Election Special Have I Got a Bit More News for You

-A few words for level, please, Alan.

-Alan Johnson, ex-MP.

Oh, have you not been informed?

LAUGHTER

I decided to go straight. Where's my sister, by the way?

WOMAN CHEERS

LAUGHTER

This programme contains adult humour.

She seems to be having a good time, whatever she's doing.

You've got the best catchphrase in showbiz. "Where's my sister?"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to this election special of

Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jo Brand, and the result is, of course, TBC.

Oh, sorry, that should have been filled in.

And the result is, of course, Total Bloody Chaos.

In the news this week, in the race to be the first constituency

to declare, there's evidence that the counters at

Newcastle Central may not have processed all the votes properly.

After playing a key role in the Conservatives' disastrous

election campaign, Lynton Crosby goes home to put up a garden shed.

As he waits to be served a much-needed drink,

Nick Clegg struggles to accept how much contempt

he was held in by his own constituency.

And after finally retaining her seat after two recounts,

Amber Rudd slightly overdoes the celebrations.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who spends his time touring

the country, making things up and bringing laughter to millions.

No, it's not Theresa May. Please welcome Ross Noble!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a former Labour minister who's just retired,

so this could be his last TV appearance.

It all depends on whether he can dance.

LAUGHTER

If he can't, we'll see him on Strictly.

Please welcome Alan Johnson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with Ian and Ross. Take a look at this.

This must be the election.

-Yes, it is. ROSS:

-Is there an election on?

-There was.

-I should have watched the telly.

The British public have spoken.

And no-one knows what they've said.

That's a good look.

He's won, look, he thinks he's won.

I think... It's an absolutely amazing result.

Everybody who was predicting it was completely wrong.

What seems to have happened is that the British public don't like

being told what to think,

and they don't like people getting above themselves,

so Mrs May just got a huge slap.

"I'll take half your majority away. Shut up!"

I like your characterisation of the British public as this one

tetchy individual.

A slight air of camp about it, let's be fair.

That's how I view them. They also don't like people picking on people.

So Corbyn got a massive sympathy vote. Boomf!

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yay!

-There's one!

No, it was absolutely extraordinary.

-And those of us who stayed up all night...

-You sound a bit hoarse.

-Were you shouting at the screen for a long time?

-Nearly five hours.

No, it was amazing and just completely unpredictable.

Whatever you thought you knew was completely wrong.

Which is good for people in my business.

Don't you think it's time to get rid of the British public? I mean...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-They are getting in the way, aren't they?

-They are!

To be fair, that is what May is planning to do.

Cos we've got too many old people, so she's going to go,

"I think we could just get rid of them as quickly as possible."

We've had it with Europe and with the local elections...

They keep doing things we don't want them to do.

-I don't know, they've gone too far. Enough is enough.

-Yes.

Although, to be fair, they didn't vote in Mr Fish Finger.

There he is! There he is!

It's Mr Fish Finger at the front, actually.

I think that's cruel. He might have been born like that.

Imagine giving birth to that and being told by the doctor

"He's a boy, but he's a fish finger as well."

Amber Rudd... Am I the only one who thinks Amber Rudd sounds like

a traffic light sequence? So...

If she stood for the Green Party, it would be Amber "Rudd" Green.

Like the Highway Code.

I said that on the programme about eight months ago!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's almost word for word what I said.

-I didn't see it, honestly.

-No.

-It's just, when you sit here, your genius emanates.

-I know.

I can't do anything about it. I'll have to sit near an open window.

If they can find me saying it and play it in...

-I know, Ian, it's getting late.

-I know!

-Have you got a charabanc to catch somewhere?

-I have!

-I'll shut up.

-No, no. No, no.

-What's happened?

-We've gone off the election cos they're not interested.

Steve, who's lost their seat?

Yeah, OK. All right. Paul Nuttall has just resigned.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Paul Nuttall has resigned? That's not bad.

He had a disappointing evening.

Their seats went from nought to nought. Which is tough.

-But hang on.

-He claims he's resigned,

-but that might just be what it says on his website.

-Yeah.

We might find out he's still got his job.

Who told you this Amber Rudd joke?

LAUGHTER

-I thought it up myself.

-You thought it up yourself?!

I sit in a darkened room.

I think of you and this stuff comes into my head.

LAUGHTER

-If he starts doing jokes about penguins, we're onto him.

-Yeah.

Now, it was an amazing night for Jeremy Corbyn.

Alan, you described him as "useless, incompetent and incapable."

You're reading things into that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Typical of the mainstream media - attacking.

Hislop and his establishment paper, Public Eye or whatever it is,

-you just make up these things.

-Can I just say at this point,

I'd like to congratulate Jeremy on a very, very good campaign.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm not serious!

He was terrible, but he wasn't as terrible as her.

That's all that matters.

If you start from a really low bar...

A huge success.

He's now as successful as Gordon Brown was when he lost.

But we consider victory to be a bourgeois concept.

The only goal for true socialists is glorious, bloody defeat.

Then Mrs May must be thrilled.

-Are young people responsible for this?

-Yeah, they've come out,

which is terrific.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next they'll get a job!

We have to ask you, Ross, cos you're the nearest thing

-approaching a young person.

-Oh, my God!

That makes me feel very special.

And completely at odds with everything my wife says.

According to ITV, the third-most googled question last night was...

That might have been older people, we don't know.

I think that was Tories.

Jeremy was very pleased.

-He attempted a high-five with Emily Thornberry.

-Oh, yes.

-Shall we have a look?

-Yes, let's have a look at that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Essentially, he saw the opportunity was there.

-Everybody would see it as a mistake.

-Typical of a politician,

he just fronted it out and pretended it didn't happen,

whereas he should have just owned it and gone...

HE HONKS

That's what people want from the politicians.

Except Donald Trump, obviously.

People kept saying he was like Trump, an outsider, and he thought,

"If I'm going to be really like Trump..."

No-one could quite believe the exit poll when it was announced

at 10pm but sadly for Theresa May, Exit meant Exit.

Let's have a look at somebody that was helping out.

It's the expert behind the poll, Professor John Curtice,

who was made to stand on a balcony and shout down at David Dimbleby.

For those of you who watched,

there were seven hours of people going "It's too early to say.

"It's too... No, it's not early any more. It's... Oh, damn, it's right."

And there was quite a lot of him,

once you got into the early hours, going...

In fact, there's probably footage of him on that scaffolding going,

"Come on!"

Shall we have a look at some of the high-profile casualties?

We like to do that. Let's start with Nick Clegg.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-There we go. ROSS:

-He did look sad.

-He looks very depressed, doesn't he?

-ALAN:

-No, that's a look of relief.

-Do you think?

-It's relief.

-He's out of there, yeah.

-Anyone here feel sorry for him?

Yeah, I felt sorry for him. But when the coalition started,

I said, "I don't mind a hung parliament."

I quite like the idea of politicians having to deal with each other

and come up with a compromise in the middle.

I'm against thumping majorities, cos they go around thumping people.

APPLAUSE

The guy who beat Nick Clegg had to go out and buy

a suit in the supermarket.

He didn't think he was going to win.

So they sent him out to get a suit.

What sort of supermarket sells suits?

-Tesco Extra.

-Tesco...

-Tesco Extra, 24 hours a day.

-Waistcoats...?

-Do they do cummerbunds at short notice?

-They do.

And first-rate spats.

LAUGHTER

Would you like to see Laura Kuenssberg talking about

-Tim Farron's close shave?

-No.

-Yes.

A very, very knife-edge result in Westmorland, where Tim Farron,

the current party leader, is facing potential defeat.

There's chatter there about a recunt - recount.

LAUGHTER

The thing about that is, she's been working so hard, just nonstop.

She hasn't had a break.

The other day, she was on the news and she said... She was supposed

to say, "They've been out there shaking hands and kissing babies."

And I swear to God,

she went, "They've been out there shaking babies... Oh!"

I went "What?" Theresa May's going, "I really don't want to continue."

Shaking babies!

It's sad. She was talking all night and that's the bit everyone remembers.

-I know.

-I was in a room full of people who all just laughed.

No, we thought it was a bit hard on Tim.

And in a bad night for the SNP and a brilliant one for

Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson,

-Alex Salmond lost his seat.

-Yes.

That was a shame, wasn't it, audience?

-See Doctor Who won that one.

-He's flashing up there.

Peter Capaldi won that seat. Look there - Doctor Who.

As you're filling in for Laura Kuenssberg here, Jo...

-Shut up, you

-BLEEP!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry.

You're nicking my material now!

Paul, let's take you briefly back to a painful area, Amber Rudd.

It wasn't Michael Portillo who told you, was it?

-No.

-She won after two recounts,

although Diane Abbott said it was five.

LAUGHTER

Will Amber Rudd be the next leader, do you think?

If she does become the next leader,

I can imagine the headline writers will have a field day with her name.

It's almost like a traffic light.

Traffic light sequence!

-Who was looking very happy at the result?

-Jeremy.

No, think Tory who's recently...

-Osborne.

-Yes, indeed, Osborne.

He was on ITV. They had a special smugometer for him.

He had little curly shoes on with bells,

and he was skipping from foot to foot.

-I can't imagine George Osborne looking smug.

-Well, here we are.

Have a look. There he is.

LAUGHTER

He had a strange habit of giving the viewer a piercing stare.

Let's have a look.

-ROSS:

-To be fair, he was just looking like that because Ed Balls

was tap dancing on his feet.

What's going to happen now?

Well, they've got to form a government. Unless Steve comes in

again and tells us that Theresa May has resigned.

Or maybe the public will resign.

I think the vote is pretty clear. We don't want to vote again.

Can we not?

We've done it enough now.

Let's have a referendum on whether we want to do that.

Even in Scotland they said they'd had enough voting.

Just across the board. If you're promising another vote,

everyone goes, "No. No, thanks. We're quite busy this year."

Let me just nip in with a question.

What does a hung parliament mean for Brexit?

The negotiations begin in 11 days.

Somebody from the European Union

has already said that she's a lame duck.

Cos she says "My government wants this," and they say,

"You don't have a government."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Which is not a great position.

APPLAUSE

Theresa May has shown she is strong and stable,

so when she goes into those negotiations,

they will obviously be in awe of this strong and stable...

-This is the woman who backed out of an interview on Woman's Hour.

-Yeah.

-You have to be strong to do that.

-That takes guts.

We need a boo for the end, so can I just say Zac Goldsmith got in?

AUDIENCE: Booo!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can we look forward to another general election in the autumn?

We might get... You can hear the groans.

-But if I was a Tory, Alan...

-Which you are.

Yeah, like you. No! No.

If I was, I'd be thinking,

"Let's just let her do the next year or so."

-Just going to be miserable, isn't it?

-It's going to be miserable.

-Sitting around, she's doing Brexit.

-Yeah.

So who definitely won't be happy to hear there might be another

-general election? Who do we remember?

-Is it everyone?

Well, Brenda from Bristol.

Remember how she reacted to the news?

You're joking.

Not another one?!

Oh, for God's sake, honestly...

I can't stand this. There's too much politics going on at the moment.

Why does she need to do it?

APPLAUSE

A question she must be asking herself.

And thinking, "Why didn't I employ Brenda as a special assistant?"

-So, this is the news...

-Carry on, Laura.

-Thank you.

Watch it.

I have other weapons in my vocabulary apart from the C-word.

This is the news of...

-You started with the nuclear option, though, didn't you?

-I did.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I know.

That's always a massive mistake if you're a stand-up

cos if you start with the nuclear option, you got nowhere to go

except crying off-stage, really.

Tell that to Kim Jong-il.

I will, cos we're good mates.

He likes a cake.

LAUGHTER AND OOHING

-Thank you, Ian.

-You have a programme about cakes!

-Oh, OK.

This is the news of the humiliating victory for Theresa May.

Not quite all of the results are in yet as we speak.

The largest party...

is being held by students in Sheffield,

where Nick Clegg lost his seat.

Speaking at the Islington count,

Jeremy Corbyn called for the Prime Minister to go, saying...

In fact, the only thing she did win, Jeremy, was 50 more seats than you.

There's an outside chance that Jeremy Corbyn could form

a minority government,

although he would need the support of Sinn Fein. See?

You never know when your links to terrorist groups will come in handy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Paul and Alan, take a look at this.

Oh, this would seem to be the same question as they had.

-There's Theresa May.

-Who's that?

Dunno, Mr Sesame Street.

That's going to happen to transport in Britain. He's on a coach.

We've seen all these people already.

I refer Your Honour to my client's previous answer.

-Slightly different slant on it.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

This is the last few days of Theresa May thinking she had

a political future.

She was flummoxed by a tough question on ITV.

-Do you know what it was?

-"What's your favourite colour?"

Yes, it was something like,

"What is the craziest thing you've ever done?"

-"The maddest thing you've ever done"?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Naughtiest.

Naughty, thank you. I'm indebted to the MP for Rochdale North...

Let's have a look and see exactly what she did say.

-What's the naughtiest thing you ever did?

-Oh, goodness me. Um...

Well, I suppose...

-PAUL:

-Threesome with John Major and Nicholas Soames.

-I'm not quite sure.

-There must have been a moment.

Nobody is ever perfectly behaved, are they? I mean, I have to confess,

when me and my friends used to run through the fields of wheat,

the farmers weren't too pleased about that.

But, to be fair, what she didn't say was that she was carrying

another child who had a terrible wheat allergy.

And she was just running, like that. And his head was all swollen up...

Basically... I mean, the thing is, right,

is that the campaign was so terrible and she did such an appalling job

and she still was trying to make out that, you know...

What she should have done there - "So what's the worst thing?" -

she should have gone, "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."

-That's what she should have done.

-LAUGHTER

Now, I'm going to ask you lot, then,

what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? Ian?

Yeah, come on, Ian. This'll be interesting!

Tell them about the threesome

with Lady Antonia Fraser and Harold Pinter.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, how long have you got?

That's what you used to say when you walked in!

What happened when Tim Farron went inside his polling station to vote?

-They wouldn't let him in.

-No. Shall we have a look?

-Yeah.

There's a fight.

-WOMAN:

-A man just nearly tripped up. He's done it again.

What's going on?

Oh, God, they're having a proper scrap.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

LAUGHTER

There we go. Bit of a scrap outside.

It's nothing compared to John Prescott.

John Prescott didn't let the cameramen and the reporters

hit each other, he stepped in himself.

Now, during his final week of campaigning,

what mistake did Conservative candidate Chris Hopkins make

at a hustings in Keighley, West Yorkshire?

Did he forget which party he was standing for? Or where he was?

He made the mistake of asking the audience a question

-that he assumed was rhetorical. Let's see if they agreed.

-Right.

ALL: Yes!

LAUGHTER

And the seat was won by John Grogan, Labour's candidate there.

CHEERING

Thank you, John Grogan's family.

Meanwhile, in East Yorkshire, what did Conservative candidate

Greg Knight do at the end of his campaign video that took

everyone by surprise?

Oh, he took his clothes off. Danced naked in the Hawaiian sun.

-Played the drums.

-Whistled.

-You're not far off on the sort of music...

-He sang.

-Let's just have a look and see.

Hello, my name's Greg Knight.

I'm the Conservative candidate for East Yorkshire.

I hope you'll vote for me and support Theresa May.

We want a strong and stable government,

not a coalition of chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn.

# You'll get accountability

# With Conservative delivery

# Make sure this time you get it right

# Vote for Greg Knight. #

This is the final few days of the election campaign,

during which the BBC has without doubt been unashamedly biased

in favour of the party you didn't vote for.

Diane Abbott did what's known as a Theresa May and failed

to turn up for a debate on Woman's Hour because she was ill.

To be fair to her,

she did phone in saying she had a temperature of 5,000.

LAUGHTER

A senior Labour source has dismissed Corbyn supporters

as a coalition of...

Missing out the most feared of all - the Ringo Starr-linists.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On the last day of the campaign, Theresa May went to the butchers

in the morning, then a home furnishing store,

then went to watch some bowls on the village green.

Sounds like she was trying to get the vote of my Auntie Pat.

On Wednesday, Theresa May visited the Smithfield meat market

where the butchers talked her through various cuts of meat,

and had to explain to Theresa May that Brisket means Brisket.

And a soft Brisket is infinitely preferable to a hard one.

APPLAUSE Thank you.

So, at the end of that round, well, it's a draw - you got two each.

APPLAUSE

Time now for Round Two,

and let's move on from talking about the election to answering

-some quickfire questions about the election.

-Excellent!

Over the course of the campaign,

Theresa May did something 15 more times than Jeremy Corbyn.

-What was it?

-Changed her shoes.

-BELL

-Change her shoes.

-Correct, Paul.

Well done, it was change her shoes.

May wore 15 different pairs of shoes while Corbyn wore...

Well, to be fair, hers were covered in wheat.

Wheat and mud.

So, yeah, just one pair of shoes. That's nothing.

My husband's had the same pants on since the referendum.

In 1975.

What did Ruth Davidson say about Theresa May that's quite hard

to believe?

-BELL

-She's a laugh.

Indeed, yes. No, she did. She told The Sunday Times...

Knock-knock. Who's there? Theresa May.

Only joking, it's Amber Rudd!

LAUGHTER

Fingers back on buzzers.

What did Jacob Rees-Mogg do for the first time this election?

-BUZZER

-He went to a tattoo parlour.

He did. With his son.

Your chance to have Gladstone imprinted on your chest?

But there was a poster in the window saying that the Tories were

rubbish and scum and all that,

so he chose not to go in but had his photograph taken outside.

Whether that's the answer to the question or not,

-I want points for that cos that was good.

-You're so demanding.

-No, it's the wrong answer.

-But it is true, it did happen.

-Yes.

-He took his family campaigning. And they all look like...well, him.

He joined Instagram.

ROSS LAUGHS Yes.

He's only just got the wireless!

I'm laughing along - "Instagram"! Ha-ha! What's that?

It's where you...

If you're at a party,

somebody turns up dressed as powdered soup and strips.

LAUGHTER

-Sounds terrific!

-It's good.

I thought I was the only one that went to those sort of parties.

Did you see...

My favourite bit of the election coverage last night on the BBC

was where he was being interviewed and this bloke was just...

The timing was perfect.

A fella just walked in behind and just started dismantling the set.

And Rees-Mogg's there going,

"Well, obviously, it was..." And this fella's just like this,

like Morecambe and Wise, in the background. It was perfect.

And what is not allowed to exceed four inches

-during an election campaign?

-Oh, God, come on. Come on.

-Everyone knows that.

-What is not allowed to exceed four inches

-during an election campaign?

-The type size of the word "Tory".

"Labour".

"Ukip".

Something that when you're campaigning you wear.

-Rosette.

-Yes, absolutely.

Well, how do the Monster Ravings get round that, then?

Unbelievable.

The amount of work I've done for them. Shocking.

What did we find out is older than 11 members of the previous cabinet?

Jeremy Corbyn's shoes?

-His beard.

-Yes, his beard, absolutely.

He grew it straight after he dumped Diane Abbott, apparently,

but unfortunately she still recognised him.

What was particularly unusual about Diane Abbott's election leaflet?

It said, "Vote Tory"?

No, it was partly printed in Norwegian.

LAUGHTER

Now, Jeremy Corbyn was asked what he thought of his critics.

Do you know how he replied?

-BUZZER

-I don't believe in personal abuse.

Erm... Shall we have a look? And you can see how close you are.

There are cynics who calculate these things in politics who say,

"Well, Labour said this, Tories said that, you know,

"Nye, nye, nye, nye, nye, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh."

APPLAUSE

And finally in this round, have a look at this picture and tell me

which one of these microphones hits Boris Johnson in the face.

BUZZER

-No, you've all got to pick one, OK?

-I'll go for the biggest blue one.

-ALAN:

-I'll go for the red one.

-I'll go for the one that says "ORF".

-I'll go for that black one on the end there, on the left.

-OK.

-Shall we have a look?

-Yeah.

The people voted by a convincing majority...

-ALAN:

-Red one's moving up.

-Go on! Come on, blue!

-Go on, blue, go on, blue! Come on!

-Go on, red!

Go on, son, take it up, son! Blue, blue, blue!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

That was my favourite moment of the campaign.

Boris Johnson turned to the camera and said to someone,

"Can you actually imagine Diane Abbott being Home Secretary?"

Says Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson!

LAUGHTER

Which means, at the end of this round, Ian and Ross have 4

and Paul and Alan have 6.

APPLAUSE

OK, time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication

House of Commons New Members' Guidebook,

which is given to all new MPs.

And we start with...

Is it, "Please do not resign as Prime Minister"?

Do not order envelopes.

I think, Paul, you're the nearest there. It's...

I always thought they got their stationary when the Speaker shouted,

"Order, order!"

LAUGHTER

-Sorry, Ian.

-No, it's good.

-Was it?

-No.

Yeah, look, Alan was writing it down.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, and the next one...

Is it by "having passionate sex on the central reservation of the A52?"

It is, well done! No, it's not, it's not.

-Is it by using a hairdryer? Pointing a hairdryer.

-Absolutely.

This is Jean Brooks, who's become an unlikely star after she was spotted

standing in her front garden using her hairdryer as a false speed gun.

Let's have a look at her in action.

LAUGHTER

-ROSS:

-The only thing here, though, what she's not fully thought through

is that just looks like she's got a gun.

-She's got sunburn, too.

-Yeah.

-Mmm.

-Over that tattoo.

What does that say? "I love safety".

LAUGHTER

OK, next one.

-ROSS:

-Cheesy Wotsit lookalike.

Covfefe of the Year.

It's actually...

A reporter this week tweeted the champions board at one of the

Trump National Golf Clubs. Let's have a look.

Oh, well, that's not rigged, then(!)

Also this week, Vladimir Putin was interviewed by American

news anchor Megyn Kelly, who said...

No, Megyn, don't tell him about your family!

Next...

Oh, is this from the Members' Handbook, Alan?

Yeah, it's whenever you're going to mention them in a speech.

What about if you're going to use part of their speech and pass it off...?

LAUGHTER

That's only Amber Rudd who's ever done...known to do that.

-He's so hurt.

-Aw!

Yeah, actually, the correct wording is...

The guide also gives a list of catering outlets and bars

where you can enjoy...

What, no elevenses?!

Next...

-ALAN:

-Photograph of The Beatles.

He's the one on rhythm guitar, apparently.

-ROSS:

-It's in the snow, wasn't it?

-It was.

-On a mountain.

-Yeah...

A Beatles' fan has spotted John Lennon's face in

a snowy arctic mountain near the North Pole. Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

That's very, very good.

Supposed to "imagine".

Yay!

It's supposed to look like the front cover of Sgt Pepper.

And just a bit higher up, it looks exactly like the White Album.

Next...

-ALAN:

-Expose your genitals.

Or your "supporters" as it's sometimes known.

That's bowing to the Speaker's chair, isn't it, when you leave.

-You see them do it. Yeah, bowing.

-That's right...

It's an old-fashioned tradition,

although there are some modern elements to the House of Commons.

For instance, for the last eight years they've had

a compact miniature Speaker.

LAUGHTER

Size shaming!

Well, why not?

LAUGHTER

Next...

Under Boris Johnson.

We aim to have you sworn in.

Yes, it's pretty much what you said.

But the wording is "up and running".

Up and running in a week - just one of many reasons why I'm not an MP.

Next...

Meeting Scotsman in pub for a joke.

-Erm, football - playing football.

-Football.

-It is...

-Oh!

-Let's have a look.

'Woohoo! Congratulations!'

She's good!

She's very good on the cross.

LAUGHTER

Erm, that was spotted at a festival in Limerick.

There has to be a limerick about a nun and a policeman, surely?

There once was a copper from Cork Who pestered a nun with a fork...

To his surprise, it went in his eyes...

And...there was residue of some pork.

LAUGHTER

What about, he was heard to utter, "I'd like it with butter,"

-but unfortunately they could only find Stork.

-Yes!

-Ooh!

-It's very good!

APPLAUSE

And lastly...

Eyebrow!

-"I invented the eyebrow!"

-No, it was in fact the Magnum.

-It was the Magnum ice cream.

-Apparently so...

He wanted a choc ice with vanilla ice cream in it

that he could have a stick, and then he, he, apparently...

he spoke to somebody and they did some sort of prototype...

He must have got Q to do it for him.

It would've have been quite an easy job for Q, really,

-just to stick a stick into a bloody choc ice!

-Can I just say?

The country's falling apart, there's no-one leading it,

we're into an age of instability, there's the EU elections coming up,

and all you can talk about is flaming choc ices and sticks.

No, a flaming choc ice wouldn't work, Alan, no.

LAUGHTER

That's why, you know, in the end, you had to go.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to know the final scores?

Put it this way - if we've lost, we'll still claim a victory,

-cos that seems to be...

-APPLAUSE

..seems to be the way that it's going.

That's right, claim your victory, then,

because Ian and Ross have 8, and Paul and Alan have 9.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Ross Noble, Paul Merton and Alan Johnson,

and I leave you with news that on the campaign trail,

Tim Farron's day helping out in an IVF clinic doesn't go that well.

LAUGHTER

In Somerset, after steering his MP to victory,

Jacob Rees-Mogg's campaign manager heads for home.

LAUGHTER

After losing 21 seats in the snap election,

Nicola Sturgeon gets ready for her first meeting with Theresa May.

LAUGHTER

To cap an almost perfect week,

Jeremy Corbyn's car runs over Laura Kuenssberg's foot.

LAUGHTER

And in London, as Theresa May's car pulls up outside her house,

one resident decides she'll pretend to be out.

LAUGHTER

Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It turns out, apparently, that Paul didn't say the thing

about Amber Rudd, it was Ian.

What?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What?!

What?!

You are exposed.

That is the first joke I have written since 1988!

Apparently they're only joking.

He's good, ain't he?

If they're looking for a career in comedy, I'll have a word with them!