Episode 3 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 3

John Bishop guest presents the popular news quiz. Featuring team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, and guest panellists Andy Hamilton and Miles Jupp.


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Transcript


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Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm John Bishop. In the news this week,

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after putting his political ambitions on hold,

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David Miliband has said he's happy to pursue other interests

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outside of politics.

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During the recording of the Kazakhstan TV's version of Dragons' Den

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there were very few takers for the automatic clothes dryer.

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And after a breathless meeting in Paris,

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Carla Bruni spots what happened to the raisin

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that she accidentally spat out from her French pastry.

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There WAS something quite nice about that.

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On my right is a comedian and writer who one reviewer described

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as like an aged grandparent, an old, stuffy traditionalist

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bemused and angered in equal measure by the state of modern society.

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-And joining Ian is Miles Jupp.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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With Paul Merton tonight is an actor and performer

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who first came to notice

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when performing at the Edinburgh Festival in 1976,

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where his show faced stiff competition for audiences

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from both the other shows that were on that year.

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-Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

-APPLAUSE

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I'm not really an actor.

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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We start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Miles, take a look at this.

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Oh, it's GDP! It's up 0.8%.

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Oh, look, it's the West Wing.

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Oh, no, it isn't.

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-Ah, a tea dance. Now, that IS reassuring.

-It is.

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And there's the leader of the Tea Dance Party.

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Or is that Iain Duncan Smith?

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Oh, leaders smoking.

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Macmillan, Wilson...

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-Erm...who's that?

-LAUGHTER

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Erm... There's a whole load of stories there.

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Which do you want first? The good news - we're not in recession.

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The bad news - Clegg smokes.

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Well...do you think we're in recession or not in recession?

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Because what's been said is that this 0.8% really doesn't count

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because it's not even a number.

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LAUGHTER

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I haven't really noticed the recession.

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On that side of the panel I don't suppose you have, no.

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What, is it tough your way, is it, John?!

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LAUGHTER

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It is technically very good news.

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We were 1.2% last quarter

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and this is a stonking 0.4% decrease.

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So, that's very good.

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-..Yeah, yeah.

-You see?

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You can see people's unrivalled joy(!)

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Not only have we got this huge growth rate

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but the ratings agency have changed our rating.

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So, Britain is no longer "basket case"

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and we've moved up to "not as bad as Greece".

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Which is a pretty high rating nowadays.

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Particularly those people who've been on holiday in Greece

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and have had to wipe their bottoms and put it in a bin.

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That's wrong and they're above us.

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Has anyone ever had that experience on a Greek holiday?

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Don't go to Greece! They don't show you that bit in Mamma Mia, I tell you!

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But how reliable are these figures?

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It's a measure of GDP, which is manufacturing.

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-And what's manufacturing nowadays...?

-Manufacturing figures, mostly.

-Right.

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Is a TV show manu...? Is the X Factor manufacturing?

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It's definitely manufactur-ED!

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-But is it manufacturing?

-Are you suggesting it's rigged in some way?

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LAUGHTER

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He's the editor of Private Eye - he doesn't get out.

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I'm not suggesting anything, Ian.

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-That's entirely your interpretation of...

-Oh, good.

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-All right...

-Good legal out there!

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Now it looks like, Ian, you're going to prison now!

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You've got to come back with something now.

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Wouldn't you love it if the editor of Private Eye was sent to prison,

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as now you've got to be really bad to go to prison.

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They'll put you in with murderers, and say, "What did you do?"

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"I said something a little bit slanderous.

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"I accused X Factor of being rigged."

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No, I asked. It's very, very different. Um...!

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I'll say it's rigged, if that helps.

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-Absolutely.

-OK.

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-I'll say it's rigged as well.

-Yeah.

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That bloke in the audience, he told me he KNOWS it's rigged.

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And not only is it rigged, it's shit!

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APPLAUSE

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After last week's doom and gloom,

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the Government is trying to remain a little bit upbeat,

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and David Cameron went to the CBI.

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He said he wants to:

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-Could happen.

-Yeah, could happen.

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Which means the country needs entrepreneurs and inventors in order to move on

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with its next level of development, which, Miles, you'll appreciate.

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Or should I say, Archie The Inventor?

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Take a box and some yoghurt pot tops.

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Hey, it's a car.

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# Inventing with Archie is never a bore

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# Come on, let's make some more

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# Build a rocket from a squidgy bottle

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# And stick on bits of junk

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# Here's a crazy clip-clop puppet Dancing to the honky-tonk. #

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APPLAUSE

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-Great.

-Don't they use that to bring people out of comas?

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I thought being on Have I Got News For You would be a real chance to lay to rest Balamory, but...

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I've prepared stuff about the news and everything.

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Don't worry, we've got Andy's first porn clip coming up.

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Yeah, it's coming back to me now.

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What was the signs this week that despite the hard times, Cameron and Clegg have a lot in common?

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-They've both been on Desert Island Discs...

-Mmm.

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Clegg chose lots of songs he claims he hated before the election.

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What was interesting. According to The Express their musical choices on Desert Island Discs

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complement each other perfectly.

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The only group they agreed upon was Radiohead.

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-That just doesn't cheer you up.

-No, you're absolutely right. Radiohead!

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Ian thinks you're referring to Lord Reith.

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The most miserable band in the world.

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-I've actually heard the Radiohead and they are pretty gloomy.

-Are they?

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I think in this whole situation you've got to accept it's been tactically

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brilliantly played by Cameron.

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-What he's doing is he's using the Lib-Dems as a human shield.

-Yeah.

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That's what you're looking at. It's not a coalition, it's a hostage situation.

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Ah, but they both smoke, like all the leaders in the film clip.

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It was a luxury item. He said smoking was his luxury thing would be to have some cigarettes.

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But that's not really a luxury item. They're available in the majority if convenience stores.

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Newsnight investigated whether we as a nation

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accurately care the fact that Nick Clegg is a smoker.

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-Nick Clegg smokes.

-I don't know.

-He does.

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Do you care?

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No, no, I don't care.

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What's the question exactly?

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Is there political significance to the fact that Nick Clegg smokes?

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I don't understand. You speak too quickly for me.

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-Nick Clegg smokes.

-Nick Clegg smokes. Smokes!

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Mr Clegg, he smokes.

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-Yes, I don't know.

-He does.

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-Do you care?

-No, I don't care.

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No, I don't care.

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Cameron's given up smoking, Clegg still smokes.

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Gives Cameron a huge political advantage

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because sooner or later, there'll be a Cabinet meeting

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and Clegg'll be dying to nip out for a fag...

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He'll come back and Cameron will have abolished income tax

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and brought back hanging.

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Why did Iain Duncan Smith annoy some people this week?

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He said you should get on a bus and go and look for work

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which has echoes of what Norman Tebbit said.

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If you get on a bus you do often see adverts for jobs

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but they're normally to drive a bus.

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So it's a very narrow field of work he's suggesting people go for.

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Tebbit said get on a bike and look for work.

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He's saying get on a bus which suggests the subtext is either,

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public transport has increased in terms of quality since Tebbit was saying that

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or it's a tacit acknowledgement that there aren't enough cycle lanes for job seekers.

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What he said was -

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He does have an impressive knowledge of the times and distances of the bus service

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in the South Wales area for which he deserves more credit than we're giving him.

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Peter Mandelson is back in the news. Does anyone know why?

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Is it his film? A film about him. It's called The Real Prime Minister.

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-Was he the real Prime Minister?

-That's the humble title of the film.

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You know the radio presenter Stuart Maconie? He told me this fantastic story.

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He met Mandelson. They were chatting away and Mandelson said,

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"Oh, my media image is a bit absurd.

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"Me as this great Prince of Darkness they call me.

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"This Machiavellian figure. It's ridiculous."

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He said that Mandelson's phone rang. And he, "Excuse me a moment."

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He turned away and heard Mandelson say,

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"This must be suppressed."

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Cherie Blair's back in the news. Does anyone know why?

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It's because she appeared in Private Eye. She was caught

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selling Tony Blair's signature on eBay.

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Oh, no! Really?

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It's all a misunderstanding and she wasn't doing it to make money.

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She was doing it to stop people cashing in on Tony Blair...

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cos that's her job.

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She's also been selling lots of Tony's stuff,

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which in most relationships would be a bad sign I think.

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On eBay she posted

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a watch that Berlusconi gave to Tony Blair.

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Can you imagine how tasteful a watch that Berlusconi had...?

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Hands that grope the numbers as they go round.

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You never could quite see what the second hand is doing.

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Tells you the time that Berlusconi should be doing.

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It's the continuing fallout from the Spending Review.

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The Government has announced that pensions will rise to £140 a week,

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which means in years to come, retired people will have a bit more money

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to pay off their student loans.

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To raise money,

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David Cameron is planning to convert Number 10's gift shop into a public business,

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with such merchandise and items as...

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..or the Nick Clegg as it's known.

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Paul and Andy, here's yours.

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Oh, right, it's a submarine.

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There's the... Oh, er...

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This is the ancient spell of how to get the submarine

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off the bottom of the sea.

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-World Hernia Championships.

-Yep.

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So this is the submarine, which hit the sandbank

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and is now up and about... Well, not up and about,

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but is now sailing safely through the rest of the sea, having got off the sandbank.

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It was near Scotland, so you've got Scottish people.

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Our question was quicker than theirs!

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The important thing about that submarine is that it's new,

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-it's a stealth submarine.

-That's right.

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Nobody is supposed to know...

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where it is.

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Well, the captain's supposed to know where it is, isn't he? Ideally.

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But other than that, nobody else.

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It is true that it's apparently got these rubberised tiles,

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so that it makes it a stealth submarine.

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Can anyone spot...?

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It is one of those special submarines.

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It doesn't need to be in water, it can go as far as Wolverhampton, can't it?

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It is quite amusing that it's called HMS Astute.

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Who is naming our warships these days?

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So you decide you'll name them after adjectives, fair enough.

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-So you go for HMS Intrepid, or HMS...

-HMS Obsolete!

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HMS Astute and its sister-ship HMS Shrewd.

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-HMS Canny.

-HMS Coquettish.

-Yeah.

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And HMS Aground.

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-There have been various theories as to why it's run aground.

-Too new.

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It was too new, the controls were still swathed in bubble wrap.

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The water was too shallow, wasn't it?

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APPLAUSE

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I think. I think.

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-Factually correct, to be fair.

-Sandbanks move, don't they?

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-They sort of move in the tide, so maybe they didn't have up-to-date maps.

-Apparently, yeah.

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The maps said, "Here be dragons."

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Apparently The Mail said it was to do with the fact that they were using old charts.

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I mean, I know there's been spending cuts, but you'd think...

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You could have got a Tom Tom really.

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-How on earth can you use old charts?

-Imagine how irritating a sat-nav in that submarine would have been.

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"You are on a sandbank."

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But one of the tabloids

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actually tracked down an expert on submarine design...

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Thanks, Prof(!)

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But there is a feature of this particular submarine's design that's quite unique.

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Does anyone know what it is?

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-Wheels?

-No.

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Wey-hey! I can see the inventor in you!

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-It doesn't have a periscope.

-Exactly.

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That's a pretty useless sub, isn't it?

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What do they do all day, if they can't say, "Up periscope?"

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But it also might explain why it ran into a sandbank.

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So it's been a week of military incompetence,

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culminating in the British nuclear submarine HMS Astute

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running aground just off a Scottish island.

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HMS Astute is designed to be at sea ten months of the year

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and is kitted out accordingly.

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According to The Daily Mirror -

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At least for a couple of weeks, that's true.

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Meanwhile, the Afghan President has admitted receiving bags of cash from the other rogue nuclear state, Iran.

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It's now emerged that last year

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the Iranian Ambassador gave President Karzai a gift of £600,000 in cash,

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whilst, not wanting to be outdone,

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the British Ambassador gave him a family-sized box of Ferrero Rocher.

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And so to Round Two, the picture-spin quiz.

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Buzz in when you know the story.

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BELL RINGS

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The Crown Estates own a lot of the coastal waters

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and they're getting a big grant to put wind farms in them,

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so the Royal Family are becoming richer as part of the Comprehensive Spending Review.

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You may like that or not.

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It's a touch unfair in the circumstances,

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but tough.

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How mental is that?

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-The Crown Estate owns all of the seabed...

-The Royal Family?!

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Owning parts of Britain?!

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Now the sea as well.

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How long has this been going on for?

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ANDY: I think Charles has put her up there, on that photo.

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He's getting desperate.

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He said, "You're not coming down till you abdicate."

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MILES: He hates wind farms, doesn't he? Charles. He thinks they're a blot on the landscape.

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The royals are, ironically, going to profit from things that stand there not doing a great deal.

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So wind farm and...

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LAUGHTER

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For the purposes of compliance, we should tell the viewers that that is a trick photo.

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She's actually on the one at the back.

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Apart from Prince Charles, who is a big fan of wind?

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Is it Prince Charles?

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-I said apart from him.

-Oh well.

-I would hazard a guess it's not him.

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Sorry, I find it very difficult to know what you're saying if it's not on the auto cue.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's completely unfair. You have a beautiful voice.

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I know what I sound like. I'm all right, I can live with it.

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I've heard my own answer machine and thought "Who's that knob head?"

0:17:500:17:53

Well, it's David Cameron. He's said:

0:17:530:17:57

Which is apparently his name for Eric Pickles.

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LAUGHTER

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BELL

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MILES: It's about 0.8 of an octopus.

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I don't know if you're a numbers man.

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LAUGHTER

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That is...

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-He was called Paul, well, he still is...

-He's called the late Paul.

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He had incredible foresight.

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Even by the standards of an octopus. And...

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He was offered two boxes of mussels, and each one had a country's national flag on it.

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And he chose seven consecutive German results.

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MILES: And now he's got one wrong and he's been killed.

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LAUGHTER

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You know what them Germans are like.

0:18:490:18:51

There is somebody who found him a little bit offensive, to say the least.

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-Oh, yes! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad...

-Yeah.

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..got really cross with an octopus!

0:19:040:19:07

He did, he said the revelations that the octopus was predicting matches showed,

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LAUGHTER

0:19:140:19:18

ANDY: But do you know, in a way, he's right.

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LAUGHTER

0:19:200:19:22

I'm now going to cheer everyone up.

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Across the pond has been the traditional,

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annual, dog dressing up for Halloween costume parade.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm confused, which one's the pet?

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Is it the crocodile with a dog shoved in its mouth?

0:19:390:19:43

LAUGHTER

0:19:430:19:46

I must say, I find that amusing.

0:19:480:19:49

LAUGHTER

0:19:490:19:52

That's become the product of an ill mind now, hasn't it?

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Time now for the odd one out round.

0:20:000:20:02

Christine O'Donnell.

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Paul Daniels.

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Fiona Robertson from the tourist attraction Wookey Hole.

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And Tulisa from N-Dubz.

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BUZZER

0:20:100:20:11

Christine O'Donnell, she's part of the Tea Party movement in America.

0:20:110:20:15

She's claimed on some TV station about 20 years ago that she was part of a...she wasn't actually a witch,

0:20:150:20:20

but she knew people involved in witchcraft. That made me think it must be about witchcraft.

0:20:200:20:24

She is playing a witch,

0:20:240:20:26

because in Wookey Hole they have an actress pretending to be a witch,

0:20:260:20:30

because a witch supposedly lived in Wookey Hole.

0:20:300:20:33

And N-Dubz are a very well known London grime band.

0:20:330:20:38

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:380:20:40

HE MOUTHS

0:20:410:20:43

Who told you that?

0:20:450:20:47

I think there may be some suggestion of witchcraft there.

0:20:470:20:51

So we're going for Christine O'Donnell because she's denying being a witch.

0:20:510:20:56

-Paul Daniels has claimed he's a witch?

-Yeah.

0:20:560:20:58

OK, the logic's breaking down here.

0:20:590:21:01

-Tell us, Miles, please.

-Maybe Paul Daniels...

0:21:030:21:05

-Why?

-He hasn't claimed he's a witch, he's claimed he's a magician.

0:21:050:21:09

-That should be the right answer.

-It is.

0:21:090:21:12

APPLAUSE

0:21:120:21:14

It is true, Paul Daniels has never claimed he was a witch,

0:21:170:21:20

although in the 80s, he was famous for a spell.

0:21:200:21:24

LAUGHTER

0:21:240:21:25

The Republican candidate, Christine O'Donnell, in a video that emerged from her past, said,

0:21:250:21:29

I think we've all had dates like that.

0:21:390:21:41

How did she distance herself from this quote?

0:21:420:21:45

-She did an advert that began with the words, "I am not a witch."

-Spot on.

0:21:450:21:50

I'm not a witch.

0:21:500:21:51

I'm nothing you've heard.

0:21:520:21:54

I'm you.

0:21:540:21:57

Is that the most crazy political broadcast you've ever seen?

0:21:570:22:01

You've got to feel sorry for Obama.

0:22:010:22:03

How do you govern a country that seems to decide that facts are the work of the devil?

0:22:030:22:09

What's their definition, the Tea Party, the Republican Tea Party

0:22:090:22:13

as opposed to the main Republican Party?

0:22:130:22:16

Well, the Republican Party is very, very right wing.

0:22:160:22:19

And the Tea Party are mad.

0:22:190:22:21

LAUGHTER

0:22:210:22:22

If you talk to Tea Party supporters, they all believe different things. The only thing they believe

0:22:230:22:28

is that they're claiming America back.

0:22:280:22:31

-But they don't know who from.

-No.

0:22:310:22:32

-From the voices in their head.

-Yeah.

0:22:320:22:35

She has a lot of crazy opinions.

0:22:350:22:37

These groups admitted that the report that said, "Hey, yay, we cloned a monkey,"

0:22:370:22:42

now are using this to start cloning humans.

0:22:420:22:45

Let them admit anything they want, they wont do that here in the United States

0:22:450:22:49

unless all craziness is gone.

0:22:490:22:51

They are doing that here in the United States.

0:22:510:22:53

American scientific companies are crossbreeding humans and animals

0:22:530:22:59

and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.

0:22:590:23:04

LAUGHTER

0:23:040:23:06

And I want their votes! LAUGHTER

0:23:060:23:10

I say, any chance of letting me out of this cage?

0:23:100:23:12

-Must it be cheese every Tuesday?

-LAUGHTER

0:23:120:23:16

I'm voting Democrat, myself.

0:23:180:23:20

-But then I have got a human brain.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:200:23:25

So the N-Dubz singer Tulisa has also said

0:23:250:23:27

she's dealt with witchcraft. You know N-Dubz? No...

0:23:270:23:32

No, no, very keen.

0:23:320:23:35

-Are you an N-Dubz fan? Name an N-Dubz track.

-Well...

0:23:350:23:39

Let's All Get Sex Up That Bitch? LAUGHTER

0:23:390:23:44

To be fair, that was the Cruft's national theme tune

0:23:450:23:50

for quite some time.

0:23:500:23:52

You've probably not heard of that one, it's a B side.

0:23:520:23:55

-Can you sing it for us?

-Yeah, let's have a tune.

0:23:560:23:59

# Oh, let's all...

0:24:000:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:04

# Oh, let's all get sex up that bitch...

0:24:040:24:07

# She's a slag... # I don't know, it sort of goes round and round.

0:24:070:24:11

Did you sing that to the tune of a hymn?

0:24:110:24:14

LAUGHTER

0:24:140:24:17

You're going to hell.

0:24:170:24:20

The other person in the picture was Fiona Robertson,

0:24:200:24:23

the witch from Wooky Hole.

0:24:230:24:25

She actually skived off work and when she said she was actually ill

0:24:250:24:31

she turned up on X Factor dressed as a witch.

0:24:310:24:35

After her appearance, the Wooky Hole Witch revealed...

0:24:370:24:40

Coincidence? Yeah.

0:24:460:24:49

LAUGHTER

0:24:490:24:50

And now the Missing Word round,

0:24:500:24:52

which this week features the guest publication...

0:24:520:24:55

The award winning magazine celebrating Lancashire and Yorkshire

0:24:560:25:01

and all their brilliant fights.

0:25:010:25:04

LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:06

We start with...

0:25:060:25:08

Lancashire! The North. Warrington, Wigan. I'm going to do all the northern towns.

0:25:080:25:13

You're getting close. It is a place in the North.

0:25:130:25:16

Islington!

0:25:160:25:17

Carlisle. LAUGHTER

0:25:170:25:20

APPLAUSE

0:25:200:25:23

For those living inside the M25, that's really funny.

0:25:230:25:26

Outside the M25, he may as well have said Narnia.

0:25:260:25:30

LAUGHTER

0:25:300:25:31

It's actually...

0:25:310:25:33

Among the wonders of the Yorkshire town of Skipton is a shop that sells

0:25:340:25:39

LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:42

Next, what... Says Woman Declared Dead?

0:25:420:25:47

-I demand a second opinion!

-LAUGHTER

0:25:470:25:51

Surprise!

0:25:510:25:52

LAUGHTER

0:25:520:25:55

-She said, "I've had a nice sleep."

-That's exactly it.

0:25:550:25:58

The Daily Telegraph described the confusion.

0:26:020:26:04

As he removed several items from eBay.

0:26:080:26:12

LAUGHTER

0:26:120:26:14

Uncle concerned about his girds told to what?

0:26:140:26:18

-Stop making up words that don't exist.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:180:26:21

Just make up words. Uncle concerned about his girds told to nebber a nobber a noober.

0:26:210:26:26

LAUGHTER

0:26:260:26:29

It's the month.

0:26:290:26:32

Ignore the misprint in the newspaper headline.

0:26:320:26:35

LAUGHTER

0:26:350:26:38

LAUGHTER

0:26:430:26:45

Is this from the Northern Magazine?

0:26:450:26:47

It is from the Northern Magazine.

0:26:470:26:49

Men with lots of what are not as sexy?

0:26:520:26:55

Er, testicles.

0:26:550:26:57

LAUGHTER

0:26:570:26:59

I don't know why I said that, it was a strange image that popped into my head.

0:26:590:27:03

It was better out than in, to coin a phrase.

0:27:030:27:07

-Whippets.

-It's a football story.

0:27:070:27:10

It's actually "sisters". This is a study

0:27:100:27:13

that found that male rats with more sisters attracted fewer mates.

0:27:130:27:17

The study was carried out by...

0:27:170:27:19

He's got a PhD in watching rats shag.

0:27:230:27:28

LAUGHTER

0:27:280:27:29

And so to the final scores, which are...

0:27:290:27:31

Paul and Andy have five, but Ian and Miles win cos they've scored six.

0:27:310:27:36

APPLAUSE

0:27:360:27:39

And I leave you with news that in the wake of the Spending Review,

0:27:420:27:46

Michael Gove unveils the new state-of-the-art defence system.

0:27:460:27:50

LAUGHTER

0:27:500:27:53

And London rehearsals begin for Labour's production of Gone With The Wind.

0:27:530:27:58

LAUGHTER

0:27:580:28:01

Where is Ed Miliband's right hand?

0:28:010:28:04

LAUGHTER

0:28:040:28:06

And on Westminster's first ever dress down Friday

0:28:060:28:09

Boris Johnson's casual look is trumped by Vince Cable.

0:28:090:28:13

LAUGHTER

0:28:130:28:17

Good night!

0:28:170:28:19

APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:22

Subtitles by RED BEE MEDIA LTD

0:28:480:28:50

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:500:28:53