Have I Got Old News for You Christmas 2010 Have I Got News for You


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Have I Got Old News for You Christmas 2010

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Alexander Armstrong and guest panellists Micky Flanagan and Ross Noble.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Good evening.

-AUDIENCE: Good evening!

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-They told us we could wear our own clothes tonight.

-LAUGHTER

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Don't see anything funny about it.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Alexander Armstrong.

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In the news this week...

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In Bristol, local councillors head home after deciding to save money

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by cutting the gritting budget.

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After another round of public service cuts,

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one police officer is politely shown the way to the job centre...

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INAUDIBLE

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..and after a few too many sherries on Christmas Eve,

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Father Christmas struggles to remember where he parked his sleigh...

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On Ian Hislop's team is a comedian whose stage show always includes a spectacular inflatable set,

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just like this one. It takes Ian and Paul 14 hours to blow it up every week.

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Please welcome Ross Noble!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton is a stand-up comedian who appeared recently in the Royal Variety Performance,

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where he went down a storm. Apparently, Prince Charles wet himself in the car on the way there.

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Please welcome Micky Flanagan!

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Paul and Micky, take a look at this.

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Oh, you haven't got the sound on this.

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There wasn't much of it, either.

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Oh, it keeps moving.

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Um, this is the...

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That's, um, yeah, the Royal Variety Performance.

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This is the notorious incident now, where Charles's car

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was trapped, pinned... Di... What's her name? Camilla, this one?

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LAUGHTER

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I've not been paying much attention.

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I thought, "She's aged a bit." But she's... They're still married."

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And apparently, she was poked with a stick between Piccadilly Circus and Argyll Street.

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Then they were rushed to the Royal Variety Performance, where Prince Charles said,

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"I think I preferred the bloody riot," and went back out again.

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-You were there, weren't you?

-I thought it was brilliant,

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-she's so well trained that she didn't bolt when she was poked with a stick.

-True.

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People were really cruel about the way she looked.

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Now when people see her, "Oh, I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole,"

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that's just a sign you're not a student.

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-You didn't get to meet them at the end?

-No. We were all lined up,

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they said, "You can't... For security reasons, they're gone.

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"They've been given an Oyster card each and..."

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-The really important people got to meet them beforehand.

-Right.

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Kylie, Take That.

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Take That - unfortunate name in the middle of a riot! "Take that!"

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The Home Secretary, Theresa May, wouldn't confirm the details. In a statement she said...

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That's a very similar statement to what the police put out afterwards,

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after they'd hit everyone over the head with a baton.

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Anyway, the police are in trouble, for not protecting the Royal Family.

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There was a window OPEN in the Royal car.

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Well, she was having a fag!

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The Sunday Telegraph reported...

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Where should they start(?)

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The thing is, is that on the outside or the inside?

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POSH VOICE: "I say, please don't catch us!"

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According to the Times...

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Camilla was overheard to remark...

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Not what I've heard, love.

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The police commissioner said, "You should be very impressed

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"with my lads because they didn't kill anyone.

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"The showed admirable restraint.

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"They didn't kill any students at all."

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The only reason for that is she didn't look Brazilian.

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If she had...

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Oh, yeah...

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The other thing, as well, the police got in trouble. Did you see the footage on YouTube?

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Of them dragging a guy out of a wheelchair, and they were going,

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like, "Have the police gone too far?"

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The point of a wheelchair is... Someone in a wheelchair is on wheels.

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You don't need to drag them.

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They're almost designed for the job.

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They can just go, "'Scuse me, you're protesting. Move you over there."

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No kettling involved, nothing like that.

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Don't drag the... You're making work for yourself!

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You're sure the film wasn't reversed? He started off walking and ended up in a wheelchair?

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Have you ever seen Susan Boyle move?

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She looks like she's on wheels.

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-She does!

-Are you sure she isn't?

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She just literally... When she finished her song,

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she sort of like hovered across the stage and just went off.

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-She glides, does she?

-She does. She's majestic.

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We've been waiting 2,000 years for such a person.

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And it's Susan Boyle!

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Now, then. Meanwhile, this fella managed to get himself in all the papers.

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-What's his name?

-Gilmour.

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-Charlie Gilmour.

-Charlie Gilmour.

-What did he do?

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-ROSS: Oh, swinging off flags, wasn't he?

-Yeah.

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-BOTH: Hanging from the Cenotaph.

-Yeah.

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He had an excuse ready, of course. What did he say?

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He said he had no idea what the building was

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that he was swinging from.

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Which, given that he's a history undergraduate...

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Yes. He told the Express:

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Although the Express went their own way with this picture -

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have a look down in the corner.

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LAUGHTER

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-Well, easy mistake to make.

-Well, he has got long hair.

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Well, there you are.

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LAUGHTER

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He's the adopted son of the man from Pink Floyd.

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-That's right, yeah.

-So it allowed people to point up that his father had said

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that generation don't need no education.

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-Always annoyed me, that. ANY education.

-LAUGHTER

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Apparently the Mail on Sunday had been following him for some time.

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They'd spotted him doing what?

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On his eighth birthday, he had a packet of...

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He had a packet of jelly tots behind the airing cupboard.

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They're thorough, the Mail on Sunday.

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They'd spotted him earlier in the day:

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They went on:

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What a tit.

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LAUGHTER

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The Mail have a theory as to why the protest got so badly out of hand. They reported that:

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Is a Wilf, like, a sexy wizard?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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No. He's from Dresden.

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The students might have had advanced insight into police riot tactics.

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Does anyone know why?

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Yes.

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The police had been using students to practise

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how to control crowds

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without realising that, by showing the students how they were

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going to be controlling crowds, they were giving away the main tactic

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-on how they were controlling crowds by involving students.

-Right.

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Foolishly, they used the barriers. They used the metal ones

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and they were all together whereas if they'd thought it through,

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they should have got a lot of traffic cones

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thrown them down the street and the students would have just gone..

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"I'm having that."

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Straight in. No problem at all.

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Who complained loudest this week about the police handling of the protest?

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A very loud man.

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I don't like what you're doing.

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Was it the Czechoslovakian husband-and-wife team behind Pinky and Perky?

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No, it wasn't. It was Iran.

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Iran, yup - they summoned the British ambassador in Tehran, and asked him to justify:

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-LAUGHTER

-You've got to love that.

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So what might we be seeing more of on the streets?

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MICKY: Water cannons.

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-Yes.

-They're going to start pelting them with soap and water.

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-Water cannon.

-Did you say "soap and water"?

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-Soap and water! Break 'em up like that.

-In icy weather,

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there's going to be solid lumps of ice shooting out the end of this.

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Or a delightful snowfall.

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They'll just turn the water cannon on, lovely snow will come down,

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everyone will start waltzing.

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MICKY: What about flame-throwers?

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Flame-throwers and water cannons together seems to be... There's a clash there. Steam.

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It's kettling.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, so this is the...

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This is the postmortem into the attack on Charles and Camilla's car.

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According to witnesses, as the tin of paint was flung, Camilla turned white.

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Well, white with a hint of apple blossom.

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One anarchist rioter pictured hanging from the Cenotaph

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turned out to be Charlie Gilmour, the son of Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour.

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According to The Sun, the young Cambridge student had a privileged education at:

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Well, it used to be privileged. Soon it'll be the going rate.

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Ian and Ross, here's yours.

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It's Eric Pickles!

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-It's the Pickles.

-Looking for Pickles.

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Oh, that's Prince Wills.

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And that's... Oh, blimey.

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Ed Miliband. "Thank you for coming. Who are you?"

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LAUGHTER

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-Is this all one story?

-Yes.

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Did the prince rescue Pickles?

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Two helicopters together...

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"We're going to need a Chinook."

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It wouldn't surprise me if Pickles had a helicopter,

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-because he got rid of his Prius, didn't he?

-Why?

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Cos he got a Jag instead.

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He did have a walnut dash but he ate it.

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But as well as the car,

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he's Minister for Communities.

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Secretary of State for Communities.

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He's actually four or five communities.

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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His passport's an aerial view.

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Sorry.

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I wouldn't say he's fat but his blood type's ragout.

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Sorry. Carry on.

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I forgot I wasn't a 1950s American Jewish comedian.

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This is a serious story.

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He was trying to make a serious piece of legislation.

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He's saying that local government should have more power.

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They're going to have more power by being given less money.

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They're going to have huge spending cuts

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and they're going to have the power to not provide any services,

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which is a terrific advance for devolved government.

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Exactly right.

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Councils throughout the country will be losing, on average,

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5% of their budget.

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But according to The Times, where are the biggest cuts taking place?

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The poorer councils are going to be poorer

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and the richer councils are going to stay richer.

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So we're all in it together, proportionally.

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-Do you know any of the poor councils that are suffering?

-Hackney.

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They are generally northern.

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Shetland, Orkney...

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BOTH TALK AT ONCE

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I was working my way down!

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The smallest cuts taking place?

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Chelsea, Mayfair, Park Lane.

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What's the other one?

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Just before "Go".

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Erm...

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At last, something to ease Wokingham's pain.

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Those spending cuts are going to put people in the north out of work

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but has anyone in the Conservative Party suggested

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another alternative career for them?

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Yes. Cherry picking.

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Not cherry picking in a "Hey, northerners, come down

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"and take the best jobs."

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Actually picking cherries.

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-David Shakespeare.

-That's the fella.

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He's the leader of Buckinghamshire Council.

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He said, "Come down south. Come to Kent. Pick the fruit.

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"There's lots of jobs being taken by Ukrainians and Somalis.

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"Why don't you northerners pop down for a couple of weeks?"

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Bring those whippets as well.

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-Is there no cherries in the north?

-No.

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You don't have cherries in the north?

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Have you never heard of the cherry wars of the 1980s? Shocking.

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They're closing down the cherry yards.

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It was awful. It was awful.

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The cherry marches that descended on London.

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Cherry Marches? Wasn't she a porn star? I think she was a porn star.

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What peculiar instruction has Ken Clarke given to

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prison governors this week?

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MICKY FLANAGAN: To let out prisoners more quickly.

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No, it's more peculiar than that.

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They mustn't carry out naked squat searches on transsexuals.

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For some people that IS Christmas.

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Instead, they have to draw up a voluntary contract

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with them before they carry out a rub-down.

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Prison officers say this will hamper their search for drugs

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and there'll be a fall in crack seizures.

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OK. Right, now. What new crime-fighting technique

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are police using in some parts of the country?

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Specially-trained psychics on horseback.

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No.

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Specially-trained psychic horses on policeback.

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It's a highly sophisticated way of categorising members of the public.

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Yeah. "Are you Lenny Henry or..."

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They just say, "Are you Lenny Henry?"

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There were four. There was a spectrum.

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-Lenny Henry, there was Jeremy Paxman...

-Yeah.

-Er...

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These are the offenders that are categorised?

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No, these are members of the public. There are only four categories.

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There's the Jeremy Paxman, an analytical person,

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who commands respect.

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There's the Madonna, who's a control freak.

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The Lorraine Kelly, an amiable person, who worries about security.

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Then there's the Lenny Henry, who can't get arrested.

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MICKY FLANAGAN: I'm very unclear on this.

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As far as I can see, there are four people that carry out

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major crimes in this country - Lenny Henry, Lorraine Kelly,

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Jeremy Paxman and Madonna.

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You'd think with her money she could leave it alone.

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Nipping down to Timothy Whites and stealing talcum powder.

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You know Timothy Whites stopped trading in about 1972?

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You know why? Because of people like Madonna.

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If you say this now, Alexander at the end of the programme

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will have to have a lawyer's note.

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"We would just like to stress that Madonna has never

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"gone into Timothy Whites to steal various..."

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I'll look forward to that apology later on.

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Will you go to prison for it?

0:15:240:15:26

Would you go to prison for that gag?

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I would for that.

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If you do, tuck your bits through say, "I'm a transsexual."

0:15:290:15:32

There'll be no squatting for you.

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-They insist on being called Helen.

-You could put a phone up your bum,

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-as well now. That's what they were doing.

-But you can do it for Christmas as a wild trick.

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-Then phone someone you don't like.

-Who'd like to see a picture

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of a coalition minister enjoying himself?

0:15:480:15:50

Who'd like to see a picture of a coalition minister? Eh?

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-We'd like to see one.

-A coalition minister having a ball.

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-There. Vince Cable.

-Yeah, he's on Strictly.

-ROSS: That scumbag!

-Do what?

0:15:570:16:03

Politicians. No! Wrong. He looks like he can dance there.

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If politicians want to go on these sorts of shows

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and profit from some sort of career outside of politics,

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then they should have the decency to be dragged around by the hair

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like Widdecombe.

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Ann Widdecombe

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on Strictly Come Dancing. "Ooh, I'm the pantomime character."

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You're not. People are laughing at you. And I would pay good money

0:16:220:16:25

not to see her just dragged around the studio.

0:16:250:16:27

Open the doors, just drag her out through the car park,

0:16:270:16:30

down the street, put her in a skip.

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I would pay money to see the BBC Three Strictly Come Dancing Extra

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with Ann Widdecombe in a skip, struggling to get out.

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I don't want to see politicians dancing on the telly. Do your job!

0:16:420:16:47

Do your bloody job or get in a skip for my entertainment.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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-Who'd like to see a picture of a former prime minister enjoying himself?

-No, we've seen enough.

0:16:570:17:02

-There we are.

-Ah, yes.

-That's Blair with a Kuwaiti prince.

0:17:020:17:06

Giving him a huge amount of money.

0:17:060:17:08

ROSS: Is he a tribute act for the artist formerly known?

0:17:080:17:11

LAUGHTER

0:17:110:17:14

I prefer Hawaiian Elvis but you can't have everything.

0:17:140:17:17

LAUGHTER

0:17:170:17:19

Yup. So Tony Blair Associates - what's been happening there?

0:17:190:17:24

They're a lobbying company and organisation.

0:17:240:17:27

Blair now makes it his business to hire himself out all round the world

0:17:270:17:30

to advise rulers on how to run their countries.

0:17:300:17:33

And he's helping the Kuwaitis with their internal organisation.

0:17:330:17:39

How much have Tony Blair Associates been paid?

0:17:390:17:41

27 million?

0:17:410:17:42

-£27 million. Yeah.

-Which is hardly anything.

0:17:420:17:46

As the country suffers from another round of cuts...

0:17:460:17:48

-LAUGHTER

-..Tony Blair has finally...

0:17:480:17:50

Uh... Sorry.

0:17:500:17:52

-I'm so sorry.

-Is it the...

0:17:520:17:54

the words that are confusing you?

0:17:540:17:56

LAUGHTER

0:17:560:17:58

It's my favourite joke in the WHOLE show.

0:17:580:18:00

The best joke in the show, remember that. It's the best joke.

0:18:000:18:05

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:18:050:18:06

Having run into it from before... otherwise the expectation is...

0:18:060:18:10

Talk about something else. It was your Quality Street, was it? Oh.

0:18:100:18:13

-Yes, it was mine.

-Oh.

-Did you ever see the cagoule again?

0:18:130:18:17

-LAUGHTER

-Never?

-Never. No.

0:18:170:18:20

Oh, mustn't keep chatting. We must get on with the show.

0:18:200:18:23

As the country suffers from another round of cuts,

0:18:230:18:26

Tony Blair has finally won planning permission to build

0:18:260:18:29

a luxury swimming pool in his £6 million country retreat.

0:18:290:18:32

The pool's been specially designed for Mr Blair. It has two shallow ends.

0:18:320:18:36

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:360:18:40

And so to Round Two. As it's the festive season,

0:18:410:18:44

let's see who or what is driving Alexander's sleigh of news.

0:18:440:18:48

Sleigh of news?

0:18:480:18:49

BUZZER

0:18:520:18:53

-Yes?

-There is a major supermarket, Morrisons

0:18:530:18:56

in fact, who are employing squirrels

0:18:560:18:58

to choose nuts for their nut range. They pull a load of nuts out

0:18:580:19:01

and whichever one the squirrel likes, they say, "That's the best nut

0:19:010:19:04

"to put out on our markets this Christmas."

0:19:040:19:06

Sainsbury's is doing the same thing with hippos and oven gloves.

0:19:060:19:09

It's putting together...

0:19:090:19:10

Animals choose. Let them choose for once, we're saying.

0:19:100:19:13

-Exactly.

-Ocelots and brandy butter - a whole thing they're putting together.

0:19:130:19:17

That's absolutely right.

0:19:170:19:19

That's William the squirrel

0:19:190:19:20

who has a nice temporary job at Morrisons this Christmas.

0:19:200:19:23

Couldn't they give it to a Northerner? Grey squirrels are taking all the jobs.

0:19:230:19:28

He's a big fan of pecans. So they've now made it into the store's mixed nut basket.

0:19:280:19:34

Does it have on the packet "recommended by William"?

0:19:340:19:37

-Yeah.

-And a picture of him going...

-Yeah.

0:19:370:19:41

-..these ones are to buy.

-Have they got thumbs, squirrels?

0:19:410:19:45

-Photoshop a thumb on the end of it.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:450:19:48

-I'm getting a bit hot in this jumper.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

0:19:480:19:51

I've actually just slipped my trousers off.

0:19:510:19:53

I hope there's not a squirrel down there.

0:19:540:19:59

William isn't the only rodent making an appearance in supermarkets. Who is this?

0:19:590:20:02

And what is going on here?

0:20:020:20:04

MICKY: This woman

0:20:040:20:05

-took a packet of crisps off of a shelf...

-Mmm.

0:20:050:20:09

-..and mice fell out of it.

-Ugh.

0:20:090:20:13

-Little baby mice.

-Baby mice.

-And they all...

0:20:130:20:16

fell on the floor. And she scooped them up and...

0:20:160:20:19

She said, "Lovely!"

0:20:200:20:21

They made her get a job at Morrisons picking out mice.

0:20:210:20:25

Flavoured ones.

0:20:260:20:28

-She is the horrified Liz Wray.

-She was only horrified

0:20:280:20:30

because the supermarket had employed owls to swoop around the...

0:20:300:20:34

As soon as the mice appeared... whoomph!

0:20:340:20:37

Straight past her head. She got gashed by a tawny.

0:20:370:20:40

She kept her head enough

0:20:400:20:42

to be able to take this not very good picture of the mice

0:20:420:20:44

on her mobile.

0:20:440:20:46

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Eugh, yeah. Six of them.

0:20:460:20:48

Eugh!

0:20:480:20:49

That's what they use as a deterrent.

0:20:490:20:51

You know when you get a jumper or something and it's got a tag in it?

0:20:510:20:55

When you buy crisps in that supermarket,

0:20:550:20:57

they just swipe it in the thing, they take the dead baby mice out,

0:20:570:21:00

"There you go.

0:21:000:21:02

"Merry Christmas.

0:21:020:21:05

"Mind that owl."

0:21:050:21:07

According to Liz, Tesco staff were, of course, quick to react.

0:21:070:21:11

What did they do?

0:21:110:21:12

Did they cut off their tails with a carving knife?

0:21:120:21:14

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-No, they...

0:21:140:21:17

It's what they would have wanted.

0:21:220:21:24

Do you know, a man in my local bank did a poo on the floor once

0:21:270:21:31

and they put a bin over it and carried on serving people. That's the absolute...

0:21:310:21:35

Did he say he was just making a deposit?

0:21:350:21:37

APPLAUSE

0:21:400:21:42

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:21:420:21:43

SLEIGH BELLS RING

0:21:430:21:46

-BUZZER

-Yes?

0:21:460:21:47

MICKY: This is the winner of the X Factor final.

0:21:470:21:51

Do you know the X Factor?

0:21:510:21:52

I'm very, very well aware of it.

0:21:520:21:55

It's the one on ice.

0:21:550:21:57

Speaking of the X Factor, get this, right.

0:21:570:22:00

I was checking out of a hotel the other day

0:22:000:22:02

and this car pulls up, like a people carrier, blacked-out windows, and the fellow...

0:22:020:22:07

I was trying to get my car out and I went, "Go back," like that

0:22:070:22:10

and eventually I forced him to go backwards

0:22:100:22:14

and then he opened the door,

0:22:140:22:15

it's only them young...you know them hairless monkey singers...

0:22:150:22:19

One Direction, right?

0:22:190:22:21

I got One Direction to go in the other direction!

0:22:210:22:25

How cool is that?!

0:22:250:22:27

APPLAUSE Thank you very much!

0:22:270:22:29

You're right on the X Factor thing.

0:22:320:22:34

What do you think the story is though?

0:22:340:22:36

He's got to be number one at Christmas. I do know this story. It's either him...

0:22:360:22:40

-Is it another Facebook group?

-No, it's John Cage, isn't it?

0:22:400:22:44

Exactly right, yes.

0:22:440:22:45

Someone is hoping to make a Christmas number one of John Cage's silent work.

0:22:450:22:49

Do you know what it's called?

0:22:490:22:51

-4'33"?

-Exactly. That's right.

0:22:510:22:53

MICKY: I've never heard it.

0:22:530:22:55

Yes, the X Factor itself came to a rather sticky conclusion at the end of its run last weekend.

0:22:550:23:01

Why was that?

0:23:010:23:03

-I think it's because the dancing on it was far too sexual and provocative.

-Was it raunchy?

0:23:030:23:08

-Yeah.

-Thousands of complaints have been logged,

0:23:080:23:13

following the raunchy performances before the watershed.

0:23:130:23:16

Is that a group? The Watershed?

0:23:160:23:20

-It's a Wetherspoon's in Bromley.

-According to the Daily Mail -

0:23:200:23:25

The Daily Mail was so disgusted by all this that they faithfully

0:23:310:23:34

reproduced almost every frame,

0:23:340:23:37

even enlarging some of the choicer moves.

0:23:370:23:40

They ingeniously included a disclaimer, saying...

0:23:400:23:43

I'll tell you what, the people complaining about it

0:23:500:23:53

being too sexual have got a cheek, considering Louis Walsh essentially looks like a testicle.

0:23:530:23:58

Every single week!

0:24:000:24:01

He's tried to hide it by dying his hair.

0:24:010:24:04

At least put yourself in some sort of gusset.

0:24:040:24:08

Time for the Missing Words round which features, as its guest publication, Scottish Curler.

0:24:110:24:16

Scotland's international curling magazine.

0:24:160:24:18

If you love curling and you're Scottish, this is the magazine for you.

0:24:180:24:22

Hang on, 2.95. No, it's not.

0:24:220:24:24

You start with...

0:24:260:24:27

It must be Pimm's o'clock.

0:24:300:24:32

No...

0:24:330:24:35

Are you hoping for a crate at Christmas?

0:24:370:24:40

He's got a garage full of it.

0:24:420:24:43

I'd shift it, it's horrible stuff, that's what you told me.

0:24:430:24:45

This is a thing about 18th-century slang.

0:24:470:24:49

It is, exactly.

0:24:490:24:50

So is it "avant thee" or "you cream-faced loon"

0:24:500:24:54

or "havet thee, cockle-head"?

0:24:540:24:56

..is the answer

0:24:570:25:00

This is a list of 18th-century slang.

0:25:000:25:03

Four of the terms from 1785 are...

0:25:030:25:06

Clearly, they must have had some kind of X Factor panel then, too.

0:25:160:25:20

Next...

0:25:200:25:21

What you can do for curling, but what curling can do for you.

0:25:250:25:28

That's exactly right.

0:25:280:25:30

-Absolutely spot on.

-APPLAUSE

0:25:300:25:34

This is a rousing speech trying to raise funds for a new ice rink in Scotland

0:25:340:25:38

at a cost of £1 million.

0:25:380:25:40

A cheaper alternative would be to leave the tap on for three weeks.

0:25:400:25:43

Next...

0:25:430:25:45

Horizontal wardrobe?

0:25:470:25:49

Recycling bin.

0:25:500:25:51

Rolls-Royce, sir?

0:25:510:25:53

It's...

0:25:550:25:56

These are hand-crafted coffins made in Ghana. They come in many styles, including

0:26:000:26:04

a fish,

0:26:040:26:05

a golden eagle,

0:26:050:26:07

and an Air Ghana jet.

0:26:070:26:09

For a cheaper Air Ghana jet coffin, just fly Air Ghana.

0:26:110:26:14

Next...

0:26:150:26:16

Prostitution.

0:26:210:26:23

Being buried alive in a premature burial.

0:26:240:26:28

Swingball.

0:26:280:26:29

-Is it carpet bowls?

-No.

-Swimming!

0:26:300:26:34

Before the Ice Age happened.

0:26:340:26:37

It was...

0:26:370:26:38

And finally...

0:26:410:26:43

You're a 51-year-old woman.

0:26:460:26:48

Is it, congratulations, you're the first person to be able

0:26:490:26:53

to communicate with large medical buildings?

0:26:530:26:56

Is it, you're the oldest person in Scotland?

0:27:010:27:03

You are a new mother.

0:27:060:27:08

Exactly right, yes.

0:27:080:27:11

The man told the papers he was...

0:27:120:27:15

I bet! He'd been so careful!

0:27:150:27:17

The final scores are - Paul and Micky on 6

0:27:190:27:21

but Ian and Ross on 8!

0:27:210:27:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:230:27:25

Before we go, there's time for the caption competition.

0:27:300:27:33

Jedward have a haircut.

0:27:340:27:36

Man returns slightly faulty mirror.

0:27:370:27:40

APPLAUSE

0:27:430:27:46

I leave you with news that, in central London,

0:27:460:27:48

as another student protest gets out of hand, a passing couple

0:27:480:27:51

start to worry that their disguises might not be good enough.

0:27:510:27:54

Disaster strikes on Christmas Eve as a prominent figure gets trapped in a kettling operation.

0:27:590:28:03

And as parts of the polar ice caps float past Scotland,

0:28:080:28:11

there's a cheery wave for the residents of Aberdeen.

0:28:110:28:13

Good night.

0:28:170:28:19

APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:22

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:300:28:33

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:330:28:37