Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Frankie Boyle. In the news this week, in central London,

BBC arts editor Will Gompertz struggles with

the weight of his massive frontal lobe.

In Durham, Mike Ashley regrets getting a zero-hours worker

from Sports Direct to set up his water slide.

And, having been home for almost a year, there are signs that

astronaut Tim Peake is still struggling to adapt to normal life.

On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian

who performs in a Radio Wales sketch show,

Die Laughing...is the name of the producer.

Please welcome Cariad Lloyd.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

And with Paul tonight is Gyles Brandreth,

a friend of Prince Philip.

Philip says the friendship has helped him to welcome old age,

as he's looking forward to forgetting who Gyles is.

Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Cariad, take a look at this.

Tim Farron, it's the manifesto.

Theresa May, that's another manifesto.

Corbyn, that's dead.

That's the last Labour voter he's talking to.

-Everyone's released their manifestos.

-It's manifesto week -

like Fashion Week but less interesting.

At least the manifestos have come out,

cos they were dripping out one boring policy a day.

Like a kind of diabetic advent calendar.

You see things in such positive terms, Frankie.

That is one of my more positive jokes.

Theresa May, with that fake photo that they had, the bus,

a huge crowd of people, there was actually about 30 people,

outside the bus that was used on the Remain campaign -

-it's got the same number plate. Did you know that?

-Well, excellent.

Recycling!

She's got the Ukip vote, she's got the Labour vote,

she's got the Green vote, now!

-I'll give her that.

-Do manifestos have much point?

British people generally vote for leaders, don't they?

At the moment, they're going,

"Who would lead us if we are all stranded on a desert island?"

and they know that Theresa May

would have us eating the wounded by nightfall.

And Corbyn would be hosting a two-hour meeting

about whether or not coconuts have feelings.

Isn't the argument that a lot of Theresa May's policies

are Ed Miliband's old policies?

Theresa Miliband.

Who is this appalling Marxist?

-Chairman May.

-Chairman May!

I've stood in two elections. And...

Really, Gyles...?

I have to tell you, I've not met a member of the voting public

who has ever read a manifesto.

I certainly didn't trouble myself.

Feeling that the broad brush approach is what we need,

and I think that's really... If I were Theresa May,

I would not have bothered with this.

She's got a very good "strong and stable government", lovely line,

nobody out there ever reads the manifesto.

Gyles, you went round a few doors, knocked on them, and, quite rightly,

the people pretended not to be in.

Including, sadly, your own house.

I would put it to you, Gyles,

saying "strong and stable" over and over again

isn't a strong and stable thing to do.

So, you know...

APPLAUSE

I'm sure you watched the build-up to the Anthony Joshua-Klitschko fight.

Watched it? I lived it!

He was in one of the supporting bouts.

They were incredibly eloquent in the build-up to that fight.

It wasn't like a normal fight, they didn't trash talk each other,

they were both very articulate guys.

That's a better quality of debate than we've had in the election.

I mean, you, then, obviously, would have enjoyed the election when

we had the Deputy Prime Minister hitting people in the street?

That's your kind of election, do you remember?

Remember when Labour could win an election

after one of them punched a member of the public?!

LAUGHTER

This is why, really, a manifesto is not necessary,

because the odds seem to be in Mrs May's favour.

She also has that lovely husband. So they're a marvellous double act.

She has a lovely husband?

So why does she keep bringing out this one, then?

Why is she doing so well, May?

Have you seen the opposition, Frankie?

I don't think anybody has.

Theresa May looks like if the colour grey didn't care

if you lived or died.

APPLAUSE

Again, I think she's trying to extend her appeal beyond...

you.

OK, there was bad news and good news for the elderly needing care

-in their own home.

-Oh, yeah.

-What was it?

-CARIAD:

-The value of your house will now be taken into account...

when it comes to working out whether you deserve...

whether you can be eligible for social care.

-GYLES:

-You can keep £100,000 worth of your house.

What house is worth... Especially in London, literally, that is a shed.

Like...

This programme goes out to other regions.

-GYLES:

-The essence of it is social care will be paid somehow,

and it's going to be paid for by your house, in the long term.

You and your partner can live in the house while you're alive,

but the moment you are dead, out, out!

And let's sell the house and bring the money in,

that's the essence of it.

Is it another of those policies that presumably are going to really worry

some of the papers who'd like to support Mrs May,

it's an attack on old, rich people. Which, on the whole...

This is why we should have stuck with strong and stable.

..they vote Conservative.

Sorry, Gyles, we can't both talk together.

No, no...

It's a coalition of chaos.

-I'm simply trying to talk over you.

-Oh. Right!

Sensible candidates spend a lot of time in the old folks home,

because there the people are, waiting to meet you,

lined up against the wall, gazing in the same direction...

LAUGHTER

And you come with a local photographer, you come after lunch,

they're dozing fitfully,

you position yourself halfway down the line.

When the photographer is ready, you go... They wake up, eyes open.

Photograph is taken. There you are, you've visited the old people.

Broad brush. Strong and stable government.

Fingers on buzzers.

Let's see if you can tell me what revealing answers Theresa May

gave to a series of quickfire questions

put to her by the Sunday Times.

Question was Sherlock or Midsomer Murders?

-BELL

-She likes both.

"I've watched both."

She's not stupid, you know.

Broadchurch or Line Of Duty?

BELL

Both.

Neither.

"I haven't watched either." Merkel or Macron?

BELL

Both, "I'm looking forward to working with them."

Almost exactly that.

I could be a politician, it's incredibly easy.

I mean, even Gyles did it...

The Daily Telegraph made a similar attempt to make her appear human

and normal, by asking her which Harry Potter character

she most resembled. BUZZER

She has read, she claims, all the Harry Potter books.

I don't know if she's seen the movies, but she wouldn't

be drawn on which one she wanted to be...

-CARIAD:

-She's Malfoy and she knows it.

She's not Malfoy.

Those are the posh boys she's just replaced.

She's maybe Thatcher's final horcrux.

-I'd watch that.

-What she replied was...

I'm sure she does read them -

over a Tannoy into a dungeon.

Theresa May is sticking to her pledge to reduce immigration

to below 100,000. Why is this surprising?

BUZZER

It's surprising because the pledge has been made twice before

and has been not successful before.

And it's almost impossible to achieve

and do we really want to achieve it anyway,

because the country would grind to a halt if we didn't

have people from overseas to do all the jobs we don't want to do.

You really HAVEN'T read the Tory manifesto!

It's tens of thousands, it's meant to be down to.

-CARIAD:

-Which isn't possible.

-Not hundreds.

Below 100,000 was her target she failed to meet six times

when she was Home Secretary.

The Evening Standard described her decision as...

That's pretty good, coming from Osborne!

How did Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry

liven up the Andrew Marr Show?

BELL Let's have a look.

There's an election on and people need to make decisions...

You received them...

You've just said, for example,

that I want to negotiate the future of the Falklands.

That is bollocks.

It was like the way Les Dawson used to do it.

"Bollocks."

Unite boss Len McCluskey had some encouraging words for Jeremy Corbyn,

what were they? BUZZER

He said, we haven't got a chance. He said, we have 200 seats left,

that'll be it, we won't win, we've got no chance at all.

He said 200 seats would be Labour's worst result since 1935,

and that would be regarded as a success for Jeremy Corbyn.

But then he said he had changed his mind and became much more

optimistic now that he had seen the manifesto.

Although it turns out the previous conversation happened

after the manifesto had been published.

This is the mistake, you see, politicians make -

saying anything at all.

You seem to be saying "don't say anything" at incredible length.

APPLAUSE

There is a reason for that...

There is a reason for that.

The last time I appeared on the show,

I didn't actually appear in the 30-minute version at all.

So I thought this time, I would chip in now and again and hope...

Every time it cut to Gyles,

they would just show a picture of tropical fish.

What did Diane Abbott opt to do when the time came for

her weekly display of incompetence? BUZZER

-Is this when she walked into the wall?

-Yes, she did.

After concluding her speech at the Police Federation's annual

conference, she made her exit while we look here.

Diane Abbott. Thank you very much indeed.

LAUGHTER

-GYLES:

-Aw.

I have...a genuine sympathy with her.

She is my sort of politician. She can't remember numbers...

-What, you mean...?

-..she walks into brick walls...

It is slightly unfair, isn't it?

Diane Abbott makes a mistake about police numbers, completely hopeless,

can't remember it, meant to be Shadow Home Secretary.

Theresa May was Home Secretary, said she would bring immigration down

to the tens of thousands and never did, for years.

And now it's 300,000.

I mean, that's 300,000 as opposed to 10,000.

It's a pretty major mess-up with figures.

And she has now said, I may have never done before,

but now, I am going to do it.

The aspiration continues.

-Yes, believe me.

-Absolutely.

This is why these manifestos...

We are just proving it, time and again.

Don't get bogged down in the figures.

Broad brush, that's what we want.

What was wrong with the design

of Labour candidate Roger Godsiff's campaign leaflet?

Did he misspell the constituency, or his own name?

-It was beyond that.

-Beyond that?

-Shall we have a wee look?

"Unwanted, unnecessary and opportunistic."

You asked for honesty from your politicians.

Anything else catch your eye in the various manifestos?

They're full of good ideas -

unlike Gyles, I thought they were terrific.

They're a lot of the same ideas.

This is cos we're all now, broadly speaking, in the middle ground.

Little Tim Farron, looking like Daddy Woodentop.

He's allowing us to get high on the weed, that's lovely.

-CARIAD:

-Somebody make a gif of that immediately -

Gyles Brandreth going "high on the weed."

I've kind of got addicted to watching Tim Farron.

He's incredible.

He's like a sort of trendy vicar.

"OK, we're having a meeting at the youth club tomorrow,

"we're going to have a workshop on how to act normal around gays."

Did anyone see the BBC's Ben Brown

cup a woman's breast while talking to Norman Smith on Tuesday?

-No.

-Let's have a look.

Already, there's some uncertainty

about what he was saying on benefits.

-WOMAN:

-Absolutely fantastic.

Just give us one second.

Jeremy Corbyn was asked whether he would end the freeze...

And the BBC has spent years

trying to get away from this kind of thing.

-This is the...

-Can I say, this is...?

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the ongoing election campaign.

Revealing that she's a diabetic,

Theresa May has admitted she injects five times a day.

She really is going for that Scottish vote, isn't she?

As a father, I'll tell you what's a vote winner -

cutting paternity leave.

Paul and Gyles, take a look at this, please.

Yes, this is a hospital...

The computer's going down, he's very angry about it.

There is the evil villain that's been making it all happen,

somebody who can't afford their electricity bill.

-So, hackers. Anonymous hackers.

-It's the hackers.

-Are they anonymous?

I don't know where they're from.

We do know where they're from. They are from North Korea.

-It turns out.

-Has that been proven?

-Not totally proven.

But they're not going to sue me, so...

I think it probably is North Korea, there is something...

LAUGHTER

Something in the code, when it was un-hacked,

indicated it might have been from North Korea.

-CARIAD:

-Gyles, you know way too much about this.

I think you were involved.

-GYLES:

-Only because I did chair the Cyber Security Awards,

quite recently. I can't tell you where, or when...

Is that security or Alzheimer's?

Do you know what the virus was called?

It was called WannaCry.

It demands money before you can get your computer files back.

It was all in BRIT-coins as well.

-Bitcoins.

-Bitcoins.

No, no, we've left the European market. Britcoins!

There's been a sort of failure of the government, here, hasn't there?

They were warned at least three years ago that XP needed updating.

But the trouble with the NHS, it spent a lot of money on IT already -

about 12 billion - for a system that didn't work,

so essentially it doesn't have any money left,

so they didn't pay for the update.

This, what happened to the NHS computers,

happened in lots of countries to many, computer systems.

But didn't it only happen because

we've not upgraded the security properly,

we've been running the NHS on Windows XP so people

have probably been told that they're dying by a helpful paperclip.

I like the idea that as a hacker,

you would target, for a ransom, the NHS.

One of the few world organisations you know doesn't have any money.

Probably given Jeremy Hunt some ideas

about how to get money out of it!

What must it be like being Jeremy Hunt at the moment?

Imagine he goes into hospital,

he'd be the first person to have a sprained wrist treated anally.

"Sorry, Mr Hunt, this is going to involve a bit of a run-up."

"Luckily, our computers are down,

"so there's no record of what's about to happen to you."

This bit of malware was stolen

from the American National Security Association. Which is a misnomer!

I think President Trump gave it away.

As a gesture of goodwill towards the...

-Russians.

-..North Koreans.

But a young man, a 20-year-old, managed to solve it all by chance.

Yes.

Do you know who he was and what happened?

I do, but I'm not able to divulge that to you.

Well, he is a 22-year-old reclusive IT consultant called Marcus,

who lives in Devon.

Do you know how he managed to disarm the sophisticated...?

Yes, he bought something using his own computer, actually,

from Amazon, for £25, and inserted this programme and somehow by

chance, it solved everything.

Which is perhaps worrying, because as a result of this,

the North Korean rockets may take off...

And the world may come to an end.

So I'm really quite worried about this story.

We have become too reliant on these computers. It's rather frightening.

If you are in an aeroplane and suddenly the computer is hacked,

it might fall out of the sky.

You would be disappointed, wouldn't you?

Very!

Depends how far you have to walk to the airport.

Marcus Hutchins, the 22-year-old IT expert who still lives with

his mum, has said he fears retribution and is...

What life?

Does anyone know what the Russians have said about it?

CARIAD SPEAKS RUSSIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH

Exactly that.

They're claiming it's not them

cos the Russian Interior Ministry was targeted.

-GYLES:

-That was the decoy.

You're so clever, Gyles.

These are just things I picked up at the Cyber Security Conference.

The Russians have said...

Who else has been hacked this week?

-The Europeans...

-Everyone's been hacked -

virtually everybody outside of North Korea has been hacked.

Renault.

One of the big stories is they hacked Disney.

They've demanded a ransom.

Disney have said...

..said the makers of Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.

Some technical people have a conspiracy theory idea about

who might be behind the attack.

-CARIAD:

-Is it North Korea, Gyles?

-GYLES:

-It is North Korea.

No, get this.

Cyber security firms.

-CARIAD:

-Uh-oh!

-What, in order to make people upgrade their systems?

-Yes, yes.

Several global companies that provide internet security

to large clients have seen their shares rocket in the last few days,

some by as much as 8%.

This may explain why I was paid in bitcoins.

This is the NHS computer-hacking crisis.

It's the biggest failure for the NHS since records began...

at three o'clock yesterday.

Nine NHS trusts were affected.

Records were lost and people may have to wait six weeks

to see a doctor. Amber Rudd said...

So, at the end of round, two points each!

And so to Round 2 and a welcome return to the Jigsaw of News.

Fingers on the buzzer, teams.

BUZZER

Is it, instead of her trying to understand the dog,

is the dog understanding her? Is that what's going on?

This is the news that a Hungarian university

has proved that humans can understand what dogs are saying.

-CARIAD:

-Yes.

It's well known, we have always been able to understand what dogs say.

That is why they are our best friend.

Well, some people got a grant and they proved it.

We can find out by seeing if we can identify some dog emotions.

Shall we have a quick go?

-Woof-woof?

-How do you think...?

How do you think this dog is feeling?

DEEP GROWL

That's a motorbike!

Sounds aggressive.

-GYLES:

-I think it's hungry.

-CARIAD:

-I think it's hungry.

-I think it is snoring.

-Or it has got acid reflux?

I'm going to give Gyles a point,

because it is a dog protecting his food.

Oh!

-Mm!

-The next one - this is a dog called Bruce.

GROWLING

That's playing.

- Oh! - That's like, "Have a game.

"Come on." Or, "Give me back that ball."

He's moving from SNP to Labour.

-He's not playing - Bruce is angry... CARIAD:

-Oh, no!

..and you've just invited him to play with your face.

In other news, what's so special...

-"In other news"?!

-Well...

It's be a desperate week where that qualified as news.

Moving on...!

-Yeah, sorry.

-Moving on to even more important animal-related news...

-Excellent.

-Great, animal news!

What's so special about Omar the cat?

Biggest cat in the world. Longest, tallest.

-Oh, yeah!

-He's the longest!

-He's the world's longest cat, measuring 3' 11".

-There we are.

-CARIAD:

-Bloody hell.

-GYLES:

-Literally pussy galore.

And lastly, this is Jack. Jack the cat.

What's wrong with him?

-GYLES:

-I remember this, but I don't.

-Ah.

-CARIAD:

-I think that's called not remembering, Gyles.

That'd be a great title for an autobiography.

The answer is, he has an incredibly deep voice.

-Oh!

-Have a listen.

DEEP MEWING

It's real!

-No way.

-This is the news that humans can understand what dogs are saying.

If your dog gives a low, insistent growl,

that means it needs some attention -

or, if you're in Korea, it needs another half hour at gas mark six.

All dogs want is balls to chase, balls to lick and bums to smell.

They're the animal equivalent of John Terry.

Fingers on the buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Is this President, soon-to-be-Mr, Trump?

Once again, every time he does something,

he just makes things worse for himself.

They're now relieved he's going abroad for a couple of weeks,

just to take the pressure off him being a fucking idiot.

APPLAUSE

-What do you think, Gyles?

-Well...

At first, I loved him - I thought the idea...

-What did you love about him?

-I loved the idea

that Donald Duck and Woody Woodpecker had a lovechild...

Don't tell me - you liked his manifesto, did you?

Broad brush - I liked...

Well, he WAS broad brush, and he got in, didn't he?

If, as a result of his presidency, the world does indeed end,

won't it be marvellous to think it happened in our time?

Are they even giving him intelligence briefings any more,

or are they just reading out episodes of Homeland or something?

By all accounts, he has a very short attention span,

so, in each paragraph, they actually put his name -

-in order to arrest his eye...

-CARIAD:

-Yeah.

In every paragraph of the briefing,

they say, "..and Mr Trump," or, "President Trump,"

and he goes, "Oh, what are they saying about me now?"

So, he's sort of following what they...

He seems to be obsessed with himself.

-Like a budgerigar pecking a mirror.

-Yeah.

He might change what the word "presidential" means.

Like, in a few years, you'll be going,

"My uncle fell over and banged his head on a kerb.

"He's been rendered completely presidential."

He dismissed the head of the FBI this week.

-CARIAD:

-James Comey?

-GYLES:

-Mr Comey was dismissed.

-Comey over.

-Because he was...

Investigating his connections with Russia.

And now there's an enquiry - who's been put in charge of the enquiry?

-They've got a special prosecutor.

-A former head of the FBI.

When you open up that special prosecutor,

there'll be another little special prosecutor, there'll be another...

Eventually there will be a little bloke saying, "Did you do it?"

-CARIAD:

-Robert Mueller?

Robert Mueller who was a former FBI director.

James Comey's done something to get his revenge on Trump.

-Any ideas?

-He has produced his memo.

- He kept a memorandum. - Yes, he took notes, didn't he?

After Trump tweeted that he had kept -

or suggested he might have kept a recording of the dinner

that took place in February.

Comey then came back to say, "Well, I kept a memorandum."

And he said, "Will you drop the Russian stuff?"

So, basically, he accused him of literally trying to interfere

in the process of justice -

and the Americans don't like that very much.

So, it's all going wrong.

-CARIAD:

-The best bit was Putin,

who was like, "If you want the transcript, we've got one."

Two weeks before this leaked memo was written,

what had Trump asked James Comey to do, at a dinner?

- Was it stop investigating? - Just drop the investigation.

He asked Comey to...

-Oh!

-Like an actual mafia boss.

Trump has denied this,

and threatened Comey in a tweet, which said...

How did Trump's administration respond to Comey's leak?

With confusion.

With incredible confusion.

According to the online news website Daily Beast,

one official said...

While another senior official said...

What else did Donald Trump do this week?

He decided, literally in the middle of a meeting

with the Russian Foreign Minister, that he would...

He'd seen some stuff that had been given to him by some people,

came from the Israelis, apparently - he just passed it on.

That's to the Russians! And then he goes around saying,

"Why did people accuse me of being too close to the Russians?"

I don't know, Donald, I can't imagine!

Trump defended his actions by making this speech.

Look at the way I've been treated lately.

Especially by the media.

No politician in history...

..and I say this with great surety,

has been treated worse or more unfairly.

You can't let them get you down.

-Oh, God!

-When he says no-one's been treated this badly,

does he mean psychiatrically?

Did he use the word "surety?"

Yes.

"With surety, with surety."

It is terrifying, isn't it?

-CARIAD:

-I thought he was brilliant, a minute ago!

-GYLES:

-You thought he was brilliant?

-CARIAD:

-No, you said that, Gyles!

I never said he was brilliant! I think the man is totally terrifying.

I thought it was amusing, cos I'm a little bit of an anarchist,

I thought...I-I-I was quite amused by the thought of the world ending,

but now, to end at the hands of this fool, would be ghastly.

-You've revised your opinion.

-I've revised my opinion.

Surely if you were recruiting a spy,

Trump would be underneath Hulk Hogan.

I wouldn't believe any conspiracy theory at all.

I think he is exactly what he is revealing himself to be.

You just told us North Korea had hacked the NHS!

Oh, no! Don't reintroduce the subject!

-There is that.

-Please be quiet.

-He also...

-How did...?

-Excuse me.

-No. No.

-He also...

Gyles.

Gyles, when people hear your name, they often think, "Jumpers"...

-Ah!

-..but I'm sure people who meet you

must take their lives in other ways, as well.

LAUGHTER

This is the news that Donald Trump is now at war

with intelligence in two ways.

Mr Trump met with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.

At the end of the meeting,

he said he had to get back to running the country,

but thanked Trump for coming along.

Donald Trump said recently that every time he picks a phone up,

he feels like someone is listening.

That's what a phone is, Donald!

APPLAUSE

Donald Trump is increasingly unpopular with the CIA,

where his Secret Service codename is JFK 2.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BELL

-Football.

LAUGHTER

-Who are they?

-CARIAD:

-They're men.

They're men with a cup. So, they have done something well.

They're a very special type of new football club.

-GYLES:

-Oh - they're wearing green costumes.

-CARIAD:

-Costumes! He's worse than me!

-The green's a clue. GYLES:

-The green IS a clue.

It's an environmentally friendly football club.

-Yes! Yes indeed.

-Thank you.

-This is the news...

-Forest Green Rovers or whatever?

-Yeah, Forest Green Rovers.

-Yes.

-The first vegan football club.

-Vegan?

-They were promoted on Sunday for the first time in their history.

Here's how the radio commentator described it.

'Let me tell you this - Cheltenham, Swindon, Newport,

'you're going to eat humus at The New Lawn next season,

'because Forest Green Rovers are in the Football League!'

The chairman has used his money - he's an entrepreneur -

to create this club that's based on green energy,

they've got solar panels,

and he's forcing the team to have a vegan diet.

Right. And they're winning?

Well, they've just been promoted.

They'll probably start losing quite heavily.

Since going vegan, the players have had zero injuries -

but how were some of the players and staff caught out last year?

Eating pork scratchings after hours?

Very close.

Here they are!

Oh, no!

The staff at Greggs didn't help the situation

by telling the local paper...

-Aww.

-How did the club's manager, Mark Cooper,

explain the small crowds that come to watch Forest Green?

Vegans are tired.

-It's hard.

-He told the BBC...

This is Forest Green Rovers, the first vegan football club,

thanks to their eco-friendly chairman, Dale Vince,

according to the BBC, the club has...

In fact, if they put any more shit on the pitch,

they'll qualify for the Scottish Premiership.

As a vegan team, Forest Green Rovers are looking forward

to their derby with archrivals KFC.

Which means, at the end of this round, it's...

5 points to Paul and Gyles, and 3 to Ian and Cariad.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Your four are...

a quilted jacket in old gold,

the Da Vinci Code,

Stork margarine,

and Ivanka Trump's fashion brand.

So - OK, the jacket is old gold coloured,

Dan Brown, the Da Vinci Code, I don't know much about that.

Other than it was a film and a book, obviously.

Stork might have changed its colour

due to some sort of manufacturing process...

Any idea about this, Gyles?

Well, colour clearly is involved, orange, possibly, is the colour,

because orange is the colour of Ivanka and of the quilted jacket.

Is it something to do with not being stocked,

cos Ivanka's fashion line was dropped?

And it was one of the few things

Trump was genuinely exercised about -

his daughter's fashion line was dropped

by one of the big department stores.

Yes, it's much more to do with that.

LAUGHTER

-GYLES:

-Stork is no longer on the market, and the other three are.

No.

Obviously quietly on the market, in one instance.

Was the Dan Brown novel dropped?

Too many people were bringing Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code

-to charity shops.

-Really?

And they just didn't need any more old copies!

And this old gold jacket...

-CARIAD:

-Has been dropped by...

Not been dropped by anyone. Thus the odd one out.

-It is the odd one out.

-Hey!

APPLAUSE

The answer is, no-one wants to buy them,

apart from a quilted jacket in old gold,

which proved to be overwhelmingly popular this week.

Ria Hattam wore one to the Badminton Horse Trials

only to spot at least 16 others. She took some photos.

Let's have a look at Ria and the matching jackets.

Oh, yes!

I'm laughing, but I'm going to go and throw mine away!

This isn't the only time someone has turned up

to find everyone else in the same outfit.

Did anyone see how Australian news anchor Amber Sherlock dealt with it?

Wearing the same as the breakfast person on Norwegian television.

I don't really know what that means.

Let's have a wee look at the clip.

I need Julie to put a jacket on cos we're all in white.

I asked her before we came on. Julie, you need to put a jacket on.

I haven't had time. Is there someone...

Come on, I told you two hours ago!

Amber, I'm sorry, I've been flat out.

-Well, I'll call wardrobe and we'll get something.

-No...

I made this clear two and a half hours ago.

-Amber, if it's an issue, I can get on out of here.

-Yeah.

-It is an issue, go and grab a jacket.

-I...

Time now to head into the chatroom,

and joining me today is psychologist Sandy Ray in Melbourne

and Julie Snook in Sydney.

Why didn't she complain about the one on the right

having the same hair as her in the middle?

Perhaps it's like one of those fruit machines -

you pull a handle, and three images...

eventually settle on three whites going across.

Due to poor sales, Ivanka Trump's clothing line is being re-branded

and sold at discount stores.

What has the fashion label Chanel been criticised for this week?

Oh, the boomerang.

-Yes.

-They've made a bejewelled boomerang, or something?

-They've made a boomerang that costs £1,130.

-Wow.

Let's have a wee look at it.

Why is it dipped in chocolate?

I wonder what the returns policy is.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oxfam is begging people

not to take any more copies of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code

to its charity shops,

as it can't shift the many copies it already has.

Here's how one Oxfam shop in Swansea illustrated the problem.

This is the sign in the window, which said,

"You could give us another Da Vinci Code

"but we would rather have your vinyl."

How did Stephen Fry describe the novel?

He said it was...

Some religious conspiracy theorists have pointed out

that if you read the Da Vinci Code backwards,

it's actually a bit better.

Sales of Stork margarine

are decreasing as people prefer to spread butter

on their toast, as you said, people think it is healthier.

According to the Guardian...

That's the last community you want to make a joke about!

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

Well, someone's applauding!

Which means, at the end of this round,

it's 5 points to Paul and Gyles and 6 to Ian and Cariad.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, finally!

-Yes!

Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features

as its guest publication...

Essex Birding,

the journal of the Essex bird-watching society.

Many people in Essex are twitchers, but that's mainly due to cocaine.

And we start with...

-GYLES:

-Lover? Just to help out when Philip retires?

-CARIAD:

-Are you offering, Gyles?

I don't think that's what he's retiring from.

The Queen has a top-secret Facebook account.

-CARIAD:

-No way!

One reason the Queen gets lots of Facebook messages,

is because she has two birthdays a year.

One each for her human and lizard forms.

-You and David Icke, then!

-Next...

Marries a bloke called Burr Ito.

-That's very close.

-It can't be!

-It can't be, surely!

-GYLES:

-Gets married as a burrito,

to somebody also dressed as a burrito.

-And they breed burritos.

-I'm going to give Paul the point,

because she...

..because she had married it. Here she is.

She married a burrito.

Sour cream, guacamole and salsa are just three things

doctors have tried to hide her medication in.

Next...

"..felt my hands around his scrawny neck

"as I choked the living daylights out of him!"

-CARIAD:

-"..and the old editor said I could and that was fine."

Pretty much. The answer...

In fact, the only time any editor has said yes quicker

is when Kelvin MacKenzie asked, "Shall I offer my resig...?"

-I don't think he offered his resignation!

-No.

Next...

-GYLES:

-"Gran accidentally dies

"after taking birdseed instead of aspirin?"

The answer is...

This is Valerie Johnson, who accidentally drove 300 miles

from England to Lanarkshire when she missed a turn-off.

She thought she was following the right motorway on the map,

but it turned out to be a varicose vein.

Next...

-GYLES:

-Whether to swipe to the left or right on Tinder.

It's actually...

Prince Philip asked Mary Berry's advice on stuffing small birds,

and then sat politely

as she got completely the wrong end of the stick

and gave him advice on cooking.

Next...

Filling out the appropriate forms

and being interviewed by the council.

The answer is...

-That was quite a difficult ask, wasn't it?

-Yeah, that was.

-Yeah.

A little bit tricky, yeah.

Those ospreys will grow up not knowing who their real parents are -

much like the rest of Essex.

And finally...

"..conjures up the spirit of Beelzebub and ruins reception."

-GYLES:

-"..accidentally photographs wrong couple."

Yes!

Oh, no!

Jacob Peters made an expensive mistake last weekend

when he accidentally photographed the wrong couple's proposal.

Also this week, a groom got into trouble

after a bee disrupted his wedding. Let's have a look.

..and to be your companion and your friend.

On this journey that we make together.

On this journey that we make together.

Oh!

There was a bee.

Straight after that she pretended to see a wasp near his balls.

So, the final scores are -

Paul and Gyles have 8 points

and Ian and Cariad have 6!

Well done.

Blew it.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

New editor of Horse & Hound.

That's very good.

-GYLES:

-Strong and stable.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop, Cariad Lloyd, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth.

And I leave you with news that,

as Labour's election campaign continues,

party workers are concerned that some members may have

misunderstood the phrase "touch base with the public."

After pledging that, if elected Prime Minister,

he would legalise cannabis, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron

denies trying out the drug for himself...

..and, at a Moscow press conference, one journalist tries his luck

asking Donald Trump who's America's top spy in Russia.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE