Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.

After a week when nothing's gone right for him,

Nick Clegg visits a Scottish shipyard

and tries his hand at welding.

In Soho, an enthusiastic trainee cameraman

begins work on the set of Lesbian Nurses 3.

And after negotiating a substantial pay rise,

Nick Robinson taunts Huw Edwards

by comparing their salaries live on air.

NO AUDIO

On Ian's team is a comedian from Glasgow who is only 24.

Or as it's known in Glasgow, middle-aged!

-Please welcome Kevin Bridges.

-APPLAUSE

And with Paul Merton tonight

is a former Defence Secretary who acquired a nickname

based on an offensive word

he was thought to have said in the House of Commons.

He denied he said it, the word was removed from Hansard

and the matter is now completely forgotten.

Please welcome Bollocks Bob Ainsworth.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Kevin, take a look at this.

It's a mobile phone. Someone's hacking into it.

That's Andy Coulson. He's not listening - oh, no! He doesn't know anything about it.

Murdoch doesn't know anything about it.

Oh, he's apologised, so maybe he did.

Who's that? ..Sienna Miller.

And that isn't Sienna Miller!

They've apologised.

They HAVE apologised, indeed.

Why have they decided to apologise now?

They've been phone hacking people for years.

They said it was the result of a lone hacker.

The editor of the News Of The World at the time said he had no idea it was going on.

Why would he, he's editing the paper!

I can tell you, I've no idea what happens at all at Private Eye.

Um...

No idea.

-That is self-evident!

-Yes!

You only have to read the issue.

But Mr Coulson has resigned twice now for something he didn't do.

Which is very noble of him.

-He may even go to jail for something he didn't do.

-Yeah.

For celebrities,

I think if you don't want your voicemails getting hacked, answer your phone!

Simple enough.

It would be good if they hacked ordinary people, guys like me.

Have you not been hacked?

I'd like to see the headlines.

"Scottish comedian tells mother he won't be home for tea

"as he's going to KFC for a Godfather meal".

Have you been hacked, Bob?

Not that I'm aware of. Great shame, really.

Have you said anything interesting on the phone?

-Not that I'm prepared to admit to!

-Oh, come on, you're amongst friends.

We won't tell anybody.

-They're only apologising for two years.

-Right.

Only for the time Andy Coulson was editor,

not for the time, say, Rebekah Wade was editor.

Yes.

-What has Rebekah Wade admitted to?

-Paying the police for stories.

-Yes.

At a parliamentary committee. She said, "Oh, we paid the police for stories,"

and Andy Coulson, sitting next to her, had to go, "What's that up there? La-la-la!"

-Then they issued a clarification.

-Yes.

-Saying when she said they'd paid the police for stories, they meant they hadn't.

-Yeah.

Hacking celebrities - everything in their lives is on Twitter. Bob, you're on Twitter.

- I was doing a bit of research. - This afternoon.

-What were you Twittering?

-I was seeking advice about this programme.

-Who from?

-Oh, anybody. Anybody who'd give me any.

-Did they give you...?

-They all said I was mad to come on.

And that you would murder me.

-That's a bit strong.

-They said the little...

You might never walk straight again, you know what I mean? Eh?

-A bit of that, but you know...

-One of them said,

"The little slaphead at the end will murder you."

AUDIENCE GROANS

Was this Piers Morgan you were talking to?

-The thinking man's amoeba.

-What you said, Bob, I wrote it,

"I've agreed to do Have I Got News For You, am I mad? Time will tell.

"All advice on how to survive will be gratefully received."

A reply from the chief political editor of the Daily Express said,

"Don't do it, you'll look like a dick."

APPLAUSE

How did News International senior executive James Murdoch

boast about the way the company was handling the scandal only a week ago?

He said that they've contained the scandal and it's now in a box.

Yes, he said:

-In a box marked

-BLEEP.

What, according to the Observer,

did Rupert Murdoch do when Gordon Brown became PM

and initiated an investigation into the phone hacking?

-He phoned up Number Ten.

-Asked him to go easy.

-Yeah.

They knew that, cos they were just checking.

The source told them:

Their source was an ex-minister who wants to remain anonymous.

Do you think, though,

that Murdoch could just ring up Number Ten during your time there

-and sort things out?

-What do you mean, in my time there?

Well, you were in the Cabinet! I know it's easy to forget(!)

He's thinking about the slaphead remark from earlier!

Did he have that sort of access? Did you lot jump when Murdoch called?

Do you think Number Ten gives all their secrets to all their ministers?

You were Chief Whip, then you were Defence Secretary.

You can't say you didn't know anything.

-Deputy.

-Deputy Chief Whip. Sorry, I really over-exaggerated your...

-Promoted me!

So, how about an answer, then?

-I know nothing!

-Is that why you were in the Cabinet?

APPLAUSE

What did you think of him, then?

-What, Gordon?

-What does he do these days, since he's no longer on the telly?

He's down here, he's pressing some buttons for me.

-All right, Gordon?

-According to one newspaper...

-Want some water?

-..he was going to run the IMF.

-He's down there.

-Shh! We're doing a TV programme.

So, which investigative journalist really blew the whole story apart?

-Famous actor?

-You mean Hugh Grant?

-What did he do?

-He wired himself up and he went to talk to...

-He had four coffees?

What are you talking about?

He put a wire on himself and went to interview an old News of the World journalist.

He turned the tables.

He tapped someone else's conversation

and this old News of the World lag said,

"Yeah, we taped everyone, Rebekah Wade did it, we were at it all the time.

"Murder victims? We tapped their families. Ha-ha-ha."

Charming lot(!)

Hugh Grant taped former News of the World journalist Paul McMullan

in the pub he now runs near Dover.

He was the original whistleblower who gave details of phone hacking to the press.

He said, and this was printed in the New Statesman:

Hugh pushed his questioning a bit further:

So, why do you think McMullan originally decided

to blow the whistle on phone hacking? A pang of conscience?

-No.

-He told Hugh Grant:

Although we should point out, it's a really shit pub!

-You don't know his pub was rubbish.

-No, but it was shit.

It was just a joke.

LAUGHTER

This is the phone-hacking scandal which saw News of the World journalists

intercept the voicemails of some of Britain's best-loved celebrities.

And Andy Gray.

It's been claimed that Rupert Murdoch leant on Gordon Brown to defuse the phone-hacking row.

A spokesman for the News of the World said:

He then put down the newspaper and denied the claim.

The editor of Private Eye has also been embroiled in the scandal

as evidence has come to light that News of the World journalists

have been intercepting his messenger pigeon.

Paul and Bob, here's yours.

Right. Um...

-She's shocked.

-She seems to be shocked by the camera-work, I think.

Um... Is her mouth stuck in that open position? Unfortunate for her.

That is right. This is the story of Holly Thompson

who appeared on the BBC Three programme Bizarre ER this week.

During her politics A-level class,

she was so bored, she gave a big yawn

and actually dislocated her jaw.

How did the school nurse attempt to free Holly's jaw?

-Er...

-Did they show her something interesting politically?

-Like Bob!

In the end

26 wooden splints were inserted into Holly's mouth,

stretching it wider and wider and wider until it clicked back into place.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Yes!

-How far back can a human mouth go?

-Would you like to find out? Gordon?

Holly may find politics boring but I beg to differ,

as I unveil my banana skin of news.

All four of these have slipped up this week, but how?

-Here's the first one.

-OK.

-Nick Clegg.

-He makes gaffes on such a regular basis,

it's very difficult. They're like buses.

Name three.

The big one was the student fees promise

that he made so blatantly and then broke.

I don't think that's this week, though.

-He's never really recovered from it, has he?

-No. No. Any others?

Anything? No? I mean, I'm just interested.

You're the MP, after all. Um...

Ian, you got an idea?

This is Gillian Duffy, the woman who did for Gordon Brown.

-That's right.

-She's the Susan Boyle of British politics.

She asked Nick Clegg to... if he can look at her in the eye and tell her that he's happy.

He got ambushed. The local Labour MP thought,

"We'll wheel out Gillian again and see if she can end another career."

Em, but Clegg doesn't really need a lot of help.

Gillian Duffy collared Nick Clegg this week when he visited Rochdale.

Earlier in the day he'd given an interview on Sky News where he said this:

£400 million a day,

that's enough to build a primary school in Liverpool every 20 minutes.

And then in his personal one-to-one chat with Gillian Duffy,

given the chance to put the media speak to one side and give a straight answer, he said this.

-Do you know how much money we're borrowing every single day?

-Well, it's coming out in the press at...

It's £400 million every single day of the week.

That's enough to build a primary school here in Rochdale every 20 minutes.

I wonder what Nick Clegg would do if he won the lottery.

Build a primary school in Liverpool every 20 minutes?

-They don't last long, primary schools in Liverpool.

-No, that's a lot of primary schools.

Every 20 minutes?! I mean, get the ringleader and sort them out, you know.

What other signs are there that Nick Clegg is becoming toxic?

A lot of local councils in the election haven't put him on their leaflets.

-Not even in Sheffield, I think.

-Not even in his own constituency!

-His own city.

He's been airbrushed out of election leaflets in the run-up to May 5th.

As the leader of the Liberal Democrats in Liverpool has told him, "Please pull out of the coalition...

Bob, what's it like in the annals of history?

Let's return to my banana skin of news.

-David Cameron.

-Has he gaffed this week?

Yes, he said the Oxford intake only had one black person

going in last year and there was 24.

Oxford said David Cameron didn't know what he was talking about,

David Cameron said Oxford didn't know what they were talking about.

-Somewhere amidst all that is the answer.

-Yes, here he is.

I saw figures the other day that showed that only one black person went to Oxford last year.

-I think that is disgraceful.

-Oxford needs more waiters than that!

Oxford University claimed this figure was inaccurate and misleading.

Which he could have found out.

I went and had a look at the website where it breaks down the figures.

I know, again, you can't expect the Prime Minister to waste his valuable time getting it right,

but it is all there, it is broken down.

There is one Afro-Caribbean in the 2009 figures,

but the ethnic-minority intake to Oxford

is above what you would expect for the number of people there.

So it isn't Oxford being disgraceful.

He should look at schools, education and lack of opportunity.

There is one Afro-Caribbean boy getting into Oxford? Why is that?

Is that the fault of racist admissions tutors,

or could it be something to do with the 18 years previous to that interview?

Sorry about that.

APPLAUSE

What is it they teach you at Oxford that is so good?

Cos then... I don't have to bother going then.

-Who paid for your education?

-The taxpayer.

Then I pay my taxes, Bob, and that funds the next generation.

Or it is meant to except you introduced tuition fees, remember?

APPLAUSE

I also left school and started paying taxes so I could pay for your education

so you could start behaving like a stuck-up, er...

AUDIENCE GASPS DROWN SPEECH

I didn't go to university, I worked for the News Of The World. I haven't paid any tax for 25 years.

APPLAUSE

Good! Right.

So there's been another gaffe involving immigration.

David Cameron and Vince Cable.

This was on the news just before we came in. I only half-registered it.

I expect Bob's got the detail.

He was complain... LAUGHTER

He was complaining about his language.

He was saying that he was being inflammatory with the language he was using.

Yes, Cameron's speech on immigration angered Lib Dem Vince Cable,

so is this the beginning of the end for the coalition?

I hope so!

You could be back, Bob!

I wouldn't put money on it,

but, er...

You'd then be "Bounce-Back" Bob instead of "Bollocks" Bob.

APPLAUSE

How has David Cameron proved he is just like an ordinary person?

They took a budget flight on holiday, flew to somewhere-or-other?

-They went Ryanair.

-And they stayed in a three-star bed-and-breakfast for his wife's 40th birthday.

Just ask her for a divorce, David!

May have had something to do with the PR approach,

a nice, friendly picture that shows just like all of us, he's going on holiday.

Except the picture showed an empty departure lounge. When I fly Ryanair or easyJet,

-it is not empty.

-You are a very popular man, Ian!

-Yeah.

Right, back to my banana skin of news.

-Who is that fellow?

-Blakey from On The Buses!

-From me? This week?

-It is not a recent gaffe.

Oh, cos this week, I couldn't think of any.

-Something you announced...

-There are loads of those.

-..in the run-up to the general election.

I told everybody what the general election date was going to be and upset Gordon Brown.

Let's look at what you said, and bear in mind at this point

no-one in the Government - repeat, NO-ONE - was allowed to reveal

the exact date the election would be held.

We haven't lost our election. We need to fight it together

with all of our strengths and ability

and put that choice to the British public

because I think they will wake up and rue the day

if they wind up with a Conservative Government in charge of this country

after the 6th May.

You plotted against him, didn't you? He didn't like you cos you tried to get rid of him.

Oh...

How do you know that?

He told us.

He's nodding.

And going like that!

MPs' expenses have been back in the news this week.

According to the Telegraph, over two dozens MPs who swiftly repaid questionable expenses...

They included Cheryl Gillan the Welsh Secretary who asked to be reimbursed once again for...

Three tins of food, her dog ate.

Let's remind ourselves of the greedy bitch.

Finally, how have state politicians in Oregon

managed to make local politics less boring?

-Sharing the lyrics.

-That's absolutely right.

They have been inserting lines from a Rick Astley hit from the 1980s into their speeches,

word by word, phrase by phrase.

The hit is Never Gonna Give You Up. Let's have a look.

-I just want to tell you how I'm feeling.

-Make sure you understand.

-I'm never going to give you up.

-I'll never let you down.

-We're not going to run around and desert you.

# Never gonna make you cry

# Never gonna say goodbye

# Never gonna tell a lie

# And hurt you... #

-We've known each other for so long.

-Your heart's been aching.

-But you're too shy to say it.

-Inside we both know.

-What's been going on.

-We know the game and we're going to play it.

-If you ask me.

-How I'm feeling about this.

Don't tell me you are too blind to see it.

Never going to give.

We are never going to let you down.

We are not going to run around and desert you.

-Never going to.

-Make you cry.

-Never going to say goodbye.

-I won't tell a lie.

-And hurt you.

Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is the news that politics can be a little boring,

so boring that a student yawned so hard in a politics lesson that she dislocated her jaw.

The student was taken to hospital

where her condition was described as "hilarious".

It's been a remarkable rise for Gillian Duffy. Last year

she confronted Gordon Brown, this week she harangued Nick Clegg.

Next week she is off to Tripoli for a few words with Colonel Gaddafi.

And so to Round Two and the fun continues with the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BELL RINGS

-It's Yuri Gagarin.

-It is.

It's 50 years since he was the first man in space.

That's topical news. Er...

And it's very exciting cos it's 50 years.

Since he was the first man in space.

Yes, it's the 50th anniversary of Yuri Gagarin becoming the first man in space.

-What was Gagarin's main concern just minutes before takeoff?

-That he was going to die

a horrible death, in a blaze of meteorites,

like the poor dog that was sent up before him,

that they now admit died - Lawka or Looka or something like that -

through sheer stress, not knowing what was happening,

and they never said it died cos Russia didn't want to be

the first nation to fire a dead dog into outer space.

So, erm, he was the one that went first, but then Yuri Gagarin went after him.

-What was the dog's name?

-Began with an L. Lawka or something.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT

-Laika, somebody said. Laika.

Part dog, part camera.

So his main concern just before takeoff was his food supplies on landing. He said...

Presumably left by the dog...

What did Gagarin say as the rockets were igniting and which has become his catchphrase?

"Can you smell a dead dog in here?"

"I'll open the window. Oh, that's a mistake."

Did he say, "To infinity and beyond"?

In a Russian accent.

That would have been much cooler. He said, "Poyekhali," which means,

"Off we go."

Hooray!

What worrying observation was made about Gagarin's abilities whilst at pilot school?

-He's so drunk he can't stand up.

-Did he fail his test first time?

Making him, therefore, a better...

-You never hear about anybody failing their pilot's test.

-Not their first launch into space.

"I got to 30,000 feet, it was going well, then I stalled!"

Do you have a pilot's test? Surely you must.

-"When I hit the dashboard, re-enter."

-Who are we talking about now?!

-Enough of your Hollywood stories, young man.

-We don't need to go into that.

You stay where you are, Gordon!

Gordon invisible is doing better than he ever did visible!

There's a warmth to the invisible presence of Gordon Brown.

He's a good lad, I tell you. Cold hands, but a good lad!

APPLAUSE

Apparently Yuri Gagarin showed promise in everything except landing.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BELL RINGS

-Yes, Ian?

This is the Happiness Movement.

They've launched Happiness Awareness Day.

Everyone's got to be happier, and one of the ways is you get free hugs.

-Would you like a hug?

-No.

-All right.

-Where does this happen?

-This is in Britain, amazingly!

-UK-wide?

-Yeah, it was launched in London.

-"Free hugs" - bullshit!

LAUGHTER

They always publish these happiness indexes

and they show you where's the happiest places in the UK,

and it's always that the most happy people are people from Kensington,

and at the bottom are people from Doncaster. Shock revelations

that people who shop in Waitrose and cycle to work

are more chuffed than people who have seen a dog's paw print in a human shite.

Wow(!)

Shock(!) Who saw that coming(?) APPLAUSE

David Cameron got a bit cross about people not being able to have fun.

Let's have a look at one of his attempts to make us all happy.

These penpushers and busybodies are completely wrong.

They have no right to stop you from having fun,

and let me put it like this. I'm the Prime Minister and I'm telling you,

if you want to have a street party, you go ahead and have one!

He's trying to get us used to being on the street cos he's going to make so many of us homeless.

I think that's why he's encouraging street parties,

to try and network and find people that can put us up, really.

D'you want to see someone else who is definitely not happy?

Here is Peter Hitchens at the recent Press Awards,

hearing that Matthew Parris has won Columnist of the Year.

..and he is... Matthew Parris!

Time for the Missing Words round

which features as its guest publication

The Missing Link.

The British Sausage Appreciation Society newsletter.

If you're curious about its contents, you don't want to know.

We start with:

KEVIN: What a night!

APPLAUSE

He said he gave her the money

in order that she wouldn't become a prostitute.

Berlusconi went on to claim...

Although going another way would have cost extra!

What was the Czech President spotted doing this week?

-Kevin.

-He stole somebody's pen.

-He did indeed.

-Have we got a clip?

-We do.

He stole the ceremonial pen during an official visit to Chile.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

SEBASTIAN PINERA SPEAKS SPANISH

How happy is that guy going to be when Argos open up in the Czech Republic?

Was there any comeback to it?

He must have been annoyed they were playing that music while he was doing it. Next...

As lover of the great British banger.

Showing sausages unite people around the world.

Is almost the right answer.

President Christine Fernandez is an appropriate spokeswoman for the sausage

as she is all eyes, teeth and hair!

And finally...

Delouse the cat.

This is Emma Keeitch,

who did a runner after she discovered the word "move" written in condensation on a window.

According to the Star, the ghost also...

To make matters worse,

it was the wrong recycling bin, so she got fined as well.

So the final scores are...

Ian and Kevin have six,

but this week's winners are Paul and Bob with seven.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Kevin Bridges, Paul Merton and Bob Ainsworth. I leave you with the news

that word spreads that food ministries have agreed to a worldwide ban on turtle soup.

After touring a factory in Swindon,

David Cameron helps Nick Clegg into his seat in the prime ministerial car.

And finally, theatre news.

There's a serious problem with the casting in the Beijing production of Oliver!

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

I think we should admit that Gordon Brown isn't actually here.

LAUGHTER

No, no, I think we should keep it going,

because next week he can appear as a glove puppet.