Episode 7 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 7

Popular news quiz. Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Bill Bailey, and guest panellists Armando Iannucci and Jack Whitehall.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Bill Bailey.

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In the news this week...

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In Clydebank there's a slightly embarrassing BBC report

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on the Navy submarine with only one toilet.

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NO AUDIO ON TAPE

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And at a Paris fashion show

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an open window causes a slight breeze.

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Whoops!

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She's fine! Wa-hey!

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I'm fine!

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On Ian's team tonight is a young man who took a gap year from university to pursue comedy.

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Time's up! So...

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-Please welcome Jack Whitehall.

-APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight

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is a satirist who has never touched drugs

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because he doesn't want to be out of control mentally.

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It's all right - I wouldn't drive a tractor, though.

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-Please welcome Armando Iannucci.

-APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Jack, take a look at this.

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That's a funeral. Oh, no, it isn't. Sorry.

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The Queen thinking, "Please don't talk to my husband."

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Um...

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Oh, it's a barbecue.

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The guys are doing the barbecue - that's heart-warming, isn't it?

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Oh, they're going to grill Nick Clegg.

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He's allowed to talk to "O-barmy". "Shut up, you've had five minutes."

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This is what happens when an Etonian meets a black man for the first time.

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-That's a high five, is it?

-Yeah.

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He's never been high-fived in his life.

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He thought it was a vertical handshake, so he's like...

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and then kind of held his hand and...

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Obama was, "Get off! Get off!"

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-It was quite unpleasant.

-But special.

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Oh, well, no...

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-It proves we're special.

-It's a special...a special relationship.

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-Is it special or is it essential?

-That's a very good point.

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-"Special" has been supplanted by "essential".

-Yes.

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-There we go.

-There's the word, in case anybody doesn't know

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what the word "essential" looks like,

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somebody's taken a photograph of it for you and put it on the screen.

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Do they have to use quotes around it - "essential" relationship?

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-On the grounds that it's not true.

-It's not true.

-It is for us.

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-The quotes are made by impoverished children who don't get paid the full rate.

-Is that right?

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-Yep.

-Is it like Primark?

-Exactly the same.

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Before this historic visit,

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Obama's security guards did something in the Belgian Suite at the palace.

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Did they take a shit in it? What...?

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-That's not what I've got on the card.

-Oh, right.

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What they did was,

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they had to install bomb- and bulletproof windows into the Belgian Suite.

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And another security precaution was the huge

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18-foot armour-plated limo.

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-Yeah, called "The Beast".

-The Beast. The Beast was finally brought to a halt.

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-Is this in Ireland, where it got caught on a sleeping policeman?

-Yes.

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-Had he been drinking?

-It was... Yes.

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It got beached on a speed bump.

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We can see the actual incident here.

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REPORTER: 'Alarm bells might have rung

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'when the car in front just scraped over.

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'But no.'

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CHEERING

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'18 feet long and eight tonnes in weight it may be

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'but the modest ramp at the gate of the US embassy left it stranded.'

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You'd think the police, having spent billions of pounds in security,

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would have thought, "Does this vehicle go over a speed bump?"

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No.

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What was Barack Obama only the third American President to receive

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at the start of his visit?

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A DVD of Downton Abbey.

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-It's a historic gift now.

-Yes.

-It's one of those typical pomp and circumstance things.

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-A pat down.

-A pat down?

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A pat down at the airport, to check he's not carrying anything illegal.

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People have been getting complacent now Osama Bin Laden's died.

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They've thought, "I'm going to start taking liquids back on now."

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-War on terror won, back to the war on dry skin.

-Yeah.

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Is it an "I killed Bin Laden" T-shirt?

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"My husband went to London and all he came back with was a special relationship"?

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-It's a 41-gun salute.

-Oh, yes!

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-That's what he received.

-It's a misprint from the Queen Mother's days.

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It used to be a 41-gin salute.

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What, fired into her mouth?!

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Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

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Ah, ah, ah, ah!

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They used to fire ice cubes from those big cannons.

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What is the most rounds fired in a single salute?

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I'll tell you.

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-It's 124.

-Really? Who got that?

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Well, this happens on a special occasion

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when the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh

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do something together.

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-It's something to do with the date.

-Oh, when they role-play? If they had a role play date.

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-What?

-It's a very popular thing

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with couples that've been together for ages.

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-You do a thing where you have a role play date.

-So she comes in with a Hoover or something

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-and he's going, "Hoover it up, you bitch," or something.

-Yeah.

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-Philip pretends to be head of the IMF? That sort of thing.

-Yeah.

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What it is, is when the Duke of Edinburgh's birthday

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falls on the same day as the Queen's official birthday.

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Occasionally it happens and 124 rounds are fired.

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During a ceremonial welcome in the Palace garden,

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what was the problem with Princes Charles' hair

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and Michelle Obama's skirt?

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Both were paying a tribute to Bob Dylan and were blowin' in the wind.

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Exactly right. There was a very strong wind, caused a bit of havoc. Let's have a look at what happened.

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I could watch that clip on a continuous loop

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over and over again.

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Mother Nature's made them look silly there.

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It played a lot of havoc,

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particularly with Michelle Obama's hair,

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here she is, a little later in the day.

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JACK: Why does Prince Philip, in every photograph with the Obamas,

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look like he's just thought of the most inappropriate joke?

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-My friend met him in Dublin when they went over for their state visit.

-Yes.

-He's at Trinity, Dublin.

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He's English and Prince Philip, in front of loads of Irish people, came up to him and said,

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"You don't speak like one of the natives. Good, good."

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I saw him, he was talking about the time he met Sir Peter Scott

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when they were founding the Wildfowl And Wetlands Trust

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and he said, "Yes, we founded the Wildfowl Trust over a lunch.

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"Ah, duck, I think it was."

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Who interrupted President

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as he was proposing a toast to the Queen?

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-The musicians.

-Yep.

-They thought...

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He finished his speech, he reached for his glass,

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he was about to say, "Her Majesty The Queen,"

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-he got halfway and the band started playing God Save The Queen. Have we got a clip?

-Yes.

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BARACK OBAMA: To Her Majesty, The Queen,

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the vitality of the special relationship...

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MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" ..between our peoples.

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And in the words of Shakespeare,

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"To this blessed plot,

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"this earth, this realm,

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"this England."

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To the Queen.

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LAUGHTER

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-PAUL:

-She's looked at him and said, "You've ruined my tune."

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"I like this one!"

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"Not yet!"

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And to symbolise the common bond between Britain and America,

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what did David Cameron and President Obama choose as a photo opportunity?

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-ALL: A Barbecue.

-Yes.

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And the BBC News broke this in a very exciting way.

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What I love about the barbecue is

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Obama and Cameron, sleeves rolled up.

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They were there, the men cooking the meat

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and you knew that Clegg was on salad duty somewhere. Desperate...

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"Can I just do one sausage?" "Those buns won't cut themselves."

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They thought he was doing the onions and then they realised he was just crying.

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What do you think was the worst headline you could come up with to describe that scene?

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The newspaper The Metro came up with it, but it is the worst headline.

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-Imagine trying to...

-Something to do with grilling?

-Grilling.

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Barmy-cue?

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A Barmy-cue, that's good!

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-Thank you very much!

-It's good, I like that. Barmy-cue.

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It's worse than that.

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You're right. This is the visit of Barack Obama.

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The President and Prime Minister

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hosted a barbecue in the garden of Number Ten.

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They had to lay on extra security, partly because of threats,

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mainly to stop Eric Pickles coming back for seconds.

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The President's £189,000 is nicknamed The Beast,

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presumably after the head of the IMF.

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LAUGHTER

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Obama and Cameron's game of Ping-Pong

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at a South London school provided a bit of light relief,

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though the mood suddenly darkened when the scorer shouted out "9-11!"

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Paul and Armando, here's yours.

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We don't know who that is.

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Do we legally know who that is?

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-Who is it?

-Is it Gordon Ramsay's dad?

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LAUGHTER

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Is it an actor? Oh, it's Ryan Giggs!

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Yes, it's Ryan Giggs.

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Ryan Giggs, yes.

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Basically, Ryan Giggs has spent an awful lot of money

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to ensure that he's become world-famous...

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-LAUGHTER

-..for stuff other than football.

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-Yeah.

-People still might be sued for telling people that it was him.

-That's right.

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The MP John Hemming...

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He said that apparently...

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I mean, it's worth a go, though, innit?

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LAUGHTER For charity.

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The reason John Hemming the MP announced it in the House Of Commons...

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He said that a columnist was about to be arrested for re-tweeting this, Giles Coren,

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but you weren't allowed to mention who that was,

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so someone would be arrested in this country for the first time,

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and put in jail without you being allowed to know what they were in for or who they were.

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And I think at that point he thought, "This is getting silly."

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-So he blurted the name out.

-Hemming.

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He has got a bit of form in this particular area.

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According to his wife, he has had 26 affairs.

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He has a complicated personal life,

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and he's very controversial because he's a Lib Dem,

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and all of the people he's had affairs with are women.

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LAUGHTER

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The only thing is, the injunction is still in place.

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-That's right!

-Despite the people going blabbing it out.

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There's a legal expert, Joshua Rozenberg, this is what he had to say about it.

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Well, the law is clear.

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There is still a court order in force which says that

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-we can't name Ryan Giggs...

-SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

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Doh!

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I believe you can say his name though because I was getting so fed up,

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every newspaper, every day, it was like, "Imogen Thomas has been having sexual liaisons

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"with a man who cannot be named." I was like, "What? Voldemort?"

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LAUGHTER I sort of see why he did it, Ryan Giggs,

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cos he knows that if his identity was known, then people would know,

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not only who he was, but also that his marriage was on the rocks,

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and at that point, John Terry would be round his house...

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LAUGHTER

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..like a sex-crazed whippet.

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APPLAUSE

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And how did Mrs Giggs react when Giggs' name was released?

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She presumably looked grim-faced as well.

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According to the Daily Star...

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently Ann Widdecombe was in there for some reason.

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LAUGHTER

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People have been saying it's a conspiracy theory by Barcelona

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and Spain to distract the Man Utd team from the Champions League final.

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It would be brilliant if that's how football managers worked.

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That on one side and on the other side of the pitch,

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someone waving bubble wrap at Wayne Rooney. "Come on!"

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LAUGHTER "Crackly paper. Fun, fun!"

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Or pretend to throw a stick and not throw it.

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And during all this, what was Imogen Thomas doing?

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She was showing how sad and upset she was by posing in Man Utd strip in other papers.

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-That's right.

-It didn't do her case a huge amount of good, to be honest.

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According to Max Clifford though...

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently she told the Sun...

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Oh, sorry, that's me!

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LAUGHTER

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Giggs' argument for this super injunction was that

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she arranged to meet him with the knowledge that reporters

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and photographers were all there

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and she asked him for £50,000 and then asked for £100,000.

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That's the thing about these super injunctions, you take it, as the rich, celebrity person,

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you give your evidence, that's it. They award the injunction.

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She may have been trying to blackmail him and if she was,

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-she should be arrested for blackmail.

-Yeah.

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Then you'd a criminal case, it would be sub judice, we couldn't talk about it

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and justice would be seen to be done. But it wasn't.

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It's just a judge saying, "It might have been blackmail."

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Well, arrest her then!

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-Yeah. Yes, exactly.

-And everyone else!

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So which media outlet was the first to sail a bit close to the wind.

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Was it a signer for the deaf on the real news?

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Just quietly going like that.

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HE LAUGHS

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Giggs? Footballer?

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Ssh!

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No, it was actually the Today Programme, Steve Hewlett, he nearly blabbed it.

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HEWLETT: 'Now, bring in Twitter.

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'Question - once it's been on Twitter, is it in the public domain?

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'Now what I think Ry... Oh! Excuse me.'

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LAUGHTER

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What I think Rff-fler-biya...

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Yes, the worst kept secret in Britain is finally out -

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lawyers are complete waste of money.

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LAUGHTER

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According to the Mirror...

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Bit of a selection dilemma for Sir Alex, then.

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LAUGHTER

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As the row unfolded, thousands of Twitter users named Ryan Giggs

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in what the Daily Mail called...

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Top that Syria! Lightweights!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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And so, the round two.

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The strength-ometer of news.

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Fingers on buzzers.

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Oh, hello!

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WHISTLING

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BUZZER

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

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This is the Nazi party, remember them?

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Before the second world war, under Hitler, they believed they could teach dogs to talk.

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-They could make spies of dogs...

-Yes.

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Just drop dogs into... I don't know, the countryside of England in a hat and a pipe,

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and, "Hello, I'm new in town, what's this? Any soldiers near here?" That sort of thing.

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And then the dog would go back and report to the Nazis.

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They had proper experiments to see if they could train dogs to talk.

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-Exactly right.

-And they found if he did a Nazi salute

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-and cocked his leg at the same time, he just fell over.

-They set up

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The Animal Speech School at Hanover.

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I don't know how scary that is, though.

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Speaking dogs, not the scariest thing.

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If a dog bites the arse out of your trousers and then says, "For you, the war is over,"

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then that's something that sticks with you, it stays with you.

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It affects your morale.

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"What happened to you?" "I got arrested by a dog."

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The star pupil apparently was Rolf, the Airedale terrier.

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-He doesn't look that scary, to be honest.

-No.

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And Rolf apparently would speak

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by tapping his paw against a board

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and each number of taps would be the letter

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and he would spell out words.

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They're looking for a new host of Countdown.

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That's not really talking dog.

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That's dog pointing at random letters.

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-One of Rolf's contemporaries was Don, the German pointer...

-There's one!

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Very easy job in Berlin in 1934.

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He imitated the human voice.

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The German for "Hungry! Give me cakes" is...

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BILL SPEAKS GERMAN

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That's Geordie!

0:17:500:17:52

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Give me a cake!

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Speak like that, you get sacked from American X Factor.

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-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Cheryl Cole.

0:18:000:18:02

A new book claims that as a secret weapon,

0:18:020:18:04

the Nazis tried to train dogs to talk.

0:18:040:18:06

Hitler had two German shepherds called Blondi and Bella.

0:18:060:18:08

According to the Daily Mail...

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Doesn't say what happened to Bella.

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Presumably she managed to talk her way out of it.

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He loved playing with Blondi and Bella in the park,

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but sadly he only had one ball.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, here we go, fingers on buzzers.

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WHISTLING

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BOING

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BUZZ

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-This is a tiger. It was spotted by the police.

-Yes.

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And they responsibly delegated about 200-300 officers...

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-Yes.

-..and four helicopters and a number of Navy SEALs, erm...

0:18:410:18:47

-to kettle...

-LAUGHTER

0:18:470:18:50

..the tiger. They surrounded it and eventually they found out that it wasn't real.

0:18:500:18:55

-That's correct.

-It was a stuffed tiger, so they felt a bit silly.

-Yep.

0:18:550:18:59

In these austere times, they scrambled a helicopter

0:18:590:19:01

and apparently they used other hi-tech equipment. Somebody said...

0:19:010:19:05

It did get very bad, though, because at one point Paul Gascoigne turned up

0:19:130:19:17

-with a chicken and a fishing rod. GEORDIE ACCENT:

-That tiger's my mate!

0:19:170:19:22

The only realised it was stuffed when they did an autopsy on it.

0:19:220:19:26

This animal was killed by consuming too much foam rubber.

0:19:260:19:29

Actually, we've got some footage of the helicopter

0:19:310:19:33

with the thermal-imaging equipment which was deployed.

0:19:330:19:37

There we go.

0:19:370:19:38

NEWS REPORT: 'The helicopter moved in for a closer look

0:19:380:19:40

'with its thermal-imaging camera.

0:19:400:19:43

'At that point, reality began to dawn on all concerned.'

0:19:430:19:47

What about the visual-imaging device called the eye?

0:19:470:19:51

You can just look and say, "It doesn't move much.

0:19:510:19:55

-"Might be a toy."

-They tried that already. They said...

0:19:550:19:58

APPLAUSE

0:20:040:20:06

-It's a stand-off.

-Yes. Yeah.

0:20:090:20:11

Do you know how they actually finally established it wasn't a real tiger?

0:20:110:20:15

Did a five-year-old girl come over and pick it up?

0:20:150:20:18

That would have been great, but what actually happened

0:20:180:20:20

was that the helicopter with the thermal-imaging equipment landed

0:20:200:20:24

and the down draught from the blades flipped it over.

0:20:240:20:27

This is the escaped tiger in Hampshire, which turned out to be a stuffed toy.

0:20:290:20:33

After the initial sighting, a police officer was dispatched to investigate

0:20:330:20:37

and confirmed that there was indeed a tiger.

0:20:370:20:40

According to The Guardian, to avoid embarrassment...

0:20:400:20:43

I'm guessing it was Constable Giggs.

0:20:440:20:46

Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round and one between you this week.

0:20:490:20:53

An electric car,

0:20:530:20:55

Marcel Marceau,

0:20:550:20:56

a microwaveable curry from Tesco,

0:20:560:20:58

and Beware (The Funk Is Everywhere) by Afrika Bambaataa.

0:20:580:21:01

-BELL RINGS

-Paul and Armando.

0:21:010:21:04

-Marcel Marceau, of course, famously a mime artist, was silent.

-Yes.

0:21:040:21:08

The electric car is a silent vehicle

0:21:080:21:10

-and the song that you mentioned there, that's a silent piece of music.

-Yes.

0:21:100:21:15

So we've got three things which are silent. The Tesco's curry must make a noise.

0:21:150:21:19

-Does it cluck?

-No, it doesn't cluck, but you're right. You're absolutely right.

0:21:190:21:23

-Tesco's is the odd one out.

-It whistles.

-It whistles to let you know when it's ready.

0:21:230:21:28

-There we go. There's a special packaging...

-Yes.

0:21:280:21:31

..which will start whistling to tell you your meal is ready.

0:21:310:21:35

You might not hear it cos the microwave will be beeping to tell you that your meal is ready.

0:21:350:21:40

The dog will hear it and come up and say...

0:21:400:21:42

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Your meal is ready."

0:21:420:21:44

APPLAUSE

0:21:470:21:49

The silent nature of the electric car is sometimes deadly for pedestrians,

0:21:490:21:54

-so Warwick University is investigating the best noise for it.

-Horses' hooves would be nice.

0:21:540:21:59

-Any other...?

-We're they suggesting that Jeremy Clarkson's voice coming out of speakers,

0:21:590:22:05

so as you went down the street, it would go...

0:22:050:22:08

-AS JEREMY CLARKSON:

-"This is the best car in the world."

0:22:080:22:12

Afrika Bambaataa, Beware (The Funk Is Everywhere) - it's from a 1986 hip-hop album,

0:22:120:22:18

which is completely silent.

0:22:180:22:20

-Didn't Nicolas Cage do this before?

-Nicolas Cage? John Cage.

0:22:200:22:24

-Nicolas Cage, the film actor?

-No.

0:22:240:22:28

I wish he'd be silent in a lot of films.

0:22:280:22:32

Your paddling into popular culture has led you down a path here, sir.

0:22:320:22:36

-You pretend to know who these people are.

-I stand reprimanded.

0:22:360:22:42

Yes, they're all silent, apart from the microwave meal,

0:22:420:22:45

which from this week will make a whistling noise.

0:22:450:22:47

According to The Times,

0:22:470:22:49

there's a long history of artificial sounds being added to things

0:22:490:22:52

to make them more appealing.

0:22:520:22:53

And TV shows add laughter to jokes

0:22:590:23:02

even when nothing funny has been said.

0:23:020:23:04

CANNED LAUGHTER

0:23:040:23:06

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:23:060:23:08

People laughed after they heard the fake laugh!

0:23:080:23:10

That's a good thing to know.

0:23:100:23:12

Time now for the Missing Words round,

0:23:120:23:14

which this week features as its guest publication

0:23:140:23:17

Split Ends, the British Beard Club newsletter,

0:23:170:23:21

which recently lost one subscription from a man in Abbottabad.

0:23:210:23:25

-On...

-LAUGHTER

0:23:250:23:27

On the plus side, it was a world exclusive for Burial At Sea magazine.

0:23:270:23:31

And we start with...

0:23:310:23:33

JACK: Saying whatever I like now, because I've got a black friend.

0:23:370:23:41

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:43

APPLAUSE

0:23:430:23:45

I'm a digital channel.

0:23:470:23:49

Nice!

0:23:490:23:51

This is "I'm Dave, I'm a sausage addict."

0:23:510:23:55

LAUGHTER

0:23:550:23:57

Doctors have told David Harding that his 13 sausage a day habit is...

0:23:570:24:01

No, but it is a bit mental. Next...

0:24:030:24:06

A pair of spectacles!

0:24:090:24:11

ARMANDO: The tears of Alan Sugar.

0:24:110:24:14

Yes.

0:24:140:24:15

The sweet, salty tears...

0:24:150:24:17

ARMANDO: A gallon of Alan Sugar's tears, each eye.

0:24:170:24:21

Is it another vegetable? Is it peas?

0:24:210:24:23

Oh, you're nearly...no. It begins with P.

0:24:230:24:25

-Pasta.

-Potato.

-No, it's a Spanish dish.

0:24:250:24:27

ALL: Paella!

0:24:270:24:29

Yes, very good.

0:24:280:24:29

So we've reduced this news quiz to "guessing Spanish dishes beginning with P".

0:24:290:24:34

Yeah, this is the story that saffron is good for your eyesight.

0:24:340:24:38

At £3,000 a pound, saffron is the third most expensive food in the world,

0:24:380:24:43

after white truffles and Duchy Original biscuits.

0:24:430:24:46

Next...

0:24:480:24:49

Is it "documentary about Hollywood on BBC Two in about five minutes"?

0:24:530:24:57

HISSING

0:24:570:24:58

Who booed that?!

0:24:580:25:00

Is it beard?

0:25:000:25:02

A beard that's been grown over a period of time.

0:25:020:25:05

-Hundred-Year Beard.

-Massive long beard.

-30. 20.

0:25:050:25:08

-Pushy beard.

-JACK: Ginger beard. Ginger beard.

0:25:080:25:11

Two-year beard, is the answer.

0:25:110:25:13

Two years?!

0:25:130:25:14

This is Beard Club member Paul Wright,

0:25:140:25:16

who kept a photo diary of his beard growing. There you go.

0:25:160:25:20

If you take the last two, turn them upside down...

0:25:200:25:22

you get Jedward!

0:25:220:25:24

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:240:25:27

I was told recently that my beard looks like I used to have a beard

0:25:290:25:32

that died, and now my chin is haunted by the ghost of that beard.

0:25:320:25:36

Really? Wow.

0:25:360:25:38

And your hair is scared of that beard.

0:25:380:25:40

And lastly...

0:25:430:25:45

ARMANDO: Gaddafi.

0:25:480:25:50

Girl's brain.

0:25:510:25:53

Er, the answer is "new species".

0:25:550:25:58

A new species of leech discovered living in a young girl's nose.

0:25:580:26:03

According to the BBC website...

0:26:030:26:05

Likes to go for long walks, has a good sense of humour, no time-wasters.

0:26:090:26:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:120:26:16

The final scores are, Ian and Jack have three,

0:26:160:26:20

Paul and Armando have nine!

0:26:200:26:22

APPLAUSE

0:26:220:26:25

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:26:290:26:33

AUDIENCE: Aww!

0:26:330:26:35

The Jedward gene enters the reptile kingdom.

0:26:350:26:38

The Hamiltons are doing pantomime in Aldershot.

0:26:380:26:41

ARMANDO: This is what a zoo would look like under AV.

0:26:420:26:46

On which marvellous note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:26:460:26:50

Ian Hislop and Jack Whitehall, Paul Merton and Armando Iannucci,

0:26:500:26:53

and I leave you with news that

0:26:530:26:55

after a brief discussion about the relative merits of garage vs hip-hop,

0:26:550:26:58

a group of friends decide to put some Snoop Dogg on the jukebox.

0:26:580:27:01

And in Windsor, there's evidence that squirrels may have developed rudimentary weapons.

0:27:060:27:10

Good night.

0:27:130:27:15

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:300:27:33

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:330:27:37

Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Bill Bailey, and guest panellists Armando Iannucci and Jack Whitehall.