Have I Got 2017 News for You Have I Got News for You


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Have I Got 2017 News for You

A compilation of the popular news quiz that looks back at the big news of 2017. With team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop and a variety of guest hosts and panellists.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening!

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-Welcome to

-Have

-I

-Got

-News

-For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

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I'm Mel Giedroyc.

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I'm David Tennant, and in the news this year...

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In Westminster, there's joy for Michael Gove

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as he's finally given a Cabinet role that suits his abilities

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while still challenging him.

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Would you like a cup of tea?

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LAUGHTER

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At a holiday resort in the Mediterranean,

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Ed Balls suddenly spots George Osborne.

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In Central London, BBC arts editor Will Gompertz

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struggles with the weight of his massive frontal lobe.

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LAUGHTER

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And in the Midlands, James Dyson's less successful brothers

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try to get in on the act.

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-IAN:

-The British public have spoken.

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And no-one knows what they've said.

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The British public don't like being told what to think

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and they don't like people getting above themselves,

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so Mrs May just got a huge slap.

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"I'll take half your majority away. Shut up."

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Don't you think it's time to get rid of the British public?

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I mean...

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LAUGHTER

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Now, it was an amazing night for Jeremy Corbyn.

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Alan, you described him as "useless, incompetent and incapable."

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-Er...

-You're reading things into that. This is...

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And it's...

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Jeremy was very pleased.

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He attempted a high five with Emily Thornberry.

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-Shall we have a look?

-Yes, let's have a look at that.

-Yes.

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Well, almost a victory party...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC

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during an interview about funding police recruitment.

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-What's she gone and done?

-Well, they had an idea

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that they thought would work, which is having 10,000 more police.

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The Labour Party! Normally that's what the Tories say,

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but this time Labour thought they'd try it.

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-But unfortunately they got Diane out.

-Yes.

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She got the numbers wrong, didn't she? She gave an amount

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-which would mean they were paying £30 per year per policeman.

-Yes.

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So they said, "Is that right?" She said, "No.

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"I didn't mean £300,000 - I meant £80 million."

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She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott.

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I think it's mathematics she hasn't got.

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If you've got figures that are complete bollocks

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and you don't know what you're talking about,

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you don't trot them out on a radio show.

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You slap them on the side of a bus, and you drive...

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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I'm already worried I've made too many jokes about Theresa May

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and not enough about Jeremy Corbyn.

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Mind you, you say a bad thing about Jeremy Corbyn,

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you get enough shit on the internet if you're not Jewish, so...

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..I think I'll leave it.

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We have got Jeremy Corbyn on Women's Hour.

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-Just not getting the figures at all.

-Let's see.

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How much will it cost to provide un-means-tested childcare

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for 1.3 million children?

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Er, it will cost, er...

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It will obviously cost a lot to do so.

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-I presume you have the figures.

-Yes, I do.

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-So how much will it cost?

-I'll give you the figure in a moment.

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You don't know it?

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Er...

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You're logging into your iPad, here.

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It's a major policy, and you don't know how much it will cost?

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Can I give you the exact figure in a moment?

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You're flicking through your manifesto, you've got an iPad there,

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you've had a phone call while we were in here,

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and you don't know how much it's going to cost?

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Can we come back to that in a moment?

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Anyone can lose the bit of...

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I mean, if you're a vicar, everyone always expects you

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to be able to quote chapter and verse from the Bible,

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but you don't hold the information in that way.

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So it's "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery," you know.

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Tiny detail.

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The Gospel according to Shrek, I don't know.

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We've just heard that Theresa May's

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pulled out of doing Women's Hour herself,

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she's been replaced by Justine Greening. What do you think of that?

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Do you know that's in the same studio as Saturday Live?

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So I'll be detecting signs of nervousness on the seats

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when I go in.

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That's really disgusting.

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It's another edition of I Didn't Know A Vicar Would Say That!

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This is the news of the humiliating victory for Theresa May.

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Not quite all of the results are in yet.

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As we speak, the largest party

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is being held by students in Sheffield,

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where Nick Clegg lost his seat.

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After Theresa May missed the debate,

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the Mirror referred to the absent Prime Minister as:

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You can order Chicken Theresa May in a restaurant near me.

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It's thin-skinned, boneless, and refuses to be grilled.

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-PAUL:

-Ah, yes, this is the bozo of the Western world.

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He tweeted a word...

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Covfefe.

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Would you support, if somebody...

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Um...

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Is it right to hit him?

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-APPLAUSE

-Just once. In the face.

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Just once.

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This was the early hours of Wednesday morning, he tweeted:

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..and left it at that.

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Do you think he was trying to spell "kerfuffle"?

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-No, coverage.

-Must be coverage.

-This is what somebody said on Twitter.

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They made a sort of dictionary entry where they wrote:

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Did you see what the Eurostar did?

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LAUGHTER

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What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?

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-That he doesn't have one.

-That's right.

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-He doesn't do any.

-No.

-He believes that in order to live longer,

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we should not do any exercise.

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This is good news.

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He met the Pope in the Vatican.

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Donald thought that he and the Pope got on really well

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because they had one thing in common.

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-Do you know what that is?

-Humility.

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That is right.

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-That is the answer.

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

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You're not known to be a humble man, but I wonder...

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I think I am actually humble.

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I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.

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Look at Mike Pence's face.

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He's thinking, "What did he just say?!"

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"Just have a heart attack so I can get the job."

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The five surviving ex-presidents of the USA all appeared at a fundraiser

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for the One America appeal for hurricane relief.

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What led George W Bush and Barack Obama

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to snigger behind Bill Clinton's back?

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Oh, I don't know.

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Journalist Simon Ricketts thinks Obama is laughing

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because Bush is pretending his arms are Bill Clinton's arms.

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..calamitous disaster.

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But can be a new beginning...

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LAUGHTER

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That's amazing, isn't it?

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Isn't that amazing?

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What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas?

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Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations?

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I mean, Melania thinks they're... MIMICS MELANIA: ..very beautiful.

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Let's have a look.

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I think the look is Nuclear Winterval.

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There were ballerinas just dancing for her as she stood there.

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I mean, if it were any more Freudian,

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she'd just be in a withered chair in the corner

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just rocking back and forth. Just her face, it just...

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You know that that contractually obliged hand job

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is around the corner.

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That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner.

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-She is an innocent gold digger caught up in a dangerous game.

-Yeah.

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Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.

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He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining

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he'd simply mixed up the two real countries

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of Gambia and Narnia.

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Oh, here's the former prime minister.

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Depends when you're watching. Oh, someone's coughing.

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-CROAKILY:

-..dealing with our debts...

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SHE COUGHS

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I know a lot of people who are probably nicer than me

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felt very sorry for her.

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But I thought it was very, very funny.

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It's a bad sign when a cough sweet goes down better than you do.

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What advice did Michael Heseltine offer May

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regarding what she should do about Boris?

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Sack him.

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Yes, that's certainly in the territory,

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but we have a clip of this.

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Let's enjoy some brave clothing choices.

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Where would you put Boris? If you were in Theresa May's position

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and you were going to reshuffle, where would you put Boris Johnson?

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Mongolia? Somewhere like that.

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They don't make patricians like that any more.

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-He matches his plant in that clip.

-Of course!

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LAUGHTER

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That's amazing.

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Yes. This is not his first rodeo.

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-She can't sack Boris.

-Why?

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Because if she sacks him he gets to walk away from Brexit

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while simultaneously being able to claim that

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if he'd stayed in the government

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it all would have gone much better than it's clearly going to go.

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She can't allow him the pleasure.

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He's essentially an arsonist

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-who wants to come back dressed as a fireman.

-Yes.

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"Where's the fire?"

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Theresa May's premiership has been under threat for a while,

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but this must be the first time

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that the "coffin" itself could be the final nail.

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Oh, hummus. Yes, there's a hummus shortage.

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There's a man, unbelievably, "No hummus! No hummus!"

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Er, yes, there's been a huge drought of hummus. It's run out.

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The man who produces it, Hugh Muss, has said that...

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It's gone missing.

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For those of us in the liberal metropolitan elite,

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this is more of a disaster even than Brexit.

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Yep. So you're quite right.

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Why have Sainsbury's, Tesco's and Marks and Sparks

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withdrawn hummus from their shelves?

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People complained it tasted funny. Metallic.

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-And fizzy.

-Fizzy, yes!

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Fizzy.

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What else have shoppers reacted to in amazement?

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Oh, Blue Riband not going to be made...

0:11:440:11:46

Is that the one? Jobs going at Blue Riband?

0:11:460:11:48

-The jobs are moving.

-Moving.

-Yeah. So Nestle has said...

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-To a different country, I think.

-Yeah. They're going to move

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300 biscuit-making jobs from Britain to Poland.

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And social media was set alight

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by people baffled and upset that a biscuit

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they'd always thought was called Blue Ribbon is called Blue Riband.

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-Why did people think it was called Blue Ribbon?

-I have no idea.

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-It's been called that since 1936.

-It has!

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Consumers were so deeply traumatised...

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PAUL LAUGHS

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-..they went online to vent their horror.

-Oh, dear.

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Yeah, of course they did. Becka wrote:

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In other food-related news,

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Worcester Cathedral has been criticised

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for blessing a bundle of asparagus

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accompanied by St George and Gus - as in Aspara Gus -

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who's...

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Who has been a fixture of the asparagus festival in Worcester

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since 2008.

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He's actually the fifth person to wear the asparagus costume.

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The first four were strangled by a big blue elastic band.

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Self-effacing rock star who pays too much tax, according to him.

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Lewis Hamilton... I can't remember which is the good one,

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it's either avoidance or evasion.

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It's a subtle difference, isn't it?

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-You'll get sued if you say the wrong one.

-Oh, right.

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So go on.

0:13:070:13:09

I'll mention your name as I'm passing through the legal system.

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You're talking about millions and billions,

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and in the case of Lewis Hamilton, who is extremely wealthy...

0:13:180:13:21

Isn't he meant to be the richest sportsman of all now?

0:13:210:13:24

Yeah, I suppose so. He doesn't have to be particularly fit,

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doing what he does.

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He sits in a car and points it in that direction.

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He doesn't even build the car.

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He's like an Uber driver who goes a bit quicker, that's all.

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It's the leak of the Paradise Papers.

0:13:430:13:46

-Yes.

-Other famous individuals are named,

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not just Lewis Hamilton. What's Bono done?

0:13:480:13:50

He bought a shopping centre?

0:13:500:13:52

He bought a shopping centre in beautiful Lithuania.

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-Here it is.

-Via a holding company in Malta.

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-I've actually been there.

-What, to that shopping centre?

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Yes. I spent ages trying to shop,

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but I still couldn't find what I was looking for.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:14:050:14:07

The way that photograph is framed is a bit unusual

0:14:090:14:11

cos you can't see The Edge. Do you see?

0:14:110:14:14

He issued a statement. What did that say?

0:14:160:14:18

"Fuck the lot of you."

0:14:180:14:19

-That's the House of Commons.

-Sexminster.

0:14:270:14:30

Oh, no, that's the House of Commons.

0:14:300:14:33

And he's off. The former defence secretary.

0:14:330:14:35

Where are the Lib Dems? That's what I want to know in this sex scandal.

0:14:350:14:38

Normally they are way in the front in any sex scandal,

0:14:380:14:41

and they've been left trailing.

0:14:410:14:43

There's not enough of them any more.

0:14:430:14:45

They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders.

0:14:450:14:48

A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it?

0:14:490:14:52

It would be a push.

0:14:520:14:53

The Times published a redacted version of the list.

0:14:560:14:59

A damning indictment of MPs' behaviour,

0:14:590:15:01

or, if you prefer, a fun-packed Missing Words Round.

0:15:010:15:05

I mean, here's one, for example.

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Clothing, presumably.

0:15:150:15:16

-Perfume.

-Women's suffrage banners.

0:15:160:15:19

Yes, that's...

0:15:190:15:20

OK, try the next one.

0:15:220:15:23

Own sweets.

0:15:260:15:28

That's just sensible.

0:15:300:15:32

It's "personal trainer".

0:15:320:15:34

-Some of this is not high-level crime, is it?

-No, no, it's...

0:15:340:15:38

-Compared to, say, Putin or Trump.

-But if I can just say,

0:15:380:15:42

as the only representative of the female gender here today,

0:15:420:15:46

I know it's not high-level,

0:15:460:15:48

but it doesn't have to be high-level

0:15:480:15:50

for women to feel under siege in somewhere like the House of Commons.

0:15:500:15:56

And actually for women, if you're constantly being harassed

0:15:560:15:59

even in a small way, that builds up.

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And that wears you down.

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APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING

0:16:040:16:07

There is a wide range of behaviour on offer.

0:16:090:16:11

One MP is described as:

0:16:110:16:12

-What, can he drive?

-I don't know.

0:16:140:16:16

I thought maybe it meant he'd hold your chips

0:16:170:16:19

while you throw up out the window.

0:16:190:16:21

That's what I'm looking for in a man, anyway.

0:16:230:16:25

What a showbiz life you lead, Jo.

0:16:260:16:28

I tell you, Paul, you should come out with me for the night.

0:16:280:16:31

It's marvellous.

0:16:310:16:32

Er, what did the list have to say about Amber Rudd?

0:16:320:16:35

Oh, she'd had an affair, a post-marital affair,

0:16:350:16:38

with another MP,

0:16:380:16:40

and he wasn't married either.

0:16:400:16:42

-So what...?

-They're very Puritan...

-They are.

-..this particular

0:16:420:16:46

bunch of researchers. It was just put on the list.

0:16:460:16:48

"Enjoying life."

0:16:480:16:50

What's the real scandal associated with Amber Rudd?

0:16:540:16:56

It's not this traffic light joke, is it?

0:16:560:16:58

It is the traffic light joke, yes.

0:16:580:17:00

Er, about a year ago, Paul Merton made this joke.

0:17:000:17:03

If Amber Rudd married someone called Green,

0:17:030:17:05

she'd be like a traffic light. Amber Rudd Green.

0:17:050:17:07

Just occurred to me, that's all.

0:17:090:17:11

And then, eight months later, Labour's Alan Johnson said this.

0:17:110:17:16

Am I the only one who thinks

0:17:160:17:17

Amber Rudd sounds like a traffic light sequence?

0:17:170:17:19

So...

0:17:190:17:21

So if she stood for the Green Party,

0:17:220:17:24

it'd be Amber Rudd, Green.

0:17:240:17:26

It's like the Highway Code.

0:17:270:17:29

I said that on the programme about eight months ago!

0:17:330:17:37

That's incredible.

0:17:400:17:42

-But it turns out the gag's even older than that.

-Really?

0:17:420:17:45

Here is some footage from series one.

0:17:450:17:48

OLD-FASHIONED MUSIC PLAYS

0:17:480:17:50

Ahh.

0:18:010:18:02

I was wrong.

0:18:020:18:03

This is the sex scandal engulfing Westminster.

0:18:030:18:07

According to the redacted dossier:

0:18:070:18:09

Why are these jobs never advertised?

0:18:130:18:15

APPLAUSE

0:18:190:18:21

BUZZER

0:18:230:18:25

this is the Queen and Prince Philip showing why they get on so well.

0:18:250:18:28

It's their 70th wedding anniversary, I think -

0:18:280:18:30

1947.

0:18:300:18:31

According to the royal biographer Ingrid Seward,

0:18:310:18:34

the secret to their happy marriage is that:

0:18:340:18:36

What do you think they might laugh about?

0:18:370:18:39

Us.

0:18:390:18:40

"Fools."

0:18:400:18:42

Well, Ingrid said the Queen is "a wonderful mimic"

0:18:420:18:45

and is "particularly good at a Liverpudlian accent."

0:18:450:18:48

No!

0:18:480:18:49

Fingers on the buzzers, teams

0:18:490:18:50

for the no-expense-spent Phil And Liz Quiz.

0:18:500:18:53

The royal couple received 2,583 wedding presents,

0:18:570:19:01

but what did they get 76 of?

0:19:010:19:03

Toasters.

0:19:030:19:05

Nope. 76 people gave them handkerchiefs.

0:19:050:19:08

-LIVERPOOL ACCENT:

-Hey, Phil, look at all these hankies we got.

0:19:080:19:11

Ingrid also revealed that the couple share a bedroom,

0:19:150:19:17

but Prince Philip also has his own in case:

0:19:170:19:20

I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988.

0:19:250:19:28

He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as. He said:

0:19:280:19:31

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:390:19:41

-BELL

-Pole dancing.

0:19:440:19:46

Yes.

0:19:460:19:47

It's not in any way sexual,

0:19:470:19:49

as this picture proves.

0:19:490:19:51

It is a proper accredited sport,

0:19:520:19:55

requiring gymnastic ability and a beard.

0:19:550:19:58

-And it's going to be an Olympic sport.

-Is it?

0:19:580:20:00

I think there's talk about it being an Olympic sport.

0:20:000:20:03

Would you like to see some competitive pole dancing?

0:20:030:20:05

Yes, I think we're being unnecessarily rude.

0:20:050:20:07

Not on this programme, I'm just saying...

0:20:070:20:09

In the USA, what were pole dancers called

0:20:160:20:18

when they performed in travelling fairs in the 1920s?

0:20:180:20:21

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Pole dancers.

0:20:210:20:24

In what international competition

0:20:270:20:29

did Britain score a surprise win over France this week?

0:20:290:20:32

-Wine tasting.

-Yes.

0:20:320:20:33

Out of 24 countries, France came 11th,

0:20:330:20:36

nine places below the UK, which was second.

0:20:360:20:38

Was it done on volume?

0:20:380:20:40

This is the news that pole dancing may become an Olympic event.

0:20:460:20:50

If it does, it'll be the first-ever instance

0:20:500:20:52

of bringing a sport INTO repute.

0:20:520:20:54

BUZZER

0:20:590:21:01

This is a wildlife documentary.

0:21:010:21:03

This is an iguana running away from snakes

0:21:030:21:05

and it was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage

0:21:050:21:09

and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends, days, forever

0:21:090:21:12

trying to get this stuff.

0:21:120:21:14

And somebody complained because there's a cutaway to another iguana,

0:21:140:21:17

a sort of close-up thing,

0:21:170:21:19

and they said this is cheating somehow,

0:21:190:21:21

as if you can make an iguana...

0:21:210:21:22

"Sorry, love, we missed that - can we do it again?"

0:21:220:21:25

So I don't understand why people are confused about how films are made.

0:21:250:21:29

How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana?

0:21:290:21:31

Well, because...

0:21:310:21:32

I don't know. Maybe it had a hat on or something.

0:21:320:21:35

"Up the Gunners." I don't know. He had a badge.

0:21:350:21:38

"Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?"

0:21:380:21:41

No, I think it was a protest registered by the snakes.

0:21:440:21:48

Er...cos they're shown in this film to be incompetent.

0:21:480:21:52

-Very poor light.

-There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana

0:21:520:21:55

and they're so useless, they don't get anywhere near him.

0:21:550:21:58

And the iguana escapes.

0:21:580:22:00

And I think they protested,

0:22:000:22:02

saying, "The footage is completely faked. We won the encounter."

0:22:020:22:05

"And David Attenborough really should just resign."

0:22:060:22:09

Can we see the footage? It's so good.

0:22:110:22:12

You want to see the fakery row,

0:22:120:22:14

the scene including the lizard and the snake?

0:22:140:22:17

-Yeah.

-OK. Let's have a look.

0:22:170:22:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:200:22:22

It's time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:22:270:22:30

Your four are:

0:22:300:22:32

The tiger mascot for the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,

0:22:320:22:37

Archimedes, Millicent Fawcett,

0:22:370:22:39

and Cristiano Ronaldo.

0:22:390:22:41

Ronaldo recently had a statue made of him,

0:22:410:22:43

so it's him looking funny or amused, I think.

0:22:430:22:46

-So it's about statues, I think.

-It is.

0:22:460:22:48

The mascot I don't know anything about

0:22:480:22:50

but I imagine it's a pretty grim mascot.

0:22:500:22:52

I think the statue was regarded as laughable,

0:22:520:22:54

and presumably there'll be...

0:22:540:22:56

I know there isn't yet a statue of Fawcett,

0:22:560:22:58

the rather impressive woman on the left

0:22:580:23:00

who was a suffragette in the 19th century,

0:23:000:23:01

-but Theresa May has promised that there will be a statue...

-Ah!

0:23:010:23:05

..of her in Parliament Square.

0:23:050:23:07

There is a statue of Archimedes.

0:23:070:23:09

There must be somewhere, presumably.

0:23:090:23:11

-But someone's objected to it.

-Oh, really?

0:23:110:23:13

So they're all statues that people have objected to

0:23:130:23:15

-apart from Fawcett...

-Who's not there yet.

0:23:150:23:17

..who's going to get a statue.

0:23:170:23:19

So she must be the odd one out.

0:23:190:23:20

Portugal, as you say, decided to honour Cristiano Ronaldo

0:23:200:23:23

by renaming Madeira Airport after him

0:23:230:23:25

and unveiling this bronze bust at one of its terminals.

0:23:250:23:28

A statue of the majestic, fearsome Sumatran tiger,

0:23:310:23:34

a mascot of the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,

0:23:340:23:38

went viral this week. Here it is.

0:23:380:23:40

What does he want from us?

0:23:450:23:47

Why did the statue end up looking

0:23:490:23:51

so unlike the ferocious beast it was supposed to resemble?

0:23:510:23:55

They couldn't get the head they wanted.

0:23:550:23:57

The spokesman said it was because the artist...

0:23:570:23:59

was not that good.

0:23:590:24:01

A nude statue of Archimedes is said to be distracting drivers

0:24:070:24:10

on a road in Basingstoke.

0:24:100:24:12

So let's settle this once and for all.

0:24:120:24:15

Do you find this distracting?

0:24:150:24:16

No, not really.

0:24:160:24:18

I didn't even know he was from Basingstoke.

0:24:180:24:20

APPLAUSE

0:24:230:24:25

So they are all the subject of a controversial statue

0:24:250:24:29

apart from Millicent Fawcett.

0:24:290:24:31

The offending naked statue of Archimedes

0:24:310:24:33

is outside the owner's house.

0:24:330:24:35

I'm told it's a large, impressive semi,

0:24:350:24:37

but don't know much about the house.

0:24:370:24:39

Time now for the Missing Words Round.

0:24:420:24:45

And we start with:

0:24:450:24:47

The Loch Ness Monster.

0:24:500:24:52

Hope.

0:24:520:24:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:530:24:57

It was the Loch Ness Monster!

0:24:590:25:00

If you believe this story,

0:25:000:25:02

you really should take a long hard look in the mirror.

0:25:020:25:05

As they're the only paper that bothered to cover it.

0:25:050:25:08

Next:

0:25:100:25:11

Bulge in lie-detecting underpants.

0:25:130:25:15

Is it Eamonn Holmes?

0:25:180:25:20

Prince song.

0:25:230:25:25

# Really big courgette... #

0:25:250:25:28

Is that it?

0:25:280:25:30

Second World War bomb turns out to be really big courgette.

0:25:320:25:35

God, the Germans were desperate towards the end, weren't they?

0:25:350:25:38

Here's the courgette.

0:25:380:25:40

It was found in a garden in Bretten in Germany.

0:25:400:25:43

According to the BBC, once police had confirmed

0:25:430:25:45

it was just a five-kilo vegetable:

0:25:450:25:47

And sure enough, 24 hours later,

0:25:490:25:51

neighbours heard a massive explosion.

0:25:510:25:53

Next:

0:25:550:25:56

Is it marry a supermodel?

0:25:590:26:01

Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?

0:26:020:26:05

APPLAUSE

0:26:080:26:10

The answer is:

0:26:120:26:13

Which will premier at the Cannes Film Festival next week.

0:26:150:26:17

The pontiff's acting was praised,

0:26:170:26:19

but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying,

0:26:190:26:22

"Let there be lights, camera, action."

0:26:220:26:26

Next:

0:26:260:26:27

Meeting Scotsman in pub for a joke.

0:26:300:26:33

-Er, football.

-It is a football keepy-uppy contest.

0:26:350:26:39

Let's have a look.

0:26:390:26:41

-She's good!

-She's very good on the cross.

0:26:420:26:45

Finally:

0:26:470:26:49

Wife number eight.

0:26:530:26:55

She can't stand him.

0:26:570:26:58

This is Ron Sheppard, looking for wife number nine.

0:27:040:27:08

He's previously been married to:

0:27:080:27:10

I think we can pinpoint the moment when he discovered the internet.

0:27:150:27:19

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:27:230:27:26

"I still can't find Keith, but I've left him another note."

0:27:260:27:29

Mr Weinstein's office staff.

0:27:330:27:36

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

0:27:360:27:38

Yeah, that's the one to finish the show on.

0:27:410:27:43

I leave you with news that in Brussels,

0:27:450:27:47

as world leaders gather for a photo opportunity,

0:27:470:27:49

Theresa May insists that the UK and United States

0:27:490:27:52

still have a special relationship.

0:27:520:27:54

LAUGHTER

0:27:560:27:58

In the basement of Labour Party HQ,

0:28:020:28:05

the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg

0:28:050:28:07

recovers from the knockout drops to be met with a worrying sight.

0:28:070:28:10

And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design

0:28:170:28:19

for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.

0:28:190:28:23

Goodnight.

0:28:250:28:28