Episode 4 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 4

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Rhod Gilbert.

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In the news this week,

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in Pyongyang, celebrating another successful missile launch,

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the nuclear weapons team get to see a different side to Kim Jong-un.

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PlayStation brings out a brand-new virtual reality game that lets

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players enjoy all the excitement of tweaking a hipster's beard.

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And, in an attempt to reduce energy bills,

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Rhondda Council unveils their new aluminium recycling centre.

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On Ian's team tonight is an award-winning playwright

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who says one of the best things about her job is getting up

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at whatever time she wants,

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so it was either writing, or being a train driver for Southern Rail.

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Please welcome Lucy Prebble. APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is the writer and director of a new film about

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Stalin - a tyrannical megalomaniac with a cruel sense of humour...

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..Armando also made The Thick Of It. Please welcome Armando Iannucci.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week -

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Ian and Lucy, take a look at this.

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European dinner, they're eating their own hands.

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-Water.

-Oh, that's a subtle metaphor.

-Oh!

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-Oh, a leak, yes.

-Oh, look...

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-Man going upstairs, is that a metaphor?

-No, he's just drunk.

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-There was a dinner, wasn't there?

-There was a dinner.

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I do find it strange that we get this kind of autopsy of the dinner.

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It's a bit like, you know,

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when your flatmate comes back after a Tinder date and tells you,

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you know, "Well, he was a bit arrogant,

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"he was a bit cold." And you know that he's gone back

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to his group of friends and said, "Well,

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"she was begging for it, she was like this,

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"she was like that" - the stories are different, and then in the end,

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they're just going to find a way to split up, which is

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basically what's going to happen with these guys.

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Yes, that image of a Tinder date between Theresa

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and Jean-Claude has really stayed with me.

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This is the leaked report from Theresa May's dinner

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with Jean-Claude Juncker.

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The dinner itself was very amicable, but was followed by

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an interminable argument over how to split the bill.

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What was the substance of the leak?

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Theresa May was desperate

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and was begging the EU just to give her a chance.

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It's said that May had...

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Saying that...

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Juncker's chief aide is called Martin Selmayr and he's got form.

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There have been other occasions where there's only been three people

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in the room and the contents of the discussion have

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suddenly appeared in the German paper and everyone goes,

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"Oh, no. Not Martin! He doesn't do that sort of thing."

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-Oh, but does he?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

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He's a very, very hard line Europhile

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and he's known as "The Monster."

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Er, because people find him very difficult to deal with.

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He's got a number of different nicknames.

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Let's have a look at a picture of him

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and then I'll ask you to guess some of his other nicknames.

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The man who cuts his own hair.

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LAUGHTER

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-Rasputin, he's named as.

-Rasputin?!

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-ARMANDO:

-Rasputin had longer hair.

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I think you're focusing too much

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-on just the hair, to be honest. LUCY:

-Yeah.

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Is he Russia's greatest love machine?

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That's a Boney M reference.

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That's completely fine, that's allowed.

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-Based on historical research.

-Yeah!

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No, no - I'm not saying Boney M hadn't done their stuff.

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I mean, compared to some of the lightweight Russian research

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that some people do.

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LAUGHTER

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Stalin is another of his nicknames.

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-ARMANDO:

-Then I've made a dreadful mistake.

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Darth Vader, he's also known as Darth Vader!

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-Just anyone evil.

-Do you know what the Daily Mail calls him?

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Editor in chief?

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-It's leaky bully-boy.

-I think I was right first time.

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What was the other sign that it might be Selmayr

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who was the culprit...

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..of these unexplained leaks?

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Did he say, "I have leaked this"?

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-Not far from the answer.

-In German?

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-Not far from it.

-"Ich leaken michen."

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As they left the Brussels dinner, Juncker turned to him and said...

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Right, yeah.

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What did photographers capture Theresa May doing

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-at the EU summit?

-Begging.

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-She was on her own.

-Oh, yes, she was....

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She sat at a table, with just some plants.

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Otherwise known as "The Cabinet."

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She was apologising to them, for running through wheat.

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How did May provide clarity on whether a no-deal Brexit is likely?

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After the summit, she said...something.

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She said, "It's not unlikely.

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"And is more than likely to be likely."

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-No?

-I mean, totally the wrong words but pretty close to the...

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She said...

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HE READS QUICKLY

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APPLAUSE

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That's the first time that speech has got a round of applause.

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There was another leak at a high-level meeting of European

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-politicians this week, what was that?

-Not this toxic gas leak?

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-No, a much less serious leak, arguably.

-The vegetable leek?

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Slightly more serious than a vegetable leek.

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It involves Macron's dog.

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-Oh, yes.

-Oh!

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The President of France urinated into a fireplace

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and then blamed it on his dog.

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Would that that were true.

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While attending a meeting at the Elysee Palace with Macron

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and members of his government, Nemo relieved himself in the fireplace.

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Keep an eye on the young chien.

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MAN SPEAKS FRENCH

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I think that's all right in high-level meetings now,

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cos I think Trump does that. I think... I've seen it. Definitely.

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-I don't think he's polite enough to go over to the fireplace.

-No!

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I do know something weird about Macron's dog's name.

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Nemo... In France, legally, all dogs

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have to be named alphabetically according to year.

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So, all the dogs born in the year that Nemo was born,

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have to be named beginning with the letter N.

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-This is true, I'm not, you know, drunk.

-No!

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It's absolutely true. When I saw that first footage of

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Merkel, May and Macron,

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I did think, maybe we're doing that with world leaders now.

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Yeah, but what happens with really old animals that...?

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I don't know, I'm not a French vet!

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What if the dog refuses to give his real name?

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We learned this week that EU ministers have a nickname

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for Boris Johnson's deputy, Sir Alan Duncan.

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Can anybody tell me what that nickname might be?

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Is it "oily"?

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He used to represent a lot of oil companies.

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I just throw that in, just to remind people.

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If they want to look it up,

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it is quite interesting, Sir Alan's previous career.

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In that case, then, is it "actual human turd"?

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Er, it's to do with Boris causing such a mess wherever he goes.

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Is it "wet wipe" or something like that?

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The "human wet wipe"?

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The Europeans call him...

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Boris gave a speech this week - oh, happy days -

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where he urged the EU to speed up with Brexit.

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What was noteworthy about this particular speech?

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He made a number of Shakespearean references in it.

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He was just sort of riffing on the subject of why Brexit needed

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to happen quickly.

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So it was Hamlet, you know, he couldn't decide how to act

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and it was Macbeth, you know,

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waiting to stab someone - you've got Gove there, for God's sake!

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Just get on with it.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They applaud?!

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Can I just say, that was a metaphorical stabbing?

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-Can we have a look at Boris Johnson riffing on Shakespeare?

-Yes.

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I suggest humbly to our friends and partners in Brussels,

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now is the time to get on with it.

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You know, let's not... I dare not wait upon I would or, you know,

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let the native hue of resolution be sicklied o'er

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with a pale cast of thought...

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-or whatever.

-LAUGHTER

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..In the affairs of men... They should...grip it.

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Go on, get on with it and, er...

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and start thinking about the future.

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That's not a speech, that's a malfunctioning android,

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that's what that is.

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That's words strung together in whichever form they come to him.

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I love the idea of "or whatever."

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Shakespeare's best-known lines all ended, "yeah, or whatever."

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"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...or whatever."

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Do you think he is just riffing or are they very...?

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He gives this impression that he's sort of riffing these quotes

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-from his...

-I should think he knows those, I mean,

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again, people say, "Oh, he's got an incredibly well-stocked mind,"

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but, you know, most people have got a few quotes they can pull out.

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-And he does.

-But also, it's not really...

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It's not really saying anything, though, is it?

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It's just babbling incoherently other people's words.

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And I have this theory that maybe,

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maybe Theresa May is deliberately not assuming any sort of opinion

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or position because she knows that's what got Cameron into trouble.

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Boris Johnson immediately had the opposite opinion

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because basically Boris Johnson's entire personality is

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built backwards from being Prime Minister,

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so the idea that he disagreed with David Cameron

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is what defined him.

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And now Theresa May is just avoiding believing anything,

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so that Boris Johnson can't disagree with her and become Prime Minister.

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So they're in a sort of opinion standoff for ever.

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And they'll just talk nonsense until we all die.

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Well, bring it on, I say.

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-That's not a very good end to the play.

-Yeah.

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Sorry, it's not dramatic.

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I love the way he always has that smile on his face,

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which is sort of saying, "I know that this sounds terrible.

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"And I'm still Foreign Secretary."

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Is he going to be Prime Minister?

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What do you think?

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-Er, no.

-OK.

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-I think yes.

-Oh!

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Let's fight!

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It's like a 5 Live phone-in!

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The Sun had some Brexit-themed Shakespeare plays.

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What headlines did The Sun conjure up?

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Two Gentlemen Are Sent Back To Verona, Hurrah!

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They did have...

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ALL GROAN

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And I quite like this one...

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Pole being a pun on love?

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Yeah.

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Who did the government distance themselves from this week?

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-Was it Mr Heaton-Harris?

-Oh, yes.

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-LUCY:

-Is this the man who sent the letter?

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Yes. He wanted the names of all lecturers at the universities

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who'd been teaching on European Affairs

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and information as to whether they were talking about Brexit

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-or pro-remain policies.

-LUCY:

-Ohh...

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Then he was accused afterwards of that being a bit sinister

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and he said, "That's not sinister, sending letters asking for the names

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"of people who teach this particular subject."

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Why would anybody think that was McCarthyite?

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You see, it's bloody liberals, you know, they are snowflakes.

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You just say, "Give us your name, I'll put it on a list

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"and I'm in the government," and they go, "Ooohhh!"

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-How do they go, again?

-Just like that. "Ooohhh!"

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Well, it's Halloween.

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It's like a 1920s chorus girl.

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-Exactly.

-Hasn't he said he wants to write a book?

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And that's actually what it was about - research for a book -

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which I really hope isn't true and that it's a lie and a cover-up,

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because then now he has to write a book about Brexit

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which would be an amazing punishment for basically lying about it.

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We should all pre-order it off Amazon now, so he has to do it.

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Interestingly, he didn't come up with that excuse,

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-he's been very quiet on the whole thing, I think.

-OK.

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-That was Jo Johnson, wasn't it?

-That was Jo Johnson.

-His boss.

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So he's MAKING him write a book!

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The book is called The University Lecturer Murders.

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It's a mystery.

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How did universities respond?

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I just told you, "Whooohhh!"

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-Not all of them.

-They were all pretty snowflake libtard, I thought.

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Paul Kleiman took a slightly more humorous approach than some others,

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tweeting, "Dear Chris Heaton-Harris,

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"following your letter to my VC,

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"here are the details of my Theatre History lectures."

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Which included...

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Week two...

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And week six...

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-APPLAUSE

-Brilliant.

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This is Brexit and the row over leaks after a dinner.

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In the Commons, Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's

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repetitive updates on EU talks by comparing them to...

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He was going to go with,

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"the cyclical nature of Marxist historical dialectic"

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until one of his advisers said,

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"Jeremy, for the love of Christ, just say Groundhog Day."

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One Tory MP came under fire for asking universities

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for the names and details of lecturers teaching Brexit.

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One critic accused him of McCarthyism

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while another said it was "idiotic Leninism."

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Lenin and McCarthyism, eh?

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Just let it be, I say. APPLAUSE

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Paul and Armando, take a look at this.

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Ah, yes - this is the election last summer in Sheffield.

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That's Girls Aloud, I believe.

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-Oh! It's a young Paul Merton.

-Yes, that's me.

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Yes, it's the MP O'Mara.

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He's got into trouble through something that he said on Twitter

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or whatever it was 15 years ago, which was pretty horrendous.

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And he said he's been on a journey since then.

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Unfortunately, it was a return ticket, cos he's done it again.

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Apparently he'd said something rather nasty to

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a woman in a Sheffield nightclub a couple of months ago or something,

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so, yes, it's...

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..misogynistic, homophobic remarks.

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Um, that's the end of the show!

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That's not the rest of your script, is it?

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-This is the Labour MP Jared O'Mara.

-Jared O'Mara.

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It was given a twist by the fact that he was on

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the Commons Equalities Committee,

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so he was meant to be rooting out misogyny, homophobia, sexism and...

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Well, he did - he resigned!

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He rooted it out - in himself!

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He resigned when he was caught, let's be fair!

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Was he saying all these things towards writing

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a book about himself? I think that's what it is that he's doing.

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-How has all this surfaced?

-It's all on social media, isn't it?

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It's there forever, so somebody did some digging, presumably,

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-and found this stuff.

-Do you know who?

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Political website Guido Fawkes, that's who did it.

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They managed to access them from chatrooms

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and websites dating back to 2002.

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But there's a lot of people in the Labour Party going, "Oh, well,

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"he was very young, it was a long time ago, can't we not have this?

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"Cos, you know, he's not a Tory.

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"You see, if he'd said that and he was a Tory, we'd kill him.

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"But he was young, he was 22."

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It's absolutely no excuse.

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Especially since the latest one was, what, three weeks ago,

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-or three months ago?

-Yes.

-But people were different then.

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It was a different time, sort of...

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The sun was shining...

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It was alleged that only recently, O'Mara had called a woman...

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-He denies that.

-If you can't be held accountable

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for something that happened, like, 14 years ago,

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then there's, like, hairstyles and boyfriends I had

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that I can have expunged from the record, which I'm thrilled about!

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Expunge them all!

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"Will all boyfriends make their way to sector five..."

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Old hairstyles to the left...

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-Have you ever had a hairstyle you regretted, Ian?

-Um...

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This from a man wearing a cravat!

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Roger Moore in The Persuaders!

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-Oh, right - that makes me Tony Curtis!

-Absolutely!

-Excellent!

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Why is this especially...?

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Why is this especially difficult for Labour?

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I mean, lots of people in the party

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say Labour have a problem with women.

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Ah, yes.

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-ARMANDO:

-Or abusive language.

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Cos I was asked, do I ever get abuse on Twitter?

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And I said, "The only time I get abuse on Twitter

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"is if I make a joke about John McDonnell."

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And after I said that, I then got abuse

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for implying that I would get abuse for...

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LAUGHTER

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So just locked in this cycle of abuse, really, on Twitter.

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But, yes, no, they have a problem with, erm...

0:18:180:18:20

And there's a bunch of Labour women MPs

0:18:200:18:22

who say, "Every time we say anything about anything,

0:18:220:18:25

"we just get this deluge of sort of

0:18:250:18:28

"online drivel from rabid Corbynistas."

0:18:280:18:32

-But it's difficult, isn't it?

-I'm not online,

0:18:320:18:34

so you can say what you like, I'm not going to read it.

0:18:340:18:36

-Oh, there's lots of stuff, Ian.

-Is there? Oh, good.

0:18:360:18:39

Well, I'd be annoyed if there wasn't!

0:18:390:18:41

It is weird, though, isn't it, because there's a fine line

0:18:420:18:45

between sort of terrible misogynistic language

0:18:450:18:47

and just being a real dick, and it seems like some of his comments

0:18:470:18:50

are being a real dick, you know?

0:18:500:18:52

He's saying stuff about Jamie Cullum

0:18:520:18:55

which, you know...is music criticism,

0:18:550:18:57

probably, more than it's misogyny or homophobia...

0:18:570:19:00

-Are you sure about that?

-Well, I'm not, actually,

0:19:000:19:02

-I don't know quite what he said.

-He said poofters...

-Oh, did he?

0:19:020:19:05

..and he said Cullum should be sodomised with his own piano.

0:19:050:19:08

Ah, right, OK.

0:19:080:19:10

So he doesn't like jazz much, then, does he?

0:19:100:19:12

What did he say about pop band Girls Aloud? Do you remember?

0:19:120:19:15

-Oh, yes - I do!

-Go on.

-Of course not...

0:19:150:19:18

He invited them to...

0:19:200:19:22

How many is an orgy, Ian?

0:19:250:19:27

LAUGHTER

0:19:270:19:29

Sorry, ANYONE? I'll open that out the panel!

0:19:290:19:32

Well, two!

0:19:320:19:33

And a mirror.

0:19:360:19:38

Who sprang to O'Mara's defence?

0:19:410:19:43

Oh, everyone.

0:19:430:19:45

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Well, HE certainly did. He said...

0:19:450:19:48

Well, at last someone's spoken the truth!

0:19:520:19:54

Although the signs of his enlightened forward-thinking

0:19:550:19:58

were there back in 2006. This is from his band's website.

0:19:580:20:02

So, any woman that goes on a date with him

0:20:110:20:13

is doing it for charitable reasons.

0:20:130:20:15

Shadow Minister Angela Rayner also defended him, saying...

0:20:160:20:20

What's wrong with that statement from...?

0:20:270:20:29

-He never made a maiden speech.

-He didn't, no!

0:20:290:20:32

And he hasn't been in Parliament much.

0:20:320:20:33

Why is he not keen on holding constituency surgeries on Fridays?

0:20:330:20:37

-ARMANDO:

-Oh, he goes out on Friday.

0:20:370:20:39

-No, Thursday's his night out and he's hungover on a Friday.

-Yeah!

0:20:390:20:41

That's right.

0:20:410:20:42

It's lad culture, we all do it.

0:20:470:20:50

You get swept up in it, don't you? You just get swept up in it.

0:20:500:20:53

I live within five miles of Wembley Stadium, it's a nightmare.

0:20:530:20:57

I get swept up in football culture.

0:20:570:20:59

He clearly likes a good time. Here's a tweet from one of his neighbours.

0:21:010:21:05

What TV show is Jeremy Corbyn to appear on?

0:21:190:21:21

-Gogglebox.

-Yes.

0:21:210:21:23

I hope he's on with Giles and Mary.

0:21:230:21:24

-Oh, you really watch it, Ian? Giles and Mary?

-I love Gogglebox.

0:21:260:21:29

Who's your favourite on Gogglebox?

0:21:290:21:31

Well, I like all of them, just cos it's so upbeat.

0:21:310:21:33

I always come away at the end of the programme thinking,

0:21:330:21:35

"Those are really nice people",

0:21:350:21:37

unlike some other shows, you think, "Oh, God."

0:21:370:21:40

That goes on at the same time as this one, so you watch THAT, do you?

0:21:400:21:43

Which is a really nice show, full of nice people.

0:21:460:21:48

That's a slap in the teeth, isn't it?

0:21:500:21:53

What, you watch yourself, do you?

0:21:530:21:54

I'm always intrigued when I make the edit.

0:21:560:21:58

This is Labour MP Jared O'Mara, who has been suspended

0:22:040:22:07

for a number of ill-advised comments made on social media.

0:22:070:22:10

To be fair, everyone's done a few things

0:22:100:22:12

when they were younger that they now regret.

0:22:120:22:14

Even Jacob Rees-Mogg sent some pretty racy telegrams.

0:22:140:22:17

In his comments, Jared O'Mara

0:22:190:22:21

has been homophobic, xenophobic and sexist.

0:22:210:22:23

And worst of all, in the eyes of the Labour Party,

0:22:230:22:25

he doesn't have a bad word to say about Jews.

0:22:250:22:28

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooohh!

0:22:280:22:30

LAUGHTER

0:22:320:22:34

Meanwhile, it's been announced that Jeremy Corbyn is

0:22:340:22:36

to appear on a special edition of Gogglebox.

0:22:360:22:39

I'm not saying Jeremy is out of touch with popular culture,

0:22:390:22:41

but when he was told he was appearing on a sofa with Leon,

0:22:410:22:44

he assumed it was Trotsky.

0:22:440:22:45

Oh, he's on with Leon!

0:22:460:22:48

And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

0:22:500:22:53

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:530:22:54

BUZZER

0:22:550:22:57

-Oh.

-Armando and Paul.

-Take That have reformed.

0:22:570:22:59

Oh, no! And they're appearing with their tribute band.

0:23:020:23:04

It's Xi, which is slightly ironic when you look at that picture

0:23:040:23:07

and the report says, "Xi is going to do this, Xi's going to do that" -

0:23:070:23:10

oh, no - there's no women there!

0:23:100:23:12

It's solid blokes.

0:23:120:23:14

That's an odd way to phrase it.

0:23:150:23:17

Wall-to-wall fella!

0:23:180:23:20

-Look at it!

-LUCY:

-Lad culture.

0:23:220:23:24

-ARMANDO:

-They look like they're going to be launched, don't they?

0:23:240:23:27

Or like skittles - a huge ball is going to come and knock them over.

0:23:280:23:31

It's President Xi,

0:23:320:23:34

his thought has been, er...

0:23:340:23:37

encapsulated within the Chinese constitution.

0:23:370:23:39

The only other person who's

0:23:390:23:41

had his thought as part of the constitution is Chairman Mao.

0:23:410:23:44

-So...

-How does that work, exactly?

0:23:440:23:46

-Do you know what that means?

-I think he just goes, "Mmmmm."

0:23:460:23:50

-And it becomes law?

-And people look at it, and go...

0:23:500:23:53

"Mmmmm."

0:23:530:23:55

His thought is mainly that he should be in charge.

0:23:550:23:57

-That's his main thought, yes.

-And other people should not be.

0:23:570:24:01

-Yes.

-And anyone who doesn't agree with him should shut up.

-Yes.

0:24:010:24:04

Or be shut up for a very, very long time.

0:24:040:24:07

Er, what does Donald Trump think of Xi Jinping?

0:24:070:24:11

He congratulated him on his elevation,

0:24:110:24:13

kind of revealing that he thinks he was somehow elected

0:24:130:24:16

and kind of won that spot through an open ballot.

0:24:160:24:19

Whereas, in fact, it was sheer dictatorship.

0:24:190:24:22

It's a fabulous quote from Trump.

0:24:220:24:24

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:340:24:36

-LUCY:

-When he says "some people,"

0:24:400:24:42

he means him, before someone just told him.

0:24:420:24:44

How has the West come to this?

0:24:450:24:48

We're sitting here discussing Brexit and Trump and China...

0:24:480:24:51

When we could be watching Gogglebox!

0:24:510:24:53

A totally innocent occupation!

0:24:550:24:57

The five surviving ex-presidents of the USA all appeared

0:24:580:25:01

at a fundraiser for the One America Appeal

0:25:010:25:03

for hurricane relief. What led George W Bush

0:25:030:25:07

and Barack Obama to snigger behind Bill Clinton's back?

0:25:070:25:11

Oh, I don't know. Do we know what it was, what the joke was?

0:25:110:25:14

Journalist Simon Ricketts thinks Obama is laughing

0:25:140:25:17

because Bush is pretending his arms are Bill Clinton's arms.

0:25:170:25:21

It's...

0:25:210:25:23

LAUGHTER

0:25:230:25:24

It is a fantastic spot, that we are going to watch at least twice.

0:25:240:25:27

LAUGHTER

0:25:270:25:29

..calamitous disaster.

0:25:290:25:32

But can be...

0:25:320:25:33

LAUGHTER

0:25:330:25:35

That's amazing, isn't it? LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:42

Isn't that amazing?

0:25:420:25:44

-Who'd like to see that again? ALL:

-Yeah!

0:25:480:25:50

Let's have a look at that again.

0:25:500:25:52

..calamitous disaster.

0:25:520:25:55

But can be...

0:25:550:25:57

LAUGHTER

0:25:570:25:58

Donald Trump was in trouble this week after his phone call

0:26:040:26:06

to the widow of a US soldier killed in Niger.

0:26:060:26:09

She accused Trump of...

0:26:090:26:10

His aides were just relieved

0:26:120:26:13

he'd managed to pronounce "Niger" correctly.

0:26:130:26:16

Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.

0:26:190:26:21

He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining

0:26:210:26:25

he'd simply mixed up the two real countries of Gambia and Narnia.

0:26:250:26:28

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:26:340:26:36

-BELL

-I believe it's called a burger.

0:26:390:26:42

Well done, Ian. Think I'll give you a point just for that.

0:26:440:26:47

-LUCY:

-Is it...

0:26:470:26:49

It's nothing to do with magic, or it's levitating or something?

0:26:490:26:52

I mean, yes...

0:26:520:26:54

It is the news that scientists at the University of Sussex have

0:26:540:26:57

found a way of making food levitate.

0:26:570:26:59

Why?

0:26:590:27:00

Isn't "how?" the first question, rather than "why"?

0:27:020:27:05

Er... OK, how?

0:27:050:27:08

-How? I think you're going to have to tell us.

-Is it magnets?

0:27:080:27:10

-Do they do magnets?

-Are we on how, or why?

0:27:100:27:14

I've read several articles. I think they're still working on the "whys".

0:27:140:27:17

-What's the catch with levitating food?

-It doesn't work.

0:27:170:27:21

It DOES work.

0:27:210:27:22

How?!

0:27:220:27:24

Why?!

0:27:240:27:25

The catch is, according to the Sun, you can only eat your meal in...

0:27:300:27:34

Let's have a look at the machine preloaded with a feast.

0:27:360:27:39

It works by ultrasonic waves

0:27:390:27:41

blasted from above and below

0:27:410:27:43

to create what they're calling a...

0:27:430:27:45

You can actually make some quite complex dishes.

0:27:470:27:49

Here's one for Ian. I know how you like cheese and wine.

0:27:490:27:52

Have you been reading my 15-year-old blog?

0:27:550:27:57

Is that what you were doing when you were 15? Cheese and wine evenings?

0:27:590:28:03

It was wild, I tell you.

0:28:030:28:05

-It was lad culture, wasn't it?

-Lad culture plus!

0:28:050:28:08

He was swept up in the whole teenage cheese and wine...

0:28:090:28:12

Get the boys round, watch a bit of bridge on the telly...

0:28:120:28:15

..look up The Book Of Common Prayer.

0:28:150:28:17

If only he was exaggerating.

0:28:200:28:22

Let's have a look at the cheese and wine hovering.

0:28:240:28:26

That looks like a moon circulating round Saturn.

0:28:260:28:31

-Do you want to see a levitating burger?

-Yeah.

0:28:310:28:33

Here it goes.

0:28:330:28:35

It has been a bad news week, if this has made the show.

0:28:410:28:43

How does the food get in your mouth?

0:28:440:28:47

Oh, who cares?

0:28:470:28:48

-ARMANDO:

-It doesn't.

0:28:500:28:52

I've invented something called the hand.

0:28:520:28:54

You break up a pair of false teeth and chuck them in

0:28:550:28:57

and they chew it up, like that.

0:28:570:29:00

The scientists are working on using sound waves to float the food

0:29:000:29:03

gracefully onto your outstretched tongue.

0:29:030:29:06

This is what the Universities Minister should be writing

0:29:060:29:09

letters about! "Dear University of Sussex, what are you doing?!

0:29:090:29:13

"Give us the money back!"

0:29:150:29:17

In other food news, yes, there's other food news.

0:29:170:29:19

That wasn't food news.

0:29:190:29:21

That was bonkers time!

0:29:210:29:23

That was the main food news, this is just a supplementary food question.

0:29:230:29:26

-I got it.

-This one's smaller than that one.

-Really?

0:29:260:29:29

This is other food news.

0:29:290:29:31

Why was Sharon Bijin disappointed with the cake

0:29:310:29:35

she ordered for her husband's birthday?

0:29:350:29:38

It misspelt his name?

0:29:380:29:39

-No.

-It was the size of a pea?

0:29:390:29:42

-No?

-No.

0:29:420:29:43

Here's the cake, see if you can guess what it's supposed to be.

0:29:430:29:45

This cake cost £50.

0:29:450:29:47

ALL GASP

0:29:470:29:49

That is the cake that Sharon Bijin...

0:29:490:29:51

Is it a tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey?

0:29:510:29:53

Guesses from the internet have included a foetus,

0:29:550:29:57

male genitalia and the alien that came out of John Hurt's stomach.

0:29:570:30:00

I'll give you a clue - Sharon's husband is a body-builder.

0:30:000:30:03

Oh, it's a muscle. I see, it's a bicep thing going on.

0:30:030:30:06

-Yeah.

-It's meant to be his bicep.

0:30:060:30:08

Here's the cake that the baker was trying to copy.

0:30:080:30:11

LAUGHTER

0:30:110:30:13

When she picked the cake up, the baker said,

0:30:180:30:20

"Don't open it, cos it's raining."

0:30:200:30:22

Presumably, pushed her out the door, flicked the closed sign...

0:30:240:30:28

"Closed!"

0:30:280:30:29

This is science's bold leap towards levitating our meals.

0:30:310:30:35

I can't see the idea of floating food ever catching on.

0:30:350:30:38

It's pie-in-the-sky stuff.

0:30:380:30:39

GROANS

0:30:390:30:41

We built up to that joke, you realise that, don't you?

0:30:410:30:44

That's the reason they put that question in!

0:30:440:30:46

What time is Gogglebox on?

0:30:480:30:50

-It's about now.

-Is it?

0:30:520:30:54

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:30:540:30:57

BUZZER

0:31:000:31:01

-This is the only passenger on a flight.

-It was the last flight

0:31:010:31:05

of an airline to Crete.

0:31:050:31:07

This is Karon Grieve, who had the time of her life

0:31:070:31:09

when she booked a flight to Crete and ended up with the whole plane

0:31:090:31:12

to herself. What perks did Karon enjoy on her private jet?

0:31:120:31:15

They let her fly it for a while.

0:31:150:31:18

She got a safety demonstration all to herself.

0:31:180:31:22

"Your exits are here, here..."

0:31:220:31:25

Do you think she listened to that safety briefing?

0:31:250:31:27

-If it's just you...

-There's quite a lot of pressure on you!

0:31:270:31:30

Yeah, you've got to read it!

0:31:300:31:32

-Can't look at your phone, really.

-Yeah.

0:31:330:31:35

Well, the pilot...

0:31:350:31:38

Wow.

0:31:380:31:39

Which crazy airline was this?!

0:31:460:31:49

Well, not Ryanair, that would have cost you an extra 200 quid, that!

0:31:490:31:52

What extreme behaviour was Karon allowed to engage in

0:31:520:31:56

-on the flight?

-She was drunk all the way through.

0:31:560:31:59

-Did they let her into the flight deck?

-Not that exciting.

-No.

0:31:590:32:03

The flight attendants very kindly told Karon she...

0:32:030:32:05

I mean, it's sort of nice the pilot talking to her directly.

0:32:100:32:14

but if the flight hadn't gone very well that would be terrifying,

0:32:140:32:17

wouldn't it? If they were like, "Karon, we've got a problem...

0:32:170:32:19

"There's a bit of turbulence. Sorry."

0:32:210:32:24

-You'd feel terrified.

-"Is there a doctor onboard?"

0:32:240:32:27

LAUGHTER

0:32:270:32:28

Who else went flying this week?

0:32:340:32:36

The men in the balloons. In South Africa.

0:32:360:32:39

Oh, was there a man with some balloons?

0:32:390:32:41

I was going to see the woman who fell over on the stage.

0:32:410:32:43

Er, which one are you going to go for?

0:32:430:32:45

-I'll go with his balloons...

-Should have gone with your own.

-Ah!

0:32:450:32:49

You lose the sofa and the holiday too.

0:32:490:32:52

I've had a lovely day, Armando.

0:32:530:32:55

Why don't you have a little run around the studio?

0:32:560:32:59

Er, The Only Way Is Essex's Gemma Collins, who had a slight

0:32:590:33:02

mishap while presenting a prize at Radio 1's Teen Awards.

0:33:020:33:06

Do you want to have a little look?

0:33:060:33:08

No, I've seen it.

0:33:080:33:09

The winner of the Radio 1 Teen Award for best TV show is...

0:33:100:33:16

..Love Island!

0:33:200:33:22

-Perfect. Perfect, classic.

-The balloons was a bit nicer than that.

0:33:370:33:42

You'd just want the ground to swallow you up, wouldn't you,

0:33:420:33:44

after something like that?

0:33:440:33:46

She's going to sue, so I read.

0:33:460:33:49

I thought she was sort of joking about that.

0:33:490:33:50

She said, "Where's blame, there's a claim."

0:33:500:33:52

But she seemed to have a twinkle in her eye, at the time.

0:33:520:33:55

I think that was a splinter.

0:33:550:33:57

Finally, what looked like it was going to be a terrible mishap,

0:33:590:34:02

this week, but it ended up being a bit of a "hap"?

0:34:020:34:05

-Is that a word?

-Yes.

0:34:070:34:09

A semifinal shoot out between the Bangkok Sports Club

0:34:090:34:12

and Satri Angthong in Thailand,

0:34:120:34:15

the scores are poised at 19-19.

0:34:150:34:18

And the goalkeeper mistakenly thought it was all over.

0:34:190:34:22

WHISTLE

0:34:220:34:24

CHEERING

0:34:350:34:37

I feel swept up in football!

0:34:470:34:49

This is Karon Grieve, who flew to Crete with Jet2

0:34:510:34:53

and got 189 seats to herself.

0:34:530:34:55

Here's a picture of Karon mid-flight.

0:34:550:34:58

She's smiling, but she did specifically request an aisle seat.

0:34:580:35:01

Time now for the Missing Words round,

0:35:040:35:06

which this week features as its guest publication...

0:35:060:35:09

Have I Got Moos For You.

0:35:120:35:14

It's UDDERLY fascinating. Let's not milk it, let's not milk it.

0:35:150:35:18

LAUGHTER

0:35:180:35:20

APPLAUSE A round of applause. Really?!

0:35:200:35:24

Really?

0:35:240:35:25

You disappoint me.

0:35:250:35:27

And we start with...

0:35:270:35:29

Get out of bed, walk across the hills and milk a herd!

0:35:330:35:38

-ARMANDO:

-Is it - kill a cow and roast it?

0:35:380:35:40

Even on crappy days, it's still rewarding to see

0:35:440:35:47

your magnificent herd of cattle transgressing across

0:35:470:35:50

-the hillsides.

-Transgressing?!

-Yes.

0:35:500:35:54

-What were they up to?

-Well, that's what the story is about.

0:35:540:35:58

What line did they cross, in your mind?

0:35:580:36:00

It's like sheep rustling, you know.

0:36:000:36:02

-Sheep don't rustle.

-They do if you tie their legs together.

0:36:020:36:05

I knew all those years of reading the Beano would pay off one day.

0:36:070:36:10

Even on crappy days, it's still rewarding...

0:36:100:36:13

Yeah, it's what I said!

0:36:160:36:18

Next, what is an insult to cockneys?

0:36:180:36:21

Dick Van Dyke's accent.

0:36:210:36:23

It's a new themed restaurant that's opened up in London in the East End.

0:36:240:36:28

-It is.

-They're charging lots of money

0:36:280:36:29

-to eat traditional cockney fare.

-It is.

0:36:290:36:31

East End-themed dining experience is an insult to cockneys,

0:36:310:36:34

is the right answer.

0:36:340:36:36

I had "Piss off, Cockneys."

0:36:360:36:37

Thank you, Guvnor!

0:36:410:36:42

I had Jeremy Hunt, so lucky we didn't get to that.

0:36:420:36:46

This is a Cockney-themed dinner party featuring tracksuited

0:36:460:36:50

and tattooed characters drinking, smoking and being aggressive.

0:36:500:36:53

If you really want to be entertained by these appalling stereotypes

0:36:530:36:56

at the £55-a-head meal, I'd just say,

0:36:560:36:58

"Leave it, it's not worf it."

0:36:580:37:00

-What...?

-Next...

0:37:020:37:04

Yeah, go on, then - I'll let it go.

0:37:040:37:06

-That was all right, wasn't it?

-Yeah, not too bad.

-Aw'wight?

0:37:060:37:10

Can I hear your Welsh?

0:37:100:37:11

-IN WELSH ACCENT:

-Well, it's only a little bit, you know, but...

0:37:110:37:15

There's certain names,

0:37:150:37:16

if you think of certain composers like Johann Sebastian Bach.

0:37:160:37:20

-You're Welsh, aren't you, Ian? Born in Mumbles.

-I was.

0:37:210:37:25

But it was a very long time ago.

0:37:250:37:27

And I was writing a book about Wales.

0:37:290:37:31

Next,

0:37:370:37:39

if you give a cow what, she will pay you back in milk.

0:37:390:37:42

-LUCY:

-A hug and a bucket?

0:37:420:37:44

25 quid.

0:37:450:37:46

-ARMANDO:

-A milk token.

0:37:480:37:49

-LUCY:

-A credit card...

0:37:510:37:53

Love and affection.

0:37:530:37:55

-Respect.

-Respect! It's got to be!

0:37:550:37:57

Er... Now, where are we?!

0:37:570:37:59

Oh, next, Richard Madeley...

0:37:590:38:01

-Did we get the answer?

-Oh, sorry!

0:38:010:38:04

If you give a cow Richard Madeley?!

0:38:040:38:06

She'll pay you back in milk?!

0:38:060:38:07

-LUCY:

-I never would have got that!

0:38:070:38:09

That's what it says!

0:38:090:38:11

I hope this isn't some terribly misogynistic reference

0:38:130:38:15

to Judy that we've got here.

0:38:150:38:17

LAUGHTER

0:38:170:38:18

That's appalling.

0:38:180:38:20

Absolutely appalling.

0:38:220:38:24

I can't work out who's going to get the blame for that - you or me?

0:38:260:38:29

Well, I was trying to make it out that somebody else had said it...

0:38:290:38:32

Unsuccessfully, I should imagine.

0:38:320:38:34

If you give a cow her six basic needs,

0:38:340:38:36

she will pay you back in milk.

0:38:360:38:38

-Richard Madeley...

-He's come up again!

0:38:380:38:41

I think he guest edited this edition of Cowsmopolitan!

0:38:440:38:46

-Richard Madeley what...?

-Has a cow.

0:38:480:38:51

Is sober.

0:38:520:38:54

LAUGHTER

0:38:540:38:55

-That's not libellous.

-LUCY:

-Is it "has to be mentioned"?

0:38:570:39:00

-Yes!

-Which is why we've had to mention him so much tonight.

0:39:000:39:03

-Exactly.

-Just legally.

-He was doing Breakfast this week.

0:39:030:39:06

-I don't watch much telly, but he was, um...

-Was he good?

0:39:060:39:09

-Yeah, no, he was very, very good.

-I've always liked him.

0:39:090:39:12

What's happened to you, Ian? Gogglebox, now breakfast television?

0:39:120:39:17

-It's another book.

-Have you lost your job?

0:39:170:39:19

There's a lot of competition for paper rounds these days, you know.

0:39:260:39:30

The answer is Richard Madeley goes commando in every telly show.

0:39:300:39:34

GROANS

0:39:340:39:35

Yeah, I'm not sure if that's the response he'd have hoped for, but...

0:39:350:39:38

Richard Madeley revealed he wasn't wearing underpants

0:39:380:39:42

on Good Morning Britain and up until that moment, it had been.

0:39:420:39:45

And finally, pork chop looks uncannily like what?

0:39:470:39:52

Richard Madeley?

0:39:520:39:54

Looks uncannily like a pig, with a bit missing.

0:39:560:39:58

Darth Vader is the answer.

0:40:020:40:03

This better be uncanny.

0:40:030:40:05

Pork chop looks uncannily like Darth Vader, well, check it out -

0:40:050:40:08

see how uncanny it is.

0:40:080:40:09

So, the final scores are...

0:40:120:40:15

Ian and Lucy have five,

0:40:150:40:16

-but Paul and Armando have five.

-Hooray!

0:40:160:40:19

Well done.

0:40:210:40:22

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

0:40:240:40:27

Paul and Armando have this.

0:40:270:40:30

Now all we need is some cheese and we can go to Ian Hislop's party.

0:40:300:40:33

Ian and Lucy get that.

0:40:380:40:39

Virtual reality headsets forget to put in any virtual or reality?

0:40:390:40:43

Mr Weinstein's office staff.

0:40:440:40:47

-ALL:

-Ohh!

0:40:470:40:49

PANEL LAUGH

0:40:490:40:51

Yep, that's the one to finish the show on.

0:40:520:40:54

And I leave you with news that there are fears that a split in the Tory

0:40:550:40:58

party could end in violence, as evidence emerges that

0:40:580:41:01

Boris Johnson has his own personal army.

0:41:010:41:04

Surveillance cameras show that even in Mayfair,

0:41:090:41:11

there's a problem with teenagers hanging around on the streets.

0:41:110:41:14

And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design

0:41:180:41:20

for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.

0:41:200:41:23

Goodnight.

0:41:260:41:28

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