Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Chris Addison.

After accidentally spilling soup over the Director General,

political editor Nick Robinson fears he may have slipped down the pecking order for big investigations.

Who designed the Angel of the North?

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At an IT conference one expert can't help noticing the guest speaker is using a limited edition, hi-def

app on the Smart Tablet with micro-channel architecture

and cross-network management protocol.

And at a house in Wisconsin there's evidence that the higher quality of

food available to rats is improving their brain power.

With Paul Merton is the BBC's Political Editor who once responded to a jibe

about his bald head from George Bush

by saying, "I didn't know you cared."

To which Bush replied, "I don't."

Please welcome the only person ever to be outsmarted by George W Bush -

Nick Robinson.

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With Ian Hislop a musician and former soldier

who entertains the troops in Afghanistan saying,

"I'll sing the Taliban into surrendering."

After the defence cuts he's all we've got.

Please welcome James Blunt.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and James, Here's yours.

That's l'entente cordiale.

Here is who's signing it.

Sarkozy doesn't believe a word of it.

They're French, aren't they?

I was looking for British soldiers, but there are none.

Two short French people.

And that's what happens.

You were a soldier, though. How would this impact?

The French and the English are going to have a joint command.

-Would that have been good?

-That would be dangerous.

I've experienced that kind of thing of working with people before.

I had to say on a radio working with foreign soldiers,

"Regardez a gauche, les Serbs."

And then I realised they were Italian.

I'm told the French soldiers are going to speak English.

Is the standard of English among British...

The standard of French amongst British troops?

English amongst British soldiers is pretty low, you're right.

We're going to have a hard time, the French understanding us.

If we were sharing an aircraft carrier, they drive on the other side of the road.

We get it Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

What if we have a war with France?

We'll have to bomb our own air aircraft carrier.

On the subject of having French as allies,

Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf had clear views. Anyone remember what he said?

He implied if you went into battle with the French you might as well go in on your own.

Yes, he said:

-Which bit of kit has been causing Sarkozy trouble this week?

-Shoes.

I thought his shoes weren't giving him enough height.

Are you suggesting he should go glam rock style?

You may laugh, he does.

James will have met him.

When you met him and Carla,

he must have said, "I really like your work."

And I said, "I really like your wife."

"Let's swap."

It was his £160 million jet,

which was alleged in the press

to have been kitted out sumptuously with:

He asked for a bath and they pointed if there was turbulence,

the electrics could go.

If he's the president, can't he have a bath with wings so he can

glide to the ground?

Let the bath water out slowly to

lose height.

I did physics at school. Has it changed much?

It's working a treat.

I always thought in plane crashes you should jump off at the last minute, but it's not like that.

Coming towards the ground you think you can easily jump six foot.

-Just step off. Why doesn't everyone do it?

-There's a queue.

-APPLAUSE

-That's what I'd do.

Some people get really cross about this link-up with the French.

No matter how cross you get, however annoyed you are,

it's important to keep your cool, isn't it, Nick?

That he's seeking to deal with a deficit that he's

protecting health and education, overseas aid, for example,

and he's doing it by cutting welfare and by cutting waste,

but he won't write the next chapters.

All right, thank you, Nick.

Well done for trying to get away from that person behind you.

You should be ashamed of yourself, mate. Shame on you, mate.

I was just trying to make a point!

What new electoral measure has David Cameron been forced to bring in

by the Europeans this week?

It's to do with the prisons, isn't it?

Could you elaborate?

I only read the headline.

It used to be in this country that the only people who couldn't vote

were members of the House of Lords,

lunatics and criminals which is a group

that has a certain amount of...

Overlap.

But now Europe has dictated that prisoners do have the right to vote,

so in some constituencies, I don't

know Wandsworth or whatever, there's 2,000 votes going.

Can they be trusted to get back from the election booth?

During the general election do the MPs have to canvas them?

Vote for me, I'll let you out.

Anyone in here for fraud? I need some help with my expenses claim.

I'd love to do a live. Wouldn't it be great doing from the lifers wing?

We'd love to see you do that, Nick.

Getting angry with one of them, perhaps.

I bet you they think the Government is too soft on criminals.

I want a more open society. Windows, doors, that sort of thing.

I went to Wandsworth prison and had lunch and this prisoner said,

"Nowadays, conditions are too soft.

"It's no deterrent, When I first went to prison,

"now that was a deterrent."

Charles Kennedy did a visit to a hospital during the election with a TV camera and he asked

the man in the hospital bed, "Who are you thinking of voting for?"

He said, "Liberal Democrat."

"What are you in for?"

"Brain surgery."

Silvio Berlusconi is in trouble. What's he done this time?

He went for a skin graft but didn't realise he'd have his hand stuck on his forehead.

She's charging how much?

He's been trying to help a teenage Moroccan belly dancer called Ruby.

He's incredibly generous like that.

Very paternal.

He bought her a diamond necklace

and a car and gave her a lump of cash.

And said, "Who's your daddy?"

He's upset that people misinterpreted this and said,

-"Why do people always go on about this?"

-He said:

People's pert, young problems.

-How did he get to know Ruby?

-Was it a phone call to the usual agency?

Their eyes met across a suitcase of money?

-They'd been somewhere together.

-Was it a lecture?

It was at a bunga-bunga party.

What's a bunga-bunga party?

-Where you throw money at young women.

-And go, bunga, bunga.

It's a naked party game, which, according to the Observer:

Put that in context - they are Italian!

He said something more today.

Did he say the Italian people like

men who like women?

It's the proposal to merge British and French military forces in a shake-up of the entente cordiale.

The new era of military co-operation could see British and French forces

fighting side by side, both flags proudly flying,

our Union Jack and their white hanky.

Despite tensions within the EU, bizarrely Angela Merkel

has revealed herself to be a fan of Midsomer Murders.

The German Chancellor visited Chequers only last weekend and according to the Daily Mail,

David Cameron lined up a Midsomer Murders marathon,

or as the rest of us call it, an episode of Midsomer Murders.

In Italy, Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi has got

himself embroiled in yet another scandal involving wild sex parties.

According to the Sunday Times,

one get together featured a naked Berlusconi and 20 women, also naked.

Then, after the Cabinet meeting, he went to a sex party.

Paul and Nick, take a look at this:

America.

Yes, of course. They've had the mid-term elections.

There's the new Republican senators.

The Tea Party, obviously.

A clue there for us, in case we didn't get it.

There's Sarah Palin, Ian's favourite.

Particularly when she lets her hair down.

Yeah, then we all know about it.

And then there's Obama, the President, he's not doing very well.

The American people, one in four think he's Muslim,

one in ten think he's a terrorist,

one in 50 think he's a holiday that they took in Mexico in 1968.

This is the American mid-term elections, which have gone disastrously.

Yes. Lots of people have voted for strange people who believe odd things, but if you say odd things

with enough conviction in America, people are willing to believe you.

But not if you're a witch. That's the good news.

If you were a witch, you don't get elected.

Even if you deny you once were a witch.

-Christine O'Donnell, she's the witch, is she?

-Yes. That's a small crumb of comfort, isn't it?

In one particular election the witch didn't win!

The witch who advocates that masturbation is a sin.

Not if you do it right.

It says on my card, "campaigned vigorously against masturbation"

which seems ...

The wrong way to go about a campaign.

But the other people whose views are bonkers did win.

There's been a huge swing to the, I suppose to the right,

but in America, everyone is more or less on the right.

Some people were pulling incredible stunts during the election.

Some of the candidates. Did you read about any of these?

Yes, but then I forgot about it, isn't it funny?

-Sharron Angle, Republican.

-Yes.

Said that under Obama two US towns were operating under Sharia law.

This was a genuine TV broadcast from Linda McMahon, Republican.

She started the World Wrestling Federation with her husband

and thought this might get her message across.

30 years ago, my husband and I started our business.

It wasn't always easy.

But we grew it into a publicly traded company

that's creating jobs here in Connecticut today.

It took hard work and perseverance.

Washington could use some of that.

-Vote for me or I'll physically attack you.

-Yes.

I'm trustworthy because I'm violent.

You can see Harriet Harman doing that wrestling thing.

Can you see Harriet Harman doing it?

Did you hear what political opponents said of Nicky Hayley,

the victorious Republican candidate for Governor of Florida,

who's of Sikh origin?

Some distrust of the foreign?

Well, yes, you've put your finger near it!

He said:

It's towel head.

Dickhead!

In the last US election, it was they hockey moms.

Who are the right-wing Republican Banshees these days? What are they called now?

-Mama grizzlies.

-Mama grizzly and the tea party.

That does sound like a late 60s... California band.

My first band was called Limp Willy and The Disappointments.

You don't want that to be your last band.

Sarah Palin said mama grizzlies are:

Ha! That's good.

When she was nominated for Vice president,

the head of the Republican Party in Alaska was asked

what her qualifications for high office were.

He paused and said ...

"She's the right age, and she's an American citizen."

-How's Bill Clinton been helping?

-Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they've lost so badly?

It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you as a candidate".

-I think he'd be good for them.

-You like Bill Clinton?

-I thought he seemed like a very nice man.

-Did you meet him?

-I have met him once, yes.

Was he at one of your concerts?

No, but he made me feel very special.

Did you keep the dry cleaning receipt?

What was the event?

Um... Just a random dinner, dinner with Bill.

Right.

Also, Cher was there. She came up to me and said...

"I want to tell you how much I like your work

"and I'm really excited to meet you".

I said thank you, felt very special and then she walked away.

Five minutes later she walked up to me and said,

"I'm so sorry, I thought you were someone else".

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-Have you seen what Bush has been up to recently?

-He's been tweeting a lot.

-I can't really get at anyone for that.

-Do you tweet?

-Yeah.

-God, that's embarrassing.

There is someone pretending to be me out there,

which is even more tragic than being me.

I found someone pretending to be me once and they didn't bother doing anything apart from one entry

in the whole year, round about June, "time to get the barbecue out".

I was really disappointed.

This is what he's been up to, here he is. He's with his dad at a Texas Rangers baseball game.

There you go. Where's a Yemeni printer cartridge when you need one?

APPLAUSE

Round of applause for the suggestion of double murder!

-I expect you're proud of yourselves.

-Anybody got any views on the Yemeni bomb plot?

I thought it was interesting that all these years that you've sat there and been searched

and stopped in the airport and you thought, thank goodness they're taking proper security measures.

Then someone says, what about the cargo stuff? Oh, that!

Cargo!

Oh, God! How stupid!

It's all right, the cargo doesn't have shoes or trouser belts.

You're standing behind them, they're rigorously searching

an elderly woman in a wheelchair,

poking and saying what have you got there

and then there's a package that says, "to the synagogue"!

"That's fine, chuck it on board". That's fine. "For the Jews."

Yeah, fine.

Rabbi Larry Edwards of the Chadash Synagogue said:

This is the poor showing by the Democrats

in the US mid-term elections.

As evidence of his waning popularity, the Guardian

reported that at the Wolf Steam Centre in Cleveland...

Even worse, the biggest cheer he got was when he said,

"Enough of me, here's Wagner".

Is it Vag-ner?

Yes.

Isn't it the X Factor, M'lord?

Ah, I am obliged.

On the eve of the election,

Bill Clinton made his own contribution to the campaign.

According to the Times...

including arousal, ecstasy,

exhaustion and guilt.

And so to round two.

As a tribute to James, we'll be concentrating on some of the more

beautiful aspects of the week's news.

Here are some beautiful people who've been in the headlines. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL RINGS # You're beautiful... #

-I recognised the song!

-Yes!

Name that song in two.

I pressed the buzzer because I wanted it to stop.

APPLAUSE

-What was the song?

-I've forgotten, can we hear it again?

Hear it again. Ker-ching! Ker-ching!

Harriet Harman, who used to be Equalities Minister and very keen on

us not discriminate against anyone, came up with a ginger gag.

Danny Alexander, saying he was a "ginger rodent".

Rodent. So, a double discrimination against rats

-and people with ginger hair.

-Somebody in her family

is a redhead and she's got a sister that's a water vole.

Let's have a quick look at Harriet's first ever attempt at a joke.

Now, many of us in the Labour Party are conservationists and we all love the red squirrel.

But there is one ginger rodent

that we never want to see again in the Highlands...

Danny Alexander.

A pretty clever place to make a joke about people with red hair, Scotland.

A Labour source said it was just a bit of fun...

LAUGHTER

She was having a go at Danny because of his involvement in the coalition

cuts, but to be fair, Cameron has created one job this week.

He's got his own personal photographer, so we're paying for photos of him looking nice.

Yeah, Andy Parsons. Cameron's given his personal photographer a civil service job, allowing

him to take flattering pictures of the Prime Minister at our expense.

Here is the Prime Minister's personal photographer in action.

That photo taken, obviously, by the Prime Minister's personal photographer's personal photographer.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

This is the couple in the Maldives, isn't it, that went for a ceremony and they thought they were having

a sort of local, native ceremony in the local native language.

It was only when they took the video back home, or whatever it was, and they realised they were being

insulted in the most extraordinary manner and everybody has had a laugh

at them and they are sort of crying somewhere in an attic somewhere in Wolverhampton.

Yeah, as the happy couple smiled shyly to each other, the man

conducting the ceremony chants: "You are swine...."

He then said, "You may now kiss the infidel."

To add insult to injury, what other material did he draw on for the blessing?

He said your testicles will always be dry and then he revealed that was actually soup of the day.

At one point, according to the Mail, he is heard reading verbatim from

a script which, on closer inspection, is a document outlining staff

employment regulations. The resort manager, Mohammed Rashid, tried to play down the incident.

-What did he say?

-It happens all the time!

I wouldn't worry about it, it doesn't matter, it's all mumbo jumbo.

He said, "The man used filthy language, otherwise the ceremony was OK."

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Katy Perry, Kofi Annan, C3PO and R2D2 and James Blunt.

Is it because Kofi's a nice dude who goes and does good things

to try and unite the world.

I wouldn't put myself in the same bracket as him necessarily,

but I go out and sing to the troops and that.

And you're a nice dude.

Thanks, Dad.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-And C3PO...

-This has turned into the Jeremy Kyle Show!

We've had the DNA results.

Here we are!

Is it a peacekeeping, troop entertaining...

It is not. It is not, that, no.

I am the only one in there I wouldn't want to sleep with.

LAUGHTER

What, even that dustbin thing?

It must happen sometimes.

Some of those kind of toys are the best ones.

LAUGHTER

Are you safe around pedal bins, are you?

Oh, we don't know, we don't know.

OK, they have all appeared on Sesame Street apart from Katy Perry, whose duet with Elmo was pulled from

the show because her dress was deemed inappropriate.

New York magazine described the decision to cut Katy Perry as,

"a rather harsh reaction, considering that her scene partner, Elmo, wasn't wearing anything at all."

LAUGHTER

The former UN Secretary General appeared on the show in 2001.

-Why was Kofi called on to Sesame Street?

-They were doing the letter K.

Couldn't think of anything else. What begins with K? Kofi Annan!

Quick, call him! He diffused a conflict between Elmo and the other

monsters when they argued over who would get to sing the Alphabet Song.

He sent in some Blue Berets.

They didn't do much, they withdrew and the monsters killed each other.

That is, basically, right. James appeared on the show in 2007.

# This shape was brilliant

# This shape was pure

# I saw three angles

# Of that I'm sure

# And I saw three pointy corners

# And then I saw three straight sides

# The top was very narrow and the base was, oh, so wide

# My triangle

# My triangle

# So beautiful, it's true

# It must be those angles

# Put a smile on your face

# Not to mention the hypotenuse... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It looks like a hostage tape. Were you being held hostage?

What was the song about originally,

-before it was about triangles?

-Tell him what the song was about, James.

-It wasn't anything to do with you.

-Not about a square, then?

It was about stalking...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

James Blunt sang a version of You're Beautiful on Sesame Street.

You can say what you like about You're Beautiful, but without it millions of

single women would be sitting at home with their cats in silence.

LAUGHTER

OK, time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week

features as its guest publication Clowning Around, the magazine of the World Clown Association.

It looks like a nice, jolly cover, inside it's a tragic mess.

And we start with:

Football practice.

LAUGHTER

What publication is this from?

This is a silly game!

LAUGHTER

This is from Clowning Around.

Do you subscribe?

He's been on the cover!

The worst part of Clown Camp is the day that one leaves.

This is according to an article in Clowning Around which goes on to say, "There are no words to describe how

"difficult it is to say goodbye", so why not do a mind numbingly tedious mime?

LAUGHTER

Next:

I would say get laid, but that seems like a shorter word than that.

Well, if you can't get laid at the ninth biannual International Circus

Festival of Budapest there's something wrong with you.

It's a swingers paradise.

-He didn't make anyone laugh.

-He didn't do anything original

well enough to grab the audience's attention. Next:

Served five years in Parkhurst?

Pulled out.

Made a big public splash.

Ah, now, that's the joke you've put together, not me.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

The answer is switched to white make-up.

The famous clown Emmett Kelly is now sadly deceased. He had an open coffin.

Still has. They can't close the lid because of his shoes.

And finally:

Happiness.

Is exactly correct!

Is it?

A wild guess.

So, if you're watching this show tonight in Norwich eating a medium

Cheese Feast, then you, my friend, are living the dream!

So, the final scores are Ian and James have five and Paul and Nick also have five.

Oh, well done.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Embarrassed London Mayor caught with oar.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that parachute training begins

as the RAF plans to hit Afghanistan with our deadliest weapon yet.

LAUGHTER

In Devon, there are tragic consequences when one of the stars of the Anchor butter advert is laid off.

AUDIENCE: Ahhh...

And under constant threat of assassination, Vladimir Putin

and his wife admit they even wear camouflage when sitting on the sofa.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

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