Episode 2 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 2

The popular news quiz returns, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Alexander Armstrong and guest panellists including Richard Herring.


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

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as the Tories attempt to boost their vote in Scotland,

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there's a better reception than expected for the Conservative campaign bus.

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Campaigning in the Lake District,

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Vince Cable reluctantly agrees to take part in a photo opportunity.

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After a photo call in Downing Street, Gordon Brown tells colleagues

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that if they doubt his ability to win the election,

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they should come in for a private chat.

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And just a few minutes later,

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John Prescott pops in to Number 10 to use the downstairs loo.

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LAUGHTER

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On Ian Hislop's team is a writer and broadcaster

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who presents the BBC Four quiz show Only Connect.

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For those of you who have never watched it,

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BBC Four is a sort of arts channel.

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-Please welcome Victoria Coren.

-APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight is a man described by Wikipedia

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as one of the leading hidden masters of British comedy.

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Proving how easy it is to write your own entry on Wikipedia.

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-Please welcome Richard Herring.

-APPLAUSE

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We start with... Well, what else could it possibly be?

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The story everyone's talking about.

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Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

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It's obviously Scrabble.

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It looks like it's been commissioned this short film, has it?

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-I play a lot of Scrabble.

-Do you?

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-I'm furious about this very story.

-What is the story?

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They're allowing you basically to just make up your own words,

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as far as I can see,

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which makes it a lot easier game.

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Previously, the rules were that you can't have a proper noun.

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-So you couldn't have Paul.

-No.

-You could have Hislop -

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that probably means something.

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I think it means

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"man who increasingly looks more like

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"his Spitting Image puppet than he does".

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Er, and... Ooh!

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We don't know whether this is the puppet or not.

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We haven't established that.

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I think you'll find that he might be right.

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But now they're allowing you to use any proper names.

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So that just means anything really.

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-It's made it easier?

-It does. I'm going to have a child and call it

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QVPRXUR, and then it's a proper name.

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Anything's allowed. I play a lot but, um...

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-Destroy a child's life just to get some points in Scrabble.

-Yes, a lot!

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I was brought up with no proper names. Now, according to the owners,

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-you can use words like Beyonce...

-Mm-hm.

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..which I gather is a type of tree.

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What's quite enjoyable about this is there are professional...

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professional Scrabble players, which there are some of,

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that use the most obscure words like za - Z-A's allowed -

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-that means pizza and io and ja and all these kind...

-Z-A means pizza?

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Pizza, yes. Short for pizza - za. You use that all the time, surely?

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Pizza's a fairly short word.

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I don't like your definition of Hislop.

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RICHARD CHUCKLES

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Particularly coming from someone wearing that particular moustache.

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Well, I think that last week you had the guy from UKIP on,

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and they wanted someone more right wing. So I was the only...

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APPLAUSE

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I got in first. Just a misunderstanding. I'm doing a show

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trying to reclaim the toothbrush moustache for comedy.

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-Charlie Chaplin had it first. Didn't he? You know about him.

-Yeah.

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And then Hitler came along and ruined it for everyone, didn't he?

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Probably the worst thing he ever did, but, er...

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LAUGHTER

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-I have to say...

-That's as far as history records.

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-That's explained it. I'm very happy now.

-Good.

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Hopefully that'll stay in the show, or I'm going to look like an idiot.

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Back to Scrabble to cut back into it.

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"UKIP" would score 10.

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UKIP would...

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If you were allowed it, it would be quite good. A K and a U are nasty

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to get rid of. Up to now we've had auk. It's had to be auk. Can you...?

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Can I phone my agent? I think I'm booked in the wrong show.

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I think it's the change of day that's confused me.

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This is the controversial change allowing Scrabble players

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to use place names and celebrity names. According to The Mail,

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the makers hope to make Scrabble appeal to youth by allowing...

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..to which young people in their thousands have responded, "Uh...?"

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The makers of Scrabble have announced...

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There's a good one - July. 42 on a triple word.

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-It would be 45 on a triple word.

-Oh, would it?

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8, 1, 1, 5 for the Y, 15 - 45.

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Tile counting!

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I'm just saying!

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Ian and Victoria, here is yours.

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"Vote for change." That's about changing the Scrabble rules again.

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Ah, that's Gordon shaking someone's hand.

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She's bemused... They're off!

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Look - double act.

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OK, so this is the election. It's incredibly exciting.

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They said, "We're going to announce the election," and then they did!

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And it was brilliant.

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May 6th. Which is Tony Blair's birthday.

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Something to celebrate.

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And what better present than to see Gordon Brown comprehensively beaten?

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Absolutely make his day.

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No, I think everybody's very depressed about it.

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You know those great tennis matches

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where you think it's a great shame for either of them to lose?

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It's like the opposite of that.

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Peter Mandelson said, "You've got a choice between granite and plastic."

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The problem with the metaphor...

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He's saying it's granite - Gordon, plastic - Cameron.

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I mean, plastic's quite useful in the modern world.

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I don't know how many of you use a granite bag...

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for your shopping.

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I feel that's Gordon, really.

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A bit useless.

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But again, there's no bias on this show, so, um...

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Let's get on with the election, they're all off.

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-They are.

-And it's incredibly exciting.

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If it's exciting, it's cos there are all these independents.

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I think it's still technically possible

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for Joanna Lumley to form a party and sweep to power.

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There's a lot of not very interesting bits of trivia

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floating round the papers.

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Anyone see what The Times had to say?

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It revealed on the day of the announcement that...

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Once again she just said, "Yeah...go on..."

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What did Cameron say he was doing in his first campaign speech?

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He was talking about the people who are ignored.

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He's going to reach out to the Great Ignored.

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Nice of him to think of Nick Clegg at this time.

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Did you see where the two main party leaders went on their first jaunts?

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-He went north.

-Yep.

-To prove that he's...northern.

-Yep.

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-Which you can tell from his accent and his background.

-You can.

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-And Brown came south to Kent.

-That's right.

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But even on the campaign trail, he's fantastically competitive...

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What age are you?

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-Five.

-Five.

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My son's six.

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That's not even the symbol for five.

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Also, I'd check Gordon's figures. He's had some problems with those.

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If they're anything like the defence budget or immigration,

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his son's probably 18.

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Meanwhile, according to The Telegraph...

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Completely wasted on the people who live there.

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Of course, we mustn't forget Nick Clegg throughout all this, must we?

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-How is The Times...

-LAUGHTER

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How is The Times monitoring the parties' progress?

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You say Scrabble's changing its rules.

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They've recruited a jury of Mumsnetters.

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-Mumsnet?

-Mumsnetters, yes.

-Mumsnet?

-Mumsnetters, yeah.

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These are what they said about our potential...

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I know about them, you don't have to tell me.

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-If these women saw Gordon Brown in a coffee shop...

-I know all this.

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And, of course, we mustn't forget Nick Clegg - one Mumsnetter said...

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Various secret weapons are being wheeled out -

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-what's Cameron's secret weapon?

-It's Samantha.

-Exactly.

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-It's the wife.

-It's the foetus inside his wife.

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That's as bad as naming your child for a Scrabble game...

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when he gets to 18 go, "We just had you so we could win the election.

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"We called you Victor."

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It was nearly Slim Majority.

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Well, here's Gordon with his secret weapon,

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the lovely Sarah.

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And here's Cameron with the lovely Samantha.

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And there's Nick with, um...

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And, er, SamCam, as she's called...

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Why can't people speak properly? SamCam is what she's now called.

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Well, everything has to be shortened. SuBo.

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They never do that for Pete Doherty, do they? For some reason...

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No, you're right!

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Did you see The Guardian's April Fool?

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Yes.

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Did they produce a whole newspaper?

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The fake story being a picture of Gordon Brown looking a bit moody,

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and the headline was "Step Outside, Posh Boy".

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People actually thought it was quite effective,

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somehow implying that posh boys are sort of weedy, in some way.

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He doesn't look like he'd be good in a fight, though.

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I think he'd be sort of petulant.

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I think he'd come at you with an axe!

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I don't think so. I think he'd slam the door

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and then come back and go, "And here's another thing,"

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cos he'd thought of something really rude about half an hour later.

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He'd slam your head in the door. "Ya bastard, ya bastard, ya bastard!"

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What analogy did Gordon use

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to demonstrate how down he was with the kids?

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-Oh, God, football.

-Yep, that's right.

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But the analogy falls down, because Wayne didn't go up to a door

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and smack his foot into it.

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And here's another recent example of Gordon's grasp of popular culture.

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You know, I think the only thing that I haven't been accused of recently

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is killing Archie Mitchell in the EastEnders.

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VICTORIA: 'The EastEnders.'

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In THE EastEnders!

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Like when your Gran says, "I've been watching The EastEnders."

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This is the official announcement

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that the General Election will be held on May 6th.

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Launching his campaign at the old County Hall,

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David Cameron posed in front of Big Ben

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amongst supporters and food stalls. According to the Daily Mail...

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LAUGHTER

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That image gives you everything, doesn't it?

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Now the election has been called,

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there's no time for a 10% increase in cider prices,

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so great news for West Country people who may resume the tradition

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of getting so smashed out of their skulls, they vote Lib Dem.

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So on to round two. In a homage to Victoria's shameless BBC Four rip-off

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-of our Odd One Out round, it's...

-It is nothing to do with the odd one out!

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-It's connected things. There isn't an odd one out. How can it be a rip-off? That's a libel.

-It's not a libel.

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Trust me.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Two points if you get the story from the first clue,

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one, if you require a second clue.

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So fingers on buzzers. Here is your first clue.

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BUZZER

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It's a woman who's scared of a mouse.

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She's scared of the fact that her head doesn't fit her body!

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LAUGHTER

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She is explaining to Gordon Brown that she's five.

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LAUGHTER

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Women are generally scared of stuff.

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They're not thick-skinned enough

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-to be interviewees on the Today programme on Radio 4.

-Exactly right.

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Although the editor of the programme said, "I was trying to make

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"the difference between being a newsreader on TV

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"and being a journalist on the radio.

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"And on the radio, you need thicker skin."

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I think he's the one with the problem. It's like man flu.

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He's a radio producer of a not terribly difficult show,

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so he says, "It's the most difficult thing in the world.

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"It's like fighting a war or being in a submarine when the air runs out.

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-"Women couldn't do it. I can, though, cos I'm special."

-Know his name?

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-This man?

-Ceri Thomas.

-Yes.

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And who's the woman on the chair?

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-No idea.

-I think, she's not...

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She's not important, is she?

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Just some woman, you know...

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Come in to do the cleaning, probably.

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LAUGHTER

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Would you like to be on the Today programme?

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Not after what I just said about its editor. It would be awkward.

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LAUGHTER

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You could handle it. You could do that.

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I'm not good at an early morning start.

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If they could move it to about midnight, I'm in.

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That's cos you're playing poker online all night!

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-Yes, that IS why!

-If you went to bed at a reasonable time,

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you could have a job as a person on Today.

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You're so kind. I already have a mother...

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APPLAUSE

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What did former BBC royal correspondent and Today reporter

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-Jennie Bond have to say about this?

-Bollocks!

-That's right. She said...

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Shall we remind ourselves

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how much better men are at the tough political interviews?

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Here's Gavin Esler exuding authority on Newsnight last week.

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ALL GUESTS TALK AT ONCE

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The man who took us into an illegal invasion of Iraq

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and who's left this country less...

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THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

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Gentlemen...

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-They've put up taxes on the poor in order to...

-Gentlemen.

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If that's fairness, all I can say is...

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-It's all yack, yack, yack.

-Mr Prescott?

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Yes, this is the head of Radio 4's Today programme who's been accused

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of sexism after claiming women aren't tough enough

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to work on the show. Edwina Currie weighed into the debate

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about female news presenters insisting...

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I'm sure John Major would agree.

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Better news for womankind was the record number of female astronauts

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being launched into space this week -

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no fewer than three women lifted off from Cape Canaveral

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on board the Space Shuttle,

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although there was an embarrassing moment

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when they all turned up wearing the same outfit.

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Fingers on buzzers - here's the first clue to your last story.

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Is it John Major again?

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Oddly contoured for an empty pair of pants that, isn't it?

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Here's another clue.

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It's more pants!

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RICHARD: It's not the new Olympic logo, is it? It looks like it.

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Is it the women in the Space Shuttle husbands' underwear,

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waiting in the laundry basket for them to come back?

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LAUGHTER

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You better tell us.

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Tyneside, South Tyneside, a man called Gary Craig...

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Collects underpants.

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..who has given himself a catchy nickname of Geordie Pantsman.

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Is it to do with putting a different pair of pants on every day

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and by the end of the week not being able to put your trousers on?

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-No.

-It's like the joke where if you walked for 50 miles a day

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at the of the week, you're in Aberdeen? It's the same joke.

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-Do you know any jokes, Alexander?

-No, not a one.

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That's a shame, isn't it?

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It's a simple record-breaking tale. He put on 211 pairs of pants...

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And by the end of the week, he couldn't get his trousers off.

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Although he was in Aberdeen.

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He was actually in South Tyneside, which is some of the way there.

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Let's have a look at him.

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Thank God he had one pair on to begin with, eh?

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He could get another pair on there, why is he stopping?

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Was he called Geordie Pantsman first

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and then thought, "I've got to live up to this name somehow"?

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"I'll move to Newcastle and I'll put on some pants."

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That's it, is it? He puts on pants? An activity most people manage themselves once a day.

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What's the most pair of pants you've ever put on, Ian Hislop?

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One pair. 212.

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211 actually. He didn't make the 212.

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Do you know why he didn't put on 212 pairs?

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-Cos I had them on.

-He'd run out of pants.

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According to Pantsman...

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Surely this is something you would have planned before, isn't it?

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But 212 pairs would just be silly.

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Who turned up to see Geordie Pantsman in action?

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Pierce Brosnan? No?

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No, about 150 people. Each paid three quid with the additional draw

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of a bar, a disco and...

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They're in the bin liner. There they are.

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On beating the previous record holder who lives in Australia, Gary boasted...

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Time now for the odd one out round.

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-Paul and Richard, here's yours.

-OK.

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Tittle Cott Bridge in West Yorkshire.

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Marathon bars.

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The English Channel and the Co-op's ambient sausage roll.

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Ambient sausage roll. Well, the English Channel

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was recently in the news this week, because I think it's the French

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or somebody wants to rename it the English Pond.

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So is it about things being renamed?

0:18:340:18:37

Like Marathon has famously become Snickers over the years.

0:18:370:18:40

Gradually. It started off being Sarathon and became Snarathon.

0:18:400:18:43

So it's about name changes, isn't it?

0:18:450:18:47

All these have been considered for name changes,

0:18:470:18:49

but the only one that's changed it's name is Marathon.

0:18:490:18:52

-No.

-The Channel hasn't been named.

0:18:520:18:54

Right. The Channel hasn't been renamed.

0:18:540:18:56

They've all been renamed, apart from the English Channel,

0:18:560:18:58

which EU planners want to rename the Anglo-French Pond as part of an effort towards...

0:18:580:19:02

That should improve relations between us and France for ever.

0:19:060:19:10

In 1990, Marathons were renamed Snickers to bring them into line

0:19:100:19:13

with the global brand.

0:19:130:19:14

It was originally named after a horse belonging to the owners.

0:19:140:19:17

Ironic the horse had been gelded, so no longer contained nuts.

0:19:170:19:22

Tittle Cott Bridge - anyone followed the story of Tittle Cott bridge?

0:19:220:19:26

It saw its name restored to the more traditional Tickle Cock Bridge,

0:19:260:19:29

after angry local residents launched a campaign.

0:19:290:19:32

A local newspaper said the council had been embarrassed, because...

0:19:320:19:35

No, it's not an innuendo.

0:19:390:19:43

It's a statement of fact.

0:19:430:19:45

-Which group was particularly outraged?

-Pedants.

0:19:450:19:49

No. The...

0:19:490:19:51

Their slogan is "Eh?".

0:19:530:19:57

Yes. Can no-one think of any other UK locations

0:19:580:20:01

that might need renaming cos they're a bit rude?

0:20:010:20:03

Six Mile Bottom in Suffolk.

0:20:030:20:05

I always laugh when I drive past that.

0:20:050:20:07

There's Funbag Drive in Watford.

0:20:070:20:09

And they may be heading to Hampshire to change the name of this place.

0:20:140:20:18

'Surrounded by nature, the perfect getaway.

0:20:180:20:22

'Sheer, natural beauty.

0:20:220:20:25

'Located in the New Forest National Park.

0:20:250:20:28

'Sandy Balls Holiday Centre...'

0:20:280:20:30

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:20:300:20:32

'An exceptional holiday experience.

0:20:320:20:35

'From luxury lodges to caravans and camping,

0:20:350:20:38

'Sandy Balls, the year-round forest destination.'

0:20:380:20:41

-On to the ambient sausage roll.

-Ambient sausage roll, yeah.

0:20:410:20:44

Managers at the Co-op have agreed to remove the description "ambient"

0:20:440:20:47

from its sausage roll labels

0:20:470:20:48

after admitting they don't know what it meant.

0:20:480:20:51

LAUGHTER

0:20:510:20:55

In other renaming news, what job title has been glammed up

0:20:550:20:58

to attract a higher calibre of candidate?

0:20:580:21:00

-Prime Minister!

-Dustman. Dustbin men.

0:21:000:21:03

According to the Daily Star, a pool lifeguard in Ceredigion, Wales

0:21:030:21:06

has been renamed...

0:21:060:21:07

I'm going. I'm going there now.

0:21:130:21:15

That covers more than swimming for some people, I tell you.

0:21:150:21:19

Yes. They have all been renamed, apart from the English Channel,

0:21:190:21:24

which EU planners want to rename the Anglo-French Pond.

0:21:240:21:28

In Castleford, residents fought a campaign to retain the name of local landmark...

0:21:280:21:32

There are other places with names that would make most people embarrassed to live there.

0:21:320:21:37

There's Shitterton in Dorset,

0:21:370:21:39

Twatt in Shetland.

0:21:390:21:40

Ian and Victoria, your four are...

0:21:450:21:48

Anthea Turner, Welsh TV channel S4C,

0:21:480:21:51

the funeral of Sir William Ormerod and a public toilet in Macclesfield.

0:21:510:21:56

Sir William Ormerod you know about.

0:21:560:22:00

When we had a memorial service for my dad,

0:22:000:22:02

I got a tip-off that we might be visited

0:22:020:22:04

by a serial gang of funeral crashers,

0:22:040:22:07

these rather unsavoury people

0:22:070:22:09

who knock about funerals of strangers in the hope of a free drink.

0:22:090:22:12

So I invented Sir William Ormerod and put him on the internet

0:22:120:22:16

and said there would be free drink after the funeral

0:22:160:22:18

for family and friends only.

0:22:180:22:19

They wrote to me, "I was so sorry to hear of Sir William's death.

0:22:190:22:22

"I used to know him in the '40s in Yorkshire." Stuff like that.

0:22:220:22:25

Plan A was to actually hold the funeral

0:22:250:22:29

and fill all the free sandwiches with laxatives.

0:22:290:22:31

But then I thought that might be a bit childish,

0:22:330:22:37

so I didn't do that.

0:22:370:22:38

Once I knew who they were, I wrote about them in the paper.

0:22:380:22:40

RICHARD: If they want free food,

0:22:400:22:42

if you go to a Holiday Inn Express before 9.30, there's free breakfast.

0:22:420:22:45

They don't check that you're staying at the hotel.

0:22:450:22:49

That's going to be an interesting rush on Saturday morning around the country.

0:22:490:22:54

The Welsh channel you mentioned,

0:22:540:22:56

wasn't that recently in the news because some of its programmes

0:22:560:23:00

-weren't technically getting any viewers at all?

-Yes.

0:23:000:23:03

Do S4C just show a picture of a dragon?

0:23:030:23:05

That's one of their more popular programmes.

0:23:050:23:08

So they're not getting any viewers.

0:23:080:23:10

William whatshisname didn't get any people at his funeral.

0:23:100:23:14

-Is that the line we should be going down?

-Yes.

0:23:140:23:16

They all failed to attract public interest,

0:23:160:23:18

apart from the funeral of Sir William Ormerod,

0:23:180:23:20

which did indeed attract attendees, despite being totally fictitious.

0:23:200:23:25

How many people used the toilet in Macclesfield

0:23:250:23:27

between August 2008 and July 2009?

0:23:270:23:29

Four, and three of them were on the outside.

0:23:290:23:31

637...

0:23:340:23:37

..which works out at...

0:23:390:23:41

If anyone's watching, they can come and use my toilet for £25.

0:23:410:23:45

VICTORIA: Apparently, you can use the toilets free

0:23:450:23:47

at the Holiday Inn on a Saturday morning.

0:23:470:23:49

You've got to talk yourself into somebody's room, though.

0:23:500:23:54

"Just coming in to use the toilet."

0:23:540:23:56

According to the Macclesfield Express, the most popular toilet

0:23:570:24:01

is in West Street, which was used on...

0:24:010:24:02

See "separate" - what's a separate...?

0:24:050:24:07

I like to save it all up for one special...!

0:24:070:24:10

One conjoined occasion!

0:24:100:24:14

It makes Christmas for me.

0:24:140:24:16

Anthea Turner was forced to cancel all...

0:24:160:24:19

sorry - BOTH - the dates

0:24:190:24:21

of her Perfect Housewife tour, following poor ticket sales.

0:24:210:24:25

Leave her alone!

0:24:250:24:26

Two people wanted to come and see her. It's not bad, is it?

0:24:260:24:30

It's not bad, but it's certainly not brilliant!

0:24:300:24:32

The Welsh TV channel, S4C - a recent report revealed that viewing figures

0:24:320:24:36

for some programmes were so low, they officially registered as zero.

0:24:360:24:40

Can you name any of the programmes that failed to attract any viewers?

0:24:400:24:45

The Anthea Turner Roadshow live from Preston.

0:24:450:24:48

According to The Telegraph...

0:24:480:24:50

Yes, they have all failed to attract public interest,

0:24:540:24:57

apart from the funeral of Sir William Ormerod,

0:24:570:24:59

which did attract attention, despite being totally factitious.

0:24:590:25:03

Anthea Turner's Perfect Housewife tour has been cancelled,

0:25:030:25:06

following disastrous ticket sales.

0:25:060:25:08

According to her own website...

0:25:080:25:10

Although, ironically, no build-up of traffic around the theatre, Anthea.

0:25:140:25:18

We seem to have it in for her, don't we?

0:25:180:25:21

You've got a tour coming up, haven't you?

0:25:210:25:23

-Yeah.

-Advertised a year ago. How's that going?

0:25:230:25:26

It's all right. Yeah, we're selling tickets, Paul.

0:25:260:25:30

-You're selling tickets, are you?

-Not in Preston, sadly, but...

0:25:300:25:33

Wow. Look at that.

0:25:340:25:37

There IS an Anthea Turner!

0:25:370:25:39

This is like a very, very poor Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

0:25:390:25:43

Tell you one thing about this programme,

0:25:450:25:47

everybody's transfixed by a piece of paper that's coming down.

0:25:470:25:51

That says a lot about our content, doesn't it?

0:25:510:25:53

"My God! What's this? Vera, come in from the kitchen - look!"

0:25:530:25:58

Time now for the missing words round,

0:25:590:26:01

which this week features as its guest publication,

0:26:010:26:04

the Pylon Appreciation Society newsletter.

0:26:040:26:06

Issue 12 of the Pylon Appreciation Society newsletter

0:26:060:26:10

features these pictures,

0:26:100:26:11

pointing out that the photograph in the centre

0:26:110:26:14

was taken from a moving train.

0:26:140:26:16

Just out of shot, there's a train spotter shouting, "Get a life!"

0:26:160:26:20

And we start with...

0:26:220:26:23

Is it, "I used to get constantly interrupted, but... Not now!"

0:26:260:26:29

Oh! Ann Widdecombe!

0:26:340:26:36

-Oh, no!

-No?

0:26:360:26:38

Sorry, I've got this thing where I just suddenly say her name.

0:26:380:26:42

This is one of the least embarrassing times it's happened, to be honest.

0:26:420:26:46

It's when I get quite excited...

0:26:460:26:48

"Sorry about that, dear!"

0:26:480:26:50

This is according to Labour supporter Robert Harris.

0:26:500:26:54

His novel, The Ghost, has just been made into a film

0:26:540:26:56

directed by Roman Polanski.

0:26:560:26:58

It comes out with a 15 rating,

0:26:580:27:00

but Polanski swears it was an 18.

0:27:000:27:01

Next...

0:27:030:27:04

Developed the free-standing pylon.

0:27:070:27:10

Yes, he's right. He's absolutely right.

0:27:100:27:12

I think you should have that, yes.

0:27:120:27:14

Narrowly beating this...

0:27:170:27:18

And finally...

0:27:210:27:22

New novelist! Yeah, because she knew where they lived

0:27:250:27:29

and she and dropped off a novel that she'd written

0:27:290:27:32

that been turned down by publishers,

0:27:320:27:34

and it's been accepted and it's doing well.

0:27:340:27:36

This is exactly right.

0:27:360:27:38

It made a pleasant change for Richard.

0:27:380:27:40

He normally finds Judy on the doorstep.

0:27:400:27:42

So, the final scores are...

0:27:440:27:45

..Ian and Victoria have 5,

0:27:470:27:49

Paul and Richard have 9.

0:27:490:27:50

-Pathetic!

-Oh!

0:27:500:27:51

APPLAUSE

0:27:510:27:53

I'll leave you with news that at a multiplex in Tehran,

0:27:580:28:00

there's evidence that Iranian technology is lagging behind

0:28:000:28:04

at a 3D screening of Avatar.

0:28:040:28:05

As the Tory campaign ventures into a traditional Labour seat,

0:28:080:28:11

the Camerons regret their visit to a local superglue factory.

0:28:110:28:14

And in the Mediterranean, the paparazzi snap one of Russia's

0:28:200:28:23

most famous personalities on holiday with his family.

0:28:230:28:26

Good night.

0:28:300:28:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:480:28:51

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:510:28:54