Episode 6 Have I Got News for You


Episode 6

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Damian Lewis and guest panelists Clive Anderson and Kevin Bridges.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Damian Lewis.

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In the news this week...

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Nick Clegg's task of selling the coalition to the Lib Dems

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is about to get even tougher,

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as David Cameron unveils the new Home Secretary.

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At the European Swimming Championships, the line-up

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for the men's freestyle relay final

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is completed by the team from the Vatican City.

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And the head of ITV News angrily denies accusations of dumbing down

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during their report on the Somali pirate story.

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APPLAUSE

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On Ian Hislop's team is

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a comedy writer and presenter

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who is also President of the Woodland Trust,

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as the problem of deforestation is close to his heart,

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and even closer to his head.

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PAUL MERTON LAUGHS

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Aw! Please welcome Clive Anderson!

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Thank you very much.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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With Paul Merton is a Scottish comedian

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who first performed stand-up in a Glasgow pub aged 15,

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which is odd, because most 15-year-olds in Glasgow

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don't go to pubs,

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unless they can get a baby-sitter.

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Please welcome Kevin Bridges!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Kevin, take a look at this.

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Oh, right, yes, of course. There is the happy man.

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There he is, look!

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That's the winner of the Gordon Brown Lookalike Contest,

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he's very pleased,

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and commemorative plates. It's the new royal wedding

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for next year, to cope with our economic straits,

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the terrible climate, it takes our minds of it by saying,

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"Look, she looks like Diana, look at her!"

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That's what we're all going to do. Just look at her,

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and ignore everything else. Just look at her.

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I don't agree that it's going to cheer the country up.

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There's public spending cuts,

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-job losses...

-Yeah, but look at her!

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She's got a shiny brooch!

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Just in case unemployed life wasn't difficult enough,

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there's going to be six months of the TV being shite.

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-Er, is the correct answer!

-LAUGHTER

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He's going to be wearing a special waistcoat made out of

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the tongues of the poor.

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And the stag night - again, a royal custom - he's got to have sex with a stag.

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It must be pretty surreal being Prince Harry and William on a stag night.

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Just you and your mates stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer's bra.

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APPLAUSE

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We've all done that, haven't we?

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I like the, "She's a commoner," because she's only upper middle class. What is it, she's going to

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make the royal family more accessible to the public?

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I think it sets a challenge for Prince Harry

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to go and find himself a proper scumbag.

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I'd take more of an interest in the monarchy

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if Prince Harry was getting married to a 19-year-old beauty therapist from Warrington.

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Where did William propose?

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Halfway up Mount Kenya, which is not a euphemism, that was exactly where they were.

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Yes, er...

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, the location was described as...

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Coincidentally, how Diana and Charles looked on their engagement.

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What does Wills like about Kate so much?

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That she's willing to marry him, which is...

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-LAUGHTER

-..a good start,

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particularly if you're marrying into the royal family.

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Erm, no. He says...

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"Ha-ha, she passes the port to the right."

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Is that a snob joke from an Old Etonian?

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Well, I... You be the judge, I couldn't possibly comment!

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Whose picture was Kate Middleton rumoured to have on her bedroom wall as a student?

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It was meant to be a picture of Prince William, this was the one fact the newspapers established.

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-Which turned out not to be true. She didn't have a picture of him on the wall.

-No, it was you, Ian.

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Big Private Eye fan. No, it was the Levi advert, wasn't it?

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That's what she now claims.

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What do you mean "now claims"?!

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-Honestly!

-Well, I don't know whether she's right or they're right or...

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You have no position?

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I haven't been in her bedroom!

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You wouldn't be looking at the wall if you were.

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She did, in fact, tell reporters...

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Still doesn't answer whose picture she had on her bedroom wall.

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Er, what are Will and Kate's nicknames for each other?

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Her nickname for him is Big Willie, which is not the worst nickname in the world to have, to be honest.

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It is if you're a woman.

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She's to be known as Catherine as well

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when they're married.

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Princess Kate sounds like something you'd buy in the Early Learning Centre.

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He calls her...

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She calls him, as you said...

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..which is ironic

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cos he's got a tiny penis.

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What was Kate's nickname amongst royal courtiers?

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She was supposedly known as Waity Katy,

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because she had to wait for a very long time.

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I know a 19-year-old beauty therapist from Warrington called Weighty Katy,

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because she's got a slow metabolism.

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Not to be confused with Weighty Fergie. No.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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She's another redhead. It's fair game.

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But she isn't exactly a commoner. I mean,

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she went to Marlborough, quite a famous public school, and then St Andrews,

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probably the most exclusive of those Scottish universities that you go to

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to read history of art.

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So, em...

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Pick up the sneer in that!

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-Did you see Kate's parents being interviewed?

-Not recently, no.

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They're hardly that common! It'd be better if her dad looked at the camera and said,

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"Ker-ching!"

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When they first met, what grievous offence did Kate's mother commit that made

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the Royals concerned about the match?

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Did she go on a blood-thirsty spree with a machine gun?

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There was some story about... They said she didn't know how to use the fish knife.

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-Exactly. It's nonsense...

-I can't really believe that's true.

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-Apparently she said "pardon" and "toilet" instead of "what" and "lavatory".

-What was the sentence?

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"Pardon, is that something in the toilet I can hear...

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"..Your Majesty?"

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How did the cabinet respond to the news?

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By banging the table, like that.

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I think they did it like that.

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This is a bit common.

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Imagine if the desk wasn't there.

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What was Davina McCall's Twitter response?

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I don't know why you ask such...

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The idea that anybody's interested in what Davina McCall says on Twitter...

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APPLAUSE

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That's a bit cruel.

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I like Davina.

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But I agree with you, I'm going to move on.

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Come on, we might as well hear it, now we've had a big row about it.

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-It might be really funny and relevant and witty.

-And if it isn't?

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-Then Ian would have been right.

-Let's try.

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OK.

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-Jury's out.

-Yeah.

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"Yay!"

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Who's organising his stag do?

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Is it the Archbishop Of Canterbury?

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Are you saying Prince Harry is not organising the stag do?

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-Prince Harry is organising it.

-Oh! Well...

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Where are they going? We don't know any of this, do we? Have a guess!

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I mean, this is the trouble with rolling news.

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Instead of covering lots of events, it covers one event for ever.

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For the next six months, there's going to be one story

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and most of it just won't be true.

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You say, "Yeah, the stag night. I'd imagine they'll hold it in Munich

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"and they're going to dress up as Nazi officers

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"and, em... Oh, no. I've just heard that's wrong.

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"Grayson Perry's organising the stag night. They're dressing up as Alice In Wonderland."

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The answer, actually, was - just reeling us back to the question...

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I've forgotten what the question was,

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but I'm intrigued by the answer.

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What was Harry's response to the engagement?

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He fell into a deep, deep coma...

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..at the sheer tedium of the subject.

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Even as a member of the royal family, I've had it up to here, he said.

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Or is it up to there? I can't remember.

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He said, rather sweetly...

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AUDIENCE: Ah!

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What did Charles and Camilla have to say about it all?

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She said, "It's wicked, innit?"

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-And Prince Charles said...

-HE MUMBLES GIBBERISH

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Which means, "Windsor Massive."

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-Exactly, yes.

-LAUGHTER

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Although she has lost weight, recently.

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You're both right - we can have a look now.

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-May we ask your reaction to the wedding, please, sir?

-Obviously thrilled.

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Brilliant news, I'm just so happy for both of them.

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-They are so happy and...it's wicked.

-LAUGHTER

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You cut it before the "innit".

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Yo, 'nuff respect to the Prince's ho.

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RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

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What part of the royal wedding will cost £80 million?

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I'm willing to give you £80 million if we can move onto the next subject.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Do you know what I mean?

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£80 million for which bit of the... Is it the button holes?

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They are often quite expensive.

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Is it the flowers?

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That's much the same thing, really.

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No, including the flowers.

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Oh, we're expanding our answer.

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It's security.

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That's the answer, according to The Express.

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LAUGHTER

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Or, as we call them, the groom's family.

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In fact, all the papers went a bit engagement doolally across the board -

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who was particularly excited,

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-apart from Paul, of course?

-Exchange and Mart.

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They took the advert off the front page for the first time ever.

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Well, the Sun had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.

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The Daily Mirror had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.

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The Star had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.

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The Independent went with, "Ghost estates and broken lives, the human cost of the Irish crash."

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THEY know how to sell papers. LAUGHTER

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William and Kate have already been together for eight years,

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one of the longest lasting royal relationships since records began.

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The BBC news Online observed...

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And the 37th anniversary of his father's affair with Camilla.

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Ian and Clive, here's yours.

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It's not the royal wedding! People happy,

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it's the wedding. He's thrilled - "It's the wedding!"

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The whole country, they can't contain themselves!

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He's happy, it's the wedding.

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Nothing to do with the wedding, Ian!

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No, she's hoping the wedding goes well.

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Ah! He hasn't had enough chocolate. It's a wedding, it's be OK!

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And there's the groom.

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This is a new plan that the government...

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We're going to have statistics kept on how happy we are. Whether we've got a job,

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how much income we have.

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They've got some statistician who's going to come up with the questions.

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Question one - "Are you happy?" LAUGHTER

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Question two - "If you're not, shut up.

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"Stop whinging."

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What about the Irish money at the end there? The Irish disaster money.

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-What's that got to do with happiness?

-Ireland's going bust - by the time this goes out, it may have.

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A lot of people are saying, "Ireland's going bust, doesn't affect us,"

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but we've lent a vast amount of money to Ireland.

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Particularly my stupid bank.

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The clue is in the name.

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You're taking it very personally, Ian - they didn't do it to spite YOU.

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The government, our government,

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has got to pay about £7 billion to bail out Ireland.

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And that's the total of all the cuts that we've got this year.

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So we've got to save all this money and then give it to Ireland.

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Is there a flaw there somewhere?!

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They're refusing the money.

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They're refusing to take the money.

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You wait till the repeat.

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I think it's just like a drunk guy that's had a good time.

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They're just refusing anybody that's trying to help them up.

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"I'm fine!

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"I don't need your help, I'm fine!"

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David Cameron said...

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..said the multi-millionaire.

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I think they want us to measure how happy we are, he should travel the country with no security guards.

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How will those levels be assessed?

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Specially trained meerkats will be sent around the country...

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peering through people's letter boxes.

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We're going to shout "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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By means of a questionnaire to be drawn up by the Office For National Statistics...

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Oh, they can be right bastards.

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The National Office Of Statistics, 47% of them are real idiots.

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And the other 83 are just...incompetent.

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-Yeah.

-It's a very un-British idea that everyone should be happy.

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Everyone should just groan a bit and then bumble through.

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The idea that everyone goes around being happy?

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-One of...

-Name one good thing, Ian, that you like.

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-One good thing you like.

-That I like?

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There was a good programme on the other night called The History Of The National Grid.

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APPLAUSE

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That was good, wasn't it?

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So, Ireland then, or as the Sun called it on Tuesday...

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Anyone remember how The Independent described the Irish economy in 2004?

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Yes, I do. I have it written on a tea towel at home.

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APPLAUSE

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They said...

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And back again.

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And what did George Osborne say on a trip to Dublin in 2006?

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-He said, "We've got a lot to learn."

-That's along the right lines. He said...

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Bit worrying.

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Commentating on the state of Ireland's economy, one Irish businesswoman said...

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Except this time, the coded warning came in a phone call from the IMF,

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not to be con...

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not to be confused with the Real IMF or the Continuity IMF.

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APPLAUSE

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Who announced that he'll be heading south this week?

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-Gerry Adams.

-I was going to say the swallow in my garden, but that's...

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How did the swallow act to the impending news

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of the joyful union between two people?

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Well, he tweeted about it, so...

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APPLAUSE

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Paul, absolutely right.

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-(IRISH ACCENT:)

-Gerry Adams.

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-He's going to... Sorry.

-That was awfully good.

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Do you do any other impressions at all?

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No.

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Um...

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-You thought about it, didn't you?

-Yeah.

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I bet one of them's Basil Brush.

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-I'm tempted.

-I know. I can see it.

-Gerry Adams!

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He's going to stand for election to the Irish parliament.

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So, he won't be not attending our parliament any more.

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Adams is one of five Sinn Fein MPs

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who have claimed half-a-million pounds of taxpayers money

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in second-home allowances.

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Still, not the first time Gerry Adams has been accused of making a bomb.

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-Interesting.

-The minute you stray away from royal weddings

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and into actual satire...

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-they hate it.

-It's confusing, isn't it?

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They're worried their faces are going to be shown laughing.

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Meanwhile, who turned down an invitation to appear

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on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special this week?

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Yes?

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-LAUGHTER

-I don't know how you knew,

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but it was me.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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No, it was Vince Cable and Peter Mandelson.

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But there were plans to have a big political dance-off,

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get the whole argument about the economy sorted

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by Vince and Peter doing a rumba.

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Together?

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Yes! Don't want professionals involved, it's like politics.

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That would ruin it, um...

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You're right,

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Peter Mandelson, despite having said previously that he would love to,

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said no.

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Fickle.

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But never mind, Vince Cable has said he's interested.

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That's Vince Cable, the secretary of state for business.

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It's not like we're in the middle of a recession or anything.

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So, to Round Two - the picture spin quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers.

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BUZZ!

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Yes, Ian and Clive?

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I'm not sure that photo's real.

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Is it the Bee Gees?

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These are people that have been released this week.

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She's Aung San Suu Kyi who's the Burmese opposition leader,

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who's been in prison for 15 years

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and she's just been let out of house arrest...

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after a non-violent protest which seems to have worked - very exciting, terribly good news.

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Is it Paul and Rachel? They were pottering around in their boat

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and were taken by Somali pirates and they've been released.

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-Somebody paid their ransom.

-They asked for ransom, nothing happened, so they were put on eBay...

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They'll be home in time for the royal wedding,

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and that, for me, is the most important aspect of the story.

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One of the reasons they were released is that the pirates were bored.

0:19:240:19:27

They've held them for ages and it's not cost efficient.

0:19:270:19:29

The intermediary was a Somalian taxi driver, based in London.

0:19:290:19:33

No wonder they were kept waiting. They kept saying, "I'll be with you in 20 minutes."

0:19:330:19:38

APPLAUSE

0:19:380:19:41

It has been a good week for captives.

0:19:410:19:43

Aung San Suu Kyi was released after spending 15 of the last 21 years under house arrest.

0:19:430:19:47

What did she say when she emerged?

0:19:470:19:49

"Look at the state of the garden."

0:19:490:19:52

She said...

0:19:540:19:56

Well, bless her, she doesn't get out much.

0:19:590:20:02

That's something about house arrest - it's be all right.

0:20:020:20:05

She's won the respect of millions

0:20:050:20:08

and she can probably get a top score on Guitar Hero.

0:20:080:20:10

Who first hinted that she might be released?

0:20:130:20:17

-Is it somebody we've ever heard of?

-No.

0:20:170:20:20

That narrows it down. I can forget all the people I actually know.

0:20:200:20:23

-Is it a Burmese person?

-Mm-hm.

0:20:230:20:25

He's name's U Tin Oo.

0:20:250:20:28

So when you say Oo told us first that she was going to be released,

0:20:280:20:31

you were just stating a fact.

0:20:310:20:33

I think you've cornered the market in Burmese puns.

0:20:340:20:39

Fantastic news.

0:20:390:20:41

This is the joyous news of two long-awaited releases.

0:20:410:20:44

Aung San Suu Kyi had been held under house arrest for more than 15 years.

0:20:440:20:47

Her release comes shortly after Burmese elections in which the hated military junta

0:20:470:20:51

claimed victory over its two democratic rivals.

0:20:510:20:54

Honestly, what kind of country would allow so much power to go to the third most popular party?

0:20:540:20:59

This week also saw the release of the Chandlers,

0:21:020:21:04

a couple from Tunbridge Wells who were held captive by Somali pirates for over a year.

0:21:040:21:09

According to the Daily Mail, the London cabbie who negotiated the Chandlers' freedom...

0:21:090:21:13

So he spends half his time in a lawless, poverty-stricken wasteland...

0:21:160:21:20

Keep going!

0:21:200:21:21

..and the other half...

0:21:210:21:23

APPLAUSE

0:21:230:21:26

-(AS BRUCE FORSYTH:)

-And the other half...

0:21:290:21:33

in Somalia.

0:21:330:21:36

Right.

0:21:360:21:38

According to Max Clifford, the couple could make £1 million from TV interviews...

0:21:400:21:44

Then they really will be worth kidnapping.

0:21:490:21:52

Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.

0:21:540:21:56

BUZZER

0:21:590:22:01

That must be an old folk tradition.

0:22:010:22:03

Cultural treasures.

0:22:030:22:05

Like pig-stretching in Andover.

0:22:050:22:08

I'll tell you what it is.

0:22:080:22:10

It's this year's hopefuls vying for a place on UNESCO's list

0:22:100:22:13

of intangible cultural treasures.

0:22:130:22:16

The French are in with a good chance.

0:22:160:22:18

-Which of their traditions are they hoping to get on the list?

-Budgie-teasing.

0:22:180:22:22

Budgie-teasing in Provence.

0:22:220:22:23

-(FRENCH ACCENT:)

-You live in Provence,

0:22:230:22:26

you are a budgie.

0:22:260:22:28

-One of their traditions is art de la table.

-Oh, just eating.

0:22:280:22:32

Cooking and all that kind of stuff.

0:22:320:22:34

What cultural heritage is going on here?

0:22:340:22:36

This is a 648-year-old tradition.

0:22:360:22:39

-In Turkey.

-Is this wrestling?

0:22:390:22:41

You oil yourself before you wrestle.

0:22:410:22:44

It's Turkey's annual oil-wrestling festival.

0:22:440:22:46

According to promoters, it's...

0:22:460:22:48

That ought to do it.

0:22:490:22:53

Can anyone tell me what's going on here?

0:22:550:22:57

Is that another folk tradition?

0:22:570:22:59

This is queuing for the loo at the royal wedding.

0:22:590:23:02

Is it a series of rapid earthquakes that hit Chorlton-cum-Hardy in 1932?

0:23:050:23:11

It's hopping. This is Luxemburg's submission

0:23:110:23:14

to the UNESCO list of intangible cultural treasures.

0:23:140:23:19

Cultural treasure? Hopping?

0:23:190:23:21

Luxemburg? Hopping? I can't compute this.

0:23:210:23:24

Hopping, they haven't got a leg to stand on, have they?

0:23:240:23:28

It's ridiculous.

0:23:280:23:29

A centuries-old... A centuries-old religious ritual

0:23:290:23:34

where thousands of dancers linked by a chain of handkerchiefs

0:23:340:23:37

form a hopping procession through the streets.

0:23:370:23:40

And they say there's nothing to do in Luxemburg.

0:23:400:23:43

Croatia have a gingerbread, apparently, which I think is tangible.

0:23:440:23:48

It's not tangible, it's edible.

0:23:480:23:49

You can touch it and then eat it.

0:23:490:23:51

I'm not going to eat it once you've touched it.

0:23:510:23:54

Croatian throat singing.

0:23:540:23:57

We can have a little listen, if you'd like.

0:23:570:23:59

THEY HOWL A TUNE

0:23:590:24:04

Good to see Take That back together again.

0:24:210:24:26

These are the latest applicants for UNESCO's list of intangible cultural treasures.

0:24:260:24:31

One candidate for inclusion is French cuisine which boasts...

0:24:310:24:34

..and bits of horse.

0:24:390:24:41

UNESCO's intangible cultural heritage scheme

0:24:420:24:45

has been dismissed here as foreign nonsense -

0:24:450:24:48

a traditional British attitude which has been added to UNESCO's list.

0:24:480:24:52

APPLAUSE

0:24:540:24:55

Time now for the missing words round which features the guest publication...

0:24:550:25:00

..sister-publication of Chocolate Teapot magazine.

0:25:030:25:07

We start with...

0:25:070:25:09

Condom.

0:25:110:25:13

Hurts.

0:25:130:25:15

In a recent article on how to give a concrete canoe presentation,

0:25:220:25:27

the authors top tip is to use humour or, as they put it...

0:25:270:25:29

It gets me every time. Next...

0:25:370:25:41

Noses.

0:25:430:25:45

Drunken women.

0:25:450:25:47

Is it Eamonn Holmes?

0:25:510:25:52

-You can't say that.

-We can't say that.

-No mention of Eamonn Holmes and food.

0:25:540:25:59

If we do he comes down on you like a ton of bricks.

0:25:590:26:02

APPLAUSE

0:26:020:26:05

Fat people.

0:26:050:26:06

The answer is fat people.

0:26:060:26:08

There's a survey that found that fat people know where food is.

0:26:080:26:11

They smell it more than thin people.

0:26:110:26:14

Partly cos it's in their hand.

0:26:140:26:17

APPLAUSE

0:26:170:26:18

This is research that discovered the heavier someone is,

0:26:180:26:23

the more sensitive they are to the smell of food.

0:26:230:26:25

Oddly enough, not salad.

0:26:250:26:27

Next...

0:26:290:26:30

It had specially-flanged concrete to cut down on wind resistance.

0:26:380:26:42

It actually looked like a canoe.

0:26:430:26:45

Concrete Canoe magazine, designed for civil engineering students,

0:26:450:26:50

but is careful to appeal to the general reader as well.

0:26:500:26:52

For example, in the recent edition, the editor makes this light-hearted observation.

0:26:520:26:56

And finally...

0:27:000:27:01

Ill-advised sandals.

0:27:060:27:08

Michael Buble in a sack.

0:27:080:27:10

Is it him in a sack?

0:27:140:27:16

It's concrete guitar.

0:27:160:27:17

This was student Parker Sloan.

0:27:170:27:19

Here he is. It took him ten minutes to play three songs on it.

0:27:190:27:22

And 11 months to smash it against the speakers.

0:27:220:27:25

So the final scores

0:27:250:27:27

are Ian and Clive

0:27:270:27:28

on 7 and Paul and Kevin on 7.

0:27:280:27:34

APPLAUSE

0:27:340:27:37

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:27:410:27:44

Ian Hislop and Clive Anderson, Paul Merton and Kevin Bridges.

0:27:440:27:46

I leave you with news that in Oxfordshire, whilst taking a shower,

0:27:460:27:50

Bill Oddie forgets to close the bathroom curtains.

0:27:500:27:53

At a military parade in Kashmir,

0:27:590:28:01

one soldier battles to control a severe attack of cramp.

0:28:010:28:03

And at the Cenotaph, the minute's silence is marred by an erratic rendition of the Last Post.

0:28:070:28:13

Good night.

0:28:160:28:17

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0:28:410:28:44

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0:28:440:28:47

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