Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

as the Tories attempt to boost their vote in Scotland,

there's a better reception than expected for the Conservative campaign bus.

Campaigning in the Lake District,

Vince Cable reluctantly agrees to take part in a photo opportunity.

After a photo call in Downing Street, Gordon Brown tells colleagues

that if they doubt his ability to win the election,

they should come in for a private chat.

And just a few minutes later,

John Prescott pops in to Number 10 to use the downstairs loo.

LAUGHTER

On Ian Hislop's team is a writer and broadcaster

who presents the BBC Four quiz show Only Connect.

For those of you who have never watched it,

BBC Four is a sort of arts channel.

-Please welcome Victoria Coren.

-APPLAUSE

And with Paul Merton tonight is a man described by Wikipedia

as one of the leading hidden masters of British comedy.

Proving how easy it is to write your own entry on Wikipedia.

-Please welcome Richard Herring.

-APPLAUSE

We start with... Well, what else could it possibly be?

The story everyone's talking about.

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

It's obviously Scrabble.

It looks like it's been commissioned this short film, has it?

-I play a lot of Scrabble.

-Do you?

-I'm furious about this very story.

-What is the story?

They're allowing you basically to just make up your own words,

as far as I can see,

which makes it a lot easier game.

Previously, the rules were that you can't have a proper noun.

-So you couldn't have Paul.

-No.

-You could have Hislop -

that probably means something.

I think it means

"man who increasingly looks more like

"his Spitting Image puppet than he does".

Er, and... Ooh!

We don't know whether this is the puppet or not.

We haven't established that.

I think you'll find that he might be right.

But now they're allowing you to use any proper names.

So that just means anything really.

-It's made it easier?

-It does. I'm going to have a child and call it

QVPRXUR, and then it's a proper name.

Anything's allowed. I play a lot but, um...

-Destroy a child's life just to get some points in Scrabble.

-Yes, a lot!

I was brought up with no proper names. Now, according to the owners,

-you can use words like Beyonce...

-Mm-hm.

..which I gather is a type of tree.

What's quite enjoyable about this is there are professional...

professional Scrabble players, which there are some of,

that use the most obscure words like za - Z-A's allowed -

-that means pizza and io and ja and all these kind...

-Z-A means pizza?

Pizza, yes. Short for pizza - za. You use that all the time, surely?

Pizza's a fairly short word.

I don't like your definition of Hislop.

RICHARD CHUCKLES

Particularly coming from someone wearing that particular moustache.

Well, I think that last week you had the guy from UKIP on,

and they wanted someone more right wing. So I was the only...

APPLAUSE

I got in first. Just a misunderstanding. I'm doing a show

trying to reclaim the toothbrush moustache for comedy.

-Charlie Chaplin had it first. Didn't he? You know about him.

-Yeah.

And then Hitler came along and ruined it for everyone, didn't he?

Probably the worst thing he ever did, but, er...

LAUGHTER

-I have to say...

-That's as far as history records.

-That's explained it. I'm very happy now.

-Good.

Hopefully that'll stay in the show, or I'm going to look like an idiot.

Back to Scrabble to cut back into it.

"UKIP" would score 10.

UKIP would...

If you were allowed it, it would be quite good. A K and a U are nasty

to get rid of. Up to now we've had auk. It's had to be auk. Can you...?

Can I phone my agent? I think I'm booked in the wrong show.

I think it's the change of day that's confused me.

This is the controversial change allowing Scrabble players

to use place names and celebrity names. According to The Mail,

the makers hope to make Scrabble appeal to youth by allowing...

..to which young people in their thousands have responded, "Uh...?"

The makers of Scrabble have announced...

There's a good one - July. 42 on a triple word.

-It would be 45 on a triple word.

-Oh, would it?

8, 1, 1, 5 for the Y, 15 - 45.

Tile counting!

I'm just saying!

Ian and Victoria, here is yours.

"Vote for change." That's about changing the Scrabble rules again.

Ah, that's Gordon shaking someone's hand.

She's bemused... They're off!

Look - double act.

OK, so this is the election. It's incredibly exciting.

They said, "We're going to announce the election," and then they did!

And it was brilliant.

May 6th. Which is Tony Blair's birthday.

Something to celebrate.

And what better present than to see Gordon Brown comprehensively beaten?

Absolutely make his day.

No, I think everybody's very depressed about it.

You know those great tennis matches

where you think it's a great shame for either of them to lose?

It's like the opposite of that.

Peter Mandelson said, "You've got a choice between granite and plastic."

The problem with the metaphor...

He's saying it's granite - Gordon, plastic - Cameron.

I mean, plastic's quite useful in the modern world.

I don't know how many of you use a granite bag...

for your shopping.

I feel that's Gordon, really.

A bit useless.

But again, there's no bias on this show, so, um...

Let's get on with the election, they're all off.

-They are.

-And it's incredibly exciting.

If it's exciting, it's cos there are all these independents.

I think it's still technically possible

for Joanna Lumley to form a party and sweep to power.

There's a lot of not very interesting bits of trivia

floating round the papers.

Anyone see what The Times had to say?

It revealed on the day of the announcement that...

Once again she just said, "Yeah...go on..."

What did Cameron say he was doing in his first campaign speech?

He was talking about the people who are ignored.

He's going to reach out to the Great Ignored.

Nice of him to think of Nick Clegg at this time.

Did you see where the two main party leaders went on their first jaunts?

-He went north.

-Yep.

-To prove that he's...northern.

-Yep.

-Which you can tell from his accent and his background.

-You can.

-And Brown came south to Kent.

-That's right.

But even on the campaign trail, he's fantastically competitive...

What age are you?

-Five.

-Five.

My son's six.

That's not even the symbol for five.

Also, I'd check Gordon's figures. He's had some problems with those.

If they're anything like the defence budget or immigration,

his son's probably 18.

Meanwhile, according to The Telegraph...

Completely wasted on the people who live there.

Of course, we mustn't forget Nick Clegg throughout all this, must we?

-How is The Times...

-LAUGHTER

How is The Times monitoring the parties' progress?

You say Scrabble's changing its rules.

They've recruited a jury of Mumsnetters.

-Mumsnet?

-Mumsnetters, yes.

-Mumsnet?

-Mumsnetters, yeah.

These are what they said about our potential...

I know about them, you don't have to tell me.

-If these women saw Gordon Brown in a coffee shop...

-I know all this.

And, of course, we mustn't forget Nick Clegg - one Mumsnetter said...

Various secret weapons are being wheeled out -

-what's Cameron's secret weapon?

-It's Samantha.

-Exactly.

-It's the wife.

-It's the foetus inside his wife.

That's as bad as naming your child for a Scrabble game...

when he gets to 18 go, "We just had you so we could win the election.

"We called you Victor."

It was nearly Slim Majority.

Well, here's Gordon with his secret weapon,

the lovely Sarah.

And here's Cameron with the lovely Samantha.

And there's Nick with, um...

And, er, SamCam, as she's called...

Why can't people speak properly? SamCam is what she's now called.

Well, everything has to be shortened. SuBo.

They never do that for Pete Doherty, do they? For some reason...

No, you're right!

Did you see The Guardian's April Fool?

Yes.

Did they produce a whole newspaper?

The fake story being a picture of Gordon Brown looking a bit moody,

and the headline was "Step Outside, Posh Boy".

People actually thought it was quite effective,

somehow implying that posh boys are sort of weedy, in some way.

He doesn't look like he'd be good in a fight, though.

I think he'd be sort of petulant.

I think he'd come at you with an axe!

I don't think so. I think he'd slam the door

and then come back and go, "And here's another thing,"

cos he'd thought of something really rude about half an hour later.

He'd slam your head in the door. "Ya bastard, ya bastard, ya bastard!"

What analogy did Gordon use

to demonstrate how down he was with the kids?

-Oh, God, football.

-Yep, that's right.

But the analogy falls down, because Wayne didn't go up to a door

and smack his foot into it.

And here's another recent example of Gordon's grasp of popular culture.

You know, I think the only thing that I haven't been accused of recently

is killing Archie Mitchell in the EastEnders.

VICTORIA: 'The EastEnders.'

In THE EastEnders!

Like when your Gran says, "I've been watching The EastEnders."

This is the official announcement

that the General Election will be held on May 6th.

Launching his campaign at the old County Hall,

David Cameron posed in front of Big Ben

amongst supporters and food stalls. According to the Daily Mail...

LAUGHTER

That image gives you everything, doesn't it?

Now the election has been called,

there's no time for a 10% increase in cider prices,

so great news for West Country people who may resume the tradition

of getting so smashed out of their skulls, they vote Lib Dem.

So on to round two. In a homage to Victoria's shameless BBC Four rip-off

-of our Odd One Out round, it's...

-It is nothing to do with the odd one out!

-It's connected things. There isn't an odd one out. How can it be a rip-off? That's a libel.

-It's not a libel.

Trust me.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Two points if you get the story from the first clue,

one, if you require a second clue.

So fingers on buzzers. Here is your first clue.

BUZZER

It's a woman who's scared of a mouse.

She's scared of the fact that her head doesn't fit her body!

LAUGHTER

She is explaining to Gordon Brown that she's five.

LAUGHTER

Women are generally scared of stuff.

They're not thick-skinned enough

-to be interviewees on the Today programme on Radio 4.

-Exactly right.

Although the editor of the programme said, "I was trying to make

"the difference between being a newsreader on TV

"and being a journalist on the radio.

"And on the radio, you need thicker skin."

I think he's the one with the problem. It's like man flu.

He's a radio producer of a not terribly difficult show,

so he says, "It's the most difficult thing in the world.

"It's like fighting a war or being in a submarine when the air runs out.

-"Women couldn't do it. I can, though, cos I'm special."

-Know his name?

-This man?

-Ceri Thomas.

-Yes.

And who's the woman on the chair?

-No idea.

-I think, she's not...

She's not important, is she?

Just some woman, you know...

Come in to do the cleaning, probably.

LAUGHTER

Would you like to be on the Today programme?

Not after what I just said about its editor. It would be awkward.

LAUGHTER

You could handle it. You could do that.

I'm not good at an early morning start.

If they could move it to about midnight, I'm in.

That's cos you're playing poker online all night!

-Yes, that IS why!

-If you went to bed at a reasonable time,

you could have a job as a person on Today.

You're so kind. I already have a mother...

APPLAUSE

What did former BBC royal correspondent and Today reporter

-Jennie Bond have to say about this?

-Bollocks!

-That's right. She said...

Shall we remind ourselves

how much better men are at the tough political interviews?

Here's Gavin Esler exuding authority on Newsnight last week.

ALL GUESTS TALK AT ONCE

The man who took us into an illegal invasion of Iraq

and who's left this country less...

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Gentlemen...

-They've put up taxes on the poor in order to...

-Gentlemen.

If that's fairness, all I can say is...

-It's all yack, yack, yack.

-Mr Prescott?

Yes, this is the head of Radio 4's Today programme who's been accused

of sexism after claiming women aren't tough enough

to work on the show. Edwina Currie weighed into the debate

about female news presenters insisting...

I'm sure John Major would agree.

Better news for womankind was the record number of female astronauts

being launched into space this week -

no fewer than three women lifted off from Cape Canaveral

on board the Space Shuttle,

although there was an embarrassing moment

when they all turned up wearing the same outfit.

Fingers on buzzers - here's the first clue to your last story.

Is it John Major again?

Oddly contoured for an empty pair of pants that, isn't it?

Here's another clue.

It's more pants!

RICHARD: It's not the new Olympic logo, is it? It looks like it.

Is it the women in the Space Shuttle husbands' underwear,

waiting in the laundry basket for them to come back?

LAUGHTER

You better tell us.

Tyneside, South Tyneside, a man called Gary Craig...

Collects underpants.

..who has given himself a catchy nickname of Geordie Pantsman.

Is it to do with putting a different pair of pants on every day

and by the end of the week not being able to put your trousers on?

-No.

-It's like the joke where if you walked for 50 miles a day

at the of the week, you're in Aberdeen? It's the same joke.

-Do you know any jokes, Alexander?

-No, not a one.

That's a shame, isn't it?

It's a simple record-breaking tale. He put on 211 pairs of pants...

And by the end of the week, he couldn't get his trousers off.

Although he was in Aberdeen.

He was actually in South Tyneside, which is some of the way there.

Let's have a look at him.

Thank God he had one pair on to begin with, eh?

He could get another pair on there, why is he stopping?

Was he called Geordie Pantsman first

and then thought, "I've got to live up to this name somehow"?

"I'll move to Newcastle and I'll put on some pants."

That's it, is it? He puts on pants? An activity most people manage themselves once a day.

What's the most pair of pants you've ever put on, Ian Hislop?

One pair. 212.

211 actually. He didn't make the 212.

Do you know why he didn't put on 212 pairs?

-Cos I had them on.

-He'd run out of pants.

According to Pantsman...

Surely this is something you would have planned before, isn't it?

But 212 pairs would just be silly.

Who turned up to see Geordie Pantsman in action?

Pierce Brosnan? No?

No, about 150 people. Each paid three quid with the additional draw

of a bar, a disco and...

They're in the bin liner. There they are.

On beating the previous record holder who lives in Australia, Gary boasted...

Time now for the odd one out round.

-Paul and Richard, here's yours.

-OK.

Tittle Cott Bridge in West Yorkshire.

Marathon bars.

The English Channel and the Co-op's ambient sausage roll.

Ambient sausage roll. Well, the English Channel

was recently in the news this week, because I think it's the French

or somebody wants to rename it the English Pond.

So is it about things being renamed?

Like Marathon has famously become Snickers over the years.

Gradually. It started off being Sarathon and became Snarathon.

So it's about name changes, isn't it?

All these have been considered for name changes,

but the only one that's changed it's name is Marathon.

-No.

-The Channel hasn't been named.

Right. The Channel hasn't been renamed.

They've all been renamed, apart from the English Channel,

which EU planners want to rename the Anglo-French Pond as part of an effort towards...

That should improve relations between us and France for ever.

In 1990, Marathons were renamed Snickers to bring them into line

with the global brand.

It was originally named after a horse belonging to the owners.

Ironic the horse had been gelded, so no longer contained nuts.

Tittle Cott Bridge - anyone followed the story of Tittle Cott bridge?

It saw its name restored to the more traditional Tickle Cock Bridge,

after angry local residents launched a campaign.

A local newspaper said the council had been embarrassed, because...

No, it's not an innuendo.

It's a statement of fact.

-Which group was particularly outraged?

-Pedants.

No. The...

Their slogan is "Eh?".

Yes. Can no-one think of any other UK locations

that might need renaming cos they're a bit rude?

Six Mile Bottom in Suffolk.

I always laugh when I drive past that.

There's Funbag Drive in Watford.

And they may be heading to Hampshire to change the name of this place.

'Surrounded by nature, the perfect getaway.

'Sheer, natural beauty.

'Located in the New Forest National Park.

'Sandy Balls Holiday Centre...'

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

'An exceptional holiday experience.

'From luxury lodges to caravans and camping,

'Sandy Balls, the year-round forest destination.'

-On to the ambient sausage roll.

-Ambient sausage roll, yeah.

Managers at the Co-op have agreed to remove the description "ambient"

from its sausage roll labels

after admitting they don't know what it meant.

LAUGHTER

In other renaming news, what job title has been glammed up

to attract a higher calibre of candidate?

-Prime Minister!

-Dustman. Dustbin men.

According to the Daily Star, a pool lifeguard in Ceredigion, Wales

has been renamed...

I'm going. I'm going there now.

That covers more than swimming for some people, I tell you.

Yes. They have all been renamed, apart from the English Channel,

which EU planners want to rename the Anglo-French Pond.

In Castleford, residents fought a campaign to retain the name of local landmark...

There are other places with names that would make most people embarrassed to live there.

There's Shitterton in Dorset,

Twatt in Shetland.

Ian and Victoria, your four are...

Anthea Turner, Welsh TV channel S4C,

the funeral of Sir William Ormerod and a public toilet in Macclesfield.

Sir William Ormerod you know about.

When we had a memorial service for my dad,

I got a tip-off that we might be visited

by a serial gang of funeral crashers,

these rather unsavoury people

who knock about funerals of strangers in the hope of a free drink.

So I invented Sir William Ormerod and put him on the internet

and said there would be free drink after the funeral

for family and friends only.

They wrote to me, "I was so sorry to hear of Sir William's death.

"I used to know him in the '40s in Yorkshire." Stuff like that.

Plan A was to actually hold the funeral

and fill all the free sandwiches with laxatives.

But then I thought that might be a bit childish,

so I didn't do that.

Once I knew who they were, I wrote about them in the paper.

RICHARD: If they want free food,

if you go to a Holiday Inn Express before 9.30, there's free breakfast.

They don't check that you're staying at the hotel.

That's going to be an interesting rush on Saturday morning around the country.

The Welsh channel you mentioned,

wasn't that recently in the news because some of its programmes

-weren't technically getting any viewers at all?

-Yes.

Do S4C just show a picture of a dragon?

That's one of their more popular programmes.

So they're not getting any viewers.

William whatshisname didn't get any people at his funeral.

-Is that the line we should be going down?

-Yes.

They all failed to attract public interest,

apart from the funeral of Sir William Ormerod,

which did indeed attract attendees, despite being totally fictitious.

How many people used the toilet in Macclesfield

between August 2008 and July 2009?

Four, and three of them were on the outside.

637...

..which works out at...

If anyone's watching, they can come and use my toilet for £25.

VICTORIA: Apparently, you can use the toilets free

at the Holiday Inn on a Saturday morning.

You've got to talk yourself into somebody's room, though.

"Just coming in to use the toilet."

According to the Macclesfield Express, the most popular toilet

is in West Street, which was used on...

See "separate" - what's a separate...?

I like to save it all up for one special...!

One conjoined occasion!

It makes Christmas for me.

Anthea Turner was forced to cancel all...

sorry - BOTH - the dates

of her Perfect Housewife tour, following poor ticket sales.

Leave her alone!

Two people wanted to come and see her. It's not bad, is it?

It's not bad, but it's certainly not brilliant!

The Welsh TV channel, S4C - a recent report revealed that viewing figures

for some programmes were so low, they officially registered as zero.

Can you name any of the programmes that failed to attract any viewers?

The Anthea Turner Roadshow live from Preston.

According to The Telegraph...

Yes, they have all failed to attract public interest,

apart from the funeral of Sir William Ormerod,

which did attract attention, despite being totally factitious.

Anthea Turner's Perfect Housewife tour has been cancelled,

following disastrous ticket sales.

According to her own website...

Although, ironically, no build-up of traffic around the theatre, Anthea.

We seem to have it in for her, don't we?

You've got a tour coming up, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-Advertised a year ago. How's that going?

It's all right. Yeah, we're selling tickets, Paul.

-You're selling tickets, are you?

-Not in Preston, sadly, but...

Wow. Look at that.

There IS an Anthea Turner!

This is like a very, very poor Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Tell you one thing about this programme,

everybody's transfixed by a piece of paper that's coming down.

That says a lot about our content, doesn't it?

"My God! What's this? Vera, come in from the kitchen - look!"

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication,

the Pylon Appreciation Society newsletter.

Issue 12 of the Pylon Appreciation Society newsletter

features these pictures,

pointing out that the photograph in the centre

was taken from a moving train.

Just out of shot, there's a train spotter shouting, "Get a life!"

And we start with...

Is it, "I used to get constantly interrupted, but... Not now!"

Oh! Ann Widdecombe!

-Oh, no!

-No?

Sorry, I've got this thing where I just suddenly say her name.

This is one of the least embarrassing times it's happened, to be honest.

It's when I get quite excited...

"Sorry about that, dear!"

This is according to Labour supporter Robert Harris.

His novel, The Ghost, has just been made into a film

directed by Roman Polanski.

It comes out with a 15 rating,

but Polanski swears it was an 18.

Next...

Developed the free-standing pylon.

Yes, he's right. He's absolutely right.

I think you should have that, yes.

Narrowly beating this...

And finally...

New novelist! Yeah, because she knew where they lived

and she and dropped off a novel that she'd written

that been turned down by publishers,

and it's been accepted and it's doing well.

This is exactly right.

It made a pleasant change for Richard.

He normally finds Judy on the doorstep.

So, the final scores are...

..Ian and Victoria have 5,

Paul and Richard have 9.

-Pathetic!

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

I'll leave you with news that at a multiplex in Tehran,

there's evidence that Iranian technology is lagging behind

at a 3D screening of Avatar.

As the Tory campaign ventures into a traditional Labour seat,

the Camerons regret their visit to a local superglue factory.

And in the Mediterranean, the paparazzi snap one of Russia's

most famous personalities on holiday with his family.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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