Episode 10 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

I would love to have hair that colour.

-CREW:

-Set voice level, please, Angela.

OK, I'm really pleased to see that David has joined

the Angela Rayner Appreciation Society tonight with his hair.

CHEERING

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLES

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm David Tennant.

In the news this week...

In Westminster, the Government denies

that its pledge to build 300,000 new homes

is slightly behind schedule.

In Lapland, a group of disappointed children

find out why they've all been given three-volume biographies

of Karl Marx.

APPLAUSE

And on her first day working at a Christmas tree farm in Scotland,

there's evidence one intern still has a lot to learn.

APPLAUSE

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently

made a film about his quest to find the UK's largest Scotch egg.

Not quite up there with The Last Jedi, but a noble effort.

Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is Labour's Shadow Education Secretary,

who admits that she's done pretty well for a ginger kid

with no qualifications who grew up on an estate.

Yeah, almost as well as Prince Harry.

Please welcome Angela Rayner MP!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Joe, take a look at this.

Ah, that was the Prime Minister at time of going out.

That's David Davis, trying to negotiate a step.

Right, and this is subtle negotiations.

Oh, yes, she's amused, too.

-That's one of the rebels. This is Brexit again.

-Yes.

There was a rebellion, and Mrs May lost,

and David Davis made some admissions.

The one I liked was that, "You don't have to be clever to do his job."

We've noticed!

He is thick, isn't he?

He is, isn't he?

Is he?

APPLAUSE

Well, he's not my first choice.

-There you go.

-Is he not?

Then, nor was Jeremy, was he?

APPLAUSE

Just saying, just saying!

Wasn't there scrapping, as well?

Didn't the Cabinet start fighting each other this week, apparently?

Oh, do tell!

Well, apparently, there was quite the fight on,

and Theresa May had to split up some of her Cabinet colleagues.

-What, physically weighed in and go...

-GRUFF VOICE:

-.."Leave it out!"?

Was that Theresa May? Is she here?

Is she here? I heard her voice, is she here?!

That's her real voice.

She just puts on that vicar's-daughter thing.

What were the Tory rebels after?

-They were after Parliament having a final vote on Brexit.

-Yes.

On the idea that the referendum was taking back control,

so Parliament was meant to make the laws.

Even for Brexit, this is dull, isn't it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's about taking back control,

and previously, we'd taken back control of our country

and given it to ten people in Northern Ireland.

And...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..we're now giving it back to Parliament, to you.

-Yes.

-What happened? Was it thrilling?

-Well, it felt brilliant.

I've been there two and a half years,

and it's the first time I'd seen them looking absolutely miserable,

so it felt fantastic...

..if I'm honest!

I like democracy.

Is it good when you're winning?

I know it's new, but...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The amendment itself is relatively nonpartisan,

but how did the Daily Mail describe the 11 Tory rebels?

The headline said, "Proud of yourself?"

-It did. Yes.

-As though they were the headmaster

and they'd just found some children smoking.

This was the front page

you were referring to.

That's the worst team West Ham

have ever put out.

What did Tory MP Nadine Dorries think of the rebels in her party?

Well, she got quite nasty, didn't she?

They were very vicious.

I think she was calling for deselections, apparently.

She was, she was furious.

Trying to deselect people? That's...

She'll join Momentum next!

She tweeted...

Which is interesting, cos Nadine herself

has rebelled against her party 47 times.

Didn't Nadine go in the forest, as well?

-She went in I'm A Celebrity, didn't she?

-She did, didn't she?

-Is it a forest? I thought it was a jungle!

-Well, jungle, yeah!

A bit green!

If you're a B-list celebrity, you go into the forest.

If you're an A-list, it's the jungle.

If you're C-list, it's a thicket.

APPLAUSE

And what did the rebels do to further incense their Euro-sceptic colleagues?

They sang the EU national anthem as they danced through the lobby.

I missed that.

I made that bit up. I'm just trying.

According to the Telegraph...

Scandal.

What, one bottle between 11 of them?

It's austerity.

Work hard, play hard.

And all this of course just when Theresa May thought she'd got away with her Irish fudge.

-Indeed.

-But what did David Davis do to upset the Europeans?

He woke up.

-He said it wasn't necessarily binding.

-Yes.

He might as well have, after everything he said, just winked.

Of course we're going to pay 39 billion.

If David Davis was, for instance,

coming at you with a samurai sword, how would you repel him?

I would just say, "Is that a sword?"

And he would go, "Oh, I don't know."

I would probably ask him how he got in my house.

Can't be that thick, we've got double locks.

Is this some sort of citizenship test?

David Davis has an Achilles heel that we should all be aware of.

It's orange juice, apparently.

Ah.

He says...

Which must be why, according to the Times, the new EU negotiators

always put it on the table when he turns up for meetings.

Angela, do you think there'll come a time

when Jeremy Corbyn will say anything about what he thinks about Brexit?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jeremy's been absolutely clear on our Brexit position.

Has he, though?

Yeah.

What is it, then? Spell it out for us!

-We want a strong economy with good jobs.

-Yes...

That's what everybody wants from Brexit.

No, that's an aspiration, that's not a policy.

Well, you know...

We want to be closely aligned

to the single market and the customs union.

-Yes...

-Do you want to be in them?

We've not said we wanted to be in them, necessarily.

I know what you've NOT said!

I think we've been absolutely clear.

-Do you?!

-Absolutely clear, in fact...

..in fact, we've been that clear that Theresa May

is now actually doing what Keir had said all along.

I love it when people say, "I'm being absolutely clear,"

cos you know what's coming.

Why do some commentators think that Theresa May will survive this?

Cos nobody else wants the job.

It's too miserable,

and she has got incredible skill at just taking the blows.

She's one of those people, oh, they smash her head in,

cut her arms off, she goes, "Yes, I'm getting on with the job."

Hit her, "I'm walking along here!"

It doesn't matter, you blow her up, piano falls on her head.

I mean, it's a skill!

APPLAUSE

-Ian, it's what women do - we just get on with it.

-Right!

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

APPLAUSE

51% clap...

Was that your last medical?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-JOE:

-Could I swap teams?

According to the Times...

Talking of polls, Theresa May did top one this week.

Anyone know what that was?

Person least likely to be Prime Minister?

-It was the best modern Christmas cracker joke.

-Fantastic!

-You want to hear the joke?

-Yeah, absolutely!

-Yeah?

-She didn't write it, by the way.

-No.

It was written by a bloke called Samuel Williams, and it's this.

LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE

No, no...

But what's a nativity manager? That's not a job, is it?

Well, exactly.

That's where the joke falls down, just a bit.

I think what Samuel has done is he started

-with "stable government"...

-Yeah.

-And he's gone back...

..and tried desperately to make it work

-and then fucked it up, which...

-Yeah, exactly.

..which I think we've seen before, somewhere.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you see what Theresa May took a fancy to

-in Maidenhead this week?

-No.

It was a sparkly shoe on a Christmas tree. Look at this.

-Oh, yes.

-There she is.

Grabbing it!

While she was browsing, she got stared out

by an artificial reindeer.

Maybe she'd like one of these.

Jerry Christmas!

I got a Jeremy Corbyn annual.

You got a cut-out Jeremy mask and a fact finder,

Diane Abbott and Theresa May, and things like that,

it's very interesting!

A Diane Abbott fact finder?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How many days are there in Christmas, is it the 12?

Or was it 80 billion?

No, Jerry Christmas to all.

Jeremy Christmas, a magical, bearded old man

who all the children believe in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who makes your dreams come true!

Nice!

Finally, what has Michael Gove said yes to?

Leadership?

No.

He wouldn't be so bold.

A trip to Dignitas?

APPLAUSE

Beavers.

Michael Gove says yes to Beavers.

It's all part of the Government's caring charm offensive to try

and win back young voters.

The Forest of Dean is the test region to see

if they can improve biodiversity.

I wonder what effect a family of beavers will have on the ancient

and vulnerable Forest.

Anyway, this is Theresa May's Commons defeat

over the European Withdrawal Bill.

David Davis has compared the Cabinet negotiations

over Brexit to...

..and thanks to Damian Green,

they're now wondering whether to make a pawn sacrifice.

According to the Sun, Boris Johnson claimed...

At which point, his wife shrieked with delight and called her lawyer.

Asked what the requirements of his job in negotiating Brussels are,

David Davis said...

So why not replace him with a scented candle?

Paul and Angela, take a look at this.

A man looking through a telescope and then trusting his own eye...

Ah, yes, this is the object that's coming into our solar system,

it looks like that.

I don't know what those people are.

Yeah, this thing, it's about 400 metres long and 40 metres wide,

and it's come from outside of our solar system.

We're looking at it to see if it's sending out any radio signals.

-Mm-hm.

-They've got a machine that can pick up a signal

that's as little as a mobile phone signal -

but seeing as people often can't get signals on their mobile phone,

how they're going to pick one up from that, I don't know.

-But, yeah, they're potentially very excited about it.

-Hmm.

-Stephen Hawking said it could be the real thing.

-Yeah.

-Could have aliens in it.

-It could!

I hope there are aliens, cos it would be nice

to make a few new friends, wouldn't it?

Yeah, especially around Christmas time.

Yeah. We need one more for badminton next week.

It is exciting news - the first ever object to reach us

from outside our solar system might just be an alien spaceship.

Yes, wouldn't it be great?

Apparently, Number Ten said it said, "Take me to your leader,"

so it went to Belfast.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a good job we've got you here. Was there anything in your travels,

does it look familiar to you in any sense or shape or form?

Have you ever seen anything like that before, that you can remember?

It looks like something off Blue Planet

and David Attenborough is going to say something any time now.

Yes, sperm whale.

-ATTENBOROUGH VOICE:

-Winter comes to space.

Is David Attenborough here?! Is he here?

-It's incredible, he's with Theresa May.

-Is he?

-GRUFF VOICE:

-Leave it out, David.

Looks like a giant space jobby.

The TURDIS.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, no...

Doctor Poo?

Close Encounters Of The Turd Kind.

I really want to think of one!

I'm holding them all in!

That's not...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's not healthy.

But it is the wrong shape to be an astronoid...

-An astronoid?

-Yes!

It is the wrong shape...

How did you get through that script?

"It's an astronoid, Doctor!" Sonic...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's also the wrong shape to be an asteroid.

-Ah!

And researchers have pointed out...

Any other tells that it's a spaceship?

Any other telltale signs?

It's in space?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's the very thing they're looking for! The very thing!

Yes.

Got to be clever to do her job!

It may also be made of metal.

I mean, it might also be made of cheese!

And it's very clean.

House-proud aliens.

Has someone gone up to it and gone...?

It was named in Hawaii.

Its official name is A/2017 UI.

Do you know what sexier name the scientists have given it?

Pretty much anything.

-It begins with an O and there's a couple of Ms in it...

-Yes.

..but I don't know how it's pronounced.

-'Oumuamua.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

Actually, I take it back.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Oumuamua, which loosely means...

Second choice of name was apparently Rees-Mogg.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm getting an update.

Turns out it is actually an alien spaceship

and they are all laughing at our mashed potato. So...

That's a joke trapped in time.

That lady really liked it.

That was a great ad.

Apparently, 'Oumuamua...

But Harvard astrophysicist Avi Loeb

cheerfully yet scarily explains that away.

He said 'Oumuamua might just be coasting...

Yes.

Did he get his degree online?

LAUGHTER

Joe, who did you ask to speak to when you landed?

I said, "Take me to Alton Towers."

Cracking little rides, aren't they?

And I had a TGI Friday's and that is why I decided to stay.

If you don't believe I'm an alien, I'll show you my green feet.

Sure.

OK, I might have pushed my hand a little too far there.

Can anyone tell me the name of the very large telescope that was

used to confirm 'Oumuamua wasn't a comet?

It's something like Green Bank or something like that.

-Jodrell Bank.

-Now.

Was green in the name?

It's called...

Come on, scientists, up your game!

What is Donald Trump planning to do in space soon?

He said he's going to send men back to the moon,

and then from there, jump on to Mars,

-that's the next thing to do, to go from the moon to Mars.

-He did.

He announced this week he wants to send astronauts back to the moon

for the first time since 1972.

He said the goal of the new mission to the moon would include...

He's going to open a golf course, isn't he?

LAUGHTER

He does, of course,

have a notoriously short attention span, Donald Trump.

How did they keep him interested as he signed the directive

to send astronauts back to the moon?

-JOE:

-Bag of Lego?

Surprisingly close.

They gave him a toy astronaut to play with.

Look at this.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Look at his little face!

Look at it.

You can see him going, "To insanity and beyond."

-JOE:

-That fellow's telling him not to eat it.

"Don't put it in your mouth!

"Keep it out of your mouth!

"Dirty boy!"

What did we learn about Trump's daily routine this week?

I think he has 12 Diet Cokes a day.

Indeed. He drinks 12 cans of Diet Coke daily.

Coca-Cola have been quick to react, offering Trump a multimillion

dollar deal to start drinking Pepsi instead.

APPLAUSE

This is the strange object that recently entered our solar system

that some people think could be an alien spacecraft.

According to the Times, as the craft swings by the Earth,

it's travelling at...

The only thing that can stop that is a light dusting of snow.

The object is called 'Oumuamua

and comes from the old Hawaiian phrase

for two actors meeting at the Ivy.

"Oh, mwah, mwah!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This week, Donald Trump has announced plans to go to the moon,

leading half a million angry Clangers to sign a petition...

..and the Republicans lost a seat in the Senate this week

when the voters of Alabama rejected Roy Moore,

a right wing, homophobic, evangelical child molester.

He's so vile, even Putin didn't want to help.

In America, on CNN, they say "ALLEGED child molester"

but, er, you go for it!

Come and get me, Roy!

-JOE:

-I wouldn't say that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

His horse is called Sassy.

Why?

I just didn't think that would be the name of his horse.

Riding about like that.

Onto round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

I think this is about man flu.

Yes.

What's been discovered this week?

It doesn't exist.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awwww!

Oh, really?

-But it does exist, and men do suffer it worse than...

-Do we?

Absolutely. Yes.

There's a tendency to impersonate Mother Teresa.

I'm not saying it's one of her best looks, but...

This is the news that the phenomenon known as man flu

has been proven by science,

or at least, by one male scientist.

LAUGHTER

Dr Kyle Sue from the Memorial University in Newfoundland

says that man flu can be traced back to our caveman days, when...

LAUGHTER

A thank you wouldn't hurt.

How does Dr Sue suggest we should respond to these findings?

Greater understanding.

-Exactly.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

He's a doctor, it must be true!

LAUGHTER

A lot of women would say the world is a male-friendly space.

But...

Why should we take Dr Sue's study with a little pinch of salt?

Is he not a proper doctor?

He is a proper doctor, and it's a genuine piece of research -

but it turns out that the British Medical Journal

-likes to have a little bit of fun in December...

-Oh, do they?

..and although the article is based on real findings,

the arguments are perhaps a little tongue-in-cheek.

With that in mind,

who's responsible for destroying the NHS?

LAUGHTER

Jeremy Hunt?

-No, that IS a fact.

-Oh, yeah.

According to Dr Catherine Bell, a GP,

it is scourge of the public services...

..Peppa Pig.

Oh, yes! I saw this.

What's Peppa been doing wrong?

Well, the doctor in Peppa Pig is really nice

and gives you 25 minutes and organises tests

and doesn't say, "I'm short of time,"

-and people have got unrealistic expectations.

-Yeah.

So they go along expecting there to be a pig,

literally, as the doctor.

Dr Bell has published an article arguing that...

-JOE:

-Yeah, but I've seen an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine

where Thomas has got a nasty rash

and he doesn't go to the doctor

and his crankshaft falls off.

So...

..who are you going to believe?

I'm just saying.

-ANGELA:

-My three-year-old watched Peppa Pig and was constantly

ringing the doctors, asking for an appointment.

Do you know... What's the name? Do you remember the name

of the doctor in Peppa Pig?

-I don't remember.

-Is it Dr Locum?

Dr Brown Bear.

But is that a bear?

Well, no, no...

-No, it's a drawing.

-Ah.

LAUGHTER

-JOE:

-Anyone who uses a cucumber for a phone should not be trusted.

Dr Bell takes issue with Dr Brown Bear's...

LAUGHTER

In Pedro's Cough...

What does Dr Brown Bear do?

He says, "You're just a little hoarse!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Dr Brown Bear makes an urgent visit to the playgroup...

The Daily Telegraph referred to one example where...

Presumably a classic case of pork scratching.

What was Dr Brown Bear's response to these allegations?

GROWLS LIKE A BEAR

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Unfortunately, according to the BMJ...

Criticising the role of Dr Brown Bear in Peppa Pig,

the author of the report says...

Who gives a shit?

It just shuts the kids up for five minutes!

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Ian and Joe, your four are Lembit Opik,

the cast of Cats the Musical,

the Vienna Chamber Orchestra

and Pharaoh Psamtik III.

-JOE:

-She's balancing quite nicely on him, isn't she?

LAUGHTER

Takes some doing.

I'm thinking Cats,

cos I know that Lembit got bit on the penis

by a sausage dog, didn't he?

Yes. You're heading in the right direction.

-Did he really?

-Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

You know a lot of interesting stuff.

Yeah.

You Google the right stuff, you'll find it.

So, that's all I have got.

Well, everything is about cats except Lembit, that's about dogs.

Try it the other way around.

Everything, as I said...

LAUGHTER

..is about dogs, except one of them's about cats.

That's right.

Which one might it be?

Ah, it's not important.

Well, Lembit, then, he's the odd one out,

cos he was bitten by a dog on his penis.

I didn't bite him, a dog did.

No, dogs are the common theme.

That's what I said the first time.

-Cats are the...

-Cats is the odd one out,

cos that's about cats and the other three are about dogs.

-That's what I said the first time.

-I've got a headache.

-No, no, not...

LAUGHTER

It's about cats, but Cats isn't the odd one out.

-Oh.

-What's happening?

-Can we go back in time?

Go back in time and that might give you a clue

-to which one the odd one out is.

-The Pharaoh.

There we go! We got there.

APPLAUSE

They've all been interrupted by dogs,

apart from Pharaoh Psamtik III,

who was interrupted by cats.

In what was called the Battle of Pelusium, in 525 BC,

the Egyptian armies were marching out towards the Persians

when the invading army deployed their secret weapon -

cats.

The Egyptians saw cats as a sacred animal,

were too scared to attack the enemy and ended up losing the battle.

-Fantastic!

-Not a question you would normally expect

in a topical news quiz, but...

I suppose we've only just translated the hieroglyphics, have we?

How did a dog upstage the Vienna Chamber Orchestra

in a recent performance?

It conducted the entire works of Johann Strauss.

No, BACH, surely!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It has got to be Bach.

It's a little more pedestrian. Let's have a look.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Lovely.

Labradors are known attention-seekers.

Have a look at what one did to try and get on the news

in Texas earlier this year.

-REPORTER:

-As far as the rest of the area...

Oh, my God! Come see!

Look at that dog!

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

That is so great!

Surely that's the same dog on his way to Vienna!

-JOE:

-He actually looks annoyed that they're filming him.

According to the Mail, a Broadway performance of Cats

was halted when an overexcited dog in the audience broke free

from his owner and...

Tragically, the dog was quickly brought under control

and the performance could continue.

LAUGHTER

Witnesses described the dog

as looking like a cross between a Shih Tzu and a pug,

before realising that was Andrew Lloyd Webber.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Paul and Angela, your four are...

Jeremy Corbyn, Blendo the robot, Vince Cable

and former UK Scrabble champion Allan Simmons.

Now, the only Scrabble story in recent times

is the guy that was accused of cheating.

-Is it this guy?

-Yes.

-OK.

It's something to do in Scrabble. There's a method where you put your

hand into the bag in a certain way and show there's nothing in it.

But he's been doing it in perhaps a more surreptitious way.

So that's him.

Vince Cable is certainly the odd one out there

because he is only the one fronting the advert for Cadbury's Milk Tray.

Blendo the robot, I mean, how can a robot be cheating?

There was four little men inside it?

Perhaps the makers were cheating.

In the wars. He is from Robot Wars, is he?

Blendo the robot is from Battlebots.

No, you'd better give us the answer.

They've all been excluded from

competitions for being too good,

apart from UK Scrabble champion Allan Simmons who has been

banned from competitive Scrabble after allegedly cheating.

How did Alan react to his ban?

He was lost for words.

No, he was a bit defensive.

He said...

What was Blendo the robot excluded from?

From the American version of Robot Wars.

Yes, indeed. Twice.

In the 1990s he was excluded on two separate occasions.

Blendo was so good at destroying the other robots that pieces of its

opponents would be thrown over the arena walls and into the audience.

Blendo has since found a job more suited to its abilities -

overseeing the MP reselection process for the Labour Party.

Vince Cable is too good at writing sex scenes.

Oh, yes.

-He didn't win the Bad Sex Award?

-Yes, he did.

So good is his new novel, Open Arms,

it was excluded from the 2017 Bad Sex In Fiction Award.

This is an extract from The Destroyer by this year's winner...

LAUGHTER

..Christopher Bollen.

So far...

Poetic, a little quirky.

It can't go very wrong from there?

No.

Was he chalking up?

That is dreadful.

Lovely.

I need to write that down, actually.

What competition was Jeremy Corbyn excluded from this year after

winning it for the seventh time in 2016?

-Was it Beard of the Year?

-Yes.

The coveted title of...

..organised by Keith Flett of the Beard Liberation Front.

Christmas is coming up. Angela, I think you know about this.

What do you get the most dedicated Corbynista as a present?

-The annual.

-Yes.

The 100% Unofficial Jeremy Corbyn 2018 Annual, of course.

Look at this.

There it is.

Looks like you'd find it in a telephone box.

What kind of fun games are on the inside, do you think?

Do not want to know.

You can cut out and stick a range of new beard styles on Jezza,

including the Hipster.

The Hagrid.

And the Llewelyn-Bowen.

Ian, have you ever considered going for the Corbyn?

-No.

-We've considered it for you. Here you are with a Corbyn.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like Wayne Rooney.

What's happened there?

How can I not take that the wrong way?

And we have to be even-handed, so, Angela, here you are.

And, Joe, there didn't seem much point in giving you his beard

so here is him with yours.

Jesus Christ.

-Have you got one for me?

-Here you are as Jezza, Paul.

Paul, I've been noticing your lovely cravat.

That's a Christmas cravat, isn't it?

Yes, it is, actually, yes.

If there's any fans of Just A Minute here,

on BBC Radio Four, Christmas Day, there is a special

programme where we have managed to take various

people like Kenneth Williams and Peter Cook, Derek Nimmo

and Peter Jones and put them all together in one show

so it sounds like we're all there together to celebrate 50 years.

And that's why I have been wearing a cravat for this series,

to celebrate 50 years of Just A Minute and also

to take the piss out of Nicholas Parsons.

We thought the look you were going for was this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm very happy with that.

Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features

as its guest publication It's A Rat's World.

Remember, you're never more than six feet away from a copy.

We start with...

-ANGELA:

-Cooked his own dinner.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the news that a YouTube prankster

who cemented his head into a microwave

has sadly been rescued.

LAUGHTER

Next...

-PAUL:

-Impersonating David Davis during European discussions.

Falling over.

This is how to train your rat to spin around in a circle on command.

According to the article, you will need...

And ideally a huge gap in your life.

Next...

They nail it to your front door.

If they say, "Oh, that's lovely, you shouldn't have"?

If they throw you down a well.

Ian, you're nearly right...

According to Braun,

the list of fake polite responses include the phrases...

And thank you for that marketing survey, Braun.

It's lovely, it's really useful, you shouldn't have and I love it.

Next...

-PAUL:

-Well, it can't be as easy as it sounds.

..are some of the things I feed my rat at Christmas.

I will say "in a pear tree" just in case it is a real double bluff.

Slightly less pleasantly it's...

On the plus side, pear trees - still in the game.

Next...

-JOE:

-Her reflection?

-ANGELA:

-A prune?

-No.

You're a gran, aren't you?

I am.

-A new gran.

-You don't look like a prune!

-No. Cos I'm not your ordinary gran.

-Supergran.

I don't think any gran is ordinary.

-PAUL:

-Hoping for a nice Christmas present this year?

Sepp Blatter.

You're getting close!

A new statue of the legendary footballer was unveiled this week,

but not everyone was impressed with the likeness.

Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER

And with that, the final scores are...

..Paul and Angela have four,

but the winners are Ian and Joe with five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

The Lords resist reform.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On which note we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop

and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Angela Rayner.

And I leave you with news that in Northumberland, evidence emerges

fame and fortune have not been kind to Billy Elliot.

At the World Swimming Championships in Helsinki,

there's another sporting drugs scandal

as one competitor tests positive for helium.

And at a secret laboratory in Westminster,

the smile lessons continue.

Good night.

We're going to do the David Essex one...

The David Essex?

Paul, I've noticed you've been wearing a cravat...

Oh, don't indulge him.

It's the golden rule of comedy - if it doesn't work the first time,

it's certainly going to work the second.

Paul, I noticed your lovely cravat...

Yes, thank you very much, it's based on David Essex.

APPLAUSE

-Have you got a photo that backs up my opinion?

-No!

Oh, there it is, look.