Episode 2 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 2

Popular news quiz. Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Stephen Mangan and guest panellists Bob Ainsworth and Kevin Bridges.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.

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After a week when nothing's gone right for him,

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Nick Clegg visits a Scottish shipyard

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and tries his hand at welding.

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In Soho, an enthusiastic trainee cameraman

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begins work on the set of Lesbian Nurses 3.

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And after negotiating a substantial pay rise,

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Nick Robinson taunts Huw Edwards

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by comparing their salaries live on air.

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NO AUDIO

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On Ian's team is a comedian from Glasgow who is only 24.

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Or as it's known in Glasgow, middle-aged!

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-Please welcome Kevin Bridges.

-APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight

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is a former Defence Secretary who acquired a nickname

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based on an offensive word

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he was thought to have said in the House of Commons.

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He denied he said it, the word was removed from Hansard

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and the matter is now completely forgotten.

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Please welcome Bollocks Bob Ainsworth.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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We start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Kevin, take a look at this.

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It's a mobile phone. Someone's hacking into it.

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That's Andy Coulson. He's not listening - oh, no! He doesn't know anything about it.

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Murdoch doesn't know anything about it.

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Oh, he's apologised, so maybe he did.

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Who's that? ..Sienna Miller.

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And that isn't Sienna Miller!

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They've apologised.

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They HAVE apologised, indeed.

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Why have they decided to apologise now?

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They've been phone hacking people for years.

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They said it was the result of a lone hacker.

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The editor of the News Of The World at the time said he had no idea it was going on.

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Why would he, he's editing the paper!

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I can tell you, I've no idea what happens at all at Private Eye.

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Um...

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No idea.

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-That is self-evident!

-Yes!

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You only have to read the issue.

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But Mr Coulson has resigned twice now for something he didn't do.

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Which is very noble of him.

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-He may even go to jail for something he didn't do.

-Yeah.

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For celebrities,

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I think if you don't want your voicemails getting hacked, answer your phone!

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Simple enough.

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It would be good if they hacked ordinary people, guys like me.

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Have you not been hacked?

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I'd like to see the headlines.

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"Scottish comedian tells mother he won't be home for tea

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"as he's going to KFC for a Godfather meal".

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Have you been hacked, Bob?

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Not that I'm aware of. Great shame, really.

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Have you said anything interesting on the phone?

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-Not that I'm prepared to admit to!

-Oh, come on, you're amongst friends.

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We won't tell anybody.

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-They're only apologising for two years.

-Right.

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Only for the time Andy Coulson was editor,

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not for the time, say, Rebekah Wade was editor.

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Yes.

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-What has Rebekah Wade admitted to?

-Paying the police for stories.

-Yes.

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At a parliamentary committee. She said, "Oh, we paid the police for stories,"

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and Andy Coulson, sitting next to her, had to go, "What's that up there? La-la-la!"

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-Then they issued a clarification.

-Yes.

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-Saying when she said they'd paid the police for stories, they meant they hadn't.

-Yeah.

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Hacking celebrities - everything in their lives is on Twitter. Bob, you're on Twitter.

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- I was doing a bit of research. - This afternoon.

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-What were you Twittering?

-I was seeking advice about this programme.

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-Who from?

-Oh, anybody. Anybody who'd give me any.

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-Did they give you...?

-They all said I was mad to come on.

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And that you would murder me.

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-That's a bit strong.

-They said the little...

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You might never walk straight again, you know what I mean? Eh?

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-A bit of that, but you know...

-One of them said,

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"The little slaphead at the end will murder you."

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Was this Piers Morgan you were talking to?

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-The thinking man's amoeba.

-What you said, Bob, I wrote it,

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"I've agreed to do Have I Got News For You, am I mad? Time will tell.

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"All advice on how to survive will be gratefully received."

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A reply from the chief political editor of the Daily Express said,

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"Don't do it, you'll look like a dick."

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APPLAUSE

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How did News International senior executive James Murdoch

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boast about the way the company was handling the scandal only a week ago?

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He said that they've contained the scandal and it's now in a box.

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Yes, he said:

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-In a box marked

-BLEEP.

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What, according to the Observer,

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did Rupert Murdoch do when Gordon Brown became PM

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and initiated an investigation into the phone hacking?

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-He phoned up Number Ten.

-Asked him to go easy.

-Yeah.

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They knew that, cos they were just checking.

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The source told them:

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Their source was an ex-minister who wants to remain anonymous.

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Do you think, though,

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that Murdoch could just ring up Number Ten during your time there

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-and sort things out?

-What do you mean, in my time there?

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Well, you were in the Cabinet! I know it's easy to forget(!)

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He's thinking about the slaphead remark from earlier!

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Did he have that sort of access? Did you lot jump when Murdoch called?

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Do you think Number Ten gives all their secrets to all their ministers?

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You were Chief Whip, then you were Defence Secretary.

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You can't say you didn't know anything.

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-Deputy.

-Deputy Chief Whip. Sorry, I really over-exaggerated your...

-Promoted me!

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So, how about an answer, then?

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-I know nothing!

-Is that why you were in the Cabinet?

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APPLAUSE

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What did you think of him, then?

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-What, Gordon?

-What does he do these days, since he's no longer on the telly?

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He's down here, he's pressing some buttons for me.

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-All right, Gordon?

-According to one newspaper...

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-Want some water?

-..he was going to run the IMF.

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-He's down there.

-Shh! We're doing a TV programme.

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So, which investigative journalist really blew the whole story apart?

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-Famous actor?

-You mean Hugh Grant?

-What did he do?

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-He wired himself up and he went to talk to...

-He had four coffees?

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What are you talking about?

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He put a wire on himself and went to interview an old News of the World journalist.

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He turned the tables.

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He tapped someone else's conversation

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and this old News of the World lag said,

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"Yeah, we taped everyone, Rebekah Wade did it, we were at it all the time.

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"Murder victims? We tapped their families. Ha-ha-ha."

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Charming lot(!)

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Hugh Grant taped former News of the World journalist Paul McMullan

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in the pub he now runs near Dover.

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He was the original whistleblower who gave details of phone hacking to the press.

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He said, and this was printed in the New Statesman:

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Hugh pushed his questioning a bit further:

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So, why do you think McMullan originally decided

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to blow the whistle on phone hacking? A pang of conscience?

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-No.

-He told Hugh Grant:

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Although we should point out, it's a really shit pub!

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-You don't know his pub was rubbish.

-No, but it was shit.

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It was just a joke.

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LAUGHTER

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This is the phone-hacking scandal which saw News of the World journalists

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intercept the voicemails of some of Britain's best-loved celebrities.

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And Andy Gray.

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It's been claimed that Rupert Murdoch leant on Gordon Brown to defuse the phone-hacking row.

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A spokesman for the News of the World said:

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He then put down the newspaper and denied the claim.

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The editor of Private Eye has also been embroiled in the scandal

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as evidence has come to light that News of the World journalists

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have been intercepting his messenger pigeon.

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Paul and Bob, here's yours.

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Right. Um...

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-She's shocked.

-She seems to be shocked by the camera-work, I think.

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Um... Is her mouth stuck in that open position? Unfortunate for her.

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That is right. This is the story of Holly Thompson

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who appeared on the BBC Three programme Bizarre ER this week.

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During her politics A-level class,

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she was so bored, she gave a big yawn

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and actually dislocated her jaw.

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How did the school nurse attempt to free Holly's jaw?

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-Er...

-Did they show her something interesting politically?

-Like Bob!

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In the end

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26 wooden splints were inserted into Holly's mouth,

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stretching it wider and wider and wider until it clicked back into place.

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-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Yes!

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-How far back can a human mouth go?

-Would you like to find out? Gordon?

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Holly may find politics boring but I beg to differ,

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as I unveil my banana skin of news.

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All four of these have slipped up this week, but how?

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-Here's the first one.

-OK.

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-Nick Clegg.

-He makes gaffes on such a regular basis,

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it's very difficult. They're like buses.

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Name three.

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The big one was the student fees promise

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that he made so blatantly and then broke.

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I don't think that's this week, though.

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-He's never really recovered from it, has he?

-No. No. Any others?

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Anything? No? I mean, I'm just interested.

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You're the MP, after all. Um...

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Ian, you got an idea?

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This is Gillian Duffy, the woman who did for Gordon Brown.

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-That's right.

-She's the Susan Boyle of British politics.

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She asked Nick Clegg to... if he can look at her in the eye and tell her that he's happy.

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He got ambushed. The local Labour MP thought,

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"We'll wheel out Gillian again and see if she can end another career."

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Em, but Clegg doesn't really need a lot of help.

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Gillian Duffy collared Nick Clegg this week when he visited Rochdale.

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Earlier in the day he'd given an interview on Sky News where he said this:

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£400 million a day,

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that's enough to build a primary school in Liverpool every 20 minutes.

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And then in his personal one-to-one chat with Gillian Duffy,

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given the chance to put the media speak to one side and give a straight answer, he said this.

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-Do you know how much money we're borrowing every single day?

-Well, it's coming out in the press at...

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It's £400 million every single day of the week.

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That's enough to build a primary school here in Rochdale every 20 minutes.

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I wonder what Nick Clegg would do if he won the lottery.

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Build a primary school in Liverpool every 20 minutes?

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-They don't last long, primary schools in Liverpool.

-No, that's a lot of primary schools.

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Every 20 minutes?! I mean, get the ringleader and sort them out, you know.

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What other signs are there that Nick Clegg is becoming toxic?

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A lot of local councils in the election haven't put him on their leaflets.

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-Not even in Sheffield, I think.

-Not even in his own constituency!

-His own city.

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He's been airbrushed out of election leaflets in the run-up to May 5th.

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As the leader of the Liberal Democrats in Liverpool has told him, "Please pull out of the coalition...

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Bob, what's it like in the annals of history?

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Let's return to my banana skin of news.

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-David Cameron.

-Has he gaffed this week?

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Yes, he said the Oxford intake only had one black person

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going in last year and there was 24.

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Oxford said David Cameron didn't know what he was talking about,

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David Cameron said Oxford didn't know what they were talking about.

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-Somewhere amidst all that is the answer.

-Yes, here he is.

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I saw figures the other day that showed that only one black person went to Oxford last year.

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-I think that is disgraceful.

-Oxford needs more waiters than that!

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Oxford University claimed this figure was inaccurate and misleading.

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Which he could have found out.

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I went and had a look at the website where it breaks down the figures.

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I know, again, you can't expect the Prime Minister to waste his valuable time getting it right,

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but it is all there, it is broken down.

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There is one Afro-Caribbean in the 2009 figures,

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but the ethnic-minority intake to Oxford

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is above what you would expect for the number of people there.

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So it isn't Oxford being disgraceful.

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He should look at schools, education and lack of opportunity.

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There is one Afro-Caribbean boy getting into Oxford? Why is that?

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Is that the fault of racist admissions tutors,

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or could it be something to do with the 18 years previous to that interview?

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Sorry about that.

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APPLAUSE

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What is it they teach you at Oxford that is so good?

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Cos then... I don't have to bother going then.

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-Who paid for your education?

-The taxpayer.

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Then I pay my taxes, Bob, and that funds the next generation.

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Or it is meant to except you introduced tuition fees, remember?

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APPLAUSE

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I also left school and started paying taxes so I could pay for your education

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so you could start behaving like a stuck-up, er...

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AUDIENCE GASPS DROWN SPEECH

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I didn't go to university, I worked for the News Of The World. I haven't paid any tax for 25 years.

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APPLAUSE

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Good! Right.

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So there's been another gaffe involving immigration.

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David Cameron and Vince Cable.

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This was on the news just before we came in. I only half-registered it.

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I expect Bob's got the detail.

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He was complain... LAUGHTER

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He was complaining about his language.

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He was saying that he was being inflammatory with the language he was using.

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Yes, Cameron's speech on immigration angered Lib Dem Vince Cable,

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so is this the beginning of the end for the coalition?

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I hope so!

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You could be back, Bob!

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I wouldn't put money on it,

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but, er...

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You'd then be "Bounce-Back" Bob instead of "Bollocks" Bob.

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APPLAUSE

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How has David Cameron proved he is just like an ordinary person?

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They took a budget flight on holiday, flew to somewhere-or-other?

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-They went Ryanair.

-And they stayed in a three-star bed-and-breakfast for his wife's 40th birthday.

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Just ask her for a divorce, David!

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May have had something to do with the PR approach,

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a nice, friendly picture that shows just like all of us, he's going on holiday.

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Except the picture showed an empty departure lounge. When I fly Ryanair or easyJet,

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-it is not empty.

-You are a very popular man, Ian!

-Yeah.

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Right, back to my banana skin of news.

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-Who is that fellow?

-Blakey from On The Buses!

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-From me? This week?

-It is not a recent gaffe.

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Oh, cos this week, I couldn't think of any.

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-Something you announced...

-There are loads of those.

-..in the run-up to the general election.

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I told everybody what the general election date was going to be and upset Gordon Brown.

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Let's look at what you said, and bear in mind at this point

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no-one in the Government - repeat, NO-ONE - was allowed to reveal

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the exact date the election would be held.

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We haven't lost our election. We need to fight it together

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with all of our strengths and ability

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and put that choice to the British public

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because I think they will wake up and rue the day

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if they wind up with a Conservative Government in charge of this country

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after the 6th May.

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You plotted against him, didn't you? He didn't like you cos you tried to get rid of him.

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Oh...

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How do you know that?

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He told us.

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He's nodding.

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And going like that!

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MPs' expenses have been back in the news this week.

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According to the Telegraph, over two dozens MPs who swiftly repaid questionable expenses...

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They included Cheryl Gillan the Welsh Secretary who asked to be reimbursed once again for...

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Three tins of food, her dog ate.

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Let's remind ourselves of the greedy bitch.

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Finally, how have state politicians in Oregon

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managed to make local politics less boring?

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-Sharing the lyrics.

-That's absolutely right.

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They have been inserting lines from a Rick Astley hit from the 1980s into their speeches,

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word by word, phrase by phrase.

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The hit is Never Gonna Give You Up. Let's have a look.

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-I just want to tell you how I'm feeling.

-Make sure you understand.

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-I'm never going to give you up.

-I'll never let you down.

-We're not going to run around and desert you.

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# Never gonna make you cry

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# Never gonna say goodbye

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# Never gonna tell a lie

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# And hurt you... #

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-We've known each other for so long.

-Your heart's been aching.

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-But you're too shy to say it.

-Inside we both know.

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-What's been going on.

-We know the game and we're going to play it.

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-If you ask me.

-How I'm feeling about this.

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Don't tell me you are too blind to see it.

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Never going to give.

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We are never going to let you down.

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We are not going to run around and desert you.

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-Never going to.

-Make you cry.

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-Never going to say goodbye.

-I won't tell a lie.

-And hurt you.

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Ooh!

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, this is the news that politics can be a little boring,

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so boring that a student yawned so hard in a politics lesson that she dislocated her jaw.

0:19:450:19:49

The student was taken to hospital

0:19:490:19:51

where her condition was described as "hilarious".

0:19:510:19:54

It's been a remarkable rise for Gillian Duffy. Last year

0:19:560:19:58

she confronted Gordon Brown, this week she harangued Nick Clegg.

0:19:580:20:01

Next week she is off to Tripoli for a few words with Colonel Gaddafi.

0:20:010:20:05

And so to Round Two and the fun continues with the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:20:060:20:12

-BELL RINGS

-It's Yuri Gagarin.

-It is.

0:20:150:20:18

It's 50 years since he was the first man in space.

0:20:180:20:21

That's topical news. Er...

0:20:210:20:25

And it's very exciting cos it's 50 years.

0:20:250:20:29

Since he was the first man in space.

0:20:290:20:33

Yes, it's the 50th anniversary of Yuri Gagarin becoming the first man in space.

0:20:330:20:39

-What was Gagarin's main concern just minutes before takeoff?

-That he was going to die

0:20:390:20:44

a horrible death, in a blaze of meteorites,

0:20:440:20:48

like the poor dog that was sent up before him,

0:20:480:20:50

that they now admit died - Lawka or Looka or something like that -

0:20:500:20:54

through sheer stress, not knowing what was happening,

0:20:540:20:56

and they never said it died cos Russia didn't want to be

0:20:560:20:59

the first nation to fire a dead dog into outer space.

0:20:590:21:02

So, erm, he was the one that went first, but then Yuri Gagarin went after him.

0:21:020:21:07

-What was the dog's name?

-Began with an L. Lawka or something.

0:21:070:21:09

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT

-Laika, somebody said. Laika.

0:21:090:21:13

Part dog, part camera.

0:21:130:21:14

So his main concern just before takeoff was his food supplies on landing. He said...

0:21:170:21:23

Presumably left by the dog...

0:21:260:21:28

What did Gagarin say as the rockets were igniting and which has become his catchphrase?

0:21:280:21:33

"Can you smell a dead dog in here?"

0:21:330:21:35

"I'll open the window. Oh, that's a mistake."

0:21:370:21:39

Did he say, "To infinity and beyond"?

0:21:390:21:45

In a Russian accent.

0:21:450:21:48

That would have been much cooler. He said, "Poyekhali," which means,

0:21:480:21:51

"Off we go."

0:21:510:21:54

Hooray!

0:21:540:21:55

What worrying observation was made about Gagarin's abilities whilst at pilot school?

0:21:550:22:00

-He's so drunk he can't stand up.

-Did he fail his test first time?

0:22:000:22:05

Making him, therefore, a better...

0:22:050:22:07

-You never hear about anybody failing their pilot's test.

-Not their first launch into space.

0:22:070:22:11

"I got to 30,000 feet, it was going well, then I stalled!"

0:22:110:22:16

Do you have a pilot's test? Surely you must.

0:22:160:22:19

-"When I hit the dashboard, re-enter."

-Who are we talking about now?!

0:22:190:22:23

-Enough of your Hollywood stories, young man.

-We don't need to go into that.

0:22:230:22:27

You stay where you are, Gordon!

0:22:270:22:30

Gordon invisible is doing better than he ever did visible!

0:22:340:22:39

There's a warmth to the invisible presence of Gordon Brown.

0:22:390:22:42

He's a good lad, I tell you. Cold hands, but a good lad!

0:22:420:22:46

APPLAUSE

0:22:460:22:48

Apparently Yuri Gagarin showed promise in everything except landing.

0:22:480:22:53

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:530:22:55

-BELL RINGS

-Yes, Ian?

0:23:000:23:02

This is the Happiness Movement.

0:23:020:23:04

They've launched Happiness Awareness Day.

0:23:040:23:06

Everyone's got to be happier, and one of the ways is you get free hugs.

0:23:060:23:10

-Would you like a hug?

-No.

-All right.

0:23:100:23:13

-Where does this happen?

-This is in Britain, amazingly!

-UK-wide?

0:23:130:23:16

-Yeah, it was launched in London.

-"Free hugs" - bullshit!

0:23:160:23:20

LAUGHTER

0:23:200:23:22

They always publish these happiness indexes

0:23:220:23:25

and they show you where's the happiest places in the UK,

0:23:250:23:28

and it's always that the most happy people are people from Kensington,

0:23:280:23:32

and at the bottom are people from Doncaster. Shock revelations

0:23:320:23:35

that people who shop in Waitrose and cycle to work

0:23:350:23:38

are more chuffed than people who have seen a dog's paw print in a human shite.

0:23:380:23:43

Wow(!)

0:23:450:23:47

Shock(!) Who saw that coming(?) APPLAUSE

0:23:470:23:51

David Cameron got a bit cross about people not being able to have fun.

0:23:510:23:54

Let's have a look at one of his attempts to make us all happy.

0:23:540:23:56

These penpushers and busybodies are completely wrong.

0:23:560:24:00

They have no right to stop you from having fun,

0:24:000:24:03

and let me put it like this. I'm the Prime Minister and I'm telling you,

0:24:030:24:07

if you want to have a street party, you go ahead and have one!

0:24:070:24:12

He's trying to get us used to being on the street cos he's going to make so many of us homeless.

0:24:130:24:17

I think that's why he's encouraging street parties,

0:24:170:24:20

to try and network and find people that can put us up, really.

0:24:200:24:24

D'you want to see someone else who is definitely not happy?

0:24:240:24:27

Here is Peter Hitchens at the recent Press Awards,

0:24:270:24:30

hearing that Matthew Parris has won Columnist of the Year.

0:24:300:24:33

..and he is... Matthew Parris!

0:24:360:24:39

Time for the Missing Words round

0:24:470:24:48

which features as its guest publication

0:24:480:24:51

The Missing Link.

0:24:510:24:52

The British Sausage Appreciation Society newsletter.

0:24:520:24:56

If you're curious about its contents, you don't want to know.

0:24:560:24:59

We start with:

0:24:590:25:01

KEVIN: What a night!

0:25:060:25:08

APPLAUSE

0:25:080:25:11

He said he gave her the money

0:25:130:25:16

in order that she wouldn't become a prostitute.

0:25:160:25:19

Berlusconi went on to claim...

0:25:250:25:27

Although going another way would have cost extra!

0:25:310:25:35

What was the Czech President spotted doing this week?

0:25:350:25:40

-Kevin.

-He stole somebody's pen.

-He did indeed.

0:25:400:25:43

-Have we got a clip?

-We do.

0:25:430:25:46

He stole the ceremonial pen during an official visit to Chile.

0:25:460:25:49

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

0:25:490:25:53

SEBASTIAN PINERA SPEAKS SPANISH

0:25:590:26:03

How happy is that guy going to be when Argos open up in the Czech Republic?

0:26:240:26:29

Was there any comeback to it?

0:26:290:26:30

He must have been annoyed they were playing that music while he was doing it. Next...

0:26:300:26:35

As lover of the great British banger.

0:26:410:26:43

Showing sausages unite people around the world.

0:26:430:26:46

Is almost the right answer.

0:26:460:26:49

President Christine Fernandez is an appropriate spokeswoman for the sausage

0:26:540:26:58

as she is all eyes, teeth and hair!

0:26:580:27:01

And finally...

0:27:040:27:06

Delouse the cat.

0:27:090:27:11

This is Emma Keeitch,

0:27:170:27:18

who did a runner after she discovered the word "move" written in condensation on a window.

0:27:180:27:22

According to the Star, the ghost also...

0:27:220:27:24

To make matters worse,

0:27:270:27:29

it was the wrong recycling bin, so she got fined as well.

0:27:290:27:32

So the final scores are...

0:27:340:27:36

Ian and Kevin have six,

0:27:360:27:38

but this week's winners are Paul and Bob with seven.

0:27:380:27:41

APPLAUSE

0:27:410:27:43

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:27:480:27:50

Ian Hislop and Kevin Bridges, Paul Merton and Bob Ainsworth. I leave you with the news

0:27:500:27:54

that word spreads that food ministries have agreed to a worldwide ban on turtle soup.

0:27:540:27:59

After touring a factory in Swindon,

0:28:050:28:07

David Cameron helps Nick Clegg into his seat in the prime ministerial car.

0:28:070:28:10

And finally, theatre news.

0:28:130:28:15

There's a serious problem with the casting in the Beijing production of Oliver!

0:28:150:28:19

Good night.

0:28:240:28:26

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:430:28:47

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:470:28:51

I think we should admit that Gordon Brown isn't actually here.

0:41:410:41:45

LAUGHTER

0:41:450:41:46

No, no, I think we should keep it going,

0:41:460:41:48

because next week he can appear as a glove puppet.

0:41:480:41:54