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APPLAUSE | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
I'm Gary Lineker. In the news this week... | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
At the World Curling Championships in Canada, | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
one member of the Scottish team regrets forgetting | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
to pack his stone. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
There's evidence that just a month after the US election, | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
the shock of her defeat has really taken its toll on Hillary Clinton. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:04 | |
There's irritation for one customer | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
as not only is their pizza half an hour late, | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
but all the olives have rolled off. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
Hey! Hey! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
Hey, Domino! | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
Oi! | 0:01:20 | 0:01:21 | |
And in Devon, there's a good turnout for the opening day | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
of the Dartmoor Lido. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:29 | |
On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
whose recent show included a rant | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
about how much he hates Twitter and footballers. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
So that's two points to Paul Merton's team. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Welcome, Jon Richardson. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
And with Paul tonight, we were due to have | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
the former Education Secretary Nicky Morgan, | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
but because of a falling out with Downing Street | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
over Theresa May's £1,000 leather trousers, | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
she's decided not to come. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
So in her place, please welcome | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Nicky Morgan's £1,000 leather handbag. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
So that bag is worth £1,000, is it? | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
Not at the moment. It's doing very little for its money. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
I'm hoping that it will justify its appearance fee | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
by the end of the programme. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
And we start with the bigger stories of the week. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Ian and Jon, take a look at this. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Well, that's brown trouser time, | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
particularly for her. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
That's Nicky Morgan. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
That's the lady in red. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
-Oh, dear! -LAUGHTER | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
This is a row between three women about a pair of leather trousers. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:56 | |
Boris Johnson's a woman?! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Why didn't we start with that story?! I missed that one. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
This is the major issue of the day, and I think it's appropriate | 0:03:02 | 0:03:07 | |
with a panel with four men and a handbag... | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
..that we go straight in on the clothes! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
A bit sexist, isn't it, Handbag? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
It's been optimistically given a mic. Do you see, just here? | 0:03:20 | 0:03:24 | |
And let's face it, so far, it's doing better | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
than some of the people I've been sitting next to recently. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
It did start with an interview in the Sunday Times. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
She was relaxing at home, as you do, in a pair of brown leather trousers. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:38 | |
I do, always. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:39 | |
So what did Nicky Morgan say about the trousers? | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
That they were unsuitable, inappropriate, a bit lavish. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
Frankly hideous, darling! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
They look like she's put on chocolate underwear | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
and then sat by the fire. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
I don't mind her spending a grand on a pair of trousers | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
if she wants to waste to her money, | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
but surely there's a better pair of £1,000 trousers than that! | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
Got to be a better colour, hasn't there, at least? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
-And it's Amanda Wakeley. -Is it? -Yeah. -Who's that? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
-Who I get my trousers from. -Do you? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
They're very tight, aren't they? | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
I mean, why wouldn't you flaunt it, if you've got it? But... | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
People say that nothing would have been said | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
if, say, Cameron had been wearing leather trousers. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
Oh, I think there would! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:30 | |
I feel I might have had something to say! | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
-Where did the bag come in? -Nicky Morgan said, | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
"I have never spent £1,000 on anything." And then someone said, | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
"What about that handbag?" | 0:04:40 | 0:04:41 | |
Yes, what she actually said was... | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Which must be a troubling mantra! | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
Nicky Morgan said, "I've never spent £1,000 on anything," which... | 0:04:54 | 0:04:58 | |
I don't know where she lives, but... | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Under a bridge somewhere, to please her constituents! | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
I think that was the point, wasn't it? | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
That these are, in a time of austerity, it's... | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
I don't know, it's inconsiderate of the Prime Minister | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
to wear very expensive brown leather trousers. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
That was the point. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:18 | |
And shoes as well, wasn't it? And a top. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
-She had all the clothes on. -LAUGHTER | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
She's the Prime Minister and her husband's an investment banker. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
If she was wearing, like, two-stripe tracksuit bottoms off the market, | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
it would look like she was taking the piss, wouldn't it? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
What she should have done was, like, pose with the leather trousers | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
on a sofa where, clearly, the leather trousers | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
had been cut out from the sofa. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
-Recycling. "Just About Managing." -Exactly! | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
Anyway, Nicky Morgan made the mistake of commenting | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
on the Prime Minister's trousers. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
And so the Prime Minister's assistant, Fiona Hill, | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
got very cross and banned her from a meeting. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
And then it got even more unpleasant. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
-DRAMATICALLY: -How so? -LAUGHTER | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
-I'm just gripped! -I'm the only one who's followed this, | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
but I am gripped! | 0:06:03 | 0:06:04 | |
She sent a letter to an MP called Alistair Burt, | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
who's a friend of Nicky Morgan, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
saying, "Don't bring that woman to this meeting." | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
And then Nicky Morgan said, "Well, actually, as a woman, | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
"I'm not brought to meetings by men." | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
And then Fiona Hill sent her a message saying, | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
"Well, he did bring you, so there!" | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
That's a text from the Prime Minister's assistant. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
"So there!" | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
They're calling it Trousergate, aren't they? | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
Which is just one gate too many. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
It sounds like a disgusting term for your anus, I think. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
"Give me five minutes, | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
"I'm having a bit of trouble with me trousergate!" | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
Anyway, it was meant to be hypocritical that... | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
-PHONE RINGS -Ooh, blimey! -Oh, hello. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
-PHONE CONTINUES RINGING -Hang on. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Hello? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:51 | |
No, no, she's not here at the moment. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
No, we're recording it now, yeah... | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
Gary Lineker. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Yeah, I know, yeah. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
No, no, no, you're thinking of Emperor Hirohito. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
That's not him, no. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
No, that's Elvis Presley. Gary Lineker. Yep. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
Great. Yeah, you can smell it on his breath, yeah. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:18 | |
-Wrong number. -LAUGHTER | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
Nicky Morgan belongs to a new exclusive group of MPs. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
Anyone know what that is? | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
What, who've been excluded from meetings? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
It's a group of 40 rebel Tories who are fighting for a soft Brexit, | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
inside the single market. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
They're being called... | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
As opposed, of course, to John Major's original bastards. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:42 | |
Is anyone else finding it confusing that a group of MPs called bastards | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
doesn't include Iain Duncan Smith? LAUGHTER | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
However, one aide told the Sunday Times that... | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
And with that in mind, shall we play a game of | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
Bungler Or Bastard? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:56 | |
-Yes! -Yes! | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
HE HUMS INTRO | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
Sorry, we've not got time. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
-LAUGHTER -Oh! | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Why might it not be...? | 0:08:05 | 0:08:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
I'm given a handbag as a guest, | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
I'm promised Bungler Or Bugler, or whatever it is, | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
I'm ready with my answers, I come up with a theme tune | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
and we're told we're not doing it. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:16 | |
-Very poor. -It's really poor. -It's poor. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
Why might it not be the new bastards that Theresa needs to worry about? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:23 | |
The old bastards haven't retired. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
There's even more people on the right who are after her | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
than there are on the left. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
And there's some in the middle. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:31 | |
-In fact, everyone's after her. -Mm. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
Apparently, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers, | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
has privately told the Government a new trade deal might take | 0:08:36 | 0:08:40 | |
ten years to finalise, and might then still fail anyway, | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
if the other 27 member states don't individually approve it. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
Theresa May has been in Brussels meeting other EU leaders. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
Did she receive a warm welcome? | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
-No. -No, she wouldn't, would she? -No. -Not really. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
-They're having their Christmas party and she wasn't invited. -No. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
Well, there was an awkward bit where there's footage of them | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
all shaking hands and then they don't... | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
She's just sort of on her own. And I just... | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
She has to go and have a pizza. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
-She had to...? -Go and have a pizza. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
And they all have this enormous dinner together | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
-and she's on her own. -Aw! | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
The pizza delivery boy fell off his bike as well. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
And the bad news about that is that when one of them falls off, | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
all the rest fall over as well. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
That's a really pathetic round of applause! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
-You don't get many Domino jokes that good! -No. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
My mistake was in waiting 20 minutes to make it. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:39 | |
But if I'd have waited more than half an hour, | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
I'd have given you that joke for free. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
-I can't see me topping that! -Hey! | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
FAINT APPLAUSE | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
She was invited to attend a dinner with EU leaders, | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
and we can see here how warmly she's been received by them. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
This is the great Remain/Leave debate. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Should Theresa May remain wearing those trousers, | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
or leave them in the wardrobe? | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
In the same way that Boris Johnson's name is abbreviated to Bo-Jo, | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
Nicky Morgan is known in Westminster as Ni-Mo. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:32 | |
Well, we certainly couldn't find her | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
when she was meant to be on the show this week. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
Meanwhile, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers, | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
has announced that a Brexit deal could take ten years. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
And that's not fair - | 0:10:49 | 0:10:50 | |
most of the people who voted for it will be dead by then. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Young people applauding! | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
Responding to claims that Brexit could take ten years, | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Theresa May said... | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
A problem she shares with Southern rail commuters. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
-Paul and Handbag, take a look at this. -OK. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
Ah, yes. So this is the Evening News, printed about 1977. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
Oh, trains are getting smaller and train drivers are getting bigger. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
That's Chris Grayling, the Transport Secretary. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
Everybody's dressing the same so he doesn't look like an idiot. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
That looks like somebody tearing their hair out. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
Hairdressers are on strike. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:30 | |
Dogs are going to become postmen. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
Is it about strikes? | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
Yes, this is a new wave of strikes by post and rail workers, | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
running up to Christmas. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
So are we going back to the '70s? | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
-I don't suppose we are... -No, if you look at the '70s timetables, | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
they're better than Southern rail's. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Southern rail have been utterly useless | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
for as long as anyone can remember. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
And you know the deal? | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
I'm slightly more exercised about this than the trousers... | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
The deal is that when these strikes take place, | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
the passengers who don't get on the trains | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
are compensated by the taxpayer, | 0:12:03 | 0:12:04 | |
and the taxpayer is compensating and paying for | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
the operating company. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:08 | |
The only people making money are the operating company, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
and they're saying, "We don't care if there are passengers on board. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
"It's cheaper, we make more money." | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
That's a deal that this government struck. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
-ONE PERSON BOOING -It's not funny, | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
it's just really annoying. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Do you get this train, then, is that why you're so angry? | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
I'm angry with all trains. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
I commuted for about 15 years and they were all useless. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
-That's a long journey! -LAUGHTER | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
Not on Southern, that's quick! | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
But it's essentially... I mean, it's a put-up job to have a fight | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
in order to get rid of conductors. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
And then they'll get rid of drivers. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
And they've already got rid of trains, so they're way ahead! | 0:12:44 | 0:12:48 | |
What I don't understand is all the people you see | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
on the train platform who are sort of... | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
They film them and they say, | 0:12:53 | 0:12:54 | |
"Oh, I mean, I can't get to work now!" | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Everyone I've ever met hates going to work. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
There's nothing better than a day off, where you just go, | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
"Well, there's no trains, is there?" | 0:13:01 | 0:13:02 | |
If you filmed them an hour later, they'd have been at home watching | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Homes Under The Hammer in their pants! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
"Ugh, bloody strikes, I can't even get to work!" | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
-Woosh! -LAUGHTER | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
So, no. I don't know... | 0:13:13 | 0:13:14 | |
There are very few governments that have managed to make | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
their prime economic region totally grind to a standstill. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
I mean, there are 300,000 people who can't get to work, | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
they can't get to interviews, they can't get to school | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
and the Grayling man is saying, | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
"Well, it's not my problem. I'd love to help." | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
But he's the Transport Minister! | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
Who else does he think is going to do it, the Fat Controller? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:40 | |
ASLEF's Executive Committee earned nearly £250,000 last year, | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
but what figure puts that amount into perspective? | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
£99 million profit last year, Southern? | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
It was actually the coin-operated toilets | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
at Victoria train station... | 0:13:53 | 0:13:54 | |
..that makes £1.4 million a year. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:59 | |
50p a go, they cost! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Is that worth... 50p or piss yourself? | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
Depends what sort of brown leather trousers you're wearing, I suppose! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:10 | |
The Southern Railway strike has made life | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
extremely difficult for the ordinary working man and woman, | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
so you can expect the Tory Transport Minister Chris Grayling | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
not to give a damn about them. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:20 | |
But what's the leader of the Labour Party been doing about it? | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
I haven't noticed. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
-He's been meeting up with the union leaders. -He has. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
And he's been to the train drivers' union Christmas party. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:34 | |
God, he's a member of Wizzard! | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
And people are upset because these unions | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
pay a lot of money into the Labour Party. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
So they're saying his position is already compromised. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
According to the Times, | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
rail union ASLEF donated £118,000 to Labour last year. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
They'd be better off installing | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
some coin-operated toilets, though, wouldn't they, really? | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
Going back to Jeremy Corbyn, what sort of week would you say he's had? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
He had a very good PMQs. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:58 | |
He embarrassed Theresa May, he made a good point about the trains. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
It's funny how you sometimes agree with people very strongly. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
What did he say about the trains? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
He said that essentially they should be nationalised, | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
since we're all paying through the nose for them anyway, | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
and they're utterly useless, why don't we just take it on board? | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
-Do you agree? -Yeah, no, I'm totally for it. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
But, again, you know, it's one of those things. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn, | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
you think, this country is in a mess! | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
Well, it's actually been a pretty good week for him. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
Labour were expected to be annihilated | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
in the Sleaford by-election. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
But they were only slightly annihilated. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
According to Labour MP Vernon Croker... | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
No, they came fourth. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:52 | |
They are the Arsenal of politics. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
The current Labour leadership are often accused | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
of being a bit paranoid, but what was troubling | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
Gordon Brown's inner sanctum in 2005? | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
-Blair? -No. -Press coverage? | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
They feared they were being spied on by Cilla Black... | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
LAUGHTER ..during the 2005 election. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:13 | |
You'd have thought if anyone was going to be an awful spy, | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
it was someone who's most known for presenting Surprise, Surprise. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
She wouldn't have been able to just hold herself | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
from bursting out of the wardrobe. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
"Oh, God, I want to say it!" | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Theo Bertram, an adviser to Gordon Brown, | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
told the Sunday Times... | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
The news is really quite depressing at the moment. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
Who wants to see someone that really actually does enjoy the news? | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
-Yeah. -Here you go. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:55 | |
BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
This is the industrial dispute which has led | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
to massive disruption of services on Southern rail. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
According to the Daily Mail... | 0:17:26 | 0:17:27 | |
So at least they'll know how commuters normally feel. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
The toilets at Victoria station cost 50p to use | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
unless you book online two months ahead | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
when you can get in for 35p | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
but they still won't guarantee you a seat. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:54 | |
BUZZER | 0:17:57 | 0:17:58 | |
Scientists have proven that Father Christmas actually exists | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
and he's a real person. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:02 | |
Yes, this is the news that the magic of Father Christmas | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
has been scientifically explained | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
using Einstein's theory of relativity. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
How do you think Father Christmas is able to visit all the homes | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
he needs to in one single day? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Subcontracts. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
According to Dr Sheen, he needs to travel at... | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
Why don't we hear Father Christmas approaching, though? | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Because there's a delay, | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
because he's going so much faster than the speed of sound. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
So you only hear him a year later. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
That would still be Christmas Eve, wouldn't it? | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
Well, apparently, thanks to the Doppler effect, | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
as Santa and his sleigh approach, the sound of bells | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
and his deep "Ho-ho-ho"... | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
Does travelling at such speed have any other effect on Santa? | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
Yes, it makes him become a Jehovah's Witness. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
He goes from red to green. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
Yes, due to the Doppler effect, Father Christmas would also | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
appear to change colour from red to green. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
It's all to do with the speed of approach. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
I've tried it with traffic lights and it doesn't work. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:12 | |
What do one third of office workers in the UK | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
admit to doing at Christmas? | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
Sleeping with their mother. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
How many percentage was it? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
One third. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
-Oh, no, sorry... No. -It's a bit less... | 0:19:27 | 0:19:31 | |
Pulling a sicky to get out of the office Christmas party | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
because they're scared of looking bad on the dance floor. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
According to the survey, one person claimed they had been... | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
While another skipped the party claiming... | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
In other Christmas news, why are snowmen under threat in America? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
I don't get it. They should be all right, they're white. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
Well, apparently because there's a snowman killer on the loose. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
JON LAUGHS | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
Jeff Diggs has installed a 20-foot inflatable snowman | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
in his front garden. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:03 | |
But someone clearly wasn't a fan, so drove up in the night | 0:20:03 | 0:20:07 | |
and stabbed him. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:08 | |
Ooh. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:12 | |
Aw! | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Why was that recorded on the 12th of April? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
I think this whole thing is a bit of a practical joke. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
There's no snowman on the 12th of April. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
And if there was, you're well within your rights | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
-to stab it in the middle of the night. -Exactly. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
-Wrong place, wrong time. -Yes, this is a con, isn't it? | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
Because Jeff Diggs, the snowman's owner, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
-has started a GoFundMe page... -Has he? -..to cover Frosty's repair bill, | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
although there are accusations | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
it's nothing more than a slush fund. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
GROANING | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
That's why I strangled my neighbour's rabbit in September. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
I said, "It's not Easter. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
"What are you playing at?" | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
BUZZER | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
Well, they seem to have voted their first Tsar. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
Yes, this is the news that the CIA believe Russia interfered to help | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
Donald Trump win the US election. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Does anyone know how the Russians | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
were able to access thousands of Democratic e-mails? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
I heard it was Michael Barrymore who was over the road with a telescope. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
How did the Donald respond to the claims? | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
He's discounting the advice from these organisations. CIA. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
And he's siding with the Russians on this particular one. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
It's going to be an interesting five years, isn't it? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
Yeah, I don't think we'll get that far. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
Yeah, Trump attacked the CIA | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
and dismissed suggestions of any interference, saying... | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
The interesting thing is, you could have leaked anything about him, | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
and it wouldn't have made any difference! | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
Like the Russians could have been the one who leaked that video of him | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
to sort of destabilise America, | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
and they would have had to go back and say, "Leak pussy grab video. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
"We did it. Rating went up." | 0:22:08 | 0:22:09 | |
Trump's had a busy week of meetings, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
so who has he finally appointed to be his Secretary of State? | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
It's Rex Tillerson, isn't it, | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
who's the owner of Exxon, the world's biggest oil and gas company, | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
and he's a friend of Russia, | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
and he's appointed a Secretary of Energy | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
who doesn't believe in climate change, | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
he's appointed a Labour Secretary | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
who doesn't agree with the minimum wage, | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
so now he's just got to appoint a Health Secretary | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
who is a morbidly obese man who died five years ago. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
-And then he'll have a full set. -Full team. -Yeah. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
When will the coin drop? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
When will the penny drop for the people who voted for him? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
The penny'll never drop, will it? | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Cos if your whole thing is that it doesn't... They'll just say, | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
"Oh, well, he couldn't get anything done cos of all the... | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
you know...wasps." | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
Nobody wants to admit to being duped, cos it's a terrible thing, | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
so in the end, they'll defend what he's doing, | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
even though it's completely opposite | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
-of what they thought he was going to do. -Well, that's cheery. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
This is why fake news is so big, isn't it? | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
Cos it's better than real news. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
I usually do about half a paper a day, | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
until it gets too depressing and then I stop, and then... | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
You sometimes read online and there's just a little... | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
"Oh, I sort of do want to see | 0:23:17 | 0:23:18 | |
"what the twins from The Shining look like now." | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
But Trump also added a bit of shine to this transition week. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
Everyone got a bit excited by Trump's meeting with these chaps. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:31 | |
They're a team from Eggheads. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
That's the National Balder Patrol Council - | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
sorry, BORDER Patrol Council. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
Although someone on Twitter thought it was something far more sinister. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:45 | |
To which another replied... | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
To which the man in the far right of the photo, Shawn Moran, replied... | 0:23:53 | 0:23:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
Interestingly, if you want to recreate that photo at home, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:09 | |
-just bear with me a second. -Yeah. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
This goes one of two ways. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
There we go. LAUGHTER | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
If you haven't got any money at Christmas, | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
you can still have fun, can't you? | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
-I like bananas. -You're not selling them, are you? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
It's not just bald people. Which fellow sage did Trump meet this week? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:40 | |
Is it a rapper guy? Kan-ya West, is it? Kan-ya West met him? | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
I've never heard Kanye West sound so much like a question. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:48 | |
Kan ya West or can't you? Cos you say you can, but I dunno! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:53 | |
-Kon-ye West. -Kon-ye, is it? I've never heard it pronounced. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
-Something like that. -He's the husband of Kim Karda-she-an! | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
Yes, he met the rapper Kanye West, | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
allowing Trump to unleash his not-at-all awkward alpha handshake. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:08 | |
Here they are parting company. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
Hi, there. What did you guys discuss in your meeting? | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
We're just friends. Just friends, and, eh, he's a good man. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:16 | |
Doing well. Long time. We've been friends for a long time. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:21 | |
-You take care of yourself. I'll see you soon. -All right? | 0:25:21 | 0:25:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:26 | 0:25:27 | |
I mean, who comes out of a meeting and has to say, "Just friends"?! | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
"What did you discuss in your meeting?" | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
"I didn't touch his penis!" | 0:25:35 | 0:25:36 | |
This is CIA claims that Russia interfered in the US election | 0:25:39 | 0:25:43 | |
to get Trump into the White House, | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
a claim dismissed by Donald Trump's spokesman with a resounding "Nyet." | 0:25:45 | 0:25:50 | |
One of Trump's controversial appointments is Rex Tillerson, | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
a pro-Putin oil executive who was recently given... | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
It's a simple ceremony where Putin orders you to be his friend. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
Fingers on buzzers, team. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
-It's the FA's new plan to get girls into football. -Hm-mm. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
Pink whistles. It's the only thing been holding the women's game back. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:19 | |
All these years! | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
The details of a promotional campaign to encourage more girls to play sport | 0:26:22 | 0:26:26 | |
was found on the FA website by a primary school headmistress. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
What were some of the suggestions? | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
Bibs that smell nice. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:33 | |
That is actually one, yes. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
That sounds awful, but it might just mean bibs that have been washed. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:40 | |
My experience of sport, it's a key... | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
Just cos I like football | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
doesn't mean I want to smell another man from a week ago. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:52 | |
That's a different reason. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
And... | 0:26:57 | 0:26:58 | |
Where did the FA suggest putting the promotional literature? | 0:27:03 | 0:27:07 | |
Tattoo it on One Direction's forehead? | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
They suggested... | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
On the back of a toilet... "Are you interested in playing football?" | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
You wouldn't respond to any message | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
on the back of a toilet door, would you? | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
The suggestions were presented to a girl's under-11 football | 0:27:24 | 0:27:27 | |
team in County Durham. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
What was their reaction? | 0:27:29 | 0:27:30 | |
They thought it was hilarious, and said, | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
"If I want to play football, | 0:27:32 | 0:27:33 | |
"a mirror wouldn't make any difference." | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
They thought it was a joke. One ten-year-old girl said... | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
Not like Cristiano Ronaldo, then. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
Finally, what's Dickie Borthwick looking for? | 0:27:46 | 0:27:50 | |
Er...the office? | 0:27:50 | 0:27:51 | |
Is this your chat-up line? | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
He's looking for a team to play for. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
He's 81. Here he is. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
AUDIENCE: Aw! | 0:28:08 | 0:28:09 | |
So how long's he been going out with the invisible woman? | 0:28:09 | 0:28:13 | |
He's too old for veterans' football and finds walking football boring. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:17 | |
He said... | 0:28:17 | 0:28:18 | |
He said... | 0:28:21 | 0:28:22 | |
This is the news that the FA have unveiled plans | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 | |
to get more young girls to take up football. | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
One ten-year-old football player, Grace, said... | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 | |
Quite right, Grace. You just need proper football training. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:42 | |
And a big bag of crisps for energy. | 0:28:42 | 0:28:44 | |
Time now for the Odd One Out Round. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 | |
-Paul and Handbag. -Yes? | 0:28:47 | 0:28:49 | |
Your four are John Simpson, | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
Barack Obama, | 0:28:51 | 0:28:52 | |
the 17th Earl of Oxford - Edward de Vere - | 0:28:52 | 0:28:54 | |
and Beryl Bainbridge. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
Ah, Edward de Vere is the only one that's worn | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 | |
Nicky Morgan's handbag as a hat. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
Is it Shakespeare, is it acting? | 0:29:02 | 0:29:03 | |
It's not to do with Shakespeare. | 0:29:03 | 0:29:05 | |
It's not to do with Shakespeare at all. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:06 | |
No, it's a question of red faces. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:08 | |
Red faces? Embarrassment? | 0:29:08 | 0:29:10 | |
Yes, yes, very much so. | 0:29:10 | 0:29:12 | |
-Tell us. -Well, they've all embarrassed themselves | 0:29:12 | 0:29:14 | |
in front of Queen Elizabeth II. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:16 | |
-Except him. -Except who? -De Vere. | 0:29:16 | 0:29:19 | |
-He embarrassed himself in front of Queen Elizabeth I. -Yes. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:21 | |
No, that's not right, | 0:29:21 | 0:29:22 | |
because she wasn't known as Elizabeth I then. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:24 | |
-You're quite right. -LAUGHTER | 0:29:24 | 0:29:27 | |
How did Edward de Vere embarrass himself in front of Queen Elizabeth? | 0:29:27 | 0:29:31 | |
"Your Majesty, I have presented you with leggings | 0:29:31 | 0:29:33 | |
"constructed from the behind of a cow." | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
Well, no. A 17th-century writer, John Aubrey, | 0:29:37 | 0:29:41 | |
recalled that when the earl went to bow before his monarch... | 0:29:41 | 0:29:45 | |
According to Aubrey... | 0:29:51 | 0:29:53 | |
-When he returned... -I know this one, yeah. | 0:29:57 | 0:29:59 | |
-You know this one? -Yeah, I do. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:00 | |
When he returned after seven years of shame, what did the Queen do? | 0:30:00 | 0:30:03 | |
She said, "Oh, how good to see you again. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:04 | |
-"We have quite forgotten about the fart." -Exactly. | 0:30:04 | 0:30:07 | |
Yes! | 0:30:08 | 0:30:09 | |
"Pull mine finger!" | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
How did the BBC's John Simpson embarrass himself | 0:30:13 | 0:30:16 | |
in front of Queen Elizabeth in the '70s? | 0:30:16 | 0:30:18 | |
Did he do the same as the other fella? | 0:30:18 | 0:30:19 | |
Well, he let rip, but a different way. | 0:30:19 | 0:30:22 | |
Ripped his trousers? | 0:30:22 | 0:30:23 | |
Aha, revealing... | 0:30:23 | 0:30:25 | |
-Cilla Black! -LAUGHTER | 0:30:25 | 0:30:28 | |
Surprise, surprise! | 0:30:31 | 0:30:33 | |
I don't know, tickled me. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
Cilla Black tickled you? | 0:30:37 | 0:30:38 | |
In a recent interview in the Guardian, | 0:30:40 | 0:30:42 | |
John Simpson recounted a meeting with the Queen | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
at an agricultural show in Zambia in 1979. | 0:30:44 | 0:30:48 | |
John saw the Queen two days later. She said... | 0:30:55 | 0:30:58 | |
Cracking sense of humour. | 0:31:02 | 0:31:03 | |
-Should get her on the show! -She's been asked. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
Yeah. We asked tonight. | 0:31:06 | 0:31:08 | |
Another 200 quid and we could have got her. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:12 | |
How did award-winning author Dame Beryl Bainbridge | 0:31:12 | 0:31:15 | |
embarrass herself in front of the Queen at a 2002 party? | 0:31:15 | 0:31:18 | |
Beryl was chatting to another guest | 0:31:18 | 0:31:20 | |
and moaned about what a rubbish time she was having, saying... | 0:31:20 | 0:31:23 | |
Then she was hastily ushered away, and heard to say... | 0:31:25 | 0:31:28 | |
Barack Obama began proposing a toast to the Queen | 0:31:31 | 0:31:34 | |
when the orchestra accidentally started playing the national anthem | 0:31:34 | 0:31:37 | |
believing he had given them a cue which left Obama talking over it, | 0:31:37 | 0:31:41 | |
which is an absolute no-no, of course. | 0:31:41 | 0:31:43 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:31:43 | 0:31:44 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please stand with me | 0:31:44 | 0:31:47 | |
and raise your glasses as I propose a toast. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:50 | |
To Her Majesty, the Queen. | 0:31:54 | 0:31:55 | |
To the vitality of the special relationship... | 0:31:57 | 0:32:00 | |
-ORCHESTRA PLAYING -..between our peoples | 0:32:00 | 0:32:03 | |
and, in the words of Shakespeare, | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
to this blessed plot, this Earth, | 0:32:05 | 0:32:10 | |
this realm, this England. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:12 | |
To the Queen. | 0:32:12 | 0:32:13 | |
ORCHESTRA CONTINUES | 0:32:13 | 0:32:17 | |
It's actually a really good voiceover speech, isn't it? Rousing! | 0:32:42 | 0:32:45 | |
It's the British at their most powerful. | 0:32:45 | 0:32:47 | |
-Nobody said a word! -LAUGHTER | 0:32:47 | 0:32:51 | |
They have all embarrassed themselves | 0:32:51 | 0:32:52 | |
in front of Queen Elizabeth II apart from Edward de Vere, | 0:32:52 | 0:32:56 | |
the 17th Earl of Oxford, | 0:32:56 | 0:32:57 | |
who embarrassed himself by breaking wind in front of Queen Elizabeth I. | 0:32:57 | 0:33:01 | |
Next year, history is likely to repeat itself | 0:33:01 | 0:33:04 | |
when, during a state visit, there will be an even more unsavoury Trump | 0:33:04 | 0:33:07 | |
in front of a Queen Elizabeth. | 0:33:07 | 0:33:09 | |
According to one historical authority... | 0:33:11 | 0:33:13 | |
Amongst his finest work is the couplet, | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
"He who smelt it dealt it." | 0:33:20 | 0:33:22 | |
In 1979, shortly before meeting the Queen in Zambia, | 0:33:25 | 0:33:28 | |
John Simpson ripped the backside of his trousers to reveal... | 0:33:28 | 0:33:31 | |
And for a few seconds, his life was in grave danger | 0:33:33 | 0:33:35 | |
as Prince Philip grabbed his hunting rifle, shouting, "Baboon!" | 0:33:35 | 0:33:40 | |
Ian and Jon, here are yours. | 0:33:40 | 0:33:42 | |
Bill and Melinda Gates, | 0:33:42 | 0:33:44 | |
Jane Austen, | 0:33:44 | 0:33:45 | |
Graham Andrew | 0:33:45 | 0:33:46 | |
and 18th century cartographer, John Spilsbury. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:51 | |
I think it's to do with jigsaws, | 0:33:51 | 0:33:53 | |
cos Bill and Melinda Gates, they said this week they do jigsaws | 0:33:53 | 0:33:56 | |
when they go away on holiday and try and do a jigsaw first. | 0:33:56 | 0:34:00 | |
Did Jane Austen do jigsaws? | 0:34:00 | 0:34:01 | |
I ask the questions. You give the answers. | 0:34:01 | 0:34:03 | |
OK, let's guess she did. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
And he did. | 0:34:05 | 0:34:06 | |
He's...some charity...big. And that, there are bits of a map missing. | 0:34:06 | 0:34:11 | |
Was that the first map that was turned into a jigsaw? | 0:34:11 | 0:34:14 | |
Yes. | 0:34:14 | 0:34:15 | |
They all do jigsaws except the jigsaw that is one. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
No. No. But you're very close. | 0:34:18 | 0:34:21 | |
-They all do jigsaws...apart from Jane Austen. -Except Jane Austen. | 0:34:21 | 0:34:25 | |
Who hated them. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:26 | |
I don't know whether she hated them, but she did something else. | 0:34:26 | 0:34:29 | |
Oh, yes - bat and ball. She had that game, didn't she? | 0:34:29 | 0:34:32 | |
It just sold in auction this week. | 0:34:32 | 0:34:34 | |
Yeah, bat and a ball. You know - blum blum blum blum blum. That one. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:36 | |
-Nearly. -Was it more like bla bla bla bla? | 0:34:36 | 0:34:40 | |
They're all jigsaw enthusiasts apart from Jane Austen, | 0:34:40 | 0:34:43 | |
so you got that right, who preferred bilbocatch to amuse herself. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:47 | |
Do you know what bilbocatch is? | 0:34:47 | 0:34:49 | |
Like the ice cream cone with the... | 0:34:49 | 0:34:52 | |
Ah, that one, yes. | 0:34:52 | 0:34:53 | |
It's a simple game where you try to get a ball on a string into a cup. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:56 | |
You'd think it might be boring, but just look how much fun it is. | 0:34:56 | 0:34:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:00 | 0:35:03 | |
One of Jane Austen's letters up for auction this week revealed how people | 0:35:03 | 0:35:07 | |
used to amuse themselves in the early 19th century. | 0:35:07 | 0:35:10 | |
What did a typical weekend consist of? | 0:35:10 | 0:35:13 | |
Jagerbombs? | 0:35:13 | 0:35:15 | |
It consisted of spillikins... | 0:35:15 | 0:35:17 | |
It's kind of a Ian Hislop theme park. | 0:35:23 | 0:35:26 | |
-What's the... -You have to be this high to ride Ian Hislop. | 0:35:29 | 0:35:32 | |
John Spilsbury created the first-ever jigsaw puzzle in 1766 | 0:35:35 | 0:35:39 | |
as an educational tool to teach geography. | 0:35:39 | 0:35:43 | |
According to Conde Nast Traveller magazine, | 0:35:43 | 0:35:45 | |
what does billionaire businessman Bill Gates | 0:35:45 | 0:35:48 | |
always take on holiday with him? | 0:35:48 | 0:35:49 | |
-You'll guess this. -Hm. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:51 | |
-Jigsaws. -Yes! | 0:35:51 | 0:35:52 | |
And Sellotape for their glasses. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:55 | |
He goes on holiday with his wife, and they have two identical | 0:35:55 | 0:35:59 | |
-hand-carved jigsaws... -Yes. -..worth £12,000. | 0:35:59 | 0:36:01 | |
They race each other to complete the puzzles | 0:36:01 | 0:36:05 | |
to the soundtrack of The Sound Of Music. | 0:36:05 | 0:36:08 | |
Why don't they just admit that the marriage is over, | 0:36:08 | 0:36:11 | |
just get on with their lives? | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
I mean, I would take that as code. If my wife ever said to me, | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
"Why don't we both take our own jigsaws on holiday...?" | 0:36:16 | 0:36:20 | |
The same jigsaws, and compete! | 0:36:20 | 0:36:22 | |
Just tell me it's over, love, and I'll wish you all the best. | 0:36:22 | 0:36:25 | |
Our separate rooms thing at the moment is weird enough, I think. | 0:36:25 | 0:36:29 | |
I go with it. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:30 | |
Finally, what disaster recently befell | 0:36:30 | 0:36:33 | |
Norfolk jigsaw enthusiast Graham Andrew? | 0:36:33 | 0:36:35 | |
Did he have an epiphany that he's wasting his life? | 0:36:35 | 0:36:39 | |
He spent two weeks finishing a world record | 0:36:39 | 0:36:43 | |
21-feet long 34,000-piece puzzle | 0:36:43 | 0:36:46 | |
only to find there were four pieces missing. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:49 | |
-They'll be in a slipper somewhere! -Yeah, exactly. | 0:36:49 | 0:36:51 | |
It's what happens when you buy at a charity shop. | 0:36:51 | 0:36:55 | |
They are all jigsaw enthusiasts | 0:36:55 | 0:36:57 | |
apart from Jane Austen who preferred bilbocatch. | 0:36:57 | 0:37:00 | |
Jane Austen said she enjoyed a number of pastimes including... | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
..which, coincidentally, | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
are the only live sports the BBC still has the rights to. | 0:37:08 | 0:37:13 | |
Inventor of the first jigsaw John Spilsbury died in 1769. | 0:37:13 | 0:37:16 | |
It was quite a funeral. He was buried in a plain white wooden box | 0:37:16 | 0:37:20 | |
with a picture of himself on the lid. | 0:37:20 | 0:37:22 | |
His wife was in pieces. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:25 | |
Good joke. Yeah, good. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
The Queen is sent a jigsaw puzzle every year | 0:37:28 | 0:37:30 | |
by the British Jigsaw Library. | 0:37:30 | 0:37:32 | |
She starts it on December 1st and tries to get it done by Christmas Day | 0:37:32 | 0:37:36 | |
when she has to go back to work for ten minutes. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:38 | |
Time now for the Missing Words Round, | 0:37:41 | 0:37:43 | |
which this week features as its guest publication | 0:37:43 | 0:37:46 | |
Bacon Today. | 0:37:46 | 0:37:48 | |
You can find it on the shelves next to | 0:37:49 | 0:37:51 | |
Heart Attack Tomorrow. | 0:37:51 | 0:37:52 | |
And we start with... | 0:37:52 | 0:37:54 | |
Barry Manilow! | 0:37:56 | 0:37:57 | |
Cilla Black. | 0:37:59 | 0:38:01 | |
It's movie snow. | 0:38:02 | 0:38:04 | |
Good fact. You'd think they'd use Frosties. | 0:38:04 | 0:38:06 | |
Next... | 0:38:07 | 0:38:08 | |
They are willing to forgive him | 0:38:11 | 0:38:13 | |
for those awful mobile phone adverts. | 0:38:13 | 0:38:15 | |
You can tell someone's a bacon addict if... | 0:38:22 | 0:38:24 | |
Luckily, bacon addiction is one that can be cured. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:32 | |
The real problem... HE LAUGHS | 0:38:33 | 0:38:36 | |
You're going to be very disappointed | 0:38:36 | 0:38:38 | |
with your Christmas cracker jokes if you don't like that one! | 0:38:38 | 0:38:40 | |
Next... | 0:38:40 | 0:38:41 | |
Pissed. | 0:38:48 | 0:38:49 | |
A large slab of bacon! | 0:38:52 | 0:38:54 | |
Shove it through their letterbox. | 0:38:55 | 0:38:58 | |
"Here you are, love, dead pig." | 0:38:58 | 0:39:00 | |
-Is it right? -I don't know, I can't find it. I've lost it. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:05 | |
What was that last one? | 0:39:07 | 0:39:08 | |
-I've got it. -You've got it? Great. -I'm back in order. Phew! | 0:39:08 | 0:39:11 | |
-Bacon flowers. -Bacon roses! | 0:39:12 | 0:39:15 | |
Bacon roses. Oh, I see. | 0:39:15 | 0:39:17 | |
GROANING | 0:39:17 | 0:39:18 | |
Smells nice. | 0:39:18 | 0:39:20 | |
Next... | 0:39:20 | 0:39:21 | |
Host on Have I Got News For You that knows what they're doing. | 0:39:23 | 0:39:26 | |
-Next year's big thing... -LAUGHTER | 0:39:26 | 0:39:28 | |
..is expected to be... | 0:39:28 | 0:39:30 | |
And finally... | 0:39:36 | 0:39:37 | |
What noise does a washing machine make, though? | 0:39:41 | 0:39:43 | |
-Woom-woom. -Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! | 0:39:43 | 0:39:46 | |
Bruce Forsyth! "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." | 0:39:46 | 0:39:48 | |
That's the spin. | 0:39:48 | 0:39:50 | |
It's a very fast cycle, that one. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:53 | |
Lesley thinks it's saying, | 0:39:59 | 0:40:00 | |
"Come on, then," in a Cockney accent. | 0:40:00 | 0:40:02 | |
Shall we have a listen? | 0:40:02 | 0:40:03 | |
-Yeah. -Yeah, let's, I want to hear this. -Here we go. | 0:40:03 | 0:40:07 | |
MACHINE MAKES NOISE LIKE "Come on, then" | 0:40:07 | 0:40:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:10 | 0:40:12 | |
-"Come on, then. Come on, then." -Yeah, it's good. Definitely. | 0:40:18 | 0:40:21 | |
"Come on, then. Come on, then." | 0:40:21 | 0:40:22 | |
The machine has three cycles, for delicates, woollens, | 0:40:22 | 0:40:24 | |
-and Dot Cottons. -Hooray! -Ba-dum-tish! | 0:40:24 | 0:40:27 | |
So the final scores are, Handbag and Paul - 5. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:33 | |
Ian and Jon - 5. It's a tie. | 0:40:33 | 0:40:35 | |
-Oh, well, there we are. -APPLAUSE | 0:40:35 | 0:40:37 | |
Unbelievable. We've done it, we beat the handbag. | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, | 0:40:41 | 0:40:44 | |
Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson, | 0:40:44 | 0:40:46 | |
Paul Merton and Handbag, | 0:40:46 | 0:40:48 | |
and I leave you with news | 0:40:48 | 0:40:49 | |
that the creative team behind Tinder introduce Sniffer, | 0:40:49 | 0:40:52 | |
a new dating website for dogs. | 0:40:52 | 0:40:54 | |
In Washington, as President and Mrs Obama | 0:40:58 | 0:41:01 | |
share a warm and tender embrace, one embarrassed bystander | 0:41:01 | 0:41:04 | |
doesn't know where to look. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:06 | |
And after being told to gather promptly at eight o'clock, | 0:41:12 | 0:41:14 | |
staff at the Foreign Office Christmas party begin to wonder | 0:41:14 | 0:41:17 | |
where Boris has got to. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:19 | |
Goodnight. | 0:41:23 | 0:41:24 |