Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE.

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Martin Clunes.

In the news this week, in Devon, Michael Fish's grandson carries

on the family tradition of refusing to believe there's

a hurricane on the way.

As the Green Party open their new eco-friendly

carbon-neutral headquarters, doubts are cast on the ethics

of the power supply in the basement.

And at a holiday resort in the Mediterranean,

Ed Balls suddenly spots George Osborne.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose wife recently gave birth

to their first child, so congratulations on the arrival

of 7lbs 8oz of bouncy new material for his comedy tour,

please welcome Jon Richardson.

And with Paul tonight is a journalist and broadcaster

whose first novel was entitled The Legacy Of Elizabeth Pringle.

I must admit, once I opened it, I couldn't stop.

Thank you.

Please welcome Kirsty Wark.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Jon, take a look at this.

Confident leadership.

Watch that hand!

There's Chris Grayling and that's back to the good old days.

Dig for victory.

Oh, God.

That needs medical attention, that.

What is it, a lemon?

That's a man.

We're going to grow our own food according to Chris Grayling.

Back to a diet of turnips, carrots and cardboard.

Didn't do us any harm in the war!

No.

So we're going to have it again.

He said that Britain will succeed come what may and responding

to warnings that a "no deal" Brexit could cause food prices to rocket,

he said that we'll just...

This idea that we're going to grow more food,

people don't even make sandwiches any more.

He just hasn't been out of the house.

People are too tired and depressed to even put cheese

between bread these days.

His idea is that people will go, "Well, I'll just grow some quinoa

"and some carrots, then."

People will just die.

We just won't eat.

Do you know, I'm positively upbeat compared to you?

I think his point is that, you know, we can do it.

Well, I...

We can forget, you know, currency.

We can go back to a barter system.

We can exchange mud...

..for beans.

I think Chris Grayling's going full Ray Mears to prove his point.

He's going to turn up to Parliament in a suit made of squirrels.

Oh, God, it's Brexit again.

It drones on.

We've had a dinner, we've had some talks about having more talks

and a dinner about having more dinners and then talks

about the dinner to have the talks and they've agreed to

do absolutely nothing.

Which is one hell of an agreement at this stage of the game.

I read today she goes out there and gives, like, a speech,

and then she comes back and they stay, which is not...

You can't get any progress done like that if she goes, "So, we're

all agreed, tariff-free access."

And they go, "Yeah, all right, nice one.

"We're going to stay for a bit after you've gone,

"just have a little chat while you're not here."

She just gets on the plane and they go, "So, that's not

happening, we're all agreed?

"Just say yes to her when she's here and then we'll sort it out

"when she's gone, shall we?"

That's what happens in the Cabinet when she goes in the first place.

What are Labour doing during all this?

They're hiding.

They're...

And it's a terrific strategy.

Say nothing, keep really quiet.

Watch the Tories blow up.

What is the Space Egg and why is it making people ill?

It's a building where they were meant to have the EU meeting.

But in fact, it's turned into a living metaphor.

Because they had to abandon it because it stank.

There were toxic fumes coming out of the middle of the EU,

which is quite funny.

And quite apt, with Mr Juncker there.

So they couldn't hold the meeting there, so they had to abandon it.

And it's shaped like an egg inside a cube.

So you can actually get into the egg, can you?

There's a picture of the inside.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Dr Strangelove.

It is like Dr Strangelove and the Teletubbies all at once.

It's not because of the colours.

It's because of the nasty fumes coming from the drains that

everyone has been sick.

There's a fatberg down there.

I don't know if there is.

I was just making that up.

That's no way to talk about Boris Johnson.

It promised so much that question, didn't it?

What is the Space Egg and why is it making people sick?

And it all just ends up, "Well, it's Brexit, isn't it?"

It was just such an exciting question.

Everything is, Jon.

Everything.

We even need, like, a euphemism for Brexit that sounds fun.

Just once for somebody to say, "Brexit is a bit like going

for a picnic "with a load of talking puppets."

And at least people might think, "Oh, that sounds good."

Not divorce and house-buying.

It's like having something massive pulled out of your anus.

I don't think I'm the guy to sort it, Martin, and you're

looking at me with such...

Well, I'm just wondering what it was that came out of your anus.

A noxious space egg.

How did Philip Hammond get into trouble this week?

He called the EU the enemy.

KIRSTY: The enemy.

Which is good for negotiating, isn't it?

He ended up apologising, but according to the Sun

he was still left...

That is good, though, isn't it?

That's really good.

And what was he seen doing, Mr Hammond, with George Osborne

and a lobster that created further suspicion?

They were eating together.

Was it not lobster and chips or something together?

Yes, according to the Mail...

It was the lobster plot!

That's right.

You see, it was a pun.

That's it, there it is from the Daily Mail.

The lobster plot.

He was seen...

Hammond ordered the ?21.90 house special - lobster on a bed of pasta

in tomato and garlic sauce.

JON: It's good of him to post a picture of his lunch on Twitter.

KIRSTY: Well, after it was regurgitated, it looks like.

What did Osborne have?

Osborne just had bread and a bit of oil and vinegar.

The comment section in the Mail Online went

into overdrive over this story.

Do you know what they were saying?

Busty Rihanna shows off her curves.

Teenage lobster coquettishly removes her shell.

She's asking for it!

Dipping in her own sauce, she coquettishly looks

towards the chips.

Get your claws off me!

Exactly.

One of them called Hammond a...

And one said...

Another wrote...

Whilst Big Simon Knight said...

What is the other big news on the economy?

Employment's up.

But inflation's up, as well, so...

We've mislaid half a trillion pounds.

Britain overestimated its international assets and is...

I can't believe that was such a small news item.

I know.

Well, The Daily Mirror picked up on it and to help us point out quite

what half a trillion is equivalent to, they came up with

this helpful thing.

And Labour inflicted a symbolic defeat on the Tories this week.

What was that?

It was a telephone line, wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

The telephone line that was 55p a minute to phone and find out

whether or not you were getting the right Universal Credit,

why you hadn't got your Universal Credit and,

to be fair, Jeremy Corbyn has been on about this for a very

long time and suddenly, lo and behold, David Gauke

the Pension Secretary said, "It's gone, it's free."

Which is good.

Yeah, but it's a small victory.

I know, but it's such a shit thing to do, it's really

good to stop doing it.

We shouldn't lose sight of that.

What are the big criticisms of Universal Credit?

It takes too long.

There is a six-week waiting list.

Some is up to ten weeks.

Right.

Yeah, and...

Well, I'll give you 12.

14!

I've read 16.

You can't be assessed...

You can't be assessed until you've had, if you're in work,

your first month's salary.

So they won't make a judgment on what you're to get,

so for six weeks sometimes, people are sitting with

absolutely no money.

JON: The problem isn't the system, it's that they don't want to pay

people who haven't got any money, because they have this belief that,

"Well, you should just get a job and work harder, then.

Why don't you?

"I was poor once for a weekend when Daddy didn't give me any money

"and I just got a job and now I'm a millionaire, "so why

doesn't everyone...?

"If you're poor, why don't you just get money?

"Get out in your bloody garden, grow your own food, "and just

become a millionaire. It's a piece of piss."

What did we learn about Conservative MP Tim Loughton this week?

He spends an hour in the bath. He thinks.

He does mindfulness in the bath. Does he?

That's good, that's good. He works on his policies.

Does he? He's a busy boy, isn't he?

He's a busy boy, isn't he?

But I don't understand, cos I think by the time you've been

in your bath for an hour, the bubbles have gone and it's cold.

It's really cold. Everything's wrinkly.

Yeah!

Yeah.

What?

More so for men.

The water's not cold if you leave the hot tap on.

Such wealth!

You, with your hot tap and your lace-up shoes.

I'm growing my own lobsters, Martin, don't you worry about me.

Many were quick to point out that baths can lead

to higher water bills, which might not worry

Loughton too much. Do you know why?

Because he claims it on expenses?

Yeah, he has charged more than ?650 in water bills

to the taxpayer since 2015.

When the newspaper asked for a comment on this, he said...

So another busy day for him, then.

Tell that to Snow White.

Photographs of another MP in the bath were recently leaked.

Do we know?

Really?

This is Vince Cable.

Yes.

After his wife, who's said to have taken them,

sent the pictures to be printed.

Who does that any more, anyway?

Well, quite!

Do you want to have a look at them?

Yes!

Yeah, yeah!

Well, you can't.

We haven't got them.

JON: I assume you can't see him anyway.

And according to the Times, you couldn't see any

of the good stuff anyway.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

Vince was approached for a statement

on this story and I think we do have that.

So this is the heated debate over a possible no-deal Brexit scenario.

Insisting that the UK had to pay its fair share of the Brexit bill,

Jean-Claude Juncker said...

Which is all very well, but 50 billion euros for 28 pints?!

Who had the Peroni?

Also this week, the latest plans for constituency boundary

changes were announced.

Under the proposals...

And following consultations with the DUP, Northern Ireland

will go from 18, right down to 62.

Paul and Kirsty, take a look at this.

There's a person reacting in some sort of terror, because...

There's a person reacting in some sort of terror, because...

The orange sky, orange sky over London and in the South East

and the hurricane there.

The red was the kind of dust, wasn't it, coming from the Sahara?

Yes.

Ophelia.

Yeah.

Is that the name of the hurricane?

Some of them are less scary. Yes.

Hurricane Colin...

..I wasn't too bothered about, really.

Hurricane Boris. Hurricane Boris.

Hot air. Hot air, wind...

God!

Hot air, wind and God, actually his three...

..personal attributes.

It's the first time we sort of see a red sky,

and usually, we joke, "Oh, it's the end of the world,"

and this was the first time you go out and think,

"Oh, yeah, that seems about right."

What were you doing when the red sky came?

I'd just had lunch.

I went to a little tea room called the Secret Garden Cafe

with my daughter and wife, and I saw the red sky,

and then I doused them all in petrol and we set fire to ourselves.

Some people joked that it was the end of the world,

but others didn't joke, because they knew it was

the end of the world.

Do you know who they were?

A religious group that's been predicting a red sky

for many, many years?

A planet called Nibiru.

It's what believers call the rogue planet, which is approaching Earth

from the outer solar system.

But this theory has been dismissed by Nasa and by Christianity Today,

which described one Nibiru advocate as...

Which is quite a bold stance for a religious magazine.

Apart from the red skies, do you know anything else that

Hurricane Ophelia brought to our shores?

A little clue that - shores.

Rail chaos. What?

I read the headline, hurricane means rail chaos,

and I thought, "How do you tell here?"

The trains are being blown through quickly so they're actually

reaching Charing Cross at the...

At the right time!

Yeah.

That's the chaos.

Sea creatures?

Yes.

Jellyfish.

Oh, in Brighton, yes.

Portuguese man o' war.

That's a Portuguese man o' war? No, that's a plastic bag.

We should enjoy it now, it's going home shortly.

Now, who were people hoping might make a comeback

in reporting of this storm?

Michael Fish.

Was he found?

No, he wasn't...

Washed up on a beach somewhere?

No, they were hoping that the Irish reporter Teresa Mannion,

who reported on Storm Desmond...

Would you like to see her doing that?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

She's really good.

Cannot repeat the advice often enough from the Gardai -

don't make unnecessary journeys, don't take risks on treacherous

roads, and don't swim in the sea.

LAUGHTER.

And high winds caused severe disruption to air traffic,

but what caused an easyJet flight from Majorca to Luton to make

an emergency landing?

No pilot. That's Ryanair.

Oh.

Did they discover something on board?

A snake.

They did, they discovered... A spider?

No?

A smell event. Oh, yes!

That's how the airline described it.

A co-pilot was overcome by the smell from a leakage of hydraulic fluid.

Also in the world of plane travel, what happened to Flight 666

last Friday the 13th?

It arrived upside down and became Flight 999.

No, I think it managed its flight successfully,

but it was flying to "hell".

It's the Finnish airline flight to Helsinki,

but the ticket reads like this...

Now, elsewhere in travel news, what award did the Heston service

station on the eastbound side of the M4 win this week?

Worst services in the country.

Yes!

Which it isn't.

Isn't it? No.

It's ridiculous.

I mean, you shouldn't be using Heston, anyway.

It's in such a built-up area.

Just come off the M4 and find a suburban petrol station.

If you're paying petrol station prices in a built-up area,

as far as I'm concerned, you deserve everything you get.

You lack the basic intelligence to find a petrol station that is 15%

cheaper and maybe offering a supermarket dividend on a sort

of Nectar card or something.

This isn't Heston Blumenthal's station, no?

JON: No.

No, he's named after the service station...

Ah...

..his parents liked it so much.

One online review described it as...

While another simply said...

The home of rank toilets.

The sort of people who leave an online review for

a service station aren't to be trusted, anyway.

The top two was Reading, wasn't it?

Reading was one.

I mean, carry on half a mile and come off that junction 12,

massive Sainsbury's there, so...

What are you doing?

Go in, get a cheaper sandwich, get Nectar points,

there's a big Next there, if you need some new clothes,

there's a drive-through McDonald's.

These people just don't understand the way to live

on the roads of this country.

Beaconsfield not in the top five. It's got a bloody Wetherspoon's!

What is wrong with these people?

I mean, they call Stephen Fry a polymath, but you...

He's Renaissance man!

Now, Lyme service station... Lyme off the M6...

Can we have an eclipse?

..it's got a barber's. You can have your hair cut.

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling this week launched a new fleet

of high-speed trains from Bristol to London.

He got on board, he hailed it as a fantastic service.

Do you know what happened next?

It was 20 minutes late and the air conditioning broke down,

so there was lots of water flooding down into one of the carriages.

Yes, but wonderful value, at only ?204 return.

Let the train take the strain, let the train companies take the piss.

A far more popular train service with children is to be upgraded.

Anybody?

Thomas.

Yes. Thomas The Tank Engine.

Yes. Chris Grayling is joining the cast.

Chris the Useless Transport Secretary.

He goes around and around in circles and then blows up.

So

So now.

It's a female train.

Yes, half of the next series will take place abroad

and there will be female engines, including Nia, Rebecca and Gina.

And a female pop star's also been linked with Thomas.

Any idea who? Is it Paul McCartney?

No, it's Beyonce.

This is the work of TheAzariah fusing the theme tune from Thomas

the Tank Engine with Beyonce.

MUSIC: Thomas the Tank Engine theme

APPLAUSE.

That's All The Single Ladies and all the day-return

ladies as well.

Thank you.

Are they hand signals for if there's a replacement bus service?

"Beyonce pulled into the station, "but the passengers weren't

"ready for the jelly."

Kirsty, have you ever been on the Flying Scotsman,

the beautiful train?

No, I wish I had. Yes, I'd like to go on it, too.

It took a journey the other day and some train spotters waited

for an hour to catch a glimpse of the mighty steam train.

Let's have a look how that went for them.

Oh, look at this. Would you believe it?

Oh, bloody hell!

This was the apocalyptic precursor to the end of days,

according to Twitter, or a bit of dust, according

to scientists at the Met Office.

Gusts of up to 80mph caused havoc at airports.

One Ryanair flight was even blown into the sky.

According to the Times...

..which is it a surprise.

He normally enjoys getting blown across the Atlantic.

LAUGHTER AND BOOING Boo!

Thanks, everyone.

So at the end of that round, Paul and Kirsty have two points.

And Ian and Jon have two points.

APPLAUSE.

And so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER.

There's another royal baby on the way?

Yes.

Judging by the fact you've stuck a crown on a baby!

KIRSTY: William Hague.

LAUGHTER.

JON: I think it's remarkable that these scans

are so in detail these days.

This is the news that the Duchess of Cambridge is definitely having

the baby she told us she was going to have

a few months ago.

So excited by the news, the BBC's correspondent,

Simon McCoy, made this announcement.

Their Royal Highnessess the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge

are delighted to confirm they are expecting a baby in April.

Now, bearing in mind they announced that she was pregnant back

in September and it was thought she was around two or three months

pregnant, I'm not sure how much news this really is.

But anyway, it's April, so put it in your diaries.

Get the time booked off - because that's what I'm doing!

APPLAUSE.

I love that!

Yes, so what does excite Simon McCoy?

He's a hard man to please.

Let's have a look.

You're watching BBC News.

Just bear in mind it is August.

This does not look like a walk in the park.

Dog owners and their pets in California have hit the waves

in the second annual World Dog Surfing Championships.

Here is the piece...

Does anybody know what he did with a ream of A4 printer paper in 2013?

Yes.

He held it as if it was sort of like an iPad thing.

Let's have a look.

Good morning and welcome to BBC News.

Plans to privately run drunk tanks to tackle alcohol-fuelled disorder

have been backed by police chiefs.

How has he kept his job?

He's on the BBC News Channel, so nobody is really

taking that much notice.

Any thoughts on possible names?

Do you know what the bookies' favourites are?

Do we know if it's a boy or a girl?

No, we don't, so there's choices for both sexes.

Lesley!

It could have a unisex name.

Is it Colin?

Lesley?

Lesley's a unisex name.

Yes.

That's why I keep saying it.

I think it should be Colin. It's time for King Colin.

According to the Daily Mail, if it's a girl it's...

PAUL LAUGHS.

They have no idea!

Not a clue.

They just picked out three names.

Here are some names. Here are some names.

And here are some names for a boy.

They're just other names that other royals have had once.

Yeah.

They're not going to say it's going to be called

Chardonnay Beyonce or...Simon.

What will the baby definitely not be called if this year's naming

statistics are anything to go by?

Ian. Oh!

Ian? Is that an unpopular name?

Ian.

KIRSTY: Oh, no!

It's impossible.

I see that as a personal tribute.

There's only one.

Yeah.

Along with Frank and Clarence.

Cilla is the least-popular choice for a girl, followed

by Bertha and Cynthia.

Or other names that are dying out are Nigel.

No baby boys in the UK were named Nigel last year.

Something which has been blamed on Nigel Farage's part

in the Brexit campaign.

James McGrory of the pro-EU Open Britain said...

I think it's a good balance.

No Nigels.

Too Brexity.

No Remoaning Ians.

WOMAN: Aw...

Thank you.

Farage responded himself and said...

Do you know what the name Nigel means?

It's an Irish name meaning champion.

Although champion is actually a Latin word meaning loser of seven

parliamentary elections.

LAUGHTER.

It doesn't sound quite the same,

Nigel The Wonder Horse, does it? Remember that series?

So this is the thrilling news that the Duchess

of Cambridge is having a baby.

Also this week, Brian Blessed has revealed that he once

heard the Queen use...

I'm guessing the context was, "Oh, lock, it's that

"Brian Blessed again!"

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL.

Pole dancing.

Yes.

It's not in any way sexual, as this picture proves!

It is a proper accredited sport requiring gymnastic

ability and a beard.

And it's going to be an Olympic sport.

Is it going to be an Olympic sport?

Yeah, I think there's talk about it being an Olympic sport.

I mean, golf was in, wasn't it?

Yes. Last year.

I mean, if golf's a sport...

..I mean, just about anything is.

Uno!

I'd play that at the Olympics.

That'd be really good fun.

More athletic than golf.

Would you like to see some competitive pole dancing?

Yes, I think we're being unnecessarily rude.

Not in this programme.

I just said, "Do you want to come and see it?"

APPLAUSE.

After the show, you and me.

Martin knows a place.

Got my name on the door.

Yes. Well, let's have a look at it.

MUSIC AND CHEERING CROWD CLAPS ALONG WITH BEAT.

Where do they tuck their money?

Do you know what the origins of pole dancing are?

Very self-confident firemen.

In the USA, what were pole dancers called when they performed

In the USA, what were pole dancers called when they performed

in travelling fairs in the 1920s?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Pole dancers!

That's terrible.

Log ladies.

No, hoochie coochie dancers, according to

a history of pole dancing.

Hoochie coochies?

Hoochie coochie dancers.

Could have brought the house down!

LAUGHTER AND SIGHS.

Thank you.

Also, in what international competition did the UK score

a surprise victory over France this week?

Wine tasting? Yes.

Out of 24 countries, France came 11th, nine

places below the UK, which was second.

JON: Was it done on volume?

APPLAUSE.

This is the news that pole dancing may become an Olympic event.

If it does, it'll be the first ever instance of bringing

a sport into repute.

Pole dancing is a serious sport that deserves serious recognition,

according to the head of the World Dancing Federation,

Ivana Getyourkitoff.

Oh, Martin.

What?!

Which means, at the end of this round, Paul and Kirsty have three

and Ian and Jon have three, as well.

That's exciting.

APPLAUSE.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Ian and Jon, your four are...

Cronus the tarantula, Her Majesty The Queen,

Andy Warhol and a cougar on the loose in Mississippi.

I know the spider is kept by the Tory Chief Whip,

Gavin Williamson.

There was a story that if you were a Tory and you were

going to vote the wrong way, he got you into the office

and basically scared you by saying, "I've got a tarantula."

And they're going, "I've got people much more poisonous

"than that working for me."

Does Andy Warhol's dog scare people?

Prisoner of Zenda, kind of thing. Prisoner of Zenda?

Are you saying they're duplicates? I think the scary thing...

Ah!

..might be a bit of a distraction, yes.

So he's got two spiders?

That does look like a waxwork of Andy Warhol, rather than...

Oh, is it a fake spider?

What is the odd one out, Ian?

We know he's talking to you because there's no other

Ians in the country!

It must be you.

APPLAUSE.

So they've all got doubles. Except?

Except, oh, I don't know, the cougar.

Yes!

Oh!

APPLAUSE.

Very good.

They've all been replaced by stand-ins except a cougar

on the loose in Mississippi this week, with was replaced

by an impostor.

Fox News reporter Scott Madaus was sent to investigate sightings

of a big cat on the loose in Hernando, Mississippi

and thought he'd got lucky.

Let's have a look at his live report from the scene.

I'm Scott Madaus, live in Hernando, Mississippi, where there's been

spottings of a cougar - and that's not it.

That looks like a house cat, although we're just feet away

from where a local man made his cellphone video

of what some say is a cougar.

I'll be right back with a live report.

I love the way he goes, "Sightings of a cougar...

"and that's not..."

Cronus, the tarantula, belongs to Tory Chief Whip Gavin Williamson.

To evade the House of Commons' strict rules against pets,

Williamson throws inspectors off the scent with a decoy soft toy

spider in a Perspex box.

He sounds fun, doesn't he?

Anyone know where the name Cronus comes from?

It's Greek god. Time.

What did he do? What did he do?

That was notable? He ate his own children.

After...? After giving birth to them.

Castrating his father and throwing his testicles into the sea.

Ooh!

So The Jeremy Kyle Show's been going for quite some time.

Andy Warhol sent his friend Allen Midgette, wearing a blond wig,

to give talks on his behalf as he thought he was

"more entertaining".

Who pretends to be the Queen? Who's her stand-in?

I don't know who stands in for her, but I know who stands in her shoes

because whenever she gets new shoes she has a woman who

wears them in for her.

Well, who doesn't do that?

This is Ella Slack, who acts as her stand-in during rehearsals

for big events like Trooping of the Colour or the opening of a

new Nando's or something like that.

Do you know what Ella is forbidden from doing when she's

standing-in for the Queen?

She's not meant to pass any legislation.

She's not allowed to pass anything.

Due to strict protocol, she's never allowed to sit on the throne.

Instead she has to...

We're not allowed to show you any footage of Ella

We're not allowed to show you any footage of Ella

hovering above the throne, but here's an artist's impression.

The Archbishop of Canterbury's looking well, isn't he?

She is not the only Queen to be rumoured to have a replacement.

Historically speaking, Queens of England...?

Replacements? Queen Elizabeth I?

It was Elizabeth I.

According to some historians, Elizabeth I died of the plague aged

ten and to avoid causing a lot of problems, was

permanently replaced by...

Not Ian? No Ian's, no.

It's a bit bonkers, but on a scale of one to David Icke,

that's probably about a three.

Now, finally, what body double scandal has caught the attention

of social media this week?

Melania Trump. Yes!

There's a picture of her and she's covered up.

I mean, to be fair, a lot of her face isn't her

original face, anyway.

And then she covered the rest with glasses

and a hat and everyone said, "That can't be Melania Trump."

And to help people throw them off the scent, Donald Trump said,

"That's my wife Melania Trump "and it's definitely her

"and she's stood behind me."

Shall we have a look at the picture?

So we are studying the national emergency right now.

Believe it or not, doing national emergency, as you understand,

is a very big statement.

We will be doing that.

My wife Melania, who happens to be right here, finds that subject

of such vital importance...

Could she be a Russian spy?

She's got the glasses and the trench coat.

She's got the look of a sort of foreign agent.

It's definitely her, because she carries that same

expression of, "I can't believe I've made such terrible

decisions in my life."

I don't think her hair looks right, either.

It is her.

But she has got shades on so that she doesn't give him daggers.

Of all the things that are wrong in that picture,

her hair is the least of my worries.

But it was her, I think, wasn't it?

I don't think it was at all, actually, no.

If you look at the...

Wasn't there another picture to put it up against?

I think the nostrils are different.

It looks like a sort of Melania mask that you'd hold up.

Does it matter?

I mean, it barely matters that he's there, let alone...

Still, it's interesting.

It isn't.

I'm not being critical.

Paul and Kirsty, here are yours.

Albert Einstein.

Paul and Kirsty, here are yours.

Albert Einstein.

Buzz Aldrin.

Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon.

And Lord Byron.

Relativity, looking at the planets, he's been on another planet,

he is on another planet.

When you say he's been on another planet,

are you referring to the moon?

Yes.

Right.

LAUGHTER.

Is that a Newsnight exclusive?

OK, so he has been on a floating body that is not the Earth.

Some astronomers have discovered that there is some particle wave

which Einstein predicted and have now observed that

for the first time.

It must be something to do with...

The gravity wave.

The gravity wave, yeah.

No.

They all wear too many of something you usually wear one of.

Except Albert Einstein, who didn't wear any socks whatsoever.

There.

You didn't know that, did you?

No.

You don't know anything about Einstein's dislike of socks?

Did you know about that? He had big toes.

His big toes were really long.

He once wrote a letter to his future wife Elsa...

What did Lord Byron wear to excess? An air of romantic despondency?

He wore extra waistcoats, several waistcoats at the same time

to try and sweat off the excess fat he gained from eating

all those burgers.

Well, he wouldn't have looked fat if he'd taken some

of the waistcoats off.

Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin likes to wear up to three watches at once.

Do you know why? Different time zones?

No, no, he says he wears three watches because...

He may have only been the second man to walk on the moon,

but what first can he claim?

The first man to see a man walking on the moon.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

According to the National Geographic,

Buzz was the first man...

One giant leak for mankind.

So they all wear too many of something you usually wear

one of, except Albert Einstein, who didn't wear any socks whatsoever

because his big toes were abnormally long.

Buzz Aldrin is so obsessed about being only the second man

Buzz Aldrin is so obsessed about being only the second man

on the moon that he tries to compensate in other ways.

Though wearing two heavy watches on the same wrist tends to backfire

as people just say to him, "Wow, your arm's strong."

Which means...

..at the end of this round its three points to Paul and Kirsty

and five to Ian and Jon.

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features,

as its guest publication, The Progressive Orthodontist.

Always a great relief when that comes out.

We start with...

JON: Crashes time machine.

Appears on Bayeux Tapestry.

Ah, yes, I was nearly right.

Did he?

This is a Wayne Rooney Nazi lookalike spotted in

a World War II documentary.

Wow!

I think his name's Herr Transplant.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING Next...

LAUGHTER AND GROANING Next...

Angering Tory whip.

Sets fire to house.

Yes!

Fireman said that all the contents of the house had been destroyed,

apart from one creme brulee, which was perfect.

Next...

Host next week's Have I Got News For You.

Sing I'm So lonely.

He went shoe shopping.

Kim Yong-Un is very proud of his shoe collection,

particularly the ones which still have his

uncle's feet in them.

Next...

"I'm going to call my twins Ian and Ian."

JON: I floss twice daily and I love my dentist.

Is that an answer or are you just...?

Next...

Stroke

Stroke absolutely

It sounds like an anagram of my name, doesn't it?

KIRSTY: They're causing global warming.

Yes.

They release more gas than 20,000 cows.

This is news that clams in the Baltic Sea generate

an enormous amount of methane.

Another cause for the strong smell of farts in the sea

is that the mussels are too relaxed!

This was a dog that was given some drugs

on a trip to the vet.

And here he is in the car.

Paul and Kirsty have six points.

And Ian and Jon also have six points.

And on that note, we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark.

And I leave you with news that, to clean up their position

on Brexit once and for all, the Labour Party present

one spokesman for Leave and one for Remain.

In Brussels, one delegate is asked to give a hint as to how close

we are to a Brexit deal.

And managers at Middlesex Hospital are delighted with their choice

of celebrity guest to open the new prostate unit.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Harry Styles, everybody!

Throughout this special show,