Have I Got Old 2010 News For You Have I Got News for You


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Have I Got Old 2010 News For You

A compilation of the popular news quiz that looks back at the big news of 2010. A host of guest panellists and presenters join team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Benedict Cumberbatch.

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-I'm Miranda Hart.

-I'm Lee Mack.

-I'm Jo Brand.

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-I'm John Bishop.

-I'm John Prescott.

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-Nice to see you, to see you...

-ALL: Nice!

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-And welcome to...

-LAUGHTER

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News breaks of the tragic lawnmower accident involving royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell...

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In Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy the Kick-Bot admit it may have been a mistake

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to base the software on the England team's recent performance.

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LAUGHTER

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In the kitchen of Heston Blumenthal's restaurant,

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there is evidence that someone has ordered the slow-cooked lamb.

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-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, I don't like that.

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After analysing the first leadership debates, body language experts conclude

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that in the event of a hung parliament, Nick Clegg would dither and then join the Tories.

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Ian and John, take a look at this.

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-Queues.

-Yeah, people wanting to vote.

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Unmanageable turnout of 65%(!)

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That's the Lib Dem votes being chucked in the river.

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Goodbye to you. Go and watch a film, one of your husband's.

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"Hello, Gordon?"

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"Piss off."

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Did you stay up for Lembit?

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-Oh...

-It's the most important thing that happened in the election.

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-Because?

-It was quite funny.

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LAUGHTER

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I was expecting a bit more than that.

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The great thing about losing my seat is I can take a fee for this, instead of getting this abuse for nothing.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

0:02:380:02:40

It is indeed the overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election.

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In fact, we only know one result for sure. Don't we, Lembit?

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Can we get on with this? I've got an appointment at the Jobcentre in about half an hour.

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They phoned earlier. They cancelled.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, Paul, Ian, the old certainties are gone. It's time for unlikely alliances.

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Paul, could you ever put your bitter rivalry to one side and form a coalition with Ian?

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-Yeah, all right.

-Go on then.

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APPLAUSE

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That's more like it.

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I've got a feeling you're going to win this week.

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-Can I say I've always wanted this?

-Yeah.

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I've argued for it for years

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and any suggestion that I'm doing it as a matter of convenience is not true.

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I agree with Nick...Paul.

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-Absolutely.

-APPLAUSE

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Do you want to do a rabble-rousing speech on behalf of our coalition?

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I think what we offer is not them, basically.

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People are sick of you coming on here, making fun of the contestants.

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Just because I'm having a hard time at the moment. Lend us the price of a cup of tea.

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I'll give it back next week. I've got my harmonica. I can play that for you. And I have.

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-I have.

-I'd better find some change!

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Are we witnessing a mental breakdown?

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You do the singing and I'll do the playing.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-David Cameron.

-Fish and chips.

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-A woman.

-No, not a woman. It was Duffy.

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You've got to feel for Gordon Brown. All he did was get into a car while mic'd for sound

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after speaking to one of his loyal supporters and called her a bigoted woman.

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Who at some point hasn't done that when they're Prime Minister?

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There's no way during this campaign David Cameron hasn't got in his car

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after a meet and greet and gone, "What a dickhead!"

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Then he spent 40 minutes in her house saying "sorry". That's a long apology.

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Are you suggesting there was something else going on?

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Maybe it was all a bit of a plan on his part - call her a bigot, pop back later.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Sorry about that."

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Then comes out grinning.

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That's the way I read the situation politically.

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"Vote for change." They're off!

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They said, "We're going to announce the election," and then they did. It was brilliant.

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-May 6th, Tony Blair's birthday.

-Something to celebrate.

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What better present than to see Gordon Brown comprehensively beaten!

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But even on the campaign trail, he's fantastically competitive.

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-What age are you?

-Five.

-Five?

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My son's six.

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LAUGHTER

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-Who has been roped in to support the Conservatives?

-Michael Caine?

-Yes, Michael Caine.

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It's Sir Michael Caine. Not to be outdone, Dave chipped in with a gag.

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-As a project, I hope that it does a bit more than just blow the bloody doors off!

-Bang!

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He's on fire. "Yes, I'll take a question."

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-But apart from wheeling out the celebs, they brought out the manifestos?

-Right, yes, indeed.

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-We've got a cover of the Labour manifesto.

-Lovely. Who wouldn't want to live there?

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It looks like a nuclear explosion, doesn't it?

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You can imagine them going, "I remember when all this was banks."

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Goldman Sachs. They've been caught out and the Americans are charging them with fraud.

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Goldman Sachs invented a bond to sell to people which was based on sub-prime mortgages,

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so it was a pretty hopeless thing to sell to people, but they designed it to lose money

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because one of their other clients was a big hedge fund manager betting on the bond to lose,

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so Goldman Sachs were selling this bond to you, saying, "This is terrific,"

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then going to one of their clients, "Bet on this. This is rubbish."

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So Goldman Sachs proved that the entire financial collapse wasn't just an accident, it was a fraud.

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Can I just interrupt at this point?

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-I should make it plain, the law being as it is...

-Yes.

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-Goldman calls the charges "completely unfounded in law and fact".

-What does Sachs say?

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-He completely agrees with him.

-"What can you do? If you get caught, you get caught."

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I can't see any of this making it into the finished programme.

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-Are you worried about libel?

-Yes.

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Unlike you, I haven't ever been done for it before.

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-I think there's very little chance of you getting any more than two years.

-Yeah.

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Anyway, Jeremy, backstage you were saying what a bunch of crooks Goldman Sachs were!

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You could present your programme from your cell.

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The mission could be to walk from one end to the other...

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-MIMICS JEREMY CLARKSON

-..in the shortest possible time.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Students.

-Before they started smashing windows.

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-Or breaking news, as it says there.

-I was quite encouraged.

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-I thought, "Blimey, students, they've woken up."

-Hooray!

-Yeah.

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They've been told the teaching budget's been cut, they'll have to pay three times as much

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and pay it back for the rest of their lives and they're thinking, "I'm not sure I approve of that."

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A student was interviewed and said...

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LAUGHTER

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The Lib Dems were staunchly saying they wouldn't go up,

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-which is great, then they got in power and put it up.

-Yeah.

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They had no idea they were going to be in power when they made these promises.

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APPLAUSE

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How does Nick Clegg look at himself in the mirror in the mornings?

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He just looks at David Cameron and sees the same thing.

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How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?

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Strikes. Riots on the streets.

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Anger. "Angeur". "Angeur".

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They say it very much like that - "angeur". They can't speak English like we do.

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-I don't know why that is.

-You're quite right. They have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.

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-They love it.

-They do. You can say what you like about the French...

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No, you can say what you like about the French.

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The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome...

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The Pope didn't want to meet her because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid to prop up his popularity ratings,

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flew off to Rome to meet the Pope and she couldn't come along.

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Is she not a Catholic?

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She's a Catholic, but I think her past got in the way.

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She used to be a whore? LAUGHTER

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I don't think that remark will be going out.

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I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts necessarily.

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APPLAUSE

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This is a volcano in Iceland and this is the emergency Cabinet thrown together.

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People were stuck abroad and there they are being stuck abroad.

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-Eyjafjallajokull is what it is.

-That's very good.

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It's the name of the glacier that used to sit over the top of it, but is now all over everywhere.

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-The actual volcano, do you know what it's called?

-Mr Wilson?

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The actual name is Eyja which is quite easy to say.

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It was good for six days though if you weren't travelling anywhere,

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if you were here and near an airport.

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Somebody wrote in one of the papers, "I was in Kew Gardens and I heard a bee on the other side of the river."

0:11:150:11:21

Did you see that guy who wrote to The Guardian on that very subject?

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Thanks to the planes not flying, he was now able to hear the traffic on the North Circular.

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What did one American traveller say when she was told that all flights back to the States were cancelled?

0:11:310:11:38

-"That's a shame." Would that have made the news? Probably not.

-No, she said...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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What I thought was extremely funny about the whole thing was seeing the panic in the political parties

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as they realised that they're in an election and they had no official party line on volcanoes.

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And the way they all charged in.

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Gordon Brown sent a couple of warships to France which is just like a default setting.

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-When you're in trouble...

-Exactly.

0:12:120:12:16

And I half expected Clegg to steam in

0:12:160:12:19

with a promise that the Lib Dems were going to abolish volcanoes.

0:12:190:12:23

-Yeah.

-They're part of the old geology. People are sick of them.

-And Cameron's line?

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"I met a volcano once."

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

0:12:320:12:34

The end of the flight ban is particularly good news for the Samaritans

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who have been inundated for the past six days with calls

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from distraught plane-spotters with nothing left to live for.

0:12:430:12:47

Right, this is the oil leak, isn't it? There's the "black sea".

0:12:480:12:52

This is BP's continual failure to stem this leak under the sea.

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With this thing called "top kill" which sounded good.

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-They chuck old golf balls and rubber tyres down this hole.

-It's top technology(!)

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Do you remember the boom with the human hair on it?

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All they needed to do was get a load of middle-aged men to clear out their belly button.

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The stuff that's in the middle... That would stop anything.

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Around this table, we could have stopped it. Not you, Penny.

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Never. Never, never.

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Or you could get lots of really hairy men to swim through it, soaking it all up.

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And these ideas aren't that much more ludicrous than what BP's been doing.

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The next one is they're going to put a million tonnes of chips in and set fire to it.

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-That's very interesting to me.

-Yes.

0:13:400:13:43

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This is the biggest ever American oil disaster. According to The Sun...

0:13:470:13:53

And with all the appeal of Belgium.

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BP have published a list of helpful contact numbers on their website.

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You can see numbers for coastline information, wildlife distress and there's also a number labelled...

0:14:020:14:09

APPLAUSE

0:14:120:14:15

-Oh, America.

-They've had mid-term elections.

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Sarah Palin - Ian's favourite.

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There's Obama, the President. He's not doing very well at the moment.

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The American people, 1 in 4 think he's Muslim, 1 in 10 think he's a terrorist,

0:14:270:14:33

1 in 50 think he's a holiday they took in Mexico in 1968.

0:14:330:14:37

How's Bill Clinton been helping out?

0:14:370:14:40

Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they lost so badly?

0:14:400:14:44

-It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you."

-I did a gig for him.

-You liked Clinton?

0:14:440:14:50

-He seemed like a very nice man.

-Did you meet him?

-Once, yes.

-At a concert?

-No.

0:14:500:14:56

He made me feel very special. LAUGHTER

0:14:560:14:59

-Did you keep the dry cleaning receipt?

-Yes...

0:15:030:15:07

Oh, yes, this is the happy news of the miners being released,

0:15:080:15:13

although viewers got fed up with the coverage. It's very similar.

0:15:130:15:17

So the last 15 miners will be part of a lottery game. They'll hold up a number and if you've got it...

0:15:170:15:23

-What was that?

-Someone winning the lottery.

0:15:230:15:28

-Do you know what the sequence of events was for each miner?

-Got in, they took them out, they got out.

0:15:280:15:36

LAUGHTER

0:15:360:15:39

Pretty much. According to The Times:

0:15:390:15:43

If you want to imagine what that's like, try the Northern Line.

0:15:470:15:52

The 24 news channels have been enjoying the story, but there was a hint of running out of what to say.

0:15:520:15:59

So far the only miner to emerge from the tube with a beard.

0:16:000:16:05

LAUGHTER

0:16:050:16:08

There is the happy man. "Oh, there he is!"

0:16:130:16:17

It's the new Royal wedding for next year. To cope with the economic straits,

0:16:170:16:23

it takes our minds off it to go, "Look, she looks like Diana. Look!"

0:16:230:16:27

-That's what we'll do.

-She's a commoner - only upper middle class.

0:16:270:16:31

She'll make the Royal Family more accessible to the public. It sets a challenge for Harry

0:16:310:16:37

to go and find himself a proper scumbag.

0:16:370:16:41

-What was Harry's response to the engagement?

-He fell into a deep, deep coma.

0:16:410:16:47

-LAUGHTER

-At the sheer tedium of the subject.

0:16:470:16:51

"Even as a member of the Royal Family, I've had it up to here."

0:16:510:16:55

Or was it up to there?

0:16:550:16:58

APPLAUSE

0:16:580:17:00

-BUZZ

-It's people sitting outside a public library. That's all I know.

-Is it?

0:17:050:17:10

-This is a library in King's Lynn...

-Where goblins live.

-..in Norfolk.

0:17:100:17:15

And they're employing bouncers. Do we know why?

0:17:160:17:19

They're throwing people in?

0:17:190:17:21

Knowledge!

0:17:220:17:24

Nobody know? They've called bouncers in to protect the staff from:

0:17:240:17:29

-Or, in other words, "children".

-LAUGHTER

0:17:310:17:35

-What are the adorable little tykes accused of?

-They're not trying to take books out, are they?

0:17:350:17:42

A county councillor says they:

0:17:420:17:45

But also...

0:17:460:17:49

How did the Express bring balance to this story?

0:17:500:17:54

"Burn the library down!"

0:17:540:17:56

Says Diana through medium. LAUGHTER

0:17:580:18:01

-BELL

-Yes, Ian and Clive?

-I'm not sure that photo's real.

0:18:080:18:13

Is it the Bee Gees?

0:18:140:18:16

-These are people who have been released this week.

-Aung San Suu Kyi, the Burmese opposition leader.

0:18:180:18:24

She's been in prison for 15 years and just been let out of house arrest

0:18:240:18:30

after a non-violent protest.

0:18:300:18:32

Is it Paul and Rachel? They were pottering around in their boat and were taken by Somali pirates.

0:18:320:18:39

And they've been released. Somebody paid their ransom.

0:18:390:18:43

The pirates were getting bored. They've held them for ages.

0:18:430:18:46

The intermediary was a Somali taxi driver based in London.

0:18:460:18:50

No wonder they were kept waiting. "I'll be with you in 20 minutes..."

0:18:500:18:56

According to Max Clifford, the couple could make £1 million from TV interviews.

0:18:560:19:01

Then they WILL be worth kidnapping.

0:19:060:19:08

BELL

0:19:140:19:16

It's a new starter home.

0:19:160:19:19

-It's a man who tried to post himself.

-Yes.

-Is it?

-Yes, it is.

0:19:190:19:24

LAUGHTER

0:19:240:19:25

This is the news that a burglar has been posting himself to businesses in order to rob them.

0:19:280:19:34

-Fantastic.

-How does he get out with the loot?

-How does he get himself delivered?

0:19:340:19:40

Does he get into the box outside a post office in the hope the postman goes, "Must've missed that"?

0:19:400:19:46

"That 15-stone package."

0:19:460:19:48

-What ruined the plan in the end?

-Wrong postage.

-Yeah, not enough.

0:19:480:19:52

-This isn't a British story, is it?

-No, he's Polish.

0:19:520:19:57

Cos you'd just die in the box waiting to be sent.

0:19:570:20:01

They forced him through the letterbox. Do Not Bend. It specifically said...

0:20:010:20:08

Time now for the Odd One Out. Prince Philip, Florence Cameron,

0:20:110:20:15

George the Blue Peter Tortoise and Swaziland's Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba.

0:20:150:20:21

-BELL

-The Swaziland Justice Minister was found by his King

0:20:210:20:27

in the Queen's bedroom. In a sort of drawer...

0:20:270:20:32

Underneath the bed. He shouldn't have been in there.

0:20:320:20:36

I think little baby Florence doesn't have a proper bed.

0:20:360:20:41

-She sleeps in a box.

-And the tortoise, does he sleep in a drawer?

0:20:410:20:45

-A box. Cardboard box.

-And Prince Philip isn't.

0:20:450:20:50

Prince Philip looked like someone from the PG Tips adverts.

0:20:500:20:54

LAUGHTER

0:20:540:20:56

-Is it about being found in the Queen's bedroom?

-No...

0:20:580:21:03

-None of them have been found there?!

-The Queen of Swaziland's bedroom.

0:21:030:21:08

All of those people were in the Queen of Swaziland's bedroom?

0:21:080:21:12

-The Swaziland element is correct, but you don't have the answer.

-There's one black dude!

-Yeah!

0:21:120:21:18

LAUGHTER

0:21:180:21:21

And he may or may not work for the Halifax Building Society.

0:21:210:21:25

APPLAUSE

0:21:250:21:27

Imagine if someone's watching Have I Got News For You and the Odd One Out is because he's black!

0:21:280:21:35

Yes! Well, what else is there?

0:21:350:21:38

They've all slept in a box, apart from Swaziland's Ndumiso Mamba,

0:21:390:21:45

who was wide awake when discovered hiding in the Queen's bed.

0:21:450:21:49

"Oh, man. How did I wind up in here?"

0:21:490:21:52

Baby Florence Cameron slept in a cardboard box after being born early during a holiday in Cornwall.

0:21:560:22:02

It was a joyful birth. When baby Florence was born, the midwife slapped David Cameron.

0:22:020:22:09

-Shall we play a mini monarchy quiz?

-Yes, definitely.

0:22:090:22:13

-What does the Queen hate and can spot at 20 paces?

-Prince Philip.

0:22:130:22:18

LAUGHTER

0:22:180:22:20

Clip-on bow ties.

0:22:200:22:23

-What's the Queen's favourite pastime at Balmoral?

-Hiding in the chimney.

0:22:230:22:27

Em...making blancmanges.

0:22:320:22:35

Straining oxtail soup through her tights. I...

0:22:360:22:41

Apparently, she enjoys... trying to catch bats...

0:22:410:22:46

LAUGHTER

0:22:460:22:48

Wait a minute. It gets better. ..in the Great Hall, using only a footman and a pole with a net.

0:22:480:22:54

Is the footman on the end of the pole?

0:22:540:22:59

And, finally, what is white and leathery and taken with Prince Charles everywhere he goes?

0:22:590:23:05

-Who's going to resist it? I am.

-Me, too.

0:23:070:23:12

-I'm not going there.

-All right.

0:23:120:23:15

You can't call her that! LAUGHTER

0:23:180:23:21

It's not on.

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Find The Missing Words round, which features Lower Extremity Review.

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One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines.

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-We start with, "Roomy socks..." what?

-Invite lodgers?

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-Is this Wayne Roomy?

-Yeah, it's a piece of graffiti.

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"Roomy socks!" The spelling in this country!

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-Kids today!

-No, the answer is, "Roomy socks can be worn by anyone."

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"I used to... Not now."

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-Vote Labour.

-Says Blair.

-LAUGHTER

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-"I used to love politics. Not now."

-Oh, Ann Widdecombe!

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-No, no...

-Sorry. I've got this thing where I suddenly say her name.

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This is one of the least embarrassing times it has happened to be honest.

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It's when I get quite excited. Sorry about that, dear.

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No, this is according to Labour supporter Robert Harris whose novel The Ghost has been made into a film

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directed by Roman Polanski. It has a 15 rating, but Polanski swears it was an 18.

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-"Biscuit police..." what?

-Crumble under pressure?

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-Caught hobnobbing?

-Arrest disproportionate number of Bourbons.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The answer is "clash with 86-year-old granny".

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-Next: What "..three musical dwarves"?

-Pavarotti's autopsy reveals.

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On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

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# Three musical dwarves

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# One was four foot two One was... #

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The answer is, "Cheryl's birthday gift for Cowell."

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Next: "Prime Minister let's slip he's..."

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He's a Conservative.

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The answer is "had the snip".

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This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand who told reporters he had a...vasectenomy...

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LAUGHTER

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A vasectomy!

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You should have stood your ground and just said the snip!

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-They said that, but I thought I'd say it properly if I could. And I didn't. But that's life.

-Yeah.

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-Go back again then and put snip in.

-LAUGHTER

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Come on! You're being mean.

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That's a pretty small mistake in the light of the last 15 years!

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Go on, John, give it a go. Take a deep breath.

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-OK...

-Think of being handed a very delicate vase, a piece of porcelain.

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Vase? 'Eck! To me?

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Don't start me! I've got it!

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Vase? 'Eck! To me?

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Let me go, let me go! Are you doing the first bit first?

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First part first, second part second!

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Or every single word at once!

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-Bloody hell. Do I read that out?

-Yeah, read that out.

-OK.

-Yeah.

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Do you want to...? For God's sake, give him some... APPLAUSE

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This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand who told reporters he'd had a snip.

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LAUGHTER

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This could be confusing. If you went to the barber and he said, "Fancy a snip behind the ear?"...

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-Before we go, the Caption Competition.

-"Say yes, you bitch."

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LAUGHTER

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Is he saying, "I've got a hole in my coat pocket"?

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I leave you with news that at a conference in Tangiers,

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David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.

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LAUGHTER

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In Oxfordshire, whilst taking an early morning shower, Bill Oddie forgets to close the curtains.

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At a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders

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if the good luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.

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From his Westminster office, Peter Mandelson activates the remote electrical device one more time.

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LAUGHTER

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Good night!

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Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

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