Episode 9 Have I Got News for You


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS


Episode 9

Popular news quiz. Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Jo Brand and guest panellists Reginald D Hunter and Joanna Scanlan.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 9. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:270:00:30

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

0:00:370:00:40

I'm Jo Brand.

0:00:400:00:41

In the news this week, in the gardens at Balmoral

0:00:410:00:44

there are suspicions the sculptor may have run off with the cash

0:00:440:00:48

as the Queen unveils a statue of her favourite corgi.

0:00:480:00:51

Olympic news, and in East London, cycling officials test out

0:00:590:01:03

the new system to discourage false starts.

0:01:030:01:06

And on Falklands TV the breakfast show with Mike and Denise

0:01:110:01:15

gets off to an uncertain start

0:01:150:01:17

when Denise turns up late.

0:01:170:01:19

On Ian's team tonight is one of my fellow writer-performers

0:01:340:01:37

on the BBC sitcom Getting On,

0:01:370:01:39

in which she plays a senior figure to me. Not tonight, love.

0:01:390:01:43

Please welcome Joanna Scanlon.

0:01:430:01:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:460:01:48

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says some evenings

0:01:520:01:55

he'll eat pasta, ribs, beef, donuts and chocolate cake.

0:01:550:01:58

Yes, I agree, it's nice to snack while you're waiting for the pizza.

0:01:580:02:03

Please welcome Reginald D. Hunter.

0:02:030:02:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:050:02:07

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

0:02:100:02:13

Ian and Jo, take a look at this.

0:02:130:02:15

Oh, yes. Cameron. "Trust me, I'm a spin doctor."

0:02:150:02:18

Yes. Ministering angel, Mr Cameron.

0:02:180:02:21

"I'm about to be fired. Ha!"

0:02:210:02:23

Pretty, though.

0:02:230:02:24

That's someone trying to see their GP.

0:02:240:02:27

"Oh, dear. Which lock is it? The top, bottom, the, uh...?"

0:02:290:02:33

Yeah, this is special reduction on sentences.

0:02:330:02:36

-You get half...

-In pantomime.

-In panto, yes!

0:02:360:02:40

Well, it's been a bad week, all round, for the Government.

0:02:400:02:43

-Yeah.

-And they're now ahead of Labour in the polls.

0:02:430:02:46

Can you imagine if they were doing badly?!

0:02:460:02:48

They're dithering. There's a lot of dithering been happening all week,

0:02:480:02:52

whether it's health, crime, the judges and the judicial system,

0:02:520:02:56

they don't know whether to, you know, buy the Louboutins

0:02:560:02:59

or the Jimmy Choos, they're becoming very, uh, I don't know,

0:02:590:03:03

female, in the sense that they're changing their minds quite a bit.

0:03:030:03:07

That's quite sexist.

0:03:070:03:08

She might say something different in a minute.

0:03:100:03:13

I did read something this week saying that it was all to be blamed

0:03:150:03:19

on Tony Blair's autobiography.

0:03:190:03:21

Which they had read, and realised that they should have got in early,

0:03:210:03:24

that Tony felt, retrospectively,

0:03:240:03:26

-he hadn't gone in early enough...

-Absolutely.

-..and changed policies.

0:03:260:03:30

That's right. They felt they should emulate Blair,

0:03:300:03:32

except do it quicker.

0:03:320:03:33

So don't wait a couple of years for a useless war, go straight in early!

0:03:330:03:37

Uh, reform the system? Try it, give up, do a u-turn, and say, "sorry."

0:03:370:03:42

And the process upset the Archbishop of Canterbury.

0:03:420:03:44

Yes, he's come out on the side of the poor.

0:03:440:03:47

That'll get him in trouble!

0:03:470:03:49

"What does he think he's there for?

0:03:490:03:51

"Stick to talking about gays and women!"

0:03:510:03:53

DELAYED LAUGHTER

0:03:530:03:57

"Stop interfering in politics! Oooh!"

0:03:570:03:59

I don't know who this is an impression of at the moment.

0:03:590:04:03

It's not Alan Bennett - that we know!

0:04:030:04:06

Regarding the NHS health reforms, David Cameron said he was going to pause, engage,

0:04:060:04:12

reflect and listen.

0:04:120:04:13

I do the same thing when I'm on the toilet.

0:04:130:04:15

You might be able to help me out with this question, then.

0:04:190:04:23

-Anything for YOU, Jo.

-Ooh!

0:04:230:04:25

I'm so glad we're back on that footing already, Reg.

0:04:250:04:29

-Having paused...

-Would you like the rest of us to leave?

0:04:290:04:32

-Me and Reg...

-If you think that gon' help.

0:04:320:04:36

Me and Reg would like the rest of you to WATCH.

0:04:360:04:40

Now I can't get it out of my head.

0:04:450:04:47

It's gone. It's gone.

0:04:480:04:50

Anyway, having paused, engaged, reflected and listened for two months now,

0:04:500:04:53

what's he gone and done?

0:04:530:04:55

He's decided to re-write the whole reform package.

0:04:550:04:59

He's changed quite a lot of it and the man who wrote it - poor old Lansley - has been hung out to dry.

0:04:590:05:04

He says he's unveiled five pledges concerning the NHS.

0:05:040:05:09

-Anyone know what they are?

-Pledge one - it'll still be called the NHS.

0:05:090:05:13

No, his first pledge about the NHS was...

0:05:130:05:15

..which is obviously reassuring. The others are a bit dull so I won't bother to read them.

0:05:190:05:24

They're not THAT dull. They're quite encouraging if you USE the service.

0:05:240:05:28

-Maybe it's just that dull people like them.

-Yeah.

0:05:280:05:31

I'm not being horrible. I love dullness. You should meet my husband.

0:05:340:05:38

Compared to him, Ian seems like the Great Bambino, whoever that is.

0:05:380:05:42

The Great Bambino?

0:05:420:05:44

-With the white tights and silvery waistcoat?

-I've no idea, I just made him up.

0:05:470:05:52

-I did, too. I made him flesh to the figure.

-Yes.

0:05:520:05:56

-He told NHS workers...

-The Great Bambino did?

0:05:560:05:59

I thought he was a fictional character. Now he's advising the government on the NHS?

0:05:590:06:04

Politics moves quickly in this country!

0:06:040:06:07

He'll be Prime Minister next!

0:06:070:06:09

You're right - it was Cameron. ..told NHS workers at University College Hospital, London

0:06:090:06:13

that he learnt a lot during the pause. What has he learnt?

0:06:130:06:17

That it's going to be OK privatising NHS, cos he did a bang-up job with the trains.

0:06:170:06:23

He's learnt that he wants to keep his targets. Isn't that one of his other things?

0:06:240:06:28

-People actually like that fact...

-Yes.

-..it's only 18 weeks waiting...

-Oh, indeed.

-..before you...

0:06:280:06:35

Die.

0:06:350:06:36

To find out if you're pregnant?

0:06:370:06:40

18 weeks to find out.

0:06:420:06:44

What did Andrew Lansley - the minister responsible for the proposals - say this week?

0:06:440:06:50

Was he pausing and looking and learning and reflecting?

0:06:500:06:53

No, he's actually...

0:06:530:06:54

..which will be...

0:06:550:06:57

Jo, you're quite familiar with the workers of the NHS,

0:07:020:07:07

-having co-written and starred in...

-Having pretended to be a nurse.

0:07:070:07:10

-You get picked as a nurse quite a lot, don't you?

-It's because I'm fat. It's as simple as that.

0:07:100:07:15

I'll have to give it a quick mention again. ..in Getting On.

0:07:150:07:19

-Yes.

-Set in a medical ward for the elderly.

-Are we allowed to do product placement?

0:07:190:07:24

It's not a product, Ian, it's a work of art.

0:07:240:07:26

APPLAUSE

0:07:280:07:32

Didn't you win a BAFTA recently for Best Female Comedy Performance?

0:07:320:07:36

Oh, no, sorry, that was me.

0:07:360:07:38

APPLAUSE

0:07:380:07:41

-Sorry.

-Forgiven!

0:07:410:07:42

Before we leave the NHS behind, can we please have a look at a man

0:07:420:07:47

who, negotiating some steps outside the Savoy Hotel in London,

0:07:470:07:50

was lucky not to end up in A&E?

0:07:500:07:53

Oh, here we go...

0:07:550:07:57

-Ooh.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:07:570:07:59

I think he's going to hit that thing at the bottom.

0:07:590:08:02

He's going to hit that yellow thing. Go on...

0:08:020:08:05

And you're saying this is Boris Johnson?

0:08:080:08:11

Go on, hit the yellow thing, hit the yellow thing.

0:08:110:08:14

AUDIENCE GROAN AND CHEER

0:08:140:08:16

Don't worry, he was fine.

0:08:190:08:21

Shall we join him as he continues his journey home?

0:08:210:08:26

To put your minds at rest, I know you'll be worrying,

0:08:260:08:28

yes, he does fall over again.

0:08:280:08:30

He seems to be being chased by the Sun newspaper!

0:08:490:08:54

It's lowered his IQ so much, he's forgotten how to walk.

0:08:540:08:57

How does the Sun get the copyright on CCTV footage?

0:08:580:09:01

I expect it has a relationship with the police.

0:09:010:09:04

Or Satan.

0:09:040:09:07

They'll take that out.

0:09:070:09:09

Back to politics. Where else has the government made a U-turn this week?

0:09:100:09:15

-Sentencing?

-Indeed. Please enlarge.

0:09:150:09:18

-Um, they were going...

-LAUGHTER

0:09:180:09:20

Honestly! I...

0:09:220:09:23

Really, you're going to sit there

0:09:230:09:25

and act like you don't know what you did?!

0:09:250:09:27

APPLAUSE

0:09:300:09:31

Controversial changes to sentencing laws including halving sentences in return for a guilty plea...

0:09:310:09:37

-Yes.

-..are to be shelved

0:09:370:09:39

after a meeting between David Cameron and Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke.

0:09:390:09:43

The suspicion is that it's cos it costs a lot of money,

0:09:430:09:47

to keep people in prison.

0:09:470:09:48

And so, um, people thought "Why should we just go and have justice on the cheap?"

0:09:480:09:53

So Cameron's changed his mind. People didn't like it.

0:09:530:09:56

And Ed Miliband said, in the Commons, "You've changed your mind.

0:09:560:10:01

"And quite right, cos I didn't agree either."

0:10:010:10:03

Which is an amazing debating point.

0:10:030:10:06

Well, he did accuse David Cameron of overseeing...

0:10:070:10:11

To be honest, he's not wrong.

0:10:120:10:14

Jedward's dad!

0:10:160:10:18

The one that I'm confused about is the one where they're hammering down in the dawn raid.

0:10:200:10:25

-Yeah, that's a rather silly story.

-Yeah?

0:10:250:10:27

The police went round to smash into someone's flat in London,

0:10:270:10:31

and Boris decided to go as well.

0:10:310:10:33

DCI Johnson!

0:10:330:10:34

He's got his own series.

0:10:350:10:37

-Do you want to...

-A maverick cop, with a slightly dodgy private life.

0:10:370:10:42

-He cycles, that's the...

-He cycles! Oh, that's brilliant.

0:10:430:10:46

"I'd better do some house-to-house investigations. I might be some time...

0:10:460:10:50

-"Particularly number 43..."

-MUMBLES LIKE BORIS JOHNSON

0:10:500:10:53

Reg, would you like to see Boris doing a drug raid with the police?

0:10:530:10:58

-Yes, ma'am.

-Here we go.

0:10:580:11:00

PAUL LAUGHS

0:11:020:11:03

He went in, and there was a bloke in there who was being arrested.

0:11:050:11:08

He saw Boris and said, "What the f... are you doing here?!"

0:11:080:11:12

-"What the

-BLEEP

-are you doing here."

0:11:120:11:14

-I think that's what he said.

-I don't want to come across all Wayne Rooney.

0:11:140:11:18

Get yourself down Harley Street then, mate!

0:11:200:11:22

So, this is the NHS reforms.

0:11:270:11:29

There have also been reforms in Britain's policing.

0:11:290:11:32

The new National Crime Agency is replacing the much-maligned...

0:11:320:11:36

Which was, at least, an improvement on the Frivolous Organised Crime Agency.

0:11:380:11:43

The Serious Organised Crime Agency has listed various achievements in its defence, saying...

0:11:430:11:48

Though that's largely down to Charlie Sheen switching to heroin.

0:11:510:11:56

-Paul and Reg, here's yours.

-All right.

0:11:570:11:59

Right, this is, er... Oh, yes.

0:12:000:12:04

This is Wayne Rooney, and he's had a...

0:12:040:12:06

That's him before. That's how he used to be.

0:12:060:12:09

And um, that's... I don't know where that is.

0:12:090:12:12

-Oh, yeah.

-That's the cheap alternative when he was in Sly and the Family Stone.

0:12:160:12:20

It's about his hair transplant.

0:12:220:12:23

It may be a hair transplant. It looks a bit like crop circles.

0:12:230:12:26

Perhaps he's planting crops and growing a full head of wheat.

0:12:260:12:29

You're looking at me as if I'm mad, Reg.

0:12:290:12:32

He's growing wheat on his head so he can feed his children.

0:12:320:12:35

I'm looking at you like we ain't gon' win.

0:12:350:12:38

APPLAUSE

0:12:390:12:42

I'll revise my answer.

0:12:420:12:43

-This is Wayne Rooney, who this week had a hair transplant.

-Thank you.

0:12:430:12:47

-Do you know how the operation actually works?

-Yeah.

0:12:490:12:51

They find the hairs on his arse and pull 'em all the way through.

0:12:510:12:54

I knew it. I knew it.

0:12:560:12:59

He found a donor, but unfortunately, it was Bobby Charlton.

0:13:010:13:04

Apparently, what they do is dig out the hair follicles

0:13:050:13:09

from a place on his body where hair is still growing

0:13:090:13:11

-and stick them on his head.

-Exactly.

0:13:110:13:14

Jo, give us a point.

0:13:140:13:16

You've just got a point for that.

0:13:170:13:19

All right. Here, Reg. Here's another question for you.

0:13:190:13:23

Get this right, you might get another point.

0:13:230:13:25

How much did the operation apparently cost?

0:13:250:13:29

In the future, when you ask questions, can you leave out the sarcasm?

0:13:290:13:33

We're trying to win here!

0:13:380:13:40

You can do something about your tongue too!

0:13:430:13:46

A teacher's salary. 30,000.

0:13:480:13:51

30 grand. How did the news leak out that Wayne had had a weave?

0:13:510:13:55

He tweeted on Twitter.

0:13:550:13:58

He showed his bonce, his arse bonce, to the world.

0:13:580:14:01

His bum-head was displayed.

0:14:010:14:04

Indeed, he took a picture of the top of his head and put it on Twitter.

0:14:050:14:09

There he is, old bottom-nut.

0:14:090:14:11

Not bad, but he was actually trying to take a picture

0:14:120:14:15

of a dog having a shit.

0:14:150:14:16

What, in his car?!

0:14:180:14:19

And what did his message that accompanied the picture say?

0:14:210:14:25

"My head feel great, but my ass hurt a little bit."

0:14:250:14:28

APPLAUSE

0:14:310:14:33

I wish it had. It said -

0:14:330:14:35

Would you like to see what Wayne's head has looked like over the years?

0:14:380:14:42

Er, I think, on balance, probably yes.

0:14:420:14:44

REG: He don't need no hair there.

0:14:450:14:47

Oh, he needs hair there.

0:14:470:14:49

Yeah, boy.

0:14:490:14:51

Oh, it's coming back.

0:14:510:14:53

He needs some help.

0:14:530:14:54

That's an aerial shot, right?

0:14:590:15:01

How would you describe Wayne's old hairstyle?

0:15:030:15:06

Defunct? Gone?

0:15:060:15:09

Technically it's known as a widow's peak which usually,

0:15:090:15:12

for Wayne, is around 75.

0:15:120:15:13

-Who encouraged Wayne to start using Twitter?

-Ryan Giggs!

0:15:170:15:20

It must be!

0:15:240:15:26

You got to give us two for that one, baby.

0:15:280:15:30

-It don't matter if it ain't true!

-Rio Ferdinand.

0:15:300:15:34

It was Rio Ferdinand.

0:15:340:15:36

who actually recently came top of a survey to find the footballer

0:15:360:15:40

with the poorest vocabulary on Twitter.

0:15:400:15:42

What are the major commercial ramifications of Wayne's big decision?

0:15:420:15:48

-He's endorsed the person who does it.

-No.

0:15:480:15:51

His avatar on the brand new FIFA 12 football game will need to be altered,

0:15:510:15:56

as it features his old widow's peak.

0:15:560:15:58

I think if you look closer, in the background of that picture

0:15:580:16:02

you can just make out Ryan Giggs shagging his sister-in-law.

0:16:020:16:05

LAUGHTER

0:16:050:16:07

Which great big hairy thing gave up the ghost this week?

0:16:070:16:11

-Shrek. Shrek the sheep.

-Well done.

0:16:110:16:15

-In New Zealand.

-That's right.

0:16:150:16:17

He's been living on a ledge, very high up,

0:16:170:16:20

escaping the shearer for...decades.

0:16:200:16:23

-He ran away in 1998...

-Wow.

0:16:230:16:26

..and didn't come back for seven years,

0:16:260:16:28

by which time he looked like this...

0:16:280:16:30

JOANNA: Wayne Rooney!

0:16:380:16:40

That shot would be funnier if you reversed the image,

0:16:420:16:44

if you started out there and went in, that would be funnier.

0:16:440:16:47

REGINALD: This just in...

0:16:470:16:48

LAUGHTER

0:16:500:16:52

There we go.

0:16:580:16:59

This is Wayne Rooney, who this week, admitted to having a hair transplant.

0:16:590:17:02

If you don't want to see the result, look away now.

0:17:020:17:05

The Express explained the transplant technique, saying...

0:17:060:17:09

Though in Wayne's case, they were taken from his palms.

0:17:120:17:15

LAUGHTER

0:17:150:17:17

Rooney's earned the ridicule of his Manchester United team-mates this week,

0:17:170:17:22

after a humiliating photograph appeared in the tabloids

0:17:220:17:25

of him on holiday...

0:17:250:17:26

with his wife.

0:17:260:17:27

LAUGHTER

0:17:290:17:31

And so, to round two,

0:17:330:17:35

the Strengthometer of news.

0:17:350:17:37

Fingers on buzzers, ready? Here's the first one

0:17:370:17:41

This is Prince Philip, obviously his 90th birthday coming up

0:17:450:17:49

and there he is, um...

0:17:490:17:50

-REGINALD: Describing the first time he met a black dude.

-Yeah.

0:17:500:17:54

Indeed. Now, Philip's birthday was obviously an opportunity for the papers to look back over his life,

0:17:540:18:00

shall we have a Philip's Facts And Foul-Ups quiz?

0:18:000:18:03

Oh... Yes, yes!

0:18:030:18:05

Yeah, great, fantastic(!) Woo(!)

0:18:050:18:07

It's like you can read our souls.

0:18:070:18:10

"Arseholes", Reg.

0:18:100:18:13

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:130:18:18

How did Philip describe China to his hosts while on a tour of the country?

0:18:180:18:21

BUZZER JOANNA: Ghastly.

0:18:210:18:23

Correct. Well done.

0:18:230:18:26

APPLAUSE

0:18:260:18:29

And what did he say to the MP for Stoke-on-Trent

0:18:290:18:32

whilst on a tour of the city?

0:18:320:18:33

He told her it was...

0:18:330:18:35

-BUZZER

-Ghastly.

0:18:350:18:37

He did.

0:18:370:18:39

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:390:18:41

What did he ask Lord Taylor of Warwick,

0:18:430:18:45

whose parents happen to be Jamaican. He asked...

0:18:450:18:48

Can you say a sentence with "ghastly" in it?

0:18:480:18:52

-Where do you come from?

-Yes, that's almost right. He said...

0:18:520:18:55

To which Lord Taylor replied...

0:18:590:19:01

-And now, oddly, Lord Taylor's at Her Majesty's pleasure.

-He is indeed.

0:19:050:19:09

-You visited him?

-Yeah.

0:19:090:19:10

I visited quite a lot of prison. Erm...

0:19:100:19:13

Last time I went to Wormwood Scrubs,

0:19:130:19:15

erm, I was having lunch there

0:19:150:19:18

and one of the old lags said to me,

0:19:180:19:20

"Prison nowadays, I mean it's so soft, it's not a deterrent.

0:19:200:19:24

"When I started, THEN it was a real deterrent."

0:19:240:19:28

True story.

0:19:320:19:33

APPLAUSE

0:19:330:19:35

On meeting the President of Nigeria,

0:19:370:19:39

who was dressed in traditional robes,

0:19:390:19:41

-BUZZER

-what compliment did the Duke pay him?

0:19:410:19:43

Are you a woman?

0:19:430:19:44

Sadly not.

0:19:440:19:46

-BUZZER

-No!

0:19:460:19:47

-Are you just about to go to bed? Are you wearing your pyjamas..

-He did, he said...

0:19:470:19:51

Compliment from the Duke!

0:19:570:20:00

What did Philip say to the Queen following the Coronation...?

0:20:000:20:04

-BUZZER

-Where did you get that hat?

-Yes!

0:20:040:20:07

One I remembered.

0:20:110:20:13

What a lot of people don't know is what he said next.

0:20:150:20:18

It is ghastly!

0:20:180:20:20

In other Royal news, what was Camilla up to this week?

0:20:220:20:25

BELL

0:20:250:20:27

Ian?

0:20:270:20:28

I don't know.

0:20:280:20:30

She was actually meeting another Camilla.

0:20:300:20:33

REPORTER: And then Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall,

0:20:330:20:36

met Camilla, the dog.

0:20:360:20:38

Very nice to meet you.

0:20:380:20:41

I said, "We named her after you,

0:20:410:20:44

"because it's such a beautiful name."

0:20:440:20:46

"She said, "Oh, thank you." She was overwhelmed, I think.

0:20:460:20:49

This week was Prince Philip's 90th birthday.

0:20:530:20:58

According to the Express, Prince Philip speaks fluent German and French.

0:20:580:21:02

And Chinese.

0:21:020:21:03

Well, he can do the eyes.

0:21:030:21:06

Now, here we go again.

0:21:060:21:08

How many different ways are there of doing this?

0:21:080:21:11

Fingers on buzzers.

0:21:110:21:13

BUZZER

0:21:150:21:17

That's Naomi Campbell, and she's been in the news...

0:21:170:21:20

Cadbury's chocolate put up an advert for some sort of chocolate bar

0:21:200:21:24

that said, "Move over, Naomi, there's another diva in town",

0:21:240:21:30

something like that was the slogan,

0:21:300:21:31

and this was taken as a racial insult

0:21:310:21:33

because some black people feel to be associated with chocolate

0:21:330:21:37

is a reference to their skin.

0:21:370:21:38

This is the second or third time Cadbury's have done this in the last two or three years,

0:21:380:21:42

so it's either they are completely ignorant of what they're doing

0:21:420:21:46

or they bring this story up once in a while so people can mention Cadbury's on TV.

0:21:460:21:49

When you look at the things that black people have been called over the decades,

0:21:490:21:54

how you gon' get mad about being called chocolate?

0:21:540:21:58

I mean, you like chocolate when black people ain't involved.

0:21:580:22:01

You chew chocolate, you suck on it and you think it's good.

0:22:010:22:04

And then, you know... It's kind of a compliment, really.

0:22:040:22:07

It'd be different if there was, like, a poo,

0:22:070:22:10

and then they say...

0:22:100:22:12

"Move over, black people". Now, that's offensive.

0:22:120:22:15

But it was a piece of chocolate.

0:22:150:22:17

I'm not saying it's not a problem.

0:22:170:22:20

I'm just saying, we've got bigger ones if it is.

0:22:200:22:24

Klu Klux Klan rather than Kit Kat.

0:22:240:22:25

LAUGHTER

0:22:280:22:30

If I run for Prime Minister, I want you to head my campaign.

0:22:320:22:35

I would consider it an honour.

0:22:350:22:37

I can see a poster with my face and the words, "Why not?"

0:22:390:22:44

Cadbury claimed the campaign was...

0:22:470:22:49

The social pretensions?

0:22:520:22:55

-I was at a party...

-Yeah?

-..when one of them Cadbury things was there,

0:22:550:22:58

and it was up its own ass!

0:22:580:23:00

According to the Times, Cadbury claimed the advert...

0:23:020:23:09

Convinced by that, Reg?

0:23:090:23:10

Yeah, I'm...I'm sure when I go back and sit with the black committee

0:23:100:23:15

they will be satisfied.

0:23:150:23:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:160:23:19

I've never heard of a Bliss bar. Have you? Anybody?

0:23:190:23:22

-Are they new?

-Ah, you may have hit on the very reason why we're hearing this story.

0:23:220:23:27

Apparently when you eat it, it tastes so good, you go, "Mmm!

0:23:270:23:31

"Black people!"

0:23:310:23:34

OK...

0:23:360:23:38

The ad features a chocolate bar lying on a bed of diamonds.

0:23:380:23:42

Clearly even a year on, Naomi's a bit sensitive

0:23:420:23:44

about anything that refers to diamonds and lying.

0:23:440:23:48

The advert made Naomi Campbell furious,

0:23:500:23:52

but to be fair, she gets furious

0:23:520:23:54

when she doesn't have water from a glacial stream in the Andes pipetted into her mouth

0:23:540:23:59

by a Norwegian midget.

0:23:590:24:00

Time now for the missing words round,

0:24:000:24:03

which this week features as its guest publication

0:24:030:24:05

Epitaphs, the magazine for and by cemetery lovers.

0:24:050:24:09

And we'll start with...

0:24:090:24:12

Start a fire.

0:24:170:24:18

-REGINALD: Have sex.

-Have sex?

0:24:180:24:21

Bob and Rusty?

0:24:210:24:22

Is it, steal bodies and sell them for medical research?

0:24:220:24:26

No, even though they are.

0:24:270:24:29

No, the answer is...

0:24:290:24:32

Talking about their local graveyard, Rusty says...

0:24:320:24:35

Sadly, the only unmarked grave in the cemetery!

0:24:380:24:41

And the next one...

0:24:440:24:47

That's not Saturn out the window,

0:24:470:24:49

it's a reflection of a ping-pong ball on top of the wardrobe.

0:24:490:24:52

REG: That's not cemetery etiquette,

0:24:530:24:55

it's ghastly!

0:24:550:24:58

Yeah, absolutely.

0:24:590:25:01

Well, it's...

0:25:010:25:03

MI6 hacked into an al-Qaeda website and replaced instructions on how to make a bomb

0:25:050:25:10

with a recipe for cupcakes.

0:25:100:25:12

That's not a bomb, that's a cupcake -

0:25:120:25:15

probably Mr Kipling's least successful advertising campaign. Next.

0:25:150:25:20

Greek, isn't it? Taphophiles - people who love graves. Grave-lovers.

0:25:230:25:26

Yes, you are along the right lines.

0:25:260:25:28

And they ARE people who like graves.

0:25:310:25:33

-Um...

-I didn't know rabbits could do maths!

0:25:330:25:36

Have you ever heard of rabbits doing maths?

0:25:360:25:39

This is an article about the kind of people who like wandering around cemeteries,

0:25:410:25:46

and who are also known as...

0:25:460:25:48

..who share their name with one of Ann Summers' less marketable products.

0:25:480:25:52

Next.

0:25:530:25:55

Um...rare.

0:25:580:26:00

Herr Ha-ha.

0:26:000:26:02

I think, Ian, you're near enough to it.

0:26:040:26:06

There's some survey that said that ranking countries by how funny they are, the Germans came bottom.

0:26:060:26:11

That's the right answer - there isn't one, apparently!

0:26:110:26:15

But it was voted for largely by countries who the Germans had invaded at some stage.

0:26:150:26:19

The Germans are not a funny race. "Knock, knock." "Who's there?"

0:26:190:26:23

"The Gestapo." That's it.

0:26:230:26:25

We're going to have the German Ambassador complaining to this programme again.

0:26:270:26:33

Has he complained before?

0:26:330:26:35

He has complained repeatedly about how this panel is stuck in the Second World War.

0:26:350:26:39

It's our only reference, it's the only thing we ever think about German.

0:26:390:26:43

"It's the Gestapo AGAIN."

0:26:430:26:45

No sense of humour, you see.

0:26:450:26:47

-MOCK GERMAN ACCENT:

-For you, Ambassador, the joke is over.

0:26:510:26:55

So, the final scores -

0:27:010:27:02

we've got to that point - are

0:27:020:27:05

Ian and Jo 4, and Paul and Reg... Ooh, they've run away with it,

0:27:050:27:09

-and have 7.

-Well done!

0:27:090:27:12

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Joanna Scanlan,

0:27:170:27:22

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter,

0:27:220:27:25

and I leave you with the news that there are suspicions that Government cutbacks

0:27:250:27:29

are affecting the Metropolitan Police's Rapid Response Unit...

0:27:290:27:34

At his 90th birthday party, Prince Philip asked the Bishop of Durham, "Did you spill my pint?"

0:27:360:27:41

And Disney admits it was a mistake to hire Quentin Tarantino

0:27:460:27:50

to direct the new Winnie The Pooh movie...

0:27:500:27:53

Good night!

0:27:590:28:01

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:260:28:30

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:300:28:34