Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Benedict Cumberbatch, and guest panelists Victoria Coren and Jon Richardson.
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Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. In the news this week,
to show there are no hard feelings,
David Miliband takes his brother, Ed, for a ride in his new speedboat.
At the Commonwealth Games, organisers gather for the closing ceremony
and breathe a sigh of relief that nothing truly disastrous happened.
IAN: Too soon?
And in Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy, the Kickbot,
admit it may have been a mistake to base the software on the England team's recent performance.
Using techniques I learnt filming Sherlock Holmes,
I can instantly deduce
that the woman on Ian's team is a columnist, presenter and poker player. How, you may ask?
Simply by looking at the card given to me by the researcher.
It's Victoria Coren.
Similarly, on Paul's team, "Some comedian bloke what was good last time he was on the show."
It's Jon Richardson.
And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
Paul and Jon, take a look at this.
Oh, yes, this is the ongoing story as we speak.
The happy news of the miners being released. Although, apparently viewers are getting
fed up with the coverage because it's all rather similar.
So the last 15 miners are going to be part of a lottery game where they're holding up a number
and if you've got the number at home, it's your chance to win... SHOUTING
What was that?
Somebody winning the lottery.
-People were gradually coming out of the mine one by one.
The ultimate feel-good story about the release of the trapped miners.
And to everyone's delight, maybe except for Sky News,
who are probably hoping for a least a couple of tragic deaths.
The numbers are fascinating, aren't they?
If you look at it, there are 33 of the miners, and they were released
on the 13th of the 10th, 2010,
which, if you take off the 2,000 and just add the 10, it adds up to 33.
So if you're thinking of playing Chilean-miner bingo, think of that, you know?
"Here come number 15!
"First time this week".
You know what the sequence of events was for each rescued miner?
They got in the thing, and they took them out, they got out of the thing.
Pretty much. Erm...
-Embraced their relatives, then embraced the president, then go,
"Gracias, Chile" to the crowd, and then they got the next one up.
You don't get long in the limelight.
Yeah. Their relatives, they went the day the thing collapsed,
and there are some relatives there the whole time.
And that's why they've called it "Camp Hope",
which sounds like a rubbish name, and to think the alternative was "Mine Camp".
Not just the relatives, don't forget, the mistresses,
that was the big story a few weeks ago,
that women were starting to turn up who WEREN'T the wives.
I assume that's why the miners all came out in sunglasses.
But I was quite impressed because I thought, I don't know what they pay miners out there...
three dollars a month?
And they've been able to support a wife, a family and a demanding Chilean mistress.
Mind you, they've not spent much the last three months themselves.
-Kept their pennies for Christmas.
-They do get more attractive the longer they're down there.
A guy proposed to his wife before this happened and she said no, then she proposed to him
while he was trapped, which is basically her way of saying, "You know when I really fancy you?
"When you're buried underground.
"I'll really love you when you're dead."
-Who's coming out of this well?
It's not a well, it's a shaft.
-Thank you very much.
-We're off to a flying start.
But the foreman's very heroic, isn't he?
Apparently he sorted them into groups and they played dominoes and they keep fit.
-Yeah, they kept fit.
-They carried on mining as well.
If this studio goes down, and someone said,
"Can you just carry on doing jokes for a few months while we sort this out?"
Do we know what's going to happen to the mine shaft, talking about money
-to be made from this?
-It's being turned into a theme park.
It'll be a fantastic ride.
-Only one way.
-It's quite slow.
The queues are horrendous.
It's likely to stay a mine since the drilling company
has discovered masses of reserves of gold and silver and copper during the rescue drilling.
-The Mail, The Daily Mail...
-The voice of sanity.
The voice of sanity, yes. They've criticised the...
"Foreigners down hole".
Is the correct answer. 10 points.
The Mail criticised the size of the BBC presence there.
Do you know how big it was?
They can't find a tragedy that doesn't involve attacking the BBC.
"End of the world. BBC tried to cover it".
I don't know. It's a big story. I suppose the BBC sent quite a few people there.
They're probably moaning about the number of journalists. How many? 12?
-That's spot on. Very good.
The 24-hour news channels have been enjoying this story, but there was
just a hint that they might be running out of things to say. Let's have a look.
So far the only miner to emerge from the tube...
with a beard.
So, this is the amazing rescue of Los 33, the 33 Chilean miners.
One miner who may not be looking forward to returning
to the surface is Yonni Barrios, whose wife is furious after finding out he has a mistress.
Well, at least for the last 70 days she knows where he's been.
According to The Times, the claustrophobic escape capsule takes 15 minutes to travel 700 metres.
If you want to imagine what that's like, take a trip on the Northern Line.
Ian and Victoria, here are yours.
Finishing touches. Spot the Balls. Two.
Ooh, Reservoir Postman.
Hooray! We're going to be in debt for our whole lives. Oh, good(!)
Where do you want to start? A new Labour leader, that's very exciting.
Let's start on the new Labour leader, shall we?
Let's look at some of the exciting faces in the new Labour cabinet, first of all.
I'm worried about this bit. In my pre-recording anxiety dream, somebody asked me the question,
"Which one's Yvette Cooper and which one's Theresa May?", and I woke up screaming.
-It's going to happen now, isn't it?
-It is going to happen now.
Victoria, who's this?
-It's neither of the two people you feared it might be.
I'll give you a clue. It's Jim Murphy is his name and defence is his game.
That's a pretty good clue.
It's a good clue.
I feel I could almost make a guess after that clue.
Anybody know who this is?
-Is that Mary Creagh?
-How do you know her?
-Um, I read the papers.
It's one of those little tricks after 300 years you pick up.
They're all the same. Both Milibands, Clegg and Cameron, these identical...
Imagine being at school with them. They'd all be "that guy".
Can you imagine being at school with them, Ian?
Some of them. Not Ed, obviously, he went to a comprehensive.
At least when it was Kinnock and Thatcher you knew the difference.
You can show us 18 pictures of these new cabinet ministers and shadow cabinet ones and...
I've only got one more. Who's this?
He's the even older brother.
He was really cross when they both stood against him.
No, this is Ivan Lewis.
Here is a familiar face.
Is that the woman that put the cat in the bin?
This is Gillian Duffy, the woman who Gordon Brown was overheard calling bigoted.
She was at the Labour conference. She took the opportunity to have an in-depth discussion with Tony Benn.
Let's see how that went.
I've two grandchildren. I'm concerned of their future...
'Settling in for the speech, Mrs Duffy shared her thoughts with Tony Benn.
'Except he wasn't listening.'
He's gone to sleep!
That's the honest response, isn't it, to the public's opinions.
Clegg and Cameron were meant to be different -
leaders of opposing parties and they're becoming more identical by the day.
Nick Clegg keeps saying, "It's the right government for the right time",
which I think is a seedy way to dignify opportunism.
He would have made a pact with the Klingons if it meant power.
I don't know, I think the Klingon manifesto was pretty good.
I disagree. The Klingons have shown in the past
they they're hellbent on world domination, so I'm glad the Liberal Democrats are in there with them.
And the Klingons always get the Lib Dems to make the policy announcements.
If they're going to blow up a whole planet, they say, "Get the Lib Dem to announce it".
The Lib Dem party here is the equivalent of the guy on Star Trek
on the planet whom you've never seen before. He's the first one to get killed.
That's the Liberal Democrats in this scenario.
New shadow cabinet. Alan Johnson, you've already mentioned, was made shadow chancellor.
What did he say his first act was going to be?
He said his first act was going to read up an economics primer.
I haven't made that up.
He's paraphrased it just very slightly, but that's pretty much exactly what he said.
Good luck, mate. Meanwhile...
There are two schools of thought on that.
One is it's quite embarrassing to have your major office of state given to a man who has no maths O-level
and doesn't understand figures, but then, we did have Gordon Brown in charge, who WAS an economist,
and was meant to be very good with figures, and we're where we are now.
So you take your pick.
I'll go for the postman. "The economy will recover,
"probably not today, maybe lunch time tomorrow."
At the Tory conference, Eric Pickles, the new Communities Secretary, was there.
What were people betting Pickles would do at some point that week?
Get his own postal code?
Go, "Bloody onion rings".
It was Ladbrokes and they were offering odds on him being spotted in a curry house in Birmingham
during the week at the conference.
And what happened? Well, he spotted HIMSELF in a curry house
and posted the picture on Twitter.
Do you reckon when he goes for a curry he says to the waiter, "Can I have some poppadoms and...
"You haven't got any Pickles, have you?"
-Any one know the name of the curry house in question?
There is a restaurant in south-east London called The Taste Of Lewisham...
..which I'll say no more of.
But I've never been tempted to pop in.
There's another restaurant on the way to Stoke Newington, which has combined two words of "chicken"
and "pizza", and they've shortened them and put them together, and the place is called Chickpizz.
P-I double Z, Chickpizz. There's never anybody in there.
Because no matter how drunk you are, you still think..."Chickpizz."
But I'm sure it's lovely, in case a lawyer's watching.
If he's not watching, I'm sure the food's awful.
-Any one want to know the answer?
-Yes, we do.
And Boris Johnson was at the conference, too.
Let's have a look at the masterful way Boris manages to deflect Paxman's questions.
First, by throwing in baffling classical terms, and then hijacking the camera.
You chose this day of all days, on which so many families in this country
are going to be losing their child benefit, to say, "Let's not be beastly to bankers."
Well, I hesitate to accuse you of ignoratio elenchi.
-It says up there...
-For the third time in this interview...
I mean, you are paid a very considerable sum
by the BBC, the quantity of which we have yet to discover.
Of course, some ministers in the new government rely on more everyday terminology than Boris's.
Here's Children's Minister Tim Loughton being asked about the child benefit cut.
I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced yesterday.
It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's fair, end of.
-So it doesn't need a review, it doesn't need anything?
-You said we're going to see what comes along later...
-You're going to try and....
Your career, end of.
When I introduced him as the Children's Minister, it should have been the CHILDISH Minister.
End of when asked about child benefit cuts.
It's horrible when they try and talk. The worst part was Cameron
when he was talking about the football with Merkel and he went,
"It's just dreadful watching them slot another one past our lads."
It's like meeting a girlfriend's dad and him lean in and go, "So, do you like bums or titties?"
There have been two big policy rows recently, haven't there?
And how to pay for higher education.
And, in one case, you're not going to get it above a certain level, and in
the other case, your children have to pay, so they're both solved. End of.
-Anyway, they saved a billion pounds.
-OK, and they're spending £13 billion on a fortnight of sport in 2012.
-Yeah. Good point.
Tuition fees. Raising the cap on fees could mean
students incurring twice the debt that they currently do.
It's not funny, but it's topical. Nick Clegg's in a pickle about this.
It is quite funny.
In what sense?
Well, the Lib Dems said before the election, "Absolutely, we will not raise tuition fees.
"We all pledge we will not raise tuition fees."
And now, as a sign that they've become proper politicians,
they've abandoned that pledge and increased tuition fees.
The man they got to review university fees has been given 18 honorary doctorates.
He's got no idea what it's like to get a degree because he keeps getting given them.
The man they got to investigate public-finance waste, Philip Green, avoided £285 million worth of tax
by putting all his assets in his wife's name.
They might as well just get Karen Matthews to do an investigation
into how families could further reach their budget in hard times.
How can you trust a man whose tax bill is £285 million, goes "That's ridiculous, how would I pay that?"
You pay that because you earned £1.2 billion, you fat greedy shit.
It's all change in British politics.
Miliband has already appointed a radical new front-bench team. According to The Daily Telegraph...
With the exception of Boris Johnson when his wife comes home early.
And they promised me I wouldn't be forced into doing any painful puns in light of a recent incarnation
of mine as Sherlock Holmes, so without any further ado, let's move on to round two. The round...
of the Baskervilles.
Buzz when you know what the story is.
Oh, is this toilets?
Yes, it's someone flushing my credibility down the loo.
-Is it to do with the Commonwealth Games?
I was nearly interested in it this time.
You know, there was loads of scandal, and the rooms fell down,
and there were dogs on the pitch and...
-Did you stop watching once the sport began?
Originally in the village, they were worried,
because one of the inspectors said there was excrement where it shouldn't be.
Not a great description of your accommodation for the forthcoming weeks.
And then the toilet thing continued in that a number of the swimmers were ill
and had to finish swimming and then run to the toilet.
The hundred-yard dash became the 150-yard dash.
You know what I like? The organiser of the Commonwealth Games,
his speech for the opening ceremony, thanked Princess Diana for going. And I thought,
we know one thing about that man, he doesn't read the Daily Express.
This is the Commonwealth Games, obviously, which aims to encourage
the spread of democracy, human rights, world peace and laughing at incompetent foreigners.
They weren't just incompetent, though, were they?
They weren't quite so sweet when you saw the attempts
to build the stadium on time, which involved very small children.
They got some children to help.
It's like Blue Peter when you send off for a badge to build guide dogs for the blind.
Were there any other problems with scoring and timekeeping?
There were problems with scoring and timekeeping.
One boxer was ruled out of the games because he turned up 24 hours too late.
Somebody else was given a score of 104 in croquet, which is technically impossible.
This is extraordinary, though.
No one could tell 400-metres runner Tom Druce if he had qualified for the semifinals,
so according to the Mirror...
He did qualify, though, didn't he?
Because that would be worse. Imagine having to phone your mum
saying, "Did I qualify?"
According to The Sun...
After which Prince Charles came out of the lavatory, saying...
.."I should never have drunk that tap water."
To boost audiences, the organisers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary-school children
which, sadly, they couldn't use as most of them couldn't get the time off work.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
This is the "Kim Jool-Ing",
whatever his name is, that's his son there
who he's had sewn on to his lapel.
They sat in the Korean town square
and watched these idiots parading up and down with their boots...
Identical marching and stuff. Just a ludicrous display of conformity.
Yes, is pretty much what this is about. Let's just get the North Korean names straight. Who's this?
That's Kim Il-Sung, the previous dictator.
That's Kim Jong-Il...
looking a little bit lonely...
Now for his son, Kim Jong-Un.
He looks like he might bring hope and optimism to a beleaguered nation.
So who's this, then?
It's not Danny Dyer.
-Is that the other son?
-It is the other son.
He's not got the job as next dictator.
-He's given to the other son.
-Do you know why?
-Because the father didn't like him.
-Do you know why?
Was it the hat?
Is it because of the small lamp shade tied to his index finger?
Because, a lot of fathers, that will put them right off you.
He wanted to visit Disneyland Tokyo.
-And there's another older brother, too.
Kim Jong-Chul. Why is he not going to take over?
Is he dead?
No, he's said to be...
Do we have a picture of him so we may judge this man?
No, sadly not, but if you imagine the one with the lamp shade on the finger in a dress that might do it.
-Come back, come back.
I was right over the border then.
In more ways than one.
So, Kim Jong-Un has got the North Korean nod.
-Should we have a look at him strutting his stuff?
Here he is.
He's getting a lick on.
Is that the best we've got of him, walking from one bit to another bit, and that's it?
No one had heard of him until his father wheeled him out and said, "This is your new leader.
"I'm feeling a bit peaky." And he made him a four-star general one day and said the next day, "That's it.
-"He's going to take over".
-How long has he been a public figure?
-Almost. Two weeks.
-It's like the Milibands. You'd never heard of them, had you?
His only chance... I mean, I know heaven really isn't here on Earth,
but can we possibly see that man crossing the car park one more time?
There's something so funny about it.
I'm sure it will occur to us one day what it is.
Put the Benny Hill music on it.
We can do that bit ourselves.
When he comes on, go... Go!
PAUL HUMS BENNY HILL TUNE
Where's the nurse in the suspenders?
So, ITV had a man in the field there,
and the intrepid reporter attempted to assess the relative popularity of the Kims.
Let's have a look how he did it.
There are no opinion polls in this country of dictators,
but I did get a chance to carry out and EXTREMELY unscientific measure of the young general's popularity.
Well, let's see how popular the new leader will be.
Much more popular.
At least they applauded, though. It looked like they were excited.
Can you imagine taking a group of British people and going, "David Cameron".
He actually is Nick Clegg.
This is the unveiling of Kim Jong-Un as successor to Kim Jong-Il.
Chief of the North Korean army Ri Yong-Ho, had a message for the nation saying...
Adding, "LOL, smiley face, kiss, kiss."
Time now for the missing words round, which this week
features as its guest publication, the Pipe Club Of Norfolk newsletter.
I'd hate you to think the Pipe Club Of Norfolk is nothing more than a
bunch of rustic yokels with ruddy faces puffing away on silly-looking pipes,
but it is.
And we start with...
I do anything for love, but I don't do that.
I do occasionally use the first person pronoun instead of the normal "one",
but I don't like it.
I do reign, but I don't rule.
Glad you're with me there.
No, the answer is, "I do get bored, but I don't let on".
Well, she just has.
She did. At a recent state banquet, Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Queen if she ever got bored.
The Queen replied, "Yes, but I don't let on."
She then yawned and fell asleep in her soup.
Treble 18, single eleven, double top.
Ended with multiple injuries due to difficulty of throwing darts
in a smoky room.
They have to smoke outside, apparently.
They don't have to throw the darts through the window, do they?
Ended with no harm done by a group of eccentric, but essentially quite pleasant people.
Ended with disappointment as nobody remembered to bring the board.
That is a proper headline.
You'd expect complimentary sandwiches, too, would be welcome.
"Hello, how did you do?
"Did you win? I'm made of cheese."
The darts tournament was won by Len, who celebrated the only way pipe smokers know how,
with a damn good shag.
Huge mirror in the sky.
Was it going to be disastrous drop in pipe sales?
It is something do with pipes.
Plastic pipes. Cardboard pipes.
They're cheap and dangerous.
That's a design flaw.
It's like having fireworks that fit in your trousers.
I got that.
Is this a footballer? Is it hookers is bad...?
This is a woman who shops so much at IKEA that her marriage has collapsed.
So the final scores are, Ian and Victoria, five, and Paul and Jon, six.
And I leave you with news that at a London sperm clinic,
another delivery is safely handed over by the star donor.
In Chile, at a slightly smaller mining disaster, the rescue operation is not quite so hi tech.
And in London, a clear-the-air meeting begins to falter
as the debate turns once again to who broke the plastic horse in Buckaroo?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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