Episode 1 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 1

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Benedict Cumberbatch, and guest panelists Victoria Coren and Jon Richardson.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. In the news this week,

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to show there are no hard feelings,

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David Miliband takes his brother, Ed, for a ride in his new speedboat.

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At the Commonwealth Games, organisers gather for the closing ceremony

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and breathe a sigh of relief that nothing truly disastrous happened.

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IAN: Too soon?

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And in Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy, the Kickbot,

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admit it may have been a mistake to base the software on the England team's recent performance.

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Using techniques I learnt filming Sherlock Holmes,

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I can instantly deduce

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that the woman on Ian's team is a columnist, presenter and poker player. How, you may ask?

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Simply by looking at the card given to me by the researcher.

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It's Victoria Coren.

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APPLAUSE

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Similarly, on Paul's team, "Some comedian bloke what was good last time he was on the show."

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It's Jon Richardson.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Jon, take a look at this.

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Oh, yes, this is the ongoing story as we speak.

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The happy news of the miners being released. Although, apparently viewers are getting

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fed up with the coverage because it's all rather similar.

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So the last 15 miners are going to be part of a lottery game where they're holding up a number

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and if you've got the number at home, it's your chance to win... SHOUTING

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What was that?

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Somebody winning the lottery.

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-People were gradually coming out of the mine one by one.

-Yes.

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The ultimate feel-good story about the release of the trapped miners.

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And to everyone's delight, maybe except for Sky News,

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who are probably hoping for a least a couple of tragic deaths.

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The numbers are fascinating, aren't they?

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If you look at it, there are 33 of the miners, and they were released

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on the 13th of the 10th, 2010,

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which, if you take off the 2,000 and just add the 10, it adds up to 33.

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So...

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So if you're thinking of playing Chilean-miner bingo, think of that, you know?

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"Here come number 15!

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"First time this week".

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You know what the sequence of events was for each rescued miner?

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They got in the thing, and they took them out, they got out of the thing.

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Pretty much. Erm...

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-but also...

-Embraced their relatives, then embraced the president, then go,

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"Gracias, Chile" to the crowd, and then they got the next one up.

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You don't get long in the limelight.

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Yeah. Their relatives, they went the day the thing collapsed,

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and there are some relatives there the whole time.

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And that's why they've called it "Camp Hope",

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which sounds like a rubbish name, and to think the alternative was "Mine Camp".

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Not just the relatives, don't forget, the mistresses,

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that was the big story a few weeks ago,

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that women were starting to turn up who WEREN'T the wives.

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I assume that's why the miners all came out in sunglasses.

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But I was quite impressed because I thought, I don't know what they pay miners out there...

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three dollars a month?

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And they've been able to support a wife, a family and a demanding Chilean mistress.

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Mind you, they've not spent much the last three months themselves.

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-Kept their pennies for Christmas.

-They do get more attractive the longer they're down there.

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A guy proposed to his wife before this happened and she said no, then she proposed to him

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while he was trapped, which is basically her way of saying, "You know when I really fancy you?

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"When you're buried underground.

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"I'll really love you when you're dead."

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-Who's coming out of this well?

-Everyone.

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It's not a well, it's a shaft.

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-Thank you very much.

-We're off to a flying start.

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But the foreman's very heroic, isn't he?

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Apparently he sorted them into groups and they played dominoes and they keep fit.

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-Yeah, they kept fit.

-They carried on mining as well.

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If this studio goes down, and someone said,

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"Can you just carry on doing jokes for a few months while we sort this out?"

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No.

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Do we know what's going to happen to the mine shaft, talking about money

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-to be made from this?

-It's being turned into a theme park.

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It'll be a fantastic ride.

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-Only one way.

-It's quite slow.

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The queues are horrendous.

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It's likely to stay a mine since the drilling company

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has discovered masses of reserves of gold and silver and copper during the rescue drilling.

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-The Mail, The Daily Mail...

-The voice of sanity.

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The voice of sanity, yes. They've criticised the...

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"Foreigners down hole".

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Is the correct answer. 10 points.

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The Mail criticised the size of the BBC presence there.

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Do you know how big it was?

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They can't find a tragedy that doesn't involve attacking the BBC.

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"End of the world. BBC tried to cover it".

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I don't know. It's a big story. I suppose the BBC sent quite a few people there.

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They're probably moaning about the number of journalists. How many? 12?

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-25?

-25.

-That's spot on. Very good.

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The 24-hour news channels have been enjoying this story, but there was

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just a hint that they might be running out of things to say. Let's have a look.

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So far the only miner to emerge from the tube...

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with a beard.

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So, this is the amazing rescue of Los 33, the 33 Chilean miners.

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One miner who may not be looking forward to returning

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to the surface is Yonni Barrios, whose wife is furious after finding out he has a mistress.

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Well, at least for the last 70 days she knows where he's been.

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According to The Times, the claustrophobic escape capsule takes 15 minutes to travel 700 metres.

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If you want to imagine what that's like, take a trip on the Northern Line.

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Ian and Victoria, here are yours.

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Finishing touches. Spot the Balls. Two.

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Ooh, Reservoir Postman.

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Another marriage.

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Hooray! We're going to be in debt for our whole lives. Oh, good(!)

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Where do you want to start? A new Labour leader, that's very exciting.

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Let's start on the new Labour leader, shall we?

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Let's look at some of the exciting faces in the new Labour cabinet, first of all.

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I'm worried about this bit. In my pre-recording anxiety dream, somebody asked me the question,

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"Which one's Yvette Cooper and which one's Theresa May?", and I woke up screaming.

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-It's going to happen now, isn't it?

-It is going to happen now.

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Victoria, who's this?

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-It's neither of the two people you feared it might be.

-Right.

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I'll give you a clue. It's Jim Murphy is his name and defence is his game.

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That's a pretty good clue.

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It's a good clue.

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I feel I could almost make a guess after that clue.

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Anybody know who this is?

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-Is that Mary Creagh?

-Hooray!

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-How do you know her?

-Um, I read the papers.

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Oh, yeah.

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It's one of those little tricks after 300 years you pick up.

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They're all the same. Both Milibands, Clegg and Cameron, these identical...

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Imagine being at school with them. They'd all be "that guy".

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Can you imagine being at school with them, Ian?

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Um...

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Some of them. Not Ed, obviously, he went to a comprehensive.

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At least when it was Kinnock and Thatcher you knew the difference.

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You can show us 18 pictures of these new cabinet ministers and shadow cabinet ones and...

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I've only got one more. Who's this?

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Phil Miliband.

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He's the even older brother.

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He was really cross when they both stood against him.

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No, this is Ivan Lewis.

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Here is a familiar face.

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Is that the woman that put the cat in the bin?

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This is Gillian Duffy, the woman who Gordon Brown was overheard calling bigoted.

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She was at the Labour conference. She took the opportunity to have an in-depth discussion with Tony Benn.

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Let's see how that went.

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I've two grandchildren. I'm concerned of their future...

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'Settling in for the speech, Mrs Duffy shared her thoughts with Tony Benn.

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'Except he wasn't listening.'

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He's gone to sleep!

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That's the honest response, isn't it, to the public's opinions.

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Clegg and Cameron were meant to be different -

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leaders of opposing parties and they're becoming more identical by the day.

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Nick Clegg keeps saying, "It's the right government for the right time",

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which I think is a seedy way to dignify opportunism.

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He would have made a pact with the Klingons if it meant power.

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I don't know, I think the Klingon manifesto was pretty good.

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I disagree. The Klingons have shown in the past

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they they're hellbent on world domination, so I'm glad the Liberal Democrats are in there with them.

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And the Klingons always get the Lib Dems to make the policy announcements.

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Absolutely.

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If they're going to blow up a whole planet, they say, "Get the Lib Dem to announce it".

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The Lib Dem party here is the equivalent of the guy on Star Trek

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on the planet whom you've never seen before. He's the first one to get killed.

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That's the Liberal Democrats in this scenario.

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New shadow cabinet. Alan Johnson, you've already mentioned, was made shadow chancellor.

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What did he say his first act was going to be?

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He said his first act was going to read up an economics primer.

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I haven't made that up.

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He's paraphrased it just very slightly, but that's pretty much exactly what he said.

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Good luck, mate. Meanwhile...

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There are two schools of thought on that.

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One is it's quite embarrassing to have your major office of state given to a man who has no maths O-level

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and doesn't understand figures, but then, we did have Gordon Brown in charge, who WAS an economist,

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and was meant to be very good with figures, and we're where we are now.

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So you take your pick.

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I'll go for the postman. "The economy will recover,

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"probably not today, maybe lunch time tomorrow."

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At the Tory conference, Eric Pickles, the new Communities Secretary, was there.

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What were people betting Pickles would do at some point that week?

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Get his own postal code?

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Go, "Bloody onion rings".

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It was Ladbrokes and they were offering odds on him being spotted in a curry house in Birmingham

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during the week at the conference.

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And what happened? Well, he spotted HIMSELF in a curry house

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and posted the picture on Twitter.

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Do you reckon when he goes for a curry he says to the waiter, "Can I have some poppadoms and...

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"You haven't got any Pickles, have you?"

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-Any one know the name of the curry house in question?

-Edwina's Curries?

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There is a restaurant in south-east London called The Taste Of Lewisham...

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..which I'll say no more of.

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But I've never been tempted to pop in.

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There's another restaurant on the way to Stoke Newington, which has combined two words of "chicken"

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and "pizza", and they've shortened them and put them together, and the place is called Chickpizz.

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P-I double Z, Chickpizz. There's never anybody in there.

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Because no matter how drunk you are, you still think..."Chickpizz."

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But I'm sure it's lovely, in case a lawyer's watching.

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If he's not watching, I'm sure the food's awful.

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-Any one want to know the answer?

-Yes, we do.

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And Boris Johnson was at the conference, too.

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Let's have a look at the masterful way Boris manages to deflect Paxman's questions.

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First, by throwing in baffling classical terms, and then hijacking the camera.

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You chose this day of all days, on which so many families in this country

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are going to be losing their child benefit, to say, "Let's not be beastly to bankers."

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Well, I hesitate to accuse you of ignoratio elenchi.

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-It says up there...

-For the third time in this interview...

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I mean, you are paid a very considerable sum

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by the BBC, the quantity of which we have yet to discover.

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Of course, some ministers in the new government rely on more everyday terminology than Boris's.

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Here's Children's Minister Tim Loughton being asked about the child benefit cut.

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I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced yesterday.

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It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's fair, end of.

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-So it doesn't need a review, it doesn't need anything?

-End of.

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-You said we're going to see what comes along later...

-End of.

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-End of.

-You're going to try and....

-End of.

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Your career, end of.

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When I introduced him as the Children's Minister, it should have been the CHILDISH Minister.

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End of when asked about child benefit cuts.

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It's horrible when they try and talk. The worst part was Cameron

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when he was talking about the football with Merkel and he went,

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"It's just dreadful watching them slot another one past our lads."

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Eurgh!

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It's like meeting a girlfriend's dad and him lean in and go, "So, do you like bums or titties?"

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There have been two big policy rows recently, haven't there?

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-Child benefit?

-Yes.

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And how to pay for higher education.

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And, in one case, you're not going to get it above a certain level, and in

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the other case, your children have to pay, so they're both solved. End of.

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-Anyway, they saved a billion pounds.

-OK, and they're spending £13 billion on a fortnight of sport in 2012.

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-Yeah. Good point.

-Sorry...

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Tuition fees. Raising the cap on fees could mean

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students incurring twice the debt that they currently do.

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It's not funny, but it's topical. Nick Clegg's in a pickle about this.

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It is quite funny.

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In what sense?

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Well, the Lib Dems said before the election, "Absolutely, we will not raise tuition fees.

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"We all pledge we will not raise tuition fees."

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And now, as a sign that they've become proper politicians,

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they've abandoned that pledge and increased tuition fees.

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The man they got to review university fees has been given 18 honorary doctorates.

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He's got no idea what it's like to get a degree because he keeps getting given them.

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The man they got to investigate public-finance waste, Philip Green, avoided £285 million worth of tax

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by putting all his assets in his wife's name.

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They might as well just get Karen Matthews to do an investigation

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into how families could further reach their budget in hard times.

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How can you trust a man whose tax bill is £285 million, goes "That's ridiculous, how would I pay that?"

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You pay that because you earned £1.2 billion, you fat greedy shit.

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APPLAUSE

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It's all change in British politics.

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Miliband has already appointed a radical new front-bench team. According to The Daily Telegraph...

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With the exception of Boris Johnson when his wife comes home early.

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And they promised me I wouldn't be forced into doing any painful puns in light of a recent incarnation

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of mine as Sherlock Holmes, so without any further ado, let's move on to round two. The round...

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of the Baskervilles.

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Buzz when you know what the story is.

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HOWLING

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Oh, is this toilets?

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Yes, it's someone flushing my credibility down the loo.

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-Is it to do with the Commonwealth Games?

-It is.

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I was nearly interested in it this time.

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You know, there was loads of scandal, and the rooms fell down,

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and there were dogs on the pitch and...

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-Did you stop watching once the sport began?

-Yeah.

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Originally in the village, they were worried,

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because one of the inspectors said there was excrement where it shouldn't be.

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Not a great description of your accommodation for the forthcoming weeks.

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And then the toilet thing continued in that a number of the swimmers were ill

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and had to finish swimming and then run to the toilet.

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The hundred-yard dash became the 150-yard dash.

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You know what I like? The organiser of the Commonwealth Games,

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his speech for the opening ceremony, thanked Princess Diana for going. And I thought,

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we know one thing about that man, he doesn't read the Daily Express.

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This is the Commonwealth Games, obviously, which aims to encourage

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the spread of democracy, human rights, world peace and laughing at incompetent foreigners.

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They weren't just incompetent, though, were they?

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They weren't quite so sweet when you saw the attempts

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to build the stadium on time, which involved very small children.

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They got some children to help.

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It's like Blue Peter when you send off for a badge to build guide dogs for the blind.

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Were there any other problems with scoring and timekeeping?

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There were problems with scoring and timekeeping.

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One boxer was ruled out of the games because he turned up 24 hours too late.

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Somebody else was given a score of 104 in croquet, which is technically impossible.

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This is extraordinary, though.

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No one could tell 400-metres runner Tom Druce if he had qualified for the semifinals,

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so according to the Mirror...

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He did qualify, though, didn't he?

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Because that would be worse. Imagine having to phone your mum

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saying, "Did I qualify?"

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-LAUGHING:

-"No!"

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According to The Sun...

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After which Prince Charles came out of the lavatory, saying...

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.."I should never have drunk that tap water."

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To boost audiences, the organisers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary-school children

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which, sadly, they couldn't use as most of them couldn't get the time off work.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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HOWLING

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This is the "Kim Jool-Ing",

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whatever his name is, that's his son there

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who he's had sewn on to his lapel.

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They sat in the Korean town square

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and watched these idiots parading up and down with their boots...

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Identical marching and stuff. Just a ludicrous display of conformity.

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Yes, is pretty much what this is about. Let's just get the North Korean names straight. Who's this?

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That's Kim Il-Sung, the previous dictator.

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That's Kim Jong-Il...

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looking a little bit lonely...

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Now for his son, Kim Jong-Un.

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He looks like he might bring hope and optimism to a beleaguered nation.

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So who's this, then?

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It's not Danny Dyer.

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-Is that the other son?

-It is the other son.

0:20:550:20:58

Kim Jong-Nam.

0:20:580:21:00

He's not got the job as next dictator.

0:21:000:21:02

-He's given to the other son.

-Do you know why?

0:21:020:21:04

-Because the father didn't like him.

-Do you know why?

0:21:040:21:07

Was it the hat?

0:21:070:21:08

Is it because of the small lamp shade tied to his index finger?

0:21:110:21:14

Because, a lot of fathers, that will put them right off you.

0:21:160:21:19

"Hello, Daddy".

0:21:190:21:21

He wanted to visit Disneyland Tokyo.

0:21:210:21:25

-Aww.

-And there's another older brother, too.

0:21:250:21:27

Kim Jong-Chul. Why is he not going to take over?

0:21:270:21:30

Is he dead?

0:21:300:21:33

No, he's said to be...

0:21:330:21:35

Do we have a picture of him so we may judge this man?

0:21:370:21:39

No, sadly not, but if you imagine the one with the lamp shade on the finger in a dress that might do it.

0:21:390:21:44

-Come back, come back.

-Sorry.

-Come back.

0:21:500:21:52

I was right over the border then.

0:21:520:21:55

In more ways than one.

0:21:550:21:57

So, Kim Jong-Un has got the North Korean nod.

0:21:570:22:01

-Should we have a look at him strutting his stuff?

-Go on.

0:22:010:22:03

Here he is.

0:22:040:22:05

He's getting a lick on.

0:22:080:22:11

Is that the best we've got of him, walking from one bit to another bit, and that's it?

0:22:110:22:15

No one had heard of him until his father wheeled him out and said, "This is your new leader.

0:22:150:22:19

"I'm feeling a bit peaky." And he made him a four-star general one day and said the next day, "That's it.

0:22:190:22:25

-"He's going to take over".

-How long has he been a public figure?

-This week?

0:22:250:22:29

-Almost. Two weeks.

-Two weeks?

0:22:290:22:31

-Yeah.

-It's like the Milibands. You'd never heard of them, had you?

0:22:310:22:35

His only chance... I mean, I know heaven really isn't here on Earth,

0:22:350:22:39

but can we possibly see that man crossing the car park one more time?

0:22:390:22:42

There's something so funny about it.

0:22:420:22:44

I'm sure it will occur to us one day what it is.

0:22:440:22:48

Put the Benny Hill music on it.

0:22:480:22:50

We can do that bit ourselves.

0:22:500:22:52

When he comes on, go... Go!

0:22:520:22:55

PAUL HUMS BENNY HILL TUNE

0:22:550:22:58

Where's the nurse in the suspenders?

0:23:030:23:06

So, ITV had a man in the field there,

0:23:070:23:11

and the intrepid reporter attempted to assess the relative popularity of the Kims.

0:23:110:23:15

Let's have a look how he did it.

0:23:150:23:16

There are no opinion polls in this country of dictators,

0:23:160:23:20

but I did get a chance to carry out and EXTREMELY unscientific measure of the young general's popularity.

0:23:200:23:28

Well, let's see how popular the new leader will be.

0:23:280:23:32

Kim Jong-Sung.

0:23:320:23:34

Kim Jong-Il.

0:23:360:23:38

Kim Jong-Un.

0:23:380:23:40

Much more popular.

0:23:430:23:44

At least they applauded, though. It looked like they were excited.

0:23:490:23:52

Can you imagine taking a group of British people and going, "David Cameron".

0:23:520:23:56

-"Nick Clegg".

-BRIEF APPLAUSE

0:23:570:23:59

Ooh!

0:23:590:24:01

He actually is Nick Clegg.

0:24:010:24:04

This is the unveiling of Kim Jong-Un as successor to Kim Jong-Il.

0:24:040:24:09

Chief of the North Korean army Ri Yong-Ho, had a message for the nation saying...

0:24:090:24:14

Adding, "LOL, smiley face, kiss, kiss."

0:24:240:24:28

Time now for the missing words round, which this week

0:24:290:24:32

features as its guest publication, the Pipe Club Of Norfolk newsletter.

0:24:320:24:38

I'd hate you to think the Pipe Club Of Norfolk is nothing more than a

0:24:380:24:41

bunch of rustic yokels with ruddy faces puffing away on silly-looking pipes,

0:24:410:24:45

but it is.

0:24:450:24:46

And we start with...

0:24:480:24:49

I do anything for love, but I don't do that.

0:24:540:24:57

I do occasionally use the first person pronoun instead of the normal "one",

0:25:000:25:05

but I don't like it.

0:25:050:25:07

I do reign, but I don't rule.

0:25:080:25:11

Constitutional joke.

0:25:110:25:13

Glad you're with me there.

0:25:140:25:17

No, the answer is, "I do get bored, but I don't let on".

0:25:170:25:23

Well, she just has.

0:25:230:25:25

She did. At a recent state banquet, Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Queen if she ever got bored.

0:25:250:25:29

The Queen replied, "Yes, but I don't let on."

0:25:290:25:32

She then yawned and fell asleep in her soup.

0:25:320:25:34

Next...

0:25:350:25:36

Treble 18, single eleven, double top.

0:25:400:25:42

Ended with multiple injuries due to difficulty of throwing darts

0:25:440:25:48

in a smoky room.

0:25:480:25:50

They have to smoke outside, apparently.

0:25:500:25:53

They don't have to throw the darts through the window, do they?

0:25:560:26:00

Ended with no harm done by a group of eccentric, but essentially quite pleasant people.

0:26:000:26:06

Ended with disappointment as nobody remembered to bring the board.

0:26:060:26:09

That is a proper headline.

0:26:160:26:18

You'd expect complimentary sandwiches, too, would be welcome.

0:26:180:26:21

"Hello, how did you do?

0:26:210:26:24

"Did you win? I'm made of cheese."

0:26:240:26:26

The darts tournament was won by Len, who celebrated the only way pipe smokers know how,

0:26:290:26:33

with a damn good shag.

0:26:330:26:36

Next...

0:26:370:26:38

Huge mirror in the sky.

0:26:410:26:44

Was it going to be disastrous drop in pipe sales?

0:26:470:26:50

It is something do with pipes.

0:26:500:26:52

Plastic pipes. Cardboard pipes.

0:26:520:26:54

-Similar.

-Cardboard pipes?!

0:26:540:26:58

They're cheap and dangerous.

0:26:580:26:59

That's a design flaw.

0:26:590:27:01

It's like having fireworks that fit in your trousers.

0:27:010:27:04

I got that.

0:27:040:27:06

So, next...

0:27:160:27:17

The wife.

0:27:210:27:23

Is this a footballer? Is it hookers is bad...?

0:27:250:27:29

This is a woman who shops so much at IKEA that her marriage has collapsed.

0:27:360:27:40

So the final scores are, Ian and Victoria, five, and Paul and Jon, six.

0:27:430:27:51

Boo.

0:27:520:27:54

And I leave you with news that at a London sperm clinic,

0:27:560:27:59

another delivery is safely handed over by the star donor.

0:27:590:28:02

In Chile, at a slightly smaller mining disaster, the rescue operation is not quite so hi tech.

0:28:060:28:11

And in London, a clear-the-air meeting begins to falter

0:28:140:28:18

as the debate turns once again to who broke the plastic horse in Buckaroo?

0:28:180:28:23

Good night.

0:28:310:28:32

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:560:28:59

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:590:29:03