The popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Lee Mack and guest panelists Ken Livingstone and Sarah Millican.
Browse content similar to Episode 8. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Lee Mack. In the news this week, in Downing Street, Samantha Cameron
tries not to panic as she realises her husband has overdone the Botox.
In the Midlands, as temperatures plummet and the country grinds
to a standstill, the emergency services leap into action.
Outside a surgery in London, a Strictly Come Dancing researcher
awaits treatment after catching a glimpse of a naked Ann Widdecombe.
On Ian Hislop's team is a Geordie comedian who has been described
as the Bridget Jones of comedy - though, of course, without the big white knickers.
She's from Newcastle - she's doesn't wear knickers. Please welcome Sarah Millican.
And with Paul Merton tonight is a left-wing politician who recently
said the coalition spending cuts were beyond Margaret Thatcher's wildest dreams.
Dreams which co-incidentally regularly featured his head on a spike.
Please welcome Ken Livingstone.
And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
Paul and Ken, take a look at this.
-Yes, thank you for the clue. A big eagle.
Yes. Lots of people.
-They can't stand each other, we now know. He's mad.
He's angry. He's bent, did you say?
All those arms deals. And these two. No, none of them like each other.
No, don't they? This is the old ambassador's chocolate advert.
So there's been a lot of leaks where people have found out what people really think about each other.
Correct. And where, particularly, did they find these leaks?
On WikiLeaks. And the poor guy who has done it all is now desperately looking for somewhere safe to hide.
He's actually under here. "Hello, Julian."
Leave it, leave it. Leave it, Lee.
It's not BBC1, Saturday night.
-Leave it, leave it.
-There's almost nothing in this you didn't know.
Everyone at the top hates everybody else.
I was delighted, I finally got a mention. The American ambassador said I was too cosy
with dictators like Fidel Castro. Big news, you know?
And evidence that the US aren't always wrong.
You called the US ambassador something as well.
A chiselling little crook, because he wouldn't pay the congestion charge.
-He wouldn't pay the what?
-He wouldn't pay the congestion charge.
-And once the Americans stopped, all the others stopped.
They've got it all sewn up, these diplomats.
You take the extreme example, diplomats occasionally rape someone,
they just get sent home, we can't arrest them.
It's awful. No, not just the congestion charge.
Ken, Ken, let's keep it light.
Can you reduce it to a sexual assault?
I don't know if it's my slightly paranoid brain, having been bullied
as a child, but I'm waiting for my name to pop up and just for it to say,
"She didn't have any boobs at 16."
It's not that much ruder than everybody else, really.
You read it and you think, "Well, I have occasionally closed the door on someone saying, 'Lovely evening.
'God, you're a bore!'"
To be fair, you've never closed the door at a dinner party and said, "I think you should attack Iran."
Or, actually, maybe you have!
Why would you invite them to your party?
Who are they? We want to know.
Kim Jong Il - he's a real bore and terrible at dinner -
and President Sarkozy, who is very rude. Oh, and Prince Andrew.
But, I mean, that's just an average evening at my place.
Prince Andrew was part of the leaks. What did we learn about Prince Andrew?
This was unbelievable! Prince Andrew, apparently, is very rude and stupid.
He said the bloody journalists constantly try and shove their noses
into business that doesn't concern them. Like major corruption deals!
He referred to them as:
That's the highest praise from a member of the royal family.
The Guardian had a theory about the reason for Andrew's behaviour, do we know what that was?
He's a dick?
They said it was:
That's one way of putting it.
One senior diplomat leapt to Andrew's defence. He said:
That counts as diplomacy!
Isn't the Iranian thing slightly reassuring, that everybody does hate them after all?
Most of the local Arab governments that hate the Iranians aren't pretty much fun either, frankly.
Are you saying the Saudis are not an open and loving...?
You will recall I said I look forward to the day I saw the Saudi royal family swinging from the lamppost.
Ghastly bunk of crooks, they are.
Always been a moderate, haven't you, Ken?
I say it again, Ken, keep it light!
How did Prince Hassan of Jordan describe the leaks?
An incredible torrent of beauty.
No, he said:
No, he did. Either he misheard it or that's the first example I've heard
of a Jordanian joke.
No, I like the really shocking ones like Andrew.
And Berlusconi, apparently, is sex mad!
Who'd have known?! He certainly kept that pretty quiet!
-He's under here as well.
They actually said about Berlusconi, he was:
Although Berlusconi released a statement saying:
And after dinner we have a game of bunga-bunga.
Barack Obama, what did he say about David Cameron?
-Right. The Americans came out officially and said:
-Who else have we learned about this week?
How was he described, Kim Jong Il?
Flabby old chap, quite a good drinker, who prances around stadiums seeking adulation.
That sounds like a compliment, doesn't it, "Quite a good drinker"?
We'd take that as a compliment, wouldn't we?
You'd take flabby as a compliment in Newcastle, wouldn't you?
This is the WikiLeaks scandal, which has been described as:
So, with WikiLeaks clearly to blame, prepare for the US invasion of Wikipedia.
One of the leaks described an unnamed Labour Minister
as a manic depressive with an eye for the ladies.
That's what happens when men get to a certain age.
The source of the leak is said to be Private Bradley Manning.
According to the Times, Manning boasted online of how he downloaded the secret files...
If only you'd have left it at that, son, the whole world would have been behind you.
Ian and Sarah, what's all this about?
Students being kettled.
Oh, and that's Vince playing hopscotch.
That's Ed Miliband meeting the public. Keep that hat on.
Ann Widdecombe, yeah. Getting ready for Strictly.
Oh, abandoning. Fair enough.
Oh, blimey. He's just seen Ann Widdecombe.
And he's just hired Ann Widdecombe.
I don't know why he's in the news.
I know the student bit. Is that they've been protesting again?
-They have. What about?
What has Vince Cable announced?
He's announced the policy of putting up student fees but he's not necessarily going to vote for it.
He says he agrees with it, but that doesn't mean he's going to vote for it.
-Which is quite weird.
-And who won't care too much about whether tuition fees have gone up any more?
People in their 30s?
Or old age pensioners, as you call them in Newcastle.
-The Welsh, yes.
-Yeah, it was Wales.
The Welsh Assembly announced that Welsh students would not have to pay the increase in fees.
People are very annoyed. Only English people will be
paying these very heavy tuition fees. So they got very excited.
And some of them got excited enough to go to London and be hit on the head with batons.
Well, yeah, because normally when you think of students you think of lazy, don't you?
And now you can't because some of them are missing, like, whole days of telly.
I'm assuming they've all got Sky Plus and that's why they feel free to protest.
What I thought was I like the fact now that people are also bringing
a sense of humour to the slogans and, like, placards.
And one placard at the demonstration simply said "Political slogan",
-which I quite liked.
Do you think that was from a template that they were supposed to have changed?
A student was interviewed and said:
According to George Osborne, what's the good news on the economic front this week?
Eh... We're all in it together.
It's not got worse than we thought it would be.
Oh, you're such a ray of sunshine!
Come on. It's bleeding awful out there.
Does the phrase lighten... ?
We've been doing the cuts, we've been doing WikiLeaks.
When are we getting on to the saucy jokes?
Have you got saucy jokes lined up? Forget all this rubbish.
Let's go for that angle, then. What did George Osborne say this week about two nuns in a bath?
-He enjoyed them immensely.
-And any other Conservatives shown their caring side this week?
Howard Flight, was it?
The newly-created Tory peer said the tax and benefit system:
How many people sit there as they're about to have sex, thinking about those things?
I've got a pocket calculator going.
I know a lot of Tory MPs who, when they're going to have sex, think about the financial implications.
And what's David Cameron been up to this week?
World Cup bid, which, as we speak now, the nation is jumping up and down with glee.
But we just don't know which nation it is.
We're recording before we know the result of the World Cup bid. We have to keep our options open.
But what chance did we have with those cheating foreign bastards, anyway?
It was quite... I found it quite odd that they took Beckham.
I know he's obviously a brilliant footballer etc, but he's not good with words, is he?
Was he just doing, like, keepy-ups in the background
while the other two did the talking? There was a clip on the radio that I heard where he said,
"Football's very important to our country and it's in our dinner... Ooh - DNA."
He genuinely said that. Like he'd seen it written down
and he'd heard it, but he'd not put the two together.
What's David Cameron been in trouble with the PC lobby this week?
He recounted a joke someone else had made about the Speaker, John Bercow.
The joke was that some Tory MP had banged into John Bercow's car.
Bercow had said, "I'm not happy."
And then the MP had said "Well, which dwarf ARE you?"
Whilst the Government are upsetting the poor and the tiny, what's Ed Miliband been up to?
He's got a blank sheet. He was asked what his policies are, and he said, "We're starting again."
It's the new Labour policy. "Got any ideas? I haven't."
What else has Ed announced this week? Got a new catchphrase.
I can't believe it's not Labour.
Was that the catchphrase?
-That's a good catchphrase.
-It's actually "Beyond New Labour."
He was compared to Buzz Lightyear because of this.
There was a hilarious put-down by Tory MP, Gavin Barwell.
Oh, those Tory MPs!
Ed is actually consulting with the people on Labour's new direction.
He's set up a discussion group on Twitter. Would you like to see what people have tweeted?
-Yes. Very, very much, please.
Why does an earthworm need to be sharpened?
In case you forgot your darts.
In case you forgot your darts, you sharpen an earthworm?!
What else are you going to sharpen to throw in the dartboard?
An earthworm would be one of my least favourite choices.
Yes, this is another week of political upheaval.
Ed Miliband has distanced himself from the New Labour years, proudly declaring:
Blimey. So, that's just him, Ken and North Korea left, then.
It was a disappointing week for former spin doctor Alastair Campbell, who narrowly missed out
on a Bad Sex Award.
The annual prize given to authors who write bad sex scenes.
And Campbell's normally really good at sexing up documents.
The winner was Rowan Somerville who impressed the judges with lines such as:
They should have gone for the Blair stuff.
That was the most excruciating sex I've ever s... read about.
You nearly said "saw"!
Through the windows at Number Ten, up the top of a ladder, in the bedroom, with the glasses.
Peter Stringfellow offered to repay his winter fuel allowance this week.
The first George Osborne knew about it was when he felt a wrinkled hand
shoving 400 quid down the front of his thong.
And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here's the first one.
This is the man who's got all these millions of pounds' worth of paintings, Picasso's paintings,
which were bequeathed to him by Picasso in exchange for him fitting an electric blanket.
He's an electrician.
The family of Picasso are claiming that maybe he didn't receive them as a gift.
The former electrician claims he was given the pictures by the artist in the 1970s,
That's quite ironic, isn't it?
He's done work for other artists.
Apparently, he fitted a junction box to a zebra for Salvador Dali.
Someone else has shown a surprising aptitude for art this week.
-Who was that?
-Some sort of animal?
Yeah. Wayne Rooney.
You're now expecting a really bad painting.
Potato prints is what I'm expecting.
This is his bowl of fruit.
It's all right, isn't it? It's better than I could do, that.
I say he was good - he was actually drawing Gary Neville.
Art critics have commented on the way that Wayne's painting manages to look at the fruit with fresh eyes.
Which is fair enough because he's probably never seen fruit before.
-Can anyone guess what the Sun's headlines was?
-Yes, given time and a certain amount of drugs.
I thought they should have gone with "Hay-Wayne".
-I wouldn't go that far, but thanks for patronising me.
This is the French electrician, who's been accused of stealing
paintings worth £50 million, whilst doing some work at Picasso's house.
To be fair, if he really wanted to rob him of 50 million he could
have just billed him for a couple of extra sockets and an outside light.
Picasso had the burglar alarm fitted after a spate of thefts.
Police never caught the culprit, in spite of releasing an artist's impression.
Here's the next one.
Are those potatoes?
You know that's not the answer to the question.
Have I Got Vegetables For You? Is that what this is called?
It is some weeks.
-I've no idea. Have you?
-We don't know, either.
I thought everyone knew this.
-I know it.
-What is it?
-I'll have a look.
It's Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the last two months.
He's the executive director of the Washington Potato Commission.
His mission was to prove that:
Has anyone said it was the scourge of the Earth?
Chris had to skip the traditional Thanksgiving meal recently.
What did he have instead?
-It's a type of potato.
-Mash, but mashed what?
In other food news, what was auctioned for £410 this week?
A boiled egg that was once eaten by Queen Victoria.
-You can't have it both ways.
Shall I give you a clue?
Do you want me to mime it?
-How do you eat your own teeth?
Times are hard.
It rhymes with bustard cream.
Custard Cream, then.
A giant one. Or maybe it's normal sized, and two Borrowers eating it.
A study claimed an estimated 25 million people in Britain had been injured by biscuits.
This is American Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the past two months.
Voigt doubled the original length of his potato-only diet to 60 days because, as he said:
Unless it involves a promise and Nick Clegg.
Time now for the odd one out round.
The four are, Harrison Ford, ITV1's breakfast show, Daybreak, Stephen Fry and Sunday April 11th, 1954.
-I think that's the only date that nothing happened on.
-It's the most what of the century?
-I've had a lovely day.
Nothing at all happened in 1954 on that day?
It's a computer programme, where they put in all the facts of what happened when,
and that's the day that's come up with the least things have happened.
Right. After finding that every day of the last century had at least one major occurrence,
computer programmer William Tunstall-Pedoe
had calculated April 11th 1954 as the most boring day in the twentieth century.
We've now established that that's boring.
The Daybreak couple aren't exactly exhilarating.
-Maybe they're boring as well.
-Do you not like them?
-I've not watched them.
I've not liked them enough to watch them.
-Do you watch the other side?
-No, it's morning, love. I don't do mornings.
-Stephen Fry is the odd one out cos he's clearly not boring.
He's been labelled boring as well.
They have all been branded boring apart from ITV's Daybreak, which was described
in much more critical terms by its presenter Adrian Chiles this week.
-He said it was a disaster.
-According to the Sunday Mirror:
I'm not sure they've quite understood the essential feature of a four-letter word there.
-Did he do it on the actual show, though?
-No. He didn't get 7:00am Tourette's.
"Welcome to A Crock of Shite."
He actually told the Guardian:
Maybe he should read Heat magazine instead.
Chiles isn't the only presenter having trouble this week.
Let's look at Charlie Stayt on BBC Breakfast.
More than two million people have put money into Irish banks... FARTS
-He could have got away with that, had she not given him a look.
-I'd like to see that again.
More than two million people have put money... FARTS
It's a buzzer, isn't it?
It sounds like a buzzer.
-Not that buzzer.
Is that the noise you make?!
Harrison Ford, the Indiana Jones star, was recently described as
boring by one of the UK's most feared and respected film critics.
-Oh, sorry. No. Claudia Winkleman.
-Which film did she think was boring?
She said that HE was boring. She told the Mirror:
That's because Indiana Jones is a character.
Film critic Claudia Winkleman recently described movie star
Harrison Ford as "a little bit boring."
Well, I certainly yawned my way through Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Blade Runner,
and yet Strictly Come Dancing - It Takes Two has me on the edge of my seat.
Stephen Fry famously quit Twitter last year, after a fellow tweeter said he admired and adored Mr Fry,
but added that he found his tweets:
Going back to the date, as well.
There are a couple of things that did happen. Anyone hazard a guess?
Yes, Mrs Lillian Morris of 23 Shepton Way, Shepton Mallet, turned into a horse.
In front of her startled husband, who was expecting something smaller.
You're close. It was:
Some may say that April 11 1954 was a boring day. But I know different.
I happen to know that on that it was that day that an eight-year-old Ken Livingstone
acquired his first newt.
It was three years later.
I think you'll find that's a mi-newt detail.
Is that true, Ken?
It was a male smooth newt and it was 1957.
Everyone remembers their first newt, just like their first sex, you know.
-Did the two things coincide, in your case?
Time now for the missing words round, which this week features,
as its guest publication, Mollusc World.
It's an OK magazine, but not really worth shelling out for.
We start with:
The cost of their carbon emissions.
Congestion charge, if Ken gets his way.
It's only a matter of time until you're back.
I'm counting down the days.
17 months. It's going to be a long 17 months.
-Are you going to be in before the Olympics or after?
-Ten weeks before.
If you get in, are you going to keep the Olympics?
-Did I get it right?
-No, you didn't. You weren't even close.
But it was a good way of getting across your manifesto.
This is Angela Duran from Galicia in Spain, who has registered a claim to own the sun,
so she can charge everyone on Earth for using it.
Lawyers say technically she can buy the sun, as long as she's resident there for three years first.
-Deceived by goats?
-Rumbled by goats?
They found out she wasn't a goat?
There's one here with a crown on, lads.
The answer is:
During a state visit to Oman, two goats bowed their heads to the Queen.
According to BBC News:
In what Prince Phillip calls Operation Towel Head.
Or are you just going to clam up?
-Are you going to be that shellfish?
-That's the answer.
-It is the answer, yes.
It's a bit of an old joke. The correct answer is because under the coalition Government,
oysters, like everyone else, don't have enough disposable income to give to charity. Finally:
Death to the Chuckle Brothers.
What you said in the Guardian the other day, that reality is the enemy of comedy.
What did you mean by that?
I say there's too much realism in comedy.
Like the Office and stuff. It's good, but too many have copied it.
There's nothing realistic about two nuns in a bath.
You've led a sheltered life.
Is that when you first spotted the newts?
A shrine for the Chuckle Brothers.
This is 39-year-old Shaun Hope. According to the Sun:
Making him the only man on the planet who's actually
more disturbing than the Chuckle Brothers themselves.
So, the final stores are, Ian and Sarah have six, Paul and Ken have seven.
Before we go...
Ken looks incredibly happy there.
That's a win, Ken. Do you remember that feeling?
Yes. You voted for the other bugger, you sod.
If it keeps you unhappy, yes.
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. Paul and Ken get this.
Triplets question mixed parentage.
Ian and Sarah have that.
Every one a winner.
And I leave you with news that in a bid to kick-start
his career, Jim Davidson does a night at the Delhi Empire.
On her first visit to his Hampstead home, there's a shock for Katy Perry
when Russell brand forgets to clear out the fridge.
And, after a tense EU summit meeting, the Irish Finance Minister offers to pay for dinner.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd