Have I Got Old News for You Christmas 2010 Have I Got News for You

-Good evening.

-AUDIENCE: Good evening!

-They told us we could wear our own clothes tonight.

-LAUGHTER

Don't see anything funny about it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Alexander Armstrong.

In the news this week...

In Bristol, local councillors head home after deciding to save money

by cutting the gritting budget.

After another round of public service cuts,

one police officer is politely shown the way to the job centre...

INAUDIBLE

..and after a few too many sherries on Christmas Eve,

Father Christmas struggles to remember where he parked his sleigh...

On Ian Hislop's team is a comedian whose stage show always includes a spectacular inflatable set,

just like this one. It takes Ian and Paul 14 hours to blow it up every week.

Please welcome Ross Noble!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul Merton is a stand-up comedian who appeared recently in the Royal Variety Performance,

where he went down a storm. Apparently, Prince Charles wet himself in the car on the way there.

Please welcome Micky Flanagan!

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Paul and Micky, take a look at this.

Oh, you haven't got the sound on this.

There wasn't much of it, either.

Oh, it keeps moving.

Um, this is the...

That's, um, yeah, the Royal Variety Performance.

This is the notorious incident now, where Charles's car

was trapped, pinned... Di... What's her name? Camilla, this one?

LAUGHTER

I've not been paying much attention.

I thought, "She's aged a bit." But she's... They're still married."

And apparently, she was poked with a stick between Piccadilly Circus and Argyll Street.

Then they were rushed to the Royal Variety Performance, where Prince Charles said,

"I think I preferred the bloody riot," and went back out again.

-You were there, weren't you?

-I thought it was brilliant,

-she's so well trained that she didn't bolt when she was poked with a stick.

-True.

People were really cruel about the way she looked.

Now when people see her, "Oh, I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole,"

that's just a sign you're not a student.

-You didn't get to meet them at the end?

-No. We were all lined up,

they said, "You can't... For security reasons, they're gone.

"They've been given an Oyster card each and..."

-The really important people got to meet them beforehand.

-Right.

Kylie, Take That.

Take That - unfortunate name in the middle of a riot! "Take that!"

The Home Secretary, Theresa May, wouldn't confirm the details. In a statement she said...

That's a very similar statement to what the police put out afterwards,

after they'd hit everyone over the head with a baton.

Anyway, the police are in trouble, for not protecting the Royal Family.

There was a window OPEN in the Royal car.

Well, she was having a fag!

The Sunday Telegraph reported...

Where should they start(?)

The thing is, is that on the outside or the inside?

POSH VOICE: "I say, please don't catch us!"

According to the Times...

Camilla was overheard to remark...

Not what I've heard, love.

The police commissioner said, "You should be very impressed

"with my lads because they didn't kill anyone.

"The showed admirable restraint.

"They didn't kill any students at all."

The only reason for that is she didn't look Brazilian.

If she had...

Oh, yeah...

The other thing, as well, the police got in trouble. Did you see the footage on YouTube?

Of them dragging a guy out of a wheelchair, and they were going,

like, "Have the police gone too far?"

The point of a wheelchair is... Someone in a wheelchair is on wheels.

You don't need to drag them.

They're almost designed for the job.

They can just go, "'Scuse me, you're protesting. Move you over there."

No kettling involved, nothing like that.

Don't drag the... You're making work for yourself!

You're sure the film wasn't reversed? He started off walking and ended up in a wheelchair?

Have you ever seen Susan Boyle move?

She looks like she's on wheels.

-She does!

-Are you sure she isn't?

She just literally... When she finished her song,

she sort of like hovered across the stage and just went off.

-She glides, does she?

-She does. She's majestic.

We've been waiting 2,000 years for such a person.

And it's Susan Boyle!

Now, then. Meanwhile, this fella managed to get himself in all the papers.

-What's his name?

-Gilmour.

-Charlie Gilmour.

-Charlie Gilmour.

-What did he do?

-ROSS: Oh, swinging off flags, wasn't he?

-Yeah.

-BOTH: Hanging from the Cenotaph.

-Yeah.

He had an excuse ready, of course. What did he say?

He said he had no idea what the building was

that he was swinging from.

Which, given that he's a history undergraduate...

Yes. He told the Express:

Although the Express went their own way with this picture -

have a look down in the corner.

LAUGHTER

-Well, easy mistake to make.

-Well, he has got long hair.

Well, there you are.

LAUGHTER

He's the adopted son of the man from Pink Floyd.

-That's right, yeah.

-So it allowed people to point up that his father had said

that generation don't need no education.

-Always annoyed me, that. ANY education.

-LAUGHTER

Apparently the Mail on Sunday had been following him for some time.

They'd spotted him doing what?

On his eighth birthday, he had a packet of...

He had a packet of jelly tots behind the airing cupboard.

They're thorough, the Mail on Sunday.

They'd spotted him earlier in the day:

They went on:

What a tit.

LAUGHTER

The Mail have a theory as to why the protest got so badly out of hand. They reported that:

Is a Wilf, like, a sexy wizard?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No. He's from Dresden.

The students might have had advanced insight into police riot tactics.

Does anyone know why?

Yes.

The police had been using students to practise

how to control crowds

without realising that, by showing the students how they were

going to be controlling crowds, they were giving away the main tactic

-on how they were controlling crowds by involving students.

-Right.

Foolishly, they used the barriers. They used the metal ones

and they were all together whereas if they'd thought it through,

they should have got a lot of traffic cones

thrown them down the street and the students would have just gone..

"I'm having that."

Straight in. No problem at all.

Who complained loudest this week about the police handling of the protest?

A very loud man.

I don't like what you're doing.

Was it the Czechoslovakian husband-and-wife team behind Pinky and Perky?

No, it wasn't. It was Iran.

Iran, yup - they summoned the British ambassador in Tehran, and asked him to justify:

-LAUGHTER

-You've got to love that.

So what might we be seeing more of on the streets?

MICKY: Water cannons.

-Yes.

-They're going to start pelting them with soap and water.

-Water cannon.

-Did you say "soap and water"?

-Soap and water! Break 'em up like that.

-In icy weather,

there's going to be solid lumps of ice shooting out the end of this.

Or a delightful snowfall.

They'll just turn the water cannon on, lovely snow will come down,

everyone will start waltzing.

MICKY: What about flame-throwers?

Flame-throwers and water cannons together seems to be... There's a clash there. Steam.

It's kettling.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes, so this is the...

This is the postmortem into the attack on Charles and Camilla's car.

According to witnesses, as the tin of paint was flung, Camilla turned white.

Well, white with a hint of apple blossom.

One anarchist rioter pictured hanging from the Cenotaph

turned out to be Charlie Gilmour, the son of Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour.

According to The Sun, the young Cambridge student had a privileged education at:

Well, it used to be privileged. Soon it'll be the going rate.

Ian and Ross, here's yours.

It's Eric Pickles!

-It's the Pickles.

-Looking for Pickles.

Oh, that's Prince Wills.

And that's... Oh, blimey.

Ed Miliband. "Thank you for coming. Who are you?"

LAUGHTER

-Is this all one story?

-Yes.

Did the prince rescue Pickles?

Two helicopters together...

"We're going to need a Chinook."

It wouldn't surprise me if Pickles had a helicopter,

-because he got rid of his Prius, didn't he?

-Why?

Cos he got a Jag instead.

He did have a walnut dash but he ate it.

But as well as the car,

he's Minister for Communities.

Secretary of State for Communities.

He's actually four or five communities.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

His passport's an aerial view.

Sorry.

I wouldn't say he's fat but his blood type's ragout.

Sorry. Carry on.

I forgot I wasn't a 1950s American Jewish comedian.

This is a serious story.

He was trying to make a serious piece of legislation.

He's saying that local government should have more power.

They're going to have more power by being given less money.

They're going to have huge spending cuts

and they're going to have the power to not provide any services,

which is a terrific advance for devolved government.

Exactly right.

Councils throughout the country will be losing, on average,

5% of their budget.

But according to The Times, where are the biggest cuts taking place?

The poorer councils are going to be poorer

and the richer councils are going to stay richer.

So we're all in it together, proportionally.

-Do you know any of the poor councils that are suffering?

-Hackney.

They are generally northern.

Shetland, Orkney...

BOTH TALK AT ONCE

I was working my way down!

The smallest cuts taking place?

Chelsea, Mayfair, Park Lane.

What's the other one?

Just before "Go".

Erm...

At last, something to ease Wokingham's pain.

Those spending cuts are going to put people in the north out of work

but has anyone in the Conservative Party suggested

another alternative career for them?

Yes. Cherry picking.

Not cherry picking in a "Hey, northerners, come down

"and take the best jobs."

Actually picking cherries.

-David Shakespeare.

-That's the fella.

He's the leader of Buckinghamshire Council.

He said, "Come down south. Come to Kent. Pick the fruit.

"There's lots of jobs being taken by Ukrainians and Somalis.

"Why don't you northerners pop down for a couple of weeks?"

Bring those whippets as well.

-Is there no cherries in the north?

-No.

You don't have cherries in the north?

Have you never heard of the cherry wars of the 1980s? Shocking.

They're closing down the cherry yards.

It was awful. It was awful.

The cherry marches that descended on London.

Cherry Marches? Wasn't she a porn star? I think she was a porn star.

What peculiar instruction has Ken Clarke given to

prison governors this week?

MICKY FLANAGAN: To let out prisoners more quickly.

No, it's more peculiar than that.

They mustn't carry out naked squat searches on transsexuals.

For some people that IS Christmas.

Instead, they have to draw up a voluntary contract

with them before they carry out a rub-down.

Prison officers say this will hamper their search for drugs

and there'll be a fall in crack seizures.

OK. Right, now. What new crime-fighting technique

are police using in some parts of the country?

Specially-trained psychics on horseback.

No.

Specially-trained psychic horses on policeback.

It's a highly sophisticated way of categorising members of the public.

Yeah. "Are you Lenny Henry or..."

They just say, "Are you Lenny Henry?"

There were four. There was a spectrum.

-Lenny Henry, there was Jeremy Paxman...

-Yeah.

-Er...

These are the offenders that are categorised?

No, these are members of the public. There are only four categories.

There's the Jeremy Paxman, an analytical person,

who commands respect.

There's the Madonna, who's a control freak.

The Lorraine Kelly, an amiable person, who worries about security.

Then there's the Lenny Henry, who can't get arrested.

MICKY FLANAGAN: I'm very unclear on this.

As far as I can see, there are four people that carry out

major crimes in this country - Lenny Henry, Lorraine Kelly,

Jeremy Paxman and Madonna.

You'd think with her money she could leave it alone.

Nipping down to Timothy Whites and stealing talcum powder.

You know Timothy Whites stopped trading in about 1972?

You know why? Because of people like Madonna.

If you say this now, Alexander at the end of the programme

will have to have a lawyer's note.

"We would just like to stress that Madonna has never

"gone into Timothy Whites to steal various..."

I'll look forward to that apology later on.

Will you go to prison for it?

Would you go to prison for that gag?

I would for that.

If you do, tuck your bits through say, "I'm a transsexual."

There'll be no squatting for you.

-They insist on being called Helen.

-You could put a phone up your bum,

-as well now. That's what they were doing.

-But you can do it for Christmas as a wild trick.

-Then phone someone you don't like.

-Who'd like to see a picture

of a coalition minister enjoying himself?

Who'd like to see a picture of a coalition minister? Eh?

-We'd like to see one.

-A coalition minister having a ball.

-There. Vince Cable.

-Yeah, he's on Strictly.

-ROSS: That scumbag!

-Do what?

Politicians. No! Wrong. He looks like he can dance there.

If politicians want to go on these sorts of shows

and profit from some sort of career outside of politics,

then they should have the decency to be dragged around by the hair

like Widdecombe.

Ann Widdecombe

on Strictly Come Dancing. "Ooh, I'm the pantomime character."

You're not. People are laughing at you. And I would pay good money

not to see her just dragged around the studio.

Open the doors, just drag her out through the car park,

down the street, put her in a skip.

I would pay money to see the BBC Three Strictly Come Dancing Extra

with Ann Widdecombe in a skip, struggling to get out.

I don't want to see politicians dancing on the telly. Do your job!

Do your bloody job or get in a skip for my entertainment.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-Who'd like to see a picture of a former prime minister enjoying himself?

-No, we've seen enough.

-There we are.

-Ah, yes.

-That's Blair with a Kuwaiti prince.

Giving him a huge amount of money.

ROSS: Is he a tribute act for the artist formerly known?

LAUGHTER

I prefer Hawaiian Elvis but you can't have everything.

LAUGHTER

Yup. So Tony Blair Associates - what's been happening there?

They're a lobbying company and organisation.

Blair now makes it his business to hire himself out all round the world

to advise rulers on how to run their countries.

And he's helping the Kuwaitis with their internal organisation.

How much have Tony Blair Associates been paid?

27 million?

-£27 million. Yeah.

-Which is hardly anything.

As the country suffers from another round of cuts...

-LAUGHTER

-..Tony Blair has finally...

Uh... Sorry.

-I'm so sorry.

-Is it the...

the words that are confusing you?

LAUGHTER

It's my favourite joke in the WHOLE show.

The best joke in the show, remember that. It's the best joke.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Having run into it from before... otherwise the expectation is...

Talk about something else. It was your Quality Street, was it? Oh.

-Yes, it was mine.

-Oh.

-Did you ever see the cagoule again?

-LAUGHTER

-Never?

-Never. No.

Oh, mustn't keep chatting. We must get on with the show.

As the country suffers from another round of cuts,

Tony Blair has finally won planning permission to build

a luxury swimming pool in his £6 million country retreat.

The pool's been specially designed for Mr Blair. It has two shallow ends.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two. As it's the festive season,

let's see who or what is driving Alexander's sleigh of news.

Sleigh of news?

BUZZER

-Yes?

-There is a major supermarket, Morrisons

in fact, who are employing squirrels

to choose nuts for their nut range. They pull a load of nuts out

and whichever one the squirrel likes, they say, "That's the best nut

"to put out on our markets this Christmas."

Sainsbury's is doing the same thing with hippos and oven gloves.

It's putting together...

Animals choose. Let them choose for once, we're saying.

-Exactly.

-Ocelots and brandy butter - a whole thing they're putting together.

That's absolutely right.

That's William the squirrel

who has a nice temporary job at Morrisons this Christmas.

Couldn't they give it to a Northerner? Grey squirrels are taking all the jobs.

He's a big fan of pecans. So they've now made it into the store's mixed nut basket.

Does it have on the packet "recommended by William"?

-Yeah.

-And a picture of him going...

-Yeah.

-..these ones are to buy.

-Have they got thumbs, squirrels?

-Photoshop a thumb on the end of it.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm getting a bit hot in this jumper.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

I've actually just slipped my trousers off.

I hope there's not a squirrel down there.

William isn't the only rodent making an appearance in supermarkets. Who is this?

And what is going on here?

MICKY: This woman

-took a packet of crisps off of a shelf...

-Mmm.

-..and mice fell out of it.

-Ugh.

-Little baby mice.

-Baby mice.

-And they all...

fell on the floor. And she scooped them up and...

She said, "Lovely!"

They made her get a job at Morrisons picking out mice.

Flavoured ones.

-She is the horrified Liz Wray.

-She was only horrified

because the supermarket had employed owls to swoop around the...

As soon as the mice appeared... whoomph!

Straight past her head. She got gashed by a tawny.

She kept her head enough

to be able to take this not very good picture of the mice

on her mobile.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Eugh, yeah. Six of them.

Eugh!

That's what they use as a deterrent.

You know when you get a jumper or something and it's got a tag in it?

When you buy crisps in that supermarket,

they just swipe it in the thing, they take the dead baby mice out,

"There you go.

"Merry Christmas.

"Mind that owl."

According to Liz, Tesco staff were, of course, quick to react.

What did they do?

Did they cut off their tails with a carving knife?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-No, they...

It's what they would have wanted.

Do you know, a man in my local bank did a poo on the floor once

and they put a bin over it and carried on serving people. That's the absolute...

Did he say he was just making a deposit?

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

SLEIGH BELLS RING

-BUZZER

-Yes?

MICKY: This is the winner of the X Factor final.

Do you know the X Factor?

I'm very, very well aware of it.

It's the one on ice.

Speaking of the X Factor, get this, right.

I was checking out of a hotel the other day

and this car pulls up, like a people carrier, blacked-out windows, and the fellow...

I was trying to get my car out and I went, "Go back," like that

and eventually I forced him to go backwards

and then he opened the door,

it's only them young...you know them hairless monkey singers...

One Direction, right?

I got One Direction to go in the other direction!

How cool is that?!

APPLAUSE Thank you very much!

You're right on the X Factor thing.

What do you think the story is though?

He's got to be number one at Christmas. I do know this story. It's either him...

-Is it another Facebook group?

-No, it's John Cage, isn't it?

Exactly right, yes.

Someone is hoping to make a Christmas number one of John Cage's silent work.

Do you know what it's called?

-4'33"?

-Exactly. That's right.

MICKY: I've never heard it.

Yes, the X Factor itself came to a rather sticky conclusion at the end of its run last weekend.

Why was that?

-I think it's because the dancing on it was far too sexual and provocative.

-Was it raunchy?

-Yeah.

-Thousands of complaints have been logged,

following the raunchy performances before the watershed.

Is that a group? The Watershed?

-It's a Wetherspoon's in Bromley.

-According to the Daily Mail -

The Daily Mail was so disgusted by all this that they faithfully

reproduced almost every frame,

even enlarging some of the choicer moves.

They ingeniously included a disclaimer, saying...

I'll tell you what, the people complaining about it

being too sexual have got a cheek, considering Louis Walsh essentially looks like a testicle.

Every single week!

He's tried to hide it by dying his hair.

At least put yourself in some sort of gusset.

Time for the Missing Words round which features, as its guest publication, Scottish Curler.

Scotland's international curling magazine.

If you love curling and you're Scottish, this is the magazine for you.

Hang on, 2.95. No, it's not.

You start with...

It must be Pimm's o'clock.

No...

Are you hoping for a crate at Christmas?

He's got a garage full of it.

I'd shift it, it's horrible stuff, that's what you told me.

This is a thing about 18th-century slang.

It is, exactly.

So is it "avant thee" or "you cream-faced loon"

or "havet thee, cockle-head"?

..is the answer

This is a list of 18th-century slang.

Four of the terms from 1785 are...

Clearly, they must have had some kind of X Factor panel then, too.

Next...

What you can do for curling, but what curling can do for you.

That's exactly right.

-Absolutely spot on.

-APPLAUSE

This is a rousing speech trying to raise funds for a new ice rink in Scotland

at a cost of £1 million.

A cheaper alternative would be to leave the tap on for three weeks.

Next...

Horizontal wardrobe?

Recycling bin.

Rolls-Royce, sir?

It's...

These are hand-crafted coffins made in Ghana. They come in many styles, including

a fish,

a golden eagle,

and an Air Ghana jet.

For a cheaper Air Ghana jet coffin, just fly Air Ghana.

Next...

Prostitution.

Being buried alive in a premature burial.

Swingball.

-Is it carpet bowls?

-No.

-Swimming!

Before the Ice Age happened.

It was...

And finally...

You're a 51-year-old woman.

Is it, congratulations, you're the first person to be able

to communicate with large medical buildings?

Is it, you're the oldest person in Scotland?

You are a new mother.

Exactly right, yes.

The man told the papers he was...

I bet! He'd been so careful!

The final scores are - Paul and Micky on 6

but Ian and Ross on 8!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's time for the caption competition.

Jedward have a haircut.

Man returns slightly faulty mirror.

APPLAUSE

I leave you with news that, in central London,

as another student protest gets out of hand, a passing couple

start to worry that their disguises might not be good enough.

Disaster strikes on Christmas Eve as a prominent figure gets trapped in a kettling operation.

And as parts of the polar ice caps float past Scotland,

there's a cheery wave for the residents of Aberdeen.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]