Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


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Episode 8

The extended version of the news quiz. Regular captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are joined by guest host Katherine Ryan and panellists Richard Osman and Desiree Burch.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Katherine Ryan. In the news this week...

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Looking to boost her public profile in 2018,

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Labour's Emily Thornberry doesn't hold back

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at the Strictly Come Dancing auditions.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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At a department store in Leicester, there's evidence that the boss' son

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may not be taking his work experience seriously enough.

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And in London, there are fears the RSPCA

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may have developed a paramilitary wing.

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APPLAUSE

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On Ian's team tonight, a writer and co-presenter of Pointless

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whose many talents include TV production,

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appearing on quiz shows and pretending to enjoy

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Alexander Armstrong's Christmas album.

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-Please welcome Richard Osman!

-Hiya.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight, an actor and comedian

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whose Fringe show was described as one of the most breathtaking

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monologues you'll see in Edinburgh.

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Well, unless you've ever tried to pay a Scottish taxi driver

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with an English tenner.

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Please welcome Desiree Burch.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Desiree, take a look at this.

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Ah, yes, a town crier.

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This is about one of the happier unions

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between this country and America.

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There's the Royal Family out on a night out.

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Yeah, this is good news for the Royal Family

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and royal watchers that Prince Harry and Meghan, is it...?

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-Yeah.

-..are getting married next year.

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You must be the only person who doesn't know her name.

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Yeah, I kind of sort of haven't been following it, to be honest.

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-Meghan something.

-Markle.

-Really?

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Yes, she's Chancellor of Germany.

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-Ah!

-LAUGHTER

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And she's also a little old lady detective who solves crimes.

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Oh, yes.

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-He's getting married to Margaret Rutherford.

-Yeah!

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So, yeah, they're getting married in May

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because there's a baby due in April.

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-His brother is having a baby.

-His brother's having a baby?

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-They've moved on!

-Quite progressive now.

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Exactly, yes. William and the one he's married to.

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-He's married to Poirot.

-Poirot! That's the one, Poirot, yeah.

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How have you avoided this big news?

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Well, because I don't live next door to them,

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I can sort of just turn the TV off when it comes on.

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I know it's not the way to sort of normally approach a news quiz,

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but, er...

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You don't feel like partaking in their joy?

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-No.

-No.

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Some people have said, "There's other things going on in the world,

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"why are people going on about it?" I genuinely think, as a country,

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we've seen that little boy grow up and he lost his mum.

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And he's turned into this rather mischievous, naughty,

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sort of funny, kind boy and he's obviously met someone lovely

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and is getting married. And I think, if you can't take a bit of joy

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at that, what can you take joy at?

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That's nice, Richard. APPLAUSE

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Can I just say, you've all lost your edge.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm disappointed in you.

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-It's just nice that it's not Brexit or Trump.

-Yeah.

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-I know that's the next two rounds, but...

-It's everything else.

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It's a short break. It's a fantasy holiday.

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-So is that the right answer?

-It is!

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This is further evidence of the acceptance

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of minority ethnic people,

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as a beautiful American actress is set to wed a ginger person.

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So here's the thing I don't get,

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because when I was reading all of the million stories about them,

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it said that they met on a blind date.

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How do you go on a blind date with a prince?

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It's like, "OK, so tell me more about him."

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"Well, OK, he's a redhead, I know you like that."

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And then it's like "What does he do for a living?"

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"Well, he was in the military

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"but then he's now just kind of living off the state."

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Well, in America, they had an entire reality show,

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something to the effect of Who Wants To Marry Harry?

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And they had all these women, bachelor-style,

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vying for the tiara.

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And they just stuck in any old random ginger actor

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and they believed it was him!

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They were like, "I think I'm the one to be the princess,

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"I really like Harry." They didn't know.

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I lost a long-standing bet

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that he was going to get married to a Kardashian. I'm gutted!

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I thought it would've been lovely to unite the two great houses.

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Which one do you feel like he'd marry?

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Um... Name them for me.

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Obviously the press devoted a lot of pages to the story.

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The Mail went with, "The Stars Were All Aligned".

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The Express went with, "The Look Of Love".

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The Sun, "She's The One!"

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But The Star went with,

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"Let's All Have It Orf!"

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-What is that?

-It's a posh way of saying "off".

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-It's orf.

-Let's have it o-o-rf.

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They're suggesting a bank holiday, which we're not going to have.

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-Oh, really?

-Yeah, seems a shame.

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I tell you what, you'll have the day off if you get invited, though.

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-This would be a good place to pitch for that.

-Yeah.

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You've done a very good pronunciation of "orf".

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Yeah. Somehow I feel my invite won't be on the way.

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So, wait, you get a holiday when royals get married?

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You get to have the day off to watch it on television?

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-That's why we've got them.

-Ah!

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It's not always a day off.

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But Theresa May could have let us have a holiday, anyway,

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like the whole week off,

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because she won't be around in the spring to worry about it, anyway.

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How did Jeremy Corbyn express his delight at the news?

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He sang. # Oh, Meghan Merkel... #

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, I'm just hearing an invitation being ripped up.

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Jeremy Corbyn tried to express his delight at the news,

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but he was betrayed by typical BBC anti-Corbyn bias.

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When he meant to say how much he admired Harry and his brother,

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the subtitles machine had Corbyn as saying,

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"He really admired Harry and Hezbollah."

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LAUGHTER

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How did Meghan's closest childhood friend

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cooperate with the Daily Mail to add to Meghan's joy?

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She accepted the cheque.

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Yeah.

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And then the friend said...

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-I mean, with friends like that, though...

-Yeah.

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-..who needs enemies?

-That's mean, isn't it?

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Well, but I feel like probably a lot of your friends

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that you don't realise are like that,

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and they're your friends until you're engaged to a prince.

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I do think you have a slight outsider's view on this.

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Most people in this country,

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if you said you're engaged to a member of the Royal Family,

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they'd go, "Oh, I am sorry."

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And her friends are watching the wrong princess movies!

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It's not about getting the man.

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Look at Frozen.

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It's a feminist film about a woman finding her own way

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in the world of making ice.

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Oh, let it go.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's get down to some important details. How did Harry propose?

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They were having a chicken.

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-Ah, chicken!

-Yeah.

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Essentially, they'd dialled out for a Nando's is essentially what it is.

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Yeah. Yes, according to Meghan, he went down on one knee...

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OVER a roast chicken?!

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-It's the typical British custom to kneel over a roast chicken.

-Yes.

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-Drop the dinner on the floor then propose!

-Yeah.

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She's like, "But I wanted that!"

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And they say, "Cheeky marriage?"

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-I never would've guessed.

-And then to get the ring, you go in...

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According to Harper's Bazaar, which special rule of the Queen's

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did Meghan Markle break at the engagement photoshoot?

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Oh, she didn't kill a swan?

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-Hates that, the Queen, doesn't she?

-Yes.

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They're supposed to wear tights, and Meghan wasn't wearing them.

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Supposed to wear tights?

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What a ludicrous rule!

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You mustn't believe anything written about the Royal Family.

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I mean, royal correspondents, on the whole, know nothing.

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-Hm.

-At all. So they just make it up.

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"A rule since 1582 - all royal women must put swans on their heads."

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-It's just drivel! I mean, literally drivel.

-Yeah.

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-I've never heard such rubbish.

-OK.

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Harper's BIZARRE.

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What does the immediate future hold for Meghan?

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-Cleaning a chicken stain off the kitchen floor.

-Yeah!

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They've got to decide whose to go to for Christmas.

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Is it Balmoral or is it...?

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-Where's she from?

-Well, she's from LA and her dad lives in Mexico,

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-so definitely go see her side of the family for the holidays.

-Yeah.

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I imagine they'll be going to Balmoral, that's my guess.

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-Yes.

-I imagine the Queen will have put her foot down.

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-MANCUNIAN ACCENT:

-"You're coming to Balmoral with us, all right?"

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"I told you 14 times, you're not going to Mexico!"

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"Right, put on a paper hat and pretend you're enjoying yourself."

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I love the fact that the Royal Family

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put on crowns on Christmas Day!

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Well, Meghan will get to see it all.

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She'll have to spend Christmas with the entire Royal Family

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at Sandringham, where, according to The Telegraph...

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Maybe they'll play a board game? Pointless, maybe, Richard?

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The board game is not great, I'm going to be honest with you.

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It's not brilliant.

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That's the first non-advert I've ever heard!

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Meghan is a big fan of Pointless, did you know that?

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No, I did not know that.

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Here she is on an American chat show appearance,

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where she insisted on this as her walk-on music.

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Please welcome the lovely Meghan Markle, everybody!

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POINTLESS THEME TUNE PLAYS

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Wow! You look sensational!

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Are you allowed to say that on television?

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She seems to have forgotten to wear her trousers.

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The audience were obviously very disappointed

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that it wasn't Richard walking out on stage.

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-Oh, yeah, they'd have loved that!

-It's the Pointless music!

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I know it is. I'm ready to go, I'm ready to record four shows,

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-let's do it!

-Well, she does look sensational, she looks sensational.

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Yeah, she does look fantastic.

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I don't understand how you get the right balance of nutrients

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to be that thin but have that much glossy hair.

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I can fill you in.

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-She's so glossy, like a panther!

-Yeah.

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She's just stunning, isn't she?

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She probably has oilers.

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-She's oiled.

-Have you ever seen this show before?

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This is very happy news that Prince Harry is to marry his first wife.

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Meghan Markle's Instagram site proudly displays

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her feminist credentials with this motto.

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In a way, she has smashed through a glass ceiling.

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30 years ago, Prince Philip would have been making jokes

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about people of colour, now he's got one in the Secret Santa.

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Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

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There's a turkey.

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-That's the internet, I presume.

-Yeah, Trump.

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His life continues to be a cross between Last Of The Summer Wine

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and The Omen.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't think we should really be talking about Britain First

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because there's only about eight of them,

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so he shouldn't really give 'em publicity.

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Brittany First - that's a much more interesting organisation.

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They are a very, very good ferry company and they're...

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They've got a video which is a tour around Saint-Malo,

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which really is... I would recommend...

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-It makes you want to go, doesn't it?

-Yeah, I mean, it really does.

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-It captures the atmosphere.

-And it's so easy to get there.

-Very simple.

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-And I hear the duty free is terrific on the way back as well.

-Totally.

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-Well, that seems to cover that, then!

-Hm.

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No, and then he...

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I've-I've muted Donald Trump on Twitter,

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which I'd recommend to everybody,

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in much the same way my grandad used to turn his hearing aid off

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when EastEnders came on.

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And it's... So I sort of miss most of what he says

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and it makes my life a much happier place, I have to say,

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cos he's a buffoon of the highest order.

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You could not be on Twitter.

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What, sorry?!

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He's retweeted some stuff in the middle of the night.

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Which is what he does. Is that the story?

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It is! Trump retweeted a clip and it was captioned...

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Now, Dutch officials have made it very clear the assailant

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in the video was neither Muslim nor a migrant.

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Other videos had a similar theme and were also questionably labelled.

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Who had tweeted these videos in the first place?

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Well, it was this Britain First organisation.

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They're fringe fascists and they put together this stuff.

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But this is what Isis does.

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It gets video clips out of context,

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chops them up and then uses them to try and brainwash people.

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It's doing exactly the same thing.

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And you're the President of the United States and you do that.

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Late at night, in your underpants, looking at the television.

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I have no evidence for that.

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-You have no evidence?

-That is fake news.

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He's probably wearing pyjamas.

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They're suggesting now,

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because of these things that he retweeted

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and then he had a go at Theresa May as well,

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that they should cancel the State visit.

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My view would be, "Bring it on!"

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Let's have him over here. Let's make THAT a bank holiday.

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-APPLAUSE

-Imagine that.

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Imagine those streets. Young and old, Muslim, Christian,

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lining every street in Britain, booing an orange racist.

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That would be amazing.

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I saw what you guys did to David Blaine.

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There was a Labour MP that said he should come

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and he should be arrested for inciting racial hatred.

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Now, wouldn't that be a story?

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Arresting the President of the United States of America.

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I bet the US wouldn't extradite him, either!

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"Keep him. All yours."

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"We've never heard of him."

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Trump has been condemned for sharing the post

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from all corners of the internet,

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even by loyal pal and sometimes cheerleader Piers Morgan,

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who asked Trump...

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Um, probably just what you were doing when you were editor

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of the Mirror and covered your front page with those unverified photos

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of British soldiers pissing on Iraqis.

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Do we have to bring that up about Piers?

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The fact that he was sacked for that,

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I think is, you know...

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-It's history.

-What was the story? I can't quite remember the details.

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Well...

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They were very unpleasant photographs

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-and they turned out not to be genuine.

-Oh!

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And, you know, he'd put them in as editor

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and he was fired, but it was a long time ago

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-and things were different then.

-Yeah.

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Prime Minister Theresa May released a statement criticising Trump's

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actions and accusing Britain First of peddling lies.

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-How did Trump respond?

-He was very rude to her.

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And he said, "You concentrate on the Islamic terror in your midst."

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-He tweeted the wrong Theresa May at first.

-Yeah.

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It was another Theresa May. I'm not sure who she is.

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It's a woman with six followers, it's not our Prime Minister.

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-That IS our Prime Minister!

-APPLAUSE

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Do you feel that Theresa May needs to stay on the right side of Trump?

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Don't we need someone to trade with after Brexit?

0:15:470:15:49

-Oh, we've got loads of people...

-OK.

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We're going to re-establish our close ties with the Philippines.

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We've got a big deal coming up with Narnia.

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All you've got to do is find the right wardrobe, we've always said.

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But on the subject of Brexit,

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it looks like the Brexit bill will be 50 billion euros.

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Is everybody happy about that? Is this what people voted for?

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They were told a year ago it would be 50 billion.

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And Boris said, "No, we're not going to pay a penny."

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That's a clue, when he says that.

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But it's true, we're not going to pay a penny.

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And that they can go and whistle. Which they then whistled,

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and we came running and gave them a cheque for 50 billion.

0:16:280:16:31

-So wait, this is 50 billion pounds or euros?

-About the same thing.

0:16:310:16:34

If you work that out, it's a tiny price to pay.

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That's, like, three bottles of coconut water from Waitrose.

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It was always going to be 50 billion. Everyone knew.

0:16:450:16:47

They could have paid it immediately

0:16:470:16:49

but weren't allowed to because it looked bad.

0:16:490:16:51

"Look, don't do Article 50,

0:16:510:16:52

"give yourself all the time in the world to negotiate.

0:16:520:16:54

"Get the legal stuff out of the way, get that done,

0:16:540:16:56

"and then you start negotiating."

0:16:560:16:58

That's how to negotiate. There's absolutely no reason

0:16:580:17:00

why you can't have a successful Brexit,

0:17:000:17:02

but not the way they're doing it.

0:17:020:17:03

You're wasted in television.

0:17:030:17:05

-I often am, yeah, I am.

-APPLAUSE

0:17:060:17:10

Theresa May will hope the final offer on payment will show

0:17:130:17:15

sufficient progress has been made for the EU to begin trade talks,

0:17:150:17:18

but what might scupper this plan?

0:17:180:17:20

This is the next problem, the Irish border.

0:17:200:17:23

But they'll come to some sort of compromise.

0:17:230:17:26

We're very good at that.

0:17:260:17:28

Perhaps they'll build a wall and make Bono pay for it.

0:17:280:17:30

Even cheaper, just get Jedward to stand there.

0:17:320:17:34

What's the problem with Ireland not having a hard border?

0:17:370:17:40

Because... It's one of the great advances in our lifetime,

0:17:400:17:43

is Ireland doesn't have a hard border

0:17:430:17:45

and the Troubles are over and there's sort of some harmony,

0:17:450:17:49

and the idea that Brexit would break this up is very unpopular.

0:17:490:17:53

-Mm-hm.

-I can't imagine why.

0:17:530:17:55

And not just in Ireland.

0:17:550:17:56

-Yeah.

-So they have to come with some idea,

0:17:560:18:00

an electronic border in the sea,

0:18:000:18:02

um...sounds feasible.

0:18:020:18:04

-Also, sounds cool.

-Yeah!

0:18:040:18:07

We'll all be microchipped soon.

0:18:070:18:09

My cat has a microchip so that the cat flap only opens for him.

0:18:090:18:12

Are you suggesting we microchip

0:18:120:18:14

the entire population of Northern Ireland?

0:18:140:18:16

I'm not suggesting, I'm saying it's coming!

0:18:160:18:20

Back to Trump. What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas?

0:18:200:18:23

Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations?

0:18:230:18:27

I mean, Melania thinks they're very beautiful!

0:18:270:18:30

LAUGHTER

0:18:310:18:33

HEAVY ACCENT: "Oh, no, me, Melania, number one lady of USA."

0:18:350:18:39

Yeah, she's helping to get ready for Christmas.

0:18:410:18:44

But some people say she's not quite captured the festive spirit.

0:18:440:18:47

Let's have a look.

0:18:470:18:48

I mean, if a child drew that in crayon,

0:18:530:18:56

you would take them straight into care.

0:18:560:18:58

I think the look is "Nuclear Winterval".

0:18:590:19:03

I think the look is "Cry For Help"!

0:19:030:19:05

We should do a Kickstarter to go and save her, shouldn't we?

0:19:050:19:08

-Yeah.

-Helicopter her out.

-The whole thing...

0:19:080:19:10

We don't have a clip of it but there are ballerinas just dancing for her

0:19:100:19:14

as she's stood there. If it were any more Freudian,

0:19:140:19:17

she'd just be in a withered chair in the corner, rocking back and forth.

0:19:170:19:20

Just her face - you know that

0:19:200:19:22

that contractually obliged handjob is around the corner. It's just...

0:19:220:19:26

LAUGHTER

0:19:260:19:28

That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner.

0:19:280:19:32

Just her weeping into the wall, like, "OK!"

0:19:330:19:37

-She is an innocent gold-digger caught up in a dangerous game.

-Yeah.

0:19:380:19:42

-Shall we move away from this troubling subject?

-Yeah.

0:19:440:19:48

OK. Someone has genuinely made and sells this online.

0:19:480:19:52

"I am the storm, the great American grizzly."

0:20:050:20:10

Introducing the original Trumpy Bear,

0:20:100:20:13

the fearless super plush American grizzly.

0:20:130:20:17

Trumpy Bear was born June 14th,

0:20:170:20:19

Flag Day.

0:20:190:20:21

Just find the secret zipper

0:20:210:20:22

and pull out the American-flag-themed blanket.

0:20:220:20:26

God bless America and God bless Trumpy Bear.

0:20:260:20:29

You know, there's nothing like making you feel like a patriot

0:20:300:20:33

as you pull your country's flag out of a bear's arse.

0:20:330:20:36

Does it every time for me.

0:20:360:20:39

-You could hide a gun back there.

-It's always about hiding guns.

0:20:390:20:42

They should fix that amendment, the right of bears to be armed.

0:20:420:20:45

-Pretty good.

-I would really like one of those bears.

0:20:450:20:47

I'll go on record as saying it, cos it's before Christmas

0:20:470:20:50

and there'll be people at home thinking what to get me.

0:20:500:20:52

-You're going to get 75 of those bears now.

-I would kind of love one.

0:20:520:20:55

What would you do with a Trumpy Bear?

0:20:550:20:57

Oh, I don't know. I'd probably impeach it.

0:20:570:21:00

LAUGHTER

0:21:000:21:02

This is Donald Trump, who has somehow managed to tweet something

0:21:020:21:04

even more stupid and offensive than his own thoughts.

0:21:040:21:07

Despite the current Fuhrer, President Trump...

0:21:070:21:10

Oh, wait, no! Whoo! Despite the current FURORE,

0:21:100:21:13

President Trump is still...

0:21:130:21:15

-Fuhrer?!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:150:21:18

That's the best Freudian slip I've ever seen.

0:21:240:21:27

I read it wrong. Despite the current furore,

0:21:280:21:30

President Trump is still scheduled

0:21:300:21:32

to make a transatlantic trip next year.

0:21:320:21:34

He'll visit Britain first.

0:21:340:21:35

Then the EDL, finishing off with the BNP.

0:21:350:21:38

So at the end of that round, it's two points each.

0:21:380:21:42

APPLAUSE

0:21:420:21:44

And so to Round Two - the Picture Spin Quiz.

0:21:490:21:53

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:21:530:21:55

BUZZER Desiree.

0:21:580:22:00

This is this really old dumb guy who wants to, like, go in a rocket.

0:22:000:22:04

Richard Branson?

0:22:040:22:06

Yes, but even Branson knows that the world is round.

0:22:070:22:10

-And this guy doesn't.

-It does say Research Flat Earth,

0:22:100:22:13

so you're saying he thinks the Earth is flat and he's built a rocket

0:22:130:22:15

-to prove it?

-To research it.

-Uh-huh.

-Yes.

0:22:150:22:18

This is the news we'll have to wait a little bit longer to know for sure

0:22:180:22:20

if the Earth is round or flat,

0:22:200:22:23

after an important experiment was postponed.

0:22:230:22:25

Who was behind the mission?

0:22:250:22:26

His name's, like, Mad Max or something. But, like, not...

0:22:260:22:30

It's something like that, like Mad...

0:22:300:22:32

-Mad Mike.

-There you go.

0:22:320:22:34

What has Mad Mike been up to in his garage recently?

0:22:340:22:37

-Presumably, he's been building a rocket.

-Yeah.

0:22:370:22:40

Is that not the answer we were looking for?

0:22:420:22:44

-That's the answer.

-Oh, brilliant. You're so good.

-Thanks.

0:22:440:22:48

He has been building a steam-powered rocket from scrap metal...

0:22:490:22:53

-Steam-powered?

-Yes.

0:22:530:22:54

He was meant to launch the rocket, with him in it, last Saturday.

0:22:560:23:00

But why didn't it go to plan?

0:23:000:23:01

He's been sectioned.

0:23:010:23:03

The California Bureau of Land Management

0:23:050:23:07

did not give him the right permits.

0:23:070:23:10

Mike told YouTube...

0:23:100:23:11

I mean, I hate to say it -

0:23:220:23:23

I am starting to lose confidence in Mad Mike.

0:23:230:23:25

How has tech genius Elon Musk

0:23:280:23:30

got into a debate with the Flat Earth Society?

0:23:300:23:33

My son was telling me the other day that the Flat Earth Society

0:23:330:23:35

had a tweet saying, "We're proud to have members around the globe."

0:23:350:23:38

LAUGHTER

0:23:380:23:41

-Genius.

-They do.

0:23:440:23:46

I think Elon Musk tweeted, he said,

0:23:460:23:48

"Explain to me, Flat Earth Society, why Mars isn't flat."

0:23:480:23:52

Yes, Elon Musk said...

0:23:520:23:53

To which the Flat Earth Society replied...

0:23:560:23:58

Wow!

0:24:040:24:06

Meanwhile, who was recently discovered

0:24:060:24:08

to have been using witchcraft in modern Britain? And what for?

0:24:080:24:12

-Oh, the water authorities.

-Yeah.

-There was a story last week,

0:24:120:24:14

about 9 out of 11 water authorities

0:24:140:24:17

still use dowsing rods to try and find water underground.

0:24:170:24:20

The universe is made up of nine tenths of stuff

0:24:200:24:22

they don't even know what it is.

0:24:220:24:24

-They just know there's nine tenths of it.

-Yeah?

0:24:240:24:26

So, you know, science is always pushing forward

0:24:260:24:28

and knowledge and stuff. I find it intriguing

0:24:280:24:30

that they're still doing it.

0:24:300:24:31

And quartz powers watches,

0:24:310:24:32

which is why I have metaphysical crystals at home.

0:24:320:24:35

-That empower me to have better skin.

-Hm.

0:24:350:24:38

Right?

0:24:380:24:40

I dunno.

0:24:400:24:41

I've no idea. Does it work?

0:24:410:24:43

I mean, look at me.

0:24:430:24:45

Also, why do the batteries in your remote control last so long?

0:24:450:24:48

-What's that all about?

-Hm.

0:24:480:24:50

Something's going on.

0:24:510:24:53

Some people insist the rods move,

0:24:530:24:55

so how can we explain water divining?

0:24:550:24:58

Well, I don't know that we can.

0:24:580:25:00

But it's just interesting that they do it.

0:25:000:25:02

And these are the people who are experts in searching for water,

0:25:020:25:05

so presumably they're getting some kind of result,

0:25:050:25:07

-otherwise they wouldn't bother.

-Some people have an explanation.

0:25:070:25:10

Some scientists say the rods are made to move

0:25:100:25:13

by subconscious movement of the hand called the...

0:25:130:25:15

That's how Trump tweets, as well.

0:25:170:25:19

So it's just like a water ouija board?

0:25:190:25:22

Yes, it is like a ouija board.

0:25:220:25:23

-Oh, OK.

-It explains ouija boards

0:25:230:25:25

and why five million people still watch The One Show.

0:25:250:25:28

Don't start having a go at The One Show, come on.

0:25:300:25:32

-I know.

-You're better than that.

-We appeared in it together.

0:25:320:25:35

It was a magical evening.

0:25:350:25:36

Yeah, with Seal. And someone came on just before Seal and said,

0:25:360:25:39

"Seal doesn't shake hands, Seal doesn't shake hands."

0:25:390:25:42

He goes like this.

0:25:420:25:44

-Who's Seal?

-Seal is the...is the...

0:25:490:25:51

-You usually know him by his first two names, Lord Privy.

-Ah!

0:25:530:25:56

Yes, I'm with you now.

0:25:590:26:01

Not every UK company employs water diviners.

0:26:010:26:04

A spokesman for Anglia Water said...

0:26:040:26:06

Though it turns out that's what they call telephones.

0:26:140:26:17

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:26:180:26:20

BUZZER

0:26:240:26:25

Richard.

0:26:250:26:27

It looks... Well, it's something to do with mansplaining, I assume.

0:26:270:26:31

Explain that to me.

0:26:310:26:32

Well, I mean, it's sort of slightly a trap, isn't it?

0:26:320:26:35

Very difficult to score a point on this one.

0:26:350:26:37

Er... There is a class of man who likes to tell you,

0:26:370:26:41

whether you're a man or a woman,

0:26:410:26:43

that you're wrong about something at any given opportunity.

0:26:430:26:46

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-This is the news that a new virtual reality project

0:26:460:26:49

has been developed to teach men

0:26:490:26:51

what it's like to be on the other end of mansplaining.

0:26:510:26:53

Mansplaining, as you said, Richard,

0:26:530:26:55

is to explain something to someone characteristically...

0:26:550:26:57

It is Richard's job on Pointless.

0:27:010:27:03

That was a joke, Richard.

0:27:050:27:07

Oh! Oh. Ah! Damn.

0:27:070:27:10

And do you know what? It was a very, very good one!

0:27:100:27:12

It happens all the time. There's a man near my house,

0:27:180:27:20

who when I'm standing outside waiting for a car,

0:27:200:27:23

my cat is always outside,

0:27:230:27:24

and he came up to me and he said, "Oh, that's a pregnant cat."

0:27:240:27:28

I was like, "Well, it isn't." He said, "Yes, that is a pregnant cat.

0:27:280:27:32

"About four months along. I know, that's a pregnant cat."

0:27:320:27:34

I said, "Well, it isn't. Move it along."

0:27:340:27:37

And he said, "How do YOU know?"

0:27:370:27:38

I said, "Because HE is mine."

0:27:380:27:41

I had him neutered two years ago!

0:27:430:27:45

It's not a pregnant cat!

0:27:450:27:46

It makes me worry what that guy was doing four months ago.

0:27:460:27:49

That's my only worry.

0:27:490:27:50

A lot of times it happens when it's just, you know,

0:27:520:27:55

there's the thing where you've said something

0:27:550:27:57

and then a man, who is not using his listening stick,

0:27:570:28:00

will say the thing that you just said again

0:28:000:28:02

and now everyone's supposed to listen

0:28:020:28:04

because you just said what I said, so I did the work,

0:28:040:28:06

you get the credit - what the hell is that thing?

0:28:060:28:08

That's a similar vein. That is called hepeating.

0:28:080:28:12

According to Nicole Gugliucci on Twitter,

0:28:120:28:15

another phenomenon women experience is that of hepeating or...

0:28:150:28:19

-I call it hepeating.

-Yeah.

-That's what I call it.

-Yeah.

0:28:240:28:28

They love it. They're love it.

0:28:280:28:30

It's good, isn't it,

0:28:300:28:32

cos it's "repeating" but with "he" - I put "he" on the front.

0:28:320:28:34

It's word play, really.

0:28:340:28:36

There's an incredible example of mansplaining

0:28:360:28:40

from Maud Dromgoole on Twitter.

0:28:400:28:42

But it doesn't end there! A man named Tom Joad

0:29:020:29:05

decided to weigh in by replying to Maud's tweet with...

0:29:050:29:08

This is a new virtual reality experience designed to enlighten men

0:29:210:29:24

on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace.

0:29:240:29:26

The team behind the headset

0:29:260:29:27

are also working on a celebrity version.

0:29:270:29:29

Here's one man experiencing what it's like to be Susanna Reid

0:29:290:29:32

presenting Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan.

0:29:320:29:35

Arrgh!

0:29:360:29:37

Ooh!

0:29:380:29:40

Which means at the end of this round, it's three-all.

0:29:440:29:47

-Wahey!

-Three-all!

-That's all right.

0:29:470:29:49

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:29:490:29:51

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:29:580:30:00

Just one between you this week, so fingers on buzzers.

0:30:000:30:02

Your four are...

0:30:020:30:03

The BBC's news bulletin from 18th April, 1930.

0:30:030:30:06

The 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.

0:30:060:30:09

The Middle of the World Monument in Ecuador.

0:30:090:30:11

And Charles the Bald.

0:30:110:30:12

BUZZER

0:30:120:30:14

Ooh!

0:30:140:30:16

-Paul and Desiree.

-Sorry about that, what's your name? Ian.

0:30:160:30:20

I've got a feeling that just looking at this thing

0:30:200:30:22

from April 1930, the BBC, wasn't there one day

0:30:220:30:24

in the history of the BBC where they said, "There is no news today"?

0:30:240:30:27

Yeah, and they said, "Listen to some music."

0:30:270:30:30

-Yes, yes. Is that the one?

-That is part of it.

0:30:300:30:32

So that's something that the news broadcast that wasn't.

0:30:320:30:35

Charles the Bald presumably wasn't bald.

0:30:350:30:37

A lot of people are called bald who aren't at all.

0:30:370:30:40

-LAUGHTER

-Just move your head a minute,

0:30:400:30:43

the light's shining right in my eyes.

0:30:430:30:45

LAUGHTER

0:30:450:30:46

That's probably not the actual middle of the Earth.

0:30:460:30:48

No, that's probably not the middle of the Earth, either,

0:30:480:30:51

but it's the most convenient place

0:30:510:30:52

cos it was near where they made the bricks.

0:30:520:30:54

Charles the Bald is who they named

0:30:540:30:56

the airport after in Paris, isn't it?

0:30:560:30:57

LAUGHTER

0:30:570:30:59

They claim that to be the biggest teddy bear in the world,

0:30:590:31:01

but it probably isn't,

0:31:010:31:03

so it's about things that claim to be what they are but aren't.

0:31:030:31:05

-The teddy bear is the biggest teddy bear.

-Yeah.

0:31:050:31:07

BUZZER

0:31:070:31:09

Is the teddy bear the odd one out?

0:31:090:31:11

A 6'5" teddy bear is my Tinder profile.

0:31:110:31:14

It's the only one that fits.

0:31:140:31:16

Are you 6'5" exactly? Like the bear.

0:31:170:31:18

No, I'm 6'7", so it doesn't work at all.

0:31:180:31:21

None of them are as described except for

0:31:210:31:23

the 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear,

0:31:230:31:25

but how did the giant bear catch people unaware?

0:31:250:31:28

Richard Osman hopped out of it

0:31:280:31:30

and said, "I'm here for our date."

0:31:300:31:32

"This thing is two inches too small!"

0:31:320:31:36

That's what she said.

0:31:360:31:37

Whoo!

0:31:370:31:39

Here's the promo shot of the normal bear.

0:31:410:31:43

And here's what customers got.

0:31:430:31:46

LAUGHTER

0:31:460:31:48

He's had a rough night, hasn't he?

0:31:530:31:56

That is literally me after a bottle of Baileys.

0:31:560:31:58

It could just be the...

0:32:000:32:02

-That's called man spreading, isn't it?

-It is!

0:32:020:32:05

Well done, Ian!

0:32:050:32:07

Here he is, looking quite sexy.

0:32:090:32:11

That might be you, Richard. Is that...?

0:32:140:32:17

Yeah, there are some similarities.

0:32:170:32:19

Who was this bear originally aimed at, which target market?

0:32:190:32:22

Men who want to have sex with bears.

0:32:220:32:26

-Very close.

-Very...?

0:32:260:32:28

Women who want to have sex with bears.

0:32:280:32:30

Bears that want to have sex with bears.

0:32:300:32:32

That's just bears, isn't it?

0:32:330:32:35

That is bears. That is bears.

0:32:350:32:39

It was originally a Valentine's gift

0:32:390:32:41

that was kind of a replacement for a boyfriend.

0:32:410:32:45

Back to 2017,

0:32:450:32:46

what did Huw Edwards do for a full four minutes on the News At Ten

0:32:460:32:50

-in June of this year?

-Oh, he didn't, did he?!

0:32:500:32:52

-Oh!

-He can't stop it.

0:32:540:32:56

You can't fire him as well. He's got something, hasn't he?

0:32:560:32:59

Yeah, he's untouchable.

0:32:590:33:01

-Such a shame.

-Yeah.

-Well...

0:33:010:33:03

Better leave that one there.

0:33:030:33:04

-Yeah, I wish he would have done.

-Yeah, exactly.

0:33:060:33:08

Was it that?

0:33:080:33:10

-No!

-Oh.

-Did he whistle?

0:33:100:33:13

He did not whistle.

0:33:130:33:15

Was he completely silent?

0:33:150:33:17

That's right, Richard. Huw Edwards did nothing.

0:33:170:33:20

After a technical glitch, he sat there like a lemon.

0:33:200:33:22

Let's have a look at the highlights.

0:33:220:33:24

Tonight at Ten, jobs and prosperity must come first

0:33:410:33:45

in any Brexit deal...

0:33:450:33:46

-It was interesting until he said "Brexit".

-Yeah.

0:33:460:33:50

Well, none of them are as described,

0:33:500:33:51

except for the 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.

0:33:510:33:54

On the 18th of April, 1930, a BBC radio announcer actually said,

0:33:540:33:58

"There is no news."

0:33:580:34:00

A day when literally nothing happened?

0:34:000:34:01

Welcome to Canada every single day!

0:34:010:34:04

Which means at the end of this round,

0:34:050:34:07

-it's four-all.

-Hm.

-Hm.

0:34:070:34:09

Time now for the Missing Words round,

0:34:170:34:20

which this week features as its guest publication

0:34:200:34:22

Pathetic Motorways.

0:34:220:34:24

It's quite a middle-of-the-road publication...

0:34:260:34:29

To start with...

0:34:290:34:30

Is it friendship?

0:34:340:34:36

Aww!

0:34:360:34:37

Kim Kardashian.

0:34:400:34:41

Less ambitious.

0:34:410:34:42

Less ambitious than Kim Kardashian?

0:34:420:34:44

Khloe Kardashian.

0:34:440:34:45

How dare you!

0:34:460:34:49

It is...

0:34:490:34:50

..is an internet myth based on wishful thinking.

0:34:540:34:57

Oh, that has ruined my Friday, I've got to tell you.

0:34:570:35:01

Next.

0:35:010:35:02

Because we really want a Little Chef and a Costa in Wilton Summit.

0:35:070:35:10

We call it the Wilton Summit Motorway

0:35:120:35:13

even though it's not a motorway

0:35:130:35:15

because it certainly does approach the area

0:35:150:35:17

that we know is Wilton Summit

0:35:170:35:18

and although technically it's not a motorway,

0:35:180:35:20

we see it more as a dual carriageway,

0:35:200:35:22

for our magazine we think that's good enough.

0:35:220:35:24

-I mean, that's pretty much it.

-Yeah.

0:35:250:35:27

APPLAUSE

0:35:290:35:31

We call it the Wilton Summit Motorway

0:35:320:35:34

even though it's not a motorway because...

0:35:340:35:36

Next.

0:35:460:35:47

Is that Alexander Armstrong?

0:35:510:35:53

You'd love that, wouldn't you, Richard?

0:35:530:35:55

I'm a big fan of his music. And his voice.

0:35:550:35:57

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

-He's got a lovely...

0:35:570:36:00

It is, inexplicably, a cement mixer.

0:36:000:36:03

The mixer is a favourite instrument

0:36:030:36:06

of experimental musician Jean-Herve Peron.

0:36:060:36:10

Let's see him churning out one of his greatest hits.

0:36:100:36:12

MIXER RATTLES AND HUMS

0:36:120:36:16

Has it been tuned?

0:36:180:36:19

-That was God Rest Ye Merry Cemententlemen.

-Ah.

0:36:200:36:24

Next.

0:36:240:36:25

Travelling in a rocket to figure out

0:36:290:36:31

if the world's flat or not.

0:36:310:36:33

Staplehurst to Charing Cross, 6:52.

0:36:330:36:36

Yeah, it's got to be a motorway one, hasn't it?

0:36:370:36:39

-The M6 to the M7.

-You're right with M.

0:36:390:36:42

LAUGHTER

0:36:420:36:44

One.

0:36:440:36:46

It's the trip down the M180.

0:36:460:36:48

-Oh, we'd have been here a long time.

-Yeah.

0:36:480:36:51

This is the M180, which is largely in Lincolnshire, although...

0:36:520:36:56

Only to hear the traditional Yorkshire response,

0:37:000:37:02

"Sod off back to Lincolnshire."

0:37:020:37:03

Finally, anger after...

0:37:030:37:06

-Is that how they talk in Yorkshire?

-LAUGHTER

0:37:060:37:09

Well, I can't do the accent...

0:37:090:37:11

"Oh, oh, no, I live in Yorkshire."

0:37:110:37:14

LAUGHTER

0:37:140:37:16

No, I think you're mixing it up with sex offenders.

0:37:160:37:19

Just be lucky that I don't have a Canadian one.

0:37:190:37:22

I really don't. Cos those are bad.

0:37:220:37:25

I'll do the rest of the show in Canadian.

0:37:250:37:27

OK, fair enough.

0:37:270:37:28

BAD CANADIAN ACCENT: Anger after woman is told she can't what on...?

0:37:280:37:31

That's a Yorkshire accent!

0:37:310:37:33

-That's Yorkshire. OK, let's go back to what it was.

-OK.

0:37:330:37:36

-RICHARD:

-Is it "take a dump on Sunderland"?

0:37:410:37:45

LAUGHTER

0:37:450:37:47

It is...

0:37:490:37:50

Here's Helen Hook with the offending item.

0:37:570:37:59

Oh, she should be allowed to take that on board.

0:37:590:38:01

What is it? Like a Geordie hummus?

0:38:010:38:04

I know it's made with high explosive, I know that.

0:38:060:38:09

That's the only thing I know about it.

0:38:090:38:11

-She's very upset about it, though.

-Look how upset she is. She's like,

0:38:110:38:14

"I've got a shot glass of Geordie hummus and I..."

0:38:140:38:17

-RICHARD:

-"I was going to dump this all over Sunderland."

0:38:170:38:20

LAUGHTER

0:38:200:38:21

That's the one accent that's my favourite, that I also can't do.

0:38:230:38:25

I'm going to learn it one day.

0:38:250:38:27

It's about the hardest one, the Geordie accent.

0:38:270:38:29

I can go, "Hey-a, hey, it's me, Cheryl Cole.

0:38:290:38:33

"The nation's sweetheart."

0:38:330:38:35

One way of doing it is to be able to mention two Walt Disney characters,

0:38:370:38:40

Mickey Mouse and Pluto.

0:38:400:38:42

LAUGHTER Ohh!

0:38:420:38:44

Or if you're into wrestling, you can do Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.

0:38:440:38:48

-Yeah. Even better, even better.

-LAUGHTER

0:38:480:38:52

Kendo Nagasaki.

0:38:520:38:53

And is that why they can't eat solid food, because they have, like, a...?

0:38:550:38:58

Very tight back here.

0:39:000:39:01

So, the final scores are - Paul and Desiree have seven.

0:39:010:39:05

Ian and Richard have five.

0:39:050:39:06

APPLAUSE

0:39:060:39:09

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

0:39:120:39:16

Paul and Desiree, this is your Caption Competition.

0:39:160:39:19

Will you marry me?

0:39:190:39:20

Yeah. Right?!

0:39:200:39:22

Chicken rushed to hospital after chef rose out of his arse.

0:39:220:39:25

"I was expecting the American flag!"

0:39:300:39:32

He's a nice chap, but he's got a terrible chick on his shoulder!

0:39:340:39:38

GROANING

0:39:380:39:40

-I don't feel so bad about mine now!

-Ian and Richard, have this.

0:39:400:39:44

It's the Government's new affordable housing.

0:39:440:39:47

"I can't wait for our giant teddy bear to turn up."

0:39:490:39:51

LAUGHTER

0:39:510:39:54

That is literally a picture of me and my partner.

0:39:540:39:58

You're like a Great Dane crossed with Stephen Hawking,

0:39:580:40:02

you know? Like...

0:40:020:40:04

That must have been a hell of a romance.

0:40:090:40:12

No, but just, like, really, like, long and lean,

0:40:130:40:16

-but really clever, as well.

-Yeah.

0:40:160:40:18

-Is it time for the rest of us to go?

-LAUGHTER

0:40:180:40:22

-I thought that was a nice thing to say.

-Yeah... Um...

0:40:220:40:25

I tell you what, I'll think of a dog and a scientist who you're like

0:40:270:40:30

and we'll see if that's funny.

0:40:300:40:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:320:40:34

You're like...

0:40:380:40:40

You're like Marie Curie and a miniature schnauzer.

0:40:400:40:42

And I leave you with news that, in Myanmar,

0:40:440:40:46

after a personal audience with Aung San Suu Kyi,

0:40:460:40:49

Pope Francis insists she listened carefully to all his criticisms.

0:40:490:40:52

In the middle of a recording of Pointless,

0:40:570:40:59

an opportunistic thief makes off with Richard Osman's bicycle.

0:40:590:41:02

LAUGHTER

0:41:020:41:06

I'd like to see a Great Dane riding THAT.

0:41:060:41:09

-Or indeed Stephen Hawking.

-LAUGHTER

0:41:090:41:12

And in Italy, Silvio Berlusconi looks to move on

0:41:120:41:15

from past misdemeanours, as he relaunches himself

0:41:150:41:18

as a serious leadership contender.

0:41:180:41:20

Good night.

0:41:230:41:25

Regular captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are joined by guest host Katherine Ryan and panellists Richard Osman and Desiree Burch.