Episode 2 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 2

The popular news quiz returns, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Frank Skinner, and guest panellists Reginald D Hunter and Janet Street-Porter.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Frank Skinner. In the news this week - after finishing

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the first gig of their comeback tour,

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there's a worrying sight backstage for the Cheeky Girls.

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In a deprived area of Detroit, a baby receives the news that

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his biological father is multi-millionaire, Tiger Woods.

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And at home in Hull, a nostalgic John Prescott gets out the scrapbook

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and relives some happy memories.

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On Ian Hislop's team is someone who was recently seen on television walking all over England.

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No, it's not the German football team, it's Janet Street-Porter.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight is an American comedian who says he

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likes working in the UK because it's much harder to offend the audience.

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What, these ugly bastards?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, you're right. Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Janet, take a look at this.

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-It's Osborne's hammer.

-Yep.

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And Danny Alexander in slow motion.

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Deliberately giving us a leak.

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Yeah, telling us half a million to be unemployed.

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-Good news.

-There were so many leaks about...

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Look, there's the entire Air Force.

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Has it got an aircraft carrier to land on?

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No, it's going to dive bomb it. "Hello, sir.

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"Would you like to walk the plank?"

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Oh, God, is that the Army?

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It's a minister looking a bit of a prat.

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It's Dr Fox and they haven't given him a parachute.

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I'm really confused about the Comprehensive Spending Review,

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because now I've got to be older to be a pensioner.

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I am a pensioner already,

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but now pensions are going to go up and up, so you've got to be 66.

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Yeah, we're not going to pay your pension now. Look at you!

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-There's years of life in you yet.

-Yeah, there is, actually.

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I listened to George Osborne today going on and on and on

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about all the things that pensioners have still got.

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We've still got our bus passes, we've still got our eye tests,

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-we've still got our free prescriptions.

-You've still got your teeth.

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APPLAUSE

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Ian, I've still got 90% of my IQ, because I read in the Daily Mail

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or something last week that if you walk nine miles a week,

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Alzheimer's is still on the horizon.

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Yeah, but if you read the Daily Mail, your IQ plummets.

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Anyway, the rich are going to be absolutely cash-strapped by this.

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So if you've got any sympathy left,

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it's for David and George,

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because we're all in it together.

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Except them.

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-It is pretty savage.

-Hm.

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And we haven't got any armed forces any more.

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Unbelievable feats of logic. We are building two aircraft carriers that everyone agrees we don't need.

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They can't have aircraft on them because they haven't got any aircraft.

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Helicopters can land on them, though.

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Yeah, but not now because they haven't been built yet.

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We're scrapping the aircraft carrier we have, and the only reason we're building the aircraft carriers

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is because the contract has been signed already.

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We've spent billions of pounds on these ships that nobody wants,

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so we've got to build them anyway.

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Don't be picky.

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It's a bloody big thing to build with nothing to go on it, isn't it?

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Can't they use it for housing now they're cancelling all the social housing?

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What, social housing floating about the Gulf?

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If you don't pay your rent they shoot you out of a torpedo tube.

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Zoom!

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-Did you say a prison?

-Yeah.

-That would be a great idea, a floating prison.

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-I thought we had had floating prisons.

-Yeah, we had.

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We had great big hulks in the Thames.

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Full of ASBOs.

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People tried to tunnel their way out, didn't they? It was terrible.

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Terrible business.

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It's been rather sad for the Prince of Wales.

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He's finally got a boat named after him and they're going to scrap it.

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You also have to think too, if you're the leader of the British government,

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you're going around with other leaders around the world

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and they've got new aircraft carriers.

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How does it look if you're out there and you've got this old aircraft carrier?

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I mean, they won't say nothing,

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but you know they're thinking it, you know?

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APPLAUSE

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Other countries will be able to use these.

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-The French are going to use them.

-Really?

-Yeah.

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That'll be handy for landing in England.

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Yeah, it could be just like a bridge, they could just walk across.

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"They're going to be adapted to their..."

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-What, bigger kitchens and swanky chefs?

-Yeah.

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Less showers.

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-Fewer showers. Honestly!

-Oh sorry, fewer showers.

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If there's one thing I hate it's ungrammatical racism.

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Helicopters can land on water anyway.

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-Can't they just have those floats on the bottom?

-I've seen those.

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That's much cheaper than building two aircraft carriers, surely.

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Last time I went on a helicopter was...

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The point of landing on a ship is you get refuelled.

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What was it about the last helicopter trip that you said you'd better not say?

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-It sounded quite interesting.

-All right. I went horseracing and my hat was too big to get in the helicopter.

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-How did the horse get on?

-I had a row with a mouthy pilot who said,

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"You're a safety hazard with that hat on."

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I went, "All right. I'm not taking it off.

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"I'll sit with my head sideways."

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I nearly got an neck injury.

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All the way from Battersea to Ascot like that.

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Well, we're all in it together now, Janet.

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I think you've lost a bit of pension-based sympathy with that story.

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"My helicopter trip to Ascot".

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-That was ten years ago.

-Did you use your Freedom Pass on it?

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-I wasn't a pensioner ten years ago, Frank.

-I never thought that.

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-I can't believe...

-I'm not that old.

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It's hard to believe you're a pensioner now.

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Yeah, unlike Cliff Richard, I haven't got a crepey neck either.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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No, don't tell me there are some Cliff fans in the audience!

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They're like the plague - they're everywhere you go.

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It was all very well you attacking the Government over spending cuts,

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but not Cliff Richard.

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To be fair, I think she's attacking the fans who she has described as "like the plague".

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Which major international figure offered support for the Government's efforts to cut the deficit?

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-Oh, was it Arnold Schwarzenegger?

-It was Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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I've got a picture of me sitting, when I was several stone lighter,

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on Arnold Schwarzenegger's arm.

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REG: What the hell are you talking about?

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-JANET: It's just that I know Arnold.

-She was sitting on his arm.

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I was sitting on his arm, he's doing that bicep-y thing. And I'm poised.

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I thought you meant it was a ventriloquist act.

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Do you know what Cameron's joke was on the steps of Downing Street

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-about Arnie's visit?

-Did he say, "I'll be back"?

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Incredibly, he didn't. You would have put money on it, wouldn't you?

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-What did he say?

-He said -

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Come on.

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According to the Telegraph, Arnold said...

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So the intelligence services are getting £1 billion more. Why?

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-To combat cyber terrorism.

-Yes, cyber terrorism.

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That's just another euphemism for spying on us morning, noon and night, because now they're going to track

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every time we log on to websites and every time we Google.

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-Are they?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Oh, dear!

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They're calling it cyber terrorism.

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We thought we managed to get ID cards binned.

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They're back another way.

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REG: They came back bigger, badder, meaner, stronger.

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I am with you on this, Street-Porter.

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You're like a hero to me. Street-Porter!

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JANET: Don't get carried away.

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REG: Yes, ma'am.

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Would you like the rest of us just to subtly leave? Let the two of you just, you know...

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So this week the BBC News decided to take to the streets

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to ask people where they thought the axe should fall.

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So let's have a look at the Great British public in action.

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We set up shop to find out what kind of savings people might be prepared to make.

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-Could you do with a fortnightly bin collection?

-No.

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Could you do with fewer street lights at night?

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-No.

-Could you do with fewer libraries?

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No.

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-Quangos are being slashed.

-What's a quango?

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It's a cross between a tango and a croissant.

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Sounds all right.

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-I remember Johnny Kwango, the wrestler. Do you remember him?

-Oh yeah, he was very good, wasn't he?

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Yeah, he was in an automobile accident and couldn't get an erection after.

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I don't think it's one of the holds in professional wrestling, so...

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-Not a legal hold anyway.

-No, no.

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-He ended up with a half-nelson.

-Really?

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Well, there's one quango that did go which I, personally,

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will miss quite a lot. That is the...

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I don't think a quango is what you think it is.

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No.

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How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?

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Strikes, riots on the streets.

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Anger. "Angeur. Angeur."

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They say the word anger very much like that. "Angeur".

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They can't speak English like we do.

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You're quite right, though, they have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.

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-They love it.

-They do. You can say what you like about the French.

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No, you can say what you like.

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There was a group of schoolchildren on the streets campaigning against an increased pension age.

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I mean, that's forward-looking for you.

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The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome.

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The Pope didn't want to meet her, because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid

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to prop up his popularity ratings, flew off to Rome to meet the Pope

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and she wasn't allowed to come along.

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Is she not a Catholic?

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She's a Catholic but I think her past got in the way.

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REG: She used to be a ho.

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JANET: I don't think remark will be going out.

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I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts, necessarily.

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APPLAUSE

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And in the middle of their financial crisis, what's German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, been saying?

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"Multiculturalism doesn't work," is what she says.

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-But, you know, Germany kind of felt like that back in the Thirties and Forties, didn't it?

-Yeah.

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-That's not like a new thing for Germany?

-No.

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We can't even get all mad with them. "Yeah, we kind of knew y'all felt like that."

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Just to put the icing on the cake,

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when she said it, she said it to...

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Yes, this is the long-awaited Government Spending Review.

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After announcing the defence cuts,

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David Cameron rang the White House and made it clear that...

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To which the receptionist replied, "Thanks for the message.

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"And how are you spelling Cameron?"

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The Government has postponed the scrapping of our secret

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nuclear submarine, Trident, as no one knows where it is.

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-Reg and Paul, hears yours.

-Ah, finally.

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This is Mr Wayne Rooney, currently in trouble with his club, Manchester United.

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There's Alex Ferguson there.

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-That's the World Cup.

-That was the World Cup?

-Yeah.

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And... I'm not sure what that's meant to symbolise.

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Yes, there's two stories going on here, I think.

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That's Wayne Rooney now to avoid press attention.

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They've spotted him on a holiday in New Zealand.

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Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United.

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Have you been following this at all? Do you follow football?

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I think Wayne Rooney's wife wants to leave Manchester.

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That's what I think. I just think that, you know, when she walks around,

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she'll get people she don't even know coming up to her, giving her advice about her life.

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I think she probably thinks, "They won't talk to me like this in Spain."

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Well, there is the trouble if he gets... You know, Spain...

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He's not really very good at English particularly,

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so Spanish is going to be a bit of a problem.

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He doesn't know the Spanish for, "Is it extra if you keep your teeth in?" So we don't know.

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We just don't know.

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American Fox Sports Network was one of the first to report that Rooney would be leaving his current club.

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It said... The headline -

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I'm not sure they quite got the significance of the colloquialism.

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-I have to admit, it don't sound like a real swear word to us.

-No?

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And even when y'all do swear, y'all make swear words sound more classy.

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Like "ass". We say "ass" and y'all say "arse".

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It sounds like you're asking someone across the table to pass over some special sauce.

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"Can I have a piece of that arse?"

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What are the possible reasons for the big fall-out between Alex Ferguson and Wayne Rooney?

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I thought he asked for a lot more money and then he was told, "You can't have more money."

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-So he's going somewhere else.

-The big argument was that Rooney contradicted Alex Ferguson

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over the state of his ankle, something you should never do, according to the Mirror.

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It said -

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Sir Alex is a bad dude, ain't he?

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Wayne also apparently thinks that Manchester United are in decline. Do you know what he said?

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IN THICK LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: Er, Manchester United in decline.

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He said...

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Let's have a look at Wayne Rooney being booed off,

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after the Algerian World Cup game.

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Nice to see home fans booing you, that's what I call loyal supporters.

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What he actually said there was, "It's nice to see the home fans booing you,

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"that's what I call loyal supporters."

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So, this is a bloke, Wayne Rooney,

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who's cheated on his own wife several times with whores, right?

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Who now wants to leave one of the world's great football clubs for money.

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And he's saying that the England fans, right, who have suffered,

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who have taken years of misery,

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and still turn up at games, he is giving us a lecture on loyalty?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hey, Frank, take a minute.

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I'll be all right in a minute.

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-OK, and, I'm back on.

-You back, man?

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So what's the big international football scandal of the week?

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Oh, yes, there was a couple of members of FIFA

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who wanted to accept bribes in order to influence their vote

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-on who would host the World Cup in...2018, I think it is.

-Mm-hm.

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So, more problems for FIFA President Sepp Blatter, on top of this other humiliation.

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LAUGHTER

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-Get up laughing. That's the only way you can come back from something like that.

-Yeah.

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-Or continually do it all night and pretend it's...

-It's the thing you do.

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-I just do this, I just do this, argh!

-Exactly.

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I like the idea that he could have turned that round.

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Come back up and go, "Ah-ha!"

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-What did we learn about one of Chelsea's footballers this week?

-He was born in England?

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-Don't be ridiculous.

-It's about Vanessa...?

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-It is.

-About Vanessa Perroncel who gave an interview to the Today programme

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about how she'd never had a physical relationship with John Terry.

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-Do you want see the apologies from the tabloids?

-Yeah.

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Vanessa was helped by Max Clifford... media guru, we call him.

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Here's a shot of them at their...

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I have to say, I am absolutely loving Max's jacket.

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It looks a bit road men, doesn't it?

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Well, if you look closely, he's got all the fabrics.

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-There's like...knitted collar and sleeves.

-Yeah.

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Then he's got a leather quilted chest panel.

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And then some suede frontage.

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-REG: Great.

-Are you some sort of girly man?

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Yes, it's been another turbulent week in the world of football.

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FIFA was in shock after it was alleged by the Sunday Times

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that officials took bribes for World Cup votes. One accused of bribery was Mr Amos Adamu from Nigeria,

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who claimed it was for his country.

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If he wants money for his country, he should go through the usual channels -

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send out a load of bogus e-mails saying he's just come into a fortune, etc, etc.

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There was an important High Court decision regarding the ownership of Liverpool FC this week.

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Hundreds of Liverpool fans turned up at the High Court to see Liverpool win an historic victory.

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Well, where else are they going to go?

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Some of the fan's drove down to the High Court,

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but most of them caught the regular shuttle bus.

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John Henry, the owner of the Boston Red Sox,

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said he felt an immediate affinity with his adopted city

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when he found out how many people in Liverpool own a baseball bat.

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And so to round 2, the picture spin quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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-It's Nigella Lawson standing next to an oven...

-Oh, I know. Her oven blew up.

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-We can say that from the picture! It's not really specialist knowledge.

-Yes.

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Yes, she had a dinner party with quite a famous guest.

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This was in a period of the late '80s, early '90s, when this guest was particularly sought after.

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-Ah, Salman Rushdie.

-Yes.

-And her oven exploded.

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-And loads of security men arrived, millions of them.

-That is correct.

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And, as you say, seven secret servicemen. Oh, it's like round the ragged rat the ragged...

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Seven secret servicemen supped soup from the Serpentine.

0:19:570:20:00

That's the first thing I've said all night that they've liked.

0:20:040:20:07

It's the first thing you've said that came close to making sense, really.

0:20:070:20:12

-Does Nigella deserve the domestic goddess label? According to her?

-No.

0:20:130:20:19

Can we define once and for all what a domestic goddess is?

0:20:190:20:22

It's someone who is extremely competent with all things in the home.

0:20:220:20:26

-Yeah.

-What was the Jerry Hall thing? A whore in the bedroom...

-Ohh.

0:20:260:20:30

Jerry Hall...

0:20:300:20:32

LAUGHTER

0:20:320:20:34

Can we have a Jerry-Hall-free show?

0:20:340:20:37

No.

0:20:370:20:39

Up till 30 seconds ago, we were doing very well.

0:20:390:20:43

Now it seems to be impossible.

0:20:430:20:44

You should've mentioned it earlier. We'd have been all right, then.

0:20:470:20:51

You've got to be warned about these things.

0:20:510:20:53

To be fair, most shows do fall into that category.

0:20:530:20:56

She's been everywhere flogging her paintings, and now she's flogging her coffee-table book.

0:20:560:21:01

-Who?

-Jerry Hall.

-I thought you didn't want to talk about her!

0:21:010:21:06

Oh sorry.

0:21:060:21:08

-Can I tell you about Nigella not being a domestic goddess?

-Yes.

0:21:080:21:12

She stood up at a literary festival and said, "I'm a slut at home. I'm useless at all the domestic chores."

0:21:120:21:18

But she's had enough. She's saying, "I'm not a domestic goddess. Do not worship me."

0:21:180:21:22

I'd love to be worshipped, I can't see anything wrong in that.

0:21:220:21:26

You should hang out with gay men.

0:21:260:21:28

They're always good when they come round and rearrange your cushions and everything.

0:21:280:21:33

Well, I've heard some terms for it!

0:21:330:21:36

I'll be impressed if you get this. How does Nigella know when her cheesecake is done?

0:21:430:21:48

Does the producer say, "It's done now, Nigella"(?)

0:21:480:21:52

She knows it's done when there's...

0:21:520:21:55

-You don't want your inner thigh to be wibbling. My thighs are like nut-crackers.

-How do you know?

0:22:000:22:05

Because I was president of the Ramblers, and I'm walking nine miles a week at the moment.

0:22:050:22:10

What a waste of a bus pass that is.

0:22:100:22:11

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:140:22:16

BELL

0:22:190:22:20

Yeah, this is the new installation in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern.

0:22:200:22:24

And, at huge cost,

0:22:240:22:27

the entire floor was covered in tiny porcelain seeds,

0:22:270:22:31

and in exactly 24 hours, after the thing had been opened for the public to mingle with the porcelain seeds,

0:22:310:22:38

it was closed, as a health hazard.

0:22:380:22:41

So, you can look at it but you can't actually touch it.

0:22:430:22:46

It's interactive art, but you've got to stand behind a rope.

0:22:460:22:50

Do you know what the health hazard was?

0:22:500:22:53

The porcelain seeds gave off a fine dust, which they said might trigger off an asthma attack.

0:22:530:22:58

-Does anyone know the name of the artist?

-I think he's Ai We-Wo.

0:22:580:23:02

-Ai Weiwei he's called.

-Yeah. I knew that. Yeah.

0:23:020:23:06

There he is, with a handful of his seed.

0:23:060:23:09

He did the Bird's Nest stadium in Beijing, which is an incredible thing.

0:23:090:23:13

JANET: Better than our one.

0:23:130:23:15

The stadium looks like something from IKEA, compared to that.

0:23:150:23:18

Ai Weiwei versus IKEA - that's a story!

0:23:180:23:21

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:23:230:23:25

Ai Weiwei also staged an exhibition in Shanghai called (BLEEP) Off.

0:23:250:23:30

How were attendance figures?

0:23:320:23:34

-It was generally shunned.

-Was it?

0:23:370:23:40

Yes, it's the exhibit at the Tate Modern that has been closed

0:23:400:23:43

amid fears that exposure to dust from it can damage your health.

0:23:430:23:46

The sunflower seeds were made by 1,600 porcelain workers in the city of Jingdezhen.

0:23:460:23:51

According to the Independent...

0:23:510:23:53

..which, amusingly, were also made by Chinese slave labour.

0:23:560:24:00

According to the Times art critic, the exhibit makes you ask yourself big questions, such as:

0:24:020:24:06

And why am I coughing up blood?

0:24:150:24:17

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

0:24:210:24:25

Lower Extremity Review.

0:24:250:24:27

One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines!

0:24:290:24:33

And we start with...

0:24:330:24:35

Invite lodgers?

0:24:350:24:37

Fill up your shoes.

0:24:380:24:40

Roomy socks fill up your shoes?!

0:24:400:24:42

Even for a foot magazine, that's a poor headline, isn't it?

0:24:440:24:47

Is this Wayne Roomey?

0:24:470:24:50

It's a piece of graffiti - "Roomey socks".

0:24:510:24:54

-That's what's happened to spelling in this country.

-It's today.

0:24:540:24:59

The answer is...

0:24:590:25:01

This is an advert from Lower Extremity Review for roomy socks.

0:25:030:25:06

They are American-made and come in four sizes -

0:25:060:25:09

large, extra-large, massive and Channel Five documentary.

0:25:090:25:13

Next...

0:25:130:25:14

Plums.

0:25:170:25:18

-Nearly.

-JANET: Damsons.

0:25:200:25:22

It's actually...

0:25:220:25:24

Not that nearly.

0:25:240:25:26

Graham Tranter of Bridgnorth has grown a cabbage that weighs 70lb.

0:25:300:25:35

This exceeds the recommended daily intake of cabbage by 70lb.

0:25:350:25:40

Next...

0:25:400:25:42

Swarm over Ann Widdecombe.

0:25:460:25:48

Desperate for her flesh.

0:25:510:25:53

REG: Go to Ibiza. Prefer roomy socks.

0:25:530:25:58

-Is it, go on the web?

-Oh, don't be ridiculous!

0:26:000:26:04

It's...

0:26:040:26:05

Next...

0:26:080:26:09

Really big feet.

0:26:110:26:13

-You're in the right ball park now.

-Huge shins.

0:26:130:26:16

Huge shins!

0:26:160:26:18

It's...

0:26:190:26:21

This is an article written by the editor of Lower Extremity Review, Jordana Foster, who says,

0:26:220:26:28

"As entertaining as it may be to debate the merits of flip-flops..."

0:26:280:26:31

That's enough of that!

0:26:310:26:33

Next...

0:26:330:26:35

Sir Alex Ferguson's nose, for breach of copyright.

0:26:390:26:42

It's actually...

0:26:440:26:46

This is the council worker dressed up as a tomato

0:26:460:26:49

who was injured when the Lord Mayor of Belfast

0:26:490:26:51

tried to jump over her.

0:26:510:26:54

It's probably a Protestant thing, isn't it?

0:26:540:26:57

..Dear Doctor...

0:27:010:27:03

It does sound like a condition, someone would say,

0:27:030:27:06

"Oh, man, I think I've got a cluffy wedge."

0:27:060:27:09

I don't think you are going to get it. It's...

0:27:110:27:13

-We were close.

-Yeah.

0:27:200:27:21

This is from Lower Extremity Review, which I think has dumbed down quite a lot recently.

0:27:210:27:27

So, the final scores - Ian and Janet have 7 points, Paul and Reg have 2.

0:27:270:27:33

APPLAUSE

0:27:330:27:35

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Janet Street-Porter.

0:27:390:27:43

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter. And I leave you with news that, at a conference in Tangiers,

0:27:430:27:49

David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.

0:27:490:27:54

As filming begins on the new Winnie the Pooh movie,

0:27:590:28:02

one of the stars complains to his agent about having to work in damp conditions.

0:28:020:28:06

And at a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders

0:28:090:28:13

if the good-luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.

0:28:130:28:16

Good night!

0:28:200:28:21

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:470:28:51

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:510:28:55