Episode 7 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.

This week, news breaks

of a tragic lawnmower accident involving the Royal Correspondent, Nicholas Witchell.

The Sky Documentary Channel denies there are any

historical inaccuracies in its reconstruction of the Crusades.

# We're on the copter

# We're on the copter

# And we're having a laugh! #

Officials at the Health and Safety Executive admit that

the angle of the disabled access ramp may need adjusting.

On Ian Hislop's team, a comedian whose performance on this show with Ann Widdecombe

led her to announce she'd never come on again, so a massive thank you and welcome to Jimmy Carr.

APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

With Paul Merton tonight is a controversial artist,

whom the Daily Mail thinks appears far too often on the BBC.

If you're a regular reader of the Mail, you'll be well advised

to change channel, or even better, just change newspaper!

Please welcome, Grayson Perry.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Jimmy, take a look at this.

That's Irish protesters.

Or the students have let themselves go.

That's the Prime Minister saying, "We don't need any help... Help!"

He only got the job because of his looks.

Who's that, the Cabinet?

-That is someone crying.

-Michael O'Leary, Ryanair.

-Yeah.

-That's a licence to print money. There you go.

-It's Ireland.

-How did you piece that together?

-Extraordinary knack.

The best coverage, I think it was the Irish Daily Star,

-had the headline on the front page...

-We may have it.

-Amazing.

"Useless gobshites."

The headline writers clearly just went, "Yeah, that'll do."

They're pretty cross in Ireland, particularly with their government,

who they blame for spending a week saying, "We really don't need any help,"

then caving in completely and basically letting

the Europeans run the place. They've taken this huge bail-out,

including lots of our money. So, everyone is very happy about that, I should think?

That seems to have killed the mood slightly.

The Celtic Tiger has gone the way of all tigers -

probably being ground up for Chinese medicine as we speak.

-But it's an aphrodisiac.

-Not for the tiger, it isn't!

It's an odd situation. We've bailed them out. They owe money to everyone, do they?

Yes, but we've got to bail them out, as we've lent them so much money.

And why do we have to pay one eighth of their bill?

Because Alistair Darling signed a piece of paper while we didn't have a government.

Brown had left the building, Cameron hadn't come back in again, so Darling was alone.

He thought, "I'll sign up to this, we'll bail out anyone." So that's his final gift to us.

It's a good thing we're not in the Euro. Everyone's thrilled now,

they say, "Thank goodness for Gordon Brown. He kept out us of the Euro."

And someone even suggested this week that, because of that, we should put up a statue to Gordon Brown.

We could just use him!

He's not doing anything at the moment, is he?

Brian Cowen is the Irish Prime Minister.

Didn't he refer to the bail-out as an overdraft facility? It's a brilliant euphemism.

So, this is a nation consolidating their debts into one easy monthly payment?

Meanwhile, back in Westminster, 78-year-old Lord Young had to resign over comments he made over lunch.

Here's how they covered the story in the Mirror.

-"Lord Bonkers." Well, it's one up on "Gobshite".

-He just said, it's all right.

This recession, don't worry about it.

If you've lost your job, don't worry, it's within the statistical norm, so cheer up.

Probably because their house got repossessed.

Lord Young made the outburst while dining with a journalist

in a Michelin-starred restaurant in Westminster.

He later retracted the remarks:

It is what you and I call sobering up.

Is it a blow to the head and been taken back to the 1950s, or something?

The "You've never had it so good" bit.

You know, Harold Macmillan, Elvis Presley...

Do you remember when those two got married?

It was a lovely do, wasn't it?

-Why Cameron thought it was a good idea...

-Macmillan to marry Elvis?

Nobody thought it was a good idea at the time, they all scorned it. He was from the wrong part of town.

-Was Elvis a bit middle-class?

-He had blue suede shoes, after all.

-Lord Young got sacked, anyway.

-Was he sacked or did he resign?

-He resigned, didn't he?

-He was resigned, it's a passive verb.

It's a very odd thing that happened. If you've got a normal job and you do something wrong,

no-one has ever gone, "This is an untenable position, I must resign."

You go, "Fine. Got away with it. Can't believe my luck."

Anybody would think that politics is just about appearances, wouldn't you?

You've proved that isn't true, Grayson.

Cos you're there being Mrs Thatcher and no-one has booed.

I thought I was more Raine Spencer, actually, with a bit of Geoffrey Howe.

What else has been made public this week for the first time?

Government's expenses. And £170,000 spent on bottled water.

That was just the Revenue and Customs.

You'll love this one. The Cabinet Office coughed up...

It's like a Monty Python sketch. "Is this a very difficult conversation, or slightly awkward?"

-Ed Miliband, remember him?

-Yes!

-Back from paternity leave on Monday.

Here's the official Shadow Cabinet photograph.

This is how Mr Miliband describes his life these days -

This is a new characteristic for our political leaders, because David Cameron swore the other day.

He said, "Shit happens." Now we've got the opposition going, "It's crap."

-Yeah, I'm with you.

-Do you know what his brother did on Monday?

He opened a Morrisons in South Shields.

You're kidding! What, couldn't they get Blair?

-Was he like a guest celebrity, or is that his new job?

-He's the caretaker.

We learned something about Ken Clarke's sense of priorities from the News of the World.

He was busy in the office when the phone rang, and he told his PA -

There's an outbreak of Tourettes amongst our senior politicians!

-I quite like it.

-People with Tourettes, what makes them tic?

Eric Pickles, how did he spend Sunday evening?

Was he eating?

Funnily enough, yes. He presented the British Curry Awards.

-They couldn't get David Miliband?

-No, they wanted Pickles. He said...

By way of a joke. On the subject of food, what did we learn about Boris Johnson's tastes this week? No?

He likes cheese on toast, which was the recipe he submitted for a charity recipe book.

Paul and Grayson, here's yours.

Right, erm...

I can't remember him at college!

A bit of old-fashioned sort of painting.

Abstract expressionism went out in the 1950s.

-He should be doing installation art?

-Yeah.

-Chopping himself up and pickling himself in brine?

Her name is Maceba.

She started painting with her owner, Rhona, and ITN reported on this story when it began.

That's a bit of news, isn't it?

Is it an exhibit in the Grand National Gallery?

I thought that was quite good!

How do you think Rhona the owner explained the horse's burst of creativity?

-"It's not winning races, this way it might make some money."

-No.

He's saying, "Get this bloody paintbrush out of my mouth!"

Is the brush made out of horse hair? That could be disturbing for him. It might be his cousin in his mouth.

I can't help but think that these animals are coerced into painting

and don't really know what they're doing. Have a look at this.

Sorry, what am I looking at?

Is this some sort of psychedelic Go Compare advert?

If that picture's been done by a horse, I think it's brilliant!

This is a particular painting style. This should interest you, Grayson.

It might not. I'm not interested in painting, I'm interested in

installations, not some corny idea about what artists are interested in.

-I didn't think you would be difficult, to be honest.

-I just don't like to be pigeon-holed!

-As an artist?

-I never touched you!

No, as a transvestite, of course!

This is Chinese artist Liu Bolin.

That's Liu on the left.

Yes, he paints himself to match the background.

That's right. Here's the invisible man in Venice.

He likes to take the colour of whatever he's standing next to.

A bit like Nick Clegg.

The Daily Mail website had him in various poses.

In this astonishing image, he merges into the rubble after the earthquake in Sichuan.

Although Ellie, 27, from London, says, "I can still see him!"

He could do some photos where he's not actually there and say, "They're my best works!"

What drove him to express himself this way was -

Whatever.

Talking of suitable work, Grayson, haven't you just been driving around Germany

-on a pink bike with your teddy bear on the back?

-Yes.

It's not a question if you haven't been.

I've taken my teddy bear around Germany.

On a kind of exchange visit with the Pope.

-That was his Popemobile.

-Exactly, you can see that.

Was he advocating the use of condoms?

-He's pretty free and easy on the philosophical end of things.

-Good.

That was an extraordinary bit of news this week, wasn't it? The Pope saying you can use condoms.

If I wanted advice about sex from an old man in a dress, I'll ask Grayson!

-How did Berlusconi upset the art world this week?

-With a magnetic penis.

-He's got a magnetic penis?

No fridge is safe!

-You want to watch out if you're the Iron Lady.

-Indeed.

The Ironing Lady's got something to worry about as well.

-What's that story?

-He had a statue restored at his villa. Is that right?

He had the penis stuck back on, but for some reason they made it so they could take it off again.

They made it magnetic.

-It wasn't just the penis.

-And a hand.

Sorry, they've restored a statue and you can take the hand off, and take the penis off?

Nice that you'd be able to swap them as well.

Is there any activity that would lead to stress on both the hand and the penis?

These are the art world's up-and-coming rivals to Grayson Perry.

Chinese artist Liu Bolin is an expert at making himself invisible.

Here he is in front of the Great Wall of China, in front of a gondola in Venice,

and here he is flying a Stealth Bomber.

Also this week, Silvio Berlusconi has spent thousands of pounds

restoring new genitals to the statue of Mars in his office.

Not the first time he's asked highly-paid experts to work their magic on an ancient penis.

So...

So, to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers.

This is a number of people who are advocating teaching Latin and Greek in schools.

-Ah...

-Boris, Joanna Lumley and Sir Tom Stoppard.

-And...

-I think I'm there.

-Yes.

-But you haven't put me in the picture.

No, you're with the invisible Chinaman.

It's a campaign suggesting it might be a good idea to teach Latin and

Greek in schools, and I think it's a very good idea, and so do they.

So, unfortunately, I'm agreeing with Boris, which is obviously embarrassing.

Boris Johnson told the press...

The Sunday Times ran a quick Latin test using some Latin phrases that might work in the modern world.

Translate this one for us?

This feels like an anxiety dream now -

somehow we're on television doing Latin homework, I...

Absolutely. "I can't get excited about the Latin language,

"it's not possible, teacher, for me to be interested."

No, no, no! Do it again, boy!

-Try and do this one.

-Nope.

-Nothing for you.

-"It's true!

"Boy..." Who's Subsidulus, is he a footballer?

"And has put three goals past us..."

Not bad, not bad!

I was on my way.

This is the campaign to have Latin taught in state schools, even though critics point out

that Latin is a dead language with no place in modern English, per se.

Fingers on your buzzers.

Is this the bishop that said, "I'll give it seven years"? He's running a book on the Royal Wedding.

The sign on the back of his dress there looks like that sign for hazardous waste.

He's the Bishop of Willesden, and he got into trouble because he went on Facebook,

to record his thoughts about the Royal Wedding,

saying it was "nauseating tosh", all the coverage of it.

He said he's, erm, he'd avoided the last wedding between Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll.

So he got into a lot of trouble. And he's recanted.

He said the Royal Family was...

-Not all untrue.

-He compared the couple to...

Sounds a bit grumpy. But since, he's had a radical change of heart, though, saying...

With that speed of backtrack, he shouldn't be in the C of E, he should be in the Lib Dems.

They've named 29th April as the day.

Yes, it's St Catherine's day.

-It's David Icke's birthday.

-Oh, right.

-It's actually the day that Hitler and Eva Braun got married.

-Wow, the romance!

Was that three days before they committed suicide, then?

-They killed themselves the next day.

-The bishop thinks they're going to last seven years.

Obviously Kate was given a lovely, snazzy ring last week.

She's also, according to the News of the World, been given another special piece of jewellery...

Or maybe the News of the World made that up.

They had been predicting that those two would get married for about ten years.

-They were right, though, weren't they?

-Yeah, I know.

-Monkeys and typewriters.

-I haven't seen the wedding list. I wouldn't know what to get 'em.

The Royal Family has announced an April date for Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.

-Lovely.

-According to the Daily Express, Liberal Democrats feared an April wedding because it would...

Wouldn't take a wedding, a dog on a skateboard would do that!

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

This is North Korea, surely, launching a missile attack on South Korea.

The talk is, he's going and his son is taking over, Kim Jong-un.

So it might be a show of strength for him.

It's a strange case of, we won't invade North Korea.

Because they have got weapons of mass destruction, and we know that.

Do you know what exactly the North Koreans are threatening?

They're very blood-curdling, the North Koreans - it's usually fire, brimstone, death, hail...

Very, very precise, actually.

Politics over there's pretty rough, isn't it? It's man eats dog.

Sarah Palin - did anyone hear what she had to say? This is quite fresh, this one.

I can't believe she knows where North Korea is.

She gave a radio interview - the host said...

Our Foreign Secretary, William Hague, said...

To which the North Koreans replied,

"Who? Oh, baseball cap hotel share boy, yeah!"

There are simpler ways to resolve conflicts.

Have a look at this from the Argentinean Parliament. It happened during a budget debate this week.

I like the fact they take it seriously.

They genuinely look as if they care.

These are the opening shots of World War III.

Kim Jong-il's heir apparent, Kim Jong-un,

was educated in Switzerland, where he was mercilessly teased every time he tried to say "Toblerone".

Obviously I think that kind of thing's just razy lacism.

It's time now for the Odd One Out round. They are -

David Blunkett's dog, Sadie,

Church of Scotland Moderator John Christie,

Fox News,

and a motorboater from the Isle of Sheppey.

What is a Moderator in the Church of Scotland - somebody going, "Leave it, you've had enough"?

Is it anything to do with... David Blunkett's dog led him into the wrong part of the House of Commons

for a vote, because the dog was so used to being on the Labour side.

Somebody being led in the wrong direction. I think we'll have to guess. What do you think, Grayson?

-Fox News.

-Definitely.

-It's Fox News.

-There we are, he's right.

Yes, they've all got a poor sense of direction, apart from Fox News,

although they did make a geographical faux pas relating to the Beatles.

Reporting on the Beatles' back catalogue finally being available on iTunes, the website said...

Fox News was horrified at the gaffe, and said they'd be apologising

personally to John Lennon and George Harrison.

They have now resolved the dispute between Apple Inc, the computer people,

and Apple Corps, the Beatles people, as discussed on BBC News 24.

-This was Guy Goma, who'd been waiting for a job interview in the BBC's IT department...

-Oh, yes.

..but was accidentally mistaken for a technology expert called Guy Kewney,

and found himself being interviewed live on air. It's worth a look.

So, what does this all mean for the industry and the growth of music online?

Well, Guy Kewney is the editor of the technology website...

-Good morning.

-Were you surprised by this verdict today?

I'm very surprised to see... this verdict to come on me, because I wasn't expecting that.

When I came, they told me something else, and I am coming.

"You've got an interview," so it was a very big surprise anyway.

-I love the fact he just went with it.

-I know, he had a go!

-"I'm very surprised, yeah.

"I'm more surprised than you imagine."

It does make you wonder how many other

interviewees that you've watched have just been delivering a package.

Well, I just came in to do the make-up.

Thank God you didn't get that job.

The Church of Scotland Moderator, John Christie, made a slight navigational error

during Pope Benedict XVI's state visit in September.

He was to meet the Pope as part of the welcome party, which included Nick Clegg,

Alex Salmond and the Archbishop of Canterbury. But he made a wrong turn in Holyrood,

and he ended up sitting in a completely different room, on his own.

-All afternoon.

-Did he think, "Everybody else has got it wrong"?

It did emerge recently that a previous Pope enjoyed a good chinwag with someone rather surprising.

The Devil?

Erm, it was lovable sports drunk Gazza.

I think one of his friends was pulling his leg. Or he was drunk.

What, you think someone fooled Paul Gascoigne?

The motorboater from the Isle of Sheppey had to be rescued by lifeboat

after running out of fuel whilst going round and round the Isle of Sheppey for 36 hours.

Do you know what he was trying to do?

Stop going around the Isle of Sheppey.

He was trying to get from Gillingham to Southampton.

One of his rescuers explained -

There will be some mawkish film about it by Richard Curtis, "The Man Who Went Left" or something.

Are you not a fan of Richard Curtis films?

No, I love them. Can't you tell from the tone of my voice?

Yeah...

I don't like it when Mummy and Daddy fight.

Sadie, the former Home Secretary's guide dog, recently announced her retirement after eight years.

-She recently announced her retirement?!

-Yes! Yes, she did.

HE BARKS ANGRILY

David Blunkett's previous guide dog, Lucy, who was Sadie's half-sister...

Haven't we all?

It's time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication The Letterbox Study Group Newsletter.

The magazine features photos of different kinds of postboxes, like this one.

To date, none of the readers have spotted that there was a woman in that photo as well.

And we start with...

Are you dead?

Bruce Forsyth?

Fancy a good night's sleep?

Hungry?

Try that on Christmas morning! "Lovely, what is it? It's a funny shape."

-"Grandad's come back to say hello!"

-Next...

Can you come up with a witty answer?

And the answer is...

Yes, this is of course from the Letterbox Newsletter, and as it happens,

postmen can't tell the difference between house number 12 and house number 83.

Although amazingly, they can tell the difference between

a birthday card with a necklace in it for my niece and one without.

-Oh, that sounded personal.

-It was.

It's a particular type of letter box.

A Copper Ronnie.

Michael Buble?

If you prefer the South American models, feast your eyes on this baby,

the autumn 2010 pin-up, all the way from Uruguay.

Ain't she a doozy?

Looks like Ann Widdecombe.

A firm Ann Widdecombe.

Oh, I wish I hadn't said that.

Ooh!

Diaries.

-Lots of moles keep me in winter underwear.

-Yeah, against my will.

Is that true?

Keep your skin... erm, young.

Human moles, obviously. According to the Times, the findings by a team at King's College London...

Otherwise known as "a slow news week".

Finally...

Oh, it's going to be another number, isn't it, like LZ24891, yeah...

-Try another one.

-L...

Er, LPG49W.

WB, WB, WB, WB...

Good game, WB, WB...

-WBL!

-WB2075/2 box.

-I knew his brother.

-There you go.

And so, the final scores are, Ian and Jimmy with a massive seven, and Paul and Grayson with a titchy five.

Oh, never mind.

APPLAUSE

But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

"Do you want to marry my other son?"

Is he saying, "I've got a hole in my coat pocket"?

I leave you with news that whilst inspecting the underground in Rome,

Silvio Berlusconi's Transport Minister saved some seats for her colleagues.

Is that invisible Chinese man in there somewhere?

In Oxford, journalists uncover the shadowy millionaire behind a network of animal testing centres.

And evidence that after a recent wedding anniversary,

one disappointed wife would have preferred cash.

-That's what happened to your niece's necklace!

-Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And on that bombshell, I say goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail: [email protected]