Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Can I just apologise? I'm losing my voice.

I'm going to sound very odd. I apologise.

-PAUL:

-Let's get rid of him.

-But I've brought some liquid cocaine...

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.

In the news this week:

To the delight of fans, the star of The Revenant

takes a stroll around the grounds of his recently purchased Beverly Hills mansion.

On his way to launch a campaign encouraging people to holiday at home this summer,

England's Head of Tourism phones to say he might be slightly late.

And in the final of Robot MasterChef, the title's in the bag

for the ZX1-E, unless he makes a mistake with the boiled egg.

On Ian's team tonight, a comedian

whose first job was collecting glasses in a pub, but things changed when he started doing stand-up,

as the audience would helpfully throw them at him.

Please welcome Jason Manford.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is the Labour MP for Birmingham Yardley,

who says, "You have to be a remarkable and amazing woman

"to be offered a job where you're in charge -

"average men get there all the time."

Thanks, love.

Welcome, please, Jess Phillips MP.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Jason, take a look at this.

Oh, yeah, this is when Grindr went wrong.

Is that it again?

Oh, right, he's back allowed in, is he?

Yeah. He can't see where that one went.

And that's the general public.

This is the latest instalment.

Yeah, the referendum on the 23rd of June

that everyone's really knowledgeable about

and knows what's going on, and they've left it up to us. Which...

Is that an error?

I don't even know how to work Series Link, so...

..I'm worried that there's a lot of people like me who have been left with this decision to make.

That's why we have government and that.

-You expect them to make the decisions for you?

-I would like them to make...

Yeah, of course. I've got one decision,

-and that is who I'd like to be in charge making decisions.

-Yep.

-Jess can help you out.

-JASON:

-Yeah.

Well, I'm voting to remain in the European Union.

What's the reason? I mean, I've read some of the things - I did one of them quizzes online...

I don't want to know about your personal life.

..How you should vote, and there was, like, an online quiz, you know,

to see which way you think you should be by answering certain questions.

And there was loads of things that I didn't know.

Like, if we leave the EU,

energy bills could go up by £500 million. Now, I can't afford that.

There's lots of reasons for voting In, mainly because of the people who are on the outside -

so do you want to be on the same side as

Nigel Farage, George Galloway...

Jeremy Corbyn... Ooh.

Just about.

APPLAUSE

I genuinely don't know

about the money thing.

Because I keep seeing them say £350 million a week,

that's how much it costs to be in the EU...?

-No - cos that doesn't include the rebate or what they spend...

-That's what's confusing.

-Nearly all...

-HE GRUNTS THROATILY

Nearly all the figures you see are rubbish.

So you're telling me

that some of the stuff these politicians are saying... might be untrue?

-In this debate, I'm not saying that...

-Of course not.

-..I'm saying it's ALL.

I asked my dad, actually. I said, "What are YOU thinking?"

He went, "Well, I guess Remain.

"I think I'll go Remain, because what I don't want is, when you go on holiday,

-"that queue for the non-EU passports is going to be massive."

-Yeah.

I thought, that's the most British way of deciding - queuing. Isn't it?

Opinion pollsters have clearly detected the nation's almost

catatonic with boredom, so they've been trying to liven things up.

Anyone know how they've been doing that?

Well, they've tried to get young people in

by calling the referendum Voty McVoteface.

They've been ringing people up and asking them how they think

fictional characters would vote in the referendum.

-Oh, yes.

-Wow.

-Do you know any of the people...?

-Sherlock Holmes must be in there.

Yes. What do you think that they said he would say?

Oh, he'd be in favour of staying in Europe, Sherlock Holmes.

Reluctantly out, apparently.

Reluctantly?

Is he reluctant cos he really doesn't have a vote cos he's a fictional character?

And how about Mary Poppins?

She loves to travel.

She's a floating voter.

According to the Times:

Captain Mainwaring.

-In or out? JESS:

-In.

-Out.

-Ah...

It's unclear how the rest of Dad's Army would vote,

as when the pollster asked, Captain Mainwaring said, "Don't tell him, Pike."

Basil Fawlty?

Oh, definitely out.

Very much out, you're right.

-What do you mean, I'm right?!

-You're right!

You concur with the voting public.

I concur with the voting public. OK, go on, then.

As long... Sorry, go on.

No, you go on.

-I was wondering if Boris counted as a fictional character.

-Yes!

If only! If only.

This voice of yours, Ian, I really like it, it's good.

Do you take requests? Are there certain sentences you'll say?

Anything you like.

"Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?"

-DEEP VOICE:

-Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?

-Oh...

-It's lovely.

-Can you say,

"That's not just any hummus - it's Marks & Spencer's hummus"?

He won't say that. He won't say that.

I'll do it in the voice of Jeremy Corbyn.

"That's not just any Hamas -

"that's...

"Marks and Spencer's Hamas."

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, nice. Very good.

At Wetherspoon's, the chain of pubs,

they've started printing beermats

that say...

that are sort of pro-exit.

-What, do they say "Leave"?!

-Yeah...

I just thought,

if you're sat in a Wetherspoon's reading a beermat...

you shouldn't be allowed to make choices.

And who have the Remainers

brought out to inject a bit of vigour and pizzazz into their

knackered campaign?

Well, Ryanair have said that we should stay in.

Which... I don't know anybody who LIKES Ryanair...

-JESS:

-We all use it.

Who else are you going to get, like - the roadworks on the M6(?)

I was actually thinking of Kenneth Clarke.

Oh, yeah, he came out and he said that

Boris was like a nice Trump.

That means something else in the north, I think, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-He said:

Boris probably wouldn't go away with Trump

but he has been up to something with Michael Gove recently.

They had a go at the Prime Minister.

This polite bit of the referendum debate is over.

They're just going straight for it now.

It's called Blue On Blue.

It's a website.

Eugh...

And they do say - and they do, in that voice -

there's going to be a coup.

You heard it here first.

-Just about.

-Yeah!

One anonymous Tory rebel

-said quite a nasty thing in the Sunday Times...

-Not much of a rebel, is he?

-No!

"Don't say it was me!"

Well, you wouldn't want to own up. This is what he said:

They've said that win, lose or draw,

they're going to try and get rid of him anyway.

Not easy getting rid of a useless leader, Jess.

In my defence, I didn't ever threaten to stab my leader,

-although the Metropolitan Police were called on me twice.

-Were they?

What did you do?

Because it seems that people online can't understand a metaphor.

I actually was saying something quite nice about my leader,

I was saying I won't plot behind his back, I'll tell him to his face.

But, yes, obviously in a slightly more stabby way.

What are you going to do?

I still didn't make it onto the hostile list

when they wrote it, and I've had the police called on me.

What category are you in, then?

-I was just second from last - penultimate hostile.

-Right, what's that called?

-Er, oh...

-JASON:

-Naughty.

-Core group negative.

-Core group negative. Yeah, yeah.

-Sounds like a disease.

First symptoms, hoarseness of voice.

So let's make the most of this - our final chance to talk about the EU...

Oh, God, if only it was the final chance to talk about the EU.

On this programme it is.

Let's see it off, with a quickfire buzzer round of EUniversity Challenge.

MUSIC: University Challenge Theme

I've always wanted to do this! So exciting.

-JASON:

-I'm nervous.

Fingers on buzzers: Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?

Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?

You have to press your button. BUZZER

Jason?

It's us... It's us.

What? Oh, sorry.

That's one of the things they test you when you go into university, can you spot a light coming on?

I was looking over there. I didn't know there were lights.

It's nice in the winter months though.

What was the question?

Er, because there was originally 12 member states.

-No.

-No.

There is no reason.

There just are 12,

arranged in a circle that apparently symbolises unity.

-Yeah.

-Or it may not.

Fingers back on buzzers:

Where is the highest toilet in Europe?

Merton, Merton...

-Do I have to go like this?

-Yeah, yeah.

He wasn't at Merton!

-Merton - Life.

-Yeah.

Mont Blanc?

Yes!

Very good.

Which specific location in Europe

sells more chocolate than anywhere else in the world? Specific location.

Phillips, Merton.

Cadbury's Birmingham?!

I say... I'm not going Cadbury's Birmingham, I'm going...

Bern Airport, Switzerland.

Kind of in the right department but the wrong country - Brussels Airport.

-Oh...

-Switzerland isn't in the union.

-Oh, isn't it?

-No!

Brussels Airport sells

over 800 tonnes of Belgian chocolate every year,

one of the best-known being praline -

each chocolate is crafted by hand and filled with caramelised truffle,

making it the perfect gift to buy your loved ones at the airport

when you couldn't be arsed to buy something better earlier.

In 1866,

Liechtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers off to the Austro-Prussian War.

What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?

-BUZZER

-It was more.

-What?

-It was more, I was going to say.

-Yes -

do you know...

-I don't know... Is that the actual answer?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Cos when they got there

they just started chatting to him. He's dead nice.

-Really nice.

-Lovely uniform, brass buttons.

-Oh, yeah, they look after you.

-Yes. 80 went to war and 81 came back.

-That's hilarious.

-They'd been forbidden to engage

in any form of military combat,

so none were killed and then an Italian joined up

cos he was looking for work.

So this is the ongoing EU debate.

Donald Trump is arriving in Britain the day after the referendum

to open a newly refurbished golf course in Turnberry, Ayrshire.

Trump is always keen to talk about his strong Scottish roots.

They're made from goats' hair and they're designed to hold

the rest of the wig in place.

APPLAUSE

Bristol Council was accused of influencing voters after printing

this handy guide on how to complete your ballot paper.

-It's a bit blatant.

-Seems fair to me.

They've now agreed to reprint them,

without the controversial Leave the European Union box.

-Paul and Jess, here's your boring question.

-Yeah. Oh, well,

this is obviously a tunnel, leading to the outside world. Cuckoo clock,

-Switzerland.

-Switzerland.

-We're in the land of Switzerland.

-Not in the EU.

-This is definitely not in the EU.

This is Merkel, and he's blessing the opening of the tunnel

with a traditional rosemary. This is the opening ceremony.

The world's longest tunnel has been built under the Alps,

35 miles long, and it came in exactly on time.

In fact, when they finished it it was actually 20 minutes early...

..than what they said it was going to be.

And they had a massive, brilliant opening ceremony with, like,

-a baby with big wings.

-Yeah, baby with big wings.

-Alpine horns.

Oh, the baby with big wings that everybody talks about.

Is he the spirit of the Alps?

Oh, is he the ancient god Toblerone that comes down

and makes everything triangular?

APPLAUSE

Sometimes, when I'm driving home after a gig at, like, 2am,

I sort of start to nod off a little bit and then I look at

the fellas doing roadworks - I've seen that.

In other engineering news, how did Sarah Guppy's pilings

contribute to the building of the Clifton Suspension Bridge?

-This bridge wouldn't have happened without her.

-Oh, really?

Cos she worked out how to stack up stone on a river bank

so you could build a large bridge over it.

Brunel should have, I think, given her the credit.

-Typical.

-Well, she declined to take any credit

for this engineering achievement, saying...

I'll leave that with you, Jess.

She was a fool, clearly, regardless of pilings or otherwise.

She also invented a dust-proof four-poster bed...

Every woman's dream.

..with a built-in exercise machine.

-I thought a four-poster bed was an exercise machine!

-She invented a...

APPLAUSE

So, at the end of that round, Paul and Jess have no points,

and Ian and Jason have two points. Things are hotting up.

It says two.

-It says 2-2.

-Oh!

-I was going to say.

Well, that's a rotten trick. It said nought when I looked.

You can't believe any of the figures.

-PRODUCTION TEAM:

-Martin, we'll do the scores one more time.

-OK.

Yes, you bloody will!

Then there'll be an appeal...

-You'll still lose.

-I want a large mandate.

-I beg your pardon? JASON:

-Don't we all, love?

So, at the end of that round, two points each! Very exciting.

So on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Oh, yes...

This is Farage.

They're laughing already.

But this is a very tricky one because this is Tory election fraud.

And if it's proved the Tories rigged this election,

then it means that Farage gets in and becomes an MP.

So, you've got to weigh up what you want.

An honest election or him?

It doesn't just go to the next man, does it?

I think we have another election.

-JASON:

-Yeah, another decision.

-It's nonstop!

-JESS:

-I have to make decisions on your behalf every day.

-JASON:

-Do you?

-JESS:

-Yeah, it's tiring.

Have you two got something going?

-JESS:

-I'd never have picked that outfit.

Neither did I.

-JESS:

-You look lovely, darling. I'm only kidding.

-JASON:

-Too late now, that's it. I'm voting Brexit.

So, they spent too much money on trying to win...

They didn't declare lots of young Tory volunteers

get on the bus and go down and stay the night,

and bully each other... And whatever they do.

And then in the morning, they go around saying, "Vote Tory."

You're meant to declare that locally and there is a suggestion

they did it nationally, so it's a big accountancy story.

-I see, right.

-The battlebus makes people feel important.

"Hey, we're on the battlebus!"

Of course, if you call it that.

Mine's still called the 192 to Stockport. The battlebus!

It was one of the most tightly fought battles in the country,

according to the Daily Telegraph. Nigel Farage lost by less than 3,000

votes to Tory Craig Mackinley.

Ukip supporters were outraged by the allegations of

overspending, while Telegraph readers were outraged

by the use of the word "less" instead of "fewer".

The Tories tried to appeal the decision of the judge,

and they lost today, I believe. They were told, "Do one.

"We're having more time."

And what has the Conservative Party been doing to assist with

-the inquiries so far?

-They're hiring a QC to resist.

They've hired a Laddie.

-They've hired Aladdin?!

-A Laddie.

It nearly got interesting then!

Aladdin. That would be excellent.

James Laddie, QC.

Oh, right.

Yes, yes. This is the allegations about Tory election expenses.

The alleged electorial... That's quite hard to say, actually.

-Electorial?

-No, the alleged electorial.

Electoral.

Oh, if I say it properly, it's easier.

My advice is drop "the alleged".

APPLAUSE

The alleged electoral abuse has been picked up by Russia Today.

They've long campaigned against electoral fraud, ever since that

time Vladimir Putin only polled a suspiciously low 107% of the vote.

Fingers on your buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is... The invisible man's been found dead.

APPLAUSE

Was this a lad who... Like, a teenager who,

in an art gallery or museum,

put some glasses on the floor and people started randomly

throughout the day looking at it as if it was a piece of art?

Charles Saatchi bought it for 5 million quid.

It's actually a companion piece.

The other one is Short-Sighted Man Wees In Fish Tank.

Got to line them up together.

They were put in the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art

by 17-year-old prankster TJ Khayatan, who was unimpressed with

some of the art on display and he set out to test the theory

that people will stare at and artistically interpret

anything in a gallery setting. And it seems he was right.

It wasn't just his glasses. There was a baseball cap.

-That's right, yeah.

-There we go.

And a bin.

That bloke's saying, "It's rubbish."

JESS SIGHS

Thank you very much.

One commentator on Facebook said...

Twat.

This is the student who turned his own spectacles into an artwork

by putting them on the floor of a gallery.

Actually, the joke was on him as he completely ruined

the £10 million world-renowned work of art called Floor.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Is it the difference between London and Manchester?

The south and the north, different accents?

Or different words are used?

Salford, that. I know it's picky, but they will start writing in.

This is the news that according to a recent study, the London accent

is taking over the UK, killing off regional twangs.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-I've thought that a few times, to be honest.

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-Yeah, but there's some that say it goes

the other way, though. Put that on your telly, if you will!

HE GRUMBLES

According to Dr David Britain, who worked on the study...

He knows nothing!

..mainly due to increased social mobility,

although another culprit is...

-television.

-Telly, yeah.

Soap operas. That was the main thing, soap operas.

When Coronation Street started in 1960, a lot of people hadn't heard

that accent outside of Manchester, the north.

-RP ACCENT:

-Everyone on telly sounded like this.

They did. This is the BBC.

The King has resigned. What are we going to do?

Yes, I remember it.

APPLAUSE

It's funny cos I come to London a lot,

and I live in Manchester, and my family are very...

they're from Manchester, you know.

So, even now, occasionally, my brother will pick me up

on the odd word that I've said differently.

I remember just saying, "Pass me that remote-control, please."

He went, "Please?!

"Coming over here, talking like the Queen!"

Anyone know what a spelk is?

Is it like a splinter?

It is. You'll only find it in the north-east of England.

"Stop moaning, soft lad."

"I've got a spelk, Dad!"

"Spelk in me finger." "Stop bloody moaning.

"I've had one in my eye for 12 years."

There's words that you use in Manchester.

I've always found it fascinating, like we use words

like "mithered," as you know.

-JESS:

-Yeah, I'd say you're mithering.

-JASON:

-I love that.

What I really like is some of the swearwords.

Like, we use "knobhead" quite a lot in Manchester.

And they never use that word in London.

Which is weird, cos there's loads of them here.

APPLAUSE

Everywhere!

Who might be our knight in shining armour,

when it comes to preserving northern accents?

It's not going to be anyone from the Tory party, is it?

You're not going to know this. This is a gentleman called

Korean Billy.

He's become an internet sensation.

His videos teaching you how to speak with a Liverpudlian accent.

Let's have a look at one of his lessons.

In Scouse, the K sound sounds like clearing your throat.

For example...

Chicken.

Chi-ch-en.

Chicken.

Chi-ch-en.

Dock.

Do-ch.

Dock.

Do-ch.

I'd like some chicken.

I'd like some chi-ch-en.

APPLAUSE

Very good, yeah!

This is the survey that tells us regional accents are dying out.

One of the things the study looked at

was how people pronounce "butter".

It's quite simple. In the south we say "butter".

In the north they say "margarine".

I'm voting Brexit.

Yeah.

According to a linguistics researcher at Cambridge, Adrian Leemann...

Leave it out, Leemann, you slag.

You sounded just like Ian when you said that!

So, that means at the end of this round,

Paul and Jess have three,

and Ian and Jason leading, ahead with four.

So, it's time now for the Odd One Out round.

Paul and Jess, your four are

Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer,

Sara Blizzard and Dr Henry Heimlich.

Ah! Right.

OK. Out of all those, Dr Henry Heimlich,

who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre, this was an interesting story

last week, I think he's in a care home now, at the age of 96,

and a fellow resident started choking,

and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre

and it's the first time ever he's ever actually been

called upon to do it, and saved this woman's life.

There, he's obviously attacking that woman,

so he's got a dark side to him.

So, who are the other people you mentioned?

-Marina Stepanova.

-Yeah.

-She does the hurdles.

Step-and-over.

400 metre hurdles, though.

Really high.

APPLAUSE

-Bottom left is Sara Blizzard?

-Sara Blizzard.

We don't know what this Blizzard person...

-She's a weather woman.

-Sara Blizzard is a weather presenter

for East Midlands Today, taking over from the much-loved

Karen Pissingitdown.

I read this story about MC Hammer. He doesn't like hammers.

He's got an aversion to hammers?

Yes.

That's a weird thing to have!

They all have highly appropriate names, apart from MC Hammer,

who recently revealed that he's scared of hammering.

In a recent interview, he said, using hammers...

Henry Heimlich, according to the Daily Mail, the 96-year-old

leapt into action and was at his patient's side in less than an hour.

How did Dr Heimlich play a pivotal role

in the engagement of Carrie Fisher and Dan Aykroyd?

They were both patients of his? They were both...they both thought

one day they might choke so they were having anti-choke lessons?

Did Carrie Fisher do the Heimlich manoeuvre

on Dan Aykroyd or vice versa?

Which would you like to say?

-Who you gonna call? Dr Heimlich.

-I'm going to say

-Carrie was doing it to Dan.

-Yeah.

Carrie was doing it to Dan.

-No.

-Dan was doing it to Carrie?

Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre

after she choked on a Brussels sprout.

-I don't know why that's funny.

-Bloody Brussels.

APPLAUSE

After saving her life,

Aykroyd proposed and Carrie accepted. She said...

According to the Sun, while working on Britain's Got Talent...

At least, that's what they told the runner when she walked in on them.

There are loads of great names.

Buzz if you can tell me the occupations of the following people.

These are all genuine. Les McBurney.

-BUZZER

-Fireman!

-Yes, from Wisconsin.

-Yep.

Barth Toothman. BUZZER

Plumber.

Dentist.

Very good. Dentist.

Mark de Man.

BUZZER

Rapper.

Professional footballer.

-Professional killer.

-He's a footballer. Ian, of course,

-you'd get that.

-Mark de Man, a defender, I would guess.

-Yes!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

There's something strange going on.

Ian Hislop's voice isn't quite the same as it normally is.

And the Ian Hislop I know knows nothing about football.

It's Ross Kemp in an Ian Hislop suit.

Leave it out!

So, they all have highly appropriate names, apart from MC Hammer,

who recently revealed he's scared of hammers and hammering.

Before he hit it big,

MC Hammer formed a Christian rap group called the Holy Ghost Boys,

before two members left to form a father and son group.

Phew! How long's that joke been lying around?

As a record-breaking hurdler,

Marina Stepanova is very appropriately named,

though things are looking bad for the Russian medical advisor

behind the doping of their 2012 athletes,

Dr "Struk-ov".

The instance of a name being linked to what you do

is known as nominative determinism,

a phrase first suggested by linguistics expert

Norman Ative and his German colleague

Dieter Minism.

APPLAUSE

This has got an end-of-series feel about it.

You wouldn't have dared put that on the first show.

-All the jokes that got left lying around...

-Save them up.

-I'll do them!

-Yep.

There's a Belgian footballer called Mark De Man, and, of course,

the French women's football team

have that awful player, Miss de Gaulle.

AUDIENCE: Oh...

Ian and Jason, here are yours.

Snickers bar,

Titty from Swallows And Amazons,

the Port Isaac Shuttle Service

and Boggy Bottom.

-Oh, I know this!

-Good.

LAUGHTER

The character in Swallows And Amazons used to be called Titty,

and they've changed the name to Tatty

-cos they think a modern audience...

-Would laugh at that.

-..would laugh at a girl called Titty.

-Why?

-God knows.

It's quite funny.

-Some people are so immature.

-Yeah.

The Port Isaac Shuttle Service, when it becomes an acronym...

..people find it offensive.

Because it just says "PISS" on the side of the...

So, they've all been changed, except Boggy Bottom? Right.

Very good, absolutely right.

Boggy Bottom in Hertfordshire came third in a recent survey

of rude place names. Can you name any others?

-I live near a place called Licky End.

-Really?

-The winner in the rude place names survey was Bell End.

-Classic.

Brown Willy came second.

You could have had Crotch Crescent in Oxford.

You could have had it...

but if you use the ointment, it goes away after a week.

The same ointment works for Fanny Hands Lane in Lincolnshire.

-Or Fudgepack upon Humber in Humberside.

-That is lovely.

Yes, Titty's been redubbed Tatty in order to sound less rude,

which angered the niece of the real-life Titty, who said...

And the actress Sophie Neville,

who played Titty in the 1974 film adaptation,

what does she have to say about that?

Not bothered?

-"I'm all right, thanks."

-She said...

According to the Sunday Times, the BBC have ruined a classic

by replacing tit with tat,

or that could just be a review of Top Gear.

So before it became Snickers again,

the popular Mars bar chocolate bar Snickers

was changed to Marathon bar when it was launched in the UK, why?

Did they think that Snickers sounded like knickers?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

It is. Idiots.

So they've all changed their names to avoid sounding rude,

apart from Boggy Bottom, which is keeping its name,

despite being deemed one of the rudest place names in the country.

According to the British Food Commission,

one of the unhealthiest dishes ever was...

Which is apparently the only way he could get them out

of the supermarket without paying.

A taxi service in Port Isaac has had to change its name

after the acronym spelt out "piss".

And now that this precedent has been set, it's worrying times for

the Cornish Union of Night Transport.

That took you a while.

They're my favourite sort of jokes

because I know what a writers' room looks like

and they will have all been just the first one trying to get right...

"Cornish Union... Oh, my God, I've got it! I've got it!"

For many years,

Snickers has been one of the Mars Corporation's three mega brands.

According to a case study in marketing communication...

A sort of chocolaty Isis.

Which means that at the end of this round,

it's still three points to Paul and Jess

and Ian and Jason leaping ahead with a mighty seven.

Ooh, wow.

-APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Never mind.

-I've never won a quiz in my whole life, so...

-Oh, really?

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features

as its guest publication Rubber Chicken,

the kids' entertainers' magazine.

And we start with...

What is possibly the most Waitrose thing ever?

The fig and horseradish kale crisps are in the essentials aisle.

It's actually...

-JASON:

-Brilliant.

-JESS:

-Oh...

Waitrose say they're promoting the beer to appeal to

a growing demographic amongst their shoppers,

the second homeless.

Next.

Oh, KFC.

Westminster Abbey to be turned over to the police.

And some priests aren't happy about it!

It's a Gucci catwalk.

-Oh.

-Really?

-Oh.

When they heard about the protests from members of the Church,

several of the models walked out,

before stopping, posing, turning round and walking back in again.

Next.

Don't drive after drinking. It's not that, is it?

-It's...

-Don't drink after driving.

He'd had a few by then.

-SLURRING:

-Don't drink after drinking.

-Drinking!

This is...

-That's terrible advice.

-Talking about drinking in politics,

Nigel Farage said...

Which would explain the late changes he made

to his Rivers of Joy speech.

To play inside a gorilla enclosure.

-Too soon?

-JESS:

-Nah, not too soon.

-JASON:

-The kid's alive!

-JESS:

-Yeah.

-JASON:

-He's all right.

They want the exact opposite.

They want a unicycle riding a poodle.

Cushiony birds.

Bouncy fowl.

-You weren't a million miles away, actually.

-I know I'm not.

Otherwise you wouldn't be able to hear me.

APPLAUSE

-Shall I tell you?

-You might as well, we're here.

It's, er...

Parents have complained that the price of balloon modellers

has gone up in recent years, probably due to inflation.

In some way, I can't help feeling

that Christmas crackers are going to be empty this year.

Next.

Spoon?

That is... Isn't that that...? I think that is that.

-There was something about a spoon in...

-Really, giant spoon?

-Sight of giant spoon, is it really?

-I think it is, genuinely,

-about a spoon.

-OK. I was trying to make a very poor joke

but obviously I should be working for whichever paper wrote this.

Er, Shakespeare's spoon.

Could this be the spoon that he wrote The Tempest with?

-It's not a spoon.

-Oh, that was not a spoon.

-Isn't it?

-No.

-Oh, I thought...

-Don't listen to her, she's an MP.

-Not a spoon.

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah, go on.

-Yeah.

It caused quite a stir?

The Mexican snack was apparently so large

that according to one witness...

No!

The identity of the bus driver is not yet known

but the company he worked for was Arriva-Arriva!

Nice.

When Boppo punches Boris Johnson.

Is it when the coulrophobic society booked the same hotel

on the same night?

-What phobic?

-The coul...

Well, I'm not even explaining that because that is a clever joke.

APPLAUSE

-Coulrophobic?

-Fear of clowns.

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah, please do.

-JASON:

-Aw!

-JESS:

-That's so sad.

Yeah, he must've been lonely.

All his adult life.

Next.

-JESS:

-Grindr?

APPLAUSE

I mean, I don't know what he gets up to, maybe it's not.

Is it physics?

-JESS:

-Trump is beyond his understanding.

-Well done, yeah, Trump's popularity. Very good.

-Well done.

Hawking called Trump a demagogue who appeals to

the lowest common denominator.

Trump is expected to reply to the comments as soon as

he's looked up the words in a dictionary.

After hearing Hawking's comments about his intelligence,

Donald Trump responded by saying, "Come over here and type that."

And, finally...

No refunds.

Cash in hand, before I put the hat on.

It's...

Ah, yeah.

So the final scores are, Paul and Jess with four,

but Ian and Jason romp away with the night with seven.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

And I leave you with news that at London Zoo the vet begins

a round of prostate examinations.

What is that animal?

-JESS:

-Bushbaby, maybe?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-It's an aye-aye.

-Aye-aye.

-JASON:

-Aye-aye!

-Oh, is it?

-That's the noise it makes when you stick a finger up.

-"Aye-aye!"

APPLAUSE

At Claridge's in London, the chefs react quickly as

Gordon Ramsay falls into the deep fat fryer.

There's an air of distrust as UN diplomats meet for talks

with President Assad about his chemical stockpile.

With his visitors from Botswana about to arrive,

one pensioner discovers that his wife has torn the relevant pages

out of his joke book.

And in Dover, there is a triumph for the Remain campaign

as they lure Boris Johnson onto a zip wire

that goes all the way to Calais.

APPLAUSE

Goodnight.