Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,

checking out the venue before a rally for Scottish independence,

the SNP's head of health and safety arrives with his lunch.

At his country home in Chester, Liam Gallagher hears

there may be some paparazzi lurking in the bushes.

And, in Sidcup,

maverick WI treasurer Betty Wilson

flouts her six-month ban to attend a coffee morning.

On Ian's team tonight is a writer and Daily Mail journalist

whose latest book is called Patronising Bastards,

and I'm sure it's a very, very good book for a journalist.

Please welcome Quentin Letts.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian and broadcaster

who has five children under the age of eight.

He desperately wanted to be here last week,

partly to discuss the Chinese leadership story,

but mainly because it was half term. Please welcome Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Quentin, take a look at this.

-There's the House of Commons.

-Sexminster.

No, THAT'S the House of Commons!

That's Rocket Man, having a feel.

And he's off. The former Defence Secretary.

That was the government.

By the time you watch this it may be someone else completely.

-But Boris is not involved.

-No, that's all consensual.

No, he wasn't on the list,

which you haven't seen - and nor have I.

How do you know he wasn't on the list if you haven't seen it?

Damn you, Merton!

No further questions, m'lud.

You have to feel sorry for Michael Fallon.

When the news broke last night, the female BBC journalist

kept describing him as a safe pair of hands.

Unfortunate phrase, in the circumstances.

Do you know why he's gone?

Cos it can't just be that one story about Julia Hartley-Brewer,

because she said, "I don't care."

He's brave.

Hartley-Brewer - big, strong girl.

-She's not a girl.

-She's got reach, as they say in boxing.

She's a woman, Quentin, she's not a girl.

APPLAUSE Um... She...

Can I just say, I don't feel sorry for Michael Fallon at all.

I keep wanting to call him "Michael Phallus," actually.

There must be more of a reason. Either there's juicer stuff

still to come - which he denies -

or it's a cunning and clever way of forcing everyone else who's ever

touched someone's knee to resign.

What did the knee-ee, Julia Hartley-Brewer, say about it?

She said, "I wasn't offended and I don't think he should resign."

Well, do you know what prompted her to bring it up in the first place?

Um, was it on Twitter?

Well, no, it's a list of Conservative MPs

and their behaviour was leaked. Which is what you said.

And there was a bit of a media feeding frenzy.

So why would a journalist with a scoop want to miss out?

Here's how the Sun reported it.

Surprising that the Sun gives her radio station a big plug.

Until you learn that the Sun owners, News Corp, own Talkradio.

So there we go.

Is it a bit annoying for the Mail, Quentin?

Was Paul Dacre demanding that one of his reporters claim that she'd been

touched up by a Tory?

-I don't think so. I've never been touched up.

-Have you not?

You sound regretful about that.

I-I-I go for older women, more.

LAUGHTER

That Angela Merkel.

-Is she older?

-It's sort of Tinder here, isn't it?

I can't see Quentin swiping left.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The trouble with this list, it says things like,

"inappropriate comment to researcher,"

and then lower in the list it says, "marries researcher."

So, it was obviously quite appropriate in that particular case,

cos it was wanted. It's very odd. It's a very odd spreadsheet.

Where are the Lib Dems, that's what I want to know, in this sex scandal?

Normally they are way in the front, in any sex scandal,

and they've been left trailing.

Well, there's not enough of them any more.

They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders.

A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it?

It would be a push.

APPLAUSE

Has anyone here ever touched a knee?

I'm touching two now.

Not your own, Miles.

He didn't say it was his own.

It's pathetic, this isn't a sex scandal, Ian, is it?

-I mean, there doesn't seem to be any sex at the moment.

-No.

-I mean,

-you know, Berlusconi in bunga bunga land.

-Yes.

-That's a sex scandal.

-Could you not take your hands...?

That's what I was doing!

I think that's mostly the nature of it, yes. It's a grope scandal.

This is Jane Austen.

-No sex in it.

-I...

I missed that book.

Grope and Gropeability.

Now, various prominent female columnists have pleaded for this

not to turn into a witch-hunt. Who are they, do you know?

People like Janice Turner and... Lots of quite sensible people have said,

"Don't conflate everything with a clumsy pass,"

and "Not everyone has to be arrested for even thinking about sex."

I mean, it's a reasonable point, to go for the people who are

actually guilty of something and, you know, punish them.

Is witch-hunt the right term for this, anyway, really? I mean,

if we're talking about predatory sexual behaviour from men,

isn't "bellend-hunt" a bit more appropriate?

APPLAUSE Oh, thank you.

The Times published a redacted version of the list.

A damning indictment of MPs'

behaviour, or, if you prefer,

a fun-packed Missing Words round.

I mean, here's one, for example.

Clothing, presumably.

-Perfume.

-Women's suffrage banners.

-Yes, well...

Lloyd George again.

OK, try the next one.

Own sweets.

That's just sensible.

It's "personal trainer".

-There we go.

-Some of this is not high-level crime, is it?

-No. No, no, no.

-Compared to Putin or Trump.

But if I can I just say,

as the only representative of the female gender here today,

I know it's not high-level,

but it doesn't have to be high-level for women to feel under siege

in somewhere like the House of Commons, and actually, for women,

if you're constantly being harassed, even in a small way, that builds up,

and that wears you down.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, I thought I was on Question Time there for a minute.

As you point out, with four blokes sitting around you,

we're hardly in a position to say, "That's rubbish."

There is a wide range of behaviour on offer. One MP is described as...

-What, can he drive?

-Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe it meant he'd hold your chips

while you throw up out the window, I don't know.

That's what I'm looking for in a man, you know.

What a showbiz life you lead, Jo.

I tell you, Paul, you should come out with me for the night,

-it's marvellous.

-I should, yeah. I should.

What did the list have to say about Amber Rudd?

Oh, she'd had an affair, a post-marital affair,

with another MP, and he wasn't married either.

So what? You know, she's having a love life, good for her.

-Fair enough.

-Yes, but they're very puritan...

-They are.

..this particular bunch of researchers,

and that was put on the list.

"Enjoying life"!

Now, Labour are obviously trying to keep their heads down

while the Tories self-destruct again, but why can't they this time?

-They've had a rather serious rape allegation.

-Very serious.

Which is way above the level of comedy.

And there's also one of their chaps who's accused of being very good

on a discotheque floor.

- Is that a euphemism? - No, that is the actual offence.

-He has rhythm?

-Moves rhythmically to music.

-Well, he's got to go.

-Yeah.

That's absolutely perverted.

Now, what's John McDonald's record with women like?

-He's into lynching.

-That's right.

He's really politically correct about it, though, because in 2014,

when he wanted to encourage someone

to murder Tory Minister Esther McVey,

he was very careful to use non-sexist language when he said...

-So, not too good, then.

-No. Who made a rubbish joke on Radio 4 last week?

Guilty!

Michael Gove, on the Today programme.

That's right, with the help of Neil Kinnock, I do believe,

when they compared John Humphrys to Harvey Weinstein.

Interesting that the audience of metropolitan lefty liberals

who were there to celebrate 60 years of the Today programme,

and John Humphrys, seemed to find it hilarious.

Now, Quentin, didn't you upset Polly Toynbee of the Guardian on the radio

-last week?

-Yes, I did, I did.

She accused me of being Harvey Weinstein, in her column,

-the next day.

-Why did she accuse you of being Harvey Weinstein?

Because I was having a ding-dong with her... An argument.

On the radio...

A consensual argument?

I thought she was being a bit of a miserable old battle-axe, so I said,

"Come on, Polly, I want to pin you down and tickle your tummy,

"sometimes, cheer you up."

You said, "Tickle you under the armpits and make you smile, my dear."

Yeah. Well, why not? She could do with it. Cheering up!

I think the pinning her down bit's not great.

Well, how else do you tickle someone under the armpits?

I suppose you can run up behind them.

Oh...!

Let's just pop back to Michael Fallon for a sec, shall we?

Who's replaced him as Defence Secretary?

Gavin... Gavin.

LAUGHTER

Gavin something.

Gavin Williamson, that's right.

-I mean, he was the Chief Whip.

-Yes.

Which again suggests that given the Whip's job is to control the party

and keep discipline,

he hasn't had a great year, has he?

This is the sex scandal engulfing Westminster.

According to the redacted dossier, a...

Why are these jobs never advertised?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Although it's redacted,

the list including sexual predators features the usual suspects.

Ironic in the week we found out

The Usual Suspects featured a sexual predator.

According to the Daily Mail,

Speaker John Bercow once recommended the chat-up line,

"If you're free later,

"maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts."

Not a great line, but it did get three series on ITV 2.

Did you watch it, Morecambe and Wise?

Much better than Little and Large, if you think about it.

Paul and Miles, take a look at this.

Yes, the appropriately named White House.

-Not sure what they're doing.

-Very discreet policeman.

Crouching for democracy.

This is Paul Manafort,

who's given himself in to the FBI earlier this week,

and, "North Korea's that way, Mr President."

Yes, President Trump apparently is seething,

according to insiders in the White House,

he's glued to this Russian coverage,

it's taking up every minute of his waking day.

That's not very long, is it?

-Well...

-The bit between the telly and the tweeting.

George Papadopoulos is the guy that's admitted lying to the FBI.

If you're found guilty of lying to the FBI,

it's a five-year prison sentence,

but because he's cooperating, that'll be reduced to six months,

so there's a lot of worried people at the moment.

Absolutely. Two key aides of Trump, you mentioned Paul Manafort,

and a business associate, also, Rick Gates,

face charges of money-laundering,

tax evasion and conspiracy to defraud the US government.

And former policy adviser George Papadopoulos was revealed...

Who has the greatest forehead in the history of the world, look at that.

-It's amazing, isn't it?

-It's incredibly shiny and flat.

And orange.

Same colour as the bus behind him that's going to Putney Bridge.

Experts believe this picture was taken in London.

It's basically about the Russians trying to influence the American election.

-And succeeding.

-Yeah.

-It's a success story.

-Yeah.

Why aren't we getting behind it? What's wrong with us?

Manafort's connections with Russian and Ukrainian oligarchs are clear,

but does Trump have any connections to these people?

He owes them millions of dollars.

He's in serious debt to the Russians.

Can you back me up on this, Ian?

Yeah, no. Whatever you say, Miles, I reckon, is true, and worse.

Here's Manafort convincingly explaining to us that, actually,

Trump doesn't have any connections to these people,

during the 2016 election.

So, to be clear, Mr Trump has no financial relationships

-with any Russian oligarchs?

-That's what he said.

That's what I... That's obviously what the... Our position is.

LAUGHTER

I believe him, he's got a trustworthy face.

Now, of course, the news agencies

were very excited by Manafort's arrest,

with nearly all of them focusing heavily on the breaking story.

CNN was right on the money.

Here we are.

And NBC also had its finger on the pulse. Manafort.

Although someone pointed out Fox News found something else to report on.

What is the emoji cheeseburger crisis?

Does anyone know? What's wrong with the burger on the right?

It's got the cheese slice underneath the burger.

Which is... I mean, that is almost as disgusting as dancing.

Would you put the lettuce underneath the burger on the left?

All of these people are absolutely deranged.

It's like it's been thrown together with no thought at all.

-QUENTIN:

-What emotion does it convey, this symbol?

Happiness, for me.

Who other than George Papadopoulos is particularly suffering because of

George Papadopoulos's arrest?

George Papadopoulos.

-Indeed. That's right. But not that one, another one.

-Another one?

This one's a financial planner,

who was deluged with tweets as the story broke. He tweeted...

To which Michael Bolton replied...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Other people to offer support were a Bruce Lee,

a James Taylor and a Jim Morrison, so...

Now, Trump is known as a genius when it comes to business and also...

-By who?

-..and also branding.

-By himself.

-Mr Putin.

Well, he's quite a successful businessman.

No, he isn't. You must never give him that credit.

-All right. He's a shit businessman.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE I said the right thing!

He inherited money from his father,

and the New York Times calculated if he'd put it in a bank

and done nothing for the next 20 years,

he'd be richer than he is now.

He went bankrupt, you know, he went bankrupt running a casino -

first man in history. How do you do that, how do you lose money?

Just sort of moving slightly sideways,

who became an internet sensation this week?

Think Trump travelling somewhere.

-Is this Mrs Trump?

-No, it was a cyclist in Virginia.

-Oh, yes!

Yes, that's right. Yes, the Presidential Motorcade

-was going down the road and she showed her respect.

-Here we go.

Moving in... Yes.

As it slowed, she carried on showing the finger...

-Different direction to the one she was indicating?

-That's right.

Now, there was more suspicion surrounding Trump this week,

he's suspected of masquerading as somebody...

-On Halloween?

-Someone wrote a letter saying all women love Donald Trump.

That's right. He was suspected as masquerading as his own secretary,

a woman called Carolin, in 1992.

Now, a letter has surfaced that Carolin wrote to New York Magazine.

See if you can pick up on the subtle signs

that led people to think Donald might have written it. Here we go.

OK, this is the latest evidence of links between the White House

and Russia. After the FBI arrested

Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos,

a White House spokesman insisted he was just a coffee boy

whose only involvement was ordering caramel macchiato,

leading to a panicked Trump to tweet,

"I never met Caramel Macchiato."

Trump's former campaign chairman Paul Manafort

has been accused of setting up a business in London

to launder millions of dollars.

According to the Telegraph, the company operated from...

A property in Finchley?

My God, how much money have these people got?!

At the White House Halloween celebrations,

there was an awkward moment

between Donald Trump and an inflatable dinosaur.

"I just didn't like the look of its big scary head

"and tiny little hands,"

said the dinosaur.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Yes, this is the Great British Bake Off. That's Prue Leith.

She was in another country and got her time zones wrong

and she tweeted congratulations

to the winner of the Great British Bake Off

some 12 hours before we were meant to find out who it was.

But it didn't affect the ratings. Still people tuned in

and it just shows you, people love cakes.

-And who won?

-Do you not know?

-No.

-No.

-Sophie.

-Are you any the wiser?

-No.

-No.

What was her creation?

What did she make that was the best baked cake ever made?

She made something called an entremet.

-Oh, yes.

-Do you know what that is?

No, it's a ballet move, I know that much.

It's the sort of thing you would see in a patisserie

that's got lots of different flavoured layers of mousse.

A feuillete.

-A feuillete?

-Feuillete, mm.

Feuillete.

-Yeah.

-Do you bake, Quentin?

I do, I do a very good flapjack.

Flapjacks are piss easy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Listen, even I can do a flapjack.

Mine are jolly good.

Prue broke the news thus:

in a tweet at 10:37am, Prue wrote...

What time was it where she was?

I mean, was she up in the middle of the night somewhere?

I'm just worried about her. We all should be, she's gone missing.

Well, the final was many, many months ago.

-Oh, was it?

-Yeah. And so they have to keep it secret for quite a time.

And it finished months ago?

-Yeah.

-Well, what are they doing?

-Just sitting on it?

-Waiting for them to cool.

LAUGHTER

We bakers do that.

Anyway...

She was on holiday, got confused, she told reporters...

Does anyone know what the worst thing Mary Berry ever did

on the show was?

It was about letting information slip that she shouldn't have done.

Oh, she revealed that when she's at home she blacks up.

No.

A sort of "black Berry".

APPLAUSE

Well, she let a name slip. Correcting radio host Chris Evans,

Mary listed three bakers who'd left the tent

when viewers only knew about two.

-Hm.

-Now, winner Sophie used to be in the military.

How did she put her skills to use in the final?

She shot someone.

There was a drone attack on the marquee.

She deployed some extreme multitasking

by whipping, mixing and gelling,

all at the same time, while bellowing...

The MoD has since ordered 50,000 cans of squirty cream

and a new Magimix for immediate deployment.

Finally - and this is a slight parallel shift -

what whoopsie did Amanda Holden make on ITV's This Morning?

-Oh, she was interviewing Tim Peake, the astronaut.

-That's right, yeah.

And she asked him whether he'd brought back any moon rock.

From the moon. And he had to say,

"I'm terribly sorry, I didn't go to the moon.

"And nor did anyone else since 1972."

-Shall we have a little look at it? Cos we've got a clip.

-Absolutely.

I don't know whether you'd be allowed to answer it, really,

cos it might be a naughty thing. When you went to the moon,

did you take a piece of the moon and bring it back home with you?

So, I wasn't on the moon. I was in the Space Station.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Is that how he dresses the whole time?

That's how he got the job.

It is amazing Amanda Holden didn't know

Tim Peake spent time on the Space Station,

as he never stops bloody banging on about it.

Anyway, this is Prue Leith accidentally revealing

the winner of Bake Off. The mistake didn't go down well

with some viewers. On Twitter, one fan blasted...

Of course not, Mary can't work an iPhone.

According to the Times' TV reviewer,

the final challenges were very tough.

Obviously he's better with Pi.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Quite right.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL

-This is Thought For The Day.

-That's right. It is.

And John Humphrys said that he, on Radio 4's Today programme,

that he found Thought For The Day was very boring.

You should try listening to him in the run-up.

I mean, by 7:45 you're desperate for anything but Humphrys.

I'll have anyone. The Chief Sikh.

Chief Rabbi, he's always good.

That nice Anglican woman. Anybody!

-The bishops are a bit wet, though, aren't they?

-Oh...

For you. I rather like them.

Anyway, so, no...

-Not enough arm-lifters for me.

-An arm-lifter?

-Well, yeah, getting the sign, all that.

-That sort of thing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The cross.

Humphrys, he gets very bored during all the bits in

the Today programme, essentially, where somebody else is talking.

Well, that's right. He said Thought For The Day, as you said, was...

And that he resented cutting the show short...

Now, Thought For The Day is not the only thing that John Humphrys

finds boring. What else?

Oh, dinner parties.

-His own company.

-That's right, he finds himself quite dull, saying...

You wouldn't invite yourself to a dinner party.

It's either your own dinner party or somebody else's.

You can't invite yourself.

-He'd spend the whole time saying, "I've gotta get up at 3:00."

-Yeah.

Got a paper round.

Now, who else seemed to be bored by religion this week?

-The Pope.

-That's right.

-What?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It was the Pope.

-Was it?

-Yes. Indeed it was.

He falls asleep during prayers.

That's right. He's actually quoted as saying...

Before using that age-old excuse...

Finally, what important religious anniversary was celebrated

-this week?

-Luther.

-Oh, yes. 500.

-500...?

-The Reformation. Proper news.

-Absolutely.

-500 not out.

Not stuff about cakes.

Have you got a party planned, Ian?

Yeah, Luther Night round my place,

bring a hammer and nails!

That's right, Tuesday marked the 500th anniversary of Martin Luther

nailing his 95 Theses to the door of All Saints' Church in Wittenberg.

For a point each, will you name those Theses?

-No.

-No.

What is the significance of this?

It was the start of the Protestant church.

It was essentially him saying, "These are the following ways

"that the Catholic church needs to reform itself."

Stuff about indulgences, about priests, about corruption.

He was trying to...

-Well, he certainly knocked that on the head, didn't he?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHER

It was a sort of prototype for Brexit.

Getting away from the centralised Roman control.

-OK, the parallel's not exact.

-No, but...

-Or indeed near.

-It was, actually, it was quite near.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the news that John Humphrys thinks that

Thought For The Day is deeply, deeply boring.

Humphrys said that when so many people are not religious

it's inappropriate that Radio 4 should broadcast...

Well, I'm not the captain of a trawler, but I've got to sit through

the stupid Shipping Forecast twice a day.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the odd one out round.

Paul and Miles, your four are

Michelangelo's statue of David,

Dick Van Dyke,

the Queen's Corgis

and a special new Japanese fork.

In Japan someone's created a special fork that means you can now

eat noodles silently. I mean, I've not been there,

-but apparently there was a big slurping issue.

-Yeah.

This statue, they've added a rude noise in an exhibition.

This is somewhere in... Is this the V&A? Is it this week?

-That's correct.

-Which bit does it come out of?

I think, as you walk past it,

in the exhibition,

-it...

-Does what?

-I think it farts.

-I reckon it's a lot of people just blaming the statue.

-Yes.

"Oh, that statue!"

It's, um... It's The Beano.

That's right. Yeah.

It's an exhibition of The Beano or something like that.

Have they all been silent

-except the statue which has been given a noise?

-No.

Any idea what the odd one out is?

Dick Van Dyke's the odd one out because his accent was wrong

-but it wasn't changed.

-No.

-Ah.

-We like Dick Van Dyke, don't we?

-Yes, we do like Dick Van Dyke.

We have very fond memories of him. I certainly do.

I thought that was a Cockney accent cos I'd never heard one before.

Is it not?

He said he was taught by an Irish dialect coach at the time.

And he said, "Lots of the Brits on the film didn't tell me that I was saying a bad accent."

I think he's a little embarrassed about it, but it's charming.

-He blamed Julie Andrews. Said it was all her fault.

-Oh, really?

He was the one talking, so I think he has to take some responsibility.

PHONE RINGS Is someone's phone going off?

Yeah, it's me. It's this list.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Sorry.

-It's no problem.

-You want me to turn it off for you again, Ian?

-Um...

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Thank you.

It's new, you know.

I had one of the ones in the hallway, where you...

Now... Yeah, I'm terrible, actually, I just have to say.

I am really bad at texting

and predictive texting and all that sort of thing.

It's quite dangerous, isn't it, predictive texting?

So I've decided to take control, and my hobby at the moment

is winding up teenagers with abbreviations I've made up myself.

Which actually is really good fun. Try it, it really is.

I texted my friend's son the other day, he's 18, and said,

"I'll see you tonight, Max. CRB."

And he texted me back, "What's CRB mean?"

"Cystitis really bad" And, um...

Try it. It's really good fun.

So...

That's a brilliant game. I'm going to put LTD now.

-"Load the dishwasher."

-Hey!

-Tell us.

-Yes.

-OK, shall I tell you?

-Yeah, tell us.

-All right, then.

It's the fork because they've all been criticised for how they sound,

apart from a new Japanese fork which can drown out

-the unpleasant sound of noodle slurping. There we are.

-Yeah.

You can get one for just 100 quid - bargain!

It picks up the sound of noisy eating, causing a slurp alert.

Let's just have a look, shall we?

SHE SLURPS

APP PLAYS AN ALERT

W-W-Why... Why has this been invented?

It's thought in Japan that the extra air makes the food more flavoursome.

Ah, yes.

But there are concerns that the noise

is making tourists feel uncomfortable.

It's a phenomenon called...

..which is short for...

They've all been criticised for how they sound,

apart from Japanese fork the Noise Boy,

which cancels out slurping noises when people eat.

This year sees the Victoria & Albert Museum

celebrating 80 years of the Beano.

Plans for Michelangelo's David to make a farting noise

were designed to...

I can assure you, no children will be laughing at the farting noise.

They will be far too busy laughing

at David's tiny little cock and balls.

Well, marble is a cold material.

Let's face it.

Ian and Quentin, here are yours.

Ernest Hemingway,

Donald Trump,

Admiral of the Fleet John Arbuthnot Fisher,

and a drunk Australian with a camera.

Something to do with fake news,

because Trump has come out this week and said something about...

Oh, no, the dictionary has come out this week about fake news.

-Yes.

-Is this "fake news" is a word of the year,

"selfie" was a word of the year, John Fisher's...

He invented the term "Buggins' turn".

-He...

-He did.

Is that a sexual practice?

No, you're right on the new words, so...

Hemingway invented "selfie" as a word.

-No.

-No.

-But there is someone who invented "selfie" as a word there.

I used to be wearing a cravat. What happened to it?

It's round the back there.

-Is it?

-It's come undone.

-What's happened?

-My cravat's gone.

I can see the back of it there.

Yeah, I know, but how did it get round there?

I don't know. It's just...

I swear it was unconscious when I put it on.

It's undone itself.

It's only the second time I've ever worn one.

I didn't know they had a mind of their own.

Oh, I can see a bit of it down there as well.

I can see it. It's down in the shirt bit, it's down in the shirt.

Oh, look, there it is, look.

-Hey.

-Look like Lord Lucan coming back from a casino.

Hello!

I'll give you a really massive clue.

-OK.

-But not quite... They've all coined new words, except...

-Yeah, we said that.

-Well, who's the odd one out?

Except Donald Trump. Donald Trump's the odd one out.

Yes, he is.

-Why?

-Because he hasn't coined any new words.

They've all coined new words except Donald Trump, who claimed he...

Had invented a new word.

He invented the word "fake", according to him.

-That's right.

-I mean, this question is rubbish.

-Yes.

I don't write the questions.

He claimed he invented...

-I don't want to be rude, I'm just saying.

-Oh, be rude.

He claimed he invented the word "fake",

despite its first appearance in 1775.

That's when he married his first wife.

-So, let's hear from the man himself.

-Yeah.

The media is...

really the word, I think one of the greatest

of all terms I've come up with is "fake".

I guess other people have used it perhaps over the years,

but I've never noticed it.

Did his barber never mention it to him?

-Or his wife?

-Yes.

So, do you know, how were horses involved in the creation of fakery?

Trojan horse. No.

No, that's a very good guess.

-It is, isn't it?

-No, according to language website Haggard Hawks,

"fake" might have come via the 19th century slang word "to feague",

meaning in the equine business...

Is that the eel or the horse that's more sprightly?

Apparently, they have to put one up Eamonn Holmes every morning

-to make him appear more sprightly.

-Well, he does have to get up early.

Yes, exactly. I'm going to try it.

Do you know him that well?

Well...

The term "selfie" was first used by a drunk Australian.

What did we learn this week about millennials and selfies?

They like them.

-They hate them.

-They do.

-They're indifferent to them.

-They spend...

Over 65s actually spend the same time, but that's per picture.

They can never work out which button takes a photo.

Anyway, what surprisingly modern term

did Admiral of the Fleet John Fisher

coin in a letter to Churchill, back in 1917?

I think I know this.

-OMG.

-It was indeed, well done, Quentin.

Do you know what made Lord Fisher say that?

-MILES:

-Was it an eel?

He was actually making a pun about a new title which he had heard

was to be created, called the Order of St Michael and St George.

He alluded to it in his letter to Churchill like this...

Which I think we can all agree

is roflcopter megalolz.

Um...

Churchill was less amused when Fisher described his wife as a milf.

Ernest Hemingway, who coined the term shit-faced,

was famous for his bad language and obscenity,

which explains the original title of his book,

The Old Man And The C Word.

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

And we start with...

Conservative minister.

APPLAUSE

Apparently, it's...

Take it from me, everyone on these dating websites is lying,

or my name's not Astrid Svensson, 22, Swedish gymnast.

Next...

Auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing.

Was a Nazi.

Taught a weekly Zumba class.

Yes!

As seen here.

I don't know which one he is.

Next...

Is it Michael Gove?

-MILES:

-Is it the tide?

Yes, got to be.

Some very late Germans.

Residents in Wales were mystified by dozens of octopuses

appearing on a Newquay beach.

This would be a perfect story for Fingerprint Whorld -

they've got eight arms and they provide their own ink.

Yeah.

Next...

You can't get to the end of it without falling asleep, can you?

It's quite a long sentence, isn't it?

-Shall I put you out of your misery?

-Yeah, put us out of our misery.

It's such a long... Yeah.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It's bad enough having your prints taken,

but it's even worse trying to get the ink off afterwards.

Finally...

Becomes Defence Secretary.

APPLAUSE

-Urgently sought.

-Yeah.

That's a kick in the teeth for David Attenborough, isn't it?

After all that work he puts in.

So, the final scores are Ian and Quentin have five,

but Paul and Miles are the winners, with six.

Unbelievable.

Well done, sir.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

-MILES:

-I still can't find Keith, but I've left him another note.

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that, in the basement of Labour Party HQ,

the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg

recovers from the knockout drops to be met with a worrying sight.

The morning after the Great British Bake Off Final party,

Prue Leith recovers at the hairdresser's.

And after a frantic week of searching,

the Gove family at last find their pet hedgehog.

Goodnight.