Episode 4 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 4

The popular news quiz returns, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Chris Addison and guest panellists James Blunt and Nick Robinson.


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Chris Addison.

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After accidentally spilling soup over the Director General,

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political editor Nick Robinson fears he may have slipped down the pecking order for big investigations.

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Who designed the Angel of the North?

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APPLAUSE

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At an IT conference one expert can't help noticing the guest speaker is using a limited edition, hi-def

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app on the Smart Tablet with micro-channel architecture

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and cross-network management protocol.

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And at a house in Wisconsin there's evidence that the higher quality of

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food available to rats is improving their brain power.

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With Paul Merton is the BBC's Political Editor who once responded to a jibe

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about his bald head from George Bush

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by saying, "I didn't know you cared."

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To which Bush replied, "I don't."

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Please welcome the only person ever to be outsmarted by George W Bush -

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Nick Robinson.

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APPLAUSE

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With Ian Hislop a musician and former soldier

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who entertains the troops in Afghanistan saying,

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"I'll sing the Taliban into surrendering."

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After the defence cuts he's all we've got.

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Please welcome James Blunt.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and James, Here's yours.

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That's l'entente cordiale.

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Here is who's signing it.

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Sarkozy doesn't believe a word of it.

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They're French, aren't they?

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I was looking for British soldiers, but there are none.

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Two short French people.

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And that's what happens.

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You were a soldier, though. How would this impact?

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The French and the English are going to have a joint command.

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-Would that have been good?

-That would be dangerous.

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I've experienced that kind of thing of working with people before.

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I had to say on a radio working with foreign soldiers,

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"Regardez a gauche, les Serbs."

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And then I realised they were Italian.

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I'm told the French soldiers are going to speak English.

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Is the standard of English among British...

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The standard of French amongst British troops?

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English amongst British soldiers is pretty low, you're right.

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We're going to have a hard time, the French understanding us.

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If we were sharing an aircraft carrier, they drive on the other side of the road.

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We get it Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

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What if we have a war with France?

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We'll have to bomb our own air aircraft carrier.

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On the subject of having French as allies,

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Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf had clear views. Anyone remember what he said?

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He implied if you went into battle with the French you might as well go in on your own.

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Yes, he said:

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-Which bit of kit has been causing Sarkozy trouble this week?

-Shoes.

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I thought his shoes weren't giving him enough height.

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Are you suggesting he should go glam rock style?

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You may laugh, he does.

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James will have met him.

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When you met him and Carla,

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he must have said, "I really like your work."

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And I said, "I really like your wife."

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"Let's swap."

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It was his £160 million jet,

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which was alleged in the press

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to have been kitted out sumptuously with:

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He asked for a bath and they pointed if there was turbulence,

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the electrics could go.

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If he's the president, can't he have a bath with wings so he can

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glide to the ground?

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Let the bath water out slowly to

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lose height.

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I did physics at school. Has it changed much?

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It's working a treat.

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I always thought in plane crashes you should jump off at the last minute, but it's not like that.

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Coming towards the ground you think you can easily jump six foot.

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-Just step off. Why doesn't everyone do it?

-There's a queue.

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-APPLAUSE

-That's what I'd do.

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Some people get really cross about this link-up with the French.

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No matter how cross you get, however annoyed you are,

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it's important to keep your cool, isn't it, Nick?

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That he's seeking to deal with a deficit that he's

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protecting health and education, overseas aid, for example,

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and he's doing it by cutting welfare and by cutting waste,

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but he won't write the next chapters.

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All right, thank you, Nick.

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Well done for trying to get away from that person behind you.

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You should be ashamed of yourself, mate. Shame on you, mate.

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I was just trying to make a point!

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What new electoral measure has David Cameron been forced to bring in

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by the Europeans this week?

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It's to do with the prisons, isn't it?

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Could you elaborate?

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I only read the headline.

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It used to be in this country that the only people who couldn't vote

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were members of the House of Lords,

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lunatics and criminals which is a group

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that has a certain amount of...

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Overlap.

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But now Europe has dictated that prisoners do have the right to vote,

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so in some constituencies, I don't

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know Wandsworth or whatever, there's 2,000 votes going.

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Can they be trusted to get back from the election booth?

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During the general election do the MPs have to canvas them?

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Vote for me, I'll let you out.

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Anyone in here for fraud? I need some help with my expenses claim.

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I'd love to do a live. Wouldn't it be great doing from the lifers wing?

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We'd love to see you do that, Nick.

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Getting angry with one of them, perhaps.

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I bet you they think the Government is too soft on criminals.

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I want a more open society. Windows, doors, that sort of thing.

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I went to Wandsworth prison and had lunch and this prisoner said,

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"Nowadays, conditions are too soft.

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"It's no deterrent, When I first went to prison,

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"now that was a deterrent."

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Charles Kennedy did a visit to a hospital during the election with a TV camera and he asked

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the man in the hospital bed, "Who are you thinking of voting for?"

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He said, "Liberal Democrat."

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"What are you in for?"

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"Brain surgery."

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Silvio Berlusconi is in trouble. What's he done this time?

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He went for a skin graft but didn't realise he'd have his hand stuck on his forehead.

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She's charging how much?

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He's been trying to help a teenage Moroccan belly dancer called Ruby.

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He's incredibly generous like that.

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Very paternal.

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He bought her a diamond necklace

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and a car and gave her a lump of cash.

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And said, "Who's your daddy?"

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He's upset that people misinterpreted this and said,

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-"Why do people always go on about this?"

-He said:

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People's pert, young problems.

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-How did he get to know Ruby?

-Was it a phone call to the usual agency?

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Their eyes met across a suitcase of money?

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-They'd been somewhere together.

-Was it a lecture?

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It was at a bunga-bunga party.

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What's a bunga-bunga party?

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-Where you throw money at young women.

-And go, bunga, bunga.

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It's a naked party game, which, according to the Observer:

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Put that in context - they are Italian!

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He said something more today.

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Did he say the Italian people like

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men who like women?

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It's the proposal to merge British and French military forces in a shake-up of the entente cordiale.

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The new era of military co-operation could see British and French forces

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fighting side by side, both flags proudly flying,

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our Union Jack and their white hanky.

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Despite tensions within the EU, bizarrely Angela Merkel

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has revealed herself to be a fan of Midsomer Murders.

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The German Chancellor visited Chequers only last weekend and according to the Daily Mail,

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David Cameron lined up a Midsomer Murders marathon,

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or as the rest of us call it, an episode of Midsomer Murders.

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In Italy, Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi has got

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himself embroiled in yet another scandal involving wild sex parties.

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According to the Sunday Times,

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one get together featured a naked Berlusconi and 20 women, also naked.

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Then, after the Cabinet meeting, he went to a sex party.

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Paul and Nick, take a look at this:

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America.

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Yes, of course. They've had the mid-term elections.

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There's the new Republican senators.

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The Tea Party, obviously.

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A clue there for us, in case we didn't get it.

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There's Sarah Palin, Ian's favourite.

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Particularly when she lets her hair down.

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Yeah, then we all know about it.

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And then there's Obama, the President, he's not doing very well.

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The American people, one in four think he's Muslim,

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one in ten think he's a terrorist,

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one in 50 think he's a holiday that they took in Mexico in 1968.

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This is the American mid-term elections, which have gone disastrously.

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Yes. Lots of people have voted for strange people who believe odd things, but if you say odd things

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with enough conviction in America, people are willing to believe you.

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But not if you're a witch. That's the good news.

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If you were a witch, you don't get elected.

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Even if you deny you once were a witch.

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-Christine O'Donnell, she's the witch, is she?

-Yes. That's a small crumb of comfort, isn't it?

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In one particular election the witch didn't win!

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The witch who advocates that masturbation is a sin.

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Not if you do it right.

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It says on my card, "campaigned vigorously against masturbation"

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which seems ...

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The wrong way to go about a campaign.

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But the other people whose views are bonkers did win.

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There's been a huge swing to the, I suppose to the right,

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but in America, everyone is more or less on the right.

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Some people were pulling incredible stunts during the election.

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Some of the candidates. Did you read about any of these?

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Yes, but then I forgot about it, isn't it funny?

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-Sharron Angle, Republican.

-Yes.

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Said that under Obama two US towns were operating under Sharia law.

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This was a genuine TV broadcast from Linda McMahon, Republican.

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She started the World Wrestling Federation with her husband

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and thought this might get her message across.

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30 years ago, my husband and I started our business.

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It wasn't always easy.

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But we grew it into a publicly traded company

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that's creating jobs here in Connecticut today.

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It took hard work and perseverance.

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Washington could use some of that.

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-Vote for me or I'll physically attack you.

-Yes.

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I'm trustworthy because I'm violent.

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You can see Harriet Harman doing that wrestling thing.

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Can you see Harriet Harman doing it?

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Did you hear what political opponents said of Nicky Hayley,

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the victorious Republican candidate for Governor of Florida,

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who's of Sikh origin?

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Some distrust of the foreign?

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Well, yes, you've put your finger near it!

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He said:

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It's towel head.

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Dickhead!

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In the last US election, it was they hockey moms.

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Who are the right-wing Republican Banshees these days? What are they called now?

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-Mama grizzlies.

-Mama grizzly and the tea party.

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That does sound like a late 60s... California band.

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My first band was called Limp Willy and The Disappointments.

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You don't want that to be your last band.

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Sarah Palin said mama grizzlies are:

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Ha! That's good.

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When she was nominated for Vice president,

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the head of the Republican Party in Alaska was asked

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what her qualifications for high office were.

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He paused and said ...

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"She's the right age, and she's an American citizen."

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-How's Bill Clinton been helping?

-Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they've lost so badly?

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It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you as a candidate".

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-I think he'd be good for them.

-You like Bill Clinton?

-I thought he seemed like a very nice man.

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-Did you meet him?

-I have met him once, yes.

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Was he at one of your concerts?

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No, but he made me feel very special.

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Did you keep the dry cleaning receipt?

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What was the event?

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Um... Just a random dinner, dinner with Bill.

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Right.

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Also, Cher was there. She came up to me and said...

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"I want to tell you how much I like your work

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"and I'm really excited to meet you".

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I said thank you, felt very special and then she walked away.

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Five minutes later she walked up to me and said,

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"I'm so sorry, I thought you were someone else".

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APPLAUSE

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-Have you seen what Bush has been up to recently?

-He's been tweeting a lot.

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-I can't really get at anyone for that.

-Do you tweet?

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-Yeah.

-God, that's embarrassing.

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There is someone pretending to be me out there,

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which is even more tragic than being me.

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I found someone pretending to be me once and they didn't bother doing anything apart from one entry

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in the whole year, round about June, "time to get the barbecue out".

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I was really disappointed.

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This is what he's been up to, here he is. He's with his dad at a Texas Rangers baseball game.

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There you go. Where's a Yemeni printer cartridge when you need one?

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APPLAUSE

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Round of applause for the suggestion of double murder!

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-I expect you're proud of yourselves.

-Anybody got any views on the Yemeni bomb plot?

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I thought it was interesting that all these years that you've sat there and been searched

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and stopped in the airport and you thought, thank goodness they're taking proper security measures.

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Then someone says, what about the cargo stuff? Oh, that!

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Cargo!

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Oh, God! How stupid!

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It's all right, the cargo doesn't have shoes or trouser belts.

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You're standing behind them, they're rigorously searching

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an elderly woman in a wheelchair,

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poking and saying what have you got there

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and then there's a package that says, "to the synagogue"!

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"That's fine, chuck it on board". That's fine. "For the Jews."

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Yeah, fine.

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Rabbi Larry Edwards of the Chadash Synagogue said:

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This is the poor showing by the Democrats

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in the US mid-term elections.

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As evidence of his waning popularity, the Guardian

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reported that at the Wolf Steam Centre in Cleveland...

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Even worse, the biggest cheer he got was when he said,

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"Enough of me, here's Wagner".

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Is it Vag-ner?

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Yes.

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Isn't it the X Factor, M'lord?

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Ah, I am obliged.

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On the eve of the election,

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Bill Clinton made his own contribution to the campaign.

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According to the Times...

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including arousal, ecstasy,

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exhaustion and guilt.

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And so to round two.

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As a tribute to James, we'll be concentrating on some of the more

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beautiful aspects of the week's news.

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Here are some beautiful people who've been in the headlines. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BELL RINGS # You're beautiful... #

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-I recognised the song!

-Yes!

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Name that song in two.

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I pressed the buzzer because I wanted it to stop.

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APPLAUSE

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-What was the song?

-I've forgotten, can we hear it again?

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Hear it again. Ker-ching! Ker-ching!

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Harriet Harman, who used to be Equalities Minister and very keen on

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us not discriminate against anyone, came up with a ginger gag.

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Danny Alexander, saying he was a "ginger rodent".

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Rodent. So, a double discrimination against rats

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-and people with ginger hair.

-Somebody in her family

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is a redhead and she's got a sister that's a water vole.

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Let's have a quick look at Harriet's first ever attempt at a joke.

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Now, many of us in the Labour Party are conservationists and we all love the red squirrel.

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But there is one ginger rodent

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that we never want to see again in the Highlands...

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Danny Alexander.

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A pretty clever place to make a joke about people with red hair, Scotland.

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A Labour source said it was just a bit of fun...

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LAUGHTER

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She was having a go at Danny because of his involvement in the coalition

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cuts, but to be fair, Cameron has created one job this week.

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He's got his own personal photographer, so we're paying for photos of him looking nice.

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Yeah, Andy Parsons. Cameron's given his personal photographer a civil service job, allowing

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him to take flattering pictures of the Prime Minister at our expense.

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Here is the Prime Minister's personal photographer in action.

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That photo taken, obviously, by the Prime Minister's personal photographer's personal photographer.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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This is the couple in the Maldives, isn't it, that went for a ceremony and they thought they were having

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a sort of local, native ceremony in the local native language.

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It was only when they took the video back home, or whatever it was, and they realised they were being

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insulted in the most extraordinary manner and everybody has had a laugh

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at them and they are sort of crying somewhere in an attic somewhere in Wolverhampton.

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Yeah, as the happy couple smiled shyly to each other, the man

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conducting the ceremony chants: "You are swine...."

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He then said, "You may now kiss the infidel."

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To add insult to injury, what other material did he draw on for the blessing?

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He said your testicles will always be dry and then he revealed that was actually soup of the day.

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At one point, according to the Mail, he is heard reading verbatim from

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a script which, on closer inspection, is a document outlining staff

0:21:240:21:29

employment regulations. The resort manager, Mohammed Rashid, tried to play down the incident.

0:21:290:21:32

-What did he say?

-It happens all the time!

0:21:320:21:35

I wouldn't worry about it, it doesn't matter, it's all mumbo jumbo.

0:21:350:21:39

He said, "The man used filthy language, otherwise the ceremony was OK."

0:21:390:21:45

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:21:470:21:49

Katy Perry, Kofi Annan, C3PO and R2D2 and James Blunt.

0:21:490:21:55

Is it because Kofi's a nice dude who goes and does good things

0:21:550:22:00

to try and unite the world.

0:22:000:22:01

I wouldn't put myself in the same bracket as him necessarily,

0:22:010:22:06

but I go out and sing to the troops and that.

0:22:060:22:09

And you're a nice dude.

0:22:090:22:11

Thanks, Dad.

0:22:110:22:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:120:22:16

-And C3PO...

-This has turned into the Jeremy Kyle Show!

0:22:190:22:25

We've had the DNA results.

0:22:250:22:26

Here we are!

0:22:260:22:28

Is it a peacekeeping, troop entertaining...

0:22:280:22:30

It is not. It is not, that, no.

0:22:300:22:33

I am the only one in there I wouldn't want to sleep with.

0:22:330:22:36

LAUGHTER

0:22:360:22:38

What, even that dustbin thing?

0:22:380:22:40

It must happen sometimes.

0:22:400:22:42

Some of those kind of toys are the best ones.

0:22:420:22:46

LAUGHTER

0:22:460:22:48

Are you safe around pedal bins, are you?

0:22:480:22:51

Oh, we don't know, we don't know.

0:22:510:22:53

OK, they have all appeared on Sesame Street apart from Katy Perry, whose duet with Elmo was pulled from

0:22:530:22:58

the show because her dress was deemed inappropriate.

0:22:580:23:01

New York magazine described the decision to cut Katy Perry as,

0:23:010:23:05

"a rather harsh reaction, considering that her scene partner, Elmo, wasn't wearing anything at all."

0:23:050:23:11

LAUGHTER

0:23:110:23:13

The former UN Secretary General appeared on the show in 2001.

0:23:130:23:17

-Why was Kofi called on to Sesame Street?

-They were doing the letter K.

0:23:170:23:20

Couldn't think of anything else. What begins with K? Kofi Annan!

0:23:200:23:24

Quick, call him! He diffused a conflict between Elmo and the other

0:23:240:23:26

monsters when they argued over who would get to sing the Alphabet Song.

0:23:260:23:30

He sent in some Blue Berets.

0:23:300:23:33

They didn't do much, they withdrew and the monsters killed each other.

0:23:330:23:37

That is, basically, right. James appeared on the show in 2007.

0:23:370:23:41

# This shape was brilliant

0:23:430:23:46

# This shape was pure

0:23:460:23:49

# I saw three angles

0:23:490:23:52

# Of that I'm sure

0:23:520:23:54

# And I saw three pointy corners

0:23:540:23:57

# And then I saw three straight sides

0:23:570:24:00

# The top was very narrow and the base was, oh, so wide

0:24:000:24:05

# My triangle

0:24:070:24:09

# My triangle

0:24:090:24:11

# So beautiful, it's true

0:24:130:24:18

# It must be those angles

0:24:180:24:21

# Put a smile on your face

0:24:210:24:24

# Not to mention the hypotenuse... #

0:24:250:24:28

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:280:24:32

It looks like a hostage tape. Were you being held hostage?

0:24:360:24:38

What was the song about originally,

0:24:380:24:41

-before it was about triangles?

-Tell him what the song was about, James.

0:24:410:24:44

-It wasn't anything to do with you.

-Not about a square, then?

0:24:440:24:47

It was about stalking...

0:24:470:24:48

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:480:24:52

James Blunt sang a version of You're Beautiful on Sesame Street.

0:24:540:24:57

You can say what you like about You're Beautiful, but without it millions of

0:24:570:25:01

single women would be sitting at home with their cats in silence.

0:25:010:25:04

LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:08

OK, time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week

0:25:080:25:10

features as its guest publication Clowning Around, the magazine of the World Clown Association.

0:25:100:25:16

It looks like a nice, jolly cover, inside it's a tragic mess.

0:25:160:25:20

And we start with:

0:25:200:25:23

Football practice.

0:25:250:25:27

LAUGHTER

0:25:270:25:29

What publication is this from?

0:25:290:25:31

This is a silly game!

0:25:310:25:33

LAUGHTER

0:25:330:25:34

This is from Clowning Around.

0:25:340:25:36

Do you subscribe?

0:25:360:25:38

He's been on the cover!

0:25:380:25:40

The worst part of Clown Camp is the day that one leaves.

0:25:400:25:44

This is according to an article in Clowning Around which goes on to say, "There are no words to describe how

0:25:440:25:50

"difficult it is to say goodbye", so why not do a mind numbingly tedious mime?

0:25:500:25:55

LAUGHTER

0:25:550:25:58

Next:

0:26:000:26:01

I would say get laid, but that seems like a shorter word than that.

0:26:050:26:10

Well, if you can't get laid at the ninth biannual International Circus

0:26:100:26:13

Festival of Budapest there's something wrong with you.

0:26:130:26:16

It's a swingers paradise.

0:26:160:26:18

-He didn't make anyone laugh.

-He didn't do anything original

0:26:180:26:22

well enough to grab the audience's attention. Next:

0:26:220:26:24

Served five years in Parkhurst?

0:26:310:26:34

Pulled out.

0:26:360:26:37

Made a big public splash.

0:26:390:26:42

Ah, now, that's the joke you've put together, not me.

0:26:450:26:47

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

0:26:470:26:50

The answer is switched to white make-up.

0:26:500:26:53

The famous clown Emmett Kelly is now sadly deceased. He had an open coffin.

0:26:530:26:57

Still has. They can't close the lid because of his shoes.

0:26:570:27:00

And finally:

0:27:000:27:01

Happiness.

0:27:020:27:05

Is exactly correct!

0:27:050:27:07

Is it?

0:27:070:27:08

A wild guess.

0:27:080:27:11

So, if you're watching this show tonight in Norwich eating a medium

0:27:130:27:16

Cheese Feast, then you, my friend, are living the dream!

0:27:160:27:20

So, the final scores are Ian and James have five and Paul and Nick also have five.

0:27:200:27:25

Oh, well done.

0:27:250:27:28

APPLAUSE

0:27:280:27:29

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

0:27:320:27:36

Embarrassed London Mayor caught with oar.

0:27:360:27:39

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:390:27:42

And I leave you with news that parachute training begins

0:27:440:27:47

as the RAF plans to hit Afghanistan with our deadliest weapon yet.

0:27:470:27:51

LAUGHTER

0:27:520:27:54

In Devon, there are tragic consequences when one of the stars of the Anchor butter advert is laid off.

0:27:540:27:59

AUDIENCE: Ahhh...

0:28:010:28:04

And under constant threat of assassination, Vladimir Putin

0:28:040:28:07

and his wife admit they even wear camouflage when sitting on the sofa.

0:28:070:28:10

LAUGHTER

0:28:110:28:15

Good night.

0:28:150:28:16

APPLAUSE

0:28:160:28:20

Subtitles by RED BEE MEDIA LTD

0:28:460:28:48

E-mail: [email protected]

0:28:480:28:50