Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 4

Extended version of the satirical news quiz. Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host David Harewood and guest panellists Kirsty Wark and Josh Widdicombe.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong lanaguage

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm David Harewood.

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In the news this week, running late before a rally on the environment,

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Green Party leader Caroline Lucas rushes through the morning chores.

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LAUGHTER

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In London, Simon Cowell's butler admits he's getting a bit fed up

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with having to deal with his boss' cats.

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BELL RINGS

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LAUGHTER

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And after losing his job, Kelvin MacKenzie's week

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goes from bad to worse as he regrets leaving his tin of toffees

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out in the sun for too long.

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LAUGHTER

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Argh, jeez!

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LAUGHTER

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On Ian's team tonight, a writer and comedian

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who's won both Celebrity Pointless and Celebrity Mastermind.

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So obviously, he's very clever, for a celebrity.

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Please welcome Josh Widdicombe.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster

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who started out on BBC Radio Scotland.

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And the way things are going,

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she'll soon be back there as the BBC's foreign correspondent.

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Please welcome Kirsty Wark.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Josh, take a look at this.

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Bananas.

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That's Tim Farron on The Krypton Factor.

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That's the BBC's top political interviewers, there.

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And the reintroduction of grammar schools.

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That last one, is it that they're remaking Big, starring Theresa May?

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LAUGHTER

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It's going to be a great film, I can't wait for it.

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-It's the election, presumably?

-The election.

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This is the news that,

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fearing Kirsty would give her too easy a ride on Newsnight,

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Theresa May subjected herself to The One Show.

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Which member of Theresa's team was trusted to appear alongside her?

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It was her husband, Philip.

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It was a very kind of nervous...

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They were both kind of sat there kind of nervously.

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It was a bit like... I don't know if you've ever seen First Dates

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at the end when the couple have to sit together...

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-and they say whether they're going to go out again.

-Yes.

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-It was a very similar tension to that.

-It was!

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-It was, actually.

-I mean, it was obviously a tough interview.

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They went straight in with, "Do you like shoes?"

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, Alex and Matt, the grand inquistadores.

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LAUGHTER

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-Did she?

-Yes, she did like shoes,

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as long as they were strong and stable.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I mean, I would say it was sycophantic

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but that's just understating it.

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It managed to be both sort of grotesque and dull.

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LAUGHTER

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It's hard. That's hard.

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You'll gather I have no life and I watched all of it.

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Yes, the questions included how did they meet,

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does he like jackets or jumpers

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-and, "Who takes the bins out?"

-Yes.

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-It was him.

-That's right.

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-Philip takes the bins out.

-But I've never seen it

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because they've always got that kind of shot of Number Ten.

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You've never seen him just...

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LAUGHTER

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All those first drafts of her speeches...

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I wouldn't give him the job of putting the bins out.

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It looks like the bins have put him out.

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-LAUGHTER

-Poor devil.

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But I don't understand,

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you've got the Prime Minister on and the basis of the BBC line is,

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"We won't ask about politics...

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"..cos that would be unfair!"

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That's the Prime Minister!

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So what happens when Jeremy Corbyn comes on?

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He may like that.

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But, his partner's not going to go on with him.

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No, they can't do a cosy Mr and Mrs, because Mrs won't come on.

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So Diane Abbott will go on.

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LAUGHTER

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She'll have a problem with the figures, won't she?

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Is it The One Show, The Five Show?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Did you like the answer, Kirsty,

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that in life there are boys' jobs and girls' jobs?

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That was a focus group job, wasn't it?

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They've definitely done that for that audience, absolutely.

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He takes the bins out, she...

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-irons?

-I thought it was girls' jobs are being the Prime Minister...

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Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

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Boy's jobs - being in the City, making money.

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-Strong and stable.

-Strong and stable, yes.

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-Tie. No, he didn't wear a tie.

-He didn't wear a tie.

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Didn't wear a tie, extraordinary behaviour.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you hear Theresa's uplifting story

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about how she inspired a young woman to go into politics?

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-Yes, I did.

-Did you? Was it inspiring?

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It was. The young woman was inspired

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by Theresa's shoes to go into politics.

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She said, "The only reason I went into politics is your shoes."

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And that woman was Marine Le Pen.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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In fact, we can have a look at that clip right now.

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Just to tell you a little story,

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this happened about, I suppose, four or five years ago.

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I was in the lift in the House of Commons,

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and there was a young woman in the lift

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and I happened to look down and I said, "Oh, nice pair of shoes."

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And she said, "Oh, I like your shoes."

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And then she looked at me and said,

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"Your shoes got me involved in politics."

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And now... You know?

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LAUGHTER

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-It's as easy as that!

-It's as easy as that.

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What has Channel 4 News' Michael Crick

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alleged about Theresa May's campaign?

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It says a Conservative press officer has been refusing to allow questions

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to Theresa May, unless they have prior approval to speak.

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And this is in the Cabinet.

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LAUGHTER

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You're not suggesting the questions in Mrs May's meetings are planted?

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I'm not suggesting that at all.

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Who is, then?

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LAUGHTER

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Kirsty, have you been allowed to ask Mrs May a question?

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She keeps asking to come on, but we're being picky.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Other media outlets have said that they have had no such problems,

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but Theresa May was heard to accuse someone at a recent factory visit...

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They said, "No, this is a Biro factory."

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LAUGHTER

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You know, she's got a touch of the Trumps, touch of the Erdogans...

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..all kicking in.

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No, I think she's forgotten this is an election for Prime Minister,

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not life president and dictator.

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At least Jeremy Corbyn is prepared to meet people in the street.

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Did you see what happened in Leicester the other day?

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-No.

-Let's have a look.

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Your hair?

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, that's better.

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-Keep still.

-That one.

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Do you know what? If he takes him on The One Show, that will be amazing.

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Yes!

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-Is he curing the sick?

-LAUGHTER

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And another man said this to him...

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LAUGHTER

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"We met in the gents toilets."

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He said, "I like your shoes."

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Kirsty, who leaked the Labour Party manifesto to the BBC?

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Was it you?

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-LAUGHTER

-You see, there are people that say

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that actually it was a kind of stunt,

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because it would mean that it would come out and get a bit more play

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and then Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't have to launch it next week,

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the attention wouldn't all be on Jeremy Corbyn

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because it would be out there.

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I think they had to leak the Labour pledges early

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in case the Tories just stole all of them.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, they've done it with electricity,

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-they might have done a lot, really.

-But would they actually say

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-they would only use a nuclear deterrent with caution?

-Yeah.

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-That was an extraordinary one.

-Is that unreasonable?

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LAUGHTER

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It should have said... Cos it was a draft, if it just said,

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"We're going to be gung ho with nuclear deterrents."

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And then a little note by it, "Change this later."

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LAUGHTER

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-Shall we have a quiz about the 1970s?

-Absolutely.

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-Come on, let's do it.

-I am going to nail this(!)

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If it was the 1870s, you'd have more of a chance.

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Now, the 1870s, come on!

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Here we go.

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OK, fingers on buzzers, here's the first one.

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Here's the top five singles

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for the chart week in 1974,

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the last year when a socialist government was elected.

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Don't Stay Away Too Long!

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Do you remember these banging tunes? Does anyone remember these?

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-Every one of them.

-KIRSTY:

-Of course, Shang-A-Lang.

-JOSH:

-No.

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-When were you born?

-'83.

-Oh, right.

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Josh, you could almost be Macron's wife.

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The Wombles were at number five with Remember You're A Womble.

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Ian, can you name three more Womble songs?

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-Wombling Free.

-Yes.

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Uncle Bulgaria's Not In The EU Any More.

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-Have Yourself A Wombling Christmas.

-Yes!

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Yes, very, very good, that's one of them.

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-The other one is Wombling White Tie And Tails and Superwomble.

-Mm.

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Next, can you name any of the finalists

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in ITV's Best Dressed Man of 1974?

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-Oh!

-'74...

-JOSH:

-I imagine...

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Pol Pot.

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I will give you a clue.

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-Roger Moore.

-Yes!

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What did Roger Moore say about the future James Bond?

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-It's a girl's job.

-Did he...?

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No, that's not what he said. He said...

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I can tell you what, he's going to be neither,

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because I'm still in with a chance.

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APPLAUSE

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Next question, what's the name of this car?

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-BUZZER KIRSTY:

-Oh, a Jensen Interceptor.

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-Jensen Interceptor.

-It's not a Jensen Interceptor.

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-What is it, then?

-I'll give you a clue.

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-That's the quiz, I think.

-LAUGHTER

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-We've got to tell him.

-I'll give you a big clue.

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-Yeah, go on.

-It's got a Wankel rotary engine.

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It's got a what, sorry?

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It's a good job I did my warm up.

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It's got a Wankel rotary engine.

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-And that's a clue?

-Yeah.

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-Somebody out there is whispering it, I can hear it somewhere.

-Yes.

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Is there a Top Gear fan?

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AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT

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-NSU.

-KIRSTY:

-What?

-That's a clinic.

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It's a NSU Ro 80.

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Well done, that man.

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APPLAUSE

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-He knew.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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For an extra point, who presented the first-ever Top Gear in 1970s...?

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That bloke did, over there.

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Angela Rippon and Noel Edmonds.

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And why are they now in the news?

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Angela Rippon and Noel Edmonds?

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-Was it Noel Edmonds?

-It's Noel Edmonds.

-He's in the news.

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He wants lots of money,

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he's suing the banks for something like 30-odd million because...

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-Yep.

-They've defiled his reputation.

-Yep.

-That's right, he's...

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-JOSH:

-What, the guy at the end of the phone on Deal Or No Deal,

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-he's suing him?

-Not that banker, I think he's suing a real bank.

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-Oh, OK.

-KIRSTY:

-Yep.

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It is actually Noel Edmonds who is now suing Lloyds Banking Group

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-for 73 million quid.

-Oh, I thought it was 37.

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-Back to the present.

-Yeah.

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After the Labour Party's manifesto was leaked on Wednesday,

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many commentators agree it's a great shame to see all this Labour Party

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infighting during the election.

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I mean, come on, guys, it's your last one ever.

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LAUGHTER

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Would you like to see Diane Abbott

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explaining the number of seats lost by Labour

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-at last week's local elections?

-Yeah.

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And do you know the number of net losses so far for Labour?

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At the time of us doing this interview,

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I think the net losses were about 50.

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There are actually 125 net losses so far.

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Well, the last time I looked

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we had net losses of...

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-100. But obviously...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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Sounds a bit like a doctor checking for concussion.

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LAUGHTER

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Should ask her who the Prime Minister is.

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Er...

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I think I've got the wrong page.

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Ah, there it is.

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That's one of her lines.

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Did you see how Ed Miliband this week proved what an uphill struggle

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it is for Labour to keep the traditional working-class vote?

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-No.

-No.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, there's no clip, it was just a question.

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-KIRSTY:

-It's Pavlov's Dog.

-JOSH:

-Yes!

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That's a very modern thing, we have to look at a screen at all times.

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Did you see that? Did you see how hard...?

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Are you going to describe it or do it in modern dance or...?

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-No.

-He was actually in Doncaster

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where he met an MP and tried to chat to a few locals who were unimpressed

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and told the Sunday Times...

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LAUGHTER

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Now, the deadline has passed for people to be named

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as the party's chosen candidates.

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Why was there some delay over the official selection

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of Ukip candidate George Connolly

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for the Wyre Forest in Worcestershire?

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Was he...

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dead?

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Had he been nominated but not...? He couldn't find Paul Nuttall?

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Cos he was hiding after the election results.

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He was hiding, yes.

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Everyone kept saying, "Where's the leader of Ukip?"

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It's a great new book, it's like Where's Wally?

0:14:350:14:37

Where's The Leader Of Ukip?

0:14:370:14:40

Where's Nutty?

0:14:400:14:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Here's George's official photo.

-Yes.

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But a photograph purporting to be him

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has been circulating on social media.

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Now, many people have suggested that he lacks attention to detail,

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including someone called Vincent Graff who tweeted...

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Absolutely.

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This is obviously the election campaign and the fierce grilling

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of Mr and Mrs May on The One Show,

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so-called because it's the one show Theresa May's prepared to go on.

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LAUGHTER

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Mr and Mrs May met at university and have been together ever since.

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But, as we know, even though she's remained with him all this time,

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Theresa could change her mind and leave at any minute.

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LAUGHTER

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According to the Daily Mail...

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Corbyn doesn't want that.

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He'd have to sleep with Diane Abbott all over again.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Also this week, Amber Rudd told reporters that

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being Home Secretary was a bit like the TV series Homeland, saying...

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Hang on a minute, six series?

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They told me they stopped making it after they blew me up in series two.

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LAUGHTER

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Bastards!

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-Can't trust anybody.

-Paul and Kirsty, here's one for you.

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Yes. Avocado...

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-Avocado-gate.

-Avocado-gate, is it?

0:16:180:16:21

SIREN BLARES LAUGHTER

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Thanks for putting the sound on, I would have been confused

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as to what that vehicle was doing!

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Yes, it seems to be avocados are causing damage amongst people

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-in Great Britain, is that right?

-Yeah, there's been a lot of hands...

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-It's soft, it's soft, what's that?

-Hand problems, hand surgery.

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-Really?!

-Yes, lots of it.

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You'll never carve another avocado again.

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Those must be grim words to hear on a Friday night.

0:16:410:16:44

At last we've got a proper liberal, metropolitan story.

0:16:440:16:47

That guy from Doncaster's turned off, hasn't he?

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Exactly! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Well, poofs talking about fruit.

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LAUGHTER

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I bet someone's just turned on at that moment.

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently the injuries are greater at the weekends.

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In Glasgow, on a Saturday night when you go to A&E...

0:17:080:17:11

-Oh, yes, avocado, yeah.

-It's either...

0:17:110:17:13

"You'll have to get this one out, Doctor."

0:17:130:17:16

LAUGHTER

0:17:160:17:17

"Oh, Jesus Christ!

0:17:170:17:19

"That's the last time I talk about football, I tell you that much."

0:17:200:17:24

This is the shocking rise in avocado-related injuries.

0:17:240:17:27

-At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London...

-Chelsea!

0:17:270:17:31

LAUGHTER

0:17:310:17:32

-This is shocking!

-Chelsea, yeah.

0:17:320:17:34

It's a shocking rise.

0:17:340:17:36

-Shocking!

-At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London,

0:17:360:17:39

surgeon Mr Eccles said he now treats about four patients a week.

0:17:390:17:43

Though, disappointingly, he's never encountered an injury

0:17:430:17:46

from a cake filled with currants.

0:17:460:17:47

LAUGHTER

0:17:470:17:49

So what's the name given by A&E surgeons,

0:17:490:17:51

-to this avocado-related injury?

-Idiocy.

0:17:510:17:55

LAUGHTER

0:17:550:17:57

I think I know. It's avocado hand.

0:17:570:17:59

Very, very good - point there.

0:17:590:18:01

Avocado hand -

0:18:010:18:02

where amateur cooks have slashed their hand

0:18:020:18:04

trying to cut into the fruit and remove the stone.

0:18:040:18:07

It's like stigmata.

0:18:070:18:08

I think the Irish police will be round for you.

0:18:100:18:12

LAUGHTER

0:18:120:18:14

Walking round Glasgow on a Saturday night going, "Stigmata!"

0:18:140:18:17

They didn't get Stephen Fry, they'll get you.

0:18:200:18:24

Who can give us the definitive technique for safely de-stoning?

0:18:240:18:28

-Get somebody else to do it.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:280:18:32

According to David Shewring

0:18:320:18:33

-of the British Society of Surgery of the Hand...

-Yes.

0:18:330:18:37

-KIRSTY:

-I was right!

-Yeah.

0:18:440:18:46

Then you can use the towel to dry your tears as you realise

0:18:530:18:56

what an utter travesty of life your middle-class existence has become.

0:18:560:18:59

-Yes.

-It's very simple,

0:19:010:19:03

you cut the avocado...

0:19:030:19:05

-KIRSTY:

-Yep.

0:19:050:19:07

Yep, how do you get the stone out?

0:19:070:19:09

-JOSH:

-Hoover.

0:19:090:19:10

Guppy fish.

0:19:120:19:14

-JOSH:

-Guppy fish!

0:19:140:19:15

What does cafe owner Catherine Scott

0:19:150:19:17

think avocados should be accompanied by?

0:19:170:19:20

-A health warning.

-Yes.

0:19:200:19:21

Small children mustn't try this, you must be 18 to cut an avocado.

0:19:210:19:25

-JOSH:

-Like on cigarettes, pictures of avocado injuries.

0:19:250:19:28

-KIRSTY:

-Avocado hand.

0:19:280:19:29

-JOSH:

-Four out of five avocado eaters can't grip a joystick.

0:19:300:19:35

Why are you doing that?

0:19:370:19:38

-You can take Glasgow out of the girl...

-Finger loss.

0:19:410:19:44

Avocados should come with a health warning, that's right.

0:19:460:19:49

Catherine cut herself whilst slicing an avocado and said

0:19:490:19:51

she got no sympathy from her family.

0:19:510:19:53

-They're from Doncaster.

-They just...

0:19:550:19:57

LAUGHTER

0:19:590:20:01

APPLAUSE

0:20:010:20:03

But they soon stopped when she bashed them over the head

0:20:030:20:05

with her Brabantia pedal bin.

0:20:050:20:07

LAUGHTER

0:20:070:20:08

This of course is the dreadful news that more and more

0:20:080:20:11

middle-class people are injuring themselves preparing food,

0:20:110:20:14

especially avocados,

0:20:140:20:15

and that's just for starters.

0:20:150:20:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:170:20:19

-JOSH:

-That is a great joke!

0:20:190:20:21

And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit Of News.

0:20:260:20:29

Fingers on buzzers, please,

0:20:290:20:32

and here's the first one.

0:20:320:20:34

BUZZER

0:20:380:20:39

-Trump.

-He's excelled himself,

0:20:390:20:41

he's shocked even America,

0:20:410:20:43

by sacking a man who's investigating him.

0:20:430:20:45

-KIRSTY:

-Mr Comey's in trouble.

0:20:450:20:47

But he only knew he was in trouble

0:20:470:20:49

because he was actually attending an FBI staff meeting,

0:20:490:20:53

he was addressing the staff at an awayday,

0:20:530:20:55

and something came on the television behind that he'd been sacked.

0:20:550:20:58

And he said, "That's such a joke, you guys."

0:20:580:21:00

-JOSH:

-He thought he was being pranked?

0:21:000:21:02

-KIRSTY:

-Yeah, FBI director thought he was being pranked.

0:21:020:21:04

-Perhaps he should've just maintained that line.

-Yeah.

0:21:040:21:06

And then Trump said, "No, no, you're fired." "Oh!"

0:21:060:21:10

The FBI have an awayday?

0:21:100:21:12

-It helps them to bond together.

-Yeah.

-Group morale.

0:21:130:21:16

Mulder and Scully going through a kind of an assault course together.

0:21:160:21:19

-No, it's like his lot on Homeland.

-Yeah.

0:21:190:21:23

They go down to Centre Parcs.

0:21:230:21:25

It's quite shocking, isn't it?

0:21:250:21:27

It's doubly shocking because he's replaced him with Melania Trump.

0:21:270:21:30

LAUGHTER

0:21:300:21:32

No, she'd lock him up!

0:21:320:21:34

LAUGHTER

0:21:340:21:35

I have no evidence for that!

0:21:370:21:39

What was the official reason for the shock dismissal of James Comey?

0:21:420:21:45

Because he's bad at his job.

0:21:450:21:46

"He's so bad at his job that I am still the President."

0:21:460:21:49

"He's failed to catch me! How bad is he?"

0:21:520:21:55

What has Donald Trump written in his letter to James Comey?

0:21:570:21:59

-What did he write?

-Is that where he said, "You're terminated"?

0:21:590:22:02

-That's right.

-It's like being on The Apprentice, isn't it?

0:22:020:22:04

-He just said, "You're fired."

-Yeah. He said, "You're terminated."

0:22:040:22:07

He was mixing up his programmes.

0:22:070:22:08

-JOSH:

-And then James Comey got a wheelie suitcase

0:22:080:22:10

and had to walk out.

0:22:100:22:12

LAUGHTER

0:22:120:22:14

Had to sit in a taxi, and go, "I thought I did well, actually!"

0:22:140:22:18

LAUGHTER

0:22:180:22:19

And let's just remind ourselves of the President's signature.

0:22:210:22:24

Absolutely nothing unhinged in that.

0:22:250:22:27

If that was on a life-support machine

0:22:310:22:32

you'd be in trouble, wouldn't you?

0:22:320:22:34

LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:37

How did the White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer try to avoid

0:22:370:22:40

reporters' questions?

0:22:400:22:42

He hid in the bushes while he talked to some members of the press.

0:22:420:22:45

-Oh, you're kidding.

-Yeah. No, it's true.

0:22:450:22:47

They are completely nuts.

0:22:470:22:49

Sean Spicer actually hid in some bushes in the White House garden

0:22:500:22:54

and only agreed to answer questions

0:22:540:22:56

if the cameramen turned out their lights.

0:22:560:22:58

Are they doing Halloween 4?

0:23:010:23:02

This is true!

0:23:020:23:04

This is actual truth. After carrying this story, the Washington Post then

0:23:040:23:07

published this correction.

0:23:070:23:09

Trying to make out he was talking to two Bushes,

0:23:290:23:31

ex-President Bush and the other President Bush.

0:23:310:23:33

What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?

0:23:350:23:39

-That he doesn't have one.

-That's right.

0:23:390:23:41

-He doesn't do any.

-No.

0:23:410:23:42

He believes that in order to live longer

0:23:420:23:44

we should not do any exercise.

0:23:440:23:47

This is good news.

0:23:470:23:49

LAUGHTER

0:23:490:23:51

APPLAUSE

0:23:510:23:53

According to the New Yorker...

0:23:570:23:59

Oh, God.

0:24:100:24:12

-This is the President of the United States.

-Yeah.

0:24:120:24:14

Finally, there's been some more shock news on the jobs front.

0:24:140:24:17

Anyone know who's resigned this week?

0:24:170:24:19

It's actually Marlene McGregory from Glasgow,

0:24:190:24:21

who's quit her job as a cleaner with this resignation letter.

0:24:210:24:25

IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Dear Mr MacGillivray.

0:24:250:24:28

"Notice of termination of employment.

0:24:280:24:30

"The job's crap and I'm leaving.

0:24:300:24:32

"I'll no' be back after June 30th.

0:24:330:24:35

"Cannae wait. Good luck in getting some other mug to clean your place.

0:24:350:24:38

"Cheerio, Marlene."

0:24:380:24:40

APPLAUSE

0:24:400:24:42

That was my off-the-cuff Scottish accent.

0:24:450:24:47

I didn't think this show would end up with me accusing you of racism.

0:24:470:24:50

LAUGHTER

0:24:500:24:52

Now, in other overseas news,

0:24:540:24:56

anyone want to say anything about the outcome of the French election?

0:24:560:24:59

No, I'm all right. Cheers.

0:24:590:25:01

Some people were surprised, weren't they?

0:25:010:25:03

-They thought it was going to be closer than it was.

-Yeah.

0:25:030:25:05

Yeah, well, the polls said that Macron would win and he did,

0:25:050:25:09

which is incredible...

0:25:090:25:10

LAUGHTER

0:25:100:25:11

..cos they haven't got anything right for years.

0:25:110:25:13

Emmanuel Macron has been elected President of France.

0:25:130:25:16

His new chief economic adviser is Jean Pisani-Ferry.

0:25:160:25:20

LAUGHTER

0:25:200:25:23

Which is also the traditional way to round off a booze cruise to Calais.

0:25:230:25:26

This, of course, is the controversial sacking

0:25:280:25:31

of FBI chief James Comey.

0:25:310:25:33

The decision to sack Mr Comey came from the very top -

0:25:330:25:36

Vladimir Putin.

0:25:360:25:37

Here's the next one.

0:25:390:25:40

-KIRSTY:

-Swearing is really, really good for you.

-Is it?

0:25:460:25:49

-Swear now.

-Oh, no. I couldn't possibly.

0:25:490:25:51

This is... Yeah, this is the news that swearing makes you stronger.

0:25:510:25:55

-Really?

-Now, what did scientists at Keele University

0:25:550:25:57

get people to do to test this?

0:25:570:25:59

-To do it when they were trying to open an avocado.

-No.

0:25:590:26:02

They got 29 people to pedal as fast as they could for 30 seconds...

0:26:020:26:06

-Yeah.

-..once while swearing and once while saying a neutral word.

0:26:060:26:10

They then did the same with 50 people squeezing a handgrip.

0:26:100:26:13

How much did the swearing boost performance? How much do you think?

0:26:130:26:16

-3%.

-Ooh, 9%.

0:26:160:26:17

-85.

-JOSH:

-24.

0:26:170:26:19

A fuck of a lot.

0:26:190:26:21

APPLAUSE

0:26:220:26:26

-Do you know what? I felt the strength.

-KIRSTY:

-Yeah.

0:26:260:26:28

-JOSH:

-It's like sitting next to Popeye.

0:26:280:26:30

They found that the grip strength of participants rose 8.2%

0:26:320:26:36

-whilst swearing.

-8.2, that's amazing.

0:26:360:26:39

Whilst cyclists produced...

0:26:390:26:41

What particular swear words were the participants asked to use

0:26:440:26:47

-for the experiment? JOSH:

-Oh, can we?

-KIRSTY:

-Oh, no.

-Yeah.

0:26:470:26:49

Can we? Damn.

0:26:490:26:50

-JOSH:

-I never thought I'd hear you say that on TV, Kirsty.

0:26:520:26:55

Is it...? It's not, it's not the big one, is it?

0:26:550:26:58

-What's the big one?

-No, I'm not going to tell you

0:26:590:27:01

what the big one is, David. My mum might be watching.

0:27:010:27:05

She MIGHT be watching? She's not that keen on you, then.

0:27:050:27:08

-KIRSTY:

-Are you going to say it, David?

-No, it didn't matter.

0:27:080:27:11

-It didn't matter.

-It didn't matter.

0:27:110:27:12

All participants were asked...

0:27:120:27:14

Whilst with a neutral word, participants were asked to use...

0:27:160:27:20

What other neutral words could there be?

0:27:230:27:25

Blancmange.

0:27:250:27:27

-Most words are fairly neutral.

-Yep.

0:27:290:27:31

Lib Dem.

0:27:310:27:32

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

0:27:340:27:36

BUZZER

0:27:410:27:42

I don't know what this is,

0:27:420:27:43

but that's what they used to call a hobbyhorse, isn't it,

0:27:430:27:46

so this must be some sort of hobbyhorse racing?

0:27:460:27:48

-That's right.

-Is it?

-Yes.

0:27:480:27:50

This is the news that hobbyhorsing is the latest craze

0:27:500:27:53

to hit the Finnish teens.

0:27:530:27:55

Shall we have a look at a bit of hobbyhorsing?

0:27:550:27:57

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Let's do it.

0:27:570:27:59

APPLAUSE

0:28:100:28:12

Now if a sport ever needed to be drug tested, it's that one.

0:28:120:28:16

Very bleak footage where one of them falls

0:28:180:28:20

and they have to put a curtain around the hobbyhorse.

0:28:200:28:22

Are there no horses in Finland?

0:28:240:28:26

No! It's actually estimated that

0:28:260:28:28

there are more than 10,000 people hobbyhorsing in Finland

0:28:280:28:31

-and 200 people...

-Who's estimated that, Diane Abbott?

0:28:310:28:33

LAUGHTER

0:28:330:28:37

200 people competed in the national championships recently.

0:28:380:28:42

What is the Finnish for hobbyhorse?

0:28:420:28:44

-IN FINNISH ACCENT:

-Hobbyhorse.

0:28:440:28:46

That's how much we know about Finland, isn't it?

0:28:490:28:51

It might be right.

0:28:510:28:52

Do you think Kirsty was ever in The Killing?

0:28:520:28:55

Let's have a quick game of Don't Be An Idiom.

0:28:560:28:59

What is the origin of the hobbyhorse?

0:28:590:29:02

I think it's before we had horses, wasn't it?

0:29:020:29:05

Because you wouldn't bother with that

0:29:050:29:07

if there was a real horse over there!

0:29:070:29:08

You wouldn't bother with a stick and stick his head on it, would you?

0:29:080:29:12

That would be perverse.

0:29:120:29:13

In the 1400s, it was a small horse,

0:29:130:29:16

-then it became a horse costume worn by Morris dancers.

-Yeah.

0:29:160:29:19

-KIRSTY:

-Bloody Morris dancers!

-Let's have a look.

0:29:190:29:22

There he is.

0:29:220:29:23

Does my arse look big in this?

0:29:230:29:25

What did a recent documentary reveal about hobbyhorsers?

0:29:270:29:30

That they're lonely?

0:29:310:29:33

The actual answer is they're not as mad as you think.

0:29:330:29:36

One said...

0:29:370:29:38

No.

0:29:410:29:43

Having said that, they do give their hobbyhorses names such as...

0:29:500:29:53

What would you call your hobbyhorse, Paul?

0:29:550:29:57

Mrs Williams.

0:29:570:29:59

Josh?

0:30:000:30:02

I didn't expect this. Erm...

0:30:020:30:04

-That's a rubbish name.

-I have to say,

0:30:040:30:06

Mrs Williams was only my second choice, I panicked.

0:30:060:30:09

-No, I'll go with I Didn't Expect This.

-I Didn't Expect This.

0:30:090:30:13

-Ian?

-Southern Rail Are Useless.

0:30:130:30:15

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:150:30:18

In other young person news,

0:30:220:30:23

what unusual means of transport did one girl take

0:30:230:30:26

to get to her prom this week?

0:30:260:30:28

Hovercraft?

0:30:280:30:29

-Did she arrive on a...

-Magic unicorn.

0:30:290:30:31

..North Korean ballistic missile?

0:30:310:30:33

Which was faulty, only got as far as the bus depot.

0:30:350:30:38

Let's actually have a look.

0:30:380:30:40

CHEERING

0:30:470:30:49

-KIRSTY: I don't like that.

-No.

0:30:510:30:53

-JOSH:

-Oh, yep. If they'd crashed on the way...

0:30:530:30:56

This is the latest craze to hit Finland.

0:30:580:31:00

It's such an obsession with Finnish girls

0:31:000:31:03

that they are out on their hobbyhorses from dawn till dusk.

0:31:030:31:05

That's a whole hour. LAUGHTER

0:31:050:31:08

According to one enthusiast, hobbyhorsing has a feminist agenda,

0:31:110:31:14

especially if during a race

0:31:140:31:16

one of the other girls throws herself in front of your horse.

0:31:160:31:19

Now it's time for the Odd One Out round.

0:31:200:31:23

Li Liangwei, Reza Parastesh, Charlie Chaplin and Christopher Hayward.

0:31:230:31:28

BUZZER

0:31:280:31:29

Right, it's got to be lookalikes, I know that,

0:31:290:31:32

because the guy in the top left

0:31:320:31:33

is China's premier Donald Trump impersonator.

0:31:330:31:36

It makes you wonder, the people that turn up if he can't do the gig.

0:31:360:31:40

That's obviously Jeremy Corbyn. It's a very good look...

0:31:410:31:44

I'm assuming it's a lookalike of Jeremy Corbyn down there.

0:31:440:31:46

Charlie Chaplin, he had lookalikes cashing in on his fame

0:31:460:31:50

while he was making films, is it about lookalikes?

0:31:500:31:52

Which is the odd one out?

0:31:520:31:54

-Charlie Chaplin.

-Charlie Chaplin's the odd one out

0:31:540:31:56

cos he's not a lookalike of himself.

0:31:560:31:58

That's absolutely right.

0:31:580:31:59

They are all successful lookalikes apart from Charlie Chaplin,

0:31:590:32:02

who, despite inspiring countless lookalikes,

0:32:020:32:05

was originally told to change his trademark look

0:32:050:32:07

as it would never be a success.

0:32:070:32:08

Yeah. He had to get rid of his moustache in 1913...

0:32:080:32:11

-Who by?

-Hitler.

0:32:110:32:12

In a newly discovered letter

0:32:150:32:17

-written by bosses of the film studio Universal in 1912...

-Oh, '12.

0:32:170:32:20

..it suggested that Charlie Chaplin should lose his name

0:32:200:32:23

and his moustache and change his hat to a beret.

0:32:230:32:26

He didn't invent the costume until 1913,

0:32:280:32:30

so how was the letter written in 1912?

0:32:300:32:32

Well, maybe they were just looking at his act.

0:32:320:32:34

-Yeah, yeah, yes, I'll let it go.

-There was...

0:32:340:32:38

LAUGHTER

0:32:380:32:40

Being a lookalike can be a dangerous business,

0:32:400:32:42

as Iranian student Reza Parastesh found out this week.

0:32:420:32:46

Who is Reza the absolute spitting image of?

0:32:460:32:49

He's Lionel Messi.

0:32:490:32:50

Yes, that's the one.

0:32:500:32:51

It's Barcelona star football player Lionel Messi.

0:32:510:32:54

-It's uncanny.

-Unbelievable, that.

-KIRSTY:

-Amazing.

0:32:540:32:57

-JOSH:

-That's... That's just Lionel Messi!

0:32:570:33:01

He's going, "Do you know what? I bet I could make an extra £100

0:33:010:33:04

"as a lookalike of myself."

0:33:040:33:06

He looks so much like Messi,

0:33:060:33:07

he causes traffic chaos in his home city of Iran.

0:33:070:33:10

Reza's father takes his son's similarities to Messi to heart.

0:33:100:33:13

Anyone know what his father did when Messi scored a winning goal

0:33:130:33:16

against Iran in the 2014 World Cup?

0:33:160:33:19

-Threw him out of the house or something like that?

-Exactly right.

0:33:190:33:21

He banned him from the house. LAUGHTER

0:33:210:33:25

Having joined a lookalike agency, Reza Parastesh,

0:33:320:33:35

the Iranian Messi, is now getting a lot of bookings.

0:33:350:33:38

In fact, last week he was sent off.

0:33:380:33:40

Now, Li Liangwei is China's only Donald Trump impersonator.

0:33:420:33:45

So is he making a living from this?

0:33:450:33:47

Apparently. Now what criticism of his impersonation

0:33:470:33:50

does Li Liangwei agree with?

0:33:500:33:52

He doesn't look like him. He doesn't sound like him.

0:33:520:33:54

He makes no attempt to appear like him?

0:33:540:33:56

He doesn't even know who Donald Trump is?

0:33:580:34:01

He admits that he looks absolutely nothing like Donald Trump.

0:34:010:34:04

But what is the one aspect of Trump that Li thinks he's got down to a T?

0:34:040:34:08

Hand gestures? All the hand stuff.

0:34:080:34:10

It's actually Trump's thumbs up gesture,

0:34:100:34:13

which his agent says is spot-on.

0:34:130:34:15

Let's compare the two.

0:34:190:34:21

Now there isn't a single thing about him that looks like

0:34:220:34:24

the President of the United States, is there?

0:34:240:34:27

But unbelievably, that's what Donald Trump is.

0:34:270:34:29

LAUGHTER

0:34:300:34:32

Anyone want to see a Chinese pheasant

0:34:320:34:34

that looks more like Donald Trump

0:34:340:34:36

-than the Chinese Donald Trump lookalike?

-Yes, please.

-Um...

0:34:360:34:38

-yeah.

-Well, here it is.

0:34:380:34:40

APPLAUSE

0:34:430:34:47

Now, what links North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un

0:34:470:34:50

and an unobservant mum in Derby?

0:34:500:34:53

A refusal to watch ITV.

0:34:530:34:56

Jake tweeted this.

0:34:560:34:58

Here it is.

0:35:060:35:07

LAUGHTER

0:35:070:35:09

-JOSH:

-That is amazing.

-KIRSTY:

-That is hilarious.

0:35:110:35:14

Now it's time for the Missing Words round,

0:35:140:35:16

which this week features as its guest publication Up Yer Kilt.

0:35:160:35:19

-Do you know this?

-No.

-I subscribe.

-Do you?

0:35:220:35:25

-JOSH:

-Page Three is harrowing.

0:35:260:35:28

Which is a Scottish metal-detecting magazine.

0:35:320:35:36

What are you going to find up there?

0:35:360:35:38

That's why you need a special detector.

0:35:420:35:45

And we start with...

0:35:450:35:46

Is it marry a supermodel?

0:35:500:35:52

-JOSH:

-Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?

0:35:530:35:55

LAUGHTER

0:35:550:35:57

APPLAUSE

0:35:590:36:02

The answer is...

0:36:020:36:06

Oh!

0:36:060:36:07

The Pope has appeared in a new film

0:36:070:36:09

which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next week.

0:36:090:36:12

The Pontiff's acting was praised

0:36:120:36:14

but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying

0:36:140:36:17

"Let there be lights, camera, action."

0:36:170:36:21

Next...

0:36:210:36:23

-JOSH:

-"Anything more fashionable than Crocs at funerals."

0:36:250:36:29

-KIRSTY:

-"Dead more fashionable than alive at funerals."

0:36:290:36:32

Mm-hm, that's a good one.

0:36:320:36:33

The actual answer is...

0:36:330:36:36

There's a growing trend for themed funerals.

0:36:380:36:42

Even football clubs are getting involved.

0:36:420:36:44

According to the Independent...

0:36:440:36:45

Plus a load of fans who turn up and shout, "Get it in the box!"

0:36:500:36:53

Next...

0:36:550:36:57

The hours, the loneliness...

0:36:590:37:02

The fact that you don't trust anybody...

0:37:020:37:04

Do they love you or just your collection of metal?

0:37:040:37:06

The actual answer is...

0:37:060:37:08

-Yes!

-KIRSTY:

-Oh, yes.

0:37:110:37:13

It's a real shame, every time they bury their differences,

0:37:130:37:16

some idiot digs them up again. LAUGHTER

0:37:160:37:19

Next...

0:37:190:37:20

-JOSH:

-Oh, it's the drum solo from the Dairy Milk advert.

0:37:240:37:27

-I was amazed at that.

-Yeah.

0:37:290:37:31

Actually, it's...

0:37:310:37:33

Here's a picture of the animal mid-performance

0:37:330:37:36

-in the Devonshire zoo. JOSH:

-Oh, wow.

0:37:360:37:38

Sadly this piece didn't actually feature in the Sun newspaper,

0:37:380:37:41

as they'd just sacked their gorilla expert.

0:37:410:37:43

Next...

0:37:460:37:48

"Ironically, I couldn't find my car keys."

0:37:510:37:53

-JOSH:

-Craig David misjudged the tone.

0:37:550:37:58

Oh.

0:38:040:38:06

That's not much of a Big Metal Detecting weekend to me!

0:38:060:38:09

Next...

0:38:090:38:10

-KIRSTY:

-"Woman fails driving test after ejecting."

0:38:120:38:16

-She pressed the eject button, did she?

-Yeah.

0:38:160:38:18

The actual answer is...

0:38:180:38:20

-Wow.

-This week, a learner driver from Birmingham was pulled over

0:38:240:38:27

by police and informed her instructor's car

0:38:270:38:29

was suspected of being uninsured.

0:38:290:38:32

The learner first realised something was wrong when the examiner said,

0:38:320:38:35

"I'd now like you to...

0:38:350:38:36

"PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND SHAKE OFF THE FILTH!"

0:38:360:38:38

Next...

0:38:420:38:44

-JOSH:

-Buried underground with no means of detecting them.

0:38:460:38:49

The actual answer is...

0:38:510:38:54

This is part of an Up Yer Kilt interview

0:38:560:39:00

with metal detectorist Stuart Gardner.

0:39:000:39:02

Stuart works as a postman,

0:39:020:39:04

the sort of person you'd expect to be good

0:39:040:39:06

at finding coins and valuables that people have carefully hidden away.

0:39:060:39:09

And finally...

0:39:120:39:15

-JOSH:

-"FBI chief dragged mercilessly offstage for doing his job

0:39:170:39:21

"mid-performance."

0:39:210:39:23

"Attention-seeking gorilla dragged mercilessly offstage

0:39:230:39:26

"for forgetting the words to Give Me A Man At Midnight mid-performance."

0:39:260:39:31

-I'd like to see that.

-So would I, have you got a clip for it?

0:39:310:39:34

Where do we look?

0:39:340:39:36

It's actually...

0:39:360:39:38

At the Pokemon World Festival, one Pikachu's costume started to deflate

0:39:420:39:47

midway through the big dance performance. Let's have a look.

0:39:470:39:50

MUSIC: You Can't Stop The Beat from Hairspray

0:39:500:39:52

-APPLAUSE

-Brilliant.

0:40:110:40:13

So the final scores are Paul and Kirsty with nine points,

0:40:130:40:17

and Ian and Josh with five points.

0:40:170:40:20

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:40:200:40:22

No, you have. Very, very badly.

0:40:220:40:24

I'm very sorry!

0:40:240:40:25

I thought we could do it.

0:40:270:40:29

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:290:40:33

Ian and Josh, you have this.

0:40:330:40:37

"I didn't believe people that said dogs look like their owners."

0:40:370:40:40

-KIRSTY:

-"This doesn't look like my hobbyhorse."

0:40:420:40:46

Paul and Kirsty, you get this.

0:40:460:40:48

Oh, it's an open-and-shut case.

0:40:490:40:51

APPLAUSE

0:40:530:40:55

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

0:40:560:40:58

Ian Hislop and Josh Widdicombe, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark -

0:40:580:41:01

and I leave you with news that Buckingham Palace denies reports

0:41:010:41:04

that Prince Philip's decision to retire from royal duties

0:41:040:41:07

may have been due to his failing eyesight.

0:41:070:41:09

As tensions rise on the border of North and South Korea,

0:41:140:41:17

Kim's troops line up every weapon available.

0:41:170:41:20

And as the number of avocado-related accidents increase,

0:41:230:41:27

there's also evidence of the terrible injuries

0:41:270:41:29

that can be inflicted when slicing a red pepper.

0:41:290:41:31

Goodnight.

0:41:340:41:36

APPLAUSE

0:41:360:41:38

Extended version of the satirical news quiz. Regular team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host David Harewood and guest panellists Kirsty Wark and Josh Widdicombe.