Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jack Dee.

In the news this week:

On the outskirts of Tripoli, as rebel forces close in,

Colonel Gaddafi makes a desperate bid for freedom.

LAUGHTER

After his NHS reforms begin to damage the Government's popularity,

Andrew Lansley wakes to find a dog turd on his doormat.

LAUGHTER

And there's a surprise in the cupboard for the new tenant renting Russell Brand's old flat.

LAUGHTER

On Ian Hislop's team, is the BBC's defence correspondent who, reporting from Iraq, said,

"I've been in the desert for days and I can tell you, it's very sandy here."

Still people question the value of News 24. Please welcome Caroline Wyatt.

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And with Paul Merton tonight is a comedian who famously suffers from OCD.

It's the third time he's been on the show, but who's counting?

Well, he is. It's an odd number, that's why he's sweating. Welcome Jon Richardson.

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We start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Caroline, here's yours.

CAROLINE: This is Colonel Gaddafi, dictator who is defiant, as all dictators are.

There are the rebels, they seem to be fighting. Moussa Koussa,

he defected saying to Colonel Gaddafi he was popping out to the doctors.

And Saif being liberated by John Simpson.

That's Obama providing light sabres to the rebels.

LAUGHTER

This is your patch, what's happening?

They're still fighting on the ground. The rebels are in a bit of a stalemate.

-Who's the man who defected?

-Moussa Koussa, very smooth talking foreign minister,

but has also been what the papers call his fingernail puller in chief.

He's defected in order to get away.

-Yes. Wouldn't you?

-I suppose that's reasonable.

How's Obama describe the US involvement in Libya?

-He's gone over to complain about the noise.

-Yeah. He's described it as:

JON: Are you sure this isn't Charlie Sheen?

And then behind-the-scenes he referred to the Libya situation as:

Did they cut the crusts off?

You'd want a baguette really with a turd, wouldn't you?

LAUGHTER

Did anyone see Sarah Palin's reaction on Fox News? She came out with a new word for the whole thing.

Another big question that has to be asked is "Are we at war?"

I haven't heard the president say we are at war.

That's why I, too, am not knowing do we use the term intervention,

do we use "war", do we use squirmish, what is it?

LAUGHTER

That is quite brilliant. That is the American reaction.

It's a squirmish. They're desperate not to be involved but they sort of are.

You can tell the way she talks that literally every word she doesn't know what the next one will be.

Is it a "squirmish", in your opinion?

I think it's a major squirmish, as squirmishs go.

How long will we be there?

People are hoping it will be relatively short and that Gaddafi will go away.

How come we managed to sack half the Armed Forces on the same day we went into Libya?

-The MoD tries to do things right.

-Does it?

You try to get value for money.

You know the MoD eBay, you know eDisposal.

-You can buy the kit they're trying to flog.

-Everything?

-Ark Royal is there.

-Ark Royal is on eBay?

-EDisposal.

-If you click it says "add to cart".

-Is there a price?

-No, no price.

So you bid, in the last ten minutes, do you think I'll get it for ten quid?

I love the idea of just you and Colonel Gaddafi locked on eBay.

LAUGHTER

What is the reaction been to America removing its jets from the NATO action?

People are disappointed. It means we have to fill the hole.

Did you hear what Lynsey Graham the Republican senator said?

And the rebels have another secret weapon, as described here by this fighter.

We have our GPSs, we have our maps. We have Google Earth.

And I'm a computer engineer and there are many telecommunications engineers.

-You're fighting with Google Earth?

-Why not?

They don't lack a certain bravery.

Caroline, I was wondering, you have covered war in Afghanistan

and reported on the Kosovo conflict and been embedded in Basra...

LAUGHTER

Sorry. Do you... Do you...

LAUGHTER

Do you ever miss the thrill of your early career when you were writing for Chartered Surveyor Weekly?

It's more fun doing broadcasting. You never know what you're going to end up doing.

When someone like you or John Simpson, I often wonder, when you go on holiday

and turn up in the town, do people get worried?

They probably would with John Simpson. They always did with Kate Adie.

-When she went somewhere they knew it was serious.

-Get your stuff in a wheel barrow and get out of here.

It's the Arab Spring, which, now it's reached Libya, has found its first cuckoo.

The defection of Libya's foreign minister divided the British Cabinet.

Some ministers thought Moussa Koussa was a useful ally.

Some thought he was a terrorist sympathiser

and Eric Pickles thought Moussa Koussa was a chickpea starter.

The balance of power is constantly shifting,

which has been particularly traumatic for the people of Brega,

currently in the rebels' hands, or if you're watching the repeat, Gaddafi's hands.

Or if you're watching in a couple of years time on Dave, in Al-Qaeda's hands.

LAUGHTER

Paul and Jon, have a look at this.

That's Eton schoolboys presumably. That's where the poor people live with outside facilities.

Oh, Nick Clegg looking at a space ship in miniature and,

what a boring piece of footage, that happened at 2.30pm.

-That's Edward. Is it about meritocracy stuff.

-Very close.

About Nick Clegg saying that the fathers shouldn't give their sons opportunities in business.

But you can't stop that. That's what people do.

They want to look after their kids.

They want them to go to the best schools. They want them to have the best jobs. You can't stop that.

-Let's move on then.

-That was somebody supporting Nick Clegg. That was a TV first.

He only got his job because of his job. And he got a free university degree.

He's carrying on eliminating anything he had, in case someone steals the job he doesn't really deserve.

He makes a big speech about we shouldn't have internships where your father gets you your first job.

Nobody says, "Ah, Nick, how did you get your first job?"

"Oh, my dad got it for me." You'd think he'd pay someone to do that.

But he didn't, so he gave this hyped speech,

and it turned out that not only his first job he got because his dad recommended him to a Finnish bank...

-Do you remember the name of it?

-FinBank.

-It was called:

LAUGHTER

It's the bank that likes to say, "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy."

Perhaps some of us round the table are guilty.

-Didn't you get the job because your uncle is Lord Fauntleroy.

-Damn.

It happens in every class. I told my dad I wanted to be an astronaut.

He said there's a bloke down the road with a goldfish bowl and a bicycle pump.

-Before you knew it I was on the moon.

-They're trying to stop parents helping their children.

Yes, and they're trying to stop people like themselves getting in Government, which is not a bad thing.

-Who did David Willetts say were primarily responsible for damaging social mobility?

-Women.

-Yes.

-What all of them?

-Specifically educated middle class women...

Like Caroline, taking away jobs from men.

But it was specifically working class men, wasn't it?

Discouraging young working class men like, Jon here,

from going to university because you took their places.

Eee, bugger.

So shall we talk about Andrew Lansley, you must be feeling sorry for him, Paul.

I have no idea what's going on, I haven't been in the country for three weeks.

He's Health Minister. He's had a bad week because his reforms have run into a few problems.

He had to stand up in the House of Commons and say,

"These reforms that I've been pushing through, we're going to have a pause."

A natural pause, like when someone dies on the operating table.

It's a natural pause in the operation and it's dead.

Everyone has objected to these reforms.

He's been working on the NHS reforms for seven years...

LAUGHTER

Is he thick or something? Seven years to get the wrong answer.

Jon, you're probably more aware of this than some of us, MC Rapper of next generation.

MC Rapper, straight to the nub there with his name.

I find I call myself Snoop Dogg, they think I'm a dog.

If I call myself MC Rapper they know I'm a rapper, you see.

# Andrew Lansley, greedy Andrew Lansley, tosser

# The NHS is not for sale You great manky codger... #

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Good point about the PCTs,

he's left out the health authorities though, hasn't he?

And the purchase provider thing I don't think comes over.

This is Nick Clegg's social mobility drive.

George Osborne is the son of a Baronet who co-founded the upmarket wallpaper company:

Also the answer to the questions, "Who is the Chancellor and what does he know about the economy?"

The social mobility campaign is based on the belief that you shouldn't get a job

just because of who your dad is. Another blow to Saif Gaddafi.

Even some Tories had doubts about the reforms.

The front page of Monday's Independent showed William Hague's reaction.

And so to round two, a new idea from the props department.

-We have got a props department?

-We have.

For the last time, it's the strength-o-meter of news. Fingers on buzzers.

I'll get my... Fingers on buzzers teams, here's the first one.

BUZZER

-Paul and Jon.

-This is one story I have seen.

Mohamed Al Fayed has erected a statue of Michael Jackson outside,

statue is the important part of that sentence, outside Craven Cottage, which is a fitting tribute.

They play in black and white and Michael Jackson

has been both in his lifetime. I couldn't think of a better place.

Correct, Mohamed Al Fayed's £100,000 tribute to well known football fan, Michael Jackson.

They've got quotes on the plinth from Steven Spielberg, Beyonce, Paul McCartney,

and Fulham midfielder, Dixon Etuhu.

He visited Fulham once. They should have a statue of Johnny Haynes.

-They have got one.

-Where's that?

-Next to the Jackson one.

I imagine at night it's like Night At The Museum and they come alive.

"I was the first player to earn £100 a week you know." "Eee-hee!"

Some quotes from the fans. One said:

Don't know what he meant about the statue.

Another one said:

A third fan summed it up by saying:

What did Mohamed Al Fayed say?

Football fans love it. You know, if some stupid fans don't understand,

appreciate such a gift this guy give to the world, you know,

they can just go to hell.

Matt Blank, the spokesman for the Michael Jackson World Network fan club wasn't impressed. He said:

Defending the statue, Al Fayed

said Michael Jackson loved Fulham Football Club adding:

Fingers on buzzers. Here is the next one.

-BUZZER

-Yes, Paul and John.

-This is a badger.

Some of police force somewhere has been attributing burglaries to badgers. Yes? Completely right.

Broken twigs in the forest. Badgers are going on a criminal spree.

While you are watching them in the front garden, his mate is in the back garden nicking your car.

They cannot afford to investigate crime, so they invent spurious things. "Bloody badgers!"

-Is there any evidence against the badgers?

-No.

-Any confessions?

-They are clearly dressed like criminals.

They do not know how to wear the mask. Stupid animals.

There is a meerkat selling dodgy insurance round the back.

Not dodgy, in case that that represents any company.

I am sure as insurers they are as reputable as any. If that helps.

The reason they are blaming the badgers is that it helps crime statistics look better.

Instead of a shed being broken into, they can say it was a badger.

In unrelated animal news, why has Luna the German cow been in the papers?

-It jumps like a horse.

-It doesn't really jump. I've seen it.

Look at this. I have bet on worse horses than this.

That is not to jump. That is a push.

CHEER

This is the news that police are reclassifying crimes to keep numbers down.

As a result, Crimewatch will now be merged with Badgerwatch, making just the one unwatchable programme.

Time for the odd one out round.

Ian and Caroline, your four are Nick Clegg, Wayne Rooney, Oliver Letwin

and City boys Harry Fildes and Sebastien Marsh.

I think this is about people being caught saying things they didn't mean to be heard.

Those two city boys did an e-mail.

They did, about one of them who had a girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, and his friend sent an e-mail and said,

"Would you mind if I had a go?" His friend wrote back and said, "Feel free, but she is a bit difficult."

Unfortunately, he copied in his ex-girlfriend and the e-mail went to his friend,

who sent it to everyone he knew and they sent it to everyone they knew.

It was quite friendly. The tone was,

"I don't want to offend you, but can I bang your ex-Mrs?"

To which the other one replied:

The other one replied saying:

One more e-mail says:

With these stories, it is like when a footballer gets caught doing something and you know

there is stuff they have done before. When one conversation like that gets to the papers,

there are millions of people who talk like that and no one ever finds out.

There are people you have sat next to, people you work with, who are actually despicable bastards.

I would go along with that.

LAUGHTER

OK, so Oliver Letwin made a remark overheard by Boris Johnson.

He said, "We don't want any more people from Sheffield going on holiday"

-Why doesn't he want people from Sheffield going on holiday?

-It is something to do with airports,

and Boris said, this is what he said,

which is not very loyal.

It is quite something to out-gaffe Boris. Maybe that was why he was upset.

Nick Clegg had a microphone problem and he said to David Cameron,

"There is nothing we disagree on, we will have to think of something."

I think we have footage.

I am sure there will be television debates. We hope they will be better natured between the two of us.

Thank you. You have been a fantastic audience.

If we keep doing this, we won't find anything to bloody disagree on in the bloody TV debates.

Caroline, do you think we should go to war against the Liberal Democrats?

-Or is that too harsh?

-Too harsh.

That is to Sarah Palin thinks she is going to war with. The Libyan Democrats!

Don't tell me you have lost your little something for her,

the twinkle in your eye whenever Sarah Palin was mentioned, there something in your heart that said,

"Sarah, Sarah."

Just because I do not agree with all of her views, does not mean I have written her off as a woman.

What about Wayne Rooney?

He is the odd one out because everybody else did not mean what they were saying to be heard,

-but he did mean it to be heard.

-We cannot show the footage but we have a picture.

LAUGHTER

He is full of anger, isn't he? I keep reading he is very angry and

he gets more angry the more goals he gets.

Maybe football isn't the game for him after all.

-He did issue an apology. Anybody know what he said?

-Sorry?

He said:

He does a lot of reflecting after the game, Wayne.

So they have all been in trouble for remarks made in private,

apart from Wayne Rooney who is in trouble for remarks he made to camera.

The Independent claimed Rooney was responding to people chanting:

Although how he could hear Colleen above all of those West Ham fans is beyond me.

-Paul and John, Charlie Chaplin...

-Never heard of him.

A goldfish in Stockport, Baroness Warsi, and a house in Swansea.

The only one that has been in the news is the one that looks like Hitler.

There is a house that looks like Hitler?

Hitler has only got one hall.

There is a house with a porch and a sloped roof that looks a bit...

Yeah, Nuremburg Rallies when he had some guttering around his head.

Charlie Chaplin had a moustache which was later appropriated by Hitler.

Does the goldfish or Baroness Warsi have a Hitler moustache?

-There is a fish that looks a bit like Hitler, too.

-That lets us off, then.

What's her name is the odd one out because she does not look like Hitler

and has never been compared to Hitler.

They have all been likened to Hitler, apart from Baroness Warsi who was likened to Goebbels,

after claiming in an article in the Sun last week

that the alternative vote system would give more power to extremist parties.

I now have to show you a picture of the house that looks like Hitler.

-Yeah, sort of.

-He wants to get rid of the pole in front of it, by the way!

LAUGHTER

The goldfish in Stockport has been likened to Hitler.

-It is a cross between Hitler and Roy Orbison.

-His name is Adolfish.

This allowed the Sun to dust of pictures from a website:

This is a picture of Mein furrer.

That is fantastic. It is more sinister than Hitler.

I would rather have Hitler on my lap.

Well, you know your own business best!

Time for the missing words round, which features the Daily Sport,

to mark its sad demise.

The paper that brought you headlines such as:

And followed it with:

We start with this.

Ann Robinson punch-a-thon.

JON: Train to London.

No, the answer is:

This was at the opening of a Krispy Kreme store,

which incidentally is Cardiff's first health food shop.

By the way, don't be embarrassed, Wales, people queue in London, too.

Admittedly we get an iPad at the end of it.

Next:

Liberal Democrat.

-I think I remember this, was it an olive?

-No, the answer is:

I am surprised you did not get that. This is a classic Daily Sport headline.

You may well laugh, but it is true. Look at this genuine documentary about the Daily Sport.

-Can you describe it?

-Like a space ship. I was looking up to it.

-I have gone to approach my son, when the smoke has come.

-Where from, the bottom of the spacecraft?

Yes. I was frightened to approach him because I was frightened as well.

I have gone to get him and a gust of smoke's come,

and he just disappeared.

All I was left with was a fish finger.

It is something to remember him by!

She might never Findus, I mean, find him. Next:

JON: Worst series of Big Brother ever.

Evicted after the corpse of Colonel Sanders is found in the basement of a derelict house.

The answer is:

Naturally, it was the lead story on Fox News! As they were rounded up, one chicken said,

"All right, it is a fair cop,

"but it was the badgers what done the sheds."

That could have been a fair coupe!

See, when you do a pun everyone applauds!

Mine have not been sweated over for three days!

LAUGHTER

In San Francisco, says songwriter's first attempt at the hit record.

Gail Roberts said:

Please, fat people of Britain, check your folds for missing rodents.

The final scores, Ian and Caroline have eight, Paul and Jon have nine.

APPLAUSE

And I'll leave you with news that in Milan, as the under age sex scandal

threatens to bring down the presidency, Silvio Berlusconi's lawyer arrives at court.

In Los Angeles, two passers-by emerge from beneath Charlie Sheen's balcony

after the drug squad rings the doorbell.

And outside Benghazi, a Libyan rebel follows the only instructions

provided with a British-made rocket launcher.

Goodnight.

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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