Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Adil Ray. In the news this week, in Surrey,

one man reluctantly heeds the call to serve the nation

in Theresa May's government...

As the Mayor of Watford drives into work,

he's berated by an angry resident

who's been campaigning against badly-placed street signage...

..and footage has emerged from Pippa Middleton's wedding

which reveals that it was unwise of her to sneak away

from the reception for a quiet lie down.

On Ian's team tonight is a very funny comedian -

but more importantly, he's another non-white face.

Well, it's the end of the series

and the show was a bit down on its diversity quotas.

Please welcome Phil Wang.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight, a Labour MP who said after last week's election,

it's clear the Tories are the losers -

and they were. Except in terms of vote share,

number of seats and who won the election.

Please welcome Angela Eagle, MP.

APPLAUSE

And we start with Ian and Phil. Take a look at this.

Oh, that's Theresa May, leaving the country.

-That's the head of the Unionists.

-Michael Gove, out of the doghouse.

Yeah. And back in again.

Jeremy Corbyn, having his cake and eating it.

-This must be the humiliating victory of the Tories.

-Mm-hm.

-Um...

Who, I believe, are still in power,

but by the time of the repeat, they probably aren't.

They're trying to stitch up a deal.

Or form a coalition, as I think it's formally known.

It's quite a complex process.

You go in with a big bag of money and you say, "Would you like it?"

and they say, "No, we'd like some more."

Er...and this takes days. But it may well be over.

-Is it over?

-No, it's not over.

-It's not over? Good.

-They've said it's an ongoing thing,

they've set the date of the Queen's Speech.

Meanwhile, the DUP, who, let's face it,

are the Wahhabists of Protestantism.

-I mean, imagine...

-Is that right, is that factually correct?

Yeah, that's absolutely correct.

Well, we've been looking in the wrong places all this time!

Listen, imagine...

I mean, I am your average socially liberal, lesbian, feminist,

vegetarian humanist, who's in a civil partnership with a Catholic,

and, obviously, I'm looking forward to this DUP alliance

with a great deal of...

-PHIL:

-This is just Theresa May's just desperate

to keep the government going, regardless.

It's like she's got a broken car, but instead of fixing the car,

she's just pushed the car over a cliff, with her in it,

and she's going, "See, it's still moving,

"it's technically still moving."

They're not the only ones who tried to do a deal with the DUP, are they?

I mean, Labour had a bit of a go.

-Gordon Brown was quite keen.

-We had a little word...

-You had a little word, didn't you?

-..but the arithmetic, it was wrong.

I'm just checking there's no humbug involved in this.

-The Queen's Speech has been delayed.

-ANGELA:

-Two days.

-For the first time in history.

-Yes. And the Queen's going to miss Ascot.

-Oh, no!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Exactly. Proper sympathy at this time.

She was favourite to win the 3:30 on Wednesday.

You know, they're going to have to ditch so much of the manifesto,

I don't think the Queen's Speech is going to last very long.

It will just be about her royal visits this year.

-Which ones are they?

-Well, Trump's not coming any more, is he?

CHEERING

No, I think he should come. It's spoiling our fun.

The world's clown should come and see us.

We can laugh as much as anybody else.

Now, whatever the deal is,

we mustn't call it a coalition, apparently.

-Why is that?

-Well, the Tories said that if people didn't vote for them,

there would be a coalition of chaos.

And alliteration is one of the things

you've really got to watch out for.

Well, the idea of calling it a coalition,

it upset one Tory MP by the name of Robert Syms,

as you can see from this Twitter exchange.

This is from youlittlequilt on Twitter...

..and here's Robert Syms' reply.

-OK, and talking of leaders.

-Yes.

-So, Arlene Foster.

-Yes.

-Look familiar to anyone?

Yes, I've had to take legal proceedings, in fact,

because in the current issue of Private Eye,

they've compared the leader of the DUP

to a much-beloved family entertainer.

Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

There's very little similarity, and it's barely libellous.

PAUL LAUGHS

-I sued you once.

-Did you? Did you win?

-Yeah.

As though I didn't know!

Was the settlement a year's subscription to Private Eye?

Just to keep my eye, that they didn't repeat it.

Put us out of our misery - which is which?

It's the one on the very, very right.

So, what are the things we know about the DUP?

They're against evolution.

They're biblical literalists.

-One of their early slogans, "Save Ulster from sodomy."

-Yep.

It's no worse than "strong and stable", come on.

Helpfully, someone on Twitter called Pearly Queen tweeted this...

APPLAUSE

Yes, the DUP are very conservative...

I mean, the Pope's anti-abortion and anti-gay sex, isn't he?

I mean, it's not as though there's no-one else

on the religious spectrum who believes this stuff, is there?

The current Pope's a cool Pope, isn't he? He's the cool Pope.

He's the cool Pope with the...

-the same views.

-Oh, OK. All right.

-He's just got sunglasses on, or something.

-Yeah.

These guys are more religious than the Pope, I think.

They strike me as more religious than the Pope.

Now, that IS libellous.

You mustn't forget that the DUP have been elected,

and they're not completely anti-fun.

Would you like to see the DUP's joyful celebrations

at last year's party conference?

-Yeah!

-I've seen this.

-Thought you might.

-Go on, then!

Let's have a look.

ALL: ..Arlene's on fire

# Ooh!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

# Na, na, na, na, na

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

# Na, na, na, na, na

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

# Na, na, na, na, na... #

Thank God we only have to sing The Red Flag

at the end of the Labour Party...

DUP is actually the noise you make when you Google the DUP.

"Dup! Ugh, God."

Theresa May has learned her lesson

about how she presents herself, hasn't she?

She wouldn't do that slightly annoying thing

of not answering a question

and just repeating the same phrases over and over.

-Would she?

-No.

I'm pleased that people from across the party

have agreed to serve in my Cabinet

and we're going to be getting on with the job of government.

A cabinet that will get on with the job of government.

Bringing that talent together

to ensure that we can get on with the job.

But what I'm doing now is actually getting on with the immediate job.

-INTERVIEWER:

-How are you feeling?

I imagine you're feeling rather shell-shocked.

What I'm feeling is that, actually, there is a job to be done,

and I think what the public want

is to ensure that the government is getting on with that job.

This is a government getting on with the job.

It's kind of sad no-one's turned up to her dinner party, though.

There was a very strange word in there, did you see that?

She said "talent".

How desperate are you when you reappoint Michael Gove?

Did you see what Tom Watson said?

Is this the deputy leader of the Labour Party?

That Tom Watson, yes.

Tom Watson alleges Gove was brought back

on Rupert Murdoch's instructions.

He's written a formal letter to Theresa May, saying...

Well, Gove was writing for The Times -

and, you know, if you owned the paper,

you'd be desperate to get rid of him.

APPLAUSE

-Is that a professional editor's view you're giving us, there?

-Yeah.

The number of people I've put into the Cabinet...

Bloody hell!

He sent him... Tom Watson sent a letter?

-Yes.

-Politicians must be the only people writing letters still.

Is that why stuff takes so long to get done?

-Can they not just e-mail?

-No, it has to be written on vellum.

-What is vellum?

-Vellum? It's goat's skin.

It's like very, very classy Basildon Bond notepaper.

-OK, you've confused me more now.

-Yeah!

It's like Snapchat with animal skin.

APPLAUSE

Let's see what Jacob Rees-Mogg has to say.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Let's have the view from 1785.

I think you are classically overstating what has in fact happened.

The Prime Minister goes into an election

looking for a major mandate for the biggest constitutional change...

-Hold on...

-..in recent history...

-..and you call it a shambles,

you say that it's a butcher's slaughterhouse.

-This seems to me an extraordinary...

-You used that phrase, not me.

No, that's what "a shambles" means. I'm surprised you don't know.

Um...

-PHIL:

-Jacob Rees-Mogg is like a child's drawing of a Tory.

Boris Johnson -

he's, of course, delighted with Michael Gove's return.

Did you see what he said?

-Was it not true?

-Well, he tweeted...

Which is Boris speak for, "I hope you die."

So, Angela, you're a big fan of Boris, aren't you?

-Great fan of Boris.

-Yes.

Well, let's have a look at Angela assessing his credentials

just after the referendum campaign.

Oh, Boris is fun, he's great, isn't he? Bouncing around,

sort of going to be the next Prime Minister, and all of that -

and they never actually put him...

They've just made him Foreign Secretary?

APPLAUSE

No!

I thought there might be lip-readers in the audience.

I was going to ask you that. What did you say when you turned round?

It's unrepeatable on a family show.

So, we saw Theresa May saying she's getting on with her job -

what else does she have to do to convince voters?

Oh, she had to sack her advisers.

This was a London resident.

Let's take a look.

Theresa May said on the steps of Downing Street

when she became Prime Minister, she talked about the underprivileged,

those who had a sense of burning injustice.

Has Theresa May ever been to Aldi? Has she ever been Lidl?

In her life. Let's be real.

If she can tell me what Lidl looks like from the inside,

I'll listen to what Theresa May's got to say.

APPLAUSE

I think it's a fair point. Angela, have you been inside Lidl?

-Yep.

-Can you tell us what it looks like?

Well, it's a supermarket.

But what kind of supermarket?

-Tell us.

-Well, it's a kind of Italian...

-Isn't it Italian or Spanish?

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-I think it's German, isn't it?

-German, a German supermarket.

-PHIL:

-I think if I saw Theresa May in Lidl,

I'd feel less confident about the country.

APPLAUSE

Looking at the whole Conservative election campaign,

was it a debacle, a catostrophe... a catastrophe or a shambles?

-A "catostrophe"!

-"Catostrophe."

-There was a lot of tossers involved.

-All of those things.

-All of those?

Absolutely all. It was the worst election campaign

I think I've ever seen anybody run.

-What, including yours to challenge Jeremy?

-Thank goodness.

APPLAUSE

-PHIL:

-Sue him, sue him right now!

-ANGELA:

-To be fair, mine didn't last as long as this did.

-No, no.

-You...

-And I didn't have Lynton Crosby's extremely expensive advice.

-No, no, clearly.

-Strong and stable.

But you pulled out well in advance,

so at least it spared us the rest of it.

Listen, all I can say is, I did challenge Jeremy -

but if the price of me being wrong

is to watch Labour MPs and Labour candidates winning

and Tories losing, and to see Theresa May's face at the count,

if that's what I have to do prove that I was wrong,

-then that's a price worth paying.

-Fine.

-But you are admitting that.

-APPLAUSE

So were you thrilled when the exit poll came out?

Did you think, "Yes, Jeremy, you proved me absolutely wrong,

"well done."?

I was thrilled - but I think everybody was astonished.

On all sides.

And I thought, "Well,

"I think I'll get down to the count and see what's going on."

Well, where were you?

Well, normally at the end of an election campaign, you dash home,

because you've been up for 17 hours,

you've knocked on as many doors as you can,

you're absolutely exhausted.

You go home, you have a quick bath.

You get your suit on.

You turn on the telly to see what the exit poll is,

so you can see what the result is actually going to be,

and then you digest that for a bit

and then you go to your own count to see what's happening.

-PHIL:

-How do you have a quick bath?

-ANGELA:

-Well, you have to.

-PHIL:

-Baths take ages.

- If... - The rest I understood,

but the quick bath...

Now, George Osborne, he managed to maintain his smugness

from election night on Thursday

all the way through to the Andrew Marr Show on Sunday.

-Did you see this?

-Yes.

But there is blood in the water, and everyone can smell it.

Oh, yeah. I mean, Theresa May is a dead woman walking.

It's just how long she's going to remain on death row.

Say what you mean, George.

-I mean, you know, don't pull any punches.

-He must be kicking himself,

-though, don't you think?

-If he'd have still been in Parliament...

-Yeah.

-..we'd have had an interesting situation.

He wouldn't have been able to resist.

As it is, he just has to write big headlines,

going, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, May!

"You're useless."

But then - you know, he might have just slipped in

and become Prime Minister. Imagine.. Oh, God!

Right, OK, it's better.

It's like Alien versus Predator. You don't want anyone to win,

but it's nice to watch them go at each other.

How have the Europeans reacted

to the confusion and uncertainty in Britain?

Hasn't Macron offered to let us back in?

He said, "You can just drop it, just drop it all now.

"We all feel so sorry for you".

We'll have to wait and see

what this strong and stable government we've got,

that's just about to start the Brexit negotiations next week,

is going to do - but let's face it,

she's taken over a week to try to negotiate with ten DUP members...

APPLAUSE

-And they all speak English.

-Yeah!

Did anyone see how Macron tricked Theresa May

-into looking a bit stupid this week?

-Yeah, the Mexican wave thing.

At the France/England game.

-Yeah, he lured her into a Mexican wave.

-Oh.

Let's have a look.

France beat England 3-2 that game,

but Jeremy Corbyn is claiming it as a great victory for England.

Macron did also say to Theresa May that the door is always open.

The dirty devil. She's in the age range, though, isn't she?

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is Theresa May remaining in Number Ten,

with her job being to unite the country.

It's not clear to the Conservatives

how Labour managed to get so many young people to vote for them.

An issue which will be thoroughly examined by the 1922 Committee.

According to The Guardian, at the first meeting of Labour MPs

since the election, Jeremy Corbyn was greeted with cheers,

a 45-second ovation and desk banging...

which no-one in Labour has done

since John Prescott and his secretary.

With an eye to future success,

Jeremy Corbyn has carried out his important reshuffle.

There were few surprises -

although he did move the marrows to a sunnier patch,

plant more tomatoes and scatter some slug pellets.

AUDIENCE MEMBER CHUCKLES LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

Someone from the allotment.

"Jeremy will be back on Tuesday."

-Paul and Angela, take a look at this.

-Yes.

Yes, this is a man with an ear trumpet.

-Fondue.

-Fondue.

-Cheese.

-Cheese.

-Cheese.

Scientists have discovered that cheese can help restore hearing,

that's what the theory is.

So the US Army are testing this by force-feeding some of their troops

Stilton and cheddar to see whether it mitigates the hearing loss

from standing next to those very loud explosions

that you tend to get when you're in the Armed Forces.

-Does it work?

-Don't know, they're testing it!

I think, in practice, they're testing everything, alphabetically.

Now we're on cheese.

Next week, it'll be Dalmatians.

How does cheese cure deafness, what's the...?

Well, has it been certain that it does?

There's some kind of enzyme or some...

thing in cheese that helps.

You're such an expert on this, how do you know all this?

It's... When you've been a minister and a MP for...

-Cheese!

-..so long...

-I was the Minister for Allotments once, actually.

-Were you?

Yeah, but, erm...

You pick up vast amounts of irrelevant information.

Hang on, you were Minister for Allotments?

-Yeah.

-What did that involve doing?

Winning World War II!

So, how does cheese cure deafness?

Cheese contains a chemical compound which seems to protect against

and even reverse the damage to nerve cells in the ear

caused by loud noises, apparently -

but what's the problem with this cure? There is a problem with it.

You have to eat a lot of cheese. A hell of a lot of cheese.

That's absolutely right, you do have to eat a lot of it to do any good.

About five pounds of cheese, in fact.

-A day or an hour?

-Well, you tell me,

you were Minister of Cheese or whatever it was at some point!

But this would suggest no-one in France is deaf.

Which I'm not sure is true.

Now, another politician who used to be interested in cheese

was former Minister for the Environment Secretary,

former Justice Secretary,

now Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Liz Truss.

-Yes.

-Let's remind ourselves.

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE

That speech.

We import two-thirds of our cheese.

That is a disgrace.

APPLAUSE

It's like Morecambe and Wise, I just want it on all the time!

-Now, in other food news...

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, here we go.

What did the recently-deceased Sam Panopoulos do

with pineapple chunks that no-one else had ever thought of doing?

He invented the Hawaiian pizza.

He was working on a cure for deafness...

and he stumbled across... A sensation.

-Hawaiian pizza.

-That's right, yes.

He put them on top of a pizza, thus inventing the Hawaiian -

but it's always wise to check the best-before date on pineapple

before adding it to a Hawaiian pizza,

or you could spend the next day "on a loo-loo".

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Meanwhile, the President of Iceland, Gudni Thorlacious Johannesson,

has voiced a strong opinion about pineapple on pizza.

What has he said?

Well, he clearly doesn't like it,

otherwise it wouldn't be a news story.

So, he said it's an abomination.

The pineapple should never mix with the tomato, they should be separate.

-They're two different things.

-That's right.

Gudni Thorlacious Johannesson, the President of Iceland...

-Thorlacious? We've let that one go through twice now!

-Thorlacious.

Nobody's said a word about that!

Right, one more time - what's his name?

-Gudni...Thor-lack-ious, or Thorlacious, I don't know...

-Yeah.

-..Johannesson...

-Would have thought pineapple chunks

would be the last thing that worries him.

-According to the Telegraph...

-Yeah.

-..he said he was...

..and would ban it...

-There's more food news.

-Yeah.

-This is getting even better.

Why are croissants under threat in France?

AUDIENCE MURMURS

-Genuine worry from the audience!

-Yeah!

-Gasps from the audience.

-"Our croissants!"

Well, the rising price of butter,

which makes up 25% of the ingredients,

means the cost of making a croissant has nearly doubled in the past year.

For a bonus point, on Have I Got Middle Class News For You,

how do you know if the croissant you're eating

is made with butter or not?

It says on the pack.

If you drop it and it goes on...

If it falls... Wait...

-If it lands on either side, it's butter...

-Yeah.

If it's got no butter, it'll just hover...

-Like...

-LAUGHTER

If you get a sunflower and hold it underneath the croissant's chin...

you can tell whether it's got any butter in it.

In France, only croissants made with butter can be straight in shape.

Croissants made with margarine are usually crescent shaped -

and the reason for that

is a whole different but equally fascinating story.

Let's move on.

We'll have to wait for the film to come out for that one.

This is the news that cheese may improve your hearing.

As part of the experiment, American soldiers are going to be supplied

with large chunks of Parmesan.

That's one way to make America GRATE again.

APPLAUSE

Also this week, the inventor of the Hawaiian pizza has died.

It was a very emotionally-charged funeral.

Papa John was crying his eyes out and, as always,

Sloppy Giuseppe was a complete mess.

So, at that end of that round, the scores are...

Paul and Angela have 2, and Ian and Phil have 2.

Yay!

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is Donald Trump's Cabinet meeting

in which he's instructed them all to praise him,

one by one, and say what a great job he's doing.

It's the eeriest thing you've ever seen.

It's really gross.

Let's have a look.

Mr President, er, I... A privilege to be here.

Deeply honoured and I want to thank you for keeping your commitment

to the American workers.

I want to thank you for getting this country moving...

again and also working again.

We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing

that you've given us, to serve your agenda.

Thank you, Mr President.

It was a great honour, travelling with you around the country

for the last year and an even greater honour to be here

serving in your cabinet.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It's like everyone's made Donald cry at his birthday party

and the parents have forced them to sit down and say sorry.

Do you think they're watching that in North Korea going,

"Oh, that's a bit sycophantic"?

Well, in response to this, what did Democrat Chuck Schumer do?

Chucked.

-Chucked, yeah!

-I dunno...

He wasn't very happy.

Perhaps he sort of tweeted his own support of Donald Trump

in a special way.

-He did his own version of that meeting...

-Oh, yes.

..with his own group of people. Let's have a look.

I want to thank everybody for coming,

I just thought we'd go around the room.

Lucy, how'd we do on the Sunday Show yesterday?

Your tone was perfect. You were right on message.

Michelle, how'd my hair look coming out of the gym this morning?

You have great hair. Nobody has better hair than you.

Before we go any further, I just want to say thank you

for the opportunity and blessing to serve your agenda.

THEY LAUGH

I was wondering when they'd crack. Very funny.

Nobody tell the Prime Minister

that that's how you run Cabinet meetings...

Yes, this is the news that President Trump has been confirmed as great

after his Cabinet ministers were individually invited

to sing his praises - but during this, the first full Cabinet meeting

since he took office,

who offered President Trump the most effusive praise?

-Steve Bannon?

-No.

-No, not him.

-Anybody else?

-No?

-Rex Tillerson?

-No.

-Comey?

-His wife.

-Someone a bit more close to home.

-His daughter. His son-in-law.

-Ivanka.

Closer than that.

-His wife, his daughter...

-Closer.

-Himself.

-Yes, himself.

He said - this is what he said, he said...

He can't do a whole sentence without lying, can he?!

Yes - so, since Trump's been president,

how much major legislation has been passed by Congress?

-Nothing.

-No.

-Correct.

-Nothing.

It's not been great so far, has it?

-It's almost as if he's a bad president.

-Oh...!

What's been the latest development

in the Russia enquiry regarding Trump?

They're getting closer!

Step-by-step, the whiff of Trump is in the air.

As his minions are slowly pushed aside,

they will find one very sad fuckwit on a golden throne.

Crying at images of himself

as he realises the world has completely misunderstood him.

That's exactly the right answer, well done!

APPLAUSE

That's what's going to happen.

They're now investigating him for the cover-up

rather than the actual Russian influence,

and he's tweeting about it in a very angry mood very late at night.

-Which is Watergate all over, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's Watergate.

Covering up the cover-up.

-Get them for the cover-up, not the actual...

-Yeah.

-Donald Trump is to be probed...

-Yes.

-..for...

-I hope they have a running start, whoever does it!

Hundred yards.

..for obstruction of justice, is what they call it.

Finally, yet another leader of a country

has been openly mocking Donald Trump.

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull - what's he been doing?

He did a sort of impression of him,

but he didn't know he was being filmed.

He did an impression of Donald Trump and everyone laughed

-and now he's in trouble.

-Yes.

-Kind of.

He did an impression of the summit -

but he did it at a meeting full of journalists...

Suggests he hasn't been Prime Minister very long.

Or he's very proud of his impression.

-Indeed, yeah.

-Wants to get it out there.

-Shall we take a look?

-Yeah, go on, then.

You see, that's a straightforward libel.

Yes, this is another event-filled week for Donald Trump

and his family. According to The Sun,

Donald Trump convened a meeting in which...

It's what's commonly known in the White House as orange-nosing.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is a wildlife documentary.

This is an iguana running away from snakes

and it was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage

and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends,

days, forever trying to get this stuff,

and somebody complained because there's a cutaway to another iguana,

a sort of close-up thing and they said this is cheating somehow,

as if you can make an iguana...

"Sorry, love, we missed that, can we do it again?"

So, I don't understand why people are confused

about how films are made.

-There was a stunt double iguana, is that what...?

-No.

-Oh.

-There wasn't.

-Oh, OK.

That's why I didn't use the words "stunt double iguana".

It was one iguana filmed being chased by snakes

and then they had perhaps a close-up of an iguana looking happy

and that was another iguana - but it was one iguana...

LAUGHTER

Am I the only one that finds this incredibly simple to understand?

We've got an iguana now, but that one's not the same one!

Bin it!

How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana?

Well, because - I don't know,

maybe it had a hat on or something, I don't know.

"Up the Gunners", I don't know. He had a badge, I don't know.

Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?

-No, I think it was a protest registered by the snakes.

-Yeah.

Because they're shown in this film to be incompetent.

-Very poor light.

-There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana

and they're so useless, they don't get anywhere near him,

and the iguana escapes -

and I think they protested, saying it's rigged.

The footage is completely faked, we won the encounter...

..and David Attenborough really should just resign.

-Can we see the footage? It's so good.

-It's great.

I mean, it's a fantastic piece of film.

You want to see the fakery row,

the scene involving the lizard and the snake?

-Yeah.

-OK, let's have a look.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd like to say I'm proud of the part I unconsciously played

in the set-up of that joke.

Now, it won the Must-See Moment at last year's Baftas -

what did it beat?

It beat Ed Balls' dancing.

Yes, now, that was faked cos he had magnets on his feet

and there was somebody underneath the floor moving them like that...

That's right, it was Ed Balls' Gangnam Style dance.

Now, this is probably going to annoy Paul even more -

but this isn't the first time the BBC's been accused

of faking footage. Frozen Planet showed footage

of newborn polar bears which turned out to be in an animal park.

You know the Teletubbies aren't real?

There's tiny versions of the same thing inside the costumes.

-They weren't tall enough for telly.

-Now you're just being silly.

-Exactly.

-I'm sorry, they are real.

You were doing so well up until that point.

I know, I just lost it, I got angry, I started lashing out.

Angela, have you got a view?

I think they should say which scenes are filmed in animal parks.

-For transparency purposes.

-Right.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

But how... How does that work?

Will they have a subtitle saying, "This is in a zoo," or...?

- They do it... - Would David Attenborough come in

and go, "This next bit's rubbish"?

This is the shock news that the iguana versus snake scene

in Planet Earth II might have been faked.

I don't see what all the fuss is about

with the BBC filming several iguanas -

I mean, they've used at least two

different Attenboroughs over the years

and no-one's ever complained.

Which means, at the end of this round,

-it's 3 points to Paul and Angela...

-Oh, yes.

..and 3 points to Ian and Phil.

-Very good.

-APPLAUSE

Time, now, for the Odd One Out round.

Your four are...

The spire of St Mary's in Chesterfield...

a moon of Saturn...

the wonky phone box of Bettws...

and the zero on the door of No 10.

Well, I think they're all out of alignment.

They're all a bit wonky.

It's hard to tell with the moon.

It's always hard to tell when a sphere is on its side...

..but maybe its axis of rotation is not...

-Yeah, I think it's...like that.

-Yeah.

It's not parallel to the floor... of space.

-That's very technical.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. No, quite right.

Are they all leaning - and the zero...

is that not...

-Is that on its side, as well?

-It's actually an O?

Well, there's a "U", and it's dropped off.

It's Britain's deficit.

Well, they all started off straight,

and then went wonky,

except the zero on the No 10 door, which has always been wonky.

Oh!

The wonky box of Bettws is a dilapidated red phone box

near Abergavenny, which has just been given £3,000 of lottery money

to be stood upright and restored.

What is the restored telephone box going to be used for?

Calling people?

Putting cards for massage parlours in.

Residents say it will be...

It'll also house a defibrillator,

for use by visitors when they discover

a public library still exists.

The orbit of Saturn's moon Enceladus is wonky,

but is believed to have once been straight.

For a bonus point, can anyone name any of Saturn's other moons?

-Titan.

-Yes, Titan is one.

Europa?

No, that's a football league.

Ban Ki-moon?

APPLAUSE

..and you can also find those names on a register

at any Islington nursery.

Now, the Chesterfield church is best known for having a twisted spire.

Common folklore suggests that the spire was twisted by...

Now, does anyone know why the zero on the door of No 10 Downing Street

has always sloped 37 degrees to the left?

Is it BBC bias?

Was it an unexpected virgin turned up...?

Well, the zero was painted on in the 1960s

in the standard Trajan font used by the Ministry of Works

-at the time.

-Wrong font.

Yes, the answer is, they all started off straight, and then went wonky,

except the zero on the No 10 door,

which has always been wonky.

Nasa scientists have recently come up with an explanation

as to why one of Saturn's moons is wonky.

They think the moon was hit by an asteroid that made the rotation...

..which is a shame, as it started out strong and stable.

A football club in Argentina

has been ordered to fix the wonky pitch they have been playing

on for almost 30 years. Here it is.

The world of football hasn't seen something this crooked

since Sepp Blatter.

Which means, at the end of this round,

it's 3 points to Ian and Phil,

and 5 to Paul and Angela.

-APPLAUSE

-Doing well.

No, we got that right...

-Didn't we?

-I think so.

Time now for the Missing Words round which, this week,

features as its guest publication Toastmaster,

the magazine for public speakers.

We start with...

-PHIL:

-Elections.

APPLAUSE

The answer is...

-Let's take a look.

-Yeah.

That's horrible.

I got one of them for Christmas.

Next...

"I am a failure."

"We used more than one iguana."

-ANGELA:

-"Strong and stable."

-Yeah.

"Hi, I'm Michael Gove."

Well, the answer is...

Next...

-PHIL:

-Diced bread?

Sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread, apparently.

Yes, that's true.

Scientists have conclusively proved there's no difference

between white and brown -

but you try telling that to Ukip.

Next...

-PHIL:

-..humans that the dogs can keep as pets.

No, the answer is...

-ANGELA:

-Of course(!)

-This is a new designer doghouse

that costs up to £150,000.

There are various models on offer, including this Roman one.

What?!

Which, as you can see, has four outside urinals.

Next...

-ANGELA:

-..is going to be taken over by Theresa May

to pay for his social care, cos he's getting on a bit.

He's given her an E-I-E-IOU.

-RAGGED CHEER

-Thank you very much!

Old Macdonald's Farm never really existed,

it's a children's nursery rhyme.

The answer - I'm afraid none of that is true - it's...

-Oh!

-The Daily Mail says the original song is out of date,

and modern farmers now use drones and...

Hope they don't do that while they're using drones,

or the shit could really hit the fan.

Next...

-PHIL:

-..pronounced "quinoa", not "quin-ower".

..impossible to talk while up to your eyes in barbiturates.

Unless you know differently, of course!

The answer...

Next up...

Is it Melania?

-It's the Mysterious Fish, is the weirdest mascot ever seen.

-Oh.

A Japanese baseball team this week unveiled their new mascot.

Let's have a look at it.

APPLAUSE

And finally...

-PHIL:

-A slightly smaller hedge.

Basil Brush.

-We'll get there eventually.

-Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

-We'll get there. You just keep going.

-Fruitjuice Fruitjuice-Barley.

No, bit more.

It's a person related to her.

-Her husband?

-Oh, close, I'll give you it.

It's her son's face.

Let's have a look at her son.

-Yeah, that's fair enough.

-Yeah, and now let's have a look at her hedge.

I think that's pretty good.

The hedges were sculpted by Michelle Foley,

who created likenesses of her partner, Andrew,

and her 21-year-old son, Brennan.

According to The Sun...

Draw your curtains, mate!

So, the final scores are...

It's 4 points to Ian and Phil

-and 5 to Paul and Angela.

-Well done, well done.

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Angela Eagle -

and I leave you with news that at a secret research lab,

as two Government visitors

are shown a new deadly and completely undetectable poison,

they're both struck by the same tempting thought...

After Tim Farron's resignation leaves a vacancy

at the top of the party,

the Lib Dems' most qualified candidate puts themselves forward...

And, having been praised effusively by his Cabinet,

Donald Trump fails to receive similar respect

from his motorcycle escort.

APPLAUSE

Good night.

APPLAUSE