Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Rhod Gilbert.

In the news this week,

in Pyongyang, celebrating another successful missile launch,

the nuclear weapons team get to see a different side to Kim Jong-un.

PlayStation brings out a brand-new virtual reality game that lets

players enjoy all the excitement of tweaking a hipster's beard.

And, in an attempt to reduce energy bills,

Rhondda Council unveils their new aluminium recycling centre.

On Ian's team tonight is an award-winning playwright

who says one of the best things about her job is getting up

at whatever time she wants,

so it was either writing, or being a train driver for Southern Rail.

Please welcome Lucy Prebble. APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is the writer and director of a new film about

Stalin - a tyrannical megalomaniac with a cruel sense of humour...

..Armando also made The Thick Of It. Please welcome Armando Iannucci.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week -

Ian and Lucy, take a look at this.

European dinner, they're eating their own hands.

-Water.

-Oh, that's a subtle metaphor.

-Oh!

-Oh, a leak, yes.

-Oh, look...

-Man going upstairs, is that a metaphor?

-No, he's just drunk.

-There was a dinner, wasn't there?

-There was a dinner.

I do find it strange that we get this kind of autopsy of the dinner.

It's a bit like, you know,

when your flatmate comes back after a Tinder date and tells you,

you know, "Well, he was a bit arrogant,

"he was a bit cold." And you know that he's gone back

to his group of friends and said, "Well,

"she was begging for it, she was like this,

"she was like that" - the stories are different, and then in the end,

they're just going to find a way to split up, which is

basically what's going to happen with these guys.

Yes, that image of a Tinder date between Theresa

and Jean-Claude has really stayed with me.

This is the leaked report from Theresa May's dinner

with Jean-Claude Juncker.

The dinner itself was very amicable, but was followed by

an interminable argument over how to split the bill.

What was the substance of the leak?

Theresa May was desperate

and was begging the EU just to give her a chance.

It's said that May had...

Saying that...

Juncker's chief aide is called Martin Selmayr and he's got form.

There have been other occasions where there's only been three people

in the room and the contents of the discussion have

suddenly appeared in the German paper and everyone goes,

"Oh, no. Not Martin! He doesn't do that sort of thing."

-Oh, but does he?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

He's a very, very hard line Europhile

and he's known as "The Monster."

Er, because people find him very difficult to deal with.

He's got a number of different nicknames.

Let's have a look at a picture of him

and then I'll ask you to guess some of his other nicknames.

The man who cuts his own hair.

LAUGHTER

-Rasputin, he's named as.

-Rasputin?!

-ARMANDO:

-Rasputin had longer hair.

I think you're focusing too much

-on just the hair, to be honest. LUCY:

-Yeah.

Is he Russia's greatest love machine?

That's a Boney M reference.

That's completely fine, that's allowed.

-Based on historical research.

-Yeah!

No, no - I'm not saying Boney M hadn't done their stuff.

I mean, compared to some of the lightweight Russian research

that some people do.

LAUGHTER

Stalin is another of his nicknames.

-ARMANDO:

-Then I've made a dreadful mistake.

Darth Vader, he's also known as Darth Vader!

-Just anyone evil.

-Do you know what the Daily Mail calls him?

Editor in chief?

-It's leaky bully-boy.

-I think I was right first time.

What was the other sign that it might be Selmayr

who was the culprit...

..of these unexplained leaks?

Did he say, "I have leaked this"?

-Not far from the answer.

-In German?

-Not far from it.

-"Ich leaken michen."

As they left the Brussels dinner, Juncker turned to him and said...

Right, yeah.

What did photographers capture Theresa May doing

-at the EU summit?

-Begging.

-She was on her own.

-Oh, yes, she was....

She sat at a table, with just some plants.

Otherwise known as "The Cabinet."

She was apologising to them, for running through wheat.

How did May provide clarity on whether a no-deal Brexit is likely?

After the summit, she said...something.

She said, "It's not unlikely.

"And is more than likely to be likely."

-No?

-I mean, totally the wrong words but pretty close to the...

She said...

HE READS QUICKLY

APPLAUSE

That's the first time that speech has got a round of applause.

There was another leak at a high-level meeting of European

-politicians this week, what was that?

-Not this toxic gas leak?

-No, a much less serious leak, arguably.

-The vegetable leek?

Slightly more serious than a vegetable leek.

It involves Macron's dog.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh!

The President of France urinated into a fireplace

and then blamed it on his dog.

Would that that were true.

While attending a meeting at the Elysee Palace with Macron

and members of his government, Nemo relieved himself in the fireplace.

Keep an eye on the young chien.

MAN SPEAKS FRENCH

I think that's all right in high-level meetings now,

cos I think Trump does that. I think... I've seen it. Definitely.

-I don't think he's polite enough to go over to the fireplace.

-No!

I do know something weird about Macron's dog's name.

Nemo... In France, legally, all dogs

have to be named alphabetically according to year.

So, all the dogs born in the year that Nemo was born,

have to be named beginning with the letter N.

-This is true, I'm not, you know, drunk.

-No!

It's absolutely true. When I saw that first footage of

Merkel, May and Macron,

I did think, maybe we're doing that with world leaders now.

Yeah, but what happens with really old animals that...?

I don't know, I'm not a French vet!

What if the dog refuses to give his real name?

We learned this week that EU ministers have a nickname

for Boris Johnson's deputy, Sir Alan Duncan.

Can anybody tell me what that nickname might be?

Is it "oily"?

He used to represent a lot of oil companies.

I just throw that in, just to remind people.

If they want to look it up,

it is quite interesting, Sir Alan's previous career.

In that case, then, is it "actual human turd"?

Er, it's to do with Boris causing such a mess wherever he goes.

Is it "wet wipe" or something like that?

The "human wet wipe"?

The Europeans call him...

Boris gave a speech this week - oh, happy days -

where he urged the EU to speed up with Brexit.

What was noteworthy about this particular speech?

He made a number of Shakespearean references in it.

He was just sort of riffing on the subject of why Brexit needed

to happen quickly.

So it was Hamlet, you know, he couldn't decide how to act

and it was Macbeth, you know,

waiting to stab someone - you've got Gove there, for God's sake!

Just get on with it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They applaud?!

Can I just say, that was a metaphorical stabbing?

-Can we have a look at Boris Johnson riffing on Shakespeare?

-Yes.

I suggest humbly to our friends and partners in Brussels,

now is the time to get on with it.

You know, let's not... I dare not wait upon I would or, you know,

let the native hue of resolution be sicklied o'er

with a pale cast of thought...

-or whatever.

-LAUGHTER

..In the affairs of men... They should...grip it.

Go on, get on with it and, er...

and start thinking about the future.

That's not a speech, that's a malfunctioning android,

that's what that is.

That's words strung together in whichever form they come to him.

I love the idea of "or whatever."

Shakespeare's best-known lines all ended, "yeah, or whatever."

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...or whatever."

Do you think he is just riffing or are they very...?

He gives this impression that he's sort of riffing these quotes

-from his...

-I should think he knows those, I mean,

again, people say, "Oh, he's got an incredibly well-stocked mind,"

but, you know, most people have got a few quotes they can pull out.

-And he does.

-But also, it's not really...

It's not really saying anything, though, is it?

It's just babbling incoherently other people's words.

And I have this theory that maybe,

maybe Theresa May is deliberately not assuming any sort of opinion

or position because she knows that's what got Cameron into trouble.

Boris Johnson immediately had the opposite opinion

because basically Boris Johnson's entire personality is

built backwards from being Prime Minister,

so the idea that he disagreed with David Cameron

is what defined him.

And now Theresa May is just avoiding believing anything,

so that Boris Johnson can't disagree with her and become Prime Minister.

So they're in a sort of opinion standoff for ever.

And they'll just talk nonsense until we all die.

Well, bring it on, I say.

-That's not a very good end to the play.

-Yeah.

Sorry, it's not dramatic.

I love the way he always has that smile on his face,

which is sort of saying, "I know that this sounds terrible.

"And I'm still Foreign Secretary."

Is he going to be Prime Minister?

What do you think?

-Er, no.

-OK.

-I think yes.

-Oh!

Let's fight!

It's like a 5 Live phone-in!

The Sun had some Brexit-themed Shakespeare plays.

What headlines did The Sun conjure up?

Two Gentlemen Are Sent Back To Verona, Hurrah!

They did have...

ALL GROAN

And I quite like this one...

Pole being a pun on love?

Yeah.

Who did the government distance themselves from this week?

-Was it Mr Heaton-Harris?

-Oh, yes.

-LUCY:

-Is this the man who sent the letter?

Yes. He wanted the names of all lecturers at the universities

who'd been teaching on European Affairs

and information as to whether they were talking about Brexit

-or pro-remain policies.

-LUCY:

-Ohh...

Then he was accused afterwards of that being a bit sinister

and he said, "That's not sinister, sending letters asking for the names

"of people who teach this particular subject."

Why would anybody think that was McCarthyite?

You see, it's bloody liberals, you know, they are snowflakes.

You just say, "Give us your name, I'll put it on a list

"and I'm in the government," and they go, "Ooohhh!"

-How do they go, again?

-Just like that. "Ooohhh!"

Well, it's Halloween.

It's like a 1920s chorus girl.

-Exactly.

-Hasn't he said he wants to write a book?

And that's actually what it was about - research for a book -

which I really hope isn't true and that it's a lie and a cover-up,

because then now he has to write a book about Brexit

which would be an amazing punishment for basically lying about it.

We should all pre-order it off Amazon now, so he has to do it.

Interestingly, he didn't come up with that excuse,

-he's been very quiet on the whole thing, I think.

-OK.

-That was Jo Johnson, wasn't it?

-That was Jo Johnson.

-His boss.

So he's MAKING him write a book!

The book is called The University Lecturer Murders.

It's a mystery.

How did universities respond?

I just told you, "Whooohhh!"

-Not all of them.

-They were all pretty snowflake libtard, I thought.

Paul Kleiman took a slightly more humorous approach than some others,

tweeting, "Dear Chris Heaton-Harris,

"following your letter to my VC,

"here are the details of my Theatre History lectures."

Which included...

Week two...

And week six...

-APPLAUSE

-Brilliant.

This is Brexit and the row over leaks after a dinner.

In the Commons, Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's

repetitive updates on EU talks by comparing them to...

He was going to go with,

"the cyclical nature of Marxist historical dialectic"

until one of his advisers said,

"Jeremy, for the love of Christ, just say Groundhog Day."

One Tory MP came under fire for asking universities

for the names and details of lecturers teaching Brexit.

One critic accused him of McCarthyism

while another said it was "idiotic Leninism."

Lenin and McCarthyism, eh?

Just let it be, I say. APPLAUSE

Paul and Armando, take a look at this.

Ah, yes - this is the election last summer in Sheffield.

That's Girls Aloud, I believe.

-Oh! It's a young Paul Merton.

-Yes, that's me.

Yes, it's the MP O'Mara.

He's got into trouble through something that he said on Twitter

or whatever it was 15 years ago, which was pretty horrendous.

And he said he's been on a journey since then.

Unfortunately, it was a return ticket, cos he's done it again.

Apparently he'd said something rather nasty to

a woman in a Sheffield nightclub a couple of months ago or something,

so, yes, it's...

..misogynistic, homophobic remarks.

Um, that's the end of the show!

That's not the rest of your script, is it?

-This is the Labour MP Jared O'Mara.

-Jared O'Mara.

It was given a twist by the fact that he was on

the Commons Equalities Committee,

so he was meant to be rooting out misogyny, homophobia, sexism and...

Well, he did - he resigned!

He rooted it out - in himself!

He resigned when he was caught, let's be fair!

Was he saying all these things towards writing

a book about himself? I think that's what it is that he's doing.

-How has all this surfaced?

-It's all on social media, isn't it?

It's there forever, so somebody did some digging, presumably,

-and found this stuff.

-Do you know who?

Political website Guido Fawkes, that's who did it.

They managed to access them from chatrooms

and websites dating back to 2002.

But there's a lot of people in the Labour Party going, "Oh, well,

"he was very young, it was a long time ago, can't we not have this?

"Cos, you know, he's not a Tory.

"You see, if he'd said that and he was a Tory, we'd kill him.

"But he was young, he was 22."

It's absolutely no excuse.

Especially since the latest one was, what, three weeks ago,

-or three months ago?

-Yes.

-But people were different then.

It was a different time, sort of...

The sun was shining...

It was alleged that only recently, O'Mara had called a woman...

-He denies that.

-If you can't be held accountable

for something that happened, like, 14 years ago,

then there's, like, hairstyles and boyfriends I had

that I can have expunged from the record, which I'm thrilled about!

Expunge them all!

"Will all boyfriends make their way to sector five..."

Old hairstyles to the left...

-Have you ever had a hairstyle you regretted, Ian?

-Um...

This from a man wearing a cravat!

Roger Moore in The Persuaders!

-Oh, right - that makes me Tony Curtis!

-Absolutely!

-Excellent!

Why is this especially...?

Why is this especially difficult for Labour?

I mean, lots of people in the party

say Labour have a problem with women.

Ah, yes.

-ARMANDO:

-Or abusive language.

Cos I was asked, do I ever get abuse on Twitter?

And I said, "The only time I get abuse on Twitter

"is if I make a joke about John McDonnell."

And after I said that, I then got abuse

for implying that I would get abuse for...

LAUGHTER

So just locked in this cycle of abuse, really, on Twitter.

But, yes, no, they have a problem with, erm...

And there's a bunch of Labour women MPs

who say, "Every time we say anything about anything,

"we just get this deluge of sort of

"online drivel from rabid Corbynistas."

-But it's difficult, isn't it?

-I'm not online,

so you can say what you like, I'm not going to read it.

-Oh, there's lots of stuff, Ian.

-Is there? Oh, good.

Well, I'd be annoyed if there wasn't!

It is weird, though, isn't it, because there's a fine line

between sort of terrible misogynistic language

and just being a real dick, and it seems like some of his comments

are being a real dick, you know?

He's saying stuff about Jamie Cullum

which, you know...is music criticism,

probably, more than it's misogyny or homophobia...

-Are you sure about that?

-Well, I'm not, actually,

-I don't know quite what he said.

-He said poofters...

-Oh, did he?

..and he said Cullum should be sodomised with his own piano.

Ah, right, OK.

So he doesn't like jazz much, then, does he?

What did he say about pop band Girls Aloud? Do you remember?

-Oh, yes - I do!

-Go on.

-Of course not...

He invited them to...

How many is an orgy, Ian?

LAUGHTER

Sorry, ANYONE? I'll open that out the panel!

Well, two!

And a mirror.

Who sprang to O'Mara's defence?

Oh, everyone.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Well, HE certainly did. He said...

Well, at last someone's spoken the truth!

Although the signs of his enlightened forward-thinking

were there back in 2006. This is from his band's website.

So, any woman that goes on a date with him

is doing it for charitable reasons.

Shadow Minister Angela Rayner also defended him, saying...

What's wrong with that statement from...?

-He never made a maiden speech.

-He didn't, no!

And he hasn't been in Parliament much.

Why is he not keen on holding constituency surgeries on Fridays?

-ARMANDO:

-Oh, he goes out on Friday.

-No, Thursday's his night out and he's hungover on a Friday.

-Yeah!

That's right.

It's lad culture, we all do it.

You get swept up in it, don't you? You just get swept up in it.

I live within five miles of Wembley Stadium, it's a nightmare.

I get swept up in football culture.

He clearly likes a good time. Here's a tweet from one of his neighbours.

What TV show is Jeremy Corbyn to appear on?

-Gogglebox.

-Yes.

I hope he's on with Giles and Mary.

-Oh, you really watch it, Ian? Giles and Mary?

-I love Gogglebox.

Who's your favourite on Gogglebox?

Well, I like all of them, just cos it's so upbeat.

I always come away at the end of the programme thinking,

"Those are really nice people",

unlike some other shows, you think, "Oh, God."

That goes on at the same time as this one, so you watch THAT, do you?

Which is a really nice show, full of nice people.

That's a slap in the teeth, isn't it?

What, you watch yourself, do you?

I'm always intrigued when I make the edit.

This is Labour MP Jared O'Mara, who has been suspended

for a number of ill-advised comments made on social media.

To be fair, everyone's done a few things

when they were younger that they now regret.

Even Jacob Rees-Mogg sent some pretty racy telegrams.

In his comments, Jared O'Mara

has been homophobic, xenophobic and sexist.

And worst of all, in the eyes of the Labour Party,

he doesn't have a bad word to say about Jews.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooohh!

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, it's been announced that Jeremy Corbyn is

to appear on a special edition of Gogglebox.

I'm not saying Jeremy is out of touch with popular culture,

but when he was told he was appearing on a sofa with Leon,

he assumed it was Trotsky.

Oh, he's on with Leon!

And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Oh.

-Armando and Paul.

-Take That have reformed.

Oh, no! And they're appearing with their tribute band.

It's Xi, which is slightly ironic when you look at that picture

and the report says, "Xi is going to do this, Xi's going to do that" -

oh, no - there's no women there!

It's solid blokes.

That's an odd way to phrase it.

Wall-to-wall fella!

-Look at it!

-LUCY:

-Lad culture.

-ARMANDO:

-They look like they're going to be launched, don't they?

Or like skittles - a huge ball is going to come and knock them over.

It's President Xi,

his thought has been, er...

encapsulated within the Chinese constitution.

The only other person who's

had his thought as part of the constitution is Chairman Mao.

-So...

-How does that work, exactly?

-Do you know what that means?

-I think he just goes, "Mmmmm."

-And it becomes law?

-And people look at it, and go...

"Mmmmm."

His thought is mainly that he should be in charge.

-That's his main thought, yes.

-And other people should not be.

-Yes.

-And anyone who doesn't agree with him should shut up.

-Yes.

Or be shut up for a very, very long time.

Er, what does Donald Trump think of Xi Jinping?

He congratulated him on his elevation,

kind of revealing that he thinks he was somehow elected

and kind of won that spot through an open ballot.

Whereas, in fact, it was sheer dictatorship.

It's a fabulous quote from Trump.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-LUCY:

-When he says "some people,"

he means him, before someone just told him.

How has the West come to this?

We're sitting here discussing Brexit and Trump and China...

When we could be watching Gogglebox!

A totally innocent occupation!

The five surviving ex-presidents of the USA all appeared

at a fundraiser for the One America Appeal

for hurricane relief. What led George W Bush

and Barack Obama to snigger behind Bill Clinton's back?

Oh, I don't know. Do we know what it was, what the joke was?

Journalist Simon Ricketts thinks Obama is laughing

because Bush is pretending his arms are Bill Clinton's arms.

It's...

LAUGHTER

It is a fantastic spot, that we are going to watch at least twice.

LAUGHTER

..calamitous disaster.

But can be...

LAUGHTER

That's amazing, isn't it? LAUGHTER

Isn't that amazing?

-Who'd like to see that again? ALL:

-Yeah!

Let's have a look at that again.

..calamitous disaster.

But can be...

LAUGHTER

Donald Trump was in trouble this week after his phone call

to the widow of a US soldier killed in Niger.

She accused Trump of...

His aides were just relieved

he'd managed to pronounce "Niger" correctly.

Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.

He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining

he'd simply mixed up the two real countries of Gambia and Narnia.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BELL

-I believe it's called a burger.

Well done, Ian. Think I'll give you a point just for that.

-LUCY:

-Is it...

It's nothing to do with magic, or it's levitating or something?

I mean, yes...

It is the news that scientists at the University of Sussex have

found a way of making food levitate.

Why?

Isn't "how?" the first question, rather than "why"?

Er... OK, how?

-How? I think you're going to have to tell us.

-Is it magnets?

-Do they do magnets?

-Are we on how, or why?

I've read several articles. I think they're still working on the "whys".

-What's the catch with levitating food?

-It doesn't work.

It DOES work.

How?!

Why?!

The catch is, according to the Sun, you can only eat your meal in...

Let's have a look at the machine preloaded with a feast.

It works by ultrasonic waves

blasted from above and below

to create what they're calling a...

You can actually make some quite complex dishes.

Here's one for Ian. I know how you like cheese and wine.

Have you been reading my 15-year-old blog?

Is that what you were doing when you were 15? Cheese and wine evenings?

It was wild, I tell you.

-It was lad culture, wasn't it?

-Lad culture plus!

He was swept up in the whole teenage cheese and wine...

Get the boys round, watch a bit of bridge on the telly...

..look up The Book Of Common Prayer.

If only he was exaggerating.

Let's have a look at the cheese and wine hovering.

That looks like a moon circulating round Saturn.

-Do you want to see a levitating burger?

-Yeah.

Here it goes.

It has been a bad news week, if this has made the show.

How does the food get in your mouth?

Oh, who cares?

-ARMANDO:

-It doesn't.

I've invented something called the hand.

You break up a pair of false teeth and chuck them in

and they chew it up, like that.

The scientists are working on using sound waves to float the food

gracefully onto your outstretched tongue.

This is what the Universities Minister should be writing

letters about! "Dear University of Sussex, what are you doing?!

"Give us the money back!"

In other food news, yes, there's other food news.

That wasn't food news.

That was bonkers time!

That was the main food news, this is just a supplementary food question.

-I got it.

-This one's smaller than that one.

-Really?

This is other food news.

Why was Sharon Bijin disappointed with the cake

she ordered for her husband's birthday?

It misspelt his name?

-No.

-It was the size of a pea?

-No?

-No.

Here's the cake, see if you can guess what it's supposed to be.

This cake cost £50.

ALL GASP

That is the cake that Sharon Bijin...

Is it a tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Guesses from the internet have included a foetus,

male genitalia and the alien that came out of John Hurt's stomach.

I'll give you a clue - Sharon's husband is a body-builder.

Oh, it's a muscle. I see, it's a bicep thing going on.

-Yeah.

-It's meant to be his bicep.

Here's the cake that the baker was trying to copy.

LAUGHTER

When she picked the cake up, the baker said,

"Don't open it, cos it's raining."

Presumably, pushed her out the door, flicked the closed sign...

"Closed!"

This is science's bold leap towards levitating our meals.

I can't see the idea of floating food ever catching on.

It's pie-in-the-sky stuff.

GROANS

We built up to that joke, you realise that, don't you?

That's the reason they put that question in!

What time is Gogglebox on?

-It's about now.

-Is it?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-This is the only passenger on a flight.

-It was the last flight

of an airline to Crete.

This is Karon Grieve, who had the time of her life

when she booked a flight to Crete and ended up with the whole plane

to herself. What perks did Karon enjoy on her private jet?

They let her fly it for a while.

She got a safety demonstration all to herself.

"Your exits are here, here..."

Do you think she listened to that safety briefing?

-If it's just you...

-There's quite a lot of pressure on you!

Yeah, you've got to read it!

-Can't look at your phone, really.

-Yeah.

Well, the pilot...

Wow.

Which crazy airline was this?!

Well, not Ryanair, that would have cost you an extra 200 quid, that!

What extreme behaviour was Karon allowed to engage in

-on the flight?

-She was drunk all the way through.

-Did they let her into the flight deck?

-Not that exciting.

-No.

The flight attendants very kindly told Karon she...

I mean, it's sort of nice the pilot talking to her directly.

but if the flight hadn't gone very well that would be terrifying,

wouldn't it? If they were like, "Karon, we've got a problem...

"There's a bit of turbulence. Sorry."

-You'd feel terrified.

-"Is there a doctor onboard?"

LAUGHTER

Who else went flying this week?

The men in the balloons. In South Africa.

Oh, was there a man with some balloons?

I was going to see the woman who fell over on the stage.

Er, which one are you going to go for?

-I'll go with his balloons...

-Should have gone with your own.

-Ah!

You lose the sofa and the holiday too.

I've had a lovely day, Armando.

Why don't you have a little run around the studio?

Er, The Only Way Is Essex's Gemma Collins, who had a slight

mishap while presenting a prize at Radio 1's Teen Awards.

Do you want to have a little look?

No, I've seen it.

The winner of the Radio 1 Teen Award for best TV show is...

..Love Island!

-Perfect. Perfect, classic.

-The balloons was a bit nicer than that.

You'd just want the ground to swallow you up, wouldn't you,

after something like that?

She's going to sue, so I read.

I thought she was sort of joking about that.

She said, "Where's blame, there's a claim."

But she seemed to have a twinkle in her eye, at the time.

I think that was a splinter.

Finally, what looked like it was going to be a terrible mishap,

this week, but it ended up being a bit of a "hap"?

-Is that a word?

-Yes.

A semifinal shoot out between the Bangkok Sports Club

and Satri Angthong in Thailand,

the scores are poised at 19-19.

And the goalkeeper mistakenly thought it was all over.

WHISTLE

CHEERING

I feel swept up in football!

This is Karon Grieve, who flew to Crete with Jet2

and got 189 seats to herself.

Here's a picture of Karon mid-flight.

She's smiling, but she did specifically request an aisle seat.

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

Have I Got Moos For You.

It's UDDERLY fascinating. Let's not milk it, let's not milk it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE A round of applause. Really?!

Really?

You disappoint me.

And we start with...

Get out of bed, walk across the hills and milk a herd!

-ARMANDO:

-Is it - kill a cow and roast it?

Even on crappy days, it's still rewarding to see

your magnificent herd of cattle transgressing across

-the hillsides.

-Transgressing?!

-Yes.

-What were they up to?

-Well, that's what the story is about.

What line did they cross, in your mind?

It's like sheep rustling, you know.

-Sheep don't rustle.

-They do if you tie their legs together.

I knew all those years of reading the Beano would pay off one day.

Even on crappy days, it's still rewarding...

Yeah, it's what I said!

Next, what is an insult to cockneys?

Dick Van Dyke's accent.

It's a new themed restaurant that's opened up in London in the East End.

-It is.

-They're charging lots of money

-to eat traditional cockney fare.

-It is.

East End-themed dining experience is an insult to cockneys,

is the right answer.

I had "Piss off, Cockneys."

Thank you, Guvnor!

I had Jeremy Hunt, so lucky we didn't get to that.

This is a Cockney-themed dinner party featuring tracksuited

and tattooed characters drinking, smoking and being aggressive.

If you really want to be entertained by these appalling stereotypes

at the £55-a-head meal, I'd just say,

"Leave it, it's not worf it."

-What...?

-Next...

Yeah, go on, then - I'll let it go.

-That was all right, wasn't it?

-Yeah, not too bad.

-Aw'wight?

Can I hear your Welsh?

-IN WELSH ACCENT:

-Well, it's only a little bit, you know, but...

There's certain names,

if you think of certain composers like Johann Sebastian Bach.

-You're Welsh, aren't you, Ian? Born in Mumbles.

-I was.

But it was a very long time ago.

And I was writing a book about Wales.

Next,

if you give a cow what, she will pay you back in milk.

-LUCY:

-A hug and a bucket?

25 quid.

-ARMANDO:

-A milk token.

-LUCY:

-A credit card...

Love and affection.

-Respect.

-Respect! It's got to be!

Er... Now, where are we?!

Oh, next, Richard Madeley...

-Did we get the answer?

-Oh, sorry!

If you give a cow Richard Madeley?!

She'll pay you back in milk?!

-LUCY:

-I never would have got that!

That's what it says!

I hope this isn't some terribly misogynistic reference

to Judy that we've got here.

LAUGHTER

That's appalling.

Absolutely appalling.

I can't work out who's going to get the blame for that - you or me?

Well, I was trying to make it out that somebody else had said it...

Unsuccessfully, I should imagine.

If you give a cow her six basic needs,

she will pay you back in milk.

-Richard Madeley...

-He's come up again!

I think he guest edited this edition of Cowsmopolitan!

-Richard Madeley what...?

-Has a cow.

Is sober.

LAUGHTER

-That's not libellous.

-LUCY:

-Is it "has to be mentioned"?

-Yes!

-Which is why we've had to mention him so much tonight.

-Exactly.

-Just legally.

-He was doing Breakfast this week.

-I don't watch much telly, but he was, um...

-Was he good?

-Yeah, no, he was very, very good.

-I've always liked him.

What's happened to you, Ian? Gogglebox, now breakfast television?

-It's another book.

-Have you lost your job?

There's a lot of competition for paper rounds these days, you know.

The answer is Richard Madeley goes commando in every telly show.

GROANS

Yeah, I'm not sure if that's the response he'd have hoped for, but...

Richard Madeley revealed he wasn't wearing underpants

on Good Morning Britain and up until that moment, it had been.

And finally, pork chop looks uncannily like what?

Richard Madeley?

Looks uncannily like a pig, with a bit missing.

Darth Vader is the answer.

This better be uncanny.

Pork chop looks uncannily like Darth Vader, well, check it out -

see how uncanny it is.

So, the final scores are...

Ian and Lucy have five,

-but Paul and Armando have five.

-Hooray!

Well done.

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Paul and Armando have this.

Now all we need is some cheese and we can go to Ian Hislop's party.

Ian and Lucy get that.

Virtual reality headsets forget to put in any virtual or reality?

Mr Weinstein's office staff.

-ALL:

-Ohh!

PANEL LAUGH

Yep, that's the one to finish the show on.

And I leave you with news that there are fears that a split in the Tory

party could end in violence, as evidence emerges that

Boris Johnson has his own personal army.

Surveillance cameras show that even in Mayfair,

there's a problem with teenagers hanging around on the streets.

And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design

for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.

Goodnight.