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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
I'm Lee Mack. In the news this week, in Downing Street, Samantha Cameron | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
tries not to panic as she realises her husband has overdone the Botox. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
In the Midlands, as temperatures plummet and the country grinds | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
to a standstill, the emergency services leap into action. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
Outside a surgery in London, a Strictly Come Dancing researcher | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
awaits treatment after catching a glimpse of a naked Ann Widdecombe. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
On Ian Hislop's team is a Geordie comedian who has been described | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
as the Bridget Jones of comedy - though, of course, without the big white knickers. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:23 | |
She's from Newcastle - she's doesn't wear knickers. Please welcome Sarah Millican. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:27 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:27 | 0:01:31 | |
And with Paul Merton tonight is a left-wing politician who recently | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
said the coalition spending cuts were beyond Margaret Thatcher's wildest dreams. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:40 | |
Dreams which co-incidentally regularly featured his head on a spike. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:44 | |
Please welcome Ken Livingstone. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
And we start with the biggest stories of the week. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Paul and Ken, take a look at this. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
-Yes, thank you for the clue. A big eagle. -A leak. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Yes. Lots of people. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
-They can't stand each other, we now know. He's mad. -Yes. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:05 | |
He's angry. He's bent, did you say? | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
All those arms deals. And these two. No, none of them like each other. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
No, don't they? This is the old ambassador's chocolate advert. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
So there's been a lot of leaks where people have found out what people really think about each other. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Correct. And where, particularly, did they find these leaks? | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
On WikiLeaks. And the poor guy who has done it all is now desperately looking for somewhere safe to hide. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:27 | |
He's actually under here. "Hello, Julian." | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
Leave it, leave it. Leave it, Lee. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:38 | |
It's not BBC1, Saturday night. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
-Leave it, leave it. -There's almost nothing in this you didn't know. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
Everyone at the top hates everybody else. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
I was delighted, I finally got a mention. The American ambassador said I was too cosy | 0:02:45 | 0:02:50 | |
with dictators like Fidel Castro. Big news, you know? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:54 | |
And evidence that the US aren't always wrong. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
You called the US ambassador something as well. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
A chiselling little crook, because he wouldn't pay the congestion charge. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
-He wouldn't pay the what? -He wouldn't pay the congestion charge. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
-And once the Americans stopped, all the others stopped. -Exactly. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
They've got it all sewn up, these diplomats. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
You take the extreme example, diplomats occasionally rape someone, | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
they just get sent home, we can't arrest them. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
It's awful. No, not just the congestion charge. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
Ken, Ken, let's keep it light. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
Can you reduce it to a sexual assault? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:29 | |
I don't know if it's my slightly paranoid brain, having been bullied | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
as a child, but I'm waiting for my name to pop up and just for it to say, | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
"She didn't have any boobs at 16." | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
It's not that much ruder than everybody else, really. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
You read it and you think, "Well, I have occasionally closed the door on someone saying, 'Lovely evening. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:47 | |
'God, you're a bore!'" | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
To be fair, you've never closed the door at a dinner party and said, "I think you should attack Iran." | 0:03:49 | 0:03:54 | |
Or, actually, maybe you have! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
Why would you invite them to your party? | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
Who are they? We want to know. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
OK, Ahmadinejad, | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Kim Jong Il - he's a real bore and terrible at dinner - | 0:04:05 | 0:04:10 | |
and President Sarkozy, who is very rude. Oh, and Prince Andrew. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
But, I mean, that's just an average evening at my place. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
Prince Andrew was part of the leaks. What did we learn about Prince Andrew? | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
This was unbelievable! Prince Andrew, apparently, is very rude and stupid. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:27 | |
He said the bloody journalists constantly try and shove their noses | 0:04:27 | 0:04:33 | |
into business that doesn't concern them. Like major corruption deals! | 0:04:33 | 0:04:38 | |
He referred to them as: | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
That's the highest praise from a member of the royal family. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
The Guardian had a theory about the reason for Andrew's behaviour, do we know what that was? | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
He's a dick? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
They said it was: | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
That's one way of putting it. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
One senior diplomat leapt to Andrew's defence. He said: | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
That counts as diplomacy! | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Isn't the Iranian thing slightly reassuring, that everybody does hate them after all? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:23 | |
Most of the local Arab governments that hate the Iranians aren't pretty much fun either, frankly. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:30 | |
Are you saying the Saudis are not an open and loving...? | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
You will recall I said I look forward to the day I saw the Saudi royal family swinging from the lamppost. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:38 | |
Ghastly bunk of crooks, they are. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
Always been a moderate, haven't you, Ken? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
I say it again, Ken, keep it light! | 0:05:43 | 0:05:47 | |
How did Prince Hassan of Jordan describe the leaks? | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
An incredible torrent of beauty. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
No, he said: | 0:05:54 | 0:05:55 | |
No, he did. Either he misheard it or that's the first example I've heard | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
of a Jordanian joke. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
No, I like the really shocking ones like Andrew. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
And Berlusconi, apparently, is sex mad! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:09 | |
Who'd have known?! He certainly kept that pretty quiet! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:13 | |
-He's under here as well. -Is he?! | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
They actually said about Berlusconi, he was: | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
Although Berlusconi released a statement saying: | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
And after dinner we have a game of bunga-bunga. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:39 | |
Barack Obama, what did he say about David Cameron? | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
-Lightweight. -Right. The Americans came out officially and said: | 0:06:41 | 0:06:45 | |
VERY lightweight. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
-Who else have we learned about this week? -The Koreans. -Yes. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
How was he described, Kim Jong Il? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
-Ronery? -What?! | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
No, flabby. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Flabby old chap, quite a good drinker, who prances around stadiums seeking adulation. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:10 | |
That sounds like a compliment, doesn't it, "Quite a good drinker"? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
We'd take that as a compliment, wouldn't we? | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
You'd take flabby as a compliment in Newcastle, wouldn't you? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
This is the WikiLeaks scandal, which has been described as: | 0:07:18 | 0:07:22 | |
So, with WikiLeaks clearly to blame, prepare for the US invasion of Wikipedia. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:29 | |
One of the leaks described an unnamed Labour Minister | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
as a manic depressive with an eye for the ladies. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
That's what happens when men get to a certain age. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
The source of the leak is said to be Private Bradley Manning. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:45 | |
According to the Times, Manning boasted online of how he downloaded the secret files... | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
If only you'd have left it at that, son, the whole world would have been behind you. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
Ian and Sarah, what's all this about? | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
Students being kettled. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:01 | |
Oh, and that's Vince playing hopscotch. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
That's Ed Miliband meeting the public. Keep that hat on. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Ann Widdecombe, yeah. Getting ready for Strictly. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:12 | |
Oh, abandoning. Fair enough. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Oh, blimey. He's just seen Ann Widdecombe. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
And he's just hired Ann Widdecombe. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
I don't know why he's in the news. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:24 | |
I know the student bit. Is that they've been protesting again? | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
-They have. What about? -Student fees. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
What has Vince Cable announced? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
He's announced the policy of putting up student fees but he's not necessarily going to vote for it. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
He says he agrees with it, but that doesn't mean he's going to vote for it. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:41 | |
-Which is quite weird. -And who won't care too much about whether tuition fees have gone up any more? | 0:08:41 | 0:08:47 | |
People in their 30s? | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Or old age pensioners, as you call them in Newcastle. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
-Wales. -Wales. -The Welsh, yes. -Yeah, it was Wales. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
The Welsh Assembly announced that Welsh students would not have to pay the increase in fees. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
People are very annoyed. Only English people will be | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
paying these very heavy tuition fees. So they got very excited. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:09 | |
And some of them got excited enough to go to London and be hit on the head with batons. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:14 | |
Well, yeah, because normally when you think of students you think of lazy, don't you? | 0:09:14 | 0:09:20 | |
And now you can't because some of them are missing, like, whole days of telly. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
I'm assuming they've all got Sky Plus and that's why they feel free to protest. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:30 | |
What I thought was I like the fact now that people are also bringing | 0:09:30 | 0:09:34 | |
a sense of humour to the slogans and, like, placards. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
And one placard at the demonstration simply said "Political slogan", | 0:09:36 | 0:09:40 | |
-which I quite liked. -That's nice. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:44 | |
Do you think that was from a template that they were supposed to have changed? | 0:09:44 | 0:09:49 | |
A student was interviewed and said: | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
According to George Osborne, what's the good news on the economic front this week? | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
Eh... We're all in it together. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
It's not got worse than we thought it would be. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
Oh, you're such a ray of sunshine! | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Come on. It's bleeding awful out there. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
Does the phrase lighten... ? | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
We've been doing the cuts, we've been doing WikiLeaks. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
When are we getting on to the saucy jokes? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
Saucy jokes? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
Have you got saucy jokes lined up? Forget all this rubbish. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
Let's go for that angle, then. What did George Osborne say this week about two nuns in a bath? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:40 | |
-He enjoyed them immensely. -And any other Conservatives shown their caring side this week? | 0:10:41 | 0:10:45 | |
Howard Flight, was it? | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
The newly-created Tory peer said the tax and benefit system: | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
How many people sit there as they're about to have sex, thinking about those things? | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
Me. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
I've got a pocket calculator going. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
I know a lot of Tory MPs who, when they're going to have sex, think about the financial implications. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:11 | |
And what's David Cameron been up to this week? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
World Cup bid, which, as we speak now, the nation is jumping up and down with glee. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:22 | |
But we just don't know which nation it is. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
We're recording before we know the result of the World Cup bid. We have to keep our options open. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:30 | |
But what chance did we have with those cheating foreign bastards, anyway? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:34 | |
It was quite... I found it quite odd that they took Beckham. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:38 | |
I know he's obviously a brilliant footballer etc, but he's not good with words, is he? | 0:11:38 | 0:11:44 | |
Was he just doing, like, keepy-ups in the background | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
while the other two did the talking? There was a clip on the radio that I heard where he said, | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
"Football's very important to our country and it's in our dinner... Ooh - DNA." | 0:11:52 | 0:11:57 | |
He genuinely said that. Like he'd seen it written down | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
and he'd heard it, but he'd not put the two together. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
What's David Cameron been in trouble with the PC lobby this week? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:08 | |
He recounted a joke someone else had made about the Speaker, John Bercow. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
Correct. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
The joke was that some Tory MP had banged into John Bercow's car. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Bercow had said, "I'm not happy." | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
And then the MP had said "Well, which dwarf ARE you?" | 0:12:19 | 0:12:23 | |
Whilst the Government are upsetting the poor and the tiny, what's Ed Miliband been up to? | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
He's got a blank sheet. He was asked what his policies are, and he said, "We're starting again." | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
It's the new Labour policy. "Got any ideas? I haven't." | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
What else has Ed announced this week? Got a new catchphrase. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
I can't believe it's not Labour. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:48 | |
Oh, no! | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Was that the catchphrase? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
-That's a good catchphrase. -It's actually "Beyond New Labour." | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
He was compared to Buzz Lightyear because of this. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
There was a hilarious put-down by Tory MP, Gavin Barwell. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Oh, those Tory MPs! | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
Ed is actually consulting with the people on Labour's new direction. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
He's set up a discussion group on Twitter. Would you like to see what people have tweeted? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:24 | |
-Yes. Very, very much, please. -Rosycottage says: | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
Nataliewh: | 0:13:34 | 0:13:35 | |
And peregr1n: | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
Why does an earthworm need to be sharpened? | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
In case you forgot your darts. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
In case you forgot your darts, you sharpen an earthworm?! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
What else are you going to sharpen to throw in the dartboard? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
An earthworm would be one of my least favourite choices. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
Yes, this is another week of political upheaval. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:04 | |
Ed Miliband has distanced himself from the New Labour years, proudly declaring: | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
Blimey. So, that's just him, Ken and North Korea left, then. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
It was a disappointing week for former spin doctor Alastair Campbell, who narrowly missed out | 0:14:13 | 0:14:18 | |
on a Bad Sex Award. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:19 | |
The annual prize given to authors who write bad sex scenes. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
And Campbell's normally really good at sexing up documents. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
The winner was Rowan Somerville who impressed the judges with lines such as: | 0:14:25 | 0:14:31 | |
They should have gone for the Blair stuff. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
That was the most excruciating sex I've ever s... read about. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
You nearly said "saw"! | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
Through the windows at Number Ten, up the top of a ladder, in the bedroom, with the glasses. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
Peter Stringfellow offered to repay his winter fuel allowance this week. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:55 | |
The first George Osborne knew about it was when he felt a wrinkled hand | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
shoving 400 quid down the front of his thong. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:06 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
Here's the first one. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
BUZZER | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
This is the man who's got all these millions of pounds' worth of paintings, Picasso's paintings, | 0:15:15 | 0:15:19 | |
which were bequeathed to him by Picasso in exchange for him fitting an electric blanket. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:25 | |
He's an electrician. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
The family of Picasso are claiming that maybe he didn't receive them as a gift. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:32 | |
The former electrician claims he was given the pictures by the artist in the 1970s, | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
That's quite ironic, isn't it? | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
He's done work for other artists. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
Apparently, he fitted a junction box to a zebra for Salvador Dali. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
So... | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
Someone else has shown a surprising aptitude for art this week. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
-Who was that? -Some sort of animal? | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
Yeah. Wayne Rooney. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
You're now expecting a really bad painting. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
Potato prints is what I'm expecting. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
This is his bowl of fruit. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
It's all right, isn't it? It's better than I could do, that. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:11 | |
I say he was good - he was actually drawing Gary Neville. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
Art critics have commented on the way that Wayne's painting manages to look at the fruit with fresh eyes. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:20 | |
Which is fair enough because he's probably never seen fruit before. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:25 | |
-Can anyone guess what the Sun's headlines was? -Yes, given time and a certain amount of drugs. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:30 | |
Not "Roonbrant"? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
No. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
I thought they should have gone with "Hay-Wayne". | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
-That's brilliant. -I wouldn't go that far, but thanks for patronising me. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
This is the French electrician, who's been accused of stealing | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
paintings worth £50 million, whilst doing some work at Picasso's house. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:52 | |
To be fair, if he really wanted to rob him of 50 million he could | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
have just billed him for a couple of extra sockets and an outside light. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
Picasso had the burglar alarm fitted after a spate of thefts. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
Police never caught the culprit, in spite of releasing an artist's impression. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
Here's the next one. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
Are those potatoes? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
You know that's not the answer to the question. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
Have I Got Vegetables For You? Is that what this is called? | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
It is some weeks. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
-I've no idea. Have you? -No. -We don't know, either. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
I thought everyone knew this. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
-I know it. -What is it? -I'll have a look. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
It's Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the last two months. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:38 | |
He's the executive director of the Washington Potato Commission. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:42 | |
His mission was to prove that: | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
Has anyone said it was the scourge of the Earth? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Chris had to skip the traditional Thanksgiving meal recently. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
What did he have instead? | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
Potatoes. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:55 | |
-Roast potato. -No. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
-Just potato. -It's a type of potato. -Baked? -No. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
-Mash? -Mash, but mashed what? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
-Potato. -Correct. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
In other food news, what was auctioned for £410 this week? | 0:18:08 | 0:18:13 | |
A boiled egg that was once eaten by Queen Victoria. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
-You can't have it both ways. -She did. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:21 | |
Shall I give you a clue? | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
Do you want me to mime it? | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
-Yeah. -Giant. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
-Tooth. -How do you eat your own teeth? | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
Times are hard. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
It rhymes with bustard cream. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
Custard Cream, then. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
A giant one. Or maybe it's normal sized, and two Borrowers eating it. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
A study claimed an estimated 25 million people in Britain had been injured by biscuits. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:49 | |
This is American Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the past two months. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
Voigt doubled the original length of his potato-only diet to 60 days because, as he said: | 0:19:14 | 0:19:20 | |
Unless it involves a promise and Nick Clegg. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
Time now for the odd one out round. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
The four are, Harrison Ford, ITV1's breakfast show, Daybreak, Stephen Fry and Sunday April 11th, 1954. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:37 | |
-I think that's the only date that nothing happened on. -Almost. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:42 | |
-It's the most what of the century? -Boring. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Correct. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Until today. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:48 | |
-Sorry. -I've had a lovely day. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Nothing at all happened in 1954 on that day? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
It's a computer programme, where they put in all the facts of what happened when, | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
and that's the day that's come up with the least things have happened. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
Right. After finding that every day of the last century had at least one major occurrence, | 0:20:02 | 0:20:07 | |
computer programmer William Tunstall-Pedoe | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
had calculated April 11th 1954 as the most boring day in the twentieth century. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
We've now established that that's boring. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
The Daybreak couple aren't exactly exhilarating. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
-Maybe they're boring as well. -Do you not like them? -I've not watched them. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:25 | |
I've not liked them enough to watch them. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
-Do you watch the other side? -No, it's morning, love. I don't do mornings. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:31 | |
-Stephen Fry is the odd one out cos he's clearly not boring. -No. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
He's been labelled boring as well. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
They have all been branded boring apart from ITV's Daybreak, which was described | 0:20:36 | 0:20:41 | |
in much more critical terms by its presenter Adrian Chiles this week. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
-He said it was a disaster. -According to the Sunday Mirror: | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
I'm not sure they've quite understood the essential feature of a four-letter word there. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
-Did he do it on the actual show, though? -No. He didn't get 7:00am Tourette's. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:05 | |
"Welcome to A Crock of Shite." | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
He actually told the Guardian: | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Maybe he should read Heat magazine instead. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
Chiles isn't the only presenter having trouble this week. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
Let's look at Charlie Stayt on BBC Breakfast. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
More than two million people have put money into Irish banks... FARTS | 0:21:46 | 0:21:53 | |
-He could have got away with that, had she not given him a look. -Again! -I'd like to see that again. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:59 | |
More than two million people have put money... FARTS | 0:21:59 | 0:22:03 | |
It's a buzzer, isn't it? | 0:22:06 | 0:22:07 | |
It sounds like a buzzer. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
-RINGS -Not that buzzer. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
Is that the noise you make?! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
Harrison Ford, the Indiana Jones star, was recently described as | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
boring by one of the UK's most feared and respected film critics. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:23 | |
-Oh, sorry. No. Claudia Winkleman. -Which film did she think was boring? | 0:22:23 | 0:22:28 | |
She said that HE was boring. She told the Mirror: | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
That's because Indiana Jones is a character. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
Film critic Claudia Winkleman recently described movie star | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
Harrison Ford as "a little bit boring." | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
Well, I certainly yawned my way through Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Blade Runner, | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
and yet Strictly Come Dancing - It Takes Two has me on the edge of my seat. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:54 | |
Stephen Fry famously quit Twitter last year, after a fellow tweeter said he admired and adored Mr Fry, | 0:22:54 | 0:23:01 | |
but added that he found his tweets: | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
Going back to the date, as well. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
There are a couple of things that did happen. Anyone hazard a guess? | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
Yes, Mrs Lillian Morris of 23 Shepton Way, Shepton Mallet, turned into a horse. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:18 | |
In front of her startled husband, who was expecting something smaller. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:25 | |
You're close. It was: | 0:23:25 | 0:23:26 | |
Some may say that April 11 1954 was a boring day. But I know different. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:37 | |
I happen to know that on that it was that day that an eight-year-old Ken Livingstone | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
acquired his first newt. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
It was three years later. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
I think you'll find that's a mi-newt detail. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
Is that true, Ken? | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
It was a male smooth newt and it was 1957. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
Everyone remembers their first newt, just like their first sex, you know. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:03 | |
-Don't you? -Did the two things coincide, in your case? | 0:24:03 | 0:24:07 | |
Time now for the missing words round, which this week features, | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
as its guest publication, Mollusc World. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
It's an OK magazine, but not really worth shelling out for. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
GROANS | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
We start with: | 0:24:19 | 0:24:20 | |
The cost of their carbon emissions. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
Congestion charge, if Ken gets his way. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
It's only a matter of time until you're back. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
I'm counting down the days. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
17 months. It's going to be a long 17 months. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
-Are you going to be in before the Olympics or after? -Ten weeks before. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:40 | |
If you get in, are you going to keep the Olympics? | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
-Did I get it right? -No, you didn't. You weren't even close. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
But it was a good way of getting across your manifesto. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
This is Angela Duran from Galicia in Spain, who has registered a claim to own the sun, | 0:24:56 | 0:25:01 | |
so she can charge everyone on Earth for using it. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
Lawyers say technically she can buy the sun, as long as she's resident there for three years first. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:09 | |
Next: | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
-Seduced. -Frightened. -Deceived. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
Attacked. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:19 | |
-Deceived by goats? -Outwitted? | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
-Rumbled by goats? -What? | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
They found out she wasn't a goat? | 0:25:27 | 0:25:28 | |
There's one here with a crown on, lads. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
The answer is: | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
During a state visit to Oman, two goats bowed their heads to the Queen. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:39 | |
According to BBC News: | 0:25:39 | 0:25:40 | |
In what Prince Phillip calls Operation Towel Head. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:49 | |
Next: | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
Or are you just going to clam up? | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
-Are you going to be that shellfish? -That's the answer. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
-Is it? -It is the answer, yes. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:08 | |
It's a bit of an old joke. The correct answer is because under the coalition Government, | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
oysters, like everyone else, don't have enough disposable income to give to charity. Finally: | 0:26:17 | 0:26:22 | |
Death to the Chuckle Brothers. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
What you said in the Guardian the other day, that reality is the enemy of comedy. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:34 | |
What did you mean by that? | 0:26:34 | 0:26:35 | |
I say there's too much realism in comedy. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
Like the Office and stuff. It's good, but too many have copied it. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:41 | |
There's nothing realistic about two nuns in a bath. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
You've led a sheltered life. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
Is that when you first spotted the newts? | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
A shrine for the Chuckle Brothers. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
This is 39-year-old Shaun Hope. According to the Sun: | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
Making him the only man on the planet who's actually | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
more disturbing than the Chuckle Brothers themselves. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
So, the final stores are, Ian and Sarah have six, Paul and Ken have seven. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
Before we go... | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
Ken looks incredibly happy there. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
That's a win, Ken. Do you remember that feeling? | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
Yes. You voted for the other bugger, you sod. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
If it keeps you unhappy, yes. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. Paul and Ken get this. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:42 | |
Triplets question mixed parentage. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
Ian and Sarah have that. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
Every one a winner. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
And I leave you with news that in a bid to kick-start | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
his career, Jim Davidson does a night at the Delhi Empire. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
On her first visit to his Hampstead home, there's a shock for Katy Perry | 0:28:05 | 0:28:10 | |
when Russell brand forgets to clear out the fridge. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
And, after a tense EU summit meeting, the Irish Finance Minister offers to pay for dinner. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
Goodnight. | 0:28:26 | 0:28:27 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:47 | 0:28:49 |