Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Frank Skinner. In the news this week - after finishing

the first gig of their comeback tour,

there's a worrying sight backstage for the Cheeky Girls.

In a deprived area of Detroit, a baby receives the news that

his biological father is multi-millionaire, Tiger Woods.

And at home in Hull, a nostalgic John Prescott gets out the scrapbook

and relives some happy memories.

On Ian Hislop's team is someone who was recently seen on television walking all over England.

No, it's not the German football team, it's Janet Street-Porter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul Merton tonight is an American comedian who says he

likes working in the UK because it's much harder to offend the audience.

What, these ugly bastards?

LAUGHTER

Oh, you're right. Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Janet, take a look at this.

-It's Osborne's hammer.

-Yep.

And Danny Alexander in slow motion.

Deliberately giving us a leak.

Yeah, telling us half a million to be unemployed.

-Good news.

-There were so many leaks about...

Look, there's the entire Air Force.

Has it got an aircraft carrier to land on?

No, it's going to dive bomb it. "Hello, sir.

"Would you like to walk the plank?"

Oh, God, is that the Army?

It's a minister looking a bit of a prat.

It's Dr Fox and they haven't given him a parachute.

I'm really confused about the Comprehensive Spending Review,

because now I've got to be older to be a pensioner.

I am a pensioner already,

but now pensions are going to go up and up, so you've got to be 66.

Yeah, we're not going to pay your pension now. Look at you!

-There's years of life in you yet.

-Yeah, there is, actually.

I listened to George Osborne today going on and on and on

about all the things that pensioners have still got.

We've still got our bus passes, we've still got our eye tests,

-we've still got our free prescriptions.

-You've still got your teeth.

APPLAUSE

Ian, I've still got 90% of my IQ, because I read in the Daily Mail

or something last week that if you walk nine miles a week,

Alzheimer's is still on the horizon.

Yeah, but if you read the Daily Mail, your IQ plummets.

Anyway, the rich are going to be absolutely cash-strapped by this.

So if you've got any sympathy left,

it's for David and George,

because we're all in it together.

Except them.

-It is pretty savage.

-Hm.

And we haven't got any armed forces any more.

Unbelievable feats of logic. We are building two aircraft carriers that everyone agrees we don't need.

They can't have aircraft on them because they haven't got any aircraft.

Helicopters can land on them, though.

Yeah, but not now because they haven't been built yet.

We're scrapping the aircraft carrier we have, and the only reason we're building the aircraft carriers

is because the contract has been signed already.

We've spent billions of pounds on these ships that nobody wants,

so we've got to build them anyway.

Don't be picky.

It's a bloody big thing to build with nothing to go on it, isn't it?

Can't they use it for housing now they're cancelling all the social housing?

What, social housing floating about the Gulf?

If you don't pay your rent they shoot you out of a torpedo tube.

Zoom!

-Did you say a prison?

-Yeah.

-That would be a great idea, a floating prison.

-I thought we had had floating prisons.

-Yeah, we had.

We had great big hulks in the Thames.

Full of ASBOs.

People tried to tunnel their way out, didn't they? It was terrible.

Terrible business.

It's been rather sad for the Prince of Wales.

He's finally got a boat named after him and they're going to scrap it.

You also have to think too, if you're the leader of the British government,

you're going around with other leaders around the world

and they've got new aircraft carriers.

How does it look if you're out there and you've got this old aircraft carrier?

I mean, they won't say nothing,

but you know they're thinking it, you know?

APPLAUSE

Other countries will be able to use these.

-The French are going to use them.

-Really?

-Yeah.

That'll be handy for landing in England.

Yeah, it could be just like a bridge, they could just walk across.

"They're going to be adapted to their..."

-What, bigger kitchens and swanky chefs?

-Yeah.

Less showers.

-Fewer showers. Honestly!

-Oh sorry, fewer showers.

If there's one thing I hate it's ungrammatical racism.

Helicopters can land on water anyway.

-Can't they just have those floats on the bottom?

-I've seen those.

That's much cheaper than building two aircraft carriers, surely.

Last time I went on a helicopter was...

The point of landing on a ship is you get refuelled.

What was it about the last helicopter trip that you said you'd better not say?

-It sounded quite interesting.

-All right. I went horseracing and my hat was too big to get in the helicopter.

-How did the horse get on?

-I had a row with a mouthy pilot who said,

"You're a safety hazard with that hat on."

I went, "All right. I'm not taking it off.

"I'll sit with my head sideways."

I nearly got an neck injury.

All the way from Battersea to Ascot like that.

Well, we're all in it together now, Janet.

I think you've lost a bit of pension-based sympathy with that story.

"My helicopter trip to Ascot".

-That was ten years ago.

-Did you use your Freedom Pass on it?

-I wasn't a pensioner ten years ago, Frank.

-I never thought that.

-I can't believe...

-I'm not that old.

It's hard to believe you're a pensioner now.

Yeah, unlike Cliff Richard, I haven't got a crepey neck either.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

No, don't tell me there are some Cliff fans in the audience!

They're like the plague - they're everywhere you go.

It was all very well you attacking the Government over spending cuts,

but not Cliff Richard.

To be fair, I think she's attacking the fans who she has described as "like the plague".

Which major international figure offered support for the Government's efforts to cut the deficit?

-Oh, was it Arnold Schwarzenegger?

-It was Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I've got a picture of me sitting, when I was several stone lighter,

on Arnold Schwarzenegger's arm.

REG: What the hell are you talking about?

-JANET: It's just that I know Arnold.

-She was sitting on his arm.

I was sitting on his arm, he's doing that bicep-y thing. And I'm poised.

I thought you meant it was a ventriloquist act.

Do you know what Cameron's joke was on the steps of Downing Street

-about Arnie's visit?

-Did he say, "I'll be back"?

Incredibly, he didn't. You would have put money on it, wouldn't you?

-What did he say?

-He said -

AUDIENCE GROANS

Come on.

According to the Telegraph, Arnold said...

So the intelligence services are getting £1 billion more. Why?

-To combat cyber terrorism.

-Yes, cyber terrorism.

That's just another euphemism for spying on us morning, noon and night, because now they're going to track

every time we log on to websites and every time we Google.

-Are they?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Oh, dear!

They're calling it cyber terrorism.

We thought we managed to get ID cards binned.

They're back another way.

REG: They came back bigger, badder, meaner, stronger.

I am with you on this, Street-Porter.

You're like a hero to me. Street-Porter!

JANET: Don't get carried away.

REG: Yes, ma'am.

Would you like the rest of us just to subtly leave? Let the two of you just, you know...

So this week the BBC News decided to take to the streets

to ask people where they thought the axe should fall.

So let's have a look at the Great British public in action.

We set up shop to find out what kind of savings people might be prepared to make.

-Could you do with a fortnightly bin collection?

-No.

Could you do with fewer street lights at night?

-No.

-Could you do with fewer libraries?

No.

-Quangos are being slashed.

-What's a quango?

It's a cross between a tango and a croissant.

Sounds all right.

-I remember Johnny Kwango, the wrestler. Do you remember him?

-Oh yeah, he was very good, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was in an automobile accident and couldn't get an erection after.

I don't think it's one of the holds in professional wrestling, so...

-Not a legal hold anyway.

-No, no.

-He ended up with a half-nelson.

-Really?

Well, there's one quango that did go which I, personally,

will miss quite a lot. That is the...

I don't think a quango is what you think it is.

No.

How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?

Strikes, riots on the streets.

Anger. "Angeur. Angeur."

They say the word anger very much like that. "Angeur".

They can't speak English like we do.

You're quite right, though, they have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.

-They love it.

-They do. You can say what you like about the French.

No, you can say what you like.

There was a group of schoolchildren on the streets campaigning against an increased pension age.

I mean, that's forward-looking for you.

The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome.

The Pope didn't want to meet her, because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid

to prop up his popularity ratings, flew off to Rome to meet the Pope

and she wasn't allowed to come along.

Is she not a Catholic?

She's a Catholic but I think her past got in the way.

REG: She used to be a ho.

JANET: I don't think remark will be going out.

I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts, necessarily.

APPLAUSE

And in the middle of their financial crisis, what's German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, been saying?

"Multiculturalism doesn't work," is what she says.

-But, you know, Germany kind of felt like that back in the Thirties and Forties, didn't it?

-Yeah.

-That's not like a new thing for Germany?

-No.

We can't even get all mad with them. "Yeah, we kind of knew y'all felt like that."

Just to put the icing on the cake,

when she said it, she said it to...

Yes, this is the long-awaited Government Spending Review.

After announcing the defence cuts,

David Cameron rang the White House and made it clear that...

To which the receptionist replied, "Thanks for the message.

"And how are you spelling Cameron?"

The Government has postponed the scrapping of our secret

nuclear submarine, Trident, as no one knows where it is.

-Reg and Paul, hears yours.

-Ah, finally.

This is Mr Wayne Rooney, currently in trouble with his club, Manchester United.

There's Alex Ferguson there.

-That's the World Cup.

-That was the World Cup?

-Yeah.

And... I'm not sure what that's meant to symbolise.

Yes, there's two stories going on here, I think.

That's Wayne Rooney now to avoid press attention.

They've spotted him on a holiday in New Zealand.

Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United.

Have you been following this at all? Do you follow football?

I think Wayne Rooney's wife wants to leave Manchester.

That's what I think. I just think that, you know, when she walks around,

she'll get people she don't even know coming up to her, giving her advice about her life.

I think she probably thinks, "They won't talk to me like this in Spain."

Well, there is the trouble if he gets... You know, Spain...

He's not really very good at English particularly,

so Spanish is going to be a bit of a problem.

He doesn't know the Spanish for, "Is it extra if you keep your teeth in?" So we don't know.

We just don't know.

American Fox Sports Network was one of the first to report that Rooney would be leaving his current club.

It said... The headline -

I'm not sure they quite got the significance of the colloquialism.

-I have to admit, it don't sound like a real swear word to us.

-No?

And even when y'all do swear, y'all make swear words sound more classy.

Like "ass". We say "ass" and y'all say "arse".

It sounds like you're asking someone across the table to pass over some special sauce.

"Can I have a piece of that arse?"

What are the possible reasons for the big fall-out between Alex Ferguson and Wayne Rooney?

I thought he asked for a lot more money and then he was told, "You can't have more money."

-So he's going somewhere else.

-The big argument was that Rooney contradicted Alex Ferguson

over the state of his ankle, something you should never do, according to the Mirror.

It said -

Sir Alex is a bad dude, ain't he?

Wayne also apparently thinks that Manchester United are in decline. Do you know what he said?

IN THICK LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: Er, Manchester United in decline.

He said...

Let's have a look at Wayne Rooney being booed off,

after the Algerian World Cup game.

Nice to see home fans booing you, that's what I call loyal supporters.

What he actually said there was, "It's nice to see the home fans booing you,

"that's what I call loyal supporters."

So, this is a bloke, Wayne Rooney,

who's cheated on his own wife several times with whores, right?

Who now wants to leave one of the world's great football clubs for money.

And he's saying that the England fans, right, who have suffered,

who have taken years of misery,

and still turn up at games, he is giving us a lecture on loyalty?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, Frank, take a minute.

I'll be all right in a minute.

-OK, and, I'm back on.

-You back, man?

So what's the big international football scandal of the week?

Oh, yes, there was a couple of members of FIFA

who wanted to accept bribes in order to influence their vote

-on who would host the World Cup in...2018, I think it is.

-Mm-hm.

So, more problems for FIFA President Sepp Blatter, on top of this other humiliation.

LAUGHTER

-Get up laughing. That's the only way you can come back from something like that.

-Yeah.

-Or continually do it all night and pretend it's...

-It's the thing you do.

-I just do this, I just do this, argh!

-Exactly.

I like the idea that he could have turned that round.

Come back up and go, "Ah-ha!"

-What did we learn about one of Chelsea's footballers this week?

-He was born in England?

-Don't be ridiculous.

-It's about Vanessa...?

-It is.

-About Vanessa Perroncel who gave an interview to the Today programme

about how she'd never had a physical relationship with John Terry.

-Do you want see the apologies from the tabloids?

-Yeah.

Vanessa was helped by Max Clifford... media guru, we call him.

Here's a shot of them at their...

I have to say, I am absolutely loving Max's jacket.

It looks a bit road men, doesn't it?

Well, if you look closely, he's got all the fabrics.

-There's like...knitted collar and sleeves.

-Yeah.

Then he's got a leather quilted chest panel.

And then some suede frontage.

-REG: Great.

-Are you some sort of girly man?

Yes, it's been another turbulent week in the world of football.

FIFA was in shock after it was alleged by the Sunday Times

that officials took bribes for World Cup votes. One accused of bribery was Mr Amos Adamu from Nigeria,

who claimed it was for his country.

If he wants money for his country, he should go through the usual channels -

send out a load of bogus e-mails saying he's just come into a fortune, etc, etc.

There was an important High Court decision regarding the ownership of Liverpool FC this week.

Hundreds of Liverpool fans turned up at the High Court to see Liverpool win an historic victory.

Well, where else are they going to go?

Some of the fan's drove down to the High Court,

but most of them caught the regular shuttle bus.

John Henry, the owner of the Boston Red Sox,

said he felt an immediate affinity with his adopted city

when he found out how many people in Liverpool own a baseball bat.

And so to round 2, the picture spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-It's Nigella Lawson standing next to an oven...

-Oh, I know. Her oven blew up.

-We can say that from the picture! It's not really specialist knowledge.

-Yes.

Yes, she had a dinner party with quite a famous guest.

This was in a period of the late '80s, early '90s, when this guest was particularly sought after.

-Ah, Salman Rushdie.

-Yes.

-And her oven exploded.

-And loads of security men arrived, millions of them.

-That is correct.

And, as you say, seven secret servicemen. Oh, it's like round the ragged rat the ragged...

Seven secret servicemen supped soup from the Serpentine.

That's the first thing I've said all night that they've liked.

It's the first thing you've said that came close to making sense, really.

-Does Nigella deserve the domestic goddess label? According to her?

-No.

Can we define once and for all what a domestic goddess is?

It's someone who is extremely competent with all things in the home.

-Yeah.

-What was the Jerry Hall thing? A whore in the bedroom...

-Ohh.

Jerry Hall...

LAUGHTER

Can we have a Jerry-Hall-free show?

No.

Up till 30 seconds ago, we were doing very well.

Now it seems to be impossible.

You should've mentioned it earlier. We'd have been all right, then.

You've got to be warned about these things.

To be fair, most shows do fall into that category.

She's been everywhere flogging her paintings, and now she's flogging her coffee-table book.

-Who?

-Jerry Hall.

-I thought you didn't want to talk about her!

Oh sorry.

-Can I tell you about Nigella not being a domestic goddess?

-Yes.

She stood up at a literary festival and said, "I'm a slut at home. I'm useless at all the domestic chores."

But she's had enough. She's saying, "I'm not a domestic goddess. Do not worship me."

I'd love to be worshipped, I can't see anything wrong in that.

You should hang out with gay men.

They're always good when they come round and rearrange your cushions and everything.

Well, I've heard some terms for it!

I'll be impressed if you get this. How does Nigella know when her cheesecake is done?

Does the producer say, "It's done now, Nigella"(?)

She knows it's done when there's...

-You don't want your inner thigh to be wibbling. My thighs are like nut-crackers.

-How do you know?

Because I was president of the Ramblers, and I'm walking nine miles a week at the moment.

What a waste of a bus pass that is.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL

Yeah, this is the new installation in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern.

And, at huge cost,

the entire floor was covered in tiny porcelain seeds,

and in exactly 24 hours, after the thing had been opened for the public to mingle with the porcelain seeds,

it was closed, as a health hazard.

So, you can look at it but you can't actually touch it.

It's interactive art, but you've got to stand behind a rope.

Do you know what the health hazard was?

The porcelain seeds gave off a fine dust, which they said might trigger off an asthma attack.

-Does anyone know the name of the artist?

-I think he's Ai We-Wo.

-Ai Weiwei he's called.

-Yeah. I knew that. Yeah.

There he is, with a handful of his seed.

He did the Bird's Nest stadium in Beijing, which is an incredible thing.

JANET: Better than our one.

The stadium looks like something from IKEA, compared to that.

Ai Weiwei versus IKEA - that's a story!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Ai Weiwei also staged an exhibition in Shanghai called (BLEEP) Off.

How were attendance figures?

-It was generally shunned.

-Was it?

Yes, it's the exhibit at the Tate Modern that has been closed

amid fears that exposure to dust from it can damage your health.

The sunflower seeds were made by 1,600 porcelain workers in the city of Jingdezhen.

According to the Independent...

..which, amusingly, were also made by Chinese slave labour.

According to the Times art critic, the exhibit makes you ask yourself big questions, such as:

And why am I coughing up blood?

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features

Lower Extremity Review.

One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines!

And we start with...

Invite lodgers?

Fill up your shoes.

Roomy socks fill up your shoes?!

Even for a foot magazine, that's a poor headline, isn't it?

Is this Wayne Roomey?

It's a piece of graffiti - "Roomey socks".

-That's what's happened to spelling in this country.

-It's today.

The answer is...

This is an advert from Lower Extremity Review for roomy socks.

They are American-made and come in four sizes -

large, extra-large, massive and Channel Five documentary.

Next...

Plums.

-Nearly.

-JANET: Damsons.

It's actually...

Not that nearly.

Graham Tranter of Bridgnorth has grown a cabbage that weighs 70lb.

This exceeds the recommended daily intake of cabbage by 70lb.

Next...

Swarm over Ann Widdecombe.

Desperate for her flesh.

REG: Go to Ibiza. Prefer roomy socks.

-Is it, go on the web?

-Oh, don't be ridiculous!

It's...

Next...

Really big feet.

-You're in the right ball park now.

-Huge shins.

Huge shins!

It's...

This is an article written by the editor of Lower Extremity Review, Jordana Foster, who says,

"As entertaining as it may be to debate the merits of flip-flops..."

That's enough of that!

Next...

Sir Alex Ferguson's nose, for breach of copyright.

It's actually...

This is the council worker dressed up as a tomato

who was injured when the Lord Mayor of Belfast

tried to jump over her.

It's probably a Protestant thing, isn't it?

..Dear Doctor...

It does sound like a condition, someone would say,

"Oh, man, I think I've got a cluffy wedge."

I don't think you are going to get it. It's...

-We were close.

-Yeah.

This is from Lower Extremity Review, which I think has dumbed down quite a lot recently.

So, the final scores - Ian and Janet have 7 points, Paul and Reg have 2.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Janet Street-Porter.

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter. And I leave you with news that, at a conference in Tangiers,

David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.

As filming begins on the new Winnie the Pooh movie,

one of the stars complains to his agent about having to work in damp conditions.

And at a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders

if the good-luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.

Good night!

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