Episode 1 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 1

Popular news quiz. Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Jack Dee and guest panellists Caroline Wyatt and Jon Richardson.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jack Dee.

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In the news this week:

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On the outskirts of Tripoli, as rebel forces close in,

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Colonel Gaddafi makes a desperate bid for freedom.

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LAUGHTER

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After his NHS reforms begin to damage the Government's popularity,

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Andrew Lansley wakes to find a dog turd on his doormat.

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LAUGHTER

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And there's a surprise in the cupboard for the new tenant renting Russell Brand's old flat.

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LAUGHTER

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On Ian Hislop's team, is the BBC's defence correspondent who, reporting from Iraq, said,

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"I've been in the desert for days and I can tell you, it's very sandy here."

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Still people question the value of News 24. Please welcome Caroline Wyatt.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul Merton tonight is a comedian who famously suffers from OCD.

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It's the third time he's been on the show, but who's counting?

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Well, he is. It's an odd number, that's why he's sweating. Welcome Jon Richardson.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Caroline, here's yours.

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CAROLINE: This is Colonel Gaddafi, dictator who is defiant, as all dictators are.

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There are the rebels, they seem to be fighting. Moussa Koussa,

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he defected saying to Colonel Gaddafi he was popping out to the doctors.

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And Saif being liberated by John Simpson.

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That's Obama providing light sabres to the rebels.

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LAUGHTER

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This is your patch, what's happening?

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They're still fighting on the ground. The rebels are in a bit of a stalemate.

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-Who's the man who defected?

-Moussa Koussa, very smooth talking foreign minister,

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but has also been what the papers call his fingernail puller in chief.

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He's defected in order to get away.

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-Yes. Wouldn't you?

-I suppose that's reasonable.

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How's Obama describe the US involvement in Libya?

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-He's gone over to complain about the noise.

-Yeah. He's described it as:

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JON: Are you sure this isn't Charlie Sheen?

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And then behind-the-scenes he referred to the Libya situation as:

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Did they cut the crusts off?

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You'd want a baguette really with a turd, wouldn't you?

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LAUGHTER

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Did anyone see Sarah Palin's reaction on Fox News? She came out with a new word for the whole thing.

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Another big question that has to be asked is "Are we at war?"

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I haven't heard the president say we are at war.

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That's why I, too, am not knowing do we use the term intervention,

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do we use "war", do we use squirmish, what is it?

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LAUGHTER

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That is quite brilliant. That is the American reaction.

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It's a squirmish. They're desperate not to be involved but they sort of are.

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You can tell the way she talks that literally every word she doesn't know what the next one will be.

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Is it a "squirmish", in your opinion?

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I think it's a major squirmish, as squirmishs go.

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How long will we be there?

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People are hoping it will be relatively short and that Gaddafi will go away.

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How come we managed to sack half the Armed Forces on the same day we went into Libya?

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-The MoD tries to do things right.

-Does it?

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You try to get value for money.

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You know the MoD eBay, you know eDisposal.

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-You can buy the kit they're trying to flog.

-Everything?

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-Ark Royal is there.

-Ark Royal is on eBay?

-EDisposal.

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-If you click it says "add to cart".

-Is there a price?

-No, no price.

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So you bid, in the last ten minutes, do you think I'll get it for ten quid?

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I love the idea of just you and Colonel Gaddafi locked on eBay.

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LAUGHTER

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What is the reaction been to America removing its jets from the NATO action?

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People are disappointed. It means we have to fill the hole.

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Did you hear what Lynsey Graham the Republican senator said?

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And the rebels have another secret weapon, as described here by this fighter.

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We have our GPSs, we have our maps. We have Google Earth.

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And I'm a computer engineer and there are many telecommunications engineers.

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-You're fighting with Google Earth?

-Why not?

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They don't lack a certain bravery.

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Caroline, I was wondering, you have covered war in Afghanistan

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and reported on the Kosovo conflict and been embedded in Basra...

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry. Do you... Do you...

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LAUGHTER

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Do you ever miss the thrill of your early career when you were writing for Chartered Surveyor Weekly?

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It's more fun doing broadcasting. You never know what you're going to end up doing.

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When someone like you or John Simpson, I often wonder, when you go on holiday

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and turn up in the town, do people get worried?

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They probably would with John Simpson. They always did with Kate Adie.

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-When she went somewhere they knew it was serious.

-Get your stuff in a wheel barrow and get out of here.

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It's the Arab Spring, which, now it's reached Libya, has found its first cuckoo.

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The defection of Libya's foreign minister divided the British Cabinet.

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Some ministers thought Moussa Koussa was a useful ally.

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Some thought he was a terrorist sympathiser

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and Eric Pickles thought Moussa Koussa was a chickpea starter.

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The balance of power is constantly shifting,

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which has been particularly traumatic for the people of Brega,

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currently in the rebels' hands, or if you're watching the repeat, Gaddafi's hands.

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Or if you're watching in a couple of years time on Dave, in Al-Qaeda's hands.

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LAUGHTER

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Paul and Jon, have a look at this.

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That's Eton schoolboys presumably. That's where the poor people live with outside facilities.

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Oh, Nick Clegg looking at a space ship in miniature and,

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what a boring piece of footage, that happened at 2.30pm.

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-That's Edward. Is it about meritocracy stuff.

-Very close.

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About Nick Clegg saying that the fathers shouldn't give their sons opportunities in business.

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But you can't stop that. That's what people do.

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They want to look after their kids.

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They want them to go to the best schools. They want them to have the best jobs. You can't stop that.

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-Let's move on then.

-That was somebody supporting Nick Clegg. That was a TV first.

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He only got his job because of his job. And he got a free university degree.

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He's carrying on eliminating anything he had, in case someone steals the job he doesn't really deserve.

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He makes a big speech about we shouldn't have internships where your father gets you your first job.

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Nobody says, "Ah, Nick, how did you get your first job?"

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"Oh, my dad got it for me." You'd think he'd pay someone to do that.

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But he didn't, so he gave this hyped speech,

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and it turned out that not only his first job he got because his dad recommended him to a Finnish bank...

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-Do you remember the name of it?

-FinBank.

-It was called:

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LAUGHTER

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It's the bank that likes to say, "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy."

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Perhaps some of us round the table are guilty.

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-Didn't you get the job because your uncle is Lord Fauntleroy.

-Damn.

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It happens in every class. I told my dad I wanted to be an astronaut.

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He said there's a bloke down the road with a goldfish bowl and a bicycle pump.

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-Before you knew it I was on the moon.

-They're trying to stop parents helping their children.

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Yes, and they're trying to stop people like themselves getting in Government, which is not a bad thing.

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-Who did David Willetts say were primarily responsible for damaging social mobility?

-Women.

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-Yes.

-What all of them?

-Specifically educated middle class women...

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Like Caroline, taking away jobs from men.

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But it was specifically working class men, wasn't it?

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Discouraging young working class men like, Jon here,

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from going to university because you took their places.

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Eee, bugger.

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So shall we talk about Andrew Lansley, you must be feeling sorry for him, Paul.

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I have no idea what's going on, I haven't been in the country for three weeks.

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He's Health Minister. He's had a bad week because his reforms have run into a few problems.

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He had to stand up in the House of Commons and say,

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"These reforms that I've been pushing through, we're going to have a pause."

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A natural pause, like when someone dies on the operating table.

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It's a natural pause in the operation and it's dead.

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Everyone has objected to these reforms.

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He's been working on the NHS reforms for seven years...

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LAUGHTER

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Is he thick or something? Seven years to get the wrong answer.

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Jon, you're probably more aware of this than some of us, MC Rapper of next generation.

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MC Rapper, straight to the nub there with his name.

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I find I call myself Snoop Dogg, they think I'm a dog.

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If I call myself MC Rapper they know I'm a rapper, you see.

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# Andrew Lansley, greedy Andrew Lansley, tosser

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# The NHS is not for sale You great manky codger... #

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APPLAUSE

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Good point about the PCTs,

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he's left out the health authorities though, hasn't he?

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And the purchase provider thing I don't think comes over.

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This is Nick Clegg's social mobility drive.

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George Osborne is the son of a Baronet who co-founded the upmarket wallpaper company:

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Also the answer to the questions, "Who is the Chancellor and what does he know about the economy?"

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The social mobility campaign is based on the belief that you shouldn't get a job

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just because of who your dad is. Another blow to Saif Gaddafi.

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Even some Tories had doubts about the reforms.

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The front page of Monday's Independent showed William Hague's reaction.

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And so to round two, a new idea from the props department.

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-We have got a props department?

-We have.

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For the last time, it's the strength-o-meter of news. Fingers on buzzers.

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I'll get my... Fingers on buzzers teams, here's the first one.

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BUZZER

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-Paul and Jon.

-This is one story I have seen.

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Mohamed Al Fayed has erected a statue of Michael Jackson outside,

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statue is the important part of that sentence, outside Craven Cottage, which is a fitting tribute.

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They play in black and white and Michael Jackson

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has been both in his lifetime. I couldn't think of a better place.

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Correct, Mohamed Al Fayed's £100,000 tribute to well known football fan, Michael Jackson.

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They've got quotes on the plinth from Steven Spielberg, Beyonce, Paul McCartney,

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and Fulham midfielder, Dixon Etuhu.

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He visited Fulham once. They should have a statue of Johnny Haynes.

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-They have got one.

-Where's that?

-Next to the Jackson one.

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I imagine at night it's like Night At The Museum and they come alive.

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"I was the first player to earn £100 a week you know." "Eee-hee!"

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Some quotes from the fans. One said:

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Don't know what he meant about the statue.

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Another one said:

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A third fan summed it up by saying:

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What did Mohamed Al Fayed say?

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Football fans love it. You know, if some stupid fans don't understand,

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appreciate such a gift this guy give to the world, you know,

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they can just go to hell.

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Matt Blank, the spokesman for the Michael Jackson World Network fan club wasn't impressed. He said:

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Defending the statue, Al Fayed

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said Michael Jackson loved Fulham Football Club adding:

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Fingers on buzzers. Here is the next one.

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-BUZZER

-Yes, Paul and John.

-This is a badger.

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Some of police force somewhere has been attributing burglaries to badgers. Yes? Completely right.

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Broken twigs in the forest. Badgers are going on a criminal spree.

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While you are watching them in the front garden, his mate is in the back garden nicking your car.

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They cannot afford to investigate crime, so they invent spurious things. "Bloody badgers!"

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-Is there any evidence against the badgers?

-No.

-Any confessions?

-They are clearly dressed like criminals.

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They do not know how to wear the mask. Stupid animals.

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There is a meerkat selling dodgy insurance round the back.

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Not dodgy, in case that that represents any company.

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I am sure as insurers they are as reputable as any. If that helps.

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The reason they are blaming the badgers is that it helps crime statistics look better.

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Instead of a shed being broken into, they can say it was a badger.

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In unrelated animal news, why has Luna the German cow been in the papers?

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-It jumps like a horse.

-It doesn't really jump. I've seen it.

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Look at this. I have bet on worse horses than this.

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That is not to jump. That is a push.

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CHEER

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This is the news that police are reclassifying crimes to keep numbers down.

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As a result, Crimewatch will now be merged with Badgerwatch, making just the one unwatchable programme.

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Time for the odd one out round.

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Ian and Caroline, your four are Nick Clegg, Wayne Rooney, Oliver Letwin

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and City boys Harry Fildes and Sebastien Marsh.

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I think this is about people being caught saying things they didn't mean to be heard.

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Those two city boys did an e-mail.

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They did, about one of them who had a girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, and his friend sent an e-mail and said,

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"Would you mind if I had a go?" His friend wrote back and said, "Feel free, but she is a bit difficult."

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Unfortunately, he copied in his ex-girlfriend and the e-mail went to his friend,

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who sent it to everyone he knew and they sent it to everyone they knew.

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It was quite friendly. The tone was,

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"I don't want to offend you, but can I bang your ex-Mrs?"

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To which the other one replied:

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The other one replied saying:

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One more e-mail says:

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With these stories, it is like when a footballer gets caught doing something and you know

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there is stuff they have done before. When one conversation like that gets to the papers,

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there are millions of people who talk like that and no one ever finds out.

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There are people you have sat next to, people you work with, who are actually despicable bastards.

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I would go along with that.

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LAUGHTER

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OK, so Oliver Letwin made a remark overheard by Boris Johnson.

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He said, "We don't want any more people from Sheffield going on holiday"

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-Why doesn't he want people from Sheffield going on holiday?

-It is something to do with airports,

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and Boris said, this is what he said,

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which is not very loyal.

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It is quite something to out-gaffe Boris. Maybe that was why he was upset.

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Nick Clegg had a microphone problem and he said to David Cameron,

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"There is nothing we disagree on, we will have to think of something."

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I think we have footage.

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I am sure there will be television debates. We hope they will be better natured between the two of us.

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Thank you. You have been a fantastic audience.

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If we keep doing this, we won't find anything to bloody disagree on in the bloody TV debates.

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Caroline, do you think we should go to war against the Liberal Democrats?

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-Or is that too harsh?

-Too harsh.

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That is to Sarah Palin thinks she is going to war with. The Libyan Democrats!

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Don't tell me you have lost your little something for her,

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the twinkle in your eye whenever Sarah Palin was mentioned, there something in your heart that said,

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"Sarah, Sarah."

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Just because I do not agree with all of her views, does not mean I have written her off as a woman.

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What about Wayne Rooney?

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He is the odd one out because everybody else did not mean what they were saying to be heard,

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-but he did mean it to be heard.

-We cannot show the footage but we have a picture.

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LAUGHTER

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He is full of anger, isn't he? I keep reading he is very angry and

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he gets more angry the more goals he gets.

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Maybe football isn't the game for him after all.

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-He did issue an apology. Anybody know what he said?

-Sorry?

0:21:150:21:20

He said:

0:21:200:21:21

He does a lot of reflecting after the game, Wayne.

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So they have all been in trouble for remarks made in private,

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apart from Wayne Rooney who is in trouble for remarks he made to camera.

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The Independent claimed Rooney was responding to people chanting:

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Although how he could hear Colleen above all of those West Ham fans is beyond me.

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-Paul and John, Charlie Chaplin...

-Never heard of him.

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A goldfish in Stockport, Baroness Warsi, and a house in Swansea.

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The only one that has been in the news is the one that looks like Hitler.

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There is a house that looks like Hitler?

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Hitler has only got one hall.

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There is a house with a porch and a sloped roof that looks a bit...

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Yeah, Nuremburg Rallies when he had some guttering around his head.

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Charlie Chaplin had a moustache which was later appropriated by Hitler.

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Does the goldfish or Baroness Warsi have a Hitler moustache?

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-There is a fish that looks a bit like Hitler, too.

-That lets us off, then.

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What's her name is the odd one out because she does not look like Hitler

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and has never been compared to Hitler.

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They have all been likened to Hitler, apart from Baroness Warsi who was likened to Goebbels,

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after claiming in an article in the Sun last week

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that the alternative vote system would give more power to extremist parties.

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I now have to show you a picture of the house that looks like Hitler.

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-Yeah, sort of.

-He wants to get rid of the pole in front of it, by the way!

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LAUGHTER

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The goldfish in Stockport has been likened to Hitler.

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-It is a cross between Hitler and Roy Orbison.

-His name is Adolfish.

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This allowed the Sun to dust of pictures from a website:

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This is a picture of Mein furrer.

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That is fantastic. It is more sinister than Hitler.

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I would rather have Hitler on my lap.

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Well, you know your own business best!

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Time for the missing words round, which features the Daily Sport,

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to mark its sad demise.

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The paper that brought you headlines such as:

0:24:090:24:12

And followed it with:

0:24:140:24:16

We start with this.

0:24:190:24:20

Ann Robinson punch-a-thon.

0:24:240:24:27

JON: Train to London.

0:24:270:24:29

No, the answer is:

0:24:320:24:33

This was at the opening of a Krispy Kreme store,

0:24:370:24:40

which incidentally is Cardiff's first health food shop.

0:24:400:24:44

By the way, don't be embarrassed, Wales, people queue in London, too.

0:24:460:24:50

Admittedly we get an iPad at the end of it.

0:24:500:24:52

Next:

0:24:520:24:54

Liberal Democrat.

0:24:570:24:59

-I think I remember this, was it an olive?

-No, the answer is:

0:24:590:25:02

I am surprised you did not get that. This is a classic Daily Sport headline.

0:25:060:25:10

You may well laugh, but it is true. Look at this genuine documentary about the Daily Sport.

0:25:100:25:16

-Can you describe it?

-Like a space ship. I was looking up to it.

0:25:160:25:21

-I have gone to approach my son, when the smoke has come.

-Where from, the bottom of the spacecraft?

0:25:210:25:29

Yes. I was frightened to approach him because I was frightened as well.

0:25:290:25:37

I have gone to get him and a gust of smoke's come,

0:25:370:25:41

and he just disappeared.

0:25:410:25:42

All I was left with was a fish finger.

0:25:420:25:46

It is something to remember him by!

0:25:520:25:54

She might never Findus, I mean, find him. Next:

0:25:540:25:59

JON: Worst series of Big Brother ever.

0:26:030:26:05

Evicted after the corpse of Colonel Sanders is found in the basement of a derelict house.

0:26:050:26:10

The answer is:

0:26:100:26:13

Naturally, it was the lead story on Fox News! As they were rounded up, one chicken said,

0:26:180:26:25

"All right, it is a fair cop,

0:26:250:26:27

"but it was the badgers what done the sheds."

0:26:270:26:31

That could have been a fair coupe!

0:26:310:26:33

See, when you do a pun everyone applauds!

0:26:330:26:38

Mine have not been sweated over for three days!

0:26:380:26:41

LAUGHTER

0:26:410:26:43

In San Francisco, says songwriter's first attempt at the hit record.

0:26:480:26:52

Gail Roberts said:

0:27:020:27:04

Please, fat people of Britain, check your folds for missing rodents.

0:27:130:27:18

The final scores, Ian and Caroline have eight, Paul and Jon have nine.

0:27:200:27:25

APPLAUSE

0:27:250:27:28

And I'll leave you with news that in Milan, as the under age sex scandal

0:27:320:27:35

threatens to bring down the presidency, Silvio Berlusconi's lawyer arrives at court.

0:27:350:27:40

In Los Angeles, two passers-by emerge from beneath Charlie Sheen's balcony

0:27:440:27:48

after the drug squad rings the doorbell.

0:27:480:27:50

And outside Benghazi, a Libyan rebel follows the only instructions

0:27:550:27:58

provided with a British-made rocket launcher.

0:27:580:28:04

Goodnight.

0:28:040:28:06

APPLAUSE

0:28:060:28:07

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:110:28:16

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:160:28:21