Episode 7 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Bill Bailey.

In the news this week...

In Clydebank there's a slightly embarrassing BBC report

on the Navy submarine with only one toilet.

NO AUDIO ON TAPE

And at a Paris fashion show

an open window causes a slight breeze.

Whoops!

She's fine! Wa-hey!

I'm fine!

On Ian's team tonight is a young man who took a gap year from university to pursue comedy.

Time's up! So...

-Please welcome Jack Whitehall.

-APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight

is a satirist who has never touched drugs

because he doesn't want to be out of control mentally.

It's all right - I wouldn't drive a tractor, though.

-Please welcome Armando Iannucci.

-APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Jack, take a look at this.

That's a funeral. Oh, no, it isn't. Sorry.

The Queen thinking, "Please don't talk to my husband."

Um...

Oh, it's a barbecue.

The guys are doing the barbecue - that's heart-warming, isn't it?

Oh, they're going to grill Nick Clegg.

He's allowed to talk to "O-barmy". "Shut up, you've had five minutes."

This is what happens when an Etonian meets a black man for the first time.

-That's a high five, is it?

-Yeah.

He's never been high-fived in his life.

He thought it was a vertical handshake, so he's like...

and then kind of held his hand and...

Obama was, "Get off! Get off!"

-It was quite unpleasant.

-But special.

Oh, well, no...

-It proves we're special.

-It's a special...a special relationship.

-Is it special or is it essential?

-That's a very good point.

-"Special" has been supplanted by "essential".

-Yes.

-There we go.

-There's the word, in case anybody doesn't know

what the word "essential" looks like,

somebody's taken a photograph of it for you and put it on the screen.

Do they have to use quotes around it - "essential" relationship?

-On the grounds that it's not true.

-It's not true.

-It is for us.

-The quotes are made by impoverished children who don't get paid the full rate.

-Is that right?

-Yep.

-Is it like Primark?

-Exactly the same.

Before this historic visit,

Obama's security guards did something in the Belgian Suite at the palace.

Did they take a shit in it? What...?

-That's not what I've got on the card.

-Oh, right.

What they did was,

they had to install bomb- and bulletproof windows into the Belgian Suite.

And another security precaution was the huge

18-foot armour-plated limo.

-Yeah, called "The Beast".

-The Beast. The Beast was finally brought to a halt.

-Is this in Ireland, where it got caught on a sleeping policeman?

-Yes.

-Had he been drinking?

-It was... Yes.

It got beached on a speed bump.

We can see the actual incident here.

REPORTER: 'Alarm bells might have rung

'when the car in front just scraped over.

'But no.'

CHEERING

'18 feet long and eight tonnes in weight it may be

'but the modest ramp at the gate of the US embassy left it stranded.'

You'd think the police, having spent billions of pounds in security,

would have thought, "Does this vehicle go over a speed bump?"

No.

What was Barack Obama only the third American President to receive

at the start of his visit?

A DVD of Downton Abbey.

-It's a historic gift now.

-Yes.

-It's one of those typical pomp and circumstance things.

-A pat down.

-A pat down?

A pat down at the airport, to check he's not carrying anything illegal.

People have been getting complacent now Osama Bin Laden's died.

They've thought, "I'm going to start taking liquids back on now."

-War on terror won, back to the war on dry skin.

-Yeah.

Is it an "I killed Bin Laden" T-shirt?

"My husband went to London and all he came back with was a special relationship"?

-It's a 41-gun salute.

-Oh, yes!

-That's what he received.

-It's a misprint from the Queen Mother's days.

It used to be a 41-gin salute.

What, fired into her mouth?!

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

They used to fire ice cubes from those big cannons.

What is the most rounds fired in a single salute?

I'll tell you.

-It's 124.

-Really? Who got that?

Well, this happens on a special occasion

when the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh

do something together.

-It's something to do with the date.

-Oh, when they role-play? If they had a role play date.

-What?

-It's a very popular thing

with couples that've been together for ages.

-You do a thing where you have a role play date.

-So she comes in with a Hoover or something

-and he's going, "Hoover it up, you bitch," or something.

-Yeah.

-Philip pretends to be head of the IMF? That sort of thing.

-Yeah.

What it is, is when the Duke of Edinburgh's birthday

falls on the same day as the Queen's official birthday.

Occasionally it happens and 124 rounds are fired.

During a ceremonial welcome in the Palace garden,

what was the problem with Princes Charles' hair

and Michelle Obama's skirt?

Both were paying a tribute to Bob Dylan and were blowin' in the wind.

Exactly right. There was a very strong wind, caused a bit of havoc. Let's have a look at what happened.

I could watch that clip on a continuous loop

over and over again.

Mother Nature's made them look silly there.

It played a lot of havoc,

particularly with Michelle Obama's hair,

here she is, a little later in the day.

JACK: Why does Prince Philip, in every photograph with the Obamas,

look like he's just thought of the most inappropriate joke?

-My friend met him in Dublin when they went over for their state visit.

-Yes.

-He's at Trinity, Dublin.

He's English and Prince Philip, in front of loads of Irish people, came up to him and said,

"You don't speak like one of the natives. Good, good."

I saw him, he was talking about the time he met Sir Peter Scott

when they were founding the Wildfowl And Wetlands Trust

and he said, "Yes, we founded the Wildfowl Trust over a lunch.

"Ah, duck, I think it was."

Who interrupted President

as he was proposing a toast to the Queen?

-The musicians.

-Yep.

-They thought...

He finished his speech, he reached for his glass,

he was about to say, "Her Majesty The Queen,"

-he got halfway and the band started playing God Save The Queen. Have we got a clip?

-Yes.

BARACK OBAMA: To Her Majesty, The Queen,

the vitality of the special relationship...

MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" ..between our peoples.

And in the words of Shakespeare,

"To this blessed plot,

"this earth, this realm,

"this England."

To the Queen.

LAUGHTER

-PAUL:

-She's looked at him and said, "You've ruined my tune."

"I like this one!"

"Not yet!"

And to symbolise the common bond between Britain and America,

what did David Cameron and President Obama choose as a photo opportunity?

-ALL: A Barbecue.

-Yes.

And the BBC News broke this in a very exciting way.

What I love about the barbecue is

Obama and Cameron, sleeves rolled up.

They were there, the men cooking the meat

and you knew that Clegg was on salad duty somewhere. Desperate...

"Can I just do one sausage?" "Those buns won't cut themselves."

They thought he was doing the onions and then they realised he was just crying.

What do you think was the worst headline you could come up with to describe that scene?

The newspaper The Metro came up with it, but it is the worst headline.

-Imagine trying to...

-Something to do with grilling?

-Grilling.

Barmy-cue?

A Barmy-cue, that's good!

-Thank you very much!

-It's good, I like that. Barmy-cue.

It's worse than that.

You're right. This is the visit of Barack Obama.

The President and Prime Minister

hosted a barbecue in the garden of Number Ten.

They had to lay on extra security, partly because of threats,

mainly to stop Eric Pickles coming back for seconds.

The President's £189,000 is nicknamed The Beast,

presumably after the head of the IMF.

LAUGHTER

Obama and Cameron's game of Ping-Pong

at a South London school provided a bit of light relief,

though the mood suddenly darkened when the scorer shouted out "9-11!"

Paul and Armando, here's yours.

We don't know who that is.

Do we legally know who that is?

-Who is it?

-Is it Gordon Ramsay's dad?

LAUGHTER

Is it an actor? Oh, it's Ryan Giggs!

Yes, it's Ryan Giggs.

Ryan Giggs, yes.

Basically, Ryan Giggs has spent an awful lot of money

to ensure that he's become world-famous...

-LAUGHTER

-..for stuff other than football.

-Yeah.

-People still might be sued for telling people that it was him.

-That's right.

The MP John Hemming...

He said that apparently...

I mean, it's worth a go, though, innit?

LAUGHTER For charity.

The reason John Hemming the MP announced it in the House Of Commons...

He said that a columnist was about to be arrested for re-tweeting this, Giles Coren,

but you weren't allowed to mention who that was,

so someone would be arrested in this country for the first time,

and put in jail without you being allowed to know what they were in for or who they were.

And I think at that point he thought, "This is getting silly."

-So he blurted the name out.

-Hemming.

He has got a bit of form in this particular area.

According to his wife, he has had 26 affairs.

He has a complicated personal life,

and he's very controversial because he's a Lib Dem,

and all of the people he's had affairs with are women.

LAUGHTER

The only thing is, the injunction is still in place.

-That's right!

-Despite the people going blabbing it out.

There's a legal expert, Joshua Rozenberg, this is what he had to say about it.

Well, the law is clear.

There is still a court order in force which says that

-we can't name Ryan Giggs...

-SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

Doh!

I believe you can say his name though because I was getting so fed up,

every newspaper, every day, it was like, "Imogen Thomas has been having sexual liaisons

"with a man who cannot be named." I was like, "What? Voldemort?"

LAUGHTER I sort of see why he did it, Ryan Giggs,

cos he knows that if his identity was known, then people would know,

not only who he was, but also that his marriage was on the rocks,

and at that point, John Terry would be round his house...

LAUGHTER

..like a sex-crazed whippet.

APPLAUSE

And how did Mrs Giggs react when Giggs' name was released?

She presumably looked grim-faced as well.

According to the Daily Star...

LAUGHTER

Apparently Ann Widdecombe was in there for some reason.

LAUGHTER

People have been saying it's a conspiracy theory by Barcelona

and Spain to distract the Man Utd team from the Champions League final.

It would be brilliant if that's how football managers worked.

That on one side and on the other side of the pitch,

someone waving bubble wrap at Wayne Rooney. "Come on!"

LAUGHTER "Crackly paper. Fun, fun!"

Or pretend to throw a stick and not throw it.

And during all this, what was Imogen Thomas doing?

She was showing how sad and upset she was by posing in Man Utd strip in other papers.

-That's right.

-It didn't do her case a huge amount of good, to be honest.

According to Max Clifford though...

LAUGHTER

Apparently she told the Sun...

Oh, sorry, that's me!

LAUGHTER

Giggs' argument for this super injunction was that

she arranged to meet him with the knowledge that reporters

and photographers were all there

and she asked him for £50,000 and then asked for £100,000.

That's the thing about these super injunctions, you take it, as the rich, celebrity person,

you give your evidence, that's it. They award the injunction.

She may have been trying to blackmail him and if she was,

-she should be arrested for blackmail.

-Yeah.

Then you'd a criminal case, it would be sub judice, we couldn't talk about it

and justice would be seen to be done. But it wasn't.

It's just a judge saying, "It might have been blackmail."

Well, arrest her then!

-Yeah. Yes, exactly.

-And everyone else!

So which media outlet was the first to sail a bit close to the wind.

Was it a signer for the deaf on the real news?

Just quietly going like that.

HE LAUGHS

Giggs? Footballer?

Ssh!

No, it was actually the Today Programme, Steve Hewlett, he nearly blabbed it.

HEWLETT: 'Now, bring in Twitter.

'Question - once it's been on Twitter, is it in the public domain?

'Now what I think Ry... Oh! Excuse me.'

LAUGHTER

What I think Rff-fler-biya...

Yes, the worst kept secret in Britain is finally out -

lawyers are complete waste of money.

LAUGHTER

According to the Mirror...

Bit of a selection dilemma for Sir Alex, then.

LAUGHTER

As the row unfolded, thousands of Twitter users named Ryan Giggs

in what the Daily Mail called...

Top that Syria! Lightweights!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And so, the round two.

The strength-ometer of news.

Fingers on buzzers.

Oh, hello!

WHISTLING

BUZZER

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

This is the Nazi party, remember them?

Before the second world war, under Hitler, they believed they could teach dogs to talk.

-They could make spies of dogs...

-Yes.

Just drop dogs into... I don't know, the countryside of England in a hat and a pipe,

and, "Hello, I'm new in town, what's this? Any soldiers near here?" That sort of thing.

And then the dog would go back and report to the Nazis.

They had proper experiments to see if they could train dogs to talk.

-Exactly right.

-And they found if he did a Nazi salute

-and cocked his leg at the same time, he just fell over.

-They set up

The Animal Speech School at Hanover.

I don't know how scary that is, though.

Speaking dogs, not the scariest thing.

If a dog bites the arse out of your trousers and then says, "For you, the war is over,"

then that's something that sticks with you, it stays with you.

It affects your morale.

"What happened to you?" "I got arrested by a dog."

The star pupil apparently was Rolf, the Airedale terrier.

-He doesn't look that scary, to be honest.

-No.

And Rolf apparently would speak

by tapping his paw against a board

and each number of taps would be the letter

and he would spell out words.

They're looking for a new host of Countdown.

That's not really talking dog.

That's dog pointing at random letters.

-One of Rolf's contemporaries was Don, the German pointer...

-There's one!

Very easy job in Berlin in 1934.

He imitated the human voice.

The German for "Hungry! Give me cakes" is...

BILL SPEAKS GERMAN

That's Geordie!

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Give me a cake!

Speak like that, you get sacked from American X Factor.

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Cheryl Cole.

A new book claims that as a secret weapon,

the Nazis tried to train dogs to talk.

Hitler had two German shepherds called Blondi and Bella.

According to the Daily Mail...

Doesn't say what happened to Bella.

Presumably she managed to talk her way out of it.

He loved playing with Blondi and Bella in the park,

but sadly he only had one ball.

APPLAUSE

OK, here we go, fingers on buzzers.

WHISTLING

BOING

BUZZ

-This is a tiger. It was spotted by the police.

-Yes.

And they responsibly delegated about 200-300 officers...

-Yes.

-..and four helicopters and a number of Navy SEALs, erm...

-to kettle...

-LAUGHTER

..the tiger. They surrounded it and eventually they found out that it wasn't real.

-That's correct.

-It was a stuffed tiger, so they felt a bit silly.

-Yep.

In these austere times, they scrambled a helicopter

and apparently they used other hi-tech equipment. Somebody said...

It did get very bad, though, because at one point Paul Gascoigne turned up

-with a chicken and a fishing rod. GEORDIE ACCENT:

-That tiger's my mate!

The only realised it was stuffed when they did an autopsy on it.

This animal was killed by consuming too much foam rubber.

Actually, we've got some footage of the helicopter

with the thermal-imaging equipment which was deployed.

There we go.

NEWS REPORT: 'The helicopter moved in for a closer look

'with its thermal-imaging camera.

'At that point, reality began to dawn on all concerned.'

What about the visual-imaging device called the eye?

You can just look and say, "It doesn't move much.

-"Might be a toy."

-They tried that already. They said...

APPLAUSE

-It's a stand-off.

-Yes. Yeah.

Do you know how they actually finally established it wasn't a real tiger?

Did a five-year-old girl come over and pick it up?

That would have been great, but what actually happened

was that the helicopter with the thermal-imaging equipment landed

and the down draught from the blades flipped it over.

This is the escaped tiger in Hampshire, which turned out to be a stuffed toy.

After the initial sighting, a police officer was dispatched to investigate

and confirmed that there was indeed a tiger.

According to The Guardian, to avoid embarrassment...

I'm guessing it was Constable Giggs.

Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round and one between you this week.

An electric car,

Marcel Marceau,

a microwaveable curry from Tesco,

and Beware (The Funk Is Everywhere) by Afrika Bambaataa.

-BELL RINGS

-Paul and Armando.

-Marcel Marceau, of course, famously a mime artist, was silent.

-Yes.

The electric car is a silent vehicle

-and the song that you mentioned there, that's a silent piece of music.

-Yes.

So we've got three things which are silent. The Tesco's curry must make a noise.

-Does it cluck?

-No, it doesn't cluck, but you're right. You're absolutely right.

-Tesco's is the odd one out.

-It whistles.

-It whistles to let you know when it's ready.

-There we go. There's a special packaging...

-Yes.

..which will start whistling to tell you your meal is ready.

You might not hear it cos the microwave will be beeping to tell you that your meal is ready.

The dog will hear it and come up and say...

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Your meal is ready."

APPLAUSE

The silent nature of the electric car is sometimes deadly for pedestrians,

-so Warwick University is investigating the best noise for it.

-Horses' hooves would be nice.

-Any other...?

-We're they suggesting that Jeremy Clarkson's voice coming out of speakers,

so as you went down the street, it would go...

-AS JEREMY CLARKSON:

-"This is the best car in the world."

Afrika Bambaataa, Beware (The Funk Is Everywhere) - it's from a 1986 hip-hop album,

which is completely silent.

-Didn't Nicolas Cage do this before?

-Nicolas Cage? John Cage.

-Nicolas Cage, the film actor?

-No.

I wish he'd be silent in a lot of films.

Your paddling into popular culture has led you down a path here, sir.

-You pretend to know who these people are.

-I stand reprimanded.

Yes, they're all silent, apart from the microwave meal,

which from this week will make a whistling noise.

According to The Times,

there's a long history of artificial sounds being added to things

to make them more appealing.

And TV shows add laughter to jokes

even when nothing funny has been said.

CANNED LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

People laughed after they heard the fake laugh!

That's a good thing to know.

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Split Ends, the British Beard Club newsletter,

which recently lost one subscription from a man in Abbottabad.

-On...

-LAUGHTER

On the plus side, it was a world exclusive for Burial At Sea magazine.

And we start with...

JACK: Saying whatever I like now, because I've got a black friend.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm a digital channel.

Nice!

This is "I'm Dave, I'm a sausage addict."

LAUGHTER

Doctors have told David Harding that his 13 sausage a day habit is...

No, but it is a bit mental. Next...

A pair of spectacles!

ARMANDO: The tears of Alan Sugar.

Yes.

The sweet, salty tears...

ARMANDO: A gallon of Alan Sugar's tears, each eye.

Is it another vegetable? Is it peas?

Oh, you're nearly...no. It begins with P.

-Pasta.

-Potato.

-No, it's a Spanish dish.

ALL: Paella!

Yes, very good.

So we've reduced this news quiz to "guessing Spanish dishes beginning with P".

Yeah, this is the story that saffron is good for your eyesight.

At £3,000 a pound, saffron is the third most expensive food in the world,

after white truffles and Duchy Original biscuits.

Next...

Is it "documentary about Hollywood on BBC Two in about five minutes"?

HISSING

Who booed that?!

Is it beard?

A beard that's been grown over a period of time.

-Hundred-Year Beard.

-Massive long beard.

-30. 20.

-Pushy beard.

-JACK: Ginger beard. Ginger beard.

Two-year beard, is the answer.

Two years?!

This is Beard Club member Paul Wright,

who kept a photo diary of his beard growing. There you go.

If you take the last two, turn them upside down...

you get Jedward!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was told recently that my beard looks like I used to have a beard

that died, and now my chin is haunted by the ghost of that beard.

Really? Wow.

And your hair is scared of that beard.

And lastly...

ARMANDO: Gaddafi.

Girl's brain.

Er, the answer is "new species".

A new species of leech discovered living in a young girl's nose.

According to the BBC website...

Likes to go for long walks, has a good sense of humour, no time-wasters.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The final scores are, Ian and Jack have three,

Paul and Armando have nine!

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

The Jedward gene enters the reptile kingdom.

The Hamiltons are doing pantomime in Aldershot.

ARMANDO: This is what a zoo would look like under AV.

On which marvellous note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Jack Whitehall, Paul Merton and Armando Iannucci,

and I leave you with news that

after a brief discussion about the relative merits of garage vs hip-hop,

a group of friends decide to put some Snoop Dogg on the jukebox.

And in Windsor, there's evidence that squirrels may have developed rudimentary weapons.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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