Have I Got 2017 News for You Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening!

-Welcome to

-Have

-I

-Got

-News

-For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

I'm Mel Giedroyc.

I'm David Tennant, and in the news this year...

In Westminster, there's joy for Michael Gove

as he's finally given a Cabinet role that suits his abilities

while still challenging him.

Would you like a cup of tea?

LAUGHTER

At a holiday resort in the Mediterranean,

Ed Balls suddenly spots George Osborne.

In Central London, BBC arts editor Will Gompertz

struggles with the weight of his massive frontal lobe.

LAUGHTER

And in the Midlands, James Dyson's less successful brothers

try to get in on the act.

-IAN:

-The British public have spoken.

And no-one knows what they've said.

The British public don't like being told what to think

and they don't like people getting above themselves,

so Mrs May just got a huge slap.

"I'll take half your majority away. Shut up."

Don't you think it's time to get rid of the British public?

I mean...

LAUGHTER

Now, it was an amazing night for Jeremy Corbyn.

Alan, you described him as "useless, incompetent and incapable."

-Er...

-You're reading things into that. This is...

And it's...

Jeremy was very pleased.

He attempted a high five with Emily Thornberry.

-Shall we have a look?

-Yes, let's have a look at that.

-Yes.

Well, almost a victory party...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC

during an interview about funding police recruitment.

-What's she gone and done?

-Well, they had an idea

that they thought would work, which is having 10,000 more police.

The Labour Party! Normally that's what the Tories say,

but this time Labour thought they'd try it.

-But unfortunately they got Diane out.

-Yes.

She got the numbers wrong, didn't she? She gave an amount

-which would mean they were paying £30 per year per policeman.

-Yes.

So they said, "Is that right?" She said, "No.

"I didn't mean £300,000 - I meant £80 million."

She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott.

I think it's mathematics she hasn't got.

If you've got figures that are complete bollocks

and you don't know what you're talking about,

you don't trot them out on a radio show.

You slap them on the side of a bus, and you drive...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm already worried I've made too many jokes about Theresa May

and not enough about Jeremy Corbyn.

Mind you, you say a bad thing about Jeremy Corbyn,

you get enough shit on the internet if you're not Jewish, so...

..I think I'll leave it.

We have got Jeremy Corbyn on Women's Hour.

-Just not getting the figures at all.

-Let's see.

How much will it cost to provide un-means-tested childcare

for 1.3 million children?

Er, it will cost, er...

It will obviously cost a lot to do so.

-I presume you have the figures.

-Yes, I do.

-So how much will it cost?

-I'll give you the figure in a moment.

You don't know it?

Er...

You're logging into your iPad, here.

It's a major policy, and you don't know how much it will cost?

Can I give you the exact figure in a moment?

You're flicking through your manifesto, you've got an iPad there,

you've had a phone call while we were in here,

and you don't know how much it's going to cost?

Can we come back to that in a moment?

Anyone can lose the bit of...

I mean, if you're a vicar, everyone always expects you

to be able to quote chapter and verse from the Bible,

but you don't hold the information in that way.

So it's "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery," you know.

Tiny detail.

The Gospel according to Shrek, I don't know.

We've just heard that Theresa May's

pulled out of doing Women's Hour herself,

she's been replaced by Justine Greening. What do you think of that?

Do you know that's in the same studio as Saturday Live?

So I'll be detecting signs of nervousness on the seats

when I go in.

That's really disgusting.

It's another edition of I Didn't Know A Vicar Would Say That!

This is the news of the humiliating victory for Theresa May.

Not quite all of the results are in yet.

As we speak, the largest party

is being held by students in Sheffield,

where Nick Clegg lost his seat.

After Theresa May missed the debate,

the Mirror referred to the absent Prime Minister as:

You can order Chicken Theresa May in a restaurant near me.

It's thin-skinned, boneless, and refuses to be grilled.

-PAUL:

-Ah, yes, this is the bozo of the Western world.

He tweeted a word...

Covfefe.

Would you support, if somebody...

Um...

Is it right to hit him?

-APPLAUSE

-Just once. In the face.

Just once.

This was the early hours of Wednesday morning, he tweeted:

..and left it at that.

Do you think he was trying to spell "kerfuffle"?

-No, coverage.

-Must be coverage.

-This is what somebody said on Twitter.

They made a sort of dictionary entry where they wrote:

Did you see what the Eurostar did?

LAUGHTER

What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?

-That he doesn't have one.

-That's right.

-He doesn't do any.

-No.

-He believes that in order to live longer,

we should not do any exercise.

This is good news.

He met the Pope in the Vatican.

Donald thought that he and the Pope got on really well

because they had one thing in common.

-Do you know what that is?

-Humility.

That is right.

-That is the answer.

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

You're not known to be a humble man, but I wonder...

I think I am actually humble.

I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.

Look at Mike Pence's face.

He's thinking, "What did he just say?!"

"Just have a heart attack so I can get the job."

The five surviving ex-presidents of the USA all appeared at a fundraiser

for the One America appeal for hurricane relief.

What led George W Bush and Barack Obama

to snigger behind Bill Clinton's back?

Oh, I don't know.

Journalist Simon Ricketts thinks Obama is laughing

because Bush is pretending his arms are Bill Clinton's arms.

..calamitous disaster.

But can be a new beginning...

LAUGHTER

That's amazing, isn't it?

Isn't that amazing?

What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas?

Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations?

I mean, Melania thinks they're... MIMICS MELANIA: ..very beautiful.

Let's have a look.

I think the look is Nuclear Winterval.

There were ballerinas just dancing for her as she stood there.

I mean, if it were any more Freudian,

she'd just be in a withered chair in the corner

just rocking back and forth. Just her face, it just...

You know that that contractually obliged hand job

is around the corner.

That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner.

-She is an innocent gold digger caught up in a dangerous game.

-Yeah.

Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.

He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining

he'd simply mixed up the two real countries

of Gambia and Narnia.

Oh, here's the former prime minister.

Depends when you're watching. Oh, someone's coughing.

-CROAKILY:

-..dealing with our debts...

SHE COUGHS

I know a lot of people who are probably nicer than me

felt very sorry for her.

But I thought it was very, very funny.

It's a bad sign when a cough sweet goes down better than you do.

What advice did Michael Heseltine offer May

regarding what she should do about Boris?

Sack him.

Yes, that's certainly in the territory,

but we have a clip of this.

Let's enjoy some brave clothing choices.

Where would you put Boris? If you were in Theresa May's position

and you were going to reshuffle, where would you put Boris Johnson?

Mongolia? Somewhere like that.

They don't make patricians like that any more.

-He matches his plant in that clip.

-Of course!

LAUGHTER

That's amazing.

Yes. This is not his first rodeo.

-She can't sack Boris.

-Why?

Because if she sacks him he gets to walk away from Brexit

while simultaneously being able to claim that

if he'd stayed in the government

it all would have gone much better than it's clearly going to go.

She can't allow him the pleasure.

He's essentially an arsonist

-who wants to come back dressed as a fireman.

-Yes.

"Where's the fire?"

Theresa May's premiership has been under threat for a while,

but this must be the first time

that the "coffin" itself could be the final nail.

Oh, hummus. Yes, there's a hummus shortage.

There's a man, unbelievably, "No hummus! No hummus!"

Er, yes, there's been a huge drought of hummus. It's run out.

The man who produces it, Hugh Muss, has said that...

It's gone missing.

For those of us in the liberal metropolitan elite,

this is more of a disaster even than Brexit.

Yep. So you're quite right.

Why have Sainsbury's, Tesco's and Marks and Sparks

withdrawn hummus from their shelves?

People complained it tasted funny. Metallic.

-And fizzy.

-Fizzy, yes!

Fizzy.

What else have shoppers reacted to in amazement?

Oh, Blue Riband not going to be made...

Is that the one? Jobs going at Blue Riband?

-The jobs are moving.

-Moving.

-Yeah. So Nestle has said...

-To a different country, I think.

-Yeah. They're going to move

300 biscuit-making jobs from Britain to Poland.

And social media was set alight

by people baffled and upset that a biscuit

they'd always thought was called Blue Ribbon is called Blue Riband.

-Why did people think it was called Blue Ribbon?

-I have no idea.

-It's been called that since 1936.

-It has!

Consumers were so deeply traumatised...

PAUL LAUGHS

-..they went online to vent their horror.

-Oh, dear.

Yeah, of course they did. Becka wrote:

In other food-related news,

Worcester Cathedral has been criticised

for blessing a bundle of asparagus

accompanied by St George and Gus - as in Aspara Gus -

who's...

Who has been a fixture of the asparagus festival in Worcester

since 2008.

He's actually the fifth person to wear the asparagus costume.

The first four were strangled by a big blue elastic band.

Self-effacing rock star who pays too much tax, according to him.

Lewis Hamilton... I can't remember which is the good one,

it's either avoidance or evasion.

It's a subtle difference, isn't it?

-You'll get sued if you say the wrong one.

-Oh, right.

So go on.

I'll mention your name as I'm passing through the legal system.

You're talking about millions and billions,

and in the case of Lewis Hamilton, who is extremely wealthy...

Isn't he meant to be the richest sportsman of all now?

Yeah, I suppose so. He doesn't have to be particularly fit,

doing what he does.

He sits in a car and points it in that direction.

He doesn't even build the car.

He's like an Uber driver who goes a bit quicker, that's all.

It's the leak of the Paradise Papers.

-Yes.

-Other famous individuals are named,

not just Lewis Hamilton. What's Bono done?

He bought a shopping centre?

He bought a shopping centre in beautiful Lithuania.

-Here it is.

-Via a holding company in Malta.

-I've actually been there.

-What, to that shopping centre?

Yes. I spent ages trying to shop,

but I still couldn't find what I was looking for.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

The way that photograph is framed is a bit unusual

cos you can't see The Edge. Do you see?

He issued a statement. What did that say?

"Fuck the lot of you."

-That's the House of Commons.

-Sexminster.

Oh, no, that's the House of Commons.

And he's off. The former defence secretary.

Where are the Lib Dems? That's what I want to know in this sex scandal.

Normally they are way in the front in any sex scandal,

and they've been left trailing.

There's not enough of them any more.

They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders.

A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it?

It would be a push.

The Times published a redacted version of the list.

A damning indictment of MPs' behaviour,

or, if you prefer, a fun-packed Missing Words Round.

I mean, here's one, for example.

Clothing, presumably.

-Perfume.

-Women's suffrage banners.

Yes, that's...

OK, try the next one.

Own sweets.

That's just sensible.

It's "personal trainer".

-Some of this is not high-level crime, is it?

-No, no, it's...

-Compared to, say, Putin or Trump.

-But if I can just say,

as the only representative of the female gender here today,

I know it's not high-level,

but it doesn't have to be high-level

for women to feel under siege in somewhere like the House of Commons.

And actually for women, if you're constantly being harassed

even in a small way, that builds up.

And that wears you down.

APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING

There is a wide range of behaviour on offer.

One MP is described as:

-What, can he drive?

-I don't know.

I thought maybe it meant he'd hold your chips

while you throw up out the window.

That's what I'm looking for in a man, anyway.

What a showbiz life you lead, Jo.

I tell you, Paul, you should come out with me for the night.

It's marvellous.

Er, what did the list have to say about Amber Rudd?

Oh, she'd had an affair, a post-marital affair,

with another MP,

and he wasn't married either.

-So what...?

-They're very Puritan...

-They are.

-..this particular

bunch of researchers. It was just put on the list.

"Enjoying life."

What's the real scandal associated with Amber Rudd?

It's not this traffic light joke, is it?

It is the traffic light joke, yes.

Er, about a year ago, Paul Merton made this joke.

If Amber Rudd married someone called Green,

she'd be like a traffic light. Amber Rudd Green.

Just occurred to me, that's all.

And then, eight months later, Labour's Alan Johnson said this.

Am I the only one who thinks

Amber Rudd sounds like a traffic light sequence?

So...

So if she stood for the Green Party,

it'd be Amber Rudd, Green.

It's like the Highway Code.

I said that on the programme about eight months ago!

That's incredible.

-But it turns out the gag's even older than that.

-Really?

Here is some footage from series one.

OLD-FASHIONED MUSIC PLAYS

Ahh.

I was wrong.

This is the sex scandal engulfing Westminster.

According to the redacted dossier:

Why are these jobs never advertised?

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

this is the Queen and Prince Philip showing why they get on so well.

It's their 70th wedding anniversary, I think -

1947.

According to the royal biographer Ingrid Seward,

the secret to their happy marriage is that:

What do you think they might laugh about?

Us.

"Fools."

Well, Ingrid said the Queen is "a wonderful mimic"

and is "particularly good at a Liverpudlian accent."

No!

Fingers on the buzzers, teams

for the no-expense-spent Phil And Liz Quiz.

The royal couple received 2,583 wedding presents,

but what did they get 76 of?

Toasters.

Nope. 76 people gave them handkerchiefs.

-LIVERPOOL ACCENT:

-Hey, Phil, look at all these hankies we got.

Ingrid also revealed that the couple share a bedroom,

but Prince Philip also has his own in case:

I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988.

He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as. He said:

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-BELL

-Pole dancing.

Yes.

It's not in any way sexual,

as this picture proves.

It is a proper accredited sport,

requiring gymnastic ability and a beard.

-And it's going to be an Olympic sport.

-Is it?

I think there's talk about it being an Olympic sport.

Would you like to see some competitive pole dancing?

Yes, I think we're being unnecessarily rude.

Not on this programme, I'm just saying...

In the USA, what were pole dancers called

when they performed in travelling fairs in the 1920s?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Pole dancers.

In what international competition

did Britain score a surprise win over France this week?

-Wine tasting.

-Yes.

Out of 24 countries, France came 11th,

nine places below the UK, which was second.

Was it done on volume?

This is the news that pole dancing may become an Olympic event.

If it does, it'll be the first-ever instance

of bringing a sport INTO repute.

BUZZER

This is a wildlife documentary.

This is an iguana running away from snakes

and it was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage

and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends, days, forever

trying to get this stuff.

And somebody complained because there's a cutaway to another iguana,

a sort of close-up thing,

and they said this is cheating somehow,

as if you can make an iguana...

"Sorry, love, we missed that - can we do it again?"

So I don't understand why people are confused about how films are made.

How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana?

Well, because...

I don't know. Maybe it had a hat on or something.

"Up the Gunners." I don't know. He had a badge.

"Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?"

No, I think it was a protest registered by the snakes.

Er...cos they're shown in this film to be incompetent.

-Very poor light.

-There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana

and they're so useless, they don't get anywhere near him.

And the iguana escapes.

And I think they protested,

saying, "The footage is completely faked. We won the encounter."

"And David Attenborough really should just resign."

Can we see the footage? It's so good.

You want to see the fakery row,

the scene including the lizard and the snake?

-Yeah.

-OK. Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's time now for the Odd One Out round.

Your four are:

The tiger mascot for the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,

Archimedes, Millicent Fawcett,

and Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ronaldo recently had a statue made of him,

so it's him looking funny or amused, I think.

-So it's about statues, I think.

-It is.

The mascot I don't know anything about

but I imagine it's a pretty grim mascot.

I think the statue was regarded as laughable,

and presumably there'll be...

I know there isn't yet a statue of Fawcett,

the rather impressive woman on the left

who was a suffragette in the 19th century,

-but Theresa May has promised that there will be a statue...

-Ah!

..of her in Parliament Square.

There is a statue of Archimedes.

There must be somewhere, presumably.

-But someone's objected to it.

-Oh, really?

So they're all statues that people have objected to

-apart from Fawcett...

-Who's not there yet.

..who's going to get a statue.

So she must be the odd one out.

Portugal, as you say, decided to honour Cristiano Ronaldo

by renaming Madeira Airport after him

and unveiling this bronze bust at one of its terminals.

A statue of the majestic, fearsome Sumatran tiger,

a mascot of the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,

went viral this week. Here it is.

What does he want from us?

Why did the statue end up looking

so unlike the ferocious beast it was supposed to resemble?

They couldn't get the head they wanted.

The spokesman said it was because the artist...

was not that good.

A nude statue of Archimedes is said to be distracting drivers

on a road in Basingstoke.

So let's settle this once and for all.

Do you find this distracting?

No, not really.

I didn't even know he was from Basingstoke.

APPLAUSE

So they are all the subject of a controversial statue

apart from Millicent Fawcett.

The offending naked statue of Archimedes

is outside the owner's house.

I'm told it's a large, impressive semi,

but don't know much about the house.

Time now for the Missing Words Round.

And we start with:

The Loch Ness Monster.

Hope.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was the Loch Ness Monster!

If you believe this story,

you really should take a long hard look in the mirror.

As they're the only paper that bothered to cover it.

Next:

Bulge in lie-detecting underpants.

Is it Eamonn Holmes?

Prince song.

# Really big courgette... #

Is that it?

Second World War bomb turns out to be really big courgette.

God, the Germans were desperate towards the end, weren't they?

Here's the courgette.

It was found in a garden in Bretten in Germany.

According to the BBC, once police had confirmed

it was just a five-kilo vegetable:

And sure enough, 24 hours later,

neighbours heard a massive explosion.

Next:

Is it marry a supermodel?

Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?

APPLAUSE

The answer is:

Which will premier at the Cannes Film Festival next week.

The pontiff's acting was praised,

but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying,

"Let there be lights, camera, action."

Next:

Meeting Scotsman in pub for a joke.

-Er, football.

-It is a football keepy-uppy contest.

Let's have a look.

-She's good!

-She's very good on the cross.

Finally:

Wife number eight.

She can't stand him.

This is Ron Sheppard, looking for wife number nine.

He's previously been married to:

I think we can pinpoint the moment when he discovered the internet.

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

"I still can't find Keith, but I've left him another note."

Mr Weinstein's office staff.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

Yeah, that's the one to finish the show on.

I leave you with news that in Brussels,

as world leaders gather for a photo opportunity,

Theresa May insists that the UK and United States

still have a special relationship.

LAUGHTER

In the basement of Labour Party HQ,

the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg

recovers from the knockout drops to be met with a worrying sight.

And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design

for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.

Goodnight.