Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Tom Hollander.

In the news this week - on a Labour team-bonding weekend

in the Lake District, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell go paragliding.

More extraordinary footage emerges on Planet Earth II

when David Attenborough goes filming as the pubs close in Glasgow.

And on a holiday in San Francisco,

Daniel Craig regrets telling his family,

"I've been doing this for years.

"Trust me, it's easy."

On Paul's team tonight is the Ukip leadership candidate

who said her aim was to get rid of the Labour Party.

That's going terrifically well, what have you been doing?

Please welcome Suzanne Evans.

APPLAUSE

And with Ian tonight,

a comedian who went to the same public school as George Osborne.

He even used to steal his lunch money -

£500 a day! Welcome, Hal Cruttenden.

APPLAUSE

And we start with one of the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Suzanne, take a look at this.

Castro, known for rapidly ageing. There he's going, look.

And also famous for his long, slow walk and millions of Cubans,

in tribute to him, are also attempting the same slow walk.

And there's a little old guy having a dance. "Havana" a dance, even!

SILENCE

Er, yes.

We should edit the groan out,

otherwise it's going to make the programme sound like an autopsy.

-Castro.

-Yes.

-Good dictator or bad dictator?

There's no such thing as a good dictator, surely?

They're all bad.

He did replace Batista, who was a very, very bad dictator,

who turned Cuba into an enormous brothel

run entirely by American Mafiosi.

So, the start was quite good,

then there was the summary executions and the mass murders

and then it got less good.

But, you know, everything goes off, doesn't it?

All political parties start with good ideas, don't they, Suzanne?

Give them a little power...

Well, it may not happen to you lot, obviously.

APPLAUSE

There were some gushing tributes to Castro. Who was the gushiest?

Jeremy Corbyn was pretty gushy.

He said he was a champion of social justice.

Jeremy's phrase "for all his flaws" didn't go unnoticed on social media.

"For all his flaws"...

For all Jeremy's flaws, what is he particularly skilled at?

Is he a beekeeper?

Jeremy Corbyn is particularly skilled at making an exit.

Here he is delicately extricating himself

from an interview on the NHS.

Thanks, Jeremy.

I'd like to say a massive thank you to everyone here

and across the country for making calls tonight

and to all those who'll be attending an event...

APPLAUSE

That's marvellous, isn't it?

It would have been an amusing moment if he'd kept going back

and then you just heard a cry and you saw sort of fluttering curtains.

Or Tony Blair then edges into shot.

How did President-elect Donald Trump react to Castro's death?

Did he say he was a divisive character

who embroiled himself in US politics?

"Divisive" has got a lot of syllables in it, he said...

LAUGHTER

He presidentially tweeted...

He put that up, and there was a pause,

and then he put a whole explanation as to why he hated him,

and I reckon that pause was him being told who Fidel Castro is.

Castro's burial is being held this weekend.

Which heads of state will be attending?

Mugabe and Zuma and then whoever's in charge of Bolivia.

-I think it's the big dictators' piss-up.

-Yeah.

They're all going to go along and say, "This is how you run a country.

"Certainly how I run one!"

But Putin is not going, is he, even though he's a fan?

I don't know, it's not here.

-Am I right on this?

-I've no idea.

He's not going, but Putin...

-I thought you were well up on...

-No, no, no.

Are you not Ian Hislop of...?

-No!

-OK.

This man has won a competition to be here tonight.

Who is Britain sending as a mark of respect?

Joe Pasquale?

-Alan Duncan.

-Alan Duncan?

-Sir Alan Duncan.

What's his actual position, Alan Duncan?

Alan Duncan, he's Keeper of the Glasses.

It's a little unfair cos he doesn't normally wear glasses.

-Who are Ukip sending?

-Oh, we're not sending anyone.

Well, not as far as I'm aware.

Right, would you be aware if...?

Yeah, I think so!

APPLAUSE

It's said that the CIA made 638 attempts to kill Castro,

so let's play a game

of Assassination Attempt - True or False.

Yeah, brilliant!

I'll name an assassination attempt.

You buzz in to say if it's true or false.

Well, how can we buzz true or false?

You buzz if you think you know the answer

and then you say whether you think it's true or false.

OK, yeah, that's good. That'll work.

Poisoned shoe polish - true or false?

-True.

-BELL RINGS

-Yes.

-But I buzzed.

That's where the system breaks down.

Yeah, shoe polish laced with thallium sulphate

was supposed to make his hair and beard fall out,

leading to a loss of popularity among the people,

which they believed was due to his hairiness,

and would then depose him.

Unless he had access to a wig.

This is the next assassination attempt.

The CIA persuaded Castro's friend

to hit him over the head with a big book.

BUZZING

-No, false.

-False.

Yes, correct.

-OK, next one, we can do better.

-Go on, then.

Shrinking spectacles that would gradually tighten their grip

around Castro's head... BUZZING

..until his eyes popped out. You've buzzed.

-True.

-No!

-No.

-It's false. Of course it's false.

Next one, toilet paper that would catch fire from the friction

when wiped against human skin. BUZZER

That's one of my worst nightmares.

You ought to change brands.

-Paul, is it true or false?

-Definitely false.

-Yes.

-Next, LSD.

-True, definitely.

-Yes.

Would you like to explain?

He was going to do a broadcast and they tried,

or they were going to try and give it to him before he did a broadcast,

and then he'd go on and broadcast and go, "My people of Cuba...

"Oh, the colours are lovely.

"Oh, my beard's so fluffy."

And it would destroy his reputation.

The CIA planned to pump a gaseous form of LSD into

the radio studio where Castro made his broadcasts to the nation.

His listeners would think he'd gone mad,

they would then storm the radio studio and kill him.

Finally, poisoned wet suit. BUZZER

-True.

-Yes.

They lined his suit with something because

he liked scuba-diving. That was his thing, cigars and suits.

Didn't they put a fake bomb in a shell at the bottom of the sea?

-Yeah...

-That sounds like a bad episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.

There's no such thing!

It doesn't say much for the CIA, does it?

Nil success rate.

"Tried to trip him up but ran away cos I got frightened."

US lawyer James Donovan - Tom Hanks in Bridge of Spies -

was supposed to give scuba diving enthusiast Castro

the wet suit impregnated with tuberculosis bacteria

as a gift when he went to negotiate release

of US prisoners after the Bay of Pigs disaster.

Donovan refused to take it as he'd already given Castro

a gift of a perfectly safe, poison-free wet suit.

-Yeah.

-Isn't that ridiculous?

-Should have sent round a badger.

This is the news that the CIA finally got their man,

with the success of Operation Old Age.

To mark Castro's death,

Cuba has declared nine days of national mourning...

which will bring the economy to a complete standstill.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson will not be attending the funeral

of Fidel Castro.

The notorious womanising rebel who led his tiny island into one of

the most disastrous chapters of its history will stay at home in London.

Ian and Hal, take a look at this.

-Oh, it's the Mad Hatters.

-They're not fruitcakes at all.

Ukip, that is the new leader.

The one next to him, "No, I don't want the job. Not me, no."

Look, it's the youth wing.

This is the big news.

They had an election and you were up for this, weren't you?

Anyway, this man Paul Nuttall has won.

Because he has to, it's done by name in Ukip.

-Erm...

-LAUGHTER

Man has a fight, he's called Hookem.

-Erm...

-Do you know, he is now, Mike Hookem, fisheries secretary?

He always has to do a job that's something to do with his name.

Hook 'em...

Paul Nuttall won the contest with an impressive 62.6%

of the 5,370 votes cast.

But who was a close second... with 19.3%?

Suzanne Evans. APPLAUSE

This is impressive.

Metropolitan, liberal London audience clapping

Ukip election results.

She's a loser, though, that's why we are clapping.

-APPLAUSE

-Not that you are a loser!

You're not. It's a good thing.

-Do you feel badly about it?

-No. Not at all.

At least you beat the man who said a gay donkey raped his horse.

I... I did.

-By 200 votes. Impressive.

-You can mock when you stand for election.

-You can mock then.

-I can safely say I won't be doing that.

-You have got a job, haven't you?

-I have, I got my old job back.

-What is it again?

-Deputy chairman.

-What does that involve?

I wrote the manifesto in 2015 and I expect I'll be writing it

-again in 2020.

-Will it change at all?

-Yeah, a little bit.

Last time, you got one MP.

It will have to change because the Tories have nicked all our policies.

-We haven't got many left from 2015.

-So you're going for Labour now?

We're going for everybody but particularly Labour.

I have always said,

Ukip has got most chance among

the working classes that the Labour Party

has completely forgot, who don't recognise the Labour Party any more.

Have you seen Labour's standing in the polls?

It is not a very big ambition...

to beat them, is it?

-Have you got any money?

-At Ukip? Or me personally?

I wasn't going to borrow some.

We have some money and I am sure now Paul Nuttall is leader,

we will have a lot more money from a lot more people who warm to Ukip

because we have got a different man at the top.

-You said that so convincingly!

-Well, I am convinced.

He is a good man, Paul, a very good man.

-HAL:

-He looks quite scary, doesn't he? If you're honest.

-SUZANNE:

-You say that.

He got into a bit of trouble

because somebody kept changing his Wikipedia page

to say that he used to be Bungle in Rainbow.

Still no denial from Paul on whether he was in The Muppets, though.

What do we know about Paul Nuttall?

He's a lovely man, despite appearances.

-SUZANNE:

-He has done just about every other job in the party,

apart from leader.

He has done his apprenticeship and now he has the top job.

Congratulations, Paul.

-HAL:

-You are trying so hard to be nice about it. I like that.

"Congratulations, Paul. I'm absolutely fine."

I'm fine!

-What do you want her to do, go round and deck him?

-She is being gracious.

Gracious in defeat. He has got some strong opinions

on abortion, the death penalty,

climate change, the burka and gay people.

And he once tweeted...

-What are Nuttall's plans?

-To hold the government to a hard Brexit.

If Mrs May, at any point, goes soft, Nuttall will be there.

That's the motto. "Don't go soft, Nuttall's watching."

We definitely want a hard Brexit.

It's got to be hard to be good, everybody knows that.

-This is pornographic.

-Any offers of panto this year?

How did the Associated Press report this story?

They tweeted...

So can we all just agree to call him "Neil" from now on?

Within just half an hour of the result,

Ladbrokes had named a few favourites to be the next leader.

Oh, had they?

With Farage out of the picture, who'd you think they went for?

I don't know. It probably wasn't me, was it?

Ladbrokes announced Nigel Farage...

LAUGHTER

I thought you said he was out of the picture!

-..is 3-1 favourite to be the next leader of Ukip.

-OK.

Suze, sorry, again, I take no pleasure in any of this,

I just want you to know.

Of course there are the shockingly high EU immigration figures

that have just came out.

Yeah, record EU immigration figures today.

-HAL:

-"They're all coming over!"

Ohh! There could be some in here, Suzanne!

Take cover under the desk. Oh, my God!

Strange accents and everything.

APPLAUSE

You see, this is the fundamental misunderstanding about Ukip,

we're not anti-immigration at all.

-We just want...

-DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

It's true, it's true.

You see, that's the problem with the message,

it hasn't really got across.

No, no.

It does say something that the Prime Minister who promised to

cut immigration down in the Home Office has not managed to do it all.

-No, she hasn't.

-It's increased.

And actually, it's quite interesting,

because the Prime Minister is being much more hardline

on EU immigration than Ukip is.

Well, that's politics now, isn't it?

Interestingly, lots of people are trying to get in - and this is

why the figures have spiked - before the Brexit shutters come down.

So, that's your fault, Suzanne.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is Ukip's latest leadership election.

Paul Nuttall won 62% of the vote in the ballot

of Ukip grassroots members, though a series of late-night tweets

almost swung it for Eric Bristow.

Paul Nuttall is targeting Labour seats and at the moment,

he does have an advantage over Jeremy Corbyn.

The only way Nuttall could split his parliamentary party

is by sawing Douglas Carswell in half.

Paul Nuttall accuses Labour of having lost touch

and only caring about...

Such as, "Has anyone seen Diane and Jeremy?

"They have been doing the washing-up for ages."

So, at the end of that round, four points each.

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

It's the shock news that no-one in government

has worked out that if you walk into a meeting like this,

someone will put a camera on it.

There's apparently a sign on the inside of the doors

that says, "Don't display your notes on the outside."

-Mm.

-It does, apparently.

"Please flush after using the toilet,"

all the basic things that political aides need to know.

Yes, the handwritten memo was photographed in Downing Street.

It was being carried by a Tory party aide as she and her boss

left a meeting with the Brexit big beast David Davis.

The gist of it seems to be...

Cos that's... You'd expect something more detailed

and more kind of complex from a big meeting, wouldn't you?

Rather than just, "Have our cake and eat it."

It'd be like the next thing, you know,

"We're going to look before we leap."

You know?

-It's just sayings, isn't it?

-It is. "Stitch in time saves nine."

-You know what's going to spoil this broth?

-BOTH:

-Too many cooks.

One of the other notes on the document read...

Failing to predict the one reading,

"Idiot displays secret meeting notes."

The French have their own version of having your cake and eating it,

-can anyone tell me what that is?

-Marie Antoinette.

Is it having your snails and then beating them in a race?

DELAYED LAUGHTER

They're saying that Britain wants to have...

"The butter and the money to buy it."

According to the Mail, "Other indignant Froggies say"...

LAUGHTER

Apparently we want the dairy as well.

The lady carrying the Brexit notes

is aide to Tory vice-chairman Mark Field.

What do we know about him?

-He once had an affair with Liz Truss.

-Yes.

Oh, there was I going to say he was the MP for the City of Westminster.

Yeah. That's interesting(!)

Yes, he had an extra-marital affair

with the also-married Lord Chancellor Liz Truss.

I don't know what you think, but I think...

APPLAUSE

How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week?

In Cabinet, apparently, he blurted out

that he was in favour of freedom of movement

and that he was in favour of an amnesty

for all the illegal immigrants who were actually here.

Something he'd said before, when he was Mayor of London.

But then he unsaid it when he decided he would support Brexit,

and then he obviously forgot, when he was in Cabinet,

that he'd unsaid it, so he said it.

And now he's unsaid it.

Boris Johnson believes in freedom of movement

and David Davis said the UK might pay

for access to the EU single market. Do you feel betrayed, Suzanne?

Um, I tell you what, I'm having that cake.

I want the cherry on the top, too - but I ain't paying for it.

You're going to steal it?

-HAL:

-The thing is, though,

they're not going to give it to us, are they?

-SUZANNE:

-Well, you don't need to...

You know, every country in the world has access to the single market.

You don't need to pay for it.

But there's 27 of them all saying, "Yes, you do,

"unless there's free movement," isn't there?

-SUZANNE:

-No, there's 27 of them who are totally reliant upon us

for their trade and for their jobs.

-LAUGHTER HAL:

-Oh, and they...

Yeah. We don't need them at all.

They might be a bit reliant, but TOTALLY is...

-I mean, that's up there with the 350...

-Did I say totally?

I'm afraid you did say totally.

-If I rephrase that, then...

-Yeah, how about "a bit"?

In a good month.

There are 27 countries out there

who are heavily reliant upon us for their trade.

We've gone from "totally" to "heavily".

How about "not very"?

-No, no, no...

-APPLAUSE

Oh, come on!

They need us far more than we need them.

We sort of need each other, don't we?

Can you imagine if Angela Merkel says,

"No, unless you have free movement, unless you pay,

"Mercedes, Audi are not going to be exporting to Britain"?

Come on, it's not going to happen, is it?

German car manufacturers aren't going to put up with that.

-How do you know that?

-Spanish Cava producers

aren't going to put up with that.

French baguette producers aren't going to put up with that.

Are there any other stereotypes?

-HAL:

-It feels like British people on tour talking to foreigners

in that way of going, "What we want - we want free...

"We don't free movement, but we want access to the single market,"

They're going, "You cannot have that,"

and we're going, "You don't understand. WE WANT..."

Isn't it? It's just...

APPLAUSE

So, yes, this is the revelation that the Government

does have a clear plan for Brexit.

Theresa May was interviewed at the weekend wearing this stylish outfit.

To be fair, the way Brexit's going,

we could all do with a pair of brown wipe-clean trousers.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-HAL:

-We haven't heard the end of this election.

-Yes.

Apparently it was rigged,

and Donald Trump, having said it was rigged all along,

now it is, he's said, "Why are we recounting it?"

This is the news that some whingeing liberals in America

are refusing to accept the election result and demanding recounts.

What is Trump calling these people?

Bastards.

He said they were...

and that their mums stink.

What does Donald Trump say to those who claim

that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote?

He says that even though she won the popular vote,

it was because it was all stolen votes, or whatever.

-Or recent...

-He said they were criminal votes.

-Criminal votes.

-Yes.

He's got no evidence for this - he just tweets it.

He says, "I actually won..."

This is what he does - he just puts stuff out there that isn't true.

Why don't they give him a machine

that isn't connected to the outside world?

So he can just do this stuff

and, you know, we don't need to hear about it in great detail.

-SUZANNE:

-That'd spoil all the fun, wouldn't it?

Oh, it's fun, is it?

What details emerged about Donald Trump's mobile phone recently?

It's being operated by an idiot.

APPLAUSE

They took it away from him at one point.

-Yes.

-His campaign team.

Couldn't be trusted.

But they've given it back to him, and he's now tweeting late at night.

A bit like Rupert Murdoch,

you've gotta watch these old blokes late at night,

alone, tweeting.

-HAL:

-There's something about lack of sleep, isn't there?

-Yes!

-He sleeps... You know, very, very right-wing people

don't sleep very much.

Hitler didn't sleep very much, Thatcher didn't sleep very much,

-and...

-Stalin.

-..Trump doesn't.

-Did Stalin not sleep very much?

-No.

-I mean, he was...

-Castro.

-Well, he wasn't left OR right.

-Yeah. Just chucking it in for balance.

-Yeah.

How much do you sleep, Suzanne?

- A lot. - OK.

There's still no sign of Trump appointing his Secretary of State,

who will represent the United States abroad -

but who is the front runner?

Is it Death?

-Mitt Romney?

-Yes.

Same thing.

Who, let's not forget, said earlier this year...

They had another meeting over dinner this week. Here they are.

HAL LAUGHS

It was a mix-up on Grindr, wasn't it?!

APPLAUSE

Yes.

Mitt Romney looks like he's eating something sophisticated

and Trump's just got a bowl and a big spoon.

-Nothing too difficult.

-His hair dye's leaked into the curtains.

Trump had a proper man's sirloin steak with carrots

and potatoes while Romney had...

What is he, some kind of nancy boy?

One thing we have to be grateful for to Donald Trump is his family.

Did you see how his daughter Ivanka invited ridicule this week?

No, I missed that, what did she do?

Her 2009 book resurfaced in which she talks about her childhood

as a Trump, including the heart-warming story

of how she and her brothers tried to run a lemonade stand.

Unfortunately for Ivanka, she lived in such a rich area that

no-one was ever seen in the street and so no-one bought her lemonade.

So what did she do? She said...

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

According to the Mail, Donald Trump's new Treasury Secretary,

Steven Mnuchin, worked in film,

investing in Suicide Squad and Avatar.

He's also going to have a hand in next year's remake of Armageddon -

which, unfortunately, isn't a film.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Well, I don't know what this is,

but the words there, "analysis...innocent",

suggest that there's some sort of computer programme

that's been invented that can look at people's eyes and their

facial expressions and determine whether they're guilty or innocent

of whatever crime has been dreamt up that day back at the office.

Yes, that's very good.

This is the news that scientists in China have invented

a controversial new computer programme they claim

can identify a criminal just by looking at their face.

So what are the things they're looking for?

Yes, what physical features do criminals supposedly have?

Their eyes are not so perfectly proportioned, I don't know...

Is this guy innocent or guilty?

It says "innocent" there in big letters.

LAUGHTER

Scientists from the Shanghai Jiao Tong University found that

criminals have upper lips which...

And...

How did the Daily Mail celebrate this new technology?

Suggesting that only 100% of people should be locked up immediately.

They actually came up with a fun game to see how good readers

were at guessing a wrong 'un by their face. Shall we try a few?

-Absolutely.

-Yes. OK, here's the first one.

So according to the Mail,

one of these women was a 1930s Holywood star married

to Clark Gable, while the other was

a sadistic SS Auschwitz-Birkenau guard

choosing who to send to the death chambers.

It is obvious, cos the one who's...

-Not Carole Lombard.

-..the pretty one is obviously innocent.

Yeah. Here's another one.

Philanthropist or fraud?

One picture's one of the first criminal mugshots ever taken

in Britain, while the other chap gave away millions

to education and health projects.

-Which is the wrong 'un?

-The one on the left's a drawing, isn't it?

No, I think they are both photos.

The one on the right is a vicar.

Mm, but is he though?

Oh, do you think he's a bogus...?

He's the prisoner, the one on the right.

-HAL:

-He looks like Castro halfway through shaving the beard off.

The wrong 'un is on the right. George Perry,

con artist, and on the left, John D Rockefeller,

philanthropist and businessman.

This is the computer software that claims it can tell

a wrong 'un just by looking at their face.

For instance, if a man has a moustache they're probably

supporting Movember, so you can tell they're

a good person who gives to charity - but a bit of an arse.

The computer programme can't always give an answer.

For instance, take a look at these two photos.

One is an evil, murderous dictator,

the other is a heroic, enlightened fighter for social justice.

So hard to tell Ellie, my niece,

with whom I had quite a big row about it.

Here's the next one.

BUZZER

The son of Vivienne Westwood, isn't it, and Malcolm McLaren,

the 40th anniversary of punk,

has set fire to a large collection of stuff that was worth

a million or so, saying punk wasn't really about nostalgia and he would

rather that people weren't selling artefacts from all those years ago.

Yes, excellent, this is the news that the multi-millionaire son

of Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren has incinerated

his collection of punk memorabilia on a boat in the Thames.

But what reason did Joe Corre give for burning

the £5 million worth of punk junk?

Punk's dead and it shouldn't be sold out to capitalism.

-Yes.

-It shouldn't be monetised.

-Yes.

He says punk has become nothing more than...

"Corr-ehh" added that even the Queen supported the exhibitions...

LAUGHTER

..proving that punk has been...

This isn't the first time Joe Corre had gotten rid

of the memorabilia, why is that?

The 30th anniversary. Ten years ago.

He actually sold his collection of punk memorabilia

in the early '90s so that he could fund his new business,

the lingerie company Agent Provocateur.

Upon selling the business years later for £60 million,

he bought back most of his old possessions.

What did Johnny Rotten think of Corre's protests?

He thought it was true to the spirit of punk as they had it in 1975.

He called him...

Not everyone was entirely convinced by the stunt.

Tim Sommer in The Observer agreed, saying...

Adding...

Which means at the end of this round it's six points

to Paul and Suzanne, and four points to Ian and Hal.

Now it's time for the Odd One Out round.

Ian and Hal, here are yours.

King Henry VIII...

Bob Dylan...

McDonald's...

and Star Trek.

Bob Dylan isn't going to turn up for his Nobel literature prize.

-William Shatner...

-Isn't either.

Is it poetry?

Who did Henry VIII have a beef with?

The Pope.

They've all been praised by the Pope, apart from Henry VIII.

-Sort of the opposite,

-but yes. Oh!

-Oh, they've all been excommunicated.

-All been criticised.

-Except for Star Trek.

-Yes.

The Pope likes Star Trek...

Particularly the first series, and Lieutenant Uhura,

who he's got a bit of a thing about.

What's this thing that he's got a bit of?

Yes, they've all been criticised in the Vatican apart from Star Trek

which was praised for giving the world a model of peace.

-HAL:

-Just looks like he's about to kiss an alien, doesn't it?

Although it may be an alien, it's got a neat little line in scarves.

So what was Ronald McDonald criticised for?

McDonald's have come under fire from cardinals because they want to open

-a new branch of the restaurant next to St Peter's Square.

-Oh.

There are fears that if it goes ahead,

it could pave the way for branches of Piazza Express...

and Pret a Manger.

What beef have the Vatican had with Henry VIII recently?

-He doesn't return their letters.

-He hasn't done a lot recently.

Well, a Henry VIII love letter

which the Vatican owns has risque content

and they have refused permission for a BBC documentary to film there.

It was a reference to Anne's breasts,

the full incriminating sentence read...

-God.

-To which Anne replied... "Learn to spell, you fat moron."

Henry famously had six wives,

immortalised in the school children's rhyme -

Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead.

And the Vatican weren't impressed that Bob Dylan was awarded

the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Since it was announced that he'd won the prize,

Bob Dylan has remained completely silent,

so, in a way, we're all winners.

Why was the Vatican newspaper so outraged by Dylan getting the prize?

He became a born-again Christian at one point,

but that wouldn't irritate them.

Drug references in songs it must be.

The Vatican noticed that Dylan was talented but stressed that...

They also blamed Dylan for influencing generations

of songwriters...

L'Osservatore Romano is the daily newspaper of the Vatican City.

It can be delivered,

but only from evil.

Paul and Suzanne, your four are...

-Ed Sheeran...

-Yes.

King Arthur...

Prince Zylinski...

and Michael Heseltine.

Ed Sheeran, obviously he must be at Madame Tussauds there,

that's his waxwork double, is that the clue to what might be going on?

I think it's do with swords.

Because Ed Sheeran got stabbed in the face

by Princess Eugenie this week.

-Or Beatrice, wasn't it?

-Well, it was one of the two.

Do you know what she was doing?

She was pretending to knight James Blunt.

Exactly, she was pretending to knight James Blunt and then

did that, and got Ed Sheeran in the face.

It's an amazing story.

They're not the brightest kids, are they, Beatrice and Eugenie?

The party hostess, Princess Beatrice,

was pretending to knight pop star James Blunt,

but when she lifted the sword up she...

.and swung it back, striking Ed Sheeran just below his right eye.

The Sun provided a helpful mock-up.

I think that's the Royal Lodge, it's Prince Andrew's home.

-Which is interesting, look at the decor.

-Yes.

It's one of those places where you're related to most of

the people in the paintings.

After the story was reported in the press, Princess Beatrice

attracted widespread criticism for her actions.

She had a sword in her hand and James Blunt on his knees -

why didn't you finish him off?

Cos Hesel... What was it Heseltine did? Sorry.

In parliament in the 1970s, before television,

he sort of brandished the mace above his head...

Was it to stop a debate or something?

Heseltine brandished the Parliamentary Mace during

a vote over nationalisation plans for the shipbuilding industry.

The government reached a majority of one and Labour MPs stood up

and began to sing The Red Flag.

Out of anger, Heseltine...

And...

-And that bloke, the Polish bloke, is he a duellist?

-Prince Zylinski?

-Yes.

-He brandished a sword in 2015 - why?

-In the European Parliament.

-He was challenging Nigel Farage to a duel. SUZANNE:

-Was he really?

Janek said he'd had enough of Farage discriminating against immigrants.

Obviously everyone knows it's Brummies.

-Did Farage take Janek up on his offer?

-Probably not.

-Of course not.

No, he turned it down, explaining that Ukip members avoided

fighting with anyone who wasn't a close personal colleague.

So they've all brandished an antique weapon, apart from pop star

Ed Sheeran, who was recently hurt with a ceremonial sword at a party.

Princess Beatrice was trying to knight James Blunt when she

accidentally cut Ed Sheeran's cheek.

To be fair to Princess Beatrice, she was tired,

as she'd done a hard day's work two years earlier.

Which means that, at the end of this round,

it's six points to both teams.

So time now for the Missing Words round which this week

features as its guest publication

the Herefordshire Beekeepers' Association's Buzzzz Word

worth buying for the Page 3 honey.

And we start with...

-SUZANNE:

-Unlike man,

bees do not walk round the house feeling the radiators,

leaving the loo seat up, turning the thermostat down,

telling you how to drive your car, mansplaining.

Bees don't do any of that. Am I close?

No, cos it's too long for that space.

What are you like judging distances, love?

You see the gap there?

Well done.

Unlike man, bees do not have a sense of their own mortality.

I must apologise to any bees watching,

that must have come as a nasty shock.

Next...

Why not roast a bee?

Introduce them to your secret family from Hull.

Drop dead.

What, a sort of funeral director's sort of advertising campaign

-for Christmas?

-Yeah.

We call it Boxing Day in our trade, in they go!

To really impress the family this Christmas,

why not serve them bacon and banana trifle?

This is according to Heston Blumenthal,

who this week launched his new Waitrose Trying Too Hard range.

Next...

-Is it honeybee?

-It's...

-Bumblebee?

-HAL:

-Is it the drone bee? The drone or something?

-No, it's not a bee.

-It's not a bee.

-It is an animal.

-Is it David Attenborough?

-HAL:

-It's a monkey of some sort.

-It has feathers. HAL:

-It's a snake.

-Robin.

"It's a snake"? It's got feathers. It's a snake!

You haven't been watching Planet Earth.

There's some amazing snakes with feathers.

It's a flirty flamingo.

According to the Daily Mail,

flamingos systematically divorce each year.

They're nature's version of Cheryl Cole...

but with thicker legs.

Next...

To wear a burka.

-SUZANNE:

-I'm afraid I have a horrible feeling I know this one

cos I think I saw the survey,

and it was least likely to change their underpants.

-HAL:

-Oh.

-That's correct.

Suzanne, I thought you were going to know it cos it was

Ukip voters are least likely to vote for Suzanne Evans.

I'm sure it's not true, though.

No, Ukip voters are least likely to, yes, change their underwear.

This is from a YouGov poll which also found that 1% of Ukip voters

would wear a pair of pants more than ten times before washing them.

-No! I don't believe it.

-Hang on.

-They've made this up.

Back to front, inside out,

I haven't done any exercise so go round again, that's still only four.

Dirty bastards.

And finally...

Tickle a bee on the tummy and become amorous.

If the two of you are like-minded,

make love in a meadow or up against a wall.

Bees aren't particular, as long as they know the way home.

-But I think that's probably too long to fit in there.

-So, um...

Wander naked down the Mall,

shouting, "How's this for a majority?"

First one very close, while the weather's nice and sunny,

-why not photograph your honey? SUZANNE:

-Ah!

That's a good idea.

So the final scores, ladies and gentlemen,

are Ian and Hal - 6.

Paul and Suzanne - 8.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Is it a meeting of ewe-kip?

-SUZANNE:

-Oh, very good.

See, cos there's only one of them.

-HAL:

-See, I was thinking it was looking at a bus

and going, "350 million a..."

Rubbish! Who put that on there?

And I leave you with the news that Jeremy Corbyn realises

he's accidentally bought a jumper that's only 70% hessian.

Donald Trump backs away from building a wall

but introduces a new test for would-be Mexican immigrants.

And the Coldstream Guards realise it was a mistake

to let Prince Harry have a night out before Trooping the Colour.

Good night.