Episode 7 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 7

News quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Martin Clunes, and guest panelists Grayson Perry and Jimmy Carr.


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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.

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This week, news breaks

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of a tragic lawnmower accident involving the Royal Correspondent, Nicholas Witchell.

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The Sky Documentary Channel denies there are any

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historical inaccuracies in its reconstruction of the Crusades.

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# We're on the copter

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# We're on the copter

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# And we're having a laugh! #

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Officials at the Health and Safety Executive admit that

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the angle of the disabled access ramp may need adjusting.

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On Ian Hislop's team, a comedian whose performance on this show with Ann Widdecombe

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led her to announce she'd never come on again, so a massive thank you and welcome to Jimmy Carr.

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APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

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With Paul Merton tonight is a controversial artist,

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whom the Daily Mail thinks appears far too often on the BBC.

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If you're a regular reader of the Mail, you'll be well advised

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to change channel, or even better, just change newspaper!

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Please welcome, Grayson Perry.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Jimmy, take a look at this.

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That's Irish protesters.

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Or the students have let themselves go.

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That's the Prime Minister saying, "We don't need any help... Help!"

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He only got the job because of his looks.

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Who's that, the Cabinet?

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-That is someone crying.

-Michael O'Leary, Ryanair.

-Yeah.

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-That's a licence to print money. There you go.

-It's Ireland.

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-How did you piece that together?

-Extraordinary knack.

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The best coverage, I think it was the Irish Daily Star,

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-had the headline on the front page...

-We may have it.

-Amazing.

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"Useless gobshites."

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The headline writers clearly just went, "Yeah, that'll do."

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They're pretty cross in Ireland, particularly with their government,

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who they blame for spending a week saying, "We really don't need any help,"

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then caving in completely and basically letting

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the Europeans run the place. They've taken this huge bail-out,

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including lots of our money. So, everyone is very happy about that, I should think?

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That seems to have killed the mood slightly.

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The Celtic Tiger has gone the way of all tigers -

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probably being ground up for Chinese medicine as we speak.

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-But it's an aphrodisiac.

-Not for the tiger, it isn't!

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It's an odd situation. We've bailed them out. They owe money to everyone, do they?

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Yes, but we've got to bail them out, as we've lent them so much money.

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And why do we have to pay one eighth of their bill?

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Because Alistair Darling signed a piece of paper while we didn't have a government.

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Brown had left the building, Cameron hadn't come back in again, so Darling was alone.

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He thought, "I'll sign up to this, we'll bail out anyone." So that's his final gift to us.

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It's a good thing we're not in the Euro. Everyone's thrilled now,

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they say, "Thank goodness for Gordon Brown. He kept out us of the Euro."

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And someone even suggested this week that, because of that, we should put up a statue to Gordon Brown.

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We could just use him!

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He's not doing anything at the moment, is he?

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Brian Cowen is the Irish Prime Minister.

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Didn't he refer to the bail-out as an overdraft facility? It's a brilliant euphemism.

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So, this is a nation consolidating their debts into one easy monthly payment?

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Meanwhile, back in Westminster, 78-year-old Lord Young had to resign over comments he made over lunch.

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Here's how they covered the story in the Mirror.

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-"Lord Bonkers." Well, it's one up on "Gobshite".

-He just said, it's all right.

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This recession, don't worry about it.

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If you've lost your job, don't worry, it's within the statistical norm, so cheer up.

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Probably because their house got repossessed.

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Lord Young made the outburst while dining with a journalist

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in a Michelin-starred restaurant in Westminster.

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He later retracted the remarks:

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It is what you and I call sobering up.

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Is it a blow to the head and been taken back to the 1950s, or something?

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The "You've never had it so good" bit.

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You know, Harold Macmillan, Elvis Presley...

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Do you remember when those two got married?

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It was a lovely do, wasn't it?

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-Why Cameron thought it was a good idea...

-Macmillan to marry Elvis?

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Nobody thought it was a good idea at the time, they all scorned it. He was from the wrong part of town.

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-Was Elvis a bit middle-class?

-He had blue suede shoes, after all.

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-Lord Young got sacked, anyway.

-Was he sacked or did he resign?

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-He resigned, didn't he?

-He was resigned, it's a passive verb.

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It's a very odd thing that happened. If you've got a normal job and you do something wrong,

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no-one has ever gone, "This is an untenable position, I must resign."

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You go, "Fine. Got away with it. Can't believe my luck."

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Anybody would think that politics is just about appearances, wouldn't you?

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You've proved that isn't true, Grayson.

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Cos you're there being Mrs Thatcher and no-one has booed.

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I thought I was more Raine Spencer, actually, with a bit of Geoffrey Howe.

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What else has been made public this week for the first time?

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Government's expenses. And £170,000 spent on bottled water.

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That was just the Revenue and Customs.

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You'll love this one. The Cabinet Office coughed up...

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It's like a Monty Python sketch. "Is this a very difficult conversation, or slightly awkward?"

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-Ed Miliband, remember him?

-Yes!

-Back from paternity leave on Monday.

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Here's the official Shadow Cabinet photograph.

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This is how Mr Miliband describes his life these days -

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This is a new characteristic for our political leaders, because David Cameron swore the other day.

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He said, "Shit happens." Now we've got the opposition going, "It's crap."

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-Yeah, I'm with you.

-Do you know what his brother did on Monday?

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He opened a Morrisons in South Shields.

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You're kidding! What, couldn't they get Blair?

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-Was he like a guest celebrity, or is that his new job?

-He's the caretaker.

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We learned something about Ken Clarke's sense of priorities from the News of the World.

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He was busy in the office when the phone rang, and he told his PA -

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There's an outbreak of Tourettes amongst our senior politicians!

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-I quite like it.

-People with Tourettes, what makes them tic?

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Eric Pickles, how did he spend Sunday evening?

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Was he eating?

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Funnily enough, yes. He presented the British Curry Awards.

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-They couldn't get David Miliband?

-No, they wanted Pickles. He said...

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By way of a joke. On the subject of food, what did we learn about Boris Johnson's tastes this week? No?

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He likes cheese on toast, which was the recipe he submitted for a charity recipe book.

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Paul and Grayson, here's yours.

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Right, erm...

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I can't remember him at college!

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A bit of old-fashioned sort of painting.

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Abstract expressionism went out in the 1950s.

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-He should be doing installation art?

-Yeah.

-Chopping himself up and pickling himself in brine?

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Her name is Maceba.

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She started painting with her owner, Rhona, and ITN reported on this story when it began.

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That's a bit of news, isn't it?

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Is it an exhibit in the Grand National Gallery?

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I thought that was quite good!

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How do you think Rhona the owner explained the horse's burst of creativity?

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-"It's not winning races, this way it might make some money."

-No.

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He's saying, "Get this bloody paintbrush out of my mouth!"

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Is the brush made out of horse hair? That could be disturbing for him. It might be his cousin in his mouth.

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I can't help but think that these animals are coerced into painting

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and don't really know what they're doing. Have a look at this.

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Sorry, what am I looking at?

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Is this some sort of psychedelic Go Compare advert?

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If that picture's been done by a horse, I think it's brilliant!

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This is a particular painting style. This should interest you, Grayson.

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It might not. I'm not interested in painting, I'm interested in

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installations, not some corny idea about what artists are interested in.

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-I didn't think you would be difficult, to be honest.

-I just don't like to be pigeon-holed!

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-As an artist?

-I never touched you!

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No, as a transvestite, of course!

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This is Chinese artist Liu Bolin.

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That's Liu on the left.

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Yes, he paints himself to match the background.

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That's right. Here's the invisible man in Venice.

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He likes to take the colour of whatever he's standing next to.

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A bit like Nick Clegg.

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The Daily Mail website had him in various poses.

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In this astonishing image, he merges into the rubble after the earthquake in Sichuan.

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Although Ellie, 27, from London, says, "I can still see him!"

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He could do some photos where he's not actually there and say, "They're my best works!"

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What drove him to express himself this way was -

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Whatever.

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Talking of suitable work, Grayson, haven't you just been driving around Germany

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-on a pink bike with your teddy bear on the back?

-Yes.

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It's not a question if you haven't been.

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I've taken my teddy bear around Germany.

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On a kind of exchange visit with the Pope.

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-That was his Popemobile.

-Exactly, you can see that.

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Was he advocating the use of condoms?

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-He's pretty free and easy on the philosophical end of things.

-Good.

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That was an extraordinary bit of news this week, wasn't it? The Pope saying you can use condoms.

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If I wanted advice about sex from an old man in a dress, I'll ask Grayson!

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-How did Berlusconi upset the art world this week?

-With a magnetic penis.

-He's got a magnetic penis?

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No fridge is safe!

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-You want to watch out if you're the Iron Lady.

-Indeed.

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The Ironing Lady's got something to worry about as well.

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-What's that story?

-He had a statue restored at his villa. Is that right?

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He had the penis stuck back on, but for some reason they made it so they could take it off again.

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They made it magnetic.

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-It wasn't just the penis.

-And a hand.

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Sorry, they've restored a statue and you can take the hand off, and take the penis off?

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Nice that you'd be able to swap them as well.

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Is there any activity that would lead to stress on both the hand and the penis?

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These are the art world's up-and-coming rivals to Grayson Perry.

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Chinese artist Liu Bolin is an expert at making himself invisible.

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Here he is in front of the Great Wall of China, in front of a gondola in Venice,

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and here he is flying a Stealth Bomber.

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Also this week, Silvio Berlusconi has spent thousands of pounds

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restoring new genitals to the statue of Mars in his office.

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Not the first time he's asked highly-paid experts to work their magic on an ancient penis.

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So...

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So, to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers.

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This is a number of people who are advocating teaching Latin and Greek in schools.

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-Ah...

-Boris, Joanna Lumley and Sir Tom Stoppard.

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-And...

-I think I'm there.

-Yes.

-But you haven't put me in the picture.

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No, you're with the invisible Chinaman.

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It's a campaign suggesting it might be a good idea to teach Latin and

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Greek in schools, and I think it's a very good idea, and so do they.

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So, unfortunately, I'm agreeing with Boris, which is obviously embarrassing.

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Boris Johnson told the press...

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The Sunday Times ran a quick Latin test using some Latin phrases that might work in the modern world.

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Translate this one for us?

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This feels like an anxiety dream now -

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somehow we're on television doing Latin homework, I...

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Absolutely. "I can't get excited about the Latin language,

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"it's not possible, teacher, for me to be interested."

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No, no, no! Do it again, boy!

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-Try and do this one.

-Nope.

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-Nothing for you.

-"It's true!

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"Boy..." Who's Subsidulus, is he a footballer?

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"And has put three goals past us..."

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Not bad, not bad!

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I was on my way.

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This is the campaign to have Latin taught in state schools, even though critics point out

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that Latin is a dead language with no place in modern English, per se.

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Fingers on your buzzers.

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Is this the bishop that said, "I'll give it seven years"? He's running a book on the Royal Wedding.

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The sign on the back of his dress there looks like that sign for hazardous waste.

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He's the Bishop of Willesden, and he got into trouble because he went on Facebook,

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to record his thoughts about the Royal Wedding,

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saying it was "nauseating tosh", all the coverage of it.

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He said he's, erm, he'd avoided the last wedding between Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll.

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So he got into a lot of trouble. And he's recanted.

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He said the Royal Family was...

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-Not all untrue.

-He compared the couple to...

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Sounds a bit grumpy. But since, he's had a radical change of heart, though, saying...

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With that speed of backtrack, he shouldn't be in the C of E, he should be in the Lib Dems.

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They've named 29th April as the day.

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Yes, it's St Catherine's day.

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-It's David Icke's birthday.

-Oh, right.

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-It's actually the day that Hitler and Eva Braun got married.

-Wow, the romance!

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Was that three days before they committed suicide, then?

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-They killed themselves the next day.

-The bishop thinks they're going to last seven years.

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Obviously Kate was given a lovely, snazzy ring last week.

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She's also, according to the News of the World, been given another special piece of jewellery...

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Or maybe the News of the World made that up.

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They had been predicting that those two would get married for about ten years.

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-They were right, though, weren't they?

-Yeah, I know.

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-Monkeys and typewriters.

-I haven't seen the wedding list. I wouldn't know what to get 'em.

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The Royal Family has announced an April date for Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.

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-Lovely.

-According to the Daily Express, Liberal Democrats feared an April wedding because it would...

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Wouldn't take a wedding, a dog on a skateboard would do that!

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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This is North Korea, surely, launching a missile attack on South Korea.

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The talk is, he's going and his son is taking over, Kim Jong-un.

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So it might be a show of strength for him.

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It's a strange case of, we won't invade North Korea.

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Because they have got weapons of mass destruction, and we know that.

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Do you know what exactly the North Koreans are threatening?

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They're very blood-curdling, the North Koreans - it's usually fire, brimstone, death, hail...

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Very, very precise, actually.

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Politics over there's pretty rough, isn't it? It's man eats dog.

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Sarah Palin - did anyone hear what she had to say? This is quite fresh, this one.

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I can't believe she knows where North Korea is.

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She gave a radio interview - the host said...

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Our Foreign Secretary, William Hague, said...

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To which the North Koreans replied,

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"Who? Oh, baseball cap hotel share boy, yeah!"

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There are simpler ways to resolve conflicts.

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Have a look at this from the Argentinean Parliament. It happened during a budget debate this week.

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I like the fact they take it seriously.

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They genuinely look as if they care.

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These are the opening shots of World War III.

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Kim Jong-il's heir apparent, Kim Jong-un,

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was educated in Switzerland, where he was mercilessly teased every time he tried to say "Toblerone".

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Obviously I think that kind of thing's just razy lacism.

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It's time now for the Odd One Out round. They are -

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David Blunkett's dog, Sadie,

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Church of Scotland Moderator John Christie,

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Fox News,

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and a motorboater from the Isle of Sheppey.

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What is a Moderator in the Church of Scotland - somebody going, "Leave it, you've had enough"?

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Is it anything to do with... David Blunkett's dog led him into the wrong part of the House of Commons

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for a vote, because the dog was so used to being on the Labour side.

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Somebody being led in the wrong direction. I think we'll have to guess. What do you think, Grayson?

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-Fox News.

-Definitely.

-It's Fox News.

-There we are, he's right.

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Yes, they've all got a poor sense of direction, apart from Fox News,

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although they did make a geographical faux pas relating to the Beatles.

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Reporting on the Beatles' back catalogue finally being available on iTunes, the website said...

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Fox News was horrified at the gaffe, and said they'd be apologising

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personally to John Lennon and George Harrison.

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They have now resolved the dispute between Apple Inc, the computer people,

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and Apple Corps, the Beatles people, as discussed on BBC News 24.

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-This was Guy Goma, who'd been waiting for a job interview in the BBC's IT department...

-Oh, yes.

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..but was accidentally mistaken for a technology expert called Guy Kewney,

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and found himself being interviewed live on air. It's worth a look.

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So, what does this all mean for the industry and the growth of music online?

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Well, Guy Kewney is the editor of the technology website...

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-Good morning.

-Were you surprised by this verdict today?

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I'm very surprised to see... this verdict to come on me, because I wasn't expecting that.

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When I came, they told me something else, and I am coming.

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"You've got an interview," so it was a very big surprise anyway.

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-I love the fact he just went with it.

-I know, he had a go!

-"I'm very surprised, yeah.

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"I'm more surprised than you imagine."

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It does make you wonder how many other

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interviewees that you've watched have just been delivering a package.

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Well, I just came in to do the make-up.

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Thank God you didn't get that job.

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The Church of Scotland Moderator, John Christie, made a slight navigational error

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during Pope Benedict XVI's state visit in September.

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He was to meet the Pope as part of the welcome party, which included Nick Clegg,

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Alex Salmond and the Archbishop of Canterbury. But he made a wrong turn in Holyrood,

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and he ended up sitting in a completely different room, on his own.

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-All afternoon.

-Did he think, "Everybody else has got it wrong"?

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It did emerge recently that a previous Pope enjoyed a good chinwag with someone rather surprising.

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The Devil?

0:22:260:22:28

Erm, it was lovable sports drunk Gazza.

0:22:280:22:31

I think one of his friends was pulling his leg. Or he was drunk.

0:22:420:22:46

What, you think someone fooled Paul Gascoigne?

0:22:460:22:48

The motorboater from the Isle of Sheppey had to be rescued by lifeboat

0:22:500:22:53

after running out of fuel whilst going round and round the Isle of Sheppey for 36 hours.

0:22:530:22:58

Do you know what he was trying to do?

0:22:580:23:00

Stop going around the Isle of Sheppey.

0:23:000:23:03

He was trying to get from Gillingham to Southampton.

0:23:030:23:06

One of his rescuers explained -

0:23:060:23:07

There will be some mawkish film about it by Richard Curtis, "The Man Who Went Left" or something.

0:23:170:23:23

Are you not a fan of Richard Curtis films?

0:23:230:23:26

No, I love them. Can't you tell from the tone of my voice?

0:23:260:23:29

Yeah...

0:23:290:23:30

I don't like it when Mummy and Daddy fight.

0:23:320:23:35

Sadie, the former Home Secretary's guide dog, recently announced her retirement after eight years.

0:23:400:23:45

-She recently announced her retirement?!

-Yes! Yes, she did.

0:23:450:23:48

HE BARKS ANGRILY

0:23:480:23:51

David Blunkett's previous guide dog, Lucy, who was Sadie's half-sister...

0:23:550:24:00

Haven't we all?

0:24:030:24:05

It's time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:24:050:24:09

which this week features as its guest publication The Letterbox Study Group Newsletter.

0:24:090:24:14

The magazine features photos of different kinds of postboxes, like this one.

0:24:140:24:18

To date, none of the readers have spotted that there was a woman in that photo as well.

0:24:200:24:24

And we start with...

0:24:240:24:26

Are you dead?

0:24:280:24:29

Bruce Forsyth?

0:24:310:24:32

Fancy a good night's sleep?

0:24:350:24:38

Hungry?

0:24:380:24:40

Try that on Christmas morning! "Lovely, what is it? It's a funny shape."

0:24:450:24:50

-"Grandad's come back to say hello!"

-Next...

0:24:500:24:53

Can you come up with a witty answer?

0:24:560:24:58

And the answer is...

0:25:020:25:03

Yes, this is of course from the Letterbox Newsletter, and as it happens,

0:25:100:25:14

postmen can't tell the difference between house number 12 and house number 83.

0:25:140:25:18

Although amazingly, they can tell the difference between

0:25:180:25:21

a birthday card with a necklace in it for my niece and one without.

0:25:210:25:25

-Oh, that sounded personal.

-It was.

0:25:250:25:28

It's a particular type of letter box.

0:25:330:25:36

A Copper Ronnie.

0:25:360:25:38

Michael Buble?

0:25:390:25:41

If you prefer the South American models, feast your eyes on this baby,

0:25:460:25:49

the autumn 2010 pin-up, all the way from Uruguay.

0:25:490:25:54

Ain't she a doozy?

0:25:540:25:56

Looks like Ann Widdecombe.

0:25:560:25:58

A firm Ann Widdecombe.

0:26:000:26:02

Oh, I wish I hadn't said that.

0:26:020:26:04

Ooh!

0:26:050:26:07

Diaries.

0:26:090:26:11

-Lots of moles keep me in winter underwear.

-Yeah, against my will.

0:26:150:26:18

Is that true?

0:26:180:26:21

Keep your skin... erm, young.

0:26:210:26:24

Human moles, obviously. According to the Times, the findings by a team at King's College London...

0:26:280:26:33

Otherwise known as "a slow news week".

0:26:360:26:39

Finally...

0:26:390:26:41

Oh, it's going to be another number, isn't it, like LZ24891, yeah...

0:26:450:26:50

-Try another one.

-L...

0:26:500:26:51

Er, LPG49W.

0:26:540:26:56

WB, WB, WB, WB...

0:26:560:26:58

Good game, WB, WB...

0:26:580:27:01

-WBL!

-WB2075/2 box.

-I knew his brother.

-There you go.

0:27:010:27:07

And so, the final scores are, Ian and Jimmy with a massive seven, and Paul and Grayson with a titchy five.

0:27:070:27:12

Oh, never mind.

0:27:120:27:14

APPLAUSE

0:27:140:27:18

But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:27:200:27:23

"Do you want to marry my other son?"

0:27:230:27:26

Is he saying, "I've got a hole in my coat pocket"?

0:27:260:27:30

I leave you with news that whilst inspecting the underground in Rome,

0:27:370:27:40

Silvio Berlusconi's Transport Minister saved some seats for her colleagues.

0:27:400:27:44

Is that invisible Chinese man in there somewhere?

0:27:490:27:51

In Oxford, journalists uncover the shadowy millionaire behind a network of animal testing centres.

0:27:550:28:00

And evidence that after a recent wedding anniversary,

0:28:040:28:07

one disappointed wife would have preferred cash.

0:28:070:28:09

-That's what happened to your niece's necklace!

-Yes!

0:28:120:28:15

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:150:28:18

And on that bombshell, I say goodnight!

0:28:220:28:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:520:28:55

E-mail: [email protected]

0:28:550:28:58