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Hi, I'm an American, I'm sorry for everything. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:04 | 0:00:08 | |
This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Charlie Brooker. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
In the news this week... | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
AAAAAARGHHHHHHHH! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
Also in the news this week, as John Lewis's Christmas advert | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
makes a star of Buster the dog, there's humiliation for one rival | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
as their failed audition tape is leaked online. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
Michael Gove's neighbours watch on their CCTV as he narrowly avoids | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
stepping on the hidden trap door to their shark tank. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on! | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Ohhh! | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Ohh! | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
Go on! Ohh! | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
Ohh! | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
And the Republican Party put in place measures to ensure | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
a scandal-free presidency | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
as Donald Trump spots an attractive woman in the crowd. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
On Ian's team tonight is an actress who, in an interview in 2015, | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
said she was considering emigrating to the United States. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
I think she's just changed her mind. Please welcome Maureen Lipman. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
And with Paul tonight is a comedian who, on a programme this week, | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
promised that if Trump won the election, | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
he would never appear on television again. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
So, please welcome shamefaced liar Rich Hall. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
-APPLAUSE -I'll be down here. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
-It's the safest place to be. -I know. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
-Well, we start... -I'm not coming up. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
We start with the biggest stories of the week. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Paul and Rich, can you see? Take a look at this. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Yeah, let's have a look, I wonder what it's going to be. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
Yeah, this is news | 0:02:42 | 0:02:43 | |
that Toblerone has changed the shape of its chocolate bar. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
What's happened is the traditional pyramid shape of the Toblerone, | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
in order to save costs, | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
There we are. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Have you noticed anything else that's happened this week, Paul? | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
Tuesday evening? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:04 | |
Oh, bingo night! | 0:03:04 | 0:03:05 | |
I can fill you in on that. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Rich knows, he's more of an American than I am. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
America's elected its first last president. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
It's too depressing, it is. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
And I understand this is a comedy show, | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
although I haven't seen any so far. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
Well, I... | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
We've just done a whole load of footage of Trump! | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
What do you mean, it's not a comedy show? | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Did you see his family? It's fantastic. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
You've got four years of comedy gold coming up. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
Cheer up - it may involve nuclear weapons and other countries, | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
but it's going to be funny. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
Yeah? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press? | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
Yeah, there were some brilliant headlines. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Here is one. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
That's the Newcastle Herald. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
There's this one, a German newspaper. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
-MAUREEN: -That's brilliant. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Finally, my favourite, this pithy Mexican entry. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
Do you think this means misogyny and racial hatred are the way forward? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
Not the way that Toblerone have handled it, no. I think... | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
Anything he says can be underscored by the sound of a beer can opening. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
"We need to get rid of these Mexicans." | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Ka-chhkk! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
He always wants to build a wall. I was in York last week. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
Three Mexican restaurants in the middle of the town. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
I'm just saying. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
Yeah, that's it. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
It sounds like they're very progressive, his voters. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
They've actually voted for... | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
It's bad news for minorities and women | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
and all the other people, the many, many people he's insulted, | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
but on the plus side, progressively, | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
-they've elected the first openly crazy man... -Yeah. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
..to the most powerful office in the world. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
-Yeah, because... -Which is a step forward. -Yeah. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
They've broken the rubber-padded ceiling. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
It's great to be back on a cliff edge, you know. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
-Yeah. -With Hillary, you knew what you were going to get. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
You're going to get a woman who... | 0:05:07 | 0:05:08 | |
I don't know anything about e-mails, either, but she deletes her history, | 0:05:08 | 0:05:13 | |
but now we've got a guy who's going to delete all history. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
How did Trump echo Martin Luther King | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
in his victory speech? | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
Well, Martin Luther King had a dream | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
and this guy is a nightmare. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
He's a man who's so used to getting his own way | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
and now he won't be able to, despite the fact everyone says, | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
"You're the most powerful man in the world," he'll blow up... | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
He'll say something about Angela Merkel, | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
or try and knock off the Queen, he'll do something. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
He won't be able to control himself. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
It's a long way even before the inauguration. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
I thought for a minute you said he was trying to knock UP the Queen. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
You get a man who stands in front of his country and says, "I don't..." | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
"I don't pay my taxes..." | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
It's uncanny, it's like he's here. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
"I don't pay my tax," and they think that's great, he's smart. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
He says, "I don't pay my taxes because the law doesn't make me." | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
And they vote him in. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
It's difficult to know what he could have said that would have | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
put people off voting for him. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:10 | |
He seems to have said everything. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
He could have said, "I am Hillary Clinton." | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
That's it. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
You just have to accept there's a lot of dumb people on the planet. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:21 | |
That's why there's ITV. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
-Are there any silver linings we can think of? -Yeah. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
He's going to have a court case as soon as he gets in | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
because there are three places taking him to court | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
for Trump University, | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
which he created to teach people about real estate. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:39 | |
And he didn't get any proper staff and they just made millions. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:43 | |
He was charging them, like, 35,000 to just turn up and have someone | 0:06:43 | 0:06:48 | |
chat to them about the housing market. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
Are you suggesting that Donald Trump is a crook? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
No, I'm suggesting that he's a moron, misogynist, sexist, | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
vulgarian...orange head. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
Which leads us back to Toblerone's new flavour for Christmas. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
-I've got a silver lining here. -Have you? Go on, then. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
One silver lining. Katie Hopkins said she'll move to the USA, | 0:07:10 | 0:07:15 | |
if Trump got elected. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
CHEERING | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
I'm just going to book her an Uber to get... | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
Can you think of any other silver linings? | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
I've never watched an election unfold... | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
a US election unfold overnight from London... | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
watching the BBC overnight. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
And that's the way... | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
If you want to watch America go down the dumper, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
watch it through the befuddled nocturnal fog | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
of a man named Andrew Neil... | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
The man is just barely on top of everything | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
and he just sits there... | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
And he had other people beside him... | 0:07:53 | 0:07:54 | |
He looks like he's squeezed in like this and, when they are not there, | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
he still looks like he's squeezed in, | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
like his body is trying to eject itself... | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
And he comes out and he's trying to explain the electoral college | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
and he doesn't quite... | 0:08:06 | 0:08:07 | |
Nobody quite gets it, cos it's impossible to explain it. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
"Somebody's got to get 270!" | 0:08:10 | 0:08:11 | |
And now you are watching this scoreboard at a bowling alley | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
and then finally give up and they just bring out this guy | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
who just...dances on a map. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
He dances on a map and he's trying to show all the states | 0:08:20 | 0:08:24 | |
with his feet... | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
"Oop, there's Wisconsin and there's Ohio and, oh... | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
"Here's a red state turning blue... Oh, no." | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
I mean, Christ, Trump is becoming President | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
and the guy is playing Twister. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:35 | |
And then finally, you know, there's just the top of | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
Andrew Neil's head... | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
Spray-on thatch thing... | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
He comes back up at 6:30 and says, "Trump's President." | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Great, Trump's President and I'm watching an acorn talk to me. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
The longest TV review I've ever heard! | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
There's no point in listening to anybody, I decided this | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
after reading newsprint for the last two years - | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
everyone was wrong about absolutely everything. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
-No-one saw it coming. -Nearly all political punditry, | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
nearly all political analysis turned out to be completely wrong. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
So it means you don't have to read this stuff, you just guess. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
Everything they said would happen didn't happen. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
Everybody said Trump couldn't possibly win, at every point, | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
and it was all rubbish - no-one knew anything. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
Is that one good thing? | 0:09:21 | 0:09:22 | |
That perhaps there will be no more polls | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
-because they're always wrong. -Hm. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
What will they do instead of polls? They could just cut to a jazz band... | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
-I think they should do entrails. -Yeah. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
The polls themselves - anybody here ever taken part in a poll? | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
SILENCE | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
There you go. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:40 | |
People aren't savvy enough to cut a wide berth when they | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
see somebody coming at 'em with a clipboard? | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
The Sun did have a point... The Sun did... | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
"The Sun did have a point"? Oh, stop it! | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
They had a silver lining. They printed a silver lining today, | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
they said... | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
That's grasping at straws. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
This whole thing could be an undercover operation in order | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
for him to become American President, where he can then | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
reveal his true self. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:07 | |
-Yeah, it's Johnny Depp. -Yeah. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Did anyone notice anything unusual about Trump's victory speech? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:15 | |
Ah, he has a son called Barron Trump. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
Well, he wants him to be President one day. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
It's like the Bushes, isn't it? It's a new dynasty coming up. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
-Yeah, here it comes! -Just doesn't work for the Clintons. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
Well, they used to call the Clintons "sex between the Bushes". | 0:10:25 | 0:10:29 | |
Who is at least partly responsible for Trump's victory? | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
The American electorate. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
The people who didn't vote. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
-Ah. -The people who didn't vote. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
46.9% of the electorate did not bother voting. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
Low turnout. Yeah. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Looked at it and went, "Oh, I'll sit this one out." | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
So, I mean, Trump actually got fewer votes than Romney did in 2012. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
It was more the Democratic vote collapsing. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:58 | |
But he got more black people than Romney and more Hispanics | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
than Romney, despite an entire campaign in which | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
he denigrated both those demographics. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
So, it doesn't really make any sense. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Most of the analysis seemed to me just saying, | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
-"It doesn't matter what he did." -Yeah. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
And then he comes on with an acceptance speech and says, | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
"I'd like to thank Hillary Clinton for her years of public service." | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
I mean, it's just as though nothing at all is true any more. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
Ah, that's it! You've hit on it. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
We convince him it's all a dream. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
That's simply it. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Easy to doctor the footage on the TV, that's easily done. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
Hillary Clinton wins - "Oh, well, I gave it my best shot." | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
"Never mind, Mr Trump, let's go to your hotel." | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
Keep it going for years. He never looks out of the window. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
As soon as he's started to twig that something's happened, | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
send a pretty woman past him, he's gone! | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Say, "Yeah, you'll be fine, | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
"they'll get somebody else in to do it." | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Daffy Duck. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Did you see...? How did Vladimir Putin greet the news? | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
Well, he said, "For me, Toblerone has always been an iconic bar..." | 0:11:58 | 0:12:03 | |
Putin, Putin... Well, he greeted the news, | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
-probably, by going, "Mwah-ha-ha!" but in Russian. -Yeah. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
-"Ha-ha-ha!" -And he sent Trump a telegram. -Did he? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
-A telegram. -Do they still exist in Russia? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
There are telegrams, yeah. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
Well, he knows better than anyone not to trust e-mail. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
Who might be selected for Trump's team? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Ku Klux Klan? | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
-Sarah Palin? -Well, Sarah Palin is rumoured to be | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
in the running for Secretary of State... | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
You see? | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
Love Sarah, love her. Who else? Someone closer to home. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
Tony Oblerone. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
He's a Mexican, he's being bought in. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Calm the waters. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
-There's someone who wants a job. MAUREEN: -Nigel Farage. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
Yeah, he's over there, he's gone already. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
So sad to see him go, isn't it(?) | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
Yeah, he wants to be Trump's ambassador to the EU. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
-Yep. -He's going to be the ambassador. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
-Oh, no, go for it! Go for it! -That's what's going to happen. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
We've established the whole thing is comedy, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
-let's just go for it. -Yeah. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:04 | |
Can you tell me what was one of the first casualties of the election result? | 0:13:04 | 0:13:08 | |
-Oh, the... -Yeah, go on... | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
The Canadian visitors' website shut down. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
Yeah, Canada's Citizenship and Immigration website crashed | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
because so many Americans were enquiring about moving there. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
I fancy somewhere further away than Canada, like Mars. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
There's been these adverts on the BBC for somewhere called | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
Planet Earth II. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
That's where to go. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
Trump's potential to put the cat amongst the pigeons was spotted | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
back in the early '90s - who by? | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
Oh, was this Michael Moore or The Simpsons? | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
No, it's neither of them, it's Saint and Greavsie. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
-Saint and Greavsie? -Here is an interesting clip. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
The draw for the fifth round of the Rumbelows League Cup. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
Assisting me with the draw are Jimmy Greaves, | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
who will draw the home team | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
and Donald Trump, who will draw the away team. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
-Number five. -Leeds United. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
Against number six. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
Will play Manchester United. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:04 | |
Oh, Donald! | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
You don't realise what you've done, there! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
This is the shock news from America that, after all these years | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
of trying to impose it on the rest of the world, democracy may, | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
in fact, be shit. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
The Obamas are already making plans | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
for handing over the White House to Donald Trump - | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
they've hidden the nuclear codes and broken the hairdryer. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
Yet again, the opinion pollsters utterly failed | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
to see the shock result coming - first Brexit, now this. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
Frankly, I'm off to put a tenner on Honey G to win the X Factor | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
and Ched Evans to be voted Sports Personality of the Year. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:42 | |
Ian and Maureen, take a look at this... | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
Taj Mahal. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:49 | |
That's not a judge! | 0:14:49 | 0:14:50 | |
That's the front cover of what I can only describe | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
as the Mail. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
That's Nigel Farage having his... | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Cake and eating it. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:57 | |
-The thing about Brexit was it was referred to the courts. -Yeah. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
The judgment, they said it's got to be referred to Parliament. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
It's got to have an Act of Parliament. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
And then a lot of the press went sort of slightly bonkers. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
And the Mail ran this enormous headline, | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
"Enemies of the People", about the judges. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
which isn't - it's not got good precedence, | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
cos it was originally Robespierre, just before the Terror. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
The it was borrowed by Lenin. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Then, let's be honest, it was Hitler... | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
Erm... | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
Then it was Pol Pot. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
And then it was the Daily Mail, so it's got a sort of... | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
The Express got quite emotional about it, they said... | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
Well, a lot of Tories said, "Can you stop being hysterical? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
"Can we calm down?" | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
And The Spectator, which isn't exactly | 0:15:57 | 0:15:58 | |
known as a hotbed of radical lefties, | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
said this is a perfectly reasonable judgment. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
And one Tory MP actually resigned. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
He said, "Obviously, it's got to go back to Parliament." | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
The Ukippers weren't great either. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
Suzanne Evans - she said, "What's very important is to have | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
"an independent judiciary which should be subject to control." | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
Farage said there would be riots in the streets. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
You've drawn a picture of Nigel Farage, haven't you? | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
I have drawn a picture of Nigel... | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
-Is this a separate career we didn't know existed? -No. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
Shall we have a quick look at it? | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
-Is this in a book that you've got coming out? -It is, Ian, yes. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
-Thank you. -Good grief, I was paid so much for that. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
I've done you as well. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
Somehow, I've lost interest in this book. Can we, um...? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
Let's have a vote. Who wants to see the drawing of Ian? | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Yes! -Er, you're in it too. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
-Democracy doesn't work! -Can we bring that up? -Yeah, go on. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
Let's see if we can guess which is which. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Well, um... | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
that actually says... | 0:17:02 | 0:17:03 | |
..Ian Hislopeared Bunny, | 0:17:06 | 0:17:07 | |
and...Pine Merton? | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
Anyway, back to reality. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
-Yes. -What did Lord Chancellor Liz Truss do wrong? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:17 | |
She didn't speak, she didn't say anything. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
She didn't stand up for the judges. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
She did give a very weak and late defence of the judges. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Not nearly as passionate as we know Liz can be | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
when she's talking about something she truly loves. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
We import two-thirds of our cheese. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:32 | |
That is a disgrace. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
Naturally, many people were looking to the opposition to condemn | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
the press coverage of the judges. What did Jeremy Corbyn do? | 0:17:45 | 0:17:49 | |
He made jam. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
Actually, he immediately sprang into action. He took to Twitter. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
Corbyn was approached by the Daily Mirror | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
about the possibility of an early election, how did he respond? | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
He said, "Stop harassing me." | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
-Oh, that's right, yeah. -Would you like to see? -I'd love to see. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
I've watched it quite a lot. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
It's never good when you're asked, "Do you want to fight an election?" | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
and you run away out the door. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
Which suggests you're not exactly gung-ho | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
for the democratic challenge. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
Did you notice what he did at the end there? | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
Basically, as a leader, he shouldn't be trying to hide. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
And as a hider, he shouldn't be hiding behind glass. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:56 | |
What did we learn about how Corbyn | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
is perceived across the pond this week? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
Somebody said he's mad. Was it Clinton? | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
Bill Clinton said, "That one's completely mad." | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
WikiLeaks revealed some more Clinton e-mails which revealed | 0:19:09 | 0:19:13 | |
Bill was slightly baffled by Corbyn being made leader last year, | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
saying Labour had made the unlikely decision to choose... | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
That's not counting Diane Abbott, of course. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
-SHE IMPERSONATES DIANE ABBOTT: -No, no, I mean it. Listen. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
-This is somebody who hasn't even... -SHE INHALES | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
..got control of her own breath. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:33 | |
Do you do Theresa May, as well? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
I'm thinking of political balance here. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
I was at a charity for ovarian cancer the other week | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
and I was walking towards... I'll have to get up. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:50 | |
I was walking towards the microphone. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
And I suddenly found myself transmogrifying into Theresa May. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:56 | |
I just suddenly hollowed out my body and started walking forward. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
-And then the voice... -SHE IMPERSONATES THERESA MAY: | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
..is slightly between two registers, isn't it? | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
Slightly like that. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:08 | |
And I noticed there were breadsticks on all the tables, | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
so I did point out that breadsticks means breadsticks. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
So, no, I can't do it. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Anyway, this is the ongoing fight between Brexiteers and Wrexiteers, | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
Remoaners, Remainers, Bremoaners, Bremainers. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
Let's call the whole thing off. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Subject to a judicial review. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
According to the Daily Star, | 0:20:34 | 0:20:35 | |
Brexit has been good news for some people's salaries. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
Thanks to the slump in the pound against the euro... | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
Hang on, has this whole thing just been one massive episode of Hustle? | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
There are fears Brexit may be held up by the House of Lords. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
This week, Andrew Lloyd Webber expressed his irritation | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
at being expected to participate in the House of Lords, saying... | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
All right, Andrew, don't make a song and dance about it. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
No, really, please, DON'T make a song and dance about it. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
Anyway, at the end of that round, it's two points each. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
Fingers on buzzers. Here is the first one. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
Donald Trump has been elected | 0:21:43 | 0:21:44 | |
President of the United States of America. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
It's the news that Toblerone | 0:21:49 | 0:21:50 | |
have betrayed the will of the British people | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
by changing the dimensions of a chocolate bar. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
Do you know how the bar has changed? | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
The pyramids have got more of a gap between them now. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
This is a photograph of Toblerone before... | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
and this is after. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
A monstrosity! | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
People have suggested a use for the new-look Toblerone. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
I can think of one. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:11 | |
Do you want to know what it is? Can you think of a use for it? | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
You can park five bicycles. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
-That's not a bad suggestion. -You can measure your feet with it. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Foot-measuring device. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
Anything, you can measure your feet with. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
Put your kid's foot down on one | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
and then you cut out the triangles that his foot goes in. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
And where his heel meets that... | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
-..measure his foot. -That will work. -Is this Dragons' Den? | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
Cos I'm out. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
Former Deputy Prime Minister | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
John Prescott got involved in the Toblerone row. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
It's a very important issue. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
He tweeted... | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
To which one wag replied... | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
People have suggested you can hold your toast in it. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
-Do Toblerones come from Switzerland? -Yeah. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
That's disgusting. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
What, just foreign chocolate, coming over here...? | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
Same as cheese. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
What? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
Two-thirds of cheese coming over here is from France. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
It's disgusting. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:20 | |
-It's quite nice cheese! -Some of it. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
Nothing wrong with it! | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
-Toblerone's not cheese, is it? -No, it's not cheese! | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-RICH: -How did we get here? | 0:23:27 | 0:23:28 | |
You could put some cheese in between... | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
It's like being in an old people's home here! | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
"Is it cheese, Matron?" "No!" | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
"Has Mr Trump been elected?" "No!" | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
"I think my nurse is stealing from me!" | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
"Look at this Toblerone!" | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
In other snack-related news, what controversy did | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
a fan of cookies get into this week? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
The Cookie Monster, I believe made an appearance on The One Show | 0:23:52 | 0:23:57 | |
-and wore a poppy. -Take a look. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
The Cookie Monster is with us. Welcome to The One Show. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:04 | |
Hi. Thank you. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
HE IMPERSONATES COOKIE MONSTER: Lest we forget... | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
those who fell at nom-nom-nom-Normandy! | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
Was it a controversy, then? | 0:24:17 | 0:24:18 | |
I don't know if you've noticed it, but he's a puppet. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
Yeah, but by the standards of The One Show | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
that's not necessarily a problem. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
I've hosted it. I know what I'm talking about. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
This is the news that Toblerones have got smaller. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
One outraged chocolate lover tweeted... | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
Good luck finding another last-minute present at Heathrow. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
I hope your kids like travel adaptors. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Meanwhile, on The One Show, Chris Tarrant was joined on the sofa | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
by the Cookie Monster, who was controversially wearing a poppy. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
The BBC admitted they may have made a misjudgement in putting | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
a poppy on the Cookie Monster and hastily cancelled their plans | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
for Big Bird to lay a wreath at the Cenotaph. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
Fingers on buzzers again, please. Here comes the next one. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
That's poor Prince Harry. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:10 | |
The press have moved in on the new girlfriend | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
and it's a shame because it's the beginning of a relationship. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:17 | |
Just leave him alone. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
It wasn't just the press, though, was it? | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
He was having a go at everyone on Twitter and Facebook. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
But it's horrible, all this trolleying business. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
-We are living in a... -Trolleying? | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
Is that what it's called, now? | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
People coming round your house and throwing a supermarket trolley? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
"Don't like your opinions..." | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
-Yeah. -But he was very upset about people being rude about her | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
below the line, as it were. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
-And the tinge of racism he detected there. -Yes. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
Rachel Johnson, writing in the Mail, I believe, | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
described Meghan's mum as... | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
-MAUREEN: -Thank you, Rachel. -The same paper said... | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
..as they revealed... | 0:26:01 | 0:26:02 | |
I don't know what gang-scarring is. I think it's like pebbledashing. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
I did read something in the Express that it would really help | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
if Harry just came and posed for some photographs | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
and then it would all go away. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
What sort of photographs? | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
Probably naked. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
He's done that before. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:22 | |
Yeah, and I think she's done a bit of it, too. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
-She... To be fair to her, she's an actress. -Yeah. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:29 | |
And she was in a show called Suits | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
and there was a scene in that was, I think, vaguely steamy... | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
-Birthday Suits? -Birthday... | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
Just Suits. She was... | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
She was clothed, but it ended up on PornHub. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
-Oh. -Are you familiar with PornHub? | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
Incredibly familiar. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
Was she wearing a poppy? | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
By the end of that, she was. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
Probably why they're upset, to be fair. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
What is the press's counterargument? | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
He's the Prince, he's the second son, | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
it's his job to provide entertainment. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
The first son is there to be boring, | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
and William is doing that terrifically. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
And he goes to Canada and says "Good evening" to a moose | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
and, you know...other animals, | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
and that goes very well, and the second son, | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
you know - "We want a bit of action!" | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
A bit of raunch, a bit of American actress. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
-So that's his job. -To be...? | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
Interesting. Naked. Like Princess Margaret - pissed. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
It's... You obviously haven't done any constitutional history. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
This is the job of the second sibling. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
First sibling - wave, dogs, Balmoral. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
Second sibling - "Whoaaay!" | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
Prince Charles, Prince Andrew. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, thank you! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
Paul's agreed with me about something! It's a first! | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
But it doesn't work for King George VI. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:50 | |
We're not going back that far! | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
-It's not a great theory... -This is topical! | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
This is a topical show. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:56 | |
-Right. -OK. -Um... -Topical show. -But actually, that's not... | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
Really, they are arguing that Meghan likes the attention, | 0:27:59 | 0:28:03 | |
is their argument. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
They say she's drawing the attention of her 1.2 million or so | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
followers on Instagram, that she is courting it | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
by posting pictures alluding to the relationship, | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
pictures like this one. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:14 | |
-Banana-on-banana action! -Yeah. -Lovely. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:18 | |
PornHub! | 0:28:18 | 0:28:19 | |
That's what we'll get. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
That's a really specialist search. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
This is Prince Harry's formal complaint | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
about the treatment of his girlfriend, Meghan Markle. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
According to the Times, Meghan has been subjected to... | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 | |
Well, if he will take her round to see his grandad... | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:42 | 0:28:46 | |
Fingers on buzzers once more, please. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:50 | |
Er... | 0:28:50 | 0:28:51 | |
I feel I did that a bit weakly. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:55 | |
Shall I do it again? | 0:28:55 | 0:28:56 | |
-Yeah, do it again. -Yeah, more macho! | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 | |
BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:29:01 | 0:29:03 | |
Yes, this is a new form of greeting card where somebody's died | 0:29:03 | 0:29:06 | |
and you say, "Congratulations, you're dead, | 0:29:06 | 0:29:09 | |
"you will never live under a Trump presidency. | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
"Or indeed, have to submit yourself to the brand-new Toblerone." | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 | |
Is it something to do with new greetings cards? | 0:29:14 | 0:29:16 | |
That's what it must be. | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
-Um, no. -No, it's not. | 0:29:18 | 0:29:20 | |
It's to do... It is to do with death. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:21 | |
Is it something to do with talking about death more? | 0:29:21 | 0:29:25 | |
No, although I have been doing that, | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
personally, in my head ever since the result came in. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:30 | |
Um, I don't think you're going to get it. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:32 | |
It's the news that a woman from Brazil | 0:29:32 | 0:29:34 | |
has held her own funeral while still alive. | 0:29:34 | 0:29:37 | |
There you go. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:38 | |
It's like a photo you get taken on a log flume ride! | 0:29:39 | 0:29:43 | |
That's quite a bright idea, actually. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:45 | |
I've often thought, when I've heard eulogies, | 0:29:45 | 0:29:46 | |
"Why didn't you say that when they were alive?" | 0:29:46 | 0:29:49 | |
Because they weren't dead. That's what a eulogy is. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
When you're alive, it's called a review. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
It's a review, yeah. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:56 | |
When you're dead, it's another review, but it's... | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
Do you think when you're dead, | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
they should give you a star rating out of five? | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
Like on Amazon. "Three - meh." | 0:30:02 | 0:30:06 | |
If you like this person... | 0:30:06 | 0:30:07 | |
If you like this person dead, you'll also like this person dead. | 0:30:07 | 0:30:11 | |
Death is clearly more popular than you think, because what ride... | 0:30:14 | 0:30:17 | |
-Everyone's doing it! -Yeah! | 0:30:17 | 0:30:19 | |
What right did a Chinese theme park launch last year? | 0:30:19 | 0:30:23 | |
-The journey from this world to the next. -Yes... | 0:30:23 | 0:30:26 | |
Yes, on a little rollercoaster, | 0:30:26 | 0:30:28 | |
where you see ghosts of your previous relatives waving at you | 0:30:28 | 0:30:30 | |
as you head towards the Waterfall of Doom! | 0:30:30 | 0:30:34 | |
-Nearly. -Nearly? -Nearly. They launched... | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
Um, it involves... | 0:30:39 | 0:30:41 | |
I think we've got a picture of it. | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
-Oh, no! -It's been a big hit with punters. According to the Mail... | 0:30:48 | 0:30:53 | |
Barking. Do you remember that programme Clive James used to do | 0:30:58 | 0:31:02 | |
about television, and he used to do the thing from Japan, | 0:31:02 | 0:31:05 | |
and I'll never forget, he had three men in silver sort of | 0:31:05 | 0:31:10 | |
paper suits with a cut-out portion for their bums, | 0:31:10 | 0:31:14 | |
and they each had an enema, on television, | 0:31:14 | 0:31:18 | |
and the one who could hold it the longest won the prize. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:21 | |
Now, they don't make 'em like that any more. | 0:31:23 | 0:31:25 | |
They actually do - have you seen E4? | 0:31:26 | 0:31:28 | |
It's called Enema of the People. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:33 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:35 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:31:35 | 0:31:37 | |
Which means at the end of this round, it's three-all. | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:31:41 | 0:31:45 | |
OK, time for the Odd One Out round. It's just one between you this week. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:52 | |
Your four are... | 0:31:52 | 0:31:54 | |
Russell Crowe's film, Noah, | 0:31:54 | 0:31:56 | |
custard creams, | 0:31:56 | 0:31:58 | |
full-bladdered members of the House of Lords | 0:31:58 | 0:32:00 | |
and Keith Richards. | 0:32:00 | 0:32:02 | |
BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:32:02 | 0:32:03 | |
Keith Richards this week spoke about having | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
a stick that can control the rain, | 0:32:05 | 0:32:07 | |
and he says just before they go out to play a gig, the Rolling Stones | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
outdoor gigs, he waves the stick up in the air and it stops it raining. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:12 | |
Russell Crowe's film, Noah, I mean, I would imagine, ironically, | 0:32:12 | 0:32:16 | |
the thing would be that the film was disrupted because of rain, | 0:32:16 | 0:32:19 | |
so I'm going to guess that. | 0:32:19 | 0:32:20 | |
The House of Lords, they've got a terrible leaking roof, | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
so they've been affected by rain. | 0:32:22 | 0:32:24 | |
And I don't know anything about biscuits, | 0:32:24 | 0:32:26 | |
-so I'm going to claim they are the odd one out. -No. | 0:32:26 | 0:32:28 | |
Too much water, except in the case of custard creams, | 0:32:28 | 0:32:32 | |
where there's not enough water. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:34 | |
Ah, Keith Richards is the odd one out, because none of | 0:32:34 | 0:32:36 | |
the others can control the rain, but he claims he can. | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
Absolutely right. APPLAUSE | 0:32:39 | 0:32:42 | |
They've all been stopped by rain, except for Keith Richards, | 0:32:47 | 0:32:50 | |
who believes he has the power | 0:32:50 | 0:32:52 | |
to stop it raining, using his magic stick. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:55 | |
That's absolutely right. | 0:32:55 | 0:32:56 | |
He explained in a Rolling Stones documentary that he... | 0:32:56 | 0:32:58 | |
What do you think happened later in the documentary? | 0:33:04 | 0:33:07 | |
-Well, it obviously rained during the concert. -Yeah, it did. | 0:33:07 | 0:33:10 | |
He explained that... | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
-It's a joke! -The Rolling Stones always know when it's about to rain, | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
as their rheumatism starts to play up something awful. | 0:33:17 | 0:33:20 | |
Hundreds of Lords have been banned from using the toilet | 0:33:20 | 0:33:24 | |
during heavy rainfall. | 0:33:24 | 0:33:25 | |
The basement was flooded with sewage on June 23, which was of course... | 0:33:25 | 0:33:30 | |
We've all been knee-deep in it ever since. | 0:33:32 | 0:33:35 | |
-Sticking with toilets... -Yes. | 0:33:35 | 0:33:37 | |
Why have people been talking about Michael Gove's toilet this week? | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
Has he got stuck down it? | 0:33:40 | 0:33:42 | |
Sadly, no. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:44 | |
In a passage from political insider Craig Oliver's book, | 0:33:44 | 0:33:46 | |
when discussing Gove's leadership bid, | 0:33:46 | 0:33:49 | |
friends of Gove claimed he wasn't worldly enough, saying... | 0:33:49 | 0:33:52 | |
You know this story isn't true, by that phrase - | 0:33:57 | 0:34:00 | |
"friends of Gove". | 0:34:00 | 0:34:02 | |
It sounds a bit dangerous, | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
but if there's one thing more appealing than the thought of | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
Michael Gove being electrocuted, it's him being electrocuted | 0:34:07 | 0:34:10 | |
while being covered in shit at the same time. | 0:34:10 | 0:34:12 | |
And what great stroke of irony fell upon the filming of | 0:34:14 | 0:34:17 | |
-Russell Crowe's film, Noah? -The boat that they built, it floated away. | 0:34:17 | 0:34:22 | |
Nearly - it was stopped | 0:34:22 | 0:34:23 | |
by Superstorm Sandy, it halted production. | 0:34:23 | 0:34:25 | |
Another irony is that it wasn't true. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:28 | |
-What, the story of Noah? -Yeah. | 0:34:28 | 0:34:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:31 | 0:34:34 | |
What are you, some sort of East Coast liberal? | 0:34:34 | 0:34:36 | |
I, I never quite bought it. I don't think it happened. | 0:34:38 | 0:34:41 | |
It could have been earlier - Gilgamesh. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:43 | |
-Exactly. -There is other evidence of a flood. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:46 | |
-I think there was a big flood. -This is a topical show... | 0:34:46 | 0:34:49 | |
Um... | 0:34:50 | 0:34:51 | |
It's not often you get to talk about the epic of Gilgamesh | 0:34:51 | 0:34:54 | |
on BBC One and I'm going to use the opportunity! | 0:34:54 | 0:34:57 | |
On release, the Russell Crowe film Noah was banned in several | 0:34:57 | 0:35:00 | |
countries, including... | 0:35:00 | 0:35:01 | |
Not on religious grounds. They've just got higher cinematic standards. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:07 | |
Flooding in Carlisle caused millions of pounds' worth of damage | 0:35:08 | 0:35:12 | |
to a local biscuit factory. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:14 | |
As flood levels rose, very few biscuits were able to survive | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
in the rising waters, | 0:35:16 | 0:35:18 | |
except, of course, the Penguins. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
Which means at the end of this round, | 0:35:21 | 0:35:23 | |
it's five to Paul and Rich | 0:35:23 | 0:35:25 | |
and three to Ian and Maureen. | 0:35:25 | 0:35:26 | |
-No! -How did that happen? | 0:35:26 | 0:35:29 | |
Time for the Missing Words round, | 0:35:34 | 0:35:35 | |
which, this week, features as its guest publication... | 0:35:35 | 0:35:38 | |
That's a magazine that doesn't GLOSS over the issues | 0:35:40 | 0:35:42 | |
and isn't afraid to stir up EMULSIONS. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:44 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANING | 0:35:44 | 0:35:46 | |
We start with... | 0:35:46 | 0:35:48 | |
Is it "refuses to take responsibility for the referendum"? | 0:35:50 | 0:35:53 | |
Yes. Upon finding Dave, the UK's longest ever earthworm - | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
there he is - Paul Rees sent him to the Natural History Museum, | 0:36:03 | 0:36:07 | |
where he was immediately killed in the name of science. | 0:36:07 | 0:36:10 | |
Why did he send him to a museum, though? | 0:36:10 | 0:36:12 | |
I mean, why not send it to a zoo, if he wanted it to live? | 0:36:12 | 0:36:15 | |
It's a pretty poor zoo that would exhibit a worm. | 0:36:15 | 0:36:17 | |
"I've seen the worms of Whipsnade." | 0:36:20 | 0:36:22 | |
Don't get out of the car! | 0:36:24 | 0:36:25 | |
Don't get out of the car, they can turn. | 0:36:25 | 0:36:28 | |
Next... | 0:36:29 | 0:36:31 | |
Donald Trump making a grab for her. | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
-Short-term happiness. -Yes! | 0:36:37 | 0:36:39 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:36:39 | 0:36:44 | |
A photograph of her husband kissing Raquel Welch. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:51 | |
Raquel Welch?! | 0:36:51 | 0:36:52 | |
I had no idea what I was going to say | 0:36:52 | 0:36:54 | |
at the beginning of that sentence. Surprised the hell out of me. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:57 | |
The answer is, obviously... | 0:36:57 | 0:36:59 | |
Oh, I know this story. This is in a production of King Lear. | 0:37:02 | 0:37:06 | |
Which I actually went to see this week. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:09 | |
In the scene where they gouge out Gloucester's eyes, | 0:37:09 | 0:37:12 | |
one of the daughters threw the eye into the audience, | 0:37:12 | 0:37:16 | |
and not the night I went, but another night, | 0:37:16 | 0:37:18 | |
it ended up in someone's ice cream. | 0:37:18 | 0:37:20 | |
I like the productions where they eat the eye. | 0:37:20 | 0:37:23 | |
So, you've gone to see Shakespeare more than once? | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
Why? | 0:37:28 | 0:37:29 | |
Um... I've watched Black Mirror, some of it, more than once. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:33 | |
-Really? -Yeah. -How did it com... | 0:37:33 | 0:37:35 | |
Hold on a minute! "How did it compare to Shakespeare?" | 0:37:35 | 0:37:38 | |
Which was better, my programme or Shakespeare? | 0:37:40 | 0:37:44 | |
Shakespeare. Much as I enjoyed the Shakespeare, um... | 0:37:44 | 0:37:48 | |
No, I'm afraid it was... It was a bit better. | 0:37:48 | 0:37:52 | |
Oh. Um, er... | 0:37:52 | 0:37:54 | |
Next... | 0:37:55 | 0:37:57 | |
Annoys family at bottom of cliff. | 0:37:59 | 0:38:01 | |
"It's coming down our chimney, mate!" | 0:38:04 | 0:38:07 | |
You were nearly right... Well, no, er... | 0:38:07 | 0:38:09 | |
This is an article from Paint and Resin Times, | 0:38:12 | 0:38:15 | |
about how a public toilet was transformed with a lick of paint. | 0:38:15 | 0:38:19 | |
Next... | 0:38:19 | 0:38:20 | |
-MAUREEN: -Painted blue. | 0:38:23 | 0:38:24 | |
This is the old joke - fight breaks out when a husband comes home | 0:38:24 | 0:38:27 | |
and finds his wife in bed with three policeman. | 0:38:27 | 0:38:29 | |
And the husband says, "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello?" | 0:38:29 | 0:38:31 | |
And the wife says, "What's the matter? | 0:38:31 | 0:38:33 | |
"Aren't you talking to me, then?" | 0:38:33 | 0:38:35 | |
-That's a joke. -APPLAUSE | 0:38:37 | 0:38:39 | |
Finds his wife in bed with Dave, the record-breaking worm. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:42 | |
Animals are involved. | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
Husband comes home and find his wife in bed with an ocelot. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:49 | |
So tempted to give you that. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:52 | |
That's what he said to the ocelot. | 0:38:52 | 0:38:54 | |
It's fight breaks out when husband comes home... | 0:38:57 | 0:38:59 | |
-With ANOTHER penguin?! -With another penguin. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:04 | |
That was the twist! | 0:39:04 | 0:39:06 | |
Yes, this is a National Geographic video clip | 0:39:06 | 0:39:09 | |
involving a penguin love triangle | 0:39:09 | 0:39:11 | |
which ended in violence between the males. | 0:39:11 | 0:39:13 | |
Next... | 0:39:13 | 0:39:14 | |
-RICH: -Heads for Mexican border. | 0:39:16 | 0:39:19 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:39:19 | 0:39:21 | |
Bus disguised as brick wall | 0:39:26 | 0:39:28 | |
seeks similar. | 0:39:28 | 0:39:29 | |
It's bus disguised as brick wall... | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
This is... Apparently. | 0:39:36 | 0:39:38 | |
It's from Paint and Resin Times. Here is the bus. | 0:39:38 | 0:39:42 | |
Oh, wow. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:43 | |
Finally... | 0:39:43 | 0:39:45 | |
Taking your children to be DNA tested. | 0:39:47 | 0:39:50 | |
That would be a pretty sad hobby, wouldn't it? | 0:39:52 | 0:39:54 | |
"They're not yours." | 0:39:54 | 0:39:56 | |
-RICH: -Consolidating your freckles with a marker pen. | 0:39:56 | 0:39:59 | |
The answer is... | 0:40:02 | 0:40:03 | |
-Here's one. -That's all right. -That's all right. | 0:40:07 | 0:40:10 | |
It's better than you thought, isn't it? Here's another one. | 0:40:10 | 0:40:12 | |
-Art Deco, very Art Deco. -Racy. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:14 | |
And finally, look at this. | 0:40:14 | 0:40:16 | |
See? It's actually quite good. | 0:40:16 | 0:40:18 | |
Of course, what a mere photograph can't really convey | 0:40:18 | 0:40:21 | |
is the squelch. | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
Anyway, the final scores are | 0:40:25 | 0:40:27 | |
Paul and Rich with five, | 0:40:27 | 0:40:29 | |
and Ian and Maureen with three. | 0:40:29 | 0:40:32 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:40:32 | 0:40:33 | |
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, | 0:40:35 | 0:40:37 | |
Ian Hislop and Maureen Lipman, Paul Merton and Rich Hall, | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
and I leave you with news that TV audiences around the world | 0:40:40 | 0:40:43 | |
are coming to terms with a Donald Trump presidency | 0:40:43 | 0:40:45 | |
leading to a destabilised, chaotic and divided America. | 0:40:45 | 0:40:48 | |
A resort just outside Moscow hosts a bonding awayday | 0:40:51 | 0:40:55 | |
for Vladimir Putin's Cabinet. | 0:40:55 | 0:40:57 | |
And in Dover, two Ukip supporters | 0:41:00 | 0:41:02 | |
spot a member of the judiciary out for a stroll. | 0:41:02 | 0:41:05 | |
Goodnight. | 0:41:09 | 0:41:10 |