Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong.

In the news this week - after his team of Polish workmen is forced to

leave the UK, Nigel Farage employs a British builder to continue

the renovation of his second home.

LAUGHTER

As his United Airlines flight takes off without him, a doctor is further

enraged when he sees who he had to give his seat up for.

LAUGHTER

And after a £400 million dip in his personal fortune,

Sir Philip Green launches a new high-street venture

to recoup his losses.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says one tip for when

a joke falls flat is to pretend it wasn't a joke.

Which brings this straightforward paragraph to an end.

Please welcome Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight, a comedian whose first novel is about

a national treasure who descends into disgrace and depravity.

Please welcome current national treasure, Andy Hamilton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Sara, take a look at this.

-SARA:

-That's the polite way to meet your Tinder date.

This is a themed restaurant. They've thrown all the food around,

so it costs a lot of money. And he's seen the bill.

And he's had a fit.

This is Mrs May's dinner with President Juncker.

It all went horribly wrong. They argued. It went badly and then

he leaked it all to a German newspaper and said

it had been a disastrous meeting, she was in another galaxy.

-SLURRING:

-And he's never liked her anyway.

We've all had that thing, "Come round, we're talk about work.

"I'll cook you something to eat."

He went round her house, they didn't do any work, did they?

So, have a glass of wine and then chat, chat, chat.

"Who do you think should win season nine of RuPaul?"

And then, "Shit, we were supposed to talk about that Brexit!

"OK, I'll just leak that you were a bitch.

"We'll talk about it again in a month."

That's the age-old maxim, isn't it? If in doubt, attack strangers.

LAUGHTER

And they're foreigners, lots of different nationalities,

so it doesn't look racist.

LAUGHTER

So it turns out leaving the EU

is actually going to be quite complicated after all.

-Does it mean war?

-Yes. That's what she said, wasn't it?

-Yeah, it's war now.

-Yeah.

-We're moving quickly, aren't we?

-We've declared war against the rest of Europe.

-We're being threatened.

You go into a negotiation in which Mr Juncker's position is,

"This cannot be a success."

He's a difficult piece of work, Mr Juncker.

-You don't like him, do you?

-I don't, really.

I mean, a lot of people tried to stop him becoming president,

because he'd run Luxembourg, which is an enormous, sort of,

tax haven and money-laundering outfit,

which he ran for a number of years and did nothing about it.

So he's not a great guy.

-What has been Theresa May's comeback been?

-She's gone quite nuclear.

-Initially...

-Let's fight everybody.

-Yeah, initially she said,

"Oh, it's just Brussels gossip.

"It's just tittle-tattle, I don't worry about that."

But then she came out and sort of said,

"Let's attack the Death Star..."

-LAUGHTER

-"..from 10 Downing Street."

It's odd because that's a ruse

that is usually used by politicians when the polls are close.

I don't know quite why she's doing it now,

given that she's so far ahead in the polls at the moment.

I can't envisage any circumstances in which she could lose,

unless something extraordinary happens.

Like, I don't know, photos emerge of her digging up

the Queen Mother for a laugh or something.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what? Even then, she would probably beat Corbyn anyway.

So...we've got five weeks of this.

-Yeah.

-And she's gone in...

-How many graves has she robbed in that time?

We must be told.

I'm sure that we're going to get a lot of briefing that says,

"Oh, Theresa May, you know, she was really tough with them,"

there will be lots of leaks of people saying,

"She pushed Barnier against the wall and said, 'You're a big man,

"'but you're out of condition.'"

She waved the Queen Mother's hat in our face.

LAUGHTER

"There's plenty more where this comes from."

What was President Hollande's

reaction to the tough stance by the EU?

-President Hollande?

-He said...

Sometimes you need a bit of help, though, don't you?

Who would have thought that saying "Fuck you" to the rest of Europe

-would have such complications?

-Mm.

Theresa May used to be known as The Submarine.

Do we know why that was?

What do you mean, "She used to be known as The Submarine"?

-That was her nickname.

-Where?

-Was this at school?

-Because you never saw her.

-Stealth.

She was never visible,

but underneath the surface, she was up to stuff.

In the Thames?

LAUGHTER

What is she doing down there?!

She would only surface to make considered public statements.

-That's what submarines do.

-That is... Yeah.

"I'm drowning," and then back down again.

Theresa May warned her EU adversaries

that they would find out that she was...

Or as the French would say, a woman.

This is very similar...

I bought a house with a guy and then broke up with him.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-No, it's all right.

-I'm not really.

LAUGHTER

Now's your chance, Ian - move in, now!

But the roof on that house needs fixing and I have to pay for it

cos when you buy a house, even if you've left it,

you're still legally responsible.

It's very similar to this EU situation.

-Have you leaked stuff about him?

-This is it! This is me leaking!

What, once we have left the EU, might we see once again

on our dinner tables?

Very little.

LAUGHTER

It is knobbly vegetables.

-Knobbly ones?

-Knobbly vegetables, like this!

Oh-ho! LAUGHTER

-Can we just see the first one again?

-Yes, the carrot.

That was in that film, Arrival.

Oh, yeah! I thought you were talking about Michael Fassbender.

But you mean Arrival. That's such a good film.

-It's a good film, isn't it?

-Can I have a look at the tomato?

-Because that's the only one that bothered to have pubic hair.

-Yeah.

There we are.

Making an effort!

Weren't all those vegetables on That's Life 30 years ago?

-They used to have...

-Two of them presented it.

Yes, this is the Downing Street dinner party,

which turned nasty as soon as they started discussing Brexit.

So, just like any other dinner party.

According to the Times, the atmosphere at the dinner changed

when Theresa May referred to...

Yeah, that's when I know my wife's had too much!

During the dinner, Theresa May suggested

that citizens' rights in Europe...

The end of June?! You couldn't leave TalkTalk by the end of June!

According to the Financial Times...

Which is one Euro for every man, woman and child in the UK,

according to Diane Abbott.

LAUGHTER

OK, Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

-ANDY:

-"Carry the four, divide by seven..."

"This is for me, is it?"

She's getting in the car, that's nice.

There's Tim. There's another battle bus, we've seen plenty of those.

"One of us isn't breathing!"

LAUGHTER

So, yes, it's the party leaders have been

-getting up to various bits and pieces, haven't they?

-That's right.

-There's an election on.

-They're all out to persuade people to vote.

-And Diane had a problem.

-Oh, yes, she did.

-Yeah.

-What's she gone and done?

-Well, they had an idea they thought would work,

which is having 10,000 more police. This is the Labour Party.

Normally that's what the Tories say. This time, Labour thought

they'd try it, but unfortunately, they got Diane out.

-Yes.

-She got the numbers wrong. She gave an amount

which would mean they were paying £30 per year per policeman.

Yes.

Quite cheap coppers, not even those ones that are semi-coppers,

that go round parks telling you to be quiet.

-Semi-coppers.

-Are they on zero-hours contract?

Yeah, zero-hours contract. Voluntary. Buy your own uniform.

30 quid.

I may sign up.

-"Is that dog wasting?"

-LAUGHTER

Wasting?!

Where is this park, 1820?

LAUGHTER

It's a real shame. Because you do want there to be an opposition.

Lots of people have been very badly affected by cuts in this country

and you just want them to have their figures right.

-It's really disappointing.

-She was asked,

10,000 police, how much will that cost? She said £300,000.

So that's £30 a year for a copper.

So they said, "Is that right?"

She said, "No. I didn't mean £300,000,

"I meant 80 million."

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look.

We believe it will be about £300,000.

-£300,000?

-Sorry.

-10,000 police officers?

What are you paying them?

-No, I mean... Sorry...

-How much will they cost?

They will cost...

They will... It will cost...

Erm, about...

About £80 million.

The additional costs in year one,

when we anticipate recruiting 250,000 policemen,

will be 64.3 million.

-250,000 policeMEN?

-And women.

She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott.

No, I think it's mathematics she hasn't got!

If you've got figures that are complete bollocks

and you don't know what you're talking about,

you don't trot them out on a radio show -

you slap them on the side of a bus and you drive them around!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So how is Labour hoping to pay for these extra police officers?

This is Capital Gains Tax. They're going to reverse the cut.

It's a reasonable thing to ask, "How are you going to pay for it?"

But first, you have to have a figure that isn't silly.

Usually the politicians just say "savings", don't they?

-Efficiency.

-Yeah, yeah.

The real answer is we'll put taxes up.

Which they will. All of them.

But can't they just put the taxes up for the bad boys,

-like Amazon and Uber?

-Doesn't make enough.

-Not enough?

-No, it's gotta be everyone. All of you.

-None of these people work.

-I mean myself!

They've come here for the free telly!

Look at them, they don't have jobs.

OK, due impartiality...

Due impartiality, let's move on to the Conservatives.

Actually, no, hang on. Labour have brought out a leaflet

in Maidstone Rural South.

One of its pledges is a little bit unusual.

-Does anyone know what it is?

-Vote Tory.

It's a pledge.

-It is a pledge...

-A pledge to...bring back...

Charles Dickens.

Yeah. I'd vote for that.

We know where he is.

Labour pledges to prevent...

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER

How has Theresa May responded to criticism

that she just robotically repeats the same lines?

Oh, is this when she was repeating

over and over again the "strong and stable" thing?

-That, obviously, yes.

-Yes.

I can't wait till she does a photo opportunity with a stable.

Stables are normally full of something, aren't they?

She's got a new mantra, though. Did you pick it up at the weekend?

-Have a look, see if you can spot it here.

-Yeah, go on.

I genuinely believe this is the most important election

the country has faced in my lifetime.

Because this is, I think, the most important election

that this country has faced in my lifetime.

-How are you finding it so far?

-Thank you very much, Ruth,

and it's great to be with you here.

Thank you for everything you've done for Scottish Conservatives with your leadership.

But it's great to be in Scotland, because as we look ahead

to this general election, really, it is, I think,

the most important election the UK has faced in my lifetime.

Of course she'd think that - she's running for Prime Minister!

LAUGHTER

She didn't care who won in 1964.

-It didn't bother her.

-I knew I was coming on the show.

-Did you?

-So, on the weekend, I thought

I will watch the Sunday politics-y shows.

And I stopped counting in the end

because she began so many sentences with that construction,

"I'm very clear." And it struck me that normally,

if someone repeated themselves that incessantly,

you would get them checked out for Alzheimer's.

Seriously, you would. I'm not a doctor.

-No.

-Are you not?

-Are you willing to give it a go?

-Yeah, I'll give it a go.

-Bit of British pluck!

-I could have been.

-You may have to be.

-I'm not saying

the Prime Minister has dementia, but what I'm saying is,

if she doesn't want people to start wondering about that,

she should stop repeating herself.

She is forgetting a lot of stuff.

She's forgotten her original position on Brexit pretty quickly.

I'm not saying she's got...

But next week, if she's giving a press conference

in her pyjamas, you heard it here first.

I think there's a potential show in this -

unqualified people giving medical, you know...

-Oh, I'm up for that.

-Exactly.

You'll get your operation. You get your operation free,

-but it has to be carried out by...Joe Pasquale.

-Yeah!

What happened in Cornwall? She was visiting a diving equipment factory.

-Oh, yes.

-She locked all the journalists in a cupboard.

Otherwise they'd find out she's a real submarine.

She wouldn't let them film her

-when she was going round the factory in St Ives.

-Oh, really?

-Does everyone want to see Theresa knocking on doors?

-Not for me, no.

LAUGHTER

Oh, go on, then! If you've got it, if you've got it. Go on, then.

-No.

-No, I don't think...

Oh, OK. We won't trouble you, then.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no!

Without wishing to labour the dementia thing...

LAUGHTER

-It is a touch.

-..she's wandering around the streets...

Trying to find out where she lives.

"Do I live in here?" "No."

And she has to have a young man with her

to show her how to use a doorbell.

I rest my case.

Back to Cornwall Live. They had a couple of reporters there.

One of them, Graeme Wilkinson, put a tweet up.

Is that a strategy, do you think? That's a thing where she's now

going to keep the press away from her meeting actual people?

That's a Trump tactic.

And Eminem does it as well.

-So they're the big three.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

Back to her interview on the Andrew Marr Show.

What did Theresa May deny

was down to the government's public sector pay freeze?

-ANDY:

-Food banks, people going to the...

Oh, yes, the nurses, yes.

-The nurses.

-Using food banks.

-Well, let's see her answer.

There are many complex reasons why people go to food banks.

-Yeah. Sometimes they don't like what's in Sainsbury's!

-Yeah.

Could buy it, don't want to.

-Fancied a laugh at the end of the night shift.

-Yeah.

Meanwhile, who was showing off his new purchase this week?

-David Cameron.

-Yes.

-Oh, yes!

-Yes.

He's bought a conscience.

LAUGHTER

He's bought a £25,000 shepherd's hut. Here he is.

-SARA:

-They don't sell consciences in Farrow and Ball.

-The colour on that is a shade called "Clunch".

-Is it really?!

And the hut is painted in Yeabridge Green.

-ANDY:

-I thought "clunch" was gay slang in the '50s.

LAUGHTER

What you looking at me for?

LAUGHTER

It's exactly like the scene in Wind In The Willows

where Mr Toad buys a caravan!

LAUGHTER

"Boop-boop! Time to write my memoirs.

"Day one - messed it up."

Anyone want to see a religious statue that looks a bit like David Cameron?

-Yeah.

-Yes, please.

-Yes, please.

-There we are.

LAUGHTER

So, on to the Lib Dems now. On to the Lib Dems.

Who has Tim Farron been talking to?

He ran into a man who disagreed with him.

He did that. Before he did that, though,

according to the Express, he'd been talking to Tony Blair

about the possibility of forming a pro-European party.

Tony Blair! He's been really mean about Jeremy Corbyn.

-Not mean, he doesn't like him...

-You mean sort of accurate?

That's his party who he's supposed to be helping.

It's like your ex-boyfriend turning up, being like,

"I don't like your new boyfriend."

"Erm, you left me in the middle of the night.

"I woke up, Gordon Brown was there.

"I don't want to listen to you!"

APPLAUSE

Tim Farron was meeting members of the public in Kidlington.

This is what happened when he met Malcolm Baker in Oxfordshire.

-You keep going on, all the time...

-Loads of my mates voted...

-I voted Leave.

-Yep.

-And I'm proud to have voted Leave.

-Yeah.

-MAN:

-You're very aggressive.

-And I knew what I was voting for.

-But are you...? Have you got grandchildren?

-Yes, I've got...

Are you proud they will inherit a poorer, less secure country?

I'm proud that they'll be coming out of Britain - out of Europe -

and that we will have our own destiny

and not have people telling us we're going to pay £100 billion

-to get out.

-Do you not...?

-And if that's your policies,

I hope you get beaten. I hope you only get six seats!

Well, thank you very much. Nice to talk to you.

I have always voted Labour,

but I will be voting for Theresa May!

You fucking idiot!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Glad we have the voice of common sense there at the end.

It's a very sad way to find out that Kidlington is leaving Britain.

What did Tim Farron invite a voter in Cambridge to do?

-Smell his Spaniel.

-That's right.

-SARA:

-What?!

According to bystanders it sounded as if he invited one voter to...

Which could be a game show.

-People bring in their dogs...

-Blindfolded celebrity.

Yeah. "Whose Spaniel is that?" "I think it's..."

"Christine Hamilton, you have ten seconds, whose Labrador is this?"

-Here's Jeremy Corbyn.

-Jeremy Corbyn, yes.

-What's going on here?

-He's rather confused.

He's discovered that Paul Nuttall has turned up to support him,

-if you look behind him.

-LAUGHTER

Here's Nicola Sturgeon. What do we think's going on here?

-ANDY:

-She's having so much fun there.

It's like, "Oh, look, I'm Harry Potter!"

Here's Theresa May...

Oh, they've airbrushed out the cigarette!

LAUGHTER

-Fag Ash Lil.

-Yeah.

-The full Dot Cotton look!

-SARA:

-It's the walk of shame!

She's not been to bed. Been on the doorstep all night.

Just getting her tea and her chips.

"Why are you taking pictures of me now?"

It looks like she's trying to suck the chips up.

There's been a lot of talk about tactical voting in this election.

-Is that going to happen, do we think?

-Well, there's a lot of

traditional Labour people who aren't sure if they can actually do it.

I mean, presumably you, Andy,

I mean, it's a tough decision, isn't it?

I've voted tactically in the past sometimes.

Or to put that another way...

Their fate will be in each other's hands

as they decide whether to share

or to shaft.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the official launch of the election campaign

with a visit by Theresa May to the Queen.

Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC

during an interview about funding police recruitment.

To be fair, it wasn't her fault. She didn't have the figures to hand

because one of advisers had left the fag packet back in the office.

According to the Guardian...

As has the Conservatives'.

According to the Guardian...

Ah, Bernie Sanders,

the man who lost to the woman who lost to Donald Trump.

Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Labour,

Tony Blair has hinted at a comeback.

Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg dismissed the announcement...

Bit rich coming from the MP for 1879!

The Ukip campaign was marred by a brawl between two women

outside a pub in Hartlepool.

According to one witness...

I'm guessing it's what we, the liberal elite, call "wine."

LAUGHTER

In an interview,

Theresa May revealed her favourite recipes were for...

Bang goes the Ukip vote.

-So, at the end of that round, it is two points each.

-Hurrah.

APPLAUSE

And so it's a welcome return to the Wheel O' News.

-Oh, there's only three things on it.

-Here's the first spin.

So who is this and why are they in the news?

-BUZZER Yes, Ian?

-Seagulls.

-Some local council somewhere... Is it Devon?

-Devon. It is Devon.

They've decided that they're going to fine anyone

who's aiding and abetting gulls

by feeding them.

What, like fish?

LAUGHTER

They're going to be in trouble.

There's going to be a lot of fish in jail.

How much is the fine going to be?

£80 million.

-SARA LAUGHS

-300?

-Ten?

-No, it's...

Hang on.

-Erm, I have a question...

-Jeremy, erm...?

I have a question. So you know that thing,

and it's happened to everyone,

when you've got your chips at the beach

and the seagull comes in and takes them from you,

is that still aiding and abetting?

Take, for example, Theresa May.

-Chips in one hand, drink in the other...

-Yeah.

Gull comes in - head-butt. It's good.

-It's her only option!

-APPLAUSE

Her only option.

-In case anyone's wondering, the fine is £80.

-80.

-£80.

-That is a figure apparently the council arrived at,

according to the Express, at the...

It's not just seaside towns where you get attacked.

I got attacked by a gull

in Broadwick Street in London's West End.

Were you being stalked, do you think?

It's the weirdest thing. I was walking down Broadwick Street

and a gull, I was aware of a gull...

-HE IMITATES A SEAGULL

-..sweeping over me,

and then it came straight for me and I had to duck,

and I thought, "That's really odd," and then I walked on,

and then it sort of circled behind me, and it came again.

Three times it came, and there was a guy at a bus stop,

he said, "He really wants you!"

The only thing I can think of, I was wearing a baseball cap,

so whether I looked like a very obese, waddly gull

and I was near a nesting site.

-SARA:

-Don't put yourself down!

But why me? There were hundreds of people there!

-SARA:

-Don't put yourself down.

He might have just thought you were a really small cliff.

He was trying to just land on you.

Might there be an ulterior motive in all of this?

Yeah, they're trying to make money.

Maybe, yes. East Devon councillor Ian Chubb told the Telegraph...

..but...

-Who's Chubby blaming for feeding the seagulls?

-Chubby!

Tourists, visitors.

-Animal lovers.

-Animal lovers.

He told the Times... He's talking to a lot of papers here.

Chubby told the Times that the culprits were mainly...

In other animal news, why did this cat get a visit from the police?

-Wasting police time?

-No-one thought that was a gun, right?

-That's not the story?

-This was reposted

on the Oregon Police Department Facebook page...

-No!

-..in the US this week.

One member of the public claimed it showed

a cat that was armed with a rifle.

In other news, what did fossil hunters discover this week

in Norfolk? This is exciting.

-Was it a fossil?

-A mammoth.

They found a mammoth's leg bone,

thought to be around two million years old.

Let's take a look at the bone there.

-SARA:

-Oh, my gosh.

-ANDY:

-That's in quite good nick.

That looks like something you get from KFC.

What confusion arose when a British man with no Chinese

-took his dog to a Chinese barbers this week?

-Oh, no.

Well, here is Leigh Simmons' dog, Seren, before the visit.

Oh, no!

Leigh told the Sun...

-ANDY:

-Uh-oh.

-SARA:

-No!

-I can see what way some people are thinking,

and I admit it would be hilarious, but...

-..I suspect the dog survived, first of all.

-The dog survived.

Yes, and he was just sort of nude. Apart from his head.

Let's have a look.

Oh!

That's not right!

That's like a dog-chicken thing.

He looks like he's wearing thermal underwear!

You would be if everybody shaved your hair off.

-ANDY:

-You look at the dog's expression.

He's looking at his owner and he's thinking...

-"I trusted you."

-Yeah.

"You wait till you fall asleep!"

This is the council in Devon which

has banned the public from feeding seagulls.

In 2015, David Cameron revealed a seagull swooped down

and stole his ham sandwich. The Telegraph said this began...

Well, voting to leave the EU seems to have got rid of him.

Here is the next spin.

Who is this...

..and why are they in the news?

Yes, it's now been 100 days of Donald Trump.

Yes, how did he celebrate?

-He played golf.

-He went to a rally.

-He snubbed something.

He failed to turn up.

The Correspondents' Dinner.

-Oh, yes.

-That's right.

The point of this dinner is to show that you have a sense of humour,

so there's not a great deal of point in Trump turning up.

He's the first president since Reagan to miss this dinner.

Do you know why Reagan missed it?

Yeah, he'd been shot. He had a good excuse.

Trump has so far failed to deliver on any of his 28 promises

in the first 100 days.

What's he blaming this on?

He's blaming it on the American Constitution.

That's exactly right.

And it would have helped if he'd read it.

He told Fox News...

Normally, that would get you locked up for treason in America.

It is a very familiar tactic. He just insinuated some broad plot

without going into detail.

That's what politicians have done down the centuries.

Isn't it because the average person

has a very small amount of time to actually engage with politics?

It's like advertising slogans.

What, and they watch ten box sets?

Well, that's fun.

That's really fun! That's what I mean.

Things like, with Brexit, say, "get our country back,"

or, with America, "make our country great again,"

it's a really vague thing that everyone just imagines

what that would be for them, project onto it,

and then buys into it, and so that's why it's so effective,

so to argue with it you have to use the same tactics, don't you?

"Everyone's going to get a big willy!"

Well, he revealed...

Whether they want it or not!

Half past ten tonight's best for me.

I've got to have a couple of drinks first.

So when is a wall not a wall?

-When it's a fence.

-Yes.

Or when it's a very, very small wall.

-Did you see this from Sean Spicer?

-Oh, he's good.

-The White House Press Secretary...

-He's great.

..lecturing on walls and fences.

Are those photos of fences or walls?

That is called a bollard wall, that is called a levy wall.

-Is that the wall...?

-No, no, no!

There are various types of walls that can be built.

Under the legislation that was just passed,

it allows us to do that.

As we've mentioned, that is called a levy wall on the left,

that is called a bollard wall.

So that's not a wall, it's a levy wall?

That's what it's actually called. That's the name of it.

You'd think when they would say, "We need a press secretary.

"Who's the most irritable man we know?"

Donald Trump's presidency has been good news

for the nuclear shelter industry.

Reporting a major increase in sales is Los Angeles businessman...

He learned everything he knows about small enclosed spaces

from his famous ancestor, Old Mother.

The last spin on the Wheel O' News...

BUZZER

Prince Philip's retiring from public duties

after 70-odd years of opening things

and walking around and speaking to people.

Just cos he's 95.

-95.

-What a slacker!

How did the story break this morning?

They had a pre-announcement, didn't they?

They said, "We're going to do an announcement."

Everyone thought it was this really huge announcement

and then the announcement was Prince Philip is going to retire

and people thought, "Is he still working? He's so old.

"Who is making him do this, Iain Duncan Smith?

"Let the poor boy rest!"

Some people actually went so far as to report that he had died.

-They didn't!

-Yes, well... It was reported in France

and then later in the Sun.

-Shall we see how they covered it in the Sun?

-Yes.

-Oh, wow.

-They said...

LAUGHTER

That's the instruction from the features editor, isn't it?

And they just printed it!

So what does this actually mean?

-Well, he's stepping down from...

-Stepping down.

Kind of keeping up all his engagements up until the autumn,

so he's still headlining Glastonbury.

So what will we hear no more?

-SARA:

-Pre-war racism?

Well, his joke.

You're going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.

You're seeing the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.

You are now going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.

LAUGHTER

-Not a bad gag.

-No, it's quite good.

I don't think any of us are in a position

to criticise someone who recycles a gag.

I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988.

He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as...

It's an interesting confluence of events,

that on the Wednesday, Theresa May goes to the Palace

to see the Queen, and on the Thursday,

Prince Philip says he's retiring from public life.

I don't think that's a coincidence. I think he's thought,

"Oh, my God, that woman's going to be coming here every week

"for the next five years.

"I'm off.

"If anyone wants me, I'll be in my hut."

This is Prince Philip standing down from all royal duties.

He's Frankie Boyle, really, isn't he?

That's what he wanted to be.

According to the BBC, Prince Philip has...

..and prompted 800 Royal aides hurriedly to say,

"He didn't mean it, he's from a different generation."

The Duke of Edinburgh's Awards scheme

has been going over 60 years,

and has resulted in four million young people

being given the chance to cry in a tent on the Brecon Beacons

and say they just want to go home.

Which means, at the end of this round,

it is 3 to Ian and Sara, 4 to Paul and Andy.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Blackbeard,

Andy Hamilton,

Conan the Barbarian

and Ian Hislop.

There you are.

Well, they've all got beards, except me.

Thank you very much, two points!

They are all barbarians, except me.

-How dare you?!

-Have at you, sir!

-SARA:

-Just what a barbarian would say.

-Is it pirates?

-Hmm...?

I'm a pirate in a children's cartoon.

You are. Exactly, yes.

-Do you remember what you're called?

-I'm called...

Yes, of course I remember. I'm...

I'm a proper artist!

-I'm Captain Squid.

-You are, you're Captain Squid.

-Captain Squid?

-I'm a captain and I'm a squid.

It's actually quite an achievement for a squid to reach that rank.

What's your Captain Squid voice? Your booming, pirate voice?

It's very like this voice.

-Let's have a look. We've got it. We've got it here.

-Oh, no.

Captain Squid.

Well, best be off. I've got some pirate stuff to get on with.

I'm not a real pirate, in case that's confusing.

This is about having a parrot. I had a parrot when I was young.

Ian's the odd one out. He's not a pirate.

Yes, you're right. Ian has never been a pirate,

but like many legendary pirates, he did once own a parrot.

What was your parrot called?

Erm... We were a very imaginative family.

It was called Polly.

It was a grey African parrot.

Did you teach it all your catchphrases?

PAUL LAUGHS

-And those would be, Alexander?

-I don't know.

Catch-looks, maybe.

LAUGHTER

That's Ian's catch-look!

We had this parrot in Nigeria,

where we were living when I was very young,

and it was a lovely parrot

and it did a certain amount of talking...in English.

-POSH VOICE:

-I'm too good for this place!

I really shouldn't be here.

What do we know about Blackbeard?

-He used to set fire to himself, didn't he?

-He did, exactly right.

-He used to put fireworks in his beard.

-Yes, exactly. He would...

And here he is. We've got a picture of him there.

-SARA:

-He runs a coffee shop now in Shoreditch.

LAUGHTER

I've seen him. It's vaping.

That's still happening.

Blackbeard was an infamous 18th-century pirate

in the Caribbean, known for his drunkenness and violent reputation.

In fact, Johnny Depp used him as an inspiration

for the character Johnny Depp in real life.

Who's that playing Conan the Barbarian?

-ANDY:

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Yes, that's right.

Can I request at the edit that they put in a less smug photo of me?

The only time I ever use that expression

is at home when I've just finished a Codeword.

-When Arnie...

-You look a little bit like Lenin.

Have you ever thought of that?

Yeah, I went up for the cartoon version of Lenin,

but he was a hamster, and I didn't get it.

What did Arnie have to do as a preparation for playing Conan?

Um...learn the script?

Yes.

Did he have to...? He's very smooth and muscly.

-Did he have to work out and wax?

-Do you know what?

It was a muscle thing, but he had to spend time...

Oh, that sounds like such a humblebrag.

I do the same for Pointless as well.

One recent review of Conan the Barbarian read simply,

"Terrible film, terrible actor, terrible Apprentice ratings, sad,

"exclamation mark."

Yes, they are all pirates, apart from Ian,

although he did once own a parrot.

I was a pirate, actually.

LAUGHTER

After Nigeria, we moved to Somalia.

That film, Captain Phillips? It's based on me.

It's a busy life, being Ian Hislop's parrot.

After repeating everything Ian says, the parrot

is currently fighting 19 different libel actions.

Which means, at the end of this round,

Ian and Sara are on 5, Paul and Andy are on 6.

APPLAUSE

It's time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

It comes out once a month,

without any signals or warning.

And to start with...

-SARA:

-Struggle, because I can't reach the keyboard like this.

-ANDY:

-Writing The LaidBack Cyclist seems an awful waste of a life?

Oh! And you've just told then it's a waste of a life!

Apparently the readership of the magazine dropped last year but...

My God, who knew David Bowie and Prince were both subscribers?

Next...

-ANDY:

-Talk to someone.

Sing.

The answer is...

-Have you seen this?

-Here is the raven with its owner.

The person who was sitting next to her moved down the carriage

to sit by the man with the ticking rucksack.

Next...

-ANDY:

-Older.

Dried out.

In a specialist clinic.

Pro-Corbyn.

That's certainly true!

This is a list of 24 endangered baby names.

According to the Sun...

Not surprising. That's not how you spell "Monica".

LAUGHTER

And finally...

Convicted.

Solves crime?

-ANDY:

-Solves murder.

-Yeah.

A hairdresser accused of driving without a seat belt

has successfully defended herself in court

after watching episodes of Miss Marple.

She used Agatha Christie's TV series to prove that she couldn't possibly

have not been wearing her seat belt in Colchester

on the day in question, as at the time she was, in fact,

murdering someone on the Orient Express.

So the final scores are Ian and Sara on 5,

Paul and Andy on 7.

-APPLAUSE

-Outrageous!

We lose again.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Sara have this.

"Oh, where's Alan?"

"Oh, he went to a Chinese barber.

"He won't be coming back for ages!"

Paul and Andy, you get that.

Angela Merkel unveils negotiator for Brexit talks.

-IN DALEK VOICE:

-Negotiate.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Sara Pascoe,

Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton, and I leave you with news that

in Edinburgh, as the Conservatives campaign

to win back some seats in Scotland,

there's a hostile reception for Theresa May.

At a packed press conference in Paris,

Francois Hollande is finally forced to admit

he has a body odour problem.

And as a result of his decision to withdraw from public engagements,

Prince Philip will now have more time to spend with his family.

Goodnight.