Episode 6 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 6

The extended version of the topical news quiz. Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are joined by guest host Victoria Coren Mitchell and panellists Sara Pascoe and Henry Blofeld.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.

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In the news this week, as Lewis Hamilton's private jet

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stops to refuel at Heathrow,

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a government tax inspector is there to greet him.

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With some members of the Cabinet having a tough week,

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the Minister for Health and Safety

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takes the opportunity to relax away from the spotlight.

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And, in the Midlands, James Dyson's less successful brothers

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try to get in on the act.

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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's writing a book

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called Sex Power Money,

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although there may be a copyright battle

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as that's also the new title of Hansard.

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Please welcome Sara Pascoe.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a veteran cricket commentator

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whose live show, An Evening With Blowers,

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has been recorded on DVD and CD...

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..VHS, audio cassette,

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vinyl, wax cylinder and parchment.

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Please welcome Henry Blofeld.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Sara, take a look at this.

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That's "Priti" useless.

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-Out she comes.

-That's where she was on holiday.

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-Yes, that's the Dead Sea.

-That's the aeroplane.

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That's the most famous aeroplane in history.

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That's the meeting where he said,

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"I met a friend of yours last week - Priti."

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There we are, off he goes. "Nothing to do with me."

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There were two cabinet ministers lost this week.

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It may be more by the time you see this.

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So, the Cabinet could be down to just Mrs May...

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..asking herself to resign.

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Looking in a mirror, going, "I don't think you can handle this.

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"I just don't believe in you!"

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It's been a terrible week for the Government.

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They lost Michael Fallon over the sexual assault allegations.

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And now they've lost Priti Patel

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for having a holiday in Israel and not telling anyone

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what she was doing on holiday.

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She had very important meetings.

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How many meetings?

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-12.

-12 meetings.

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How long was she there for?

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She was there for 13 days.

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So, she had one day off.

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That's like Craig David!

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Yes, she wasn't just having meetings with anyone,

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she met the Prime Minister of Israel and didn't mention it.

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He's a big deal over there.

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Yeah, I know!

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She got called in to say, "What was all this about?"

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She apologised, she was forgiven,

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and then it transpired that she'd met EVEN MORE Israeli officials.

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So, she was called back from Africa and everybody watched the flight.

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That's the thing that's icky about it.

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Obviously, she's done very underhand things,

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and perhaps even more underhand than we understand yet,

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but the thing about someone being on a plane

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not knowing how much trouble they're in...

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..like, it's FUN!

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Do you think Theresa May was watching it on that little map?

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Definitely.

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"Another eight hours, and I'll sack you!"

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-Do you ever have secret meetings when you go on holiday?

-Yeah.

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You must have met Middle Eastern potentates, Henry?

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-You've met everyone.

-Um, well, I suppose I've met one or two.

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I used to go to Sharjah to watch cricket,

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and there was a chap there I thought was the Lord High Executioner

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called Abdul Rahman Bukhatir.

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And they go around, and the amazing pomp and ceremony,

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the cars and everything.

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It really makes one mildly ill.

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Or mildly jealous. Actually, I've never wished to own Rolls-Royces,

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-have you?

-Yes.

-You have?

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Well, that's fair enough.

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In my dreams, you've got one.

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I've got one? No, no. I drove to India in a Rolls-Royce, five of us,

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a 1921 Silver Ghost.

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It took us 46 days and nights.

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It was the most exciting adventure of my life.

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The only boring thing was, no-one shot at us.

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That would have made it much more exciting.

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You may be the only person in the world who has weirder holidays

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than Priti Patel!

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Yes...

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APPLAUSE

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One of the great things was,

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we were sponsored by the people who made Long John Scotch Whisky,

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who paid us in kind as well as cash.

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They're defunct now, so I'm not really advertising, but...

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Was it the cost of this trip that pushed them over the edge?

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That was the question it begged.

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Probably!

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Let's get back to this... this controversy.

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When the story broke that the Foreign Office hadn't

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known about Priti Patel's secret meetings, what did she say?

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-She said they did know. She said she'd told Boris.

-Uh-oh.

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Well, that's right. She initially said...

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And how did she then modify this statement?

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The Foreign Office didn't know.

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She issued a clarification that stated,

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when she said Boris knew about the visit...

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-And what else did she have to clarify?

-The next lot of meetings?

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-As long as she's clear.

-After she came back,

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it turned out they were MORE meetings in Westminster.

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She's met everybody in Israel.

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The entire population have had tea with Priti Patel.

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She also suggested that some of Britain's aid budget

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goes to the Israeli army in the disputed Golan Heights.

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Yes, it is UK policy that the Golan Heights is occupied territory

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and British officials are not meant to go there,

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but that doesn't apply to Priti Patel...because she voted Leave.

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And if you're in the Cabinet and you're a Leaver,

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normal rules don't apply, you can do whatever you like.

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That is policy.

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Now, what do we know about Priti Patel?

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Because sometimes people resign before people have got

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the chance to get to know who they are.

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-I know she's pro the death penalty.

-She WAS pro the death penalty.

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Did you have an argument with her, Ian, about that?

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I think I probably did, yes.

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You convinced her otherwise? The value of human life

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-and rehabilitation. Ian?

-Did she change her mind?

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Apparently she's no longer a supporter of the death penalty.

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Oh, I've done something useful in my life.

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That's disillusioning, isn't it?

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She also campaigned against the smoking ban and equal marriage.

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She called British workers among the laziest in the world

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and she's been described as a...

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I guess you think everyone's lazy

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if you take 13 meetings on a family holiday.

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Who's replaced Priti Patel? Do we know that?

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-Penny.

-Penny Mordaunt is the replacement.

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-What do we know about her?

-She's been on Splash!

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Did you watch her on Splash?

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No, I don't, no.

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-Would you like to have a look at it now?

-No, thank you.

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I want to see it. I've heard she does a really big belly flop

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-and it really hurt her.

-Well, funnily enough...

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Let's have a look.

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AUDIENCE: Oh!

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LAUGHTER

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Oh!

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LAUGHTER CONTINUES

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I mean, as metaphors go...

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Is this channel freely available, or is it subscribers only?

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-ITV, Ian.

-ITV!

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Don't let it bother you.

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Now, Priti Patel's exit, or Prexit, has caused quite a distraction.

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Why might Boris Johnson be pleased about that?

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Because in the exact mirror image of this,

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there's a British citizen who's in prison in Iran.

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Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe.

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Yeah, and he said, in the Commons,

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that she'd just been training journalists,

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which is exactly what they've accused her of,

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what she's innocent of,

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and now our Foreign Secretary has said she has,

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and then she got taken back to court

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and given another five years on her sentence.

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The one thing you're meant to feel as a British citizen

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going around the world is that if you get into trouble,

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the Foreign Office will be backing you and be on your side

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and it won't put up some idiot

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who reinforces your sentence by another five years.

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And he's had to face the woman's husband,

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which is the only shaft of humour.

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Not the first irate husband Boris has presumably...faced...

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who's unbelievably cross about it,

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and, you know, as you would be.

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-And I'm sure the Foreign Office are cross.

-Boris Johnson said...

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And have his fellow Conservatives been quick to rally round

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-and defend him?

-No, oddly!

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They've all said, "It's a disgrace."

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Well, it is a disgrace that someone can actually say this.

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It just... The mind boggles.

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-SARA:

-Yeah.

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Not only does the mind boggle, it makes one angry, really.

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And people who say, "I'm sorry if..."

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That's not sorry. "You're sorry THAT..."

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For someone who's meant to be a great linguist...

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..Boris speaks a number of languages.

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So, is this the end of the Government? Priti Patel's gone,

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Michael Fallon's gone, Boris might go, Damian Green might go.

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Damian Green might go! Look at all that talent being lost!

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I'm pretty terrified, aren't you?

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I can't imagine what we'll do without Boris,

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Priti Patel and Damian Green!

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Oh, I can't sleep at night.

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I mean, there's a big barrel out there.

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She can scrape the bottom of it again.

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Damian Green, as far as we know, his issue is less serious.

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The allegation is he's got porn on his computer.

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According to an ex-copper with a grievance.

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I mean, take it or leave it.

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Henry, we've all got porn on our computer, haven't we?

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Well, I'm frightfully dull, but I never have.

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I've always thought...

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There was a time in my life when I thought it would be rather fun,

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but I never discovered how to do it.

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And without any help from my computer, perhaps I still don't.

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There's so much talk about porn on the internet.

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What kind of person has NEVER looked?

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I've caught Ian Hislop's eye...

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It's enough that he stars in them.

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It's like a busman's holiday.

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There's a brilliant statistic here.

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How many times did someone in Parliament

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try to look at porn in 2013?

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-28,000.

-Five million.

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Clearly higher.

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It's 354,902 times!

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Although last year, that dropped to 113,000.

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But I suppose Boris Johnson was travelling more, wasn't he...

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..with the new job?

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I don't think he's a watcher, he's a doer.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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You've made everyone feel poorly!

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There's a bit of professional jealousy coming out there!

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I'm sure he isn't, I'm sure he isn't. I should perhaps clarify.

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But for reasons of balance, I'm sure he is.

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There was, finally, there was

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some good news for Theresa May this week. What was it?

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-She's still alive. Madame Tussaud's.

-Her waxwork has been finished.

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They got the waxwork in just in time.

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-Well, they had to melt down the old Gordon Brown.

-Did they?

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No, I just made that up.

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-There it is.

-That's pretty good.

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-That's pretty good.

-I mean, it really could be her, couldn't it?

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She looks very happy there as well.

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I mean, they are quite expert at this, they do

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tend to take photographs of people,

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all around the back of their heads and stuff, you know?

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Don't you have to lie there with the straws in your nostrils?

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I thought you had to lie down and have all the plaster on you

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and that's why she was enjoying it.

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"This is much better than running the country."

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This is the collapse of Theresa May's cabinet due to sex,

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corruption and incompetence.

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Priti Patel apologised for secretly meeting

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with the Israeli Prime Minister, admitting that, initially,

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she and Benjamin "met on Yahoo."

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According to the Daily Mail, one of Priti Patel's secret meetings

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was with the Israeli security minister,

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who's already said how sorry he is

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to hear about her car accident next week.

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Meanwhile, Boris Johnson has been accused

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of accidentally extending the prison sentence

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of a British citizen in Iran.

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According to the Guardian...

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There's an Iranian Boris Johnson?!

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He must have had everything chopped off by now.

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Paul and Henry, take a look at this.

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Yes. The beautiful Bahamas,

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where you can spend a lot of time with your money.

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-There is the money.

-There is the money.

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A self-effacing rock star who pays too much tax, according to him.

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There's Lewis Hamilton.

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The Queen's counting her ingots, I think.

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Yes, I can't remember which one's the good one.

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It's either avoidance or evasion.

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It's a very subtle difference, isn't it?

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You'll get sued if you say the wrong one.

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-Ah, right.

-So, go on.

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I'll mention your name as I'm passing through the legal system.

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So, yeah, it's about people who already have huge amounts of money

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who want to keep hold of their huge amounts of money by paying

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as little tax as possible by possibly evading, possibly avoiding,

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whichever one is the acceptable way of saying...stealing from us.

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It gets very odd when you're talking about millions and billions,

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in the case of Lewis Hamilton, who is extremely wealthy.

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-Isn't he meant to be the richest sportsman of all, now?

-I suppose so.

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He doesn't have to be particularly fit to do what he does.

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He sits in the car and points it in that direction.

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He's like an Uber driver who goes a bit quicker, that's all.

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Yes, it's the leak of files from a law firm showing the tax,

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-let's say "avoidance"...

-Avoidance!

-..practices of the rich and famous,

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referred to as the Paradise Papers.

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You mentioned Lewis Hamilton, Paul.

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What did he buy?

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-A private jet.

-And how much did that cost?

-16.5 million.

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16.5 million. That's not bad for a private jet.

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But how did he manage to get over three million back in VAT?

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-How indeed? Do you know how?

-Through a shell company.

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Yes, he bought the plane

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and then lent it to himself.

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-SARA:

-Oh...

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-That can't be right, can it?

-Well, right is the word, Henry.

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It is legal, and most of the operations

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that were revealed in this are legal, but they are an attempt

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to deprive other taxpayers of the income

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that you should be paying to the general pot.

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Other famous individuals were named,

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not just Lewis Hamilton. What's Bono done?

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He bought a shopping centre?

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He bought a shopping centre in beautiful Lithuania.

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-Here it is.

-Via a holding company in Malta.

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-I've actually been there.

-What? To that shopping centre?

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Yes, I spent ages trying to shop,

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but I still couldn't find what I was looking for.

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The way that photograph is framed is unusual,

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because you can't see "The Edge," do you see?

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I should mention that Bono says

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he didn't know he'd bought the shopping centre.

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A company bought it without his knowledge.

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Imagine having so much money you could buy a shopping centre

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without knowing you'd done it?

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How many shopping centres have you bought, Paul?

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-Well, you lose count after a while.

-You do.

-At least eight.

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-Any advance on eight?

-No, no, I haven't bought any.

-How boring.

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-I'm sorry.

-He issued a statement.

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-What did that say?

-Fuck the lot of you.

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The statement said, Bono said...

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Opening a can of worms there.

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Also, with someone like Bono, because there are some people

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you think, OK, that's kind of like on brand. You go, "OK,

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"you're the kind of person who complains about paying tax,

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"you don't want to do it, you've done these legal loophole things - fine."

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But someone like Bono, it's so hypocritical, yet people still

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seem to like him and like their music.

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That's what I find so strange.

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-Well, he's preachy.

-Yeah.

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-Which is, you know, always the pleasure with hypocrites, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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Every time you click your fingers, he's doing something else dodgy.

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There was that famous remark at the concert, wasn't there?

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He says, "Every time I click my fingers, a child dies,"

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and someone shouted, "Well, don't click your fingers!"

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Lord Ashcroft was dragged into the story.

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-Do we know how?

-Well, he's always dragged into all stories,

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due to his status as non-domiciled here for tax reasons.

0:18:050:18:09

And it does look as though he's been making quite a lot of money...

0:18:090:18:11

..in ways that are not, desperately searching for the word here,

0:18:130:18:18

entirely appropriate for someone who's in the House of Lords.

0:18:180:18:21

I'm not saying it's illegal or that he's extremely dodgy.

0:18:210:18:25

That would be wrong on the evidence we have to date.

0:18:270:18:29

And he still picks up his 300 nicker a day

0:18:290:18:31

-for going to the House of Lords.

-He did, yes.

-Shall we have a look

0:18:310:18:34

-at Lord Ashcroft being chased by a journalist?

-Yes, please.

0:18:340:18:36

-Oh, yes, this is very good.

-Is it across open countryside?

0:18:360:18:39

-Sadly not. Let's have a look.

-No?

0:18:410:18:43

Hi, I'm Richard Bilton, I work for Panorama, sir.

0:18:430:18:45

Can I grab a quick word?

0:18:450:18:46

I've been trying to send you these letters, but you wouldn't take them.

0:18:460:18:49

Could I have a quick word?

0:18:490:18:51

Did you have tens of millions in an offshore trust

0:18:510:18:54

that you secretly controlled?

0:18:540:18:55

Lord Ashcroft, why don't you just talk to me?

0:18:550:18:57

It would be great to hear your view.

0:18:570:18:59

Where are we going to end up? This is great!

0:18:590:19:01

Why don't you stop and answer my questions?

0:19:010:19:03

It'll take one minute, sir.

0:19:030:19:05

Sir, where are we going? We have been walking for two minutes.

0:19:050:19:08

Why don't you just give me your views?

0:19:080:19:10

Sir, why don't you just give me your views? We could have been sponsored!

0:19:100:19:13

We've done about a mile and a half. Where are we going?

0:19:130:19:16

This is brilliant, I don't know where we're going to end up!

0:19:160:19:18

Sir!

0:19:180:19:20

I'm not going to follow you in there, sir.

0:19:200:19:22

Why not?

0:19:240:19:25

Let me ask you this question, Mr Blofeld.

0:19:280:19:30

Do you prefer a double Irish or a double Irish with a Dutch sandwich?

0:19:300:19:33

Ooh, I think a double Irish with a Dutch sandwich.

0:19:330:19:36

-And does anyone have any idea what that is?

-No.

0:19:360:19:39

-Yeah, it's...

-Have you just ordered the biggest one?

-It's a tax ploy.

0:19:390:19:44

A lot of big companies registered in Ireland.

0:19:440:19:47

I mean, Apple was one of the worst.

0:19:470:19:50

You register the brand and then you say you're leasing the brand,

0:19:500:19:53

so you supposedly pay the company in Ireland

0:19:530:19:56

which has a lower tax rate.

0:19:560:19:57

Anyway, Apple have moved, they've now moved to Jersey,

0:19:570:20:01

because the Irish tax authorities became less complacent.

0:20:010:20:05

Then again, on Panorama,

0:20:050:20:07

someone very good said Apple isn't actually a hi-tech company.

0:20:070:20:10

It's a very skilled tax-avoidance company

0:20:100:20:13

that has a small arm that produces phones,

0:20:130:20:16

which seems to me entirely right -

0:20:160:20:19

I mean, all these minor individuals, Apple, honestly! Facebook!

0:20:190:20:23

Look at all... They're the gross tax-avoiders.

0:20:230:20:25

-Vodafone.

-Yeah, Vodafone, they employ almost no-one.

0:20:250:20:28

-Google get away with a bit, don't they?

-Absolutely.

0:20:280:20:31

All of those do-no-evil young person's companies,

0:20:310:20:35

you know, they're the worst.

0:20:350:20:37

-Who else has been shown to have offshore links?

-Labour councils.

0:20:370:20:42

-Yes, I saw that.

-The Labour Party.

0:20:420:20:44

A lot of this stuff has been exposed by the Guardian.

0:20:440:20:47

-Exemplary, of course, when it comes to tax, I believe.

-No, not at all.

0:20:470:20:50

They have an offshore deal in their background,

0:20:500:20:53

which some newspapers write about all the time.

0:20:530:20:56

So...

0:20:580:20:59

they're quite vulnerable on a hypocrisy charge.

0:20:590:21:02

Yes, the Guardian unfortunately,

0:21:020:21:05

I think, own the Observer that I write for,

0:21:050:21:07

nevertheless, here we go. They use...

0:21:070:21:10

They use the Cayman Islands to avoid paying tax.

0:21:100:21:13

According to Guido Fawkes...

0:21:130:21:14

Oh, say that's not true.

0:21:220:21:24

Well, I don't know about the second bit,

0:21:240:21:27

but they have got a very embarrassing structure involving

0:21:270:21:31

a deal with a hedge fund company buying one of their media outlets.

0:21:310:21:37

Anyway, you could look it up.

0:21:370:21:39

These are the Paradise Papers,

0:21:390:21:41

highlighting the tax irregularities of the rich and famous.

0:21:410:21:44

Rock star Bono features in the Paradise Papers

0:21:440:21:46

for hiding money in offshore accounts.

0:21:460:21:48

But it's incredibly hard to trace the addresses

0:21:480:21:50

of U2's offshore companies,

0:21:500:21:52

because where they're located,

0:21:520:21:54

the streets have no name.

0:21:540:21:56

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:21:560:21:57

The Paradise Papers detail the private jet arrangements

0:21:570:22:00

of Grand Prix driver Lewis Hamilton,

0:22:000:22:02

who is described as "the richest person in British sport."

0:22:020:22:04

Well, apart from the child who supplies urine

0:22:040:22:06

for sampling tests to the British cycling team.

0:22:060:22:09

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:22:090:22:11

It's not a real child!

0:22:110:22:14

And, so, to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

0:22:140:22:17

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:170:22:19

Oh, yes! Very pleased to see this come up.

0:22:220:22:24

Sheep can recognise human faces.

0:22:240:22:25

They put some faces in front of sheep and they said,

0:22:250:22:27

"Do you know which one's Fiona Bruce?" And the sheep went,

0:22:270:22:30

"Yeah, that one there." And so...

0:22:300:22:32

Neuroscientists train some Welsh mountain sheep...

0:22:320:22:34

There's a gentleman up there that's lit, right in the top,

0:22:340:22:37

I keep expecting him to make a speech. Do you see there?

0:22:370:22:39

-Right in the corner. Hello!

-Yes, it's true. Hello!

0:22:390:22:42

That's how I started, sitting up there.

0:22:450:22:47

He's been catching my eye for the last few minutes.

0:22:500:22:53

So, yes, sheep recognising human faces.

0:22:530:22:56

Yes, sheep have been trained to be rewarded with food

0:22:560:23:01

if they recognise a celebrity.

0:23:010:23:02

Shall we have a look at a sheep spotting Barack Obama?

0:23:020:23:05

-Yes, please, yeah.

-Here we are.

0:23:050:23:07

There we are, Barack Obama.

0:23:090:23:11

How did the scientists try to make it more difficult for the sheep?

0:23:110:23:14

By blindfolding it.

0:23:140:23:15

Sometimes they put two pictures. Shall we have a look at a sheep

0:23:180:23:21

trying to tell the difference between Barack Obama

0:23:210:23:24

-and a non-celebrity?

-OK.

-Let's have a look.

0:23:240:23:26

-SARA:

-Oh, my God!

0:23:290:23:30

Are they trying out a new voting system

0:23:320:23:34

that we should be worried about?

0:23:340:23:36

Well, according to chief sheep expert Dr Jenny Morton...

0:23:360:23:40

They used to be really intelligent, apparently.

0:23:460:23:48

We bred them to be stupider

0:23:480:23:49

because it was easy to keep them domesticated.

0:23:490:23:52

They used to do quizzes?

0:23:520:23:53

Yeah, yeah. They used to write for the Guardian.

0:23:530:23:55

"Gambolling." Those herds of sheep "gambolling" on the meadows,

0:23:550:23:58

it was poker they were playing.

0:23:580:24:00

That's a good joke, work it out later.

0:24:000:24:03

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

0:24:030:24:05

APPLAUSE BUILDS

0:24:050:24:06

They're getting it now. A pun on the word "gambolling."

0:24:060:24:09

-G-A-M-B-O-L.

-Yeah, exactly.

0:24:090:24:11

He just bullied you into that round of applause!

0:24:110:24:14

You're a bunch of sheep!

0:24:140:24:16

They recognise you anyway.

0:24:170:24:19

The team used four famous faces for this experiment...

0:24:210:24:23

..who were chosen because the scientists wanted faces

0:24:270:24:29

that we knew the sheep hadn't seen in person.

0:24:290:24:32

-How many sheep were involved in the experiment?

-85. Six.

0:24:390:24:42

We don't know because as soon as the researcher

0:24:420:24:44

started counting them, he fell asleep.

0:24:440:24:46

Why...?

0:24:470:24:48

-Why did dogs find it difficult to follow the cricket?

-Colour-blind?

0:24:510:24:55

-They are colour-blind!

-Are they?

-They're red, green colour-blind.

0:24:550:24:58

How interesting. I didn't know that.

0:24:580:25:00

Yes, tests in Italy found that dogs cannot make out a red cat

0:25:000:25:04

running across a green background.

0:25:040:25:06

Although why that would ever be happening, I don't know.

0:25:060:25:08

But a blue cat running across a yellow background, they can do that?

0:25:080:25:11

They would be fine.

0:25:110:25:13

That's why no dog's ever won the snooker championship.

0:25:130:25:16

Finally, talking of recognising faces, who is this meant to be?

0:25:160:25:20

The one on the left.

0:25:200:25:21

Oh, it's the baby of the Scottish tennis player...

0:25:210:25:26

Andy? Tim?

0:25:260:25:29

-I mean, a sheep would get it faster!

-Andy Murray?

-Andy Murray's baby.

0:25:290:25:34

Why does he look like SpongeBob SquarePants?

0:25:340:25:37

This butcher composed this lovely tribute to the new baby.

0:25:380:25:41

How is that a tribute?!

0:25:410:25:44

-HENRY:

-It's extraordinary, isn't it?

0:25:440:25:46

Well, if he hadn't liked the baby, what would he have come up with?

0:25:470:25:51

I see your light has now gone out, sir. I do apologise for that.

0:25:510:25:54

-It's a shame.

-It was a brief moment in the spotlight.

0:25:550:25:58

This is the news that sheep can recognise faces.

0:25:590:26:02

On the whole, the sheep stepped forward to receive a reward

0:26:020:26:04

when they recognised a celebrity.

0:26:040:26:06

Though obviously they all ran away when they saw Alan Shearer.

0:26:060:26:09

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:26:090:26:10

What do you want from a night out?!

0:26:100:26:13

A "gambolling" sheep, that's the one they wanted.

0:26:130:26:16

Dogs, meanwhile, are colour-blind,

0:26:160:26:18

unlike the viewers of Strictly.

0:26:180:26:20

That was for you, Aston.

0:26:200:26:21

-The eviction of Aston? A travesty!

-Was it a travesty?

-A travesty!

0:26:240:26:27

Was it the sort of miscarriage that should get one very, very upset?

0:26:270:26:30

-I mean, it's...

-But it is the judges in the end that make the decision.

0:26:300:26:33

-Yeah.

-But they can only choose from the people in the bottom two.

0:26:330:26:36

They shouldn't have been in the bottom two.

0:26:360:26:37

The dance that he did wasn't particularly usefully choreographed.

0:26:370:26:40

Craig Revel Horwood gave it four,

0:26:400:26:42

and he could hardly go back on that and say, "I want to save you,"

0:26:420:26:45

because it's just on that dance, not... I mean, he's a great dancer,

0:26:450:26:48

it seems like the programme has shot itself in the foot by doing this,

0:26:480:26:51

you know, because over the years,

0:26:510:26:53

certainly the male dancers have not been as good as the female dancers.

0:26:530:26:56

Debbie McGee is wonderful

0:26:560:26:58

and Alexandra Burke is probably going to win now.

0:26:580:27:01

So, it's a shame that he's not in it.

0:27:010:27:03

After 25 years on this show, you are a man who is full of surprises.

0:27:070:27:11

Yes. A lot of people have said that

0:27:110:27:13

but they haven't used the word "surprises."

0:27:130:27:16

It's true. Very true.

0:27:200:27:21

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:27:230:27:25

Jeremy Corbyn. He was on Gogglebox, Celebrity Gogglebox,

0:27:280:27:31

-Gogglebox Celebrity.

-And what was he watching?

0:27:310:27:33

I saw a clip of it...

0:27:330:27:35

on the news. It was some cookery show or something?

0:27:350:27:37

Maybe The Great British Bake Off perhaps.

0:27:370:27:39

No, he was watching Nigella.

0:27:390:27:41

-Oh, was he?

-Yeah.

-That's just a bit of gossip.

0:27:410:27:43

Jeremy Corbyn and Jessica Hynes watched University Challenge

0:27:430:27:47

and Nigella's cookery show.

0:27:470:27:48

He got a history question wrong on University Challenge.

0:27:480:27:51

Here he is struggling with it.

0:27:510:27:53

These bonuses are on Roman history, Ulster.

0:27:530:27:55

Against which city-state

0:27:550:27:57

did Rome fight the three Punic Wars

0:27:570:27:59

in the third and second centuries BC?

0:27:590:28:02

Sparta.

0:28:020:28:03

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:28:030:28:05

-Carthage.

-Correct.

0:28:050:28:07

-Oh.

-Oh, third century, I got the wrong century.

0:28:070:28:10

Of course! Carthage, yes, of course.

0:28:100:28:12

Oh, no!

0:28:120:28:13

Sparta, you muppet!

0:28:140:28:16

Sparta!

0:28:160:28:18

Were you not asked to be on Celebrity Gogglebox, Ian?

0:28:180:28:20

No, I was furious.

0:28:200:28:22

I think now that you've made your love of the show publicly known,

0:28:220:28:24

-I think, next year, you're bound to be ignored again.

-I'll say no.

0:28:240:28:28

Is it for charity? They do it for charity?

0:28:280:28:30

-Yeah.

-Oh, I'll definitely say no.

0:28:300:28:33

Jeremy Corbyn also struggled to open a packet of crisps on the show,

0:28:370:28:40

which according to the Express, this led one viewer to tweet...

0:28:400:28:45

What did Jeremy Corbyn describe as ridiculous?

0:28:500:28:52

-SARA:

-Crisps.

0:28:520:28:54

It was something he saw on television during the...

0:28:540:28:57

Sparta!

0:28:570:28:58

It was Nigella's recipe for poaching eggs.

0:28:580:29:01

Shall we watch him angrily explaining how it should be done?

0:29:010:29:04

-Yes.

-You don't do egg whites that way.

0:29:040:29:06

-What's she doing?

-No! You know how to get egg white, don't you?

0:29:060:29:09

-I think we all know how to poach eggs.

-You break the egg,

0:29:090:29:11

and you pour it from one to the other, one to the other,

0:29:110:29:14

put the yolk on one side and you've got the egg white.

0:29:140:29:16

-Masterclass in egg poaching!

-What do you use a strainer for?

0:29:160:29:19

It's ridiculous.

0:29:190:29:20

What I like is a coddled egg.

0:29:200:29:22

She's literally going, "This is who I voted for?"

0:29:230:29:26

What is a coddled egg?

0:29:270:29:29

A coddled egg? Oh, you wrap it up and don't say anything offensive.

0:29:290:29:33

I love the idea he's giving Nigella lessons in cooking.

0:29:370:29:40

The man who didn't know the difference

0:29:400:29:42

between Sparta and Carthage.

0:29:420:29:44

Jeremy Corbyn appeared on an edition of Gogglebox

0:29:450:29:48

watching various programmes, including University Challenge,

0:29:480:29:50

though he didn't do very well on that,

0:29:500:29:52

as he thought the answer to every question was more public spending.

0:29:520:29:55

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:29:570:29:59

-Oh.

-Yes. Oh, no.

-They found...

0:30:030:30:07

They released the files that were on Osama bin Laden's computer.

0:30:070:30:10

-What did he like to watch?

-Pingu.

0:30:100:30:12

-Well, that sort of thing.

-Really?

0:30:140:30:16

-Yes.

-Wasn't it Mr Bean?

-Yes. The CIA found videos of...

0:30:160:30:22

..and episodes of Mr Bean.

0:30:240:30:27

No wonder he hated the West.

0:30:270:30:29

-What did he Google? What had Osama been Googling?

-I don't know.

0:30:300:30:34

-People Google their own name.

-Basically, yes.

0:30:340:30:37

He'd been watching a show called...

0:30:370:30:39

There's nothing better than a quiz

0:30:430:30:45

where you already know the answers, is there?

0:30:450:30:47

It also turned out that Osama, just like us,

0:30:470:30:50

liked to watch cute videos on YouTube. What was his favourite?

0:30:500:30:53

-Otters holding hands?

-Basically, yes.

0:30:530:30:56

Was it a firebombing of a city he didn't approve of?

0:30:560:30:59

-Even cuter.

-Oh, it's of a mass beheading.

-No!

-Oh, surely!

0:30:590:31:03

-Panda sneezing?

-You're much closer.

0:31:030:31:07

He loved the seminal work, Charlie Bit My Finger.

0:31:070:31:11

You know that clip? One of the most viewed clips of all time.

0:31:110:31:14

-Has anyone NOT seen it?

-I haven't seen it.

-I haven't seen it, no.

0:31:140:31:17

All right. Have a look and imagine Osama bin Laden watching this.

0:31:170:31:20

OK, yeah.

0:31:200:31:21

Ah! Ooh!

0:31:230:31:25

Ouch. Ouch!

0:31:250:31:29

Ouch, Charlie! OWWW!

0:31:290:31:33

Charlie, that really hurt!

0:31:330:31:37

Charlie bit me.

0:31:470:31:48

That's one of the most viewed videos of all time?

0:31:520:31:56

Wow.

0:31:560:31:57

-I must get a computer.

-How did Charlie's father react

0:31:570:32:02

-when he heard that Osama bin Laden had loved that?

-Oh, no.

0:32:020:32:06

He said...

0:32:060:32:07

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

0:32:160:32:18

Your four are -

0:32:180:32:19

the family of Henry Blofeld,

0:32:190:32:21

Frank Sinatra,

0:32:210:32:22

Napoleon Bonaparte,

0:32:220:32:24

and a frankfurter.

0:32:240:32:26

Is this the Bond connection?

0:32:260:32:27

Would you like to explain what the Bond connection is?

0:32:270:32:30

Bond connection, yes, my father and Ian Fleming were at school together.

0:32:300:32:34

And he...he cribbed my name for Stavro Blofeld in the Bond books.

0:32:340:32:37

And my only claim to fame in that was once meeting Lois Maxwell.

0:32:370:32:42

-Miss Moneypenny?

-Yes, Miss Moneypenny.

0:32:420:32:44

I was able to say to her,

0:32:440:32:45

"Yes, you might also say we had a common BOND."

0:32:450:32:47

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Yes, I know, she actually laughed.

0:32:470:32:50

It is to do with names. What sort of a character was Blofeld?

0:32:520:32:55

-He was a villain.

-Indeed, he had money in every conceivable...

0:32:550:32:59

in the Cayman Islands and the lot, didn't he?

0:32:590:33:02

-SARA:

-Napoleon was the name of the pig in George Orwell's Animal Farm.

0:33:020:33:05

-Oh, that's good.

-Yes.

0:33:050:33:06

-Yes, he's a villain in Animal Farm.

-So, baddies named after them?

0:33:060:33:10

But then frankfurter...

0:33:100:33:12

-Frank N Furter, isn't he a baddie?

-In The Rocky Horror Show.

0:33:120:33:14

Who's going to be the first to the odd one out?

0:33:140:33:16

Frank Sinatra's the odd one out!

0:33:160:33:18

That is correct.

0:33:180:33:19

-SARA:

-We did a lot of the work for them.

0:33:190:33:21

-Just in time.

-You're welcome, guys.

0:33:210:33:24

Can I just say, it's sickening to see a woman do all the work

0:33:240:33:27

and a man claiming credit.

0:33:270:33:29

They have all inspired the names of fictional villains

0:33:300:33:33

except Frank Sinatra, whose singing

0:33:330:33:35

inspired the name of a fictional hero.

0:33:350:33:38

Scooby-Doo!

0:33:400:33:42

They don't write them like that any more. According to the BBC,

0:33:430:33:46

CBS Children's Commissioner Fred Silverman was inspired

0:33:460:33:49

by those lyrics from Frank Sinatra's song Strangers In The Night.

0:33:490:33:53

Your father, as you say, Mr Blofeld,

0:33:530:33:55

may have inspired Ian Fleming's baddie.

0:33:550:33:57

Shall we have a look at evil Blofeld?

0:33:570:33:59

-Who's the actor?

-That's Donald Pleasance, there.

0:33:590:34:02

Donald Pleasance in You Only Live Twice.

0:34:020:34:03

But why would Donald Pleasance not have been good casting

0:34:030:34:06

as Blofeld in On Her Majesty's Secret Service?

0:34:060:34:09

Somebody else is Blofeld in that.

0:34:090:34:11

Because a key plot point is that Blofeld has no ear lobes.

0:34:110:34:14

-HENRY:

-Oh, right. Yes.

0:34:140:34:15

-SARA:

-What is the plotline?

0:34:150:34:17

Is it earrings?

0:34:170:34:19

He's jealous of some lovely earrings?

0:34:200:34:22

Blofeld's disguised, but Bond realises it must be him

0:34:220:34:25

because he's got no ear lobes.

0:34:250:34:27

You know, ear lobes are interesting.

0:34:270:34:29

Brian Johnston had such long lobes to his ears

0:34:290:34:31

he could stick them in and they stayed there.

0:34:310:34:34

He did this in the commentary box and it was very disconcerting.

0:34:340:34:38

When he was talking to you, he'd stick it...

0:34:380:34:40

and then he'd raise his right eyebrow,

0:34:400:34:42

and it would pop out, like a cork out of a bottle.

0:34:420:34:45

In the 1990s, my ears appeared in a children's textbook at school,

0:34:470:34:52

to illustrate there's two different kinds of ear lobes

0:34:520:34:54

and my one was illustrated and there I was, a picture of me.

0:34:540:34:56

Fame at last.

0:34:560:34:59

They've all inspired the names of fictional villains

0:34:590:35:01

apart from Frank Sinatra, who was the inspiration for the name

0:35:010:35:04

of Scooby-Doo.

0:35:040:35:05

Scooby-Doo was a six-foot dog who travelled America solving

0:35:050:35:07

crimes with his friends, but funnily enough they never worked out

0:35:070:35:10

who was doing the massive craps in the back of the Mystery Machine.

0:35:100:35:14

Which means, at the end of this round,

0:35:140:35:16

it's...Paul and Henry

0:35:160:35:18

with 4, Ian and Sara with 5.

0:35:180:35:20

That's dangerously ahead.

0:35:200:35:23

-Time now...

-I think... Oh, no, sorry, go on.

-No, no...

0:35:290:35:32

I think you probably did get that point, which is fair enough,

0:35:320:35:34

you did get virtually all the answer and I just jumped in

0:35:340:35:37

-at the last minute, which was a bit unfair.

-I wasn't being serious.

0:35:370:35:40

I don't know. I don't know

0:35:400:35:41

if the scores changed when the answer came.

0:35:410:35:44

Whoever's keeping the score has a kind of moral aspect to their job.

0:35:440:35:47

I'm sure they'll pick it up at the end if the scores aren't right,

0:35:480:35:51

-but I don't know if they changed when we got the villain one.

-No.

0:35:510:35:54

We've actually put our score offshore.

0:35:540:35:56

So now we're off the show

0:35:580:36:00

-to reap the benefits.

-It will be worth 10 by the end of the show.

0:36:000:36:04

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:36:040:36:05

which, this week, features as its guest publication

0:36:050:36:08

Milestones & Waymarkers - The Journal of the Milestone Society.

0:36:080:36:12

It's a critical time for the magazine. It's at a crossroads.

0:36:120:36:15

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:36:150:36:17

-Ian and...

-"Gambolling" sheep, you see.

0:36:180:36:20

"Gambolling"?

0:36:200:36:22

They're nostalgic for that now.

0:36:220:36:24

They are, yeah, that was the highlight,

0:36:240:36:26

you didn't know it at the time, did you?

0:36:260:36:28

And we start with...

0:36:280:36:29

-SARA:

-Bathing in the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain.

0:36:320:36:36

Is it just...

0:36:410:36:43

Dick?

0:36:430:36:44

Greasing the stairs at Buckingham Palace.

0:36:490:36:51

Unbelievably, Prince Charles was once spotted

0:36:550:36:57

painting the numbers on a milestone at Sandringham.

0:36:570:37:01

Charles also has a milestone saying, "Buckingham Palace, ten years."

0:37:010:37:04

Given to him by a chuckling Queen 48 years ago.

0:37:040:37:07

Next...

0:37:090:37:10

-Spelling.

-Spelling.

0:37:120:37:14

Getting married may be bad for your Scrabble game.

0:37:140:37:17

This is the opinion of top British Scrabble player Mark Nyman

0:37:170:37:20

who said...

0:37:200:37:21

All the same, he misses his ex.

0:37:270:37:28

Who wouldn't? Eight points.

0:37:280:37:30

Next...

0:37:320:37:34

-SARA:

-Giggle as man describes penis.

0:37:350:37:38

Lie-detecting underpants heat up whenever you tell a porky.

0:37:420:37:45

Next...

0:37:450:37:47

Be a chicken.

0:37:490:37:51

Visit Nando's.

0:37:520:37:54

If you want to smell like chicken

0:37:570:37:59

KFC now do chicken-scented bath bombs.

0:37:590:38:02

-SARA:

-Oh, my gosh.

-Next...

0:38:020:38:03

The Duke of Edinburgh.

0:38:070:38:09

The Queen's honeymoon was immeasurably improved

0:38:140:38:17

by Susan the corgi going too.

0:38:170:38:18

-SARA:

-Aww, Susan.

0:38:180:38:20

Finally...

0:38:200:38:21

-SARA:

-Bulge in lie-detecting underpants!

0:38:240:38:26

Almighty vegetable.

0:38:290:38:32

Is it Eamonn Holmes?

0:38:320:38:33

Prince song.

0:38:360:38:39

# Really big courgette... #

0:38:390:38:40

Is that it?

0:38:420:38:43

Second World War bomb turns out to be really big courgette.

0:38:460:38:49

God, the Germans were desperate towards the end, weren't they?!

0:38:490:38:52

Here's the courgette...

0:38:520:38:54

It was found in a garden in Bretten in Germany.

0:38:540:38:56

-Yes.

-Coincidentally, replacing bombs with courgettes

0:38:560:38:59

is a key plank of Jeremy Corbyn's new defence strategy.

0:38:590:39:02

According to the BBC,

0:39:030:39:05

once police had confirmed it was just a five-kilo vegetable...

0:39:050:39:07

..and sure enough, 24 hours later,

0:39:100:39:12

neighbours heard a massive explosion.

0:39:120:39:14

So, the final scores are...

0:39:160:39:19

Ian and Sara have 5.

0:39:190:39:21

Paul and Henry have 6.

0:39:210:39:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:39:230:39:24

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:39:300:39:33

That's me stuffed!

0:39:330:39:35

It's not just lambs who "gambol"!

0:39:380:39:40

APPLAUSE

0:39:420:39:44

-SARA:

-I've only just got what that was! I've just got it!

0:39:440:39:47

That's the clap I should have got 20 minutes ago!

0:39:470:39:50

I've only just got it.

0:39:500:39:51

Oh, you've only just got the "gambolling" joke? Oh, blimey!

0:39:510:39:55

I was just watching you going, "He lives in another world."

0:39:550:39:58

-Sheep "gambolling" on the hillside.

-I know, I get it. It's very good.

0:39:580:40:02

"You're raising on that?!"

0:40:020:40:03

And they don't even gambol, it's lambs... Anyway, it doesn't matter.

0:40:030:40:06

-I've let it go.

-What are they playing, Victoria?

0:40:060:40:10

-Pontoon, I think.

-Pontoon?

-Yeah.

0:40:100:40:12

-Poker.

-They're playing Texas Hold 'Em.

0:40:120:40:15

Although the flop's been dealt very badly.

0:40:150:40:18

That's what happens when you have squirrels as dealers.

0:40:180:40:21

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists...

0:40:210:40:24

We're not finishing on that note, are we?

0:40:240:40:26

That's just done forever that is.

0:40:260:40:29

I'll give you another note, here you are,

0:40:290:40:31

and then you can say, "On which note."

0:40:310:40:33

On which note, we say thank you...

0:40:350:40:37

PAUL CLINKS GLASS

0:40:390:40:41

Hi-de-hi!

0:40:430:40:44

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

0:40:470:40:50

and Sara Pascoe, Paul Merton and Henry Blofeld.

0:40:500:40:52

And I leave you with news that in London, there's

0:40:520:40:54

evidence the architect of the new Lib Dem headquarters has been

0:40:540:40:57

slightly too pessimistic.

0:40:570:40:59

In St James's Park, after feeling a sharp sting on the back of his neck,

0:41:030:41:06

a government tax inspector mysteriously collapses.

0:41:060:41:09

And, in Soho, David Attenborough's agent phones to congratulate him

0:41:140:41:17

on the success of his new TV show.

0:41:170:41:19

Goodnight.

0:41:220:41:24

Regular captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are joined by guest host Victoria Coren Mitchell and panellists Sara Pascoe and Henry Blofeld.