Regular team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Charlie Brooker and guest panellists Rich Hall and Maureen Lipman.
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Hi, I'm an American, I'm sorry for everything.
This programme contains some strong language.
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Charlie Brooker.
In the news this week...
Also in the news this week, as John Lewis's Christmas advert
makes a star of Buster the dog, there's humiliation for one rival
as their failed audition tape is leaked online.
Michael Gove's neighbours watch on their CCTV as he narrowly avoids
stepping on the hidden trap door to their shark tank.
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Go on! Ohh!
And the Republican Party put in place measures to ensure
a scandal-free presidency
as Donald Trump spots an attractive woman in the crowd.
On Ian's team tonight is an actress who, in an interview in 2015,
said she was considering emigrating to the United States.
I think she's just changed her mind. Please welcome Maureen Lipman.
And with Paul tonight is a comedian who, on a programme this week,
promised that if Trump won the election,
he would never appear on television again.
So, please welcome shamefaced liar Rich Hall.
-I'll be down here.
-It's the safest place to be.
-Well, we start...
-I'm not coming up.
We start with the biggest stories of the week.
Paul and Rich, can you see? Take a look at this.
Yeah, let's have a look, I wonder what it's going to be.
Yeah, this is news
that Toblerone has changed the shape of its chocolate bar.
What's happened is the traditional pyramid shape of the Toblerone,
in order to save costs,
they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger.
As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it.
There we are.
Have you noticed anything else that's happened this week, Paul?
Oh, bingo night!
I can fill you in on that.
Rich knows, he's more of an American than I am.
America's elected its first last president.
It's too depressing, it is.
And I understand this is a comedy show,
although I haven't seen any so far.
We've just done a whole load of footage of Trump!
What do you mean, it's not a comedy show?
Did you see his family? It's fantastic.
You've got four years of comedy gold coming up.
Cheer up - it may involve nuclear weapons and other countries,
but it's going to be funny.
Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?
Yeah, there were some brilliant headlines.
Here is one.
That's the Newcastle Herald.
There's this one, a German newspaper.
Finally, my favourite, this pithy Mexican entry.
Do you think this means misogyny and racial hatred are the way forward?
Not the way that Toblerone have handled it, no. I think...
Anything he says can be underscored by the sound of a beer can opening.
"We need to get rid of these Mexicans."
He always wants to build a wall. I was in York last week.
Three Mexican restaurants in the middle of the town.
I'm just saying.
Yeah, that's it.
It sounds like they're very progressive, his voters.
They've actually voted for...
It's bad news for minorities and women
and all the other people, the many, many people he's insulted,
but on the plus side, progressively,
-they've elected the first openly crazy man...
..to the most powerful office in the world.
-Which is a step forward.
They've broken the rubber-padded ceiling.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's great to be back on a cliff edge, you know.
-With Hillary, you knew what you were going to get.
You're going to get a woman who...
I don't know anything about e-mails, either, but she deletes her history,
but now we've got a guy who's going to delete all history.
How did Trump echo Martin Luther King
in his victory speech?
Well, Martin Luther King had a dream
and this guy is a nightmare.
He's a man who's so used to getting his own way
and now he won't be able to, despite the fact everyone says,
"You're the most powerful man in the world," he'll blow up...
He'll say something about Angela Merkel,
or try and knock off the Queen, he'll do something.
He won't be able to control himself.
It's a long way even before the inauguration.
I thought for a minute you said he was trying to knock UP the Queen.
You get a man who stands in front of his country and says, "I don't..."
"I don't pay my taxes..."
It's uncanny, it's like he's here.
"I don't pay my tax," and they think that's great, he's smart.
He says, "I don't pay my taxes because the law doesn't make me."
And they vote him in.
It's difficult to know what he could have said that would have
put people off voting for him.
He seems to have said everything.
He could have said, "I am Hillary Clinton."
You just have to accept there's a lot of dumb people on the planet.
That's why there's ITV.
-Are there any silver linings we can think of?
He's going to have a court case as soon as he gets in
because there are three places taking him to court
for Trump University,
which he created to teach people about real estate.
And he didn't get any proper staff and they just made millions.
He was charging them, like, 35,000 to just turn up and have someone
chat to them about the housing market.
Are you suggesting that Donald Trump is a crook?
No, I'm suggesting that he's a moron, misogynist, sexist,
Which leads us back to Toblerone's new flavour for Christmas.
-I've got a silver lining here.
-Have you? Go on, then.
One silver lining. Katie Hopkins said she'll move to the USA,
if Trump got elected.
I'm just going to book her an Uber to get...
Can you think of any other silver linings?
I've never watched an election unfold...
a US election unfold overnight from London...
watching the BBC overnight.
And that's the way...
If you want to watch America go down the dumper,
watch it through the befuddled nocturnal fog
of a man named Andrew Neil...
The man is just barely on top of everything
and he just sits there...
And he had other people beside him...
He looks like he's squeezed in like this and, when they are not there,
he still looks like he's squeezed in,
like his body is trying to eject itself...
And he comes out and he's trying to explain the electoral college
and he doesn't quite...
Nobody quite gets it, cos it's impossible to explain it.
"Somebody's got to get 270!"
And now you are watching this scoreboard at a bowling alley
and then finally give up and they just bring out this guy
who just...dances on a map.
He dances on a map and he's trying to show all the states
with his feet...
"Oop, there's Wisconsin and there's Ohio and, oh...
"Here's a red state turning blue... Oh, no."
I mean, Christ, Trump is becoming President
and the guy is playing Twister.
And then finally, you know, there's just the top of
Andrew Neil's head...
Spray-on thatch thing...
He comes back up at 6:30 and says, "Trump's President."
Great, Trump's President and I'm watching an acorn talk to me.
The longest TV review I've ever heard!
There's no point in listening to anybody, I decided this
after reading newsprint for the last two years -
everyone was wrong about absolutely everything.
-No-one saw it coming.
-Nearly all political punditry,
nearly all political analysis turned out to be completely wrong.
So it means you don't have to read this stuff, you just guess.
Everything they said would happen didn't happen.
Everybody said Trump couldn't possibly win, at every point,
and it was all rubbish - no-one knew anything.
Is that one good thing?
That perhaps there will be no more polls
-because they're always wrong.
What will they do instead of polls? They could just cut to a jazz band...
-I think they should do entrails.
The polls themselves - anybody here ever taken part in a poll?
There you go.
People aren't savvy enough to cut a wide berth when they
see somebody coming at 'em with a clipboard?
The Sun did have a point... The Sun did...
"The Sun did have a point"? Oh, stop it!
They had a silver lining. They printed a silver lining today,
That's grasping at straws.
This whole thing could be an undercover operation in order
for him to become American President, where he can then
reveal his true self.
-Yeah, it's Johnny Depp.
Did anyone notice anything unusual about Trump's victory speech?
Ah, he has a son called Barron Trump.
Well, he wants him to be President one day.
It's like the Bushes, isn't it? It's a new dynasty coming up.
-Yeah, here it comes!
-Just doesn't work for the Clintons.
Well, they used to call the Clintons "sex between the Bushes".
Who is at least partly responsible for Trump's victory?
The American electorate.
The people who didn't vote.
-The people who didn't vote.
46.9% of the electorate did not bother voting.
Low turnout. Yeah.
Looked at it and went, "Oh, I'll sit this one out."
So, I mean, Trump actually got fewer votes than Romney did in 2012.
It was more the Democratic vote collapsing.
But he got more black people than Romney and more Hispanics
than Romney, despite an entire campaign in which
he denigrated both those demographics.
So, it doesn't really make any sense.
Most of the analysis seemed to me just saying,
-"It doesn't matter what he did."
And then he comes on with an acceptance speech and says,
"I'd like to thank Hillary Clinton for her years of public service."
I mean, it's just as though nothing at all is true any more.
Ah, that's it! You've hit on it.
We convince him it's all a dream.
That's simply it.
Easy to doctor the footage on the TV, that's easily done.
Hillary Clinton wins - "Oh, well, I gave it my best shot."
"Never mind, Mr Trump, let's go to your hotel."
Keep it going for years. He never looks out of the window.
As soon as he's started to twig that something's happened,
send a pretty woman past him, he's gone!
Say, "Yeah, you'll be fine,
"they'll get somebody else in to do it."
Did you see...? How did Vladimir Putin greet the news?
Well, he said, "For me, Toblerone has always been an iconic bar..."
Putin, Putin... Well, he greeted the news,
-probably, by going, "Mwah-ha-ha!" but in Russian.
-And he sent Trump a telegram.
-Do they still exist in Russia?
There are telegrams, yeah.
Well, he knows better than anyone not to trust e-mail.
Who might be selected for Trump's team?
Ku Klux Klan?
-Well, Sarah Palin is rumoured to be
in the running for Secretary of State...
Love Sarah, love her. Who else? Someone closer to home.
He's a Mexican, he's being bought in.
Calm the waters.
-There's someone who wants a job. MAUREEN:
Yeah, he's over there, he's gone already.
So sad to see him go, isn't it(?)
Yeah, he wants to be Trump's ambassador to the EU.
-He's going to be the ambassador.
-Oh, no, go for it! Go for it!
-That's what's going to happen.
We've established the whole thing is comedy,
-let's just go for it.
Can you tell me what was one of the first casualties of the election result?
-Yeah, go on...
The Canadian visitors' website shut down.
Yeah, Canada's Citizenship and Immigration website crashed
because so many Americans were enquiring about moving there.
I fancy somewhere further away than Canada, like Mars.
There's been these adverts on the BBC for somewhere called
Planet Earth II.
That's where to go.
Trump's potential to put the cat amongst the pigeons was spotted
back in the early '90s - who by?
Oh, was this Michael Moore or The Simpsons?
No, it's neither of them, it's Saint and Greavsie.
-Saint and Greavsie?
-Here is an interesting clip.
The draw for the fifth round of the Rumbelows League Cup.
Assisting me with the draw are Jimmy Greaves,
who will draw the home team
and Donald Trump, who will draw the away team.
Against number six.
Will play Manchester United.
You don't realise what you've done, there!
This is the shock news from America that, after all these years
of trying to impose it on the rest of the world, democracy may,
in fact, be shit.
The Obamas are already making plans
for handing over the White House to Donald Trump -
they've hidden the nuclear codes and broken the hairdryer.
Yet again, the opinion pollsters utterly failed
to see the shock result coming - first Brexit, now this.
Frankly, I'm off to put a tenner on Honey G to win the X Factor
and Ched Evans to be voted Sports Personality of the Year.
Ian and Maureen, take a look at this...
That's not a judge!
That's the front cover of what I can only describe
as the Mail.
That's Nigel Farage having his...
Cake and eating it.
-The thing about Brexit was it was referred to the courts.
The judgment, they said it's got to be referred to Parliament.
It's got to have an Act of Parliament.
And then a lot of the press went sort of slightly bonkers.
And the Mail ran this enormous headline,
"Enemies of the People", about the judges.
which isn't - it's not got good precedence,
cos it was originally Robespierre, just before the Terror.
The it was borrowed by Lenin.
Then, let's be honest, it was Hitler...
Then it was Pol Pot.
And then it was the Daily Mail, so it's got a sort of...
The Express got quite emotional about it, they said...
Well, a lot of Tories said, "Can you stop being hysterical?
"Can we calm down?"
And The Spectator, which isn't exactly
known as a hotbed of radical lefties,
said this is a perfectly reasonable judgment.
And one Tory MP actually resigned.
He said, "Obviously, it's got to go back to Parliament."
The Ukippers weren't great either.
Suzanne Evans - she said, "What's very important is to have
"an independent judiciary which should be subject to control."
Farage said there would be riots in the streets.
You've drawn a picture of Nigel Farage, haven't you?
I have drawn a picture of Nigel...
-Is this a separate career we didn't know existed?
Shall we have a quick look at it?
-Is this in a book that you've got coming out?
-It is, Ian, yes.
-Good grief, I was paid so much for that.
I've done you as well.
Somehow, I've lost interest in this book. Can we, um...?
Let's have a vote. Who wants to see the drawing of Ian?
-Er, you're in it too.
-Democracy doesn't work!
-Can we bring that up?
-Yeah, go on.
Let's see if we can guess which is which.
that actually says...
..Ian Hislopeared Bunny,
Anyway, back to reality.
-What did Lord Chancellor Liz Truss do wrong?
She didn't speak, she didn't say anything.
She didn't stand up for the judges.
She did give a very weak and late defence of the judges.
Not nearly as passionate as we know Liz can be
when she's talking about something she truly loves.
We import two-thirds of our cheese.
That is a disgrace.
Naturally, many people were looking to the opposition to condemn
the press coverage of the judges. What did Jeremy Corbyn do?
He made jam.
Actually, he immediately sprang into action. He took to Twitter.
Corbyn was approached by the Daily Mirror
about the possibility of an early election, how did he respond?
He said, "Stop harassing me."
-Oh, that's right, yeah.
-Would you like to see?
-I'd love to see.
I've watched it quite a lot.
It's never good when you're asked, "Do you want to fight an election?"
and you run away out the door.
Which suggests you're not exactly gung-ho
for the democratic challenge.
Did you notice what he did at the end there?
Basically, as a leader, he shouldn't be trying to hide.
And as a hider, he shouldn't be hiding behind glass.
What did we learn about how Corbyn
is perceived across the pond this week?
Somebody said he's mad. Was it Clinton?
Bill Clinton said, "That one's completely mad."
WikiLeaks revealed some more Clinton e-mails which revealed
Bill was slightly baffled by Corbyn being made leader last year,
saying Labour had made the unlikely decision to choose...
That's not counting Diane Abbott, of course.
-SHE IMPERSONATES DIANE ABBOTT:
-No, no, I mean it. Listen.
-This is somebody who hasn't even...
..got control of her own breath.
Do you do Theresa May, as well?
I'm thinking of political balance here.
I was at a charity for ovarian cancer the other week
and I was walking towards... I'll have to get up.
I was walking towards the microphone.
And I suddenly found myself transmogrifying into Theresa May.
I just suddenly hollowed out my body and started walking forward.
-And then the voice...
-SHE IMPERSONATES THERESA MAY:
..is slightly between two registers, isn't it?
Slightly like that.
And I noticed there were breadsticks on all the tables,
so I did point out that breadsticks means breadsticks.
So, no, I can't do it.
Anyway, this is the ongoing fight between Brexiteers and Wrexiteers,
Remoaners, Remainers, Bremoaners, Bremainers.
Let's call the whole thing off.
Subject to a judicial review.
According to the Daily Star,
Brexit has been good news for some people's salaries.
Thanks to the slump in the pound against the euro...
Hang on, has this whole thing just been one massive episode of Hustle?
There are fears Brexit may be held up by the House of Lords.
This week, Andrew Lloyd Webber expressed his irritation
at being expected to participate in the House of Lords, saying...
All right, Andrew, don't make a song and dance about it.
No, really, please, DON'T make a song and dance about it.
Anyway, at the end of that round, it's two points each.
And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News.
Fingers on buzzers. Here is the first one.
Donald Trump has been elected
President of the United States of America.
It's the news that Toblerone
have betrayed the will of the British people
by changing the dimensions of a chocolate bar.
Do you know how the bar has changed?
The pyramids have got more of a gap between them now.
This is a photograph of Toblerone before...
and this is after.
People have suggested a use for the new-look Toblerone.
I can think of one.
Do you want to know what it is? Can you think of a use for it?
You can park five bicycles.
-That's not a bad suggestion.
-You can measure your feet with it.
Anything, you can measure your feet with.
Put your kid's foot down on one
and then you cut out the triangles that his foot goes in.
And where his heel meets that...
-..measure his foot.
-That will work.
-Is this Dragons' Den?
Cos I'm out.
Former Deputy Prime Minister
John Prescott got involved in the Toblerone row.
It's a very important issue.
To which one wag replied...
People have suggested you can hold your toast in it.
-Do Toblerones come from Switzerland?
What, just foreign chocolate, coming over here...?
Same as cheese.
Two-thirds of cheese coming over here is from France.
-It's quite nice cheese!
-Some of it.
Nothing wrong with it!
-Toblerone's not cheese, is it?
-No, it's not cheese!
-How did we get here?
You could put some cheese in between...
It's like being in an old people's home here!
"Is it cheese, Matron?" "No!"
"Has Mr Trump been elected?" "No!"
"I think my nurse is stealing from me!"
"Look at this Toblerone!"
In other snack-related news, what controversy did
a fan of cookies get into this week?
The Cookie Monster, I believe made an appearance on The One Show
-and wore a poppy.
-Take a look.
The Cookie Monster is with us. Welcome to The One Show.
Hi. Thank you.
HE IMPERSONATES COOKIE MONSTER: Lest we forget...
those who fell at nom-nom-nom-Normandy!
Was it a controversy, then?
I don't know if you've noticed it, but he's a puppet.
Yeah, but by the standards of The One Show
that's not necessarily a problem.
I've hosted it. I know what I'm talking about.
This is the news that Toblerones have got smaller.
One outraged chocolate lover tweeted...
Good luck finding another last-minute present at Heathrow.
I hope your kids like travel adaptors.
Meanwhile, on The One Show, Chris Tarrant was joined on the sofa
by the Cookie Monster, who was controversially wearing a poppy.
The BBC admitted they may have made a misjudgement in putting
a poppy on the Cookie Monster and hastily cancelled their plans
for Big Bird to lay a wreath at the Cenotaph.
Fingers on buzzers again, please. Here comes the next one.
That's poor Prince Harry.
The press have moved in on the new girlfriend
and it's a shame because it's the beginning of a relationship.
Just leave him alone.
It wasn't just the press, though, was it?
He was having a go at everyone on Twitter and Facebook.
But it's horrible, all this trolleying business.
-We are living in a...
Is that what it's called, now?
People coming round your house and throwing a supermarket trolley?
"Don't like your opinions..."
-But he was very upset about people being rude about her
below the line, as it were.
-And the tinge of racism he detected there.
Rachel Johnson, writing in the Mail, I believe,
described Meghan's mum as...
-Thank you, Rachel.
-The same paper said...
..as they revealed...
I don't know what gang-scarring is. I think it's like pebbledashing.
I did read something in the Express that it would really help
if Harry just came and posed for some photographs
and then it would all go away.
What sort of photographs?
He's done that before.
Yeah, and I think she's done a bit of it, too.
-She... To be fair to her, she's an actress.
And she was in a show called Suits
and there was a scene in that was, I think, vaguely steamy...
Just Suits. She was...
She was clothed, but it ended up on PornHub.
-Are you familiar with PornHub?
Was she wearing a poppy?
By the end of that, she was.
Probably why they're upset, to be fair.
What is the press's counterargument?
He's the Prince, he's the second son,
it's his job to provide entertainment.
The first son is there to be boring,
and William is doing that terrifically.
And he goes to Canada and says "Good evening" to a moose
and, you know...other animals,
and that goes very well, and the second son,
you know - "We want a bit of action!"
A bit of raunch, a bit of American actress.
-So that's his job.
Interesting. Naked. Like Princess Margaret - pissed.
It's... You obviously haven't done any constitutional history.
This is the job of the second sibling.
First sibling - wave, dogs, Balmoral.
Second sibling - "Whoaaay!"
Prince Charles, Prince Andrew.
Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, thank you!
Paul's agreed with me about something! It's a first!
But it doesn't work for King George VI.
We're not going back that far!
-It's not a great theory...
-This is topical!
This is a topical show.
-But actually, that's not...
Really, they are arguing that Meghan likes the attention,
is their argument.
They say she's drawing the attention of her 1.2 million or so
followers on Instagram, that she is courting it
by posting pictures alluding to the relationship,
pictures like this one.
That's what we'll get.
That's a really specialist search.
This is Prince Harry's formal complaint
about the treatment of his girlfriend, Meghan Markle.
According to the Times, Meghan has been subjected to...
Well, if he will take her round to see his grandad...
Fingers on buzzers once more, please.
I feel I did that a bit weakly.
Shall I do it again?
-Yeah, do it again.
-Yeah, more macho!
Yes, this is a new form of greeting card where somebody's died
and you say, "Congratulations, you're dead,
"you will never live under a Trump presidency.
"Or indeed, have to submit yourself to the brand-new Toblerone."
Is it something to do with new greetings cards?
That's what it must be.
-No, it's not.
It's to do... It is to do with death.
Is it something to do with talking about death more?
No, although I have been doing that,
personally, in my head ever since the result came in.
Um, I don't think you're going to get it.
It's the news that a woman from Brazil
has held her own funeral while still alive.
There you go.
It's like a photo you get taken on a log flume ride!
That's quite a bright idea, actually.
I've often thought, when I've heard eulogies,
"Why didn't you say that when they were alive?"
Because they weren't dead. That's what a eulogy is.
When you're alive, it's called a review.
It's a review, yeah.
When you're dead, it's another review, but it's...
Do you think when you're dead,
they should give you a star rating out of five?
Like on Amazon. "Three - meh."
If you like this person...
If you like this person dead, you'll also like this person dead.
Death is clearly more popular than you think, because what ride...
-Everyone's doing it!
What right did a Chinese theme park launch last year?
-The journey from this world to the next.
Yes, on a little rollercoaster,
where you see ghosts of your previous relatives waving at you
as you head towards the Waterfall of Doom!
-Nearly. They launched...
Um, it involves...
I think we've got a picture of it.
-It's been a big hit with punters. According to the Mail...
Barking. Do you remember that programme Clive James used to do
about television, and he used to do the thing from Japan,
and I'll never forget, he had three men in silver sort of
paper suits with a cut-out portion for their bums,
and they each had an enema, on television,
and the one who could hold it the longest won the prize.
Now, they don't make 'em like that any more.
They actually do - have you seen E4?
It's called Enema of the People.
Thank you very much.
Which means at the end of this round, it's three-all.
OK, time for the Odd One Out round. It's just one between you this week.
Your four are...
Russell Crowe's film, Noah,
full-bladdered members of the House of Lords
and Keith Richards.
Keith Richards this week spoke about having
a stick that can control the rain,
and he says just before they go out to play a gig, the Rolling Stones
outdoor gigs, he waves the stick up in the air and it stops it raining.
Russell Crowe's film, Noah, I mean, I would imagine, ironically,
the thing would be that the film was disrupted because of rain,
so I'm going to guess that.
The House of Lords, they've got a terrible leaking roof,
so they've been affected by rain.
And I don't know anything about biscuits,
-so I'm going to claim they are the odd one out.
Too much water, except in the case of custard creams,
where there's not enough water.
Ah, Keith Richards is the odd one out, because none of
the others can control the rain, but he claims he can.
Absolutely right. APPLAUSE
They've all been stopped by rain, except for Keith Richards,
who believes he has the power
to stop it raining, using his magic stick.
That's absolutely right.
He explained in a Rolling Stones documentary that he...
What do you think happened later in the documentary?
-Well, it obviously rained during the concert.
-Yeah, it did.
He explained that...
-It's a joke!
-The Rolling Stones always know when it's about to rain,
as their rheumatism starts to play up something awful.
Hundreds of Lords have been banned from using the toilet
during heavy rainfall.
The basement was flooded with sewage on June 23, which was of course...
We've all been knee-deep in it ever since.
-Sticking with toilets...
Why have people been talking about Michael Gove's toilet this week?
Has he got stuck down it?
In a passage from political insider Craig Oliver's book,
when discussing Gove's leadership bid,
friends of Gove claimed he wasn't worldly enough, saying...
You know this story isn't true, by that phrase -
"friends of Gove".
It sounds a bit dangerous,
but if there's one thing more appealing than the thought of
Michael Gove being electrocuted, it's him being electrocuted
while being covered in shit at the same time.
And what great stroke of irony fell upon the filming of
-Russell Crowe's film, Noah?
-The boat that they built, it floated away.
Nearly - it was stopped
by Superstorm Sandy, it halted production.
Another irony is that it wasn't true.
-What, the story of Noah?
What are you, some sort of East Coast liberal?
I, I never quite bought it. I don't think it happened.
It could have been earlier - Gilgamesh.
-There is other evidence of a flood.
-I think there was a big flood.
-This is a topical show...
It's not often you get to talk about the epic of Gilgamesh
on BBC One and I'm going to use the opportunity!
On release, the Russell Crowe film Noah was banned in several
Not on religious grounds. They've just got higher cinematic standards.
Flooding in Carlisle caused millions of pounds' worth of damage
to a local biscuit factory.
As flood levels rose, very few biscuits were able to survive
in the rising waters,
except, of course, the Penguins.
Which means at the end of this round,
it's five to Paul and Rich
and three to Ian and Maureen.
-How did that happen?
Time for the Missing Words round,
which, this week, features as its guest publication...
That's a magazine that doesn't GLOSS over the issues
and isn't afraid to stir up EMULSIONS.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
We start with...
Is it "refuses to take responsibility for the referendum"?
Yes. Upon finding Dave, the UK's longest ever earthworm -
there he is - Paul Rees sent him to the Natural History Museum,
where he was immediately killed in the name of science.
Why did he send him to a museum, though?
I mean, why not send it to a zoo, if he wanted it to live?
It's a pretty poor zoo that would exhibit a worm.
"I've seen the worms of Whipsnade."
Don't get out of the car!
Don't get out of the car, they can turn.
Donald Trump making a grab for her.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
A photograph of her husband kissing Raquel Welch.
I had no idea what I was going to say
at the beginning of that sentence. Surprised the hell out of me.
The answer is, obviously...
Oh, I know this story. This is in a production of King Lear.
Which I actually went to see this week.
In the scene where they gouge out Gloucester's eyes,
one of the daughters threw the eye into the audience,
and not the night I went, but another night,
it ended up in someone's ice cream.
I like the productions where they eat the eye.
So, you've gone to see Shakespeare more than once?
Um... I've watched Black Mirror, some of it, more than once.
-How did it com...
Hold on a minute! "How did it compare to Shakespeare?"
Which was better, my programme or Shakespeare?
Shakespeare. Much as I enjoyed the Shakespeare, um...
No, I'm afraid it was... It was a bit better.
Oh. Um, er...
Annoys family at bottom of cliff.
"It's coming down our chimney, mate!"
You were nearly right... Well, no, er...
This is an article from Paint and Resin Times,
about how a public toilet was transformed with a lick of paint.
This is the old joke - fight breaks out when a husband comes home
and finds his wife in bed with three policeman.
And the husband says, "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello?"
And the wife says, "What's the matter?
"Aren't you talking to me, then?"
-That's a joke.
Finds his wife in bed with Dave, the record-breaking worm.
Animals are involved.
Husband comes home and find his wife in bed with an ocelot.
So tempted to give you that.
That's what he said to the ocelot.
It's fight breaks out when husband comes home...
-With ANOTHER penguin?!
-With another penguin.
That was the twist!
Yes, this is a National Geographic video clip
involving a penguin love triangle
which ended in violence between the males.
-Heads for Mexican border.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Bus disguised as brick wall
It's bus disguised as brick wall...
This is... Apparently.
It's from Paint and Resin Times. Here is the bus.
Taking your children to be DNA tested.
That would be a pretty sad hobby, wouldn't it?
"They're not yours."
-Consolidating your freckles with a marker pen.
The answer is...
-That's all right.
-That's all right.
It's better than you thought, isn't it? Here's another one.
-Art Deco, very Art Deco.
And finally, look at this.
See? It's actually quite good.
Of course, what a mere photograph can't really convey
is the squelch.
Anyway, the final scores are
Paul and Rich with five,
and Ian and Maureen with three.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Maureen Lipman, Paul Merton and Rich Hall,
and I leave you with news that TV audiences around the world
are coming to terms with a Donald Trump presidency
leading to a destabilised, chaotic and divided America.
A resort just outside Moscow hosts a bonding awayday
for Vladimir Putin's Cabinet.
And in Dover, two Ukip supporters
spot a member of the judiciary out for a stroll.