Episode 9 Have I Got News for You


Episode 9

The popular news quiz returns, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Miranda Hart and guest panellists Marcus Brigstocke and Greg Davies.


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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Miranda Hart.

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In the news this week, for the first time in his life, Boris Johnson doesn't have to lie to his wife

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about why he's come home all hot and sweaty.

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There's a surprise in Downing Street as a member of the public

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delivers a piece of Nick Clegg's missing backbone.

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In Switzerland, Dignitas launches a new service for its clients' pets.

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On Paul Merton's team tonight is a comedian who says

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he first realised he was famous when he was asked to sign someone's boobs.

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I haven't washed them since!

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Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Ian Hislop is a comedian and member of the sketch troop We Are Klang,

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who rely heavily on slapstick and physical comedy to get their laughs.

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There's no future in that.

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Oh-ho!

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Sorry. Will you please welcome Greg Davies?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Very good.

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That's the way to do it.

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No-one saw that coming. Marvellous.

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.

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This is the Liberal Democrat MP, Mr Hancock and that's his Russian Aide.

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-Possibly a spy.

-Yes.

-Ooh. Sexy boots.

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Are they meant to be Sepp Blatter's boots?

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We're looking forward to the World Cup bid, see how that goes.

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Very exciting. That's Julian Assange.

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Congratulations to Russia for successfully winning the World Cup in 2018 by 3-0 in the final.

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This is a mixture of Russia and football and FIFA and the spy or potential spy.

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She might have been studying a Liberal Democrat MP, trying to decide whose side he's on.

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-Right, yes.

-He does seem a fairly weird choice.

-Does he?

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If you were going to send a spy from Russia,

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whether you would choose, immediately, a backbench Liberal Democrat MP

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for all the hottest information seems...

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Yeah, but they like to have sleep of people, don't they? People who sit around doing nothing for years.

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-They've definitely found one.

-Exactly.

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For some reason, Mr Hancock is a honeypot for young Russians.

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-That's not his most flattering picture.

-No, that is. That's the best!

-Is it?

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How could a spy get through the rigorous Commons vetting procedure for a researchers job?

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There isn't any. If an MP gives you the job, you're in.

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According to a Commons security spokesman...

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No-one suspects Mike Hancock of being involved in espionage though, and why?

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Because our lawyers have asked you to say that.

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One MP told The Times...

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A Euro MP who attended a hotel conference with Mike Hancock said...

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A double mandate.

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-Is that a sort of sex thing?

-SHE MOUTHS

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If all this Wikileaks stuff had turned up office, what would you do as an editor of Private Eye?

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Like all journalists, I've said, "Oh, Wikileaks, we all knew that already."

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However, had someone given it to me, I'd have put it all in.

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Risking, perhaps, a trumped-up charge somewhere and deported back to the United States,

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where Sarah Palin wants this guy to be executed?

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-Yeah.

-Because that'll stop the Internet, then, you see.

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She said he should be hunted down with the same ferver with which we hunt down al-Qaeda's leaders,

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which, of course, would horrify Mr Assange, as he'd have to live for nine years, undetected, in a cave.

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Assange has been arrested in connection with alleged sexual assault.

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But this is the unusual thing about it.

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This case has already been dropped in Sweden two or three months ago.

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Now it's been restarted by a completely different prosecution in a different part of the country.

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-So it does look a bit odd.

-The timing is a bit fishy.

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But then I think we're finding everything a bit curious at the moment.

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I mean, the fact that there's a Lib Dem caught with a woman...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's been suggested that the row over the alleged spy is simply

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retaliation for Russia beating our bid to host the World Cup.

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There is nothing fishy about the World Cup bid at all.

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One of the delegates said to Putin beforehand, "You must come see us in Moscow during the games."

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-Before the vote.

-Newspapers were going on because, unfortunately,

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the people who were casting the vote were lying.

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They were saying, "Yes, we'll vote for you. Hee-hee-hee."

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But they didn't do the "hee-hee-hee" bit out loud. If they did, we would have known.

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Beckham might not have known. LAUGHTER

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The time when we're slashing the money we're putting into sports

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at schools, we spent £17 million on getting two votes.

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And one of them was our bloke.

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LAUGHTER

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He'd have done it for nothing, he says afterwards.

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Do you know why Beckham decided not to wear the same tie as Cameron and Prince William?

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Cos he didn't go to Eton.

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LAUGHTER

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He said, "I didn't want to look like a bastard."

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Sorry...sorry.

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A BA steward, I'm so sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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Prince William gave his all in the pitch to FIFA, did you see it?

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He included his best joke, and please listen out

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for the response he got in the room.

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I know that we can deliver extraordinary public occasions

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and celebrations.

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I certainly hope so, as I'm planning quite a big one myself next year.

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RESTRAINED TITTER

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And you know that was the bloke who wrote the joke, laughing there.

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"Great, William! Loved it, loved the gag."

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It sounds like someone's panicked and gone, "Oh, my goodness,

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-"that's a joke."

-LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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-That's what it sounds like.

-That wasn't that funny,

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but when they said Britain had fantastic infrastructure...

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that was the day when most of us had spent six hours trying to get on a train to anywhere...

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only to be told, "No, trains don't go, we can't tell you why. Get lost."

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A lot of your world views seem to be formed around the lateness of trains.

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Yes, it's a complete obsession.

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Getting back to FIFA...

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At least it stops us having eight years of "are we going to win the World Cup?" business.

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Stops us going through that nightmare.

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The thing as well... Shall we just do the Olympics and see how we get on?

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-See how we get on with that.

-Start with that.

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And if it goes well, have the World Cup final immediately afterwards.

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APPLAUSE

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Why don't we hold them in 2011? We'd get a head start on everybody else then.

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"400m? Sorry, mate, that was last year."

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Qatar won it as well. That's good, cos they're a famous footballing nation.

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Yes, it's true.

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Qatar's been chosen for the 2022 World Cup, which is bad

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for England fans, according to The Sun.

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-Why?

-Does easyJet not go there?

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-Women are covered up?

-Oh, you can't drink there!

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-Can you arrive drunk?

-Yes.

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You have to be drunk enough to stay pissed throughout the entire tournament.

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So you've got to stock up on the plane.

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Very precise. Same as what happened on the tubes after Boris banned drinking in London.

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You had to know exactly how drunk to get before you set off.

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Which is where the delays make it more difficult for people.

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Is anyone struggling to locate Qatar on a map?

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Because if you are, then ITV News At Ten offered this very handy explanation.

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These are happy Qataris.

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But what or where is it?

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Remember, not "guitar",

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certainly not "gutter" anymore,

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it's Qatar, and it's here, next to Saudi Arabia.

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LAUGHTER

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What was that, on the ITV News?

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-Yeah, News At Ten.

-How many people thought that the World Cup was going to be held on a guitar?!

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Yeah, so this is the Russian Commons researcher who may be deported

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from the UK on suspicion of spying.

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Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock has been associated

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with a string of attractive Eastern European women,

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but told the Daily Mail:

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I'm sure you haven't, but have you had sex with them? That's the question.

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APPLAUSE

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Speaking from Russia, Miss Zatuliveter's father accused the British of having:

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No, don't worry, we've all moved on from that,

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you World Cup-stealing bastards.

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The decision to award the World Cup in 2018 to Russia

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was a bitter blow to England's bid team,

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especially Prince William who will now have nothing to cheer him up in the year of his divorce.

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LAUGHTER

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Right, Ian and Gregg, here's yours.

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-Charles Kennedy.

-In the rain.

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Menzies.

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Um, Nick Clegg shaking hands with a few people. They look keen.

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Oh, they look violent.

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And so does he!

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Philip Green.

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And that's a very sophisticated poster. Oh, they're being dragged

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out of Top Shop.

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You have to drag me IN.

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LAUGHTER

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This is the vote that we don't know the result of. It's the Lib Dems.

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-Yes.

-And some of them are not going to vote with their government.

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Two former leaders are not going to vote

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with the man who took their job.

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-There's a surprise.

-Yes. This is the country's students fomenting unrest on the streets.

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One protester decided to interrupt the Turner Prize ceremony at Tate Britain.

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GREG: Ironically, she came second.

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Yes, the students had an effect. The Lib Dems were jolly worried,

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but now they've decided they'd look more ridiculous if they didn't vote for their own proposal

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than if they voted against their own proposal.

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It's quite a fine balance, but they've gone for the slightly less ridiculous option.

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The Times had some advice for the Lib Dems in it's leader column on Tuesday.

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Although they have managed to pull off both, which is tremendous.

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What's happened to the Lib Dems? It's tragic.

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Just a few short months ago, they were the Tim Henman of British politics.

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No-one really cared if they won.

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It wasn't important, we just like cheering for them.

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And now it's... Oh, dear God!

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-It's the most fantastic mess.

-It is.

-It's why the students are stroppy.

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Apart from being hit over the head with batons.

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Well, that will make a student stroppy, particularly if it's during Cash In The Attic.

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LAUGHTER

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Now that it's settled that students have to pay for their own tuition,

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can't we give them the option of HOW they can pay for it?

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When I was at university, at least two of my lecturers were alcoholics -

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they'd have taught me for a van load of duty free.

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There was one particularly predatory homosexual who'd have done it for free, to be honest.

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If only the government had consulted you with their proposals.

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The whole issue could have been resolved so easily.

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There were some familiar Westminster names back in the news this week.

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David Chaytor, do you remember him? He admitted

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falsifying his expenses by naming his daughter as his landlady,

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which enabled him to claim rent for a flat he already owned.

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He also claimed for renting his mother's house despite never paying her any rent at all

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after submitting documentation supposedly signed by her, but she was in a home with Alzheimer's.

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Nice bloke.

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There's a line where you stop being angry and think, "You're so cunning. You deserve to get away with that."

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His lawyers are arguing for a lenient sentence because of...

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Yeah, I'm not sure you'd get off murder trials by

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"Oh, I've lost... Yeah, lost my train of thought."

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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Train of thought delayed by six hours.

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APPLAUSE

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At least you had the common decency to inform us that your train was delayed.

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My train of thought's now so expensive I can't even get on it.

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-And you saw Top Shop earlier.

-Yes.

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A group of protesters have been making trouble for Sir Philip Green,

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suggesting he doesn't pay the amount of tax he should pay

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because the government employed Sir Philip Green, amusingly,

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as an advisor on waste.

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And the obvious answer is it'd be less wasteful if you paid some tax.

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-His wife is based in Monaco.

-Yes.

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So he says, "I do pay my taxes. It's just she doesn't."

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-All the money goes through her.

-Yes.

-Literally.

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And we mustn't forget the weather this week.

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You've mentioned the snow causing havoc.

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A lot of trouble on the trains.

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Here's a recording of a woman who rang the police.

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-'Hello, I need the police, please.

-OK, what's happening?

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'What happened was, there's been a theft from outside my house.

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'I went out five minutes ago to have a fag and he's gone.

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-'Who's gone, sorry?

-My snowman.'

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LAUGHTER

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'What do you mean? A snowman made out of snow or an ornament?

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'No, he's made out of snow. I made him myself.' LAUGHTER

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'He had teaspoons as arms and money on his face. I'm not being funny.

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'I know it's only a snowman. I thought he'd be fine, with it being icy,

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'people ain't been walking up and down the road.

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'It ain't a nice road, but at the end of the day, you don't expect someone to nick your snowman.'

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That's tremendous.

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The snowman had £2 coins for eyes, apparently,

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so that was the suggestion for the motivation for the crime.

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-And a teaspoon for ears or something.

-That was for its arms,

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but if you were going to steal £2 coins, you don't need to take the entire snowman.

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You'd just leave the snowman blind, would you?

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-That's a bit heartless.

-I would actually suggest, Paul, that the snowman wasn't stolen,

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it took its own life, because it had teaspoons for arms.

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Is it much more likely that the snowman just flew off to the North Pole?

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-You got that from that Aled Jones documentary you watched, didn't you?

-Oh, yes, so I did.

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This is the controversial vote on raising tuition fees -

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the Lib Dems have tried to limit the damage. According to the Telegraph...

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..which took him nearly half an hour.

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In an interview with Esquire Magazine,

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Nick Clegg revealed that he recently had dog faeces shoved through his letterbox -

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isn't it marvellous what you can order on Amazon these days?

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Or what you can train a dog to do.

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And so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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-BUZZER

-Oh, that was quick.

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-This is the panda story.

-Yes.

-You are right.

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What they've done in China is there's this rehabilitation centre...

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Well, I say rehabilitation centre, it's not for pissed pandas,

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but to try and reintroduce pandas into the wild

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and they don't want the young pandas to see too many humans cos it makes their wildness diminish,

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so they've dressed up in those fantastically-convincing panda outfits

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to trick the baby pandas.

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Here's a keeper dressed up as the cub's mum.

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Walking about like normal pandas do on two legs(!)

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It's a bit of a high-risk strategy - what if a panda sees its parent ripping its own head off...

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to reveal a human head underneath?

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Well, he'll just spend the rest of its time trying to get its own head off...

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to reveal Eamonn Holmes!

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Well, David Attenborough was interviewed in the Sun recently about panda sex.

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-Do you know what he said?

-Overrated.

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He says the penis of a giant male panda is...

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Oh, well, no wonder they're not breeding if you get insults like that.

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-You'd have no confidence, would you?

-But how would they compensate for the problem?

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Strap-on.

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LAUGHTER

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-Sorry.

-He actually says...

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Is that all it is - quarter of an inch? Hmm.

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Can't work out if you're resentful or jealous.

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Just...just empathising.

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This story brought out the worst in the headline writers. Do you know what they went for?

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Panda-monium.

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The Sun went with...

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The panda costume scheme may have to be abandoned after one keeper realised, due to an admin error,

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he'd spent six months hand-rearing a midget in a baby panda suit.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BELL RINGS

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-Is this the person in the House of Commons who used a line from this as a joke?

-No.

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-That sounds a very interesting story.

-Yes.

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-Shall I tell you?

-ALL: Yeah!

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It's the revelation that speaking to foreigners with a foreign accent makes you easier to understand.

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Oh, yes, I did read this. If you put on a stupid accent, it actually works.

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When you say "stupid accent", are you referring to all accents that aren't English?

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-I'm referring to the way you sound.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-If you put on a convincing accent...

-I see.

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-..it doesn't have the same effect because you're not clear.

-Mmm.

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You're stupid in that you're putting on an exaggerated French, Swedish, Belgian, Russian, Chinese accent,

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-and speaking very loudly.

-And with one jump, he was free.

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Who's the famous Englishman that has been picked out as an example of this?

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Well, Blair does it, if he's talking to the builder.

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"Come on in, mate, have a cuppa tea, lovely to see you."

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LAUGHTER

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What, he does Bruce Forsyth impressions?

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"Good wall, good wall. Lovely wall, lovely wall."

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GREG: I think I've adapted my laugh.

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-When I'm in taxis.

-A sort of taxi driver laugh?

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Sort of... MANLY CHUCKLE

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Especially when they talk about football, cos I don't know anything about football.

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So I just have to go, "Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha."

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LAUGHTER

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This story gave the Telegraph the chance to put together

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a list of terrible accents in films. What made the list?

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Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins would be number one.

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-It usually is.

-Yes.

-Absolutely.

-"What's the matter, Mary Poppins?"

0:20:030:20:06

How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? But that's his own accent.

0:20:060:20:10

What about Sean Connery playing an Irishman in The Untouchables?

0:20:100:20:15

He has... He's not a big accents man, Connery.

0:20:150:20:19

To be honest.

0:20:190:20:20

Playing an English Secret Service agent was quite tough, wasn't it?

0:20:200:20:25

"That looks like a U-boat."

0:20:250:20:26

-Just practising it.

-That was Yorkshire.

-I just wanted to see if I could do his accent.

0:20:260:20:31

-I can't.

-You have to say words that have S's in,

0:20:310:20:34

and then do an S-H sound.

0:20:340:20:36

-Sho you shay shomeshing like thish.

-Oh, I shee.

0:20:360:20:39

Oh, it'sh quite eashy onshe you know how.

0:20:390:20:42

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:420:20:44

I once met Roger Moore.

0:20:470:20:50

I once met Roger Moore at an awards ceremony, a film ceremony thing,

0:20:500:20:53

and I'd never met him before, obviously seen him on television, The Saint, The Persuaders.

0:20:530:20:58

He came up to me, said the most bizarre thing. "I can hear BLEEP all in this ear."

0:20:580:21:02

LAUGHTER

0:21:020:21:03

First thing he said to me!

0:21:030:21:06

Also, the other one I like, David Attenborough said to me once,

0:21:090:21:12

"You make me pee myself with laughter." Pause.

0:21:120:21:15

Then there was a pause. "Mind you, I have got diabetes."

0:21:150:21:19

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's true.

0:21:190:21:21

Right. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:21:230:21:26

-BUZZER

-Ah!

0:21:280:21:31

You know all about this.

0:21:310:21:34

There's James Naughtie on the Today programme, Radio 4,

0:21:340:21:38

who was referring to Jeremy...Hunt...

0:21:380:21:41

-MARCUS: Careful.

-Careful. Steady.

0:21:410:21:43

And then Andrew Marr, laughing about it later on, made exactly the same mistake again.

0:21:430:21:48

And then later on in the House of Commons on the same day,

0:21:480:21:50

an MP also used this word instead of the word "cuts".

0:21:500:21:53

So, er...

0:21:530:21:55

-It's true!

-I didn't hear that.

-"I hate these cuts".

0:21:550:21:59

LAUGHTER

0:21:590:22:01

But you have to be careful how you put words together.

0:22:010:22:04

Look at the BBC show Antiques Hunt.

0:22:040:22:07

-It's got to be plural! It can't be singular.

-No.

0:22:070:22:10

Because it becomes Antique Hunt.

0:22:100:22:12

I'm not saying...

0:22:120:22:14

-"Antique Hunt".

-You're just saying it how it is.

0:22:140:22:17

It really was the best Today programme I've listened to in quite a while.

0:22:170:22:21

Not so much the event itself, you know, it was a simple mistake

0:22:210:22:24

and you sort of think, "We mustn't be too childish about this."

0:22:240:22:27

But the way that Jim Naughtie tried to recover...

0:22:270:22:30

We must listen, because it is funny the 15th time,

0:22:300:22:33

let alone the first, if you haven't seen it. Here it is.

0:22:330:22:36

'What's happening in the course of the next hour?

0:22:360:22:38

'After the news, we're going to be talking to Jeremy Cunt...

0:22:380:22:40

'er, Hunt, the Culture Secretary.

0:22:400:22:42

-COUGHS

-About broadband.

0:22:420:22:44

-DEEP BREATH

-It's eight o'clock on Monday the 6th of December.

0:22:440:22:49

-STRANGLED VOICE:

-American officials have condemned Wikileaks

0:22:490:22:52

after the website published a list of hundreds of facilities said to be vital for American security.

0:22:520:22:57

-PAUSE

-Every community in Britain...

0:22:570:22:59

-STRANGLED VOICE:

-..has been promised it'll have access to the fastest...broadband...

0:22:590:23:04

-networks within five years.

-COUGHS

0:23:040:23:06

Excuse me. And Egypt has called in international shark experts

0:23:060:23:09

-to investigate a series of attacks...

-COUGHS

0:23:090:23:12

..in the Red Sea. Pardon me. Coughing fit.

0:23:120:23:15

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

0:23:150:23:17

-PAUL:

-Massive cuts at the BBC!

0:23:170:23:19

LAUGHTER

0:23:190:23:21

My understanding is it's the most times that

0:23:210:23:23

that word's been used at the BBC

0:23:240:23:26

since Noel Edmonds got stuck in a revolving door.

0:23:260:23:29

LAUGHTER

0:23:290:23:30

What was wrong with most of the headlines about this story?

0:23:300:23:33

They were worried whether it was a Spoonerism or a Freudian slip.

0:23:330:23:38

That seemed to exercise everyone.

0:23:380:23:40

Cos that would make him the Hulture Secretary.

0:23:400:23:43

-Yeah.

-Which I don't think anyone really thought.

0:23:430:23:46

-No, it's not a Spoonerism, is it?

-It was a Freudian slip.

0:23:460:23:49

Reverend Spooner: "Please glaze your arses for the queer old dean."

0:23:490:23:53

That was one of his.

0:23:530:23:54

The problem was the hilarious potential of Naughtie's surname,

0:23:540:23:58

without considering the pronunciation. So the Mirror had:

0:23:580:24:01

The Express had:

0:24:030:24:04

The Mail had:

0:24:070:24:08

It just doesn't work.

0:24:100:24:12

Surprisingly, the Sun came up trumps with the quite brilliant, wait for it:

0:24:120:24:15

LAUGHTER

0:24:170:24:19

It is one of those names that must've been pronounced NAUGHTY at one point then generations ago,

0:24:190:24:24

it's, "Oh no, it's NAUGHTIE".

0:24:240:24:26

Like people with SIDEBOTTOM say CITYBOTHAM. It's one of those.

0:24:260:24:30

Yeah. Thank you.

0:24:300:24:32

-I feel like I was in Dictionary Corner then.

-It was good!

0:24:320:24:35

We've come up with a four-letter word, funnily enough!

0:24:350:24:38

See you next Tuesday!

0:24:420:24:44

This is BBC Radio 4's Today programme, presenter James Naughtie

0:24:480:24:52

and the trouble he had introducing Culture Secretary Jeremy H-unt!

0:24:520:24:56

It's the most hilarious introduction to a politician on Radio 4 since Nick Clegg - Deputy Prime Minister.

0:24:560:25:02

Naughtie apologised for the slip blaming the incident on...

0:25:050:25:08

Just as well he wasn't interviewing backbencher Alan Fothermucker.

0:25:100:25:14

Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features as its

0:25:170:25:21

guest publication, The UK Roundabout Appreciation Society Newsletter.

0:25:210:25:25

An excellent magazine and this month

0:25:250:25:27

it comes with it's own pull-out unexpectedly section!

0:25:270:25:31

Ha-ha!

0:25:310:25:33

And we start with...

0:25:330:25:35

-What?

0:25:380:25:39

Declares love of squares.

0:25:390:25:41

LAUGHTER

0:25:410:25:44

This is a report on a highly contentious issue, entitled...

0:25:490:25:54

Next...

0:25:580:25:59

What?

0:25:590:26:02

A doddle cos I live at 73.

0:26:020:26:04

APPLAUSE

0:26:040:26:07

Straight through the cat-flap.

0:26:070:26:09

-Dangerous - you should pull into the slow lane.

-Yeah.

0:26:090:26:12

I think it's something like, it's wonderful if you can remember it.

0:26:120:26:15

Pretty much spot on...

0:26:150:26:18

Yes. Next...

0:26:180:26:20

A vortex that sucked in anything picturesque and all sense of hope.

0:26:230:26:27

APPLAUSE

0:26:270:26:29

It's actually...

0:26:290:26:31

This is the 1960s planning meeting that saw the creation of Telford's roundabouts.

0:26:380:26:42

At the same meeting someone also spilt their tea,

0:26:420:26:45

which is why Telford has a lovely artificial lake and thanks to the all the smokers, 18 crematoriums.

0:26:450:26:51

And finally...

0:26:510:26:53

Out of ten, how lonely would you describe...

0:26:580:27:02

LAUGHTER ..your existence as being?

0:27:020:27:05

If roundabouts didn't exist, what would you spot?

0:27:050:27:08

-I like it.

-I do as well.

0:27:080:27:11

It wouldn't be trains, cos there aren't any.

0:27:110:27:13

MOUTHS: Nothing.

0:27:130:27:16

The answer is...

0:27:160:27:18

For those of you who aren't regular readers, you may have missed this in the latest quarterly newsletter...

0:27:240:27:29

She's left him. Why?! Why?!

0:27:370:27:39

So, the final scores are...

0:27:390:27:43

Ian and Greg have three,

0:27:430:27:45

-and Paul and Marcus have seven.

-Seven? Well done.

0:27:450:27:48

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:27:480:27:51

I leave you with news that after an informal wedding rehearsal at

0:27:540:27:57

Westminster Abbey, Wills and Kate head back to the Palace...

0:27:570:28:00

In a bid to appeal to the youth of today, Pope Benedict XVI base jumps from the balcony of St Peter's...

0:28:040:28:10

And at a panda sanctuary in southern China, one of the keepers is

0:28:140:28:17

informed that the gift shop has run out of backpacks.

0:28:170:28:20

Good night.

0:28:240:28:26

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:480:28:51

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0:28:510:28:54

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