Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Sharon Horgan. In the news this week,

at Gatwick, half-term is a busy week for the Ryanair baggage handlers...

LAUGHTER

In Morocco, it's opening day for the new Cristiano Ronaldo football school.

LAUGHTER

And in Alabama, the Ku Klux Klan unwind on a family fun day.

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who was a big fan of Ronnie Barker

and says he cried when he died.

That's interesting - I lit FORK HANDLES.

-Welcome, please, Joe Wilkinson.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who once said

that the person he most despises is Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

Well, we checked, and apparently the feeling's mutual.

-It's Richard Madeley!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

So, we start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Joe,

take a look at this.

Oh, right, that's a FIFA man getting into a car.

There's another one.

JOE: Father Christmas.

-Oh, and that's the presents.

-Yeah.

Isn't that lovely? Oh, look, who could the winner be?!

JOE: It's her, yeah.

Well, this was election night. I hope everyone stayed up. Fantastic.

Who's going to win, who's going to win?!

-..Oh.

-Oh, it was Blatter.

-Yeah.

-Did you stay up for Blatter?

Well, yeah, of course I did. It was a very nervous time, you know,

this one box to tick... who's going to win?

..Oh, yeah, it is him, yeah.

I love the fact that they stuck to the ballot.

When they opened the ballot box, they went, "Let's have a look who's won."

"There's one for Sepp Blatter..."

I just love the fact... Because obviously, Sepp Blatter won,

-and then the whole of FIFA had a go at England.

-Yes.

And the most disgusting thing about England is we have a free press.

Oh, how awful(!)

I think it was a Greek delegate,

said, "Typical English word, these 'allegations'."

English word, "allegation".

And you thought, there's a picture taken of a brown envelope full of money

with the country it's going to on it. That's not an allegation!

-That's proof!

-LAUGHTER

-"There's the English using 'facts' again."

-Yeah.

-Typical.

But he was unopposed last time! This is his fourth time.

RICHARD: Yeah, 13 years.

Maybe he'll die!

-LAUGHTER

-Well, there's a cheery thought!

Then they could, as a tribute, use his skull in the final.

-That's a lovely idea.

-It's a tribute!

-Or as the cup!

-Indeed!

Absolutely, yeah. Andrew Marr should be the cup.

You can pick him up like that.

So according to the Guardian...

But in the interests of balance, we should point out that...

-RICHARD: Did you see the front page of the Sun this week?

-No.

It had a picture of Sepp, and next to it was a picture of Colonel Gaddafi,

-and the headline was, "Despot The Difference".

-That's brilliant!

-A bit harsh on Sepp, I thought.

-I think it's pretty hard on Gaddafi.

As elections go, I think Libya's pretty free and fair compared...

-to FIFA.

-He doesn't even like football.

-Doesn't he?

-No.

What were Prince William's views?

They got him to say he was very disappointed, didn't they?

Sort of. His spokesman said...

RICHARD: No, he didn't. He didn't say that.

-It sounds more like something Harry would say.

-LAUGHTER

Didn't someone say that he offered a seat at his wedding for support

for the World Cup as a sort of...

-Bribe.

-I'm not saying bribe.

I heard that, I think those delegates want more than a seat at the back of the Abbey.

No, they're looking for 100,000.

Seat in the Abbey? I could have had tickets to the Abbey for half that.

Did you go? Were you there?

-Oh!

-No.

Too busy doing the cocaine!

-Would anyone like to hear a funny FIFA joke?

-ALL: Yes!

Take it away, ex-Manchester United manager Tommy Docherty.

We're never surprised anything that happens in the game today,

I mean, FIFA,

There's a FIFA this and a FIFA that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Tommy Docherty, very good to talk to you, thanks ever so much.'

This is the FIFA corruption scandal which is threatening

to drive football's reputation into the gutter

and THAT'S according to Ryan Giggs.

According to the Sun, the FIFA Presidency vote took place at the Messe Centre in Zurich,

but only because the Farcical Cock-up Centre was already booked.

So, it's not the first time

Sepp Blatter has been at the centre of a storm.

In 2004, he said that women footballers should wear:

Although to be fair,

tight shorts can be a good thing.

-Is that a real photo?

-Yes, that's a real photo, Ian.

So, Paul and Richard - here's a story for you.

Can you give us a moment to recover?

-From the picture.

-A two-minute silence I think would do.

Is it possible to have some counselling?

-Oh, here we go.

-Edible Dalek.

-Yeah, probably on Blue Peter or something.

The Daleks have mutated into a new species.

That's a retirement home and that's where the Daleks are going

because they're being rested. They don't do much.

You have to see them in small doses cos if you think about it too much,

it's the old thing where you just go upstairs

-and that's it.

-But they float now.

-They float?

-Fly now, yes.

-The devils!

Didn't they give them a new catchphrase which is,

"Elevate, elevate."

-They actually do say that.

-Do they?

There's one which works in the beauty parlour near me going,

"Exfoliate, exfoliate!"

-They can get jobs anywhere.

-APPLAUSE

Professor of Logic - "Extrapolate, extrapolate."

Professor of Logic!

LAUGHTER

I'd like to be a Professor of Logic.

You'd have a day off when you just do illogical things.

Eat a balloon, or something.

"It's my day off, mate."

I like the idea of the Daleks being retired and having to go and live in a home with each other.

Presumably, they just tell boring, theatrical anecdotes.

"Do you remember when we took on the Doctor?"

The Daleks talk like Alan Bennett, like all your impressions.

Every impression is Alan Bennett!

I'd like to see them, now they're retired,

come back maybe in other shows like EastEnders.

The new landlord of The Vic.

Or Pat's new husband.

"Paa-aat, Paa-aat."

-I can't do an impression.

-No, terrific!

-Not at all like Alan Bennett.

-Ian can do an impression but it will sound like Alan Bennett.

-But he can do a Dalek in EastEnders.

-Go on, say, "Exterminate."

AS ALAN BENNETT: Ooh, exterminate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Look, I mean, they're actors, the Daleks.

Yeah, but they're typecast, to be honest.

How many Shakespearean roles will you get

with a plunger sticking out of your head?

Four, at the most.

The Daleks Of Verona - it doesn't work, does it?

The executive producer, Stephen Moffat, said:

I think that's stretching it. I've checked

and the Doctor has been defeated by the Daleks 37 times.

It's not true, I just made it up.

You know Doctor Who fans, they're not bothered by little details.

So, what has Anthony Wainer of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society

had to say about this?

Was it something...very sensible?

Something reasonable?

Something reasonable based on a general world view and a sociable outlook?

Was he with his girlfriend or wife or significant other before he said this,

or does he come from a bedsit in Widnes?

He's a bit upset. He said:

Luckily, there's loads of DVDs featuring Doctor Who and Daleks

so you don't have to forget about it, it's there. It's a TV programme,

people recorded it. You can see it again.

Are strawberries and cream that dangerous?

-Have you tried to buy them?

-Yeah, they are. Incendiary.

Two things that shouldn't go together like pasta and antipasti, you put the two together...

There's an almighty explosion.

No, the world ends.

The world ends.

Some of the Daleks actually made a strange career choice

in 2005, do you know what that might have been?

Formed a boy band?

No. They actually, according to the Sun,

they appeared in a porn film.

Well, that sucks.

The films take a while to get going because there's usually a long pause

after the housewife says, "Why don't you come upstairs?"

I keep telling you, they float.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ejaculate!

LAUGHTER

Get out.

You're not Michael Billington from the Guardian, are you?

Which other incomprehensible TV star bent on world domination

has found herself on the scrap heap this week?

-Cheryl Cole.

-That's right. Yes. National treasure, Cheryl Cole.

She was sensationally axed as a judge

on the US version of the X Factor.

Who's going to be replacing her, Ian?

LAUGHTER

Come on, come on!

It's er... I don't know either.

They're saying there were a few reasons, aren't they?

They said the Yanks couldn't understand her as she talks funny.

Secondly, she had no chemistry with fellow judge...

Paula Abdul, that's right, Ian.

Paula Abdul, yes.

Of course, it was Simon who gave Cheryl her break in America.

Unfortunately, it turned out to just be a weekend break.

It seems a bit unfair to pick on Cheryl because they can't understand her. The Americans love that.

You know, another big question that has to be asked is, are we at war?

I haven't heard the President say that we are at war

and that's why I too, um, am not knowing,

do we use the term "intervention"?

Do we use "war"? Do we use "squirmish"? What is it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The fall-out from Cheryl's sacking

means it's unlikely she'll go to Simon Cowell's wedding.

But let's be honest, it's unlikely he'll be going.

According to friends, Cheryl has never felt more humiliated.

And this is a woman whose ex-husband shot a work-experience boy,

was sick during sex with a hairdresser

and sent pictures of his genitals to girls he hardly knew.

-Do you want to hear my impression of Cheryl Cole?

-Yes!

-ALAN BENNETT VOICE:

-Oh, no, I've been fired.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ian and Joe, here's another story for you.

-That's Lord Taylor.

-Waiting for his sentence.

Yup.

Oh, he's being put in the Jeffrey Archer suite.

It's a Tory peer who's been sent to jail for fiddling his expenses.

-That's right.

-Which is a big story cos he's not Labour.

And there's four Labour peers in there, waiting.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he's in the cell with his cellmate,

"What you in for?"

"Yeah, pretending I live in Oxford."

"You're the lowest of the low."

What exactly did he do wrong?

He lived in Ealing and said he lived in Oxford. Didn't seem too bad to me.

He was claiming your money to live in both of them, though.

Give him two years.

It was a bit worse than that, he claimed bogus travel

and overnight expenses worth £11,277

by telling the House Of Lords his main home was Oxford,

but he also claimed that he had lived with his mother

in the Midlands until 2007,

but what slightly undermined this?

-She died years before.

-Right. According to the Mirror...

He could have been living with her,

sort of, Psycho.

He also said... He kept lying about it until the last minute.

-Kept making up more stories and that's what made it worse.

-Yeah.

Him denying it to the end sounds interesting.

In court, they say, "Your mother's dead." "No, she isn't."

"Produce her." "She's gone shopping."

"When will she be back?" "About an hour."

Then in the end, he says, "I'll go and get her," comes back in a wig...

"Has my son been here?" Then goes back, "Did you see her?"

The giveaway was, she sounded like Alan Bennett as well.

You had a great statistic in your magazine,

I think this week, that, um...

MPs are statistically four times more likely to go to jail than you guys.

Notice I don't include me. But you...

LAUGHTER

Four times more likely to go to jail.

Look, they're stunned, thinking, "Only FOUR?"

It's incredible, how did you work that out?

-Um, just numbers.

-OK. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is Lord Taylor of Warwick

who has been jailed for 12 months for fiddling his expenses.

He claimed an allowance of £11,277

for travel between London and Oxford.

Mind you, it was a Friday afternoon

and he did buy the ticket at the station.

According to The Independent...

Yup.

That's exactly what they're going to call him.

As in, "Give me your snout or I'll tear you a new arsehole,

"Lord Taylor of Warwick."

Paul and Richard, here's another story for you.

-Blackpool Tower.

-Yeah, that's obviously Blackpool.

There we are, there's Blackpool roller coasters, then... Blimey.

There's... This is part of the drilling that's been going on,

there's been an earthquake in Blackpool.

That's probably a simulation of it.

There's been earthquakes in Blackpool,

due to this fact they've been drilling... It's very obvious.

It's matching the words. Fracking, it's called fracking.

So, "Pass us the fracking drill." So...

LAUGHTER

"Get it your fracking self."

-So, you'd have a...

-LAUGHTER

That's absolutely 100% right. Yeah.

Since it started in the area,

Blackpool has experienced two earthquakes

which are being blamed on the fracking drilling.

Do you know what happened when the earthquake hit?

Yes, it caused £20 worth of damage.

A mile-worth of buildings knocked down.

Did the alarm go off on those... You know those 2p-shove machines?

-The 1.5 magnitude earthquake struck at 1am.

-That's a tremor!

-Yes.

It's an earthquake.

-OK.

-According to the Telegraph...

That's Blackpool for you on a Friday night.

-Richard, you like to be beside the seaside.

-Mm-hmm.

-Don't you?

-Mm-hmm.

-Here's a message you tweeted last week...

-Best buy of the year thus far.

-Sounds fantastic!

-It's great.

Why did you feel the need to tweet this?

-Could you not say to yourself...

-LAUGHTER

"I bought a clock, it's very nice, good for me"

and then carry about your business?

LAUGHTER

-Without disturbing the rest of us.

-I'll tell you the truth,

I'm quite a regular tweeter,

and if I don't tweet four or five times a day,

my, I hate this word, but "followers," get a bit nowty.

Is this what the lord Buddha thought?

"Oh, I must share my revelations

"or my followers will get a bit nowty."

That particular day, nothing remotely interesting had happened all day

and that was the only thing I could tweet.

Why don't you just do something interesting?

That's why I bought a tide clock.

Put the phone over here,

go for a life over here.

-RICHARD: It got a very enthusiastic response.

-Did it?

People kept saying, "What state is the tide in now, Rich?"

I'm saying, "It's half out."

"What's it like now, Rich?" "It's coming in."

JOE: I think you're about to get a few more followers.

RICHARD: It's quality stuff.

According to The Independent, the Blackpool tremor was...

Do please keep those donations coming in.

So on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers.

LAUGHTER

-BUZZ

-Ian.

-Oh, I know.

-Hmm.

No, I was lying.

-We don't know what it is.

-Oh, well...

this is the news that police in Barnsley

are trying to stamp out swearing by introducing

an £80 fine in the town centre.

I'm assuming you won't know why it's been introduced?

Is it cos people tend to get off the train and immediately swear?

HE MOUTHS

HE MOUTHS

According to The Mail...

-I can imagine them now...

-I know.

..with their trainers and their tracksuits.

The fine is being introduced this month.

What will happen to people who swear in July?

Is it half rates for the summer?

The initiative is only in operation during June.

-Thank

-BLEEP

-for that!

It'd be nice if they did a flash mob, where on the last day of June,

everyone stood there looking at their watch

then went absolute nuts.

HE MOUTHS

HE MOUTHS

"Nothing you can do, mate."

Speaking of inappropriate behaviour in public,

how much would you fine this bloke?

HE SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

HE MIAOWS

HE BARKS

HE OINKS

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZ

This is a dress made out of cheese. Due to the economy

going down the pan, people can't afford textiles any more

but they can afford to wear dairy products, it's cheese.

It is cheese. Fashion students from Bath Spa University

-have made a new summer collection of clothing out of cheese.

-Yep.

Student Lisa Dylan even made a pair of gorgeous shoes. Here they are.

Do you know what she's calling them?

Some cheese-based pun?

-Yes, Jimmy Cheese.

-Jimmy Cheese?

That would've taken us four years to get to that one.

I once bought a pair of cheese trousers. I stayed at a hotel,

put them in a Corby press. Next morning I was wearing welsh rabbit!

-Terribly embarrassing.

-In other food news,

what's being hailed as the greatest invention since sliced bread?

-Cheese.

-Toast.

Sliced cheese.

Sliced cheese on toast.

It's a sandwich which you can buy in a can,

or a Candwich.

It lasts for one whole year.

AUDIENCE GROANS

No-one's going to nick that from the fridge at work, are they?

Here's one in action.

AUDIENCE GROANS

JOE: Please, please don't eat it.

Please, please.

I was waiting for something to make the Pot Noodle look sophisticated.

I've finally seen it, it's a sandwich in a tin.

The Candwich has garnered a lot of attention online...naturally.

Desiree from Las Vegas, she said...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Yes, Desiree, I suppose it sort of does.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Just one between you this week.

The Peruvian National Anthem...

the Dostoyevsky metro station...

Howard from the Halifax adverts... and Eeyore.

The Peruvian National Anthem is considered dreary by people in Peru.

They want a much more optimistic, upbeat... # We are from Peru

# We march, that's what we do... # Something like that, rather than...

# We're from Peru... #

So I think... Eeyore's notoriously gloomy.

So therefore, they've all been sort of changed or sacked

because they're gloomy, apart from Howard who is not gloomy

but has been sacked anyway.

You are so right. They're all too miserable

apart from Howard Brown from the Halifax adverts,

who was taken off the bank's advertising campaigns

because he was too chirpy for the recession.

First of all, Peru's national anthem. The Peruvian man,

called Julio Davalos, has spent £100,000 of his own money

campaigning to change his country's national anthem

-as he thinks it's too miserable.

-Yes.

I presume you're familiar with it?

You can spot the Peruvians in the audience - they'll stand to attention.

I'm not 100% what the tune is, but I'm guessing it's...

SHE SINGS: "Mexican Hat Dance"

Whee!

But you were right about the metro station in Moscow,

named after the gloomy writer, Dostoevsky.

It's been criticised for being too depressing.

What's Abraham Lincoln doing in a Russian tube station?

It depicts violent scenes from the writer's novels.

JOE: Pop a picture of Eeyore in there.

-Yes!

-Put a bit of shine in your day.

-He's quite gloomy, Eeyore.

-There's a new Disney cartoon.

Has he been written out of it?

The Americans are doing a version. The new character's called Yee-ha!

A really upbeat kinda donkey!

"Shall we go on an expedition, Eeyore?"

"Yeah! Great!"

-GRIZZLED PROSPECTOR ACCENT:

-"Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's do that!"

"Remember the first expedition I went on was 1867, long time ago,

"I was a shrewd donkey then but I'm much older..."

That sort of thing.

I'm auditioning for any roles. I also do...

I also do German U-boat captains at the drop of a hat.

"What goes on? Zis is?"

The only thing I do.

-Want to hear my German U-boat captain?

-Yes, please!

Guess who it sounds like?

-AS ALAN BENNETT:

-"Oh, no, it's depth charges."

APPLAUSE

They're all too miserable, apart from Howard Brown from the Halifax adverts.

He was taken off the campaign for being too chirpy for the recession.

According to the Times,

the murals at the Dostoevsky metro station have been...

To be honest, as long as nobody makes eye contact with me and I've got a seat, I really don't care.

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features

The Palindromist,

a journal for people who write and read palindromes.

This week's edition includes classic palindromes such as...

An unlikely scenario, where a male palindromist actually communicates with a lady.

And we start with...

They'll ask, "What is a palindrome?"

A lot of people think it's an unmanned aircraft

that attacks Sarah Palin.

They'll ask, "Are you the sort of person who's got a tide clock?"

The answer is...

-We all thought it was a misprint for "why".

-Oh? Yeah, exactly!

Next...

JOE: Ugly?

I'm not a practising pork butcher...

It's not that either.

JOE: Is it "conjoined"?

And the answer is...

This is the list of excuses given by people sponging off the state.

The best one of those I saw was a man who claimed he had no idea that his wife had a job,

because when she was out the house

it coincided with the time he spent in the shed.

Next...

-The palindrome.

-Yeah! Evil Bob the palindrome in Norfolk!

JOE: Is it Evil Bob the builder builds hill?

Oh, I know this one.

It's Ainsworth.

The answer is...

This is Evil Bob the dog, whose owner is keen to be rid of him

due to his bad breath, wonky teeth and bad behaviour. According to the owner...

Sounds like my old boyfriend.

So, the final scores are...

..Ian and Joe have 6,

Paul and Richard have 9.

-Oh.

-Well done.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

This is the worst game of strip poker I've ever played!

And I leave you with news that, in Cumbria,

there's evidence that eating too much spinach can be bad for you...

As auditions begin for a new series of The Only Way Is Essex,

one hopeful is rejected on the grounds she's simply too classy...

And in London, a bad moment for Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone

as he gets knocked over by a bus.

Good night.

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