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This is an issue, gang. I'm sorry. I couldn't find any tissues. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-So I apologise. -Would you like a clean handkerchief? -It's linen...! | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
I'm afraid to say, constituents often cry in my surgery. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
So I find it very useful to have a clean handkerchief. | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
-I can imagine that so clearly. -I thought you might. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:19 | |
This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Mel Giedroyc. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
And in the news this week, on a well-deserved break in Tenerife, | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
Sports Direct's Mike Ashley dives effortlessly into his swimming pool. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
At Chevening House, as Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
all bring their pets for the weekend, | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
it's a tough day for the local dog walker. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
And at his constituency in Tatton, | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
George Osborne denies he's still obsessed with austerity | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
as he makes a few adjustments to the village Christmas tree. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who, in 2007, | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
married Helena de Chair, who I believe was one of a set of six. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:59 | |
Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
And with Paul tonight is creator and star of Citizen Khan, | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
the funniest thing to come out of Birmingham | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
since the estimated completion date of HS2. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
-Please welcome Adil Ray. -Thank you. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
And we start with the biggest stories of the week. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
Paul and Adil, take a look at this. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
-PAUL: -It's Theresa May. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
That's the House of Commons a long time ago. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
The England cricket team. There we are. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
And they are setting fire to the EU fire regulations. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
There she is again. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
-There was a judge asleep there. -There was a sleeping judge there. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
That's an appalling slur, right at the top of the show. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
The suggestion that it was so dull in court he'd be asleep... | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
-Don't you think that's appalling? -Indeed. I'm shocked. -Good. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
The wigs are very hot, though. So maybe he was just having a quick... | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
Are they usually wide-awake, the judges you appear in front of? | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:05 | 0:03:11 | |
In the Supreme Court, they don't wear wigs. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
They are rather modern in the Supreme Court. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
-They just where ordinary clothes. -They come as The Supremes. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
This is the news that Parliament backed Theresa May | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
to trigger the Brexit processed by the end of March next year. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
The papers seemed pretty clear. The Telegraph had... | 0:03:27 | 0:03:32 | |
The Eye had... | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
The Express went with... | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
While the headlines on the 10 o'clock news | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
on the British Bremoaning Corporation | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
on Wednesday didn't even Bremention it. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
So who was this a victory for, Labour or the government? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:52 | |
-What do we think? -Oh, huge victory for the government. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
A triumph for the Conservative Party, | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
for Mrs May and the Chief Whip. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
This is the post-truth era. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
It was a bit of a climb-down, though, wasn't it, | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
to say, "I'm not going to tell you the plan." | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
And then say, "Well, we will tell you the plan." | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
We've been told the plan. We are leaving the European Union. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
Brexit means Brexit. And... | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
No, that's the aim. What's the plan? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
That's what happens at the end of a two-year process. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
That is it. We leave. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
And it's been very clear from the other side, | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
from Mr Tusk and Mr Barnier, that we can't cherry-pick, | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
that there is no such thing as hard Brexit or soft Brexit, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
there's either Brexit or remaining in the European Union. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
But Mrs May uses this metaphor of a cliff edge. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
And that was your leader. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
That was her own metaphor, "We don't want to go over the cliff edge." | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
She used a better metaphor, | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
so you'd have "a red white and blue Brexit", | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
-which is the one I prefer. -Right. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
-So you're cherry-picking her metaphors. -I am, yes. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
Let's have a little look. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Is it hard, soft? Is it grey, white? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
That is the right Brexit for the United Kingdom. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Hang on a minute, no mention of brown there. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
I know what she's up to. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
It's a wonderful patriotic way of putting it. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
We all understand exactly what she means. She's going to go... | 0:05:16 | 0:05:20 | |
into these negotiations, like Boadicea on her chariot and is going to | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
come back with a fine success for the United Kingdom. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
-What, with the knives going there? -LAUGHTER | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
How did the Star make this story more fun, | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
while not exactly making it any clearer? | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
-Theresa May with her kit off. -Oh... | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
Almost, yes. Yes, almost. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
Have a little look at this. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
We go up the body, Geri, Geri... Theresa. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
I didn't see anything like that in the Financial Times. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
But then, they are terrible Remainers. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
Well, people who know what they're talking about | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
with the financial markets. | 0:05:58 | 0:05:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:59 | 0:06:03 | |
But, Jacob, am I right in saying that you wanted | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
a hard, white Brexit with a runny yolk. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
-You're absolutely right, yes. -Is that right? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
You're absolutely spot on. I think that's how we should have it. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
We should have an absolutely solid and clear Brexit, | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
but we should be generous to our European friends, | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
as far as we possibly can be. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
When you knock the top off your egg of a morning, Jacob, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
are you a peeler or are you a slicer? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
Do you know, I'm all in favour of Brexit, I never have breakfast. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
-So I can't really... -Brexfast. -Or Brexfast. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
-ADIL: -His butler does it, come on. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
You're asking the wrong person. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
Perhaps he doesn't walk around in daylight. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
We've covered that. It's all right, we'll carry on. Good. Excellent. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
-I love this, it's brisk. -Yes. Bloody brisk. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
Have you got somewhere to go? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
-I do, actually. -Channel 4. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Now, the Daily Mail insisted that it was right to discuss | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
the 11 Supreme Court judges' backgrounds. And why not? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Given that they will be passing judgment on what will be an issue | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
that affects the lives of everyone in the country, here they are. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
Here are the 11 judges. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
Er...that looks like a picture of your stag party, Jacob. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
Nine went to Oxbridge, nine went to public school, | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
two of which are old Etonians and there is one woman. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
-What, only two old Etonians? -I'm afraid so, Jacob. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
Most of them are in prison these days, so... | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:36 | 0:07:37 | |
What's the official title of the government's lead QC, | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
James Eadie, do you know? | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Jimmy. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
-Jimmy Eadie. -LIVERPUDDLIAN ACCENT: -How you doin', Jimmy? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
All right, are ya? Not too bad, you know, | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
now I've become like aa top lawyer an' all that. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
Is it Treasury Counsel or some title like that? | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
-Treasury is correct, but he's got another little... -Treasury Tag. -No. | 0:07:56 | 0:08:00 | |
-Treasury... -Chest. Treasury Deer. -Treasury Devil. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
Is absolutely right. Well done, Jacob. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Now, who is everyone's favourite judge? | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
Who's proving to really be the kind of star of the Supreme Court, | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
certainly on social media? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
-Judge Rinder. -LAUGHTER | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
-There's another one, though. -Is there? -Jonathan Sumption. -Yes! | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
Shall we have a look at him? He's got very lovely hair. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:29 | |
And yes, he's got a big brain. Look at that forehead! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
He's written the authoritative history of the Hundred Years' War | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
at the same time as being a very leading legal figure. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
He is a most extraordinarily clever man. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
How does he keep his head going up like that? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
-Well... -That's amazing! -He's got a hairdryer up his trousers. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
That's what he tells the wife anyway. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
This court case, of course, is pretty momentous. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
It's all been extremely exciting. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
-Shall we have a look at the riveting workings of the Supreme Court? -Yeah. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:01 | |
Sadly, we're not actually allowed to show you any footage from the court, | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
but do you think it'd be possible to sort of stage our own | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
repertory theatre Crown Court here? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:08 | |
I'd fight anybody who said we couldn't do it. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
All right, good. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
I've got some scripts here. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:13 | |
-Paul, I'd very much like you to be Lord Pannick. -Lord Pannick. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
Adil, please will you take the part of Lord Clarke? | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
Jacob, I'd like you to be Lady Hale, please. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
And, Ian, please, the President. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
No expense spared here on Have I Got News For You. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
We've got wigs, we've got ruddy wigs. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
I know, Jacob, you said they don't have wigs in the Supreme Court. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
-They don't. -But tonight they do. Just go with it, Jacob. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
So two comedy judge wigs for you. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
Now, of course, we need a... | 0:09:39 | 0:09:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
Which way do they go on? | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
I'm afraid I'm not wearing a wig. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
AUDIENCE: Awww! | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
Come on! Wig! Wig! Wig! | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Wig! Wig! Wig! Wig! | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
I'm not wearing a wig for the very obvious reason I'm a Tory | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
-and I can't therefore wear a "Whig". -Awww! | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
I'll happily put it on the desk in front of me. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
All right, my love. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:09 | |
That's good, that's good. Well done, Adil. See, Adil's wearing a wig. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
I'm wearing a wig. They accuse people like me of not integrating. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
-High Court judge! -APPLAUSE | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
I've reached the top. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
Stop! In the name of love... | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
Where's Diana gone? Where's she gone? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
Paul, I very much like the way one flap is sort of back | 0:10:32 | 0:10:36 | |
-and one is forward. -It's deliberate. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
It's very alluring, it's very alluring. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
Flirting. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:41 | |
Ian, we've got the President for you. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
Who is the President? | 0:10:44 | 0:10:45 | |
Oh, sorry, I said, "Could we get a President wig?" I think... | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
It's Trump, isn't it? | 0:10:48 | 0:10:49 | |
They might... APPLAUSE | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
There's been a bit of a mix-up at the wig store. Sorry, Ian. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Catch. Catch. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:55 | |
Jacob... | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
AUDIENCE BOOS | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
Oh, what, just because Jacob's not wearing a wig, | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Ian's not going to wear one, either? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
-Well... -Oh. -I think we've won this round already. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
It's amazing the number of people | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
-who think they've got dignity to lose, isn't it? -Exactly! | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
Now, it's about the pronunciation of the name in an old case. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:21 | |
OK, lovely, so... | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
-Gents, let the drama begin, my darlings. -I'll kick off, shall I? | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
POSH ELDERLY VOICE: | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
"De Kee-ser." | 0:11:42 | 0:11:43 | |
"I will call it De Kee-ser." | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
"You say De Kee-ser, I say De Kai-ser." | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
IN ACCENT: | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:57 | 0:11:58 | |
Very strong. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, rounds of applause. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
I tell you what, if we keep these on, they'll have to use it. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
-They won't be able to cut it out. -Exactly. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
We've got 'em on now. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
You should have thought of that before you handed out the props. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
Way-hay! Look at this! | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
We've having a party. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:24 | |
The Supreme Court panel includes Baroness Hale and ten lords, | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
for whom this is a particularly busy time of year, | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
as they have a lot of a-leaping to do. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
One of the Supreme Court judges is Lord Clarke | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
of... | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
..which I can only assume is some public school version | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
of rock-paper-scissors. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:00 | 0:13:01 | |
(I think we were right not to wear the wigs.) | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
-I think you're right. -Jacob, what did you whisper just then? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
Something about the wigs? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
I said I thought the two of us were right not to wear the wigs. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
They're still here if you change your mind. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
You know, it wouldn't be beyond the wit of the production team | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
just to sort of have a photograph of you | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
and just sort of computer Photoshop the wig on top. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
But the BBC wouldn't behave in such a disgraceful way. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:22 | |
Well, I've given them half an hour's warning. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Ian and Jacob, take a look at this. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
Ah, this is a by-election being held today. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
I don't think he's won. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
That's the Lib Dems. That's a fish, he's not a Lib Dem. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
And that's Zac. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
"Something fishy here," says the fish. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
-"I thought -I -had a bad day." | 0:13:45 | 0:13:46 | |
By-elections - | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
we had one last week where very sadly Zac Goldsmith lost his seat | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
and we've got one in Sleaford and North Hykeham today. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
We will have the result by the time this is being watched. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
And I expect it'll be a gigantic victory for Conservatism | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
and therefore a day of rejoicing and song. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
It was a big Tory majority that was overturned, though, wasn't it? | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
-Yeah, in Richmond. -We didn't have a candidate in Richmond. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
Zac was standing as an independent. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:13 | |
Why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate? | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
-Um, why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate? -That's what I asked. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
Yes, um... | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
Because we thought it might reduce Zac's chances of winning. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
But why did you want him to win? | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
He'd just said, "I resign." | 0:14:26 | 0:14:27 | |
Because he had been a Conservative before | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
and, to be perfectly honest, we didn't want the Lib Dems to win, | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
which was a worse result than an independent winning | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
and sadly that worse result came to pass. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
-Sort of in spades, really. -Well, not really - | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
they've gone from eight to nine in the House of Commons, | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
which I don't think is going to change the world much. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
-Zac lost for the second time in a year. -Yeah. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
-It's not a good year for him, was it? -He's had a heck of a year. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
Of course, he lost the London mayoral election to Sadiq Khan | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
after a campaign that involved | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
a little bit of scaremongering about Muslims. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
And who else became embroiled in this issue this week? | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Oh, yes, the American author | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
who said that London is becoming Islamic. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
-Yes. -Yes, yes. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Janie Johnson is her name and she tweeted this... | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
Now, Janie's tweet was met with a variety of responses. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:29 | 0:15:30 | |
Yep. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
That is now known as the "Burqin". | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
-The "Burqin"? -Yep. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:36 | |
Somebody else responded to Janie... | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
The Labour candidate in Richmond lost his deposit. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
Do you know any of the issues that he is big on? | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
One of them was not getting anyone to vote for him. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
That became quite a big issue. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
There are more members of the Labour Party in Richmond | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
than people who voted for him, which is quite poor | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
if you can't even get your own members to vote for you. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
According to The Telegraph... | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
Probably needed toilet paper when he saw his results coming through. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:25 | |
Does he champion the bidet? | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
Oh, I don't like a bidet. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:28 | |
-Don't you? -I don't, no. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
Two days before D-Day, did you know that? | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
It's true. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
True story. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
I don't know. Jacob, how do you feel about a bidet? | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Is it non-you, is it a bit non-you? | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
Very Continental. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:47 | 0:16:48 | |
What you think Zac might do with all this free time that | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
-he's suddenly got? -Well, I hope he'll come back into politics. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:55 | |
-He looks a bit broken, though, Jacob. -Oh, he's made of tough stuff. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
No, he's got... like his father, he'll bounce back. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
It'll be really hard for him to go back to those millions and his big house. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
Really tough for him. How will he survive? | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
-His father was always sueing you. -Yes. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
Your predecessor, more accurately. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
His father wanted Private Eye to be shut down. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
-He tried a criminal libel action. -He did! | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
You've got a very good memory for these things. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
I don't take it personally, I just hope he... | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
is never seen again. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Zac may want to follow in the footsteps of highly respected former | 0:17:27 | 0:17:31 | |
leading lights of their parties, Ed Balls and Michael Portillo. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:35 | |
Have a little look at this. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
These words were first sung by Chancellor Norman Lamont after he screwed the economy. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:41 | |
There they go. Happy, happy people. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
Happy smiling people. Just hope they know the way out. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:51 | |
Yes, there they go. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:54 | |
-Did they actually hear the music? -I don't know! I don't know. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
What was Michael Portillo doing? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:03 | |
He looked like a sort of weird donkey, didn't he? | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
His legs were all over the shop. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
Who did we learn is quite thin-skinned this week? | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
-Boris Johnson? -Yeah. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:13 | |
Ministers have been ordered to stop making jokes about him | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
in a bid to banish his... | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Do you think people might take Mr Johnson more seriously | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
if he actually learnt to dress himself properly? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Have a look at this. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
I think that is exactly the attire | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
you would expect a dashing young foreign secretary to have. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:40 | |
Give us an approximation of where your tie goes down to tonight. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
Is it a little short job or is it a low-slung...? | 0:18:43 | 0:18:47 | |
My...tie goes to a suitable level for a tie to go. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
-Are we still talking about ties? -We're talking about ties. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
But that is ludicrous. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a long tie. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
It's more of a noose, really, isn't it? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
Now, Jacob, you supported Boris for the leadership, didn't you? | 0:19:07 | 0:19:11 | |
-Yes, great man. -Until he was... | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
And very popular on Have I Got News For You? | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
You supported Boris until he was stabbed in the back by Michael Gove, | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
then you supported Gove until he was knocked out. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
Then you supported Andrea Leadsom. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:26 | |
Presumably that was, kind of, just for a laugh. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
In any case, are you really a fan of Mrs May and the chief whips? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:34 | |
Oh, absolutely. There is, um...greater zeal in a convert | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
than there is in somebody who starts off down the road, | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
though I certainly accept that my predictions | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
during the Conservative leadership campaign were not always correct. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
You see, you can do the diplomacy thing, | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
whereas Boris really can't do it, can he? | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
-Yes. -Oh, I don't know. I think he's marvellous. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
-A jolly good fellow. -You're just being silly now. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
No, I'm not, I'm not. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
I think he's a great representative for the country on the world stage. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
People want to meet Boris, they're interested in him. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
They want to be offended by him, they want to... | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
The row today is that he said something | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
that most people know to be true. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
So I can't see why people should be too upset. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
-I think the shock... -But then Mrs May said it wasn't true! | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
Then Mrs May said it didn't fully represent government policy, | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
-that's a different thing. -LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:16 | 0:20:21 | |
This is the Sleaford and North Hykeham by-election | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
that's happening as we speak. As has become tradition, | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
the by-election featured three joke candidates | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
who stood for the Monster Raving Loony Party, | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
the Bus-pass Elvis Party, and the Labour Party. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
According to The Times, the Green Party were offered £250,000 | 0:20:36 | 0:20:40 | |
to sit out the Richmond by-election, but... | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
..as it was going to be paid in meat-based fivers. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
According to a recent review of social integration, | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
newcomers to this country could soon be made to swear an oath | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
that encourages immigrants... | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
..which these days presumably goes, | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
"I do solemnly swear to shout at myself on buses | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
"and tell myself to piss off back where I came from." | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
And onwards to Round Two. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
Oh, I love this one. The Picture Spin Quiz. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:21:17 | 0:21:18 | |
-That's Mark Carney. -Yes. -The governor of the Bank of England, | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
who says we shouldn't worry about anything we're worrying about | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
at the moment because all our jobs will be taken over by robots. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
You are bang-on. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
All these robots coming over here, taking our jobs. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
Jobs meant for us Pakistanis. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
I remember Harold Macmillan saying exactly the same thing. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
"Jobs for us Pakistanis"? | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
-LAUGHTER -I knew it! | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
Andy Haldane, the Bank's chief economist, | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
did have some slightly reassuring news. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
What jobs did he deem safe from the robo-invasion? | 0:21:49 | 0:21:53 | |
Robot-making jobs. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:53 | |
-They're going to do well. -Good. -They're going to do really well. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
Undertakers. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
-Ooh, kind of... -You don't want to be buried by robots, do you? | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
-ROBOTIC VOICE: -You will be sadly missed. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:06 | 0:22:07 | |
-Hairdressers. -Yes! Hairdressers, Ian. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
Oh, you're kidding. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
-..apparently. -Well, nannies are indestructible. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Why might robots not be an immediate threat if you work in a laundry? | 0:22:19 | 0:22:24 | |
They're allergic to steam. Rusts them up. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:28 | |
Good, we should all get into water-based industries. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
-ROBOTIC VOICE: -I have a superior intelligence, | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
but it's steam. I cannot take this steam. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
You're really enjoying that character, Paul, aren't you? | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
-You're really good at robots. -Well, there's a reason for that... | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
Go on, then. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:43 | |
IMITATING DALEK: Can you do a Dalek? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
Brex-terminate! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Jacob, come on. Robot! Robot! Robot! | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
Jacob, we've all done them. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
RHYTHMIC CLAPPING Come on, Jacob. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
I would if I could, but I can't. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:03 | |
-ADIL: -That was brilliant! -LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
according to BBC News,Panasonic have invested60 millionand10 yearsin developing the... | 0:23:12 | 0:23:21 | |
Yeah! It's... | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
-That's a long time! -10 minutes?! -I know! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
The NHS has already started using robots. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
A robot is replacing the NHS's only registered... | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
The NHS used to employ one man - one man - | 0:23:43 | 0:23:48 | |
to offer up his rectum to teach students | 0:23:48 | 0:23:51 | |
how to carry out examinations. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
He is being replaced by a... | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
And here it is. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
CRIES OF DISGUST | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
-ADIL: -What's that?! What is that bit between his legs?! | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
We're all thinking that, aren't we? | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
What is that?! Is it the end of Boris Johnson's tie? | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
That patient is beyond having his rectum examined. Look at him. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
He's got no legs, no torso. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
What's up his arse is the least of his troubles. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
Does it make the noise? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
AARGH! | 0:24:27 | 0:24:28 | |
Or... Mm! | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
Oh, you'll have to take me out for dinner now. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
Now, which politician have some people suggested might actually be a robot? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:43 | |
-Dr Liam Fox. -No. -No? | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
He's got wires coming out of the back of his head. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
Hillary Clinton. Mainly because she claps like this. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
If that was a pair of cymbals she'd be doing really well in the 1812 Overture. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:05 | |
Yes, although Michael Gove has also been under some suspicion. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:09 | |
At least from Laura Swift on Twitter, | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
since she noticed his human suit malfunctioning. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
Yes, this is Mark Carney's warning | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
that 15 million jobs may be at risk from robots. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
Just Eat has delivered its first takeaway using a delivery droid. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
The customer was delighted with the service until he failed to tip | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
and the droid vaporised his house with a thermo laser. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
Meanwhile, a robot has gone berserk, injuring bystanders | 0:25:39 | 0:25:43 | |
at a Chinese tech fair. Here is the robot. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
It looks like someone's thrown one of Little Mix into a flip-top bin. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:51 | |
-Fingers on buzzers, please. -Yeah, absolutely. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
-There we go. -Person Of The Year. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Oh, yes, Time magazine, you're right. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
As if the year hadn't been bad enough. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:08 | |
And it's very prestigious. There were a huge number of people up for the award. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:12 | |
-Nigel Farage was one of them. -Farage was up. There are small mercies. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:17 | |
-Do you know who else was in the running? -No, anyone. Well, | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
death, famine, war, plague... | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
-He reminds me a bit of Vladimir Putin. -Putin was up? | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
Yeah, Putin was up for it. Nigel Farage and... | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
What has Trump previously said about Time magazine in a tweet? | 0:26:31 | 0:26:36 | |
-Oh, tell us. -Well, in 2013 he tweeted... | 0:26:36 | 0:26:40 | |
And even last year Trump tweeted in response to Angela Merkel winning... | 0:26:47 | 0:26:53 | |
Now, to be fair, Time has not exactly been very consistent with Trump either. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:04 | |
How have they previously covered him, do you know? | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
Honestly. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:09 | |
They've been rather put off by some of his antics. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
They have indeed. Here's their cover from August. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:19 | |
Here's this week. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:23 | |
What have people been noticing about this image of Trump on the cover of Time? | 0:27:26 | 0:27:30 | |
Do you notice anything there? | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
-Oh, do you think it's a subtle devil joke? -Exactamundo. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
They think the M has given Donald horns. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
There you go. And how did Time explain that? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
"Incredible accident. We don't really pay a lot of attention to what's on the cover. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:46 | |
"The person taking the photograph wasn't the person designing the background. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
"They should have met, but they didn't really and we thought we'd get away with it." | 0:27:49 | 0:27:53 | |
They said it was a common occurrence. Everyone from Margaret Thatcher... | 0:27:53 | 0:27:57 | |
Donald Trump is a controversial choice, but being chosen as Times Person Of The Year | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
isn't necessarily an endorsement. | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
The award has previously gone to some of the most notorious figures in history, | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
including Hitler, Stalin and Bono. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:17 | |
Donald Trump has risked offending China with a series of late-night tweets. | 0:28:17 | 0:28:21 | |
Tensions between the President- elect and China could lead to a diplomatic incident. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:25 | |
If Trump ever visits Beijing, there are fears that the Chinese | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
might grab the bird's nest off his head and turn it into soup. | 0:28:28 | 0:28:32 | |
Fingers very much on buzzers, please, teams. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:36 | |
This is about the Turner Prize, isn't it? | 0:28:41 | 0:28:45 | |
Yeah. Spot-on. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
It's the news that a massive arse has just missed out on winning the Turner Prize. | 0:28:47 | 0:28:52 | |
So what did win? | 0:28:52 | 0:28:55 | |
-A sort of collection of bits all stuck together. -Yes. | 0:28:55 | 0:28:58 | |
It's basically a load of old rubbish. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
Same as every year, sure, sure, but this year it was on purpose. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:04 | |
Macclesfield born artist Helen Marten | 0:29:04 | 0:29:07 | |
carefully arranges objects from everyday life, including... | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
..to create sculptural poems like this. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:18 | |
Does that speak to you, Jacob? Do you like that? | 0:29:18 | 0:29:20 | |
It doesn't speak to me. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:23 | |
-ADIL: -It's a bit Blue Peter, isn't it? | 0:29:23 | 0:29:25 | |
-JACOB: -But I think you need the one that was made earlier. -WOMAN GROANS | 0:29:25 | 0:29:29 | |
She loved that over there! Clearly supported you. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:33 | |
Mrs Rees Mogg, welcome! Hi! | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
Now, Michael Gove certainly was not impressed. What did he tweet? | 0:29:40 | 0:29:45 | |
He thinks it's all rubbish and ugly and gloomy and so on. | 0:29:45 | 0:29:49 | |
He said in his tweet... | 0:29:49 | 0:29:51 | |
Hard to pull off, I think, cultural snobbery, | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
when you're tweeting like a total #unt. Now... | 0:30:02 | 0:30:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:05 | 0:30:07 | |
Gove also thought that the prize was a celebration, albeit a celebration of... | 0:30:07 | 0:30:11 | |
Come on, Mike, things are going to pick up. | 0:30:16 | 0:30:19 | |
Shall we have a little look at some of the other entries? | 0:30:19 | 0:30:22 | |
I'll show you one of their works and you have to guess what it's about. | 0:30:22 | 0:30:26 | |
What is going on here? | 0:30:26 | 0:30:27 | |
Is it the entrance to the new giftshop? | 0:30:30 | 0:30:34 | |
MEL SNORTS | 0:30:34 | 0:30:35 | |
Now, what's this one about? Have a look at this one. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
Never have a suit made by a bricklayer. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
It's not a suit I would choose. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:47 | |
It's another work, actually, from Anthea Hamilton's show. | 0:30:47 | 0:30:50 | |
Sounds a bit like Jamie Oliver calling his kids in for dinner. | 0:30:53 | 0:30:56 | |
It wouldn't be the Turner Prize, of course, without the Turnip Prize, | 0:31:00 | 0:31:04 | |
which featured terrible punning works of art. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:06 | |
For example, 2013's winner was this. | 0:31:06 | 0:31:08 | |
A Play On Words. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:10 | |
Oh... | 0:31:10 | 0:31:13 | |
So, teams, buzz in if you can guess what this year's entrants | 0:31:13 | 0:31:19 | |
for the Turnip Prize are called. | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
-What do we think? -Bricks It. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:25 | |
MEL GASPS Very strong, Ian. Absolutely. | 0:31:25 | 0:31:28 | |
That's bricks spelling out the word "It" to make Bricks It. Well done. | 0:31:28 | 0:31:33 | |
Anyone would think I'd worked as a terrible journalist. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:36 | |
Have a look at this one. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
This is a Barbie Doll giving birth to a party blower to make...? | 0:31:38 | 0:31:44 | |
Sorry! | 0:31:44 | 0:31:46 | |
It's Boris Johnson's tie yet again! | 0:31:46 | 0:31:49 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:31:49 | 0:31:52 | |
-She is in... -Labour. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:54 | |
-Yes. -Labour blows something. | 0:31:54 | 0:31:57 | |
-No. -Labour Party. -Labour Party! Well done. | 0:31:57 | 0:31:59 | |
I think you both get that. Very good. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:02 | |
And finally here is this year's winner of the Turnip Prize. | 0:32:02 | 0:32:06 | |
This is a black pole to make...? | 0:32:06 | 0:32:10 | |
-ADIL: -Oh, Pole-Dark? -Yes! Well done. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:12 | |
Absolutely right. | 0:32:12 | 0:32:14 | |
Can't believe I'm so pleased with myself for getting that right! | 0:32:14 | 0:32:17 | |
This is the announcement of the Turner Prize. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
One of the losing entries was... | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
And that lost! Tough year. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:30 | |
Time now for the Odd One Out Round. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:31 | |
Kim Jong-un, Zacchaeus, | 0:32:31 | 0:32:34 | |
Mike Ashley, and Lois Olsen. | 0:32:34 | 0:32:37 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:32:37 | 0:32:38 | |
-We know the topical ones. Zacchaeus... -Hmm. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:41 | |
Um... | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
He was a tax collector, and was therefore shunned | 0:32:43 | 0:32:45 | |
by a lot of people in those days who didn't want to pay taxes. | 0:32:45 | 0:32:49 | |
How much things have changed. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:51 | |
Is it not about tax? | 0:32:52 | 0:32:54 | |
Not to do with taxes, but it is to do with money. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:56 | |
Well, that's the man from Sports Direct. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:58 | |
-Mm-hmm. Mike Ashley. -Who didn't pay people enough. | 0:32:58 | 0:33:00 | |
Well, they've all earnt money, but she's won some money. | 0:33:00 | 0:33:03 | |
Oh, you haven't mentioned Kim, Kim Jong-un. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:06 | |
It's more to do with him. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
He's the only one in charge of a rogue nuclear state. | 0:33:08 | 0:33:10 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:33:14 | 0:33:16 | |
They all have too much money apart from Kim Jong-un, | 0:33:16 | 0:33:20 | |
who's had to start selling dog-meat ready meals | 0:33:20 | 0:33:23 | |
to raise money for some nuclear warheads. | 0:33:23 | 0:33:26 | |
Absolutely true, apparently. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:28 | |
So who is Kim planning on selling his dog-meat ready meals to? | 0:33:28 | 0:33:32 | |
Dogs. | 0:33:32 | 0:33:34 | |
-Is he hoping to export them? -Yes. | 0:33:34 | 0:33:37 | |
Is it the first of our new, exciting trade deals? | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
Dog meat from North Korea. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
According to The Sun newspaper... | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
Included in the range is powdered dog, | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
to which you just add hot water. Presumably called Not Poodle. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:02 | |
Predictably, the story did cause a stir in the comments section | 0:34:11 | 0:34:15 | |
on The Sun Online. Well, actually, there was just one comment. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
Stephen Bentley wrote... | 0:34:18 | 0:34:19 | |
Now, you mentioned the older lady in the foursome. | 0:34:23 | 0:34:27 | |
80-year-old Lois Olsen, that is, from Canada. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:30 | |
She won 50 million in the lottery this week. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:33 | |
How did she react to the incredible news? | 0:34:33 | 0:34:36 | |
-NORTHERN ACCENT: -Bloody hell! | 0:34:36 | 0:34:38 | |
She's from Canada. | 0:34:38 | 0:34:40 | |
-Oh, right. -AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: -Bloody hell! | 0:34:40 | 0:34:43 | |
She's from Canada. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:44 | 0:34:47 | |
Yeah, she says... | 0:34:49 | 0:34:51 | |
Can anyone tell me some unusual things | 0:34:56 | 0:34:58 | |
that would be more likely to happen to you than winning the lottery? | 0:34:58 | 0:35:02 | |
-Struck by lightning? -Mm-hm. -Playing centre forward for Burnley. | 0:35:02 | 0:35:05 | |
According to the Independent, you're more likely to be hit by part of a plane falling from the sky, | 0:35:05 | 0:35:09 | |
die from flesh-eating bacteria, be crushed by a meteor, | 0:35:09 | 0:35:13 | |
give birth to identical quadruplets, | 0:35:13 | 0:35:15 | |
become an astronaut, win an Oscar or... | 0:35:15 | 0:35:17 | |
Why did Sports Direct's billionaire Mike Ashley | 0:35:23 | 0:35:27 | |
have cause to regret having so much money earlier this year? | 0:35:27 | 0:35:31 | |
-What happened to him? -He took out a wad of £20 notes | 0:35:31 | 0:35:34 | |
-in front of his staff and got a certain amount of comment. -Yeah. | 0:35:34 | 0:35:38 | |
-They were 50 quid notes, actually. -Were they? | 0:35:38 | 0:35:42 | |
There we go. Here he is. Look at this. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:45 | |
In the Bible, Zacchaeus was described as... | 0:35:45 | 0:35:48 | |
Zacchaeus was particularly despised | 0:35:50 | 0:35:52 | |
by the Roman stand-up comedian Jimmius Carrus. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:55 | |
Oh, hang on, Jacob, sorry. | 0:35:58 | 0:36:00 | |
Yeah, I've just got word in from the Photoshopping department. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:04 | |
Let's have a little look at this. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:06 | 0:36:09 | |
Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week | 0:36:15 | 0:36:18 | |
features as its guest publication, Carrot Country. | 0:36:18 | 0:36:21 | |
It's got a regular medical page, entitled What's Up, Doc? | 0:36:21 | 0:36:26 | |
And we start with... | 0:36:28 | 0:36:30 | |
The three dwarfs who didn't make it into the pantomime. | 0:36:33 | 0:36:36 | |
Purple, Scrawny and Pungent. | 0:36:37 | 0:36:39 | |
Hey, Snow White. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:41 | |
-JACOB: -A carrot. | 0:36:43 | 0:36:45 | |
It is, of course, to do with carrots. The answer is... | 0:36:45 | 0:36:48 | |
Carrot Country reveals that carrots used to be purple, red and black | 0:36:51 | 0:36:54 | |
until orange carrots as we know them were bred by the Dutch. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:58 | |
So, selective breeding made them orange, just like the Trump family. | 0:36:58 | 0:37:01 | |
Next... | 0:37:01 | 0:37:03 | |
-JACOB: -I'm sticking with carrots. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:09 | |
Is it deaath? | 0:37:09 | 0:37:11 | |
-Close. -Heaven. -No. -Devon. | 0:37:11 | 0:37:14 | |
No. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:16 | |
The answer is a nuclear bomb. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:18 | |
-Really? -Yeah. | 0:37:18 | 0:37:20 | |
The Metro reports that the Russian RS-28 Sarmat missile is... | 0:37:20 | 0:37:24 | |
Which ideally would be France. | 0:37:27 | 0:37:29 | |
Next. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:30 | |
Carrots. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:36 | |
Jacob, are you just going to say carrots for every single answer? | 0:37:36 | 0:37:40 | |
Well, I got one right and we got a point, so I might get another. | 0:37:40 | 0:37:44 | |
I know this one. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:49 | |
It's 25 Liberal MPs. | 0:37:49 | 0:37:52 | |
They're building slowly, but, you know, in 200 million years, | 0:37:53 | 0:37:57 | |
they're going to be right back up there. | 0:37:57 | 0:37:59 | |
It's 25 hours in the day because the Earth is going slower. | 0:37:59 | 0:38:03 | |
And therefore we're going to have an extra hour in the day. | 0:38:03 | 0:38:06 | |
You're absolutely right, there'll be 25 hours in a day. | 0:38:06 | 0:38:10 | |
Next... | 0:38:10 | 0:38:11 | |
-Of the carrot. -JACOB: -It's got to be the carrot. | 0:38:14 | 0:38:17 | |
You're absolutely right. | 0:38:17 | 0:38:19 | |
It's the year of the carrot. | 0:38:19 | 0:38:21 | |
Bang on. | 0:38:27 | 0:38:28 | |
That's according to the vegetarian option of the Chinese horoscope. | 0:38:28 | 0:38:31 | |
And next year is the year of the brassica, | 0:38:31 | 0:38:33 | |
so do put that date in your colander. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:35 | |
-GROANS -Very good, I like that. | 0:38:35 | 0:38:38 | |
Next... | 0:38:40 | 0:38:41 | |
Nuclear war. | 0:38:44 | 0:38:45 | |
Snowmen? | 0:38:45 | 0:38:47 | |
-Weevil. -Oh, well done! -What? -Paul, that's absolutely right. -Is it? -Yes. | 0:38:47 | 0:38:51 | |
The answer is... | 0:38:51 | 0:38:52 | |
-I didn't even know I knew that! -That's brilliant! | 0:39:01 | 0:39:05 | |
Next. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:06 | |
Carrots under cover posing as international playboys in French bars. | 0:39:08 | 0:39:12 | |
-FRENCH ACCENT: -It looked like a carrot, but I am an international playboy. | 0:39:12 | 0:39:16 | |
-ADIL: -Carrots under cover Isis sleeping cells. | 0:39:16 | 0:39:19 | |
-Ohh! -Carrots under cover grow bigger than those that are not under cover. | 0:39:19 | 0:39:23 | |
I'll have to give that to you. | 0:39:23 | 0:39:25 | |
The answer is carrots under cover... | 0:39:25 | 0:39:27 | |
This is the tip for carrot growers | 0:39:29 | 0:39:30 | |
to cover the earth with black plastic sheeting. | 0:39:30 | 0:39:33 | |
Another way is to put extra soil and compost on them. | 0:39:33 | 0:39:36 | |
Mm, the plot thickens. | 0:39:36 | 0:39:38 | |
And finally... | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
Carrot. | 0:39:47 | 0:39:48 | |
It's riding a horse. | 0:39:48 | 0:39:51 | |
Oh, very strong, Jacob, absolutely right. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:53 | |
Have we got the picture? It's a very good picture. | 0:39:58 | 0:40:00 | |
We've absolutely got the picture. | 0:40:00 | 0:40:02 | |
Or as it's also known, the North Korean set menu for two. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:10 | |
GROANS | 0:40:10 | 0:40:11 | |
So, the final scores are, | 0:40:13 | 0:40:15 | |
on 7, Paul and Adil, | 0:40:15 | 0:40:17 | |
but on 10, Ian and Jacob. | 0:40:17 | 0:40:20 | |
It's an extraordinary win. | 0:40:20 | 0:40:22 | |
Amazing. How? I've no idea. | 0:40:22 | 0:40:24 | |
No idea. | 0:40:24 | 0:40:26 | |
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, | 0:40:29 | 0:40:31 | |
Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg, Paul Merton and Adil Ray, | 0:40:31 | 0:40:34 | |
and I leave you with news that, | 0:40:34 | 0:40:36 | |
as Donald Trump continues to select his White House team, | 0:40:36 | 0:40:39 | |
there's a successful application for the post of Oval Office intern. | 0:40:39 | 0:40:43 | |
Campaigning in Lincolnshire, | 0:40:45 | 0:40:47 | |
a confident Nick Clegg points the way to number 76. | 0:40:47 | 0:40:50 | |
And after putting an extra-large Christmas cake in the oven, | 0:40:54 | 0:40:57 | |
disaster strikes for Paul Hollywood | 0:40:57 | 0:41:00 | |
as he eagerly decides to lick the bowl. | 0:41:00 | 0:41:02 | |
Goodnight. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:08 | |
-Jacob, do you mind if I have a blow? -No, no, by all means. | 0:41:43 | 0:41:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:49 | 0:41:52 | |
No wonder you got 10 points. | 0:41:52 | 0:41:55 |