Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Katherine Ryan. In the news this week...

Looking to boost her public profile in 2018,

Labour's Emily Thornberry doesn't hold back

at the Strictly Come Dancing auditions.

MUSIC PLAYS

At a department store in Leicester, there's evidence that the boss' son

may not be taking his work experience seriously enough.

And in London, there are fears the RSPCA

may have developed a paramilitary wing.

APPLAUSE

On Ian's team tonight, a writer and co-presenter of Pointless

whose many talents include TV production,

appearing on quiz shows and pretending to enjoy

Alexander Armstrong's Christmas album.

-Please welcome Richard Osman!

-Hiya.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight, an actor and comedian

whose Fringe show was described as one of the most breathtaking

monologues you'll see in Edinburgh.

Well, unless you've ever tried to pay a Scottish taxi driver

with an English tenner.

Please welcome Desiree Burch.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Desiree, take a look at this.

Ah, yes, a town crier.

This is about one of the happier unions

between this country and America.

There's the Royal Family out on a night out.

Yeah, this is good news for the Royal Family

and royal watchers that Prince Harry and Meghan, is it...?

-Yeah.

-..are getting married next year.

You must be the only person who doesn't know her name.

Yeah, I kind of sort of haven't been following it, to be honest.

-Meghan something.

-Markle.

-Really?

Yes, she's Chancellor of Germany.

-Ah!

-LAUGHTER

And she's also a little old lady detective who solves crimes.

Oh, yes.

-He's getting married to Margaret Rutherford.

-Yeah!

So, yeah, they're getting married in May

because there's a baby due in April.

-His brother is having a baby.

-His brother's having a baby?

-They've moved on!

-Quite progressive now.

Exactly, yes. William and the one he's married to.

-He's married to Poirot.

-Poirot! That's the one, Poirot, yeah.

How have you avoided this big news?

Well, because I don't live next door to them,

I can sort of just turn the TV off when it comes on.

I know it's not the way to sort of normally approach a news quiz,

but, er...

You don't feel like partaking in their joy?

-No.

-No.

Some people have said, "There's other things going on in the world,

"why are people going on about it?" I genuinely think, as a country,

we've seen that little boy grow up and he lost his mum.

And he's turned into this rather mischievous, naughty,

sort of funny, kind boy and he's obviously met someone lovely

and is getting married. And I think, if you can't take a bit of joy

at that, what can you take joy at?

That's nice, Richard. APPLAUSE

Can I just say, you've all lost your edge.

LAUGHTER

I'm disappointed in you.

-It's just nice that it's not Brexit or Trump.

-Yeah.

-I know that's the next two rounds, but...

-It's everything else.

It's a short break. It's a fantasy holiday.

-So is that the right answer?

-It is!

This is further evidence of the acceptance

of minority ethnic people,

as a beautiful American actress is set to wed a ginger person.

So here's the thing I don't get,

because when I was reading all of the million stories about them,

it said that they met on a blind date.

How do you go on a blind date with a prince?

It's like, "OK, so tell me more about him."

"Well, OK, he's a redhead, I know you like that."

And then it's like "What does he do for a living?"

"Well, he was in the military

"but then he's now just kind of living off the state."

Well, in America, they had an entire reality show,

something to the effect of Who Wants To Marry Harry?

And they had all these women, bachelor-style,

vying for the tiara.

And they just stuck in any old random ginger actor

and they believed it was him!

They were like, "I think I'm the one to be the princess,

"I really like Harry." They didn't know.

I lost a long-standing bet

that he was going to get married to a Kardashian. I'm gutted!

I thought it would've been lovely to unite the two great houses.

Which one do you feel like he'd marry?

Um... Name them for me.

Obviously the press devoted a lot of pages to the story.

The Mail went with, "The Stars Were All Aligned".

The Express went with, "The Look Of Love".

The Sun, "She's The One!"

But The Star went with,

"Let's All Have It Orf!"

-What is that?

-It's a posh way of saying "off".

-It's orf.

-Let's have it o-o-rf.

They're suggesting a bank holiday, which we're not going to have.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, seems a shame.

I tell you what, you'll have the day off if you get invited, though.

-This would be a good place to pitch for that.

-Yeah.

You've done a very good pronunciation of "orf".

Yeah. Somehow I feel my invite won't be on the way.

So, wait, you get a holiday when royals get married?

You get to have the day off to watch it on television?

-That's why we've got them.

-Ah!

It's not always a day off.

But Theresa May could have let us have a holiday, anyway,

like the whole week off,

because she won't be around in the spring to worry about it, anyway.

How did Jeremy Corbyn express his delight at the news?

He sang. # Oh, Meghan Merkel... #

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm just hearing an invitation being ripped up.

Jeremy Corbyn tried to express his delight at the news,

but he was betrayed by typical BBC anti-Corbyn bias.

When he meant to say how much he admired Harry and his brother,

the subtitles machine had Corbyn as saying,

"He really admired Harry and Hezbollah."

LAUGHTER

How did Meghan's closest childhood friend

cooperate with the Daily Mail to add to Meghan's joy?

She accepted the cheque.

Yeah.

And then the friend said...

-I mean, with friends like that, though...

-Yeah.

-..who needs enemies?

-That's mean, isn't it?

Well, but I feel like probably a lot of your friends

that you don't realise are like that,

and they're your friends until you're engaged to a prince.

I do think you have a slight outsider's view on this.

Most people in this country,

if you said you're engaged to a member of the Royal Family,

they'd go, "Oh, I am sorry."

And her friends are watching the wrong princess movies!

It's not about getting the man.

Look at Frozen.

It's a feminist film about a woman finding her own way

in the world of making ice.

Oh, let it go.

LAUGHTER

Let's get down to some important details. How did Harry propose?

They were having a chicken.

-Ah, chicken!

-Yeah.

Essentially, they'd dialled out for a Nando's is essentially what it is.

Yeah. Yes, according to Meghan, he went down on one knee...

OVER a roast chicken?!

-It's the typical British custom to kneel over a roast chicken.

-Yes.

-Drop the dinner on the floor then propose!

-Yeah.

She's like, "But I wanted that!"

And they say, "Cheeky marriage?"

-I never would've guessed.

-And then to get the ring, you go in...

According to Harper's Bazaar, which special rule of the Queen's

did Meghan Markle break at the engagement photoshoot?

Oh, she didn't kill a swan?

-Hates that, the Queen, doesn't she?

-Yes.

They're supposed to wear tights, and Meghan wasn't wearing them.

Supposed to wear tights?

What a ludicrous rule!

You mustn't believe anything written about the Royal Family.

I mean, royal correspondents, on the whole, know nothing.

-Hm.

-At all. So they just make it up.

"A rule since 1582 - all royal women must put swans on their heads."

-It's just drivel! I mean, literally drivel.

-Yeah.

-I've never heard such rubbish.

-OK.

Harper's BIZARRE.

What does the immediate future hold for Meghan?

-Cleaning a chicken stain off the kitchen floor.

-Yeah!

They've got to decide whose to go to for Christmas.

Is it Balmoral or is it...?

-Where's she from?

-Well, she's from LA and her dad lives in Mexico,

-so definitely go see her side of the family for the holidays.

-Yeah.

I imagine they'll be going to Balmoral, that's my guess.

-Yes.

-I imagine the Queen will have put her foot down.

-MANCUNIAN ACCENT:

-"You're coming to Balmoral with us, all right?"

"I told you 14 times, you're not going to Mexico!"

"Right, put on a paper hat and pretend you're enjoying yourself."

I love the fact that the Royal Family

put on crowns on Christmas Day!

Well, Meghan will get to see it all.

She'll have to spend Christmas with the entire Royal Family

at Sandringham, where, according to The Telegraph...

Maybe they'll play a board game? Pointless, maybe, Richard?

The board game is not great, I'm going to be honest with you.

It's not brilliant.

That's the first non-advert I've ever heard!

Meghan is a big fan of Pointless, did you know that?

No, I did not know that.

Here she is on an American chat show appearance,

where she insisted on this as her walk-on music.

Please welcome the lovely Meghan Markle, everybody!

POINTLESS THEME TUNE PLAYS

Wow! You look sensational!

Are you allowed to say that on television?

She seems to have forgotten to wear her trousers.

The audience were obviously very disappointed

that it wasn't Richard walking out on stage.

-Oh, yeah, they'd have loved that!

-It's the Pointless music!

I know it is. I'm ready to go, I'm ready to record four shows,

-let's do it!

-Well, she does look sensational, she looks sensational.

Yeah, she does look fantastic.

I don't understand how you get the right balance of nutrients

to be that thin but have that much glossy hair.

I can fill you in.

-She's so glossy, like a panther!

-Yeah.

She's just stunning, isn't she?

She probably has oilers.

-She's oiled.

-Have you ever seen this show before?

This is very happy news that Prince Harry is to marry his first wife.

Meghan Markle's Instagram site proudly displays

her feminist credentials with this motto.

In a way, she has smashed through a glass ceiling.

30 years ago, Prince Philip would have been making jokes

about people of colour, now he's got one in the Secret Santa.

Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

There's a turkey.

-That's the internet, I presume.

-Yeah, Trump.

His life continues to be a cross between Last Of The Summer Wine

and The Omen.

LAUGHTER

I don't think we should really be talking about Britain First

because there's only about eight of them,

so he shouldn't really give 'em publicity.

Brittany First - that's a much more interesting organisation.

They are a very, very good ferry company and they're...

They've got a video which is a tour around Saint-Malo,

which really is... I would recommend...

-It makes you want to go, doesn't it?

-Yeah, I mean, it really does.

-It captures the atmosphere.

-And it's so easy to get there.

-Very simple.

-And I hear the duty free is terrific on the way back as well.

-Totally.

-Well, that seems to cover that, then!

-Hm.

No, and then he...

I've-I've muted Donald Trump on Twitter,

which I'd recommend to everybody,

in much the same way my grandad used to turn his hearing aid off

when EastEnders came on.

And it's... So I sort of miss most of what he says

and it makes my life a much happier place, I have to say,

cos he's a buffoon of the highest order.

You could not be on Twitter.

What, sorry?!

He's retweeted some stuff in the middle of the night.

Which is what he does. Is that the story?

It is! Trump retweeted a clip and it was captioned...

Now, Dutch officials have made it very clear the assailant

in the video was neither Muslim nor a migrant.

Other videos had a similar theme and were also questionably labelled.

Who had tweeted these videos in the first place?

Well, it was this Britain First organisation.

They're fringe fascists and they put together this stuff.

But this is what Isis does.

It gets video clips out of context,

chops them up and then uses them to try and brainwash people.

It's doing exactly the same thing.

And you're the President of the United States and you do that.

Late at night, in your underpants, looking at the television.

I have no evidence for that.

-You have no evidence?

-That is fake news.

He's probably wearing pyjamas.

They're suggesting now,

because of these things that he retweeted

and then he had a go at Theresa May as well,

that they should cancel the State visit.

My view would be, "Bring it on!"

Let's have him over here. Let's make THAT a bank holiday.

-APPLAUSE

-Imagine that.

Imagine those streets. Young and old, Muslim, Christian,

lining every street in Britain, booing an orange racist.

That would be amazing.

I saw what you guys did to David Blaine.

There was a Labour MP that said he should come

and he should be arrested for inciting racial hatred.

Now, wouldn't that be a story?

Arresting the President of the United States of America.

I bet the US wouldn't extradite him, either!

"Keep him. All yours."

"We've never heard of him."

Trump has been condemned for sharing the post

from all corners of the internet,

even by loyal pal and sometimes cheerleader Piers Morgan,

who asked Trump...

Um, probably just what you were doing when you were editor

of the Mirror and covered your front page with those unverified photos

of British soldiers pissing on Iraqis.

Do we have to bring that up about Piers?

The fact that he was sacked for that,

I think is, you know...

-It's history.

-What was the story? I can't quite remember the details.

Well...

They were very unpleasant photographs

-and they turned out not to be genuine.

-Oh!

And, you know, he'd put them in as editor

and he was fired, but it was a long time ago

-and things were different then.

-Yeah.

Prime Minister Theresa May released a statement criticising Trump's

actions and accusing Britain First of peddling lies.

-How did Trump respond?

-He was very rude to her.

And he said, "You concentrate on the Islamic terror in your midst."

-He tweeted the wrong Theresa May at first.

-Yeah.

It was another Theresa May. I'm not sure who she is.

It's a woman with six followers, it's not our Prime Minister.

-That IS our Prime Minister!

-APPLAUSE

Do you feel that Theresa May needs to stay on the right side of Trump?

Don't we need someone to trade with after Brexit?

-Oh, we've got loads of people...

-OK.

We're going to re-establish our close ties with the Philippines.

We've got a big deal coming up with Narnia.

All you've got to do is find the right wardrobe, we've always said.

But on the subject of Brexit,

it looks like the Brexit bill will be 50 billion euros.

Is everybody happy about that? Is this what people voted for?

They were told a year ago it would be 50 billion.

And Boris said, "No, we're not going to pay a penny."

That's a clue, when he says that.

But it's true, we're not going to pay a penny.

And that they can go and whistle. Which they then whistled,

and we came running and gave them a cheque for 50 billion.

-So wait, this is 50 billion pounds or euros?

-About the same thing.

If you work that out, it's a tiny price to pay.

That's, like, three bottles of coconut water from Waitrose.

It was always going to be 50 billion. Everyone knew.

They could have paid it immediately

but weren't allowed to because it looked bad.

"Look, don't do Article 50,

"give yourself all the time in the world to negotiate.

"Get the legal stuff out of the way, get that done,

"and then you start negotiating."

That's how to negotiate. There's absolutely no reason

why you can't have a successful Brexit,

but not the way they're doing it.

You're wasted in television.

-I often am, yeah, I am.

-APPLAUSE

Theresa May will hope the final offer on payment will show

sufficient progress has been made for the EU to begin trade talks,

but what might scupper this plan?

This is the next problem, the Irish border.

But they'll come to some sort of compromise.

We're very good at that.

Perhaps they'll build a wall and make Bono pay for it.

Even cheaper, just get Jedward to stand there.

What's the problem with Ireland not having a hard border?

Because... It's one of the great advances in our lifetime,

is Ireland doesn't have a hard border

and the Troubles are over and there's sort of some harmony,

and the idea that Brexit would break this up is very unpopular.

-Mm-hm.

-I can't imagine why.

And not just in Ireland.

-Yeah.

-So they have to come with some idea,

an electronic border in the sea,

um...sounds feasible.

-Also, sounds cool.

-Yeah!

We'll all be microchipped soon.

My cat has a microchip so that the cat flap only opens for him.

Are you suggesting we microchip

the entire population of Northern Ireland?

I'm not suggesting, I'm saying it's coming!

Back to Trump. What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas?

Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations?

I mean, Melania thinks they're very beautiful!

LAUGHTER

HEAVY ACCENT: "Oh, no, me, Melania, number one lady of USA."

Yeah, she's helping to get ready for Christmas.

But some people say she's not quite captured the festive spirit.

Let's have a look.

I mean, if a child drew that in crayon,

you would take them straight into care.

I think the look is "Nuclear Winterval".

I think the look is "Cry For Help"!

We should do a Kickstarter to go and save her, shouldn't we?

-Yeah.

-Helicopter her out.

-The whole thing...

We don't have a clip of it but there are ballerinas just dancing for her

as she's stood there. If it were any more Freudian,

she'd just be in a withered chair in the corner, rocking back and forth.

Just her face - you know that

that contractually obliged handjob is around the corner. It's just...

LAUGHTER

That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner.

Just her weeping into the wall, like, "OK!"

-She is an innocent gold-digger caught up in a dangerous game.

-Yeah.

-Shall we move away from this troubling subject?

-Yeah.

OK. Someone has genuinely made and sells this online.

"I am the storm, the great American grizzly."

Introducing the original Trumpy Bear,

the fearless super plush American grizzly.

Trumpy Bear was born June 14th,

Flag Day.

Just find the secret zipper

and pull out the American-flag-themed blanket.

God bless America and God bless Trumpy Bear.

You know, there's nothing like making you feel like a patriot

as you pull your country's flag out of a bear's arse.

Does it every time for me.

-You could hide a gun back there.

-It's always about hiding guns.

They should fix that amendment, the right of bears to be armed.

-Pretty good.

-I would really like one of those bears.

I'll go on record as saying it, cos it's before Christmas

and there'll be people at home thinking what to get me.

-You're going to get 75 of those bears now.

-I would kind of love one.

What would you do with a Trumpy Bear?

Oh, I don't know. I'd probably impeach it.

LAUGHTER

This is Donald Trump, who has somehow managed to tweet something

even more stupid and offensive than his own thoughts.

Despite the current Fuhrer, President Trump...

Oh, wait, no! Whoo! Despite the current FURORE,

President Trump is still...

-Fuhrer?!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's the best Freudian slip I've ever seen.

I read it wrong. Despite the current furore,

President Trump is still scheduled

to make a transatlantic trip next year.

He'll visit Britain first.

Then the EDL, finishing off with the BNP.

So at the end of that round, it's two points each.

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two - the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER Desiree.

This is this really old dumb guy who wants to, like, go in a rocket.

Richard Branson?

Yes, but even Branson knows that the world is round.

-And this guy doesn't.

-It does say Research Flat Earth,

so you're saying he thinks the Earth is flat and he's built a rocket

-to prove it?

-To research it.

-Uh-huh.

-Yes.

This is the news we'll have to wait a little bit longer to know for sure

if the Earth is round or flat,

after an important experiment was postponed.

Who was behind the mission?

His name's, like, Mad Max or something. But, like, not...

It's something like that, like Mad...

-Mad Mike.

-There you go.

What has Mad Mike been up to in his garage recently?

-Presumably, he's been building a rocket.

-Yeah.

Is that not the answer we were looking for?

-That's the answer.

-Oh, brilliant. You're so good.

-Thanks.

He has been building a steam-powered rocket from scrap metal...

-Steam-powered?

-Yes.

He was meant to launch the rocket, with him in it, last Saturday.

But why didn't it go to plan?

He's been sectioned.

The California Bureau of Land Management

did not give him the right permits.

Mike told YouTube...

I mean, I hate to say it -

I am starting to lose confidence in Mad Mike.

How has tech genius Elon Musk

got into a debate with the Flat Earth Society?

My son was telling me the other day that the Flat Earth Society

had a tweet saying, "We're proud to have members around the globe."

LAUGHTER

-Genius.

-They do.

I think Elon Musk tweeted, he said,

"Explain to me, Flat Earth Society, why Mars isn't flat."

Yes, Elon Musk said...

To which the Flat Earth Society replied...

Wow!

Meanwhile, who was recently discovered

to have been using witchcraft in modern Britain? And what for?

-Oh, the water authorities.

-Yeah.

-There was a story last week,

about 9 out of 11 water authorities

still use dowsing rods to try and find water underground.

The universe is made up of nine tenths of stuff

they don't even know what it is.

-They just know there's nine tenths of it.

-Yeah?

So, you know, science is always pushing forward

and knowledge and stuff. I find it intriguing

that they're still doing it.

And quartz powers watches,

which is why I have metaphysical crystals at home.

-That empower me to have better skin.

-Hm.

Right?

I dunno.

I've no idea. Does it work?

I mean, look at me.

Also, why do the batteries in your remote control last so long?

-What's that all about?

-Hm.

Something's going on.

Some people insist the rods move,

so how can we explain water divining?

Well, I don't know that we can.

But it's just interesting that they do it.

And these are the people who are experts in searching for water,

so presumably they're getting some kind of result,

-otherwise they wouldn't bother.

-Some people have an explanation.

Some scientists say the rods are made to move

by subconscious movement of the hand called the...

That's how Trump tweets, as well.

So it's just like a water ouija board?

Yes, it is like a ouija board.

-Oh, OK.

-It explains ouija boards

and why five million people still watch The One Show.

Don't start having a go at The One Show, come on.

-I know.

-You're better than that.

-We appeared in it together.

It was a magical evening.

Yeah, with Seal. And someone came on just before Seal and said,

"Seal doesn't shake hands, Seal doesn't shake hands."

He goes like this.

-Who's Seal?

-Seal is the...is the...

-You usually know him by his first two names, Lord Privy.

-Ah!

Yes, I'm with you now.

Not every UK company employs water diviners.

A spokesman for Anglia Water said...

Though it turns out that's what they call telephones.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Richard.

It looks... Well, it's something to do with mansplaining, I assume.

Explain that to me.

Well, I mean, it's sort of slightly a trap, isn't it?

Very difficult to score a point on this one.

Er... There is a class of man who likes to tell you,

whether you're a man or a woman,

that you're wrong about something at any given opportunity.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-This is the news that a new virtual reality project

has been developed to teach men

what it's like to be on the other end of mansplaining.

Mansplaining, as you said, Richard,

is to explain something to someone characteristically...

It is Richard's job on Pointless.

That was a joke, Richard.

Oh! Oh. Ah! Damn.

And do you know what? It was a very, very good one!

It happens all the time. There's a man near my house,

who when I'm standing outside waiting for a car,

my cat is always outside,

and he came up to me and he said, "Oh, that's a pregnant cat."

I was like, "Well, it isn't." He said, "Yes, that is a pregnant cat.

"About four months along. I know, that's a pregnant cat."

I said, "Well, it isn't. Move it along."

And he said, "How do YOU know?"

I said, "Because HE is mine."

I had him neutered two years ago!

It's not a pregnant cat!

It makes me worry what that guy was doing four months ago.

That's my only worry.

A lot of times it happens when it's just, you know,

there's the thing where you've said something

and then a man, who is not using his listening stick,

will say the thing that you just said again

and now everyone's supposed to listen

because you just said what I said, so I did the work,

you get the credit - what the hell is that thing?

That's a similar vein. That is called hepeating.

According to Nicole Gugliucci on Twitter,

another phenomenon women experience is that of hepeating or...

-I call it hepeating.

-Yeah.

-That's what I call it.

-Yeah.

They love it. They're love it.

It's good, isn't it,

cos it's "repeating" but with "he" - I put "he" on the front.

It's word play, really.

There's an incredible example of mansplaining

from Maud Dromgoole on Twitter.

But it doesn't end there! A man named Tom Joad

decided to weigh in by replying to Maud's tweet with...

This is a new virtual reality experience designed to enlighten men

on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace.

The team behind the headset

are also working on a celebrity version.

Here's one man experiencing what it's like to be Susanna Reid

presenting Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan.

Arrgh!

Ooh!

Which means at the end of this round, it's three-all.

-Wahey!

-Three-all!

-That's all right.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Just one between you this week, so fingers on buzzers.

Your four are...

The BBC's news bulletin from 18th April, 1930.

The 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.

The Middle of the World Monument in Ecuador.

And Charles the Bald.

BUZZER

Ooh!

-Paul and Desiree.

-Sorry about that, what's your name? Ian.

I've got a feeling that just looking at this thing

from April 1930, the BBC, wasn't there one day

in the history of the BBC where they said, "There is no news today"?

Yeah, and they said, "Listen to some music."

-Yes, yes. Is that the one?

-That is part of it.

So that's something that the news broadcast that wasn't.

Charles the Bald presumably wasn't bald.

A lot of people are called bald who aren't at all.

-LAUGHTER

-Just move your head a minute,

the light's shining right in my eyes.

LAUGHTER

That's probably not the actual middle of the Earth.

No, that's probably not the middle of the Earth, either,

but it's the most convenient place

cos it was near where they made the bricks.

Charles the Bald is who they named

the airport after in Paris, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

They claim that to be the biggest teddy bear in the world,

but it probably isn't,

so it's about things that claim to be what they are but aren't.

-The teddy bear is the biggest teddy bear.

-Yeah.

BUZZER

Is the teddy bear the odd one out?

A 6'5" teddy bear is my Tinder profile.

It's the only one that fits.

Are you 6'5" exactly? Like the bear.

No, I'm 6'7", so it doesn't work at all.

None of them are as described except for

the 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear,

but how did the giant bear catch people unaware?

Richard Osman hopped out of it

and said, "I'm here for our date."

"This thing is two inches too small!"

That's what she said.

Whoo!

Here's the promo shot of the normal bear.

And here's what customers got.

LAUGHTER

He's had a rough night, hasn't he?

That is literally me after a bottle of Baileys.

It could just be the...

-That's called man spreading, isn't it?

-It is!

Well done, Ian!

Here he is, looking quite sexy.

That might be you, Richard. Is that...?

Yeah, there are some similarities.

Who was this bear originally aimed at, which target market?

Men who want to have sex with bears.

-Very close.

-Very...?

Women who want to have sex with bears.

Bears that want to have sex with bears.

That's just bears, isn't it?

That is bears. That is bears.

It was originally a Valentine's gift

that was kind of a replacement for a boyfriend.

Back to 2017,

what did Huw Edwards do for a full four minutes on the News At Ten

-in June of this year?

-Oh, he didn't, did he?!

-Oh!

-He can't stop it.

You can't fire him as well. He's got something, hasn't he?

Yeah, he's untouchable.

-Such a shame.

-Yeah.

-Well...

Better leave that one there.

-Yeah, I wish he would have done.

-Yeah, exactly.

Was it that?

-No!

-Oh.

-Did he whistle?

He did not whistle.

Was he completely silent?

That's right, Richard. Huw Edwards did nothing.

After a technical glitch, he sat there like a lemon.

Let's have a look at the highlights.

Tonight at Ten, jobs and prosperity must come first

in any Brexit deal...

-It was interesting until he said "Brexit".

-Yeah.

Well, none of them are as described,

except for the 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.

On the 18th of April, 1930, a BBC radio announcer actually said,

"There is no news."

A day when literally nothing happened?

Welcome to Canada every single day!

Which means at the end of this round,

-it's four-all.

-Hm.

-Hm.

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Pathetic Motorways.

It's quite a middle-of-the-road publication...

To start with...

Is it friendship?

Aww!

Kim Kardashian.

Less ambitious.

Less ambitious than Kim Kardashian?

Khloe Kardashian.

How dare you!

It is...

..is an internet myth based on wishful thinking.

Oh, that has ruined my Friday, I've got to tell you.

Next.

Because we really want a Little Chef and a Costa in Wilton Summit.

We call it the Wilton Summit Motorway

even though it's not a motorway

because it certainly does approach the area

that we know is Wilton Summit

and although technically it's not a motorway,

we see it more as a dual carriageway,

for our magazine we think that's good enough.

-I mean, that's pretty much it.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

We call it the Wilton Summit Motorway

even though it's not a motorway because...

Next.

Is that Alexander Armstrong?

You'd love that, wouldn't you, Richard?

I'm a big fan of his music. And his voice.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

-He's got a lovely...

It is, inexplicably, a cement mixer.

The mixer is a favourite instrument

of experimental musician Jean-Herve Peron.

Let's see him churning out one of his greatest hits.

MIXER RATTLES AND HUMS

Has it been tuned?

-That was God Rest Ye Merry Cemententlemen.

-Ah.

Next.

Travelling in a rocket to figure out

if the world's flat or not.

Staplehurst to Charing Cross, 6:52.

Yeah, it's got to be a motorway one, hasn't it?

-The M6 to the M7.

-You're right with M.

LAUGHTER

One.

It's the trip down the M180.

-Oh, we'd have been here a long time.

-Yeah.

This is the M180, which is largely in Lincolnshire, although...

Only to hear the traditional Yorkshire response,

"Sod off back to Lincolnshire."

Finally, anger after...

-Is that how they talk in Yorkshire?

-LAUGHTER

Well, I can't do the accent...

"Oh, oh, no, I live in Yorkshire."

LAUGHTER

No, I think you're mixing it up with sex offenders.

Just be lucky that I don't have a Canadian one.

I really don't. Cos those are bad.

I'll do the rest of the show in Canadian.

OK, fair enough.

BAD CANADIAN ACCENT: Anger after woman is told she can't what on...?

That's a Yorkshire accent!

-That's Yorkshire. OK, let's go back to what it was.

-OK.

-RICHARD:

-Is it "take a dump on Sunderland"?

LAUGHTER

It is...

Here's Helen Hook with the offending item.

Oh, she should be allowed to take that on board.

What is it? Like a Geordie hummus?

I know it's made with high explosive, I know that.

That's the only thing I know about it.

-She's very upset about it, though.

-Look how upset she is. She's like,

"I've got a shot glass of Geordie hummus and I..."

-RICHARD:

-"I was going to dump this all over Sunderland."

LAUGHTER

That's the one accent that's my favourite, that I also can't do.

I'm going to learn it one day.

It's about the hardest one, the Geordie accent.

I can go, "Hey-a, hey, it's me, Cheryl Cole.

"The nation's sweetheart."

One way of doing it is to be able to mention two Walt Disney characters,

Mickey Mouse and Pluto.

LAUGHTER Ohh!

Or if you're into wrestling, you can do Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.

-Yeah. Even better, even better.

-LAUGHTER

Kendo Nagasaki.

And is that why they can't eat solid food, because they have, like, a...?

Very tight back here.

So, the final scores are - Paul and Desiree have seven.

Ian and Richard have five.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Paul and Desiree, this is your Caption Competition.

Will you marry me?

Yeah. Right?!

Chicken rushed to hospital after chef rose out of his arse.

"I was expecting the American flag!"

He's a nice chap, but he's got a terrible chick on his shoulder!

GROANING

-I don't feel so bad about mine now!

-Ian and Richard, have this.

It's the Government's new affordable housing.

"I can't wait for our giant teddy bear to turn up."

LAUGHTER

That is literally a picture of me and my partner.

You're like a Great Dane crossed with Stephen Hawking,

you know? Like...

That must have been a hell of a romance.

No, but just, like, really, like, long and lean,

-but really clever, as well.

-Yeah.

-Is it time for the rest of us to go?

-LAUGHTER

-I thought that was a nice thing to say.

-Yeah... Um...

I tell you what, I'll think of a dog and a scientist who you're like

and we'll see if that's funny.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're like...

You're like Marie Curie and a miniature schnauzer.

And I leave you with news that, in Myanmar,

after a personal audience with Aung San Suu Kyi,

Pope Francis insists she listened carefully to all his criticisms.

In the middle of a recording of Pointless,

an opportunistic thief makes off with Richard Osman's bicycle.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to see a Great Dane riding THAT.

-Or indeed Stephen Hawking.

-LAUGHTER

And in Italy, Silvio Berlusconi looks to move on

from past misdemeanours, as he relaunches himself

as a serious leadership contender.

Good night.