Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong lanaguage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm David Harewood.

In the news this week, running late before a rally on the environment,

Green Party leader Caroline Lucas rushes through the morning chores.

LAUGHTER

In London, Simon Cowell's butler admits he's getting a bit fed up

with having to deal with his boss' cats.

BELL RINGS

LAUGHTER

And after losing his job, Kelvin MacKenzie's week

goes from bad to worse as he regrets leaving his tin of toffees

out in the sun for too long.

LAUGHTER

Argh, jeez!

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight, a writer and comedian

who's won both Celebrity Pointless and Celebrity Mastermind.

So obviously, he's very clever, for a celebrity.

Please welcome Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster

who started out on BBC Radio Scotland.

And the way things are going,

she'll soon be back there as the BBC's foreign correspondent.

Please welcome Kirsty Wark.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Josh, take a look at this.

Bananas.

That's Tim Farron on The Krypton Factor.

That's the BBC's top political interviewers, there.

And the reintroduction of grammar schools.

That last one, is it that they're remaking Big, starring Theresa May?

LAUGHTER

It's going to be a great film, I can't wait for it.

-It's the election, presumably?

-The election.

This is the news that,

fearing Kirsty would give her too easy a ride on Newsnight,

Theresa May subjected herself to The One Show.

Which member of Theresa's team was trusted to appear alongside her?

It was her husband, Philip.

It was a very kind of nervous...

They were both kind of sat there kind of nervously.

It was a bit like... I don't know if you've ever seen First Dates

at the end when the couple have to sit together...

-and they say whether they're going to go out again.

-Yes.

-It was a very similar tension to that.

-It was!

-It was, actually.

-I mean, it was obviously a tough interview.

They went straight in with, "Do you like shoes?"

LAUGHTER

Yes, Alex and Matt, the grand inquistadores.

LAUGHTER

-Did she?

-Yes, she did like shoes,

as long as they were strong and stable.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I would say it was sycophantic

but that's just understating it.

It managed to be both sort of grotesque and dull.

LAUGHTER

It's hard. That's hard.

You'll gather I have no life and I watched all of it.

Yes, the questions included how did they meet,

does he like jackets or jumpers

-and, "Who takes the bins out?"

-Yes.

-It was him.

-That's right.

-Philip takes the bins out.

-But I've never seen it

because they've always got that kind of shot of Number Ten.

You've never seen him just...

LAUGHTER

All those first drafts of her speeches...

I wouldn't give him the job of putting the bins out.

It looks like the bins have put him out.

-LAUGHTER

-Poor devil.

But I don't understand,

you've got the Prime Minister on and the basis of the BBC line is,

"We won't ask about politics...

"..cos that would be unfair!"

That's the Prime Minister!

So what happens when Jeremy Corbyn comes on?

He may like that.

But, his partner's not going to go on with him.

No, they can't do a cosy Mr and Mrs, because Mrs won't come on.

So Diane Abbott will go on.

LAUGHTER

She'll have a problem with the figures, won't she?

Is it The One Show, The Five Show?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you like the answer, Kirsty,

that in life there are boys' jobs and girls' jobs?

That was a focus group job, wasn't it?

They've definitely done that for that audience, absolutely.

He takes the bins out, she...

-irons?

-I thought it was girls' jobs are being the Prime Minister...

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Boy's jobs - being in the City, making money.

-Strong and stable.

-Strong and stable, yes.

-Tie. No, he didn't wear a tie.

-He didn't wear a tie.

Didn't wear a tie, extraordinary behaviour.

LAUGHTER

Did you hear Theresa's uplifting story

about how she inspired a young woman to go into politics?

-Yes, I did.

-Did you? Was it inspiring?

It was. The young woman was inspired

by Theresa's shoes to go into politics.

She said, "The only reason I went into politics is your shoes."

And that woman was Marine Le Pen.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In fact, we can have a look at that clip right now.

Just to tell you a little story,

this happened about, I suppose, four or five years ago.

I was in the lift in the House of Commons,

and there was a young woman in the lift

and I happened to look down and I said, "Oh, nice pair of shoes."

And she said, "Oh, I like your shoes."

And then she looked at me and said,

"Your shoes got me involved in politics."

And now... You know?

LAUGHTER

-It's as easy as that!

-It's as easy as that.

What has Channel 4 News' Michael Crick

alleged about Theresa May's campaign?

It says a Conservative press officer has been refusing to allow questions

to Theresa May, unless they have prior approval to speak.

And this is in the Cabinet.

LAUGHTER

You're not suggesting the questions in Mrs May's meetings are planted?

I'm not suggesting that at all.

Who is, then?

LAUGHTER

Kirsty, have you been allowed to ask Mrs May a question?

She keeps asking to come on, but we're being picky.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Other media outlets have said that they have had no such problems,

but Theresa May was heard to accuse someone at a recent factory visit...

They said, "No, this is a Biro factory."

LAUGHTER

You know, she's got a touch of the Trumps, touch of the Erdogans...

..all kicking in.

No, I think she's forgotten this is an election for Prime Minister,

not life president and dictator.

At least Jeremy Corbyn is prepared to meet people in the street.

Did you see what happened in Leicester the other day?

-No.

-Let's have a look.

Your hair?

LAUGHTER

Yes, that's better.

-Keep still.

-That one.

Do you know what? If he takes him on The One Show, that will be amazing.

Yes!

-Is he curing the sick?

-LAUGHTER

And another man said this to him...

LAUGHTER

"We met in the gents toilets."

He said, "I like your shoes."

Kirsty, who leaked the Labour Party manifesto to the BBC?

Was it you?

-LAUGHTER

-You see, there are people that say

that actually it was a kind of stunt,

because it would mean that it would come out and get a bit more play

and then Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't have to launch it next week,

the attention wouldn't all be on Jeremy Corbyn

because it would be out there.

I think they had to leak the Labour pledges early

in case the Tories just stole all of them.

LAUGHTER

I mean, they've done it with electricity,

-they might have done a lot, really.

-But would they actually say

-they would only use a nuclear deterrent with caution?

-Yeah.

-That was an extraordinary one.

-Is that unreasonable?

LAUGHTER

It should have said... Cos it was a draft, if it just said,

"We're going to be gung ho with nuclear deterrents."

And then a little note by it, "Change this later."

LAUGHTER

-Shall we have a quiz about the 1970s?

-Absolutely.

-Come on, let's do it.

-I am going to nail this(!)

If it was the 1870s, you'd have more of a chance.

Now, the 1870s, come on!

Here we go.

OK, fingers on buzzers, here's the first one.

Here's the top five singles

for the chart week in 1974,

the last year when a socialist government was elected.

Don't Stay Away Too Long!

Do you remember these banging tunes? Does anyone remember these?

-Every one of them.

-KIRSTY:

-Of course, Shang-A-Lang.

-JOSH:

-No.

-When were you born?

-'83.

-Oh, right.

Josh, you could almost be Macron's wife.

The Wombles were at number five with Remember You're A Womble.

Ian, can you name three more Womble songs?

-Wombling Free.

-Yes.

Uncle Bulgaria's Not In The EU Any More.

-Have Yourself A Wombling Christmas.

-Yes!

Yes, very, very good, that's one of them.

-The other one is Wombling White Tie And Tails and Superwomble.

-Mm.

Next, can you name any of the finalists

in ITV's Best Dressed Man of 1974?

-Oh!

-'74...

-JOSH:

-I imagine...

Pol Pot.

I will give you a clue.

-Roger Moore.

-Yes!

What did Roger Moore say about the future James Bond?

-It's a girl's job.

-Did he...?

No, that's not what he said. He said...

I can tell you what, he's going to be neither,

because I'm still in with a chance.

APPLAUSE

Next question, what's the name of this car?

-BUZZER KIRSTY:

-Oh, a Jensen Interceptor.

-Jensen Interceptor.

-It's not a Jensen Interceptor.

-What is it, then?

-I'll give you a clue.

-That's the quiz, I think.

-LAUGHTER

-We've got to tell him.

-I'll give you a big clue.

-Yeah, go on.

-It's got a Wankel rotary engine.

It's got a what, sorry?

It's a good job I did my warm up.

It's got a Wankel rotary engine.

-And that's a clue?

-Yeah.

-Somebody out there is whispering it, I can hear it somewhere.

-Yes.

Is there a Top Gear fan?

AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT

-NSU.

-KIRSTY:

-What?

-That's a clinic.

It's a NSU Ro 80.

Well done, that man.

APPLAUSE

-He knew.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

For an extra point, who presented the first-ever Top Gear in 1970s...?

That bloke did, over there.

Angela Rippon and Noel Edmonds.

And why are they now in the news?

Angela Rippon and Noel Edmonds?

-Was it Noel Edmonds?

-It's Noel Edmonds.

-He's in the news.

He wants lots of money,

he's suing the banks for something like 30-odd million because...

-Yep.

-They've defiled his reputation.

-Yep.

-That's right, he's...

-JOSH:

-What, the guy at the end of the phone on Deal Or No Deal,

-he's suing him?

-Not that banker, I think he's suing a real bank.

-Oh, OK.

-KIRSTY:

-Yep.

It is actually Noel Edmonds who is now suing Lloyds Banking Group

-for 73 million quid.

-Oh, I thought it was 37.

-Back to the present.

-Yeah.

After the Labour Party's manifesto was leaked on Wednesday,

many commentators agree it's a great shame to see all this Labour Party

infighting during the election.

I mean, come on, guys, it's your last one ever.

LAUGHTER

Would you like to see Diane Abbott

explaining the number of seats lost by Labour

-at last week's local elections?

-Yeah.

And do you know the number of net losses so far for Labour?

At the time of us doing this interview,

I think the net losses were about 50.

There are actually 125 net losses so far.

Well, the last time I looked

we had net losses of...

-100. But obviously...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Sounds a bit like a doctor checking for concussion.

LAUGHTER

Should ask her who the Prime Minister is.

Er...

I think I've got the wrong page.

Ah, there it is.

That's one of her lines.

Did you see how Ed Miliband this week proved what an uphill struggle

it is for Labour to keep the traditional working-class vote?

-No.

-No.

LAUGHTER

Oh, there's no clip, it was just a question.

-KIRSTY:

-It's Pavlov's Dog.

-JOSH:

-Yes!

That's a very modern thing, we have to look at a screen at all times.

Did you see that? Did you see how hard...?

Are you going to describe it or do it in modern dance or...?

-No.

-He was actually in Doncaster

where he met an MP and tried to chat to a few locals who were unimpressed

and told the Sunday Times...

LAUGHTER

Now, the deadline has passed for people to be named

as the party's chosen candidates.

Why was there some delay over the official selection

of Ukip candidate George Connolly

for the Wyre Forest in Worcestershire?

Was he...

dead?

Had he been nominated but not...? He couldn't find Paul Nuttall?

Cos he was hiding after the election results.

He was hiding, yes.

Everyone kept saying, "Where's the leader of Ukip?"

It's a great new book, it's like Where's Wally?

Where's The Leader Of Ukip?

Where's Nutty?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Here's George's official photo.

-Yes.

But a photograph purporting to be him

has been circulating on social media.

Now, many people have suggested that he lacks attention to detail,

including someone called Vincent Graff who tweeted...

Absolutely.

This is obviously the election campaign and the fierce grilling

of Mr and Mrs May on The One Show,

so-called because it's the one show Theresa May's prepared to go on.

LAUGHTER

Mr and Mrs May met at university and have been together ever since.

But, as we know, even though she's remained with him all this time,

Theresa could change her mind and leave at any minute.

LAUGHTER

According to the Daily Mail...

Corbyn doesn't want that.

He'd have to sleep with Diane Abbott all over again.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Also this week, Amber Rudd told reporters that

being Home Secretary was a bit like the TV series Homeland, saying...

Hang on a minute, six series?

They told me they stopped making it after they blew me up in series two.

LAUGHTER

Bastards!

-Can't trust anybody.

-Paul and Kirsty, here's one for you.

Yes. Avocado...

-Avocado-gate.

-Avocado-gate, is it?

SIREN BLARES LAUGHTER

Thanks for putting the sound on, I would have been confused

as to what that vehicle was doing!

Yes, it seems to be avocados are causing damage amongst people

-in Great Britain, is that right?

-Yeah, there's been a lot of hands...

-It's soft, it's soft, what's that?

-Hand problems, hand surgery.

-Really?!

-Yes, lots of it.

You'll never carve another avocado again.

Those must be grim words to hear on a Friday night.

At last we've got a proper liberal, metropolitan story.

That guy from Doncaster's turned off, hasn't he?

Exactly! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, poofs talking about fruit.

LAUGHTER

I bet someone's just turned on at that moment.

LAUGHTER

Apparently the injuries are greater at the weekends.

In Glasgow, on a Saturday night when you go to A&E...

-Oh, yes, avocado, yeah.

-It's either...

"You'll have to get this one out, Doctor."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, Jesus Christ!

"That's the last time I talk about football, I tell you that much."

This is the shocking rise in avocado-related injuries.

-At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London...

-Chelsea!

LAUGHTER

-This is shocking!

-Chelsea, yeah.

It's a shocking rise.

-Shocking!

-At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London,

surgeon Mr Eccles said he now treats about four patients a week.

Though, disappointingly, he's never encountered an injury

from a cake filled with currants.

LAUGHTER

So what's the name given by A&E surgeons,

-to this avocado-related injury?

-Idiocy.

LAUGHTER

I think I know. It's avocado hand.

Very, very good - point there.

Avocado hand -

where amateur cooks have slashed their hand

trying to cut into the fruit and remove the stone.

It's like stigmata.

I think the Irish police will be round for you.

LAUGHTER

Walking round Glasgow on a Saturday night going, "Stigmata!"

They didn't get Stephen Fry, they'll get you.

Who can give us the definitive technique for safely de-stoning?

-Get somebody else to do it.

-LAUGHTER

According to David Shewring

-of the British Society of Surgery of the Hand...

-Yes.

-KIRSTY:

-I was right!

-Yeah.

Then you can use the towel to dry your tears as you realise

what an utter travesty of life your middle-class existence has become.

-Yes.

-It's very simple,

you cut the avocado...

-KIRSTY:

-Yep.

Yep, how do you get the stone out?

-JOSH:

-Hoover.

Guppy fish.

-JOSH:

-Guppy fish!

What does cafe owner Catherine Scott

think avocados should be accompanied by?

-A health warning.

-Yes.

Small children mustn't try this, you must be 18 to cut an avocado.

-JOSH:

-Like on cigarettes, pictures of avocado injuries.

-KIRSTY:

-Avocado hand.

-JOSH:

-Four out of five avocado eaters can't grip a joystick.

Why are you doing that?

-You can take Glasgow out of the girl...

-Finger loss.

Avocados should come with a health warning, that's right.

Catherine cut herself whilst slicing an avocado and said

she got no sympathy from her family.

-They're from Doncaster.

-They just...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But they soon stopped when she bashed them over the head

with her Brabantia pedal bin.

LAUGHTER

This of course is the dreadful news that more and more

middle-class people are injuring themselves preparing food,

especially avocados,

and that's just for starters.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-JOSH:

-That is a great joke!

And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit Of News.

Fingers on buzzers, please,

and here's the first one.

BUZZER

-Trump.

-He's excelled himself,

he's shocked even America,

by sacking a man who's investigating him.

-KIRSTY:

-Mr Comey's in trouble.

But he only knew he was in trouble

because he was actually attending an FBI staff meeting,

he was addressing the staff at an awayday,

and something came on the television behind that he'd been sacked.

And he said, "That's such a joke, you guys."

-JOSH:

-He thought he was being pranked?

-KIRSTY:

-Yeah, FBI director thought he was being pranked.

-Perhaps he should've just maintained that line.

-Yeah.

And then Trump said, "No, no, you're fired." "Oh!"

The FBI have an awayday?

-It helps them to bond together.

-Yeah.

-Group morale.

Mulder and Scully going through a kind of an assault course together.

-No, it's like his lot on Homeland.

-Yeah.

They go down to Centre Parcs.

It's quite shocking, isn't it?

It's doubly shocking because he's replaced him with Melania Trump.

LAUGHTER

No, she'd lock him up!

LAUGHTER

I have no evidence for that!

What was the official reason for the shock dismissal of James Comey?

Because he's bad at his job.

"He's so bad at his job that I am still the President."

"He's failed to catch me! How bad is he?"

What has Donald Trump written in his letter to James Comey?

-What did he write?

-Is that where he said, "You're terminated"?

-That's right.

-It's like being on The Apprentice, isn't it?

-He just said, "You're fired."

-Yeah. He said, "You're terminated."

He was mixing up his programmes.

-JOSH:

-And then James Comey got a wheelie suitcase

and had to walk out.

LAUGHTER

Had to sit in a taxi, and go, "I thought I did well, actually!"

LAUGHTER

And let's just remind ourselves of the President's signature.

Absolutely nothing unhinged in that.

If that was on a life-support machine

you'd be in trouble, wouldn't you?

LAUGHTER

How did the White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer try to avoid

reporters' questions?

He hid in the bushes while he talked to some members of the press.

-Oh, you're kidding.

-Yeah. No, it's true.

They are completely nuts.

Sean Spicer actually hid in some bushes in the White House garden

and only agreed to answer questions

if the cameramen turned out their lights.

Are they doing Halloween 4?

This is true!

This is actual truth. After carrying this story, the Washington Post then

published this correction.

Trying to make out he was talking to two Bushes,

ex-President Bush and the other President Bush.

What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?

-That he doesn't have one.

-That's right.

-He doesn't do any.

-No.

He believes that in order to live longer

we should not do any exercise.

This is good news.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

According to the New Yorker...

Oh, God.

-This is the President of the United States.

-Yeah.

Finally, there's been some more shock news on the jobs front.

Anyone know who's resigned this week?

It's actually Marlene McGregory from Glasgow,

who's quit her job as a cleaner with this resignation letter.

IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Dear Mr MacGillivray.

"Notice of termination of employment.

"The job's crap and I'm leaving.

"I'll no' be back after June 30th.

"Cannae wait. Good luck in getting some other mug to clean your place.

"Cheerio, Marlene."

APPLAUSE

That was my off-the-cuff Scottish accent.

I didn't think this show would end up with me accusing you of racism.

LAUGHTER

Now, in other overseas news,

anyone want to say anything about the outcome of the French election?

No, I'm all right. Cheers.

Some people were surprised, weren't they?

-They thought it was going to be closer than it was.

-Yeah.

Yeah, well, the polls said that Macron would win and he did,

which is incredible...

LAUGHTER

..cos they haven't got anything right for years.

Emmanuel Macron has been elected President of France.

His new chief economic adviser is Jean Pisani-Ferry.

LAUGHTER

Which is also the traditional way to round off a booze cruise to Calais.

This, of course, is the controversial sacking

of FBI chief James Comey.

The decision to sack Mr Comey came from the very top -

Vladimir Putin.

Here's the next one.

-KIRSTY:

-Swearing is really, really good for you.

-Is it?

-Swear now.

-Oh, no. I couldn't possibly.

This is... Yeah, this is the news that swearing makes you stronger.

-Really?

-Now, what did scientists at Keele University

get people to do to test this?

-To do it when they were trying to open an avocado.

-No.

They got 29 people to pedal as fast as they could for 30 seconds...

-Yeah.

-..once while swearing and once while saying a neutral word.

They then did the same with 50 people squeezing a handgrip.

How much did the swearing boost performance? How much do you think?

-3%.

-Ooh, 9%.

-85.

-JOSH:

-24.

A fuck of a lot.

APPLAUSE

-Do you know what? I felt the strength.

-KIRSTY:

-Yeah.

-JOSH:

-It's like sitting next to Popeye.

They found that the grip strength of participants rose 8.2%

-whilst swearing.

-8.2, that's amazing.

Whilst cyclists produced...

What particular swear words were the participants asked to use

-for the experiment? JOSH:

-Oh, can we?

-KIRSTY:

-Oh, no.

-Yeah.

Can we? Damn.

-JOSH:

-I never thought I'd hear you say that on TV, Kirsty.

Is it...? It's not, it's not the big one, is it?

-What's the big one?

-No, I'm not going to tell you

what the big one is, David. My mum might be watching.

She MIGHT be watching? She's not that keen on you, then.

-KIRSTY:

-Are you going to say it, David?

-No, it didn't matter.

-It didn't matter.

-It didn't matter.

All participants were asked...

Whilst with a neutral word, participants were asked to use...

What other neutral words could there be?

Blancmange.

-Most words are fairly neutral.

-Yep.

Lib Dem.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

BUZZER

I don't know what this is,

but that's what they used to call a hobbyhorse, isn't it,

so this must be some sort of hobbyhorse racing?

-That's right.

-Is it?

-Yes.

This is the news that hobbyhorsing is the latest craze

to hit the Finnish teens.

Shall we have a look at a bit of hobbyhorsing?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Let's do it.

APPLAUSE

Now if a sport ever needed to be drug tested, it's that one.

Very bleak footage where one of them falls

and they have to put a curtain around the hobbyhorse.

Are there no horses in Finland?

No! It's actually estimated that

there are more than 10,000 people hobbyhorsing in Finland

-and 200 people...

-Who's estimated that, Diane Abbott?

LAUGHTER

200 people competed in the national championships recently.

What is the Finnish for hobbyhorse?

-IN FINNISH ACCENT:

-Hobbyhorse.

That's how much we know about Finland, isn't it?

It might be right.

Do you think Kirsty was ever in The Killing?

Let's have a quick game of Don't Be An Idiom.

What is the origin of the hobbyhorse?

I think it's before we had horses, wasn't it?

Because you wouldn't bother with that

if there was a real horse over there!

You wouldn't bother with a stick and stick his head on it, would you?

That would be perverse.

In the 1400s, it was a small horse,

-then it became a horse costume worn by Morris dancers.

-Yeah.

-KIRSTY:

-Bloody Morris dancers!

-Let's have a look.

There he is.

Does my arse look big in this?

What did a recent documentary reveal about hobbyhorsers?

That they're lonely?

The actual answer is they're not as mad as you think.

One said...

No.

Having said that, they do give their hobbyhorses names such as...

What would you call your hobbyhorse, Paul?

Mrs Williams.

Josh?

I didn't expect this. Erm...

-That's a rubbish name.

-I have to say,

Mrs Williams was only my second choice, I panicked.

-No, I'll go with I Didn't Expect This.

-I Didn't Expect This.

-Ian?

-Southern Rail Are Useless.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other young person news,

what unusual means of transport did one girl take

to get to her prom this week?

Hovercraft?

-Did she arrive on a...

-Magic unicorn.

..North Korean ballistic missile?

Which was faulty, only got as far as the bus depot.

Let's actually have a look.

CHEERING

-KIRSTY: I don't like that.

-No.

-JOSH:

-Oh, yep. If they'd crashed on the way...

This is the latest craze to hit Finland.

It's such an obsession with Finnish girls

that they are out on their hobbyhorses from dawn till dusk.

That's a whole hour. LAUGHTER

According to one enthusiast, hobbyhorsing has a feminist agenda,

especially if during a race

one of the other girls throws herself in front of your horse.

Now it's time for the Odd One Out round.

Li Liangwei, Reza Parastesh, Charlie Chaplin and Christopher Hayward.

BUZZER

Right, it's got to be lookalikes, I know that,

because the guy in the top left

is China's premier Donald Trump impersonator.

It makes you wonder, the people that turn up if he can't do the gig.

That's obviously Jeremy Corbyn. It's a very good look...

I'm assuming it's a lookalike of Jeremy Corbyn down there.

Charlie Chaplin, he had lookalikes cashing in on his fame

while he was making films, is it about lookalikes?

Which is the odd one out?

-Charlie Chaplin.

-Charlie Chaplin's the odd one out

cos he's not a lookalike of himself.

That's absolutely right.

They are all successful lookalikes apart from Charlie Chaplin,

who, despite inspiring countless lookalikes,

was originally told to change his trademark look

as it would never be a success.

Yeah. He had to get rid of his moustache in 1913...

-Who by?

-Hitler.

In a newly discovered letter

-written by bosses of the film studio Universal in 1912...

-Oh, '12.

..it suggested that Charlie Chaplin should lose his name

and his moustache and change his hat to a beret.

He didn't invent the costume until 1913,

so how was the letter written in 1912?

Well, maybe they were just looking at his act.

-Yeah, yeah, yes, I'll let it go.

-There was...

LAUGHTER

Being a lookalike can be a dangerous business,

as Iranian student Reza Parastesh found out this week.

Who is Reza the absolute spitting image of?

He's Lionel Messi.

Yes, that's the one.

It's Barcelona star football player Lionel Messi.

-It's uncanny.

-Unbelievable, that.

-KIRSTY:

-Amazing.

-JOSH:

-That's... That's just Lionel Messi!

He's going, "Do you know what? I bet I could make an extra £100

"as a lookalike of myself."

He looks so much like Messi,

he causes traffic chaos in his home city of Iran.

Reza's father takes his son's similarities to Messi to heart.

Anyone know what his father did when Messi scored a winning goal

against Iran in the 2014 World Cup?

-Threw him out of the house or something like that?

-Exactly right.

He banned him from the house. LAUGHTER

Having joined a lookalike agency, Reza Parastesh,

the Iranian Messi, is now getting a lot of bookings.

In fact, last week he was sent off.

Now, Li Liangwei is China's only Donald Trump impersonator.

So is he making a living from this?

Apparently. Now what criticism of his impersonation

does Li Liangwei agree with?

He doesn't look like him. He doesn't sound like him.

He makes no attempt to appear like him?

He doesn't even know who Donald Trump is?

He admits that he looks absolutely nothing like Donald Trump.

But what is the one aspect of Trump that Li thinks he's got down to a T?

Hand gestures? All the hand stuff.

It's actually Trump's thumbs up gesture,

which his agent says is spot-on.

Let's compare the two.

Now there isn't a single thing about him that looks like

the President of the United States, is there?

But unbelievably, that's what Donald Trump is.

LAUGHTER

Anyone want to see a Chinese pheasant

that looks more like Donald Trump

-than the Chinese Donald Trump lookalike?

-Yes, please.

-Um...

-yeah.

-Well, here it is.

APPLAUSE

Now, what links North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un

and an unobservant mum in Derby?

A refusal to watch ITV.

Jake tweeted this.

Here it is.

LAUGHTER

-JOSH:

-That is amazing.

-KIRSTY:

-That is hilarious.

Now it's time for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication Up Yer Kilt.

-Do you know this?

-No.

-I subscribe.

-Do you?

-JOSH:

-Page Three is harrowing.

Which is a Scottish metal-detecting magazine.

What are you going to find up there?

That's why you need a special detector.

And we start with...

Is it marry a supermodel?

-JOSH:

-Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The answer is...

Oh!

The Pope has appeared in a new film

which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next week.

The Pontiff's acting was praised

but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying

"Let there be lights, camera, action."

Next...

-JOSH:

-"Anything more fashionable than Crocs at funerals."

-KIRSTY:

-"Dead more fashionable than alive at funerals."

Mm-hm, that's a good one.

The actual answer is...

There's a growing trend for themed funerals.

Even football clubs are getting involved.

According to the Independent...

Plus a load of fans who turn up and shout, "Get it in the box!"

Next...

The hours, the loneliness...

The fact that you don't trust anybody...

Do they love you or just your collection of metal?

The actual answer is...

-Yes!

-KIRSTY:

-Oh, yes.

It's a real shame, every time they bury their differences,

some idiot digs them up again. LAUGHTER

Next...

-JOSH:

-Oh, it's the drum solo from the Dairy Milk advert.

-I was amazed at that.

-Yeah.

Actually, it's...

Here's a picture of the animal mid-performance

-in the Devonshire zoo. JOSH:

-Oh, wow.

Sadly this piece didn't actually feature in the Sun newspaper,

as they'd just sacked their gorilla expert.

Next...

"Ironically, I couldn't find my car keys."

-JOSH:

-Craig David misjudged the tone.

Oh.

That's not much of a Big Metal Detecting weekend to me!

Next...

-KIRSTY:

-"Woman fails driving test after ejecting."

-She pressed the eject button, did she?

-Yeah.

The actual answer is...

-Wow.

-This week, a learner driver from Birmingham was pulled over

by police and informed her instructor's car

was suspected of being uninsured.

The learner first realised something was wrong when the examiner said,

"I'd now like you to...

"PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND SHAKE OFF THE FILTH!"

Next...

-JOSH:

-Buried underground with no means of detecting them.

The actual answer is...

This is part of an Up Yer Kilt interview

with metal detectorist Stuart Gardner.

Stuart works as a postman,

the sort of person you'd expect to be good

at finding coins and valuables that people have carefully hidden away.

And finally...

-JOSH:

-"FBI chief dragged mercilessly offstage for doing his job

"mid-performance."

"Attention-seeking gorilla dragged mercilessly offstage

"for forgetting the words to Give Me A Man At Midnight mid-performance."

-I'd like to see that.

-So would I, have you got a clip for it?

Where do we look?

It's actually...

At the Pokemon World Festival, one Pikachu's costume started to deflate

midway through the big dance performance. Let's have a look.

MUSIC: You Can't Stop The Beat from Hairspray

-APPLAUSE

-Brilliant.

So the final scores are Paul and Kirsty with nine points,

and Ian and Josh with five points.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

No, you have. Very, very badly.

I'm very sorry!

I thought we could do it.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Josh, you have this.

"I didn't believe people that said dogs look like their owners."

-KIRSTY:

-"This doesn't look like my hobbyhorse."

Paul and Kirsty, you get this.

Oh, it's an open-and-shut case.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

Ian Hislop and Josh Widdicombe, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark -

and I leave you with news that Buckingham Palace denies reports

that Prince Philip's decision to retire from royal duties

may have been due to his failing eyesight.

As tensions rise on the border of North and South Korea,

Kim's troops line up every weapon available.

And as the number of avocado-related accidents increase,

there's also evidence of the terrible injuries

that can be inflicted when slicing a red pepper.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE