Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Damian Lewis.

In the news this week...

Nick Clegg's task of selling the coalition to the Lib Dems

is about to get even tougher,

as David Cameron unveils the new Home Secretary.

At the European Swimming Championships, the line-up

for the men's freestyle relay final

is completed by the team from the Vatican City.

And the head of ITV News angrily denies accusations of dumbing down

during their report on the Somali pirate story.

APPLAUSE

On Ian Hislop's team is

a comedy writer and presenter

who is also President of the Woodland Trust,

as the problem of deforestation is close to his heart,

and even closer to his head.

PAUL MERTON LAUGHS

Aw! Please welcome Clive Anderson!

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With Paul Merton is a Scottish comedian

who first performed stand-up in a Glasgow pub aged 15,

which is odd, because most 15-year-olds in Glasgow

don't go to pubs,

unless they can get a baby-sitter.

Please welcome Kevin Bridges!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Kevin, take a look at this.

Oh, right, yes, of course. There is the happy man.

There he is, look!

That's the winner of the Gordon Brown Lookalike Contest,

he's very pleased,

and commemorative plates. It's the new royal wedding

for next year, to cope with our economic straits,

the terrible climate, it takes our minds of it by saying,

"Look, she looks like Diana, look at her!"

That's what we're all going to do. Just look at her,

and ignore everything else. Just look at her.

I don't agree that it's going to cheer the country up.

There's public spending cuts,

-job losses...

-Yeah, but look at her!

She's got a shiny brooch!

Just in case unemployed life wasn't difficult enough,

there's going to be six months of the TV being shite.

-Er, is the correct answer!

-LAUGHTER

He's going to be wearing a special waistcoat made out of

the tongues of the poor.

And the stag night - again, a royal custom - he's got to have sex with a stag.

It must be pretty surreal being Prince Harry and William on a stag night.

Just you and your mates stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer's bra.

APPLAUSE

We've all done that, haven't we?

I like the, "She's a commoner," because she's only upper middle class. What is it, she's going to

make the royal family more accessible to the public?

I think it sets a challenge for Prince Harry

to go and find himself a proper scumbag.

I'd take more of an interest in the monarchy

if Prince Harry was getting married to a 19-year-old beauty therapist from Warrington.

Where did William propose?

Halfway up Mount Kenya, which is not a euphemism, that was exactly where they were.

Yes, er...

LAUGHTER

Yes, the location was described as...

Coincidentally, how Diana and Charles looked on their engagement.

What does Wills like about Kate so much?

That she's willing to marry him, which is...

-LAUGHTER

-..a good start,

particularly if you're marrying into the royal family.

Erm, no. He says...

"Ha-ha, she passes the port to the right."

Is that a snob joke from an Old Etonian?

Well, I... You be the judge, I couldn't possibly comment!

Whose picture was Kate Middleton rumoured to have on her bedroom wall as a student?

It was meant to be a picture of Prince William, this was the one fact the newspapers established.

-Which turned out not to be true. She didn't have a picture of him on the wall.

-No, it was you, Ian.

Big Private Eye fan. No, it was the Levi advert, wasn't it?

That's what she now claims.

What do you mean "now claims"?!

-Honestly!

-Well, I don't know whether she's right or they're right or...

You have no position?

I haven't been in her bedroom!

You wouldn't be looking at the wall if you were.

She did, in fact, tell reporters...

Still doesn't answer whose picture she had on her bedroom wall.

Er, what are Will and Kate's nicknames for each other?

Her nickname for him is Big Willie, which is not the worst nickname in the world to have, to be honest.

It is if you're a woman.

She's to be known as Catherine as well

when they're married.

Princess Kate sounds like something you'd buy in the Early Learning Centre.

He calls her...

She calls him, as you said...

..which is ironic

cos he's got a tiny penis.

What was Kate's nickname amongst royal courtiers?

She was supposedly known as Waity Katy,

because she had to wait for a very long time.

I know a 19-year-old beauty therapist from Warrington called Weighty Katy,

because she's got a slow metabolism.

Not to be confused with Weighty Fergie. No.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

She's another redhead. It's fair game.

But she isn't exactly a commoner. I mean,

she went to Marlborough, quite a famous public school, and then St Andrews,

probably the most exclusive of those Scottish universities that you go to

to read history of art.

So, em...

Pick up the sneer in that!

-Did you see Kate's parents being interviewed?

-Not recently, no.

They're hardly that common! It'd be better if her dad looked at the camera and said,

"Ker-ching!"

When they first met, what grievous offence did Kate's mother commit that made

the Royals concerned about the match?

Did she go on a blood-thirsty spree with a machine gun?

There was some story about... They said she didn't know how to use the fish knife.

-Exactly. It's nonsense...

-I can't really believe that's true.

-Apparently she said "pardon" and "toilet" instead of "what" and "lavatory".

-What was the sentence?

"Pardon, is that something in the toilet I can hear...

"..Your Majesty?"

How did the cabinet respond to the news?

By banging the table, like that.

I think they did it like that.

This is a bit common.

Imagine if the desk wasn't there.

What was Davina McCall's Twitter response?

I don't know why you ask such...

The idea that anybody's interested in what Davina McCall says on Twitter...

APPLAUSE

That's a bit cruel.

I like Davina.

But I agree with you, I'm going to move on.

Come on, we might as well hear it, now we've had a big row about it.

-It might be really funny and relevant and witty.

-And if it isn't?

-Then Ian would have been right.

-Let's try.

OK.

-Jury's out.

-Yeah.

"Yay!"

Who's organising his stag do?

Is it the Archbishop Of Canterbury?

Are you saying Prince Harry is not organising the stag do?

-Prince Harry is organising it.

-Oh! Well...

Where are they going? We don't know any of this, do we? Have a guess!

I mean, this is the trouble with rolling news.

Instead of covering lots of events, it covers one event for ever.

For the next six months, there's going to be one story

and most of it just won't be true.

You say, "Yeah, the stag night. I'd imagine they'll hold it in Munich

"and they're going to dress up as Nazi officers

"and, em... Oh, no. I've just heard that's wrong.

"Grayson Perry's organising the stag night. They're dressing up as Alice In Wonderland."

The answer, actually, was - just reeling us back to the question...

I've forgotten what the question was,

but I'm intrigued by the answer.

What was Harry's response to the engagement?

He fell into a deep, deep coma...

..at the sheer tedium of the subject.

Even as a member of the royal family, I've had it up to here, he said.

Or is it up to there? I can't remember.

He said, rather sweetly...

AUDIENCE: Ah!

What did Charles and Camilla have to say about it all?

She said, "It's wicked, innit?"

-And Prince Charles said...

-HE MUMBLES GIBBERISH

Which means, "Windsor Massive."

-Exactly, yes.

-LAUGHTER

Although she has lost weight, recently.

You're both right - we can have a look now.

-May we ask your reaction to the wedding, please, sir?

-Obviously thrilled.

Brilliant news, I'm just so happy for both of them.

-They are so happy and...it's wicked.

-LAUGHTER

You cut it before the "innit".

Yo, 'nuff respect to the Prince's ho.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

What part of the royal wedding will cost £80 million?

I'm willing to give you £80 million if we can move onto the next subject.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what I mean?

£80 million for which bit of the... Is it the button holes?

They are often quite expensive.

Is it the flowers?

That's much the same thing, really.

No, including the flowers.

Oh, we're expanding our answer.

It's security.

That's the answer, according to The Express.

LAUGHTER

Or, as we call them, the groom's family.

In fact, all the papers went a bit engagement doolally across the board -

who was particularly excited,

-apart from Paul, of course?

-Exchange and Mart.

They took the advert off the front page for the first time ever.

Well, the Sun had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.

The Daily Mirror had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.

The Star had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.

The Independent went with, "Ghost estates and broken lives, the human cost of the Irish crash."

THEY know how to sell papers. LAUGHTER

William and Kate have already been together for eight years,

one of the longest lasting royal relationships since records began.

The BBC news Online observed...

And the 37th anniversary of his father's affair with Camilla.

Ian and Clive, here's yours.

It's not the royal wedding! People happy,

it's the wedding. He's thrilled - "It's the wedding!"

The whole country, they can't contain themselves!

He's happy, it's the wedding.

Nothing to do with the wedding, Ian!

No, she's hoping the wedding goes well.

Ah! He hasn't had enough chocolate. It's a wedding, it's be OK!

And there's the groom.

This is a new plan that the government...

We're going to have statistics kept on how happy we are. Whether we've got a job,

how much income we have.

They've got some statistician who's going to come up with the questions.

Question one - "Are you happy?" LAUGHTER

Question two - "If you're not, shut up.

"Stop whinging."

What about the Irish money at the end there? The Irish disaster money.

-What's that got to do with happiness?

-Ireland's going bust - by the time this goes out, it may have.

A lot of people are saying, "Ireland's going bust, doesn't affect us,"

but we've lent a vast amount of money to Ireland.

Particularly my stupid bank.

The clue is in the name.

You're taking it very personally, Ian - they didn't do it to spite YOU.

The government, our government,

has got to pay about £7 billion to bail out Ireland.

And that's the total of all the cuts that we've got this year.

So we've got to save all this money and then give it to Ireland.

Is there a flaw there somewhere?!

They're refusing the money.

They're refusing to take the money.

You wait till the repeat.

I think it's just like a drunk guy that's had a good time.

They're just refusing anybody that's trying to help them up.

"I'm fine!

"I don't need your help, I'm fine!"

David Cameron said...

..said the multi-millionaire.

I think they want us to measure how happy we are, he should travel the country with no security guards.

How will those levels be assessed?

Specially trained meerkats will be sent around the country...

peering through people's letter boxes.

We're going to shout "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

By means of a questionnaire to be drawn up by the Office For National Statistics...

Oh, they can be right bastards.

The National Office Of Statistics, 47% of them are real idiots.

And the other 83 are just...incompetent.

-Yeah.

-It's a very un-British idea that everyone should be happy.

Everyone should just groan a bit and then bumble through.

The idea that everyone goes around being happy?

-One of...

-Name one good thing, Ian, that you like.

-One good thing you like.

-That I like?

There was a good programme on the other night called The History Of The National Grid.

APPLAUSE

That was good, wasn't it?

So, Ireland then, or as the Sun called it on Tuesday...

Anyone remember how The Independent described the Irish economy in 2004?

Yes, I do. I have it written on a tea towel at home.

APPLAUSE

They said...

And back again.

And what did George Osborne say on a trip to Dublin in 2006?

-He said, "We've got a lot to learn."

-That's along the right lines. He said...

Bit worrying.

Commentating on the state of Ireland's economy, one Irish businesswoman said...

Except this time, the coded warning came in a phone call from the IMF,

not to be con...

not to be confused with the Real IMF or the Continuity IMF.

APPLAUSE

Who announced that he'll be heading south this week?

-Gerry Adams.

-I was going to say the swallow in my garden, but that's...

How did the swallow act to the impending news

of the joyful union between two people?

Well, he tweeted about it, so...

APPLAUSE

Paul, absolutely right.

-(IRISH ACCENT:)

-Gerry Adams.

-He's going to... Sorry.

-That was awfully good.

Do you do any other impressions at all?

No.

Um...

-You thought about it, didn't you?

-Yeah.

I bet one of them's Basil Brush.

-I'm tempted.

-I know. I can see it.

-Gerry Adams!

He's going to stand for election to the Irish parliament.

So, he won't be not attending our parliament any more.

Adams is one of five Sinn Fein MPs

who have claimed half-a-million pounds of taxpayers money

in second-home allowances.

Still, not the first time Gerry Adams has been accused of making a bomb.

-Interesting.

-The minute you stray away from royal weddings

and into actual satire...

-they hate it.

-It's confusing, isn't it?

They're worried their faces are going to be shown laughing.

Meanwhile, who turned down an invitation to appear

on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special this week?

Yes?

-LAUGHTER

-I don't know how you knew,

but it was me.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No, it was Vince Cable and Peter Mandelson.

But there were plans to have a big political dance-off,

get the whole argument about the economy sorted

by Vince and Peter doing a rumba.

Together?

Yes! Don't want professionals involved, it's like politics.

That would ruin it, um...

You're right,

Peter Mandelson, despite having said previously that he would love to,

said no.

Fickle.

But never mind, Vince Cable has said he's interested.

That's Vince Cable, the secretary of state for business.

It's not like we're in the middle of a recession or anything.

So, to Round Two - the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers.

BUZZ!

Yes, Ian and Clive?

I'm not sure that photo's real.

Is it the Bee Gees?

These are people that have been released this week.

She's Aung San Suu Kyi who's the Burmese opposition leader,

who's been in prison for 15 years

and she's just been let out of house arrest...

after a non-violent protest which seems to have worked - very exciting, terribly good news.

Is it Paul and Rachel? They were pottering around in their boat

and were taken by Somali pirates and they've been released.

-Somebody paid their ransom.

-They asked for ransom, nothing happened, so they were put on eBay...

They'll be home in time for the royal wedding,

and that, for me, is the most important aspect of the story.

One of the reasons they were released is that the pirates were bored.

They've held them for ages and it's not cost efficient.

The intermediary was a Somalian taxi driver, based in London.

No wonder they were kept waiting. They kept saying, "I'll be with you in 20 minutes."

APPLAUSE

It has been a good week for captives.

Aung San Suu Kyi was released after spending 15 of the last 21 years under house arrest.

What did she say when she emerged?

"Look at the state of the garden."

She said...

Well, bless her, she doesn't get out much.

That's something about house arrest - it's be all right.

She's won the respect of millions

and she can probably get a top score on Guitar Hero.

Who first hinted that she might be released?

-Is it somebody we've ever heard of?

-No.

That narrows it down. I can forget all the people I actually know.

-Is it a Burmese person?

-Mm-hm.

He's name's U Tin Oo.

So when you say Oo told us first that she was going to be released,

you were just stating a fact.

I think you've cornered the market in Burmese puns.

Fantastic news.

This is the joyous news of two long-awaited releases.

Aung San Suu Kyi had been held under house arrest for more than 15 years.

Her release comes shortly after Burmese elections in which the hated military junta

claimed victory over its two democratic rivals.

Honestly, what kind of country would allow so much power to go to the third most popular party?

This week also saw the release of the Chandlers,

a couple from Tunbridge Wells who were held captive by Somali pirates for over a year.

According to the Daily Mail, the London cabbie who negotiated the Chandlers' freedom...

So he spends half his time in a lawless, poverty-stricken wasteland...

Keep going!

..and the other half...

APPLAUSE

-(AS BRUCE FORSYTH:)

-And the other half...

in Somalia.

Right.

According to Max Clifford, the couple could make £1 million from TV interviews...

Then they really will be worth kidnapping.

Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.

BUZZER

That must be an old folk tradition.

Cultural treasures.

Like pig-stretching in Andover.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's this year's hopefuls vying for a place on UNESCO's list

of intangible cultural treasures.

The French are in with a good chance.

-Which of their traditions are they hoping to get on the list?

-Budgie-teasing.

Budgie-teasing in Provence.

-(FRENCH ACCENT:)

-You live in Provence,

you are a budgie.

-One of their traditions is art de la table.

-Oh, just eating.

Cooking and all that kind of stuff.

What cultural heritage is going on here?

This is a 648-year-old tradition.

-In Turkey.

-Is this wrestling?

You oil yourself before you wrestle.

It's Turkey's annual oil-wrestling festival.

According to promoters, it's...

That ought to do it.

Can anyone tell me what's going on here?

Is that another folk tradition?

This is queuing for the loo at the royal wedding.

Is it a series of rapid earthquakes that hit Chorlton-cum-Hardy in 1932?

It's hopping. This is Luxemburg's submission

to the UNESCO list of intangible cultural treasures.

Cultural treasure? Hopping?

Luxemburg? Hopping? I can't compute this.

Hopping, they haven't got a leg to stand on, have they?

It's ridiculous.

A centuries-old... A centuries-old religious ritual

where thousands of dancers linked by a chain of handkerchiefs

form a hopping procession through the streets.

And they say there's nothing to do in Luxemburg.

Croatia have a gingerbread, apparently, which I think is tangible.

It's not tangible, it's edible.

You can touch it and then eat it.

I'm not going to eat it once you've touched it.

Croatian throat singing.

We can have a little listen, if you'd like.

THEY HOWL A TUNE

Good to see Take That back together again.

These are the latest applicants for UNESCO's list of intangible cultural treasures.

One candidate for inclusion is French cuisine which boasts...

..and bits of horse.

UNESCO's intangible cultural heritage scheme

has been dismissed here as foreign nonsense -

a traditional British attitude which has been added to UNESCO's list.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the missing words round which features the guest publication...

..sister-publication of Chocolate Teapot magazine.

We start with...

Condom.

Hurts.

In a recent article on how to give a concrete canoe presentation,

the authors top tip is to use humour or, as they put it...

It gets me every time. Next...

Noses.

Drunken women.

Is it Eamonn Holmes?

-You can't say that.

-We can't say that.

-No mention of Eamonn Holmes and food.

If we do he comes down on you like a ton of bricks.

APPLAUSE

Fat people.

The answer is fat people.

There's a survey that found that fat people know where food is.

They smell it more than thin people.

Partly cos it's in their hand.

APPLAUSE

This is research that discovered the heavier someone is,

the more sensitive they are to the smell of food.

Oddly enough, not salad.

Next...

It had specially-flanged concrete to cut down on wind resistance.

It actually looked like a canoe.

Concrete Canoe magazine, designed for civil engineering students,

but is careful to appeal to the general reader as well.

For example, in the recent edition, the editor makes this light-hearted observation.

And finally...

Ill-advised sandals.

Michael Buble in a sack.

Is it him in a sack?

It's concrete guitar.

This was student Parker Sloan.

Here he is. It took him ten minutes to play three songs on it.

And 11 months to smash it against the speakers.

So the final scores

are Ian and Clive

on 7 and Paul and Kevin on 7.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Clive Anderson, Paul Merton and Kevin Bridges.

I leave you with news that in Oxfordshire, whilst taking a shower,

Bill Oddie forgets to close the bathroom curtains.

At a military parade in Kashmir,

one soldier battles to control a severe attack of cramp.

And at the Cenotaph, the minute's silence is marred by an erratic rendition of the Last Post.

Good night.

Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd

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