Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

It's going to be tough.

If we don't hold our nerve it's going to end in disaster.

-Can we rise to the challenge?

-Can we deliver the jokes? Can we deliver when it real matters?

Presenting does not get tougher than this.

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

-Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gregg Wallace.

-And I'm John Torode.

After yet another week in which nothing's gone right for him,

Nick Clegg takes time out to help with his mate Steve's barn conversion.

LAUGHTER

After enjoying a couple of his favourite cigarettes,

George Michael just has to guide his car into a parking space and he's safely home.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

And, as an elderly gentleman sits down to watch his favourites TV programme,

he begins to wonder what the terrible racket outside is.

APPLAUSE

On Ian's team is a Channel 4 newsreader who,

when asked by a journalist what her dream achievement in TV would be,

refused to do answer. But now she's met us! Please welcome Samira Ahmed.

APPLAUSE

On Paul's team we demanded a comedian with a foodie name. We considered Dara O'Bream and

Lee Mackerel but decided in the end to go for...Richard Herring.

APPLAUSE

-And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.

-And believe me there are some big, big stories here.

LAUGHTER Ian and Samira, take a look at this.

-First birthday?

-That looks lovely that cake.

-I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden.

-In fact, I'm going to boot you out of it.

-Look. It's all sad now, isn't it?

-One year on.

-I couldn't give a Castlemaine XXXX for AV.

-Aw!

-He's so lonely.

LAUGHTER

That's the only Scottish Lib Dem left, but the Libs didn't have a great night.

They got slaughtered everywhere. But it is coalition Government. You share the responsibilities.

-The Conservatives do the winning...

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Paddy Ashdown said the Tories behaved really badly.

Instead of letting them win, they tried to win themselves.

LAUGHTER Was anyone surprised by the AV vote?

-No.

-I think... LAUGHTER

All the polls said it would go that way and it did.

It seems that Ed Miliband isn't making the inroads people hoped he would make.

They're missing an opportunity - obviously there is David as well.

They could swap and nobody would know but...if you find somebody who looks a bit like the two of them,

replace Ed Miliband, say he's grown a beard now,

then David Miliband could come in a few months later and everyone will think it is the same bloke.

-Genius!

-It is.

One year on the Conservative Party gained seats. Yes, Britain, tough opposition there.

It is like the left-wing are only happy if they are not winning.

It's like the good old days when they were in opposition for ages.

-Yes, nothing worse than being in power(!)

-You watch Ed Miliband in the next few weeks,

-he'll be talking through frosted glass.

-LAUGHTER

Just half a face behind a door. That's how they'll do it, you watch.

Let's look at some of the BBC coverage from election night.

Here's David Dimbleby talking to Eric Pickles.

Let's talk about England and what you expect,

because you know about local government,

even though you are not the local government Minister.

What kind of losses would you expect for the Conservatives?

Forgive me for saying I'm Secretary of State for local government,

-so I do know...

-Communities.

-Communities and local government.

-It's a biggish department.

-You don't like local councils.

-At least, Mr Dimbleby, I read my brief before I come on a programme.

-Yeah.

AUDIENCE: OOOH!

Oh, and look at this, look.

Here's David Dimbleby handing over to a reporter.

Sian Lloyd joins us from Cardiff.

Sian, we've been talking, you probably heard us, about the SNP,

the nationalist party in Scotland being on the up and up.

What's the position of Plaid Cymru...

SHE SIGHS

How did Nick Clegg account for the Lib Dems' bad showing everywhere?

We put our names on the ballot papers.

LAUGHTER

Poor old Nick Clegg, he's actually a regular at my restaurant.

Is that why he's poor old Nick Clegg?

He said, "How's things?" I said, "It's all right, the recession,

"but I'd rather have my troubles than yours",

he laughed and patted me on the back.

-Did you know what some people are calling him now?

-Mr Clegg.

I do know what they're calling him. This is the worst pun

I've ever seen in a newspaper headline, which is saying something.

"Pinickio", they're calling him Pinickio because he lies.

Is that what you've got?

No.

You talk about a pun, I saw a pun in whichever paper

Kelvin MacKenzie writes in, it must be the Sun, I suppose.

When Osama Bin Laden was captured he had this little joke,

he said the Irish SAS stormed into a department store

because they heard on the fifth floor

-because there was summer bed linen.

-No!

-Summer bed linen.

-Oh, he's just...

And it's stuck in my head and now it's stuck in yours. Who do we sue?

Can I take out an injunction against that joke? It's not a joke, is it?

-Are we done?

-Yeah, I think so. Let's go home.

Oh, sorry, there's more?

-Some of the council results...

-I didn't know it was timed.

You seem upset that we're making jokes, have you had quite enough?

You're like a school teacher, "It's your time you're wasting here."

-"It's getting cold!"

-Summer bed linen!

LAUGHTER

Summer bed linen.

The only joke written by spellcheck.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Some of the council results were extremely tight.

What were they forced to do in Ramsbottom?

Draw straws.

Draw straws, because it was the same number of votes.

You are absolutely spot on.

So here's the straw poll.

'Every election has its moments but few beat this.

'Up in Bury, after a dead heat and three re-counts,

'they chose to draw lots.'

CHEERING

We've got to longest straw! Yeah!

What are the Conservative Party feeling at the moment?

Fine? Happy. They're trying not to be triumphal.

I think there is an edict gone out

saying, "Don't laugh when the Lib Dems come in."

Almost, yeah. According to The Guardian, Number Ten sent a message

to Tory Ministers to avoid being smug in front of the Lib Dems.

LAUGHTER

A senior Lib Dem told The Sun...

Meanwhile, Lib Dem peer, Tony Greaves said...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Does anybody know how the potential leadership rivals to Nick Clegg

-are shaping up?

-Yes.

-Chris Huhne.

-Chris Huhne.

-He's never liked Nick,

or David and he's never been good at hiding it.

He's good at hiding his driving points though,

are we allowed to say that?

Oh! Are you suggesting

he tried to offload his speeding points onto someone else?

Cos that's what his ex-wife said,

after he left her and went off with someone else.

Chris Huhne does deny this.

How do you offload your points to somebody else?

I think you just say, "Will you say you were driving?"

Oh, I see, yes, of course.

Most marriages in this country are just held together by the fact

that wives have done that for their husbands

and he knows he can't leave... or she'll just say it.

Sometimes the most romantic letters in the world are DVLA.

LAUGHTER

What about David Laws's chances?

He's the Lib Dem who had to resign over his expenses.

He didn't want anyone to know about his private life.

-Right, so he charged rent to the public.

-Yeah.

He could have paid his boyfriend the rent himself, couldn't he?

Oh, and he was paying...

-Or his boyfriend could have not charged him rent.

-He was also...

AUDIENCE: OOOH!

Just an idea!

But also didn't the Parliamentary Commissioner find

that he was paying £200 to £300 a month more than the market rent?

So his boyfriend was ripping him off.

He didn't know his... "This is £500 a week, this flat, yes."

When you said you were a rent boy, I didn't know it was going going to be my rent... Something like that.

How would you sum up the Lim... the LibDems' position?

You nearly said Limp Dems.

A Freudian slip.

The Times did a poll and asked its readers to state which words summed up the three leaders.

It does look like the Tories will have to make a human sacrifice to appease the Lib Dems.

Do you know who it is?

Not Eric Pickles, then? Um...

Is it Andrew Lansley?

He is going to be hung out to dry. This is what Cameron does.

If you make a mistake and he didn't know about it, it's all over.

If you say you're going to reform the health service and everyone

says "Don't!", he says, "Good idea, I won't. You're sacked."

-David Milletts.

-Milletts?

-He was too intense. Sorry.

Don't lead your own applause, it doesn't look good.

I'm going to start again.

Can we talk about your starter, because it's lacked a bit of focus.

The two of you are fighting against the concept. You've come up

with mince and sponge pudding. Do you think that'll work in the end?

-Mince and a sponge pudding?

-Yes.

-No.

-I don't watch your show. No, I watched the other day to find out who you were!

APPLAUSE

-I did research. I researched.

-Very good.

-I think you are doing brilliantly.

-Thank you.

-Whoever you are.

Yes, it's the aftermath of the local elections and the AV referendum.

The Sun headline after the catastrophic local elections losses for the Liberal Democrats was...

Which is, coincidentally, how Charles Kennedy used to say it.

The triumphant SNP is planning a referendum on Scottish independence

by 2015, according to the Daily Mail.

So, independence it is, then.

I don't mind if Scotland breaks away as long as Gordon Brown is in Scotland.

Do Australians GET an opinion?

It was an Australian who managed to stop England being in Scotland in the first place -

Mel Gibson.

APPLAUSE

Paul and Richard, here is your story.

This is the schoolboy, Chris, I think his name is. He's saying it is unfair that boys at school

should have to wear long trousers in hot weather, cos girls wear skirts.

He can't concentrate, cos he's got trousers on in hot weather.

I remember that. I couldn't do equilateral equations

until I took my boots off and then it became clear.

I didn't learn Spanish until I removed my vest.

When I did my O-levels, it was such a hot summer, I sewed electric motors into my underpants.

But I did too many of them and I went out the window

and hovered above the science block for 45 minutes.

In the end, I made a robust descent into the deputy headmaster.

D'you know, and I still passed.

-How old is the boy?

-He is 12.

I was 19 before I got into a girl's skirt.

APPLAUSE

Ian, you went to a posh school. How important is it to take your trousers off to get on?

The important thing, whether you're wearing worsted trousers or tweed,

is to keep everything on and be as hot as possible for the entire summer.

It prepares you for the colonies.

APPLAUSE

12-year-old Chris Whitehead in Cambridgeshire.

He's a very brave young man.

My dad was my headmaster.

I wore sensible shoes. I had a briefcase.

I was in the school band so I carried a trumpet and a briefcase to school.

It was like I was a Buckaroo of bullying.

How many things can we put on this kid?

The skirt would have just tipped it over I think.

He'll be a hero. He took on the school, made them look ridiculous.

Other items of clothing banned by the school rules include...

There is this ridiculous fashion at the moment where young men

walk around as if they're carrying very large rocks in their trousers.

It's peer pressure. It is like rah-rah skirts 20 or 30 years ago.

They made women look like they were wearing giant nappies.

Now you've got a thing where your trousers are halfway down your...

How is that... Who, what, where?

How does something like that catch on? It seems to be incredible.

I'm bothered that rah-rah skirts clearly scarred you years ago.

No, unlike Richard, I didn't get into rah-rah skirts for some time.

You know, Richard once asked me out at college. People wonder why I said no!

I was 19 and yet to get into a girl's skirt. You could have been the one.

APPLAUSE

I think you've lost your chance, there.

You said, "Would you like to go out with me?" I went, "No."

And you went, "It was worth a try." And then you went straight off to someone else!

- That was my very good technique. - You worked your way around the room.

I started with the most beautiful girls,

then got down to Samira...

Oh!

-You said she turned you down!

-My big brother's here as well, Richard.

- Yeah? Afterwards. - All right, I'll give him a go!

Explain the Capri pants to me.

There's people at home going, "What are Capri pants?"

They're cropped trousers. Audrey Hepburn wore them a lot in the '50s.

-Like culottes?

-No, they're snug,

but they're cropped, sort of below the shin.

How did Chris describe the experience of wearing a skirt?

An interesting prelude to being beaten up.

He actually said:

RICHARD: Yeah, it's true.

Well, he's a bright kid, and no mistake.

-No stopping him!

-JOHN: Moving on,

and upmarket magazine Country Life has identified 39 life skills

that young people really ought to have. The list includes

how to skin a rabbit, sustain a ten-shot rally in tennis...

How not to lose your wristwatch inside a cow.

Most vital of all:

I don't know what jackaroo standard is.

Is he related to Danny La Rue?

Your skills list also includes the ability to slip away from a football riot once you've started it,

by shouting at some working-class people.

The deputy editor of Country Life, Rupert Uloth, has said...

"I hate my parents!"

He said:

-So, let's stat that debate.

-Yes.

How much of a knob do we think Rupert Uluth is?

This is 12-year-old schoolboy Chris Whitehead, who protested about

not being allowed to wear shorts in hot weather,

by wearing a skirt.

The school has been quite supportive,

right up to the moment he tried to wear a burka to French lessons.

The school has a firm dress code which includes no leggings or Capri pants

and no excessive make-up or nail polish,

which is bad news for head of geography Mr Wilson.

Have you checked there isn't a Mr Wilson there?

Cos I can feel a super-injunction coming!

And so to round two, and it doesn't get more second round than this.

It's the news bullock.

-Buzz when you know...

-The news bullock?!

Buzz when you know which news story each cut of meat reveals.

IAN LAUGHS

-MOO!

-Sirloin.

A story emerged last week that after the 9/11 terrorist attacks,

Marlon Brando, Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson fled New York

in a hired car to escape what they thought was going to be Armageddon.

This is... How I conjured it up from that picture, I've no idea.

I don't know if this is a true story...

Didn't they stop regularly cos Marlon wanted lots of junk food?

And Elizabeth would be looking for a husband.

"I've been married for 20 minutes!"

Don't let Michael Jackson drive, he'd be dangling his baby out the window.

Zebra crossings are very confusing for him - "I used to be like that, I used to be like that..."

-Who was behind the wacky idea?

-Burt Reynolds?

Has it got so bad on Have I Got News For You? that we've got to discuss

a ten-year-old story that clearly isn't even true?

-Is there really no news this week?

-It must be true - look, there they are.

So who do you think did all the driving?

It was Chris Huhne driving.

It turns out that Brando and Jackson shared the driving.

-Liz couldn't be arsed with it.

-It didn't! It didn't happen!

Elizabeth Taylor said, "I'll do a little stint in the middle."

They said, "No, it's all right, you sit back." This is exactly what happened,

just cos someone has said it, now it's true.

"I do miss Richard Burton. Look, there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken over there."

"Michael, quick, we haven't paid." "What do you mean?" "Beat it!"

This story is so thin that even The Mirror uses the word "allegedly".

And they're all dead.

This is the alleged road trip in which three of the world's greatest stars

fled from New York after 9/11 in a hire car.

While Brando was eating KFC, he bit into an unpleasant lump of gristle and bone,

as Jacko's nose had just fallen into the family bucket.

-GREGG:

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

COW MOOS AND BUZZER RINGS

-Ah!

-SAMIRA: This is Max Mosley, who attempted to bring

a European ruling on privacy, because of the idea that people

like him should get informed before someone runs a story about their orgies.

Just in case they want to go!

-GREGG:

-Yeah, this is the ongoing super-injunctions fiasco,

and Max Mosley's defeat at the European Court of Human Rights.

RICHARD: Is that picture taken at one of his orgies?

I thought he'd gone bankrupt but somebody said,

"No, he's just been strapped for cash". You can see how you could easily get confused.

I thought it was a very sensible ruling from the court, and I thought, hurrah for them.

He wanted to bring in a law that said you have to inform people in advance

if you're going to run a story about them.

At which point they take out an injunction and it's the end of the story.

It wouldn't have been great for freedom of the press.

-GREGG:

-How did some of the newspapers sensitively deal with Max Mosley's loss?

I expect they were triumphant and gloating to a revolting pitch, rather like me.

-"Up yours, Maxy-boy".

-Almost.

-Almost?

-Yeah. The Sun went for -

While The Mirror went for -

Twitter found itself in the centre of the debate this week.

How did that happen?

Someone on Twitter put up tweets,

supposedly naming the people, but they got it wrong,

which meant the papers could run pictures of people, saying, "It's not them".

"These two people have not slept together".

-Exactly.

-All the ones I've seen are really inconsequential.

If it's someone like a politician going,

"You must have family values," and then he's being...

I don't even know what BDSM is, I thought they taught me how to drive.

It explains why the seatbelts are a bit tight, now.

Reversing around corners is no picnic!

There's some useful advice to celebrities caught up in the confusion

from a journalist on Sky News.

If you don't want to be on the front page of the newspapers,

-don't pay hookers to stick dildos up your bum.

-Yeah, all right...

We used to sing that during the war, do you remember?

God, I really wish my dad wasn't in the audience!

This is the ongoing super-injunction fiasco,

and Max Mosley's defeat in the European Court of Human Rights.

Despite losing £30,000 in legal fees,

he's now considering taking the case to the Grand Chamber of Europe.

Gosh, he really is a glutton for punishment.

-GREGG:

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

COW MOOS AND BUZZER RINGS

Is this Samoa? Samoa has decided to move the other side of the Date Line.

It used to have its time linked to America,

but now it wants it linked back to Australia and New Zealand.

They're literally shifting themselves...

Well, not literally, are they? Anyway, somehow...

-They're rowing the islands!

-With the theme tune!

HE HUMS HAWAII-FIVE-O THEME

That was Hawaii, not Samoa at all.

Was that a little dance you were doing there?

No, I was the guy with the paddle.

I was, "Book 'im, Danno". The other one. "Ho Chi plays Chin Ho".

That guy.

That was an ITV show, how did you come to see this?

I must have been round at a friend's house!

-GREGG:

-Well done, Ian.

-Well done?!

For going round a friend's house?!

-For watching Hawaii Five-O?!

-And getting everything completely wrong!

It's the news that Samoa plans to move itself

from one side of the International Date Line to the other, by moving forward by one day.

Who's the mastermind behind this national time shift?

-Prime minister, isn't it?

-SAMIRA: The Doctor?

-GREGG:

-Yes, it is the prime minister. Here he is. After a big lunch.

He's trained those butterflies well, though, hasn't he?

How has the move gone down with the native Samoans?

Are they are unhappy at losing a day? Weren't there riots once,

when they changed the calendar, and they wanted their 11 days back?

The Gregorian calendar, when it was brought in, replacing the Julian.

"Hello, I'm Gregorian, this is my calendar, Julian".

Monica on MasterChef, she's Samoan, I'll ask her.

MasterChef, MasterChef.

I knew it was...

-It's a very popular cookery show.

-Is it?

Can someone Google it?

We should have more of those. Cookery show. MasterChef.

So, this is Samoa's plan to shift across the time zones.

Samoa is bringing itself in line with New Zealand time,

so now it's just 50 years behind the rest of the world.

Some people are not happy with the change.

According to the Daily Telegraph -

Although Huddersfield runs it pretty close.

This is where we start to apply the pressure.

You have five minutes, just five minutes left.

Time, now, for the missing words round,

which this week features our guest publication -

-GREGG:

-And we start with...

SAMIRA: Money.

A good, British sandwich.

ALL: Ooh!

-GREGG:

-Well, the answer actually is -

A full page of facts and figures

from the Village Sandwich Association

on the recession's impact on the sandwich economy ends with the line -

To be honest, Jim, I think probably one hotline number is enough.

Not now it's been on the telly!

Liza Minelli.

The Pope.

Aldershot.

RICHARD: Almost everything?

The buffet car on the London to Edinburgh Express.

Lord Sandwich, the Earl of Sandwich, has no direct connection to a sandwich.

-But he does.

-Yeah, I know, but they might have unearthed something.

Like on Time Team, "I can't believe it,

"I've got a cheese and pickle here, that was made in the 14th century."

"It's been in the ground, I dug it up, I can't believe it, it was in the ground". Was it that?

-JOHN:

-No.

If you find that disappointing,

I have equally bad news about the town of Scotch Egg in Cambridgeshire.

And finally...

-Go to the name changing clinic.

-Clinic?!

Let's make sandwiches like there's no tomorrow.

Let's allow proper names in Scrabble.

The final scores are,

Paul and Richard on five,

Ian and Samira on six.

APPLAUSE

I leave you with news that in Oxfordshire,

it looks like there's been one tabloid story too many for Mrs Clarkson.

And at a court in Rome, Silvio Berlusconi

describes in graphic detail exactly what he did with that female dwarf.

And as they frolic naked on their honeymoon yacht in the Seychelles,

there's a surprise in store for Kate and William.

- Good night. - Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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