Have I Got Old 2010 News For You Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Benedict Cumberbatch.

-I'm Miranda Hart.

-I'm Lee Mack.

-I'm Jo Brand.

-I'm John Bishop.

-I'm John Prescott.

-Nice to see you, to see you...

-ALL: Nice!

-And welcome to...

-LAUGHTER

News breaks of the tragic lawnmower accident involving royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell...

In Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy the Kick-Bot admit it may have been a mistake

to base the software on the England team's recent performance.

LAUGHTER

In the kitchen of Heston Blumenthal's restaurant,

there is evidence that someone has ordered the slow-cooked lamb.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, I don't like that.

After analysing the first leadership debates, body language experts conclude

that in the event of a hung parliament, Nick Clegg would dither and then join the Tories.

Ian and John, take a look at this.

-Queues.

-Yeah, people wanting to vote.

Unmanageable turnout of 65%(!)

That's the Lib Dem votes being chucked in the river.

Goodbye to you. Go and watch a film, one of your husband's.

"Hello, Gordon?"

"Piss off."

Did you stay up for Lembit?

-Oh...

-It's the most important thing that happened in the election.

-Because?

-It was quite funny.

LAUGHTER

I was expecting a bit more than that.

The great thing about losing my seat is I can take a fee for this, instead of getting this abuse for nothing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

It is indeed the overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election.

In fact, we only know one result for sure. Don't we, Lembit?

Can we get on with this? I've got an appointment at the Jobcentre in about half an hour.

They phoned earlier. They cancelled.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Paul, Ian, the old certainties are gone. It's time for unlikely alliances.

Paul, could you ever put your bitter rivalry to one side and form a coalition with Ian?

-Yeah, all right.

-Go on then.

APPLAUSE

That's more like it.

I've got a feeling you're going to win this week.

-Can I say I've always wanted this?

-Yeah.

I've argued for it for years

and any suggestion that I'm doing it as a matter of convenience is not true.

I agree with Nick...Paul.

-Absolutely.

-APPLAUSE

Do you want to do a rabble-rousing speech on behalf of our coalition?

I think what we offer is not them, basically.

People are sick of you coming on here, making fun of the contestants.

Just because I'm having a hard time at the moment. Lend us the price of a cup of tea.

I'll give it back next week. I've got my harmonica. I can play that for you. And I have.

-I have.

-I'd better find some change!

Are we witnessing a mental breakdown?

You do the singing and I'll do the playing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-David Cameron.

-Fish and chips.

-A woman.

-No, not a woman. It was Duffy.

You've got to feel for Gordon Brown. All he did was get into a car while mic'd for sound

after speaking to one of his loyal supporters and called her a bigoted woman.

Who at some point hasn't done that when they're Prime Minister?

There's no way during this campaign David Cameron hasn't got in his car

after a meet and greet and gone, "What a dickhead!"

Then he spent 40 minutes in her house saying "sorry". That's a long apology.

Are you suggesting there was something else going on?

Maybe it was all a bit of a plan on his part - call her a bigot, pop back later.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Sorry about that."

Then comes out grinning.

That's the way I read the situation politically.

"Vote for change." They're off!

They said, "We're going to announce the election," and then they did. It was brilliant.

-May 6th, Tony Blair's birthday.

-Something to celebrate.

What better present than to see Gordon Brown comprehensively beaten!

But even on the campaign trail, he's fantastically competitive.

-What age are you?

-Five.

-Five?

My son's six.

LAUGHTER

-Who has been roped in to support the Conservatives?

-Michael Caine?

-Yes, Michael Caine.

It's Sir Michael Caine. Not to be outdone, Dave chipped in with a gag.

-As a project, I hope that it does a bit more than just blow the bloody doors off!

-Bang!

He's on fire. "Yes, I'll take a question."

-But apart from wheeling out the celebs, they brought out the manifestos?

-Right, yes, indeed.

-We've got a cover of the Labour manifesto.

-Lovely. Who wouldn't want to live there?

It looks like a nuclear explosion, doesn't it?

You can imagine them going, "I remember when all this was banks."

Goldman Sachs. They've been caught out and the Americans are charging them with fraud.

Goldman Sachs invented a bond to sell to people which was based on sub-prime mortgages,

so it was a pretty hopeless thing to sell to people, but they designed it to lose money

because one of their other clients was a big hedge fund manager betting on the bond to lose,

so Goldman Sachs were selling this bond to you, saying, "This is terrific,"

then going to one of their clients, "Bet on this. This is rubbish."

So Goldman Sachs proved that the entire financial collapse wasn't just an accident, it was a fraud.

Can I just interrupt at this point?

-I should make it plain, the law being as it is...

-Yes.

-Goldman calls the charges "completely unfounded in law and fact".

-What does Sachs say?

-He completely agrees with him.

-"What can you do? If you get caught, you get caught."

I can't see any of this making it into the finished programme.

-Are you worried about libel?

-Yes.

Unlike you, I haven't ever been done for it before.

-I think there's very little chance of you getting any more than two years.

-Yeah.

Anyway, Jeremy, backstage you were saying what a bunch of crooks Goldman Sachs were!

You could present your programme from your cell.

The mission could be to walk from one end to the other...

-MIMICS JEREMY CLARKSON

-..in the shortest possible time.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Students.

-Before they started smashing windows.

-Or breaking news, as it says there.

-I was quite encouraged.

-I thought, "Blimey, students, they've woken up."

-Hooray!

-Yeah.

They've been told the teaching budget's been cut, they'll have to pay three times as much

and pay it back for the rest of their lives and they're thinking, "I'm not sure I approve of that."

A student was interviewed and said...

LAUGHTER

The Lib Dems were staunchly saying they wouldn't go up,

-which is great, then they got in power and put it up.

-Yeah.

They had no idea they were going to be in power when they made these promises.

APPLAUSE

How does Nick Clegg look at himself in the mirror in the mornings?

He just looks at David Cameron and sees the same thing.

How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?

Strikes. Riots on the streets.

Anger. "Angeur". "Angeur".

They say it very much like that - "angeur". They can't speak English like we do.

-I don't know why that is.

-You're quite right. They have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.

-They love it.

-They do. You can say what you like about the French...

No, you can say what you like about the French.

The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome...

The Pope didn't want to meet her because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid to prop up his popularity ratings,

flew off to Rome to meet the Pope and she couldn't come along.

Is she not a Catholic?

She's a Catholic, but I think her past got in the way.

She used to be a whore? LAUGHTER

I don't think that remark will be going out.

I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts necessarily.

APPLAUSE

This is a volcano in Iceland and this is the emergency Cabinet thrown together.

People were stuck abroad and there they are being stuck abroad.

-Eyjafjallajokull is what it is.

-That's very good.

It's the name of the glacier that used to sit over the top of it, but is now all over everywhere.

-The actual volcano, do you know what it's called?

-Mr Wilson?

The actual name is Eyja which is quite easy to say.

It was good for six days though if you weren't travelling anywhere,

if you were here and near an airport.

Somebody wrote in one of the papers, "I was in Kew Gardens and I heard a bee on the other side of the river."

Did you see that guy who wrote to The Guardian on that very subject?

Thanks to the planes not flying, he was now able to hear the traffic on the North Circular.

What did one American traveller say when she was told that all flights back to the States were cancelled?

-"That's a shame." Would that have made the news? Probably not.

-No, she said...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What I thought was extremely funny about the whole thing was seeing the panic in the political parties

as they realised that they're in an election and they had no official party line on volcanoes.

And the way they all charged in.

Gordon Brown sent a couple of warships to France which is just like a default setting.

-When you're in trouble...

-Exactly.

And I half expected Clegg to steam in

with a promise that the Lib Dems were going to abolish volcanoes.

-Yeah.

-They're part of the old geology. People are sick of them.

-And Cameron's line?

"I met a volcano once."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The end of the flight ban is particularly good news for the Samaritans

who have been inundated for the past six days with calls

from distraught plane-spotters with nothing left to live for.

Right, this is the oil leak, isn't it? There's the "black sea".

This is BP's continual failure to stem this leak under the sea.

With this thing called "top kill" which sounded good.

-They chuck old golf balls and rubber tyres down this hole.

-It's top technology(!)

Do you remember the boom with the human hair on it?

All they needed to do was get a load of middle-aged men to clear out their belly button.

The stuff that's in the middle... That would stop anything.

Around this table, we could have stopped it. Not you, Penny.

Never. Never, never.

Or you could get lots of really hairy men to swim through it, soaking it all up.

And these ideas aren't that much more ludicrous than what BP's been doing.

The next one is they're going to put a million tonnes of chips in and set fire to it.

-That's very interesting to me.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the biggest ever American oil disaster. According to The Sun...

And with all the appeal of Belgium.

BP have published a list of helpful contact numbers on their website.

You can see numbers for coastline information, wildlife distress and there's also a number labelled...

APPLAUSE

-Oh, America.

-They've had mid-term elections.

Sarah Palin - Ian's favourite.

There's Obama, the President. He's not doing very well at the moment.

The American people, 1 in 4 think he's Muslim, 1 in 10 think he's a terrorist,

1 in 50 think he's a holiday they took in Mexico in 1968.

How's Bill Clinton been helping out?

Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they lost so badly?

-It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you."

-I did a gig for him.

-You liked Clinton?

-He seemed like a very nice man.

-Did you meet him?

-Once, yes.

-At a concert?

-No.

He made me feel very special. LAUGHTER

-Did you keep the dry cleaning receipt?

-Yes...

Oh, yes, this is the happy news of the miners being released,

although viewers got fed up with the coverage. It's very similar.

So the last 15 miners will be part of a lottery game. They'll hold up a number and if you've got it...

-What was that?

-Someone winning the lottery.

-Do you know what the sequence of events was for each miner?

-Got in, they took them out, they got out.

LAUGHTER

Pretty much. According to The Times:

If you want to imagine what that's like, try the Northern Line.

The 24 news channels have been enjoying the story, but there was a hint of running out of what to say.

So far the only miner to emerge from the tube with a beard.

LAUGHTER

There is the happy man. "Oh, there he is!"

It's the new Royal wedding for next year. To cope with the economic straits,

it takes our minds off it to go, "Look, she looks like Diana. Look!"

-That's what we'll do.

-She's a commoner - only upper middle class.

She'll make the Royal Family more accessible to the public. It sets a challenge for Harry

to go and find himself a proper scumbag.

-What was Harry's response to the engagement?

-He fell into a deep, deep coma.

-LAUGHTER

-At the sheer tedium of the subject.

"Even as a member of the Royal Family, I've had it up to here."

Or was it up to there?

APPLAUSE

-BUZZ

-It's people sitting outside a public library. That's all I know.

-Is it?

-This is a library in King's Lynn...

-Where goblins live.

-..in Norfolk.

And they're employing bouncers. Do we know why?

They're throwing people in?

Knowledge!

Nobody know? They've called bouncers in to protect the staff from:

-Or, in other words, "children".

-LAUGHTER

-What are the adorable little tykes accused of?

-They're not trying to take books out, are they?

A county councillor says they:

But also...

How did the Express bring balance to this story?

"Burn the library down!"

Says Diana through medium. LAUGHTER

-BELL

-Yes, Ian and Clive?

-I'm not sure that photo's real.

Is it the Bee Gees?

-These are people who have been released this week.

-Aung San Suu Kyi, the Burmese opposition leader.

She's been in prison for 15 years and just been let out of house arrest

after a non-violent protest.

Is it Paul and Rachel? They were pottering around in their boat and were taken by Somali pirates.

And they've been released. Somebody paid their ransom.

The pirates were getting bored. They've held them for ages.

The intermediary was a Somali taxi driver based in London.

No wonder they were kept waiting. "I'll be with you in 20 minutes..."

According to Max Clifford, the couple could make £1 million from TV interviews.

Then they WILL be worth kidnapping.

BELL

It's a new starter home.

-It's a man who tried to post himself.

-Yes.

-Is it?

-Yes, it is.

LAUGHTER

This is the news that a burglar has been posting himself to businesses in order to rob them.

-Fantastic.

-How does he get out with the loot?

-How does he get himself delivered?

Does he get into the box outside a post office in the hope the postman goes, "Must've missed that"?

"That 15-stone package."

-What ruined the plan in the end?

-Wrong postage.

-Yeah, not enough.

-This isn't a British story, is it?

-No, he's Polish.

Cos you'd just die in the box waiting to be sent.

They forced him through the letterbox. Do Not Bend. It specifically said...

Time now for the Odd One Out. Prince Philip, Florence Cameron,

George the Blue Peter Tortoise and Swaziland's Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba.

-BELL

-The Swaziland Justice Minister was found by his King

in the Queen's bedroom. In a sort of drawer...

Underneath the bed. He shouldn't have been in there.

I think little baby Florence doesn't have a proper bed.

-She sleeps in a box.

-And the tortoise, does he sleep in a drawer?

-A box. Cardboard box.

-And Prince Philip isn't.

Prince Philip looked like someone from the PG Tips adverts.

LAUGHTER

-Is it about being found in the Queen's bedroom?

-No...

-None of them have been found there?!

-The Queen of Swaziland's bedroom.

All of those people were in the Queen of Swaziland's bedroom?

-The Swaziland element is correct, but you don't have the answer.

-There's one black dude!

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

And he may or may not work for the Halifax Building Society.

APPLAUSE

Imagine if someone's watching Have I Got News For You and the Odd One Out is because he's black!

Yes! Well, what else is there?

They've all slept in a box, apart from Swaziland's Ndumiso Mamba,

who was wide awake when discovered hiding in the Queen's bed.

"Oh, man. How did I wind up in here?"

Baby Florence Cameron slept in a cardboard box after being born early during a holiday in Cornwall.

It was a joyful birth. When baby Florence was born, the midwife slapped David Cameron.

-Shall we play a mini monarchy quiz?

-Yes, definitely.

-What does the Queen hate and can spot at 20 paces?

-Prince Philip.

LAUGHTER

Clip-on bow ties.

-What's the Queen's favourite pastime at Balmoral?

-Hiding in the chimney.

Em...making blancmanges.

Straining oxtail soup through her tights. I...

Apparently, she enjoys... trying to catch bats...

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute. It gets better. ..in the Great Hall, using only a footman and a pole with a net.

Is the footman on the end of the pole?

And, finally, what is white and leathery and taken with Prince Charles everywhere he goes?

-Who's going to resist it? I am.

-Me, too.

-I'm not going there.

-All right.

You can't call her that! LAUGHTER

It's not on.

Find The Missing Words round, which features Lower Extremity Review.

One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines.

-We start with, "Roomy socks..." what?

-Invite lodgers?

-Is this Wayne Roomy?

-Yeah, it's a piece of graffiti.

"Roomy socks!" The spelling in this country!

-Kids today!

-No, the answer is, "Roomy socks can be worn by anyone."

"I used to... Not now."

-Vote Labour.

-Says Blair.

-LAUGHTER

-"I used to love politics. Not now."

-Oh, Ann Widdecombe!

-No, no...

-Sorry. I've got this thing where I suddenly say her name.

This is one of the least embarrassing times it has happened to be honest.

It's when I get quite excited. Sorry about that, dear.

No, this is according to Labour supporter Robert Harris whose novel The Ghost has been made into a film

directed by Roman Polanski. It has a 15 rating, but Polanski swears it was an 18.

-"Biscuit police..." what?

-Crumble under pressure?

-Caught hobnobbing?

-Arrest disproportionate number of Bourbons.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The answer is "clash with 86-year-old granny".

-Next: What "..three musical dwarves"?

-Pavarotti's autopsy reveals.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

# Three musical dwarves

# One was four foot two One was... #

The answer is, "Cheryl's birthday gift for Cowell."

Next: "Prime Minister let's slip he's..."

He's a Conservative.

The answer is "had the snip".

This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand who told reporters he had a...vasectenomy...

LAUGHTER

A vasectomy!

You should have stood your ground and just said the snip!

-They said that, but I thought I'd say it properly if I could. And I didn't. But that's life.

-Yeah.

-Go back again then and put snip in.

-LAUGHTER

Come on! You're being mean.

That's a pretty small mistake in the light of the last 15 years!

Go on, John, give it a go. Take a deep breath.

-OK...

-Think of being handed a very delicate vase, a piece of porcelain.

Vase? 'Eck! To me?

Don't start me! I've got it!

Vase? 'Eck! To me?

Let me go, let me go! Are you doing the first bit first?

First part first, second part second!

Or every single word at once!

-Bloody hell. Do I read that out?

-Yeah, read that out.

-OK.

-Yeah.

Do you want to...? For God's sake, give him some... APPLAUSE

This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand who told reporters he'd had a snip.

LAUGHTER

This could be confusing. If you went to the barber and he said, "Fancy a snip behind the ear?"...

-Before we go, the Caption Competition.

-"Say yes, you bitch."

LAUGHTER

Is he saying, "I've got a hole in my coat pocket"?

I leave you with news that at a conference in Tangiers,

David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.

LAUGHTER

In Oxfordshire, whilst taking an early morning shower, Bill Oddie forgets to close the curtains.

At a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders

if the good luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.

From his Westminster office, Peter Mandelson activates the remote electrical device one more time.

LAUGHTER

Good night!

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