Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week - as he arrives at 10 Downing Street,

David Davis spots Michel Barnier's car parked outside.

Despite Lord Ashcroft's insistence that for tax purposes

Belize is his main residence,

questions are raised as to how long he actually spends there.

And in a TV studio in London, after an item about the drug Spice,

the producers wonder what happened to the sample that was lying around.

On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and TV presenter

who was one of the hosts of the BBC special EU Referendum: The Result.

Don't tell me what happened, I've still not watched it.

Please welcome Steph McGovern.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who was once in a band that she

says went nowhere due to the lack of songs, musical ability and talent.

I didn't know she used to be in Steps. Please welcome Jo Caulfield.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Jo, take a look at this.

Wake up, time for a coup.

That's the sort of thing you can wear when you're a dictator,

nobody'd dare tell you.

-Happy.

-Yeah, they're dancing in the streets.

Oh, couldn't do that when Mugabe was in charge.

And that's a crocodile.

When Mugabe first came to power in 1980, there was

a joke which I think was on the northern working men club circuit,

which I haven't heard since,

but the joke was that Mugabe was actually a Yorkshireman in reverse,

cos if you write his name backwards, it's E-BA-GUM.

LAUGHTER

So, that's been 37 years waiting for that laugh.

So, Robert Mugabe, yes, after 37 years in power,

-he has resigned.

-Yes.

And why was he forced out now?

Well, if we've learned anything from history,

any tyrant always has

a wife with a lot of shoes.

And this always seems to be the tipping point.

I mean, he massacred people,

he ruined the economy,

he siphoned away billions,

people were starving,

but then they went, "Oh, how many shoes does his wife have?"

That's it, isn't it?

She said she had to have all these shoes.

She had to have Ferragamo, because she had very narrow feet.

Mm.

And people believed that, because if they didn't, they were killed.

Have you seen what else she spent her money on, though?

Cos she spent 200 grand on a headboard for their bed.

Like, what does a headboard worth 200 grand actually do?

That's what you've got to ask yourself.

I would think she would need to knock herself out on it.

Yeah.

But she's called Gucci Grace

because that's where she likes to shop...

-Yes, she is.

-..as I am known as Jo Majestic Wines Caulfield.

And this is Paul Cravat Shop Merton.

-Yes...

-Cravat World, I think!

Next to Poundland.

You don't go to Poundland. Surely you go to Guinealand.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Mugabe was forced out by the army after

he fired his vice president Emmerson Mnangagwa earlier this month,

and for trying to position his wife Grace as successor.

There's more to Grace, though, than just shopping and seizing farms.

She's actually Dr Grace Mugabe.

Cos she forced her husband to give her all these different accolades.

Well, that's scandalous. I'm not sure that's true.

She got her PhD at the University of Zimbabwe this year.

It apparently just took her three months to do,

which is very impressive.

The doctorate was awarded to her by the University Chancellor,

actually, a Mr RG Mugabe.

How did the generals go about reassuring everyone it wasn't

-a military coup?

-Dancing, it seems to be.

-Yeah, they staged a musical.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, they took over state TV, which is always a sign of something

-not being a coup.

-That's right.

One of the generals broadcast a message saying it definitely

wasn't a military coup.

And let's have a look at that message.

To both our people and the world beyond our borders...

..we wish to make it abundantly clear that this is not a military

takeover of government.

Cos he doesn't look like he's in the military at all there, does he?

-No.

-He doesn't look scary at all.

-He was in the Cubs. That's...

There was a letter of resignation from Mugabe which said:

Which sounds tremendously voluntary to me.

It does. Particularly with a tank outside your house.

So, he's replaced.

The ambitious young reformer who is going to provide

a fresh break with the past

is 75-year-old Emmerson Mnangagwa.

He's known as the Crocodile. Why do we think that is?

People say you think he's sleeping,

but he isn't, and then he comes and kills you.

-Sort of friendly name.

-It's cuddly, isn't it?

-Yeah.

According to the Economist, it's for his habit of...

And this doesn't seem to worry the people on the streets.

A crocodile...

NEWS VOICEOVER: Emmerson Mnangagwa is known as the Crocodile,

celebrated here for his ruthless cunning.

But when it gets its prey...

Om!

There's a lot of optimism in Zimbabwe, which is heartbreaking.

If you're watching this on...

LAUGHTER

You think it's misplaced, then?

He's not a great guy.

I mean, he did organise the massacres of 20,000 people.

I mean, it's not a big deal nowadays, I know, but...

-But they're very old, aren't they? Cos...

-Who, they are?

-93.

-Mugabe's 93.

And so the new guy, the Crocodile guy, he's 75.

And I just think, "God, when does ambition stop?"

You know, when do people just...?

They should be just watching whatever Zimbabwe version

of Cash In The Attic is, you know what I mean?

It's Cash In The Bank In France.

Siphoned Off Money In The Attic, yes.

-Political Opponents In The Attic.

-Yeah.

Grace has been a fiercely loyal supporter of her husband.

How did she plan on helping him

continue as president as he got older?

Getting him embalmed.

Then just keeping him going for as long as possible

while she controls the remote behind them.

That's pretty much the right answer, actually.

She said he would never quit as leader because:

And if he died before then, no problem.

-Man! Wasn't far off.

-"Field him"?

-Yeah.

-For elections.

-I see.

Where you can put up dead people. It's not a coup.

The new bloke said they were looking forward to a new era of democracy.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Yeah...

-Who's the biggest loser in all this?

-Robert Mugabe.

Is it Gucci,

given that they're now not going to have a woman with loads of money?

Well, even bigger loser than them is Mugabe's tailor.

Where will he find clients that want to wear suits like this?

It's just him and Timmy Mallett, isn't it?

There aren't many men that can carry off a suit with

a picture of their own face on it.

Mugabe's best look, though, for me, was this one.

Finally, since we've been talking about the Crocodile,

what other politician is concerned about big reptiles this week?

Oh, is it elephants?

-Big reptiles.

-Yeah...

APPLAUSE

I resign.

-University challenged.

-Sorry, idiot.

-Well, it's Australian MP Bob Katter.

-Oh, yeah.

Here he is explaining his feelings about same-sex marriages,

but watch for the subtle gear change

as he realises there are more important issues.

You know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities, you know?

I mean, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom

as far as I'm concerned, you know?

But I ain't spending any time on it,

because in the meantime,

every three months, a person is torn to pieces

by a crocodile in North Queensland.

That person must be getting pretty fed up of it.

This is the news that one of the most ruthless, corrupt

and bloodthirsty leaders Zimbabwe has ever known

has taken over from Robert Mugabe.

The new leader of Zimbabwe is...

Previously best known for beating Phil "The Power" Taylor

with a nine-dart finish at The Lakeside.

The crisis began when Grace Mugabe persuaded her husband

to get rid of Emmerson "The Crocodile" Mnangagwa,

partly because she saw him as a political rival,

but mainly because she wanted to turn him into a handbag.

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson used all his diplomatic skills

to curry favour with the incoming regime,

declaring it a glorious new dawn

for the people of Rhodesia.

Ian and Steph, take a look at this.

The famous red box where they have to try and pull rabbits out of it.

That's the government.

Oh, that's moving into a new home.

"No, you can't afford it".

This is, of course, the Budget.

-It was a bit funnier than they normally are.

-Yeah.

Cos obviously you had Theresa May handing him cough sweets

in the middle of it as well, you know?

-Yeah, I thought that was subtle.

-Yeah, really subtle.

-Him reminding her of how bad her speech was.

-Yeah.

But he seems to have done enough to survive.

It's great, being in a really weak government.

Cos you listen to all your critics

and you write it down and then you read it out in the Budget.

And everyone says, "He's brilliant.

"Universal Credit not working? That's a fantastic thought.

"Not enough homes? How did he think of that?"

The idea that everyone else has been saying this

for the last 15 years...

It's gone. Suddenly he gets all the credit.

Well, not Universal Credit, obviously.

Anyway, he survived and it wasn't bad enough for anyone

to get too angry about.

Yes, what's the big problem that Big Phil faced

before this Budget?

-Life.

-Well, everyone hated him.

-Yes.

Everyone thinks he's rubbish.

-Here he is, poor Phil, scratching his head.

-Friendless Phil.

He didn't have much support beforehand.

Critics were queueing up in the Telegraph

to say his days were numbered.

..said his wife.

What's caused all the underlying gloom?

Brexit? And the fact that there's so much uncertainty.

-Typical BBC Remoaner.

-I know, there we go.

-You can't come on for one minute, can you?

-No.

Without going on and on...

"It's all Brexit's fault". God!

PAUL CHUCKLES

Honestly, it's pretty annoying.

I haven't seen you so animated

since you thought an elephant was a reptile.

APPLAUSE

-Growth forecasts.

-Mm, downgraded.

-Downgraded.

-Yeah.

-From what?

From 2% to 1.5%,

which, in monetary terms, is about £20 billion.

-Forecasts do my head in because they're never right, are they?

-No.

So, how many times have I been on TV...?

-I'm going to have a little mini rant.

-Yeah.

-Go for it.

How many times have I been on TV and said,

"The Bank of England's forecasting this, the OBR's forecasting this"?

No-one's ever got it right.

The best person who's given any analysis is that lady

who was asked about when there was going to be another election,

do you remember what she said?

"Oh, not another one!" Which is exactly how I feel.

I'm going to be fired before the end of this, by the way!

Given it's MY job to talk about forecasts, but there we are.

Is it that business journalists just like numbers

and want to put their favourite number in,

so people are just shouting different numbers?

-Yeah, and for me, I just love hard hats.

-Do you?

I just like going around various building sites.

-And vis jackets.

-Oh, high vis.

-Yeah.

Do you know, there's even someone who's set up a fetish website

of Steph in safety gear?

I bet you haven't got one of them, Ian.

You don't know that I set it up.

APPLAUSE

What's the address?

Why was Philip Hammond depicted like this in The Sun on Budget Day?

Is that a ferret or a weasel?

Or perhaps it's an elephant, I don't know.

Looks a bit like Arsene Wenger. Is that meant to be...?

-STEPH:

-Yeah, it does, actually.

-What's going on?

-Yeah.

It's a weasel, actually.

It was to warn him against increasing duty on diesel fuel.

-Don't be a diesel weasel?

-Yeah.

Well, drivers of diesel cars, having been actively

encouraged by governments to go out and buy them,

have now been hit by extra fuel duty.

-And that's just what weasels do in the wild.

-Yeah, they do.

Philip Hammond is determined that by 2021...

And he's paying to install electric charging points all over the place.

I've got loads in my house.

Why's everyone so keen on driverless cars? I like driving.

Don't people like driving?

-So they can get drunk and then be taken home.

-That's called a cab.

-JO:

-If there's driverless cars, there'll be no more Top Gear.

That is a big incentive for me.

Driverless cars caused Philip Hammond some embarrassment

before the Budget. He told Andrew Marr that to show his confidence

in driverless technology, he'd be going in a driverless car

the very next day. This alerted Number Ten to a potentially

embarrassing visual metaphor.

And a spokesman told the Telegraph...

Yeah, a lot of people are scared

by the new technology of driverless cars, but do you want to

-see something really creepy?

-Yeah.

-Have a look at this.

-We can't rely on the stairs to stop them now, can we?

-No, that's it.

Matt Hancock, who is the Digital Minister, who's very much on board

with the Government's support for technology, he tweeted...

We need those maths teachers, don't we?

You're good at maths, though, Steph, aren't you?

Didn't you, when you were a child, work out how to make

a Black & Decker leaf blower much more efficient,

and thus saving them millions of pounds? Is that true?

Yeah, when I was 19 I used to work for Black & Decker and I got

trained in lean production, so it was all about productivity.

And I got trained in something called Six Sigma,

so I've got a green belt in it.

-Which also means I'm incredibly violent.

-Right.

So, I did all this analysis

and worked out how they could make them faster.

So, they could make them faster,

-and it meant they could close the factory at weekends.

-Right.

So, basically I cut jobs in the north-east.

Who would like to see BBC political jester Norman Smith

explaining the Brexit divorce bill in overly simplistic terms?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Here he is.

So, how big is this Brexit divorce bill going to be?

It could be more than 40 billion.

GRUFF COCKNEY ACCENT: Loadsamoney!

Brussels could still say, "Non! We want more money."

And you know what? The Great British public could say...

GRUFF COCKNEY ACCENT: "Loadsamoney? You're 'aving a laugh!"

I say...

GRUFFLY: "Norman, stop it!"

-Which one is his normal accent?

-Yeah, definitely the posher one.

There've been complaints that the Government has done nothing

about the minimum wage, the so-called gig economy.

What has the millennials' favourite exploiter

of low-paid workers, Uber, admitted this week?

-Someone hacked into Uber...

-Mm.

..and stole the data of 57 million users.

-That's the entire country...

-Yeah.

-..is in an Uber all the time.

But they paid a ransom a year ago, it's just come out now.

100,000, yeah, for the hackers to keep quiet about the whole thing.

-But Uber accepted it?

-Yeah.

So they said, "We won't tell anyone about it, we won't report it."

And the criminals said, "We've erased all the data. Trust us,

"we're criminals who've just hacked into your system."

And then eventually they had to admit it.

Does Private Eye have worries that somebody might hack

into your system? You know, steal the carbon paper or something.

How has the Chancellor tried to appeal to young people?

Well, he's abolished the stamp duty.

And, oh, also the train thing, which seems kind of random.

-So, they get free train travel up to 30 now...

-Yeah.

..because they can't afford to live anywhere,

so they could live on the train.

It's called the new home replacement service.

It's a railcard, but it's off-peak, so you can't use it to go to work.

So you can't go to work, no.

-STEPH:

-Yeah, and you only get a third off.

-And you get a third off.

Still, it'd probably reduce the cost of a ticket from London

to Manchester down to about 400 quid.

He did some weird specific taxes, I thought,

where he did nothing on other booze, except strong cider

and rolling tobacco.

And I thought, "Well, he's missing out on that very important

" 'likes to drink in the park' demographic, isn't he?"

It seemed like it was an actual person

and I was imagining there's like an evil bubble

and then you cut to Phil Hammond's daughter

and her useless boyfriend rolling fags and drinking cider.

I thought it was a pretty blatant attack on Farage.

He's also cracking down on property speculators and investors

who leave property vacant.

Did you see what happened to the old vacant stadium in Atlanta

called the Georgia Dome?

-It was demolished in an explosion...

-Oh, yeah.

-..and lots of news media

were there to see it and they set up in the best camera position possible

to catch the never-to-be-repeated moment.

-BLEEP!

-Get out of the way, bus!

You... Ugh!

-What the

-BLEEP?!

BLEEP!

APPLAUSE

This is the news that the Chancellor has delivered

a brilliant/terrible Budget

according to how much white cider you drink.

The budget also tackles environmental issues,

with a tax on...

Because of concerns that...

Especially when the cast of Love Island go swimming.

The Daily Mirror said the Chancellor's Budget amounted to...

..which I think is one of the films on Damian Green's computer.

APPLAUSE

And so on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-This is the Queen and Prince Philip

showing why they get on so well together.

It's their 70th wedding anniversary, I think, 1947.

What did the Queen give Philip?

Northumberland?

It was very lazy gift-giving.

-She gave him...

-She gave him a medal.

-Yep.

It's like, if you said to your wife, "Oh, happy anniversary,

"here's a copy of Private Eye." It's not a good gift.

But did you notice how they said,

"We're going to have a low-key affair,"

and then they had a massive party at Windsor Castle,

put out a load of stamps, and then got ten bell-ringers

to ring bells at Westminster Abbey for three hours.

I mean, what's wrong with sausage rolls

and a couple of rounds of Agadoo?

The thought of Prince Philip singing Agadoo is making me very happy.

Yes, she gave him another title. She's making him...

Cross being the operative word.

According to the royal biographer Ingrid Seward

the secret to their happy marriage is that...

What do you think they might laugh about?

Us.

Fools!

Well, Ingrid said the Queen is...

And is...

-STEPH GASPS

-No! I would love to see that.

Oh, we'd all love to see that, wouldn't we?

Do you know what? I always panic, cos obviously at the BBC,

when we do the news, we have a whole procedure if anyone

who's Category One, like the Queen, dies.

So we have to go through this procedure every month

of rehearsing it and I am in blind panic that one morning

it's me on and how gutted the royal family will be

when a girl with a north-east accent announces

the death of the Queen. Can you imagine that?

Like, "Now then, everyone...

"..just to let you know, Bet's pegged it."

-APPLAUSE

-So every time, I get a sweat on!

Ingrid also revealed the couple share a bedroom,

but Prince Philip also has his own in case...

The royal family's Twitter account released some official portraits

of the couple. Here's the tweet from the royal account.

That's brilliant.

Up to that point, I thought they were well matched!

That's just a technical error, how the pictures are displayed,

they don't actually look like that.

I think it's time we did a little something special

-to mark this unique occasion.

-Yes, let's do something special.

Let's do that. Fingers on the buzzers, teams,

for the no expense spent Phil and Liz Quiz.

FANFARE PLAYS

Right, we've got 70 questions to get through,

so try and keep the pace up.

What did Prince Philip give up in 1947?

-BELL Yes?

-Oh, his life.

-BUZZER Jo?

-Smoking.

He did, he gave up smoking cigarettes.

The Queen didn't like it, so he just stopped dead.

He still likes to blaze a doobie, though,

and maybe a bong or two at the weekends.

The royal couple received 2,583 wedding presents,

but what did they get 76 of?

-BELL

-Toasters.

-Nope.

76 people gave them handkerchiefs.

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-Eh, Phil, look at all these hankies we got.

APPLAUSE

They also got...

It's amazing they should all think of the same thing!

What special rule is there when the Queen is on the royal train?

Kenneth Branagh has to appear with a moustache.

When the Queen is travelling on the royal train,

it's not allowed to go over bumpy tracks at 7:30am because...

-The bath on the train?

-A bath on the train.

-Wow!

-I know, I know.

It must be really irritating

if you're queueing outside that cubicle.

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-There's somebody in 'ere!

-Yeah.

There's those automatic doors that open, she's like that...

What did Prince Philip say when he first saw baby Prince Charles?

Ugh!

He said he looked like a frog, or...

..he looks like some sort of reptile. Perhaps a large elephant.

That's not far off, yeah.

Philip missed Prince Charles' birth

because he was playing squash at the time.

But when they finally met, Philip said:

Now Charles just looks like a bitter lemon.

Finally, what nickname do Prince William and Harry

have for the Queen?

-Your Majesty.

-Madge.

-The Guv'nor.

-No.

Earlier this year it was revealed the princes call the Queen...

Oh! Do you reckon that's her Scouse alter ego, Gary?

It totally is, isn't it?

Well, apparently it's because Prince William couldn't say granny

when he was a baby, but I'll go with the Scouse alter ego,

that sounds better.

This is the Queen and Prince Philip's 70th wedding anniversary.

According to a royal biographer,

the secret of their long marriage is...

Especially when their accountant phones them with more good news

from the Cayman Islands.

According to the Sunday Express, in the early days of their marriage...

Not as surprised as those carol singers he opened the door to.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL RINGS

This is the story about Paperchase and the fact that they

gave away wrapping paper with the Daily Mail,

and then everyone kicked off, so then they put out this ridiculous

apology saying, "We're really sorry,

"we'll never, ever, ever do it again,"

which then everyone kicked off about as well.

Yes, this is the news that Paperchase felt obliged to apologise

after giving away two free sheets of wrapping paper in the Daily Mail.

Here is the full grovel.

How old are Paperchase? Five?

"I'm really sorry, I won't do it again."

Why did they apologise in the first place?

Cos they were lobbied by a group that tries to stop people

they don't approve of taking ads in newspapers.

Which is quite dangerous. Cos where do you stop?

Stop the Guardian having ads because you don't approve of them.

In America, you know, abortion clinics,

if you don't approve of them.

It's not a great way to censor a newspaper.

Don't buy it if you don't like it.

And if you're a big firm that wants to give away paper, well,

there are other publications.

-It's an attack on press freedom.

-It is a bit.

How did the Mail respond?

-No idea.

-Well, they said...

Yes! I knew it, I knew it!

-Reasonably, then.

-Yes.

-Has the Mail ever tried to impose its views on anybody?

-Never.

-No.

In other wrapping news, why are people

so angry at Amazon at the moment?

Is this because they sent some bubble wrap to someone

and they wrapped it in loads and loads and loads of paper,

so much so this fella had his entire garden full of all the paper

just from the wrapping of the bubble wrap.

Yes, people's orders keep coming with too much packaging.

Paul Jacobs ordered some bubble wrap,

and it came with 100 feet of brown paper padding.

-He looks happy, though, doesn't he?

-He does, yeah.

Finally, what did the BBC's Simon McCoy spend a little too long

doing on the news channel this week?

-Having a go at the weather forecaster?

-No.

-No.

He was watching some beatboxers. Let's have a look.

-Let's go!

-THEY BEATBOX

# Bring it on, bring it on bring it on back. #

THEY BEATBOX

Yeah, that was... That was quite good.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Paul and Jo, your four are...

..Winston Churchill,

Hatton Garden's gang member John "Kenny" Collins,

BBC newsroom staff

and Mike Ashley.

We think we know this one. It's about sleep.

It is about sleep.

Cos the Hatton Garden, he was so old, he fell asleep,

-he was the lookout.

-Ah.

And everyone at the BBC sleeps regularly during shifts.

-Right.

-That's what we do.

-Especially the Breakfast lot.

Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, it's three hours long,

what do you want us to do?

-Well, your audience are!

-Oh!

And I thought we were getting on!

Yeah, and then he fell asleep in a board meeting, didn't he?

-Oh, yeah.

-JO:

-Mike Ashley?

-After he'd thrown up in the fireplace.

Yes, after he'd had a few pints, I think.

A few pints at the board meeting. And Winston Churchill was always

asleep in the afternoon, he took a lot of naps.

-So, the odd one out is...?

-The BBC.

Winston Churchill was allowed to have a nap,

the others were all sleeping when they should've been working.

-No.

-No.

-Nearly.

-Dreadful.

-You're on the right track.

-Yeah, appalling answer.

-I'm going to put you out of your misery.

They all deliberately slept at work,

except for Hatton Garden gang member John "Kenny" Collins...

-Exactly.

-..who accidentally dozed off twice

-during the notorious jewellery heist.

-Hang on.

-We don't deliberately sleep at work.

-Apparently, you do.

And we have proof.

The Hatton Garden gang didn't have a lot of faith

in John "Kenny" Collins. What did they call him?

-The Sleeper.

-Sleepy, yeah.

-Dozy?

-No.

-Snoozy John?

-Useless bastard?

-Collins.

-Almost. Apparently he wasn't the brightest.

-Yeah.

-Dopey.

-Dimwit Collins.

Well, they called him...

Claiming...

-Why did they pick him, then?

-Yeah, why did they pick him?

Well, there you go.

What other mishaps did they get up to during the robbery?

Erm...

Well, aside from their sleeping lookout,

they gave their real address when buying machinery

used in the robbery, they triggered a police alarm,

they left vital clues behind including traceable drill parts,

only two of the elderly men were slim enough to fit

through the hole they'd drilled and one man...

-Other than that, they did really well.

-Yeah.

Now, the BBC. Photos of sleeping BBC newsroom workers

-were taken by a whistle-blower...

-Oh!

-..over a four-year period

and published in The Sun with this front page...

How many workers were photographed asleep in a four-year period,

-do you think?

-17.

-Was it one?

-It was eight.

-Eight.

-Eight.

-Over four years?

-Over four years. Yeah, disgraceful.

-You see, that's not many.

-Well, here they are.

-Here are the culprits.

-They're probably very tired.

-There's one. Yeah, there's another one.

-Oh, I know him.

This one's taking it quite seriously,

he's even brought an eye mask.

You ever had a kip in the office?

That's what I did this afternoon, I had a power nap.

-Did you?

-While I was talking to Ian.

You seem to have a lot of energy on BBC Breakfast.

-That's the drugs.

-Well...

Explain this, then.

TRADITIONAL IRISH MUSIC

How about that?!

APPLAUSE

-Were you explaining income tax?

-Yeah.

That's how I make business news interesting.

You didn't get the full audio there, I was delivering the FTSE.

Churchill was once asked,

to what did he attribute his success in life?

And what do you think he said?

-Alcohol, was it?

-It wasn't alcohol.

-Cigarettes.

-Cigars.

-Sleeping.

Yeah, basically. It was...

I see they've got a point even though they didn't get the answer.

We got the sleep bit of it.

A point for dancing. What are you going to do?

I can't... I mean, I'm not involved with the points.

-No, that's fine.

-Yeah.

-Is he a bad loser?

-Erm...

-I wouldn't know.

-Look and see!

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

Ian and Steph, here are yours.

President Xi Jinping, Obi-Wan Kenobi,

Carl the koi carp,

and a sausage roll.

This was the story, wasn't it,

Greggs replacing Jesus in the nativity scene with a sausage roll.

Is it objects that replaced a deity?

Cos this carp is a deity.

Wasn't there one that looked like Jesus recently, as well?

What, a carp?

-Yeah, a koi carp.

-Really?

Yeah, that looked like... I'm sure there was.

Cos you know...

When you say it looked like Jesus... Wh...? Wh...?

-Is this part of the answer?

-It absolutely is part of the answer.

Excellent, then Obi-Wan Kenobi is a deity in the Jedi religion.

And he's also one of those devices that kills flies in chip shops.

So maybe there is a koi carp that thinks it's Jesus.

-How do they know that it thinks it's Jesus?

-Cos they asked it.

-Right.

Gets very nervous around Easter time.

You're really on the right lines.

If you give me the right odd one out I think you'll get the point.

They don't have to give you the right one,

they got a point last time for not giving you the right one.

Suddenly you're getting pernickety about giving the odd one out.

I'm glad to see you're over it.

Is it the Chinese president?

It's not the right answer. Paul and Jo, it's a chance to get a point.

-The odd one out's the sausage roll.

-Is not the right answer.

Sorry, I meant the Chinese... No, the koi carp.

-The koi carp, yeah.

-The koi carp is the odd one out.

Is the right answer, yes.

You've both got a point there.

That's how this game works, the rules are online

if anyone wants to look them up.

The answer is they've all replaced an image of Jesus

apart from Carl the koi carp,

who some people claim looks a bit like Jesus.

-Let's see a better picture of Carl the koi.

-Yeah.

Here's him from another angle.

Helen Barlow from Manchester

took the photo at her local garden centre.

-Who does she think it looks like?

-George Clooney.

Trump. Everyone thinks things look like Trump at the moment.

Yes. She says she can see...

She added:

Christians in China have been told to replace images of Christ

with photos of President Xi Jinping.

Anyone who dares refuse are given the harshest sentence possible -

double shifts at the iPhone factory.

Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Someone on the internet replaced his mother's picture of Jesus

with a picture of the young Obi-Wan Kenobi.

The prankster's brother

posted something on a social media landfill site called Reddit.

-Brilliant.

-Let's see it.

They've all replaced an image of Jesus apart from

a koi carp in Manchester who looks like Jesus.

He doesn't!

-It's a miracle.

-It isn't!

It's a miracle the story ever made the papers.

-Some people...

-Lots of people.

..like Paul, weren't convinced of Carl the koi carp's

resemblance to Jesus,

but then the scales fell from their eyes.

Obviously the fish isn't actually Jesus.

If he was Jesus he'd be on top of the water.

Greggs have provoked controversy

by replacing the baby Jesus with a sausage roll.

Here's the picture.

Mary and Joseph aren't there,

they are away in a Pret a Manger.

Yes!

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication Frog Log.

I don't know if you've reddit, reddit, reddit.

We start with...

Having a party!

What a boring answer!

Baking a special cake.

-Getting there.

-Buy a cake with 101 candles on it.

-Yeah, well...

-202 candles.

Phyllis Jones and Irene Crump nearly set the house on fire

when they insisted on having 101 candles on each of their cakes.

Here they are.

-Well done!

-The pair even had a stripper,

although it turned out to be a real fireman who was just too hot.

The Metro put the blame on...

Don't call them that, they've lived through two World Wars.

Next, what...?

Brexit.

Whether Eileen Jenkins was a goer or not.

-She was.

-She was.

-Brexit!

-This is the news...

You don't half go on about it at the Beeb, don't you?

This is the news that a decisive battle in Anglo-Saxon history

may have taken place under what is now a lay-by near Doncaster.

Historians believe the winning tactic for King Athelstan

involved cutting off the enemy's supply lines by ransacking

the Wild Bean Cafe at Junction 14.

Next...

-STEPH:

-Fart.

-Eat each other.

-Yes!

This is from an article in Frog Log, believe it or not,

which also revealed the bigger the frog, the more likely it was

to have cannibalistic tendencies.

Here's the photographic evidence.

I prefer a toad in the hole, myself.

Next...

Psychiatrist.

She goes over the edge quite easily, doesn't she?

Delia Smith believes restaurant food has become too poncey.

Also this week, the TV cook was made a Companion of Honour by the Queen,

unsurprisingly, as she has written Her Majesty's favourite recipe book,

Cooking For One.

Finally...

Wife number eight.

She can't stand him.

This is Ron Sheppard looking for wife number nine.

He's previously been married to...

I think we can pinpoint the moment when he discovered the internet.

APPLAUSE

So, the final scores are...

..Paul and Jo have six, but this week's winners

are Ian and Steph with eight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that in Somerset,

in an attempt to emulate Boris Johnson's success with Boris Bikes,

Jacob Rees-Mogg launches his own version.

After a two-month trip overseas, one MP saunters back into the office

not realising the rules have changed.

And at Beijing Zoo, a panda feels a sudden rush of empathy

for a creature forced to mate against her will.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE