Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Mel Giedroyc. In the news this week,

shocking footage reveals that not even the management

at the Sports Direct warehouse get enough time for their lunch break.

In Saudi Arabia, traditionalists' worst fears are confirmed -

that letting women drive on the roads

was just the thin end of the wedge.

And the BBC's Autumnwatch is inundated with complaints

as new footage captures all too vividly

the savage cruelty of nature.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who was recently described

by one critic as "hamster-cheeked."

I disagree. I think he's got a lovely bottom.

Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is an award-winning writer whose book,

The Boy With The Topknot,

follows his parents' lives from rural Punjab to the steps

of the Wolverhampton tourist office,

whose staff surely have the toughest job in the world.

Please welcome Sathnam Sanghera.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Sathnam, take a look at this.

Ah, yes, this is the never-ending story.

There's... Oh, God, look at him, there he is.

David Davis. There's a photograph of the DUP.

And that's a man getting very annoyed.

He can't believe it. He's just lost out

on a Kevin Costner lookalike competition.

Yeah, so this is about the Irish border,

between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.

It's got to be sorted out before Sunday, in a couple of days' time,

-so... And then it will all be all right.

-Nice.

-Sathnam, anything?

-So, basically,

this is Theresa May's latest attempt to make Brexit happen,

even though she backed Remain, and she's been vetoed by the DUP,

who are for Brexit, although they represent Northern Ireland,

which are Remain,

and the whole thing is being opposed by Jeremy Corbyn,

who said he was Remain, but actually is probably Brexit.

So Brexit is just going really well.

You make that sound incredibly easy.

It is, as David Davis said.

Is he the thickest man that's ever lived, David Davis?

-The thickest?

-The thickest man that's ever lived.

I mean, there's probably other thicker people,

but I can't think of them at the moment.

Did you see his appearance yesterday?

Well, on Wednesday, it was,

when he appeared in front of a Parliamentary select committee

and said, "Oh, no, we haven't done anything. Nothing.

"I know I said we'd done loads of things, but you know, we haven't."

-HAL:

-I secretly, though...

No, don't. Keep it a secret.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, sorry.

-Were you about to say that you secretly fancy him?

No, not fancy him.

I've always quite liked his style, David Davis.

-David Davis?!

-I don't know why.

-What do you mean, his style?

I've got a feeling, that whole thing when he's, you know, what is it,

-all the tests they're meant to be doing?

-Impact assessments.

-Yes.

-I've got this feeling that he's doing it to make sure

we all still have a lovely Christmas and don't see the truth.

Do you know what I mean?

I just... I just can't think he's got evil intentions.

And you call DAVIS the thickest man!

I withdraw my comment.

I'm not a Tory, by the way, I'd like to point out.

I'm just sympathetic to all political parties.

And, um...

And I thought...

Sympathetic to all political parties?!

What have I got here?!

This is really... This is really bad. I've got a secret...

Have you not got a secret respect for politicians?

So what was the fun side of Hitler?

-Look, I'm just... Look, I'm...

-Look, he's trying to be nice.

-Come on! Come on!

-He just seems like quite a nice man.

-He had a very bad day, even if you like him.

-He did.

-SATHNAM:

-I think his argument was that Parliament

was asking for impact assessments,

but, actually, what he had was sectoral analysis,

so therefore he didn't have to produce it.

And it's a bit like saying,

"I haven't produced the homework, because you call it homework,

"but I call it humwork."

Even the stuff he had -

he said there's some enormous document,

and that he's only read the start of it and then gave up.

It's understandable, though, cos Brexit is really boring, you know?

For me, more than anything else,

it feels like a really long Indian wedding, you know?

You've been stuck in a marquee in Luton for five days.

Your uncles are talking about the buy-to-let market,

there's another five days to go,

and basically you will do anything to get out of it,

up to and including agreeing to Brexit.

So, is it like a long Indian divorce, then?

-Oh, we don't divorce.

-Oh, right.

This is indeed news that arguments about boring old Brexit,

as you said,

have been overshadowed by arguments about scary old Northern Ireland.

It all came up at lunch. I mean...

Really? Very unpleasant!

Jean-Claude... Bleurgh!

It was a celebratory lunch, and in the middle of it,

she gets a phone call and says,

"Oh, sorry, you know I said over the starters

"that I've agreed everything? I haven't.

"We're going home."

And that was it. Arlene Foster phoned up, said "No,"

which is a traditional Northern Irish greeting.

My wife is from the Northern Ireland Unionist community,

and I would warn Theresa May, you do not mess with these people.

I just... I've so many times had my plans smashed. Um...

-Like what, Hal, like what?

-"Can I go for a curry with Marcus and Simon?"

"No!" You know, it's...

I just think Theresa's going to end up sleeping on the couch.

Does anyone know,

what's the difference between no regulatory divergence

and continued regulatory alignment?

Divergence is what the DUP fear

in thinking that Northern Ireland might be different in some way

from the rest of the UK, which it is in lots of other ways

which they don't mind in the slightest.

There's different laws there, there's different regulations there,

not least the libel laws.

-This is interesting now!

-It's great. This is great.

The DUP want to be close to the UK on this issue,

but they don't on things like gay marriage and abortion,

and things that might drag them out of the 1950s.

Sorry, but I just said that to stick it to the in-laws, really.

But, no, I do...

APPLAUSE

-How's Christmas looking?

-Yes!

-Awkward, yes.

-Yes.

I might get very ill and not be able to go.

Now, the Foreign Secretary,

Boris Johnson, made an official visit to Ireland last month.

How did Boris's Foreign Office officials brief the Irish government in advance?

He's an idiot.

-It's pretty much on the nose, actually, Paul.

-Yeah.

Yeah, according to Sky News, they told the Irish...

That's his own office!

So good.

Who else is losing faith in Boris?

-Is it his dad?

-Yes!

-Oh!

-Absolutely.

Apparently, the first thing he said on emerging from the Celebrity jungle was...

What, according to The Times, is Theresa May's fundamental problem?

-I should know this, given I work for The Times.

-Yeah, come on, Sathnam!

I have no idea.

-Fudge.

-Oh!

Fudge. She's been trying to fudge her way through the EU negotiations.

-That's what negotiations are, aren't they?

-Exactly.

You know she's diabetic? And that's...

..a slightly unfortunate thing to pick up on.

-There'll be a fudge.

-There'll be a fudge.

Just wait till this is on Dave - this will all be lovely.

What do the Labour Party think should be done

in these EU negotiations?

They think they should keep very, very quiet,

in case anyone notices that they haven't got an idea, either.

You're absolutely right.

They're not saying anything, and according to the Telegraph...

Oh, dear!

I think John McDonnell will be visiting them with his ice pick.

Um... Who is the real architect of this whole sorry ruddy mess?

-Cameron.

-David Cameron, yeah. Dave. Cambo.

He decided to gamble the country's future on a referendum,

-just to settle a pathetic argument in his mental party.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think we send the letters about BBC bias to you.

Here he is, back in July 2016

walking away after lighting the blue touchpaper.

Thank you very much.

# Doo doo doo doo! #

Right.

There's a book written by Tim Shipman

called Fall Out, which is about David Cameron, and...

He's more interested in...

Urrgh!

Oh, he's a great loss, isn't he?

Would you like to see a baby that looks like David Cameron?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Yeah? Come on, here we go. There we go!

Aww!

That is Bobby Carter there,

a little baby who's been in the news this week

for his exceptional head of Cameron-esque hair.

Fantastic hair!

Who is still raking it in from the EU?

-PAUL AND SATHNAM:

-Nigel Farage.

-Oh, in unison, team!

-Oh, yeah.

-He's got a pension now, hasn't he?

-Yes, do you know how much?

Oh, £67,000 a year.

-73,000.

-73, yeah.

-73?

Do we play higher and lower?

He thinks his family shouldn't suffer,

so he's very kindly decided to take this pension from the EU.

-Yes.

-I don't remember that figure on the side of the bus, do you?

I hardly dare ask this, but, Hal, do you quite like Nigel Farage?

Do you know what, can I say one thing about Nigel Farage?

He has the voice of an angel, doesn't he?

-It's quite gravelly.

-There's something about his voice.

Do angels have particularly gravelly voices?

-IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-"Mary, you're going to have a baby,

"do you know what I mean?

"Now, Joseph, he ain't the father, but, you know, keep him sweet,

"keep him sweet.

"He's going to be the son of God, you're going to call him Jesus.

"Must go."

APPLAUSE

Um, although, news just in,

the Government has just proposed a new draft agreement,

and they are discussing it with the DUP as we speak.

Has it all been settled?

Oh, thank goodness for that. All that cynicism.

Quite right. Good old Mrs May, sorted it out.

The EU Commission said talks would continue into the night, adding,

"Tonight, more than ever, stay tuned."

This is Theresa May's attempt to ruin the Good Friday Agreement

with the Really Bad Monday Agreement.

A senior DUP figure said...

Ooh!

Well, to be fair, when talking about Brexit,

that's just about the only way you can stay awake.

After Nigel Farage revealed that he intends to claim his EU pension

of £73,000 a year, he denied he was a hypocrite, saying...

So, in the festive spirit,

let's pull out his giblets and shove an onion up his arse.

Ian and Hal, take a look at this.

Yes, this is people logging into important sites.

Private. That's a magazine with one word left off it.

Never seen it.

Oh, here we are. It's the police.

Time to invade the House of Commons.

This is how policing in Britain works.

A man was apparently accessing porn nine years ago, legally,

and the police found this out, waited,

and then released the information, which was confidential,

into the public domain later for their own purposes.

The policeman was called Bob Quick,

which given he took nine years to report this is...

-It's also slightly...

-..quite amusing.

-It's also slightly pornographic, Bob Quick, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-It's what you need to be if you're watching porn at work.

-Yes!

No, you're absolutely right, Ian and Hal.

This is the ongoing scandal over claims pornography was found

on Damian Green's House of Commons computer.

Neil Lewis, who was responsible for seizing and analysing

Green's computer at the time, sparked controversy this week

after disclosing confidential information

gathered during the investigation.

What did he say?

-He said there was loads of porn on the machine.

-More specific?

-Quite extreme porn?

-More specific?

Animal porn?

Was it European porn?

Chessington World Of Adventure?

He said - according to the Mail, anyway -

Lewis said he found...

-Which...

-Ooh!

..does sound a bit weird,

but if it's what you're into, and it's not harming anyone,

then I'm cool with that.

Why are Damian Green's troubles

particularly difficult for Theresa May?

-She was very good friends with him at university.

-Yeah.

Erm... That's it, isn't it?

-Ooh, she's very close to him politically.

-Absolutely.

So...if he isn't fired,

people might say it's because he is her good friend.

A Cabinet source told the Sunday Times...

-I bet that was on one of the videos!

-Yes!

Sorry.

Who came out in defence of Damian Green?

Is this David Davis?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, that was a story that he said,

-"If you fire him, I'll resign."

-Yes.

A lot of people said he was just looking for an excuse to resign.

Labour responded to Davis' intervention. What did they say?

Um...

Jess Phillips.

-Jess Phillips.

-Jess Phillips.

-Jess Phillips.

She mocked Davis's stance, tweeting...

Oh!

Jess has really lowered the tone. I do apologise.

And we should say that Damian Green is adamant he has...

How might Jeremy Corbyn find himself near some pornography very soon?

Oh, you mean if GQ is displayed on the top shelf?

Yes, he's on the cover of GQ.

This is Jeremy Corbyn. Ding-dong, Jeremy!

Look at that!

Do you think that's his real body, or have they superimposed his head?

-SATHNAM:

-He does come out very well, doesn't he?

A very attractive man.

Do you think he's been airbrushed?

I think he might have been a little touched up.

-Do you want to have a look at the original picture?

-Yes.

There we go.

According to editor Dylan Jones, taking the picture was...

Dylan Jones, by the way,

wrote the most sycophantic book about David Cameron

-in the history of sycophantic books.

-He's a bit of a right-winger, yeah.

-HAL:

-Do you think they did it hoping it would backfire,

-so they did him up, thought they'd make him look ridiculous...

-Oh, no!

..and actually he turns out to be a bit of a stunner?

It's a strange editorial approach,

putting people on the cover just to laugh at them. Really? I mean...

-There's no future in that.

-It'll never work.

What might have particularly annoyed Corbyn this week?

We know that he does like to travel by train.

Rail fares going up.

You're absolutely right.

-Rail fare rises.

-Yeah, they've gone up again!

They've gone up again by an average of 3.4%.

Way above inflation.

Were you "rrrrr" about that, Ian?

Rrrrrr! Yeah!

Rrrr! Brexit! Rrrrr!

Trains. Rrr-rrrrr!

-Yeah, it was announced...

-That's Popeye you were doing then!

You can add that to your list of impersonations!

Popeye, Gladstone, Gracie Fields - he can do all of 'em!

And finally, which train service is worth paying for?

Um, little clue...

LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: Oh, come on, let's go down...

-Thomas The Tank Engine!

-Thank you.

-Thomas The Tank Engine

-came into the station.

-That's right.

-Brilliant!

-Yes, Thomas The Tank Engine.

No, that's not me. I'm miming to this bloke over here.

It is Thomas The Tank Engine,

who just gets better and better.

-Yeah, they've introduced a lot of new characters to make it more realistic.

-Yes.

There's Ronnie The Replacement Bus.

-It's got better. There's lots of new and modern...

-Yes. There's also something marvellous.

-..twists.

I don't know if you've seen it.

It's some people called Five Mad Movie Makers, they're on YouTube,

and it went viral this week. Have a look at this.

-Oh, yeah.

-Isn't that brilliant? So good!

Yes, this is the ongoing scandal over claims pornography was found

on Damian Green's office computer.

You may not believe this,

but while I was researching this story about Damian Green,

pornographic images and the Metropolitan Police,

someone actually sent me a dick pic,

which I'm going to share with you now.

Commissioner Cressida Dick there, doing a fine job.

Also this week, the Social Mobility Commission resigned en masse,

saying that the Prime Minister was failing in her bid

to build a fairer Britain.

When she came to power,

Theresa May promised to help those who found themselves

"just about managing,"

little knowing that one year on, that would be her.

So, at the end of that round, two points apiece.

Going all right.

Right, and so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers hovering over the buzzers, teams, please.

BUZZER

-SATHNAM:

-This is Donald Trump.

Having sorted out gun control in America, and health care...

..he's now decided to sort out the Middle East,

and I'm sure the man who can't even find Theresa May on Twitter

is capable of sorting out

one of the most deeply entrenched political problems in human history.

He HAS united almost the entire world, though.

Yeah.

-Against him.

-Against him, yes!

This is the news that the United States

have formally recognised Jerusalem as Israel's capital city,

and plan to relocate their embassy there.

How has this gone down with other Middle Eastern powers?

It's a huge button in the last 50 years.

Don't press it.

Trump goes, "Ooh, yeah," bang.

I'm hoping this embassy is a bit like the wall.

A sort of invisible...

-It's in his head, largely.

-It's in his head, yeah.

And, also, you've got to get someone to build an embassy in Jerusalem.

Anybody fancy that as a construction job?

Let's get the locals to do it!

Hmm...

No, I don't think so.

I know, let's get some Mexicans to build it!

What's so frustrating with America

being like that is because they are so powerful, there is no way we can hit back.

Maybe little Meghan will be our secret weapon.

Little Meghan, when she comes over here and... Well, she's over here, isn't she?

-I don't think she's politically that powerful.

-She might be!

-Don't-don't, you know...

-She is compared to the United Kingdom.

No, there've been a lot of reactions from other Middle Eastern powers.

The Palestinians have called it

"the kiss of death for the peace process."

Turkey said it would plunge the region and world

"into a fire with no end in sight,"

while the Organisation for Islamic Cooperation have accused Trump

of "naked aggression,"

which I don't think, really...

No. No-one wants to see that, Donald.

Please!

Trump made an announcement at the White House.

What did some viewers think his speech revealed about him?

That he has dementia?

So close, the word.

It's not dementia, it's denture.

-Oh!

-Wow.

-They think he might have dentures.

Let's have a look.

The message I delivered at the historic and extraordinary summit

in Saudi Arabia...

I ask the leaders of the region, political and religious...

God bless the United Shtates, thank you very much.

Do you know, it almost looked there

like Mike Pence is working his hands.

He's got his hands up his jacket and he's doing that, and that...

There's something going on with the bottom rung, though, isn't there?

-Yeah.

-There's something...

Are you suggesting it's the teeth that are actually making the speech?

That he's somehow prisoner of his own canines?

He's got the teeth of Hitler! I can see the film now!

They saved Hitler's teeth and bunged them in Trump's mouth!

He probably wanted to say, "I just wish you all a happy Christmas,"

and it all came out as, you know... "Wah, wah, wah."

Why is Trump doing this now? Why now?

He's having certain problems with a man called Flynn,

and this week, he seems to have tweeted,

and landed himself into a load of trouble.

Some people are saying he's actually admitted to obstructing justice,

inadvertently, and his staff's defence of this

is that he didn't actually write the tweet.

Yes, it's quite ironic that this man who tweets his innermost thoughts

may have accidentally shot himself in the foot because he said that,

"The reason why I had to sack Flynn was because he lied to the FBI."

-Yes.

-And then the next day after sacking Flynn,

he then had a meeting with the head of the FBI

where he told him to drop the case,

which would be an obstruction of justice,

-if he knew he'd lied to the FBI.

-Yes.

The tweet actually said...

Which admittedly does sound like

the words of a top criminal defence lawyer.

If you go back to that tweet for a moment, as well,

there's a point somebody else has made,

that he has "pled" - lawyers don't say "pled," they use "pleaded."

-Yes. "Pled" is odd, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-That's his teeth.

He was trying to type "pleaded", but it's impossible with those dentures.

-He's got the teeth of Hitler, and the hands of Mussolini!

-Yeah!

Why does it not really matter whether Trump sent the tweet or not?

Cos we're all going to die in World War III.

According to Trump's legal team,

as Trump is the country's chief law enforcement officer,

he cannot obstruct justice.

-That's what Nixon tried to say as well.

-Yeah.

So, when you're, sort of, quoting Nixon's defence...

Why might Hillary Clinton be happy and bobbish at the moment?

Because Flynn led the chorus of "Lock her up, lock her up."

Let's have a look.

-CROWD CHANTS:

-Lock her up!

-Lock her up!

That's right.

Yes, that's right, lock her up!

I'm going to tell you what, it's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable.

If I did a tenth... a tenth of what she did,

I would be in jail today.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Luckily liberals are not a petty bunch, and were big enough

to let that slide when Flynn was ushered into a car by his lawyer

after news of his indictment broke.

Lock him up! Lock him up!

Lock him up!

Criminal! Lock him up!

Lock him up!

-It's just one voice, isn't it?

-Yeah.

LOCK HIM UP!

LOCK HIM UP! Um...

Ooh, that hurt slightly.

Two former Trump aides published a tell-all book about the President this week.

-What did it reveal?

-He has his trousers pressed

-by his staff while he's still wearing them.

-Yes, exactly!

He has them steamed.

He likes having them steamed while wearing them.

It's so weird. According to the book,

Trump would yell, "Get the machine!"

and...and...

I've gone all... I've gone all sort of... Oh!

And Hope Hicks, Trump's Communications Advisor,

would take out the steamer

and start steaming Mr Trump's suit with him still in it.

She'd steam the jacket first...

That means trousers in America.

-That's true, it does.

-It means trousers.

-The book also reveals the secrets of Trump's diet.

-Oh, yes.

Which the authors compare to...

How did he stay in shape during the election?

He ate two Big Macs and two Filet-O-Fish for each meal.

-That's it.

-Yes!

-And a milkshake as well.

Imagine how big those Big Macs would look in those tiny hands.

-I've never had a Big Mac, cos I'm Indian and I don't partake of the holy cow.

-Yeah.

Are they healthy?

There's no problem for you to eat one - there's no meat in them!

Oh!

Another one for the lawyers.

According to the book...

Trump's preferred order being...

Which is sadly just 20 chicken nuggets and a McFlurry short of an instant heart attack.

Apparently, the same person also said that

his plane is littered with open packets of biscuits

because he's a germaphobe and so he doesn't like to go to something that's been touched by someone else.

I just don't believe it. I mean,

a man with an arse his size

always finishes his biscuits, you know.

Just don't believe a word of it.

He might have the arse of Stalin.

That's three films.

They saved Hitler's teeth, they saved Mussolini's hands

and, oh, my God, it's Stalin's arse!

Watch out in the cinemas next Christmas.

Finally, what has Trump been doing in a barbers in Taiwan?

Well, he's not been there, has he?

-He hasn't been there...

-But his lookalike has.

They're doing a Trump haircut.

Yes, yes, they are.

-Is it a barn owl who looks just like him?

-Well, not quite.

-Not a barn owl.

-Not a barn owl.

-Not a barn owl?

-No.

-Is it a parrot?

It's not a parrot, either.

-Parakeet!

-Parakeet! Sadly, not.

No!

Well, what sort of bird is it, then?

It's not even a bird, lads.

Well, why are you mentioning them, then?!

I thought we were playing which bird looks like Trump!

It's not a bird.

It's not Trump personally,

-but a local Trump fan.

-Yes.

Who spent three hours in the barbers getting this done.

-Looks like Gollum.

-Yeah, it does!

This is Donald Trump's latest attempt

to bring lasting peace to the world.

One of many people to condemn Trump's position on Jerusalem

was Pope Francis.

Mind you, the Pope's never really liked the President

ever since their first meeting, when Trump saw a flash of white dress,

and plunged forward for a quick grab.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Oh, there's a guy who, to show how TripAdvisor can be manipulated,

just got all his friends to say this...

..whatever the restaurant was called,

Marco's Spaghetti House, or something...

-The Shed.

-The Shed, was it called The Shed?

..and decided to tweet about it, and say, "This was really good,"

and it got to the top of TripAdvisor,

-but it actually didn't exist.

-Absolutely right, Paul.

This is the news that a fake restaurant in a shed

became London's number one-rated eatery on TripAdvisor.

How did The Shed at Dulwich describe itself?

-Fusion.

-Bit more pretentious.

"The Chateauneuf du Pape had an aroma of creosote."

Its fake website explained

that they don't have a traditional menu per se.

"Instead of meals, our menu is comprised of moods."

Here are some pictures uploaded to the TripAdvisor website.

Can you guess what this is?

It's creme brulee, or something, is it?

Is it salmon?

Mmm. It's actually a bleach tablet,

covered in honey, shaving foam, and pepper.

And what do you think this food is?

-HAL:

-A rabbit's been over that, hasn't it?

No, it's a sponge covered in paint, with shaving foam and coffee beans.

And, finally, what is this?

Is it like, the stuff on it is, like, from the bottom of your feet

-when you rub your feet with a...?

-Ohh!

Is it a joke shop egg?

Mmm...this is an egg on a foot.

It WAS his feet!

In other fake food news,

popular meat substitute manufacturer Quorn have been criticised

for their packaging this week.

Dan Douglas bought some mini Quorn sausage rolls, and then tweeted...

The sausage rolls claimed to be a pack of 12,

but then Dan read the small print.

"12 mini rolls when cut into fours."

-So good!

-That is brilliant!

-It is brilliant.

Which means at the end of this round,

it is Ian and Hal have two,

Paul and Sathnam on four.

Well done!

APPLAUSE

Time now for the odd one out round.

Paul and Sathnam, your four are Piers Morgan,

Vicki Pipe and Geoff Marshall,

a demolition company in Detroit,

and Belgian performance artist Mikes Poppe,

who's called Mikes Poppe, but I like saying "Mikish Popper."

OK, Piers Morgan at the top there seems to be eating toast -

maybe he's choking on the toast.

The demolition company in Detroit...

They failed to blow up a stadium.

It's got to be that, hasn't it,

because there wouldn't be any story in they DID blow up a stadium?

Unless of course, they hadn't been commissioned to do that.

So, yeah, let's go with that, then -

let's say they didn't blow up the stadium.

And that couple, I think,

-have an ambition to visit every railway station in Britain.

-Ah-ha.

So is it about people who want to be completist?

-Obviously Piers Morgan wants to annoy every person in Britain.

-Yes.

-So he's achieved that.

-Yeah.

Three of them have achieved complete missions,

whereas the Detroit company failed.

That's not a bad answer, we'll go with that.

It's so close.

-You might as well give us the points, then.

-It's...

It's actually more about failure, guys.

It's more about failure.

So Piers Morgan failed to choke himself to death...

..despite sponsorship.

The people at the top failed to visit every railway station.

No, they went to see, visited every railway station,

so they're the odd ones out, cos they succeeded,

-and everybody else failed.

-Yeah, absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

They've all failed to complete a task,

apart from Vicki Pipe and Geoff Marshall,

who succeeded in their task to visit every train station in Britain

-this summer.

-I bet they didn't mean to!

It's not that interesting a thing to do, though, is it?

Well, I suppose it is, but you wouldn't want to spend Christmas

-with them, would you?

-Aww! They're nice!

No, not when you could have David Davis come round.

That'd be the real treat, wouldn't it?

You wouldn't know what to stuff first.

-Let's move on to the failures.

-Yes.

Piers Morgan was hired to turn on the Christmas lights

in Stockbridge in Hampshire.

After the Christmas lights in Stockbridge failed to come on,

Piers claimed...

Of course, the real failure was not connecting the live wire

to Piers' genitals.

Let's have a look at Piers' failing.

OK, here we go, Stockbridge, are you ready for this?

CROWD: Yes!

-Count after me, five...

-CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one...

-Let's go!

-CHEERING

-Now, we must focus on the other failure.

-Yeah.

Mikes Poppe, do you know what he failed at?

-Was he going to cover his entire body in gold foil...?

-No.

-Ran out of foil?

-No.

-Nothing to do with what we're looking at, then?

No, it really hasn't. No.

It's going to be difficult for us to get it, then, isn't it?

He chained himself to an enormous block of marble,

from which he tried to, sort of, chisel himself out,

-and after his 19 day ordeal...

-19 days?!

Yeah. ..he told the Telegraph...

Vicki Pipe and Geoff Marshall spent 15 weeks this summer

visiting every single one of Britain's railway stations by train.

To pay for their railway journey to every station,

they crowdfunded £38,000.

That got them as far as Manchester in peak time.

After that, they were on their own.

Piers Morgan's attempt to turn on the Christmas lights in Stockbridge

was unsuccessful.

This is an odd failure for a man who can normally light up a room

just by leaving it.

Ian and Hal, here are yours.

Major Charles Ingram, residents of Newfield Lodge retirement home

in Castleford, Henry VIII's wives,

and SpongeBob SquarePants.

Well, that's Major Ingram,

-who was accused of cheating on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

-Yeah.

-Coughing guy, yeah.

-And he coughed.

Yeah, somebody coughed in the audience.

-A friend coughed in the audience, yeah.

-Is coughing the link?

No, coughing's not the link.

Since it's nearly Christmas, I'll give you a Christmassy clue.

-Was it...? Oh, is it panto?

-No.

-Is everyone in panto?

-Anne Boleyn?

-No, no.

Reading in Octagon. Puss In Boots.

They've written a play about Charles Ingram

-on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

-They have.

There's been many plays about the six wives of Henry VIII.

SpongeBob PlayPants, whatever his name is,

he's got a play written about him and the care home haven't

because it wouldn't be very interesting.

-Well...

-Were they in a play?

-Yes!

Yes, points all round, guys.

-They've all been the subject...

-I don't understand what's happening.

This is what it's like in a care home, "What's happening now?

"Have we had our custard?"

They've all been the subject of stage adaptations

apart from the elderly residents of Castleford retirement home

-in Yorkshire who are putting on a nativity play.

-Oh, good.

Yes! The cast features a 93-year-old sheep

and here's the star of the show, 98-year-old Mary Maskell

who's playing the donkey.

Now, why is she particularly happy to be playing the donkey?

It's warm.

In rehearsal, she triumphantly declared...

-Awww!

-It's really lovely. She told the Mirror...

-Aw!

-Very good.

-It's quite sweet but it's going to be rubbish.

Sorry, no, good luck with it.

-You're the most conflicted person I've ever met.

-Really weird.

Horrible to old people, nice to David Davis.

And Henry VIII's six wives are to be

the subject of a new West End musical called SiX.

Cambridge University students Lucy Moss and Toby Marlow

wrote the musical for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year.

Where it was put on by the...

Or CUMTS.

They've all been the subject of stage adaptations

apart from the elderly residents of Castleford retirement home

in Yorkshire who are putting on a nativity play.

The cast, all in their 80s and 90s, include...

Even more amazing, their parents are all coming to watch it!

Rehearsals have been very stressful as each time the angel descends,

everyone wonders who it's come for this time.

Which means at the end of this wonderful round, it is

Ian and Hal with three points,

Paul and Sathnam with seven.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, dear, we're getting trumped.

Does somebody actually keep the scores

-for the whole series?

-Yeah, Paul!

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

On page three, there is a girl who is, of course, triceratopless.

And we start with...

And could even hold down a job in the Government

making David Davis look like the complete buffoon

that he actually is.

APPLAUSE

It's actually "understand the concept of space and time."

Yeah, time is very important for pigeons.

One hour 40 at gas mark five, and they're delicious.

Next...

-HAL:

-The Bootleg Suffragettes?

It's "all-female Big Brother."

To celebrate 100 years of women's suffrage,

Channel 5 have announced they will be running

a female-only Celebrity Big Brother in January.

When the producer was asked to comment on the series, he said,

"It's a great step forward for the feminist movement.

"And I bet they keep the house nice and tidy too."

Next...

Eat a pear. Kiss a bear.

-You're right about the rhyming.

-It is rhyming.

Pretend you're Tony Blair.

Pretend you're Tony Blair.

-HAL:

-You can even touch me there.

-Oh!

It is in fact...

-Wow.

-Oooh!

-Oh.

-The most poetic use of the English language

since Charlotte and Emily Bronte-saurus.

Next...

Maximum security prison.

Mega. Mega-something.

-Mega-scarves.

-Mega-scarves! Exactly.

That make women look like a giant sock.

Oh, my God!

Here is the massive scarf.

That's a bit awkward.

I just think elephant's penis.

Sorry!

How often does this happen to you?

Finally...

-HAL:

-Shat herself.

"Grabs wrong end of dog."

This is good - let's have a look at this important moment.

Oh!

-ON VIDEO:

-Mum, you've got the dog's arse!

You've got it upside down!

So, the final scores are, Ian and Hal have three points,

Paul and Sathnam have nine points.

-Oh, well done.

-APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that in Sussex,

locals realised that Southern Rail are already operating

on a Christmas timetable.

At the launch of a new iPhone charger,

Apple once again create a product

incompatible with anything else.

And in New York, evidence emerges that once a year,

like other reptiles, Donald Trump sheds his skin.

Goodnight!

APPLAUSE