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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You? I'm Jo Brand. In the
news this week... While watching the Tory Conference on TV, one
viewer is surprised to get a Police admit they should have
reacted more forcefully after Colonel Gaddafi is discovered
living in a bedsit in Sheffield. What we will do is, we will keep on
calling over the next few weeks, just to see what you're up to.
after drowning his sorrows at a depressing Labour Party conference,
Alistair Darling decides it is time On Ian's team tonight is... A
writer with a well-known love for the English language, who says... I
And with Paul tonight is... A comedy writer who in the past has
declared, most people think a show is made up by the cast as they go
along. Oh, dear, I have not been given a punchline for that one.
Shall we play a game of fox or cat? You get the first go. That is the
best game I have ever played. not understand it. It's landed on
fox here's your foxy footage. are looking for the mystery man. Is
this a new game, where is Werritty? You get a huge picture, and you
have to guess, he's the tall one who has not got a proper pass.
course, it relates to the close friendship between Liam Fox and
Adam Werritty. And they are close, there is no denying it. Let's have
a look at Liam Fox. They're very close shall we have a look at Liam
Fox? Oh, and look, there's Adam Werritty. Here's Liam Fox again. Oh,
and there's Adam again. And here's Liam Fox again. And who's that with
him? Oh. It's his wife. So where's Adam? There he is! You say that is
his wife, it could be a cut-out of her head, stuck on his shoulder.
The press have been making of the fact that he's 17 years younger, he
shared a house with him, and he got him a job. But by the time this
goes out, he may not be in a job any more, because printers said he
has got his full support. This is the Defence Secretary. Is a British
to be upset about possible corruption? Because, most of the
time, what Liam Fox is doing is making sure that weapons and guns
go all round the world. Usually we then decide five minutes later that
they are evil and we have to go and from them. That's not his actual
job remit. But it turns out he has taken this friend out to a steak
house, that's the moral problem. It is like finding out Peter Sutcliffe
has a parking ticket. I suppose one of the BRIAN MOORE: Problems is
that the new Prime Minister came in and said, it is a real problem in
the previous government, lobbying, we're going to sort it out.
And so, in the biggest Ministry, with the biggest budget, there's a
bloke there and no-one knows who he is! So Werritty turns up, and
there's a American general, and he says, have you met Adam Werritty?
He is not vetted biosecurity, would you like to tell him everything
about your job? Yes, fine, that would be super. You said four-star
American general, is that one of those American restaurants? Let's
have a look at his card. It looks quite posh. He has not thought this
through, because he has crossed out Sunday strangely tried to get some
speculation going about their relationship. It got right to the
heart of the matter... Here's Begin evidence. To be fair, they are at a
wedding. Let's try this one. what are they doing there? That is
a bit weird. What did Liam Fox actually do when the issue hit the
headlines? He demanded an immediate inquiry into what he had been doing.
If he found out that anyone doing had occurred, he would be the first
to know about it, and he would be extremely disappointed if that was
the case. He used a curious phrase in the House of Commons when he was
asked if Werritty had made any money. Yes, he denied there was any
transaction or behaviour. People do not use language like that if they
have got something to hide. That is a weird thing to say. Are you
suggesting that the Defence Secretary has something to hide?
Why do you keep saying that, that's obviously what we are all
suggesting. I'm shocked. He did one of those brilliant apologies which
politicians do. He said, mistakes were made. By whom? You at all.? It
is a brilliant use of the passive. An impression of wrong doing. Funny,
you get that impression! This is my impression of wrong doing. That's
really good! Do you know where Adam Werritty was living rent-free in
2002? He was living in Liam Fox's flat. He was, funded almost
entirely out of Liam Fox's in the expenses as an MP. It is worth
reminding ourselves that in order to renovate this flat, Liam Fox
upped the mortgage on it by �180,000, and then he upped his
expenses claims to cover it. Which means that in a way, you and I were
paying for Adam Werritty's accommodation. What a nice thought.
Let's go to Dubai. What did Liam Fox say about how the meeting had
come about? He said it came about by accident. He said, we both
happened to be arriving in Dubai. As luck would have it, Werritty
happened to be in a restaurant and the American businessman happened
to be on the next table. That was lucky, wasn't it? Here's the
American businessman concerned, Harvey Boulter. He has got a nice
pair of big, yellow trousers on. That's the kind of guy you just
know he's a really nice guy. Ladies in bikini is do not just trust
anybody. They're not ladies in bikinis, they're special advisers!
What did Adam Werritty have regular access to? You can take that any
way you want. Is that the answer? Access to his diary. So, when he
was returning home from all war- zone, Mr Werritty knew where he
would be. You would think, if he had access to his diary, he would
be able to plan ahead a bit more, rather than relying on chance. Yes,
- and the only bit of Fox News worth watching. As speculation grew
over the nature of Liam Fox's relationship with Adam Werritty,
The Guardian reported that support from backbenchers had been...
That's from their new political correspondent, Julian Clary.
According to BBC News... Either that or his wife had just come home
early. Liam Fox is no stranger to controversy. He was once forced to
make a public apology after describing the Spice Girls as... It
was then that he realised, to keep him out of trouble, what he really
needed was an advisor. Paul and Graham, you get the next spin.
CHEERING Somebody cheered, you're easily pleased! So we've got the
cat, that was the one option left. So this is the cat that didn't bark
in the night. Theresa May said, "I'm not making this up," then said
something that was made up. Shall we take a look at this then.
we're supposed to talk, aren't we? Oh, yeah! LAUGHTER I'm so in to
silent film I thought it was one I hadn't seen! There's Charlie
Chaplin, oh no, it's not him. Cat coming through the door. I see.
Think we covered that! Yeah, well done! Well done, I drifted off
completely. So it's the cat she made up that wasn't made up that
she did make up. The cat didn't want to emigrate and someone found
out it had a job as a window cleaner, but it spoke fluent
Bulgarian and was allowed to stay. I'm not making this up! What's the
cat's name, do you know? William Johnson. The cat's name is Maya.
That's right. It's a bit like Theresa May, which is one of those
coincidences that Mr Fox would appreciate. There's a televis Dr
Fox's Mysterious World. Fantastic Mr Fox! The Underwater
World With Adam Werritty. Bob-bob- bob! What does the whole situation
prove? That when politicians make things up, they shouldn't say, "And
I'm not making this up." What do you want to know about this cat?
Yeah, what do you want to know?! Who are you?! I don't know. I think
we found that out earlier, I've got no idea. Why are you asking all
these questions? I only came in for a passport. I'm not standing for
this. How many years does it take to get a passport? I know a bloke
who could probably fix one! Do I have to travel under the name of
Adam Werritty? I don't mind, I've done worse. Have you? No. I didn't
think so. I haven't got the nerve. Personally, I was relieved to hear
a cat was a sign of having a settled family life. I wish someone
would tell my mother that. Theresa May used it to illustrate the sorry
state of justice in this country. In front of a home Tory audience
she said, "You know, there was a Bolivian student immigrant who was
allowed to stay just because of his cat." Ken Clarke was in the
audience and no-one's told him the etiquette of being in the Tory
party because he said, "Childish rubbish!" Which was considered very
bad form, so then they had this argument. And who was proved right?
In the original case, the cat was brought up, it was a Bolivian
student who was caught shoplifting and cautioned. When he appealed to
stay, one of the things they said was that he had a cat, he and his
partner but it wasn't the main reason. So the truth was as evernot
there. But the funny thing was Chris Huhne who is also meant to be
in the Cabinet, rang up the Guardian and said, "She got this
speech from Nigel Farrage, the bloke at UKIP, he made the same
speech." But when he pressed the button on his phone, it went public
so everyone knew he'd try to shop his Cabinet colleague. That wasn't
a text, that was Twitter. Someone tweeted it and it said, "I don't
want my fingerprints anywhere near this." So what's the button you
press wrong? Send! He was trying to send what's called a direct message
that no-one else can see. It's like CC-ing everyone in the world on an
email. I hate everybody. Aargh! shall we have a look at Theresa
May? Yes, why not? I insist on it. ..Who cannot be moved because he
has a girlfriend. The illegal immigrant who cannot be deported
because, and I am not making this up, because he had a pet cat. Let's
Under the Human Rights Act, he claimed that he should not be
deported because, and I really am not making this up, because he had
a pet cat. The brilliant thing about Farage is that when he told
the story, he managed to get the nationality of the guy wrong, and
called him a Peruvian, and then turned him into a murderer! Rather
than a shoplifter! A Bolivian shoplifter becomes a Peruvian
murderer?! Who, come on, who intervened to smooth things over?
Lionel Blair! Was it Tony Blair? it wasn't. Did he step in and solve
it and then make 3 million quid on the way? That's who I meant, not
Lionel Blair! No, it was Nick Clegg, he said both sides were right. Do
you know how Camilo came to the attention of the immigration
authorities in the first place? shoplifted...a cat. Actually, well,
not a real one. He nicked a knickknack. A ceramic cat? He's got
a collection of cat toys? Oh, no, he's one of those people that likes
cat calendars and cat memorabilia, they should deport him. Do you know
where they live? Catford. Actually, Elephant and Castle, poor
bastards. Staying with catty comments, let's talk about retail
guru and adviser to David Cameron, Mary Portas. She said something
very rude in a magazine interview about Tory female ministers, do you
know what it was? They're all ugly, And of course they don't allow this
sort of sexist attitude towards women in Ed Miliband's Labour Party,
do they? Anyone know what they've called the new influx of women into
Ed's new Shadow Cabinet? The Mili- tarts or something?
LAUGHTER. Something like that. Ed Miliband's
Bunch of Rough Prostitutes? Trollops and strumpets, every one
of them! It's Millie's Fillies. That's hideous, isn't it? This is
the story, and I'm not making this up, about two Cabinet ministers
arguing over a cat. Asked about the relationship between Ken Clarke and
Theresa May, one senior Tory said, "They hate each other". Blimey, two
Tory MPs I agree with. Mary Portas, self-crowned Queen of Shops, has
attacked the fashion sense of the four female ministers in the
Yeah, sod the budget deficit, let's find a nice push-up bra for
Baroness Warsi. Mary Portas was recently appointed a Downing Street
adviser on Britain's retail industry. Yes, you heard that right,
Mary Portas is an official Government adviser. Yet another
kick in the teeth for Adam Werritty. And so to the Picture Spin Quiz.
The clue is the ferry, this is the English rugby team coming back from
their not very happy World Cup. This is a member of the team
deciding the best way to celebrate being knocked out was to jump off
the ferry and swim to the pontoon, I guess it's called. It's another
story in a rather disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.
Do you know the name of the guy who jumped off the ferry? No. It starts
with M. And it sounds a bit New Zealand-y. (IN NEW ZEALAND ACCENT)
Michael. My name's Michael. That's terrible! His name's actually Manu
Tuilagi. Do you know what the repercussions were? He met David
Walliams? He was detained by New Zealand police and fined three
grand by the Rugby Football Union, and the ferry company condemned the
stupid stunt. At least, I think that's what they said. England
coach Martin Johnson also said he had been "disciplined internally".
And the biggest scandal involved Zara Phillips' new hubby Mike
Tindall, of course. What did he get up to? Nothing. But that's not what
it looked like on the suspicious footage. Let's just have a look at
a picture of him and see what you think. She could be inflating him.
Do you know what was noteworthy about the venue that evening?
was a bar where the entertainment is dwarf throwing. That's correct,
it was their Mad Midget Weekender. And I'm not making it up! What did
the bar manager, Rich Dean, have to say about it? "We're open every
Monday". He actually insisted the England squad were impeccably
behaved. How can you be badly behaved at a midget throwing bar?
You refuse to throw a midget, I Tell that to the little people,
Rich. Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an
old flame. Old flame, of course, meaning ex-girlfriend, not
something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.
Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week, and the
four are: Agatha Christie, wheelchair rioter David Knott,
Kirsty Young, and Sir Cliff Richard. Only Agatha Christie is dead.
that it? (GRAHAM) That's why you buzzed?! Do you think it would be
that simple? It might be. It isn't. Agatha Christie was a keen
windsurfer. It's not windsurfing, it's surfing. Surfing. Did the
rioter use his stolen television as a surfboard? No. Think about what
you do when you're surfing. You're riding the wave.
SILENCE, THEN LAUGHTER. I'm going to give you a clue that would befit
seven-year-olds. Do you sit down when you're surfing? You stand up.
You stand up on a surfboard... seems like a very cruel Odd One
Out! They all stand up to do their job. Kirsty stands, Sir Cliff sings
standing up. Agatha Christie wrote standing up. Yes! On a surfboard!
He stole stuff sitting down. That is pretty much it!
APPLAUSE. So, the odd one out is, in fact, David Knott, the
wheelchair rioter who, during the riots this summer, was confined to
a wheelchair because of a broken leg, but still managed to get
caught on camera stealing a TV from Argos. Shocking, isn't it? Who the
hell would want an Alba telly? Sorry, is the connection that they
can all stand up apart from the man in the wheelchair?! No, no...
LAUGHTER. No! It's slightly more complex. I hope so! I'll tell you
in a minute. Agatha Christie, according to a new book, may have
been among the first Britons to learn how to surf standing up.
Shall we have a look at her with her board? Fred, is that the name
of the board? That's not something she stole from the cemetery, is it?
The bit you can't see, "May he rest in peace". She must have been a
really good surfer to surf on a tombstone! That's how Fred drowned
in the first place! And Kirsty Young in 1997 became the first
British newsreader to read the news standing up. Cliff Richard this
There's one other thing Cliff does to avoid curvature of the spine. He
Yes, it's all about posture, Cliff. Back straight, toothbrush held
firmly in one hand, teeth held firmly in the other.
LAUGHTER. He has got a sexy calendar out this Christmas. Do you
know what sort of poses it includes? Topless. In January, he's
hugging a dolphin. In April, he's caressing a horse. In October, he's
stabbing a camel. LAUGHTER. TS Eliot said it was the
cruellest month. LAUGHTER. Cliff is currently
promoting his 2012 calendar. He Because no-one can tell where the
jacket stops and the neck begins. Time now for the Missing Words
round, which this week features as its guest publication The Telegraph
Pole Appreciation Society newsletter. They don't do pylons,
they're not perverts! We start Poles? Drunk? Hungover? (GRAHAM)
Lost. Bribed. (GRAHAM) Hot? Robbed? (VICTORIA) Cheating? Cranky?
Unified under Bismarck? I would love "unified under Bismarck" to be
In drugs tests after the 1966 World Cup final, three Germans gave
samples that revealed traces of a drug from a cold remedy, while
Bobby Charlton's sample revealed suspiciously high levels of hair
It might be a bit long, but is it LAUGHTER. Is it a picture of
Michael Winner smoking a cigar? Triumphantly on the set of his
latest film. "Looks great!". Is it art? Is it a telegraph pole?
Getting hot in here? Let's have a look and see what you think.
couldn't be poo because the trajectory is wrong. I'm no
That cartoon of Mohammed? Don't broadcast that! That's just for us.
No, just for you, just for you! LAUGHTER. A group of Finnish
lawyers have suggested new EU sexual harassment laws should cover
women eating ice creams provocatively in front of male
colleagues. I wouldn't do that, I always make sure I'm alone before I
open my Mivvi. LAUGHTER.
Do you get a 99 with that? Telegraph pole! Heart attack!
Doughnut! Not far off. Doughnuts. Jam! Jam tomorrow. Jam today? Cake?
Gateaux. Cake, ordinary cake. "Today doughnut, tomorrow ordinary
cake?" Who would put that on a poster?! "Take the cherry off that
cake, I want it ordinary!". going to have to tell you, it's,
"Tomorrow, muffin". The final scores are Ian and
Victoria have six, Paul and Graham, though, have seven.
We had to lose, sorry. Before we go, just time for the
Caption Competition. LAUGHTER. Fancy meeting you in Sri
Lanka! And I leave you with news that
moments before receiving his knighthood, there's some last-
minute preparation for Sir Bruce Forsyth.
LAUGHTER. In New Zealand, as the England
rugby team are again accused of sexual harassment, the victim tries
to avoid the paparazzi. LAUGHTER.