Episode 3 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 3

Popular news quiz. Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Rhod Gilbert and guest panellists Marcus Brigstocke and Louise Bagshawe.


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Rhod Gilbert.

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In the news this week: At the finishing line of the Greenwich barrel rolling contest,

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there is suspicions that the winner may have consumed all the contents before the race.

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In Westminster, David Cameron goes through the usual

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routine after shaking hands with some working class people.

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And there is allegations of extraordinary rendition resurface.

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There's evidence that MI6 may have hired a former producer of You've Been Framed as chief interrogator.

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Ahhh!

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On Ian Hislop's team is a Conservative MP and chick lit author

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who has written 14 novels

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or if you want to be cynical, the same novel 14 times.

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Please welcome, Louise Bagshawe.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight is a comedian who, as a young man,

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worked long lonely spells on an oil rig, when at any moment

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he could have been pounded to death by a massive Derek.

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Please welcome, Marcus Brigstocke.

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CHEEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.

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Ah, yes, this is the marvellous news that has us all leaping about.

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Our hearts are fully in the air... and that's Prince Philip, er...

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For security reasons, he has to live down a drain.

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They are looking for people who would be so sick

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as to ruin this happy occasion.

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-There's one.

-There's one, for example.

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Oh and there is another.

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That's the Archbishop of Canterbury of there.

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I think you should do the coverage at the wedding, Paul?

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I would be happy to do so, but they won't let me.

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-They have given it to the bloke from Formula One.

-No!

-Yeah!

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-Here it comes!

-No, you're mixing it up with the guy who did it before,

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that was Murray Walker.

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How does Jake Humphry do it then? Does he do it differently?

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It is difficult to do Formula One in a more sedate fashion, isn't it?

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I don't know. I don't really watch Formula One,

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it's not really much of a sport for me. The first car wins.

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Do you like other forms of racing?

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-Yes.

-Ones where the first thing doesn't win?

-Yes.

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It is called the alternative race, and you vote for...

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the third person in the race.

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-That's not really the Archbishop of Canterbury, is it?

-Is it not?

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I mean, he's charismatic and enthusiastic,

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but I don't think he dances like that.

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Very rarely hammered.

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Hammertime. You can't touch this.

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Don't try and be cool, you're a Tory MP.

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In fairness, quoting MC Hammer isn't massively cool now, is it?

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It is in Wales!

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I have no idea what they are talking about!

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It is one of Einstein's special theories.

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E=MC Hammer.

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It wasn't the Archbishop of Canterbury.

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So who was it, prey tell?

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Could this be an advertising commercial, pushing some product,

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in a commercial business-like way?

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Let's have a bit more of it. It is an advert, you're quite right.

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MUSIC: House of Love by East 17

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APPLAUSE

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The fantastic thing is you've cut it off before we see what it's advertising.

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-Yeah...

-It's for a funeral director in Wigan!

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It was funny if Harry had goose-stepped down the...

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It was an advert for T-Mobile, just to put this to bed.

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Some Americans apparently thought that was real footage!

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No, it is true!

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According to the Metropolitan Police,

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what will not be tolerated on the day?

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Any attempt to crash the wedding by people who haven't got a ticket.

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Damn.

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Isn't it normally an invite to a wedding?

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What did I say?

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A ticket.

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A ticket.

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I was thinking of the one Prince Andrew sold me!

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APPLAUSE

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Each individual is only allowed 15 feet of personal bunting.

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Have you got your 15 feet of personal bunting yet?

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-No, I could only get 12.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

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The Metropolitan Police said what would not be tolerated -

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flag burning and violent protests.

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Police are liaising with...

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-Do we know who they are?

-No.

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They identify individuals who are, and I quote:

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Are these people who stalk the mentally ill Royals?

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Isn't English an incredible thing?

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According to the Telegraph,

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Kate has invited her first boyfriend, Willem Marx.

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I like Williams that are too posh to bother with the E bit.

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Oh, Willem! My name's Willem!

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At the bottom you have, sort of, people like Bill Maynard.

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Then if you're a bit posher, sort of, Will somebody...

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Above that, it is just a noise.

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That's it.

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What's your name?

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HE MUTTERS

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Is it Bill, Will, William, Willem...

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HE MUTTERS Yeah.

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That's the top one.

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Funnily, I was at school with...

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What is he doing these days?

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He works in...

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HE MUTTERS

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It is the family firm.

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Yeah, should do well.

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Prince William was going out with someone called Carly Massy-Birch?

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That's a firm of solicitors, isn't it?

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Either that or a tractor.

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Yeah.

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Carly's mother, Mary Massy-Birch, said:

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-You're a romantic novelist, aren't you?

-I am.

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So is this a great romantic occasion?

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I think it's the top romantic occasion,

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isn't it? No-one can top this.

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Have you used it as a plot, a Royal romance?

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Um, I actually have used a royal romance.

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-Did it end well?

-She got to be Queen.

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When you marry the heir to the throne,

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these days that's not a dead cert. It was a win for her.

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They're trying to change that for her though, aren't they?

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I think there's an effort to change it so that if Kate and William have a girl,

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she might be allowed to be queen.

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Rock on, sisters.

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-They should definitely do that.

-Rock on, sisters?

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Yes.

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The Tory party really HAS changed.

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You say it has changed, but David Cameron's not sure.

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He was going to wear a lounge suit to the wedding and now he is going to wear tails.

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He seems uncertain as to what his public image should be.

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He didn't want to wear tails in case he looked posh.

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There he is. That's white tie, not morning dress.

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Oh dear, you knew that off the top of your head, that's a bit posh, isn't it?

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-Oh dear!

-You picked that up!

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You picked that up right away, man of the people!

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-That's what he turn up...

-Rock on brothers!

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APPLAUSE

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Your cover as ordinary, working class geezer has been somewhat blown!

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Ian Hislop or shall I call you Gary?

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-On a personal level, will you be watching the Royal Wedding?

-No.

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Will you behaving a street party?

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Suggests that I live in a street!

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I won't be at a street party,

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but I shall be having a party watching the wedding on television.

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-Will you?

-Yeah.

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With myself.

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Oh, God,

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that's one of the most grotesque images that's ever passed through my head!

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Let me replace that image...

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I will be taking my 15 yards of bunting and hanging myself soon as they walk down the aisle.

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Will you behaving a party, Louise?

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I might take the kids to a street party in my patch.

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Perhaps we'll just wave the bunting. Nick his bunting and wave it.

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You would cut me down, then take the bunting

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with which I've hung myself and give it to your children?

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Does this mean that we are all in this together?

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These are times of austerity, Mr Merton,

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I can't let perfectly good bunting go to waste, you know.

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-Well, I think it shows a caring side to the Tory Party that I didn't know existed.

-Absolutely.

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If you haven't got a suit for the wedding, go down the cemetery, dig some up. Yeah, go on.

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He's only been dead a week. Go on, put it on...

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What's going to happen at Buckingham Palace at precisely 12.30am?

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-They're turning the lights off.

-They are.

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All the foreign crews are furious

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because their audiences will have just woken up.

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So when all the American broadcasters want to stand outside Buckingham Palace and say,

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"Here I am, live." It's going to be completely dark.

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How selfish of us.

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Why couldn't we time the wedding

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to be in the middle of the night here

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so the Americans could watch?

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I hope there are ad breaks

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so that MBC can shove in an advert for...

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What is it, nachos, they have?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, blimey.

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The BBC's royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell has been busy.

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I get the impression that covering the minutiae of Royal life is getting to him.

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We can speak to our royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell.

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This story breaking in the last half hour or so.

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What exactly has happened?

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Well, not a lot to be candid. I mean, you pretty much said it all.

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Don't panic, he will be back in time for the wedding.

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They're opening a community academy

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and our royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is there in Darwen for us.

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They've been greeting everybody waiting patiently in the rain to see them.

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Yeah, you're not kidding about the rain, Kate, I can tell you.

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Our royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is there for us now.

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It's going to be a big moment for them, Nick, isn't it?

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-FLATLY:

-Yes, I'm sure it is.

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-Great.

-That's fantastic.

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-APPLAUSE

-Very good.

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Moving on.

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There's even a video wedding book for the public to sign.

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Let's have a look at some of the messages of goodwill and affection

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that have been left so far.

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Aw, lovely.

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Something for the happy couple to treasure there.

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Does anybody know how food-lovers are able to celebrate it?

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Yes, they can buy doughnuts shaped like the bride. What's the next question?

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And there's a Kate Middleton jelly bean.

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-Like Jesus, her face was in a jelly bean.

-I thought this story was a fraud.

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Let's have a look at it.

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I do think if that turned up on the day...

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that William would know.

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I mean, even if you put a veil over that,

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I think he'd know that probably wasn't really Kate Middleton.

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-Well, I don't know...

-I want to know how big the Jelly bean is.

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Big Day nerves. He thinks to himself,

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"She's got herself ready, I better not criticise her.

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-LAUGHTER

-"She looks like a jelly bean

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"but it's taken her five hours to get to this point."

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There's something really odd about that story.

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Yes. It's almost as if elements of it were made up.

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Do I need to do this number six?

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-DIRECTOR: You do Helen Mirren.

-Yes...

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That's nice. We'd all like to do Helen Mirren, but we've got to do a bloody quiz show, mate!

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's what we're doing here.

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-Helen Mirren played the Queen, of course.

-Oh, yes.

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And here she is talking about John Gielgud on BBC Breakfast news.

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That always inspired me, he always took kind of edgy choices.

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And he swore a lot, as I remember.

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-Well, in that wonderful voice he had.

-Exactly.

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-"You little shit," he'd say. Oh!

-No, we can't say that!

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-I'm so sorry.

-Take that back, that never happened.

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If you heard that, we're very sorry.

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Yes, this is the day everyone's been looking forward to.

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The Sun reports that Prince William will share a series of heart-to-hearts with his father.

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Who, it is rumoured, will say,

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"My advice is don't get too close to the first one."

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GASPS AND SNIGGERING

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The wedding day itinerary states that at 1.30pm

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there will be a fly-past by the RAF tornadoes

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on their way to bomb Libya.

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Ian and Louise, here is yours.

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Ah, "No to AV." Nick Clegg's looking a bit sad.

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He's going to drink from the cup of desolation as he looks at the "Yes to AV" poll ratings.

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He doesn't say much, does he?

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This is AV.

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Quite literally, the most boring election the UK has ever held

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-and that is saying something...

-How can you say that after that clip?

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Admittedly, I was on the edge of my seat,

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but when you knock on doors and say, "Yes to AV, no to AV," nobody knows what you're talking about

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because literally nobody cares.

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Maybe you need to rephrase the banter you've got. Is that what you're doing, "Yes to AV, no to AV"?

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"Hello, I'm Louise, would you like to change the voting system?" "No, I wouldn't" Slam. There you go. Thanks.

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Why do they slam the door?

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They're busy people in Corby and East Northampton,

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we've got a lot going on.

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In Corby, they're so busy they slam the door.

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And you get a free trouser press as well.

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We don't have anything to do with the trouser press, but we do have a volcano on Mars,

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-which I think is a fair swap.

-There's a volcano on Mars called Corby?

-Yes.

-Do you represent that?

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Because I know that some of the boundary distinctions...

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-are being redrawn as part of the process.

-No, I like that.

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I like that I could be the only MP with an interstellar constituency...

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-No, there's plenty of Tory MPs who think they've got constituents on Mars.

-No, no, no...

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Can I just say, the important thing about the AV vote

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is it's been conducted under a first-past-the-post system.

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Yes.

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You have yes and no.

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I didn't care about it a great deal

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until a lot of the "No to AV" stuff started coming through my letterbox

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and there were people on the telly saying,

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"Of course, I understand AV... but you won't.

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"You definitely won't.

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"It is very, very complicated

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"and you're probably too thick.

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"Here's my friend William to explain it."

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LAUGHTER And that really got up my nose.

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It's moderately complicated,

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but it's not so difficult that I think most people in this country

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couldn't get it if they want it.

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-Under first-past-the-post you have less coalition governments.

-We've got one now!

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Under AV, you'll get one every single time.

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So if you love Nick Clegg, you love the Lib Dems, then...

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-Is that true, you get one every single time?

-Let's look...

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-A coalition government "every single time."

-Pretty much.

-Rod, AV is very complicated. I wouldn't...

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LAUGHTER

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I wouldn't fuss your little head about it.

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AV is used by three countries around the world.

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-But the rest of the world uses first-past-the-post.

-Most of the rest of the world is starving.

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LAUGHTER

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Pretty solid argument for not eating.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I don't know why I said that. I'm more or less on your side, but it's such a terrible argument.

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Yes, the AV campaign is really hotting up.

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This week saw politicians from different parties teaming up,

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such as Ed Miliband and Vince Cable,

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and David Cameron and John Reid.

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In the semi-finals of Bald Old Man And Shiny Posh Friend Of The Earth.

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David Cameron has been accused this week

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of blocking Gordon Brown's chances of becoming head of the IMF.

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For some time now, Gordon had an eye on the IMF job

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and his other eye in a box on the mantelpiece.

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At the end of that round...

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I'd quite like to be head of the IMF.

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At the end of that round, Ian would like to be head of the IMF.

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-Can't you nominate yourself?

-Yeah.

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-I think you'd do a very good job.

-Can't you get hold of a ticket somewhere?

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And so, to round two -

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The Strengthometer Of News.

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This is... Well, the M1 was closed

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and so a fella in a dressing gown

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went and did his ironing on it.

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There was a fire on the M1, I knew about it.

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As I was driving along, my sat-nav melted. So I knew...

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I knew something was happening.

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I saw a bit of news this morning and he was on doing that.

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Is that the dedication you've got to this show after all these years?

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"I briefly saw a bit of news this morning?"

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I seem to win no matter how much I watch.

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We've had AV here for years!

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They're trying to level the playing field by being pig-ignorant, but it doesn't work.

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How did he explain his behaviour? What did he say?

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I've been under a lot of stress.

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I've got a pressing engagement!

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GUFFAWING

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He said...

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SIGHS

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What did the Highways Agency have to say about the whole thing?

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If we'd had a gun, we would have shot him dead.

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How's that for irony?

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And your pleat's crooked. Bang!

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No...

0:19:070:19:09

They said...

0:19:090:19:11

Back to the main story of the fire.

0:19:180:19:20

The papers were quick to criticise slow-moving transport chiefs.

0:19:200:19:23

What in particular did they pick up on?

0:19:230:19:25

There was a fire underneath the bridge and, as far as I know,

0:19:250:19:28

most of the M1's still closed, whereas the Japanese had a tsunami

0:19:280:19:32

and their motorways are now up and open.

0:19:320:19:35

Absolutely right! The papers pointed out the Japanese motorway,

0:19:350:19:39

ripped apart by the devastating earthquake, was restored just six days later.

0:19:390:19:43

But, to be fair, nobody's stuck up for British workers in saying

0:19:430:19:46

that our motorways came through the Japanese earthquake unscathed. So...

0:19:460:19:51

There's great comfort in those words.

0:19:530:19:56

Junior Transport Minister Mike Penning had some advice. What did he say?

0:19:560:20:00

Use the A1?

0:20:000:20:01

No, he said:

0:20:030:20:04

Bad news for recreational users.

0:20:090:20:11

Anyone else had transport difficulties?

0:20:130:20:15

-Ian usually has trouble.

-No, it was Real Madrid,

0:20:150:20:18

celebrating their cup victory over Barcelona on Wednesday and we can have a look.

0:20:180:20:23

Oh, that was brilliant!

0:20:340:20:36

Yes, this is the closure of the M1 after a fire,

0:20:360:20:38

causing motorists marginally more misery than usual.

0:20:380:20:41

Apparently there were plans to reinforce the north-bound M1

0:20:410:20:44

after rumours Eric Pickles was planning to give John Prescott a lift home for Easter.

0:20:440:20:49

-Sorry, Pickles!

-YOU'RE sorry?

0:20:520:20:55

I'm the one that's going to get it in the neck on Tuesday morning.

0:20:550:20:58

Has he got no sense of direction?

0:20:580:21:00

APPLAUSE

0:21:060:21:11

Time now for the odd-one-out round.

0:21:110:21:13

Just one between you this week and the four are:

0:21:130:21:16

A, B, C and D.

0:21:160:21:21

BELL

0:21:210:21:22

You've got four blank faces, you cannot see who they are,

0:21:220:21:25

you're not allowed to know who they are,

0:21:250:21:27

they may or may not have done something with ladies

0:21:270:21:30

who are not their wives, one of them definitely doesn't rhyme with ...

0:21:300:21:35

Even though he's a footballer.

0:21:350:21:37

-And, er, one of them might not...

-Can someone call the police?

0:21:370:21:42

I'm sitting here next to a Conservative MP

0:21:420:21:46

who's trying to break a series of super-injunctions.

0:21:460:21:50

I'm absolutely appalled!

0:21:500:21:53

These gentlemen are perfectly entitled to privacy.

0:21:530:21:57

They may have slept with a bunch of slappers, all of them,

0:21:570:22:00

without telling their wives, but that is entirely their own affair. Whether they run banks

0:22:000:22:05

or play football or act in popular television shows,

0:22:050:22:08

-it's none of your business!

-None of your business.

0:22:080:22:11

Or have columns in newspapers. Really!

0:22:110:22:13

Or indeed edit Private Eye. Could be anybody.

0:22:130:22:16

Four people were very disappointed at a photo-me booth.

0:22:180:22:22

The answer is there is an odd-one-out but, for legal reasons, we can't tell you which one or why.

0:22:230:22:29

Theoretically, might the odd-one-out be Sir Fred Goodwin

0:22:290:22:34

because he was named by my colleague John Hemming,

0:22:340:22:36

in the House of Commons, as being the subject of a super-injunction?

0:22:360:22:40

And, because he said it, I can report that he said it. Whether or not he was right,

0:22:400:22:44

-who's to say?

-I do.

-I have no idea.

0:22:440:22:48

-Yeah, it was him.

-He could've made it up out of thin air.

0:22:480:22:52

-No, no, he tried to get a super-injunction.

-I didn't say that.

0:22:520:22:56

Mm. I did, though.

0:22:560:22:57

-To put some flesh on these rather vague bones...

-Yeah, just tell us who they are.

-Yep.

0:23:000:23:04

Mr Justice Eady, at the centre of the most recent privacy cases,

0:23:040:23:08

issued an unprecedented injunction to a TV star on Wednesday.

0:23:080:23:11

What was it?

0:23:110:23:12

It was that no-one could ever publish a photograph

0:23:120:23:15

involving this person ever again, in any domain in the whole world ever.

0:23:150:23:20

-Absolutely.

-And nobody could mention it to their work colleagues,

0:23:200:23:23

that their had to be total and utter privacy,

0:23:230:23:26

throughout the galaxy until time literally ends and Dr Brian Cox goes...

0:23:260:23:33

No, it's not the galaxy. He issued an injunction...

0:23:330:23:36

Judges are making up privacy law as they see fit.

0:23:390:23:41

We don't have a proper privacy law, which you lot in Parliament

0:23:410:23:45

should've got round to but you haven't. And it's time you did,

0:23:450:23:48

to stop judges making it up as they go along.

0:23:480:23:50

Cos they inevitably balance freedom of the individual privacy

0:23:500:23:55

against the press's freedom of expression and, obviously,

0:23:550:23:59

in the case of slappers and footballers, it's arguable.

0:23:590:24:02

But a proper case will come along

0:24:020:24:04

where we need to know what's happening and we won't be able to cos of these stupid injunctions.

0:24:040:24:08

What are the consequences of us breaking these rules?

0:24:110:24:14

If I know who one of these people is and I broke it, what would happen to me?

0:24:140:24:18

-You'd go to jail.

-You'd get the question right, first.

0:24:180:24:22

-So there's a point in it.

-So, already, you're a winner.

-Yes.

0:24:220:24:27

And then it's not great after that.

0:24:270:24:29

But, short term, let's just focus on the game in question.

0:24:290:24:32

Let's get this done and then worry about your future after.

0:24:320:24:36

It's getting out of hand. I was playing Cluedo the other day

0:24:360:24:39

and I got a letter from Professor Plum's lawyers

0:24:390:24:42

telling me I couldn't name him, the name of the room or the murder weapon.

0:24:420:24:45

Time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication

0:24:450:24:50

the self-help magazine that sensitively tries to guide its readers

0:24:500:24:53

through the stresses and strains of modern living.

0:24:530:24:56

It's Going Bonkers magazine.

0:24:560:24:58

We start with:

0:25:000:25:01

"Dear me, I regard you as a huge drain on my resources."

0:25:060:25:09

"Dear Eric, I regard you as a huge Pickles."

0:25:110:25:14

"Dear elephant, I regard you as a huge,

0:25:160:25:19

"unmentioned thing in the room."

0:25:190:25:21

"Dear News of the World, I regard you as a huge,

0:25:240:25:26

"illegal answer-phone service."

0:25:260:25:28

It's "Dear Fear, I regard you as a huge piranha."

0:25:300:25:34

This is a letter in Going Bonkers, which says:

0:25:340:25:38

-Piranhas don't have tentacles.

-No.

0:25:430:25:46

They do with this one, it was written by a fisherman in Fukushima.

0:25:460:25:50

Next:

0:25:500:25:52

"Wait till you get married on Friday."

0:25:560:25:58

"Then you shouldn't have gone into a coalition."

0:26:000:26:04

It's not from one of your books, is it?

0:26:040:26:06

No, it's about love and joy in my books.

0:26:060:26:09

If this was chick lit, how would you finish it?

0:26:090:26:11

"Gregory walked into the room. The moonlight played upon his greying temples.

0:26:110:26:15

"He moved over to the harmonium and dashed off a Beethoven etude.

0:26:150:26:19

"She looks him in the eye, he looks her in the eye.

0:26:190:26:21

"They had something in common - they were both drunk."

0:26:210:26:24

-Is that the right answer?

-I dunno, but Louise was scribbling furiously.

0:26:250:26:29

And, finally:

0:26:370:26:38

"They work well in hot water, but they then have to be poured

0:26:410:26:45

"through the spout of opportunity into the cup of hopefulness."

0:26:450:26:49

MARCUS: "Says inventor of human-flavoured tea."

0:26:490:26:52

"They come in many shapes and sizes

0:26:540:26:57

"and we shouldn't try to find the perfect tea bag,

0:26:570:27:00

"cos some are triangular, some are round and some are square.

0:27:000:27:04

"And some aren't even tea bags, they're loose tea.

0:27:040:27:08

"And they need to be looked after more than the other tea.

0:27:080:27:11

"Cos they haven't been put in a bag. They haven't been given boundaries."

0:27:110:27:15

And the answer is:

0:27:170:27:18

In boiling water?!

0:27:210:27:24

What? Cold water's not much of a test!

0:27:240:27:26

"He's been in there for five weeks."

0:27:260:27:29

Get 'em in the boiling water, see how tough they are!

0:27:300:27:33

So the final scores are Ian and Louise have five,

0:27:330:27:37

Paul and Marcus have seven.

0:27:370:27:39

APPLAUSE

0:27:390:27:41

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

0:27:460:27:48

Ian Hislop and Louise Bagshawe, Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke.

0:27:480:27:51

And I leave you with news that, at the signing of the new US-Italian alliance,

0:27:510:27:55

President Obama has to make one more concession than he would have liked.

0:27:550:27:59

After driving the streets of Berkshire,

0:28:040:28:06

a pensioner finally tracks down the gang who stole her curtains.

0:28:060:28:10

And, after one Cabinet split too many, David Cameron waits patiently for Vince Cable to leave his house.

0:28:140:28:20

Goodnight.

0:28:250:28:27

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:540:28:57

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:570:29:01