Episode 4 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 4

Popular news quiz. Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Alexander Armstrong and guest panellists Victoria Coren and Ross Noble.


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week...

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Round the back of Westminster Abbey, as the Royal Wedding guests depart

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and the Duchess of Gloucester searches for her missing hat,

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the Archbishop of Canterbury unwinds and reflects on a job well done...

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There's evidence that some people already have access to

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the gruesome photo of Osama Bin Laden's dead body...

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And new evidence has emerged that US personnel practised for months

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every aspect of the Osama operation, including the burial at sea.

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On Ian's team is a broadcaster and journalist

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who caught out funeral crashers by creating a hoax death,

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so she should be an authority on this week's main news story. Please welcome Victoria Coren.

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And with Paul Merton tonight is a stand-up comedian

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who recently had his first haircut in four years,

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so if you are having trouble recognising him,

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I can confirm, yes, he is indeed Ross Noble!

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Four years?

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Yes.

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We start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.

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Ah! Amazing pictures! Osama on Shergar.

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And that's the house where he was found, living peacefully,

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undetected.

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That's the Republicans. They think that Obama's dead.

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"Oh, no, he's not."

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Guess this story.

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Yes, they got him. I expect that's the trouble over.

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Mission accomplished. It's all done. Ten years in, all over.

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They showed those people in Times Square, all shouting, "USA! USA!"

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I wasn't sure if that was a response, or they just turned the cameras on and that's what's always happening!

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Do you think the Americans have been a bit gung-ho?

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I think they've failed to get the story right afterwards.

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He was either cowering behind someone who was his wife, in a hectic firefight,

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then it turned into, "Oh, it wasn't his wife. She was shot in the leg.

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"He wasn't cowering behind her. He wasn't armed.

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"They're wasn't a firefight, one bloke on guard."

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By the time this is on, it'll probably be, "They were after Gaddafi."

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Do you know what the White House spokesman Jay Carney put this inaccuracy down to?

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Making it up as we go along?

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The fog of war.

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-Confusion.

-Oh.

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Do we have that picture of them watching - that was weird - in the situation room? Watching the TV?

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-We do, yes.

-It's a fascinating picture,

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because you don't see what it is they're looking at.

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Hillary Clinton looks so thoughtful, I like to think that, if you look the other way,

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it would just be Michelle showing them colour swatches...

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I like that other woman, at the back, peering in.

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She's going, "Is this human resources?"

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I was reading about how... apparently he had quite a nice, peaceful life there in Pakistan.

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-He had the neighbours' children over to play with his pet rabbits.

-Yeah!

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He sounds a real sweetie, doesn't he(?)

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-The place was named after somewhere where he'd been hiding previously.

-Waziristan.

-Yeah.

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But it was actually called Dun Murderin', the house.

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I loved the fact that the Daily Mail couldn't resist putting on the front page,

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"His £1 million luxury hideaway."

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The property prices, even in Pakistan, obssess them!

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And the idea that no-one in Pakistan knew he was there.

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"Do you know Mr Bin Laden at all?" Do you chat over the fence?"

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"Yes, he's lovely. Keeps himself to himself."

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Do they all sound like Alan Bennett in Pakistan?

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-(SOFTLY SPOKEN)

-"Oh, he was very nice. Oh, yes.

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"We had a sponge finger with a cup of tea."

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"I don't know about the beard, but..."

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-And what were the compound's special features?

-Bat cave? Was there a bat cave in there?

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Oh, Swingball! That was it, wasn't it?

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An expensive wardrobe of disguises?

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-Was there beard-straightening tongs?

-Got to be.

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-Yeah.

-Got to be.

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-There was a rubbish-burning area.

-Hang on!

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-Do you mean for burning rubbish, or do you mean...

-Ineffectively.

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-..that's rubbish, where you're burning that?

-That's how the neighbours knew.

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-Because he didn't put out - amusingly - his bins.

-That's right.

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The rest of them, dutifully - cos they're all Alan Bennett -

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putting out the bins every day,

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and there's Mr Bin Laden, he burns the lot. Why?!

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That could have been great. He could have had Dusty Bin Laden!

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Just a little can with a spinning beard. Hey!

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Apparently, all the intelligence came from Leslie Crowther.

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-It's true.

-Do you mean Ted Rogers?

-Ted Rogers! I'm a fool to myself!

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-Leslie Crowther's got nothing to do with it.

-You're right.

-You're making it up.

-No!

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Well, that's the trouble.

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The Americans said it was Leslie Crowther.

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-It turns out it was actually Ted Rogers.

-Oh.

-Obama went like that.

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He went, "Commence the mission in three, two, one!"

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And the beard... Look at that - one pensioner clapping.

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Up the back there, going, "That's a brilliant reference."

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Also, the compound had no functioning telephone or internet connections.

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Obviously a BT customer.

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So, what reason did Pakistani intelligence give for

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failing to notice this very cleverly disguised, massive, fortified compound?

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It was Cameron said that Pakistan was generally looking both ways.

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It's a wonderful image of the buildings there, and they're going...

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To be fair, the Pakistani authorities haven't got time to catch terrorists.

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Far too busy stoning rape victims.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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Sounds like a cue for a song.

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According to the entirely believable locals that the Sun spoke to,

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they'd always had suspicions about the compound.

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As in, "You've been ji-had!"

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-Are you saying that's a made-up quote?

-I think it probably is.

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-Mr Raza Khan(?)

-And also,

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if he was on a tractor, how did he hear someone saying "jihad" over the noise of the diesel engine?

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-He might have had a lunch break.

-That's a good point.

-Yeah.

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That's probably why I lost my job with MI6.

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-So, who was sent in to do the job?

-SEALs.

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-Do you know what the actual name of their unit is?

-Barry?

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According to the Daily Mail...

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How do they select SEALs?

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With names like that, anyone Welsh and you're in! They just go, "Do you want to join...

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HE SPEAKS COD WELSH

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(WELSH ACCENT) "Right, I'd quite like to find that Bin Laden, me.

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"Give me a fish and I'll be right in there."

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That's how they do it.

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It's an intense series of tests, including...

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Basically, they just watch Britain's Got Talent.

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Why did the burial at sea upset some Muslim fundamentalists?

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Cos they were in a dinghy just underneath...

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Boof! Aw...

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And he was respectfully buried from a height of 30,000ft.

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When he hit the dinghy, he was doing over 80.

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Unfortunately, it was a rubber dinghy, and he bounced straight back up!

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The Navy SEALs got a shock when he emerged...

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(WELSH ACCENT) "Whoa! Bloody hell! Look who's there.

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"I thought we got rid of him! We chucked him out the back.

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"Watch that bier on the rotors.

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"Go flying around."

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What specifically about the sea burial upset them?

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It means they've got nowhere to mark as a grave,

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-so there's nowhere as a centre for pilgrimage.

-More specifically, he wouldn't be facing Mecca.

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Depending on the tide!

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Yes, well, this is the comprising to a permanent end of Osama Bin Laden.

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The operation to kill the Al-Qaeda leader was perfectly timed

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after a busy weekend, and caught Bin Laden completely off guard

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just as he was taking down the bunting.

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Initial reports that the Americans had shot one of Bin Laden's wives,

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who was being used as a human shield,

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outraged fundamentalists, as his wife should have been at least three paces behind him.

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Describing everyday life at Bin Laden's compound,

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the Mirror reported that a range of newspapers were delivered each morning, adding...

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Blimey! I bet she had her work cut out on Tuesday!

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Paul and Ross, here is yours.

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-Right, yes, this is, um...

-Miss BNP.

-Yeah.

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They've become very popular.

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Here is one of their rallies in the centre of London.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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I don't think he's a real policeman.

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Who are these people(?)

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-I think it's done wonders for the tea towel industry.

-Exactly.

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-Cos it was flagging a little bit.

-Yeah, it was.

-Then - BOOM! - they're back.

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It's nice that they employed lip-readers to see what they were saying.

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She said, "I do," at one point, and he said, "I do,"

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but apparently, Prince Charles at one point turned to Camilla - via this lip-reader -

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and said...

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HE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY

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During the National Anthem, apparently the Queen turned to Prince Philip and went, "Sing it, bitch!"

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-You can't say that about the Queen!

-"They're playing our tune."

-What do you mean?!

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-You weren't even watching!

-Sorry, she said...

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(HIGH-PITCHED NASAL VOICE) .."Sing it, bitch." Sorry. You're right.

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What nugget did David Cameron share with Nick Clegg?

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I've never liked you.

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-I want a divorce.

-Yeah.

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He revealed...

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Where were they imprisoned?

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I mean, let's be honest, she's a good-looking girl,

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but there's no need for that. Really!

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-I mean, that's not...

-Not seemly.

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That is just disrespectful.

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"Oi! Use the hymnbook! Use the hymnbook!"

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That's what he said.

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And, of course, all the main news channels were there to cover the day.

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The BBC coverage was actually very dull

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so here's Damon Green of ITV News bringing us an exclusive shot of another truly British sight.

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This place is full of people. Let's cross the road - don't get run over.

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Have a look over there. Let's have a look.

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Inside that knot...

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Shall we turn our attention to the outfits?

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We're going to play a game called What's Wrong With This Outfit?

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Yeah, one of the ginger ones turned up as Satan.

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I'm sure it'll be nice about all these ladies who tried very hard to look nice,

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worried about it, went to the hairdresser, asked their mums, "Does it look all right?"

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I'm sure we'll pay tribute to the efforts they made on an important occasion.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, let's have a look at the first loser.

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-What's wrong with this outfit?

-VICTORIA: It's lovely and cheerful.

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Nice colour, flattering. ROSS: No hat.

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-She didn't have a hat on.

-That's what's wrong, is it?

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That's apparently what's wrong.

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ROSS: And she's only got one shoe, if you look.

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She hopped all the way up through the church.

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Pogo stick spring in the bottom of that.

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With a Land Rover door Sellotaped to her back.

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Who can sport what's wrong with this outfit?

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VICTORIA: Three people wore the same thing.

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That's exactly right.

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How do they get into THAT?

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-Oh, I see. Sorry.

-Is that every woman's worst nightmare?

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I mean, apart from being assaulted in a park or...

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Sounds like a cue for a song!

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No...

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And finally, anything wrong with these outfits?

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The Dark Lord is upon us!

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Let's face it - who can they ask for advice that's sane?

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-That they know?

-Do you know what that colour is called, that she's wearing?

-Beige?

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-Is it...?

-Jonquil?

-No.

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It's called "nude".

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ROSS: To be honest with you, with that latticework there,

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and with her hair, and everything, I fancy a pork pie.

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Let's just take a closer look at that hat, there.

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It's become a fashion item worldwide.

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Everyone's wearing it, as we can see from this picture on Twitter.

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-Shall we have a look at the kiss on the balcony?

-Yes. That's nice.

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The Duke and the Duchess of Cambridge. Aww...

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What's Truman Capote doing at the Royal Wedding?

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Let's look at the dress. Victoria, what do you think of THE dress?

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Just ask it again, but slightly more patronising...

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Ahem! The Sunday Telegraph decided to do some research into the highs and lows of the day,

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as experienced by the different genders.

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Meanwhile, male viewers reported...

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Here are two women from the Middletons' village of Bucklebury in Berkshire,

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whose reaction seems to back up this research.

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For such an ordinary family, this is just phenomenal.

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I can't believe it. I mean, look, look, look!

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Aw, look at William looking at her. Look!

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It's magical! It is absolutely magical!

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-I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!

-Beautiful!

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Kate's life is going to change so much, but...

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Look at her holding onto her father's hand so tightly.

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She's holding onto her father's hand so tightly.

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Bless them! Bless them! I am...speechless. Speechless.

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SHE SHRIEKS

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Kate! William!

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Why couldn't that have been the whole coverage?

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To back up the theory that men found the event utterly boring, who better than ITN's Mark Austin?

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Mark Austin's going to spend the day with them.

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He's out there somewhere on the Mall now. Mark?

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I'm only spending the day here if it doesn't rain, Phil?

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I'm surrounded by Scouts now,

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and there is something going on here which is rather odd.

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But never mind.

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-Are you going to enjoy yourselves? I don't know about that.

-Go on.

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-Pardon?

-Cheers to Will and Kate.

-All right, cheers to Will and Kate.

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Yes, this was the fairy-tale Royal Wedding.

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The wedding was covered by the world's media, including the German newspaper Bild, which lamented...

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You DO. The Windsors.

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Lip-readers revealed what William said to Kate in the carriage on the Mall.

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Thus summing up the next 60 years of her life.

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David Beckham wore his OBE, but breached etiquette by wearing it on the wrong side.

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Although, to be fair, it was on the correct side when he checked in the mirror.

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Round 2, and in tribute to this week's historic AV referendum,

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the stories will be chosen by the alternative voting system.

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On your ballot papers, you will have four stories to choose from.

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All you have to do is place them in your chosen order of preference.

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The story with the lowest number of votes will be eliminated,

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and the fourth choice will receive the second choice votes... It's very simple indeed.

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-Some people just don't get it(!)

-The results you've ended up with

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is the story that none of you really wanted.

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It's going to be cricket commentator. Why has Edward Bevan been in the news?

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-BELL RINGS

-Ian?

-Someone hit the ball,

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and he said, "Someone's hit the ball. It's coming this way."

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Then it came through his commentary box and hit him on the back.

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-He was commentating on the fantastic shot.

-And it hit him.

-I don't know why I'm telling you. We can hear it.

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You could say, Steve, that Somerset are on course for 350,

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which would be far from what anyone feels,

0:18:030:18:06

although one never knows in this wonderful game.

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As Robert Croft comes in now...and comes down and hits it up towards us! And is it going to hit us?

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BREAKING GLASS

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The ball has just come right through our window here.

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Edward's had a blow in the back, I'm afraid.

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The bizarre thing - this is the third time it's happened to that commentator.

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-That is exactly right. The third time.

-That's no accident.

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Wouldn't it be great if he did motor racing, though?

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"They're coming round... Oh, I'm on the bonnet of the car!

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"I'm sliding to the left, and to the right. Ooh, me skin's come off."

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"Yes", Bevan told the Mirror...

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When the ball struck the window, the startled Welsh-speaking commentator

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let out a shocking stream of 14-letter words.

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Cricket's very popular in Wales.

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Exactly the same rules, only there you can be out L-L-L-L-B-W.

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Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Victoria,

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your four are... A, B, C and...D.

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It's going to be a super-injunction thing, anyway.

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One of them almost looks identifiable,

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but I'm worried I'll start and a policeman will come on.

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No, you're all right. That's Andrew Marr.

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And the odd one out is Marr, because we know about the injunction now, because it's been lifted.

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You played quite a part in this, I believe?

0:19:390:19:42

Well, I got a lot of credit for, um, a story that I never actually ran.

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Um...I was going to, I challenged the super-injunction,

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then he went to the Mail

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and lifted the injunction and confessed, so hooray!

0:19:510:19:55

APPLAUSE

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He was embarrassed that he'd taken an injunction to protect his private life

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when he was asking questions on people's lives. When he's asking David Blunkett about his child,

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or Prestcott about his affair, it all looks pretty eggy.

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The Labour Party are furious, cos he asked Gordon Brown, basically, "Are you taking pills?"

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They said, "That's none of your business. This is my health."

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And he said, "No, no. It's in the public interest,"

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i.e., was Gordon taking antidepressants?

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I mean, WE were.

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Why did he get a super-injunction in the first place?

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Because he'd had an affair with someone and there was a child which he thought was his,

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and then it turned out it wasn't his, after DNA tests, so...

0:20:360:20:40

He got DNA tests?! They didn't just look at the ears and go, "Nah!"?

0:20:400:20:45

Who IS the father?

0:20:450:20:47

It's like you WANT to go to prison.

0:20:470:20:50

I heard it was...

0:20:500:20:52

It was the drummer from the Steve Miller Band?!

0:20:540:20:58

It was the head saxophonist in the Glenn Miller band?!

0:21:010:21:05

What?!

0:21:050:21:07

-But it isn't. It isn't either of the Milibands.

-Someone else entirely.

-Someone else entirely.

0:21:070:21:12

-Oh, God. Do I want to go to jail? Not hugely.

-Go on!

-Oh, all right.

0:21:120:21:17

It's good for the programme.

0:21:170:21:20

-Me not being on it is very good for the programme.

-We can go to a live link at you in Wandsworth.

0:21:200:21:26

Banging your tin mug against the bars!

0:21:260:21:28

It's not like that. I went to Ford Open. The governor said,

0:21:280:21:31

"You'd like it here. There's a bridge club."

0:21:310:21:34

The odd one out IS Andrew Marr... Sorry?

0:21:350:21:38

-I think I might have got an odd one out right for the first time in 20 years.

-Fantastic!

0:21:380:21:44

The odd one out is Andrew Marr as, thanks to super-injunctions, he is the only one who we can now name.

0:21:440:21:49

Just before Marr hosted his first Sunday morning show since the super-injunction was lifted,

0:21:490:21:54

his guests were whispering about the elephant in the room, but it turned out to be Andrew Marr's shadow.

0:21:540:22:00

Paul and Ross, here is yours.

0:22:000:22:03

-Corporal Jones.

-Corporal Jones.

-The Ministry of Information.

0:22:030:22:06

-David Cameron.

-David Cameron.

-And the Scousers.

-And the Scousers.

0:22:060:22:09

-ROSS: Catchphrases.

-"Don't panic" - Corporal Jones.

0:22:090:22:12

-Cameron said, "Calm down, dear."

-Yes, yes.

-And the Scousers...

0:22:120:22:17

-They were, "Calm down, calm down..."

-"Calm down, calm down."

0:22:170:22:20

They're all saying calm down. Keep calm, keep going is the Ministry of Information thing,

0:22:200:22:25

so, Clive Dunn's the odd one out because he says panic, and everybody else says calm down.

0:22:250:22:29

Is absolutely right, yes.

0:22:290:22:30

-Good.

-There we are.

0:22:300:22:33

During last week's Prime Minister's Questions, David Cameron told Angela Eagle,

0:22:330:22:38

the Shadow Treasury Chief Secretary, to, "Calm down, dear."

0:22:380:22:41

He refused to apologise, claiming it was just a joke.

0:22:410:22:44

It's Michael Winner's catchphrase - and our Prime Minister thinks it's funny?!

0:22:440:22:49

Victoria, you're a fan of Michael Winner, aren't you?

0:22:490:22:52

I had a bit of a spat with Michael Winner on Twitter,

0:22:520:22:55

because he made some remarks that I'm sure he meant as compliments.

0:22:550:22:59

I didn't take them that way. I'm a very humourless person.

0:22:590:23:03

Now he's bought be lunch... so now I really like him!

0:23:030:23:07

-You do really like him?

-I love lunch.

0:23:070:23:10

We were talking about driving and he said,

0:23:120:23:14

"Do you know you can drive in the bus lane for only £60? What a bargain!"

0:23:140:23:19

-What did Labour chiefs accuse David Cameron of?

-They said he was patronising

0:23:190:23:23

and sexist and misogynist and...Tory...

0:23:230:23:26

-..and, worst of all, Prime Minister.

-Hmm.

-A lot of annoying things.

0:23:270:23:32

Harriet Harman went even further, saying...

0:23:320:23:34

Oh, give it a rest, love(!)

0:23:390:23:41

Um...how did Miss Eagle respond?

0:23:440:23:47

HE SQUAWKS

0:23:470:23:49

That's right. She carried a small lamb up a mountain.

0:23:570:24:01

Better than that. She said...

0:24:010:24:03

Well done, you(!)

0:24:060:24:08

The "keep calm and carry on" poster was printed at the start of World War II.

0:24:080:24:13

They put one up in Churchill's War Room,

0:24:130:24:15

whereas the poster in Hitler's bunker said,

0:24:150:24:17

"You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps."

0:24:170:24:21

They've all encouraged people to stay calm,

0:24:210:24:24

apart from Corporal Jones, who told people, "Don't panic."

0:24:240:24:27

David Cameron responded to Labour's accusations of sexism saying...

0:24:270:24:30

I don't know - they elected Ed Miliband.

0:24:350:24:38

The quip was regarded as deeply offensive,

0:24:400:24:42

not least because it reminded everyone of the existence of Michael Winner.

0:24:420:24:47

-His best friend doesn't like that!

-Time for the Missing Words round,

0:24:500:24:54

which this week features, as its guest publication, Nuts And Volts magazine.

0:24:540:24:58

And we start with...

0:24:580:25:00

VICTORIA: Bin Laden's body?

0:25:030:25:05

Aquatic magician?

0:25:070:25:08

-It's a stag, isn't it?

-Stag swimming.

0:25:090:25:12

A stag has been photographed swimming a quarter of a mile off the Cornish coast.

0:25:120:25:17

The photographer said...

0:25:170:25:19

Maybe to avoid drowning(!)

0:25:190:25:22

-Could be.

-Next...

0:25:240:25:27

VICTORIA: Please go away?

0:25:330:25:36

-No.

-The short answer is no. There we are.

0:25:370:25:42

Next...

0:25:420:25:44

ROSS: Solve the problem of where to put their keys.

0:25:460:25:49

Buy themselves an iron!

0:25:510:25:53

Young people are being recruited to join nudists colonies.

0:26:010:26:04

-They spend most of the time staring at the oldies, mentally DRESSING them.

-And finally...

0:26:040:26:09

VICTORIA: Every word in that sentence sounds like a euphemism for genitals.

0:26:110:26:16

I've had a bit of trouble with me Lady Ada's.

0:26:160:26:20

Oh, it's sitting on them warm floors that does it!

0:26:200:26:23

Lady Ada's bedazzler looks better than Princess Eugenie's...one.

0:26:230:26:27

Short circuits the National Grid.

0:26:270:26:31

A female electronics graduate has created a device that can cause...

0:26:360:26:40

It's called...

0:26:420:26:44

Something of a must-have if you're the only woman in the electronics faculty.

0:26:440:26:49

So, the final scores are - Paul and Ross have 8, Ian and Victoria have 5.

0:26:500:26:55

APPLAUSE

0:26:550:26:58

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:27:010:27:05

ROSS: You fat bitch.

0:27:050:27:08

That'll do.

0:27:120:27:14

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop, Victoria Coren, Paul Merton and Ross Noble,

0:27:140:27:20

and I leave you with news that, as Wills and Kate tie the knot,

0:27:200:27:23

police move in to control the most extravagant street party Yorkshire has ever seen.

0:27:230:27:29

After the super-injunction on his affair is lifted,

0:27:300:27:34

there's speculation that Andrew Marr may, after all, have fathered a love child...

0:27:340:27:39

Are we seriously suggesting that Andrew Marr has had sex with a monkey?

0:27:420:27:47

Yeah, we are. OK.

0:27:470:27:50

At the Royal Wedding reception,

0:27:500:27:52

Prince Charles insists catering staff cook him a special organic lamb pie...

0:27:520:27:57

And at the White House, the undercover officer who led the Navy SEAL raid

0:28:010:28:04

reveals the disguise that fooled Bin Laden.

0:28:040:28:08

Good night.

0:28:120:28:14

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:320:28:36

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:360:28:39