Episode 5 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 5

Popular news quiz. Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode and guest panelists Samira Ahmed and Richard Herring.


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Transcript


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It's going to be tough.

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If we don't hold our nerve it's going to end in disaster.

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-Can we rise to the challenge?

-Can we deliver the jokes? Can we deliver when it real matters?

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Presenting does not get tougher than this.

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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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-Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gregg Wallace.

-And I'm John Torode.

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After yet another week in which nothing's gone right for him,

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Nick Clegg takes time out to help with his mate Steve's barn conversion.

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LAUGHTER

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After enjoying a couple of his favourite cigarettes,

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George Michael just has to guide his car into a parking space and he's safely home.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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And, as an elderly gentleman sits down to watch his favourites TV programme,

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he begins to wonder what the terrible racket outside is.

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APPLAUSE

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On Ian's team is a Channel 4 newsreader who,

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when asked by a journalist what her dream achievement in TV would be,

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refused to do answer. But now she's met us! Please welcome Samira Ahmed.

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APPLAUSE

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On Paul's team we demanded a comedian with a foodie name. We considered Dara O'Bream and

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Lee Mackerel but decided in the end to go for...Richard Herring.

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APPLAUSE

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-And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.

-And believe me there are some big, big stories here.

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LAUGHTER Ian and Samira, take a look at this.

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-First birthday?

-That looks lovely that cake.

-I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden.

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-In fact, I'm going to boot you out of it.

-Look. It's all sad now, isn't it?

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-One year on.

-I couldn't give a Castlemaine XXXX for AV.

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-Aw!

-He's so lonely.

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LAUGHTER

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That's the only Scottish Lib Dem left, but the Libs didn't have a great night.

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They got slaughtered everywhere. But it is coalition Government. You share the responsibilities.

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-The Conservatives do the winning...

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Paddy Ashdown said the Tories behaved really badly.

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Instead of letting them win, they tried to win themselves.

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LAUGHTER Was anyone surprised by the AV vote?

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-No.

-I think... LAUGHTER

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All the polls said it would go that way and it did.

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It seems that Ed Miliband isn't making the inroads people hoped he would make.

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They're missing an opportunity - obviously there is David as well.

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They could swap and nobody would know but...if you find somebody who looks a bit like the two of them,

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replace Ed Miliband, say he's grown a beard now,

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then David Miliband could come in a few months later and everyone will think it is the same bloke.

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-Genius!

-It is.

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One year on the Conservative Party gained seats. Yes, Britain, tough opposition there.

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It is like the left-wing are only happy if they are not winning.

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It's like the good old days when they were in opposition for ages.

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-Yes, nothing worse than being in power(!)

-You watch Ed Miliband in the next few weeks,

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-he'll be talking through frosted glass.

-LAUGHTER

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Just half a face behind a door. That's how they'll do it, you watch.

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Let's look at some of the BBC coverage from election night.

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Here's David Dimbleby talking to Eric Pickles.

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Let's talk about England and what you expect,

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because you know about local government,

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even though you are not the local government Minister.

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What kind of losses would you expect for the Conservatives?

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Forgive me for saying I'm Secretary of State for local government,

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-so I do know...

-Communities.

-Communities and local government.

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-It's a biggish department.

-You don't like local councils.

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-At least, Mr Dimbleby, I read my brief before I come on a programme.

-Yeah.

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AUDIENCE: OOOH!

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Oh, and look at this, look.

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Here's David Dimbleby handing over to a reporter.

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Sian Lloyd joins us from Cardiff.

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Sian, we've been talking, you probably heard us, about the SNP,

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the nationalist party in Scotland being on the up and up.

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What's the position of Plaid Cymru...

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SHE SIGHS

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How did Nick Clegg account for the Lib Dems' bad showing everywhere?

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We put our names on the ballot papers.

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LAUGHTER

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Poor old Nick Clegg, he's actually a regular at my restaurant.

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Is that why he's poor old Nick Clegg?

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He said, "How's things?" I said, "It's all right, the recession,

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"but I'd rather have my troubles than yours",

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he laughed and patted me on the back.

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-Did you know what some people are calling him now?

-Mr Clegg.

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I do know what they're calling him. This is the worst pun

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I've ever seen in a newspaper headline, which is saying something.

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"Pinickio", they're calling him Pinickio because he lies.

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Is that what you've got?

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No.

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You talk about a pun, I saw a pun in whichever paper

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Kelvin MacKenzie writes in, it must be the Sun, I suppose.

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When Osama Bin Laden was captured he had this little joke,

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he said the Irish SAS stormed into a department store

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because they heard on the fifth floor

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-because there was summer bed linen.

-No!

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-Summer bed linen.

-Oh, he's just...

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And it's stuck in my head and now it's stuck in yours. Who do we sue?

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Can I take out an injunction against that joke? It's not a joke, is it?

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-Are we done?

-Yeah, I think so. Let's go home.

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Oh, sorry, there's more?

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-Some of the council results...

-I didn't know it was timed.

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You seem upset that we're making jokes, have you had quite enough?

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You're like a school teacher, "It's your time you're wasting here."

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-"It's getting cold!"

-Summer bed linen!

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LAUGHTER

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Summer bed linen.

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The only joke written by spellcheck.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Some of the council results were extremely tight.

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What were they forced to do in Ramsbottom?

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Draw straws.

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Draw straws, because it was the same number of votes.

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You are absolutely spot on.

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So here's the straw poll.

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'Every election has its moments but few beat this.

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'Up in Bury, after a dead heat and three re-counts,

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'they chose to draw lots.'

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CHEERING

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We've got to longest straw! Yeah!

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What are the Conservative Party feeling at the moment?

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Fine? Happy. They're trying not to be triumphal.

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I think there is an edict gone out

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saying, "Don't laugh when the Lib Dems come in."

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Almost, yeah. According to The Guardian, Number Ten sent a message

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to Tory Ministers to avoid being smug in front of the Lib Dems.

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LAUGHTER

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A senior Lib Dem told The Sun...

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Meanwhile, Lib Dem peer, Tony Greaves said...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Does anybody know how the potential leadership rivals to Nick Clegg

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-are shaping up?

-Yes.

-Chris Huhne.

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-Chris Huhne.

-He's never liked Nick,

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or David and he's never been good at hiding it.

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He's good at hiding his driving points though,

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are we allowed to say that?

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Oh! Are you suggesting

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he tried to offload his speeding points onto someone else?

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Cos that's what his ex-wife said,

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after he left her and went off with someone else.

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Chris Huhne does deny this.

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How do you offload your points to somebody else?

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I think you just say, "Will you say you were driving?"

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Oh, I see, yes, of course.

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Most marriages in this country are just held together by the fact

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that wives have done that for their husbands

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and he knows he can't leave... or she'll just say it.

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Sometimes the most romantic letters in the world are DVLA.

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LAUGHTER

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What about David Laws's chances?

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He's the Lib Dem who had to resign over his expenses.

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He didn't want anyone to know about his private life.

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-Right, so he charged rent to the public.

-Yeah.

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He could have paid his boyfriend the rent himself, couldn't he?

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Oh, and he was paying...

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-Or his boyfriend could have not charged him rent.

-He was also...

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AUDIENCE: OOOH!

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Just an idea!

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But also didn't the Parliamentary Commissioner find

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that he was paying £200 to £300 a month more than the market rent?

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So his boyfriend was ripping him off.

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He didn't know his... "This is £500 a week, this flat, yes."

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When you said you were a rent boy, I didn't know it was going going to be my rent... Something like that.

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How would you sum up the Lim... the LibDems' position?

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You nearly said Limp Dems.

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A Freudian slip.

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The Times did a poll and asked its readers to state which words summed up the three leaders.

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It does look like the Tories will have to make a human sacrifice to appease the Lib Dems.

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Do you know who it is?

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Not Eric Pickles, then? Um...

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Is it Andrew Lansley?

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He is going to be hung out to dry. This is what Cameron does.

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If you make a mistake and he didn't know about it, it's all over.

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If you say you're going to reform the health service and everyone

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says "Don't!", he says, "Good idea, I won't. You're sacked."

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-David Milletts.

-Milletts?

-He was too intense. Sorry.

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Don't lead your own applause, it doesn't look good.

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I'm going to start again.

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Can we talk about your starter, because it's lacked a bit of focus.

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The two of you are fighting against the concept. You've come up

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with mince and sponge pudding. Do you think that'll work in the end?

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-Mince and a sponge pudding?

-Yes.

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-No.

-I don't watch your show. No, I watched the other day to find out who you were!

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APPLAUSE

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-I did research. I researched.

-Very good.

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-I think you are doing brilliantly.

-Thank you.

-Whoever you are.

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Yes, it's the aftermath of the local elections and the AV referendum.

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The Sun headline after the catastrophic local elections losses for the Liberal Democrats was...

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Which is, coincidentally, how Charles Kennedy used to say it.

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The triumphant SNP is planning a referendum on Scottish independence

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by 2015, according to the Daily Mail.

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So, independence it is, then.

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I don't mind if Scotland breaks away as long as Gordon Brown is in Scotland.

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Do Australians GET an opinion?

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It was an Australian who managed to stop England being in Scotland in the first place -

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Mel Gibson.

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APPLAUSE

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Paul and Richard, here is your story.

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This is the schoolboy, Chris, I think his name is. He's saying it is unfair that boys at school

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should have to wear long trousers in hot weather, cos girls wear skirts.

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He can't concentrate, cos he's got trousers on in hot weather.

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I remember that. I couldn't do equilateral equations

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until I took my boots off and then it became clear.

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I didn't learn Spanish until I removed my vest.

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When I did my O-levels, it was such a hot summer, I sewed electric motors into my underpants.

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But I did too many of them and I went out the window

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and hovered above the science block for 45 minutes.

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In the end, I made a robust descent into the deputy headmaster.

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D'you know, and I still passed.

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-How old is the boy?

-He is 12.

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I was 19 before I got into a girl's skirt.

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APPLAUSE

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Ian, you went to a posh school. How important is it to take your trousers off to get on?

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The important thing, whether you're wearing worsted trousers or tweed,

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is to keep everything on and be as hot as possible for the entire summer.

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It prepares you for the colonies.

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APPLAUSE

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12-year-old Chris Whitehead in Cambridgeshire.

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He's a very brave young man.

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My dad was my headmaster.

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I wore sensible shoes. I had a briefcase.

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I was in the school band so I carried a trumpet and a briefcase to school.

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It was like I was a Buckaroo of bullying.

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How many things can we put on this kid?

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The skirt would have just tipped it over I think.

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He'll be a hero. He took on the school, made them look ridiculous.

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Other items of clothing banned by the school rules include...

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There is this ridiculous fashion at the moment where young men

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walk around as if they're carrying very large rocks in their trousers.

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It's peer pressure. It is like rah-rah skirts 20 or 30 years ago.

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They made women look like they were wearing giant nappies.

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Now you've got a thing where your trousers are halfway down your...

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How is that... Who, what, where?

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How does something like that catch on? It seems to be incredible.

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I'm bothered that rah-rah skirts clearly scarred you years ago.

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No, unlike Richard, I didn't get into rah-rah skirts for some time.

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You know, Richard once asked me out at college. People wonder why I said no!

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I was 19 and yet to get into a girl's skirt. You could have been the one.

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APPLAUSE

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I think you've lost your chance, there.

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You said, "Would you like to go out with me?" I went, "No."

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And you went, "It was worth a try." And then you went straight off to someone else!

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- That was my very good technique. - You worked your way around the room.

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I started with the most beautiful girls,

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then got down to Samira...

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Oh!

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-You said she turned you down!

-My big brother's here as well, Richard.

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- Yeah? Afterwards. - All right, I'll give him a go!

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Explain the Capri pants to me.

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There's people at home going, "What are Capri pants?"

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They're cropped trousers. Audrey Hepburn wore them a lot in the '50s.

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-Like culottes?

-No, they're snug,

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but they're cropped, sort of below the shin.

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How did Chris describe the experience of wearing a skirt?

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An interesting prelude to being beaten up.

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He actually said:

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RICHARD: Yeah, it's true.

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Well, he's a bright kid, and no mistake.

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-No stopping him!

-JOHN: Moving on,

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and upmarket magazine Country Life has identified 39 life skills

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that young people really ought to have. The list includes

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how to skin a rabbit, sustain a ten-shot rally in tennis...

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How not to lose your wristwatch inside a cow.

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Most vital of all:

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I don't know what jackaroo standard is.

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Is he related to Danny La Rue?

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Your skills list also includes the ability to slip away from a football riot once you've started it,

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by shouting at some working-class people.

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The deputy editor of Country Life, Rupert Uloth, has said...

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"I hate my parents!"

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He said:

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-So, let's stat that debate.

-Yes.

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How much of a knob do we think Rupert Uluth is?

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This is 12-year-old schoolboy Chris Whitehead, who protested about

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not being allowed to wear shorts in hot weather,

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by wearing a skirt.

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The school has been quite supportive,

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right up to the moment he tried to wear a burka to French lessons.

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The school has a firm dress code which includes no leggings or Capri pants

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and no excessive make-up or nail polish,

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which is bad news for head of geography Mr Wilson.

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Have you checked there isn't a Mr Wilson there?

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Cos I can feel a super-injunction coming!

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And so to round two, and it doesn't get more second round than this.

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It's the news bullock.

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-Buzz when you know...

-The news bullock?!

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Buzz when you know which news story each cut of meat reveals.

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IAN LAUGHS

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-MOO!

-Sirloin.

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A story emerged last week that after the 9/11 terrorist attacks,

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Marlon Brando, Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson fled New York

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in a hired car to escape what they thought was going to be Armageddon.

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This is... How I conjured it up from that picture, I've no idea.

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I don't know if this is a true story...

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Didn't they stop regularly cos Marlon wanted lots of junk food?

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And Elizabeth would be looking for a husband.

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"I've been married for 20 minutes!"

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Don't let Michael Jackson drive, he'd be dangling his baby out the window.

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Zebra crossings are very confusing for him - "I used to be like that, I used to be like that..."

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-Who was behind the wacky idea?

-Burt Reynolds?

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Has it got so bad on Have I Got News For You? that we've got to discuss

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a ten-year-old story that clearly isn't even true?

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-Is there really no news this week?

-It must be true - look, there they are.

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So who do you think did all the driving?

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It was Chris Huhne driving.

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It turns out that Brando and Jackson shared the driving.

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-Liz couldn't be arsed with it.

-It didn't! It didn't happen!

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Elizabeth Taylor said, "I'll do a little stint in the middle."

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They said, "No, it's all right, you sit back." This is exactly what happened,

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just cos someone has said it, now it's true.

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"I do miss Richard Burton. Look, there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken over there."

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"Michael, quick, we haven't paid." "What do you mean?" "Beat it!"

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This story is so thin that even The Mirror uses the word "allegedly".

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And they're all dead.

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This is the alleged road trip in which three of the world's greatest stars

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fled from New York after 9/11 in a hire car.

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While Brando was eating KFC, he bit into an unpleasant lump of gristle and bone,

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as Jacko's nose had just fallen into the family bucket.

0:19:590:20:02

-GREGG:

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:20:030:20:06

COW MOOS AND BUZZER RINGS

0:20:090:20:11

-Ah!

-SAMIRA: This is Max Mosley, who attempted to bring

0:20:110:20:15

a European ruling on privacy, because of the idea that people

0:20:150:20:18

like him should get informed before someone runs a story about their orgies.

0:20:180:20:22

Just in case they want to go!

0:20:220:20:25

-GREGG:

-Yeah, this is the ongoing super-injunctions fiasco,

0:20:250:20:28

and Max Mosley's defeat at the European Court of Human Rights.

0:20:280:20:32

RICHARD: Is that picture taken at one of his orgies?

0:20:320:20:35

I thought he'd gone bankrupt but somebody said,

0:20:350:20:38

"No, he's just been strapped for cash". You can see how you could easily get confused.

0:20:380:20:43

I thought it was a very sensible ruling from the court, and I thought, hurrah for them.

0:20:430:20:47

He wanted to bring in a law that said you have to inform people in advance

0:20:470:20:51

if you're going to run a story about them.

0:20:510:20:53

At which point they take out an injunction and it's the end of the story.

0:20:530:20:56

It wouldn't have been great for freedom of the press.

0:20:560:20:59

-GREGG:

-How did some of the newspapers sensitively deal with Max Mosley's loss?

0:20:590:21:05

I expect they were triumphant and gloating to a revolting pitch, rather like me.

0:21:050:21:10

-"Up yours, Maxy-boy".

-Almost.

0:21:100:21:12

-Almost?

-Yeah. The Sun went for -

0:21:120:21:14

While The Mirror went for -

0:21:210:21:23

Twitter found itself in the centre of the debate this week.

0:21:280:21:31

How did that happen?

0:21:310:21:33

Someone on Twitter put up tweets,

0:21:330:21:36

supposedly naming the people, but they got it wrong,

0:21:360:21:39

which meant the papers could run pictures of people, saying, "It's not them".

0:21:390:21:43

"These two people have not slept together".

0:21:430:21:45

-Exactly.

-All the ones I've seen are really inconsequential.

0:21:450:21:49

If it's someone like a politician going,

0:21:490:21:51

"You must have family values," and then he's being...

0:21:510:21:53

I don't even know what BDSM is, I thought they taught me how to drive.

0:21:530:21:58

It explains why the seatbelts are a bit tight, now.

0:22:000:22:03

Reversing around corners is no picnic!

0:22:050:22:08

There's some useful advice to celebrities caught up in the confusion

0:22:080:22:11

from a journalist on Sky News.

0:22:110:22:13

If you don't want to be on the front page of the newspapers,

0:22:130:22:16

-don't pay hookers to stick dildos up your bum.

-Yeah, all right...

0:22:160:22:19

We used to sing that during the war, do you remember?

0:22:250:22:28

God, I really wish my dad wasn't in the audience!

0:22:280:22:31

This is the ongoing super-injunction fiasco,

0:22:330:22:36

and Max Mosley's defeat in the European Court of Human Rights.

0:22:360:22:38

Despite losing £30,000 in legal fees,

0:22:380:22:41

he's now considering taking the case to the Grand Chamber of Europe.

0:22:410:22:45

Gosh, he really is a glutton for punishment.

0:22:450:22:47

-GREGG:

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:470:22:50

COW MOOS AND BUZZER RINGS

0:22:530:22:55

Is this Samoa? Samoa has decided to move the other side of the Date Line.

0:22:550:22:59

It used to have its time linked to America,

0:22:590:23:01

but now it wants it linked back to Australia and New Zealand.

0:23:010:23:06

They're literally shifting themselves...

0:23:060:23:08

Well, not literally, are they? Anyway, somehow...

0:23:080:23:13

-They're rowing the islands!

-With the theme tune!

0:23:130:23:17

HE HUMS HAWAII-FIVE-O THEME

0:23:170:23:19

That was Hawaii, not Samoa at all.

0:23:190:23:22

Was that a little dance you were doing there?

0:23:220:23:24

No, I was the guy with the paddle.

0:23:240:23:26

I was, "Book 'im, Danno". The other one. "Ho Chi plays Chin Ho".

0:23:260:23:32

That guy.

0:23:320:23:33

That was an ITV show, how did you come to see this?

0:23:330:23:37

I must have been round at a friend's house!

0:23:380:23:40

-GREGG:

-Well done, Ian.

-Well done?!

0:23:420:23:44

For going round a friend's house?!

0:23:440:23:46

-For watching Hawaii Five-O?!

-And getting everything completely wrong!

0:23:460:23:50

It's the news that Samoa plans to move itself

0:23:500:23:53

from one side of the International Date Line to the other, by moving forward by one day.

0:23:530:23:58

Who's the mastermind behind this national time shift?

0:23:580:24:01

-Prime minister, isn't it?

-SAMIRA: The Doctor?

0:24:010:24:03

-GREGG:

-Yes, it is the prime minister. Here he is. After a big lunch.

0:24:060:24:11

He's trained those butterflies well, though, hasn't he?

0:24:110:24:14

How has the move gone down with the native Samoans?

0:24:160:24:19

Are they are unhappy at losing a day? Weren't there riots once,

0:24:190:24:22

when they changed the calendar, and they wanted their 11 days back?

0:24:220:24:27

The Gregorian calendar, when it was brought in, replacing the Julian.

0:24:270:24:30

"Hello, I'm Gregorian, this is my calendar, Julian".

0:24:300:24:34

Monica on MasterChef, she's Samoan, I'll ask her.

0:24:360:24:39

MasterChef, MasterChef.

0:24:390:24:41

I knew it was...

0:24:420:24:44

-It's a very popular cookery show.

-Is it?

0:24:460:24:49

Can someone Google it?

0:24:490:24:51

We should have more of those. Cookery show. MasterChef.

0:24:510:24:57

So, this is Samoa's plan to shift across the time zones.

0:24:570:25:00

Samoa is bringing itself in line with New Zealand time,

0:25:000:25:03

so now it's just 50 years behind the rest of the world.

0:25:030:25:06

Some people are not happy with the change.

0:25:070:25:09

According to the Daily Telegraph -

0:25:090:25:11

Although Huddersfield runs it pretty close.

0:25:160:25:20

This is where we start to apply the pressure.

0:25:220:25:24

You have five minutes, just five minutes left.

0:25:240:25:28

Time, now, for the missing words round,

0:25:350:25:38

which this week features our guest publication -

0:25:380:25:41

-GREGG:

-And we start with...

0:25:430:25:45

SAMIRA: Money.

0:25:490:25:50

A good, British sandwich.

0:25:520:25:55

ALL: Ooh!

0:25:550:25:57

-GREGG:

-Well, the answer actually is -

0:25:570:26:00

A full page of facts and figures

0:26:010:26:03

from the Village Sandwich Association

0:26:030:26:05

on the recession's impact on the sandwich economy ends with the line -

0:26:050:26:09

To be honest, Jim, I think probably one hotline number is enough.

0:26:190:26:23

Not now it's been on the telly!

0:26:230:26:25

Liza Minelli.

0:26:310:26:32

The Pope.

0:26:320:26:34

Aldershot.

0:26:340:26:36

RICHARD: Almost everything?

0:26:360:26:38

The buffet car on the London to Edinburgh Express.

0:26:380:26:41

Lord Sandwich, the Earl of Sandwich, has no direct connection to a sandwich.

0:26:410:26:45

-But he does.

-Yeah, I know, but they might have unearthed something.

0:26:450:26:48

Like on Time Team, "I can't believe it,

0:26:480:26:50

"I've got a cheese and pickle here, that was made in the 14th century."

0:26:500:26:55

"It's been in the ground, I dug it up, I can't believe it, it was in the ground". Was it that?

0:26:550:26:59

-JOHN:

-No.

0:26:590:27:01

If you find that disappointing,

0:27:020:27:04

I have equally bad news about the town of Scotch Egg in Cambridgeshire.

0:27:040:27:07

And finally...

0:27:090:27:10

-Go to the name changing clinic.

-Clinic?!

0:27:150:27:19

Let's make sandwiches like there's no tomorrow.

0:27:230:27:26

Let's allow proper names in Scrabble.

0:27:260:27:29

The final scores are,

0:27:340:27:35

Paul and Richard on five,

0:27:350:27:37

Ian and Samira on six.

0:27:370:27:39

APPLAUSE

0:27:390:27:43

I leave you with news that in Oxfordshire,

0:27:450:27:47

it looks like there's been one tabloid story too many for Mrs Clarkson.

0:27:470:27:51

And at a court in Rome, Silvio Berlusconi

0:27:530:27:56

describes in graphic detail exactly what he did with that female dwarf.

0:27:560:27:59

And as they frolic naked on their honeymoon yacht in the Seychelles,

0:28:030:28:06

there's a surprise in store for Kate and William.

0:28:060:28:08

- Good night. - Good night.

0:28:120:28:14

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:430:28:46

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:460:28:49

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest hosts Gregg Wallace and John Torode and guest panelists Samira Ahmed and Richard Herring.