Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 6

Regular team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Charlie Brooker and guest panellists Rich Hall and Maureen Lipman.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hi, I'm an American, I'm sorry for everything.

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APPLAUSE

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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Charlie Brooker.

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In the news this week...

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AAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!

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APPLAUSE

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Also in the news this week, as John Lewis's Christmas advert

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makes a star of Buster the dog, there's humiliation for one rival

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as their failed audition tape is leaked online.

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Michael Gove's neighbours watch on their CCTV as he narrowly avoids

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stepping on the hidden trap door to their shark tank.

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Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!

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Ohhh!

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Ohh!

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Go on! Ohh!

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Ohh!

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And the Republican Party put in place measures to ensure

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a scandal-free presidency

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as Donald Trump spots an attractive woman in the crowd.

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On Ian's team tonight is an actress who, in an interview in 2015,

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said she was considering emigrating to the United States.

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I think she's just changed her mind. Please welcome Maureen Lipman.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian who, on a programme this week,

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promised that if Trump won the election,

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he would never appear on television again.

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So, please welcome shamefaced liar Rich Hall.

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-APPLAUSE

-I'll be down here.

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-It's the safest place to be.

-I know.

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-Well, we start...

-I'm not coming up.

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We start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Paul and Rich, can you see? Take a look at this.

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Yeah, let's have a look, I wonder what it's going to be.

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Yeah, this is news

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that Toblerone has changed the shape of its chocolate bar.

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What's happened is the traditional pyramid shape of the Toblerone,

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in order to save costs,

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they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger.

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As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it.

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There we are.

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Have you noticed anything else that's happened this week, Paul?

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Tuesday evening?

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Oh, bingo night!

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I can fill you in on that.

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Rich knows, he's more of an American than I am.

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America's elected its first last president.

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It's too depressing, it is.

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And I understand this is a comedy show,

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although I haven't seen any so far.

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Well, I...

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We've just done a whole load of footage of Trump!

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What do you mean, it's not a comedy show?

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Did you see his family? It's fantastic.

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You've got four years of comedy gold coming up.

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Cheer up - it may involve nuclear weapons and other countries,

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but it's going to be funny.

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Yeah?

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Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?

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Yeah, there were some brilliant headlines.

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Here is one.

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That's the Newcastle Herald.

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There's this one, a German newspaper.

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-MAUREEN:

-That's brilliant.

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Finally, my favourite, this pithy Mexican entry.

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Do you think this means misogyny and racial hatred are the way forward?

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Not the way that Toblerone have handled it, no. I think...

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Anything he says can be underscored by the sound of a beer can opening.

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"We need to get rid of these Mexicans."

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Ka-chhkk!

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He always wants to build a wall. I was in York last week.

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Three Mexican restaurants in the middle of the town.

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I'm just saying.

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Yeah, that's it.

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It sounds like they're very progressive, his voters.

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They've actually voted for...

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It's bad news for minorities and women

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and all the other people, the many, many people he's insulted,

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but on the plus side, progressively,

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-they've elected the first openly crazy man...

-Yeah.

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..to the most powerful office in the world.

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-Yeah, because...

-Which is a step forward.

-Yeah.

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They've broken the rubber-padded ceiling.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's great to be back on a cliff edge, you know.

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-Yeah.

-With Hillary, you knew what you were going to get.

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You're going to get a woman who...

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I don't know anything about e-mails, either, but she deletes her history,

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but now we've got a guy who's going to delete all history.

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How did Trump echo Martin Luther King

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in his victory speech?

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Well, Martin Luther King had a dream

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and this guy is a nightmare.

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He's a man who's so used to getting his own way

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and now he won't be able to, despite the fact everyone says,

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"You're the most powerful man in the world," he'll blow up...

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He'll say something about Angela Merkel,

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or try and knock off the Queen, he'll do something.

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He won't be able to control himself.

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It's a long way even before the inauguration.

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I thought for a minute you said he was trying to knock UP the Queen.

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You get a man who stands in front of his country and says, "I don't..."

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"I don't pay my taxes..."

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It's uncanny, it's like he's here.

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"I don't pay my tax," and they think that's great, he's smart.

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He says, "I don't pay my taxes because the law doesn't make me."

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And they vote him in.

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It's difficult to know what he could have said that would have

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put people off voting for him.

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He seems to have said everything.

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He could have said, "I am Hillary Clinton."

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That's it.

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You just have to accept there's a lot of dumb people on the planet.

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That's why there's ITV.

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-Are there any silver linings we can think of?

-Yeah.

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He's going to have a court case as soon as he gets in

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because there are three places taking him to court

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for Trump University,

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which he created to teach people about real estate.

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And he didn't get any proper staff and they just made millions.

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He was charging them, like, 35,000 to just turn up and have someone

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chat to them about the housing market.

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Are you suggesting that Donald Trump is a crook?

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No, I'm suggesting that he's a moron, misogynist, sexist,

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vulgarian...orange head.

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Which leads us back to Toblerone's new flavour for Christmas.

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-I've got a silver lining here.

-Have you? Go on, then.

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One silver lining. Katie Hopkins said she'll move to the USA,

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if Trump got elected.

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CHEERING

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I'm just going to book her an Uber to get...

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Can you think of any other silver linings?

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I've never watched an election unfold...

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a US election unfold overnight from London...

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watching the BBC overnight.

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And that's the way...

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If you want to watch America go down the dumper,

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watch it through the befuddled nocturnal fog

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of a man named Andrew Neil...

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The man is just barely on top of everything

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and he just sits there...

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And he had other people beside him...

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He looks like he's squeezed in like this and, when they are not there,

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he still looks like he's squeezed in,

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like his body is trying to eject itself...

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And he comes out and he's trying to explain the electoral college

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and he doesn't quite...

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Nobody quite gets it, cos it's impossible to explain it.

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"Somebody's got to get 270!"

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And now you are watching this scoreboard at a bowling alley

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and then finally give up and they just bring out this guy

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who just...dances on a map.

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He dances on a map and he's trying to show all the states

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with his feet...

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"Oop, there's Wisconsin and there's Ohio and, oh...

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"Here's a red state turning blue... Oh, no."

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I mean, Christ, Trump is becoming President

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and the guy is playing Twister.

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And then finally, you know, there's just the top of

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Andrew Neil's head...

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Spray-on thatch thing...

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He comes back up at 6:30 and says, "Trump's President."

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Great, Trump's President and I'm watching an acorn talk to me.

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The longest TV review I've ever heard!

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There's no point in listening to anybody, I decided this

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after reading newsprint for the last two years -

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everyone was wrong about absolutely everything.

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-No-one saw it coming.

-Nearly all political punditry,

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nearly all political analysis turned out to be completely wrong.

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So it means you don't have to read this stuff, you just guess.

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Everything they said would happen didn't happen.

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Everybody said Trump couldn't possibly win, at every point,

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and it was all rubbish - no-one knew anything.

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Is that one good thing?

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That perhaps there will be no more polls

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-because they're always wrong.

-Hm.

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What will they do instead of polls? They could just cut to a jazz band...

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-I think they should do entrails.

-Yeah.

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The polls themselves - anybody here ever taken part in a poll?

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SILENCE

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There you go.

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People aren't savvy enough to cut a wide berth when they

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see somebody coming at 'em with a clipboard?

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The Sun did have a point... The Sun did...

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"The Sun did have a point"? Oh, stop it!

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They had a silver lining. They printed a silver lining today,

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they said...

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That's grasping at straws.

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This whole thing could be an undercover operation in order

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for him to become American President, where he can then

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reveal his true self.

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-Yeah, it's Johnny Depp.

-Yeah.

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Did anyone notice anything unusual about Trump's victory speech?

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Ah, he has a son called Barron Trump.

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Well, he wants him to be President one day.

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It's like the Bushes, isn't it? It's a new dynasty coming up.

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-Yeah, here it comes!

-Just doesn't work for the Clintons.

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Well, they used to call the Clintons "sex between the Bushes".

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Who is at least partly responsible for Trump's victory?

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The American electorate.

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The people who didn't vote.

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-Ah.

-The people who didn't vote.

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46.9% of the electorate did not bother voting.

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Low turnout. Yeah.

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Looked at it and went, "Oh, I'll sit this one out."

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So, I mean, Trump actually got fewer votes than Romney did in 2012.

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It was more the Democratic vote collapsing.

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But he got more black people than Romney and more Hispanics

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than Romney, despite an entire campaign in which

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he denigrated both those demographics.

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So, it doesn't really make any sense.

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Most of the analysis seemed to me just saying,

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-"It doesn't matter what he did."

-Yeah.

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And then he comes on with an acceptance speech and says,

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"I'd like to thank Hillary Clinton for her years of public service."

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I mean, it's just as though nothing at all is true any more.

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Ah, that's it! You've hit on it.

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We convince him it's all a dream.

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That's simply it.

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Easy to doctor the footage on the TV, that's easily done.

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Hillary Clinton wins - "Oh, well, I gave it my best shot."

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"Never mind, Mr Trump, let's go to your hotel."

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Keep it going for years. He never looks out of the window.

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As soon as he's started to twig that something's happened,

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send a pretty woman past him, he's gone!

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Say, "Yeah, you'll be fine,

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"they'll get somebody else in to do it."

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Daffy Duck.

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Did you see...? How did Vladimir Putin greet the news?

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Well, he said, "For me, Toblerone has always been an iconic bar..."

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Putin, Putin... Well, he greeted the news,

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-probably, by going, "Mwah-ha-ha!" but in Russian.

-Yeah.

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-"Ha-ha-ha!"

-And he sent Trump a telegram.

-Did he?

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-A telegram.

-Do they still exist in Russia?

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There are telegrams, yeah.

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Well, he knows better than anyone not to trust e-mail.

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Who might be selected for Trump's team?

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Ku Klux Klan?

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-Sarah Palin?

-Well, Sarah Palin is rumoured to be

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in the running for Secretary of State...

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You see?

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Love Sarah, love her. Who else? Someone closer to home.

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Tony Oblerone.

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He's a Mexican, he's being bought in.

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Calm the waters.

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-There's someone who wants a job. MAUREEN:

-Nigel Farage.

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Yeah, he's over there, he's gone already.

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So sad to see him go, isn't it(?)

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Yeah, he wants to be Trump's ambassador to the EU.

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-Yep.

-He's going to be the ambassador.

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-Oh, no, go for it! Go for it!

-That's what's going to happen.

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We've established the whole thing is comedy,

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-let's just go for it.

-Yeah.

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Can you tell me what was one of the first casualties of the election result?

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-Oh, the...

-Yeah, go on...

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The Canadian visitors' website shut down.

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Yeah, Canada's Citizenship and Immigration website crashed

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because so many Americans were enquiring about moving there.

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I fancy somewhere further away than Canada, like Mars.

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There's been these adverts on the BBC for somewhere called

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Planet Earth II.

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That's where to go.

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Trump's potential to put the cat amongst the pigeons was spotted

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back in the early '90s - who by?

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Oh, was this Michael Moore or The Simpsons?

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No, it's neither of them, it's Saint and Greavsie.

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-Saint and Greavsie?

-Here is an interesting clip.

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The draw for the fifth round of the Rumbelows League Cup.

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Assisting me with the draw are Jimmy Greaves,

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who will draw the home team

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and Donald Trump, who will draw the away team.

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-Number five.

-Leeds United.

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Against number six.

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Will play Manchester United.

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Oh, Donald!

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You don't realise what you've done, there!

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This is the shock news from America that, after all these years

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of trying to impose it on the rest of the world, democracy may,

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in fact, be shit.

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The Obamas are already making plans

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for handing over the White House to Donald Trump -

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they've hidden the nuclear codes and broken the hairdryer.

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Yet again, the opinion pollsters utterly failed

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to see the shock result coming - first Brexit, now this.

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Frankly, I'm off to put a tenner on Honey G to win the X Factor

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and Ched Evans to be voted Sports Personality of the Year.

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Ian and Maureen, take a look at this...

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Taj Mahal.

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That's not a judge!

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That's the front cover of what I can only describe

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as the Mail.

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That's Nigel Farage having his...

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Cake and eating it.

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-The thing about Brexit was it was referred to the courts.

-Yeah.

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The judgment, they said it's got to be referred to Parliament.

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It's got to have an Act of Parliament.

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And then a lot of the press went sort of slightly bonkers.

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And the Mail ran this enormous headline,

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"Enemies of the People", about the judges.

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which isn't - it's not got good precedence,

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cos it was originally Robespierre, just before the Terror.

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The it was borrowed by Lenin.

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Then, let's be honest, it was Hitler...

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Erm...

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Then it was Pol Pot.

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And then it was the Daily Mail, so it's got a sort of...

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APPLAUSE

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The Express got quite emotional about it, they said...

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Well, a lot of Tories said, "Can you stop being hysterical?

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"Can we calm down?"

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And The Spectator, which isn't exactly

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known as a hotbed of radical lefties,

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said this is a perfectly reasonable judgment.

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And one Tory MP actually resigned.

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He said, "Obviously, it's got to go back to Parliament."

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The Ukippers weren't great either.

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Suzanne Evans - she said, "What's very important is to have

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"an independent judiciary which should be subject to control."

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Farage said there would be riots in the streets.

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You've drawn a picture of Nigel Farage, haven't you?

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I have drawn a picture of Nigel...

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-Is this a separate career we didn't know existed?

-No.

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Shall we have a quick look at it?

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-Is this in a book that you've got coming out?

-It is, Ian, yes.

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-Thank you.

-Good grief, I was paid so much for that.

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I've done you as well.

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LAUGHTER

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Somehow, I've lost interest in this book. Can we, um...?

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Let's have a vote. Who wants to see the drawing of Ian?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Er, you're in it too.

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-Democracy doesn't work!

-Can we bring that up?

-Yeah, go on.

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Let's see if we can guess which is which.

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Well, um...

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that actually says...

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..Ian Hislopeared Bunny,

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and...Pine Merton?

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Anyway, back to reality.

0:17:120:17:13

-Yes.

-What did Lord Chancellor Liz Truss do wrong?

0:17:130:17:17

She didn't speak, she didn't say anything.

0:17:170:17:19

She didn't stand up for the judges.

0:17:190:17:21

She did give a very weak and late defence of the judges.

0:17:210:17:23

Not nearly as passionate as we know Liz can be

0:17:230:17:26

when she's talking about something she truly loves.

0:17:260:17:28

We import two-thirds of our cheese.

0:17:280:17:32

That is a disgrace.

0:17:340:17:37

Naturally, many people were looking to the opposition to condemn

0:17:420:17:45

the press coverage of the judges. What did Jeremy Corbyn do?

0:17:450:17:49

He made jam.

0:17:490:17:51

Actually, he immediately sprang into action. He took to Twitter.

0:17:510:17:55

Corbyn was approached by the Daily Mirror

0:18:040:18:06

about the possibility of an early election, how did he respond?

0:18:060:18:10

He said, "Stop harassing me."

0:18:100:18:12

-Oh, that's right, yeah.

-Would you like to see?

-I'd love to see.

0:18:120:18:14

I've watched it quite a lot.

0:18:140:18:16

It's never good when you're asked, "Do you want to fight an election?"

0:18:350:18:37

and you run away out the door.

0:18:370:18:39

Which suggests you're not exactly gung-ho

0:18:390:18:42

for the democratic challenge.

0:18:420:18:44

Did you notice what he did at the end there?

0:18:440:18:46

Basically, as a leader, he shouldn't be trying to hide.

0:18:480:18:52

And as a hider, he shouldn't be hiding behind glass.

0:18:520:18:56

What did we learn about how Corbyn

0:18:590:19:01

is perceived across the pond this week?

0:19:010:19:03

Somebody said he's mad. Was it Clinton?

0:19:030:19:05

Bill Clinton said, "That one's completely mad."

0:19:050:19:09

WikiLeaks revealed some more Clinton e-mails which revealed

0:19:090:19:13

Bill was slightly baffled by Corbyn being made leader last year,

0:19:130:19:16

saying Labour had made the unlikely decision to choose...

0:19:160:19:19

That's not counting Diane Abbott, of course.

0:19:220:19:25

-SHE IMPERSONATES DIANE ABBOTT:

-No, no, I mean it. Listen.

0:19:270:19:29

-This is somebody who hasn't even...

-SHE INHALES

0:19:290:19:32

..got control of her own breath.

0:19:320:19:33

Do you do Theresa May, as well?

0:19:380:19:40

I'm thinking of political balance here.

0:19:400:19:42

I was at a charity for ovarian cancer the other week

0:19:420:19:45

and I was walking towards... I'll have to get up.

0:19:450:19:50

I was walking towards the microphone.

0:19:500:19:51

And I suddenly found myself transmogrifying into Theresa May.

0:19:510:19:56

I just suddenly hollowed out my body and started walking forward.

0:19:560:19:59

-And then the voice...

-SHE IMPERSONATES THERESA MAY:

0:20:010:20:04

..is slightly between two registers, isn't it?

0:20:040:20:07

Slightly like that.

0:20:070:20:08

And I noticed there were breadsticks on all the tables,

0:20:080:20:11

so I did point out that breadsticks means breadsticks.

0:20:110:20:15

So, no, I can't do it.

0:20:200:20:22

Anyway, this is the ongoing fight between Brexiteers and Wrexiteers,

0:20:230:20:27

Remoaners, Remainers, Bremoaners, Bremainers.

0:20:270:20:30

Let's call the whole thing off.

0:20:300:20:32

Subject to a judicial review.

0:20:320:20:34

According to the Daily Star,

0:20:340:20:35

Brexit has been good news for some people's salaries.

0:20:350:20:38

Thanks to the slump in the pound against the euro...

0:20:380:20:41

Hang on, has this whole thing just been one massive episode of Hustle?

0:20:450:20:48

There are fears Brexit may be held up by the House of Lords.

0:20:500:20:53

This week, Andrew Lloyd Webber expressed his irritation

0:20:530:20:56

at being expected to participate in the House of Lords, saying...

0:20:560:20:59

All right, Andrew, don't make a song and dance about it.

0:21:090:21:12

No, really, please, DON'T make a song and dance about it.

0:21:120:21:15

Anyway, at the end of that round, it's two points each.

0:21:150:21:19

APPLAUSE

0:21:190:21:23

And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News.

0:21:270:21:29

Fingers on buzzers. Here is the first one.

0:21:290:21:32

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:21:350:21:37

Donald Trump has been elected

0:21:430:21:44

President of the United States of America.

0:21:440:21:47

It's the news that Toblerone

0:21:490:21:50

have betrayed the will of the British people

0:21:500:21:52

by changing the dimensions of a chocolate bar.

0:21:520:21:55

Do you know how the bar has changed?

0:21:550:21:57

The pyramids have got more of a gap between them now.

0:21:570:22:00

This is a photograph of Toblerone before...

0:22:000:22:03

and this is after.

0:22:030:22:05

A monstrosity!

0:22:050:22:07

People have suggested a use for the new-look Toblerone.

0:22:070:22:10

I can think of one.

0:22:100:22:11

Do you want to know what it is? Can you think of a use for it?

0:22:130:22:16

You can park five bicycles.

0:22:160:22:18

-That's not a bad suggestion.

-You can measure your feet with it.

0:22:180:22:20

Foot-measuring device.

0:22:200:22:22

Anything, you can measure your feet with.

0:22:220:22:25

Put your kid's foot down on one

0:22:250:22:26

and then you cut out the triangles that his foot goes in.

0:22:260:22:30

And where his heel meets that...

0:22:300:22:32

-..measure his foot.

-That will work.

-Is this Dragons' Den?

0:22:340:22:38

Cos I'm out.

0:22:390:22:41

Former Deputy Prime Minister

0:22:410:22:43

John Prescott got involved in the Toblerone row.

0:22:430:22:46

It's a very important issue.

0:22:460:22:48

He tweeted...

0:22:480:22:49

To which one wag replied...

0:22:530:22:55

People have suggested you can hold your toast in it.

0:23:020:23:05

-Do Toblerones come from Switzerland?

-Yeah.

0:23:050:23:08

That's disgusting.

0:23:080:23:10

What, just foreign chocolate, coming over here...?

0:23:100:23:12

Same as cheese.

0:23:120:23:14

What?

0:23:140:23:16

Two-thirds of cheese coming over here is from France.

0:23:160:23:19

It's disgusting.

0:23:190:23:20

-It's quite nice cheese!

-Some of it.

0:23:200:23:22

Nothing wrong with it!

0:23:220:23:24

-Toblerone's not cheese, is it?

-No, it's not cheese!

0:23:240:23:27

-RICH:

-How did we get here?

0:23:270:23:28

You could put some cheese in between...

0:23:280:23:30

It's like being in an old people's home here!

0:23:300:23:33

"Is it cheese, Matron?" "No!"

0:23:330:23:36

"Has Mr Trump been elected?" "No!"

0:23:360:23:39

"I think my nurse is stealing from me!"

0:23:390:23:42

"Look at this Toblerone!"

0:23:420:23:44

In other snack-related news, what controversy did

0:23:460:23:49

a fan of cookies get into this week?

0:23:490:23:51

The Cookie Monster, I believe made an appearance on The One Show

0:23:520:23:57

-and wore a poppy.

-Take a look.

0:23:570:23:59

The Cookie Monster is with us. Welcome to The One Show.

0:23:590:24:04

Hi. Thank you.

0:24:040:24:06

HE IMPERSONATES COOKIE MONSTER: Lest we forget...

0:24:060:24:10

those who fell at nom-nom-nom-Normandy!

0:24:100:24:13

Was it a controversy, then?

0:24:170:24:18

I don't know if you've noticed it, but he's a puppet.

0:24:180:24:21

Yeah, but by the standards of The One Show

0:24:220:24:24

that's not necessarily a problem.

0:24:240:24:27

I've hosted it. I know what I'm talking about.

0:24:290:24:31

This is the news that Toblerones have got smaller.

0:24:310:24:34

One outraged chocolate lover tweeted...

0:24:340:24:36

Good luck finding another last-minute present at Heathrow.

0:24:390:24:42

I hope your kids like travel adaptors.

0:24:420:24:44

Meanwhile, on The One Show, Chris Tarrant was joined on the sofa

0:24:450:24:49

by the Cookie Monster, who was controversially wearing a poppy.

0:24:490:24:51

The BBC admitted they may have made a misjudgement in putting

0:24:510:24:54

a poppy on the Cookie Monster and hastily cancelled their plans

0:24:540:24:57

for Big Bird to lay a wreath at the Cenotaph.

0:24:570:25:00

Fingers on buzzers again, please. Here comes the next one.

0:25:010:25:04

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:25:070:25:09

That's poor Prince Harry.

0:25:090:25:10

The press have moved in on the new girlfriend

0:25:100:25:13

and it's a shame because it's the beginning of a relationship.

0:25:130:25:17

Just leave him alone.

0:25:170:25:19

It wasn't just the press, though, was it?

0:25:190:25:21

He was having a go at everyone on Twitter and Facebook.

0:25:210:25:23

But it's horrible, all this trolleying business.

0:25:230:25:26

-We are living in a...

-Trolleying?

0:25:260:25:29

Is that what it's called, now?

0:25:290:25:31

People coming round your house and throwing a supermarket trolley?

0:25:310:25:34

"Don't like your opinions..."

0:25:340:25:36

-Yeah.

-But he was very upset about people being rude about her

0:25:380:25:41

below the line, as it were.

0:25:410:25:42

-And the tinge of racism he detected there.

-Yes.

0:25:420:25:46

Rachel Johnson, writing in the Mail, I believe,

0:25:460:25:49

described Meghan's mum as...

0:25:490:25:51

-MAUREEN:

-Thank you, Rachel.

-The same paper said...

0:25:550:25:57

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:25:590:26:01

..as they revealed...

0:26:010:26:02

I don't know what gang-scarring is. I think it's like pebbledashing.

0:26:050:26:08

I did read something in the Express that it would really help

0:26:100:26:13

if Harry just came and posed for some photographs

0:26:130:26:15

and then it would all go away.

0:26:150:26:17

What sort of photographs?

0:26:170:26:19

Probably naked.

0:26:190:26:21

He's done that before.

0:26:210:26:22

Yeah, and I think she's done a bit of it, too.

0:26:220:26:25

-She... To be fair to her, she's an actress.

-Yeah.

0:26:250:26:29

And she was in a show called Suits

0:26:290:26:31

and there was a scene in that was, I think, vaguely steamy...

0:26:310:26:33

-Birthday Suits?

-Birthday...

0:26:330:26:35

Just Suits. She was...

0:26:350:26:37

She was clothed, but it ended up on PornHub.

0:26:370:26:40

-Oh.

-Are you familiar with PornHub?

0:26:400:26:42

Incredibly familiar.

0:26:420:26:44

Was she wearing a poppy?

0:26:450:26:47

By the end of that, she was.

0:26:490:26:51

Probably why they're upset, to be fair.

0:26:510:26:53

What is the press's counterargument?

0:26:530:26:55

He's the Prince, he's the second son,

0:26:550:26:57

it's his job to provide entertainment.

0:26:570:26:59

The first son is there to be boring,

0:26:590:27:03

and William is doing that terrifically.

0:27:030:27:05

And he goes to Canada and says "Good evening" to a moose

0:27:050:27:09

and, you know...other animals,

0:27:090:27:11

and that goes very well, and the second son,

0:27:110:27:14

you know - "We want a bit of action!"

0:27:140:27:15

A bit of raunch, a bit of American actress.

0:27:150:27:18

-So that's his job.

-To be...?

0:27:180:27:20

Interesting. Naked. Like Princess Margaret - pissed.

0:27:200:27:23

It's... You obviously haven't done any constitutional history.

0:27:250:27:29

This is the job of the second sibling.

0:27:290:27:32

First sibling - wave, dogs, Balmoral.

0:27:320:27:36

Second sibling - "Whoaaay!"

0:27:360:27:39

Prince Charles, Prince Andrew.

0:27:390:27:41

Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, thank you!

0:27:410:27:43

Paul's agreed with me about something! It's a first!

0:27:430:27:46

But it doesn't work for King George VI.

0:27:460:27:50

We're not going back that far!

0:27:500:27:52

-It's not a great theory...

-This is topical!

0:27:520:27:55

This is a topical show.

0:27:550:27:56

-Right.

-OK.

-Um...

-Topical show.

-But actually, that's not...

0:27:560:27:59

Really, they are arguing that Meghan likes the attention,

0:27:590:28:03

is their argument.

0:28:030:28:05

They say she's drawing the attention of her 1.2 million or so

0:28:050:28:07

followers on Instagram, that she is courting it

0:28:070:28:10

by posting pictures alluding to the relationship,

0:28:100:28:13

pictures like this one.

0:28:130:28:14

-Banana-on-banana action!

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

0:28:140:28:18

PornHub!

0:28:180:28:19

That's what we'll get.

0:28:220:28:24

That's a really specialist search.

0:28:240:28:26

This is Prince Harry's formal complaint

0:28:280:28:30

about the treatment of his girlfriend, Meghan Markle.

0:28:300:28:32

According to the Times, Meghan has been subjected to...

0:28:320:28:35

Well, if he will take her round to see his grandad...

0:28:370:28:40

APPLAUSE

0:28:420:28:46

Fingers on buzzers once more, please.

0:28:480:28:50

Er...

0:28:500:28:51

I feel I did that a bit weakly.

0:28:530:28:55

Shall I do it again?

0:28:550:28:56

-Yeah, do it again.

-Yeah, more macho!

0:28:560:28:58

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:29:010:29:03

Yes, this is a new form of greeting card where somebody's died

0:29:030:29:06

and you say, "Congratulations, you're dead,

0:29:060:29:09

"you will never live under a Trump presidency.

0:29:090:29:11

"Or indeed, have to submit yourself to the brand-new Toblerone."

0:29:110:29:14

Is it something to do with new greetings cards?

0:29:140:29:16

That's what it must be.

0:29:160:29:18

-Um, no.

-No, it's not.

0:29:180:29:20

It's to do... It is to do with death.

0:29:200:29:21

Is it something to do with talking about death more?

0:29:210:29:25

No, although I have been doing that,

0:29:250:29:27

personally, in my head ever since the result came in.

0:29:270:29:30

Um, I don't think you're going to get it.

0:29:300:29:32

It's the news that a woman from Brazil

0:29:320:29:34

has held her own funeral while still alive.

0:29:340:29:37

There you go.

0:29:370:29:38

It's like a photo you get taken on a log flume ride!

0:29:390:29:43

That's quite a bright idea, actually.

0:29:430:29:45

I've often thought, when I've heard eulogies,

0:29:450:29:46

"Why didn't you say that when they were alive?"

0:29:460:29:49

Because they weren't dead. That's what a eulogy is.

0:29:490:29:52

When you're alive, it's called a review.

0:29:520:29:55

It's a review, yeah.

0:29:550:29:56

When you're dead, it's another review, but it's...

0:29:560:29:58

Do you think when you're dead,

0:29:580:30:00

they should give you a star rating out of five?

0:30:000:30:02

Like on Amazon. "Three - meh."

0:30:020:30:06

If you like this person...

0:30:060:30:07

If you like this person dead, you'll also like this person dead.

0:30:070:30:11

Death is clearly more popular than you think, because what ride...

0:30:140:30:17

-Everyone's doing it!

-Yeah!

0:30:170:30:19

What right did a Chinese theme park launch last year?

0:30:190:30:23

-The journey from this world to the next.

-Yes...

0:30:230:30:26

Yes, on a little rollercoaster,

0:30:260:30:28

where you see ghosts of your previous relatives waving at you

0:30:280:30:30

as you head towards the Waterfall of Doom!

0:30:300:30:34

-Nearly.

-Nearly?

-Nearly. They launched...

0:30:340:30:37

Um, it involves...

0:30:390:30:41

I think we've got a picture of it.

0:30:460:30:48

-Oh, no!

-It's been a big hit with punters. According to the Mail...

0:30:480:30:53

Barking. Do you remember that programme Clive James used to do

0:30:580:31:02

about television, and he used to do the thing from Japan,

0:31:020:31:05

and I'll never forget, he had three men in silver sort of

0:31:050:31:10

paper suits with a cut-out portion for their bums,

0:31:100:31:14

and they each had an enema, on television,

0:31:140:31:18

and the one who could hold it the longest won the prize.

0:31:180:31:21

Now, they don't make 'em like that any more.

0:31:230:31:25

They actually do - have you seen E4?

0:31:260:31:28

It's called Enema of the People.

0:31:310:31:33

Thank you very much.

0:31:330:31:35

APPLAUSE

0:31:350:31:37

Which means at the end of this round, it's three-all.

0:31:380:31:41

APPLAUSE

0:31:410:31:45

OK, time for the Odd One Out round. It's just one between you this week.

0:31:480:31:52

Your four are...

0:31:520:31:54

Russell Crowe's film, Noah,

0:31:540:31:56

custard creams,

0:31:560:31:58

full-bladdered members of the House of Lords

0:31:580:32:00

and Keith Richards.

0:32:000:32:02

BUZZER SOUNDS

0:32:020:32:03

Keith Richards this week spoke about having

0:32:030:32:05

a stick that can control the rain,

0:32:050:32:07

and he says just before they go out to play a gig, the Rolling Stones

0:32:070:32:10

outdoor gigs, he waves the stick up in the air and it stops it raining.

0:32:100:32:12

Russell Crowe's film, Noah, I mean, I would imagine, ironically,

0:32:120:32:16

the thing would be that the film was disrupted because of rain,

0:32:160:32:19

so I'm going to guess that.

0:32:190:32:20

The House of Lords, they've got a terrible leaking roof,

0:32:200:32:22

so they've been affected by rain.

0:32:220:32:24

And I don't know anything about biscuits,

0:32:240:32:26

-so I'm going to claim they are the odd one out.

-No.

0:32:260:32:28

Too much water, except in the case of custard creams,

0:32:280:32:32

where there's not enough water.

0:32:320:32:34

Ah, Keith Richards is the odd one out, because none of

0:32:340:32:36

the others can control the rain, but he claims he can.

0:32:360:32:39

Absolutely right. APPLAUSE

0:32:390:32:42

They've all been stopped by rain, except for Keith Richards,

0:32:470:32:50

who believes he has the power

0:32:500:32:52

to stop it raining, using his magic stick.

0:32:520:32:55

That's absolutely right.

0:32:550:32:56

He explained in a Rolling Stones documentary that he...

0:32:560:32:58

What do you think happened later in the documentary?

0:33:040:33:07

-Well, it obviously rained during the concert.

-Yeah, it did.

0:33:070:33:10

He explained that...

0:33:100:33:12

-It's a joke!

-The Rolling Stones always know when it's about to rain,

0:33:140:33:17

as their rheumatism starts to play up something awful.

0:33:170:33:20

Hundreds of Lords have been banned from using the toilet

0:33:200:33:24

during heavy rainfall.

0:33:240:33:25

The basement was flooded with sewage on June 23, which was of course...

0:33:250:33:30

We've all been knee-deep in it ever since.

0:33:320:33:35

-Sticking with toilets...

-Yes.

0:33:350:33:37

Why have people been talking about Michael Gove's toilet this week?

0:33:370:33:40

Has he got stuck down it?

0:33:400:33:42

Sadly, no.

0:33:420:33:44

In a passage from political insider Craig Oliver's book,

0:33:440:33:46

when discussing Gove's leadership bid,

0:33:460:33:49

friends of Gove claimed he wasn't worldly enough, saying...

0:33:490:33:52

You know this story isn't true, by that phrase -

0:33:570:34:00

"friends of Gove".

0:34:000:34:02

It sounds a bit dangerous,

0:34:030:34:05

but if there's one thing more appealing than the thought of

0:34:050:34:07

Michael Gove being electrocuted, it's him being electrocuted

0:34:070:34:10

while being covered in shit at the same time.

0:34:100:34:12

And what great stroke of irony fell upon the filming of

0:34:140:34:17

-Russell Crowe's film, Noah?

-The boat that they built, it floated away.

0:34:170:34:22

Nearly - it was stopped

0:34:220:34:23

by Superstorm Sandy, it halted production.

0:34:230:34:25

Another irony is that it wasn't true.

0:34:250:34:28

-What, the story of Noah?

-Yeah.

0:34:280:34:29

LAUGHTER

0:34:310:34:34

What are you, some sort of East Coast liberal?

0:34:340:34:36

I, I never quite bought it. I don't think it happened.

0:34:380:34:41

It could have been earlier - Gilgamesh.

0:34:410:34:43

-Exactly.

-There is other evidence of a flood.

0:34:430:34:46

-I think there was a big flood.

-This is a topical show...

0:34:460:34:49

Um...

0:34:500:34:51

It's not often you get to talk about the epic of Gilgamesh

0:34:510:34:54

on BBC One and I'm going to use the opportunity!

0:34:540:34:57

On release, the Russell Crowe film Noah was banned in several

0:34:570:35:00

countries, including...

0:35:000:35:01

Not on religious grounds. They've just got higher cinematic standards.

0:35:030:35:07

Flooding in Carlisle caused millions of pounds' worth of damage

0:35:080:35:12

to a local biscuit factory.

0:35:120:35:14

As flood levels rose, very few biscuits were able to survive

0:35:140:35:16

in the rising waters,

0:35:160:35:18

except, of course, the Penguins.

0:35:180:35:21

Which means at the end of this round,

0:35:210:35:23

it's five to Paul and Rich

0:35:230:35:25

and three to Ian and Maureen.

0:35:250:35:26

-No!

-How did that happen?

0:35:260:35:29

Time for the Missing Words round,

0:35:340:35:35

which, this week, features as its guest publication...

0:35:350:35:38

That's a magazine that doesn't GLOSS over the issues

0:35:400:35:42

and isn't afraid to stir up EMULSIONS.

0:35:420:35:44

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:35:440:35:46

We start with...

0:35:460:35:48

Is it "refuses to take responsibility for the referendum"?

0:35:500:35:53

Yes. Upon finding Dave, the UK's longest ever earthworm -

0:36:000:36:03

there he is - Paul Rees sent him to the Natural History Museum,

0:36:030:36:07

where he was immediately killed in the name of science.

0:36:070:36:10

Why did he send him to a museum, though?

0:36:100:36:12

I mean, why not send it to a zoo, if he wanted it to live?

0:36:120:36:15

It's a pretty poor zoo that would exhibit a worm.

0:36:150:36:17

"I've seen the worms of Whipsnade."

0:36:200:36:22

Don't get out of the car!

0:36:240:36:25

Don't get out of the car, they can turn.

0:36:250:36:28

Next...

0:36:290:36:31

Donald Trump making a grab for her.

0:36:340:36:36

-Short-term happiness.

-Yes!

0:36:370:36:39

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:390:36:44

A photograph of her husband kissing Raquel Welch.

0:36:460:36:51

Raquel Welch?!

0:36:510:36:52

I had no idea what I was going to say

0:36:520:36:54

at the beginning of that sentence. Surprised the hell out of me.

0:36:540:36:57

The answer is, obviously...

0:36:570:36:59

Oh, I know this story. This is in a production of King Lear.

0:37:020:37:06

Which I actually went to see this week.

0:37:060:37:09

In the scene where they gouge out Gloucester's eyes,

0:37:090:37:12

one of the daughters threw the eye into the audience,

0:37:120:37:16

and not the night I went, but another night,

0:37:160:37:18

it ended up in someone's ice cream.

0:37:180:37:20

I like the productions where they eat the eye.

0:37:200:37:23

So, you've gone to see Shakespeare more than once?

0:37:230:37:26

Why?

0:37:280:37:29

Um... I've watched Black Mirror, some of it, more than once.

0:37:290:37:33

-Really?

-Yeah.

-How did it com...

0:37:330:37:35

Hold on a minute! "How did it compare to Shakespeare?"

0:37:350:37:38

Which was better, my programme or Shakespeare?

0:37:400:37:44

Shakespeare. Much as I enjoyed the Shakespeare, um...

0:37:440:37:48

No, I'm afraid it was... It was a bit better.

0:37:480:37:52

Oh. Um, er...

0:37:520:37:54

Next...

0:37:550:37:57

Annoys family at bottom of cliff.

0:37:590:38:01

"It's coming down our chimney, mate!"

0:38:040:38:07

You were nearly right... Well, no, er...

0:38:070:38:09

This is an article from Paint and Resin Times,

0:38:120:38:15

about how a public toilet was transformed with a lick of paint.

0:38:150:38:19

Next...

0:38:190:38:20

-MAUREEN:

-Painted blue.

0:38:230:38:24

This is the old joke - fight breaks out when a husband comes home

0:38:240:38:27

and finds his wife in bed with three policeman.

0:38:270:38:29

And the husband says, "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello?"

0:38:290:38:31

And the wife says, "What's the matter?

0:38:310:38:33

"Aren't you talking to me, then?"

0:38:330:38:35

-That's a joke.

-APPLAUSE

0:38:370:38:39

Finds his wife in bed with Dave, the record-breaking worm.

0:38:390:38:42

Animals are involved.

0:38:440:38:46

Husband comes home and find his wife in bed with an ocelot.

0:38:460:38:49

So tempted to give you that.

0:38:500:38:52

That's what he said to the ocelot.

0:38:520:38:54

It's fight breaks out when husband comes home...

0:38:570:38:59

-With ANOTHER penguin?!

-With another penguin.

0:39:020:39:04

That was the twist!

0:39:040:39:06

Yes, this is a National Geographic video clip

0:39:060:39:09

involving a penguin love triangle

0:39:090:39:11

which ended in violence between the males.

0:39:110:39:13

Next...

0:39:130:39:14

-RICH:

-Heads for Mexican border.

0:39:160:39:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:39:190:39:21

Bus disguised as brick wall

0:39:260:39:28

seeks similar.

0:39:280:39:29

It's bus disguised as brick wall...

0:39:320:39:34

This is... Apparently.

0:39:360:39:38

It's from Paint and Resin Times. Here is the bus.

0:39:380:39:42

Oh, wow.

0:39:420:39:43

Finally...

0:39:430:39:45

Taking your children to be DNA tested.

0:39:470:39:50

That would be a pretty sad hobby, wouldn't it?

0:39:520:39:54

"They're not yours."

0:39:540:39:56

-RICH:

-Consolidating your freckles with a marker pen.

0:39:560:39:59

The answer is...

0:40:020:40:03

-Here's one.

-That's all right.

-That's all right.

0:40:070:40:10

It's better than you thought, isn't it? Here's another one.

0:40:100:40:12

-Art Deco, very Art Deco.

-Racy.

0:40:120:40:14

And finally, look at this.

0:40:140:40:16

See? It's actually quite good.

0:40:160:40:18

Of course, what a mere photograph can't really convey

0:40:180:40:21

is the squelch.

0:40:210:40:23

Anyway, the final scores are

0:40:250:40:27

Paul and Rich with five,

0:40:270:40:29

and Ian and Maureen with three.

0:40:290:40:32

APPLAUSE

0:40:320:40:33

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:40:350:40:37

Ian Hislop and Maureen Lipman, Paul Merton and Rich Hall,

0:40:370:40:40

and I leave you with news that TV audiences around the world

0:40:400:40:43

are coming to terms with a Donald Trump presidency

0:40:430:40:45

leading to a destabilised, chaotic and divided America.

0:40:450:40:48

A resort just outside Moscow hosts a bonding awayday

0:40:510:40:55

for Vladimir Putin's Cabinet.

0:40:550:40:57

And in Dover, two Ukip supporters

0:41:000:41:02

spot a member of the judiciary out for a stroll.

0:41:020:41:05

Goodnight.

0:41:090:41:10