their feet off the ground, which is impossible.

-What's she wearing that's heavier than him?

-She's levitating.

What did Boris Johnson get wind of while making a speech in York?

-Oh, wind.

-Mm-hm.

Is it anything to do with the Jorvik Viking Centre?

You know what, Joe...

Cos I've got a lot of stuff about Yorkshire Vikings.

-I like you, so I'm going to say yes.

-Half a point, yes!

Boris heard that someone in the crowd was going to throw an egg.

-Oh, yes.

-Here he is.

I was told there was a gentleman who had an egg

he was going to throw at me. Can you believe that? There he is.

There's the man with the egg.

Now, there are people hungry in this country, my friend.

-Don't waste that egg.

-CHEERING

And here's what the owner of the egg had to say.

Today was a protest against

the Conservative party.

It was nothing to do with vote Leave or the EU.

It's against, erm...

Makes me look like I know what I'm talking about.

His ambition took him as far as having an egg with him.

He hadn't seen further than that.

Next year, he'll move a bit further on.

He looks like the kind of man who carries an egg on him at all times.

-What did Nigel Farage get on top of this week?

-Oh!

-Who was he on top of?

-Who did Nigel...

-WHAT did Nigel Farage get on top of?

-On that bus.

On top of his bus.

-On top of his drinking habits.

-No.

On top of his bus?

Yes, he launched UKIP's open-top bus, which will tour Britain

prior to the vote on the 23rd and as a writer Simon Blackwell tweeted,

Nigel Farage's launch lead to "incredible scenes."

Oh, bless him!

And let's see how that open-top bus tour is going.

Ah! Only in UKIP.

-Only in UKIP.

-NIGEL LAUGHS

Wonderful.

Given that people have known this campaign was coming for years,

you would've thought that both sides would've got

their arguments better lined up

and would have more effective advertising than they have.

I don't feel like I have seen a coherent argument from anyone.

-You haven't.

-I'm really confused.

-You should be.

What should I do, Gyles?

Go back to Canada and...

LAUGHTER

Because we will all be joining you,

because we'll be forced out of our country by the tens of millions,

the hundreds of millions who are going to arrive here any minute,

the moment the borders come down.

We'll be travellin', escapin', roamin'.

Please don't come to Canada. With Trump, we already have

Americans threatening to come in and we've got to now build a wall.

Americans are not as physically fit as Mexicans,

it won't have to be a high wall, just a little...

LAUGHTER

A speed bump should do it.

Ian and Joe, take a look at this.

Um, that's, er, that's a woman.

I think that's the same woman, yeah. That's her again.

-But different hair, though.

-Different hair, yeah.

Quite a big - can I say that - big bum?

There's her fella she's with. Nice fella.

Did I get it right?

-Was this one of the bigger stories of the week?

-What is the story?

-JOE:

-Kimberly Kardashian.

-GYLES:

-That's it.

She's in London, and I know this

cos my missus was telling me about her

and I feel bad for the girl, cos I shouldn't really be making fun

of her, cos I just found out she hasn't got a job...

And you know how hard it is when you're unemployed, erm,

and if she's watching,

I've got a mate who works in a Bovril factory

and he says there's work going, so just give us a bell,

might be able to sort something out.

And it's cash in hand, so you can still sign on.

So, what is the story about these people?

The rumour is that she is going to be Donald Trump's running mate.

-Whoo!

-It's hot. It's a hot story...

So it's hot because you've just made it up.

-It's fresh.

-It's fresh, it's new-minted.

-You're right, it's that hot. It is that hot.

-It's very hot.

It did just come to me that...

But don't you think it's marvellous casting?

So if her and Donald Trump were together and somebody says,

"What an arse!" we don't know which one they're talking about.

APPLAUSE

"Trump and the rump!" - you can see the posters.

-You can see the posters, you can.

-You can.

There's another possibility.

They have been offered a vast sum of money for a major motion picture,

-with Meryl Streep playing all the women in the family...

-Whoa!

..and Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn as well.

It's going to be the Kardashians with Meryl Streep

and a little bit part for Hugh Grant.

-Is that actually going to happen?

-Yeah.

There's already a TV series at the minute, which just

finished on BBC Two and that is the trial...

What, with them in it?

..of OJ Simpson.

Well, Kim Kardashian's father was one of the men responsible

for getting OJ off and then he died of karma, I mean cancer and then...

APPLAUSE

And then...

This is the massive mainstream news that Kim Kardashian

actually came to London this week. Why was she here?

Is that difficult, coming to London?

They've got a lot of wide-bodied jets these days.

There's no problem getting across the Atlantic on a plane.

It's a fascinating family, I find the whole thing completely gripping.

Why is it so exciting?

Cos we have nothing like it in our society.

The nearest we get to the Kardashians

is the Krankies, a Scottish...

-You won't know them. It's a Scottish family...

-I know the Krankies!

-You know the Krankies?

-Why do you talk to me like I was just born?

-I've lived here for ten years.

-Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that.

-It's all right. I like it, kind of.

-Good, well, we love...

We're very, very happy to have you and I'm sure the Brexiteers

and the Remain people will make exceptions in your case.

Yes.

-As I'm an Irish citizen. Go on.

-You're an Irish citizen?

-I am.

But it's for another day, Gyles. We'll have lunch.

Now I've heard that...

You don't know what you're saying, you've no idea.

The trap opens up and the poor innocent walks in.

I promise this has a political angle.

How did Labour's Harriet Harman get behind Kim Kardashian?

Which is an excellent hiding place, by the way.

She, um, presumably said that Kim Kardashian was a role model

and a marvellous figure and we should learn a great deal from her.

It's usually what politicians say

when they're asked about someone they've never heard of.

Yes, Harriet Harman called Kim Kardashian...

..like Malala, but with a sex tape.

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

She didn't object to Kim putting out into the ether

selfies of herself slightly scantily-clad, even though

Harriet in her time has not liked pictures that objectify women.

To which a viewer called Sarika responded...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here's Kim Kardashian's most recent breaking of the internet.

What do you think, Ian?

Erm...

Is that what they call a sex tape?

-This is just a selfie.

-Stripped across.

-She's got a lovely bathroom.

-I'm intrigued by the bathroom equipment.

-Beautiful bathroom.

We're getting a new bath.

We've got a lot of advertisements for these baths at home now,

but perched on the edge of the bath in the advertisements

we're looking at is not a lady looking like this.

-They're rather ladies of riper years wearing a full bathing suit.

-Cool.

And there's a little door in the side of the bath as well.

I never worked out how that works.

How do you make the water stay in once you've opened the door?

It's a nightmare, because we had ours installed -

lovely avocado colour, looks really good.

Gushing water all piped in, fills it up, you're absolutely right,

open the little door on the side and whoosh!

That's why you have to wear the bathing costume I suppose, so you can swim out of the bathroom.

Suddenly find yourself hurtling down the stairs clutching a loofah.

It's very dangerous that young girls might see this photo

and follow suit, like I did in my own bathroom.

-GYLES:

-You've got a bidet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know, after the referendum - bidet is a continental thing -

they'll be out. Out!

I thought it was a drinking fountain.

Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity

-to show your knowledge on the Kardashian family.

-No.

So I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.

Let's just move on.

I didn't actually know she had sisters.

I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.

APPLAUSE

You could have had...

All spelt with a K, yes. It's exciting.

-And do they have children that start with a K?

-No! Kourtney...

All right. Kourtney...

LAUGHTER

There's a child they're all very fond of, who they call Special K...

..comes through, "How are you?"

You know what, it's a dynasty and it's kind of worth

learning about. I think they've earned their place at this point.

No, what the fuck do they do?!

How have they earnt their place?!

What do they do?

APPLAUSE

In other femi-news, where did women narrowly fail

to break down a sexist barrier?

-Oh, golf.

-Yes!

-Well done.

-Oh, thank you, Gyles.

This was Muirfield Golf Club,

they've refused to have women playing golf.

That's it.

And therefore, they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.

And there was some famous golf commentator who said,

"If women want to come to the club, they should marry a member."

-JOE:

-Peter Alliss, wasn't it?

-GYLES:

-Yeah.

Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph...

Does he even know how competitive

the "marry a rich, old, white guy" market is?

How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit

just to get a free gin and tonic?

Do women actually want to join this club? I mean, they sound ghastly!

It does sound awful.

-POSH ACCENT:

-Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?

-Erm, I'm a member of a couple of clubs...

-Ooh, ah.

-Erm...

-Yeah, tell us.

Oh, yeah? Come on.

LAUGHTER

Is it the Alzheimer's League?

I was just wondering which ones to admit to.

-You're not a Freemason, are you?

-No.

-Uh, uh, uh.

Are you having a stroke, Gyles?

No, I'm not a member of the Freemasons.

Why's your trouser rolled up, then?

Well, there's a strict dress code for golfers at Muirfield.

Do you know what the rule is governing shorts?

-If they've got a pleat in them or something, or crease.

-They have to make you look like a prick.

Yeah. Tailored shorts can be worn if you wear them with what?

With supportive underpants.

"Go on, you're going to have a great game today, pants!"

It's white socks.

-Oh, lovely.

-White socks?

-Yeah. Cute look.

Would you like to see an example of the great male dignity

that needs to be preserved?

-Mm.

-Yeah, please.

-Look at this.

'I drank a lot of water, I really have to go.

'People are waiting to tee off and there's no restroom out here.'

Guys, how many times has this happened to you?

Come on, you know you can't hold it in that long!

Don't worry, I've got the perfect gift for you.

Introducing the UroClub,

the discreet sanitary solution

for your urgent relief.

Created by a board-certified urologist, it looks like

an ordinary golf club,

but it contains a special reservoir,

built into the grip, to relieve yourself.

The UroClub comes with a special towel to keep your privacy...

LAUGHTER

..and it appears to everyone that you're just checking out your club!

At first it seems comical, but believe me,

when you really have to go, it's a life-saver.

But the clubhouse is only about 100 yards away.

-It's going to be too far for him.

-And he's got a club car!

"What's your handicap?" "I keep pissing into me golf club."

Would you use a UroClub, Gyles?

I wouldn't, but I'm rather alarmed that the only time

I went to a golf club in Scotland, after we'd been around,

the man I was playing with opened up his club to offer me

a little celebratory snifter.

Oh, dear.

Well, there we are. I just thought it was a whisky that had gone off.

At the end of that round,

it's two points each.

APPLAUSE

And so, to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

BUZZER

-Is this Kim Kardashian?

-LAUGHTER

-Looks like her, it's not her.

-Not quite.

Is that one of the sisters called Kushion?

BELL

Joe, do you know?

I think she bought a cushion on eBay

and it turned out to be one for a doll's house.

It wasn't eBay, it was wish.com -

Yazmin Zurtti was disappointed with some pillows she purchased online.

Here's what she ordered on the website, for what she thought

was a bargain £10, to finish off her new bedroom perfectly.

And here's what was delivered.

What invention was in the news this week that might have stopped

Yazmin making a rash purchase?

A shop where you can go in and see what you're going to buy?

And then a person approaches you in a uniform and asks

if they can assist you?

No, and then tells you what the price is?

And then wraps it up for you and helps you take it home?

Only in the world of Tolkien could such a thing happen.

No, she might have used one of these, a new wristband that

gives bank customers an electric shock when they overspend.

The zap from the wristband can range from...

Would you find that useful, Joe?

No, not when I've had a drink.

It'd have to Taser me.

How much is it to buy?

Well, it's £130...

LAUGHTER

Hilarious. Well, there's your first problem,

it'd start going off as you're buying it.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

-BELL

-I know this.

It's a story about an inappropriate sandcastle, which we've all done.

I believe a policeman won a sandcastle competition by making

a sandcastle look like a murder scene.

That's exactly right, Joe.

This is the news that police from Truro in Cornwall have been

told off for making a sand sculpture of a murdered woman.

-What did the crime scene look like?

-A murder scene.

-Yeah.

It was a bit far.

Maybe if they'd done like a sandcastle,

or a couple of fellas fighting outside Wetherspoon's.

According to The Sun, it featured...

She also had seaweed hair and was cordoned off with police tape.

Here she is.

-GYLES:

-Oh, my.

-JOE:

-It's good, innit?

What were some of the complaints, do you think?

Olivia Colman's not in it.

One young sergeant refused to say how they made the sculpture's

breasts, though he was later spotted

shaking a load of sand out of his helmet.

-Who did like the sculpture? JOE:

-Vincent van Gogh.

-GYLES:

-Really?

No, it was the judges of the Cornwall Beach Games,

who awarded it first price,

just ahead of sculptures depicting Oscar Pistorius

relaxing at home, and Bill Cosby enjoying his freedom.

In other crime news, why have sheep been causing trouble

in the village of Rhydypandy in Wales?

BELL

-Ian.

-They'd been taking drugs.

-Oh.

-Someone left a whole load of cannabis lying around

and the sheep went and ate it all and then started behaving bizarrely.

-Holding their own music festivals?

-They were doing that.

Apparently the sheep had been grazing on cannabis that's

thought to have been dumped by an illegal plantation

and they went berserk, they got aggressive,

they started chasing people. According to the Mail...

"This looks very nice.

"I could live here.

"That carpet reminds me of my brother."

Which means at the end of this round

it's...two points to Paul and Gyles,

but Ian and Joe have four.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...

a Rubik's cube,

Thomas a Becket's elbow,

Mark Zuckerberg's dog, Beast,

and Harry Houdini.

BELL

-Well, I know Thomas a Becket's elbow...

-Mmm.

..has turned up again in London.

I think the experts are a bit divided, some say it's his arse.

-It's a bit of him.

-Yeah.

It's a famous relic of Saint Thomas a Becket,

and it was taken from his original internment and taken to Hungary.

And I think that might be the link,

cos Rubik was Hungarian,

-I'm guessing that Harry Houdini wasn't called that originally.

-No.

-He's Hungarian.

-And that dog... Do you know anything about the dog?

The dog is a different nationality. Three of them are Hungarian,

-and the dog is Pomeranian.

-Is that a Pomeranian?

-I think so.

Heavily disguised as something else but it is, underneath,

-a Pomeranian.

-Thomas a Becket's elbow can't be Hungarian, can it?

-No, but it was in Hungary.

-Right.

-Things that have travelled from Hungary.

-Ah, yes.

Yes. They all come from Hungary, apart from Thomas a Becket's elbow,

which, as you said, Ian, was taken to Hungary

following his murder in Canterbury Cathedral in 1170,

and is now being returned, though only for a week.

How did Thomas a Becket's special powers affect

the inhabitants of Strood?

It's one of the things that might happen after the referendum.

Oh, was there a plague of boils?

A plague of snails

overwhelmed Strood or Stroud, as some people think...

Don't you get a lot of warning, though, with snails?

"There they are, they're over there.

"Let's move over that way, then."

He caused their descendants to grow tails.

The Rubik's cube was invented by a Hungarian

and is possibly the only thing to entertain children in the '70s that

hasn't since been locked up.

How did one Chinese Rubik's Cube fanatic

try to impress a girl recently?

Speaking to her?

He made a picture...

a portrait of her. She's got a very square head,

-and he made a portrait of her. "That's for you."

-Yes, Paul.

-Yes?

-Yes. A 27-year-old, Tong Aonan, spent 72 hours

making a portrait of a girl he fancied, out of Rubik's Cubes.

Here it is.

GYLES GASPS

-It's good.

-Yeah. GYLES:

-Well done.

I do stuff like that. It never works.

Well, you're right. His efforts were not successful.

Aw...

-GYLES:

-Oh, dear.

Poor Tong!

Don't worry. That strong wrist of yours won't go to waste.

Mark Zuckerberg's dog, Beast, is a Puli,

a breed originating from Hungary.

Here he is being exploited on Instagram.

GYLES CHUCKLES

-GYLES:

-Is it really a dog?

-JOE:

-Sure the end of the mop just hasn't come off?

Sticking with the Zuckerberg family,

what reason does Facebook founder Mark give for always wearing

the same outfit?

He's boring.

Easy. You don't make any decisions every morning,

just put on the same thing. Something dark

so it doesn't need washing that often. Don't need to think about it.

-Just wear the same stuff.

-That's the thing.

-A lot of people do do it.

A lot of powerful people... Yeah, Gyles, you know about this.

-I know entirely about that. Chairman Mao did it for years.

-Yep.

-Obama does it.

-Obama, the same outfit day in, day out.

-Do you do it, Joe?

-I do it, yeah. I power dress.

Just not wearing any trousers.

Mark Zuckerberg said...

Like this man...

I read this story. It's Gyles. He's given away all his bears.

-Have you?

-I've given away all my teddy bears.

-How many did you have?

More than a thousand. I've collected teddy bears all my life.

And I began with one teddy bear

and then I acquired a few more and then I acquired a wife...

This could be long, this bit.

So why are you getting rid of them, then?

-Because my children, frankly, are not interested.

-Hmm.

I'm only here tonight, earning money, because of my children.

-Yeah.

-It's the one thing that's keeping me in touch with them.

And now...

Do you have actual children

-or are you referring to the bears?

-No, no.

One of the bears in the Brandreth collection is the original

Fozzie Bear from The Muppet Show.

Known for his terrible jokes and fondness for bowties,

Gyles Brandreth is 68 years old.

Which means, at the end of this round,

it's two points for Paul and Gyles,

and Ian and Joe have five points. APPLAUSE

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features, as its guest publication,

the Journal of the Writing Equipment Society. And we start with...

After taking Viagra, Barack Obama could be a handful on holiday.

This is a story that President Obama

has an autopen stylus, a pen which enables the user

to sign documents even when they're not really there,

and when it's President Trump,

he'll be able to sign documents even though he's not all there.

Next.

-JOE:

-Oh, hairy back?

-GYLES:

-David Attenborough padding about.

Is it bamboo?

Yes, Ian.

-I knew it.

-GYLES:

-Oh!

According to a recent study, the bamboo causes digestive problems

which can ruin the mood. Other things that put pandas off sex

include almost anything on Earth. Next.

-JOE:

-You can smell like a sandwich.

On the downside, men with sensitive skin have reported coming out

in RASHERS.

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

Next.

-JOE:

-Dinner lady?

-GYLES:

-Medieval monk.

A great-grandad.

Great-grandfather of nine Tony Collins beat a 36-year-old to

take the English Greco-Roman crown.

His opponent actually got him down for the count, but like all

old people, Tony suddenly got up at six for no reason at all.

Next.

If you support Leicester City.

KATHERINE LAUGHS

Is it, if you are alive?

Aw, Ian!

Next.

Thank goodness you didn't light a fire!

-JOE:

-Hello, I'm Santa.

This is an American man who had to be freed from a chimney

after getting stuck in there with no clothes on.

After police grabbed him, they asked the man if he wished to

say anything, to which he replied, "You're it!"

And finally...

-GYLES:

-One of the Kardashians.

Popular.

-JOE:

-80% gravy.

I think that's right.

It is THE Gordon Brown who was...

Gordon Brown took a DNA test to explore his ancestry.

For the DNA test, Gordon Brown was asked for a sample of his saliva,

which he produced as soon as he was shown a photo of Tony Blair.

In a similar DNA test, Tony Blair discovered he was a son of a bitch.

Aw...

APPLAUSE

So the final scores are -

Paul and Gyles have four points,

Ian and Joe have seven points.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

But before we go,

there's just time for the caption competition.

You didn't look like that on Grindr!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth,

and I leave you with news that it's sad times for one commuter

as the Royal Train speeds past the platform

while Kate is changing Charlotte's nappy...

AUDIENCE GROANS

In a World Cup qualifier against the Philippines,

North Korea deny they've made any attempt to influence the result.

And as the referendum campaign gets dirty,

Boris Johnson reveals a photo

of what he claims is David Cameron's screensaver.

Goodnight!

APPLAUSE