Episode 8 Have I Got News for You


Episode 8

The popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Lee Mack and guest panelists Ken Livingstone and Sarah Millican.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Lee Mack. In the news this week, in Downing Street, Samantha Cameron

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tries not to panic as she realises her husband has overdone the Botox.

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In the Midlands, as temperatures plummet and the country grinds

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to a standstill, the emergency services leap into action.

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Outside a surgery in London, a Strictly Come Dancing researcher

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awaits treatment after catching a glimpse of a naked Ann Widdecombe.

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On Ian Hislop's team is a Geordie comedian who has been described

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as the Bridget Jones of comedy - though, of course, without the big white knickers.

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She's from Newcastle - she's doesn't wear knickers. Please welcome Sarah Millican.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight is a left-wing politician who recently

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said the coalition spending cuts were beyond Margaret Thatcher's wildest dreams.

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Dreams which co-incidentally regularly featured his head on a spike.

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Please welcome Ken Livingstone.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Paul and Ken, take a look at this.

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-Yes, thank you for the clue. A big eagle.

-A leak.

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Yes. Lots of people.

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-They can't stand each other, we now know. He's mad.

-Yes.

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He's angry. He's bent, did you say?

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All those arms deals. And these two. No, none of them like each other.

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No, don't they? This is the old ambassador's chocolate advert.

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So there's been a lot of leaks where people have found out what people really think about each other.

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Correct. And where, particularly, did they find these leaks?

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On WikiLeaks. And the poor guy who has done it all is now desperately looking for somewhere safe to hide.

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He's actually under here. "Hello, Julian."

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Leave it, leave it. Leave it, Lee.

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It's not BBC1, Saturday night.

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-Leave it, leave it.

-There's almost nothing in this you didn't know.

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Everyone at the top hates everybody else.

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I was delighted, I finally got a mention. The American ambassador said I was too cosy

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with dictators like Fidel Castro. Big news, you know?

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And evidence that the US aren't always wrong.

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You called the US ambassador something as well.

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A chiselling little crook, because he wouldn't pay the congestion charge.

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-He wouldn't pay the what?

-He wouldn't pay the congestion charge.

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-And once the Americans stopped, all the others stopped.

-Exactly.

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They've got it all sewn up, these diplomats.

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You take the extreme example, diplomats occasionally rape someone,

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they just get sent home, we can't arrest them.

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It's awful. No, not just the congestion charge.

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Ken, Ken, let's keep it light.

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Can you reduce it to a sexual assault?

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I don't know if it's my slightly paranoid brain, having been bullied

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as a child, but I'm waiting for my name to pop up and just for it to say,

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"She didn't have any boobs at 16."

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It's not that much ruder than everybody else, really.

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You read it and you think, "Well, I have occasionally closed the door on someone saying, 'Lovely evening.

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'God, you're a bore!'"

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To be fair, you've never closed the door at a dinner party and said, "I think you should attack Iran."

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Or, actually, maybe you have!

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Why would you invite them to your party?

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Who are they? We want to know.

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OK, Ahmadinejad,

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Kim Jong Il - he's a real bore and terrible at dinner -

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and President Sarkozy, who is very rude. Oh, and Prince Andrew.

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But, I mean, that's just an average evening at my place.

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Prince Andrew was part of the leaks. What did we learn about Prince Andrew?

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This was unbelievable! Prince Andrew, apparently, is very rude and stupid.

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He said the bloody journalists constantly try and shove their noses

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into business that doesn't concern them. Like major corruption deals!

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He referred to them as:

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That's the highest praise from a member of the royal family.

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The Guardian had a theory about the reason for Andrew's behaviour, do we know what that was?

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He's a dick?

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They said it was:

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That's one way of putting it.

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One senior diplomat leapt to Andrew's defence. He said:

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That counts as diplomacy!

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Isn't the Iranian thing slightly reassuring, that everybody does hate them after all?

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Most of the local Arab governments that hate the Iranians aren't pretty much fun either, frankly.

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Are you saying the Saudis are not an open and loving...?

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You will recall I said I look forward to the day I saw the Saudi royal family swinging from the lamppost.

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Ghastly bunk of crooks, they are.

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Always been a moderate, haven't you, Ken?

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I say it again, Ken, keep it light!

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How did Prince Hassan of Jordan describe the leaks?

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An incredible torrent of beauty.

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No, he said:

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No, he did. Either he misheard it or that's the first example I've heard

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of a Jordanian joke.

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No, I like the really shocking ones like Andrew.

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And Berlusconi, apparently, is sex mad!

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Who'd have known?! He certainly kept that pretty quiet!

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-He's under here as well.

-Is he?!

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They actually said about Berlusconi, he was:

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Although Berlusconi released a statement saying:

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And after dinner we have a game of bunga-bunga.

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Barack Obama, what did he say about David Cameron?

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-Lightweight.

-Right. The Americans came out officially and said:

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VERY lightweight.

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-Who else have we learned about this week?

-The Koreans.

-Yes.

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How was he described, Kim Jong Il?

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-Ronery?

-What?!

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No, flabby.

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Flabby old chap, quite a good drinker, who prances around stadiums seeking adulation.

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That sounds like a compliment, doesn't it, "Quite a good drinker"?

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We'd take that as a compliment, wouldn't we?

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You'd take flabby as a compliment in Newcastle, wouldn't you?

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This is the WikiLeaks scandal, which has been described as:

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So, with WikiLeaks clearly to blame, prepare for the US invasion of Wikipedia.

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One of the leaks described an unnamed Labour Minister

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as a manic depressive with an eye for the ladies.

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That's what happens when men get to a certain age.

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The source of the leak is said to be Private Bradley Manning.

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According to the Times, Manning boasted online of how he downloaded the secret files...

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If only you'd have left it at that, son, the whole world would have been behind you.

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Ian and Sarah, what's all this about?

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Students being kettled.

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Oh, and that's Vince playing hopscotch.

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That's Ed Miliband meeting the public. Keep that hat on.

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Ann Widdecombe, yeah. Getting ready for Strictly.

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Oh, abandoning. Fair enough.

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Oh, blimey. He's just seen Ann Widdecombe.

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And he's just hired Ann Widdecombe.

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I don't know why he's in the news.

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I know the student bit. Is that they've been protesting again?

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-They have. What about?

-Student fees.

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What has Vince Cable announced?

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He's announced the policy of putting up student fees but he's not necessarily going to vote for it.

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He says he agrees with it, but that doesn't mean he's going to vote for it.

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-Which is quite weird.

-And who won't care too much about whether tuition fees have gone up any more?

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People in their 30s?

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Or old age pensioners, as you call them in Newcastle.

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-Wales.

-Wales.

-The Welsh, yes.

-Yeah, it was Wales.

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The Welsh Assembly announced that Welsh students would not have to pay the increase in fees.

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People are very annoyed. Only English people will be

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paying these very heavy tuition fees. So they got very excited.

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And some of them got excited enough to go to London and be hit on the head with batons.

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Well, yeah, because normally when you think of students you think of lazy, don't you?

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And now you can't because some of them are missing, like, whole days of telly.

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I'm assuming they've all got Sky Plus and that's why they feel free to protest.

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What I thought was I like the fact now that people are also bringing

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a sense of humour to the slogans and, like, placards.

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And one placard at the demonstration simply said "Political slogan",

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-which I quite liked.

-That's nice.

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Do you think that was from a template that they were supposed to have changed?

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A student was interviewed and said:

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According to George Osborne, what's the good news on the economic front this week?

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Eh... We're all in it together.

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It's not got worse than we thought it would be.

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Oh, you're such a ray of sunshine!

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Come on. It's bleeding awful out there.

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Does the phrase lighten... ?

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We've been doing the cuts, we've been doing WikiLeaks.

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When are we getting on to the saucy jokes?

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Saucy jokes?

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Have you got saucy jokes lined up? Forget all this rubbish.

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Let's go for that angle, then. What did George Osborne say this week about two nuns in a bath?

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-He enjoyed them immensely.

-And any other Conservatives shown their caring side this week?

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Howard Flight, was it?

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The newly-created Tory peer said the tax and benefit system:

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How many people sit there as they're about to have sex, thinking about those things?

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Me.

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I've got a pocket calculator going.

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I know a lot of Tory MPs who, when they're going to have sex, think about the financial implications.

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And what's David Cameron been up to this week?

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World Cup bid, which, as we speak now, the nation is jumping up and down with glee.

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But we just don't know which nation it is.

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We're recording before we know the result of the World Cup bid. We have to keep our options open.

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But what chance did we have with those cheating foreign bastards, anyway?

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It was quite... I found it quite odd that they took Beckham.

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I know he's obviously a brilliant footballer etc, but he's not good with words, is he?

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Was he just doing, like, keepy-ups in the background

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while the other two did the talking? There was a clip on the radio that I heard where he said,

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"Football's very important to our country and it's in our dinner... Ooh - DNA."

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He genuinely said that. Like he'd seen it written down

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and he'd heard it, but he'd not put the two together.

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What's David Cameron been in trouble with the PC lobby this week?

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He recounted a joke someone else had made about the Speaker, John Bercow.

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Correct.

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The joke was that some Tory MP had banged into John Bercow's car.

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Bercow had said, "I'm not happy."

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And then the MP had said "Well, which dwarf ARE you?"

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Whilst the Government are upsetting the poor and the tiny, what's Ed Miliband been up to?

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He's got a blank sheet. He was asked what his policies are, and he said, "We're starting again."

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It's the new Labour policy. "Got any ideas? I haven't."

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What else has Ed announced this week? Got a new catchphrase.

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I can't believe it's not Labour.

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Oh, no!

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Was that the catchphrase?

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-That's a good catchphrase.

-It's actually "Beyond New Labour."

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He was compared to Buzz Lightyear because of this.

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There was a hilarious put-down by Tory MP, Gavin Barwell.

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Oh, those Tory MPs!

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Ed is actually consulting with the people on Labour's new direction.

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He's set up a discussion group on Twitter. Would you like to see what people have tweeted?

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-Yes. Very, very much, please.

-Rosycottage says:

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Nataliewh:

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And peregr1n:

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Why does an earthworm need to be sharpened?

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In case you forgot your darts.

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In case you forgot your darts, you sharpen an earthworm?!

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What else are you going to sharpen to throw in the dartboard?

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An earthworm would be one of my least favourite choices.

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Yes, this is another week of political upheaval.

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Ed Miliband has distanced himself from the New Labour years, proudly declaring:

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Blimey. So, that's just him, Ken and North Korea left, then.

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It was a disappointing week for former spin doctor Alastair Campbell, who narrowly missed out

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on a Bad Sex Award.

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The annual prize given to authors who write bad sex scenes.

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And Campbell's normally really good at sexing up documents.

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The winner was Rowan Somerville who impressed the judges with lines such as:

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They should have gone for the Blair stuff.

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That was the most excruciating sex I've ever s... read about.

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You nearly said "saw"!

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Through the windows at Number Ten, up the top of a ladder, in the bedroom, with the glasses.

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Peter Stringfellow offered to repay his winter fuel allowance this week.

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The first George Osborne knew about it was when he felt a wrinkled hand

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shoving 400 quid down the front of his thong.

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And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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Here's the first one.

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BUZZER

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This is the man who's got all these millions of pounds' worth of paintings, Picasso's paintings,

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which were bequeathed to him by Picasso in exchange for him fitting an electric blanket.

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He's an electrician.

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The family of Picasso are claiming that maybe he didn't receive them as a gift.

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The former electrician claims he was given the pictures by the artist in the 1970s,

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That's quite ironic, isn't it?

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He's done work for other artists.

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Apparently, he fitted a junction box to a zebra for Salvador Dali.

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So...

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Someone else has shown a surprising aptitude for art this week.

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-Who was that?

-Some sort of animal?

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Yeah. Wayne Rooney.

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You're now expecting a really bad painting.

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Potato prints is what I'm expecting.

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This is his bowl of fruit.

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It's all right, isn't it? It's better than I could do, that.

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I say he was good - he was actually drawing Gary Neville.

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Art critics have commented on the way that Wayne's painting manages to look at the fruit with fresh eyes.

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Which is fair enough because he's probably never seen fruit before.

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-Can anyone guess what the Sun's headlines was?

-Yes, given time and a certain amount of drugs.

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Not "Roonbrant"?

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No.

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I thought they should have gone with "Hay-Wayne".

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-That's brilliant.

-I wouldn't go that far, but thanks for patronising me.

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This is the French electrician, who's been accused of stealing

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paintings worth £50 million, whilst doing some work at Picasso's house.

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To be fair, if he really wanted to rob him of 50 million he could

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have just billed him for a couple of extra sockets and an outside light.

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Picasso had the burglar alarm fitted after a spate of thefts.

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Police never caught the culprit, in spite of releasing an artist's impression.

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Here's the next one.

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Are those potatoes?

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You know that's not the answer to the question.

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Have I Got Vegetables For You? Is that what this is called?

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It is some weeks.

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-I've no idea. Have you?

-No.

-We don't know, either.

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I thought everyone knew this.

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-I know it.

-What is it?

-I'll have a look.

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It's Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the last two months.

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He's the executive director of the Washington Potato Commission.

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His mission was to prove that:

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Has anyone said it was the scourge of the Earth?

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Chris had to skip the traditional Thanksgiving meal recently.

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What did he have instead?

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Potatoes.

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-Roast potato.

-No.

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-Just potato.

-It's a type of potato.

-Baked?

-No.

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-Mash?

-Mash, but mashed what?

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-Potato.

-Correct.

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In other food news, what was auctioned for £410 this week?

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A boiled egg that was once eaten by Queen Victoria.

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-You can't have it both ways.

-She did.

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Shall I give you a clue?

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Do you want me to mime it?

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-Yeah.

-Giant.

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-Tooth.

-How do you eat your own teeth?

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Times are hard.

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It rhymes with bustard cream.

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Custard Cream, then.

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A giant one. Or maybe it's normal sized, and two Borrowers eating it.

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A study claimed an estimated 25 million people in Britain had been injured by biscuits.

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This is American Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the past two months.

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Voigt doubled the original length of his potato-only diet to 60 days because, as he said:

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Unless it involves a promise and Nick Clegg.

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Time now for the odd one out round.

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The four are, Harrison Ford, ITV1's breakfast show, Daybreak, Stephen Fry and Sunday April 11th, 1954.

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-I think that's the only date that nothing happened on.

-Almost.

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-It's the most what of the century?

-Boring.

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Correct.

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Until today.

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-Sorry.

-I've had a lovely day.

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Nothing at all happened in 1954 on that day?

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It's a computer programme, where they put in all the facts of what happened when,

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and that's the day that's come up with the least things have happened.

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Right. After finding that every day of the last century had at least one major occurrence,

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computer programmer William Tunstall-Pedoe

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had calculated April 11th 1954 as the most boring day in the twentieth century.

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We've now established that that's boring.

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The Daybreak couple aren't exactly exhilarating.

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-Maybe they're boring as well.

-Do you not like them?

-I've not watched them.

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I've not liked them enough to watch them.

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-Do you watch the other side?

-No, it's morning, love. I don't do mornings.

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-Stephen Fry is the odd one out cos he's clearly not boring.

-No.

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He's been labelled boring as well.

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They have all been branded boring apart from ITV's Daybreak, which was described

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in much more critical terms by its presenter Adrian Chiles this week.

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-He said it was a disaster.

-According to the Sunday Mirror:

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I'm not sure they've quite understood the essential feature of a four-letter word there.

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-Did he do it on the actual show, though?

-No. He didn't get 7:00am Tourette's.

0:21:000:21:05

"Welcome to A Crock of Shite."

0:21:050:21:08

He actually told the Guardian:

0:21:080:21:10

Maybe he should read Heat magazine instead.

0:21:370:21:40

Chiles isn't the only presenter having trouble this week.

0:21:400:21:43

Let's look at Charlie Stayt on BBC Breakfast.

0:21:430:21:46

More than two million people have put money into Irish banks... FARTS

0:21:460:21:53

-He could have got away with that, had she not given him a look.

-Again!

-I'd like to see that again.

0:21:530:21:59

More than two million people have put money... FARTS

0:21:590:22:03

It's a buzzer, isn't it?

0:22:060:22:07

It sounds like a buzzer.

0:22:070:22:09

-RINGS

-Not that buzzer.

0:22:090:22:11

Is that the noise you make?!

0:22:110:22:14

Harrison Ford, the Indiana Jones star, was recently described as

0:22:160:22:18

boring by one of the UK's most feared and respected film critics.

0:22:180:22:23

-Oh, sorry. No. Claudia Winkleman.

-Which film did she think was boring?

0:22:230:22:28

She said that HE was boring. She told the Mirror:

0:22:280:22:30

That's because Indiana Jones is a character.

0:22:360:22:39

Film critic Claudia Winkleman recently described movie star

0:22:390:22:42

Harrison Ford as "a little bit boring."

0:22:420:22:45

Well, I certainly yawned my way through Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Blade Runner,

0:22:450:22:49

and yet Strictly Come Dancing - It Takes Two has me on the edge of my seat.

0:22:490:22:54

Stephen Fry famously quit Twitter last year, after a fellow tweeter said he admired and adored Mr Fry,

0:22:540:23:01

but added that he found his tweets:

0:23:010:23:04

Going back to the date, as well.

0:23:060:23:08

There are a couple of things that did happen. Anyone hazard a guess?

0:23:080:23:12

Yes, Mrs Lillian Morris of 23 Shepton Way, Shepton Mallet, turned into a horse.

0:23:120:23:18

In front of her startled husband, who was expecting something smaller.

0:23:200:23:25

You're close. It was:

0:23:250:23:26

Some may say that April 11 1954 was a boring day. But I know different.

0:23:320:23:37

I happen to know that on that it was that day that an eight-year-old Ken Livingstone

0:23:370:23:40

acquired his first newt.

0:23:400:23:42

It was three years later.

0:23:420:23:44

I think you'll find that's a mi-newt detail.

0:23:480:23:50

Is that true, Ken?

0:23:520:23:54

It was a male smooth newt and it was 1957.

0:23:540:23:57

Everyone remembers their first newt, just like their first sex, you know.

0:23:570:24:03

-Don't you?

-Did the two things coincide, in your case?

0:24:030:24:07

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features,

0:24:070:24:10

as its guest publication, Mollusc World.

0:24:100:24:14

It's an OK magazine, but not really worth shelling out for.

0:24:140:24:17

GROANS

0:24:170:24:19

We start with:

0:24:190:24:20

The cost of their carbon emissions.

0:24:230:24:25

Congestion charge, if Ken gets his way.

0:24:250:24:28

It's only a matter of time until you're back.

0:24:280:24:31

I'm counting down the days.

0:24:310:24:34

17 months. It's going to be a long 17 months.

0:24:340:24:36

-Are you going to be in before the Olympics or after?

-Ten weeks before.

0:24:360:24:40

If you get in, are you going to keep the Olympics?

0:24:400:24:43

-Did I get it right?

-No, you didn't. You weren't even close.

0:24:450:24:48

But it was a good way of getting across your manifesto.

0:24:480:24:51

This is Angela Duran from Galicia in Spain, who has registered a claim to own the sun,

0:24:560:25:01

so she can charge everyone on Earth for using it.

0:25:010:25:04

Lawyers say technically she can buy the sun, as long as she's resident there for three years first.

0:25:040:25:09

Next:

0:25:090:25:11

-Seduced.

-Frightened.

-Deceived.

0:25:160:25:18

Attacked.

0:25:180:25:19

-Deceived by goats?

-Outwitted?

0:25:190:25:22

-Rumbled by goats?

-What?

0:25:250:25:27

They found out she wasn't a goat?

0:25:270:25:28

There's one here with a crown on, lads.

0:25:280:25:31

The answer is:

0:25:310:25:33

During a state visit to Oman, two goats bowed their heads to the Queen.

0:25:350:25:39

According to BBC News:

0:25:390:25:40

In what Prince Phillip calls Operation Towel Head.

0:25:450:25:49

Next:

0:25:490:25:51

Or are you just going to clam up?

0:25:550:25:57

-Are you going to be that shellfish?

-That's the answer.

0:26:040:26:06

-Is it?

-It is the answer, yes.

0:26:060:26:08

It's a bit of an old joke. The correct answer is because under the coalition Government,

0:26:130:26:17

oysters, like everyone else, don't have enough disposable income to give to charity. Finally:

0:26:170:26:22

Death to the Chuckle Brothers.

0:26:240:26:28

What you said in the Guardian the other day, that reality is the enemy of comedy.

0:26:280:26:34

What did you mean by that?

0:26:340:26:35

I say there's too much realism in comedy.

0:26:350:26:37

Like the Office and stuff. It's good, but too many have copied it.

0:26:370:26:41

There's nothing realistic about two nuns in a bath.

0:26:410:26:43

You've led a sheltered life.

0:26:430:26:45

Is that when you first spotted the newts?

0:26:500:26:53

A shrine for the Chuckle Brothers.

0:26:530:26:56

This is 39-year-old Shaun Hope. According to the Sun:

0:26:580:27:02

Making him the only man on the planet who's actually

0:27:050:27:07

more disturbing than the Chuckle Brothers themselves.

0:27:070:27:09

So, the final stores are, Ian and Sarah have six, Paul and Ken have seven.

0:27:120:27:16

APPLAUSE

0:27:160:27:18

Before we go...

0:27:230:27:25

Ken looks incredibly happy there.

0:27:250:27:27

That's a win, Ken. Do you remember that feeling?

0:27:270:27:29

Yes. You voted for the other bugger, you sod.

0:27:310:27:34

If it keeps you unhappy, yes.

0:27:340:27:36

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. Paul and Ken get this.

0:27:380:27:42

Triplets question mixed parentage.

0:27:420:27:44

Ian and Sarah have that.

0:27:460:27:48

Every one a winner.

0:27:500:27:52

And I leave you with news that in a bid to kick-start

0:27:560:27:58

his career, Jim Davidson does a night at the Delhi Empire.

0:27:580:28:01

On her first visit to his Hampstead home, there's a shock for Katy Perry

0:28:050:28:10

when Russell brand forgets to clear out the fridge.

0:28:100:28:12

And, after a tense EU summit meeting, the Irish Finance Minister offers to pay for dinner.

0:28:160:28:20

Goodnight.

0:28:260:28:27

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