Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

-The first ever debate between the leaders is on - now.

-Yes.

-On the other side.

-Yes, let's see what's happening.

So you could switch over and watch the interesting bits now.

Welcome back!

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Robert Webb.

In the news this week, at a concert in London,

there's an uncomfortable moment for Ricky Martin

when he spots his stalker in the audience.

LAUGHTER

After the sad death of the world's smallest man,

someone enquires whether his clothes will be on eBay.

LAUGHTER

And after enjoying a gaffe-free start to the campaign,

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg relaxes at his last photo op of the week.

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team is an actor from the Channel 4 drama series Shameless.

He plays a character who lives somewhere absolutely dreadful -

the north!

Please welcome Manchester's third most famous Gallagher, David Threlfall.

APPLAUSE

And on Paul's team is a comedian

who recently hosted the confessional chat show

I've Never Seen Star Wars on late-night BBC Four,

which is probably why I've never seen I've Never Seen Star Wars.

Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and David, take a look at this.

-Oh, yes.

-The Prime Minister meeting the voters.

-"I am Gordon..."

-In front of a cornfield!

There's that stalker again.

-Oh, there's a midget on Penny Lane.

-It's Clegg.

# We are the three amigos... #

"And this is Paul's skin I got in the settlement as well."

This is the election.

-Isn't it?

-Yes, it absolutely is, and it's all go.

-They're wheeling out their top supporters - Heather Mills...

-Ah!

-..for the Lib Dems.

-Oh!

She's being paid by the other two parties.

-LAUGHTER

-It's true!

You feel incredibly sorry for the Lib Dems. Who else is coming up?

It's...Dr Crippen!

But apart from wheeling out the celebs,

they brought out the manifestos?

Right. Yes, indeed. We've got a cover of the Labour manifesto.

It's lovely. Who wouldn't want to live there?

-Yeah...

-Bang!

It does look like a nuclear explosion!

They're going, "I remember when all this was banks!"

LAUGHTER

It's socialist realism, isn't it?

Indeed, a bit of socialist realism.

It's an attempt by Gordon to suggest

-that the future is going to be socialist.

-Yes.

-Which it isn't.

In fact, some papers have noticed the similarity

to this Chairman Mao poster.

LAUGHTER

Not quite sure if that was the message we were hoping for.

I think the message is the sun shines out of the leader's bottom...in both cases.

-In fact, we've made a little special thing...

-A special thing?

-We've made a little special thing.

-Lovely.

-You treat us!

-A special thing.

-A special thing!

-Not for the last time tonight, Paul.

-Oh, really?

-A special thing...

-How exciting! I might stay up!

-LAUGHTER

The other thing it reminds me a little bit of...

Yeah, OK.

LAUGHTER

Where's the rest of the Cabinet?

Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po - there's quite a lot of him about.

Time for Tubby bye-byes, I suspect.

Gordon's speeches are going down terrifically well on the campaign trail. Let's have a look at one.

And we've got a situation where unless you have a global financial agreement

about how you're going to tax the banking system...

LAUGHTER

Gordon Brown began the week in his home county of Fife.

His wife Sarah got on the campaign trail persuading voters

that her husband is a nice, normal sort of guy.

Unfortunately, she made the mistake of taking him with her.

LAUGHTER

What's he sat on?

Something hilarious!

How did Lord Mandelson describe the Labour manifesto?

He said it was "Blair plus" -

it was what Gordon wanted,

plus what Tony used to want, and it equals...

..nothing!

It's like Imodium Plus, really.

You take it...

if there's a massive amount of shit running through it,

that's the one you take then.

-Yeah.

-If the shit just absolutely won't stop.

That's a lovely image to leave!

There was a lovely and touching moment - here's a press conference

where Gordon is asked about his wife Sarah.

She's the love of my life, and we work well together,

and we like going round the country together,

and I'm looking forward to the campaign.

There you are. Isn't that nice? Thank you very much indeed.

LAUGHTER

He's just so patronising.

It's like he's a ventriloquist, isn't it?

"That's enough about people that aren't ME!"

And which celebrities have come out in support of Labour?

-David Tennant.

-Oh, yes.

-They've got Dr Who.

With a Time Lord on their side, surely anything is possible!

Meanwhile, who's come out for the Lib Dems?

Is it the Daleks?

It's the Daleks - both the Daleks, and, of course,

the much-loved national treasure, Heather Mills.

What about the Tories?

They've got Michael Caine.

We're doing that in a bit, but we could do that now. Is that what happens?

-Is that where we all do the impression of Michael Caine?

-Yeah.

-Great.

-We'll look forward to that!

The Baron of Bedwellty made an appearance on the Andrew Marr Show.

Lord Kinnock!

Yes. Let's see what he said.

Now, talking of attractive politicians, of course,

Gordon has got a radio face.

LAUGHTER

Does that mean he'll be going digital in two years' time?

Yeah, the big switch-off.

You would think with friends like that...

I mean, he gave the man a peerage!

He gave his wife a job in Europe - so ungrateful.

"You're not much of an oil painting!"

"Yeah, ugly! Thanks for the peerage!"

That's how he talks at home!

LAUGHTER Yeah!

Now, some constituencies have got a celebrity actually standing...

Esther Rantzen in Luton?

Esther Rantzen, absolutely.

I spent four weeks learning French with Esther Rantzen in Provence.

Could you not have done the community service instead?!

The week started badly for Labour thanks to this man.

What did he do that people found offensive?

-He Tweeted.

-Yes. Does anybody know exactly what he said?

He swore a lot on his texts?

It's even better.

And did he mention chavs?

-He may have done, but that's not the answer on the card, Paul...

-Ian.

AUDIENCE: Oh-h!

Ian, Ian! It's worth us getting badges. I've always said that. Ian, Ian, Ian.

Stuart MacLennan, a Labour candidate for Moray

who was sacked for Tweeting offensive things. He said...

And having secured the elderly vote,

he moved on to ethical issues...

But to be fair, he did show some depth of thought when it came to current political leaders.

That's a bit pot and kettle for me!

Anyone want to say anything about Nick Clegg and the Lib Dem campaign?

No? OK!

Well, according to The Times, at a care home for the elderly in Cardiff,

84-year-old Ken Stacey was asked what he thought of Clegg.

What did he say was making his head spin?

Osteopath?

That would make more sense.

Was it an exorcist?

-No.

-No? OK.

-In an interview with The Observer, Nick Clegg said...

All those years of people saying the Lib Dems are indecisive!

According to The News Of The World,

four in ten Lib Dem voters are prepared to vote tactically.

The other six are just going to waste their vote, as usual.

Paul, Marcus, here's yours.

Right.

-I was at school with him.

-Were you?

David Cameron, obviously. "Where did you get those jackets from?"

-And there's a...

-Hey!

And that's maybe the Conservative Party Manifesto,

which is a nice sturdy blue. You could leave it on your mantelpiece

-if the Archbishop of Canterbury came for tea.

-Exactly.

-Who wrote the Tories' manifesto?

-Oliver Letwin.

-Yes, it was.

Guttenplan, Emmanuel. Bzzt!

We've got a lovely picture of Oliver Letwin.

-Yes!

-There we go!

Haven't seen that for a while!

MARCUS: Those are really working for him, aren't they?

DAVID: Should have gone to Specsavers!

-What was the main message of David Cameron?

-Time for change.

This is what opposition parties have to say when they've been in opposition for a while.

His change is basically, "We can't think of what to do. You do it".

That's what he's suggesting.

If we don't like, you know, a local hospital or whatever,

we'd have to run it.

-That's fair enough.

-You and I.

-I can do that.

-I can't do Sundays.

-Oh, OK.

Who's running the police and the school?

-Oh, I'll do them.

-He'll do those.

The good thing is that so many of the children are now criminalised,

we can just merge the police and the schools...

Get rid of the teachers. APPLAUSE

Just put the police in the classroom.

Do we want "people" running things, really?

I've met some people, and oh, blimey!

How did Nick Clegg describe this "power to the people" manifesto?

Did he say, "I don't want to run the country.

-"That's why I'm a Lib Dem"?

-Er, no.

It's the only bias you're allowed to show nowadays,

is against the third party.

Do we have to be equal on this, then, and give equal time to...?

Absolutely. All parties.

What if people switch off before the end of the programme?

-You have to go round their house and tell them what you said.

-Really?

That's why I can't visit on Sundays.

David Cameron said he wants to encourage anyone to empower themselves...

Unless you're a gay couple and you want to stay in a B&B.

Is that what Chris Grayling said? This is what he...?

-Chris Grayling, who's the Shadow Home Secretary...

-Yes.

He said that he thought if you owned a B&B,

you could turn down a gay couple who wanted to come and stay,

but you are running a public business and it's against the law.

There are laws about that.

He fell victim to it

cos they misheard when he said he was a "homo-secretary",

and they kicked him out of one, and it's always pissed him off.

There was a fantastic letter to one of the newspapers.

Someone said, "Writing as a homosexual man,

"I want to know what any gay couple are doing checking into a B&B

"when they should be moving into a boutique hotel."

Fair play to him!

How has Cameron been trying to row back

from Chris Grayling's comments about B&B owners?

He said it's Conservative policy that you can,

and if you're a B&B owner and you turn down gay couples,

then that's a lot of the Shadow Cabinet.

You can't say that, which is just ludicrous,

so he said, "No, we're not doing that".

-Yes.

-Are there a lot of gay couples in the Shadow...?

There's Alan Duncan, which I consider a lot!

LAUGHTER

He's not likely to stay in a B&B

because he's got so many houses of his own, but...

Yes, David Cameron did an interview with the Pink News, in which he said...

Adding, "Especially if any gays have touched it".

I think... I think that's what he said. I think that's right.

Here is David Cameron recently, making it absolutely clear

what the Tory policy is on gay issues.

When you often say you have free votes in this Parliament,

the Parliament for which you're responsible,

if you accept, as you did at the beginning of the interview,

that gay equality is basically...

No, sorry, you're right.

-Should it be a free vote?

-The answer about...

Sorry. Sorry. Um... No, you're right.

The two... Sorry, the two... Um...

Ahh... LAUGHTER

-You say it's a free vote.

-Yeah.

-You want us to vote for you.

No, I think... Hold on...

-If we vote for you, we want you to vote for us.

-I do...

Can we stop for a second?

I really want to answer these questions. It's really hard. I'm finding...

Either can we do a television interview or a press interview?

I'd almost like to start completely from scratch.

-He looked like he was having an Eton flashback there.

-Yes.

Being asked questions by an angry homosexual.

LAUGHTER

What has David Cameron been using as a backdrop for photos

to show he's in touch with the common folk?

I don't know.

-The Labour Party have got a big wheat field.

-Yes.

-It's not that?

To show they're in touch with...wheat.

-It's actually beer and bread.

-Oh.

There he is with some loaves.

He visited a bread factory. That's not just a backdrop.

The first thing he said to the workers, who depend on selling bread, was,

"I've got a bread-making machine at home".

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

There was a report this week that said white bread is cancerous

and all that as well, it's not a good choice.

Are you saying he gives you cancer?

Er, yes, hypothetically.

In terms of balance,

we have to suggest that also, the leaders of the Labour Party

and Lib Dems will also give you very serious illnesses.

Nick Clegg will give you a mild...

-A Chinese burn or something?

-Yeah.

-But Gordon will give you AIDS, so...

-LAUGHTER

You heard it here first.

It's nearly time for the Michael Caine Impressions round.

Who has been roped in to support the Conservatives?

-MARCUS: Is it Michael Caine?

-Yes, it's Michael Caine!

He said...

Yes, cos it's middle-income earners like Sir Michael Caine

who've really struggled.

Still, at least he's not Heather Mills.

Not to be outdone, Dave chipped in with a gag.

As a project, I hope it does more than just blow the bloody doors off.

Bang! He's on fire. "Yes, I'll take a question".

- I'm here all week. - Crunch!

-Can anyone do a Michael Caine impression?

-Yes.

Michael Caine, he's backstage at the Woodstock Festival in 1968

and he's organised a load of prostitutes to look after the bands.

When he comes back, he says, "What did you do for this band?

"Oh, look, for the Doors,

"you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

DAVID CHEERS

Top of my head.

Later on, it was Lulu

and hundreds of other impersonators,

and he shouted, "Lulus! Thousands of them."

LAUGHTER

That was just as good.

If that's the standard, we can all have a go!

Elsewhere, the UKIP leaders have got together

and come up with a brilliant new poster.

It used to be a catchphrase in the Catholic Church.

LAUGHTER

I think that's "tot", isn't it?

-"Sod the tot"? Um...

-AUDIENCE GROANS

This is the first British election to feature leader debates

and right now ITV are hosting the first one,

showing the other broadcasters how it should be done.

Louis Walsh is currently moaning about being given Nick Clegg to mentor.

And so to round two, Strange But True.

Buzz when you know what it is.

BELL

It's a new starter home.

Is this a man who tried to post himself?

-Yes.

-Is it?

-Yes, it is.

-LAUGHTER

This is the news that a burglar

has been posting himself to businesses in order to rob them.

Fantastic. Fantastic!

-How does he get out with the loot?

-How does he get himself delivered?

Does he get into the box outside a Post Office with an address on it

and hope the postman will go, "I must have missed that earlier, a 15-stone package"?

-Unsurprisingly...

-Is that him there?

He looks like he's been very good to pose for photographs!

Maybe the police, to take the piss out of him,

got somebody to come along to an identity parade

and said, "Everybody has to sit in a box".

Did you know what ruined the plan in the end?

-Wrong postage.

-Not enough.

This isn't a British story, though, is it?

No, he's Polish.

Yeah, cos you'd just die in the box, wouldn't you, waiting to be sent?

They force him through the letter box!

"Do not bend"! It specifically said!

He had an accomplice

whose job was to deliver him to courier firms

but instead, decided to tip off the police.

-The accomplice went...

-"POLISH" ACCENT:

-"This is bullshit."

Nice Polish accent there, Rob(!)

Thanks! You're the proper actor, I'll leave it to you.

-Why don't you say it?

-No! No!

OK, don't start what you can't finish!

The police came to the thief's house to arrest him

but in the end just left a card saying,

"We called but you were out, please go to your nearest prison."

What crimes have Cambridgeshire Police been accused of this week?

Were these the police

who went into people's homes, broke into people's homes,

to show that their homes weren't safe from being burgled?

-Oh, I read about that, but no.

-No, OK.

They've been accused of printing a leaflet containing...

This is by the Plain English Campaign.

-Any idea what it might have been?

-"Have you got this leaflet?"

It was in fact...

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Ah, this is pornography for blind people.

-Yes.

Yes, this is a new pornographic magazine for the blind

which has been launched complete with Braille text and raised pictures of naked men and women.

Are they still on the top shelf? That would seem a bit churlish.

It would say in the newsagents, "No feeling."

Can anyone guess what some of the images are of?

-There's got to be a bit of "wha-ha-ha" in there somewhere.

-And some "phwoar"!

-"Woah-ah"!

A bit of "wha-aa-aa"! A bit of "brr-rr-rr"!

And a bit of "hey-hey-hey"!

-I think, actually, this is pornography for the deaf.

-Yes.

According to the Daily Mirror...

Thank you, Prime Minister, now get back to your campaign.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Tony McCoy, a motorist in the bus lane in Southwark, Pepper Pig

and Joan Hall of Derbyshire.

Tony McCoy won the Grand National at the weekend.

-Well, the horse did, really.

-Oh, the horse did, yeah.

On the way out from the Grand National,

he got a speeding ticket, I think.

He was caught driving whilst talking on his mobile, which resulted in a £30 fine

and three points on his licence.

And the pig, she was recently in trouble.

She's one of these characters in a BBC cartoon series

-and she was in a car and wasn't wearing a seat belt.

-Correct.

They weren't fussed about just the idea of a pig driving a car?

LAUGHTER

That was fine.

There was a squeal of brakes and off she went!

LAUGHTER

So, it's about people breaking traffic laws

but I don't know who the woman is at the bottom.

I presume she is the odd one out, cos I don't know who she is.

Correct. They've all been accused of motoring offences

apart from Joan Hall,

who is a blameless motorist, and had nothing to do with her car ending up crushed.

-Shall we just see what happened?

-Mmmm.

I was on my way back from the post office and I saw a neighbour coming down our passageway

and he said to me, "A rock has hit your car".

I thought it would be a little stone.

When I saw the size of it, it was a five-ton boulder.

LAUGHTER

Those Top Gear boys really are out of control.

I thought it was a Tim Vine joke.

Someone says, "Something's hit your car".

"What? Boulder?"

SOMETHING'S HIT YOUR CAR!

LAUGHTER

Plucky Joan reacted to this very lucky escape. What did she say?

-It's my husband you'll feel sorry for. He's in the front seat.

-LAUGHTER

They managed to get him out via the glove compartment.

She said...

Blimey. Derbyshire sounds intriguing.

LAUGHTER

Pepper Pig came under criticism earlier this year for not wearing a seat belt.

Can anyone name any of the other characters on the show?

Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig...

There's an exhaustive list, actually. There's...

LAUGHTER

The motorist in the bus lane in Southwark, faced with a £120 fine,

offered up a rather unusual excuse.

-Is this about the aliens?

-Yes, it was about a UFO.

He told an appeal that, while he never normally strays into bus lanes,

he was forced to take...

LAUGHTER

Does anybody know other excuses

that motorists have given Southwark Council? There's no reason why you should.

"I was pissed". That usually works.

One driver tried to get out of a parking fine by claiming...

LAUGHTER

Excuses for speeding have included...

LAUGHTER

Speaking of UFOs, which politician has reportedly had a bit of trouble with UFOs?

-No, who is it?

-It was Michael Howard.

-Oh, yes.

-Released MoD files have revealed reports of...

LAUGHTER

Eyewitness reports describe the craft as...

LAUGHTER

Now, I'm no expert, but that might be...a jumbo jet.

Or Ann Widdecombe. LAUGHTER AND DISAPPROVING NOISES

Meanwhile in Oxford, a learner driver's lesson ended like this.

The instructor told the learner driver, "When I hit the dashboard with my forehead,

-"I want you to call an ambulance".

-LAUGHTER

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication,

At Your Fingertips - the newsletter of the Dorset Thimble Society.

Yes, the publishers like nothing more

than playing a game of Hunt The Reader.

And we start with...

-Crumble under pressure.

-LAUGHTER

-Caught hobnobbing.

-LAUGHTER

MARCUS: Arrest disproportionate number of Bourbons.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The answer is...

Next...

-Chinese restaurant.

-LAUGHTER

MARCUS: It's not the transport union, is it?

LAUGHTER

-Is it Van Gogh?

-It's not Van Gogh.

-Isn't it?

-No.

-No, it's Van Go.

-That's a removal firm, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

-The answer is GMTV.

-Oh, yeah.

This is a quote from Emma Crosby, apparently the main anchor on GMTV,

who said...

Yes, because they are, what, 20 years behind the rest of television? Next...

DAVID: And you are? LAUGHTER

It's actually...

It's a fridge-freezer that can record and play back voice messages such as,

"We are out of milk", or, "Get more butter", but in Eamonn Holmes' case,

-it'll be reduced to repeating the words, "Not so fast, fatty".

-LAUGHTER

Finally...

-Extreme sexual deviancy.

-LAUGHTER

I'm going again next year.

MARCUS: Is it, "The crushing futility of existence"?

We're orbiting in to the next spectrum there, aren't we?

The answer is...

The final scores are - Ian and David have five,

-Paul and Marcus have nine!

-Nine, yeah.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

LAUGHTER

MARCUS: Lib Dem manifesto launch a success.

LAUGHTER

MARCUS: Not in my B&B.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know what the crime was, but this is a hell of an identity parade.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and David Threlf-f-f...

LAUGHTER

MARCUS: Say, "Off of Shameless".

The bloke off of Shameless, Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke.

I leave you with news that in central London, as David Cameron finalises his lines of attack

for the leadership debate, a suspicious character is spotted inside a nearby white van.

LAUGHTER

Germaine Greer's reputation is shattered by the publication

of a photo of her with her first boyfriend.

LAUGHTER

Before taking to the podium for the leadership debate,

David Cameron has one last try at sincere.

LAUGHTER

And during filming for the latest episode of Who Do You Think You Are,

the guest celebrity discovers he is a direct descendant of Hungarian Jews.

LAUGHTER

-Goodnight.

-APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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