Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

on a building site in Manchester

after a construction worker is injured in a fall,

the main culprit tries to sneak away from the scene.

Following Donald Trump's shock victory,

the youth wing of the Ku Klux Klan

slightly jumped the gun with a visit to Washington.

And in the grounds of Windsor Castle, a furious Kate Middleton

wonders where the hell Princess Charlotte's buggy's gone.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who in one show

lambasted posh white men as the cause of all Britain's problems.

Yeah, well, that's as may be.

You just try holding a boat race without them.

Please welcome Nish Kumar.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP

who says she spent many of her evenings as a teenager

leafleting for the Labour Party,

although her parents told friends she was in prison.

Please welcome Jess Phillips MP.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Nish, take a look at this.

-Oh, yes, the Chancellor flying an aeroplane.

-The Autumn Statement.

-It's jam.

-Erm, that is not scientific.

The big news of the Autumn Statement

-is that he's cancelling the Autumn Statement.

-That's right, yes.

That's a pretty gangsta move, like, to come out and be like,

"What is your Autumn Statement?"

"This is the last one. Mic drop. Hammond out."

-Tell me something not boring about Philip Hammond.

-Ohhh...

-Can you tell us something not boring?

-He...

He's a champion water-skier.

-He used to run a nightclub.

-What?

That must have been the worst nightclub ever.

Was it Cinatra's with a C?

Just listen to what this lady has to say.

I remember going round to his house once.

We got hold of half a bottle of sherry

and, erm, proceeded to drink it and, very randomly,

we ended up having a bit of a cheeky snog.

MUSIC: Bang A Gong (Get It On) by T. Rex.

Who'd have thought that Philip Hammond was such a good kisser?

Literally no-one.

I mean, in that photo, he looks like the guy that did it in all films.

But to be fair, he's the only one that's bothered to turn up in focus.

"To other kids, it doesn't matter, you know..."

Well, we saw some jam there. What was the jam all about?

It's a new acronym for the Government -

Just About Managing, and it describes their performance.

The fact is we're in unbelievable debt.

We're in even more debt than we've ever been.

£2 trillion of debt, which we're going to have to pay off.

All those years of austerity and we've just given up.

I don't want to be gloomy.

Cos if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you.

The Chancellor's only just keeping his job.

People saying, "Oh, for God's sake, Hammond, can't you cheer up?

"Tell us that the weather's lovely."

"But it isn't. Winter's coming."

People are angry with him because he's...

The growth forecasts are lower

and the forecasts for our national debt

are going to be much higher than previously projected,

and he's getting a lot of this information

from the Office For Budget Responsibility

and their figures are a lot gloomier in the aftermath of Brexit,

and Jacob Rees-Mogg was interviewed on Newsnight and he said...

he quoted Cicero and he said, "There's nothing so absurd

"that it hasn't been said by some philosopher."

And something else Cicero said was, "Do not listen to Jacob Rees-Mogg!"

Oh, don't!

Let's have a quick look at Jacob now.

Here is Jacob making his pronouncement.

There is a great line from Cicero, "There is nothing so absurd

"that it hasn't been said by some philosopher,"

and I think suspicion of experts goes back into antiquity

and it's a very healthy thing to have.

Experts, soothsayers, astrologers are all in much the same category.

He is not a real person! That is not a real person!

That is Sacha Baron Cohen doing a character!

APPLAUSE

But I love Jacob!

So, how is Hammond going to help the Just About Managing?

-What's he going to do?

-He's borrowing lots of money.

He's reversing some of the cuts and he's going to build roads

-and houses and infrastructure.

-Upping the minimum wage.

Upping the minimum wage.

He's doing lots of things that quite a lot of people agree with,

which is sort of his job. He's meant to be quite boring.

Erm, and to make everyone feel calm.

And that there isn't going to be a disaster.

-Unfortunately, Mrs May used the term "the cliff edge".

-Yes, that's right.

"We don't want to go up to the cliff edge,"

and you're thinking, "Hang on, he's telling us to calm down and...

"Oh, my God, there's a cliff edge!" But...

That's right, Theresa May said she does not want...

No, well, that's sound.

Some people DO want to go off a cliff edge, though.

Who are the people who like the cliff edge?

-Is it Iain Duncan Smith?

-Ooh, yes.

Richard Tice from the Leave Means Leave group, he likes it.

He says we need a quick transition to Brexit to avoid uncertainty,

whereas Paul Nuttall, the UKIP leadership candidate,

says, "There is no cliff. It's a springboard."

He can be the first one off, then!

You try it first.

Philip Hammond, of course, has been debating public spending

for a long time, as we can see from this clip.

-This is a clip from 2010.

-Oh!

I don't think any party has identified in detail

how they will reduce public spending

over the course of the coming Parliament.

The question to the Labour Party, to Peppa, if I may,

is you have all the civil servants, you have all the data,

you're sitting on all the contracts,

you know all the forward commitments.

Why have you not published a comprehensive spending review?

She has no answer!

-Hammond has spent £1.3 billion on something.

-Yes.

What was that? What would you do with 1.3...?

-Ballet lessons.

-No, no.

Paid it off.

-Potholes, spent it on potholes, yeah.

-That much on potholes?

1.3 billion to fix all the potholes in the country.

Anyway, so there was great news around Brexit Britain.

Come on, libtards, come on, let's cheer up! Come on! It's great news.

Let's look on the bright side. Now, what's the bright side?

-Brexit's going to cost us...

-No, the bright side, the bright side.

-Oh, sorry.

-Jobs are up.

-Yes.

Facebook and Google are expanding.

They're creating hundreds of jobs - in tax avoidance, mainly.

Erm...

What does the Daily Star claim are coming down?

-Prices.

-Exactly - prices are coming down.

This Friday, there's going to be

a Bumper Black Friday Brexit Bonanza discount.

We're not doing that again, are we?

Yes. It's to cheer up Britain and, in anticipation...

-That's why it's called Black Friday?

-Yeah.

What are Morrisons supermarket hiring several of?

-Assassins.

-This is...

They're going to cull the shoppers.

"We haven't got enough yoghurt to sell to everybody."

Morrisons are hiring...

How has Boris been upsetting the Europeans this week?

His diplomatic skills aren't meant to be terribly good.

He...

He went into a meeting with the Italians and said,

"Well, if you don't let us have access to the market without freedom of movement,

"then we won't buy any more of your prosecco."

And the Italian got very upset

and they gave an interview to a Czech newspaper

and said that their view was bollocks.

That's not a translation from the Czech,

it's what he actually said.

And everyone said, "This man is, A, not diplomatic

"and, B, is offending us... on all levels."

I mean, to reduce Italy down to prosecco... What about Parmesan?

Yes.

Who's planning on making a comeback?

Des O'Connor.

To be fair, he never went away.

-Tony Blair.

-Tony Blair, yes.

-Blair? Fantastic news!

A source told the Sunday Times...

I can think of one.

I mean, are you desperate enough to welcome him back?

I mean, I suppose the Labour Party's having a bit of a tough time,

but I'm not entirely sure he's the answer to that particular question.

You don't think he'd come back and be popular?

Well, it's difficult to say. He won three elections, didn't he?

So he's more popular than we've been for some time.

Erm...

But, yeah, I mean, I think that...

It's not the person I would have picked, but there we go.

But meanwhile, I mean, Labour must just be rubbing their hands

at the disarray the Government finds themselves in.

Just landing some careful blows.

-That's right, it's a precision team.

-Yeah. What...?

What has Jeremy Corbyn's response been?

I'm not entirely sure.

I don't even know the answer.

There have been a couple of gnomic tweets from him.

-Perhaps you can interpret these for us.

-Oh, yeah, the tweets, yeah.

Here's one.

Is that a cryptic crossword clue?

People of Birmingham Yardley speak of little else.

I just think no response is better, because after the sort of...

In the immediate aftermath of the EU referendum,

it was kind of impressive, the way that the Labour Party looked

at the Conservatives in turmoil and didn't think,

"Oh, we can use this to our advantage," and instead just went,

"You call that political disarray?

"Sit down, let the professionals show you how it's done!"

This is Philip Hammond's first Autumn Statement as Chancellor.

Well, actually, it's his second.

His first statement was just, "Oh, shit."

Theresa May has inspired the acronym Jam for those who are...

Although, for some reason she hasn't come up with

a term yet for those fat cats who are...

APPLAUSE

The British economy broke a new record this week

as the national debt soared to...

Which sounds like a lot, but don't worry -

at the current exchange rate, that's only just over 100.

According to the Sun, as the Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell,

made his statement...

To be fair, they were monitoring the financial markets,

except for Keith Vaz, who I suspect was on Grindr.

Paul and Jess, have this.

This is obviously the story of Nigel Farage being appointed

by Twitter by Donald Trump to potentially be the ambassador

between the UK and the US,

which would make Nigel Farage an economic migrant.

And Theresa May basically saying,

"I'm UKIP enough by myself, I don't need Nigel Farage's help."

And saying, "There is no vacancy

"for migrant-hating racists in my..."

-Administration.

-"..administration," yes, so...

-There's enough.

-Yeah, there's plenty.

Because last week we weren't on because it was Children With Knees

-and we had...

-LAUGHTER

But I have not read a paper, so this just sounds all so absurd.

-Oh, there's more.

-Is there more?

Yeah. Trump has proposed to the Queen...

-NISH:

-Oh, God!

-JESS:

-Marriage?

..and she's accepted, and the wedding is next year.

They're going to have it in Trump Tower.

-It's going to be fantastic.

-Oh, I look forward to it.

-Yeah, I'm best man.

-Oh, are you?

-He hasn't actually appointed him. I mean...

-No, but via Twitter.

I mean, that's real, isn't it?

And the President isn't actually allowed to appoint

-our ambassador yet.

-No, no.

-Thankfully not.

-NISH:

-Not on Twitter.

-If he does it on Facebook, it's legally binding.

-Yeah.

What was Farage's little girlish response to this?

Well, he sort of said, "Oh, you know,

"they just don't recognise what brilliance I could offer to this,"

and probably called her a fascist and said that she was

-moaning - that seems to be what he says about everything.

-Yeah.

He said...

Really? A bolt from the blue - really, Nigel?

Because according to the Daily Mail...

I think Farage had been there for days, don't you?

-JESS:

-Yeah, waiting!

Isn't all this just a sort of, like, hoax, just to fool me,

that this stuff is happening? I mean, it's quite elaborate...

No, but I refuse to believe it.

It's a giant hoax, go on, it's a surprise, isn't it? What is it?

-No, what is it, what's happening?

-Yeah, it was a tweet...

Is it a hoax on me, the whole thing?

-It's a hoax on us all.

-A hoax on us all? OK.

So, it was a late-night tweet from Trump.

Do you remember roughly what it said?

It said that many people think that Nigel Farage would make an excellent

ambassador between the UK and the US, or something along those lines.

That's many in the sense of one.

I responded to Donald Trump and I said, "Name them."

This is exactly what he said...

Donald Trump doesn't even follow Nigel Farage on Twitter,

-which is a massive digital slap in the face.

-Really?

Yeah, he doesn't even follow him,

so he doesn't think he's that great a job.

He doesn't think he's got top bants online.

Do you remember Christopher Meyer,

-who was Tony Blair's ambassador to the US?

-Yeah.

-Do you remember what his instruction was?

-Yeah.

Get as drunk as possible, and then avoid everybody.

-It was pretty nearly that.

-Was it?

He was told to, "Get as far up George Bush's arse as you can."

Exactly! "We want you to go..."

Is he allowed to use crampons?

Is he?

So, that's the brief. Actually, maybe Nigel Farage is qualified.

Well, Blair did it himself. He didn't actually need an ambassador.

Now, who'd like to see a picture of Farage,

quite possibly the happiest moment in his life?

-I think that's the door into Trump Tower.

-It is fantastic.

Have you seen the pictures of inside?

It's sort of late Gaddafi, the decor.

Perhaps early Saddam, but it's...

It's a riot of vulgar dictator chic, it is.

I mean, it's fantastic.

I would watch a whole documentary series, with...

It's like Location, Location, Location, but it's you just

describing everything in relation to former dictators.

"Oh, there is an absolute soupcon of Mao in here."

I'm afraid it would be me going around going, "Oh, dear..."

But is there a world in which Farage is right,

-that actually maybe he would be a...?

-No.

-Is he an asset at all?

Because he gets on with Trump, he has the ear of Trump.

Getting on with him is not a reason to be the ambassador of the UK.

Incidentally, can anyone tell me who said this?

-NISH:

-Was it Tony Blair?

-Nigel Farage said that.

-It was Nigel Farage, exactly.

-In a tweet last year.

-Proving even he is sometimes right.

Or very right, in his case...

Meanwhile, how is Theresa May's special relationship

-with Trump coming along?

-Very good.

-Very good.

He said to her, "If you're ever over, do drop in."

I haven't even made that up, that was it.

"If you're coming over, let me know."

That's what you say to the couple you don't like on holiday, isn't it?

Trump gave an interview to the New York Times this week.

He broke one of his campaign promises in it.

Do you know what that was?

-The wall's not going to be a wall, it's going to be a fence.

-Fence.

Then a sign.

Then an old man going, "Tchu, tchu, tchu."

-And he's not going to lock up Hillary.

-That's the one, yes.

Anyone would think this show's trying to cheer us all up.

He dropped his threat to lock up Hillary Clinton.

That's not going to go down well with the nutters, is it?

Did anyone catch any other gems from his interview?

He hasn't been locked up himself, so maybe he's feeling clement.

-Yeah.

-Because Trump University settled the case.

First president who's actually had to pay out for fraud.

He said...

There was an issue that some people were perhaps thinking

-might have been there to distract from this.

-Yeah, it was Hamilton.

Mike Pence went to a musical, and Mike Pence believes that

you can electrocute gay people until they're heterosexual again,

and he went to see a musical.

And unsurprisingly, the audience did not react favourably.

I'm just thinking of the potential of the rhyme of Pence and fence.

-JESS:

-Oh, yeah.

-Don't you think that would...? Thank you.

Rap, it's much easier than it looks.

Another flurry of late-night tweets from Donald Trump.

If an audience booing you demands an apology

then the people of Leamington Spa owe me a parade

after last Saturday. I can't...

Mike Pence should try being a stand-up comedian.

The things people... "You're awful." "This is dreadful."

"You're a huge disappointment to me and your father." It's just...

I did love the fact that Trump, in his tweet, said,

"The theatre is meant to be a safe space."

Rather ignores the history of the American presidency.

Have you ever noticed how much alpha males like to touch

-each other, in the US?

-Yeah, quite a lot. All the time.

Noah Garfinkel on Twitter has noticed this.

Let's see how many backslaps there are in this clip.

Well, I think that's proof that Donald Trump believes in

diversity - it's not just women he grabs.

"It's guys, you can grab 'em by the shoulder, hey,

"get 'em by the butt."

This is the suggestion from Donald Trump that Nigel Farage

should be the UK ambassador in Washington.

Although last time he was asked about the Embassy situation,

Nigel Farage said, "OK, I'll take 20 if they don't have any Rothmans."

There's been speculation that Trump might give a job

to his son-in-law Jared Kushner, but according to the Telegraph...

Laws brought in by George Bush, or was it his dad?

So, at the end of this round, it's two points each.

Two points each, very good.

And so to round two, the picture-spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

The royal family have been hit, like all of us, heavily with the finances

and they've started up a two-person do-it-yourself team.

Liz and Phil - No Job Too Small.

No, I think this must be about Buckingham Palace.

It's got to be renovated at the cost of...

-£370 million, they say.

-That will go up.

-Yeah, it will.

-There have been calls for the Queen

to contribute to the Buckingham Palace repair bill.

She could write a cheque or she could do what she did

with Windsor Castle and burn it down for the insurance.

But what's actually going to be done to the palace?

They are getting in Trump's designer...

and finally we're going to have a palace that actually looks like one.

It's going to be gold outside and leopardskin inside.

The throne's being done up with peacock feathers and

proper bling, you know, all the way through.

And there's a casino on Horse Guards Parade,

with one-armed bandits all the way and the Coldstream Guards

will play hits from Cats as you...

Prince Andrew's going to be an Elvis impersonator...

He's going to do Love Me Tender, you know,

as you hit the blackjack tables. So I can't wait,

I think it's going to be fantastic.

According to the Guardian, the work will cover...

And even...

"If only," muttered Charles.

But things have been going wrong already, haven't they?

Can you think of any other...?

Well, it's 70 years since they did anything there.

-Yeah, no plumbing for 70 years.

-Do you know, for example,

what happened in the Queen's en suite recently?

Ooh, she blocked it.

According to the Guardian...

That's a narrow escape - one aggressive pull from

Prince Philip and it could have changed the course of history.

But what hardship do visiting world leaders have to endure

-if they stay in the Orleans Suite?

-They don't...

-They have to go down a corridor to the toilet.

-That's right.

Could you imagine such horror?

You have to walk down with your toothbrush and your sponge bag.

Yeah, like, in old sort of Wee Willie Winkie...

God, you might bump into Donald Trump at four in the morning

in his bathrobe. Ohh! What other dangers are lurking in the palace?

-Rats.

-I daresay. But structural dangers?

-Oh, structural dangers.

-Ghosts.

-There have been falling chunks.

The Mail reported that one narrowly missed the Princess Royal and...

-I don't remember that story at the time.

-I know, that's amazing!

Who discovered this week that they have

blue blood in their veins, unexpectedly?

Oh, the bloke from EastEnders.

-I saw the trailer for it, Who Do You Think You Are?

-Danny Dyer.

-Is it?

That's his name.

Yeah, cockney geezer Danny Dyer discovered

that he is not only related to William the Conqueror

and Edward III, but he's also

-Henry VIII's advisor Thomas Cromwell's descendant.

-Wow.

What did he think about his newly found relations in the past?

What's his attitude to the Royals been?

He told the Guardian...

And what did Dyer do straight after he discovered this?

Make another terrible gangster movie?

He went out and bought Wolf Hall,

based on the life of Thomas Cromwell.

And he...

And now, now he can't stop seeing parallels, everywhere he looks.

In fact, he drinks in the...

Yeah. Does he get a head on the pint of beer?

And finally, can you guess what Danny Dyer thinks of our

-Prime Minister, Theresa May?

-Yeah, he thinks she's gorgeous.

Fantastic, loves her shoes.

She's a diamond geezer, what can I say about her? She's great.

He thinks...

I know where he's coming from.

Yes, this is the renovation of Buckingham Palace

that is set to cost £370 million.

Several of the gas boilers at Buckingham Palace need replacing

and of course the engineers who do it will have to be Corgi-approved.

There was a joke in Private Eye that was very similar to that.

-Do you remember it, Ian?

-I do. It's in this issue. It was similar

in the sense of being identical.

But I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to flog my

merchandise if, say, I had a Christmas album of songs.

I...I wouldn't bring it up.

What's that I can hear?

MUSIC PLAYS

ALEXANDER: # Golden Brown

# Texture like sun

# Lays me down, with my mind she runs

# Throughout the night... #

I've played that song to my wife as a punishment.

-You know it's a song about heroin, don't you?

-I do, I do.

I think it's a song about a state of mind.

Caused by heroin.

I thought for years it was about Gordon Brown!

Surely the lyric "Never a frown, with Gordon Brown..."

must have thrown you off the scent somewhat?

Thank you. Your Christmas annual must be out any day now...

My electronic tag comes off on Boxing Day.

I'm looking forward to that happening.

-SCATTERED APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much, thank you.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

It's the annual story, it comes round every year, which is funny

with annual stories...

Basically, Lapland gone wrong, it's always a disaster

-and somebody else has done it this year.

-That's right, yes.

Bakewell Winter Wonderland, for example, is nicknamed...

..after visitors paid £7 to trek through a muddy field,

only to find...

If this happens every year, do you think people just never learn?

If I set up Nigerian Minister Writes You A Letter Land...

..do you think people would come along and just give me their money?

One person compared the conditions slightly dramatically to...

Was there a £7 entry fee for that as well?

Nothing like a sense of proportion, is there?

Here's a picture of the scene...

The Magic Wellington Boot Table.

Why were the Woodward family particularly disappointed by

what was on offer?

-They'd come a long way.

-They'd come a very long way,

all the way down from Sheffield with their caravan and...

But...

They did manage to pick up a few Christmas gifts, though,

at the stalls.

-Can you imagine what they picked up?

-Chlamydia?

The organisers posted an apology on Facebook, blaming...

Winter Wonderland in Barrow, Cumbria, was also criticised

this week - the ice rink flooded, the German market never materialised

and one mother said her children...

The Walk Home Land!

I can set that one up, too.

You come to my field, there's nothing there.

Just walk home!

Seven quid! I'll have that.

-It's hard entertaining kids, though.

-Yeah.

Here is a child giving a particularly eloquent review

of a visit to a safari park.

-DAD:

-It's going to kick off here.

-MUM:

-Oh, my God.

-DAD:

-Oh, God.

Yes, this is the annual story of a winter blunderland.

Angry parents said...

Sounds like they nailed Christmas, to me.

Which means at the end of that round,

Ian and Nish are on 2, Paul and Jess are on 4.

Time now for the odd-one-out round. Paul and Jess, your four are...

Sir Tony Robinson.

DH Lawrence.

Lucy, the oldest known human.

And Simon Cowell.

Lucy, the oldest known human, she is a sort of...

-Is she a reconstruction of...

-She is.

-..of what we used to be like?

-Yes.

-Back in the '40s.

I've no idea.

-Have you got a clue?

-Heseltine has thousands of them.

-Are these trees?

-Yes.

-Oh.

I was going to say effigies of Margaret Thatcher.

-Carry on...

-Trees?

DH Lawrence's books were published in paper...

-Zacchaeus could have been up there.

-The tax collector...

-He's... Olive trees?

-No, no.

Fig trees?

-No, I misled you there.

-Oh, I see.

I'm more interested in an exact biblical tree than I am...

-Yeah.

-..in the answer to this question...

-Lucy is the odd one out.

-No.

The only thing anyone knows about her,

she was named after a Beatles song.

She was named after Lucy In The Sky.

-Yeah. That's not going to help here.

-I saw it in a documentary.

-Very interesting.

-DH Lawrence was named after one of the early hits...

It's not going well, this, is it?

Trees, trees...

They've all knocked down trees. Tell us.

-They all love climbing...

-Climbing trees.

-They all love climbing trees apart from DH Lawrence.

-No.

-Apart from Lucy, who was ground-based.

-No.

-Simon Cowell.

-No!

-Tony Robinson!

-Tony Robinson! There we go.

Apart from Tony Robinson... I'm going to tell you.

He won't even touch a pencil.

They all like climbing trees, apart from Sir Tony Robinson,

who was caught urinating against one in the grounds of Buckingham Palace.

He revealed this in an interview this week. Did anyone not...?

-No.

-I'm amazed it wasn't bigger news.

-Simon Cowell likes climbing trees?

-He likes climbing trees, absolutely.

He revealed in an interview once his favourite hobby is climbing trees.

He said:

-Really?

-Yeah.

In an interview recently,

Simon Cowell also talked about his plans after death.

Can anyone guess what he's requested?

He's going to carry on being in The X Factor.

They'll sort of prop him up and have somebody just pulling

-a string behind his back. "Blah-blah-blah..."

-Cryogenics?

Yes, he wants his body frozen.

He wants to be frozen as an insurance policy. He said...

Yes!

Anyway, back to the Palace garden, where we join Tony Robinson.

He was filming an episode of Time Team Live in the Queen's gardens

and got caught short moments before the cameras started rolling.

That... That's not unique.

How do we know that Lucy, our oldest known human ancestor,

liked climbing trees?

She left a note.

She was discovered in the 1970s, but they've only just worked out

by studying her bones that in fact there were multiple breaks,

in particular:

So that makes her the oldest person that's fallen out of a tree

apart from Keith Richards.

They say that suggests this was the cause of death.

Wow.

The BBC website very helpfully shows us

her falling from the... There we are.

Just in case we...

The answer is they all like climbing trees apart from Tony Robinson,

who was caught urinating against one.

Tony Robinson relieved himself

just before a live Time Team at Buckingham Palace.

It was a very exciting dig.

They discovered the bony figure of an ancient prince

who told them to bugger off out of his garden.

According to the New York Times,

DH Lawrence liked to climb a mulberry tree

to inspire his writing. According to the article,

many creative artists took inspiration in strange ways.

Strange ingredient for a fondant fancy.

LAUGHTER

Simon Cowell told the Sun:

Well, they've already made a start on his face.

Ian and Nish, here are yours.

We have got Neil Hamilton,

Mark Carney,

Jeffrey Archer

and Michael O'Leary.

Jeffrey Archer is the only one who's got access

to the Cricket Ball of Time.

Jeffrey Archer is the odd one out -

he's the only one who's been to jail.

-No.

-No, it's true...

That's not it, in this context.

No, I just wanted to bring it up, just...just cos I did.

-Can you give us a clue?

-Why are you giving them a clue?

-You didn't give us a clue.

-Can I be of assistance?

They've all been in Are You Being Served?

Nnnn...

Assistant-s.

They've all been assistants with Doctor Who.

No, no, no.

They've all had problems with their personal assistants,

apart from Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary,

who is currently searching for a new personal assistant,

with an advert that describes it as "the worst job in Ireland".

There is no salary mentioned in the advert, but O'Leary has

previously discussed staff salaries in relation to his own pay.

-Anyone remember what he said?

-They get free flights on Ryanair?

No, he said...

When asked about how he keeps his employees in line, he said...

This man is going to be President of America in 20 years.

I gave up with Ryanair when you went through the checkout and

they said, "Can you take out your tube of toothpaste?",

and stuff, and I said, "All right."

They said, "Do you need a plastic bag?" I said, "OK."

They said, "You have to go and buy one..."

-Yeah.

-"..over there."

Then you had to go to a machine and you had to buy four.

Don't you think that's appalling?

Yeah, it's one of the things that troubles me every day.

You know, sometimes, I cry myself to sleep at night, I do.

Thinking about those three bags.

I've got to be honest with you, I think of anyone on this panel,

I'm the one with most to complain about,

about treatment at the airport.

Have you ever had to drink formula milk,

to prove that it wasn't a bomb? Cos I have.

And eat baby food, which is disgusting!

So, yes, UKIP Welsh Assembly member Neil Hamilton was criticised

-for appointing his wife as his PA.

-What did Mark Carney's assistant do?

What was his preference?

Mark Carney's assistant, Jane Webster,

got herself into trouble recently because,

according to the Express, she appeared on Jeremy Kyle.

So you're not allowed to be on The Jeremy Kyle Show if you work

-at the Bank of England?

-Not if you're in the civil service.

-Oh, OK.

Really, why not? Don't be such a snob!

What has Jeffrey Archer blamed on his PA recently?

-NISH:

-Everything.

-The weather.

No, apparently, Jeffrey Archer's assistant sent out

all the invitations to his Christmas party this month

with insufficient postage on.

Oh, that is so embarrassing!

-Meaning guests have had to fork out £1.50 at the Post Office.

-Wow.

And to be fair, she has been

very, very busy writing Jeffrey Archer's latest book.

Jeffrey Archer admits he is paid £10,000 an hour for

public speaking, but says he always gives it to charity.

Or if she's with a client, Fifi.

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication Towpath Talk.

There are lots of rules regarding barge travel.

There's a limit of 60 - no-one under the age of 60.

And we start with:

Navigate your boat.

Open locks.

Open locks. Open locks.

That is...unwittingly right, actually.

What do you mean, unwittingly?!

You're thinking of barge locks, you're thinking of canal-ways.

-Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of.

-Actually, you can unlock your car.

There are fears that the technology may not be perfect

and if you own a BMW, it might unlock doors to anyone

who looks like a smug bastard.

Next:

The internet.

-NISH:

-The internet of things.

The answer is...

This is from Towpath Talk's complaints page,

where there is also an angry letter about someone dumping a bar stool.

Sadly, you can often see large stools floating in canals,

that's usually just barge owners pumping out their lavatories.

Next:

-NISH:

-Actual donkey as donkey.

Panto saves money using normal-sized people as dwarfs

but making them stand further away.

This is right.

LAUGHTER

It's been revealed that several pantomime dwarves have lost work to:

To be honest, that's how a lot of actors finally get work.

According to one paper:

And remember, that's on top of what they make in the mines.

Next:

It's gargle, isn't it?

Mmm...

-Brush your teeth.

-Floss?

Mmm, in the right sort of area.

-Moisturise.

-No.

-Tone.

-Stand up.

Is...

The President of America.

According to health experts, you're supposed to sing

the first verse of the national anthem while you wash your hands,

-to ensure they are germfree.

-That's lucky!

That's why you should never shake hands with Jeremy Corbyn.

Next:

-JESS:

-Childbirth.

Reality.

Is it "life"?

It is in fact:

This is from Towpath Talk -

the annual dilemma of how to black your barge's hull:

Or should you go and live in a fucking house like a normal person?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next:

-NISH:

-Is it Windows 8?

No!

Presumably all you have to do is open Windows.

Next:

By shouting, "Baldy!" through their letterbox.

"Baldy!" Goes out and there's nobody there.

Littering the towpath.

-JESS:

-They are bargers.

Timothy West is definitely a barging man.

You are on the right trail.

People are being put off by Timothy West and John Sergeant,

or as they are known in the narrowboating world, "the kids".

And finally:

Chocolate.

-JESS:

-Lasagne.

-Absolutely right.

Brenden Taylor posted a picture of his partner's scan on Facebook.

Here it is:

To which someone replied:

To which Brenden replied:

LAUGHTER

This is the story of a woman...

This is the story of a woman

who posted an ultrasound picture of her unborn baby daughter

only for her friend to mistake it for a lasagne.

Although she hopes to have the baby naturally,

doctors have warned her she may require a Caesarean Salad.

So the final scores are Ian and Nish have 4,

Paul and Jess have 8.

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that

an old showbiz double-act are forced to go back on the road

with their "catch the peanut" routine.

In Washington, one Democrat admits

to putting a crafty 100 on Trump to win.

And in central London, one politician begins to regret

agreeing to the image consultant's suggestion to have a makeover.

Jezzie Izzard!

Goodnight!