Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week...

Round the back of Westminster Abbey, as the Royal Wedding guests depart

and the Duchess of Gloucester searches for her missing hat,

the Archbishop of Canterbury unwinds and reflects on a job well done...

There's evidence that some people already have access to

the gruesome photo of Osama Bin Laden's dead body...

And new evidence has emerged that US personnel practised for months

every aspect of the Osama operation, including the burial at sea.

On Ian's team is a broadcaster and journalist

who caught out funeral crashers by creating a hoax death,

so she should be an authority on this week's main news story. Please welcome Victoria Coren.

And with Paul Merton tonight is a stand-up comedian

who recently had his first haircut in four years,

so if you are having trouble recognising him,

I can confirm, yes, he is indeed Ross Noble!

Four years?

Yes.

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.

Ah! Amazing pictures! Osama on Shergar.

And that's the house where he was found, living peacefully,

undetected.

That's the Republicans. They think that Obama's dead.

"Oh, no, he's not."

Guess this story.

Yes, they got him. I expect that's the trouble over.

Mission accomplished. It's all done. Ten years in, all over.

They showed those people in Times Square, all shouting, "USA! USA!"

I wasn't sure if that was a response, or they just turned the cameras on and that's what's always happening!

Do you think the Americans have been a bit gung-ho?

I think they've failed to get the story right afterwards.

He was either cowering behind someone who was his wife, in a hectic firefight,

then it turned into, "Oh, it wasn't his wife. She was shot in the leg.

"He wasn't cowering behind her. He wasn't armed.

"They're wasn't a firefight, one bloke on guard."

By the time this is on, it'll probably be, "They were after Gaddafi."

Do you know what the White House spokesman Jay Carney put this inaccuracy down to?

Making it up as we go along?

The fog of war.

-Confusion.

-Oh.

Do we have that picture of them watching - that was weird - in the situation room? Watching the TV?

-We do, yes.

-It's a fascinating picture,

because you don't see what it is they're looking at.

Hillary Clinton looks so thoughtful, I like to think that, if you look the other way,

it would just be Michelle showing them colour swatches...

I like that other woman, at the back, peering in.

She's going, "Is this human resources?"

I was reading about how... apparently he had quite a nice, peaceful life there in Pakistan.

-He had the neighbours' children over to play with his pet rabbits.

-Yeah!

He sounds a real sweetie, doesn't he(?)

-The place was named after somewhere where he'd been hiding previously.

-Waziristan.

-Yeah.

But it was actually called Dun Murderin', the house.

I loved the fact that the Daily Mail couldn't resist putting on the front page,

"His £1 million luxury hideaway."

The property prices, even in Pakistan, obssess them!

And the idea that no-one in Pakistan knew he was there.

"Do you know Mr Bin Laden at all?" Do you chat over the fence?"

"Yes, he's lovely. Keeps himself to himself."

Do they all sound like Alan Bennett in Pakistan?

-(SOFTLY SPOKEN)

-"Oh, he was very nice. Oh, yes.

"We had a sponge finger with a cup of tea."

"I don't know about the beard, but..."

-And what were the compound's special features?

-Bat cave? Was there a bat cave in there?

Oh, Swingball! That was it, wasn't it?

An expensive wardrobe of disguises?

-Was there beard-straightening tongs?

-Got to be.

-Yeah.

-Got to be.

-There was a rubbish-burning area.

-Hang on!

-Do you mean for burning rubbish, or do you mean...

-Ineffectively.

-..that's rubbish, where you're burning that?

-That's how the neighbours knew.

-Because he didn't put out - amusingly - his bins.

-That's right.

The rest of them, dutifully - cos they're all Alan Bennett -

putting out the bins every day,

and there's Mr Bin Laden, he burns the lot. Why?!

That could have been great. He could have had Dusty Bin Laden!

Just a little can with a spinning beard. Hey!

Apparently, all the intelligence came from Leslie Crowther.

-It's true.

-Do you mean Ted Rogers?

-Ted Rogers! I'm a fool to myself!

-Leslie Crowther's got nothing to do with it.

-You're right.

-You're making it up.

-No!

Well, that's the trouble.

The Americans said it was Leslie Crowther.

-It turns out it was actually Ted Rogers.

-Oh.

-Obama went like that.

He went, "Commence the mission in three, two, one!"

And the beard... Look at that - one pensioner clapping.

Up the back there, going, "That's a brilliant reference."

Also, the compound had no functioning telephone or internet connections.

Obviously a BT customer.

So, what reason did Pakistani intelligence give for

failing to notice this very cleverly disguised, massive, fortified compound?

It was Cameron said that Pakistan was generally looking both ways.

It's a wonderful image of the buildings there, and they're going...

To be fair, the Pakistani authorities haven't got time to catch terrorists.

Far too busy stoning rape victims.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Sounds like a cue for a song.

According to the entirely believable locals that the Sun spoke to,

they'd always had suspicions about the compound.

As in, "You've been ji-had!"

-Are you saying that's a made-up quote?

-I think it probably is.

-Mr Raza Khan(?)

-And also,

if he was on a tractor, how did he hear someone saying "jihad" over the noise of the diesel engine?

-He might have had a lunch break.

-That's a good point.

-Yeah.

That's probably why I lost my job with MI6.

-So, who was sent in to do the job?

-SEALs.

-Do you know what the actual name of their unit is?

-Barry?

According to the Daily Mail...

How do they select SEALs?

With names like that, anyone Welsh and you're in! They just go, "Do you want to join...

HE SPEAKS COD WELSH

(WELSH ACCENT) "Right, I'd quite like to find that Bin Laden, me.

"Give me a fish and I'll be right in there."

That's how they do it.

It's an intense series of tests, including...

Basically, they just watch Britain's Got Talent.

Why did the burial at sea upset some Muslim fundamentalists?

Cos they were in a dinghy just underneath...

Boof! Aw...

And he was respectfully buried from a height of 30,000ft.

When he hit the dinghy, he was doing over 80.

Unfortunately, it was a rubber dinghy, and he bounced straight back up!

The Navy SEALs got a shock when he emerged...

(WELSH ACCENT) "Whoa! Bloody hell! Look who's there.

"I thought we got rid of him! We chucked him out the back.

"Watch that bier on the rotors.

"Go flying around."

What specifically about the sea burial upset them?

It means they've got nowhere to mark as a grave,

-so there's nowhere as a centre for pilgrimage.

-More specifically, he wouldn't be facing Mecca.

Depending on the tide!

Yes, well, this is the comprising to a permanent end of Osama Bin Laden.

The operation to kill the Al-Qaeda leader was perfectly timed

after a busy weekend, and caught Bin Laden completely off guard

just as he was taking down the bunting.

Initial reports that the Americans had shot one of Bin Laden's wives,

who was being used as a human shield,

outraged fundamentalists, as his wife should have been at least three paces behind him.

Describing everyday life at Bin Laden's compound,

the Mirror reported that a range of newspapers were delivered each morning, adding...

Blimey! I bet she had her work cut out on Tuesday!

Paul and Ross, here is yours.

-Right, yes, this is, um...

-Miss BNP.

-Yeah.

They've become very popular.

Here is one of their rallies in the centre of London.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I don't think he's a real policeman.

Who are these people(?)

-I think it's done wonders for the tea towel industry.

-Exactly.

-Cos it was flagging a little bit.

-Yeah, it was.

-Then - BOOM! - they're back.

It's nice that they employed lip-readers to see what they were saying.

She said, "I do," at one point, and he said, "I do,"

but apparently, Prince Charles at one point turned to Camilla - via this lip-reader -

and said...

HE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY

During the National Anthem, apparently the Queen turned to Prince Philip and went, "Sing it, bitch!"

-You can't say that about the Queen!

-"They're playing our tune."

-What do you mean?!

-You weren't even watching!

-Sorry, she said...

(HIGH-PITCHED NASAL VOICE) .."Sing it, bitch." Sorry. You're right.

What nugget did David Cameron share with Nick Clegg?

I've never liked you.

-I want a divorce.

-Yeah.

He revealed...

Where were they imprisoned?

I mean, let's be honest, she's a good-looking girl,

but there's no need for that. Really!

-I mean, that's not...

-Not seemly.

That is just disrespectful.

"Oi! Use the hymnbook! Use the hymnbook!"

That's what he said.

And, of course, all the main news channels were there to cover the day.

The BBC coverage was actually very dull

so here's Damon Green of ITV News bringing us an exclusive shot of another truly British sight.

This place is full of people. Let's cross the road - don't get run over.

Have a look over there. Let's have a look.

Inside that knot...

Shall we turn our attention to the outfits?

We're going to play a game called What's Wrong With This Outfit?

Yeah, one of the ginger ones turned up as Satan.

I'm sure it'll be nice about all these ladies who tried very hard to look nice,

worried about it, went to the hairdresser, asked their mums, "Does it look all right?"

I'm sure we'll pay tribute to the efforts they made on an important occasion.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's have a look at the first loser.

-What's wrong with this outfit?

-VICTORIA: It's lovely and cheerful.

Nice colour, flattering. ROSS: No hat.

-She didn't have a hat on.

-That's what's wrong, is it?

That's apparently what's wrong.

ROSS: And she's only got one shoe, if you look.

She hopped all the way up through the church.

Pogo stick spring in the bottom of that.

With a Land Rover door Sellotaped to her back.

Who can sport what's wrong with this outfit?

VICTORIA: Three people wore the same thing.

That's exactly right.

How do they get into THAT?

-Oh, I see. Sorry.

-Is that every woman's worst nightmare?

I mean, apart from being assaulted in a park or...

Sounds like a cue for a song!

No...

And finally, anything wrong with these outfits?

The Dark Lord is upon us!

Let's face it - who can they ask for advice that's sane?

-That they know?

-Do you know what that colour is called, that she's wearing?

-Beige?

-Is it...?

-Jonquil?

-No.

It's called "nude".

ROSS: To be honest with you, with that latticework there,

and with her hair, and everything, I fancy a pork pie.

Let's just take a closer look at that hat, there.

It's become a fashion item worldwide.

Everyone's wearing it, as we can see from this picture on Twitter.

-Shall we have a look at the kiss on the balcony?

-Yes. That's nice.

The Duke and the Duchess of Cambridge. Aww...

What's Truman Capote doing at the Royal Wedding?

Let's look at the dress. Victoria, what do you think of THE dress?

Just ask it again, but slightly more patronising...

Ahem! The Sunday Telegraph decided to do some research into the highs and lows of the day,

as experienced by the different genders.

Meanwhile, male viewers reported...

Here are two women from the Middletons' village of Bucklebury in Berkshire,

whose reaction seems to back up this research.

For such an ordinary family, this is just phenomenal.

I can't believe it. I mean, look, look, look!

Aw, look at William looking at her. Look!

It's magical! It is absolutely magical!

-I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!

-Beautiful!

Kate's life is going to change so much, but...

Look at her holding onto her father's hand so tightly.

She's holding onto her father's hand so tightly.

Bless them! Bless them! I am...speechless. Speechless.

SHE SHRIEKS

Kate! William!

Why couldn't that have been the whole coverage?

To back up the theory that men found the event utterly boring, who better than ITN's Mark Austin?

Mark Austin's going to spend the day with them.

He's out there somewhere on the Mall now. Mark?

I'm only spending the day here if it doesn't rain, Phil?

I'm surrounded by Scouts now,

and there is something going on here which is rather odd.

But never mind.

-Are you going to enjoy yourselves? I don't know about that.

-Go on.

-Pardon?

-Cheers to Will and Kate.

-All right, cheers to Will and Kate.

Yes, this was the fairy-tale Royal Wedding.

The wedding was covered by the world's media, including the German newspaper Bild, which lamented...

You DO. The Windsors.

Lip-readers revealed what William said to Kate in the carriage on the Mall.

Thus summing up the next 60 years of her life.

David Beckham wore his OBE, but breached etiquette by wearing it on the wrong side.

Although, to be fair, it was on the correct side when he checked in the mirror.

Round 2, and in tribute to this week's historic AV referendum,

the stories will be chosen by the alternative voting system.

On your ballot papers, you will have four stories to choose from.

All you have to do is place them in your chosen order of preference.

The story with the lowest number of votes will be eliminated,

and the fourth choice will receive the second choice votes... It's very simple indeed.

-Some people just don't get it(!)

-The results you've ended up with

is the story that none of you really wanted.

It's going to be cricket commentator. Why has Edward Bevan been in the news?

-BELL RINGS

-Ian?

-Someone hit the ball,

and he said, "Someone's hit the ball. It's coming this way."

Then it came through his commentary box and hit him on the back.

-He was commentating on the fantastic shot.

-And it hit him.

-I don't know why I'm telling you. We can hear it.

You could say, Steve, that Somerset are on course for 350,

which would be far from what anyone feels,

although one never knows in this wonderful game.

As Robert Croft comes in now...and comes down and hits it up towards us! And is it going to hit us?

BREAKING GLASS

The ball has just come right through our window here.

Edward's had a blow in the back, I'm afraid.

The bizarre thing - this is the third time it's happened to that commentator.

-That is exactly right. The third time.

-That's no accident.

Wouldn't it be great if he did motor racing, though?

"They're coming round... Oh, I'm on the bonnet of the car!

"I'm sliding to the left, and to the right. Ooh, me skin's come off."

"Yes", Bevan told the Mirror...

When the ball struck the window, the startled Welsh-speaking commentator

let out a shocking stream of 14-letter words.

Cricket's very popular in Wales.

Exactly the same rules, only there you can be out L-L-L-L-B-W.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Victoria,

your four are... A, B, C and...D.

It's going to be a super-injunction thing, anyway.

One of them almost looks identifiable,

but I'm worried I'll start and a policeman will come on.

No, you're all right. That's Andrew Marr.

And the odd one out is Marr, because we know about the injunction now, because it's been lifted.

You played quite a part in this, I believe?

Well, I got a lot of credit for, um, a story that I never actually ran.

Um...I was going to, I challenged the super-injunction,

then he went to the Mail

and lifted the injunction and confessed, so hooray!

APPLAUSE

He was embarrassed that he'd taken an injunction to protect his private life

when he was asking questions on people's lives. When he's asking David Blunkett about his child,

or Prestcott about his affair, it all looks pretty eggy.

The Labour Party are furious, cos he asked Gordon Brown, basically, "Are you taking pills?"

They said, "That's none of your business. This is my health."

And he said, "No, no. It's in the public interest,"

i.e., was Gordon taking antidepressants?

I mean, WE were.

Why did he get a super-injunction in the first place?

Because he'd had an affair with someone and there was a child which he thought was his,

and then it turned out it wasn't his, after DNA tests, so...

He got DNA tests?! They didn't just look at the ears and go, "Nah!"?

Who IS the father?

It's like you WANT to go to prison.

I heard it was...

It was the drummer from the Steve Miller Band?!

It was the head saxophonist in the Glenn Miller band?!

What?!

-But it isn't. It isn't either of the Milibands.

-Someone else entirely.

-Someone else entirely.

-Oh, God. Do I want to go to jail? Not hugely.

-Go on!

-Oh, all right.

It's good for the programme.

-Me not being on it is very good for the programme.

-We can go to a live link at you in Wandsworth.

Banging your tin mug against the bars!

It's not like that. I went to Ford Open. The governor said,

"You'd like it here. There's a bridge club."

The odd one out IS Andrew Marr... Sorry?

-I think I might have got an odd one out right for the first time in 20 years.

-Fantastic!

The odd one out is Andrew Marr as, thanks to super-injunctions, he is the only one who we can now name.

Just before Marr hosted his first Sunday morning show since the super-injunction was lifted,

his guests were whispering about the elephant in the room, but it turned out to be Andrew Marr's shadow.

Paul and Ross, here is yours.

-Corporal Jones.

-Corporal Jones.

-The Ministry of Information.

-David Cameron.

-David Cameron.

-And the Scousers.

-And the Scousers.

-ROSS: Catchphrases.

-"Don't panic" - Corporal Jones.

-Cameron said, "Calm down, dear."

-Yes, yes.

-And the Scousers...

-They were, "Calm down, calm down..."

-"Calm down, calm down."

They're all saying calm down. Keep calm, keep going is the Ministry of Information thing,

so, Clive Dunn's the odd one out because he says panic, and everybody else says calm down.

Is absolutely right, yes.

-Good.

-There we are.

During last week's Prime Minister's Questions, David Cameron told Angela Eagle,

the Shadow Treasury Chief Secretary, to, "Calm down, dear."

He refused to apologise, claiming it was just a joke.

It's Michael Winner's catchphrase - and our Prime Minister thinks it's funny?!

Victoria, you're a fan of Michael Winner, aren't you?

I had a bit of a spat with Michael Winner on Twitter,

because he made some remarks that I'm sure he meant as compliments.

I didn't take them that way. I'm a very humourless person.

Now he's bought be lunch... so now I really like him!

-You do really like him?

-I love lunch.

We were talking about driving and he said,

"Do you know you can drive in the bus lane for only £60? What a bargain!"

-What did Labour chiefs accuse David Cameron of?

-They said he was patronising

and sexist and misogynist and...Tory...

-..and, worst of all, Prime Minister.

-Hmm.

-A lot of annoying things.

Harriet Harman went even further, saying...

Oh, give it a rest, love(!)

Um...how did Miss Eagle respond?

HE SQUAWKS

That's right. She carried a small lamb up a mountain.

Better than that. She said...

Well done, you(!)

The "keep calm and carry on" poster was printed at the start of World War II.

They put one up in Churchill's War Room,

whereas the poster in Hitler's bunker said,

"You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps."

They've all encouraged people to stay calm,

apart from Corporal Jones, who told people, "Don't panic."

David Cameron responded to Labour's accusations of sexism saying...

I don't know - they elected Ed Miliband.

The quip was regarded as deeply offensive,

not least because it reminded everyone of the existence of Michael Winner.

-His best friend doesn't like that!

-Time for the Missing Words round,

which this week features, as its guest publication, Nuts And Volts magazine.

And we start with...

VICTORIA: Bin Laden's body?

Aquatic magician?

-It's a stag, isn't it?

-Stag swimming.

A stag has been photographed swimming a quarter of a mile off the Cornish coast.

The photographer said...

Maybe to avoid drowning(!)

-Could be.

-Next...

VICTORIA: Please go away?

-No.

-The short answer is no. There we are.

Next...

ROSS: Solve the problem of where to put their keys.

Buy themselves an iron!

Young people are being recruited to join nudists colonies.

-They spend most of the time staring at the oldies, mentally DRESSING them.

-And finally...

VICTORIA: Every word in that sentence sounds like a euphemism for genitals.

I've had a bit of trouble with me Lady Ada's.

Oh, it's sitting on them warm floors that does it!

Lady Ada's bedazzler looks better than Princess Eugenie's...one.

Short circuits the National Grid.

A female electronics graduate has created a device that can cause...

It's called...

Something of a must-have if you're the only woman in the electronics faculty.

So, the final scores are - Paul and Ross have 8, Ian and Victoria have 5.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

ROSS: You fat bitch.

That'll do.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop, Victoria Coren, Paul Merton and Ross Noble,

and I leave you with news that, as Wills and Kate tie the knot,

police move in to control the most extravagant street party Yorkshire has ever seen.

After the super-injunction on his affair is lifted,

there's speculation that Andrew Marr may, after all, have fathered a love child...

Are we seriously suggesting that Andrew Marr has had sex with a monkey?

Yeah, we are. OK.

At the Royal Wedding reception,

Prince Charles insists catering staff cook him a special organic lamb pie...

And at the White House, the undercover officer who led the Navy SEAL raid

reveals the disguise that fooled Bin Laden.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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