Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You? I'm Jo Brand. In the

news this week... While watching the Tory Conference on TV, one

viewer is surprised to get a Police admit they should have

reacted more forcefully after Colonel Gaddafi is discovered

living in a bedsit in Sheffield. What we will do is, we will keep on

calling over the next few weeks, just to see what you're up to.

after drowning his sorrows at a depressing Labour Party conference,

Alistair Darling decides it is time On Ian's team tonight is... A

writer with a well-known love for the English language, who says... I

And with Paul tonight is... A comedy writer who in the past has

declared, most people think a show is made up by the cast as they go

along. Oh, dear, I have not been given a punchline for that one.

Shall we play a game of fox or cat? You get the first go. That is the

best game I have ever played. not understand it. It's landed on

fox here's your foxy footage. are looking for the mystery man. Is

this a new game, where is Werritty? You get a huge picture, and you

have to guess, he's the tall one who has not got a proper pass.

course, it relates to the close friendship between Liam Fox and

Adam Werritty. And they are close, there is no denying it. Let's have

a look at Liam Fox. They're very close shall we have a look at Liam

Fox? Oh, and look, there's Adam Werritty. Here's Liam Fox again. Oh,

and there's Adam again. And here's Liam Fox again. And who's that with

him? Oh. It's his wife. So where's Adam? There he is! You say that is

his wife, it could be a cut-out of her head, stuck on his shoulder.

The press have been making of the fact that he's 17 years younger, he

shared a house with him, and he got him a job. But by the time this

goes out, he may not be in a job any more, because printers said he

has got his full support. This is the Defence Secretary. Is a British

to be upset about possible corruption? Because, most of the

time, what Liam Fox is doing is making sure that weapons and guns

go all round the world. Usually we then decide five minutes later that

they are evil and we have to go and from them. That's not his actual

job remit. But it turns out he has taken this friend out to a steak

house, that's the moral problem. It is like finding out Peter Sutcliffe

has a parking ticket. I suppose one of the BRIAN MOORE: Problems is

that the new Prime Minister came in and said, it is a real problem in

the previous government, lobbying, we're going to sort it out.

And so, in the biggest Ministry, with the biggest budget, there's a

bloke there and no-one knows who he is! So Werritty turns up, and

there's a American general, and he says, have you met Adam Werritty?

He is not vetted biosecurity, would you like to tell him everything

about your job? Yes, fine, that would be super. You said four-star

American general, is that one of those American restaurants? Let's

have a look at his card. It looks quite posh. He has not thought this

through, because he has crossed out Sunday strangely tried to get some

speculation going about their relationship. It got right to the

heart of the matter... Here's Begin evidence. To be fair, they are at a

wedding. Let's try this one. what are they doing there? That is

a bit weird. What did Liam Fox actually do when the issue hit the

headlines? He demanded an immediate inquiry into what he had been doing.

If he found out that anyone doing had occurred, he would be the first

to know about it, and he would be extremely disappointed if that was

the case. He used a curious phrase in the House of Commons when he was

asked if Werritty had made any money. Yes, he denied there was any

transaction or behaviour. People do not use language like that if they

have got something to hide. That is a weird thing to say. Are you

suggesting that the Defence Secretary has something to hide?

Why do you keep saying that, that's obviously what we are all

suggesting. I'm shocked. He did one of those brilliant apologies which

politicians do. He said, mistakes were made. By whom? You at all.? It

is a brilliant use of the passive. An impression of wrong doing. Funny,

you get that impression! This is my impression of wrong doing. That's

really good! Do you know where Adam Werritty was living rent-free in

2002? He was living in Liam Fox's flat. He was, funded almost

entirely out of Liam Fox's in the expenses as an MP. It is worth

reminding ourselves that in order to renovate this flat, Liam Fox

upped the mortgage on it by �180,000, and then he upped his

expenses claims to cover it. Which means that in a way, you and I were

paying for Adam Werritty's accommodation. What a nice thought.

Let's go to Dubai. What did Liam Fox say about how the meeting had

come about? He said it came about by accident. He said, we both

happened to be arriving in Dubai. As luck would have it, Werritty

happened to be in a restaurant and the American businessman happened

to be on the next table. That was lucky, wasn't it? Here's the

American businessman concerned, Harvey Boulter. He has got a nice

pair of big, yellow trousers on. That's the kind of guy you just

know he's a really nice guy. Ladies in bikini is do not just trust

anybody. They're not ladies in bikinis, they're special advisers!

What did Adam Werritty have regular access to? You can take that any

way you want. Is that the answer? Access to his diary. So, when he

was returning home from all war- zone, Mr Werritty knew where he

would be. You would think, if he had access to his diary, he would

be able to plan ahead a bit more, rather than relying on chance. Yes,

- and the only bit of Fox News worth watching. As speculation grew

over the nature of Liam Fox's relationship with Adam Werritty,

The Guardian reported that support from backbenchers had been...

That's from their new political correspondent, Julian Clary.

According to BBC News... Either that or his wife had just come home

early. Liam Fox is no stranger to controversy. He was once forced to

make a public apology after describing the Spice Girls as... It

was then that he realised, to keep him out of trouble, what he really

needed was an advisor. Paul and Graham, you get the next spin.

CHEERING Somebody cheered, you're easily pleased! So we've got the

cat, that was the one option left. So this is the cat that didn't bark

in the night. Theresa May said, "I'm not making this up," then said

something that was made up. Shall we take a look at this then.

we're supposed to talk, aren't we? Oh, yeah! LAUGHTER I'm so in to

silent film I thought it was one I hadn't seen! There's Charlie

Chaplin, oh no, it's not him. Cat coming through the door. I see.

Think we covered that! Yeah, well done! Well done, I drifted off

completely. So it's the cat she made up that wasn't made up that

she did make up. The cat didn't want to emigrate and someone found

out it had a job as a window cleaner, but it spoke fluent

Bulgarian and was allowed to stay. I'm not making this up! What's the

cat's name, do you know? William Johnson. The cat's name is Maya.

That's right. It's a bit like Theresa May, which is one of those

coincidences that Mr Fox would appreciate. There's a televis Dr

Fox's Mysterious World. Fantastic Mr Fox! The Underwater

World With Adam Werritty. Bob-bob- bob! What does the whole situation

prove? That when politicians make things up, they shouldn't say, "And

I'm not making this up." What do you want to know about this cat?

Yeah, what do you want to know?! Who are you?! I don't know. I think

we found that out earlier, I've got no idea. Why are you asking all

these questions? I only came in for a passport. I'm not standing for

this. How many years does it take to get a passport? I know a bloke

who could probably fix one! Do I have to travel under the name of

Adam Werritty? I don't mind, I've done worse. Have you? No. I didn't

think so. I haven't got the nerve. Personally, I was relieved to hear

a cat was a sign of having a settled family life. I wish someone

would tell my mother that. Theresa May used it to illustrate the sorry

state of justice in this country. In front of a home Tory audience

she said, "You know, there was a Bolivian student immigrant who was

allowed to stay just because of his cat." Ken Clarke was in the

audience and no-one's told him the etiquette of being in the Tory

party because he said, "Childish rubbish!" Which was considered very

bad form, so then they had this argument. And who was proved right?

In the original case, the cat was brought up, it was a Bolivian

student who was caught shoplifting and cautioned. When he appealed to

stay, one of the things they said was that he had a cat, he and his

partner but it wasn't the main reason. So the truth was as evernot

there. But the funny thing was Chris Huhne who is also meant to be

in the Cabinet, rang up the Guardian and said, "She got this

speech from Nigel Farrage, the bloke at UKIP, he made the same

speech." But when he pressed the button on his phone, it went public

so everyone knew he'd try to shop his Cabinet colleague. That wasn't

a text, that was Twitter. Someone tweeted it and it said, "I don't

want my fingerprints anywhere near this." So what's the button you

press wrong? Send! He was trying to send what's called a direct message

that no-one else can see. It's like CC-ing everyone in the world on an

email. I hate everybody. Aargh! shall we have a look at Theresa

May? Yes, why not? I insist on it. ..Who cannot be moved because he

has a girlfriend. The illegal immigrant who cannot be deported

because, and I am not making this up, because he had a pet cat. Let's

Under the Human Rights Act, he claimed that he should not be

deported because, and I really am not making this up, because he had

a pet cat. The brilliant thing about Farage is that when he told

the story, he managed to get the nationality of the guy wrong, and

called him a Peruvian, and then turned him into a murderer! Rather

than a shoplifter! A Bolivian shoplifter becomes a Peruvian

murderer?! Who, come on, who intervened to smooth things over?

Lionel Blair! Was it Tony Blair? it wasn't. Did he step in and solve

it and then make 3 million quid on the way? That's who I meant, not

Lionel Blair! No, it was Nick Clegg, he said both sides were right. Do

you know how Camilo came to the attention of the immigration

authorities in the first place? shoplifted...a cat. Actually, well,

not a real one. He nicked a knickknack. A ceramic cat? He's got

a collection of cat toys? Oh, no, he's one of those people that likes

cat calendars and cat memorabilia, they should deport him. Do you know

where they live? Catford. Actually, Elephant and Castle, poor

bastards. Staying with catty comments, let's talk about retail

guru and adviser to David Cameron, Mary Portas. She said something

very rude in a magazine interview about Tory female ministers, do you

know what it was? They're all ugly, And of course they don't allow this

sort of sexist attitude towards women in Ed Miliband's Labour Party,

do they? Anyone know what they've called the new influx of women into

Ed's new Shadow Cabinet? The Mili- tarts or something?

LAUGHTER. Something like that. Ed Miliband's

Bunch of Rough Prostitutes? Trollops and strumpets, every one

of them! It's Millie's Fillies. That's hideous, isn't it? This is

the story, and I'm not making this up, about two Cabinet ministers

arguing over a cat. Asked about the relationship between Ken Clarke and

Theresa May, one senior Tory said, "They hate each other". Blimey, two

Tory MPs I agree with. Mary Portas, self-crowned Queen of Shops, has

attacked the fashion sense of the four female ministers in the

Yeah, sod the budget deficit, let's find a nice push-up bra for

Baroness Warsi. Mary Portas was recently appointed a Downing Street

adviser on Britain's retail industry. Yes, you heard that right,

Mary Portas is an official Government adviser. Yet another

kick in the teeth for Adam Werritty. And so to the Picture Spin Quiz.

The clue is the ferry, this is the English rugby team coming back from

their not very happy World Cup. This is a member of the team

deciding the best way to celebrate being knocked out was to jump off

the ferry and swim to the pontoon, I guess it's called. It's another

story in a rather disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.

Do you know the name of the guy who jumped off the ferry? No. It starts

with M. And it sounds a bit New Zealand-y. (IN NEW ZEALAND ACCENT)

Michael. My name's Michael. That's terrible! His name's actually Manu

Tuilagi. Do you know what the repercussions were? He met David

Walliams? He was detained by New Zealand police and fined three

grand by the Rugby Football Union, and the ferry company condemned the

stupid stunt. At least, I think that's what they said. England

coach Martin Johnson also said he had been "disciplined internally".

And the biggest scandal involved Zara Phillips' new hubby Mike

Tindall, of course. What did he get up to? Nothing. But that's not what

it looked like on the suspicious footage. Let's just have a look at

a picture of him and see what you think. She could be inflating him.

Do you know what was noteworthy about the venue that evening?

was a bar where the entertainment is dwarf throwing. That's correct,

it was their Mad Midget Weekender. And I'm not making it up! What did

the bar manager, Rich Dean, have to say about it? "We're open every

Monday". He actually insisted the England squad were impeccably

behaved. How can you be badly behaved at a midget throwing bar?

You refuse to throw a midget, I Tell that to the little people,

Rich. Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an

old flame. Old flame, of course, meaning ex-girlfriend, not

something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week, and the

four are: Agatha Christie, wheelchair rioter David Knott,

Kirsty Young, and Sir Cliff Richard. Only Agatha Christie is dead.

that it? (GRAHAM) That's why you buzzed?! Do you think it would be

that simple? It might be. It isn't. Agatha Christie was a keen

windsurfer. It's not windsurfing, it's surfing. Surfing. Did the

rioter use his stolen television as a surfboard? No. Think about what

you do when you're surfing. You're riding the wave.

SILENCE, THEN LAUGHTER. I'm going to give you a clue that would befit

seven-year-olds. Do you sit down when you're surfing? You stand up.

You stand up on a surfboard... seems like a very cruel Odd One

Out! They all stand up to do their job. Kirsty stands, Sir Cliff sings

standing up. Agatha Christie wrote standing up. Yes! On a surfboard!

He stole stuff sitting down. That is pretty much it!

APPLAUSE. So, the odd one out is, in fact, David Knott, the

wheelchair rioter who, during the riots this summer, was confined to

a wheelchair because of a broken leg, but still managed to get

caught on camera stealing a TV from Argos. Shocking, isn't it? Who the

hell would want an Alba telly? Sorry, is the connection that they

can all stand up apart from the man in the wheelchair?! No, no...

LAUGHTER. No! It's slightly more complex. I hope so! I'll tell you

in a minute. Agatha Christie, according to a new book, may have

been among the first Britons to learn how to surf standing up.

Shall we have a look at her with her board? Fred, is that the name

of the board? That's not something she stole from the cemetery, is it?

The bit you can't see, "May he rest in peace". She must have been a

really good surfer to surf on a tombstone! That's how Fred drowned

in the first place! And Kirsty Young in 1997 became the first

British newsreader to read the news standing up. Cliff Richard this

There's one other thing Cliff does to avoid curvature of the spine. He

Yes, it's all about posture, Cliff. Back straight, toothbrush held

firmly in one hand, teeth held firmly in the other.

LAUGHTER. He has got a sexy calendar out this Christmas. Do you

know what sort of poses it includes? Topless. In January, he's

hugging a dolphin. In April, he's caressing a horse. In October, he's

stabbing a camel. LAUGHTER. TS Eliot said it was the

cruellest month. LAUGHTER. Cliff is currently

promoting his 2012 calendar. He Because no-one can tell where the

jacket stops and the neck begins. Time now for the Missing Words

round, which this week features as its guest publication The Telegraph

Pole Appreciation Society newsletter. They don't do pylons,

they're not perverts! We start Poles? Drunk? Hungover? (GRAHAM)

Lost. Bribed. (GRAHAM) Hot? Robbed? (VICTORIA) Cheating? Cranky?

Unified under Bismarck? I would love "unified under Bismarck" to be

In drugs tests after the 1966 World Cup final, three Germans gave

samples that revealed traces of a drug from a cold remedy, while

Bobby Charlton's sample revealed suspiciously high levels of hair

It might be a bit long, but is it LAUGHTER. Is it a picture of

Michael Winner smoking a cigar? Triumphantly on the set of his

latest film. "Looks great!". Is it art? Is it a telegraph pole?

Getting hot in here? Let's have a look and see what you think.

couldn't be poo because the trajectory is wrong. I'm no

That cartoon of Mohammed? Don't broadcast that! That's just for us.

No, just for you, just for you! LAUGHTER. A group of Finnish

lawyers have suggested new EU sexual harassment laws should cover

women eating ice creams provocatively in front of male

colleagues. I wouldn't do that, I always make sure I'm alone before I

open my Mivvi. LAUGHTER.

Do you get a 99 with that? Telegraph pole! Heart attack!

Doughnut! Not far off. Doughnuts. Jam! Jam tomorrow. Jam today? Cake?

Gateaux. Cake, ordinary cake. "Today doughnut, tomorrow ordinary

cake?" Who would put that on a poster?! "Take the cherry off that

cake, I want it ordinary!". going to have to tell you, it's,

"Tomorrow, muffin". The final scores are Ian and

Victoria have six, Paul and Graham, though, have seven.

We had to lose, sorry. Before we go, just time for the

Caption Competition. LAUGHTER. Fancy meeting you in Sri

Lanka! And I leave you with news that

moments before receiving his knighthood, there's some last-

minute preparation for Sir Bruce Forsyth.

LAUGHTER. In New Zealand, as the England

rugby team are again accused of sexual harassment, the victim tries

to avoid the paparazzi. LAUGHTER.