Episode 4 Have I Got News for You


Episode 4

Another edition of the popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Jeremy Clarkson, and guest panellists including Andy Hamilton and Clare Balding.


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Transcript


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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

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In the news this week, in a key marginal,

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as their policies fail to convince, there were signs that Labour

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are now attempting to win over voters one at a time.

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On his winter campaign on the Isle of Wight,

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Gordon Brown regrets asking the captain for a go at the wheel.

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In London, one man proves that riding on the pavement

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ISN'T the most annoying thing that a cyclist can do.

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And, after analysing the first leadership debate,

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body language experts conclude that, in the event of a hung parliament,

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Nick Clegg would dither and then join the Tories.

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On Ian's team is a broadcaster and journalist

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who presents Ramblings for Radio 4,

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where she interviews a celebrity while rambling through the serene

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British countryside over other people's property.

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Please welcome Clare Balding.

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APPLAUSE

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And on Paul's team is a writer and comedian

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who presented BBC Four's It's Only A Theory.

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A panel show that mixed science and comedy.

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A bit like those people who claim

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that global warming is caused by humans.

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Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

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Yes, this is a volcano, of course, in Iceland.

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This is the emergency cabinet thrown together.

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People were stuck abroad, and there they are being stuck abroad.

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And they had to hire ships and various things

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to try and get back to this island because for six days

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-we had no planes in the air.

-That's the world's longest game of I Spy.

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There's never one of those kids with a squeegee when you want one, is there?

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I think this is the earth, the planet, the universe is telling us

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which way people should consider voting in the next general election.

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How?

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The volcano has been going for about 10,000 years, 20,000 years,

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so it's timing isn't exactly right.

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But it's basically saying "Ash Down". It's 15 years out.

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It's 15 years out but it's saying "Ash Down". That's what it's saying.

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APPLAUSE

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-This is the, um...

-Yes!

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Is Paul going to get points for knowing that a volcano exploded?

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Who was the man to the left of Peter Mandelson in that picture?

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-Lord Adonis.

-Yes, what a great name.

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It's a name that raises false expectations.

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Various terribly important people got stuck, including you. In Poland.

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-I wasn't stuck. I just used my ingenuity and got back.

-Yes.

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You got stuck, didn't you?

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No, I used my ingenuity and found a man who was driving to Calais.

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-And hopped on his car.

-You just got in a man's car?

-Yeah, pretty much.

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A man called Sidney. I would like to say thank you to Sidney. Yes

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-Were you more stuck than that?

-No, not really. We were in Poland

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and I realised you couldn't make any jokes

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there cos they were burying everybody, and so...

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, that's when people want a laugh the best.

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Get a whoopee cushion, put it in the earth.

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So I went to Berlin and got the plane to Brussels.

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But then Brussels closed so I went to Prague, then flew to Paris

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and got the last car that they had. It was all very simple, actually.

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-Yeah.

-All those people who're queuing and whinging...

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Being pathetic, really?

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A lot of them, yes.

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What did one American traveller say when she was told

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that all flights back to the States had been cancelled?

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That's a shame. Would that have made the news? Probably not.

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No, she said...

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You were abroad as well, this week, weren't you, Andy?

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-Was I?

-Yeah.

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Don't deny it.

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We have some footage which proves that you were in Pakistan.

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APPLAUSE

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In fact, Mr Wali-ur-Rehman... Why don't you just admit it?

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Yeah, I'm a sleeper. For the...

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You bloody well aren't. You're the deputy leader of the Taliban.

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Well, maybe now I'll get a bit of respect.

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But it was good for six days, though, wasn't it?

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If you were here and you were near an airport...

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Somebody wrote in one of the papers,

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"I was in Kew Gardens and I heard a bee on the other side of the river."

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Did you see that guy who wrote to the Guardian on that very subject?

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Thanks to the planes not flying,

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he was now able to hear the traffic on the North Circular perfectly.

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-It's all going to happen again, isn't it? Because...

-Exactly.

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Volcanoes tend not to work to a schedule. This one will keep going.

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There's a bigger one up the road. The papers are going to love it.

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They were very keen to say the economy is going to collapse. It's all over.

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People will be queuing in supermarkets for exotic fruit.

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I don't know. I haven't had a kiwi for days!

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I thought the real scandal was Icelandic incompetence.

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-Yeah.

-It seems to me very odd that nowhere in Iceland

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have I heard anyone discussing the option of a human sacrifice.

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LAUGHTER

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You laugh. The gods are obviously angry.

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Very angry.

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But they've been appeased now. We've changed the science.

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I love the way science works.

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On day one, it's far too risky for anyone to fly.

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Six days later, everyone has lost a huge amount of money.

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Do you know, I don't think it's so risky any more?

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This was cleared up for us, I thought, quite well.

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This danger business.

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-Yes.

-Yes.

-We've got some footage

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here of a German man who works for Lufthansa explaining his take on it.

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We have seen no impact on the engines.

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No impact on the engines' performance.

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Neither on the cockpit windows, nor on the fuselage.

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I want you to now look at a chap

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from the British Institute of Mechanical Engineers

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and his view on it.

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It is going to crash and everybody on board will die.

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What I thought was extremely funny about the whole thing,

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was seeing the panic in the political parties as they realised that

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they are in an election and they had no official party line on volcanoes.

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The way they all charged in.

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Like, Gordon Brown sent a couple of warships to France.

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Which is just like a default setting.

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-When you're in trouble.

-Exactly.

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And Clegg, I half-expected Clegg to steam in with a promise that Lib Dems

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were going to abolish volcanoes.

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Because they are part of the old geology. People are sick of them.

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Cameron's line?

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-Cameron said...

-"I met a volcano once."

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APPLAUSE

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-Did you see the Guardian's handy Cut-Out-N-Keep guide for worried readers?

-No!

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It provided answers to some of the common questions, obviously,

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that stranded travellers have been asking. For example...

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The answer is...

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Very clear, I think, as a result.

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Is there any reason for me to read the Guardian? Not really.

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There was one Scottish guy who really summed it up, I thought, rather well.

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You only found out when you got to the airport?

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You didn't know in your hotel?

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I hate Iceland!

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LAUGHTER

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To be honest, he might have an issue with frozen food.

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I think we can end this one on a very positive note.

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According to The Times, 1.3 million tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions

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were saved over the past four days because the planes weren't flying.

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Oh, marvellous.

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I can now leave my telly on standby again.

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No, wait, I can't,

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because this was going on while the planes weren't flying.

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Rather more carbon dioxide there.

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I thought that was just the exhaust from your car crossing Europe.

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Yes, this is the Icelandic volcano

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which caused all flights to be grounded for a week.

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Keen to explain the technical complexities of flying

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through volcanic ash, the Daily Star turned to

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BA pilot Eric Moody who explained...

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Negotiating?

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"I'll stay a week initially, but after that...

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"I'll have to check with the wife".

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I think I missed that chapter of Wind In The Willows.

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Doing their bit to spread the panic, the Daily Express reported that

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authorities have warned people to stay in or wear a mask.

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Year-round advice if you are Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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The end of the flight ban is particularly good news for the Samaritans,

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who have been inundated for the past six days with calls

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from distraught plane spotters with nothing left to live for.

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Ian and Clare, have a look at this.

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Oh, it's Nick Clegg!

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-Ah. I agree with Nick.

-It's Clegg, it's Clegg. He's here to stay.

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I agree with Nick.

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And it's Nick Clegg again.

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I agree with Nick. Great dance move there.

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Basically, they've got it's Nick Clegg. That's well done.

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That is indeed Nick Clegg.

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From the man who complained about the fact that we had a volcano.

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I was quite upset, actually.

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We managed to get Radio 4 Long Wave on the journey to Calais.

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And I was really annoyed that the volcano wasn't the lead story. Nick Clegg was.

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Thousands of people having a bad time is nothing compared to

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the media noticing that the Lib Dems have got a leader.

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Up to a week ago, it was impossible to vote for anyone other than

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Labour or Conservative. And then the Liberal Democrat Party was invented.

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That is basically what the papers say. They did their classic act of,

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for the last few years they've gone,

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"Nick Clegg, no one's heard of him. Nick Clegg."

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He does one debate and everyone goes, "Why isn't he under more scrutiny from the papers?"

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Cos you've ignored him.

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You know the second leadership debate is happening right now over on Sky?

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Brilliant scheduling, I think, for the BBC.

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It's brilliant that they've... In fact, there's nobody there.

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-I can just go

-BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.

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They are all watching Nick Clegg on the other side.

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-Is that a firm of solicitors?

-Relax.

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It sounds like a firm of solicitors.

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-No, they're

-BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP

-and Son.

-Oh, yes.

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Yes, commissioners for Oaths, unsurprisingly.

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You obviously noticed that everybody thought Clegg had won the debate.

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He was always going to win it, wasn't he?

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All he had to be was not Cameron and not Brown.

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I mean, the Lib Dems could have put up a chimp.

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And people would have said, "I thought he came across rather well".

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What did he say that was so... I missed the whole debate.

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He basically said, "I am not David Cameron or Gordon Brown."

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And the audience went wild!

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"That's fantastic!"

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Of course, everybody agreed afterwards Clegg had won.

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But the BBC can't say that.

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-BBC News has to be impartial.

-Yes.

-So watch this.

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And then they would do the properties up, paid for by you.

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And pocket the difference in personal profit. They've got away scot-free.

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Our audience seemed to really like that reaction from Nick Clegg.

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Now, the system doesn't work. But that sort of sentence is, I think,

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just completely unacceptable

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in terms of what the public expect for proper punishment.

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There again, the audience seem to react favourably

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to what David Cameron was saying.

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You will not back us and support us on keeping education.

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Why won't you support education spending as we do?

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And Gordon Brown scored well there.

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I like the audience. Look at this. You've got Freddie Flintoff,

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if he was ever to take up murdering.

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Jesus is there!

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Every conceivable different type of person there

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all saying all three of them are all brilliant.

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That's the ghost of John Lennon, I'm sure.

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So what was found in the back of a cab after the first debate?

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-Nick Clegg's notes.

-Yes.

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Do you know what they said?

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No, but it's the first time middle-of-the-road views

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have ever been found in a cab.

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Well, specifically, what they actually said is...

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What have hecklers been saying to him?

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-Who are you?

-One of them did.

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But, no. There was somebody in Swansea who shouted at him...

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Now that needs a snappy comeback, yes? Do you know what he said?

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-You know, Clegg is quite posh.

-Yes.

-You know who he was at school with?

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-Louis Theroux.

-There's one.

-Went to Westminster School, didn't he?

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-He did.

-But that's in his favour,

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cos the House of Commons is there and he knows the area.

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As soon as Clegg appeared getting any sort of support,

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the right-wing papers went mad.

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The Times has put the boot in and The Mail basically said,

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"Have a look at him. I think you'll find he's foreign".

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Not only is he married to a foreign person, his mother... Foreign.

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Grandfather, (foreign.)

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Don't vote for him, cos he's (foreign!)

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You're absolutely right. What they actually said was,

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Apart form the fact he was born in Buckinghamshire, no.

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Tell you what, going back to Louis Theroux.

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You know he claims he was Nick Clegg's fag? He had to wake him up in the morning.

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-Do you know how he woke him up?

-Oh, God.

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It was in the papers and you're quite right to be so alarmed.

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-Really? Yes...

-He woke him...

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Can you stop pulling your face? We're going to move on...

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No! I just saw this as an absolutely classic attempt to smear all public school boys

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by suggesting they are homosexuals.

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-I'm a public schoolboy, ducky.

-I know, Jeremy.

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How did your fag wake you up?

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By bumming me.

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The Star set about exposing some of the Lib Dems' nuttier policies. Do you know what they were?

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They're going to scrap Trident.

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The argument is, we keep Trident cos it's a deterrent,

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but surely we could save the money and just pretend we've got Trident.

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Big cardboard missiles

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and you transport them around the country wherever...

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-Worked for Saddam!

-Yeah!

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Heavily-armed escort.

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Every now and then, you pretend there's been a bit of a nuclear accident and evacuate Wales.

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Now, does anyone get the impression Mandelson isn't very keen on His Gordon-ness?

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I don't know if he's keen - he's just having fun.

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Let's have a look at this facial expression.

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Was Alistair Campbell a good David Cameron when you were practising?

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HE LAUGHS I've been working by going round the country,

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talking to people, listening to what they say

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and what I'll say tonight reflects the messages people are giving me.

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Now, let's have a look at Mandelson's reaction to that.

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That's a face that says,

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"Right, you're on the list."

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This, of course, is the election campaign.

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Nick Clegg lives in London with his Spanish wife and their three children...

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I wonder who wears the trousers in that house.

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Meanwhile, in Southampton, John Prescott campaigned with the local Labour candidate,

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drawing the sort of crowds you'd expect.

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APPLAUSE

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And so to Round Two, which sees a welcome return

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to the Have I Got News For You wheel of news...thing.

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Can I just raise an objection just at the beginning of this as a sporting contest?

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You can't see it. That is a drawback, I admit. Anyway...

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Here is the first spin.

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Wow, it's gone in yellow.

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-Yes, this is the man who can hypnotise rabbits.

-Yes.

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His name's Cliff Penrose.

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What's the name of the bloke?

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Yes, come on, then. How does he do it?

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Some animals, if you just get them on their back

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in a certain position, they go into a trance-like state, don't they?

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I think he does something. Does he rub their head or...?

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I don't know why... That's a sort of rabbit.

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-A rabbity thing.

-Let's talk you through it.

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What he does is, he lays the bunny down.

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Then he soothes Tammy, stroking her head like that.

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Then he, um...

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Oh, heavens! Skip over that!

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I'm really not sure what he's doing there.

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It's one of the perks of the job, isn't it?

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Hypnotising rabbits all day, working alone -

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it gets lonely.

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Got a photograph here of what Tammy looks like at the end.

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-Clearly dead or...

-That rabbit is dead, isn't it?

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But it did give the headline writers, really, a field day.

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Some went with...

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The Mail had...

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And The Telegraph had...

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Cliff rather undermined all that. Do you know how he did that?

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-He said, "I don't hypnotise rabbits."

-Exactly!

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You can't hypnotise a rabbit.

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I've no idea what that man is doing,

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if I'm brutally honest.

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This is Cliff Penrose, who is being hailed for his ability to hypnotise rabbits.

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Mr Penrose employs a special technique to make a rabbit lie lifeless and still,

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though I find a 4x4 is just as effective.

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And here's the next spin.

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Goldman Sachs - they've been caught out and the Americans are charging them with fraud.

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What is it? Is it technically...? Well, anyway - Goldman Sachs.

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-An investment bank, I think.

-Thank you(!)

0:19:400:19:43

-If you want any more financial advice...

-I'll come to you!

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-Me and Paul have made a bit of money.

-We'll be very 'appy to accommodate, know what I mean?

0:19:480:19:52

Interested in a hypnotised rabbit? I've got a shed in the back.

0:19:530:19:56

-Can't shift them.

-OK. What should I do with my money?

0:19:560:19:59

Give it to me.

0:19:590:20:01

I do know the answer to this.

0:20:010:20:03

Goldman Sachs invented a bond to sell to people, which was based on subprime mortgages.

0:20:030:20:09

It was a pretty hopeless thing to sell to people, but they designed it to lose money,

0:20:090:20:14

because one of their other clients was a big hedge-fund manager, who were betting on the bond to lose.

0:20:140:20:20

So they were selling this bond to you, saying, "This is terrific,"

0:20:200:20:23

and behind your back going to their client, "Bet on this, this is complete rubbish."

0:20:230:20:28

Goldman Sachs basically proved that the entire financial collapse wasn't just an act of God or an accident.

0:20:280:20:34

It was a fraud.

0:20:340:20:35

Can I just interrupt at this point?

0:20:350:20:37

Because I should make it plain, the law being as it is,

0:20:370:20:41

Goldman calls the charges, "Completely unfounded in law and fact."

0:20:410:20:45

What does Sachs say?

0:20:450:20:46

"Well, what can you do? You get caught, you get caught."

0:20:480:20:51

APPLAUSE

0:20:520:20:55

Frankly, I can't see any of this making it into the finished programme.

0:20:550:20:59

-Are you worried about libel?

-Yes.

0:20:590:21:01

Unlike you, I haven't ever been done for it before.

0:21:040:21:07

I think there's very little chance of you getting any more than two years.

0:21:070:21:11

And any way, Jeremy,

0:21:110:21:12

back stage you were saying what a bunch of crooks Goldman Sachs were.

0:21:120:21:17

You could present your programme from your cell.

0:21:190:21:22

The mission could be to walk from one end to the other.

0:21:220:21:26

-IMPERSONATES JEREMY:

-In the shortest possible time.

0:21:260:21:29

APPLAUSE

0:21:290:21:31

Of course, Top Gear does mean something different in prison.

0:21:320:21:36

-You'll be all right.

-Yes,

0:21:370:21:39

Goldman Sachs Bank and one of its bosses have been charged with fraud.

0:21:390:21:44

In the wake of the scandal, Goldman Sachs have moved away from the dodgy subprime...

0:21:440:21:48

Bleurgh!

0:21:480:21:49

I said that wrong, sorry.

0:21:490:21:51

You can run that bit at the end, where I go, "Bleurgh!" They always do that,

0:21:510:21:55

-don't you?

-Me? Nothing to do with me.

0:21:550:21:57

When I make a mistake, it always goes in.

0:21:570:21:59

-It's usually the best bit you do!

-Yeah, exactly.

0:21:590:22:01

-I'm just going to make lots of mistakes now.

-Yeah.

0:22:010:22:04

In the wake of the scandal, Goldman Sachs have moved away from the dodgy sub-prime-mortgage market,

0:22:040:22:09

and last week proudly announced a new range of investments

0:22:090:22:13

in houses on the slopes of Icelandic volcanoes.

0:22:130:22:16

Time now for the Odd-one-out round. Herman Van Rompuy,

0:22:180:22:22

The Pasta Bible,

0:22:220:22:23

Eric Pickles and

0:22:230:22:24

Hertfordshire Highways Authority.

0:22:240:22:27

Herman Van Rompuy, old rumpy-pumpy,

0:22:270:22:30

-he is the president of the European Council.

-Yes.

0:22:300:22:33

-And he writes haiku.

-Haiku.

0:22:330:22:35

Which is 17 syllables. It's a Japanese thingy.

0:22:350:22:38

Yes, it's a verse form.

0:22:380:22:40

Didn't Eric Pickles, he was doing his live Twittery, bloggy thing,

0:22:400:22:43

and his finger didn't quite hit the button it was meant to hit,

0:22:430:22:47

and instead of saying something about shirts that he had bought,

0:22:470:22:51

-he missed the "R" out.

-Yes, that's true.

0:22:510:22:53

Misprints.

0:22:530:22:54

There's a misprint in the Highways Guide, Eric Pickles' Tweet,

0:22:540:22:58

in The Pasta Bible, but Herman Van Rompuy, he never makes an error.

0:22:580:23:01

-He's faultless.

-Yes, that's it.

0:23:010:23:04

I knew if you persevered you'd get there.

0:23:040:23:07

Yes, and you've got council workmen from Royston in Hertfordshire. They were left red-faced

0:23:090:23:14

when road-sign painters fouled up.

0:23:140:23:17

They wanted to write KEEP CLEAR, but they actually wrote...

0:23:170:23:19

According to The Telegraph, local resident Paul Brett was the first to notice the mistake,

0:23:240:23:29

despite the fact that he's dyslexic. He, of course,

0:23:290:23:32

thought it said, "Bus lane".

0:23:320:23:35

Eric Pickles, he proudly told his 4,500 on-line followers...

0:23:360:23:41

-WHISPERS:

-Seems like a lot for Eric Pickles.

0:23:410:23:44

..which was warmly received by rival fatty, and noted wit, John Prescott, who replied...

0:23:460:23:52

Of course, he meant to say shirts.

0:23:560:23:58

My shit shirts are from M&S.

0:23:580:24:02

The Pasta Bible, this is a typo. It made the headlines this week.

0:24:030:24:07

Quite big, and quite bad. It was a recipe for...

0:24:070:24:09

It should have said, "Add salt and freshly-ground black pepper." What it actually said was...

0:24:110:24:16

-That's bad.

-Yes.

0:24:240:24:25

Bob Sessions, Penguin's head of publishing, said...

0:24:250:24:29

Time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication,

0:24:380:24:42

Bark, the dog magazine.

0:24:420:24:45

So much worse than its sister publication, Bite.

0:24:450:24:48

Start with...

0:24:500:24:51

Buy yourself a dog.

0:24:540:24:56

-Have kids.

-Have lots of money.

0:24:560:24:58

No, it's "spend time with your friends".

0:24:580:25:00

According to the Psychological Society,

0:25:000:25:03

I don't know, my local priest is one of the happiest men I know.

0:25:080:25:12

Next.

0:25:140:25:15

Oh, women who expose their flesh.

0:25:180:25:20

This is the man in Iraq

0:25:200:25:21

who suggested that earthquakes are caused

0:25:210:25:23

by women dressing in what he considered an inappropriate fashion.

0:25:230:25:27

Absolutely right, Iran. The actual answer is "wear revealing clothing."

0:25:270:25:32

It leads to male desire, which sparks earthquakes.

0:25:320:25:35

An Iranian clerk has claimed that women are to blame...

0:25:350:25:38

Clerk?! It was a cleric, wasn't it?

0:25:380:25:41

-LAUGHTER

-It's time to put me...

0:25:410:25:43

Is it that guy who does the driving licences?

0:25:430:25:46

I've got a driving licence and I can't see that that says "clerk."

0:25:460:25:51

It doesn't, it says "cleric".

0:25:510:25:55

An Iranian CLERIC...

0:25:550:25:58

No, you're right, it does say "clerk"!

0:25:580:26:00

It just goes to show what a rank amateur I am...

0:26:000:26:02

-It isn't clerk, it's cleric.

-That said "clerk"...

0:26:020:26:05

Wait, wait, wait!

0:26:050:26:06

An Iranian chap has claimed...

0:26:060:26:10

There's a way round these things, there's always a way round it.

0:26:110:26:14

An Iranian chap has claimed that women are to blame for earthquakes.

0:26:140:26:18

And finally...

0:26:180:26:20

The Pope.

0:26:250:26:26

-It's obviously from Bark magazine.

-Yeah.

0:26:290:26:31

So, it could be any breed of dog, really.

0:26:310:26:34

Dachshund, Great Dane, we don't know. One of those.

0:26:340:26:37

It's actually "My Korean Jindo."

0:26:370:26:39

Yeah.

0:26:390:26:41

The article in Bark magazine describes one dog as

0:26:410:26:44

"a lover and a licker",

0:26:440:26:45

and quite possibly a joker, a toker AND a midnight smoker.

0:26:450:26:49

So, the final scores are...

0:26:500:26:53

Ian and Clare have 8,

0:26:530:26:55

Paul and Andy, you have 7.

0:26:550:26:56

Oh!

0:26:560:26:57

APPLAUSE

0:26:570:26:59

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:27:030:27:06

ANDY: Questions are asked

0:27:060:27:08

after David Attenborough's Life On Earth cast party gets out of hand.

0:27:080:27:12

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:27:160:27:19

Ian Hislop and Clare Balding,

0:27:190:27:21

Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton.

0:27:210:27:22

And I leave you with news that, in Tehran,

0:27:220:27:25

there's an embarrassing moment at a press conference

0:27:250:27:28

in which the president denies claims that Iran has nuclear weapons.

0:27:280:27:32

Three hours into a shoot,

0:27:350:27:37

a photographer finally gets his subject to look vaguely intelligent.

0:27:370:27:41

After waiting 15 minutes for stragglers,

0:27:440:27:46

the Labour Party coach trip to celebrate Peter Mandelson's birthday

0:27:460:27:50

finally sets off.

0:27:500:27:51

And there's a minor scare when John Prescott's chip pan catches fire.

0:27:570:28:02

Good night.

0:28:060:28:08

APPLAUSE

0:28:080:28:10

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:210:28:24

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0:28:240:28:27

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