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APPLAUSE | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. In the news this week, | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
to show there are no hard feelings, | 0:00:42 | 0:00:43 | |
David Miliband takes his brother, Ed, for a ride in his new speedboat. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:47 | |
At the Commonwealth Games, organisers gather for the closing ceremony | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
and breathe a sigh of relief that nothing truly disastrous happened. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
IAN: Too soon? | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
And in Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy, the Kickbot, | 0:01:11 | 0:01:16 | |
admit it may have been a mistake to base the software on the England team's recent performance. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:21 | |
Using techniques I learnt filming Sherlock Holmes, | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
I can instantly deduce | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
that the woman on Ian's team is a columnist, presenter and poker player. How, you may ask? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:39 | |
Simply by looking at the card given to me by the researcher. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:43 | |
It's Victoria Coren. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Similarly, on Paul's team, "Some comedian bloke what was good last time he was on the show." | 0:01:50 | 0:01:57 | |
It's Jon Richardson. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
And we start with the bigger stories of the week. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
Paul and Jon, take a look at this. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
Oh, yes, this is the ongoing story as we speak. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
The happy news of the miners being released. Although, apparently viewers are getting | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
fed up with the coverage because it's all rather similar. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
So the last 15 miners are going to be part of a lottery game where they're holding up a number | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
and if you've got the number at home, it's your chance to win... SHOUTING | 0:02:23 | 0:02:27 | |
What was that? | 0:02:27 | 0:02:28 | |
Somebody winning the lottery. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
-People were gradually coming out of the mine one by one. -Yes. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
The ultimate feel-good story about the release of the trapped miners. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
And to everyone's delight, maybe except for Sky News, | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
who are probably hoping for a least a couple of tragic deaths. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
The numbers are fascinating, aren't they? | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
If you look at it, there are 33 of the miners, and they were released | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
on the 13th of the 10th, 2010, | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
which, if you take off the 2,000 and just add the 10, it adds up to 33. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:59 | |
So... | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
So if you're thinking of playing Chilean-miner bingo, think of that, you know? | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
"Here come number 15! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
"First time this week". | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
You know what the sequence of events was for each rescued miner? | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
They got in the thing, and they took them out, they got out of the thing. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
Pretty much. Erm... | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
-but also... -Embraced their relatives, then embraced the president, then go, | 0:03:24 | 0:03:30 | |
"Gracias, Chile" to the crowd, and then they got the next one up. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:35 | |
You don't get long in the limelight. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
Yeah. Their relatives, they went the day the thing collapsed, | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
and there are some relatives there the whole time. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
And that's why they've called it "Camp Hope", | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
which sounds like a rubbish name, and to think the alternative was "Mine Camp". | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
Not just the relatives, don't forget, the mistresses, | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
that was the big story a few weeks ago, | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
that women were starting to turn up who WEREN'T the wives. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
I assume that's why the miners all came out in sunglasses. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
But I was quite impressed because I thought, I don't know what they pay miners out there... | 0:04:07 | 0:04:12 | |
three dollars a month? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
And they've been able to support a wife, a family and a demanding Chilean mistress. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
Mind you, they've not spent much the last three months themselves. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
-Kept their pennies for Christmas. -They do get more attractive the longer they're down there. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:27 | |
A guy proposed to his wife before this happened and she said no, then she proposed to him | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
while he was trapped, which is basically her way of saying, "You know when I really fancy you? | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
"When you're buried underground. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
"I'll really love you when you're dead." | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
-Who's coming out of this well? -Everyone. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
It's not a well, it's a shaft. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
-Thank you very much. -We're off to a flying start. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
But the foreman's very heroic, isn't he? | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
Apparently he sorted them into groups and they played dominoes and they keep fit. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:59 | |
-Yeah, they kept fit. -They carried on mining as well. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
If this studio goes down, and someone said, | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
"Can you just carry on doing jokes for a few months while we sort this out?" | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
No. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
Do we know what's going to happen to the mine shaft, talking about money | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
-to be made from this? -It's being turned into a theme park. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
It'll be a fantastic ride. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
-Only one way. -It's quite slow. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
The queues are horrendous. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
It's likely to stay a mine since the drilling company | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
has discovered masses of reserves of gold and silver and copper during the rescue drilling. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:39 | |
-The Mail, The Daily Mail... -The voice of sanity. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
The voice of sanity, yes. They've criticised the... | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
"Foreigners down hole". | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Is the correct answer. 10 points. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
The Mail criticised the size of the BBC presence there. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
Do you know how big it was? | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
They can't find a tragedy that doesn't involve attacking the BBC. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:02 | |
"End of the world. BBC tried to cover it". | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
I don't know. It's a big story. I suppose the BBC sent quite a few people there. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:09 | |
They're probably moaning about the number of journalists. How many? 12? | 0:06:09 | 0:06:14 | |
-25? -25. -That's spot on. Very good. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
The 24-hour news channels have been enjoying this story, but there was | 0:06:16 | 0:06:20 | |
just a hint that they might be running out of things to say. Let's have a look. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
So far the only miner to emerge from the tube... | 0:06:25 | 0:06:29 | |
with a beard. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:30 | |
So, this is the amazing rescue of Los 33, the 33 Chilean miners. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:43 | |
One miner who may not be looking forward to returning | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
to the surface is Yonni Barrios, whose wife is furious after finding out he has a mistress. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:51 | |
Well, at least for the last 70 days she knows where he's been. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
According to The Times, the claustrophobic escape capsule takes 15 minutes to travel 700 metres. | 0:06:55 | 0:07:02 | |
If you want to imagine what that's like, take a trip on the Northern Line. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
Ian and Victoria, here are yours. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
Finishing touches. Spot the Balls. Two. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:15 | |
Ooh, Reservoir Postman. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
Another marriage. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
Hooray! We're going to be in debt for our whole lives. Oh, good(!) | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
Where do you want to start? A new Labour leader, that's very exciting. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
Let's start on the new Labour leader, shall we? | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
Let's look at some of the exciting faces in the new Labour cabinet, first of all. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
I'm worried about this bit. In my pre-recording anxiety dream, somebody asked me the question, | 0:07:35 | 0:07:40 | |
"Which one's Yvette Cooper and which one's Theresa May?", and I woke up screaming. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:45 | |
-It's going to happen now, isn't it? -It is going to happen now. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Victoria, who's this? | 0:07:48 | 0:07:49 | |
-It's neither of the two people you feared it might be. -Right. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
I'll give you a clue. It's Jim Murphy is his name and defence is his game. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
That's a pretty good clue. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
It's a good clue. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:01 | |
I feel I could almost make a guess after that clue. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Anybody know who this is? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
-Is that Mary Creagh? -Hooray! | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
-How do you know her? -Um, I read the papers. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
It's one of those little tricks after 300 years you pick up. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
They're all the same. Both Milibands, Clegg and Cameron, these identical... | 0:08:18 | 0:08:23 | |
Imagine being at school with them. They'd all be "that guy". | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
Can you imagine being at school with them, Ian? | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
Um... | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
Some of them. Not Ed, obviously, he went to a comprehensive. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
At least when it was Kinnock and Thatcher you knew the difference. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:42 | |
You can show us 18 pictures of these new cabinet ministers and shadow cabinet ones and... | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
I've only got one more. Who's this? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
Phil Miliband. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:51 | |
He's the even older brother. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
He was really cross when they both stood against him. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
No, this is Ivan Lewis. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Here is a familiar face. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Is that the woman that put the cat in the bin? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
This is Gillian Duffy, the woman who Gordon Brown was overheard calling bigoted. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:18 | |
She was at the Labour conference. She took the opportunity to have an in-depth discussion with Tony Benn. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:23 | |
Let's see how that went. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:24 | |
I've two grandchildren. I'm concerned of their future... | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
'Settling in for the speech, Mrs Duffy shared her thoughts with Tony Benn. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:31 | |
'Except he wasn't listening.' | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
He's gone to sleep! | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
That's the honest response, isn't it, to the public's opinions. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:49 | |
Clegg and Cameron were meant to be different - | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
leaders of opposing parties and they're becoming more identical by the day. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
Nick Clegg keeps saying, "It's the right government for the right time", | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
which I think is a seedy way to dignify opportunism. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:03 | |
He would have made a pact with the Klingons if it meant power. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
I don't know, I think the Klingon manifesto was pretty good. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
I disagree. The Klingons have shown in the past | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
they they're hellbent on world domination, so I'm glad the Liberal Democrats are in there with them. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:17 | |
And the Klingons always get the Lib Dems to make the policy announcements. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
Absolutely. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
If they're going to blow up a whole planet, they say, "Get the Lib Dem to announce it". | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
The Lib Dem party here is the equivalent of the guy on Star Trek | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
on the planet whom you've never seen before. He's the first one to get killed. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
That's the Liberal Democrats in this scenario. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
New shadow cabinet. Alan Johnson, you've already mentioned, was made shadow chancellor. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
What did he say his first act was going to be? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
He said his first act was going to read up an economics primer. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
I haven't made that up. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
He's paraphrased it just very slightly, but that's pretty much exactly what he said. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
Good luck, mate. Meanwhile... | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
There are two schools of thought on that. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
One is it's quite embarrassing to have your major office of state given to a man who has no maths O-level | 0:11:05 | 0:11:13 | |
and doesn't understand figures, but then, we did have Gordon Brown in charge, who WAS an economist, | 0:11:13 | 0:11:19 | |
and was meant to be very good with figures, and we're where we are now. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
So you take your pick. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:24 | |
I'll go for the postman. "The economy will recover, | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
"probably not today, maybe lunch time tomorrow." | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
At the Tory conference, Eric Pickles, the new Communities Secretary, was there. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
What were people betting Pickles would do at some point that week? | 0:11:36 | 0:11:41 | |
Get his own postal code? | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Go, "Bloody onion rings". | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
It was Ladbrokes and they were offering odds on him being spotted in a curry house in Birmingham | 0:11:52 | 0:11:57 | |
during the week at the conference. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
And what happened? Well, he spotted HIMSELF in a curry house | 0:11:59 | 0:12:05 | |
and posted the picture on Twitter. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Do you reckon when he goes for a curry he says to the waiter, "Can I have some poppadoms and... | 0:12:09 | 0:12:14 | |
"You haven't got any Pickles, have you?" | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
-Any one know the name of the curry house in question? -Edwina's Curries? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:23 | |
There is a restaurant in south-east London called The Taste Of Lewisham... | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
..which I'll say no more of. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
But I've never been tempted to pop in. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
There's another restaurant on the way to Stoke Newington, which has combined two words of "chicken" | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
and "pizza", and they've shortened them and put them together, and the place is called Chickpizz. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:47 | |
P-I double Z, Chickpizz. There's never anybody in there. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:53 | |
Because no matter how drunk you are, you still think..."Chickpizz." | 0:12:53 | 0:12:58 | |
But I'm sure it's lovely, in case a lawyer's watching. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
If he's not watching, I'm sure the food's awful. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
-Any one want to know the answer? -Yes, we do. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
And Boris Johnson was at the conference, too. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
Let's have a look at the masterful way Boris manages to deflect Paxman's questions. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
First, by throwing in baffling classical terms, and then hijacking the camera. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:25 | |
You chose this day of all days, on which so many families in this country | 0:13:25 | 0:13:29 | |
are going to be losing their child benefit, to say, "Let's not be beastly to bankers." | 0:13:29 | 0:13:35 | |
Well, I hesitate to accuse you of ignoratio elenchi. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:41 | |
-It says up there... -For the third time in this interview... | 0:13:41 | 0:13:45 | |
I mean, you are paid a very considerable sum | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
by the BBC, the quantity of which we have yet to discover. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
Of course, some ministers in the new government rely on more everyday terminology than Boris's. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
Here's Children's Minister Tim Loughton being asked about the child benefit cut. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:08 | |
I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced yesterday. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:12 | |
It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's fair, end of. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
-So it doesn't need a review, it doesn't need anything? -End of. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
-You said we're going to see what comes along later... -End of. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
-End of. -You're going to try and.... -End of. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:26 | |
Your career, end of. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
When I introduced him as the Children's Minister, it should have been the CHILDISH Minister. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:34 | |
End of when asked about child benefit cuts. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
It's horrible when they try and talk. The worst part was Cameron | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
when he was talking about the football with Merkel and he went, | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
"It's just dreadful watching them slot another one past our lads." | 0:14:42 | 0:14:46 | |
Eurgh! | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
It's like meeting a girlfriend's dad and him lean in and go, "So, do you like bums or titties?" | 0:14:48 | 0:14:54 | |
There have been two big policy rows recently, haven't there? | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
-Child benefit? -Yes. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
And how to pay for higher education. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
And, in one case, you're not going to get it above a certain level, and in | 0:15:05 | 0:15:12 | |
the other case, your children have to pay, so they're both solved. End of. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:17 | |
-Anyway, they saved a billion pounds. -OK, and they're spending £13 billion on a fortnight of sport in 2012. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:25 | |
-Yeah. Good point. -Sorry... | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Tuition fees. Raising the cap on fees could mean | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
students incurring twice the debt that they currently do. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
It's not funny, but it's topical. Nick Clegg's in a pickle about this. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
It is quite funny. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:42 | |
In what sense? | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
Well, the Lib Dems said before the election, "Absolutely, we will not raise tuition fees. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
"We all pledge we will not raise tuition fees." | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
And now, as a sign that they've become proper politicians, | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
they've abandoned that pledge and increased tuition fees. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
The man they got to review university fees has been given 18 honorary doctorates. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:06 | |
He's got no idea what it's like to get a degree because he keeps getting given them. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
The man they got to investigate public-finance waste, Philip Green, avoided £285 million worth of tax | 0:16:10 | 0:16:16 | |
by putting all his assets in his wife's name. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
They might as well just get Karen Matthews to do an investigation | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
into how families could further reach their budget in hard times. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
How can you trust a man whose tax bill is £285 million, goes "That's ridiculous, how would I pay that?" | 0:16:27 | 0:16:33 | |
You pay that because you earned £1.2 billion, you fat greedy shit. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:37 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
It's all change in British politics. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
Miliband has already appointed a radical new front-bench team. According to The Daily Telegraph... | 0:16:44 | 0:16:49 | |
With the exception of Boris Johnson when his wife comes home early. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
And they promised me I wouldn't be forced into doing any painful puns in light of a recent incarnation | 0:17:00 | 0:17:06 | |
of mine as Sherlock Holmes, so without any further ado, let's move on to round two. The round... | 0:17:06 | 0:17:12 | |
of the Baskervilles. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
Buzz when you know what the story is. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
HOWLING | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
Oh, is this toilets? | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
Yes, it's someone flushing my credibility down the loo. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:31 | |
-Is it to do with the Commonwealth Games? -It is. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
I was nearly interested in it this time. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
You know, there was loads of scandal, and the rooms fell down, | 0:17:35 | 0:17:39 | |
and there were dogs on the pitch and... | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
-Did you stop watching once the sport began? -Yeah. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
Originally in the village, they were worried, | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
because one of the inspectors said there was excrement where it shouldn't be. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:52 | |
Not a great description of your accommodation for the forthcoming weeks. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:58 | |
And then the toilet thing continued in that a number of the swimmers were ill | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
and had to finish swimming and then run to the toilet. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
The hundred-yard dash became the 150-yard dash. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
You know what I like? The organiser of the Commonwealth Games, | 0:18:09 | 0:18:13 | |
his speech for the opening ceremony, thanked Princess Diana for going. And I thought, | 0:18:13 | 0:18:19 | |
we know one thing about that man, he doesn't read the Daily Express. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
This is the Commonwealth Games, obviously, which aims to encourage | 0:18:23 | 0:18:27 | |
the spread of democracy, human rights, world peace and laughing at incompetent foreigners. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:32 | |
They weren't just incompetent, though, were they? | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
They weren't quite so sweet when you saw the attempts | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
to build the stadium on time, which involved very small children. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
They got some children to help. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
It's like Blue Peter when you send off for a badge to build guide dogs for the blind. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:49 | |
Were there any other problems with scoring and timekeeping? | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
There were problems with scoring and timekeeping. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
One boxer was ruled out of the games because he turned up 24 hours too late. | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
Somebody else was given a score of 104 in croquet, which is technically impossible. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:05 | |
This is extraordinary, though. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
No one could tell 400-metres runner Tom Druce if he had qualified for the semifinals, | 0:19:07 | 0:19:11 | |
so according to the Mirror... | 0:19:11 | 0:19:12 | |
He did qualify, though, didn't he? | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
Because that would be worse. Imagine having to phone your mum | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
saying, "Did I qualify?" | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
-LAUGHING: -"No!" | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
According to The Sun... | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
After which Prince Charles came out of the lavatory, saying... | 0:19:33 | 0:19:37 | |
.."I should never have drunk that tap water." | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
To boost audiences, the organisers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary-school children | 0:19:41 | 0:19:46 | |
which, sadly, they couldn't use as most of them couldn't get the time off work. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:50 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
HOWLING | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
This is the "Kim Jool-Ing", | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
whatever his name is, that's his son there | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
who he's had sewn on to his lapel. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
They sat in the Korean town square | 0:20:09 | 0:20:10 | |
and watched these idiots parading up and down with their boots... | 0:20:10 | 0:20:15 | |
Identical marching and stuff. Just a ludicrous display of conformity. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
Yes, is pretty much what this is about. Let's just get the North Korean names straight. Who's this? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:24 | |
That's Kim Il-Sung, the previous dictator. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:29 | |
That's Kim Jong-Il... | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
looking a little bit lonely... | 0:20:31 | 0:20:36 | |
Now for his son, Kim Jong-Un. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
He looks like he might bring hope and optimism to a beleaguered nation. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:47 | |
So who's this, then? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
It's not Danny Dyer. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
-Is that the other son? -It is the other son. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Kim Jong-Nam. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
He's not got the job as next dictator. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
-He's given to the other son. -Do you know why? | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
-Because the father didn't like him. -Do you know why? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
Was it the hat? | 0:21:07 | 0:21:08 | |
Is it because of the small lamp shade tied to his index finger? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
Because, a lot of fathers, that will put them right off you. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
"Hello, Daddy". | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
He wanted to visit Disneyland Tokyo. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
-Aww. -And there's another older brother, too. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
Kim Jong-Chul. Why is he not going to take over? | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
Is he dead? | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
No, he's said to be... | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Do we have a picture of him so we may judge this man? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
No, sadly not, but if you imagine the one with the lamp shade on the finger in a dress that might do it. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:44 | |
-Come back, come back. -Sorry. -Come back. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
I was right over the border then. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
In more ways than one. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
So, Kim Jong-Un has got the North Korean nod. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
-Should we have a look at him strutting his stuff? -Go on. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
Here he is. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:05 | |
He's getting a lick on. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
Is that the best we've got of him, walking from one bit to another bit, and that's it? | 0:22:11 | 0:22:15 | |
No one had heard of him until his father wheeled him out and said, "This is your new leader. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:19 | |
"I'm feeling a bit peaky." And he made him a four-star general one day and said the next day, "That's it. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:25 | |
-"He's going to take over". -How long has he been a public figure? -This week? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:29 | |
-Almost. Two weeks. -Two weeks? | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
-Yeah. -It's like the Milibands. You'd never heard of them, had you? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
His only chance... I mean, I know heaven really isn't here on Earth, | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
but can we possibly see that man crossing the car park one more time? | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
There's something so funny about it. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
I'm sure it will occur to us one day what it is. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:48 | |
Put the Benny Hill music on it. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
We can do that bit ourselves. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
When he comes on, go... Go! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
PAUL HUMS BENNY HILL TUNE | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
Where's the nurse in the suspenders? | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
So, ITV had a man in the field there, | 0:23:07 | 0:23:11 | |
and the intrepid reporter attempted to assess the relative popularity of the Kims. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:15 | |
Let's have a look how he did it. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:16 | |
There are no opinion polls in this country of dictators, | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
but I did get a chance to carry out and EXTREMELY unscientific measure of the young general's popularity. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:28 | |
Well, let's see how popular the new leader will be. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
Kim Jong-Sung. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Kim Jong-Il. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
Kim Jong-Un. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
Much more popular. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:44 | |
At least they applauded, though. It looked like they were excited. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
Can you imagine taking a group of British people and going, "David Cameron". | 0:23:52 | 0:23:56 | |
-"Nick Clegg". -BRIEF APPLAUSE | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
Ooh! | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
He actually is Nick Clegg. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
This is the unveiling of Kim Jong-Un as successor to Kim Jong-Il. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:09 | |
Chief of the North Korean army Ri Yong-Ho, had a message for the nation saying... | 0:24:09 | 0:24:14 | |
Adding, "LOL, smiley face, kiss, kiss." | 0:24:24 | 0:24:28 | |
Time now for the missing words round, which this week | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
features as its guest publication, the Pipe Club Of Norfolk newsletter. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:38 | |
I'd hate you to think the Pipe Club Of Norfolk is nothing more than a | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
bunch of rustic yokels with ruddy faces puffing away on silly-looking pipes, | 0:24:41 | 0:24:45 | |
but it is. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
And we start with... | 0:24:48 | 0:24:49 | |
I do anything for love, but I don't do that. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
I do occasionally use the first person pronoun instead of the normal "one", | 0:25:00 | 0:25:05 | |
but I don't like it. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
I do reign, but I don't rule. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
Constitutional joke. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
Glad you're with me there. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
No, the answer is, "I do get bored, but I don't let on". | 0:25:17 | 0:25:23 | |
Well, she just has. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
She did. At a recent state banquet, Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Queen if she ever got bored. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:29 | |
The Queen replied, "Yes, but I don't let on." | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
She then yawned and fell asleep in her soup. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
Next... | 0:25:35 | 0:25:36 | |
Treble 18, single eleven, double top. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
Ended with multiple injuries due to difficulty of throwing darts | 0:25:44 | 0:25:48 | |
in a smoky room. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
They have to smoke outside, apparently. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
They don't have to throw the darts through the window, do they? | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
Ended with no harm done by a group of eccentric, but essentially quite pleasant people. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:06 | |
Ended with disappointment as nobody remembered to bring the board. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
That is a proper headline. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
You'd expect complimentary sandwiches, too, would be welcome. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
"Hello, how did you do? | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
"Did you win? I'm made of cheese." | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
The darts tournament was won by Len, who celebrated the only way pipe smokers know how, | 0:26:29 | 0:26:33 | |
with a damn good shag. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
Next... | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
Huge mirror in the sky. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
Was it going to be disastrous drop in pipe sales? | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
It is something do with pipes. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
Plastic pipes. Cardboard pipes. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
-Similar. -Cardboard pipes?! | 0:26:54 | 0:26:58 | |
They're cheap and dangerous. | 0:26:58 | 0:26:59 | |
That's a design flaw. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
It's like having fireworks that fit in your trousers. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
I got that. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
So, next... | 0:27:16 | 0:27:17 | |
The wife. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
Is this a footballer? Is it hookers is bad...? | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
This is a woman who shops so much at IKEA that her marriage has collapsed. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:40 | |
So the final scores are, Ian and Victoria, five, and Paul and Jon, six. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:51 | |
Boo. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
And I leave you with news that at a London sperm clinic, | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
another delivery is safely handed over by the star donor. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
In Chile, at a slightly smaller mining disaster, the rescue operation is not quite so hi tech. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:11 | |
And in London, a clear-the-air meeting begins to falter | 0:28:14 | 0:28:18 | |
as the debate turns once again to who broke the plastic horse in Buckaroo? | 0:28:18 | 0:28:23 | |
Good night. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:32 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:56 | 0:28:59 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:59 | 0:29:03 |