Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains very strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Miranda Hart.

In the news this week, for the first time in his life, Boris Johnson doesn't have to lie to his wife

about why he's come home all hot and sweaty.

There's a surprise in Downing Street as a member of the public

delivers a piece of Nick Clegg's missing backbone.

In Switzerland, Dignitas launches a new service for its clients' pets.

On Paul Merton's team tonight is a comedian who says

he first realised he was famous when he was asked to sign someone's boobs.

I haven't washed them since!

Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Ian Hislop is a comedian and member of the sketch troop We Are Klang,

who rely heavily on slapstick and physical comedy to get their laughs.

There's no future in that.

Oh-ho!

Sorry. Will you please welcome Greg Davies?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

That's the way to do it.

No-one saw that coming. Marvellous.

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.

This is the Liberal Democrat MP, Mr Hancock and that's his Russian Aide.

-Possibly a spy.

-Yes.

-Ooh. Sexy boots.

Are they meant to be Sepp Blatter's boots?

We're looking forward to the World Cup bid, see how that goes.

Very exciting. That's Julian Assange.

Congratulations to Russia for successfully winning the World Cup in 2018 by 3-0 in the final.

This is a mixture of Russia and football and FIFA and the spy or potential spy.

She might have been studying a Liberal Democrat MP, trying to decide whose side he's on.

-Right, yes.

-He does seem a fairly weird choice.

-Does he?

If you were going to send a spy from Russia,

whether you would choose, immediately, a backbench Liberal Democrat MP

for all the hottest information seems...

Yeah, but they like to have sleep of people, don't they? People who sit around doing nothing for years.

-They've definitely found one.

-Exactly.

For some reason, Mr Hancock is a honeypot for young Russians.

-That's not his most flattering picture.

-No, that is. That's the best!

-Is it?

How could a spy get through the rigorous Commons vetting procedure for a researchers job?

There isn't any. If an MP gives you the job, you're in.

According to a Commons security spokesman...

No-one suspects Mike Hancock of being involved in espionage though, and why?

Because our lawyers have asked you to say that.

One MP told The Times...

A Euro MP who attended a hotel conference with Mike Hancock said...

A double mandate.

-Is that a sort of sex thing?

-SHE MOUTHS

If all this Wikileaks stuff had turned up office, what would you do as an editor of Private Eye?

Like all journalists, I've said, "Oh, Wikileaks, we all knew that already."

However, had someone given it to me, I'd have put it all in.

Risking, perhaps, a trumped-up charge somewhere and deported back to the United States,

where Sarah Palin wants this guy to be executed?

-Yeah.

-Because that'll stop the Internet, then, you see.

She said he should be hunted down with the same ferver with which we hunt down al-Qaeda's leaders,

which, of course, would horrify Mr Assange, as he'd have to live for nine years, undetected, in a cave.

Assange has been arrested in connection with alleged sexual assault.

But this is the unusual thing about it.

This case has already been dropped in Sweden two or three months ago.

Now it's been restarted by a completely different prosecution in a different part of the country.

-So it does look a bit odd.

-The timing is a bit fishy.

But then I think we're finding everything a bit curious at the moment.

I mean, the fact that there's a Lib Dem caught with a woman...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's been suggested that the row over the alleged spy is simply

retaliation for Russia beating our bid to host the World Cup.

There is nothing fishy about the World Cup bid at all.

One of the delegates said to Putin beforehand, "You must come see us in Moscow during the games."

-Before the vote.

-Newspapers were going on because, unfortunately,

the people who were casting the vote were lying.

They were saying, "Yes, we'll vote for you. Hee-hee-hee."

But they didn't do the "hee-hee-hee" bit out loud. If they did, we would have known.

Beckham might not have known. LAUGHTER

The time when we're slashing the money we're putting into sports

at schools, we spent £17 million on getting two votes.

And one of them was our bloke.

LAUGHTER

He'd have done it for nothing, he says afterwards.

Do you know why Beckham decided not to wear the same tie as Cameron and Prince William?

Cos he didn't go to Eton.

LAUGHTER

He said, "I didn't want to look like a bastard."

Sorry...sorry.

A BA steward, I'm so sorry.

LAUGHTER

Prince William gave his all in the pitch to FIFA, did you see it?

He included his best joke, and please listen out

for the response he got in the room.

I know that we can deliver extraordinary public occasions

and celebrations.

I certainly hope so, as I'm planning quite a big one myself next year.

RESTRAINED TITTER

And you know that was the bloke who wrote the joke, laughing there.

"Great, William! Loved it, loved the gag."

It sounds like someone's panicked and gone, "Oh, my goodness,

-"that's a joke."

-LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-That's what it sounds like.

-That wasn't that funny,

but when they said Britain had fantastic infrastructure...

that was the day when most of us had spent six hours trying to get on a train to anywhere...

only to be told, "No, trains don't go, we can't tell you why. Get lost."

A lot of your world views seem to be formed around the lateness of trains.

Yes, it's a complete obsession.

Getting back to FIFA...

At least it stops us having eight years of "are we going to win the World Cup?" business.

Stops us going through that nightmare.

The thing as well... Shall we just do the Olympics and see how we get on?

-See how we get on with that.

-Start with that.

And if it goes well, have the World Cup final immediately afterwards.

APPLAUSE

Why don't we hold them in 2011? We'd get a head start on everybody else then.

"400m? Sorry, mate, that was last year."

Qatar won it as well. That's good, cos they're a famous footballing nation.

Yes, it's true.

Qatar's been chosen for the 2022 World Cup, which is bad

for England fans, according to The Sun.

-Why?

-Does easyJet not go there?

-Women are covered up?

-Oh, you can't drink there!

-Can you arrive drunk?

-Yes.

You have to be drunk enough to stay pissed throughout the entire tournament.

So you've got to stock up on the plane.

Very precise. Same as what happened on the tubes after Boris banned drinking in London.

You had to know exactly how drunk to get before you set off.

Which is where the delays make it more difficult for people.

Is anyone struggling to locate Qatar on a map?

Because if you are, then ITV News At Ten offered this very handy explanation.

These are happy Qataris.

But what or where is it?

Remember, not "guitar",

certainly not "gutter" anymore,

it's Qatar, and it's here, next to Saudi Arabia.

LAUGHTER

What was that, on the ITV News?

-Yeah, News At Ten.

-How many people thought that the World Cup was going to be held on a guitar?!

Yeah, so this is the Russian Commons researcher who may be deported

from the UK on suspicion of spying.

Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock has been associated

with a string of attractive Eastern European women,

but told the Daily Mail:

I'm sure you haven't, but have you had sex with them? That's the question.

APPLAUSE

Speaking from Russia, Miss Zatuliveter's father accused the British of having:

No, don't worry, we've all moved on from that,

you World Cup-stealing bastards.

The decision to award the World Cup in 2018 to Russia

was a bitter blow to England's bid team,

especially Prince William who will now have nothing to cheer him up in the year of his divorce.

LAUGHTER

Right, Ian and Gregg, here's yours.

-Charles Kennedy.

-In the rain.

Menzies.

Um, Nick Clegg shaking hands with a few people. They look keen.

Oh, they look violent.

And so does he!

Philip Green.

And that's a very sophisticated poster. Oh, they're being dragged

out of Top Shop.

You have to drag me IN.

LAUGHTER

This is the vote that we don't know the result of. It's the Lib Dems.

-Yes.

-And some of them are not going to vote with their government.

Two former leaders are not going to vote

with the man who took their job.

-There's a surprise.

-Yes. This is the country's students fomenting unrest on the streets.

One protester decided to interrupt the Turner Prize ceremony at Tate Britain.

GREG: Ironically, she came second.

Yes, the students had an effect. The Lib Dems were jolly worried,

but now they've decided they'd look more ridiculous if they didn't vote for their own proposal

than if they voted against their own proposal.

It's quite a fine balance, but they've gone for the slightly less ridiculous option.

The Times had some advice for the Lib Dems in it's leader column on Tuesday.

Although they have managed to pull off both, which is tremendous.

What's happened to the Lib Dems? It's tragic.

Just a few short months ago, they were the Tim Henman of British politics.

No-one really cared if they won.

It wasn't important, we just like cheering for them.

And now it's... Oh, dear God!

-It's the most fantastic mess.

-It is.

-It's why the students are stroppy.

Apart from being hit over the head with batons.

Well, that will make a student stroppy, particularly if it's during Cash In The Attic.

LAUGHTER

Now that it's settled that students have to pay for their own tuition,

can't we give them the option of HOW they can pay for it?

When I was at university, at least two of my lecturers were alcoholics -

they'd have taught me for a van load of duty free.

There was one particularly predatory homosexual who'd have done it for free, to be honest.

If only the government had consulted you with their proposals.

The whole issue could have been resolved so easily.

There were some familiar Westminster names back in the news this week.

David Chaytor, do you remember him? He admitted

falsifying his expenses by naming his daughter as his landlady,

which enabled him to claim rent for a flat he already owned.

He also claimed for renting his mother's house despite never paying her any rent at all

after submitting documentation supposedly signed by her, but she was in a home with Alzheimer's.

Nice bloke.

There's a line where you stop being angry and think, "You're so cunning. You deserve to get away with that."

His lawyers are arguing for a lenient sentence because of...

Yeah, I'm not sure you'd get off murder trials by

"Oh, I've lost... Yeah, lost my train of thought."

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Train of thought delayed by six hours.

APPLAUSE

At least you had the common decency to inform us that your train was delayed.

My train of thought's now so expensive I can't even get on it.

-And you saw Top Shop earlier.

-Yes.

A group of protesters have been making trouble for Sir Philip Green,

suggesting he doesn't pay the amount of tax he should pay

because the government employed Sir Philip Green, amusingly,

as an advisor on waste.

And the obvious answer is it'd be less wasteful if you paid some tax.

-His wife is based in Monaco.

-Yes.

So he says, "I do pay my taxes. It's just she doesn't."

-All the money goes through her.

-Yes.

-Literally.

And we mustn't forget the weather this week.

You've mentioned the snow causing havoc.

A lot of trouble on the trains.

Here's a recording of a woman who rang the police.

-'Hello, I need the police, please.

-OK, what's happening?

'What happened was, there's been a theft from outside my house.

'I went out five minutes ago to have a fag and he's gone.

-'Who's gone, sorry?

-My snowman.'

LAUGHTER

'What do you mean? A snowman made out of snow or an ornament?

'No, he's made out of snow. I made him myself.' LAUGHTER

'He had teaspoons as arms and money on his face. I'm not being funny.

'I know it's only a snowman. I thought he'd be fine, with it being icy,

'people ain't been walking up and down the road.

'It ain't a nice road, but at the end of the day, you don't expect someone to nick your snowman.'

That's tremendous.

The snowman had £2 coins for eyes, apparently,

so that was the suggestion for the motivation for the crime.

-And a teaspoon for ears or something.

-That was for its arms,

but if you were going to steal £2 coins, you don't need to take the entire snowman.

You'd just leave the snowman blind, would you?

-That's a bit heartless.

-I would actually suggest, Paul, that the snowman wasn't stolen,

it took its own life, because it had teaspoons for arms.

Is it much more likely that the snowman just flew off to the North Pole?

-You got that from that Aled Jones documentary you watched, didn't you?

-Oh, yes, so I did.

This is the controversial vote on raising tuition fees -

the Lib Dems have tried to limit the damage. According to the Telegraph...

..which took him nearly half an hour.

In an interview with Esquire Magazine,

Nick Clegg revealed that he recently had dog faeces shoved through his letterbox -

isn't it marvellous what you can order on Amazon these days?

Or what you can train a dog to do.

And so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-Oh, that was quick.

-This is the panda story.

-Yes.

-You are right.

What they've done in China is there's this rehabilitation centre...

Well, I say rehabilitation centre, it's not for pissed pandas,

but to try and reintroduce pandas into the wild

and they don't want the young pandas to see too many humans cos it makes their wildness diminish,

so they've dressed up in those fantastically-convincing panda outfits

to trick the baby pandas.

Here's a keeper dressed up as the cub's mum.

Walking about like normal pandas do on two legs(!)

It's a bit of a high-risk strategy - what if a panda sees its parent ripping its own head off...

to reveal a human head underneath?

Well, he'll just spend the rest of its time trying to get its own head off...

to reveal Eamonn Holmes!

Well, David Attenborough was interviewed in the Sun recently about panda sex.

-Do you know what he said?

-Overrated.

He says the penis of a giant male panda is...

Oh, well, no wonder they're not breeding if you get insults like that.

-You'd have no confidence, would you?

-But how would they compensate for the problem?

Strap-on.

LAUGHTER

-Sorry.

-He actually says...

Is that all it is - quarter of an inch? Hmm.

Can't work out if you're resentful or jealous.

Just...just empathising.

This story brought out the worst in the headline writers. Do you know what they went for?

Panda-monium.

The Sun went with...

The panda costume scheme may have to be abandoned after one keeper realised, due to an admin error,

he'd spent six months hand-rearing a midget in a baby panda suit.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL RINGS

-Is this the person in the House of Commons who used a line from this as a joke?

-No.

-That sounds a very interesting story.

-Yes.

-Shall I tell you?

-ALL: Yeah!

It's the revelation that speaking to foreigners with a foreign accent makes you easier to understand.

Oh, yes, I did read this. If you put on a stupid accent, it actually works.

When you say "stupid accent", are you referring to all accents that aren't English?

-I'm referring to the way you sound.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-If you put on a convincing accent...

-I see.

-..it doesn't have the same effect because you're not clear.

-Mmm.

You're stupid in that you're putting on an exaggerated French, Swedish, Belgian, Russian, Chinese accent,

-and speaking very loudly.

-And with one jump, he was free.

Who's the famous Englishman that has been picked out as an example of this?

Well, Blair does it, if he's talking to the builder.

"Come on in, mate, have a cuppa tea, lovely to see you."

LAUGHTER

What, he does Bruce Forsyth impressions?

"Good wall, good wall. Lovely wall, lovely wall."

GREG: I think I've adapted my laugh.

-When I'm in taxis.

-A sort of taxi driver laugh?

Sort of... MANLY CHUCKLE

Especially when they talk about football, cos I don't know anything about football.

So I just have to go, "Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha."

LAUGHTER

This story gave the Telegraph the chance to put together

a list of terrible accents in films. What made the list?

Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins would be number one.

-It usually is.

-Yes.

-Absolutely.

-"What's the matter, Mary Poppins?"

How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? But that's his own accent.

What about Sean Connery playing an Irishman in The Untouchables?

He has... He's not a big accents man, Connery.

To be honest.

Playing an English Secret Service agent was quite tough, wasn't it?

"That looks like a U-boat."

-Just practising it.

-That was Yorkshire.

-I just wanted to see if I could do his accent.

-I can't.

-You have to say words that have S's in,

and then do an S-H sound.

-Sho you shay shomeshing like thish.

-Oh, I shee.

Oh, it'sh quite eashy onshe you know how.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I once met Roger Moore.

I once met Roger Moore at an awards ceremony, a film ceremony thing,

and I'd never met him before, obviously seen him on television, The Saint, The Persuaders.

He came up to me, said the most bizarre thing. "I can hear BLEEP all in this ear."

LAUGHTER

First thing he said to me!

Also, the other one I like, David Attenborough said to me once,

"You make me pee myself with laughter." Pause.

Then there was a pause. "Mind you, I have got diabetes."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's true.

Right. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BUZZER

-Ah!

You know all about this.

There's James Naughtie on the Today programme, Radio 4,

who was referring to Jeremy...Hunt...

-MARCUS: Careful.

-Careful. Steady.

And then Andrew Marr, laughing about it later on, made exactly the same mistake again.

And then later on in the House of Commons on the same day,

an MP also used this word instead of the word "cuts".

So, er...

-It's true!

-I didn't hear that.

-"I hate these cuts".

LAUGHTER

But you have to be careful how you put words together.

Look at the BBC show Antiques Hunt.

-It's got to be plural! It can't be singular.

-No.

Because it becomes Antique Hunt.

I'm not saying...

-"Antique Hunt".

-You're just saying it how it is.

It really was the best Today programme I've listened to in quite a while.

Not so much the event itself, you know, it was a simple mistake

and you sort of think, "We mustn't be too childish about this."

But the way that Jim Naughtie tried to recover...

We must listen, because it is funny the 15th time,

let alone the first, if you haven't seen it. Here it is.

'What's happening in the course of the next hour?

'After the news, we're going to be talking to Jeremy Cunt...

'er, Hunt, the Culture Secretary.

-COUGHS

-About broadband.

-DEEP BREATH

-It's eight o'clock on Monday the 6th of December.

-STRANGLED VOICE:

-American officials have condemned Wikileaks

after the website published a list of hundreds of facilities said to be vital for American security.

-PAUSE

-Every community in Britain...

-STRANGLED VOICE:

-..has been promised it'll have access to the fastest...broadband...

-networks within five years.

-COUGHS

Excuse me. And Egypt has called in international shark experts

-to investigate a series of attacks...

-COUGHS

..in the Red Sea. Pardon me. Coughing fit.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

-PAUL:

-Massive cuts at the BBC!

LAUGHTER

My understanding is it's the most times that

that word's been used at the BBC

since Noel Edmonds got stuck in a revolving door.

LAUGHTER

What was wrong with most of the headlines about this story?

They were worried whether it was a Spoonerism or a Freudian slip.

That seemed to exercise everyone.

Cos that would make him the Hulture Secretary.

-Yeah.

-Which I don't think anyone really thought.

-No, it's not a Spoonerism, is it?

-It was a Freudian slip.

Reverend Spooner: "Please glaze your arses for the queer old dean."

That was one of his.

The problem was the hilarious potential of Naughtie's surname,

without considering the pronunciation. So the Mirror had:

The Express had:

The Mail had:

It just doesn't work.

Surprisingly, the Sun came up trumps with the quite brilliant, wait for it:

LAUGHTER

It is one of those names that must've been pronounced NAUGHTY at one point then generations ago,

it's, "Oh no, it's NAUGHTIE".

Like people with SIDEBOTTOM say CITYBOTHAM. It's one of those.

Yeah. Thank you.

-I feel like I was in Dictionary Corner then.

-It was good!

We've come up with a four-letter word, funnily enough!

See you next Tuesday!

This is BBC Radio 4's Today programme, presenter James Naughtie

and the trouble he had introducing Culture Secretary Jeremy H-unt!

It's the most hilarious introduction to a politician on Radio 4 since Nick Clegg - Deputy Prime Minister.

Naughtie apologised for the slip blaming the incident on...

Just as well he wasn't interviewing backbencher Alan Fothermucker.

Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features as its

guest publication, The UK Roundabout Appreciation Society Newsletter.

An excellent magazine and this month

it comes with it's own pull-out unexpectedly section!

Ha-ha!

And we start with...

-What?

Declares love of squares.

LAUGHTER

This is a report on a highly contentious issue, entitled...

Next...

What?

A doddle cos I live at 73.

APPLAUSE

Straight through the cat-flap.

-Dangerous - you should pull into the slow lane.

-Yeah.

I think it's something like, it's wonderful if you can remember it.

Pretty much spot on...

Yes. Next...

A vortex that sucked in anything picturesque and all sense of hope.

APPLAUSE

It's actually...

This is the 1960s planning meeting that saw the creation of Telford's roundabouts.

At the same meeting someone also spilt their tea,

which is why Telford has a lovely artificial lake and thanks to the all the smokers, 18 crematoriums.

And finally...

Out of ten, how lonely would you describe...

LAUGHTER ..your existence as being?

If roundabouts didn't exist, what would you spot?

-I like it.

-I do as well.

It wouldn't be trains, cos there aren't any.

MOUTHS: Nothing.

The answer is...

For those of you who aren't regular readers, you may have missed this in the latest quarterly newsletter...

She's left him. Why?! Why?!

So, the final scores are...

Ian and Greg have three,

-and Paul and Marcus have seven.

-Seven? Well done.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

I leave you with news that after an informal wedding rehearsal at

Westminster Abbey, Wills and Kate head back to the Palace...

In a bid to appeal to the youth of today, Pope Benedict XVI base jumps from the balcony of St Peter's...

And at a panda sanctuary in southern China, one of the keepers is

informed that the gift shop has run out of backpacks.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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